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I’m not crying . . . It’s just raining on my face. – A Recap of Pretty Little Liars’ “The Blonde Leading the Blind”

Greetings, my Pretties!  Oh, rainy days!  They can be good for so many things . . . like staring longingly out the window . . . or staring longingly out the window AND CRYING . . . or stopping traffic with a soggy, impromptu, supposedly secret, makeout session.

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Rain can make our secret emotions bubble up to the surface.  It can also give us REALLY bad hair . . .

Remember Paige?  Nobody else does . . .

This week’s rainy day installment of Pretty Little Liars was filled with shocking reveals, terrifying twists, lies, betrayals, makeups, breakups, and a whole lot of very wet faces . . .

But, sadly, no shower scenes . . .

Let’s review, shall we?

Reasons why you should invest in a good lock for your bedroom door . . .

“Well, hello there!  My name is Ian.  I’m your friendly neighborhood pedophile!  Don’t mind me.   I’m just here to install a nifty little video camera in your room, so I can watch you get naked, while in the comfort of my own home.”

When we last left our liars, Hanna was grudgingly allowing her Super Hacker and Formerly Homeless Boyfriend to extract the video files from A’s cell phone.  This week, the girls meet up to examine the fruits of his labor.  What they end up finding is quite fruity (fruitful?)

HANNA: “Ick, Ian is so gross.  Why do I feel the sudden need to take a shower?”

SPENCER: *rolls eyes* “Gee, I wonder!”

The video begins with that little episode of Ian / Ali snuff porn we’ve all seen about eighty times before by now.  “I know you wanna kiss me,” coos Ali humiliatingly to the camera.

Poor girl!  Popular and feared as Ali may have been, her lasting legacy ended up being nothing more than a poorly shot sex tape, and some awkward attempts at pillow talk.  Paris Hilton and Kim Kardashian can relate . . .

The video then rough cuts to later that night.  Now, Creepy Pedo Ian is installing this same camera in Ali’s bedroom, when in walk . . . wait for it . . . Police Boy Garrett and Blind Jenna.  Now, there’s a party I wouldn’t want to attend.

Police Boy Garrett: “You promised there’d be hot chicks at this party!  WTF man?”

Blind Jenna: *clears throat loudly*

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Unfortunately for Spencer, the self-proclaimed “NAT Club” doesn’t dance.  What it does do, is bicker with one another, and search aimlessly for a bunch of videotapes that Ali has apparently stole from the membership.  As for the club’s fourth member, Facelift Vampire Jason, apparently, he’s passed out drunk somewhere . . . drunk ON HUMAN BLOOD . . .

“MWAH-HAHAHA!”

Apparently, NAT club stands for “Never Accomplish Things,” because the threesome (minus one vampire) never find what they are seeking.  They do find Ali’s Magical Mystery Box of SECRETS, however . . . and seem shocked by it’s contents . . .

“So, THAT’S where she’s been hiding our souls . . .”

Of course, we don’t get to see what’s inside the box, because that’s just not how they roll on this show . . .

Then, Police Boy finds out he’s on Candid Creeper Camera, and gets SUPER PISSED at Pedo Ian, for setting him and his lady love up, like that.  I guess Ian was looking for some leverage . . . or perhaps, some company in the showers at the Rosewood Correctional Facility.  Either way, as we know, things didn’t end well for him . . .

. . .  or for Ali, who, we now know, was murdered that same night . . .

“Spencer can’t come to the phone right now . . .”

So, remember two weeks ago, when, in a horny weak moment, Spencer slid into Abs Toby’s Truck of Loooooove, and gave him a tongue bath?

Well, apparently “A” does too.   Because she got an EXTREME CLOSEUP shot of it on camera.  That made “A” angry.  And you wouldn’t like “A” when she’s angry . . .

“Hey Spence .  . . I know you’re freaked out about ‘A’ possibly murdering your boyfriend, and all.   But do you think you could teach me how to kill like that?  I’m testing out some new moves to use on Maya, the next time we go out bar hopping using her completely unnecessary fake ID . . .”

Wouldn’t you know it, not two seconds after Spencer receives that text threatening her boyfriend’s life, who should pull into her driveway, but the Tobster, himself . . .

“This truck is a real chick magnet.”

Abs Toby calls Spencer from his LOOOOOOVE Truck.  This causes Spencer to make the Spencer Face . . .

She then tosses her phone in Emily’s direction, begging her bestie to protect her from the evil sexual urges that are telling her to rush right into that truck and ravage her honey bunny.  Unfortunately for Spencer, Emily’s always been, by far, the worst liar of all the Pretty Little Liars.  Case in point, her words to Abs Toby: “Spencer can’t come to the phone right now,” she says, in robotic answering machine tones . . .

“What?  Why are you looking at me, like that?  Would you rather I have told him we were busy practicing our kissing moves?”

In what’s starting to sound a bit broken record-esque, Abs Toby, once again, begs Emily to tell him what the F is going on with his wackadoo girlfriend, who’s humping him in the car, one minute, and avoiding him like rotten cheese, in the next . . .

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“Pretty please, can I see her?  I’ve recently showered and everything!”

Of course, Emily has no answers that’s she allowed to give him.  So, eventually Toby dejectedly returns to his criminally-under-used-of-late Loooooove Truck, and drives away, sporting a very bad case of these . . .

Everybody Loves a Beard . . .

“Me?  Gay?  Not with this Fozzie Bear hair . . .”

Back at school, the Pretty Little Liars are all complaining about how hard it is to keep their loved ones at bay, in order to protect them from “A”. (Hey!  That rhymed!)  Well, except for Aria, who’s complaining about how Fitzypoo won’t come close enough to Aria to require her protection.  But when Aria gets a little head nod from the curly-haired dude two lunch tables down, the conversation quickly shifts to something on which PLL fans have been speculating ever since the self-proclaimed “Male Little Liar” Holden came to Rosewood a few weeks back . . .

HANNA: *pouts* “Oh!  Aria is so lucky.  I’ve always wanted a gay best friend.”

EMILY: *clears throat loudly*

The PLL girls immediately suspect Holden of being gay, based simply on the fact that he never hit on Aria.  You know, because, apparently, everything with a weiner should want to to stick it in Aria . . .

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To prove her beard is straight, Aria saunters over to Holden and confirms their fake date, for the evening.  Both little liars are strangely evasive about their REAL plans.  But then Aria catches Holden checking out someone who DEFINITELY doesn’t have a weiner, and begins to wonder whether her friends might be jumping the “gay gun” after all . . .

“Well, hello there, little lady.  Ever wonder what it’s like to date a guy who strongly resembles a muppet?”

Be Afraid, Caleb .  . . Be VERY Afraid . . .

“Sure!  I think hacking into a stolen cell phone in public, while sitting two feet away from a cop is a great idea!”

Have you ever had a dream about somebody, and then, when you saw that person the next day, you found yourself irrationally wondering whether that person could tell you had dreamed about them, just by looking at you?  Well, that must be exactly how Caleb feels, when he watches stolen video footage of Police Boy Garrett beating the crap out of Creepy Pedo Ian in Dead Ali’s bedroom, only to find Police Boy Garrett himself, sitting just inches away . . .

“Ahhh, yes.  The camera loves me.  Hey, did I ever tell you about that time I was in the Lizzie McGuire movie?”

Caleb bolts pretty quickly, as soon as lays eyes on the subject of his stolen video . . . so quickly, in fact, that he leaves his keys on the table at the outdoor cafe where he’s working.  Of course, you can count on Police Boy Garrett to inform Caleb of his forgetfulness, in a way that sounds suspiciously like a threat.  Did he know what Caleb was doing?  Probably  . . . it’s not like the idiot tried to hide it at all.  After all, the NAT club KNOWS everything . . . except, perhaps, for where to find it’s own videos . . .

