Tag Archives: Hold on to 16

Be Young, Have Fun, WIN SECTIONALS – A Recap of Glee’s “Hold on to Sixteen”

Greetings Gleeks!¬† You know, after a few weeks of super angsty Glee installments, it was nice, for a change, to enjoy an hour of television that was all sweetness, light, and underage strippers. ūüėČ

Shall we undress the episode? ūüėČ

The Return of White Chocolate

Explain something to me, Gleeks.¬† Why¬†must the New Directions kids always wait until the last possible minute to choose their competition songs?¬† That’s just irresponsible . . . WILL SCHUESTER.

FOR SHAME!

Anywhoo,¬†at the beginning of “Hold on to¬†Sixteen,” the¬†New Direction kids find¬†themselves¬†both songless, and Rachel-free, with just days to go, before the Main¬†Event¬†. . .

 

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Fortunately, our clever Gleeks have a plan:¬† Let’s go kidnap Trouty Mouth from Kentucky!

“Let me guess . . . you want me to eat the competition?’¬†

I loved the sort of Meta-aspect of the Glee kids deciding that they needed Sam back¬†as their “secret weapon” to win Sectionals, just as the Glee producers decided they needed Sam back, because he’s one of the few characters left that on the show that isn’t playing a graduating senior . . .

He also has great abs . . .  

Finn and Rachel take a little¬†road trip down to the place where Sam works, in order¬†to do the recruiting, themselves.¬† (Of course, I’m not quite sure how they figured out where he worked, considering Sam hasn’t told his parents, and, therefore, probably¬†wouldn’t post that information on Facebook, out of fear of getting caught.¬† But I digress.)¬† When Finn and Rachel arrive at the “restaurant,”¬†they see that it’s filled with old ladies,¬†each bearing¬†wads of cash in their fists.¬† Rachel immediately assumes that Sam works at “dinner theater.”¬†¬†Clearly, Rachel didn’t watch the promo for this week’s episode.¬† And why not?¬† We all know how much¬†grannys love their dinner theater!

Or not? 

Ultimately, Rachel is right.¬† Sam DOES perform dinner theater . . .¬†more or less.¬† It’s just that the “part” he¬†happens to play¬†in said “theater”¬†is a private one¬† is¬†a stripper named¬†White Chocolate (?), who wiggles his hips¬†at grandmas, until they shove dollar bills down his pants . . .

Rachel asks Finn for a dollar, so that she can join the fun . . . thus proving that it’s not really cheating, as long as money is involved . . .

After getting a good solid glimpse of Sam’s¬† . . . er . . . assets, Finn and Rachel follow him to his dressing room. There he explains that he needs the job to make ends meet.¬†¬†After all,¬†it pays WAY better than the local Dairy Queen, where his parents think he’s working.¬† Plus, the uniform is much less binding.¬†

Rachel and Finn eventually tell Sam that he¬†should¬†come back to McKinley¬† High, and, more importantly, New Directions.¬† (He can stay at Kurt’s and Finn’s house . . . everybody else does!)¬† Sam readily agrees, and takes the pair back home with him, so that he can give his parents the random¬† ¬†ridiculous¬† nonsensical¬†fabulous news . . .

Sam’s parents are “The Dad from Smallville” and “Some Blonde Actress I Don’t Recognize.”

Sam basically tells¬†them that the reason he wants to go back to McKinley High, because he misses being a teenager.¬† Also, he’s tired of having 70 year old ladies, and some men,¬†tug¬†on his jock strap, and try to throw quarters inside.¬† Blonde Actress I Don’t Recognize immediately starts to cry . . . not because she feels guilty about making Sam grow up poor . . . but because, when Sam’s in Ohio, she will miss his Trouty Mouth face . . .¬†¬†you know the one¬†the “local Dairy Queen” always makes him cover with glitter . . .

Mere moments later, Sam is back at McKinley singing an uber appropriate song about alcoholism and underage drinking, called “Red Solo Cup.”¬† (Originally sung by country songster, Toby¬†Keith.)

The rest of the New Directions crew joins in, while pretending to get wasted on Sparkling Cider . . . except for Kurt, who’s always been more of a juice box and sippy cup, kind of guy . . .

You can catch the Ode to Cheap Keg Beer, here, as well as Santana’s¬†Absolutely Brilliant¬†Ode to Trouty Mouth, which follows immediately thereafter.

Girlfriend should seriously consider a career in stand-up . . .

