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ONCE UPON A TIME: The Quicker Potion Fixer Upper

“Do you prefer eating your deep fried cursed hearts with ketchup or BBQ sauce?”

(cross posted at Agony Booth.com)

There were so many potions used this week on Once to clean up certain dangling plot items, it was hard to keep track of them all. Let’s see, we had: sleeping curse potion, memory forgetting potion, drink pink stuff to create a door to your true love in another realm potion, potion that deep fries dark curses out of your heart, and potion that allows your shadow to travel across realms to fondle your girlfriend’s face and give her a magic wand. This is because, in Storybrooke, potions are kind of like cell phone apps. They allow you to do things you never know you always wanted to do, like, for example, have a conversation with an animated Easter Bunny (That’s a real app, by the way.)

Let’s review, shall we?

Mmmmm, Deep-Fried Hearts!

Regina’s first idea to break the sleeping curse that hangs over Snow and Charming (collectively, but not simultaneously) is to basically rip out both their hearts and throw them into what looks like a deep frier. (Even though a steamer would result in the hearts having way less trans fats and lower cholesterol.) The idea is to “fry” the curse out of the hearts. The plan sort of seems to work at first, until Regina realizes that after you deep fry hearts, they kind of . . . um . . . don’t work as well anymore?

Now, Snow and Charming are not only still cursed, they also both have weak, fatty, cholesterol-filled hearts. And that means if Regina and the gang don’t find a curse cure by the end of the episode, both members of the happy couple will be forced to hang out in the Land of Nod for all eternity.

Oops! Now, if that’s not a PSA for using healthier forms of food processing, I don’t know what is.

Fortunately, there’s a magical solution just around the corner in the form of a pink flower that only grows when evil is around . . . or, more accurately, when the plot requires it to grow. The good news is the pink flower can be made into a potion that reunites separated true lovers, like Snow and Charming. The bad news is that it means the Black Fairy has found her way into Storybrooke, which puts her one step closer to murdering our Savior.

Emma and Snow quickly find a full field of those plot reviving pink flowers. But then the Black Fairy pops by and makes her Stepford Son Gideon magic them away. “Are you going to kill me now?” Emma wonders, since it seems like the perfect opportunity for the Black Fairy to do so.

“Nah, we still have a few more episodes left before the finale,” the Black Fairy insists before disappearing in a puff of smoke.

“Hey, you forgot a pink flower?” Emma calls after the Black Fairy.

But she’s already gone. This means that Snow and Charming have what they need to both have speaking parts in the same episode! Once Upon a Time is about to get a whole lot more expensive . . .

Shadow Dancing

Erotic or Creepy?: You be the judge

So, remember how, last week, the forty-year old looking Lost Boys were chasing Hook with bows and arrows? Well, the good news is Tiger Lily saves him by putting sleeping darts in all their necks. The bad news is she uses a dart on Hook too.

But Tiger Lily was just kidding about the whole “trying to murder Hook” thing. As it turns out, she just wants Hook to help her get a magic fairy wand to the Savior, so that she can use it to defeat the Black Fairy. “Well, what a coincidence, I’m currently boning the Savior,” Hook exclaims.

Using some of Peter Pan’s magic, Captain Hook, though unable to rescue himself from the Lost Boys, is able to send an emissary across the realms in the form of his shadow. The Shadow hands Emma the wand, along with Hook’s Hook, and then turns to leave, but not before performing a bit of heavy duty fondle action with Emma’s face.

This poses an interesting question, if you hook up with your boyfriend’s shadow, does that count as cheating?

A Snow and Charming Do-Over (Under?) and A (Better) Proposal

Back in Storybrooke, Emma worries that the Shadow’s gift of Hook’s Hook to her means that he’s in danger. (She also fears that Hook’s shadow may have given her an STD.) Snow, who is about to take the pink flower potion that will “reunite” her with Charming, and, by extension, cure their sleeping curse, decides to make the ultimate sacrifice and let Emma use it instead to reunite with her boyfriend, even if that means eternal sleepiness, and leaving her baby Neal, who the writers apparently forgot she had, to grow up an orphan. (Hey, Emma was an orphan, and she turned out just fine. She was only incarcerated once for grand theft auto!)

Emma’s all, “Why the heck would you do that? Don’t you care about your other kid at all?”

This brings us to our episode’s flashback of the week, which takes place during the First Curse in Storybrooke, around ten years before the pilot episode. Apparently, during that time one of those plot-convenient pink flowers appeared. And when Snow placed it in the then-comatose Charming’s hand it caused him, and, a few moments later, her, to remember their true identities.

Immediately concerned about the fate of their daughter Emma (who, unlike their other kid Neal, they actually seem to like), Snow and Charming hunt down Rumple and inquire about Emma. He tells them to drink more potion and think about her. This will create a door to Emma’s world and allow Snow and Charming to retrieve her from there.

