Greetings Gleeks! You know, after a few weeks of super angsty Glee installments, it was nice, for a change, to enjoy an hour of television that was all sweetness, light, and underage strippers. 😉
Shall we undress the episode? 😉
The Return of White Chocolate
Explain something to me, Gleeks. Why must the New Directions kids always wait until the last possible minute to choose their competition songs? That’s just irresponsible . . . WILL SCHUESTER.
Anywhoo, at the beginning of “Hold on to Sixteen,” the New Direction kids find themselves both songless, and Rachel-free, with just days to go, before the Main Event . . .
Fortunately, our clever Gleeks have a plan: Let’s go kidnap Trouty Mouth from Kentucky!
“Let me guess . . . you want me to eat the competition?’
I loved the sort of Meta-aspect of the Glee kids deciding that they needed Sam back as their “secret weapon” to win Sectionals, just as the Glee producers decided they needed Sam back, because he’s one of the few characters left that on the show that isn’t playing a graduating senior . . .
He also has great abs . . .
Finn and Rachel take a little road trip down to the place where Sam works, in order to do the recruiting, themselves. (Of course, I’m not quite sure how they figured out where he worked, considering Sam hasn’t told his parents, and, therefore, probably wouldn’t post that information on Facebook, out of fear of getting caught. But I digress.) When Finn and Rachel arrive at the “restaurant,” they see that it’s filled with old ladies, each bearing wads of cash in their fists. Rachel immediately assumes that Sam works at “dinner theater.”
Clearly, Rachel didn’t watch the promo for this week’s episode. And why not? We all know how much grannys love their dinner theater!
Ultimately, Rachel is right. Sam DOES perform dinner theater . . . more or less. It’s just that the “part” he happens to play in said “theater”
is a private one is a stripper named White Chocolate (?), who wiggles his hips at grandmas, until they shove dollar bills down his pants . . .
Rachel asks Finn for a dollar, so that she can join the fun . . . thus proving that it’s not really cheating, as long as money is involved . . .
After getting a good solid glimpse of Sam’s . . . er . . . assets, Finn and Rachel follow him to his dressing room. There he explains that he needs the job to make ends meet. After all, it pays WAY better than the local Dairy Queen, where his parents think he’s working.
Plus, the uniform is much less binding. Rachel and Finn eventually tell Sam that he should come back to McKinley High, and, more importantly, New Directions. (He can stay at Kurt’s and Finn’s house . . . everybody else does!) Sam readily agrees, and takes the pair back home with him, so that he can give his parents the random ridiculous nonsensical fabulous news . . .
Sam’s parents are “The Dad from Smallville” and “Some Blonde Actress I Don’t Recognize.”
Sam basically tells them that the reason he wants to go back to McKinley High, because he misses being a teenager.
Also, he’s tired of having 70 year old ladies, and some men, tug on his jock strap, and try to throw quarters inside. Blonde Actress I Don’t Recognize immediately starts to cry . . . not because she feels guilty about making Sam grow up poor . . . but because, when Sam’s in Ohio, she will miss his Trouty Mouth face . . . you know the one the “local Dairy Queen” always makes him cover with glitter . . .
Mere moments later, Sam is back at McKinley singing an uber appropriate song about alcoholism and underage drinking, called “Red Solo Cup.” (Originally sung by country songster, Toby Keith.)
The rest of the New Directions crew joins in, while pretending to get wasted on Sparkling Cider . . . except for Kurt, who’s always been more of a juice box and sippy cup, kind of guy . . .
You can catch the Ode to Cheap Keg Beer, here, as well as Santana’s Absolutely Brilliant Ode to Trouty Mouth, which follows immediately thereafter.
Girlfriend should seriously consider a career in stand-up . . .
By the way, was I the only one who thought Sam’s “Red Solo Cup” sounded suspiciously similar to Brittany’s “My Cup” song, from last season? (I guess Glee kids really like cups . . .)
Will Schuester, of course, sees nothing at all with his students singing songs about boozing at school. Everybody does it!
Once he’s gotten his friends all thoroughly fake-drunk on cider, Sam informs them that the only way this mostly male group can win Sectionals is basically by ‘shaking what their mama gave them.’ He then proceeds to teach them all his Sripper Moves. Now, don’t get me wrong. I love me some White Chocolate Gyrations as much as the next girl. BUT . . .
. . . they remind me just a bit too much of Sam’s Vanilla “Justin Bieber Moves” from last season . . .
