Please, wipe your feet, before entering the school – A Recap of Pretty Little Liars’ “The Perfect Storm”

Hey, Emily and Lucas!  I want to show you something.  See this?  It’s called WATER!  You can use it to wash your SNEAKERS . . . you know, when they get DIRTY . . . and you have to go somewhere . . . IMPORTANT . . . like, say, an EXAM.

Tonight’s Pretty Little Liars installment didn’t really get us any closer to finding out who “A” was, or who killed Alison.  But it did provide us with motives for two brand new suspects.

Emily and Lucas

Granted, I don’t really think EITHER of these two “did it,” but it does serve to make things a bit more interesting . . . 

Oh, and you know what else?

IT’S ALIVE!

Yeah, so apparently, Dead Creepy Toby is not so much DEAD, after all.  Then again, I don’t think he “did it” either.  That would be way too easy!  He still scares the crap out of me though . . .

But I’m getting a bit ahead of myself here . . . So, strap on your muddy sneakers and, let’s backtrack a bit . . .

It’s S.A.T. Time!

When the episode opens, Spencer, Aria, and Hanna are studying for the S.A.Ts, which they will all be taking the next day.  They are also waiting for Emily, who is MIA.  Now, I’m not sure exactly how long its been since the writers of this show took their SAT’s.  But you would think that SOMEONE on the staff would have taken the test recently enough (like, say, sometime within the last 50 years) to know that studying vocab words with flashcards the night before the test isn’t really going to help.  The chances of a word on those cards ACTUALLY being on the test, are about as slim as the chances that Toby is actually “A” on this show . . .

“Hey Emily, do you, by chance, know a synonym for the word ‘psychopath?’

Nonetheless, I do have to thank ABC Family for the little vocab lesson I received tonight.  Before this episode, I didn’t know what “meretricious” meant (It means “deceitful”).  Now I do!  Yay, for educational television!

“Tonight’s episode is brought to you by the letter ‘A.”

So, the girls are studying.  Hanna is trying to convince Aria to get with Senor Bushy Eyebrows.  Spencer is gushing over Alex.  Blah, blah, blah . . . pretty boring stuff.  But then someone wonders out loud where Emily is . . .

“Well, I’m not out buying clean shoes to wear for the test, that’s for sure!”

Elsewhere, Emily dashes into her bedroom and locks the door.  She’s soaking wet and muddy from running in the rain.  She empties out the contents of her bag, and shoves them under her bed.  It’s hard to tell what’s in the bag, but we suspect it’s some pretty random and useless sh*t.

Case in point: THIS photograph.

Relieved that she has gotten away unnoticed, Emily slumps down on the bed, heaving a sigh of relief.  That is until her cell phone vibrates.  Hey, Emily!  You got a new text message!  Golly gee!  I wonder who it’s from?

The taunting text messages have returned! 

THAT was awkward . . .

“On the bright side, Mom, at least I’m not boning my sister’s fiance anymore!”

Sigh!

It’s now the day of the exam.  And the same storm that made Emily so wet the night before (ha ha ha) is still going strong — SO STRONG, in fact, that the exam might actually be canceled!

Oh, please no!  The S.A.T’s can’t be canceled NOW!  Not when I finally know what meretricious means!

Spencer’s mother, who we haven’t seen AT ALL since the series started, but is suddenly Miss Overbearing Mommy of the Year . . .

“Woo hoo!  SAG card here I come!  Wait .  . . what’s my daughter’s name again?”

. . . insists on escorting Spencer to the exam.  Once inside the high school, Mama Hastings immediately proceeds to raise hell to anyone who will listen, about the travesty of justice that will inevitably result, if her precious little daughter, Spencer, has to take a test IN THE RAIN!  (Heaven forbid!) 

Spencer . . . now THAT is a girl who would NEVER EVER be caught wearing dirty shoes to an exam.

“If my shoes were dirty, I wouldn’t be able to read the test answers I wrote on them, which, I conveniently stole from my sister’s laptop.”

