This week on Game of Thrones, Jon Snow LIVES! Roose Bolton DIES! Tyrion doesn’t get eaten by dragons. And Hodor expands his vocabulary, sort of. One of the benefits of posting a late recap, is I can spoil big plot points right off the bat, while only feeling mildly guilty about doing it.
So, let’s do it, Westeros!
[A very special shout-out and thanks to my spectacular screencap provider / friend Andre. He alone has the power to make Jon Snow’s naked corpse-like torso shine like the top of the Chrysler Building!]
Bran’s back, you guys!
Wait! Don’t leave! It’s a good storyline, this time, I promise . . . well, I mean, it’s a slightly better storyline than the Uber Depressing, Nature Walks with the Permanently Disabled of seasons past!
So, Bran’s doing that thing he does, where his eyes get all milky, and he gets to see stuff through the mind of a bird, or a wolf, or a blade of grass or something. This time, he gets to be a flesh and blood real boy! Oh Pinocchio would be so proud!
Bran’s LSD tripping travels this week take him back to his father’s childhood at Winterfell. Bran’s uncle is there! Also, Bran’s sassy dead aunt on his dad’s side, Lyanna (. . . not to be confused with his creepy dead aunt on his mom’s side, Lysa, who breast fed her kid until he was like 20, loved Littlefinger and got thrown to her death from something called a “moon door). P.S. Start using different letters than “L” and “M” to name your second-tier female characters, George R.R. Martin!
But Bran’s real find on his Virtual Reality for the Middle Ages journey is a then-fully communicative young Hodor. What happened to him to make him lose all his words? Did he fall off a very high horse and hit his head really hard? Did he experience something so traumatic that it robbed him of his capacity for speech? Did he watch the scenes of Groot from Guardians of the Galaxy one too many times?
The world may never know . . . or at least they won’t find out this week.
Fun-Fun with Wun-Wun
So, do you remember that scene from last season, when the Wildings are battling the White Walkers, and a real scary looking one latches itself onto the Giant, Wun-Wun’s neck, and Wun-Wun swats it off its body, like it’s nothing more than a pesky fly? Now, imagine what a guy like that could do with a troop of wimpy, non-magical power having, Jon Snow murdering, cowardly traitors?
For those of you (like me), who’ve been wondering how long it would be for Jon Snow’s allies, Davos and Edd, to seek the help of the Wildings in avenging the “death” of Jon Snow, you all got your wish this week! Just when it seems like Team #Dead Jon Snow (including Ghost) is a total goner, holed up in a small room with limited weapons and manpower, as Thorne’s Knights Watchmen gradually bash down the door that’s keeping them protected, in walk the Wildings, led by Wun-Wun and kickass Ginger Dude Tormund, to crash this party. (Jon’s ill-fated lady love, Ygritte, for sure would be loving this!)
As Wun-Wun starts boredly tossing those Knight’s Watch Weiners into the Castle Wall (Please toss that little sh*t Ollie! Please toss that little sh*t Ollie!), these men, who are supposedly ensuring the safety of Westeros, start running away like little b*tches, which, by the way, says very little about the “military of Westeros.” I don’t know about you guys, but I’d absolutely prefer Wun-Wun and the Wildings to watch over me at night, rather than these backstabbing losers . . .
Ultimately, the Wildings and those Knights Watchmen Still Loyal to Jon Snow gain the upper hand, and all the asshat Front-Stabbers of Jon Snow (including that little sh*t Ollie – YEAH!!!) get dragged away like the mangy dogs they are.
But who will lead this rag tag crew filled with men and one Giant, whose name rhymes with Fun-Fun? Davos has an idea . . .
“Sup Melissandre?” Asks Davos, later that evening.
Melissandre is wearing her necklace now. So, Davos is looking at her like she’s a late thirty something hot chick, as opposed to the Estelle Getty character from The Golden Girls. mixed with The Crypt Keeper that we all now know her to be.
“You seem like the kind of girl who does creepy things, like drink poison for sh*ts and giggles, and pull murderous black shadow babies out of your hoo-hah. Do you think you could maybe amorously wash the corpse of a definitely dead sexy man, until he comes back to life, and subsequently leads us all toward World Domination?”
“Maybe,” replies Melissandre, noncommittally.
Well . . . it isn’t a “no!”
