Tag Archives: high school

A Real “Nail-Biter” – A Recap of Teen Wolf’s “Heart Monitor”

This is WAY better than the original.  Don’t you think?  And yet, oddly enough, it communicates the same message.

Oh my dear Werebangers!  I hope you didn’t eat too much July 4th barbecue meat, before watching this week’s installment of Teen Wolf.  Boy, was it nasty!  There were things coming out of characters’ mouths that should NEVER come out of ANYONE’S mouth!  And no, I am not just talking about Professor Cupcake’s rants about the Youth of America, and Scott’s Drowning Cat Howl . . .

Don’t worry, Kitty!  No cats were harmed in the making of this episode.  Wolves, on the other hand . . .

Hold on to your lunches, folks!  Because this recap is NOT for the weak of tummy . . .

(Once again, special thanks to Andre for the fabulous screencaps you see here. ;))

Why the Lord Invented “Vibrate Mode” for your Cell Phone .  . .

Run Forest Creature, RUN!

Have you ever noticed how nearly EVER slasher film features a scene that takes place in a public indoor parking lot at nighttime?  Talk about negative advertising!  The next time I have to go to one of these places alone, I’m wearing a bullet proof vest and a hockey mask.  Just sayin’.

Armed and ready . . . to shop.

When the episode opens, Scott is returning to his mom’s car, toting a truckload of groceries. (In hindsight, this is probably the one time when his trusty bike would have actually been HELPFUL!  Go figure!)  I actually find it kind of odd that, in a mid-sized suburban town like Beacon Hills, the grocery store doesn’t have it’s OWN parking lot.  But I digress . . .

“Hmmm . . .  I probably should have asked for paper instead of plastic.”

The poor dipsh*t can’t find his car!  He searches level 4, where he thinks he parked, and doesn’t see it.  Then he goes down to level 3.  Still .  . . no car.  (I’d be embarrassed to tell you how many times this has happened to me.  Hint, more times than I can count on my hands.)  So, Scott clicks his keys, and hears his car open.  As it turns out, it’s on level 4, after all.  Scott puts down his bags to take a breather, and out rolls the milk

Don’t cry over clawed milk!

(Now, Scott, WHY would you buy such a tiny milk for you and your Mommy?  That’s not even enough liquidy goodness for your breakfast cereal!  Someone needs to learn about Family Values!)  Then, before Scott can grab the milk, it rolls back to him  (Now, that’s convenient!)  . . . only this time, it’s got CLAW MARKS IN IT!

Scott hears a wolfy growl.  He runs away, seeking shelter behind a nearby car . . .

“Mom’s going to be REALLY pissed about that milk!  I paid 99 cents for that bottle, dammit!  Stupid Alpha!”

Figuring that it’s only a matter of time before the wolf finds him (they are, after all, on the same floor), Scott gets an idea . . .

Rather than running BEHIND the cars, Scott decides to run ON TOP OF THEM.  This, Scott suspects, will have the impact of setting off all the car alarms on the floor of the parking garage, which will, hopefully throw the wolf off his scent.  And THEN . . . Scott’s cell phone goes off. 

Talk about a BAD time for a booty call.  The minute Scott’s phone LOUDLY announces Allison’s phone call, “the wolf” lifts Scott up by the scruff of his neck, and announces to him “you’re dead.”

But fear not, Teen Wolf fans.  It’s JUST Derek!

Teehee!  Oh, that Derek!  He’s such a kidder!  He just wanted to teach Scott A LESSON.  He didn’t really want to GUT HIM LIKE A FISH yet.

“It was either this, or put a whoopee cushion on your bicycle seat.”

Scott begs Derek to teach him how to be a better wolf.  Derek replies that maybe if Scott wasn’t having phone sex with Allison all the time, he might be more focused.

To prove it, Derek tosses Poor Scott’s phone on the floor, CRUSHING IT!

But does Scott wolf out?  Nope.  He just whines like a b*tch.  Someone needs some serious WEREWOLF BOOTCAMP, STAT!  Scott ultimately promises Derek that he will stay away from Allison, until the Full Moon.

So, of course . . .

Scott Goes Back in the Closet (Ha Ha Ha)

Allison: “My, what perky nipples you have, Scott!”

Scott: “The better to poke you with my dear, Allison.”

Cut to the next night.  Scott’s at Allison’s house practicing the horizontal mambo with her.  In the background, Lykka Li’s song “Get Some,” blasts from a stereo nearby.  TVD fans might remember this song as the one Katherine danced to, at Alaric’s house, during the episode “Klaus.” 

“Eat your heart out, Teen Wolf!”

As she has pretty much done since the start of their relationship, Allison assumes the dominant position during Sexy Times with Scott.  She is always the aggressor . . . always on top.  She even goes as far as to ask the undoubtedly virginal Scott if it’s OK if she takes off his clothes . . .

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It’s still kind of hot though.   I realized something about Scott and Allison this week.  I like them a whole lot better as a couple when they AREN’T TALKING. 

Uh oh!  It’s coitus interruptus time!  Auntie Kate a.k.a Kate the Werewolf Slayer has arrived.  Into the closet you go, Scott!  (I suspect this is a place that is pretty familiar to you.)  Auntie wants to know what Allison’s been doing in her room “alone.”

“SCOTT!”  Allison replies.  (Just kidding!)  Conveniently, Allison has a history project she can pretend to be completing.  SURPRISE!  It’s a family history project!

“Mwah hahaha!  She has fallen into my evil trap!  My little niece will be shooting Scooby Doo in no time!”

“Golly gee, Allison . . . if you REALLY need help on your family history project, I guess I can help you,” Auntie Kate replies, before pulling up the website she has memorized by heart, and launching into the Your Family Tree oral report she has been reciting in front of her Mirror, Mirror on the Wall (Who’s the Biggest Badass of them All?) ever since Baby Allison made her first poop.

Kudos to the Teen Wolf writers for actually utilizing a genuine werewolf legend in developing the Argent family history.  It’s called the Beast of Gevaudan, and you can read about it by clicking here.

Awww, how cute!  I think I’ll call it Fluffy!

Long story, short.  There was supposedly this wolf-like creature that terrorized the French province of Gevaudan in the late 1700’s.  Some of Allison’s ancestors hunted it down.  The rest, as they say, is werewolf slayer history.  Scott, who is listening to this from the inside of his cubby hole, needless to say, is less than amused that Allison is learning her roots.  She dominates him enough, as it is!

“Awww man!  Now she’s probably going to want do all that S&M sh*t!  No me gusta!”

Once the coast is clear, Scott jumps out of Allison’s window, and miraculously lands on his feet.  But because Allison had “eight years of gymnastics” and can do the same thing with her eyes closed, she doesn’t think anything of Scott’s super human jumping abilities.  She’s not even impressed enough to let him be on top, for a change.

“P-shaw!  Amateur!”

The Alpha Gives Scott an Art Lesson

Oooh . . . . SO PRETTY!  (And WAY cooler than the happy faces I always draw on MY car window.)

Pretty much as soon as Allison closes her window, Scott hears a rumbling in the bushes.  He assumes it’s Derek, because Derek seems to like to hide in the bushes and peep on other dudes.  (So does Jackson, we will later learn.)  And, can I just say, HOTTEST STALKER EVER!  Scott starts mumbling some excuse about how he had to see Allison because he had a really bad case of blue balls, and blah, blah, blah . . .

 . . . when, suddenly, he hears a very non-Derek like growl.  Scott runs to his car.  (Clearly, the writers heard my complaints about the bike, because it is nowhere to be seen in this episode.)  The Alpha approaches the car.  He sticks out his claw . . . and he . . . DRAWS CURLICUES!

Terrifying . . . I know!

Scott says the curlicue drawing makes him MAD!  He assumes this is because he is FEELING THE ALPHA’S FEELINGS.  But I think it’s just because the douchey Alpha messed up his mom’s car window.  (Those “drawings” leave streaks, you know!)

In all seriousness, this isn’t the first time we’ve seen the curlicue . . .

We saw it around Derek’s sister’s burial plot.

We’ve seen it on the photographs of dead animals in the area.

We saw it on the roof of the video store, the night the Alpha attacked Jackson.  And, my personal favorite . . .

Derek’s back has not one . . . not two . . . but THREE curlicues!

When Scott arrives back at his home, who should be sitting there, but Derek!  (I guess he’s just making up for NOT stalking Scott outside.)

“If this is a slumber party, I fully expect you to paint my were-claws purple!”

Like a best gal pal, after a date, or Stiles, Derek is SUPER eager to learn what Alpha said to Scott in the car.  But when Scott tells him about the curlicue, Derek gets all awkward and uncomfortable.  He says Scott “[doesn’t] want to know” what the curlicue signifies.  Now . . .  as a brooding hottie, Derek gets an A plus . . . but as a Werewolf Bootcamp Counselor . . . he FAILS BIG TIME! 

Sorry Sexy!   The truth hurts, sometimes.

Yoda Stiles and Scott Wolfwalker

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At school, Scott is wandering around the halls like a mental patient, mumbling to himself “Stay away from, Allison.”  Good move, Scott!  Keep acting like that, and NO girls will want to go anywhere near you.  Eventually, he heads to class, where Bestie Stiles is giving him the silent treatment, for pretty much being the cause of his dad almost getting mauled by a wolf, after the parent-teacher conferences. 

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“I’m so mad at Scott, I could eat my own tongue.”

If Scott knows anything, it’s how to get Stiles talking.  And all it takes is for Scott to imply that Derek is currently in the running to replace Stiles as the Robin to his Batman, and Stiles is frantically begging his bestie to reconsider.

“Why DEREK?  Do you think he’s more attractive than me?  Do you think DANNY thinks that?”

Ultimately Stiles decides that HE should be the one to teach Scott how to channel his inner wolf . . . because . . . you know . . . he’s Stiles . . . and he rocks.  He also does a really kickass impression of Yoda, squeaky backwards-talking puberty voice and all.  I mean, you know what they say, those who wolf DO, those who Stiles teach . . .  OK . . . nobody says that.  But you get what I’m saying, right?

Meanwhile, Allison and Lydia are girl-talking.  Well, at least, they would be, if Allison wasn’t busy boring Lydia with her Big Bad Wolf versus Little Red Argent Story.

“OMG, Lydia!  My family is in this old smelly book.  You should be SOOOO jealous of me.”

Except, when Allison shows her the PICTURE of the wolf her family supposedly killed, Lydia is suddenly not-so-bored anymore.  She’s FREAKED THE F*&K out!

“Psst!  Hey, Lydia!  Remember me?  It’s Alpha . . . from the video store?  Would you, maybe, wanna go out sometime . . . like . . . on a date?”

“Not exactly the response I was looking for . . . but . . . OK.”

Put the STRAP ON, Scott!  I want to hit you with my balls!

“I’m going to make your heart race, Scott!  YES, I AM!”

Stiles has a pretty good plan for helping Scott to control his wolf.  Ever learn about biofeedback in psychology class?  The concept is that if you can SEE how your biological processes work, you can learn to control them.  So, Stiles wisely figures that if he monitors Scott’s heartrate, he can learn WHAT triggers Scott’s anger, enabling Scott to control his anger, thereby controlling his inner wolf. 

“I’m a GENIUS!”

Stiles’ first Anger Management class for Scott conveniently involves him “strapping on” a heart monitor, while his wrist are tied to his back.   Did I mention Stiles would be repeatedly tossing BALLS AT HIM?

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Those of you who were annoyed last week by Scott’s and Allison’s mushy gushy lovey doveyness probably got some cheap thrills out of seeing Scott get BALLED in the nuts a few times.  You know who else got a thrill out of it?  THIS GUY . . .

“I wish I could do that with MY balls.”

Umm . .. yeah . . . Jackson is apparently an honors graduate of the Derek Hale School of Broody Smouldering and Stalking.  Did I mention that he suddenly looks like an extra from The Walking Dead?  So, far, I can’t figure out whether Jackson’s “side effects” are the result of some strain of were-rabies, brought about by Derek’s Love Tap, a few weeks back . . .

It wouldn’t be the first time!

 . . . or if Jackson is merely suffering some SERIOUS PTSD from his Alpha encounter in the video store, LAST WEEK.  Whatever it is, Jackson’s mirth turns to fear, when he sees that Scott has taken one too many balls to the brain, and has started to shift, ripping off the duct tape on his arms, in a single pull.  He overhears Scott say that Allison “makes him weak,” so he can’t be around her anymore.

“I’ll have what HE’S having . . . On second thought, maybe not.”

El Creepo then follows the Scott and Stiles to the locker room, where they continue their discussion of werewolfing and Allison.  They soon leave because Jackson, apparently, smells like death.  So, of course, Smelly Jackson decides to take off his shirt.  (Thanks dude!)

Apparently, the hotness of his own body is too much for Jackson to handle.  He feels nauseous.  He needs to vomit.   He’s going to stick his finger down his throat to make himself puke.   But WAIT!  Someone did it for him!

Yeah . . . sorry guys.   I still can’t post that picture.  Everytime I look at it, it makes me want to ralph!

But, fortunately, all that grossness we just had to endure was only a hallucination of Jackson’s . . . OR WAS IT?  You see, even though Jackson was scratched by Derek DAYS AGO, his wound is still bleeding, as if it’s fresh.  Something is SERIOUSLY WRONG with this kid!

That’s one gnarly hickey, Wacko Jacko!

Just moments after Jackson reenacts the Alien movie with his mouth, he’s seemingly FINE!  In fact, he decides to sit down next to Allison in the hall and have this weird heart-to-heart with her.

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Now one of the benefits of recapping late, is I get to take a peek at the message boards to see what YOU GUYS are thinking about the show, before I write about it.  (It’s cheating . . . I know.)  And I was really surprised by how many of you started “shipping” Jackson and Allison together, after this scene. 

When taking the scene at face value . . . I get it . . . I mean, these two are both attractive individuals, who didn’t get off on the right foot, which is usually fodder for an EXCELLENT love-hate TV romance.  And Jackson is SAYING all the right things here.  He’s being self-depracating . . . ASSUMING that Allison already hates him.  He’s confessing to being obsessed with being the best, and being jealous of Scott.  He’s telling Allison that he’s “not a bad guy” and he “likes her.”  It all SOUNDS good, right?

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But that’s just it . . . it SOUNDS good.  But it LOOKS creepy.  The way Jackson keeps inching toward Allison while he speaks, completely ignoring her obvious discomfort .  . . the way he seems OVERLY insistent that she agree to be his friend . . . the way he keeps looking at her, like he wants to eat her . . . the way THAT WEIRD THING JUST CAME OUT OF HIS MOUTH TWO SECONDS AGO . . . it all screams DANGER, ALLISON ARGENT!  Couple that with all the stuff Jackson just overheard Scott and Stiles discussing, and you’ve got all the makings of an ulterior motive . . .

Be afraid!  Be very afraid!

But who knows?  Maybe Jackson will die before he gets a chance to do anything wrong surprise us!  Character redemption . . . It could happen!

Damn straight!

Let us all join hands (and pray that Wolf Scott doesn’t kill us)

In economics, Allison wonders why Scott has been avoiding her.  He mumbles about busy, or having to wash his hair that day, or something lame, and obvious like that.  But then Professor Cupcake, who apparently got his teaching degree from the Tazmanian Devil , starts TOTALLY flipping out on Scott for not having done his class reading.  You would think Scott killed his puppy, with how mad Cupcake is becoming . . .

Cupcake has this CRAZY look in his eye, while he’s hurling insults at Scott, like it’s his job.  And you’ve really gotta wonder what brought on all this anger.  I mean, I thought most sports coaches who were also teachers, LOVED their dumb star athletes?  What gives, Asshat?

Stiles watches nervously, as Scott’s heartbeat rises steadily with each insult.  The monitor is beeping VERY loudly, but, oddly enough, nobody seems to hear it.  (This must be a school for both wolves AND the hearing impaired.)  Then, suddenly, Scott’s heartrate drops.   Stiles takes a little peak under the desk, and learns that ALLISON is the source of Scott’s calm.  She’s TOUCHING HIM!

I meant his HAND!  She was touching HIS HAND!  You perv!

And, you know what, I’ll be damned if this wasn’t a SUPER SWEET scene . . . even to a cynic NON Salison shipper, like myself.  Like I said, these two are WAY better, when they are silent.

Since Scott isn’t the sharpest crayon in the box, he relies on Stiles to explain to him what this all means.  Basically, Scott luuuuuuuuuves Allison, so she keeps him human.  I guess having LOVE be your Humanity Trigger is WAY MORE FUN than Derek’s method of having PAIN do it . . .

And yet, both methods could conceivably involve floor humping . . .

By the way, does anybody else think it’s kind of weird that Scott needed STILES to tell him that he was in love with Allison?  Just wondering . . .

And yet, even though, by now, it seems COMPLETELY unnecessary, Stiles the SADIST has ONE MORE “lesson” for Scott.  It involves Stiles keying some big dude’s car, and letting Scott take the blame for it.   So, Scott can try to “stay” human, while he’s being gang banged. 

Yeah . . . that’s pretty bad ass.  But can you draw a curlicue on the window?  Bet you can’t!

Stiles’ stunt lands both him and Scott in detention with that weird teacher, who everyone on the message boards seems to think is the Alpha just because he has a strangely soothing voice, and wears emo glasses .  . .