As it turns out, Spencer’s new beau Not Wren Alex is also taking the S.A.T.’s at Spencer’s high school.  And her mom, may or may not have caught the couple cleaning eachother’s teeth with their tongues, right in the middle of the school hallway.  “Oh, you’re the [Ball] Boy from the [Country] Club,” says Spencer’s mom, with an expression on her face that looks like she just ate poop.

A face like that is generally not a good sign for you, Blue Ball Boy Alex . . .

Alex seems equally uncomfortable during the meeting, and Spencer, being Spencer, immediately assumes the worst.  “What did my mother say to you?”  Spencer demands.

 “I don’t want to talk about it,” replies Alex, in Typical Guy fashion, before basically blowing Spencer off . . .

Spencer doesn’t have too much time to ponder the meaning behind Alex’s sudden departure, however, because she is soon confronted by another moody man, one who looks a little long in the tooth to be taking his S.A.T’s . . . It’s Deputy Douchey of course!

Unfortunately, he had clothes on this time.

Deputy Douchey proceeds to tell Spencer and Co. what us Pretty Little Liar fans already knew.  “Somebody destroyed Alison’s memorial,” Douchey sneers.

Now, it’s Spencer’s turn to look like she just ate poop.  But Douchey’s not really interested in torturing Spencer today.  He has his sites on another Pretty Little Liar . . .

No, it’s not Hanna, although we’ve already established that Douchey secretly wants to get in HER pants . . .

“Moi?”

Douchey wants to know if Emily has seen Creepy Toby lately, who, as I mentioned, is not so much, dead, anymore.  Douchey suspects that Toby killed the memorial (and Ali?).  He also wonders out loud why Emily’s shoes look like someone took a giant dump on them. 

(Seriously?  WTF?  We all know Emily got home early enough the night before to wash her shoes, or AT LEAST change into another pair, before heading off to the exam.  Are we REALLY supposed to believe that the girl took the time to get dressed in a new outfit . . . and then put on those same nasty shoes . . . without bothering to so much as pat them with a sponge or paper towel?)

Fortunately for Emily, Spencer’s mother swoops in to halt the interrogation . . .

‘”I’m sorry, I thought you were my daughter . . . never mind.”

 . . . and the girls head together toward the library, to register for the exam.

Oh, yes!  Reading Great Expectations Makes Me SO HOT!

“Now I know why they call him Charles DICK-ens.”

The girls sit down together at the library to “study” some more . . .

If you look closely at this picture, you can tell that all the books they have open are completely blank . . .

It’s not long before Deputy Douchey comes to bug them again.  “Where were you all last night?”  Douchey demands.

“We were all together, studying,” pipes in Dirty Feet Emily, before any of her friends can contradict her.

“Of course, I’m not lying!  What on earth would give you that idea?”

After Deputy Douchey leaves, the girls confront Emily about her little fib.  She gets defensive.  “I’m going to the bathroom, but if you want to come with me, we can all try to squeeze into the same stall together!”  Emily quips.

“I’m serious.  I’d really like to see you girls in my bathroom stall.”

(Speaking of lesbians, was it just me, or was Emily WAY more interesting in this episode, without Snoozy Maya to bring her down?  Just saying . . .)

As soon as Emily leaves, Spencer gets a text from the suddenly way more prolific A.  “It seems like you girls lost Emily.  Who’s next?”  It says, more or less . . .

Emily gets a text from “A” too, hers makes reference to the Charles Dickens’ novel “Great Expectations,” which apparently the girls had read in English class the previous year . . .

First To Kill a Mockingbird, then Catcher in the Rye, then the Adventures of Tom Sawyer, now Great Expectations . . . We get it, ABC Family!   You want us to read the classics.  You can stop shoving old books down our throats, now . . .

Emily quickly finds the book in question, and pulls it from the shelf.  A few passages are highlighted, but we can’t really see what they are.  A letter falls out of the book addressed to Alison from Emily, herself.  Initially, I thought it was a “Love Letter,” but it actually ended up being a “You made out with me, and then rejected my ass.  I hate your guts, you Big Fat Turd” Letter.