It’s Halloween All Over Again . . .

  . . . maybe that’s why Hanna is dressed up like Pebbles Flintstone . . .

As tends to be the case on this show, the one person who DOESN’T want to play A’s games anymore, ends up being the one to find the next clue.  This time, that person is Hanna.  The blonde is in the process of lecturing the girls to turn Caleb’s STOLEN video contents over to the police (And how exactly are they planning on explaining THAT?  Not to mention the fact that Police Boy Garrett will obviously get to it first), when she “accidentally, opens the head of that ugly doll in which Ali used to hide her own torturous letters from “A,” back in the day.  (There I go, rhyming again . . .)

DOLL: “So THAT’S why my neck’s been killing me lately!”

Most of the letters the girls find were the same ones we saw Ali receive, during the Halloween Special.  And yet, there is another message — signed by “A” herself — that Ali received on that same night, which we never got to see . . . until now . . .

(Side note:  Since most PLL fans generally assumed that the “A” in the letters the girls have been receiving since Season 1 was supposed to stand for Alison, herself, it’s odd that ALISON also got letters from an “A” before she died.  And yet, those fans who believe the Twin Theory of Ali’s murder will find a lot of support for that theory, in this particular clue . . .)

We move into flashback mode, where we are taken back to that faithful Halloween night.  Ali and the girls arrive on her front porch, after Noel Kahn’s “eventful” Halloween party to find a not-so-pleasant surprise . . .

“Someone trashed your porch,” says Captain Obvious Hanna, despite the fact that she’s BEHIND Ali, so Ali clearly saw it first.

Sure enough, there are smashed pumpkins all over Ali’s porch.  One of those pumpkins still has a knife in it’s head, which is attached to a letter hastily scrawled on the back of one of Noel Kahn’s party invitations . . .

“Hey, can you tell me if I have something in my eye?”

The note, which is a thinly-veiled threat to Ali’s pretty little head, ends up being eerily prophetic, especially considering that Ali ended up having her head bashed in by a long metal object . . .  In classic Ali style, she laughs it off, claiming the display is nothing more than a sick joke left by Facelift Vampire Jason’s beer buddies.  And yet, the letter seems to have spooked her enough to insist on the girls spending the night with her at her house.  She clearly doesn’t want to be alone at a time like this.  And, under the circumstances, who could blame her?

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Back in real-time, Spencer unfolds the undoubtedly disturbing letter, and confirms it’s sender.  “A was after Ali, before she was after us,” remarks Little Miss Super Sleuth . . .

Plot?  I hereby pronounce you thickened . . .

The Hypnotic Eyebrows of EEEEEVVVIIILLL . . .

“You are getting very sleepy.  When I snap my fingers, you will wax those hungry caterpillars off your face . . .”

At school, Mona (who’s devastation over her tragic breakup with Bushy Eyebrows Noel has clearly caused her to rip her poor pink shirt to shreds, in an act of mourning) is still giving Hanna the silent treatment, for disobeying the “Hoes before Bros Code,” and not supporting her, during this traumatic time.  In an attempt at closure, Mona skips up to Noel, to very publicly return the necklace he gave her.  But the Bushy Eyebrows win out in the end.  And Noel ends up merely smirking malevolently, as he carelessly tosses the returned necklace in the trash, thereby further exacerbating Mona’s obvious humiliation . . .

Hey Mona . . . a piece of advice: Get back at Bushy Eyebrows, by dating his friend over there.  I mean, that guy is HAWWWWT.  And I bet HE even owns a pair of tweezers .  . .

Hanna rushes to the ladies room to comfort her crying friend.  “He’s a bad guy,” says Hanna, matter-of-factly.  (Ain’t that the understatement of the century?)

“Here, Mona . . . let me lend you my jacket.  I don’t know if you realize this, but there’s a hole in your shirt that is suspiciously close to the nipple area . . .”

“I’ve never met anyone who could lie like that,” sniffles Mona, as mascara runs down her cheeks, raccoon style.  “It’s his eyes . . . I would look in them, and it was like I was hypnotized.”

She’s right . . . those . . . eyebrows . . . so  . . . hairy . . . can’t  . . . look . . . away . . .

(Side note:  I actually think this reference to Noel’s eyes was meant to be an “A” reference.  Since, many times, “A” has been referred to as having “pretty eyes.”  But since I’m almost positive that “A” is a girl, this so-called “clue” kind of fell flat, for me.)

Hanna promises Mona to take her out to dinner for a Bushy Eyebrows Free evening, to which Mona readily agrees.  Once the two leave, we learn that SOMEONE has been listening in on their conversation.  Golly gee, I wonder who that could be?

Surprise!  It’s Blind Jenna . . . who, I guess, didn’t have her eye surgery last week, after all.   (Either that, or she just really likes wearing sunglasses indoors.)  By the way, does anyone else find that Blind Jenna spends an inordinate time lurking in bathrooms?  Maybe she has irritable bowel  syndrome?  That said, Blind Jenna’s listening in on THIS particular conversation, actually has significance later on in the episode . . .

Meet me at the Big Ole Clock . . .

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I wonder if Fitzy is in Aria’s “in” calling network . . . or any of the other little liars’ networks, for that matter.  Because Aria sure does leave him a lot of unanswered voice mails!  You’ve really got to hand it to Aria, though.   She sure is persistent.  We see her here, instructing Fitzy to meet her at 8 p.m. by a big ole clock, to prove to her that the two of them should continue to secretly bone one another.

Over at Hollis a decidedly dejected looking Fitzy stares at his phone for a few loooong seconds, before returning to his work . . .

Forbidden love?  There’s an app for that . . .

Look!  He’s flying . . . or not . . .

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Last week’s episode ended with “A” loosening some hinges on scaffolding in front of Spencer’s house, where Toby used to work as a construction worker.  This week, we get to find out why she did that (assuming, of course, that we never watched the promos, which explain exactly why).  Spencer finds out at school about Toby’s accident, and is understandably devastated .  . . not to mention, she feels partially to blame . . .

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“Oh no!  I hope he didn’t hurt his beautiful abs!”

Spencer and her Spencer face rush to the hospital to find Toby looking surprisingly clean and unblemished (save for an arm cast, considering the major kersplat he made, when he hit the ground . . .

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“Care for some pity sex, considering I nearly DIED for you?”

Oh, I bet you can’t guess who Abs’ Toby’s has for a physician.  I’ll give you hint, he’s GORGEOUS, TASTY, WITTY, has a SUPER SEXY accent, is clearly my future husband, and very well might be the ONLY doctor in Rosewood . . .  Give up?

It’s WRENNNNNNN!  HOOOOOOORAAYY!

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*sighs elatedly. . . takes deep breath*

OK . . . I’m better now.  So, apparently, Wren has not given up on the prospect of a Wrencer courtship.  (This is news, right?)  In a “mark my territory” move that is nearly as effective as peeing on Spencer’s leg, Wren not-so-subtly admits to Abs Toby that he would have married Spencer’s sister if something *cough Spencer’s lips cough* didn’t get in the way.

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(I love how Spencer’s facial expression here is a complete mixture of, “Please stop, you are getting me into trouble,” and “*sings*You REALLY likkkkke me .. . you think I’m sexxxxxxy . . . you want to DATTEEEEE me.”)

The scorching chemistry between these two is not at all lost on Abs Toby, who inquires pointedly, whether there is something Spencer “wants” to tell him.  Cue the text from “A” . . .