F*ck Everyone Who Isn’t the Lannisters!
Jamie’s inspirational (not to mention aspirational . . . especially, considering the fact that Jamie may well never have actually f*&ked someone who “wasn’t a Lannister” before) comes into play, in earnest, this week, when The Mountain stomps around town murdering anyone who has the gall to speak ill of Cersei Lannister. He even kills the drunken lout, who unconvincingly brags to his friends about boning Cersei immediately after her naked walk of shame. (Because nothing makes you super horny, like utter humiliation, am I right ladies? *insert eyeroll here*)
And yet, all is not well in Kings Landing. For starters, King Tommen is not letting Cersei attend the private funeral viewing of her own daughter! (And we all remember how much fun Cersei had at the funeral viewing of her last dead kid!)
Speaking of funeral sex, Cersei’s lover Jamie is not fairing much better. His not-so-thinly veiled threats to murder the High Sparrow, for tearing apart his family and ruining its (well not exactly “good,” but not nearly as bad as, say, the Bolton’s, because they are the ABSOLUTE WORST) name, crashes and burns, when the High Sparrow brings all his fellow cult followers to the fight. And Jamie One Hand finds himself to be not so much of a match for them.
In slightly better Lannister news, mother and son, Cersei and Tommen, eventually make amends with one another, when Tommen begs Cersei for help him to become a stronger ruler. Now, Cersei, herself, is far from someone I would call, the ideal queen. (I’d still vote for her over Donald Trump though.) But hey, if Cersei can get Tommen to do something on this show aside from play with his pussy, that would be a big help, plotline wise.
Pussy CAT . . . I mean . . . obviously, I meant his pussy cat. 😉
Dungeons and Dragons and Drunk Dwarves, Oh My!
A word of advice for any of you out there planning on adopting some pet dragons from your local animal shelter. Dragons don’t like being chained up! In fact, chaining up your dragons will give them a permanent case of the sads.
And you don’t want your pet dragons to be sad, do you? So, what if they eat you, the second they find themselves unharnessed? Isn’t it worth losing your head (which you weren’t using anyway) and other random body parts, for the love of fire-breathing reptiles?
With Mereen in utter turmoil and Dany nowhere to be found, Drunk Tyrion somehow gets the “amazing” idea to free Dany’s dragons, in the hope that this will make the recently conquered land appear more formidable to its enemies.
“The dragons will like me,” insists Tyrion, when questioned as to whether he’s the least bit worried that he is about to become dragon food, during his noble Free the Reptiles quest. “Everybody likes me. I’m small, and snarky, and I get all the best one-liners on the show!”
Tyrion sure seems confident enough, when he’s chatting with his fellow councilmen, but when he’s alone with the two not-so-baby dragons in the dark, with nothing but a small torch to protect him, it’s clear that the dwarf is beginning to doubt himself.
“I’m here to help you. Please don’t eat the help,” Tyrion pleads, as he gently removes the shackles from the first dragon.
And, wouldn’t you know it, the darn thing actually doesn’t eat Tyrion, when he has the chance!
But then something really amazing happens! The second dragon, actually bends his neck toward Tyrion to HELP the dwarf remove HIS shackles too. It’s a downright sweet, and almost loyal, puppy-like thing for a dragon to do.
Could this mean that the long-held fan theory that Tyrion has Targaryen blood is actually true? Or do dragons just really find drunk men the size of small children to be just as hilarious as the rest of us do?
Whatever the reason that the dragons are merciful to Tyrion, the deceptively courageous dwarf isn’t about to engage in a repeat performance anytime soon. “Next time I decide to do something like that, please punch me in the face,” the littlest Lannister insists to Varys, as he leaves the now-free dragons behind him.
Well, I’ll drink to that!
Burgers for the Blind Beggar
Another day, another beat-down for Blind Arya by that b*tchy red head who works with her at Burgerless White Castle. But this time, something different happens afterwards. Jaagen Hgar offers Arya food, a bed, and her sight back, but only if she reveals her “true name.”
“I have no name. I am nobody,” Arya continually insists, like the good little student / Possible Scientologist she has become. “Except, Tom Cruise. I might be him.”