Instantly, we flash back to a year earlier.  Emily and the surprisingly well-read Ali are in the library on the floor.  Ali waxes poetic about how beautiful and romantic Great Expectations was (Clearly, she and I didn’t read the same book.)  Then, Emily tells Ali about her dream that Blind Jenna got her sight back and was miraculously able to use a mirror to put on lipstick!

Look!  It’s a DREAM COME TRUE!

Ali then reads Emily some random passage from Great Expectations.  The reading gets them both so hot and bothered, that they start necking.

On to Flashback 2 . . . Now Emily and Ali are in a gym locker room.  Ali babbles on for a bit about how she would love to go to Paris so that she can eat croissants and shop, even though she could probably do both of those things at the mall down the street.  “Do you know any French families looking to house a nice girl from Pennsylvania?”  Ali asks Emily.

“Sure I do, but then who would YOU stay with?”  Emily replies, or at least that’s how she WOULD reply, if she had any backbone at all . . . which she doesn’t.

The picture Ali used in her application to become an exchange student in Paris.

Did I mention that Ali delivered this entire speech COMPLETELY naked?

(It might interest you to know that, unlike the other actresses on this show, most of whom are in their early 20s, Sasha Pieterse, the actress who plays Ali, is just 14-years old.  Skating on some thin ice there, ABC Fam!)

To further slut things up, Ali asks Emily to help her put her bra on, because she can’t do it herself.  (She must have really short arms.)  Emily complies, taking the request as an invitation to start kissing Ali on her lady parts.  “What are you doing?”  Ali seethes.  “I like boys on Tuesdays, Thursdays and Saturdays; Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays I’m a total lezzie!  The only reason I would kiss you would be to practice for the real thing.  Take me home, b&tch!  You’re my ride!”  She says to Emily, more or less.

Hence the . . . “You made out with me, and then rejected my ass.  I hate your guts, you Big Fat Turd” Letter.

Emily gets so caught up pondering her Relationship Baggage, that she fails to notice that someone  has swooped in and taken her ACTUAL baggage.  Oh, did I forget to mention, that Emily was SO determined that people not find the Bad Stuff she took home in her bag the night before, that she  BROUGHT IT ALL TO SCHOOL WITH HER?

So, of course, who stole finds the bag, but THIS GUY . . .

Yes, I have CLOTHED pictures of him.  NO, I DON’T feel like using them . . .

Emily might as well have wrapped her guilt in a bow and handed it to Deputy D-bag (which is why we all know she is innocent, by the way – Emily is clearly not smart enough to be “A.”).  In addition to her muddy sneakers, Douchey presents to her: (1) pieces of the destroyed memorial, found in her bag; (2) the “You made out with me, and then rejected my ass.  I hate your guts, you Big Fat Turd” Letter; and (3) pictures of her sitting at the destroyed memorial around the time the crime purportedly occurred.

A tearful Emily explains to Deputy Douchey and the rest of the Pretty Little Liars that she came to the memorial to apologize to Ali for writing the above-referenced letter, and found the memorial already destroyed.  She took its pieces because they were the only ones still left in tact.  She also FINALLY comes out of the closet to her friends (aside from Hanna, who already knew about it).

But, just when it seems like Douchey may have enough evidence to build a case against Emily for Ali’s murder and/or the destruction of her memorial, who steps in to save the day YET AGAIN, but Spencer’s mom!

“Wait!  Are you sure this isn’t my kid?  Darn!”

Ball Boy Gets Lucky . . . Though Not in the Way Some of You Would Have Hoped . . .

Spencer’s Mom informs Douchey, in no uncertain terms, that he has crossed the line, by attempting to interrogate the Pretty Little Liars (all minors, by the way, without an adult present).  Impressed by her mom’s unusually helpful behavior, Spencer finally confronts her, and asks her what her deal is with Alex.

“I f&cked him.  He supported me during a difficult time,” she explains. 

As it turns out, Spencer’s mom had a lumpectomy, and dealt with it by (1) not telling her family about it; and (2) getting completely wasted at the Country Club.  Alex discretely kept her from suffering alcohol poisoning, and kept his word not to tell anyone about what happened.  In return for his good deeds, Alex is rewarded by getting Spencer’s mother’s blessing to date Spencer.  Spencer is so proud of her new boy toy she practically nails him right in the middle of the school hallway . . .