By the way, was I the only one who thought Sam’s¬†“Red Solo¬†Cup” sounded suspiciously similar to Brittany’s “My Cup” song, from last season?¬† (I guess Glee kids really like cups . . .)

Will Schuester, of course, sees nothing at all with his students singing songs about boozing at school.  Everybody does it!

Once he’s gotten his friends all thoroughly fake-drunk on cider, Sam informs them that the only¬†way this mostly male group can win Sectionals is basically¬†by ‘shaking what their mama gave them.’¬† He then proceeds to teach them all his Sripper Moves.¬† Now, don’t get me wrong.¬† I love me some White Chocolate Gyrations as much as the next girl.¬† BUT . . .

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¬† . . . they remind me just¬†a bit too much of Sam’s¬†Vanilla¬†“Justin Bieber Moves” from last season . . .

Blaine is NOT FOR SALE, PEOPLE! 

My own personal opinions aside, you know who’s TOTALLY NOT down with¬†Sam’s stripper moves?¬† THIS GUY!

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Our former Warbler is simply appalled by the notion of using sex to win a Glee club competition!¬† “I am NOT for sale,” he shouts, before stomping off in a huff . . .

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We find Blaine in the gym, a few moments later, getting all hot and sweaty with one VERY LUCKY punching bag.  Mommy like . . . A LOT!

*casually wipes drool from keyboard* 

When¬†Finn comes to¬†visit,¬†Blaine admits that he’s not just mad at¬†Sam¬†for trying to make the Glee club slutty, he’s also mad at Finn,¬†for being a total asshat to him, ever since he transferred to McKinley . . .

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ROAR!  Angry, Hoodie-wearing, Blaine is the BOMB DIGGITY! 

Finn¬†basically agrees with Kurt about the whole “asshat” thing.¬† But hey, he’s only been acting that way because¬†he’s SUPER jealous of Blaine’s hot bod, and mad dancing skills!¬† (Honestly can you blame him?)

This . . .

Versus this . . .

Ultimately, the two put aside their differences, and decide to work together to ensure that New Directions brings home a win at Sectionals.  They seal their agreement with a kiss  manly fist pound . . .

(Though, personally, I would have preferred a Gay High Five . . .)

Speaking of Blaine . . .

“You smell like Craigslist.”

Kurt has come face-to-face with his enemy.  And that enemy has CW hair . . .

. . . ¬†and smells like Craigslist.¬† (Hmm . . . what do you all think Craigslist smells like?¬† I’m thinking dirty socks, with a hint of cheap cologne,¬†intermingled with an old couch covered in cat hair. No offense to Craigslist, of course.)

Kurt is just minding his own business, and having a nice cup of coffee with his boyfriend, when in comes that lobster from The Little Mermaid, Sebastian.

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Kudos to Grant Gustin, who’s mastered just the¬†right balance¬†of slimy, stalkerish, ¬†and¬†decidedly¬†evil, yet oddly charming and sexy, in his portrayal of Sebastian.¬† I’m already loving to hate him.¬† Sebastian claims he just “happened” to see Blaine getting coffee, and decided to stop by.¬† But there’s something about the way he says it, that makes you think, “I’ve been sitting outside the coffee shop for hours, waiting for you to come.”¬†¬† *insert super villain laugh here*

Blaine must¬†pick up on this.¬† Because immediately¬†becomes super uncomfortable, and escapes to the counter to pick¬†up his¬†Cup O’ Joe.¬† With the mutual object of their affection out of the way, Kurt and Sebastian can drop all pretenses of being civil.¬† This is when things start to get really¬†fun, with¬†Kurt pointedly telling¬†Sebastian he doesn’t like him, and¬†Sebastian returning the favor, by telling Kurt he has a serious case of¬†“Gay Face.”

¬†Something tells me these two are in for a serious, balls to the wall, hair pulling cat fight, in the upcoming weeks.¬† It’s a good thing Blaine took those boxing lessons.¬† After all, he’s probably going to be the one who ends up having to break it up .¬† . .

“It’s not easy looking this good . . .”¬†

Speaking of the always intriguing game of Love Roulette .  . .

Sam and his Women  . . .

Remember when Sam and Quinn were the BLONDEST COUPLE EVER  . . .

Well, apparently, Quinn does too.¬† And she wants another piece of that¬†White Chocolate . . . in her pants!¬† Unfortunately, Quinnipoo’s recent trip to Crazytown has rendered her temporarily incapable of successfully hitting on men.¬† Instead, she tells Sam he should date her, because he’s “great with kids,” which means he’ll be really good with Beth, after she steals her away from her current mother.