The problem is that Emma’s only 18 at this time. And the prophecy requires her to be 28 to Save the World from Evil. (Apparently, world saving has an age requirement like drinking, voting, running for office, and buying porn off the internet.) Snow and Charming do end up creating that door to find Emma, who looks super young for 18, like WAAAY too young. (Maybe she has that thing Emmanuel Lewis has that makes you look 10 when you are 18? Or, maybe the writers just took memory potion and forgot that the script indicated her age as 18, instead of 10? The world may never know.)

“I swear, judge, she told me she was 18-years old!”

However, ultimately, Snow and Charming decide that preserving Emma for world saving is way more important than their happiness as parents. Besides, Emma’s a ten-year-old-looking-18-year old. What trouble could she possibly get into without parental supervision? So, Snow and Charming drink the conveniently available memory potion, that causes them to forget their true identities and allow them, and everyone they care about, to live inside the movie Groundhog Day for another decade.

So, basically, it’s a win/win for everyone right?

 

Back in the present day, Emma way too quickly accepts her parents’ offer to kind of/sort of commit murder suicide on one another (and, in doing so, pretty much guarantee that Baby Neal will grow up-to be a serial-killer) in-order-to-improve-their-daughter’s-sex life.

Emma then drinks her parents pink flower potion, creates a portal to Neverland, beats up some Lost Boys, and brings her beau safely back home.

Once there, Hook decides to propose to Emma for realsies. He even gets on one knee. This time, Emma doesn’t try to steal his thunder, by saying yes, before he even gets to ask the question. Everyone is happy. Well, except for Emma’s kind-of dead parents, and Baby Neal, and Tiger Lily who got left behind to hang out with a bunch of Forty-Year-Old-Looking-Lost-Boys for all eternity.

Ain’t “True Love” grand?

Worst Mother-in-Law Ever!

When Black Fairy and Stepford son Gideon pay a visit to Rumple and Belle at Rumple’s shop, the look on Belle’s face tells us she’s seriously questioning marrying into the most screwed-up, evil, and incestuous family of all time.

“Gaston is suddenly looking like a mighty attractive option.”

Then, Rumple tries to use some magic against his Bad Mommy. And the Black Fairy, in turn, uses the Control the Dark One sword against him so he can’t do it.

I don’t know about you guys, but if there was a sword around somewhere that could make me the slave of anyone who wielded it, I would keep that sh*t locked up in a vault so far away that no one would ever find it. Rumple just kind of leaves it around on the floor, for the latest Big Bad to nonchalantly pick up whenever the episode requires it.

Not too bright, if you ask me. Fortunately, Black Fairy actually gives Rumple back the sword on her own free will. She insists that after she defeats the Savior, Rumple will gladly and willingly join her on the Dark Side. It’s all very Darth Vader / Luke Skywalker-ey . . . you know, if Luke Skywalker had a real fondness for canes and face glitter.

But Rumple isn’t totally useless here. He gets at least one parting shot on Mommy by informing her that he knows Gideon is only acting like a huge douchebag, because she stole his heart. (Otherwise, Gideon would only be a medium-sized douchebag.) Rumple notes Gideon’s decision to leave one pink “reunite with your lover” flower for Emma and Snow to find as evidence that there is “still some goodness in him.”

See? Even Stepford medium-sized douchebags do nice things, every once in a while!

Naptime!

They literally drank the Kool-Aid . . . Peer pressure is bad, boys and girls!

Speaking of nice things, just in time for the end of the episode, Regina comes up with another plan to wake up Snow and Charming who are now both lying in bed together in identical comas. She brings the whole town together (which seems to only comprise like 20 people all of the sudden), and instructs them each to drink some of Snow’s and Charming’s curse. Regina hopes that this will dilute the curse enough for Snow and Charming to wake up. It also could, you know, kill the entire town, but, whatever.

So all the townspeople of Storybrooke drink the sleeping potion, and Snow and Charming wake up together (HOORAY!), and find the entire town lying around them in a coma (BOO!) . . . but only for like two minutes, and then they all wake up. (YAY!)

And they all lived happily ever after . . . at least until next Sunday at 8 p.m E.S.T. See you then!

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ONCE UPON A TIME: Knocked Up! (S5: Ep 14 Recap)

hook hug

This week on Once: a daring rescue goes awry; a reunion between old lovers reminds us just how incestuous this show actually is; Regina gets a new job as a horse whisperer; and a female character’s “secret” pregnancy is revealed by looking at her husband’s balls.

Let’s review, shall we?