Part of me was kind of hoping they would start salsa dancing again.  They didn’t.

“If it were ME, I totally would have salsa danced with Spencer at school.  I’m just a spontaneous kind of guy!”

We know, Wren!  Oh boy, do we know!

Like Daughter, Like Mother . . .

“Turns out .  . . EVERYONE wants a piece of the white pasty stick legs!”

Still bummed out over her parent’s separation, and Fitzy’s disappearance, Aria . . .

 . . . tries to cheer herself up by taking part in an impromptu jam session with the guitar slinging (Did he take that thing to the S.A.T’s with him?  Seriously?) Bushy Eyebrows Noel.  He plays.  She sings.  (Some chaperones these kids have that NO ONE with any authority has any idea they are doing this!) 

Once Noel was finished playing, his eyebrows provided an encore performance.

 Like Emily and Ali, and their SUPER SEXY Great Expectations read along, Aria and Bushy Eyebrow Noel get swept up in their karaoke moment, and are about to kiss, when who magically appears?  THIS GUY!

But just when you think the clearly jealous Fitzy is going to fight for the woman he loves . . . he doesn’t.  El Wimpo merely reverts back to his same broken record mantra, of “You’re too young.  This will never work,” all the while, repeatedly telling Aria how much he still loves her.  (Talk about mixed messages!)

At the end of the episode, Aria reluctantly agrees both to go out on a “real date” with Bushy Eyebrows, and try to reconcile things with her mother, who she hasn’t been speaking with since her parents separated two weeks ago . . .

Speaking of Aria’s mother . . .

 . . . girlfriend was putting the moves on her daughter’s boyfriend Fitzy, pretty hard core this week, wasn’t she? 

Granted, she doesn’t KNOW it’s her boyfriend, yet, but still.  “If we were in a plane [in this storm], I’d totally be in your lap right now,” Aria’s Mommy explains seductively, while her and Fitzy search for food, during their tenure chaperoning the S.A.T. That Wasn’t.

“Is that an invitation?”

Aria’s mom also plies Fitzy for information about Aria — information that he doesn’t know, because he has been being a Total D-Bag, and ignoring her for weeks.  Nevertheless, I’m really glad that, ultimately, nothing happened between Fitzy and Mommy Montgomery, because that would just be too weird!

Since when did “faxing” become a euphemism for sex?

You know what else would be weird?  A relationship between Aria’s dad . . .

Note: For purposes of this blog post, please pretend Hilary Swank is not in this picture . . .

 . . . and Hanna’s mom!

It all started (like any good porno would) with a blackout, and Aria’s dad coming to Hanna’s mom’s house to “fax something.”  (Ahem.)  The two flirt in the dark over candles and some wine.  They gripe about loneliness, and the trials and tribulations of “single parenthood.”  They make a date to meet up for dinner that weekend.  And then the lights go on . . .  and nothing happens  . . . thank goodness!  Because these two as a couple?  NOT cute!

And, finally, in Fabulous Hanna and Adorable Lucas News . . .

Lucas continues to sell Hanna’s stuff on EBay all through faux-exam day, eagerly tapping her on the shoulder to spread the good news, whenever one of her items is sold.  The two even have a bit of fun at the expense of Hanna’s RIDICULOUSLY AWFUL “friend” Mona, who, unknowingly BOUGHT one of Hanna’s bags.

Evil Mona sloughs it off.  “I meant to do that,” she explains.

But you can tell she’s defensive about the whole thing, seeing as she immediately remarks snidely on Hanna’s sensitive financial situation (“So, what, you’re poor now?”   She asks.) , as well as her newfound friendship with Lucas.  Evil Mona even goes as far as to tell Lucas to grow something that rhymes with WEENIS!

You don’t hear THAT on ABC Family every day!  Awesome Hanna sticks up for Adorable Lucas against Evil Mona, and Lucas is thrilled.  After the S.A.T’s are canceled and the storm has lifted, so that the students can finally leave the school, Lucas thanks Hanna profusely for her kindness.  “There’s nothing to thank.  We’re friends’ right, Geek?”  She remarks lovingly, before heading out of the school.