 Um, Quinn?  I hate to break it to you, but, as far as pickup lines go, that one was about as sexy as syphillis . . .

Sam tries to let her down easy though, by telling her she has “rich white girl problems,” and that she should “hold on to sixteen, as long as [she] can,” like the couple from that song,¬†Jack and¬†Diane.¬† (I smell an Episode Title!)¬† Come to think of it, he didn’t let her down easy at all!¬† That was super harsh . . .

Then again, I guess Tough Love is in order for this¬†self-destructive diva.¬† After all,¬†if she doesn’t change her ways, she will most certainly end up like Charlize Theron’s character in that new movie,¬†Young Adult¬†. . .¬†

I actually kind of see a resemblance . . .

 . . . or worse, her character from that old movie, Monster.

However, having been out of town for¬† quite some time, Sam doesn’t really know just how big of a bullet he dodged, by deciding NOT to start dating Quinn again.¬† Instead, it seems the main reason, he rejected the popular blonde, was that he was much more interested in winning back his other ex, the sassy brunette . . .

Ahhh . . .¬†Samcedes . . . the ship that almost was . . .¬† This¬†just so happened to be one of those storylines that was unceremoniously dumped, upon Chord¬†Overstreet’s¬†departure from the show, at the end¬†of last season.¬† However,¬†Sam would have us believe that the sexy summer courtship these two shared was EPIC, with a capital “E.”¬† Mercedes doesn’t seem quite as certain¬†as Sam of their everlasting love . . .

However, she does seem fairly aroused by¬†Sam’s shameless flirting, and no-holds-barred willingness to win her back,¬† despite the¬†fact that Mercedes’ current boyfriend looks like he eats monster trucks for breakfast . . .

“Nom-nom, that freshman tasted goooood.”

My advice to Sam?  Wear a helmet . . .

In parental unit news . . .

“This is your path.¬† You must follow it.”

Ahhh  . . . Mike Chang . . . sweet, adorable, awesome, Mike Chang.  Somehow you have gone from being That Random Dancing Dude to The Guy with the Great Abs . . .

. . . to one of my FAVORITE CHARACTERS ON THIS SHOW . . .

On one hand, when you really think about it, Mike Chang’s storyline in “Hold on to Sixteen” was more or less a Cliff Notes’ reprise of his storyline in “Asian F.”¬† I mean, think about it.¬† You’ve got Mike getting pressure from his father to pursue a career in medicine, while his girlfriend convinces him to follow his dreams, and become a professional dancer.¬† Then, ultimately, upon seeing Mike perform, his dad realizes just how talented his son is, realizes the error of his ways, and agrees to support him in his artistic endeavors.

However, thanks to some tremendous acting on the parts of Harry Shum, Jr., Jenna Ushkowitz, and Keong Sim, who plays Mike’s dad, this recycled storyline was somehow made to seem shiny and new, and even offered up enough heartwarming poignant moments to make me a¬†little teary-eyed . . .

It all started when¬†Mike admitted to his girlfriend that he was planning on applying to medical schools, as opposed to dancing schools, because he wanted his father back in his life.¬† Finding this patently unacceptable, especially given the extent of Mike’s talent and passion for performing, Tina shows herself to have balls of steel, by visiting Mike’s father at his office, knowing full well that the latter does not approve of the pair’s romantic relationship¬† .¬† . .

At first,¬†Mike’s dad seems annoyed at¬†Tina for wasting his time, and has some pretty harsh things to say to her about her¬†own chances¬†at success in the performing world.¬† Douchey Daddy even goes as far as to say that Tina’s parents are deluding her, by supporting her dreams, since she’s pretty much destined to fail.¬† But Tina’s no dummy.¬† She knows exactly how to get through to Mr. Chang.¬† “You’re always talking about honor,” she tells him.¬† “Help your son to honor his gift.”

“I also¬†added in a hint of vampire compulsion.”

Though it’s Tina’s choice words that convince¬†Douchey Daddy to get off his stubborn ass,¬† and watch his son perform at Sectionals.¬† It’s Mike’s talents that ultimately win¬†over the doctor, making him¬†ever-so-slightly less douchey than before . . .

“Son, can you teach me how to Dougie?”¬†

“This is your path.¬† You must follow it,” instructs Obi-wan-Chang, in a “wise man” voice, that would make even Yoda proud . . .

“Strong in you, the force is.¬† Though douchey, you still sometimes are.”¬†

Then we find out, that, even though Mike missed his dance school application deadlines, Tina applied on his behalf.