“Well played, Arya Wan Kenobie, A++,” responds Jaagen. “For your efforts, come back to Burgerless White Castle with me for the night. I can’t feed you a burger, because we are burgerless, obviously. But I’ll feed you a dead rat, and some folks tell me that the two taste exactly the same.
Way to give up your originality for a Scooby Snack, Arya! Your brutally murdered parents must be so proud!
It’s a Dog Eat Baby World Out There!
Ramsey Bolton is bummed. Having been a bastard child all his life, he’s always been the Jan Brady of his frightening family.
But then he learns that his father’s wife has given him a legitimate male heir to the throne! This demotes Ramsey even further down the Bolton pedigree. Now, he’s no better than Cousin Friggin Oliver! And nobody likes a Cousin Oliver!
So Ramsey does what any vaguely ignored child would do in his situation . . . he brutally stabs his father in the gut, then feeds his step mother and brand new little half brother to hungry dogs.
“I prefer to be an only child,” explains Ramsey, in apparent justification for his unspeakable actions.
It’s the first thing this psychopath ever said with which I actually agreed . . . ONLY CHILDREN RULE!
Reek, No More! (Because you can shower in the snow!)
Sansa, Podrick and Brienne are headed to Castle Black, where they hope that Sansa’s half sibling, Jon Snow, will lend her protection from the Boltons’ murderous intents and generalized rapey grossness. Theon’s invited too, but he’s not coming. “I cannot make amends to your family for the things I’ve done,” he admits.
(Fortunately, for Theon, most of Sansa’s family has already been brutally murdered, so there isn’t really anybody left alive to judge him for his crimes.)
Nonetheless, Theon wishes to leave Sansa and Co., and, instead, return home to his own awful family who hates him so. But hey, at least the Greyjoys aren’t as bad as the Lannisters or the Boltons. Don’t get me wrong, GOTers, they are almost as bad, but only bad enough to receive the Bronze Medal of Despicability, not Silver or Gold.
The good thing about being a guy formerly known as Reek, and traveling to a water-logged town like the one of his birth, is that there are always a multitude of new and exciting places to shower. This means, you can always prevent yourself from smelling like a barnyard animal, when trying to charm the ladies, which is super important, if you ever want to get laid ever again, in spite of the whole “no cock and balls” thing . . .
The Bridge of Kerplop
Back at Theon’s birth home, Balon Greyjoy is being a dick to his daughter, as per usual. When he tires of doing that, he decides to go for a walk on the most poorly constructed bridge of all time, in the midst of what appears to be a pretty bad storm, since Greyjoys are SUPER SMART! It is there that his own brother unceremoniously tosses the old dude off the bridge into the watery depths, because, much like most of the characters on this show, Balon’s brother is a terrible person.
Then again, maybe he just wanted to prove the long-held rumor that really, really, ridiculously old men could fly?
You Know Nothing About Vampires and Zombies, Jon Snow!
Speaking of really, really ridiculously old people, Melissandre has agreed to help bring Jon Snow back from the dead. In about two seconds of screentime, we know exactly why! Apparently, in this world, “awaking the dead” involves flirtatiously wetting all their erogenous zones with a washcloth, and cutting their hair. Sounds like a blast to me!
Though, in all honesty, I can’t imagine how actor Kit Harrington managed to keep a straight “dead” face through it all. I mean, seriously could you imagine how many takes it would muster to complete that scene, if poor Kit were the least bit ticklish to the touch . . . or worse, if he got a Corpse Boner? Rigor Mortis anyone?
Anywhoo, when Melissandre is finished haphazardly bathing Dead Jon, and he still seems dead as a doornail (though cleaner and with a way better haircut than he’s had in four seasons) she dejectedly goes back to her room to take off her necklace and re-Golden Girl herself. Tormund, Davos and Edd stick around a bit longer, but, eventually they too give up hope that Dead Jon will come back to life as an evil zombie, who will murder them all in their sleep. So, they head to bed as well.
But then, Ghost, who has been rudely napping throughout this entire, vaguely pornographic, resurrection, abruptly awakens and stares at his human alter ego, Jon Snow. Could this mean that . . .?
Yep, it can! Seconds later, JON SNOW IS ALIVE and gasping for air. The only problem is that he’s super super pale. Do you think they have tanning beds over at Castle Black?
Until next time, Westeros!
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Cross posted at Happy Nice Time People.com.