The normally unflappable Lucas’s face falls a bit, at the mention of the dreaded “f” word . . .  not that he wasn’t expecting it.  He calls after Hanna, we think, to come clean about his obvious romantic feelings toward her.  However, he ultimately loses his nerve. 

But WAS that what he wanted to say to Hanna, or did he have something else to confess?

In the last shot of the episode, we scroll downward to Lucas’ feet, which, like Emily’s, look like someone took a dump on them, even though he’s been at school FOR HOURS with nothing to do but wash the darn things . . .

Note the SKINNY JEANS!

Could ADORABLE LUCAS have destroyed Ali’s memorial?  After all, he DID admit to hating Ali for teasing him mercilessly, throughout her short life. But did Lucas hate Ali enough to KILL HER?  Could HE be the mysterious “A?”

I guess we will have to tune in to next week’s Season Finale to find out . . .

 [www.juliekushner.com]

 

 

 

 

 

Dead Girls Who Text, Underage Sex, Kind of Perplexed – A First Look at ABC Family’s “Pretty Little Liars”

Yesterday, I wrote a blog entry about the television shows I planned on watching this summer.  My awesome blogging buddy Amy, over at Imaginary Men, suggested I add to my roster ABC Family’s latest attempt at undermining its reputation for being the “Good Little Christian Cable Channel.”  The show, entitled Pretty Little Liars, is based on a young adult novel series of the same name, which was written by Sara Shepard, and produced by Alloy Entertainment (a.k.a. the folks responsible for the Gossip Girl series).

And, boy am I glad I did!  This show is a snarky recapper’s DREAM!

But before I get started with my official recap, let me take a moment to discuss some of the casting decisions for this show . . . particularly the casting of its adults.  Now, on most teen shows, “adults” aren’t generally given all that much to do.  Rather, their limited screen time tends to fall into one of two categories.  There is the: “I’m a sweet, but bland, parent with no discernable personality, who has absolutely no clue about what my kid does everyday” type; and the “I am a raging a-hole parent, with no redeeming qualities, who is totally intent on screwing up my kid’s life” type.  Based on what I’ve seen from the pilot, this show is no exception.

Surprisingly, however, some of the “adults” on this show, were given an impressive amount of speaking lines in the pilot.  And I’m thinking that this anomaly probably can be attributed to who they are.  Ready to feel REALLY OLD, fellow 90’s era TV watchers?  Try this on for size . . .

One of the character’s moms is played by Holly Marie Combs.  You might remember her as Piper, the “smart sensible sister” on the television series Charmed, who also happened to be a bonafide witch.

Her husband on the show is played by Chad Lowe, brother of THIS GUY . . .

(Sorry Rob!  We know you are supposed to be all “respectable” now.  But some of us still remember your sex tape scandal . . .)

As for Chad himself, a few of you might remember him as “Jesse” a.k.a. “the loner kid with the earring, from Life Goes On, who just so happened to have AIDS.”

But more of you probably remember him as the former Mr. Hilary Swank.

This time, let’s try to say NO to drugs, Chad!

Next up is Laura Leighton, who you might recall playing “that crazy slutty b&tch Sydney” from the OLD Melrose Place . . .

 . . . OR “that crazy slutty middle-aged DEAD b&tch” from the NEW (and recently cancelled) Melrose Place.

Oh, and even though she doesn’t technically play a “parent,” I would be remiss not to mention Torrey Devitto, who plays one of the Pretty Little Liars’ obnoxious significantly older sister.  Torrey is perhaps best known for playing Crazy Nanny Carrie on One Tree Hill.

This was the storyline that made me stop watching One Tree Hill.  It was THAT BAD!

She is also the lucky chica rumored to be engaged to THIS GUY . . .

That’s right boys and girls, Crazy Nanny Carrie and Vampire Stefan apparently do the nasty together, on a regular basis.  It’s a good thing vampires can’t have kids, because otherwise, he would DEFINITELY have to hide HIS from her!

Anyway, now that I’ve written virtually an ENTIRE blog entry on the supporting cast of this show, perhaps its time I get on with the actual recap.  So, here goes . . .