And they all lived “danc-ily ever¬†after”¬† . . .

Speaking of people who became slightly-less-evil for the sake of their children . . .

Quinn, we’d like to reintroduce you to your Soul.¬† Soul . . . meet Quinn . . . again.

“Ummm . . . Quinn?¬† Boardwalk Empire called.¬† It wants¬†that old ass¬†hat back . . .¬†

Thank the Lord of Dance for ending this RIDICULOUS BABY KNAPPING STORYLINE!!!!

This week, Quinn’s all ready to rat out Shelby for f*&king Puck.¬† (Hey, that rhymes!)¬† So, that the Troubletones can get disqualified from Sectionals, Shelby can be fired, and Quinn can have another shot at adopting back her spawn, Beth . . .

Rachel begs Quinn to reconsider, telling her that she knows what it’s like to do the wrong thing¬†(i.e. fixing the class election), and it feels awful¬†if you get caught.¬†¬† Well, Rachel, this might be true for YOU.¬† But Quinn’s been doing the Wrong Thing for Two Seasons straight now, and it still hasn’t changed a thing.

But you still get an “A” for effort,¬†Sweetie!¬†

Though Rachel’s words plant the seeds of reform in Quinn’s mind, oddly enough, it’s Shelby that really sends her on the path toward redemption.¬† “You may be young, and pretty now.¬† But, one day, you are going to be a forty year old, who needs to have sex with 18 year olds who look 30 in order to feel better about yourself.¬† So, you might as well enjoy being a teenager, while you still can,” says Shelby, more or less.¬† (How’s that for a pep talk?)

This discussion ultimately “scares Quinn¬†¬†straight” so to speak.¬† And she decides NOT to rat out Shelby for her temporary lapse into cougardom.¬† She¬†even gets to¬†share her newfound wisdom with her fellow Gleeks.¬† But, more on that later . . .¬† It’s time for SECTIONALS!

Wherein the New Directions Get to Perform Eight Minutes Longer Than Everybody Else . . .

RACHEL: “But that’s not¬†fair!”

KURT: “Shhhh . . . maybe no one will notice.”

It’s time for the main event.¬† The¬†Troubletones versus the New Directions versus . . . a whole bunch of other teams we never get to see, and don’t really care about (with the exception of one that we¬†DO get to see, and¬†STILL don’t care about).¬† Before they head to the auditorium,¬†The Troubletones “graciously” invite¬†the members of New Directions¬†to join them, if and when they win.

Finn finds the offer extremely¬†rude even though, they ultimately end up making the SAME offer to the Troubletones, at the end of the episode.¬† “No, we’re being nice,” corrected¬†Santana.¬† “It would be rude if I followed you around, and, everytime you took a step, I played a note on the tuba.”

Actually, that would be HILARIOUS . . . (Anyone got a tuba I could borrow?)

Aside from our McKinley based rivals, the only other group we get to hear during the Sectionals competition is the ridiculously named UNITARDS . . .

.¬† . . who are led by, the uber obnoxious Harmony (a.k.a. that OTHER Glee Project winner), who we met, during the season premiere.¬† They preform the song “Buenos Aires” from Evita.¬† And it’s OK . . . I guess .¬† . .

In case you are curious, you can watch the performance here:

The Unitards ultimately end up coming¬†in third place, which, hopefully means, we won’t have to see them again, at least, for another season . . .

Next up are The Troubletones, with¬†a fun little¬† mashup of¬†Gloria Gaynor’s classic wedding ditty “I Will Survive,” and Destiny Child’s Dumped Girl Anthem, “Survivor.”¬† (Apparently, the Glee writers, heard the complaints of us snarky recappers.¬† In a surprise showing of continuity, BOTH the Troubletones and New Directions added in enough random extras to have the twelve-member troupes that were so important to the competition in previous episodes.)

As for this performance, it was sassy, sexy, well-harmonized, and expertly¬†choreographed, basically,¬†everything we’ve come to expect from this all-girl troupe.¬†¬†Yet still, I can’t help but wonder¬†what would have happened if they performed their Adele mashup, from a few weeks prior, instead of this one.¬†¬† Am I the only one who thinks they probably would have won?

Regarding the New Directions, there’s was a three-part tribute to the Jackson¬†family.¬†¬†In¬†a seemingly bold move —¬†especially considering past performances —¬†the tribute allowed¬†EACH member of the club to shine, with his or her own solo . . . ¬†as opposed to having one or two Gleeks hog the stage, while the others rocked back and forth in the background . . .

