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Game of Thrones: Please, Don’t Eat the Help! ( Recap S 6: Ep 2)

dragon meeting

This week on Game of Thrones, Jon Snow LIVES! Roose Bolton DIES! Tyrion doesn’t get eaten by dragons. And Hodor expands his vocabulary, sort of. One of the benefits of posting a late recap, is I can spoil big plot points right off the bat, while only feeling mildly guilty about doing it.

So, let’s do it, Westeros!

[A very special shout-out and thanks to my spectacular screencap provider / friend Andre. He alone has the power to make Jon Snow’s naked corpse-like torso shine like the top of the Chrysler Building!]

Bran-Tastic!

warg

Bran’s back, you guys!

cersei eye roll

Wait! Don’t leave! It’s a good storyline, this time, I promise . . . well, I mean, it’s a slightly better storyline than the Uber Depressing, Nature Walks with the Permanently Disabled of seasons past!

So, Bran’s doing that thing he does, where his eyes get all milky, and he gets to see stuff through the mind of a bird, or a wolf, or a blade of grass or something. This time, he gets to be a flesh and blood real boy! Oh Pinocchio would be so proud!

with legs

Bran Stark . . . now with even more usable legs!

Bran’s LSD tripping travels this week take him back to his father’s childhood at Winterfell. Bran’s uncle is there! Also, Bran’s sassy dead aunt on his dad’s side, Lyanna (. . . not to be confused with his creepy dead aunt on his mom’s side, Lysa, who breast fed her kid until he was like 20, loved Littlefinger and got thrown to her death from something called a “moon door). P.S. Start using different letters than “L” and “M” to name your second-tier female characters, George R.R. Martin!

sassy

dying lysa

But Bran’s real find on his Virtual Reality for the Middle Ages journey is a then-fully communicative young Hodor. What happened to him to make him lose all his words? Did he fall off a very high horse and hit his head really hard? Did he experience something so traumatic that it robbed him of his capacity for speech? Did he watch the scenes of Groot from Guardians of the Galaxy one too many times?

hdoo

hodor

The world may never know . . . or at least they won’t find out this week.

Fun-Fun with Wun-Wun

So, do you remember that scene from last season, when the Wildings are battling the White Walkers, and a real scary looking one latches itself onto the Giant, Wun-Wun’s neck, and Wun-Wun swats it off its body, like it’s nothing more than a pesky fly? Now, imagine what a guy like that could do with a troop of wimpy, non-magical power having, Jon Snow murdering, cowardly traitors?

wun-wun

For those of you (like me), who’ve been wondering how long it would be for Jon Snow’s allies, Davos and Edd, to seek the help of the Wildings in avenging the “death” of Jon Snow, you all got your wish this week! Just when it seems like Team #Dead Jon Snow (including Ghost) is a total goner, holed up in a small room with limited weapons and manpower, as Thorne’s Knights Watchmen gradually bash down the door that’s keeping them protected, in walk the Wildings, led by Wun-Wun and kickass Ginger Dude Tormund, to crash this party. (Jon’s ill-fated lady love, Ygritte, for sure would be loving this!)

ygritte

“Kill those douche nozzles, Wun-Wun and Tormund. Kill them hard! Especially that little rodent, Ollie!”

As Wun-Wun starts boredly tossing those Knight’s Watch Weiners into the Castle Wall (Please toss that little sh*t Ollie! Please toss that little sh*t Ollie!), these men, who are supposedly ensuring the safety of Westeros, start running away like little b*tches, which, by the way, says very little about the “military of Westeros.” I don’t know about you guys, but I’d absolutely prefer Wun-Wun and the Wildings to watch over me at night, rather than these backstabbing losers . . .

done

Ultimately, the Wildings and those Knights Watchmen Still Loyal to Jon Snow gain the upper hand, and all the asshat Front-Stabbers of Jon Snow (including that little sh*t Ollie – YEAH!!!) get dragged away like the mangy dogs they are.

But who will lead this rag tag crew filled with men and one Giant, whose name rhymes with Fun-Fun? Davos has an idea . . .

idea davos

“Sup Melissandre?” Asks Davos, later that evening.