“And You Thought Your Mother-in-Law Hated You,” by Emma Swan

ex wife

Congratulations, cast members of Once, there is now a new way to die on this show that is arguably worse than being turned into a giant purple fart, because you drank some bad water, or tugged too hard on a sword.

fart

According to Hades, there’s this River of Lost Souls, which, if you touch it, turns you into those giant wads of sperm from The Little Mermaid . . .

spermy two

spermy things

Now, I don’t know about you, but for me, Death by Eternal Spermdom is way worse than Death by Purple Fart. Because, at least as a purple fart, you get to disappear! I mean, sure, your scent lingers for a few terrible moments, but after that, you’re off the hook. Being an immortal sperm that never gets to fertilize an egg, is like spending an eternity hearing that awful knock-knock joke about the banana, and never getting to the punchline, where it mercifully turns into an orange.

Anyway, Hades is super mad at Hook for refusing to damn three of his friends to an eternity in the Underworld, so he gets back at him, by stringing him up and dangling him precariously over Sperm River!

sad kil

collect friends

Elsewhere, things are looking up a bit, because after weeks of searching, Emma has finally figured out where Hades is hiding Hook. All she has to do is hold hands with a dead person, so she can get there, which should be super easy, because almost everyone in the Underworld is dead, giving her plenty of hands to chose from. Of course, Rumpel, being Rumpel decides to choose the hand of his ex-wife Milah, because he’s a masochist.

OUAT Rumple

Milah’s job in the Underworld is that of crossing guard, probably because no one is more qualified to keep small children from getting run over by buses, than the woman who went to a bar to get laid, while her only son was dying of a snake bite . . . (Fortunately, all the kids here are already dead, so, the risk factor is kind of low.)

As it turns out, Milah’s unfinished business is that she feels shitty about what an awful parent she was. So, she agrees to help Rumpel save Hook, if it means possibly being able to earn some good karma points not at all related to parenting.

Once on board with the whole “Holding Hands Plan” (If Henry was in this episode, he’d call it: Operation Ring Around the Rosey), Milah meets for the first time the love of her son’s life, and mother of her only grandchild, Emma, who also happens to be the love of Milah’s ex boyfriend, Captain Hook’s, life.

awkward moment 1

awkward moment 2

(It’s too bad Emma never slept with Rumpelstilstkin, because then things could have been REALLY awkward.)

The blonde earns some points with Milah though, by telling her that her son Neal is in Heaven, and if she plays her cards right, she can meet him there, and apologize to him for being The Absolute Worst.

Emma is surprised to learn that the Portal to Hell is actually in the Alt World version of her basement, which is probably why, whenever she does laundry down there, she comes back missing at least one sock. (All uncoupled socks go to Hell. Everyone knows that.)

While Emma rushes into Hell to save Hook from becoming Sperm 4 Life (which would be a great name for a band, I think), Milah and Rumpel wait outside. And that’s where Hades finds them . . .

gets him

reunited 2

reunited 3 reunited 4

Quite Possibly, the Real Reason I’m An Only Child . . .

milah and hook

Personal aside: I was an only kid. Don’t feel bad for me, or anything. It meant I always got to bring a friend along on family vacations, and I never had to share my toys. (Sharing is for suckers.)

But still, sometimes I wondered why I never had any brothers or sisters. Occasionally, I’d even ask my parents. “Ask your mother,” said my dad. (It was the exact same response he gave, when I asked him why he had a package of “balloons” in the drawer of his nightstand.)

“It’s because you were so perfect, we didn’t need another baby,” said my mom.

Clearly, that’s not true. I mean, have you read my recaps? I’m kind of a jerk.

Now, thanks to Once, I know the real reason. It’s gotta be the same reason Baelfire/Neal was an only kid . . . my dad must have made a deal with some creepy clown face guy, in order to save my life! It all makes so much sense now.

But enough about me, let’s go back in time to before Rumpelstiltskin hired a fabulous stylist . . .

hehe rump

. . . back, when he was just some schlub, whose kid liked to hang out with deathly poisonous snakes. (When you are an only child, “friends” can be a very broad concept.)

So, the deathly poisonous snake took a little bite out of young Neal / Baelfire, and suddenly, he has 24 hours to live.

(Well, this isn’t a very intriguing backstory, I think to myself. We know Neal / Baelfire is going to live, because he grows up to pork Emma in the back of her yellow Beetle car, so she can give later birth to Henry, while incarcerated, and then proceed to forget about him entirely for ten years. But wait . . . there’s more.)

So, Rumpel and his then wife, Milah, go to a healer to save Neal / Baelfire. And he’s this weirdo, who lives in a tent, and kind of looks like the fat guy from the band, Kiss. “I have a bottle of green goo that can save your son,” explains Fat Guy from Kiss. “But it’s going to cost you a $100.”

gene simmons

Now, this was before the time of Obamacare. So it’s not like Rumpel had mandatory health insurance, and could simply ask for a less expensive, generic, version of the green goo, that was covered under his plan, cost way less, but had way worse side effects. Rumpel also didn’t have $100. And that’s when Milah decided that Rumpel should kill the Fat Guy from Kiss, and steal his green goo.