*clears throat*

First,¬†Tina, Kurt, and yes, boys and girls,¬†Mike Chang(!) took the lead on the Jackson Five’s peppy, ABC,¬†which was by far my favorite of the three numbers . . .

Next came Finn, Artie, and Puck¬†crooning to¬†Michael Jackson’s own soulful ode to self-discovery, Man in the Mirror . . .

Finally, Quinn¬†and¬†Blaine¬†took over for my last favorite¬†performance¬†of the three to Janet Jackson’s “Control.”¬† In the New Direction’s defense, I’d simply never heard the song before, and didn’t like it very much.¬† They did their best with what they were given, though . . .¬† (And Quinn’s ” taking control,” speech at the beginning was TOTALLY terrifying.¬† So, if that was the point of it, mission accomplished.)

Given that we are only half way through the season, the fact that New Directions ended up winning the competition (with the Troubletones coming in a close second) should be no surprise to you.  But still, it was nice to see Quinn, of all people, be the one to finally extend an olive branch to her competitors, by inviting them to rejoin the WINNING team.  She even got Rachel to agree to let the girl group perform its own solo number in each successive competition, which should be fun to see . . .

Did¬†I mention that Quinn decided she wants to go to¬†Yale?¬† Yeah, because THAT’S an easy thing to accomplish!

Then again, her whole Baby Napping Storyline should make for a really nifty Ivy League College Application Essay . . .

The episode ends on a super¬†cheery note, with the¬†Glee kids all together at last for a big impromptu finale¬†sing-a-long to the song “We are young.”¬† What I liked best about this number was, not necessarily the performance itself (I mean,¬†there was virtually no choreography at all), but how much fun the Glee kids seemed to be having during it.¬† I mean, these guys genuinely seem to enjoy one another’s company, and chemistry like that is pretty hard to fake.¬† See for yourself . . .

And that’s all she wrote for this week’s episode of Glee.¬†¬† Be sure to tune in next week, for the guaranteed cheese-fest that is the show’s annual holiday-themed episode . . .

I’m sorry.¬†¬†Was that too Grinchy of me?¬† What I mean to say is, be sure to tune in next week for the SUPER EXCITING¬†Christmas installment of Glee . . .

See you then!

[www.juliekushner.com][Fangirls Forever]

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Nice Knowing Ya’ CLOSET! – A Recap of Glee’s “I Kissed a Girl”

Greetings Gleeks!¬† You know one of the benefits of writing a late Gleecap, as I’m often inclined to do, is having the hindsight of having already read a few message boards on the subject.¬† And boy, did this episode make a whole lot of people angry, for a variety of reasons . . .

Some of you were put off by how the writers handled Finn’s outing of Santana.

Others were frustrated by the sheer lack of Brittana, throughout the hour, thereby making the title of this episode, somewhat of a misnomer . . . if you catch my drift.

Still others of you were annoyed at how the episode brushed off Santana’s actual coming out to her parents.

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And, finally, a whole boatload of you were TOTALLY GROSSED out by the Puck / Quinn / Shelby storyline.

But, hey, at least it’s not half as bad as Puck’s storylines with that Lauren Zizes chick.¬† Right?¬† RIGHT??

Who knew a show about singing and dancing high schoolers could be so divisive?¬† Let’s Gleecap, shall we?

The Slap Heard Round the World School

Last week’s Gleeky installment ended with Santana (or, according¬†to her, her alter ego, “Snicks”)¬†clocking Finn (a.k.a. Fetus Face, a.k.a. Hamburglar) in the face for inadvertently outing her to all of Lima, Ohio.

I know I posted it before, but it bears repeating . . . ūüėȬ†

This week, Santana’s facing down suspension,¬†not to mention¬†a big fat “NO” to competing in Sectionals.¬† Finn shocks his erstwhile nemesis by claiming the entire slapping debacle to be nothing more than a little impromptu acting.

Apparently, Finn is a much better actor than he is a dancer  . . .

“It was fake.¬† HAHA!¬† Just kidding!¬† LOL and such!” He says, though his face currently bears a big red handprint on it, with the words “Santana was here, B*TCHES,” written in a mixture blood and lipstick across his cheek.”¬† (Not really . . . but there should have been.)

No one’s more shocked by this than Santana, herself.¬† So, she¬†confronts Finn outside the principal’s office to slap him again, only this time in the ass find out what sort of evil plan he has up his sleeve.¬† Now, here’s where things got a bit messy in the Glee fandom . . .