As for me, I just thought it was strange that the guys who ACTUALLY BEAT UP SCOTT didn’t get detention for doing so.  This school is WACK!

More Finger Wagging

The itsy bitzy spider went up the water spout . . .

Derek drives to the mental institution in his recently repaired hot car to visit his old friend, The Family Member Who Doesn’t Speak . . .

Sorry Peter!  That was mean of me . . .

Derek tells The Family Member Who Can’t Speak (What can I say?  Old habits die hard.) that his sister was murdered.  He wants to know if anyone else, aside from him survived the family fire.  The Family Member Who Can’t Speak says . .  . well . . . nothing.  But after Derek leaves, he wags his finger, which, I guess means that the answer to Derek’s question is “yes.”

“Hey PETER!  Nice finger!  Let me show you another one!”

The Vet Did IT!  (Or did he?)

“Hey now!  Why do you have to go and blame the black guy?  What gives, Wolfy?”

Probably because he reads the Teen Wolf message boards, Derek becomes convinced that the shady veterinarian is either the Alpha himself, or WORKS for him.  (I’m thinking, the latter.)  So, he decides to interrogate the guy outright . . . and then tie him up, and beat the sh*t out of him.  (Anybody ever notice how much BONDAGE there is on this show?)

“YEAH!  Bondage RULES!”

By the time Scott arrives, his boss is already unconscious.  Derek explains that he wants to see if the vets wounds will HEAL to prove whether or not he is human.  Scott does NOT like this idea.  NOT AT ALL!

And yet, thanks to Yoda Stiles’ training, he is able to effectively channel his inner wolf, when it is necessary to show Derek who’s boss, and UNWOLF, before he KILLS Derek.  So . . . YAY for that!

New plan!  “Let’s draw out the Alpha with my PACK ROAR!”  Scott says, though not in so many words.  Dragging the unconscious vet with them as a souvenir, Scott, Stiles and Derek head off to the school and break in.  Scott takes over the school intercom and attempts to howl.  If you’ve ever seen the movie The Lion King, it kind of sounds like Baby Simba’s first attempt at roaring, only LESS menacing.

But all it takes is a few words of support from Yoda Stiles, and Scott is HOWLING like a champ!

“How you doin’ Beacon Hills, this is Wolfman Scott here, ready to HOWL some tunes for you.  I hope you’ve all been neutered!  Because this is my MATING CALL!”

Once that’s done, the bromantic buddies reunite with Derek, and kid around about how Scott’s howling abilities, or lack thereof.

“That was so good, I think I just went into heat.”

The trio is having such a fine old time, joking and laughing, that they want Bondage Veterinarian to share in the fun.  But when they look for him in the back seat . . . HE’S GONE!

Never . . . gets . . . old.

Oh, and I almost forgot . . . That stinkin Alpha did THIS to my poor baby!

But he’s not DEAD!  He can’t be DEAD!  He’s still signed on to appear in five more episodes.  He’s too beautiful important to the plot to die.  Right?   RIGHT? 

Next week’s episode promises to be a cross between The Breakfast Club and Every Teen Horror Movie You Have Ever Seen.  Check out the trailer, here!

See you next week, Werebangers . . . IF YOU SURVIVE THAT LONG!

[www.juliekushner.com][Fangirls Forever]

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Keeping it “In the Family” – A Recap of Teen Wolf’s “The Tell”

Well HELLO, Derek Hale’s Naked Sweaty Stomach!  I didn’t think I’d see you again so soon . . . or so much of you.  What do you say, we go back to my place, so we can “get to know one another a little better?”

Welcome back, Werebangers!  Can you believe we are already HALFWAY through this season of Teen Wolf?  It seems like only yesterday, we were ogling Scott McCall’s naked body for the first time . . .

Memories!

This week’s episode was called “The Tell,” a likely reference to the subconscious ways in which card players reveal to their opponents what kind of cards they are carrying, during the course of a game.  Fittingly, some of the episode’s most “telling moments” featured one character sharing information with another, and the other reacting to it, in a way that suggested a lot about his or her possible motivations.  Did I mention that the episode was CHOCK FULL of shirtless, sexual tension, and sublime homoeroticism?

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Stiles clearly suffers from Oral Fixation.  Does Danny suffer from Stiles’ Fixation?

So, what do you say, kiddies?  Are you ready for some Show and “Tell”?

[Note:  Special thanks go out to my new pal Andre for all the FABULOUS screenshots you see here.  You’ll undoubtedly notice that they are of significantly higher quality than the ones I tend to take myself.]

Next time, Stick with Netflix!

“If I die in this video store, at least I won’t have to watch The Notebook again!”

Oh Jackson!  Slowly, but surely, you are growing on me.  The fact that you finally took your shirt off this week, helped with that A LOT!  You actually had me feeling kind of sorry for you, because you are SO COMPLETELY WHIPPED BY YOUR GIRLFRIEND.  (I mean, really, grow some balls, man!)  We open on a shot of Poor Schmo Video Worker (don’t get too attached to him) standing on a ladder, fixing a light, in a video store that looks like its been time warped out of 1995, and plopped down in present-day Beacon Hills.  (Honestly, do video stores that AREN’T Blockbuster even EXIST anymore?  Because, even the Blockbuster by me closed!)

A car pulls up.  It’s Lydia and Jackson.  Lydia is in the driver’s seat, which is appropriate, considering that this is OBVIOUSLY the position she takes in their relationship.

“Umm . . . Lydia?  Not that I’m complaining or anything, but that’s NOT the stick shift.”

Jackson is trying to convince Lydia to rent Hoosiers, a heart-warming love story about boys and their .  . . um . . . basketballs . . .

But Lydia doesn’t WANT to watch a movie about balls.  She’d much prefer to watch The Notebook again, a movie which, in the words of Puck from Glee, has the power to “make you grow a vagina, if you watch it.”

Having just got rid of the vagina he grew the LAST time they watched this film, Jackson is, understandably, a bit miffed by his girlfriend’s suggestion.

Cut to about two seconds later, when Jackson is wandering around a seemingly empty video store, asking out loud where he can find The Notebook.

Long time, no vagina, Jackson!

But, uh oh . . . something is wrong on Movieland.  Our light-fixing Poor Schmo Video Worker is now nowhere to be seen.  And he hasn’t successfully done his job, either, because the lights in the place are still flickering.  Jackson walks around a little while longer, until he FINALLY finds Poor Schmo Video Worker . . . WITH HIS THROAT RIPPED OUT!

Watching The Notebook is starting to look pretty good NOW, isn’t it Jackson?

In a panic, Jackson lurches back, knocking down the ladder where Poor Schmo Video Worker met his maker.  He hears a noise.  Someone . . . or something is in the video store with him.  He hides in one of the aisles.   But the ALPHA is way smarter . . . and STRONGER than Jackson.  It knocks all the shelving down around Jackson in a single push.  It has Jackson in its clutches now.  It’s claw-like hands reach down toward Jackson’s neck, preparing to rip out its throat.  But then it sees the scratch marks left there last week by Derek .  . .

. . .  and decides to let Jackson live.  (WHY?  Did Derek “put a little wolf” in Jackson with his little love tap?  Or does the Alpha have some other reason for wanting to keep Jackson alive?)

Jackson got fingered! 

Meanwhile, outside, Vain Lydia is taking pictures of herself on her camera phone, when she sees the Alpha jump through the glass window of the video store, its red eyes blazing, its strong black body moving like nothing she’s ever seen before. 

Ooh . . . you might want to get some Visine for those eyes, honey!

She screams . . .

“OK . . . I’m sorry.  I’ll watch Hoosiers, I swear.   Just don’t eat me!”

Meanwhile, on a nearby road, Stiles is keeping his dad company, while the latter patrols Beacon Hills in his cop car. 

“Hey dad what do you say we pick up . . . er . . . I mean arrest some hookers.”

Stiles and his dad have a refreshingly sweet relationship.  In past episodes, we’ve only seen Big Stiles (that’s my new name for Stiles’ Dad) scold his son, and berate him for seemingly getting his nose into everybody else’s business.  But here, the two are just eating curly fries, and enjoying one another’s company . . .

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See what I mean about the whole “oral fixation” thing?

Big Stiles then gets a call on his CB about a possible homicide.  And Little Stiles jumps up and down on his seat, like a kid on Christmas morning.

“I LOVE DEAD PEOPLE!  SHOW . . . ME . . . THE BODY!”

You would think, by now, the thrill of ogling corpses would have worn off for Stiles, who has already seen a couple pretty gory ones, since the show premiered.  But apparently not.  (Perhaps, he’s hoping one will come back to life, looking like THIS . . .)

Upon arriving at the video store, Stiles is shocked and perhaps a bit jealous to learn that Jackson and Lydia are the only living witnesses to this possible murder.  Big Stiles gets out of the car, and tries to calm down an EXTREMELY agitated Jackson, who instinctively doesn’t want to go to the hospital, despite having fallen during the Alpha Ambush . . .

“She was going to make me watch The Notebook again!  Can you believe it?  The Notebook!”

Is it possible that Jackson, on some level, recognizes that the scratch on his neck is NOT from a human, and has changed him in a way that will raise eyebrows at the hospital?  Hmmm .  . .

Meanwhile, on the roof of the video store, Derek and Scott are . . . just chillin’.

“Hey, check it out.  From here, you can see down Lydia’s shirt!”

Scott wonders out loud why the Alpha seems so intent on killing random people.  Being new to this whole Werewolf Thing, he can’t help but wonder whether that’s what HE will eventually do.  Derek reassures Scott that they are PREDATORS, but don’t necessarily have to be killers. 

Wait?  Isn’t that the same thing?  The only kind of predators I KNOW that aren’t killers are the SEXUAL kind!

*sigh*  In that case, forget I said anything.   Just keep “predating,” Derek Hale! (Yeah, that’s probably not a word . . . but it should be!)

Lovers Quarrel, Part 26

“Aww, don’t pout, Baby!  I’ll even let you be on top, next time!”

Back at Derek’s house, or as I like to call it, La Casa de Old and Decrepit, Derek and Scott are fighting again, about Derek’s “Responsibility to Were Kind” to help find and destroy the Alpha.  “I HAVE A LIFE!”  Scott whines.

“No . . . you don’t,” replies Derek.  (See?   That was funny!  I knew the writers would go and give him a sense of humor, eventually!)

“I HAVE HOMEWORK!”  Scott tries again.

“Do you want to do homework . . . or not die?” Derek fires back.

Yeah!  That was funny, right?  I’m GOOD!”

Yes, Derek.  SNARK!  That’s what I’m talking about!

Apparently, there’s this little rule in the Werewolf Book of Pack Obedience, that states that if an Alpha Pack member doesn’t kill with his leader, before the full moon, he gets EATEN.

“Sexy Wolf Man, say what?”

By this point, Derek has probably figured out that Scott is pretty much a self-centered prick (a hot self-centered prick, mind you, but a self-centered prick, nonetheless).  And so, he wisely reminds Scott that HE has interest in finding the Alpha (through his unique “pack” connection too), as doing so could very well SAVE his life.  And, of course, the clock is ticking, because the next Full Moon is on the horizon.  This means Scott has only limited time to attend and graduate Derek’s Werewolf School of Brooding, Soulful Staring, and Looking Intimidating.

Hot for Teacher!

Speaking of teaching, Scott learned his first REAL werewolf lesson today.  It was a lesson about PAIN, and how it can lead to pleasure keeps a werewolf human.  Derek taught Scott this by leaning over him seductively, and twisting his arm, while the two were-men panted and groaned in concert.  I could tell you it wasn’t SUPER hot to watch . . . but I’d be lying . . .

“Happy Birthday, Allison!  Sorry for Being a Douche to Your New Boyfriend!  Here . . . have an Ugly Necklace.”

“I was going to get you birth control pills, My Little Harlot.  But I figured, this was the next best thing.”

Back at the Argent house, Aunt Kate is all faux apologetic about accusing Scott of going through her bag . . . WHICH HE DID!  She would very much like for Allison to call her some bad names, as part of her “punishment” for inappropriate behavior.  Allison wants to do no such thing.  She says all is forgiven.   I, myself, however, am not so forgiving, and have decided to call Aunty Kate a name of my own . . .

Apparently, today is Allison’s birthday.  And Kate has a gift for her.  It’s the UGLIEST NECKLACE I’VE EVER SEEN!  Allison puts it on immediately, but I suspect she is just doing it to be polite.  Apparently, the necklace has some “family crest” thing on it, that’s significant, in some way, to the Argent family history.  Rather than tell Allison the truth about her family, she suggests that Allison “look it up.”  (As, I suspect, Evil Werehunter Dad is not quite ready to let Allison in on the family’s Secret Life, just yet, this move was rather crafty on Kate’s part.)

  We can tell Kate is pleased with herself, by the sh*t eating grin on her face, after Allison leaves for school. 

Little does Aunt know that the only thing Allison has any interest in “studying” lately is Scott’s weiner.

Scott and Allison Ditch School, Frolic in the Park, Blah, Blah, Blah . . .

“Have you ever noticed that I spend at least half of every episode of this show with my lips attached to your face?”

Scott finds Allison at school hiding balloons and birthday notices in her locker.  She doesn’t want anyone to know it’s her birthday, because she’s SO FRIGGIN OLD!  As it turns out, Allison turns 17 today, which makes her  a year older than Scott, which pretty much makes her an Alpha cougar . . .

Scott wins MAJOR points (not to mention gets a few steps closer to falling into Allison’s panties), by correctly guessing why Allison is in Scott’s grade, even though, technically, she should be a grade above him.  “You got held back, because you missed a lot of school, moving around so much,” he says matter-of-factly.  Allison is so thrilled that Scott doesn’t think she was left back a grade for being a moron, that she eagerly agrees to cut school with him.

“In that case, you’re a genius!  Now, will you let me touch your boobies?”

Call me unromantic, but I’m not going to spend much more time on Scott McCall’s Day Off, basically, because I thought it was lame, and didn’t add much to the story.   Yes, Scott and Allison are both very attractive people, who smile a lot, and look good making out with one another.  But, beyond that, they haven’t shown me anything special about their relationship to make me particularly invested in them as a couple.   And COME ON!  If your going to make me spend 10 minutes of an episode watching a boy and girl frolic in the woods, AT LEAST LET ME SEE THEM SCREW!

Am I right?

The one mildly interesting aspect of the “Salison” date, was Scott’s continued feeling as though Allison was “taking away his masculinity.”  (Oh buck up, Buddy!  It’s not like she made you watch The Notebook.)  Now, you would think that a guy like Scott, with werewolf strength, and an Adonis body . . .

 .  . . would be comfortable enough in his masculinity, to allow a woman, who took a sharp turn, while she was driving him in her car (at least, he didn’t take the damn bike this time – PROGRESS!), to instinctively put her hand out in front of him to keep him from getting whiplash.  But, apparently, not.

The other thing that bugged me about Scott an Allison’s date, was how Scott selfishly ditched EVERYTHING and EVERYONE to attend.  Cutting class is one thing.  But skipping work, missing a parent-teacher conference, skipping out on Sexy Derek, and ignoring his bestie’s increasingly frantic phone calls, is just DOUCHEY with a capital “D!”

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“I’m going to KILL YOU . . . and I’m too upset to come up with a witty description of how exactly I’m going to kill you, but I’m just going to do it.  OK?”

And yet, Allison didn’t seem to mind at all, especially considering that, at the end of the date, she basically told Scott, in NO uncertain terms, that she wanted to screw his brains out ASAP.  So, um . . . way to go, Scott . . . I guess . . .

Don’t Worry Stiles, I Find You Attractive!

So, in the last segment, I ranked on Scott a bit, for being kind of a self-centered douche.  Conversely, this segment will function as my Ode to Stiles.  Seriously, how GOOD OF A GUY, is he?  Alpha Male Douchebag Jackson and Lydia hhave been in school with Stiles since they were little kids, and neither has so much as given the poor kid the time of day.  And yet, knowing the traumatic experience both suffered in the opening scenes of the episode, Stiles is genuinely concerned for their well-being. 

He interrogates Jackson’s bestie, Danny, in hopes of getting the 411 on Jackson and Lydia, since, at this point, neither of them have showed up in class.  Danny is a bit evasive, as Jackson has seemingly kept his experience a secret even from HIM.  Then, Stiles gets up the courage to ask Danny a question that’s been bothering him since Episode 2.  “Do you think I’m attractive?”  He asks a bewildered Danny. 

Hmmm . . . though Stiles has publicly expressed his attraction for Lydia, this is, I believe, the THIRD time he has expressed interest in Danny’s evaluation of his hotness.  And I can’t help but wonder whether there is more to these questions than Stiles would like us to believe?  Anybody else with me on this one?

Anyway, Jackson eventually DOES show up for school, but seems pretty freaked out about everything he’s endure.  (More on him later.)

Speaking of Lydia, Good Guy Stiles takes it upon himself to go to her HOUSE after class, to make sure she is OK.  “What the hell is a Stiles?”  Lydia slurs, when her mother announces the guy’s arrival.  As it turns out, our girl Lydia is coping with her Alpha encounter through some HARD CORE DRUGS.

