“OK . . . when MY family looks like the most functional one on the show . . . something is VERY wrong.”
Remember, back in the old days, of television teen dramas, when parents were seen, and not heard?
“Jim, it’s 9:53 p.m. Time to sit on Brandon’s bed, and teach him the Moral of the Episode.”
I mean, sure. They had their own lives. Sometimes, they even had their own
usually boring storylines! But, aside from giving the kids their regularly scheduled groundings, and offering some “sage advice” toward the end of the episode, when it came to teen dramas, TV Parents’ and TV Kids’ lives rarely intertwined.
Well, boys and girls, those days are over. It’s 2010 (almost 2011). And, that means your TV Parents can ruin your lives, just as easily as your ex-boyfriends and frenemies can . . .
Be afraid . . . be very afraid.
Let’s recap, shall we?
A Very Dair Roadtrip
“So, this is what Middle Class Suburbs look like! I’ve read about them in books, but didn’t believe they actually existed.”
When we last left Blair, she had just found herself an unlikely co-star to act alongside of her in The Rescue Serena Saga, Part 542. That ally was . . . wait for it . . . Dan.
“Yeah, I’m as confused as you are.”
The first stop on the pair’s Random Couple World Tour was the Ostroff Center, where Serena had voluntarily committed herself for a drug binge she didn’t commit . . . well . . . at least not on purpose. The two hope to spring Serena from the pokey, so that the three of them can work together to bring Juliet down for drugging “S,” and making her look like the female version of Charlie Sheen . . .
S and CS: Separated at birth?
Blair and Dan are shocked to learn that Serena isn’t accepting ANY visitors at the center for 72 hours, not even best friends, or sort-of boyfriends (who she feigns deep attraction for, when the script requires it). And so, our Upper East Side Scooby Gang’s resident Daphne and Velma . . .
Bet you can’t guess which one I think is Velma! 😉
. . . decide to bring down Juliet, all by their lonesome. But where can she be?
In a moment of stupefying plot convenience, Blair and Dan turn directly to THE Gossip Girl for help. And, because:
(1) without the Upper East Side Scooby Gang, Gossip Girl wouldn’t have her SAG card;
(2) Gossip Girl hates Juliet as much as the fans do, ever since that biatch hooked up with Dullnessa and the Raccoon Zombie; and
(3) in addition to her vast network of snoopers around NYC, the Hamptons, and Paris, Gossip Girl also, apparently, is friends with some random Mail Guy in suburban Connecticut . . .
. . . the show’s narrator quickly responds to Dan’s inquiry with Juliet’s current location, as well as a special request: “Find the b*tch!”
No one messes with
Veronica Mars Gossip Girl, and lives to tell the tale . . .
So, off Blair and Dan head on their first official roadtrip together. While en route to Connecticut, the unlikely pair bicker like an old married couple (and I don’t necessarily mean that in a good way) . . .
Blair acts like the quintessential backseat driver, cleverly noting that, if she put her feet through the floor of Dan’s ancient car, and started running, they would arrive at their destination faster than with Dan’s turtle-esque driving . . .
Yabba, Dabba, Don’t!
Dan responds back that at least he knows how to drive, which is more than can be said for Blair.
Why drive yourself, when you can take a limo AND get laid at the same time?
Blair also astutely notes that Lonely Boy — a supposed “Brilliant Writer” — hasn’t exactly been Mr. Prolific Novelist of late, having spent all his spare time pining over Serena and Dullnessa and/or
screwing playing video games with his Ambiguously Gay Duo partner, Nate.
Even I must admit that the fact that Blair, in her snide way, encourages Dan to nurture his passion for writing (something NOBODY else on this show, not even his parents, has cared enough to do yet), supports their compatibility as friends. I repeat . . . FRIENDS! (Can’t anybody have a platonic relationship with someone of the opposite sex on this show, anymore?)
Yeah . . . you and the Raccoon Zombie don’t really count
because she’s not really human. Sorry, Buddy!