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Finn says a whole lot of pretty schmoopy stuff to Santana, about why he’s so intent on helping her more fully¬†“de-closet herself.”¬† He says SO MUCH schmoopy stuff in fact, that part of me kept waiting for the DRAMATIC BUT SAD violin to provide backup music for his speech.

Unfortunately, Violin is still in the closet, but only because no one has outed her yet.  Finn?

He tells her she’s awesome . . .¬†and that by¬†hiding her Gay, she’s hiding some of her awesomeness, right along with it.¬† It also makes her act like a bit of a tool.¬† Finn also claims that he cares about Santana deeply, since her’s was the first bun to accept his hot dog . . .

Finally,¬† he claims he doesn’t want her to¬†kill herself, like the kid he recently read about in the news.¬† But through all these sweet,¬† if slightly patronizing, words, Finn fails to say the one thing Santana fans really want to hear: I’M SORRY I OUTED YOU, BEFORE YOU WERE READY TO COME OUT ON YOUR OWN.

DOH! 

Because, the fact remains that the REAL reason Santana has to come out of the closet now is because Finn THREW her out of it, albeit inadvertently so.¬† Therefore, whether Finn believes that Santana SHOULD come out of the closet,¬† is really¬†beside the point.¬†¬†By not apologizing to Santana for what he did, it could be argued that Finn feels justified in outing her, simply because the ends satisfy the means.¬† If this wasn’t the writers’ intention, they probably should have shown a bit less Preachy McPreacherson, and a bit more remorse, from our male lead .¬† . .

Going Girly . . .

The next step in Finn’s Let’s Blow Up Santana’s Closet plan is to have both the New Directions kids and the Troubletones sing what he terms “Lady Music,” i.e. songs by girls, about girls.¬† Finn hopes that this will show Santana just how much support she has from her Glee social circle.

First up to sing are Kurt and Blaine, who launch into a slightly subdued version of Pink’s “Perfect.”¬† It was a sweet rendition.¬† Though, I must admit, I found myself a bit distracted during it by Kurt’s bizarre HALF sweater.

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Specifically, I couldn’t help but wonder whether Blaine might have ripped the other half off of him, during . . . ahem . . . rehearsal.

Then, of course, there was Santana’s reaction . . .

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Awww, Santana!  Kurt SACRIFICED A HIDEOUSLY UGLY SWEATER for YOU!  Show some respect!

You can check out the entire performance of “Perfect” here:

Meanwhile . . .

Puck Gets Lucky . . .

Puck’s Lady Song is “I’m the Only One,” by Melissa Etheridge.¬† Like many of Puck’s solos,¬† this song is well-suited for the character’s gravelly sex voice, preference for guitar accompaniment, sheer love of repeated¬†pelvis grinding, and overwhelming desire to dedicate whatever song he sings to his current love interest / conquest.¬† Everytime I watch Puck do one of these songs, I worry that he might impregnate me¬†through the television screen . . .

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As many of you know, I’m a HUGE Puck fan.¬† So, of course, I enjoyed this performance.¬† I did have two complaints, however.¬† (1) Puck’s shameless eyef*cking of Shelby came across as a bit creepy to me .¬† . . I’m not quite sure why.

(2) At some point, during the past two weeks, Puck’s Mohawk seems to have morphed into a furry woodland creature, named Spanks.

Keeping a  furry woodland creature on your head, during the act of eyesex constitutes animal cruelty, in my book . . .

Animal cruelty aside, Shelby calls Puck during school, when Baby Beth falls and cuts her lip open.  Puck successfully takes charge of the situation.  And, as a reward, wins SEX.  HOORAY!

How convenient of Shelby to wait until Puck had already “helped her” in more ways than one, to decide, “this is immoral .¬† . . We can’t do this.”¬† On second thought, maybe what Shelby did was kind.¬† After all, at least Puck won’t have to worry about these .¬† . .

 . . . unlike, say, somebody else  we know at McKinley High who has to wear them ALL THE TIME .  . .

Prior to this, Quinn had, more or less, offered Puck “sure thing sex.”¬† But Puck, shockingly enough, turned her down because . . .¬† well, because she’s been a wackadoo, baby stealing, ASSHAT, for pretty much, this entire season¬† .¬† . . THAT’S WHY.¬† Actually, I believe his words were, “I’d rather raw dog a beehive.”¬† Now, THAT’S something I’d like to see . . .