 . . . annnnd . .  . Spencer’s speedy departure.  (Bye Wren . . . for now!  We’ll see you soon!  I miss you already!)

That not-so-fresh feeling . . .

One of the really nice things about Spencer dating Toby, and Jenna dating Police Boy Garrett is that we no longer had to witness the vomit-inducing creepiness, of Blind Jenna repeatedly trying to rape her OWN BROTHER . . .

Well, unfortunately, with both couples currently on the outs, it’s . . .

Honestly, I still don’t quite understand the squirm-inducing dynamic of the Toby/Jenna “relationship.”  Take, for example, the speech she makes to him at the hospital.  It is equal parts threatening (“I told you not to go to her house.”  “We’re family whether you like it or not.”) . . . jealous (“She’s haunted.”  “I’m the only one who belongs here.”) . . . and nauseatingly flirtatious (The whole time Jenna is talking to Toby, she’s amorously massaging his leg . . .)

Oh, and to further confuse matters, did I mention that Blind Jenna might have another boyfriend, already?  Or that’s it’s Bushy Eyebrows NOEL?

(Hey, at least we know Noel’s Hypnotic Face Caterpillars can’t hypnotize HER!)

That’s right, when Hanna and Mona head to the restaurant for a Noel-free night on the town, they spot this surprisingly cozy (and yet AWFUL) couple canoodling in the window.   And yet, considering we already know that Blind Jenna overheard the girls’ plans.  They might just be seeing exactly what that biatch wants them to see . . .

But Blind Jenna is not done wreaking havoc all over this episode.  She also has to go and threaten poor Emily at the hospital, and accuse her of WANTING Toby . . . you know . . . in the biblical sense.  HELLO!  Emily’s GAY!  Read the memo, Blind Jenna.  And here I thought you knew everything . . .

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And who’s fault is that, exactly, Blind Jenna?

Meanwhile, in Halebland . . .

Anyone care for an NAT Club Smoothie?

You know that move “The Ring,” where everyone who watches that video with the weird girl popping out of the well dies in SEVEN DAYS?

CALEB: “You know, everyone’s always telling me I look like the male lead in that movie!”

HANNA:  “Oh, you mean the one who ENDED UP DEAD?”

CALEB: “Well . . . yeah . . . but everyone ended up dead, pretty much, except for the lady and her kid, so . . .”

HANNA: “Not helping, Caleb!”

Well, I’m starting to think that’s the case with this USB drive featuring evidence surrounding Ali’s murder.  Hanna, apparently, thinks so too.  Because the minute she learns that Police Boy Garrett might be stalking her boy toy, Hanna lays waste to the USB drive, killing her blender, right along with it . . .

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“You are out of the phone tech business, as of now!”  Hanna warns her boyfriend, in that stern voice typically only used by mommies, and high school principals.

Yeah . . . I don’t know about that, Hanna.  Old habits die hard . . . and some secrets are just too juicy to leave alone . . .

Speaking of alone . . .

Spoby in Crisis . . . AGAIN.

“Awww . . . he looks so cute in there, all doped up on pain killers.  It makes me want to just rush in their, and peek at his abs, one last time.”

Insistent on believing that Abs Toby will never be safe from “A,” as long as the two of them are dating, Spencer asks Emily to do the unthinkable: Dear John Toby for her.  And she does it in the most painful way possible too . .  . by alluding to Spencer’s very real, but not entirely present tense, involvement with another man . . . THIS GUY . . .

As heart-wrenching as it was, this was actually one of my favorite scenes in the episode, simply because of how well-acted it was.  As Emily, Shay Mitchell displayed just the right amount of discomfort, inner turmoil, guilt, and sympathy, over doing something she may or may not agree is the right course of action.  Yet, she knows her friend’s intentions are pure  . . . and wants to honor her wishes . . .

As for Keegan Allen, he portrays Toby in this scene with just the right mixture of hurt, anger, denial, disbelief, and, finally, a grudging, and bewildered acceptance.  Toby asks Emily who the man is with which Spencer is involved.  But deep down, we suspect he already fears he knows the answer . . .

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Poor Wren.  He has no idea what he’s walking into the next morning, when he comes to sign Toby out of the hospital, and is threatened with a beating.  Then again, maybe he does . . .

Cue the maudlin music, the torrential nighttime downpour, and of course, the barrage of rainy faces . . .

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It must have been all that angst, heartache, and RAINNNN that got to me.  Because, when I learned that Toby gave Spencer back the Truck of Loooooooooove, and skipped town (by bus?), leaving only a tersely-worded letter behind, I actually got a little teary . . .

TV Recappers have feelings too, you know . . .

But, in lighter news . . .

How Yoda the College Student Saved Ezria . . .

“A good deed . . . I did do.  But laid . . . I sadly did not get.”

Off our stalwart Aria heads to Philadelphia with Beard Holden on a Date with Destiny . . .

And while the two liars don’t really have enough time to share each other’s Deep Dark Secrets, at least they get that pesky “gay rumor” out of the way.  . .

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OK . . . so, I guess Holden’s not gay.  (He sure could have fooled me.)  He’s doesn’t live in a library (like Caleb).  And he probably never screwed his sister (like Toby), or became addicted to online gambling (like Lucas).  So, what secrets does that leave, exactly? 😉

Sans-beard, Aria traipses off to the Big Ole Clock . . . where she waits . . .

 . . . and waits . . .

“Dammit . . . all this rain is making me have to pee .  . .”

Meanwhile, Fitzy is still in his office, fighting with Yoda student on why the former gave the latter a “B” on his short story . . .

In case you were wondering, the “B” stands for, “B*tch please!  A man’s going to leave his rehearsal dinner to chase after a total stranger?  That’s horse poopy!”

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As Fitzy talks, he begins to realize that he may have adversely graded Yoda student’s paper, due to his having his period being so utterly bereft without his Aria.  And so, being the good little English teacher we know him to be aside from the whole “dating a student” thing, Fitzy kindly agrees to review Yoda student’s story again, when he isn’t in such a fowl mood.  Of course, Yoda student is elated.  So, elated, in fact, that he decides to offer some parting advice to his favorite troubled teacher . . .

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And so, the student has become the teacher.  Inspired by those brilliant words, Fitzy pops into his car, and battles a rain storm, so that he and Aria can stop traffic, engage in one of their trademark slo-mo makeout sessions, carelessly risk getting caught by Aria’s mother, by practically forking in public, and of course, decide to give their relationship another go . . .

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Somewhere north of the Death Star, Yoda Student is doing a little dance of joy . . .

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Got a Secret Can You Keep It . . . From Hanna?

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In what was, perhaps, the most shocking twist of the episode (for me, anyway), Caleb confronts Spencer and Emily to rat out Hanna for the little Information Disappearing Act She Performed with the Blender . . .  Needless to say, Emily and Spencer are LESS than amused . . .

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But then Caleb shocks them even further, by telling them that (1) he kept a copy of the information; and (2) he wants the rest of the PLL’s to keep all of this a secret from Hanna . . . wait for it . . .  to PROTECT HER . . .

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It’s a romantic statement, one that’s clearly filled with good intentions.   And this is undoubtedly why the girls ultimately decide to let Caleb (at least part way) in on their “A” games, and to keep his involvement a secret from Hanna.  Of course, something tells me that Hanna won’t see it that way . . .

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The episode ends with “A” cutting up and burning black-and-white photographs of each of our four main Pretty Little Couples necking . . . you know, because burning stuff is fun . . .

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This reminds me, remember, back in Season 1, when “A” bought those rats that she named “Aria, Emily, Spencer, and Hanna,” and proceeded to MURDER THEM . . .