Blaine is NOT FOR SALE, PEOPLE!
My own personal opinions aside, you know who’s TOTALLY NOT down with Sam’s stripper moves? THIS GUY!
Our former Warbler is simply appalled by the notion of using sex to win a Glee club competition! “I am NOT for sale,” he shouts, before stomping off in a huff . . .
We find Blaine in the gym, a few moments later, getting all hot and sweaty with one VERY LUCKY punching bag. Mommy like . . . A LOT!
*casually wipes drool from keyboard*
When Finn comes to visit, Blaine admits that he’s not just mad at Sam for trying to make the Glee club slutty, he’s also mad at Finn, for being a total asshat to him, ever since he transferred to McKinley . . .
ROAR! Angry, Hoodie-wearing, Blaine is the BOMB DIGGITY!
Finn basically agrees with Kurt about the whole “asshat” thing. But hey, he’s only been acting that way because he’s SUPER jealous of Blaine’s hot bod, and mad dancing skills! (Honestly can you blame him?)
This . . .
Versus this . . .
Ultimately, the two put aside their differences, and decide to work together to ensure that New Directions brings home a win at Sectionals. They seal their agreement with a
kiss manly fist pound . . .
(Though, personally, I would have preferred a Gay High Five . . .)
Speaking of Blaine . . .
“You smell like Craigslist.”
Kurt has come face-to-face with his enemy. And that enemy has CW hair . . .
. . . and smells like Craigslist. (Hmm . . . what do you all think Craigslist smells like? I’m thinking dirty socks, with a hint of cheap cologne, intermingled with an old couch covered in cat hair. No offense to Craigslist, of course.)
Kurt is just minding his own business, and having a nice cup of coffee with his boyfriend, when in comes that lobster from The Little Mermaid, Sebastian.
Kudos to Grant Gustin, who’s mastered just the right balance of slimy, stalkerish, and decidedly evil, yet oddly charming and sexy, in his portrayal of Sebastian. I’m already loving to hate him. Sebastian claims he just “happened” to see Blaine getting coffee, and decided to stop by. But there’s something about the way he says it, that makes you think, “I’ve been sitting outside the coffee shop for hours, waiting for you to come.” *insert super villain laugh here*
Blaine must pick up on this. Because immediately becomes super uncomfortable, and escapes to the counter to pick up his Cup O’ Joe. With the mutual object of their affection out of the way, Kurt and Sebastian can drop all pretenses of being civil. This is when things start to get really fun, with Kurt pointedly telling Sebastian he doesn’t like him, and Sebastian returning the favor, by telling Kurt he has a serious case of “Gay Face.”
Something tells me these two are in for a serious, balls to the wall, hair pulling cat fight, in the upcoming weeks. It’s a good thing Blaine took those boxing lessons. After all, he’s probably going to be the one who ends up having to break it up . . .
“It’s not easy looking this good . . .”
Speaking of the always intriguing game of Love Roulette . . .
Sam and his Women . . .
Remember when Sam and Quinn were the BLONDEST COUPLE EVER . . .
Well, apparently, Quinn does too. And she wants another piece of that White Chocolate . . .
in her pants! Unfortunately, Quinnipoo’s recent trip to Crazytown has rendered her temporarily incapable of successfully hitting on men. Instead, she tells Sam he should date her, because he’s “great with kids,” which means he’ll be really good with Beth, after she steals her away from her current mother.
Um, Quinn? I hate to break it to you, but, as far as pickup lines go, that one was about as sexy as syphillis . . .
Sam tries to let her down easy though, by telling her she has “rich white girl problems,” and that she should “hold on to sixteen, as long as [she] can,” like the couple from that song, Jack and Diane. (I smell an Episode Title!) Come to think of it, he didn’t let her down easy at all! That was super harsh . . .
Then again, I guess Tough Love is in order for this self-destructive diva. After all, if she doesn’t change her ways, she will most certainly end up like Charlize Theron’s character in that new movie, Young Adult . . .
I actually kind of see a resemblance . . .
. . . or worse, her character from that old movie, Monster.
However, having been out of town for quite some time, Sam doesn’t really know just how big of a bullet he dodged, by deciding NOT to start dating Quinn again. Instead, it seems the main reason, he rejected the popular blonde, was that he was much more interested in winning back his other ex, the sassy brunette . . .
Ahhh . . . Samcedes . . . the ship that almost was . . . This just so happened to be one of those storylines that was unceremoniously dumped, upon Chord Overstreet’s departure from the show, at the end of last season. However, Sam would have us believe that the sexy summer courtship these two shared was EPIC, with a capital “E.” Mercedes doesn’t seem quite as certain as Sam of their everlasting love . . .