All that¬†aside, since he’s a 29 year old¬† teenager with Super Sex Stamina, who still has a few rounds left in him, after his one-time romp with Rachel’s bio mom (ICK!), after being rejected by Shelby, Quackers Quinn starts to look pretty darn tasty . . .

“Try no to be too alarmed, if I yell¬†out the name “Shelby”¬†during our Big Moment . . . um . . . it’s my dog’s¬†name.¬† Yeah, that’s it!”¬†

Hate Sex is hot, isn’t it?¬† Unless, of course, you lack a condom, and your sperm have already shown themselves to be expert swimmers . . .

“Not to worry,” says Quinn (more or less), “teen pregnancy is awesome.¬† And I would know .¬† . .”

Apparently, Quinn has given up the notion of stealing Beth from Shelby, because .¬† . . wait for it . . . she’s decided to make another Baby.

Seriously?   Someone get this girl a strait-jacket, PLEASE!

¬†Fortunately, for Quinn (and us), Puck doesn’t want to play these baby-making games.¬† He tells her how lost she’s become, since her first baby.¬† And yet he knows, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that she will safely escape the HELL that is Lima, and go on to do something great with her life like marry a billionaire and/or make a famous sex tape that earns her a reality TV show, and millions of dollars in endorsements.¬† Clearly, this is precisely what Quinn needed to hear.¬† And, for about two seconds, all seems good with the world.

So, why then, did Puck feel the need to poop on all that progress,  by confessing his affair with Shelby to Quinn.

Personally, I think Spanks made him do it.  DAMN YOU, SPANKS!

Elsewhere, in SueTown . . .

Everybody Loves Cooter . . .

“Why would someone assume I’m a friend of Ellen just because I’m mannish and highly aggressive and have short hair and I only wear track suits and I coach a girl’s sport and I married myself? It just doesn’t make sense.” Sue writes in her faithful diary, during one of the funniest bits of dialogue, in the entire episode . . .

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Did you know Sue has a Black Booty Call book, that’s annotated with helpful reminders of certain celebrities’ prowess between the sheets?¬† Personally, I’m hoping Fox decides to sell this one on Ebay.¬† Surely, many of us¬†fellow star-screwers¬†can benefit from knowing that Dan Quayle is “too needy,” Matt Lauer is “a crier,” and Oliver North is “a biter.”

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Of course, for the present, Sue only has one man in mind to help her combat gay rumors, and win the congressional election.¬† And that man’s name start’s with a “C” and is a derogatory name for a woman’s body part.¬† (NO!¬† Not THAT name . . . the other one . . . Callalily.¬† (Just kidding.¬† It’s Cooter.)

“But wait!”¬† You say.¬† “Unacceptable!¬† He belongs to the Beiste!”

Well, that’s what she thought too . . . until she was picking up her usual chickeny dinner (I thought Breadsticks delivered?) . . . and ran into the Old Coot on a date with a certain Congressional Candidate.¬† Poor Beiste is devastated.¬† And, what’s worse, Cooter admits that he’s dating Sue, because Beiste isn’t .¬† . . um . . . curing his Man Pain.¬† Yep, apparently someone on this show still hasn’t cashed in that shiny V card.¬† Unfortunately, for Beiste, night time weightlifting sessions (NOT a euphemism for sex), do not equal a “romantic relationship,” as far as Cooter is concerned.

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It looks like SOMEONE has just been punted into the dreaded Friend Zone.¬† I smell a solo song number.¬† Don’t you?

I hereby present to you “Jolene.”

Ultimately,  Sue ends up losing the Congressional Election to Burt Hummel.   But will she lose her Cooter to the Turducken loving Beiste, who has decided to battle for his love, one chicken breast at a time?  Only the writers know for sure . . .

I’m Coming Out (I Want the World to Know)

Finn’s tribute to Santana is a slow, sultry, and oddly poignant version of Cyndi Lauper’s “Girls Just Want to Have Fun.”¬† It came as a pleasant surprise for me, because I’m not usually a huge fan of Finn’s voice.¬† I also always tend to prefer Glee songs that offer a unique take on an already popular song, as opposed to merely covering it, karaoke style.¬† So, this really worked for me.¬† Santana must have felt the same way, since her¬†the iceberg around her heart melted enough by the end of the performance, to offer Finn both a hug and heartfelt thanks.

All together now . . . “Awwwww.”