Melissandre is wearing her necklace now. So, Davos is looking at her like she’s a late thirty something hot chick, as opposed to the Estelle Getty character from The Golden Girls. mixed with The Crypt Keeper that we all now know her to be.

crypt

“I’m sexy and I know it.”

“You seem like the kind of girl who does creepy things, like drink poison for sh*ts and giggles, and pull murderous black shadow babies out of your hoo-hah. Do you think you could maybe amorously wash the corpse of a definitely dead sexy man, until he comes back to life, and subsequently leads us all toward World Domination?”

“Maybe,” replies Melissandre, noncommittally.

Well . . . it isn’t a “no!”

F*ck Everyone Who Isn’t the Lannisters!

Jamie’s inspirational (not to mention aspirational . . . especially, considering the fact that Jamie may well never have actually f*&ked someone who “wasn’t a Lannister” before) comes into play, in earnest, this week, when The Mountain stomps around town murdering anyone who has the gall to speak ill of Cersei Lannister. He even kills the drunken lout, who unconvincingly brags to his friends about boning Cersei immediately after her naked walk of shame. (Because nothing makes you super horny, like utter humiliation, am I right ladies? *insert eyeroll here*)

mountainn dont take that

Feminists come in all shapes and sizes . . .

And yet, all is not well in Kings Landing. For starters, King Tommen is not letting Cersei attend the private funeral viewing of her own daughter! (And we all remember how much fun Cersei had at the funeral viewing of her last dead kid!)

corpse sex

Speaking of funeral sex, Cersei’s lover Jamie is not fairing much better. His not-so-thinly veiled threats to murder the High Sparrow, for tearing apart his family and ruining its (well not exactly “good,” but not nearly as bad as, say, the Bolton’s, because they are the ABSOLUTE WORST) name, crashes and burns, when the High Sparrow brings all his fellow cult followers to the fight. And Jamie One Hand finds himself to be not so much of a match for them.

face off

“Can’t we just get along and have sex on top of this corpse instead?”

In slightly better Lannister news, mother and son, Cersei and Tommen, eventually make amends with one another, when Tommen begs Cersei for help him to become a stronger ruler. Now, Cersei, herself, is far from someone I would call, the ideal queen. (I’d still vote for her over Donald Trump though.) But hey, if Cersei can get Tommen to do something on this show aside from play with his pussy, that would be a big help, plotline wise.

father mother

Pussy CAT . . . I mean . . . obviously, I meant his pussy cat. 😉

tommen with cat

Dungeons and Dragons and Drunk Dwarves, Oh My!

what am i nuts

A word of advice for any of you out there planning on adopting some pet dragons from your local animal shelter. Dragons don’t like being chained up! In fact, chaining up your dragons will give them a permanent case of the sads.

sad drag

And you don’t want your pet dragons to be sad, do you? So, what if they eat you, the second they find themselves unharnessed? Isn’t it worth losing your head (which you weren’t using anyway) and other random body parts, for the love of fire-breathing reptiles?

With Mereen in utter turmoil and Dany nowhere to be found, Drunk Tyrion somehow gets the “amazing” idea to free Dany’s dragons, in the hope that this will make the recently conquered land appear more formidable to its enemies.

drink and know things

“The dragons will like me,” insists Tyrion, when questioned as to whether he’s the least bit worried that he is about to become dragon food, during his noble Free the Reptiles quest. “Everybody likes me. I’m small, and snarky, and I get all the best one-liners on the show!”

Tyrion sure seems confident enough, when he’s chatting with his fellow councilmen, but when he’s alone with the two not-so-baby dragons in the dark, with nothing but a small torch to protect him, it’s clear that the dwarf is beginning to doubt himself.

cool

“I’m here to help you. Please don’t eat the help,” Tyrion pleads, as he gently removes the shackles from the first dragon.

And, wouldn’t you know it, the darn thing actually doesn’t eat Tyrion, when he has the chance!

But then something really amazing happens! The second dragon, actually bends his neck toward Tyrion to HELP the dwarf remove HIS shackles too. It’s a downright sweet, and almost loyal, puppy-like thing for a dragon to do.

Could this mean that the long-held fan theory that Tyrion has Targaryen blood is actually true? Or do dragons just really find drunk men the size of small children to be just as hilarious as the rest of us do?