It was a DARK and STORMY night!

Bet you thought the above-referenced tired cliche went out of style during your grandma’s time.  NOT SO!  Because that is exactly the setting for our opening scene, which takes place in an old dirty barn, that probably smells like horse poop, in a small town in Pennsylvania, one year ago.  This is where we meet the girls for the first time. 

First up is Aria (Lucy Hale), who we KNOW is supposed to be the “loner bad girl” because she wears black and has (gasp) a pink stripe in her hair.  Then there’s Spencer (Troian Bellisario), who is obviously the “smart girl,” because she wears argyle sweaters.  Third, is Emily (Shay Mitchell), a.k.a the jock.  She’s gotta be the jock, right?   Because what other high school girl would wear SNEAKERS to a dirty barn party!  Finally, there is Hanna (Ashley Benson), who we instantly realize is the “fat dorky girl who is about to become thin and popular” because she wears . . . wait for it . . . baggy t-shirts and hoodies.

The girls are chatting away when they hear A NOISE!

But when they go to investigate, it ends up only being the soon-to-be-dead, Alli (Sasha Pieterse).  At least initially, Alli is provided with very few defining qualities, aside from being kind of mean.  She also has a habit of saying weirdly foreshadowing things that no human being would ever actually utter in real conversation.  Here’s an example: “It’s important to share secrets.  It keeps us close.”  

Yeah, whatever, girlfriend!  Your days are numbered . . .

Later that night, the girls are asleep on the dung covered barn floor (still in their dress clothes and shoes, of course — too poor to buy PJs and slippers, I guess?), when one of them wakes up and realizes that two of them are missing: soon-to-be-dead Alli, and “smart” Spencer.  Spencer comes back, looking really creepy, and says that Alli is GONE! 

And no one suspected this Spencer chick of any wrongdoing, why, exactly?  Oh, that’s right .  . . “smart girls” who wear argyle CAN’T POSSIBLY be killers . . . How foolish of me to forget.

Sex in a Fetid Public Bathroom is HOT!  (But doing it with your teacher is not . . .)

One year later, “bad girl” Aria is back from a year long stint in Iceland . . .  And she’s DIFFERENT!  Apparently, her year in Europe scared that pink stripe right out of her hair.  And now, she doesn’t wear BLACK anymore.  She wears PURPLE!  Clearly, this is a changed woman . . . 

Based on a stilted and awkward “we needed to include this scene, in order to give you information” chat she has with her mother, we also learn that Aria and the other girls drifted apart after the “Alli Incident.”

Speaking of “chats,” when Aria leaves the house, she has a creepy conversation with her dad about promising to keep his “secret.”  And if this wasn’t ABC Family, I’d be really worried about the implications of that awful-sounding statement.  But it is ABC Family . . .  so I’m not terribly concerned.

After dropping her little brother off at Lacrosse practice, Aria heads to a local bar to pick up a cheeseburger.  While there, she meets Ezra (Ian Harding), a recent college grad who just got a teaching job in town.  Ezra has bland, goofy good looks, bad hair, and an ineffectual, almost effeminate, quality about him.  He also “woos” Aria with cheesy lines like, “If you write for yourself, it’s true passion.” 

In short, Ezra is Hugh Grant in every movie he has EVER been in . . .  except Bridget Jones’ Diary.

Not wanting Ezra to know she is jailbait, Aria, without exactly lying, subtly allows Ezra to believe that she is in college.  After chatting for about a minute, these two start boning in a nasty unisex bathroom, right there in the bar.

Way to stay classy, former Goth Girl!

Wouldn’t you have loved to see the exchange that led to this?  Here’s how I think it probably went:

Ezra:  “Hey .  . . I hear the bathroom here is INSANELY CLEAN.  Wanna check it out?”

Aria:  “Actually, I don’t really have to pee.”

Ezra:  (Tries to wink, but can’t, and ends up looking like he is having a seizure.) “Neither do I.”

The next day at school, in a scene that surprised precisely NO ONE, we learn that Ezra is Mr. Fitz (Could the dude HAVE a geekier name?), Aria’s English teacher.  “Brilliant” college grad that he is, Mr. Fitz responds to this revelation by saying “Oh Crap!” 