Yeah, girlfriend REALLY needs to get herself a hobby, STAT!  And that was “The Blonde Leading the Blind” in a nutshell.  Next week on Pretty Little Liars, Hanna gets REVENGE . . . maybe . . . She might just end up crying and pouting, a lot . . .

See you then, my Pretties . . .

[www.juliekushner.com][Fangirls Forever]

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“Lucas Gottesman Sleeps with the Fishes” (well . . . “Fish” . . . to be grammatically correct) – A Recap of Pretty Little Liar’s “Let the Water Hold Me Down”

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Hey, check it out.  Lucas actually has some decent abs, under those too-tight pants, and Hanes Beefy Tees . . . Who knew?

Oh Lucas . . . dear, sweet, dorky, Lucas.  I have a little life advice for you.  The next time you find yourself wrapped up in an illegal online gambling scheme that you don’t want your friends to know about, try not acting like a psycho serial killer, mmmm-kay?

That’s right, my Pretties.  In a twist that surprised positively NO ONE, Lucas revealed himself to be (1) alive, and (2) an addicted gambler.  What was surprising (for me, anyway) was that Lucas didn’t actually act totally bizarre and freak out Hanna, because he was working for A, and felt guilty about it.  He freaked her out, and acted totally bizarre, because he just so happens to be a freaky kind of guy, sometimes . . .

Of course, Lucas wasn’t the only one shown to be hiding skeletons in his closet this week (or, should I say, worms in his Chinese food).   Quite a few other characters on the show were “outed” this week, for various secrets they’ve been keeping.  Also, this week, after a way too long hiatus, A’s snarky text messages are back, Baby!  Hooray!

So, chug down some lake water, and slip into your favorite cashmere sweater set, because it’s time for another Pretty Little Recap . . .

For that Deep Down Body Thirst . . .

When the episode begins, a very soggy Hanna is sitting by the fire, all comfy cozy . . . or . . . at least, she would be comfy, cozy, if she wasn’t terribly frightened about having possibly murdered Rosewood’s Most Adorkable Nerd, in self defense.

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(Just hope there aren’t any mathletes on the jury, Hanna . . .).  Hanna’s pals try to comfort her, by telling her that the police are dredging the lake for bodies, as they speak.  Riiight . . . because that’s what all possible murder suspects like to hear, after a long hard night of beating their homicidal-seeming friend with an oar, until he almost drowns . . .

Aria remarks that she doesn’t consider Lucas a violent guy.  This prompts Hanna to remind her that she’s been so busy sucking face with Fitzy, that she missed the PLL episode where Lucas beat the crap out of Ali’s Ugly Ass Fountain Memorial.  (Remember that, my Pretties?)

Also, apparently, Lucas knows how to swim . . . which is weird, considering he’s allergic to chlorine.

Where did he learn to doggie paddle? In his bathtub?

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Thinking about Lucas’ “fishy” behavior makes Hanna thirsty.  Fortunately, someone has put a thermos of liquor in her pocketbook.   Wait, did I say liquor?  I meant LAKE WATER  . . .

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That’s right.  “A” strikes against poor Hanna with a vengeance, and, of course, a snarky text message to match: “No fun chugging lake water is it?  Choke on this, b*tch!”

Oooh!  Now, that’s what I call a burn, which is probably what Hanna’s going to feel in her stomach, when that lake water comes back up for another cameo appearance.

In other Creepy A news, she’s apparently been stocking up on prepaid cell phones, and hiding them in Spencer’s nana’s attic, while Caleb and Hanna were boning on Spencer’s nana’s couch.

This humps for you, Nana! 

Among the cell phones, creepy dolls, and used condom wrappers, Spencer finds something else in her nana’s attic: a receipt . . . from Smitty’s .  . . in Philly.

I smell a Road Trip!

Still “Holden” onto Fitzy . . .

They say the best way to get over an ex, is to get under someone else.  And that’s probably true, unless you’re Aria.  If you’re Aria, the best way to get over an ex, is to get under that ex again, while telling your parents your under that nerdy childhood friend they seem to like so much.  And this is how Aria comes to accept a date request from that curly-haired muppet Holden .  . .

I see the resemblance, don’t you?

It’s also how she comes to bring him to that exact same lame play she was supposed to attend with Professor Sweater Vest, before Papa Hypocrite and Mama moody got in the way . . .

“Oh No . . .el!”

Who cares that Hanna’s “romantic row” across the lake wound up morphing into the last scene of a bad Lifetime Movie.  Mona is upset, dammit!  She’s just been dumped by her Bushy Eyebrows Boyfriend . . . and less than twenty-four hours after she showed him her “lovely lady lumps,” no less.

Mona + Noel  = Mole?  This relationship was doomed from the start . . . WORST SHIP NAME EVER!

Now, that’s gotta really mess with a girl’s self esteem!  But like I said, Hanna’s got her own problems.  Not only might she have just turned Lucas into Rosewood’s own version of Swamp Thing, she’s also about to LOSE HER Homecoming Crown, because she’s a SUSPECTED Ali Killer . . . Oh the horror!

(I don’t know . . . if I were Hanna, I’d be more concerned about the fact that there was once a MASSIVE CLOSEUP SHOT OF MY FACE in the display case at school.   I mean, that thing was just asking to have a mustache, and black teeth drawn on it.)

Hey, remember Sappy Sean?  Nobody else does . . . 

But, like I said, this isn’t about Hanna!  It’s about Dumped Mona!  And she’s mad that Hanna isn’t down with joining her for a Bushy Eyebrow Boyfriend Bonfire.  What an unsupportive biatch!  (Hey Mona, remember when Caleb left you a letter for Hanna, saying that he loved her, and you poured soda on it, and threw it in the garbage?  I bet Hanna does!)

BUSTED! 

Hypocrisy aside, Mona blows a raspberry in Hanna’s face, and storms off to watch three hours of The Notebook, nonstop, while she cries into an entire tub of Chunky Monkey ice cream.

Feel free to eat your feelings, Mona . . .

Meanwhile, Hanna heads to the ladies room, for her own Cry Fest . . .

In Which Hanna’s Tears Flood the Entire Girl’s Bathroom . . .

What high school girl hasn’t rushed into a stinky bathroom stall for a snot-filled Ugly Cry?  In the next scene, we see Hanna doing exactly that.  But here’s the weird thing, it seems the ENTIRE BATHROOM IS CRYING FOR HANNA.  I mean literally, the whole place fills up with water, that pools at her feet.  (Hey, wasn’t that a scene from Alice in Wonderland . . . the Disney version?)  Undoubtedly, Hanna is wondering which non-Homecoming Queen had the nerve to stop up a toilet, while her highness was sobbing.

However, when she emerges from the bathroom, she learns that the culprit wasn’t an excessive toilet paper user at all!  Instead, it was a really small oarsman, in a teeny tiny boat . . .

(How adorable!)

Buzzzzzz . . . it’s been nearly five minutes since our last message from “A”.  You know what that means . . .

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Kiss the girl . . . unless she knocks you in the back of the head with a phallic-looking wooden object . . .

I don’t know “A” the boat was cute and all.  But I, personally, would have gone with a rubber duckie.  Their squeakier. 🙂

In Which Maya pretends to need a fake ID . . .

Emily gets a weird phone call, from a blocked cell phone number.  But she doesn’t screen it, because, apparently, she’s a moron.  The person on the other end of the line is a mixture of seductive and creepy.  Is it “A”?