Whatever the reason that the dragons are merciful to Tyrion, the deceptively courageous dwarf isn’t about to engage in a repeat performance anytime soon. “Next time I decide to do something like that, please punch me in the face,” the littlest Lannister insists to Varys, as he leaves the now-free dragons behind him.

tyrion-dancing-top

 

Well, I’ll drink to that!

Burgers for the Blind Beggar

follow me

Another day, another beat-down for Blind Arya by that b*tchy red head who works with her at Burgerless White Castle. But this time, something different happens afterwards. Jaagen Hgar offers Arya food, a bed, and her sight back, but only if she reveals her “true name.”

beat up by ging

“I have no name. I am nobody,” Arya continually insists, like the good little student / Possible Scientologist she has become. “Except, Tom Cruise. I might be him.”

“Well played, Arya Wan Kenobie, A++,” responds Jaagen. “For your efforts, come back to Burgerless White Castle with me for the night. I can’t feed you a burger, because we are burgerless, obviously. But I’ll feed you a dead rat, and some folks tell me that the two taste exactly the same.

Way to give up your originality for a Scooby Snack, Arya! Your brutally murdered parents must be so proud!

It’s a Dog Eat Baby World Out There!

Ramsey Bolton is bummed. Having been a bastard child all his life, he’s always been the Jan Brady of his frightening family.

Ramsey Snow

06

But then he learns that his father’s wife has given him a legitimate male heir to the throne! This demotes Ramsey even further down the Bolton pedigree. Now, he’s no better than Cousin Friggin Oliver! And nobody likes a Cousin Oliver!

oliver-gif

So Ramsey does what any vaguely ignored child would do in his situation . . . he brutally stabs his father in the gut, then feeds his step mother and brand new little half brother to hungry dogs.

dead roose

“I prefer to be an only child,” explains Ramsey, in apparent justification for his unspeakable actions.

It’s the first thing this psychopath ever said with which I actually agreed . . . ONLY CHILDREN RULE!

Reek, No More! (Because you can shower in the snow!)

Sansa, Podrick and Brienne are headed to Castle Black, where they hope that Sansa’s half sibling, Jon Snow, will lend her protection from the Boltons’ murderous intents and generalized rapey grossness. Theon’s invited too, but he’s not coming. “I cannot make amends to your family for the things I’ve done,” he admits.

crying theon

(Fortunately, for Theon, most of Sansa’s family has already been brutally murdered, so there isn’t really anybody left alive to judge him for his crimes.)

Nonetheless, Theon wishes to leave Sansa and Co., and, instead, return home to his own awful family who hates him so. But hey, at least the Greyjoys aren’t as bad as the Lannisters or the Boltons. Don’t get me wrong, GOTers, they are almost as bad, but only bad enough to receive the Bronze Medal of Despicability, not Silver or Gold.

hugging

The good thing about being a guy formerly known as Reek, and traveling to a water-logged town like the one of his birth, is that there are always a multitude of new and exciting places to shower. This means, you can always prevent yourself from smelling like a barnyard animal, when trying to charm the ladies, which is super important, if you ever want to get laid ever again, in spite of the whole “no cock and balls” thing . . .

The Bridge of Kerplop

on the bridgee

Back at Theon’s birth home, Balon Greyjoy is being a dick to his daughter, as per usual. When he tires of doing that, he decides to go for a walk on the most poorly constructed bridge of all time, in the midst of what appears to be a pretty bad storm, since Greyjoys are SUPER SMART! It is there that his own brother unceremoniously tosses the old dude off the bridge into the watery depths, because, much like most of the characters on this show, Balon’s brother is a terrible person.

Then again, maybe he just wanted to prove the long-held rumor that really, really, ridiculously old men could fly?

You Know Nothing About Vampires and Zombies, Jon Snow!

rise wolf

Speaking of really, really ridiculously old people, Melissandre has agreed to help bring Jon Snow back from the dead. In about two seconds of screentime, we know exactly why! Apparently, in this world, “awaking the dead” involves flirtatiously wetting all their erogenous zones with a washcloth, and cutting their hair. Sounds like a blast to me!

wash and waaiting

Though, in all honesty, I can’t imagine how actor Kit Harrington managed to keep a straight “dead” face through it all. I mean, seriously could you imagine how many takes it would muster to complete that scene, if poor Kit were the least bit ticklish to the touch . . . or worse, if he got a Corpse Boner? Rigor Mortis anyone?

she can do it

Anywhoo, when Melissandre is finished haphazardly bathing Dead Jon, and he still seems dead as a doornail (though cleaner and with a way better haircut than he’s had in four seasons) she dejectedly goes back to her room to take off her necklace and re-Golden Girl herself. Tormund, Davos and Edd stick around a bit longer, but, eventually they too give up hope that Dead Jon will come back to life as an evil zombie, who will murder them all in their sleep. So, they head to bed as well.