Drunk Lydia is pretty humorous, and is actually flirting pretty heavily with our Stiles, leaning in to him when she talks, and batting her eyebrows in a stoned sort of way.  And yet, Stiles knows the score, teasing Lydia a bit, by trying to get her recite tongue twisters (which she can’t).  Stiles has other motives for wanting to talk to Lydia.  He wants to know what she saw, and confirm that what happened at the video store was, in fact, an Alpha attack, even though authorities assume it was a “mountain lion.”

When asked, Lydia agrees that the thing she saw was a “mountain lion.”  But then, when Stiles shows her a stuffed giraffe, she thinks THAT’S a mountain lion too.  So, much for an eyewitness!  “YOU ARE SO DRUNK!”  He exclaims with amusement.  Then THIS happens . . .

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YEAH!  GO STILES!

Lest you believe that MTV actually “went there” by showing a BJ on prime time TV, I’m pretty sure Lydia’s head just fell that way.  But you’ve got to admit, especially taken in concert with Stiles’ “O” face, in response, the whole thing is pretty darn titillating / hilarious!  “I’m going to let you get back to your Post Traumatic Stress Disorder,” Stiles mumbles, as he rises from the bed, trying to hide his erection.

“NO!  STAY!  PLEASE STAY!”  Lydia calls out after him.

Though, Stiles is looking cool and calm on the outside, undoubtedly, on the inside, he is doing THIS . . .

 

 . . . and maybe even a little of THIS . . .

But then Lydia calls him  JACKSON!

Oh well!  It was fun while it lasted, right Stiles?  Before our hero can get up to leave however, Lydia gets a text message, which, of course, Stiles takes it upon himself to read.  And, I bet you will never guess what it is . . .

It’s a sex tape of Stiles and Lydia video of the Alpha taken from the night of the Video Store Murder!

Golly gee!  I wonder who sent it.  Maybe it was “A” from Pretty Little Liars.  It totally sounds like something that b*tch would do!

A question out there to those of you who were watching the episode closer than I was?  Did Stiles pocket Lydia’s phone?  Because I know, at the end, he deleted the Alpha Video, and that doesn’t seem like something Stiles would do, unless it was to protect Lydia’s sanity?  And, if that was the case, wouldn’t it have made more sense for Stiles to send the message from Lydia’s cell phone to his OWN, before deleting it from hers?    Just sayin . . .

Speaking of losing sanity . . .

“We HAVE to stop meeting like this . . .”

“My what big eyes you have, Derek.”

The better to eye -f*&k you with, Jackson”

We find Shirtless Jackson flaunting his wares in the boys locker room . . .

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He’s nervous, and paranoid. Jumping at every sound, nervous that someone is watching him.  He heads to the mirror to admire his HOT BOD . . .

He examines the scratch on his neck.  Unlike Scott’s werewolf bite, Jackson’s wounds haven’t healed.  As it turns out, Jackson was right to be nervous, Derek’s stalking him near the locker’s again . . . and he pushes Jackson into one AGAIN.  This time, Jackson is smart enough not to sass the bigger, and stronger Derek.  “I don’t know where Scott is,” he babbles, remembering that THIS was the question that earned Jackson the scratch last time.

But DEREK knows exactly where Scott is he stalks him all the time!.  Right now, he’s more concerned with what Jackson SAW the night of the Video Store Murders.  Jackson claims he didn’t see anything, so Derek leans in close to his lips and starts tongue kissing him asks him to say that again SLOWLY.  Now, Derek claims that this is because his wolfy powers enable him to determine whether a person is lying, just by staring at his lips.   Sounds a bit convenient, if you ask me . . .

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Nevertheless, after Jackson seduces Derek with his mouth, Derek becomes convinced enough of his honesty regarding the Alpha, that he ultimately leaves him alone.  But not before he offers one parting shot, in his rivals direction.  “You should really get that checked out,” he remarks, pointing at Jackson’s nail marks, which Derek himself put there.

(There ya go, Derek!  Keep the snark coming!  Mommy LIKE!)

Add the Vet to You Alpha Suspects!

Derek and Stiles aren’t the only ones investigating the Alpha’s identity.   Big Stiles too is skeptical as to whether the attacker at the video store was, in fact, a mountain lion.  He has pictures of the beast that seem to suggest otherwise.   One, in particular, which features the beast rearing up on two  legs concerns him.  So, Big Stiles returns to the vet (where Scott was SUPPOSED to be working) to ask him for his EXPERT OPINION on the photographs. 

For someone who is NOT a murder suspect, the vet seems AWFULLY defensive and unwilling to answer questions, doesn’t he?  He admits that the animal in the picture looks neither like a mountain lion, nor like a bear, but refuses to give any additional information.  A dog starts barking in the backround, and the vet rushes off to tend to it a bit too eagerly for Big Stiles’ liking. 

Admittedly, the vet would be a pretty boring choice, storyline-wise, to be the Alpha.  On the other hand, he DOES have a pre-existing relationship with Scott, as well as a connection to animals, particularly canines, which seems like enough to at least earn him a spot on the Suspect List.

Meanwhile, back at La Casa de Old and Decrepit . . .

“I Don’t Know Whether to Kill You Or Lick You”

Let’s f*&K!”

Want proof positive that MTV cares about its fans?  Here’s some . . .

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Let’s get a closer look, shall we?

Not close enough for you?  How about this?

Flip him over!  I want to see those BACK TATTS!

OK . . . now, on the floor and spread ’em, buddy!

NICE!

Now, as you know, I could watch Derek Hale work out for HOURS and not get bored.  But, unfortunately, he has visitors . . .

Aunty Kate and her minions come storming into La Casa de Old and Decrepit, like bats out of hell.  At first, Derek hides, but Aunty Kate lures him out, by making a crack about his dead sister not living long enough to have a litter . . .   “TOO BAD YOUR SISTER SCREAMED LIKE A B*TCH, WHEN WE CHOPPED HER IN HALF!”  Kate screams.

Talk about a LOW BLOW!  Now, you’ve gone and made Derek ANGRY, Aunty!  And you wouldn’t LIKE him, when he’s ANGRY!

Then again, maybe she would!  A brief scuffle ensues, and Aunty Super Tasers Poor Derek to the ground.  Her minions eventually leave, until its only the two of them left in the house.  Aunty then seductively circles Derek, like a predator closing in on her prey.  She does most of the talking, as he’s currently not in any position to speak.  “I don’t know whether to kill you or lick you,” Aunty Kate coos, leaning in close to Derek’s SWEATY NECK.

Surprisingly enough, Kate doesn’t want to kill Derek, she wants to use him for information.  You see, somehow, Kate has become convinced that Derek knows the identity of the Alpha.  (Sound familiar?)  She’s even willing to KILL the Alpha for Derek out of the kindness of her heart.  (Isn’t she sweet?)

Of course, as we know, Derek is no closer to finding the Alpha than Kate is and lazy ass Scott sure isn’t helping.  So, he is of no use to her.  Yet still, Aunty seems to be feeling rather generous, as she offers Derek a free piece of information.  Apparently, the Evil Werewolf Hunters were NOT the ones who killed Derek’s sister . . . the ALPHA was.  Kate is so sure of this that she puts his lips next to Derek so he can stick his tongue down her throat tell she isn’t lying.  Of course, this makes Derek more determined than EVER to destroy the Alpha, which, of course, was Kate’s real intention for showing up at La Casa de Old and Decrepit in the first place.

Kate then starts shooting up the place with her MASSIVE FLARE-TYPE GUN, sending a shirtless Derek running for his life . . .

Thanks Kate!  We like it when our boy works up a sweat!

Meanwhile, back at Parent / Teacher Night . . .

JACKSON AND LYDIA ARE BOTH RELATED TO TYLER LOCKWOOD?

I suspect that the series of parent-teacher conferences we witnessed, this week, will end up somehow being important to the mythology of Teen Wolf.  However, I generally found myself so distracted by the fact that the same guy who played Tyler Lockwood’s DAD played Jackson’s adopted father . . .

 . . . and that the same woman who played Tyler Lockwood’s MOM played Lydia’s mother . . .

 .  . . that I found myself too distracted to concentrate on much else . . .

Nevertheless, here are some things we learned from the Parent Teacher Conferences:

(1) Jackson, interestingly enough, isn’t as DUMB as I thought he was.  In fact, he’s, apparently, an over-achiever, in every sense of the word (including sexually, I hope).  His parents think this somehow stems from him being “adopted,” which, basically was their way of telling us he’s adopted.  Oh . . . and he’s a loose cannon, but we kind of already knew that.

(2) Lydia’s parents are divorced.  (No big shock there.)  She’s also some kind of genius / master of social manipulation.  (Could SHE be the Alpha?)

(3) Scott’s dad was an “unpleasant” sort of guy, who Mom is relieved is no longer in Scott’s life.  (Could HE be the Alpha?)

(4) Stiles is so obsessed with circumcisions that he wrote about them in an essay question for his Economics test.  (Umm . . . OK?)  He’s also named Stiles after some dead relative.

(5) Stiles’ and Scott’s Science teacher is kind of creepy.  (Could HE be the Alpha?)

I didn’t get much about Allison, aside from the fact that her teacher, helpfully informed her parents that she cut class.  Outside the school, Scott’s mom, and Allison’s parents exchange words, both claiming the other kid to be a bad influence on their own.  (Typical).  Then the kids, themselves, arrive in the parking lot, and it’s all basically a big mess.

This dull Romeo & Juliet moment is fortunately interrupted by the movement of a wild animal in the parking lot.  Could IT be the Alpha?  A lot of things start happening very fast, at this point.  Parents and students are rushing frantically to their cars.  Stiles’ dad gets knocked down, and is injured.  Allison almost gets hit by a car, and Scott uses his Superhuman Were strength to keep her from harm.  Sound familiar anyone?

Then, finally, before the creature can do any damage, Papa Argent shoots it dead. 

Slowly, and tentatively, the crowd gathers to get a glimpse of the defeated creature.  However, when we FINALLY get to see the “Big Bad Alpha,” it looks like THIS . . .

Psshaw!  It’s a mountain lion!  Of course, most of us don’t believe for a SECOND that this is the creature that has been causing all the damage, thus far.  That Alpha’s a real slick one, isn’t he?

And that’s all she wrote.  See ya next week, Werebangers!

[www.juliekushner.com][Fangirls Forever]

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Filed under Teen Wolf

Greetings from the Walmart of Guns – A Recap of Teen Wolf’s “Magic Bullet”

Is that a Smith and Wesson in your pocket, or are you just happy to see my MASSIVE WEAPONS STASH?

Welcome back, were-lovers!  This week on Teen Wolf, we got to: (1) meet Allison’s “wacky” family; (2) learned about her  .  . . um . . . unique “hobbies;” (3) got to make fun of lacrosse a little bit; (4) were introduced to the fabulous comedic stylings of  the Derek /Stiles duo (PLEASE get these two crazy kids their own Buddy Cop Movie, MTV!); (5) and, last, but DEFINITELY, not least, we FINALLY got to see DEREK HALE  . . . SHIRTLESS!

Well, I’m excited.  (Stiles is obviously excited.)  Are YOU excited?  Let’s got on with the recap!

Meet Aunt Kate – The Werewolf Slayer

I would hereby like to submit for your approval the new promotional poster for the National Rifle Association.

Now, I never thought I’d say this, but the writers of THIS MTV show are SMART!

Yeah, I said it.  These guys (and girls) clearly know their audience.  They know that most of us have seen HUNDREDS of horror movies, and supernaturally-inclined television shows, and know all the cliches, and predictable plot twists by heart.  And yet, rather than steering completely clear of these, the writers of Teen Wolf use them to their advantage, by taking our expectations and turning them completely on their head.

Case in point:  the opening scene of this episode.  We are introduced to a woman we have never seen before on this show.  She is ALONE in her car.  It is the middle of the night.  She is absent-mindedly singing to music on the radio, and openly SCOFFING news reports of animal attacks.  She is fixing her makeup, when she should be watching the road.  In short, she is the quintessential RANDOM FIRST KILL in EVERY HORROR MOVIE YOU HAVE EVER SEEN.

Pssst .  . . there’s someone behind you.

Cue the Intensely Creepy Music, and “that strange feeling that someone is watching you.”  A car halts in front of her, and the “character” we think of as Future Lunch Meat swerves, just barely missing it.  She breathes a sigh of relief, thinking she’s safe.  On the couch at home, we laugh at her naivety, counting down the seconds to her inevitable demise.  “Nice, not really knowing ya,” says TV Recapper out loud, at this point in the show.

Then it happens.  The wolf jumps on the top of Future Lunch Meat’s car, breaks the glass of the driver’s side window, and reaches in and grabs her.  There is a girly scream, and a struggle follows.  We wait for Future Lunch Meat to inevitably be dragged out of the car, her body quickly devoured, and tossed to the side of the road, mangled and bloody, her eyes frozen open in the Horror of Death.

For those of you who watch The Vampire Diaries, doesn’t Aunt Kate sort of resemble Dead Jules?

But Future Lunch Meat somehow manages to fight off the wolf, and emerges from her car unscathed.  A-ha!  The FAKE OUT!  We think to ourselves.  Surely, she is going to get it NOW.  She walks to the trunk of her car, opens it, and . . . HOLY CRAP!  It’s got a weapons cache inside that would make Tony Soprano PROUD!

Now, Future Lunch Meat is shouting threats at an unseen wolf.  Plus, she’s not exactly being conservative about the bullets in her gun, shooting wildly in the air like a crazy person.  But as we’ve seen from her trunk, she doesn’t need to be stingy.  Girlfriend’s got bullets to spare.  She might make it out of this scene alive, yet!

Back at the Argent House, Evil Were Hunter Dad skips out at 2 a.m.  He tries to leave without waking up Allison, but fails.  She wonders where he’s going.  Does Daddy have a Lady Friend?  Is he cheating on Mommy?  I wouldn’t put it past him.  After all, you’ve got to admit, for an evil sociopath dad-type, Papa Argent is KINDA HOT!

DILF

But Evil Were Hunter Dad tells Allison he has to pick up Aunt Kate, who is having some “car trouble.”  Ohhhhh . . . so Future Lunch Meat is “AUNT KATE,” which means she isn’t future lunch meat at all!  Damn you, MTV!  You tricked me!

As it turns out, the Argent family aren’t the only ones who are alerted to Aunt Kate’s “car trouble.”  Apparently, Alpha Wolf has some sort of lo-jack tracking system on his ass.  Because, the next thing you know, both Scott . . .

.  . . and Derek . . .

WILF = Wolf I’d like to . . . 😉

. . . are on the scene.

Unfortunately, at some point during the shooting spree, Alpha wolf gets away.  But Aunt Kate doesn’t give a sh*t.  She’s out for BLOOD.  Scott, hides himself in a warehouse, and manages to avoid the melee . . .

But Derek isn’t so lucky.  He gets a bullet in the arm, which you would THINK he’d be able to release from his body right away.  But the bullet remains.  And the wound begins to fester . . .

Now, of course, a Big Brooding Bad Wolf like Derek isn’t going to GO TO THE HOSPITAL like us NORMAL SMART HUMANS.  That would be too easy too risky, what with his big WERE-PARTS just waiting to be discovered and shipped off to a lab for testing!  Nope.  If Derek wants to heal his infection, he’s going to need help of a non-medical sort.  And he’s running out of time . . .

DON’T DIE, DEREK, YOU SEXY BEAST!

“Don’t Touch My Sh*t”

Back at the Argent household, Evil Were Hunter Dad does not seem particularly sympathetic toward Aunty Kate’s BRUSH WITH DEATH.  He’s more concerned about how her graduation from the Scarface School of Animal Hunting . . .

. . . will negatively impact his campaign to ERADICATE ALL WEREWOLVES FROM PLANET EARTH.

Geez!  Allison’s dad is not exactly Mr. Warm and Fuzzy, now is he?  Nonetheless, I found the conversation between Evil Werewolf Hunter and Aunt Kate intriguing, in that it seems to fly in the face of my theory that a member of the ARGENT family is the Alpha that bit Scott.  I still think they could be werewolves though . . .

We cut to a scene where Allison and Aunt Kate are hanging out in the guest bedroom, and we know instantly that these two are pretty close.  Aunt Kate is one of those adult types who tries DESPERATELY to be cool, and fit in with the teens.  Sound like anybody YOU know?

Kate starts telling Allison what a “Runway Model” she has become.  She also informs her that she shouldn’t settle for ONE boyfriend, when she can have an ENTIRE SCHOOL of them.  Thanks, Aunt Kate!  Way to teach your niece to be a TOTAL WHORE!  That comment is going to bite you in the ass, later in this episode, Auntie, just so you know!

But Aunt Kate shows her true colors, when Allison starts digging in her BULLET BAG, practically tackling the poor teen, before she can closer look at what’s inside.  This makes Allison, who was already suspicious of the strange circumstances surrounding her Aunt’s midnight arrival, even MORE suspicious.  She asks her aunt about the “car trouble” she had the night before.  “I just needed someone to jump start my car,” remarks Auntie Big Fat Liar.  Recalling, that her DAD explained that Aunt Kate had a FLAT TIRE, Allison makes one of her trademark, “I’m confused” faces . . .

“My GOD!  This guy is EVERYWHERE!”

Coincidentally, if Derek Hale was a vampire, this is probably what he would look like ALL THE TIME!

At school, we get a bit of a recap of the end of last week’s episode, as Stiles helpfully asks Scott all the questions lingering in our heads about who bit him, what the deal is with Derek, and what the f*ck constitutes an “Alpha?” 