That depends . . . do you think Maya is “A?” I do!  I do!  Because that’s who ends up being on the other end of the line.  She wants Emily to get her a fake ID, so that she can pretend she’s not 40 so that the two can go clubbing . . . or something.  Emily decides to offer her new/old girlfriend Aria’s fake ID, because, apparently, the two are going to a bar for the blind.

TWINSIES!

Then, Maya gets a mysterious call, and has to get off the phone ASAP.  We know it’s “mysterious,” because Maya makes the Spencer Face, when she gets it.

Golly gee, I wonder who it could be?

No Sex on Spencer’s Nana’s Couch , Tonight!

The Honeymoon’s over for Haleb, and it’s all Lucas’ fault.  Damn, that Lucas and his shady, possibly dead, ways!  How dare he come between this sexy super couple.  Now, how’s baby Haleb supposed to be conceived on Spencer’s Nana’s couch?

Here’s what the fight is about.  Caleb wants to go find Lucas, and Hanna would prefer he rot at the bottom of the lake.  Well, not really.  But based on how she’s acting, you certainly can’t blame Caleb for thinking that.  He’s also pissed at Hanna for not being “honest” with him . . . (says the guy who was hired by Blind Jenna to stalk her, and who, up until recently, made a living hacking and stealing people’s cell phones).  But hey, nobody is perfect, right?

Don’t answer that . . . 

Anywhoo .  . . Caleb’s going to go back to Spencer’s lake house, and check nana’s couch with a blacklight for any sign of sperm that’s not his own.  He’s such a super sleuth, that Caleb.   Then again, knowing Caleb, he could probably save himself a lot of trouble, and car mileage, by simply hacking Lucas’ phone . . . or maybe even checking his computer for “strange” web activity?

Most guys just stick with porn . . . 

I See Blind People . . .

Meanwhile, Spencer and Aria are chilling in Philly, right outside Smitty’s, which ends up being nothing more than a lame magazine stand.  Talk about a wasted trip!  But, here’s the kicker .  . . well, there are two kickers actually.  (1) Smitty’s is right by Psycho B*tch Melissa’s apartment.  As for the second kicker, we won’t find out what it is, until Aria conveniently exits, stage left.

Mere minutes later, Spencer finds herself surrounded by . . . wait for it . . . BLIND PEOPLE . . . LOTS AND LOTS OF BLIND PEOPLE . . . AND THEIR LITTLE DOGS TOO.  This, understandably frightens Spencer, who’s only experience with blind people has been through the frightening, flute playing, brother f*&king one one, who may, or may not have gotten Spencer ARRESTED for a murder she didn’t commit.

“I also ate my seeing eye dog . . . “

 Given that, can you blame Spencer for being a little Blindist?

Nevertheless, Spencer follows the Blind People Parade to a Building for Blind People.  (An Existential, But Possibly Offensive, Riddle:  If there is a building that no one ever sees, does it really exist?)

Spencer talks to the Building for Blind People’s receptionist, in an attempt to get information about Blind Jenna.  Unfortunately, Building for Blind People’s receptionist is just too tough of a nut to crack.

But lest Spencer be forced to make her Face again, Someone magically appears to help her in her hour of need.  Question: Who could it be?  Answer: THIS GUY . . .

Apparently, one of the perks of enrolling in the Building for the Blind is a free curling iron . . .

OMG!  It’s that guy from Glee . . . you know, the one Blaine was in love with for one episode.  Apparently, being serenaded by the Warblers, made the poor guy go blind!  Oh, the humanity!

Anywhoo . . . apparently, Blind Jeremiah (or whatever his name was supposed to be in this show) just looooooooved Blind Jenna, because she was so kind and supportive, or whatever.  She also seemed really determined to graduate from Blind Building, so she could do stuff .  . . you know, like torturing fellow high schoolers, and screwing  siblings and police boys.  Blind Jeremiah also cryptically notes that Blind Jenna is totes awesome at “reading people” and feeling up their arms, to determine if their pulse is racing.  How’s that for foreplay?  Something tells me if Spencer wasn’t madly in love with Abs Toby, she’d be all over this blind hand-fondling hunk of man meat .  . .

But alas, this is a “working vacation.”  And Spencer has evidence to steal .  . .

That’s right, my Pretties.  In a twist of convenient ridiculousness that only can exist on this show, Spencer notices that Blind Building keeps books containing the signatures of ALL THE PEOPLE WHO EVER VISITED THERE right behind the desk . . . for fond memories, I guess (which would make a lot more sense, if people signed in using braille).  I love that Spencer immediately thought to look up the sign out book for OVER A YEAR AGO, and it just happened to be RIGHT THERE FOR THE TAKING.  (Talk about a waste of precious trees, and space!  Who the hell else would be interested in a bunch of names and times from a year ago, aside from Spencer?)

All sense of logic aside, when Spencer flips through the book, she learns that Police Boy Garrett signed Jenna out of Blind Building on the night of Ali’s murder AND NEVER SIGNED HER BACK IN . . .

Silly Garrett, you signed your lover out of her blind house to commit a murder, and USED YOUR REAL NAME?  Did your parents drop you on the head one too many times as a baby?

DOH! 

Speaking of people who might be brain damaged . . .

Mona Goes Shopping . . .

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In a scene that’s so useless, it’s only purpose seems to be to make Mona look like she might be “A,” Spencer runs into the recently dumped chickee, right outside the subway station, on the way back from her trip to Blindland . . . er . . . I mean Philly.  Apparently, Mona’s been trying out a little retail therapy, of the Ugly Sweater Set variety.  So, if she shows up for next week’s episode looking like this . . .

But hey, it could have been worse.  She could have bought THIS sweater . . .

The Case of the Mysterious Maya . . .

Maya is acting “weird.”  She keeps getting text messages, and making funny faces.  Emily worries that Maya might be getting stalked by “A.”  Why not?  Everybody else is!  Except, since I think Maya IS actually “A,” that can’t really be the case, can it?

Fortunately, unlike with the whole Lucas Fiasco, the writers don’t make us wait a week to find out.  As it turns out, Maya met someone at Druggie / De-gaying Camp.  They started to date, and things went sour.  (Boooriinng!) Oh, but that’s not all, Maya’s “date” was a HE!

“Whatchu talking about, Maya?” 

OK . . . so, I have a theory about this.  Wanna hear it?  (Too bad, I’m going to tell you anyway.)

Maya’s stalker ex boyfriend is . . . wait for it . . . Bushy Eyebrows NOEL!

It makes sense, doesn’t it?  Especially considering how Noel’s dumping of Mona coincided almost exactly with Maya’s “mysterious text message” receipts AND how both characters were “absent” around the same time.

If this is true . . . Maya better watch out . . . because those slimy caterpillars over Noel’s eyeballs are not the type to  take no for an answer . . .

Because Arthur Miller Plays are Sexy .  . .

When most people see their ex, while their out on a date with somebody else, they do this . . .

But not Fitzy and Aria.  Nooo sir . . . these two star crossed lovers prefer to walk . . . toward . . . each . . . other . . . in  . . . slooooooo . . . . mooooo . . . while . . . verrrry . .  . cheesyyy . . . muuuussiiiic .  . . plays . . . in . . . the . . . background . . .

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Poor . . . poor, probably gay, anyway, Holden!  How exactly does one compete with millions of teeny tiny violins, and enough Fitzy tears to flood an entire theater filled with old people.  (Because, really, who else under the age of 55, goes to see Arthur Miller plays, unless they are doing it extra credit?)  Then again, if anyone knows a thing or two about “extra credit,” it’s Aria Montgomery . . .

Speaking of 55-year olds, Fitzy’s bad experiences with Wacky Jackie have caused him to completely swear off girls his age.  Case in point . . . his date to the theater . . .