But then, Ghost, who has been rudely napping throughout this entire, vaguely pornographic, resurrection, abruptly awakens and stares at his human alter ego, Jon Snow. Could this mean that . . .?

Yep, it can! Seconds later, JON SNOW IS ALIVE and gasping for air. The only problem is that he’s super super pale. Do you think they have tanning beds over at Castle Black?

arise

“I don’t know about you, but I could really go for some White Castle burgers right about now.”

Until next time, Westeros!

[Shameless self promotion alert: Do you like stories with snark? Romance? Friendship? Awkward sexual encounters? Vengeance? Drag queens? Puppies with two wheels for back legs? If so, please feel free to check out my new novel, Snarky Goes to Hollywood. It’s only a $1 on Kindle, Folks … the same amount of money you occasionally give homeless people on the street, when you can no longer avoid making eye contact with them .]

Cross posted at Happy Nice Time People.com.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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It’s Getting Hot in Here . . . – A Recap of Boardwalk Empire’s “Home”

Let me start by saying how much I’ve been enjoying Boardwalk Empire this season.  The characters are interesting.  The scripts are smart and witty.  The plot twists are unexpected.  However, I do have one small suggestion that would considerably improve my own personal appreciation of the show.  Nametags. 

I can’t tell you how many times, while watching this show, I’ve had to stop and check my notes, to ascertain WHO a particular person was, and HOW he or she related to the main characters of this story.  With a Nametag, all of that information would be right on your television screen!  Allow me to illustrate with some simple examples:

This is Chalky White:

(Nice jacket!)

And this is his Nametag:

This is Al Capone:

And this is his Nametag:

Finally, this is Lucy Danziger:

And this is her Nametag:

Can’t you see how something like this would be VERY helpful to viewers of Boardwalk Empire like you and me?

But enough about that.  Let’s get on with the recap, shall we?

Old Dirty Bastard

Hide your cats, kids!  Daddy’s home!

Boy, Nucky’s Dad sure ended up being an evil demented wackadoo, didn’t he?  But you know bothered me most about him?  It wasn’t that he told his own son, “You may think you’re king, but you aren’t worth a damn!”   

And it wasn’t that he scalded Nucky’s hand with a hot poker, for grabbing at a loaf of bread, when he was a boy.  It wasn’t even that he landed Nucky in the hospital for 11 days, by forcing him to pick a fight with boys four years older than he.  No . . . I hate Papa Thompson because he’s MEAN TO CATS!

“Only one of us has nine lives, Old Man.  And it’s DEFINITELY not you!”

When we first see him in this episode, Papa Thompson poking the poor felines residing in his home with sticks, and calling them nasty names.  At first, I thought the Old Coot was just talking to himself (as the interminably aged tend to do).  But when I found out he was berating the Purrrfect Ones, he got a big fat X in my book!  Can you really blame those cute little kitties for peeing all over his house?

I’m not going to lie, when the cats tripped Papa Thompson’s ass and he kerplunked on the floor, I cheered!

Remember that old commercial with the elderly lady and her walker?

“I’ve fallen, and I can’t get up!”

This scene was kind of like that.  Except, the old lady in that commercial, to my knowledge, was never mean to cats.  So, I actually felt bad for laughing at her.

Anyway, Nucky takes time out of his busy schedule of screwing, and screwing people over, to collect his fallen Daddy from the floor of his childhood home.  With Nucky, is his loveable, but not too swift, younger brother, Eli.

The brothers agree that their father can no longer live alone in the house.  Nucky immediately suggests putting his father in an old age home, but Eli won’t hear of it.  “He can stay with me,” Eli offers gallantly.