However, she does seem fairly aroused by Sam’s shameless flirting, and no-holds-barred willingness to win her back, despite the fact that Mercedes’ current boyfriend looks like he eats monster trucks for breakfast . . .
“Nom-nom, that freshman tasted goooood.”
My advice to Sam? Wear a helmet . . .
In parental unit news . . .
“This is your path. You must follow it.”
Ahhh . . . Mike Chang . . . sweet, adorable, awesome, Mike Chang. Somehow you have gone from being That Random Dancing Dude to The Guy with the Great Abs . . .
. . . to one of my FAVORITE CHARACTERS ON THIS SHOW . . .
On one hand, when you really think about it, Mike Chang’s storyline in “Hold on to Sixteen” was more or less a Cliff Notes’ reprise of his storyline in “Asian F.” I mean, think about it. You’ve got Mike getting pressure from his father to pursue a career in medicine, while his girlfriend convinces him to follow his dreams, and become a professional dancer. Then, ultimately, upon seeing Mike perform, his dad realizes just how talented his son is, realizes the error of his ways, and agrees to support him in his artistic endeavors.
However, thanks to some tremendous acting on the parts of Harry Shum, Jr., Jenna Ushkowitz, and Keong Sim, who plays Mike’s dad, this recycled storyline was somehow made to seem shiny and new, and even offered up enough heartwarming poignant moments to make me a little teary-eyed . . .
It all started when Mike admitted to his girlfriend that he was planning on applying to medical schools, as opposed to dancing schools, because he wanted his father back in his life. Finding this patently unacceptable, especially given the extent of Mike’s talent and passion for performing, Tina shows herself to have balls of steel, by visiting Mike’s father at his office, knowing full well that the latter does not approve of the pair’s romantic relationship . . .
At first, Mike’s dad seems annoyed at Tina for wasting his time, and has some pretty harsh things to say to her about her own chances at success in the performing world. Douchey Daddy even goes as far as to say that Tina’s parents are deluding her, by supporting her dreams, since she’s pretty much destined to fail. But Tina’s no dummy. She knows exactly how to get through to Mr. Chang. “You’re always talking about honor,” she tells him. “Help your son to honor his gift.”
“I also added in a hint of vampire compulsion.”
Though it’s Tina’s choice words that convince Douchey Daddy to get off his stubborn ass, and watch his son perform at Sectionals. It’s Mike’s talents that ultimately win over the doctor, making him ever-so-slightly less douchey than before . . .
“Son, can you teach me how to Dougie?”
“This is your path. You must follow it,” instructs Obi-wan-Chang, in a “wise man” voice, that would make even Yoda proud . . .
“Strong in you, the force is. Though douchey, you still sometimes are.”
Then we find out, that, even though Mike missed his dance school application deadlines, Tina applied on his behalf.
And they all lived “danc-ily ever after” . . .
Speaking of people who became slightly-less-evil for the sake of their children . . .
Quinn, we’d like to reintroduce you to your Soul. Soul . . . meet Quinn . . . again.
“Ummm . . . Quinn? Boardwalk Empire called. It wants that old ass hat back . . .
Thank the Lord of Dance for ending this RIDICULOUS BABY KNAPPING STORYLINE!!!!
This week, Quinn’s all ready to rat out Shelby for f*&king Puck. (Hey, that rhymes!) So, that the Troubletones can get disqualified from Sectionals, Shelby can be fired, and Quinn can have another shot at adopting back her spawn, Beth . . .
Rachel begs Quinn to reconsider, telling her that she knows what it’s like to do the wrong thing (i.e. fixing the class election), and it feels awful
if you get caught. Well, Rachel, this might be true for YOU. But Quinn’s been doing the Wrong Thing for Two Seasons straight now, and it still hasn’t changed a thing.
But you still get an “A” for effort, Sweetie!
Though Rachel’s words plant the seeds of reform in Quinn’s mind, oddly enough, it’s Shelby that really sends her on the path toward redemption. “You may be young, and pretty now. But, one day, you are going to be a forty year old, who needs to have sex with 18 year olds
who look 30 in order to feel better about yourself. So, you might as well enjoy being a teenager, while you still can,” says Shelby, more or less. (How’s that for a pep talk?)