He does so loudly, and in front of the entire class.  Clearly, this guy WANTS to be arrested for statutory rape.  As if being called out for boning the English teacher wasn’t enough, Aria’s phone rings loudly to inform her she has text message.  (Ever heard of the “vibrate” function, Aria?”)  This is the message she receives . . .

So much for her dad’s “Big Secret.”  Aria instantly suspects the “A” who sent the message is Dead Alli.  (Hmmmmmm, how much do you think texting minutes cost in Heaven?  Because, I’m willing to bet they aren’t cheap . . .)  Through a flashback, we learn that Aria and Alli were running away from a dorky girl at school named Mona, when they came across Aria’s dad making out with one of his young students in his car. 

Speaking of making out with your students, Aria approaches Ezra and tells him she still wants to be his permanent f*ck buddy.  Statutory rape regulations BE DAMNED!  Ezra responds by making this speech about what an amazing girl she is, and how much she means to him.  (Am I missing something?  Because from what I saw, all these two did was make out in a bathroom.  We’re not exactly talking Romeo and Juliet here . . .) 

 Anyway, despite his “undying love” for the youngun, Ezra breaks it off with Aria.  Ever the idealist, Mr. Fitz truly believes that one day he will find an 18-year old, someone who, unlike Aria, he can screw in the potty, without fear of repercussion.  Aria is crushed . . . especially since she probably caught a bad case of hepatitus from that toilet seat . . .

Aw Man!  My Mom Never Screwed a Cop for Me!

Next up on this “Where Are They Now?  Dead Alli Reunion Special” is Hanna, who we find shopping (or rather shoplifting) at the mall with fellow former dork, Mona.  We know that Hanna is thin and popular now, because she wears tight tops, and “mean girl” music plays virtually every time she is on screen.  After flirting with the customer service guy, Hanna quickly exits the mall with an expensive pair of sunglasses she totally didn’t pay for. 

Later, while Hanna and her mom are eating dinner alone together. (Daddy apparently skipped town, probably after watching Mommy “act” in the New Melrose Place.  Can you really blame him?)  Their discussion is interrupted by a visit from the Shoplifting Police. (Oh I’m serious!)  They are here to arrest Hanna for taking those darn sunglasses.

At the police station, while Hanna’s mom is trying to talk her daughter out of trouble, Hanna, like Aria, receives a “mysterious” phone message from the “mysterious A.”

Very clever A!  But I was kind of hoping for a “don’t drop the soap” joke  . . .

Finally, Hanna and her mom are allowed to leave the police station.  While in the car, Bad Mommy tells Hanna how important it is not to do anything to jeopardize her newfound popularity.  She instructs Hanna to deny the shoplifting allegations. 

Later at home, while Hanna is watching TV and eating ice cream, Bad Mommy stumbles in, making out with none other than the Chief of the Shoplifting Police!  The two start going at it, RIGHT IN FRONT OF HANNA!  To make matters worse, Bad Mommy, looks RIGHT AT Hanna, while she is making out with Sheriff D-bag, just before taking him upstairs to bone him.  EWWWWW! 

So, it looks like Laura Leighton will be playing a Crazy Slutty B*tch on this show.  Thank goodness, she doesn’t have to worry about being typecast.

Les-be Friends!

Someone new is moving into Dead Alli’s house.  Apparently, that family is Amish, and doesn’t watch television.  Otherwise, I hope they bought the place dirt cheap.  After all, unsolved disappearance/ murder locations are not exactly top sellers in the real estate market.  When Jock Emily brings a “welcome basket” over to the new neighbors, she meets Maya (Bianca Lawson), a girl around Emily’s age. 

Maya is obviously supposed to be a teenager.  However she looks, talks, and acts, like the star of a gay porno loosely based on that old 70’s movie, Jackie Brown . . .

Everything Maya says to Emily is followed by an exaggerated wink and suggestive nod.  Her dialogue is laced with a series of bad puns and sexual innunedos that would make Samantha from Sex and the City proud.  Here are some of my favorites:

“Oh, I bet your a great swimmer.  You TOTALLY have the body for it.”