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Then again, this isn’t the first time, Fitzy’s chosen to bring a chaperone along on his sort-of date with Aria . . .

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Aria is crushed, when Fitzy makes his big wet puppy eyes at her, but escapes the theater, without even so much as trying to cop a feel . . .

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But don’t worry Ezria fans, unlike Aria’s mom, and that random middle-aged lady, Possibly Gay Holden is totally cool with being used / playing a third wheel to Professor Romeo and Underage Juliet.   In fact, it kind of turns him on!

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  So, can Aria and Fitzy trust Holden to be their beard?

I think so.  Anyone who’s brings gummy bears on a first date can’t be too evil, right?

He’s Baaaaaack!

It’s a dark stormy night despite the fact that it wasn’t raining a moment ago, when Aria went on her date . . . or when Spencer went to Philly . . . or when Emily went out clubbing with Maya.  Hanna is sitting on her steps in the dark, feeling sorry for herself .  . . and possibly trying to save electricity?  Suddenly, the window opens . . . so she goes to close it.  (Sounds like a pretty sensible thing to do, right?)

But then, when she turns her back for a second, we see DIRTY FOOTSTEPS ON THE FLOOR.  And we all know those dirty footprints can only come from one person?

(Geez, Lucas!  You’d think you’d have learned by now to wipe your feet before commiting misdemeanors . . .)  Under the circumstances, you really can’t blame Hanna for thinking that Lucas is trying to kill her.  (She did, after all, sort of / kind of try to kill HIM.)

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Also, he’s not exactly looking like an upstanding citizen, right now . . .

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When Caleb arrives at the house to find Lucas looming seemingly threateningly over Hanna, not-Seth Cohen has some SERIOUS explaining to do . . .

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Get ready to feel incredibly guilty, Hanna.  Apparently, Lucas’ Big Water Confession was not that has was working for “A”, but that he had spent all of Caleb’s phone hacking stash betting on basketball games.  (I don’t know . . . it sure sounded a lot worse than that, when he was calling the SUICIDE HOTLINE!)  So, where has Lucas been all this time, if not skulking around with “A” or sleeping with the fish, you ask?  It appears our nerdy high roller has been out trying to sell his comic stash for some quick cash to pay back his friend, Spongebob Squarepants . . .

Caleb takes the news surprisingly well.  But Lucas can’t help but notice how quiet Hanna has gotten, since he made his confession . . .

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Poor Lucas undoubtedly took the above statement as some kind of judgment from Hanna.  But just as Hanna did earlier, when she smacked Lucas upside the head in the middle of a lake, he might very well have misread the situation.   After all, Hanna, of all people, knows what it’s like to do Very Bad Things for money.  (Remember when “A” paid her to dance with Lucas, using the money her mom stole from that old lady?)

I actually think Hanna meant the line in an oddly positive way, as in “I’m glad you’re not A’s evil henchman, who beat  Emily with garden tools, because she showed him an empty box . . .

Poor Lucas!  If only he knew . . .

“I’m not crying . . . It’s just raining on my face.” 

I Ordered my Worms without MSG!

Later that night, the girls order Chinese takeout, and find a special surprise in their lomaine . . .

Noel’s eyebrows!  How did you get in there? 

I guess they should have stuck with the fried rice . . .

In the final scene of the episode, Gloved Hand tinkers with Toby’s architecture stand thingy . . .

It looks like another Pretty Little Boyfriend is going to end up all wet . . . I hope this one isn’t allergic to chlorine . . .

As for next week’s PLL installment, be on the look-out for more A shenanigans, Pretty Little Boys in danger, and, of course, Spencer Face . . .

 You can check out the Canadian promo here:

And it’s American counterpart here:

Don’t cry, my Pretties!  PLL will be back before you know it!

[www.juliekushner.com][Fangirlsforever]

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Row, Row, Row Your Boat . . .- A Recap of Pretty Little Liars’ “A Hot Piece of A”

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Things we learned from this week’s installment of Pretty Little Liars:

(1) If you are a high school student in crisis (which I really hope none of your are), and need to consult with the Crisis Hotline, be sure to call the one that’s three towns over.  There’s a really good chance someone you know is working at YOUR crisis center.  And he or she will soon learn all of your dirty little secrets . . .

(2) If you are going to take a picture of four hideous-looking dolls on your camera phone,  don’t put them in front of the ugly floral wallpaper!  Put them on a couch, and then pose them, so that they look like they are doing something dirty.  It’s just funnier that way . . .

(3) If your significant other’s father randomly comes to your apartment at night, and threatens you with police action, don’t fret . . . just scream, “Please stop touching me there.  No means no,” loud enough for all the neighbors to hear.  That should shut him up . . .

(4) If it is pitch black out, and you are in the middle of nowhere, there is really no good reason for you to be in a canoe . . . NONE . . . consider a motor boat, jet ski, or luxury cruise liner, instead.

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Hello, my Pretties!  Oh, how I adore this show, let me count the ways . . .   This week’s PLL installment featured a couple reunion, a couple implosion, some deliciously X-rated allusions to Spencer’s Nana’s couch, and HIGH SEAS INSANITY, COURTESY OF A SELF-DESTRUCTING LUCAS . . .

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(Good thing it wasn’t a pool . . . We all know how allergic he is to chlorine.)

So, strap on a life jacket, and polish up your rowing skills, because it’s time for another Pretty Little Recap . . .

Emily has Glass in her Hair!  Someone call the Wahhhhhhmbulance!

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Now that the girls have all come down from the high of potentially finding A’s cell phone, Emily has decided she’s super pissed at the girls for leaving her to battle “A” in the greenhouse ALL BY HERSELF.  And while her anger is TOTALLY justified, if I were her, I’d be wayyy more upset about the fact that I was BEATEN UP BY GARDEN TOOLS, than the fact that I had GLASS IN MY HAIR.  I mean, the latter even sounds kind of fashionable . . .

Anywhoo . . . Spencer immediately insists that the girls call on Hanna’s hacking beau, Caleb, to download data off the phone.  Considering how determined she is to keep her OWN boyfriend out of “A’s” crosshairs, this seems more than a bit hypocritical of her.  Hanna agrees with me, telling Spencer that she is not one of her “winged monkeys.”

Woo-hoo!  A Wizard of Oz reference! 

She hilariously insists that the girls use someone who’s a bit more . . .  um . . . remote to hack into the phone . . .

 

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Awww, now Hanna . . . that’s just plain racist . . .

Caleb offers the girls some “Technical Support.”

ARIA: “Hey Hanna, come look!  Caleb’s got naked pictures of you on his computer . . .”

SPENCER: “Is that my Nana’s couch?” 

So, the good news is that Caleb found a lot of major,  potentially incriminating, data on “A’s” cell phone . . .

The bad news is that he can’t access any of it (aside from one lame doll picture), because the phone’s owner cleverly trashed all of it’s content, remotely, using his computer.

Also in the “bad news” column . . . Emily smells like mulch . . .

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Caleb is going to need a bit more time to recover the phone’s files.  He looks to Hanna, who’s been unusually quiet, this entire time, for approval of his continued involvement.  She reluctantly agrees.  However, she refuses to involve him any further in this mess, by giving him more information on the subject.

This annoys Caleb, obviously.  But not enough for him to give up all the hot bunny rabbit sex, these two have apparently been having lately . . .

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(I don’t know about you, but I’d personally be VERY interested in the “other ways” they’ve been naked . . . But I guess we will have to wait for PLL to get picked up by HBO or Showtime, before we can find out . . .)