While this is happening, some test gets passed back to the class.  Stiles aces it (naturally), but Scott gets a D minus, thus confirming fans’ suspicions that our hero isn’t exactly the sharpest crayon in the box.

It’s OK, Dude!   People who look THAT good naked don’t need to have brains too  . . .  In fact, if they did, it wouldn’t be fair to the rest of us average-looking folk.

Stiles offers to help Scott study for the next exam.  But Scott already has a study date . . . Allison.  Stiles wisely notes that the ONLY studying Scott will be doing during that date is a scientific analysis of how Allison’s tongue tastes.  But Stiles is ALL FOR IT!  He is TOTALLY Team Allison.  He wants Scott to get some nooky, so HE can live vicariously through him.  Personally though, I think Stiles is only saying this, because he’s secretly angling for some threesome action . . .

Outside class, a wounded Derek lumbers the hallways, all menacing and zombie-like, looking for Scott.  Of all people, Derek decides to ask Alpha Male Douchebag JACKSON where he can find his new trusty puppy friend.  And you know Jackson!  He’s all “I’m going to find out what Scott is hiding, if it’s the last thing I do.”

So, immediately, Jackson takes one look at the bullet-ridden, near-death, strung-out looking (but, oddly enough, still SUPER hot) Derek, and quite rationally assumes the stud muffin is Scott’s DRUG DEALER.  “You might want to lay off your own merchandise, because you look wrecked,” notes Jackson, not entirely unkindly.  (By the way, when did they fix Jackson’s locker?  Didn’t Scott just completely demolish it last week?)

Then Derek starts bleeding all over the floor, and doofus Jackson still thinks its wise to strong-arm the guy, even though he’s twice his size, and looks like he has the EBOLA VIRUS.  (“Gee!  There are so many intelligent men on this show!”  She says, sarcastically.)  Despite being HALF-DEAD, Derek is STILL able to push Jackson into the lockers.  He scratches the teen’s neck, leaving a big bloody gash across it. 

Is that enough to infect Jackson with the werewolf virus?  Well, that’s a story for another episode . . .

I’ll just tell everyone it’s a hickey!”

Using his super-sensitve werewolf hearing, Derek overhears Scott and Stiles talking about him.  He also overhears Allison and Lydia . . .

Lydia thinks Allison should prepare for the possibility of Hot Wolf Sex with Scott.  Allison feigns shock.  “After ONE date?”  She asks incredulously.  And yet, considering girlfriend has been ALL OVER Scott like cheap cologne ever since the pilot episode, we know that she is, in the words of those mental midgets from that show, The Jersey Shore, D. T. F.

If you impregnate me, will I give birth to a litter?”

School’s over.  (That was FAST!)  Stiles is in his car, while Scott is on his dorky bike.  (AGAIN!  FRIENDSHIP FAIL!  DRIVE YOUR BUDDY HOME FROM SCHOOL, STILES!  His bike can fit in the trunk!)  Zombie Derek staggers out in front of Stiles car.  “My GOD!  This guy is everywhere!”  Stiles yells out, comically, taking the words right out of fans’ mouths.  Derek then proceeds to literally roll over and play dead doggie, right in front of Stiles’ car . . .

I’ve fallen.  And i can’t get up!”

Stiles and Scott immediately rush to their “new pal’s rescue.”  Undoubtedly, getting back at his buddy for failing to give him a ride, Scott quickly shoves the rapidly decaying body of Derek Hale in Stiles’ passenger seat, while he skips off on his “study” date with Allison.  The selfishness on this show, apparently, knows no bounds.

Behave for the babysitter, son.  Daddy will be back to pick you up, as soon as he gets laid.”

Now conscious, a weakened Derek informs Stiles and Scott that he has a bullet in his body with the Argent name all over it . . . a bullet for which Derek’s werewolf powers are no match.  “A silver bullet?”  Stiles asks, clearly having done his Googling Werewolves homework for the evening.  Derek rolls his eyes, informing us that THIS part of werewolf lore apparently doesn’t apply to our story. 

Always one to accentuate the positive, Scott tells Derek that he overheard Auntie Kate telling Evil Were Hunter that with the bullet inside of him, our Sexy Beast has only 48 HOURS TO LIVE!

But WAIT!  There’s hope!  If Scott can somehow locate the TYPE of bullet that hurt Derek in time, Derek can cure himself.  HOORAY!  But the clock is ticking . . .

Allison finds Scott in the parking lot, and wonders why he suddenly seems all buddy-buddy, with Derek, the same guy, Scott freaked out about, when he found out he had driven Allison home from the party.

“Feel totally free to invite your hot drug dealer friend over to my house.   I can think of lots of ways the three of us could entertain one another.”

Scott avoids the question, and tells Allison he will meet her at her house.  Then he RIDES OFF ON HIS BIKE, while Allison gets into her car.  AGAIN . . . why is NOBODY offering to give this poor kid a ride!  I mean, him and Allison are going to the SAME place for crying out loud!  Now, that’s just rude!

As Stiles drives away, with Derek in the car, and Scott rides off into the sunset on his trust bike, Alpha Male Douchebag Jackson . . . wait for it . . . WATCHES SUSPICIOUSLY. 

DUDE!  Get a HOBBY!

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“These are a few of my favorite things.”

Allison is shocked to find that Scott has arrived at her home at the same time as her, despite the fact that she DROVE IN HER CAR, while he followed behind her on his lame two-wheeler.  Scott fumbles through an excuse, and Allison notes that Scott has been “acting strange all day.” 

Strange, moi?”

Upstairs to Allison bedroom they rush, books in hand.  Scott notes to his chagrin that, despite having lived in Beacon Hill for a month, his new girlfriend still hasn’t unpacked.  Allison doesn’t want to talk about this, so she quickly sticks her tongue down Scott’s throat, and her hand down his pants.  She then pushes him roughly onto the bed and straddles him.

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Well . . . that’s ONE way to avoid an uncomfortable conversation.

Things get hot and heavy REAL fast for Scott and Allison, so much so that Scott quickly finds he has to contend with THESE . . .

The werewolf version of a boner?

Fortunately, Scott gets a text on his cell phone, before he gets a chance to rip his girlfriend’s face off.  It’s Stiles.  “Dying Sexy Guy stinking up my car!  SOS!”  He texts . . . or something like that.

But there is NO WAY Scott is going to let a little thing like a SUPER DANGEROUS DYING MAN in the passenger seat of his BEST FRIEND’S car get in the way of his cuddle time with Allison.  So, Scott lamely texts back that he “needs more time” and goes back to doing . . . what he’s BEEN DOING, which is most certainly NOT searching for the Magic Bullet that will save Derek’s life.

NO ME GUSTA!

Back on the Dying Werewolf Roadtrip, the stench of death is becoming rather overpowering in Stiles’ car, as he tries to drive the wounded Derek back to his ramshackle house.  Just so you know, Derek!  I’d be happy to help you out with that pesky Death Smell, by giving you a good old-fashioned shower.  Just take off your clothes.  I’ll gladly handle the rest . . .

(And might I say, the green screen effect they used to make Stiles look like he was actually driving, was REALLY LAME.  I half expected to see flying toasters and purple dinosaurs outside his window.)

“NO!  I will not make out with you!”

But Derek doesn’t want to go home, and he doesn’t want to go to the hospital.  He wants to show his bloody bruise to an incredibly nauseated Stiles.

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“Is that contagious?  You should probably just get out,” remarks Stiles, in between gags, as he pulls over to the side of the road.

Then Derek shows us, for the first time, that he actually does have a sense of humor, by uttering what was undoubtedly the FUNNIEST line in the entire episode.  “Start the car . . . or I’m going to rip your throat out . . . with my teeth,” he snarls.

Yes, I understand that Derek wasn’t AT ALL kidding, when he said that.  But, you have to admit, it was pretty damn funny!  And Stiles’ petrified facial expression in response?  CLASSIC!

Bet you are wishing you had your trusty fire extinguisher now.  Don’t ya, Stiles?

Back at the Argent House, Allison is unpacking in front of Scott, showing him pictures of Auntie Kate, and allowing him to examine her Hobby Box.  Apparently, Allison sucks at a lot of things . . . like art . . . and poetry . . . and photography.  But you know what she’s good at?  SEX bowling, gymnastics, and . . . BEING A MURDERER.  Allison LITERALLY takes Scott to the Gun Show, when she brings him to her garage, which is FILLED with assorted guns and bizarro weapons.  She even takes out a crossbow and aims it right at his head.  (Foreplay?)

Apparently her dad is an “arms dealer for law enforcement.” 

Riiiiiight!  And if you believe that, than I am proud to inform you that you just won $100 million dollars in the TV Recappers Lottery.   Just mail me your address, and I’ll send you a check in 3 to 5 business days.

Stiles texts Scott again.  Derek has taken a turn for the worse, as it seems.  But Selfish Horndog Scott is too turned on by Allison’s breasts crossbow to care.  The pair start making out again, right in the middle of all those lethal weapons.  Then Daddy comes home, and he wants help with the groceries.  He also wants Scott to LEAVE . . . NOW! 

But don’t you worry, Scott!  Auntie Kate is here to the rescue.  And even though SHE is a guest in the house herself, Cool Aunt K has NO QUALMS WHATSOEVER about inviting her niece’s boyfriend over for dinner.  Suddenly, Evil Were Hunter Dad is VERY EAGER to spend some bonding time with his prospective future son-in-law . . .  “You eat meat?”  Daddy Dearest inquires.

GULP!

Euthanizing Rabid Dogs . . . and other Warm and Fuzzy Stories to Tell at the Dinner Table

“Did I ever tell you about the time that I chopped up my daughter’s ex boyfriend, and served him to the family as steak?”

Now, I’ve seen Meet the Parents . . .

So, I KNOW awkward boyfriend/ girlfriend dinners.  But this one pretty much takes the cake.  First, Daddy-o starts testing Scott, by offering him liquor, and asking if he smokes pot.  He then starts TOTALLY bashing on lacrosse, by basically calling it a low-rent version of field hockey, snidely noting that Scott’s so-called “brilliant plays” only occurred in the final moments of the game.

I’m getting angry.  And you wouldn’t like me, when I’m angry.”

Basically, I think Evil Were Hunter Dad is trying to piss Scott off enough that he will wolf-out at the table, just as he tried to trigger Derek’s bad temper, last week at the gas station.  Scott doesn’t take the bait, however.  Instead, he politely excuses himself to use the restroom. 

“If you weren’t grabbing my crotch under the table, I would totally be decapitating your dad, right now.”

Our hero sneaks off to the garage and calls Stiles, who is now with Dying Derek at the animal clinic.  (Do they just not lock that place, ever?)  Derek reminds Scott that he HAS to find the bullet, not just for Derek’s sake, but for his own.  “The Alpha called you out last night, against your will.  Next time it will expect you to kill with it.  You have to kill it or be killed.”

Now, that Derek has shown Scott how the situation will effect HIM, suddenly he’s more intent on finding the bullet used to shoot Derek.  But it won’t be easy.  “This place is the Walmart of Guns!”  He complains.  Unfortunately, Walmart’s Employee of the Month Auntie Kate finds him snooping, and she wants to f*ck his brains out is not pleased.

“Why go for the GIRL when you can have the WOMAN?  We BOTH like violence, which means we can be as rough with eachother as we want.”

Scott sheepishly apologizes for mistaking the garage for a bathroom. But as soon as Kate leaves, he heads to HER room, starts snooping through her bags, and finds EXACTLY what he’s looking for.

Now, you know what I generally do, when I’m snooping through somebody’s bag that I shouldn’t be.  I CLOSE THE BAG SO THAT NOBODY KNOWS I WAS SNOOPING.  But not brilliant Scott!  He takes the offending bullet, slips it into his pocket, and LEAVES KATE’S BAG WIDE OPEN.  Why?  Because Scott’s a MORON, that’s why!  What do you expect from a D minus student?

“I’m not a moron!  How could I be a word I don’t even know how to spell?”

Back at the dinner table, conversation moves to Scott’s work at the animal clinic.  So, Daddy Argent, ever the story teller, launches into a “fun for the WHOLE family” story about a sweet dog who gradually succumbed to madness, after having been bit by a rabid animal, and eventually had to be shot.  I think I saw that movie.  It was called Old Yeller.  Anyway, the parallels between the dog’s situation and Scott’s were pretty obvious.  Evil Were Hunter is like a predator toying with his prey.  One wrong move from Scott, and he’ll pounce.

Speaking of pouncing, on the way out of the house after dinner, Aunt Kate stops Scott and not-at-all-subtly accuses him of stealing something out of her bag like, say, a Magic Bullet.  She even goes as far as to ask Scott to empty his pockets and prove that he didn’t steal anything.  Allison then surprises everybody, by announcing that SHE was the one snooping in Kate’s bag.  She then proudly holds up her contraband for all to see, including her dad.  It’s . . . wait for it . . . a condom.

AWKWARD!

A very relieved Scott dashes off on his bike to save Derek.  But is he already too late?

You Hump that Floor, Derek HALE!

As soon as newfound bromantic buddies Derek and Stiles enter the animal clinic, Derek rewards us for sticking with the show for this long, by IMMEDIATELY peeling off his shirt.

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For those of you who have been waiting to see Derek’s “assets” since the show began, rest assured, he does NOT disappoint.  What’s better, Wolfman has the COOLEST black back tattoo I have EVER seen.  If anybody was lucky enough to get a screencap of it, PLEASE SEND IT TO ME, ASAP.  If you do, I promise I will send you all the sexy Damon Salvatore pics your heart desires, in return.

As time runs out for Derek, he is running out of options.  If Scott doesn’t get to the clinic with the bullet soon, Derek will die.  But Derek has a plan to save his own life, and it involves . . . STILES CHOPPING OFF HIS INFECTED ARM?

“Haha!  That’s HILARIOUS!  Wait . . . you’re serious?”

Stiles initially refuses.  But then Derek starts coughing up blood and black bile.  “My body is trying to heal itself,” he explains.

“Well, it’s NOT DOING A VERY GOOD JOB!” Stiles exclaims.  (LOVE HIM!)

With no time to waste, Stiles  reluctantly agrees to chop Derek’s arm off.  He’s got the blade ACTUALLY touching Wolfman’s skin, when Scott FINALLY arrives, bullet in hand.  “Thank you for saving me from a lifetime of nightmares,” remarks Stiles gratefully. 

So, Scott hands Derek the bullet.  And . . . Derek drops it into a grate, before falling unconscious on the floor.   (Nice catch, Wolfman!)  Now Derek is writhing on the floor half-naked.  And it would be truly upsetting, if it werent’ so gosh darn sexy . . .

I’ve never wanted to be a floor so bad in my whole life.

When Derek falls completely unconscious, Stiles revives him by . . . get this . . . PUNCHING HIM IN THE FACE.  If only ALL medical emergencies were that easy. 

But there is still the little problem of the escaping bullet.  Scott reaches into the grate, but can’t reach it with his HUMAN nails.  So, instead, he does this . . .

That’s actually kind of gross, when you look at it up close like that.

Speaking of simple remedies to SERIOUS ailments, Derek must have read some kind of Werewolf Cure-all Handbook, back in the day.  Of course, he instantly knows to light the offending bullet on fire, and push the ashes into his arm.  And POOF!  Derek is magically healed!  THE SEXY BEAST LIVES!  YIPPEE!

Now that they have saved his life, Scott and Stiles want that pesky shirtless Adonis out of their lives for good!  They would gladly throw their lot in with the Evil Werewolf Hunters over the likes of the Lone Wolf.  But Derek needs Scott’s help to defeat the Alpha.  And so, he decides to show Scott once and for all how heartless Allison’s family truly is, and what SHE will eventually become.

Derek takes the twosome to the local hospital where the one surviving relative of the fire that killed most of his family lives out his days in a catatonic state, half his face charred beyond recognition.

Derek and his sister were not in the fire, only because they were at school at the time it took place.  And we all know what happened to Derek’s sister.

Scott argues that, having been at school, Derek cannot be sure if it was the Argents who started the fire.  However, Derek is certain.  “They were the only ones who knew about us,” he explains.  “They said they would only kill adults, and only with proof, but there were some people in that house who were completely normal,” Derek explains.  *shivers*

Back at Allison’s house, Evil Were Hunter Dad and Aunt Kate continue to plot to take down the Alpha, while Allison leaves a voicemail on Scott’s cell phone, and finds weird diamonds on the driver’s side window of Kate’s car, which happens to be wear she suffered the werewolf attack.

“Ooh!  These would make really pretty earrings.  Score!”

And there you have it.  The “Magic Bullet” in a nutshell.  Tune in next week, to watch Jackson and Lydia lose their minds, hopefully as a result of an overload of Sexy Derek and Scott Shirtlessness.  Hey, a girl can dream, right?

[www.juliekushner.com][Fangirls Forever]

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Who’s Your Daddy? – A Recap of Teen Wolf’s “Pack Mentality”

Don’t we all kind of feel like this, when the alarm goes off on Monday morning?

Well, werewolf lovers, it looks like we have a real mystery on our hands!  WHO’S THE ALPHA?

Tonight’s third installment of Teen Wolf was what we in TV Land like to call a “game changer.”  Game changers take what you think you know about a particular program, and turn it on its head.  Game-changing episodes either make a show (by defying fans expectations, and reinvigorating their interest in the narrative) . . .