“I just really want to get to KNOW you better.”

“I’m corrupting you!”

“Is this your first time?”

Maya conveniently has a picture of her “boyfriend back home” in her bedroom.  But the dude has “beard” written all over him.  They don’t actually show the guy’s face, but I bet if you zoom in, you will find out that it’s someone like THIS GUY . . .

I’m talking about the openly gay Kurt from Glee, in case you missed it . . .

While walking home from school one day, Maya and Emily decide to make out.  Later, at school, Emily gets a letter in her locker from A, who, apparently, blew all her Heaven cell phone minutes, and now needs to resort to more inexpensive methods of communication . . .

My Sister’s Creeper . . .

Back in Uptight Over-Achieving Land, Spencer is basking in the glory of her new cottage, which she decorated herself and plans to move into during her junior year.  Unfortunately for Spencer, Crazy Nanny Carrie her older sister has other plans.  Her and her fiance are waiting for their own place in the city to be finished.  Meanwhile, THEY will be moving into the cottage. 

Crazy Nanny Carrie Spencer’s sister can really care less about what this does to Spencer.  However, her boyfriend, Wren (Julian Morris), is more sympathetic.  We know these two are going to connect, instantly, because they both  share a love of argyle.  It’s a match made in Heaven!  Too bad Crazy Nanny Carrie Big Sis is in the way . . .

If Ezra is Hugh Grant from every movie OTHER THAN Bridget Jones Diary, Wren is Hugh Grant FROM Bridget Jones Diary.

In fact, Ezra and Wren look SO MUCH alike, I almost couldn’t tell them apart.  While his fiance is away, Charming and Cute, But Super Sleazy Wren hits on Spencer shamelessly.  My favorite exchange between them is when they are both in their swimwear, and Spencer pulls out the oldest guy-getting trick in the book, by faking a sudden neck injury.  

Fortunately, Shirtless Ezra has come to the RESCUE!  After all, he is a future med student.  And EVERYBODY knows that sexy pornographic massages are the first thing you learn how to do in medical school . . .

Later, Spencer is up in her room “fantasizing” about Wren, when she gets an e-mail from the highly prolific “A.”

In a flashback, we learn that this isn’t the first time Spencer has made a play for one of her sister’s men.  She also apparently got down and dirty with Crazy Nanny Carrie’s (See, I didn’t even bother crossing it out this time.) last boyfriend, who, interestingly enough, bore a striking resemblance to both Ezra and Wren. 

OK . . . now this is getting weird .  . . Is there some sort of unwritten rule in this town that EVERY guy who lives there HAS to look like a young Hugh Grant?

The Body, The “Jenna Thing,” and the Return of the Shoplifting Police

Toward the end of the pilot, Alli’s body is magically found.  Horrified and frightened, the girls admit to one another, that they have each received messages from A, the Most Chatty Dead Girl Ever!  Later, at Alli’s funeral, the four former friends sit together at the front of the church.  They share looks of horror when JENNA– star of the mysterious “Jenna Thing” the foursome have been ominously referring to throughout the hour — arrives to attend the funeral.

Apparently, Jenna is blind.  How did she become that way?  Did the girls do something to bring about her blindness?  Did she simply watch too many episodes of the New (now cancelled) Melrose Place?  Here’s hoping they don’t cancel this show, before we can find out . . .

After the ceremony, the girls are confronted by none other than the Chief of the Shoplifting Police!  I was about to remark that it is highly inappropriate to discuss contraband designer sunglasses at a FUNERAL.  However, apparently, that wasn’t the reason for the Chief’s visit.  

It seems that when Chiefy is not making out with slutty mommies, or taking teens to the slammer, for failing to pay for chewing gum at the local 7-Eleven, he likes to solve murders!  And he plans on solving Alli’s murder!  Be afraid, girls!  Be very afraid!

So, what did you all think of Pretty Little Liars?  Did anyone actually watch it, besides me?  If so, are you planning to watch it again?  Or was this just a one night stand?

(Pretty Little Liars airs Tuesdays at 8pm on ABC Family.)