When the Spoby Mobile is a-rockin’ . . .

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Last week, if you recall, I was rather annoyed at BOTH Abs Toby and Spencer, for acting like total douchebags to one another.  Abs Toby acted like a douchebag, because he basically stalked Spencer, made her a lame rocking chair, and didn’t know how to leave well enough alone.  Spencer acted like a douchebag (Can we call girls douchebags?), because she rudely and angrily froze Abs Toby out, even though there’s a good chance he could have helped her out, if she simply let him in, a little bit . . .

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That said, I’m happy to report that both members of this couple completely redeemed themselves (at least in my eyes), this week.  I was proud of Spencer for confronting Abs Toby, apologizing for her earlier behavior, and admitting that she still cared deeply for him, even if she couldn’t tell him everything about what was going on in her life.  I was also proud of Abs Toby for accepting that Spencer had her reasons for continuing to keep him in the dark on certain things, and for making out with her, like a BAMF!

 

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Do I smell little babies with six packs, in this couple’s future?

Trouble in Paradise for the Most Disgusting Couple EVER?

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Did you ever notice how every time Spencer and Toby make out in his Looooooove Mobile, they end up overhearing a conversation that ends up being crucial to the plot?  Now, if that’s not an excuse to car bang ALL THE TIME, I don’t know what is!

This time around, Spoby overhears Police Boy Garrett arguing on the phone with Blind Jenna, who has apparently dumped his ass, over one of their EEEEEEVILL plans going horribly awry.  Police Boy Garrett is clearly a moron . . . one who obviously doesn’t understand the concept of using his “telephone voice.”  It’s no wonder the ENTIRE TOWN didn’t hear him bitching to Jenna about “messing things up last night,” and “getting someone else involved.”

Cue Spencer Face . . .

Abs Toby suggests that the pair might be fighting over Blind Jenna’s stress regarding her upcoming operation.  But Spencer immediately assumes they are referring to the girls’ botched meeting with “A”, the night before . . . a meeting about which EVERYONE in Rosewood oddly seems to have intimate knowledge.  (They must really like their greenhouses, in that town . . .)

Later, Abs Toby confronts Police Boy Garrett, and it’s kind of cool to see the tables between these two turned, for once . . .

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Apparently, Blind Jenna had some fancy limo take her to Boston (or at least to the airport), for her fancy eye surgery.  (Uh oh!  It looks like Blind Jenna might have to get a new nickname.)  Police Boy Garrett is miserable over this, because he didn’t get to take her highness, himself.  He’s desperate to know whether she went with another man.  (Ummm . . . I would kind of think her parents took her?  Getting Not-Blind-Surgery is usually the kind of thing Mom and Dad like to be in on . . . just sayin’.)

To Police Boy’s credit (though it does make him seem more than a bit pathetic), he seems to genuinely love that creepy, flute playing witch, and is more concerned for her well being, than anything else.  Abs Toby, of course, basically tells him not to bother.  “Blind Jenna uses people up, and spits them out, like chewing tobacco,” Toby explains, more or less.  She clearly did that to Abs Toby, which is just too disturbing for words, if you ask me . . .

*makes vomit noises*

I hope, for Police Boy Garrett’s sake, that Blind Jenna decides to stay in Boston.  This way, he can go back to dating Lizzie McGuire, and everyone can be happy!

Ezria gets by with a little help from their friends  . . .

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Things have gotten mighty rocky in Ezria land, ever since last week’s Declaration of Love that Went Horribly Awry  . . .

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Now, Aria’s parents are keeping her on lockdown, saddling her with a dress code, limiting her PLL Girl Time, and trying to set her up with random guest stars named “Holden.”

I’m willing to reserve judgment, until I learn more.  But I don’t like his hair. 

To make matters worse, when Aria calls Fitzy on the phone, he either screens her calls and doesn’t pick up, or, flat out, tells her not to call anymore!

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But despite all the doom and gloom, the Pretty Little Liars have managed to rally around this couple, each finding ways to show their support.  Hanna (who, not so long ago, had to endure the ignominy of having a parent who didn’t approve of her choice of boyfriend) gallantly takes the time to travel out to Hollis college, to tell Fitzy she’s on Team Ezria.  (And as sweet as the scene between them was, I thought it was kind of funny that Fitzy made Hanna leave the door open, while she was making her speech.  Hey, at least he’s learning!)

Back at Rosewood, Emily, in a speech that manages to be both respectful, and decidedly bold, reminds Aria’s mother that Aria is exactly the same person she was, before Mommy Dearest learned she was boning her former English Professor . . .

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You tell her, Sista!  (As we will see a bit later, Emily’s brief words may have gone a long way in warming Mama Montgomery’s heart . . . if not necessarily to the idea of “Ezria,” at least to the idea that Aria shouldn’t necessarily be judged poorly for what happened between them.

On the other hand . . .

Byronnnnn = Moronnnnnnnn

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“Ooh . . . a knock on the door late at night . . . I hope it’s a booty call.”

“Doh!” 

OK . . . OK . . . I understand that most parents wouldn’t be entirely cool with the idea of their sixteen year old girl dating a guy in his mid-twenties, who used to be her teacher.  But honestly, there was just something so disturbing about Byron hunting down Fitzy in his home to “lay down the law.”  For starters, there was that remark he made about him having, “gone to parties in this building . . . with my slutty student girlfriend Ella.”  Seriously, why would you tell that to someone you are about to threaten?

But the best was the part where Byron admitted that HE himself, had difficulty navigating “student /  teacher” relationships.  However, because HIS former honey happened to be two years older than Aria, THAT makes him a better person than Fitzy.  (Never mind the fact that BYRON is probably old enough to be HIS ex-girlfriend’s daddy . . . Oh, and HE’S MARRIED!!!)

I feel like I would have felt less  put off by this conversation, if it was ELLA making the threats, as opposed to Byron.  And then, when Papa Doucheface took things further, by threatening to call the police . . . well that was just TOTALLY uncalled for  . . . (and kind of made me hope that his girlfriend 1 . . . ends up to have been lying about her age, and is really just an incredibly intelligent, and rapidly aging, 14-year old; 2 . . .  happens to be pregnant with his spawn).  I know . . . I’m evil . . .

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*pees in pants* 

Remember when I mentioned how Emily’s words in support of Aria’s honor influenced Mama Montgomery to come around a bit on the whole Fitzy situation?  Well, we get to see that, firsthand, in the following scene, when she blasts MoronByron for considering going to the police, and ruining HIS OWN daughter’s already-tarnished reputation, in the process.  She also says this: “We raised our daughter to be independent, and open minded.  That means we don’t get to be shocked, when that is exactly who she is.”

BRAVO, Miss Montgomery!  That might very well be the smartest thing you’ve said all season . . .

That said, Mama Montgomery may have only been faking “smart.”  Because she sure falls fast for Aria’s ridiculously obvious lie that she has a date with “Holden,” when it’s crystal clear, she wants to see Fitzy, instead  . . .

Oops! 

What Lucas has in common with Spongebob Squarepants . . .

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By the end of this episode, they are both all wet and soggy? 

Lucas has been acting kind of strange, lately . .  . stranger than usual,  I mean.  Whereas our adorkable brunette used to practically do cartwheels, just for the opportunity to be within spitting distance of Hanna, he’s become surprisingly cool with her .  . . trying desperately to make excuses as to why they can’t study together.  He’s also been more than a bit b*tchy to Caleb, even though the two are usually, as Hanna describes them, “like Patrick and Spongebob.”