  . . . or break a show (by being so patently ridiculous, that they destroy the foundations on which a show’s main plotline was built).

Considering Teen Wolf is currently only three episodes old, it is, perhaps, still too early to determine whether tonight’s plot twist is a “postive” game changer, or a “negative” one.  And yet, I will say that, in my opinion, at least, “Pack Mentality” was, by far, this series’ strongest installment yet.  Watching this episode gave me, for the first time since the series premiered, an inkling of confidence that Teen Wolf has what it takes to become more than just a summer hiatus series.

Clearly, Stiles is pleasantly surprised by my statement.

Let’s revisit it, shall we?

Worst Wet Dream EVER!

Please don’t let me die on a school bus.  That would be SO lame.  If you plan to kill me, at least have the decency to do it in a hot car!”

When the episode begins, Allison and Scott are making out, and dry humping eachother in the dark.  It’s getting pretty hot and heavy, in an almost R-rated sort of way.  But then Scott prematurely ejaculates starts wolfing out, and everything goes to hell in a . . .  school bus?  Suddenly, Wolf Scott is chasing after Allison, and she is running away in tears and SCREAMING HER HEAD OFF. 

Garbage pails are thrown.  Windows are smashed.  The back door of a school bus becomes caked in blood.  Scott wakes up in a cold sweat, relieved that this was all nothing more than a bad dream.  Or was it?

“Man, I’ve really gotta stop watching The Vampire Diaries, before I go to bed!”

At school, Scott tells Stiles about the dream that made him all hot and bothered.  And Stiles chastises his friend a bit for not even being able to “seal the deal” with Allison, IN HIS DREAMS.  “When I have dreams like that, they end a little bit different,” Stiles notes wryly.  (Oh, I bet they DO, Stiles!  I bet they do!)

Who has two arms, and just got banged in his sleep by the entire female population of the sophomore class? THIS GUY!”

But when Scott spies a brutalized and bloody school bus parked outside the school, he begins to wonder whether what he remembers is actually real.  A frantic Scott dashes through the hallways, in search of Allison, to make sure her head is still attached to her body.  (Jury is still out on whether there is actually a brain in there.)  When he can’t find her right away, Scott immediately flies into a rage, taking his anger out on a poor defenseless locker . . . Alpha Male Douchebag Jackson‘s locker, to be exact.  Oops!

“You asshat!  NOW, where am I going to store my 100 pounds worth of hair product?”

But, worry not, Allison fans, because Scott bumps into HER, just a few seconds later.  SHE’S OK!  

And you know what?  I am so glad, because I was REALLY GENUINELY concerned that this show was going to kill off the main character’s love interest, after just two episodes of air time.

 Sarcasm.  What can I say?  It’s a gift!

During class (Yeah . . . believe it or not, they actually DO spend a believable amount of time in school, on this show.  It’s kind of refreshing.), everybody rushes to the window, to see a body carried out of the bloody school bus on a stretcher.  It’s a bus driver, and he looks pretty darn dead . . . at least . . .  until he starts flipping out, like a crazy person.

“Maybe if I tell my mom that a werewolf ate my bus driver, she will finally let me take the car to school.”

Now, Scott is convinced that his wolf-self had, in fact, tortured the bus driver, and ravaged his bus last night, while his HUMAN self, was busy wet-dreaming about butchering his girlfriend.  And yet NO ONE seems to be asking the obvious question:  What exactly the bus driver was DOING on a school bus, in the middle of the night?  Does he LIVE in there?

It kind of reminds me of when I was a little kid, and I assumed that all my teachers lived at the school, and slept in their classrooms, when they weren’t busy teaching me.  So, you can imagine my surprise, when I would occasionally see them at the grocery store, or at the post office.   But, I digress . . .

Like most teenage boys, I suspect, Scott cares about getting laid and . . . well . . . that’s pretty much it.  So, the fact that our “hero” seems more concerned about how his “sleep-murdering” tendencies might negatively impact his upcoming date with Allison, than he is about the fate of the poor, probably homeless, bus driver, who’s face he may have consumed as a midnight snack , is disconcerting, but not necessarily surprising. 

What’s more surprising (well . . . at least to Stiles . . . I think most viewers probably expected this), is Scott’s decision to approach prospective Sister Muncher (Bad choice of words?) Derek Hale for tips on How to Be a Better Werewolf.

Umm . . . how about tips on how to be a better vampire bat, instead?  As you can see, I’ve already got the ‘hanging upside down’ part covered.”

Bowling for Douchebags

It’s lunchtime, and Scott and Stiles are both surprised to find themselves eating at the “cool table,” for a change.  When Alpha Male Douchebag and Co. plop down next to the two best buddies in the cafeteria, the boys aren’t sure whether they should be pleasantly surprised or seriously freaked out.  I like how dating the Hot New Girl at school seems to have made Scott instantly popular, by association.  In terms of the Complex World of High School Social Politics, this seems to be something the show actually got right.   (Then again, Scott’s newfound “sports stardom” probably had a bit to do with his Climb Up the Social Ladder, as well.)

 Though we got a brief glimpse of him last week, this was the first time viewers were officially introduced to Jackson’s best friend Danny, who just so happens to be a homosexual.

I have to say, I loved the little risque comment Danny made to Jackson’s other friend (Apparently, he has TWO!  Go figure!), when Other Friend asked Jackson why the Douchebag always kicked HIM out of the lunch table, instead of Danny.  “Because I never stare at his girlfriend’s coin slot,” Danny remarked cleverly.

Speaking of the  . . . ahem . . . Coinslot, at lunch, Lydia inquires what she, Jackson, Allison and Scott should do on their upcoming double date.  I believe it was Jackson who suggested bowling.  First lacrosse?  Now . . . bowling?  This is quickly becoming the Random Sports’ Endorsement Show! 

I have to say, I really did expect “popular kids” like Jackson and Lydia to have more exciting, rebellious, ideas about how to kill time on date night than bowling.   Then again, it is a sport that emphasizes the fondling of BIG BALLS!

And, in that sense, I suspect it is right up this crew’s alley!  Though Scott knows all too well that he SUCKS at bowling, big time, he simply can’t prevent himself from entering into a classic pissing contest with his rival, by telling the Alpha Male Douchebag, that he is the best Ball Groper and Pin Punter on the Planet!

And might I say, Mr. McCall, that if you are ever looking for someone to grope your . . . er . . . punt your pins . . . I’m your girl!

Speaking of pin punting, did anyone else find it a bit strange how preoccupied Stiles was with whether Danny found him attractive?  I suspect the comment was just inserted for humor, and to, again, reiterate the notion that there is, in fact, a gay character on this show.  But I’d be lying if I said it didn’t make me wonder a bit . . .

“Hi, Danny!  How YOU doin’?”

The lunchroom scene is followed by a glimpse of Scott at work at the local veterinary clinic. 

Stiles’ dad, the Sheriff, pops in to get his dog’s stitches removes, and starts randomly spewing out all this “supposedly classified” information about how the busdriver’s injuries have been determined to have been caused by a wolf.  Scott looks on wide-eyed, even though he pretty much knew this information already.  Then, as if the scene wasn’t disturbing enough, the Sheriff gleefully and graphically recounts the precise way in which a wolf will incapacitate his prey.  Those of you who put the Sheriff at the top of your “Alpha” suspect list, probably cite this scene as your reason for thinking so.

Who’s Afraid of the Big Bad Werewolves?

As far as I’m concerned, this guy’s mutilated mug is more frightening than those CGI werewolves will EVER BE!

Apparently, Scott’s mom is a nurse at the local hospital.  After work, Scott visits her to ply her with food, in hopes that she’ll lend him the car for his upcoming Wild and Crazy Bowling Date.  Unfortunately, for Scott, his mom shoots him down, citing as her reason the “mandatory curfew” for minors, which was enacted in town, as a result of THIS .  . .

Never . . . gets . . . old.

After chatting with his mother, Scott sneaks down the hall to visit his old pal / prospective first victim the busdriver.  The latter, upon seeing Scott’s face, starts screaming like a banshee, making Scott more convinced than ever that HE was the one who attacked this now-mentally unstable victim.

How to Be Were (wolf)

This scene is followed up by a seemingly random one, in which a cop goes to examine Derek’s house, to ask its presumed owner follow-up questions about his “half” sister.  (See what I did there?)  However, the minute the cop leaves his car, and starts approaching the house, his police dog starts going apesh*t.  This causes Beacon Hills’ Finest to immediately pee his pants, and run screaming in the opposite direction.

“Peek-a-boo!  (I see YOU!)”

By the way doesn’t the above picture remind you of something?

Maybe it’s just me . . .

In hindsight, it’s uncertain whether the police dog was reacting to Derek’s presence or to the OTHER werewolf on the scene, Scott.  After all, the latter has just arrived at Derek’s house to “talk” about the whole Busdriver Incident. 

 By the way, I noticed something about Derek’s house.  It’s gross . . . and, pretty much, a fire hazard waiting to happen.  It also probably lacks indoor plumbing.  And why shouldn’t it, when Derek can just lift his legs and “do his business” in the woods, most of the time, anyway?  I’m willing to bet he saves a lot on his water bill that way.  Plus, considering that “being a werewolf” is probably not the most lucrative occupation on the planet, Derek can probably use all the monetary help he can get!

But I digress . . .

“Am I going to hurt someone?”  Scott asks.

“Yes,” replies Derek SexyWolf.

“Am I going to kill someone?”  Scott probes further.

“Probably,” says Derek, earning extra points for honesty.

“You also have bad breath.  And I think the shirt you are wearing is ugly.  Oh, and it makes you look fat.”

Apparently, Derek is the Obi Wan Kenobi of Werewolves.  (Who knew?)  When he offers Scott to teach him how to “hone his gift” (sounds kinky), the Big Bad Were acts as though he is giving the teen the Greatest Honor Ever Bestowed on a (sort of) human being.  But, alas, in Derek’s world, the best things in life are NOT for free.  Therefore, admission into the prestigious Derek Hale School of Werewolf Brooding, Smouldering, and Creepily Glaring at People does not come without a steep price.

What’s the price, you ask?  Well, Derek has decided to keep his only most promising student in suspense about that little part of the deal, for just a little while longer.  (Far be it for Derek to spoil the Big End of the Episode Cliffhanger, twenty minutes too early.) 

However, since Derek  HASN’T set his “fee,” at this point in the episode, might I make a suggestion?  It’s a good one, if I do say so myself.  (WAY BETTER than the SUPER LAME form of payment Derek actually ends up requiring of Scott, in fact.) Are you ready for it?  Here goes . . .

As payment for teaching him how to Be the Best Brooding, Glaring, Monotone-Line Delivering Werewolf he should be, I suggest that Derek should require Scott to . . . wait for it . . . not wear a shirt for the remainder of the season. 

(You KNEW I was going there, didn’t you? ;))

For his very first were- lesson, Scott wants to know how to go about remembering things that happened during his “Lost Werewolf Time.”  I bet you are never going to guess what Derek’s “fabulous” advice regarding this difficult Were-Problem?  I’ll give you a hint.  It’s the same thing they are always telling everyone to do in those Nike commercials!

That’s right, boys and girls.  Our protagonist has just agreed to pay some as-of-yet undetermined price to learn how to do “werewolf stuff,” and the first piece of advice he receives is to “just do it.”  I don’t know about where you come from, but around these parts, that’s what I call a F*&KING RIPOFF!

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And yet, surprisingly, this lame advice actually seems to work.  Because, later that night, when Scott, and (the self-proclaimed Robin to his Batman) Stiles, head to the “Scene of the Crime” that night, all Scott seems to have to do is physically BE where he recalls being during his “dream,” and POOF, memories of that fateful night just seem to magically appear to him, almost as though they have been there all along!

*sings* “Stars shining bright above you.  Night breezes seem to whisper I love you.  Birds underneath the sycamore tree, dream a little dream of . . . . EATING YOUR FACE OFF AND RIPPING OUT YOUR THROAT!”

Now, I may poke a bit of fun at how conveniently easy it was for Scott to suddenly remember all this heretofore COMPLETELY inaccessible information.  And yet, the fact that Scott can do this at all presents to the viewer an aspect of the Teen Wolf mythology that is SURPRISINGLY complex . . . especially, for an MTV show about half-naked teenage werewolves who run around terrorizing people, and take the occasional break to play a “nice game of lacrosse.”

I’m talking about the idea of “dual consciousness.”  Let me see if I can explain this correctly.  Based on what we’d seen of the show up to this point, most of us probably assumed that Scott’s “werewolf-ism” acted like a form of dissociative / multiple personality disorder.  In other words, whenever Scott became “the Wolf,” his “human” self was completely out of commission . . . unconscious . . . sleeping . . . whatever term you prefer. 

But NOW we see that HUMAN Scott was actively engaged in his own little snuff porn dream involving Allison, at the EXACT SAME TIME that Wolf Scott was supposedly “trying to save” the busdriver from another wolf. Weird right?  Speaking of weird, during his “just do it” form of Lost Wolf Time Investigation, Scott learns that he and the busdriver weren’t ALONE during the Incident.  SURPRISE!  Derek was there too!

School buses never looked so enticing . . .

Speaking of Derek . . .

Big Bad Wolf Reconnects with Some “Friends” / Gets a New Sunroof for His Car

Much like Scott before him, Derek heads to the hospital to pay a visit to the now-deformed Bus Driver.  As we suspected, just like with Scott, the Bus Driver definitely seems to recognize Derek.  So, much s,o that he actually goes as far as to apologize to him repeatedly.  (For what?  Why are you sorry, Bus Driver?  For getting your face eaten?  For being funny looking?  For ruining this beautiful Derek moment by frightening me in this scene?) 

This little “coincidence” led me to wonder whether the Bus Driver was as random a victim as the writers would initially have us believe.  What if the Bus Driver was, like Derek’s sister before him, another werewolf?

It would explain why Derek instinctively knew to travel to the site of the Incident in the middle of the night.  It would also jive with some pertinent information to which we become privy toward the end of the episode.  But more on that later . . .

For now, what you need to know about the Bus Driver is that, shortly after seeing Derek at his bedside, he . . . DIES!  That’s right, folks, the poor Mutilated Bus Driver took one look at that Hot Piece of Man Meat standing over his bedside, staring down at him with those gorgeous eyes of his, and he DROPPED DEAD. 

You know, come to think of it, I would probably have a very similar response, if I woke up to find someone as attractive as Derek Hale leaning over my bed.  I would have died too!  Though . . . probably not for the same reasons the Bus Driver did.

*sigh*

Poor Derek!  The dude just killed a guy with his hotness.  And now, his night is about to go from bad to WAY worse!  We catch up with the Sexy Wolf, a bit later, while he is filling up his tank at the local gas station.

Apparently, in this town “getting gas” is somewhat of a Social Event.  After all, just minutes after Derek has situated himself suggestively across the hood of his car, hand clutching tightly to the gas pump, he finds himself surrounded by TONS of company. (Gang Bang?)  And I bet you will NEVER guess who that “company” happens to be!  Actually, you probably, will.  It’s Allison’s Creepo Dad and his Asshat Werewolf Hunters.

Werewolf Hunter Dude immediately starts washing Derek’s windshield (not a metaphor for sex, unfortunately).  As he is doing this, he starts making thinly-veiled threats to the werewolf about “importance of protecting the things, and people he cares about.”  He also makes an insensitive comment about how Derek doesn’t have much “family” anymore, an obvious reference to his “half” sister.

But things really come to a head (again, not a metaphor for sex) when Derek dryly suggests that the men check his oil next, and one of Big Bad Werewolf Hunter’s Cronies obligies . . . by bashing in the passenger side window of Derek’s car!

  At this point, I was kind of HOPING for Derek to wolf out, and kick some Redneck Hunter ass.  But, of course, that’s what the Werewolf Hunters were undoubtedly counting on happening, thereby giving them the public ammunition they need to shoot him in “self-defense.’  So, I’m proud of my Sexy Wolf Man for keeping his cool, in a situation where most humans DEFINITELY would not.

Hey, maybe Derek IS the Obi Wan Kenobi of werewolves, after all!

Allison Finally Grows a Personality (and it’s kind of slutty, not to mention,  a tad suspicious)

I hate girls who always look like they are posing for a picture, even when there is NO CAMERA AROUND.

Around this time, Lydia is hanging out at her new bestie, Allison’s house, and helping the latter prepare for her Wild and Crazy BOWLING date with Scott.  Once Lydia finds Allison something suitably tacky from her closett to wear, Big Bad Werewolf Hunter Dad pops in to remind the kiddies that as a result of the death of Derek’s “half” sister, there is a curfew tonight, and neither of them are to leave the house.  Lydia hits on Big Bad Werewolf Hunter Dad, shamelessly for a bit, and then he leaves.

Once he’s gone, Lydia sarcastically inquires as to whether Allison is “Daddy’s Little Girl.”

“I am,” Allison replies.  “But not tonight.”

To prove it, Allison jumps from her two story bedroom window, and lands on her feet: an unnecessary stunt, especially considering her dad had announced he was leaving the premises, and she could have just as easily used the DOOR, as Lydia helpfully points out later.  Allison chalks up her Spiderman-like abilities to “8 years of gymnastics.”  And yet, those who suspect Allison to be the “Alpha” (again, more on that later) point to this scene as evidence of her true identity.