Later, Nucky meets with an adorably sweet employee of his, who has a wife and tons of kids.  Nucky learns that the employee is saving up to buy a home for his family, but is not able to afford it.  In a rare moment of decency — one that doesn’t involve his own trying to get rich or get laid for change — Nucky generously offers to give his employee the home for free, provided the Family Man can repair it, and remove the cat piss smell from its walls.

The Family Man is overjoyed!

He quickly fixes up the house, using all of his family’s savings on repairs.  When Nucky comes to visit the place, it looks as good as new!  So, Nucky, after a few choice words from his dad, decides to burn it to the ground.

When the Poor Family Man arrives on site to find his Dream Home overtaken by flames, Nucky boredly hands him a large wad of bills.  “Here.  Find a nicer place to live,” he says, before getting in his car, and driving away.

Ouch!  It looks like the apple might not fall too far from the cat-abusing tree . . .

A Few Screws Loose

Over in Chicago, Jimmy’s war injury has been acting up.  So, he heads to a doctor that specializes in treating veterans.  Aside from making some lame jokes about Jimmy having a few “screws loose” in his leg, the doctor provides our antihero with little help.  However, he does suggest that Jimmy submit to some psychological testing for war veterans.

I was actually really surprised that Jimmy agreed to go to the testing center in the first place, because it seemed so out of character for him to willingly do something like that.

“This is what I do to people who ask me to talk about my feelings.”

However, had Jimmy not gone to the test center, he would not have met Richard Harrow, a fellow war veteran, and an expert sniper, with a penchant for shooting guys in the face.  Speaking of faces, did I mention that Richard only has half of one?  The other half must have blown off during the war.  So, Richard has to wear a cool Phantom of the Opera-type mask, which makes him closely resemble a character in a Dick Tracy comic.

As if all this didn’t make Richard awesome enough, he also has this deep raspy voice, like a Budweiser Frog . . .

 . . . and a complete lack of affect, which makes his line delivery sound like something out of the movie RainMan.

“Six minutes to Wapner.  Kmart Sucks.”

Jimmy, who is fast becoming the manager of Team Kickass Gangster, knows a good future hoodlum when he sees one.  So, he quickly strikes up a friendship with the Masked One.  The two play hooky together from Psychological Testing, and head off to Jimmy’s favorite Hangout, Johnny Torrio’s Brothel.  Having concluded that the Masked One has never “been with a woman,” Jimmy nips that problem in the bud, lickety split.  Now THAT’S a good friend!

Later, thanks to a tip from Al Capone (who I WISH was in this episode more), Jimmy arrives at a bar on Chicago’s northside, and confronts Liam — the guy who cut up Pearl’s face a few episodes back, and, ultimately brought about her suicide.

With an eerie nonchalance that would make Michael Corleone proud, Jimmy lulls Liam into a false sense of security, by recounting an old war tale of a German soldier who got caught amidst a tangle of barbed wire, and yet still retained the will to live.  “Sometimes living is far worse than dying,” Jimmy concludes.  “I don’t ever want to see you here again.”

As Jimmy leaves, we hear Liam take a loud sigh of relief.  Then, a pitcher of water across the room from him shatters.  The patrons of the bar look around in confusion.  Then they see it — a small bullet-sized hole in the window.  A hole that matches the one on Liam’s face, right below his eye. 

We cut to an apartment a few floors above the bar, where the Super Cool Richard Barrow is calmly packing his gun back inside a brief case.  It was BY FAR the best scene in this episode!  And the fact that it was accompanied by music from the Phantom of the Opera, and followed by a pivotal scene from the film, Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde (“It was at this moment, that Dr. Jekyll was awakened to the baser sense of his nature.”), just made the whole thing ten times better!

Watching the Jekyll and Hyde film in question, is an increasingly agitated Lucy Dumb Slut, who is not taking her replacement by Margaret as Nucky’s favorite Sex Toy, particularly well.

Be afraid Margaret.  Be VERY AFRAID!

Van Alden’s Big Break

Back at the station, Nelsan Van Alden . . .

 . . . may not be any closer to convicting Nucky for any wrong doing.  However, he sure does seem to be developing a compelling case against Jimmy Darmody!  When one of Jimmy’s accomplices in that liquor raid featured in the pilot episode, is fingered on a bunch of unrelated charges, the Rat quickly drops a dime on Jimmy, in exchange for clemency.