This discussion ultimately “scares Quinn straight” so to speak. And she decides NOT to rat out Shelby for her temporary lapse into cougardom. She even gets to share her newfound wisdom with her fellow Gleeks. But, more on that later . . . It’s time for SECTIONALS!
Wherein the New Directions Get to Perform Eight Minutes Longer Than Everybody Else . . .
RACHEL: “But that’s not fair!”
KURT: “Shhhh . . . maybe no one will notice.”
It’s time for the main event. The Troubletones versus the New Directions versus . . . a whole bunch of other teams we never get to see, and don’t really care about (with the exception of one that we DO get to see, and STILL don’t care about). Before they head to the auditorium, The Troubletones “graciously” invite the members of New Directions to join them, if and when they win.
Finn finds the offer extremely rude
even though, they ultimately end up making the SAME offer to the Troubletones, at the end of the episode. “No, we’re being nice,” corrected Santana. “It would be rude if I followed you around, and, everytime you took a step, I played a note on the tuba.”
Actually, that would be HILARIOUS . . . (Anyone got a tuba I could borrow?)
Aside from our McKinley based rivals, the only other group we get to hear during the Sectionals competition is the ridiculously named UNITARDS . . .
. . . who are led by, the uber obnoxious Harmony (a.k.a. that OTHER Glee Project winner), who we met, during the season premiere. They preform the song “Buenos Aires” from Evita. And it’s OK . . . I guess . . .
In case you are curious, you can watch the performance here:
The Unitards ultimately end up coming in third place, which, hopefully means, we won’t have to see them again, at least, for another season . . .
Next up are The Troubletones, with a fun little mashup of Gloria Gaynor’s classic wedding ditty “I Will Survive,” and Destiny Child’s Dumped Girl Anthem, “Survivor.” (Apparently, the Glee writers, heard the complaints of us snarky recappers. In a surprise showing of continuity, BOTH the Troubletones and New Directions added in enough random extras to have the twelve-member troupes that were so important to the competition in previous episodes.)
As for this performance, it was sassy, sexy, well-harmonized, and expertly choreographed, basically, everything we’ve come to expect from this all-girl troupe. Yet still, I can’t help but wonder what would have happened if they performed their Adele mashup, from a few weeks prior, instead of this one. Am I the only one who thinks they probably would have won?
Regarding the New Directions, there’s was a three-part tribute to the Jackson family. In a seemingly bold move — especially considering past performances — the tribute allowed EACH member of the club to shine, with his or her own solo . . . as opposed to having one or two Gleeks hog the stage, while the others rocked back and forth in the background . . .
First, Tina, Kurt, and yes, boys and girls, Mike Chang(!) took the lead on the Jackson Five’s peppy, ABC, which was by far my favorite of the three numbers . . .
Next came Finn, Artie, and Puck crooning to Michael Jackson’s own soulful ode to self-discovery, Man in the Mirror . . .
Finally, Quinn and Blaine took over for my last favorite performance of the three to Janet Jackson’s “Control.” In the New Direction’s defense, I’d simply never heard the song before, and didn’t like it very much. They did their best with what they were given, though . . . (And Quinn’s ” taking control,” speech at the beginning was TOTALLY terrifying. So, if that was the point of it, mission accomplished.)
Given that we are only half way through the season, the fact that New Directions ended up winning the competition (with the Troubletones coming in a close second) should be no surprise to you. But still, it was nice to see Quinn, of all people, be the one to finally extend an olive branch to her competitors, by inviting them to rejoin the WINNING team. She even got Rachel to agree to let the girl group perform its own solo number in each successive competition, which should be fun to see . . .
Did I mention that Quinn decided she wants to go to Yale? Yeah, because THAT’S an easy thing to accomplish!
Then again, her whole Baby Napping Storyline should make for a really nifty Ivy League College Application Essay . . .
The episode ends on a super cheery note, with the Glee kids all together at last for a big impromptu finale sing-a-long to the song “We are young.” What I liked best about this number was, not necessarily the performance itself (I mean, there was virtually no choreography at all), but how much fun the Glee kids seemed to be having during it. I mean, these guys genuinely seem to enjoy one another’s company, and chemistry like that is pretty hard to fake. See for yourself . . .
And that’s all she wrote for this week’s episode of Glee. Be sure to tune in next week, for the guaranteed cheese-fest that is the show’s annual holiday-themed episode . . .
I’m sorry. Was that too Grinchy of me? What I mean to say is, be sure to tune in next week for the SUPER EXCITING Christmas installment of Glee . . .
See you then!