At the bowling alley, EVERYONE seems to be bowling non-stop strikes, except for self-proclaimed “awesome bowler” Scott, who keeps throwing nothing but gutter balls.

*insert sad trumpet music*

Alpha Male Douchebag Jackson, who’s been perpetually pooping himself lately with jealousy over Scott’s newfound-lacrosse playing ability, is just eating this up, laughing loudly and uproariously at Scott’s expense.  I actually think this is the first time we’ve seen the character smile on the show. 

Fortunately for Scott, Allison is there to rescue him.  At a crucial moment in the game, she pops up to offer her Cuddly Wolf Boy some “helpful” advice.  And here it is:  He should picture her naked, while he bowls. 

Wait . . . what?  THAT’S THE WORST SPORTS-PLAYING ADVICE, EVER!

Do you know what happens to me when I try to play sports, while thinking about sex?  Scratch that, do you know what happens to me when I think about sex, while doing ANYTHING that doesn’t involve . . . oh . . . I don’t know . . . having SEX?  I SUCK, ROYALLY.  (And no, THAT is not a metaphor for sex, either!)  In fact, I think it’s pretty safe to say that any human would react the same way I would when trying to follow Allison’s “helpful” advice.

Yet . . . Scott is NOT human . . . not anymore . . . not entirely, anyway.  Scott is a werewolf.  And, as Stiles helpfully informed us in the pilot episode, werewolves tend to “wolf out,” whenever their pulse raises, like, for example, when they are extremely angry . . . or extremely nervous . . . or extremely . . . wait for it .  . . sexually aroused.  So, all it takes is for Scott to think about Allison naked and, SUDDENLY, he’s Mr. Pro-Bowler! 

We know immediately that this has happened, because Scott starts seeing the bowling pins in RED.  Now, honestly, I don’t know what makes red pins easier to shoot down than plain old white ones, but hey, whatever floats your boat, Scottie Boy! 

So, of course, Allison and Scott are thrilled, Lydia is intrigued, and Jackson is sporting PermaBitchFace again, and making those oh-so-redundant threats to Scott that he’s going to “find out what’s up with him, if it’s the last thing he does.”  Yeah, yeah, yeah!  It’s time to put your body where your mouth is, Jackson.  (OK . . .  that ended up sounding dirtier than I intended.)

Bite me, Wolf Boy!  (I bite back).”

Anyway, here’s MY question.  How did Allison know, for sure, that her “bowling advice” would work for Scott, when it seems SO antithetical to everything most of us know about sports?  It’s almost as though Allison KNEW exactly what would spark Scott’s hidden athletic prowess / werewolf powers.  And how would she KNOW that, unless . . . SHE IS THE ALPHA?

Scott Bowls Strikes (Literally and Figuratively), Stiles Gets Struck (again)

Back at Scott’s house, Scott’s mom is home from her nursing night shift. She approaches Scott’s room to check up on her son, and finds him . . . MISSING!  And yet, rather than assuming, as most parents would, that Scott has disobeyed curfew, and snuck out of the house, Scott’s sweet (possibly naive) mom, begins to wonder whether something AWFUL happened to him (like, say, he got bitten by a rapid werewolf, and, then, almost HIT BY A CAR)

So, when Scott’s mom hears the sound of footsteps climbing into Scott’s window, she doesn’t assume it’s Scott, but, rather AN INTRUDER.  Like mother, like son, Mommy Dearest immediately picks up her trusty bat,  and runs into the room swinging.  Except, the person at the window is not an intruder at all.  In fact, it’s not even Scott, it’s STILES!

“Seriously!  You guys HAVE to stop trying to clobber me with a bat.  I’m going to start to take it personally.”

Fortunately, for Scott, he snuck in just moments earlier, after having exchanged some SERIOUS smoochies with She-Wolf Allison on her porch. 

In short, Scott had the perfect night, AND he didn’t even get nailed to the wall for disobeying curfew by his mama.  Talk about win-win!  Well . . . except for one thing.  Apparently, Stiles creeped into Scott’s room in the middle of the night to have his way with him deliver some bad news.  It’s time for Scott to learn what most of us already knew:  Mutilated Bus Driver is no more.  And Scott . . . well, he’s SUPER PISSED ABOUT IT!

Battle of the Funny Lucking Wolf-Head Thingies

In what is already becoming a comically regular occurrence on this show, Scott storms over to Derek’s crack house, all angry and accusatory.  “YOU KILLED HIM,” Scott screams at Derek in one breath, regarding the former-Bus Driver.

“YOU DID THIS TO ME,” the Teen Wolf, shouts in another, regarding his newfound tendency to sometimes sprout hairs from his ears, and resemble E.T.

Derek denies BOTH accusations.  But, of course,  he’s too cool to just say that in front of Teen Wolf.  Instead, he allows his voice to echo around the entire house, while he hides somewhere off screen, Wizard-of-Oz Style.  Wow!  I was unaware, ventriloquism was a werewolf skill.  Neat . . . I guess.

When Derek finally does show his face, Scott is already wolfed out, and starts lunging after him.  So, Derek decides to wolf out too. 

 This marks the first time in the series that we have seen Derek’s wolf form.  And it’s . . . well . . . a tad underwhelming, if you ask me.  Honestly, I’m not really sure what I was expecting out of Wolf Derek, but it wasn’t that. Perhaps, I was looking for something hotter?  Or scarier?  I’m not really sure.

Meh!

Either way, the fight scene between the two wolf heads was kind of cool.  And yet, what was even cooler (and more shocking) was what Derek said to Scott AFTER the two Wolf Heads finished fighting.  During his little monologue, the following points of interest / game-changing facts were revealed:

(1) Derek was not the one who killed the Bus Driver, nor was Scott.  A THIRD WOLF did the deed.  And he is an ALPHA wolf.  In other words, when he wolf’s out, he looks more like Jacob from Twilight, and less like the E.T.-esque Beta werewolves, Scott and Derek.

(2) Derek DID NOT bite Scott.  The Alpha Wolf DID.  So, Scott is now part of THAT wolf’s pack.  Therfore, the Alpha is now on the HUNT for Scott, seeking him as part of his “team” or something.

(3) The Alpha Wolf may have also been the one who killed Derek’s sister, since she had come to town hunting for that wolf.  If so, he did it to draw Derek out, and “send him a message.”  (Of course, the Hunters could have just as easily done this, for the same reason.

(4) Scott’s connection to the Alpha Wolf is the key to bringing it down.  (Remember how Derek required PAYMENT for his wolfing lessons?  This is it!  Scott gets to be Alpha Bait.  YAY!)

Whatchu talkin about, Recapper?”

Of course, this begs the question I’ve been hinting at throughout the recap.  Who’s the ALPHA?  Is it someone NEW, who we have yet to meet?  Or is it someone we ALREADY know, like Allison (My money is on her, so far), or her Dad, or Lydia, or that Crackhead Coach? 

Tune in next week to find out.  (Well, we probably won’t find that out next week.  But tune in then, anyway.)

[www.juliekushner.com][Fangirls Forever]

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A Wolf in Scott’s Clothing – A Recap of Teen Wolf’s Second Episode, “Second Chance at First Line”

STILES:  “It’s called a UNIFORM, Scott.  You have to wear one, or your teammates will realize there is something ‘different’ about you.”

SCOTT:  “But Stiles, don’t you get it?  Your acting skills, the size of my pects, and Derek’s eyes are the only things keeping this show on the air.  The more I walk around like this, the better chance we have of not getting canceled.”

STILES:  “Oh . . . carry on then.”

Initially, I was completely baffled by MTV’s decision to air two new episodes of Teen Wolf in a row, on consecutive nights.  However, having finally watched this second installment, I can see why the producers of this show might have made that choice.  After all, “Second Chance at First Line” definitely seemed like more of a continuation of the pilot, than its own episode, didn’t it?  Aside from learning a bit more about the show’s distinct brand of werewolf mythology, not all that much really happened in this hour.  We did, however, get another heaping helping of  the whole “Werewolves are SUPER at lacrosse” message  .  . .

Here’s a hint MTV:  Do you want to increase viewership?  Try replacing the word “lacrosse” with “sex” in the above sentence.  Just a suggestion  .  . .

So, strap on your helmets, kiddies, because it’s time for another recap . . .

“Don’t Cry, WOLF!”

 

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“I really shouldn’t have eaten all those beans last night.”

I’m going to have to assume that Episode 2 of Teen Wolf begins right where Episode 1 left off.  Scott has just found out that Allison’s dad is an Evil Werewolf Hunter.  And so, he heads to the locker room, takes off his shirt (naturally), bangs his head against the locker, and starts squinching up his face, like an infant in need of a diaper change.  Had the aforementioned Close Encounter with Bad Dad Kind not just happened, Scott’s excessive emotionality in this scene, probably wouldn’t make too much sense .  . .

Fortunately,  Stiles is there, ready and waiting to wipe the tears from Scott’s eyes, and the snot from his nose.

 Super cute, Seth Cohen-esque Sidekick, at your service!

Scott provides Stiles with a quick recap of the last few moments of the first episode.  And I can’t help but wonder why these two guys seem so willing to BLATANTLY TALK ABOUT SCOTT BEING A WEREWOLF in a locker room where ANY OF THEIR TEAMMATES CAN HAPPEN TO WALK IN AND HEAR THEM.  Being a werewolf, might increase your strength, speed, hearing and stamina, but it sure doesn’t do sh*t for your intelligence level . . . or lack thereof.

Here’s a hint, Scott.   You’re pretty.  Marry some smart girl, who can be the breadwinner in your family, and keep you living in the Perpetually Half-Naked House Husband manner to which you are accustomed.

Anywhoo . . . it’s time for practice . . . AGAIN.

Distracted by his “personal problems,” Scott makes a bad play on the field, and is told by the overly hyper Coach Crackhead that he runs like the latter’s dead grandma.  This makes Scott, ANGRY.  And you won’t like Scott when he’s ANGRY . . .

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Scott’s second play is decidedly un-dead grandma-like.  So much so, in fact, that he ends up ramming into Alpha Male Douchebag Jackson, and dislocating his shoulder.  OOPS!  This sends Scott into a werewolf transformation tailspin.  So, he rushes back to the locker room, before any of his classmates can see him sprout a face that only a Dead Grandma could love . . .

“Is that a lacrosse stick in my back, or are you just happy to see me?”

When Trusty Sidekick, Stiles, follows Scott back to the lockers to make sure he is OK, a Wolfed Out Scott, starts LITERALLY seeing red.  And that’s when all hell breaks loose. (Note to MTV:  ELIMINATE the cheesy CGI graphics from this show, ASAP!  We kind of figured out Scott was “enraged” and “not himself,” by the fact that he was GROWLING, CLIMBING THE LOCKERS, and TRYING TO EAT HIS BEST FRIEND.  The “Shaky Wolf Cam” stuff was just overkill.)

Finally, a surprisingly clever Stiles (well . . . clever, when he’s NOT talking about his best friend being a werewolf, in public), manages to de-wolfanize Scott, by shooting him with a fire extinguisher . . .

I’m thinking, right about now, Stiles would rather be on Gossip Girl or 90210, where the most dangerous thing he might get “eaten” by would be a bad case of crabs . . .

Scott, conveniently, has no memory of the last two minutes.  Fortunately, Stiles is more than happy to provide a recap.  “You tried to kill me,” he offers, helpfully.

Stiles suggests to Scott that maybe playing in the first lacrosse game of the season, isn’t the best idea . . . at least not until the latter gets a better hand on his wolfish instincts.  Scott reluctantly agrees. However, when he finds out that everyone AND HIS MOTHER will be stopping by, specifically to see him play, the not-so-lone wolf begins to reconsider his options. 

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Often in my recaps, I tend to make fun of shameless insertions of technology, like Skype and Google, into teen shows.  These Often Useless to the Plot Scenes tend be included in teen drama scripts, for no other reason, than to rake in advertising dollars, and to make teen viewers  forget that the writers of the “cool” show they are watching are actually middle aged men, who have NO CLUE what real teens today actually sound like.  That being said, as of this week, Teen Wolf bears the proud distinction of having the Best Use of Skype in a Television Drama EVER!

Watch and learn . . .

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That’s right, boys and girls!  Teen Wolf cleverly used Skype to put a new twist on the old “Someone Appears Seemingly Out of Nowhere, in Your Bathroom Mirror” horrror movie trope.  The scene worked, because it genuinely caught me (and I suspect many other viewers as well) off guard.  Here’s how it worked:

We saw the Skype-Thing happening, immediately assumed the scene was going to be useless (ask Skype scenes tend to be), and pretty much stopped paying attention.  So, when Stiles starts acting weird (well . . . weirder than usual), and the computer screen freezes, we are right there in Scott’s shoes, trying to figure out what the heck is going on.  And when the computer screen reveals that Derek has been standing behind Scott the whole time, I must admit, I literally jumped out of my chair.

“Ahh . . . the male escort I ordered has finally arrived.”

So, of course, the writers had to follow that up with a Classic TVD-inspired Homoerotic Wall Slam . . .

“In the words of Nine Inch Nails, I want to f*&k you, like an animal.”

Derek seemed different in this episode, didn’t he?  In the Pilot he was all, “We are family,” and “Go Team Wolf,” and “Enjoy my Gift.”  And now he’s all, “Intense Stares,” and, “Empty Threats,” and “Creepy Proclamations.”  Did he forget that HE was the guy, who made Scott a wolf, in the first place?  Given that, it’s a bit hypocritical of him to be all judgy of Scott’s “Anger Management Issues,” don’t you think?  Talk about the Pot calling the Kettle, a wolf . . .

“Who you calling a kettle?”

Anyway, Derek scolds Scott for not being more careful about hiding his “gift.”  (It’s a good thing he didn’t watch that first scene in the locker room!  That would have REALLY pissed him off.)  He then pretty much tells his so-called brother that he’ll kill him, if the latter decides to play in the first lacrosse game. 

OH NO!  No more LACROSSE SCENES?  Say it ain’t so?  (She said, sarcastically.)

Peer Pressure from the Wolf Pack

“Are your eyes YELLOWER than they were yesterday, or did I snort so much cheap coke this morning, that I’ve started to hallucinate?”

When Scott approaches his coach the next day at school, to tell him that he can’t play in the upcoming lacrosse game, due to “personal problems,” (It is his “Time of Month,” after all) Coach Crackhead immediately assumes that Scott doesn’t want to play because he is either (1) gay, or (2) a meth addict. 

Riiiiiight, because the “symptoms” of homosexuality and severe drug addiction are EXACTLY the same.  The whole conversation seemed so random, and completely out of place, that I can only assume that its purpose was to foreshadow the introduction of a gay character on the show.  Well . . . that . . . and Scott sort of DOES act like a meth addict, sometimes . . .

“How familiar are you with the ‘furry’ community?”

Also, subtly encouraging Scott to play lacrosse, is his new “gal  pal,” Allison, who not only informs him that she will be watching the game from the stands, she also plans to have hot animal sex with take him out to celebrate, after the game is over.  Directly, after this scene, we are treated to a seemingly random shot of Allison alone at her locker, finding a jacket she left at the party from the pilot episode.  Based on the eerie music that’s playing, a WOLF seems to be watching her hungrily.  The questions is, is that wolf SCOTT (who, after all, more or less, was just propositioned for sex, and is probably all hot and bothered now), or Derek (who we know had access to the jacket, when he drove Allison home, and was probably the one who returned it to her locker)? 

Hmmm . . . interesting . . .

Speaking of interesting . . .

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I BET you do! 😉

 . . . I haven’t quite figured out this Lydia character yet.  Last week, she went from not knowing who Scott was at all, to seeming to want to jump his bones, all because he had suddenly become a solid athlete.  This week, she waffled between wanting Scott to play lacrosse (even though he mowed down her boyfriend), because she wanted her team to win the game, and hoping that Scott would play POORLY, so that her boyfriend would look better on the field.

Whatever her true motivations, Lydia did seem to succeed in thoroughly baffling Scott.  Then again, given that the Wolfman never exactly struck me as the sharpest tool in the woodshed (biggest maybe, but not sharpest), that probably wasn’t all that difficult to do.  Later, when Lydia purposefully introduced Allison to other boys right in front of Scott, his Crazy Creepy Jealous Side emerged, which was NOT ATTRACTIVE AT ALL. 

Scott started immediately peppering his not-yet-girlfriend, with needy questions relating to various interactions with members of the opposite sex in general, and Derek Hale, in particular.    And I have to say, if I was Allison, and some guy left ME stranded at a party, and then started treating me, all Abusive Boyfriend-y like Scott was treating her, so soon after I first met him, I would run FAR AND FAST in the opposite direction. 

Yet, Allison barely bats an eyelash.  Perhaps, it has something to do with her deep-seated Daddy Issues . . .

Nevertheless,  Scott’s firm belief that, if he decides not to play in the lacrosse game, Lydia will whore out Allison to the entire sophomore class, is what, ultimately, convinces him to play.  (Gee Lydia!  Thanks for the guarantee of more lacrosse scenes.  How will I ever repay you?)

However, in order to make it to the game without being MURDERED by his “new brother,” Scott must eliminate Derek Hale from the picture, first.  And in order to eliminate Derek Hale, the newbie wolf has to somehow prove that Derek was the one responsible for the half-eaten corpse in the woods. 