(Ummmm .  . . you can stop hitting yourself now, Mr. Van Alden.  This is very good news for you . . .)

Girls who like Girls . . .

Speaking of Jimmy, remember when we all thought that his wife was banging that photographer, while he was away at war?  Well, it turns out, she wasn’t.  She was banging his wife.  Apparently, Angela is an artist of some sort, and her lover is trying to get her work shown in some swank New York gallery. 

During this scene, we also learn that Jimmy has been wisely putting Nucky’s name on the envelopes containing the money he sends his family monthly, so his rivals will not be able to locate him.  It sure makes him look like a prick to his family, though . . .

Speaking of Pricks . . .

. . . Margaret acts like a bit of one to Nucky, when he tries to tell her about his effed up relationship with his Dad.  “I’m no stranger to a man’s cruelty,” she says, dismissively.  “Sometimes it’s best to leave the past where it is.”

It seems Margaret has been getting some bad advice lately.  The first piece of it came last week from a pamphlet entitled “Family Limitation,” and involved a bottle of Lysol.

This week, one of her new whore friends instructs her not to allow Nucky to talk too much about his personal problems, because it will make him feel “weak.”  Margaret ultimately apologizes to Nucky for her insensitive behavior.  Nucky, to his credit, appears to take her faux pas in stride, eventually coming clean to Margaret about his father’s uncommon cruelty. 

To show there are no hard feelings, Nucky allows Margaret’s kids to call him “Daddy” “Uncle,” and even lets one of them come watch him burn his Dad’s house down. 

Awwwww . . . family bonding!  How sweet!

Meet Michael Lewis Meyer Lansky

While Nucky is huffing, and puffing, and blowing his Dad’s house down, Arnold Rothstein is trying to do the same thing to Nucky’s illegal liquor business.  When Chalky White is visited by a man who calls himself “Michael Lewis,” Nucky’s No-Nonsense Bootlegger becomes instantly suspicious.

“You may stay where the f*ck you standing,” he tells the young man, when the later politely requests admittance into Chalky’s “office.”

“Michael,” as it turns out, has a business proposition for Chalky.  It involves Chalky delivering liquor directly to Michael for $10,000 and cutting out Nucky as the Middle Man.  Though initially intrigued by the idea, Chalky smells a Rat.

“Tell Nucky it’s going to take more than 10 grand for me to f*ck him over,” scoffs Chalky.

“You can’t blame a guy for trying,” concedes “Michael,” as he exits stage left.

Later, we learn that “Michael” (who’s real name is Meyer Lansky) wasn’t working for Nucky at all.  Rather, he works for Arnold Rothstein.

You see, Arnold, Meyer, and Lucky Luciano are trying to get a foothold in the New Jersey liquor business.  But they need capital to do it.  And so, they contact the Philadelphia crime family, which is led by a guy named Mickey Doyle, and that dude from The Sopranos and Doogie Howser, M.D.

(Apparently, it was this Philly gang, and not Rothstein’s gang, who robbed Nucky’s “tax collector” at the beginning of last week’s episode.  See what I mean . . . about them all needing name tags!)

With the help of Lucky’s bravado . . .

“I’m a Captain in bed of Industry!”

 . . . and Meyer’s fast-talking salesmanship, the gangs of New York and Philly quickly form an EVVVVVILLL Alliance against Nucky Thompson.  Together, the two gangs plan to rob one of Nucky’s Atlantic City casinos, and use that cash to finance their own illegal liquor enterprise. 

(Don’t get me wrong, it’s a clever idea  .  . . but I think I liked it better when it was called Ocean’s Eleven . . .)

Arnold Rothstein is cute and all . . . but he’s NO George Clooney.

So, there you have it.  Though it was far from my favorite episode of the series (last week’s “Family Limitations probably still owns the crown on that title), “Home” did provide us with some illuminating insight into Nucky’s psyche.  It also introduced us to a couple of intriguing new characters: the enigmatic Richard Harrow and real-life criminal mastermind, Meyer Lansky.

Did I mention, there were cats in the episode?

[www.juliekushner.com]

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Don’t Cry for Me, Sue Sylvester!: A Recap of Glee’s “Home”

  

Glad to see my girl, Mercedes, happy and smiling again!