You can catch the performance, in it’s entirety, here:

Outside by the lockers, some douchebag leers at Santana, and decides to make her his “personal challenge.”¬† This prompts the rest of the Glee girls, to systematically rip him a new one, in a show of sisterly solidarity.¬† Then, back to the Glee room they go, to perform YET ANOTHER Katy Perry song.¬† This time it’s the titular “I Kissed the Girl.”¬† And while none of the girls actually kiss during¬†it, there is¬†a whole lot of ass grabbing . . . You know, if you’re into that sort of thing . . .

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Check it out . . .

We never get to see Santana actually come out to her parents, though we are told that they are “fine with it.”¬† Wait . . . what?¬† I thought that¬†seeing Santana come out to her parents and make out with Brittany¬†was supposed to be the WHOLE POINT OF THIS EPISODE?

Santana did come out to her grandma, though . . .¬†That didn’t go so well . . .¬† “I want you to know me . . . who I really am,” Santana says to this woman, who she’s loved dearly and admired her entire life.

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So, of course that evil wench has to go, and squash her heart like a bug . . .

How dare Santana make her asshat grandma uncomfortable, by telling her what’s in her heart?¬† She should have kept it a secret, and maintained the lie of their relationship . .¬†. that would be MUCH better.¬† It’s interesting (and sad)¬†how Grandma seems more willing to accept that her daughter might be pregnant, while still in high school, than gay.¬† Eventually, Grandma kicks a tearful Santana out of her house, and tells her never to return.

Then, as soon as Santana leaves, the Glee fandom knocks down the old lady’s door, and proceeds to beat the crap out of her homophobic ass.¬† Good times! ūüôā

Santana returns to school the next day, subdued, but determined to keep on fighting for her own happiness.¬† She sings k.d. lang’s “Constant Craving,” while Puck and Shelby stare moodily at one another, and Crazy Quinn plots the teacher’s untimely death.¬† Other than that awkwardness,¬†the performance serves as¬†a poignant finale to the journey¬†Santana underwent, during the episode . . .

In other news . . .

When Stuffing a Ballot Box, Don’t Forget to¬†Count the Ballots . . .

Sue wasn’t the only person to lose an election this week, Kurt lost one too . . . but for lack of cheating trying.¬† It’s student election time at McKinley and Kurt is convinced that he is going to lose to Brittany, because, unlike her,¬†he refuses to go topless on Tuesdays.¬† (Can we get Blaine to go topless on Tuesday’s instead?¬†¬† Or Puck,¬† for that matter?)

Convinced that an election loss will kill his chances of getting into NYATA college, Kurt contemplates stuffing the ballot box.¬†¬† But Rachel, Blaine and Finn convince him to “be good.”¬†The ballots are secret, but, the benefit of this being a TV show is that we get to see who everyone votes for.¬† Santana and Quinn show Cheerios spirit (and a little Lebanese¬†Lady Love, respectively)¬†by voting for their Britt . . .

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 . . . while most of the other Gleeks seem to support Kurt.

However, when Kurt ends up winning the election by 190 more votes than there are actually STUDENTS IN THE SCHOOL, Principal Figgins cries foul.¬†¬† This is the worst election scandal since Bush v. Gore!¬† Kurt is called in for questioning, and threatened with suspension.¬† There’s only one problem .¬† . . he didn’t do it.

You know who did?¬†¬† Rachel . . . . you know, because she needs her Gay Best Friend for college nights on the town, and stuff.¬† (Who doesn’t?)

Of course, Brittany ends up winning the election, fair and square.¬†¬† (HOORAY for¬†Pixie Sticks and Public Nudity!)¬† Kurt concedes graciously,¬† telling Brittany to “rule awesomely,” even though he’s quite certain now that he won’t get into college now, and will be forced to spend the rest of his life in Lima,¬† singing oldies songs¬†for tips at the local Johnny Rockets . . .

And here’s the kicker . . . Rachel might not get into NYATA now either.¬† Her election rigging is going on her permanent record.¬† She’s suspended from school for a week, and . . . wait for it . . . she’s BANNED FROM COMPETING IN SECTIONALS!!

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This is terrible.  The New Directions are probably going to have to have that little leprechaun kid do all the solos now . . .

Next week on Glee, SHIRTLESS SAM is back, and . . .

Yeah, I missed everything else, after I saw that.¬† It’s a girl thing.¬† What can I tell you?¬† Anywhoo, feel free to check out the trailer for next week’s Glee¬†installment, entitled “Hold on¬†to Sixteen”¬†here:

So . . . tell¬†me . . . what did you think of “I Kissed a Girl?” ūüėČ

Until next time, Gleeks . . .

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