Morgue Shopping and Grave-Digging, a.k.a. Just Another Weeknight for Scott and Stiles

“Hey look!  I think I just found the Hatch from Lost down here.”

The last time Scott was at Derek’s house, he smelled a corpse buried beneath the property, using his Superhuman Sniffing Power.  Now, Scott hopes to “sniff out” the other half of the body in the morque to see if the “smells” match. 

Yeah, I just vomited in my mouth typing that sentence . . .

I mean, never mind that, in order to preserve a body in a morque, it’s sprayed with all sorts of chemicals specifically to HIDE its smell.  But, whatever, it’s just television, right?  Or should I say . . . Smell-evision.

Lydia and Alpha Male Douchebag are also at the hospital, getting shots for Alpha’s wounded shoulder, at the time.  So, Scott tries to distract them . . . well . . . at least shamelessly flirt with distract, Lydia, so that Scott can sneak past unnoticed.  (I love how THESE are the people who Scott is worried about being discovered by, as opposed to  . . . say HOSPITAL SECURITY OR A MEDICAL EXAMINER.)  As it turns out, Lydia and Alpha Male Douchebag don’t need distracting.  They do a fine job of that all on their own . . .

“My shoulder may be injured, but my weiner works just fine!”

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“I would very much like to Google you . . . and I don’t mean on the computer either.”

So, Stiles settles down in a waiting room chair, and starts reading an intriguing pamphet about menstrual cycles.  Because, you just never know when that type of information will come in handy . . . 

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(And, yes, I caught, the wolf rage / PMS metaphor here.  Clearly, this episode was written by a MAN!  Women don’t joke about these sorts of things . . . even though I kind of just did.)

Alone in the morgue, Scott locates the Partial Jane Doe’s better half, i.e. her BOTTOM half,  gives it a big snifferoo, and determines that the scent DOES, in fact, match the scent he picked up near Derek’s house.  Now, all Scott and Stiles have to do is exhume the other half of the body from Derek’s front yard, without being caught.  Easy, right? 

Though the ENTIRE time I was watching this scene, I kept expecting Derek to come home, he DIDN’T, despite the fact that Scott and Stiles never even thought to check up on his whereabouts, before going on their little archealogy dig.   They just assumed they could go digging up his front yard in the middle of the night, and he would NEVER notice.  In their defense, I vaguely recall seeing Derek leave in his car, right before they started digging.  But, for all they know, he could have been heading out for a quick errand.   Wolf Detective Team, FAIL!

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“I’ll be watching you!”

Scott and Stiles find the body relatively quickly, but are pretty shocked to find that its not human at all!  Rather, it’s the body of a WOLF!

I had to laugh when Scott and Stiles screamed like little girls, upon finding the dead animal, as if it was SO MUCH SCARIER than what they ACTUALLY expected to find . . .

Ahem!

Nevertheless, Stiles conveniently notes that a solitary wolfsbane plant is buried in the soil, where it wasn’t before.  Remembering from his Google searches, and countless hours spent jerking off to wolf porn watching old werewolf movies, that wolfsbane has a negative effect on werewolf powers, he pulls the plant out of the ground, only to find that it is attached to a rope encircling the grave.   When the rope is unraveled, the wolf’s dead body miraculously transforms back into human remains.  Weird, huh?

Now, Stiles and Scott have the evidence they need to get Derek arrested for murder.

Derek accepts his arrest, with the same mildly annoyed facial expession he has worn the entire episode.  And Stiles, who clearly has a death wish, takes this opportunity to hop in his dad’s police car with the confirmed killer, so the two can have a little “chat.”

“So, Wolfman, how about that Anthony Weiner guy?  What a TOOL, right?”

Stiles wants to know why Derek’s werewolf victim had the ability to transform into a FULL FLEDGED wolf, whereas Scott, transformation is, more or less, limited to his face and hands, and makes him look, less like a wolf, and more like a cross between E.T. and how my cat looks in the dark. 

 Note:  This is NOT MY CAT.

The answer to this question seems pretty obvious to ME, and I haven’t done nearly as much research as Stiles has.  I presume the answer to Stiles’ question is as follows:  While Derek and the victim were werewolves by birth, Scott is only a werewolf by BITE, thereby preventing him from undergoing a complete transformation.

But hey, like I said, Stiles is only SOMETIMES clever.  Like, for example, in the following scene, when his father accuses him of lying about Scott’s  whereabouts, the night Stiles was caught in the woods, and Stiles explained that he wasn’t lying, because “lying” meant “reclining in a horizontal position.”

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Stiles is also smart enough to take the wolfsbane with him, when he leaves Derek’s property.  After all, the plant will undoubtedly function as a great way to protect this mere mortal, should his bestie decide to go apesh*t on him again, like he did earlier in the locker room.  The problem, of course, is that, when confined to close spaces, like, say, for example, Stiles car, wolfsbane makes Scott feel ill.  And feeling ill makes Scott ANGRY.  And getting ANGRY makes Scott look like THIS . . .

So, of course, when Stiles pulls over his car, to let a wolfish Scott escape to “do his thing” in the woods, the latter somehow winds up on Allison’s roof.  And so he begin stalking her bedroom, like the UGLIEST, and Most Ambitious, Peeping Tom ever!   Eventually, Scott takes a tumble from the roof, only to be ALMOST hit by Allison’s Evil Dad’s car.

  Now back to his normal self, Scott seems dazed and confused as to how he wound up here.  Dimwitted Allison doesn’t seem to think there is anything wrong with this situation, and is just happy to see that her boyfriend is alive. 

“Aww! I”ve never had my own stalker, before!  I am SO flattered!”

Evil Hunter Dad, however, is obviously suspicious . . .

Let’s Get Ready to Rumble

It’s Game Day!  And Scott McCall is ready to kick some Mystic Falls’ Timberwolf ASS!

Fortunately, for Scott, none of the Cool Kids from Mystic Falls (shown above) actually PLAY lacrosse.  Otherwise, he’d be dead meat.  Of course,  Scott would have WAY better luck kicking some Timberwolf Ass, if SOMEONE actually passed him the ball.  Unfortunately, Alpha Male Douchebag has cautioned his teammates against doing just that. 

Up in the stands, Lydia, who may actually be the SMARTEST person on this show (Not that this is saying much.  Sorry Stiles!)  seems to know, instinctively, that Scott plays his best when he’s “all riled up.”  So, she commandeers Allison to hold up a “We Love Alpha Male Douchebag” sign in the stands, for Scott to see.

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“On the inside I’m crying, but on the outside, I want to rip your face in half, and wear it as a hat.”

The ploy works, and, before you know it, Scott is growling at the TVD extras, leaping over bodies, and scoring like the Selfish Ball Hog we always knew he could be.   But, alas, by the time he has won his game for his ungrateful teammates, Scott is too wolfed out to care.  When the game is over, he dashes from the field toward . . . wait for it . . . THE TRUSTY LOCKER ROOM, AGAIN.  (Dude!  Try the woods.  There are WAY less humans there!) 

In the locker room, Scott pounds a bathroom mirror in fury, as he heads off to complete his transformation into that Weird Thing that’s Supposed to Look Like a Wolf, But Doesn’t Really. 

Dumb as Dogsh*t Allison, ever the glutton for punishment, follows Scott into the boys’ locker room (kinky!).  It’s all dark and creepy in there.  (Did the school forget to pay it’s electric bill, or something?) 

She quickly notes the broken mirror, and hears the heavy breathing of a wolfed-out Scott, who is  perched awkwardly on a locker above her head, waiting patiently to rip out her skull.  But, hey, isn’t getting your body ripped in half by a Psycho Beat worth the risk of True Love. 

No?  Yeah . . . I didn’t think so, either.

“Could you just do me a favor . . . when you eat me . . . try not to mess up my makeup?  I wouldn’t mind, except that I spent an HOUR on it, before the game, and I’d hate to have all this Pretty go to waste.”

Somehow, Scott turns back to normal, and Allison finds him in the showers, looking all teary and vulnerable.  She ignores the 800 million warning signs she’s received that this guy might very well be a Date Rapist in the Making, and starts making out with him, hardcore.

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Ever the “supportive buddy,” Stiles watches his bestie engage in this Precursor to Shower Sex, looking more than a bit jealous . . . of ALLISON.

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“I smell SHOWER SEX . . . and Sweaty Boys’ Gym Socks!”

After Allison leaves, Scott rushes to tell Stiles how proud he is of himself for being able to tongue Allison in the dark, without prematurely ejaculating chewing her perky boobies off, with his wolf teeth.  Unfortunately, Stiles has to poo on his bestie’s happiness with some BAD NEWS.  Apparently, the Medical Examiner Report ruled the dead body in Derek’s yard to have been killed by “animal attack.”  And, since nobody knows Derek is an “animal” yet, he was released from jail.

“You can’t tell from my blank facial expression, but I am very happy about this new development.  I am now free to stare intensely at you and your friends, every Monday night, for the foreseeable future.”

Oh, and did I mention that the Coroner identified the dead body as belonging to DEREK’S SISTER?

Back on the field, Alpha Male Douchebag finds Scott’s lacrosse glove on the floor, in a moment very reminiscent of the Glass Slipper Scene from Cinderella.   He notices, to his confusion, that it has holes where the fingers are supposed to go.  It looks almost like the wearer of the glove broke through its fabric with his LONG SCARY FINGERNAILS!

Uh Oh, Scott!  It looks like somebody needs a manicure!

And that’s all she wrote folks.  Did you like this episode better than the pilot?   Or were you disappointed in its comparative dearth of shirtless scenes?  Feel free to sound off in the comment section, below!

[www.juliekushner.com][Fangirls Forever]

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Would you like fangs with that? – A Recap of the Pilot Episode of MTV’S Teen Wolf

Is this a TV show, or a REALLY long commercial for Axe body spray?

A few months back, I previewed the trailer for MTV’s Teen Wolf, a sort-of new take on a VERY old comedy film of the same name that starred Michael J. Fox.  Last night, after MTV’s Shamless Promotion of All Things Twilight Movie Awards, I managed to catch the show’s premiere episode.  But just in case YOU didn’t, here’s what happened . .  .

It was a dark and stormy night . . . (Stop me if you’ve heard this one, before.)

“When they told me I was going to get a cameo role in a new teen drama, I didn’t think this was what they meant.”

Meet “typical high school student, from a small sleepy town,” Scott McCall, and his half-naked torso . . .

I vaguely recall glibly remarking, when I first watched the trailer for this show, that the main character was shirtless for about three-quarters of the scenes featured in the promo; and that this was most likely a nasty case of false advertising.  Well, ladies and gentleman, I stand corrected.  Suffice it to say that our new pal Scott never met a shirt he liked very much.  Fortunately, he has the body to pull it off.  (Pun intended.)

Anywhoo, we interrupt our regularly scheduled program of Naked Pull-Ups by Scott, to bring you this Very Important News Flash:  There’s a STRANGE NOISE Coming from Outside!

So concerned is Scott about this Strange Noise that he must put on clothing to investigate.  And we all know how much Scott hates wearing clothes.  With his trusty bat in hand, Scott slowly creeps outside, so as not to alert the Thing That Goes Bump in the Night that he’s coming.  It is not until he reaches the edge of his front porch, that he learns the source of the Strange Noise.  Brace yourselves, kiddies!  Because the Strange Noise is coming from . . .

AHHHHHH! It’s the Upside-Down QuirkyBest Friend / Insertion of Comic Relief!  Wow, they really had me going for a minute there.  And by “really had me going,” I mean “didn’t have me going at all.”

Upside-Down Quirky Best Friend has a name.  It’s “Stiles.”  Why is it that the quirky best friends always have the cool names, like “Boner,” “Cockroach,” and “Stiles,” while the “heroes” always have run-of-the-mill names, like “Mike,” “Adam,” and “Scott?” These are things I think about WAY too often.

Stiles’ dad is the Chief of Police in the Sleepy Town of Beacon Hills, where Scott and Stiles live.  After doing some snooping, Stiles learns that the police found HALF a dead body in the woods.  So, he thinks it would be a SWELL idea for him and Scott to go Corpse Hunting.  Though clearly reluctant to interrupt his fun-filled evening of Naked Chin-Ups and Admiring His Own Hot Body, Scott ultimately agrees to accompany his friend into the Dark and Evil Forest in search of Trouble with a Capital “T.”

“Bet you can’t do THIS, Naked Chin-up Boy!  Weeeeeeeeee!”

I should perhaps mention now that our hero uses an inhaler.  This, of course, is meant to show that, at least prior to The Change, Scott has “Human Limitations.”  Either that, or the producers just like watching him blow and suck . . .

Scott’s and Stiles’ Corpse Hunting Excursion doesn’t last long.   Stiles dad promptly finds his son in the woods, and drags him home by his ear.   Nice going, DAD!  Way to poop on your son’s CSI fantasies!  Fortunately (or, unfortunately, depending on how you look at these things), Scott has managed to evade capture.  His cunning is awarded, when he is ALMOST STAMPEDED TO DEATH BY A CAVALRY OF BAD CGI GRAPHICS FRIGHTENED WOODLAND CREATURES!!

As this was a surprisingly DARK show, in the sense that there was hardly any LIGHT on the screen at all, I couldn’t manage to secure a solid screencap of the Stampede Scene.  Suffice it to say, it looked a little something like THIS . . .

Though Scott’s head miraculously manages to escape the melee, unsquashed by hooves, the stampede does happen to nab his inhaler, during their escape.  Using his cell phone as a flashlight, Scott combs the woods for his inhaler, but instead finds the chewed-up female pictured above.  Though she kind of looks like an inhaler . . . and, in her previous incarnation, Scott may have liked to suck on her, she is woefully too large to fit in our hero’s mouth. 

(Yes, I recognize this joke was in VERY bad taste.  My apologies.)

And just when you think this night can’t get any worse for our hero . . . HEEEEEEEEEEERRREEEE’S WEREWOLF!

Wolfy tackles Scott, taking a sizeable chunk out of his insanely well-defined abs.  However, it ultimately chooses not to cut our hero IN HALF, like his last victim, because . . . well . . . that would make doing Naked Chin-ups WAYYYY too easy for him, now wouldn’t it?

“Dude!  Take it from someone who knows!  Get that sh*t checked out by a doctor, STAT!”

“I concur!”

As if that wasn’t bad enough, the minute Scott escapes the werewolf, he is ALMOST HIT BY A CAR! 

“You have GOT TO BE KIDDING ME!”

Now, under normal circumstances, I would have made some cracks about how UTTERLY MORONIC it was of Scott to go home, put some gauze on his tummy, and go to bed, rather than heading STRAIGHT TO THE HOSPITAL, for some heavy-duty rabies shots.  However, given the CRAP night Scott, had, I can understand why he just wanted to call it an evening. 

After all, had he gone to the hospital, with his luck, the doctor on-call would probably have confused him with the patient next door, who was suffering from gangrene of the weiner. . .

“Hi, nice to meet you!  My name is Love Interest . . . er . . . I mean Allison.”

It’s the first day of school.  We learn immediately, that, despite his penchant for Naked Chin-Ups, and the fact that he sort-of, kind-of, resembles Taylor Lautner, Scott is NOT popular.  We know this instantly, because he (gulp) RIDES HIS BIKE TO SCHOOL!  Later on, in the episode, we see Stiles pick up Scott in his car, and we can’t help but wonder why the former doesn’t drive his pal to school in the morning to spare him this cruel indignity. 

Quirky Best Friend FAIL!

As if that wasn’t bad enough, Stiles than adds insult to injury, by telling Scott that it is HIS fault that Stiles isn’t popular either.  “I’ve been Scarlet Nerded by you,” says Stiles.  (That’s funny.  I thought Stiles was unpopular, because he keeps interrupting Naked Chin-Up Time.)

In class, we get our first sign that Scott is going through “The Changes,” when he hears a cell phone ringing from OUTSIDE the school, as well as the ENTIRE conversation that takes place thereon.  I’ll admit that the whole “superhuman hearing” thing confused me a bit.  Why do certain sounds seem EXTREMELY loud to Scott (like this phone call, and his coach’s whistle, later in the episode), while others don’t?  For example, if Scott could hear telephone conversations made 100 or so meters away outside, wouldn’t closer sounds, like the breathing of his own fellow classmates, drive him insane?  Science geeks out there, feel free to help me out with this one . . .

Regardless of how or why Scott was able to hone in on New Girl Allison’s cell phone conversation, it ended up helping him out BIG time, when he overheard that she brilliantly arrived at school without a pen.  (She’s a real world-beater, this one!)  Let that be a lesson to you boys, ALWAYS carry an extra pen between your legs in your pocket. 

“Drink the Kool-Aid, Allison!”

After class, Scott is once again able to ignore the conversation his friends are having RIGHT NEXT TO HIM, and, instead, focus on the conversation Allison is having with the Popular Kids, who are trying to make her join their Cool Clique, because she is hot.  Allison doesn’t seem interested in being Popular, however. 

I assume this is supposed to make us like her/ relate to her more.  But I just didn’t buy it.  After all, when you are the new kid at school, ALL you want to do is make friends . . . any friends.  And if you can manage to befriend the kind of kids that are going to make your life easier in high school, you DO IT, no matter how big of jackasses those kids ultimately end up being.  Just sayin’.  Anyway, Allison looks longingly at Scott from across the hallway.  Eye f*&king ensues . . .