This week’s installment of Glee might not have been the show’s most GLEE-FUL (Everyone was CRYING during it!), but it was certainly its most heartfelt.  As you can probably gather from the title, the episode’s theme was “home” (and just in case you didn’t get the theme from the title, the entire cast hit you on the head with it, sledgehammer style, by using the word, about every 5 minutes).

The “home” in question, referred to a house, in the literal sense, like the one Mr. Schuester was trying to sublet, pending his divorce.  It also referred to “home” in the more abstract sense, like the inner peace Mercedes had to regain, regarding her body.

“All this talk about HOME is making me HOMESICK, Toto!”

Let’s revisit, shall we? 

There’s No Place Like Inside Will Schuester’s Pants . . .

When the episode begins, the Glee club is homeless, due to Sue Sylvester’s commandeering of the auditorium for use by her Cheerios (of which, by now, half of the Glee kids just so happen to be members).  Ummm . . . to be honest, I’m not sure why this was such an issue.  I always thought the Gleeks held their practice sessions in the music room, you know, the one we always see them practicing in.  Anyway, as a result of this plot device unfortunate circumstance, Mr. Schuester (a.k.a Will) is forced to search for a temporary “home” for his Glee club, and randomly decides that the 1980’s would be a perfect place for them to go (last week, after all, was the Madonna episode). 

So, our favorite Glee coach travels back in time . . . to a roller rink . . . and to a previous episode of the show, guest starring Kristin Chenoweth . . .

Yes, boys and girls, you probably remember Kristin’s guest starring role on Glee, during the first half of the season, as the boozy songstress, April.  Well, now, apparently, April is back, and conveniently in charge of the roller rink that constitutes the “only possible” place for our Gleeks to practice (aside from the music room, of course).  April gallantly lets Will use the roller rink as Glee Club practice space.  She’s also willing to prospectively help him find a subletter for his home.  Why, you ask?  Because April is a girl, and everyone knows that all GIRLS on Glee (except for maybe, Sue Sylvester)desire a coveted spot inside the Schuester pantalones (a spot which is becoming increasingly less exclusive as the weeks progress)!

“Come on inside, ladies.  There’s room in here for EVERYBODY!”

April swings by Will’s place, ostensibly to check out the apartment, but ends up spending the night.  Surprisingly, these two don’t actually do it!

I know, Mr. Monkey, I was shocked too!

However, they did sing a couple of rousing show tunes together, about how lonely they both were.  And nothing says foreplay like SHOW TUNES!

After the foreplay show tunes singing, Will goes into Daddy mode, and self-righteously lectures April on how crappy her life is right now.  (Right, because YOU are the epitome of healthy living, Man Slut Will).  And to his credit, Will Schuester must be REALLY good at singing show tunes, because one talk with him is all it takes for April to decide to clean up her life and head out of town, but not before she buys the Glee club its auditorium, of course .  . .

Our Parents are Dating Eachother, So We Should TOTALLY Date TOO . . .

“You’re so TENSE future step-brother.  Maybe a full body massage would help.”

Speaking of pantalones, I’m not exactly sure what gave Kurt the brilliant idea that, if you have a crush on someone, becoming related to them is the PERFECT way to get them to do it with you (particularly if that person is straight, and you are gay)!  And yet, that was precisely our boy Kurt’s dastardly plan at the beginning of this episode.  We watch as Kurt deftly orchestrates the coupling of his widower father (played by Mike O’Malley) with Finn’s widowed mom.  And, wouldn’t you know it, these two fall completely in love, during the course of a SINGLE EPISODE!

Finn, who sees any “moving on” he and his mother might do, as a direct betrayal of his deceased dad, is not too happy with this new state of affairs.  And he lets both Finn and his mother know it, in no uncertain terms.  I love how when a very hurt Kurt sings “A House is Not a Home” directly to Finn during Glee practice, Puck mouths to Finn “Are you gay?”  (It might have been wise for Kurt to ask Finn this same question, before he started going through all this trouble!)

To further complicate matters, when Kurt and Finn, and their respective parents, all go out to eat together, Kurt’s dad starts talking football with Finn, which makes Kurt, who has always desired a closer relationship with his “man’s man” father, extremely jealous.  But . . . wait . . . isn’t Kurt on the football team too?