Drugs = BAD! Drug Dealing Damien = GOOD!
When Blair and Dan arrive at Juliet’s last known whereabouts, they are SHOCKED to walk into a HOUSE PARTY, where teens wear NON-DESIGNER CLOTHES . . . and listen to NELLY . . . and play POOL . . . and smoke GANJA . . . and drink CHEAP BEER.
SHE HAS A PIERCING! OH, THE HORROR!
“We’re not in the Upper East Side anymore, Toto.”
Although Blair and Dan are unable to locate Juliet at the party, they do find someone WAY BETTER (at least, in my opinion).
It’s Drug Dealing Damien! Or, as I like to call him, Triple D-light!
You might remember Damien from his guest-starring role in The Only Storyline Where Raccoon Zombie was Mildly Likeable and/or Interesting. Blair and Dan approach Damien, and the threesome decide to take a little stroll outside . . . (Was I the only one who was kind of hoping they’d all smoke some weed together? If any two people on this show need to loosen up, its Dan and Blair.)
“I beg to differ, TV Recapper. Blair can be VERY loose, when she wants to be . . .”
Anyway . . .
Through Damien (and some very goofy flashbacks) we learn that when Serena left town, after screwing Nate and accidentally sort of killing that Pete Guy, she briefly attended the Nightly School (Now, if that’s not a school name straight out of a porno, I don’t know what is), when Triple D-light was also matriculating there. Apparently, before Drug Dealing Damien dropped out of school, and became the cool badass Jared Leto-lookalike he is now . . .
. . . he was a surprisingly geeky Troy Bolton from High School Musical type (a.k.a. Zac Efron) . . .
Seriously, I can’t tell them apart!
. . . who used to pine over Serena, and do her homework for her, while she drank absinthe, and badly danced around her dorm, like a hippy on LSD, or the lead in a straight-to-video sequel to Moulin Rouge . . .
Unfortunately, I was unable to locate a GIF of Serena dancing like a drugged out dork, from this week’s episode. So, just imagine her doing exactly what she’s doing in the GIF above . . . only BY HERSELF!
Absinthe: Making people dance like drugged out dorks, since WAY before anyone from the cast of Gossip Girl was born!
In addition to knowing Serena in her pre – Gossip Girl days, Damien also knew Juliet, who was, as Damien described her, a Townie. When Damien last saw Juliet, she made a MAJOR drug purchase from him — one which included some hardcore rufies. Damien seems SHOCKED to learn that Juliet bought the drugs to gaslight, and almost, kill Serena.
“I thought she was just throwing a party,” exclaims Damien. (Ummmm . . . a Rufie Party? Nice try, Damien.)
If you weren’t so gosh darn attractive, I’d totally hate you, right now.
Nevertheless, Damien seems genuinely concerned with Serena’s welfare. In fact, Triple D-light feels guilty enough about his part in what happened to his former luuuuve, that he agrees to help Blair and Dan locate Juliet’s house. As the threesome pile into Dan’s Clown Car, Juliet spots them, and hides under her steering wheel, like the cowardly b*tch she is.
Once they are safely out of sight, Juliet calls Jailhouse Ben, and tells him that she plans to return to NYC to “finish this herself.” Ben, who was the same psychopath who GOT NATE’S DAD BEAT UP IN PRISON, JUST SO JULIET WOULDN”T SLEEP WITH NATE (Seriously, writers, what were you thinking when you wrote that scene?), once again, has a crisis of conscience. He warns Juliet not to hurt Serena AGAIN. And then, when his baby sister hangs up on his ass . . .
“You HUNG UP ON ME, Lil Sis? Oh, I am so pulling your hair and giving you a wedgie, when I get home!”
. . . Ben yells to Nate (who has conveniently entered the jail to see his father, at that EXACT moment) that he has to go protect Serena from Juliet. Unfortunately, Nate is genetically incapable of doing anything on his own . . .