“I would very much like to devour the bottom half of your body, and leave the top half in the woods for dumb high school kids to find.”

“I didn’t know werewolves played lacrosse?”

School’s over.  And it’s time for the First Lacrosse Practice.  Every student who’s not on the team seems to be in the stands, which makes me wonder whether Beacon Hills High has any other sports / extracurriculars, or if it’s just a One Team Town.  The Lacrosse Coach is WAY TOO energetic and has an obnoxiously nasal voice!   He reminds me of what I imagine a used car salesman on crack would sound like.  It works for him, though . . .

“CRACK IS WHACK . . . BUT TASTY!”

“My whole life has been spent sitting on the sidelines,” Scott whines to his bestie Stiles.  Get it?  SIDELINES?  It’s a SPORTS METAPHOR!

But Scott’s not going to sit on the sidelines today!  No sir!  He’s going to sit in the GOAL . . .

He does this, based on his Oh-So-Supportive Coach’s theory that he’ll suck so bad at defending the space, that it will give the other players the confidence they need to start the season off right . . .

Things get off to kind of a bad start, when Scott, deafened by the ear-splitting sound of Coach’s whistle, becomes distracted, and takes a shot right in the head.    After that, however, his werewolf abilities kick in, and he catches EVERYTHING thrown at him, like he was BORN to play goalie.  This does not please Alpha Male Douchebag Jackson, AT ALL!  In fact, it makes him SO MAD that he homoerotically slams Scott into the lockers, and asks him where he’s getting his “juice?”

“I REALLY want to kiss you, right now.”

“My mom does all the grocery shopping,” responds the completely innocent to the World of Roid Rage, Scott.  When Scott then comically starts monologue-ing to his rival about all the weird stuff that’s been happening to him since his werewolf bite, Jackson thinks the Unpopular Kid is making fun of him.  And so, like any cliched villain, Jackson utters THIS classic line, “There’s something going on with you, and I’M GOING TO FIND OUT WHAT IT IS.”  (Are you trembling with fear?   Because I’m trembling with fear . . .)

Who’s afraid of the Hot Bad Wolf?

After school, Stiles and Scott go back to the woods to retrieve Scott’s inhaler, and to get another glimpse of the corpse version of Venus Di Milo . . .

But, lo and behold, the body is GONE!

In it’s place is Wolf Man, Derek Hale.  He glowers and smoulders a bit, making some remarks about this being “private property,” before tossing Scott his inhaler, and walking off into the sunset. 

“Hey Derek, what’s with ALL the clothes?  I thought our kind liked to be naked all the time . . . Maybe that’s just me.”

Stiles explains that Derek is a few years older than they are, and that his whole family died in a fire, ten years ago.  How convenient!

Speaking of convenient . . .

Scott McCall – Dog Whisperer / Lady Killer

Did I mention that new-ANIMAL Scott works at an animal clinic?  Did I also mention that all the non-canine animals sheltered there now seem deathly afraid of him?  Gee, I wonder why?

It’s yet another “dark and stormy night.”  There’s a knock on the animal clinic door.  It’s Allison.  She’s wet . . . and sad.  Apparently, she hit some cuddly little puppy with her car.  Does it have an owner, one who’s worried sick about its absense?  Nobody seems to know or care . . . not when it gets in the way of Flirtation and Foreplay. 

Though Allison was somehow able to get the dog that she ran over into the backseat of her car, now, conveniently, she can’t touch it, because it is too angry and snarly.  Enter Magical Scott, and his Mesmeric Dog Whispering Eyes of Lust . . .

All of the sudden, Puppy could care less about having his leg flattened by the car of some random pretty girl.  He (or she) is in LOVE!  (And Scott didn’t even have to take off his shirt to obtain this result.  Go figure!)

“Take me to your Naked Chin-Up Bar, and show me your biscuit.”

As it turns out, unpopular as he may be at school, Scott is quite the little charmer with the ladies and the dogs.  Ever the smooth operator, Scott wraps Puppy’s wound, while telling Allison that he TOO would have CRIED, if he ran over a dog with his car.  (Wimp!)   He then helps Allison gather up the courage to pet Puppy’s fur.

“See?  He likes you,” whispers Scott.  (And by “he” I mean, “My Weiner.’)

Scott then pulls the “you have something on your face” trick, so that he can gently caress Allison’s cheek.  And if I wasn’t so impressed by how ridiculously good Scott is at this, I’d be truly nauseated by this entire conversation. 

Given how many points Scott has already scored in the “Get Into New Girl’s Pants” Game, it should be absolutely NO surprise to anybody that, when he asks her out to a party (to which (1) he was never actually invited; and (2) when SHE was initially invited, she lied and said she had Family Night) she agrees, before he can even finish his sentence.  Well played, Teen Wolf!

We end the evening with an at LEAST Half-Naked, if not MORE, Scott jerking off blissfully staring at the Full Moon rising outside his bedroom window.  (Uh OH!)

More Naked Scott (YAY!) More Obligatory Lacrosse Scenes (BOO!)

The next morning, Scott wakes up in the woods, with no idea how he got there.  And so, he frolics around half-naked for a while (which is WAY more fun than Naked Chin-ups!), and takes a quick dip in the neighbor’s pool . . .

The whole scene was about two minutes long, and had no plot significance, whatsoever.  And yet, it was my favorite part of the entire Pilot Episode.  Hmmm . . . interesting. 😉

At Lacrosse tryouts, Scott, not surprisingly, kicks ass again, this time, on offense.  When the Coach tells Scott he’s made the team’s starting lineup, everyone in the stands gets up and cheers, making me wonder if they too have wolf-sensitive hearing.  But Quirky Best Friend Stiles is concerned that his friend’s sudden sports prowess is “unnatural.” And so he takes a page out of the Bella Swan Book of Plot Explanation, and Googles “Werewolves” . . .

Stiles forces a very annoyed Scott, who is just hours away from his Date with Destiny Allison, to come over to his house so that he can explain this particular television show’s werewolf mythology warn his friend that he is now a werewolf.   In other words, from now on, but especially during a Full Moon, Scott is at high risk of becoming a bloodthirsty monster, any time he gets angry or sexually aroused. 

“First you interrupt my Naked Chin-Ups, and now THIS!  You are the BIGGEST . . . COCKBLOCK . . . EVER!”

Scott does not exactly take this news well.  And Stiles’ attempt to call Allison, on his friend’s behalf, to cancel their date, gets him even MADDER.  I smell another SEXY WALL SLAM!

“I am so turned on by you, right now.”

Scott quickly apologizes for his animal-like behavior, but it doesn’t stop him from going on his date with Allison.  After Scott leaves, Stiles notices to his horror, that at some point during the Sexy Wall Slam, Scott managed to CLAW THE CRAP out of Stiles’ desk chair.  Oops!

Scott McCall – Party ANIMAL!

We are treated to a few more Obligatory Shirtless Scott Shots, as our hero’s mom engages in conversation with him, while he prepares for his date.  She made some comment about him not getting his new girlfriend knocked up.  However, I can’t really tell you the specifics of what she said.  I was too busy staring at THE ABS.

At the party, things are going quite well between Allison and Scott.   They are grinding up one another, all close and sexy.  And EVERYBODY is taking notice.  (Remember, Scott is a SPORTS STAR, NOW!  No more being Scarlet Nerded for him!)

Clearly, Alpha Male Douchebag is not that good of a kisser.

But then Scott starts getting SEXUALLY AROUSED, and the TRANSFORMATION begins.  He rudely rushes out of the party, leaving poor Allison stranded, as he speeds back home, in his mom’s car.  (First Date FAIL!)  Fortunately, Hot Derek Hale is there to drive Allison home.  So, what if he’s SO OBVIOUSLY the werewolf who bit Scott?  Who cares that he literally CHEWED OFF A WOMAN’S ASS, prior to the start of the episode?  Mommy LIKES Derek Hale, A LOT!

Hey Derek, just so you know, you can eat my ass, ANYTIME!

Back in Were-Puberty Land, Scott is in his bathroom, and, SURPRISE, he’s taken off his shirt again, and gone to sit in the shower.  That’s when the cliched ugly wolf fingernails start to sprout . . .

Either Quirky Best Friend Stiles is a TOTAL stalker, or he was expecting this to happen all along. (Thanks Google!)  Because, the minute Scott is out of the shower, Stiles is at his door, telling him he still loves his pal, even though he’s a Beast in Desperate Need of a Manicure.  Scott inquires about Allison.  And Stiles informs him that his girlfriend went home with Derek Hale.  (So, I guess we are supposed to assume that Stiles was invited to the party too?)

Knowing exactly WHAT Derek is now, and the terrible things of which he is capable, a Wolfy-Headed Scott rushes into the forest to find Derek, while Stiles runs to Allison’s house (How did he know where she lived?) to make sure she still has legs.  Fortunately, Allison is OK.  The same can’t really be said for Scott, who looks like THIS now . . .

Scott runs into Derek.  And he’s all “WHY DID YOU DO THIS TO ME?  WAH!!!!!”

And Derek’s all, “You have a wonderful GIFT now.   I am your were- ‘brother.’  I will teach you how to survive and control your sexual urges.  We are going to bone so many hot chicks, together. Blah, Blah, Blah.”

Then, the Evil Hunters arrive and start shooting darts at poor Scott.  (Phallic imagery, anyone?)  Those bastards would have killed him too, if Derek didn’t go all BIG BAD WOLF on their lowly human asses.  (Like I said, I WANT ME some Derek, BIG TIME!)

The next day, Stiles picks up Scott for in his car.  (Sure, NOW he does it!)

I’ll admit that Stiles makes me fall in love with him a bit, when he tells Scott that he will help him cope with his Little Werewolf Problem. Mr. Sidekick is even willing to go as far as to chain Scott up in his basement during Full Moons (sounds kinky) and feed him mice (sounds gross), if he has to do so.  Now, THAT is true friendship!

Speaking of people who are unrealistically forgiving of Scott, Allison seems not nearly as peeved as she should be about Teen Wolf bailing on their First Date, and leaving her to get a ride home with the Hot Serial Killer.  In fact, all it takes is one puppy dog look from Scott, and Allison is already agreeing to Date 2.  Then, Allison’s dad comes to pick her up from school.  And I bet you will never guess what HIS occupation is . . .

.  . . Oh, that’s right.  He’s an EVIL WEREWOLF HUNTER!

And THAT was the Pilot Episode of Teen Wolf, in a nutshell.  Be sure to tune in next week, for more Obligatory Shirtless Shots of Scott, Wacky Stiles’ Antics, and Smouldering Derek Hale Hotness.

[www.juliekushner.com][Fangirls Forever]

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Teen Wolf: The Television Series, a.k.a. MTV’S Latest Attempt to Cash in on our Love Affair with All Things Supernatural (and Shirtless)

Having pretty much given up entirely on showing actual Music Videos, and having already cornered the market on “unscripted” reality series featuring all the young adults your parents didn’t let you hang out with when you were a kid . . .

 . . . MTV has decided to try its hand on “scripted” television series , that are ripped off from inspired by OTHER successful shows and films.  MTV’s most recent attempt at scripted fare, Skins, based on a critically acclaimed British series of the same name, was intially met with a whole lotta buzz-worthy controversy.  Unfortunately, that controversy ultimately did not translate into ratings or advertising revenue.

Now, MTV has found a new target: Fangbangers, i.e. the same teens and young adults who have helped shows like The Vampire Diaries, True Blood, Buffy the Vampire Slayer, and Being Human achieve cult status, the world over.  People like ME, and, I suspect, like YOU.

MTV’s Teen Wolf may share it’s name with a certain 80’s comedy film starring Michael J. Fox . . .

However, based on my review of the trailer — and the little bit of research I’ve done on the series, in general — the show actually seems to have a lot more in common with the recent onslaught of supernatural television series, than with any movie in which the so-called “Evil Beast” bears a striking resemblance to the “Teddy Bear I Still Sleep with at Night.”

There is no shame in Teddy Bears!  OK?  They don’t snore.   They don’t drool.  And they NEVER hog the blankets.

(In fact, Teen Wolf is actually SHOT right outside of Atlanta, Georgia, just a few miles from the set of The Vampire Diaries.  So, if you do happen to catch a vampire roaming across your screen, while watching the new series, you’ll know why . . .)

Now THOSE are some SEXY extras!

Teen Wolf stars Tyler Posey as Scott McCall, the wolfy adolescent, in question . . .

For those of you who remember Tyler as “the cute kid from that awful Maid in Manhattan movie, starring J Lo” . . .

 . . . be prepared to feel like a Big Ole Dirty Lech, because he’s SUPER hot now.  And, if the trailer is any indication,  he’s also at least partially NAKED for at least THREE-QUARTERS of the series!

Can I get a “HELL YEAH?”

“Scott’s story” is neither complex, nor particularly original.  (Then again, judging by what you just saw above, does it really have to be?) To make a not-all-that long story, even shorter, our protagonist is a fairly run-of-the-mill high school student, living a, more-or-less, unremarkable existence in a Sleepy Town, where he doesn’t get out much, and, probably never gets laid. 

 “How do I KNOW all this about Scott?”  You ask.

Well, let’s put it this way . . .  if you DIDN’T live an unremarkable existence in a Sleepy Town, where you don’t get out much, and never get laid, would you REALLY think it was a good idea, upon finding something like THIS, in the woods . . .

. . . to go out LOOKING for it’s chewed up and spit out OTHER HALF?

But go out and look, Scott does!  And I bet you’ll never guess what happens next . . .

That’s right boys and girls!  Scott get “mysteriously” bitten by a “Strange Creature.” [Insert Evil Laugh here.]  As a result, our Studly Man Child is left with a gnarly, but oddly attractive, gash on his toned little tummy.

Don’t worry, Scott.  Chicks DIG scars!

It’s time to bring on the Supernatural Teen Show About a Kid with Strange Powers Cliches!  Like, for example, the  Modelesque Love Interest (played here by Crystal Reed), who is somehow unaware of how modelesque she is, and is, therefore, still a Really Nice Person who’s “fun” and “oddly quirky” . . .

They are probably going to meet in class.  And he’s probably going to let her borrow his pen, while they engage in their Very First Eye F*&K . . .

And they called it “Puppy Love” . . .

The soon-to-be-couple is then going to probably have an Adorably Awkward (yet undeniably sexually tense) Conversation that is unfortunately interrupted by the arrival of Modelesque Love Interest’s Major Asshat of a Dad . . .

In this particular show, it looks like Dad may be the Major Villain of the story, leading his Red Neck Gang of Wolf Killers in a season- long game of Catch the Protagonist . . .

Rounding out this cast of characters will be the Sweet, but Dorky, Male Friend, who exists solely to (1) offer up mildly funny one-liners; (2) provide geeky insider information about Scott’s “condition” (discovered mostly through internet searching); and (3) illustrate first-hand just how much Scott has “changed” since his transformation, from the loveable loser that Sweet but Dorky, Male Friend once adored to . . . Roid Rage Man.

Also, let’s not forget the Alpha Male Douchebag, (Colton Haynes) who, deep down, has a heart of gold, and, probably a rich stuck up dad, who verbally (if not, physically) abuses him . . .

Wikipedia refers to this character as Scott’s “friend, Jackson.”  That, admittedly, would be a bit of a twist on the old formula.

We’ve also got the Popular, Kind of Slutty Girl, who’s Really Just Insecure .  . .

Then again, they can also turn this formula on its head, and make her the “Pining Gal Pal who’s Actually the Main Character’s Soulmate.”  (The verdict is still out on this one, since she only appeared for about a second in the trailer.)

And finally, we have the Wolf Version of Damon Salvatore, and, to a lesser extent, Eric Northman . . .

This is Derek Hale (played by Tyler Hoechlin a.k.a. That Kid Who Used to Be on 7th Heaven.). 

He’s the wolf who bit Scott “for fun.”  He also always wears black, considers wolfishness to be a “gift that keeps on giving,” refers to Scott as his “brother,” and, more or less, just seems to KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS, and be a whole lot more awesome (not to mention, hotter) than the main male character.

Sound like anybody ELSE you know?

Now, that we’ve got the characters down, let’s run through some obligatory scenes we will MOST definitely see on this show, shall we?  We’ve got the Sports Scenes (to appease our  straight male viewers .  . . or . . . perhaps I should say . . . straight male viewer?).  . .

 . . . the Sexy House Party with the Top 40 Soundtrack, that starts off Awesome, until Everything Inevitably Goes Wrong . . .

 . . . We’ve got the probably disappointing Jaw-Dropping First Transformation, which ALWAYS starts with the development of Dirty Yellow Fingernails  . . .

(Why IS that, anyway?  I’ve never EVER met a canine with fingers like that!)

 . . . and ends with the Must-Have Glowing Yellow Eyes.

Top it off with a few Well-Choreographed Matrix-Type Fight Scenes . . .

 . . . and a dollop of Supernatural Sex . . .

. . . and you’ve got yourself a HIT Series (maybe)!

But don’t take my word for it.  Watch the trailer and see for yourself.

http://media.mtvnservices.com/mgid:uma:video:mtv.com:636898

Teen Wolf is set to “transform into something hairy” on MTV on June 5, 2011.  Will YOU see it?

[www.juliekushner.com][Fangirls Forever]

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