Did Kurt not WIN a football game for his school, by distracting the opposing team with his hypnotic “Single Ladies” dance, just a few months ago?

I mean that’s gotta count for something, right?  During the episode, Kurt comes to terms with his relationship with his father, while Finn comes to terms with the loss of his.  Ultimately, Finn allows Kurt’s dad to sit in his father’s sacred chair, while the two bond over a college football game.  Kurt looks on wistfully, but with a new understanding of the situation.

What it takes to be Beautiful . . .

“Just for cheering, not for EATING!”

Poor Mercedes!  The minute Sue Sylvester calls her and Kurt into her office, we just know she’s in for some trouble.   “How do you two not have a show on Bravo?”  Sue inquires, as the spunky pair banters with one another, just seconds before Sue rips their hearts out.  (And, she’s RIGHT!  I would TOTALLY watch a Bravo show starring these two!)

Check out Kurt and Mercedes in Bravo’s new hit show “Girl Talk,” on Thursday nights (right after Project Runway)

In preparation from an upcoming interview with a premiere journalist, Sue Sylvester has given her newest Cheerio an ultimatum: “Lose ten pounds, or you’re off the squad.”

To her credit, Mercedes initially goes about losing the weight the right way, by ordering a healthy lo-cal lunch at the cafeteria.  Unfortunately, Mercedes’ “friends” intervene, giving her “advice,” ranging from the bad to the downright insulting.

“Don’t ruin this for me!” Kurt says.

“Would you rather feel bad and look good, or feel good and look bad?”  Santana asks, after suggesting that Mercedes drink a “meal replacement” shake, that will cause her to instantly regurgitate all her food.

“We like you no matter what you look like,” says Artie (good sentiment, poor delivery)

“I’m pretty sure my cat has been reading my diary,” says Brittany.

(LOVE this girl!  I’m so glad they’ve decided to upgrade her to series regular status.  She totally deserves it.)

 . . . and so does her cat. 

Mercedes soon begins starving herself, to the point where she faints in the lunchroom.  Surprisingly, the only person with anything remotely supportive to say to Mercedes throughout this entire ordeal is Quinn.

In a very touching scene, Quinn visits Mercedes in the nurse’s office, offers her a granola bar, and tells her she is beautiful.  “You’ve always been at home in your body.  I admired that about you,” Quinn counsels.

Having had body issues in the past, and having gained a new understanding about healthy eating, as a result of her pregnancy, Quinn is able to commiserate with Mercedes, and provide her with some good advice.  I love the journey the writers have taken with Quinn this season.  She has certainly come along way from the shallow self-righteous girl we knew from the pilot. 

At the pep rally, Mercedes surprises everyone by giving a heart-warming speech about the importance of feeling comfortable in your own skin.  She then asks the entire student body to join her in a rendition of Christina Aquilera’s Beautiful, that, in my opinion, was by far, the best performance of the evening.  (Then again, maybe that’s just because I’m not a big fan of show tunes.)  You can hear Mercedes, in all her glory, here:

After the performance, a nervous Sue Sylvester . . .

 . . . meets with the journalist, who she is convinced will berate her for the impromptu performance.  And, initially, it seems as though he will do just that.  “The minute I met you, I instantly disliked you . . . Twice you called me Rerun, and I was also beginning to think you were a little racist.”

NOT the journalist!

While the journalist initially had plans to expose Sue for her bad behavior, he was pleasantly surprised by what he saw during the pep rally.  Assuming that Sue had orchestrated the whole thing, he calls her a visionary, and promises to “open doors for her,” by writing a highly laudatory article about the cheerleading coach.  To Sue’s credit, she ACTUALLY looks like she feels kind of guilty about all the undeserved praise she is receiving.  But just like the other few times us viewers have been made privy to Sue’s softer side, I’m sure it won’t last very long . . .

  • That’s all folks.  It was definitely not my favorite Glee episode, but it had some good moments.  What did you think?  Are you excited about the prospect of Kurt and Finn as step-brothers?  Were you as shocked as I was that Jesse St. James had NO lines during this episode, and Rachel only had one?  Would you watch a Bravo show starring Mercedes and Kurt?  If you were Brittany’s cat, would you read her diary too?

 

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