“Individuality is HARD! Where’s the other half of my Ambiguously Gay Duo when I need him?”
And, therefore, puts in a call to Dan and Blair, at Juliet’s house . . . so that they can
change his diaper do the dirty work for him.
Meanwhile . . .
The Scooby Gang Makes a Discovery . . .
“Don’t hate me, because I spawned Juliet. It could have been worse. I could have spawned Raccoon Zombie.”
“Hey! I resemble that remark!”
Moments after Dair and Triple D-light arrive at La Casa de Juliet, Juliet’s mom inexplicably, and conveniently, drops a bombshell on them. As it turns out, Juliet’s brother Ben, who’s last name is “Donovan” taught at the Nightly School. Then, he was fired and incarcerated for engaging in sexual relations with a young student named . . . you guessed it . . . Serena van der Woodsen.
I smell a flashback coming on . . .
Serena and Teacher Sitting in a Tree, F-U-C . . . (Well . . . you know the rest.)
The more things change, the more they stay the same. Apparently, four years ago, Serena was the same slutty, hard-drinking, lousy student that she is today. And yet, also like today (well, more like yesterday, or last week, or whenever those Professor Hotpants Colin episodes aired) . . .
Just refreshing your memory . . .
. . . Serena soon found a reason to reform and become a “good girl.” That reason was that she was Hot for Teacher. And that teacher was
Professor Hotpants Colin Mr. Donovan. Suddenly, Serena and Ben were spending A LOT of time together, talking about books, and frolicking in the rain.
But things went south fast, when Mr. Donovan and Serena entered a hotel to seek shelter from the rain one night, and Serena propositioned Ben to get a room with her. Ben, more or less, admitted that he shared Serena’s romantic feelings, but did not want to cross the line with her, due to her student status. In a chat with her therapist at the Ostroff Center, Serena admits that this was her FIRST (and, possibly, only) romantic rejection EVER. (Must be nice.) After the encounter, Mr. Donovan and Serena basically broke contact with one another.
So, basically, Ben and Serena never SCREWED. And yet, Ben Donovan ended up in jail . . . with his crazy sister plotting revenge on his behalf. Why?
Evil has a new name: Mom
Back in the Upper East Side, Juliet has magically beamed herself from Connecticut to New York in a matter of SECONDS! She’s also instantly appeared in the bedroom of Serena’s high security rehab center. (Juliet is clearly a vampire, ghost, or an extra from the cast of Star Trek.) When Serena returns to her room, after her therapy session, and finds Juliet there, I get REALLY excited about the AWESOME Cat Fight, I just KNOW is going to break out.
Then, I remember this is SERENA, and not Blair . . .
So, of course, nothing fun happens. Juliet explains to Serena how, four years ago, a lawyer showed Ben an affidavit, supposedly signed by then-minor Serena, stating that Teacher Ben crossed state lines, and “statutorily raped” her.
Serena’s “family” didn’t want news of the occurrence in the papers, so they struck a deal with Ben’s attorney. Ben would get minimal jailtime, if he didn’t contest the charge. He also wouldn’t appear on the Child Sex Offender Registry. (You’ve got to love Gossip Girl writers, and their COMPLETE lack of knowledge, regarding anything relating the legal system.) So, now, Ben is in jail for a crime he didn’t commit, and Juliet is out for revenge. But, who signed Serena’s name on the affidavit, if not Serena, herself?
*Insert scary music here*
By the time Blair, Dan, and Drug Dealing Damien arrive back at the Upper East Side, Serena is home and hanging out, bizarrely enough, with Juliet, who she invites to her mother’s Snooty Party.
Ummmm, Serena. What the heck is wrong with you? Have you even watched this past season of Gossip Girl? Do you have any idea how much crap this evil biatch has done to you?
And yet, Serena is determined to confront her mother, about what she did to Ben, and by extension, to Serena. So, the crew heads down to the party. There, they encounter Eric, who hilariously confronts Drug Dealing Damien for the first time since that whole “Make Jenny into a Drug Dealer” Incident.