While Rumpel is busy attempting to off the guy who fittingly brought us the song “Heaven’s on Fire,” Milah is at the local bar getting shitfaced, because, “Feminism?”

drinking together

While at the bar, Milah meets Captain Hook, and wants to hit that so hard, which is totally understandable, because, well, look at him . . .

smirking

. . . but kind of makes me wonder where her dying kid is during all of this.

Rumpel ends up chickening out, and doesn’t kill the Fat Guy from Kiss. But the Fat Guy takes pity on him, and gives him the green goo, in exchange for the promise of his second born child. Why? I don’t know! But the weird guys with the face paint in these fairytales always seem to be wanting to get their mitts on other people’s kids.

Rumpel comes home, cures Neal / Baelfire with the green goo, and excitedly tells Milah the good news. Milah, however, is super bummed out that she doesn’t get to hide a dead body, which has always been on her personal bucket list. Also, she’s mad that she can’t have another baby to leave dying in a hut, while she goes off to get wasted and bone sexy pirates . . .

Later on, once Rumpel has hired his stylist, and becomes the fabulously evil guy we know and love, he kills the Fat Guy from Kiss, and then heads off to Rock and Roll All Night and Party Every Day. (See what I did there?)

rump happy gif

All Dogs Go to Heaven, But Horses? Meh!

tipp

Regina and Snow White don’t have much to do during this episode, so they decide to seek out Regina’s ex-boyfriend, who briefly became Frankenstein’s monster. Cruella, who is apparently the new Mayor of the Underworld, now that Regina’s mom is its new florist, offers to help, because she doesn’t have much to do during this episode either. She explains to Regina that if ex boyfriend Daniel’s gravestone is tipped over, it means he’s in Heaven, but if it’s cracked, it means he’s in Hell.

my fur

Regina finds the gravestone, and is thrilled to see it turned over. (Mostly, because she has a new lover now, and running into an ex, who may or may not be a murderous monster, would be super awkward.) Regina is so happy, in fact, that when she sees an injured horse, she uses the magic she thought she had lost to cure it! (This was undoubtedly the writers’ way of making up for all the animal cruelty and doggy murder in last week’s episode . . .)

im back

No word on what the horse’s unfinished business was, but I like to think it was because he came in second in the Kentucky Derby, and is super disappointed with his performance . . . Horses can be really Type A about those kind of things.

Just Keep Swimming. Just Keep Swimming . . .

milah

Back in Hell, Hades cuts a deal with Rumpel. All he has to do is kill Milah and destroy a boat that is the cast’s ticket out of the Underworld, and he can return to Storybrook to be with Belle. So, Rumpel betrays his friends (AGAIN), and turns his ex-wife into Giant Sperm, which, if nothing else, is a really great way to get closure on a bad relationship.

On the bright side, if Milah just keeps swimming, there’s a really good chance she can Find Nemo.

In Grave Danger

underbrooke

With Hook now safely by her side, Emma decides to get on with the plan to split her heart into two, so Hook can take half of it, and use it to return from the dead. But when a newly re-magicked Regina tries to remove Emma’s heart, it won’t budge. Why?

It turns out that Emma is technically dead now too. See, when Hook refused to choose for Hades three souls to banish to the Underworld, Hades chose for him. And the winners are: Emma, Regina and Snow White.

This might be a good time for Snow White to decide she’s drippy Mary Margaret again. It could be her Get Out of Hell Free Card, just saying.

good plan

Hit Me With a Baby One More Time

cash in

cash in 2

Rumpel returns to Hades eager for the latter to make good on his part of the bargain to send Rumpel home. But Hades has other plans, plans that involve Rumpel’s balls. You see, early in the episode, Rumpel used one of his balls to spy on Belle, but broke it in the process. Now, at the end of the episode, Hades uses another of Rumpel’s balls to spy on Belle again, this time revealing she’s pregnant!

whoa baby

(This is super good news for the actress who plays Belle, who also happens to be pregnant. This means the character doesn’t have to spend nine months hiding behind tables and “carrying heavy boxes” to hide her increasingly growing baby bump.)

ouat 4.1 belle

But here’s the clincher. The Fat Guy from Kiss is in the Underworld, and Hades has bought out the contract he made with Rumpel for his second born. This means that Rumpel has to do Hades bidding, or else Belle’s baby will have to get really used to wearing the color red, and eating his or her baby food with a pitchfork . . .

scared baby gif

Until next time, Oncers!

Cross-posted on Happy Nice Time People.

 

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