“Are you looking for another virgin to be your drug mule?” Eric asks Triple D-light conversationally.
“I was going to say, ‘Why? Are YOU available?’ but I won’t, because I’m leaving,” snarks Damien, before exiting stage left.
(Man, I love that guy!)
Serena confronts her mother, and tries to talk to her privately about the Statutory Rape Affidavit. But Lily blows her off, trying desperately to keep up the appearance that she comes from a loving and happy family. So, Serena gets her mother’s attention the only way she knows how, by publicly humiliating her.
Then, the entire Non Judging Breakfast Club (and Juliet and Rufus) confront Lily about what she has done. B*tchface has NO QUALMS whatsoever about admitting that she brought charges against Ben — based on rumor alone — so that the private schools back in NYC would take pity on Serena, despite her crap grades and generalized sluttiness.
“This is incredibly stressful for me. I need a drink. Anyone got some absinthe?”
At this point, everyone is looking at Lily, as though, they want to tie her to a chair and force her to watch weeks and weeks of Jersey Shore marathons on television. And yet, Lily finds an unlikely ally in, who else, but THE Chuck Bass . . .
Chuck (stupidly) argues that it is TOTALLY OK that Lily sent an innocent man to prison, so her daughter can get into private school, because, “Everyone does things to protect the people they love.”
wear protect ion, while inside the woman he loves.”
But then RUFUS, of all people, pops Chuck’s “I Heart Lily” bubble, by spilling the beans that his Darling Wife plans to sell The Empire Hotel out from right under Chuck’s nose!
This is despite the fact that Chuck DEEDED the Hotel to Lily TEMPORARILY because she was “family,” and he TRUSTED her to manage it, during the short time in which he was unable to do so. Chuck, of course, is disgusted. Rufus is disgusted. Everyone is disgusted. (That’s a lot of disgust for single scene!)
As for Juliet, she agrees to leave Serena alone, after “S” promises to get her brother out of jail.
Cut to . . .
ONE WEEK LATER . . .
It is during these last few moments of the episode, when the most shocking events of the hour occur . ..
(1) The Non Judging Breakfast Club COOKS a CHRISTMAS DINNER, WITHOUT MAIDS . . . or DOROTA!
“Prepare for the end. The apocalypse has clearly arrived.”
(2) To take the Empire back from Lily, Chuck decides to form an alliance with . . . JACK BASS!
(By the way, before Chuck left the dinner, he said what, in my opinion, was the funniest line of the ENTIRE episode, “Goodbye Friends . . . and Dan.”)
Apparently, Blair thought it was funny too . . .
(3) Serena visited the Much-Less-Creepy-Than-We-Originally-Thought (except for the whole Getting Nate’s Dad Beat Up Thing) Ben. She did so by herself, after Dan turned down her roadtrip invitation (which, in and of itself, is kind of shocking, when you think about it).
“Rejected twice in a single episode. Oh, the humanity!”
(4) Nate made the HUGE mistake of allowing his drug addict felon father move in with him, upon being released from jail.
Yeah, that’s not going to end well . . .
And, finally . . . the most SHOCKING of all . . .
(5) Dan and Blair admit that they have the same taste in DOCUMENTARIES!
They also WASH DISHES . . . BY HAND . . . TOGETHER!
“You’re telling me that Blair knows how to wash dishes? BULLSH*T!”
Is there nothing sacred in the Upper East Side, anymore?
And, since, there won’t be any new Gossip Girl episodes until January 24th . . .
We feel your pain, Blair!
. . . and since this episode was all about flashbacks, I invite you to take a trip down Memory Lane — and whet your whistle for next year’s Gossip Girl episodes — by watching this very well-done fan video (created by theunwrittenpast), which features memorable clips from the show’s groundbreaking first season . . .
Until next year . . . xoxo!