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Typically nerdy to the extreme, and a veritable fountain of knowledge on all subjects, Lucas seems oddly distracted and un-helpful, during his and Hanna’s Civil War Study Session.  He also seems to have no desire to help Hanna throw a birthday surprise party for her beau, at Spencer’s lake house where the two boned on Nana’s couch . . . ahh . .  memories.

Lucas sights “money issues,” as the reason behind his unwillingness to party plan.  I actually think there is more to this statement than meets the eye.  It may even be the reason why Lucas ended up doing what he did . . .

But more on that theory, later . . .

For now, Lucas is being weird, and Hanna is being completely oblivious, drunk as she is on Caleb love, and dreams of expanding the ways in which she and her beau can see one another naked, in the future . . .

Something tells me that later, Hanna will be kicking herself, for not picking up on the signs that something was very, very wrong . . .

1-800-Don’tHurtHanna!

Over at the LEAST ANONYMOUS CRISIS HOTLINE EVER  . . . Emily is performing her community service responsibilities.  So, of course, as part of her “training,” she is asked to read a transcript from a call that came in the night before (Now why wouldn’t you use an older transcript than that?  That just seems in bad taste to me?).  And, of course, the caller seems to have a lot in common with Emily’s attacker from the night before.

What a coinky-dink!  Mystery caller just seemed to BLAB on about screwing up, and “almost getting caught” and “shutting it down,” and “wanting to kill himself.”  Wait . . . WHAT????!!!!

Sh*t just got REAL!

Upon hearing about Emily’s experience, Spencer decides that SHE should volunteer at the call center too  out of the kindness of her heart.  How fitting then, that shortly after Spencer arrives Mystery Caller calls again, and that AWFUL Crisis Manager decides it would be a great idea to have the girls LISTEN IN, on this poor soul’s suicidal rantings.  (Note to self . . . never call a crisis center, EVER!)

Oh, but here’s the thing about Mystery Caller.  He just so happens to have a very recognizable voice . . .

“That’s LUCAS!” 

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Now, the PLL girls are convinced that Lucas is the one who attacked Emily in the greenhouse that night, and, resultantly lost his cell phone.  It would stand to reason then, that Lucas somehow, got roped into working for “A” and/or Police Boy Garrett and Blind Jenna.  I think this is probably a good assumption.

But the real question is HOW involved is he, and WHY is he involved?   Because, while certainly not innocent, I don’t think Lucas is nearly as evil or nutso, as the PLL girls seem to think he is, by the end of the episode.

Why nutso, you say?  Because at the end of his little convo with Worst Crisis Center Manager EVER, he says this: “I never wanted to hurt anybody . . . now I HAVE TO . . .”

Lucas dips his toe further into the Wackjob Pool, when Emily “conveniently” finds herself at the Crisis Center again, just minutes before Caleb’s surprise party, and happens to pick up the phone, herself, when Lucas calls a third time . . .

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Of course, Emily thinks Lucas is talking about Hanna.  And I think he is too.  I just don’t think he’s actually talking about killing her.  I suspect his intentionally vague words have more to do with the fact that he’s planning to come clean to her about his involvement in the whole “A” fiasco.   But he knows that the minute she finds out what he’s done to her and her friends, their friendship will be over.  I also think Lucas got roped into working with “A” as a result of . . . wait for it  . . . gambling debt.  Remember the sports betting page from earlier?

Mmmmm- hmmmm!

But that’s neither here, nor there.  The important thing to remember, right now, is that Lucas is acting a couple of pawns short of a chess game.  So, Emily needs to get to the lake house, ASAP . . . BEFORE IT’S TOO LATE!!!!

“I can’t watch!  It’s all too INTENSE!” 

“We’re having a party . . . everybody’s . . . swimming?”

It’s Caleb’s surprise party, and everyone’s there . . .  even people who weren’t technically invited . . .

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 . . . like Mona and Bushy Eyebrows Noel (haven’t seen him in a while, have we?).  Spencer is lurking around the attic, when she randomly moves some boxes, and discovers the same ugly wallpaper from the creepy doll photograph on Lucas’ (?) cell phone.  You know what that means, don’t you? “A” was IN THE HOUSE!

Geez!  It seems like EVERYBODY gets busy on Spencer’s Nana’s couch!  (She should start charging rent, by the hour!)  Spencer then has a weird run-in with Lucas,  who claims to be “looking for tools,” and also seems to have surprisingly intimate knowledge of the room, despite, supposedly, having never been there before.  The usually fearless Spencer, looks genuinely frightened of Mr. Adorkable (who is now sweating like a pig, and not looking so hot AT ALL), and runs away like a frightened mouse . . .

Enter Emily (wow, she got there fast!), who warns Lucas not to do anything CRAZY (you know . . . like beat people with garden tools), and tells him that Hanna will probably forgive him, provided he doesn’t . . . you know . . . murder her.

“I’ll keep that in mind,” Lucas thinks to himself, before deciding to take Hanna on a “romantic canoe cruise” to set off some fireworks.  Ruh roh!

“If you put me in the hospital again, Lucas Gottesman, we are SO not Facebook friends, anymore  . . .” 

In what was honestly, the most frightening PLL moment I’ve experienced in quite some time, Lucas and Hanna ride across the lake in silence, as Hanna finally catches on to the Lucasy-weirdness her friends have been warning her about.  By the time he stops rowing, grabs the oars from her hands, and sternly tells her to “sit down,” while suffering from a bad case of “Crazy Eyes,” our spunky blonde is truly terrified, and near tears.

“If you kill me, Caleb and I will never be able to have sex on Spencer’s Nana’s toilet!  (We’ve always wanted to do that.)” 

To make matters even more frightening, Spencer and Emily are now across the lake, frantically screaming at Hanna, and telling her to get the f*ck out of there.  “Don’t make this any harder for me, than it already is,” says Lucas, rising to his feet.  (That’s right, Lucas.   You tell Hanna how insensitive she’s being, for not rejoicing in the “alone time” she’s getting to spend with your seemingly crazy ass.)

On impulse, Hanna appears to knock Lucas overboard with one of her oars.

“But I’m allergic to chlorine, which means I probably can’t swim!  And if you think that once I’m dead, I’m going to help you remove all those unflattering pictures of you online, you are sadly mistaken!”

With Lucas literally “swimming with the fishes” but probably not dead . . . yet, Hanna tries frantically to paddle to shore.  But then, someone CAPSIZES her boat.  Was it Lucas?  I DON’T THINK SO!  I’ll tell you why, in just a bit . . .

Things look REALLY bad for Hanna . . . at least for a few seconds, until we see her doggie paddling to the shore like a PRO!  (Emily will be SOOO proud!)

(She’s not allergic to chlorine!) 

As Spencer and Emily pull a breathless, and pale Hanna to the shore, Bushy Eyebrows and Mona magically appear SOAKING WET!  They claim to have randomly decided to take a “sexy dip in the lake,” while Hanna and Lucas were DROWNING.  Sounds reasonable, right?

And, if you believe that, I have a bridge to sell you in Brooklyn . . .

Man, does EVERYONE on this show work for “A”?  (BTW, Mona is currently my top choice for “A.”  Because Blind Jenna just seems too obvious.  As for my second choice?  Maya .  . . just because it would be so completely out of left field, that it would make me giggle.)

If the letter fits . . .

In an unintentionally hilarious moment, Poor Caleb chooses this moment to arrive at the Birthday Party that will Never Be . . .

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At least he’ll still get to eat that really pretty chocolate birthday cake Hanna baked for him!

In the final moments of the episode, we see yet another hooded figure fishing Lucas’ sneaker out of the water . . .

(For those of you who don’t remember, Lucas’ sneakers had a cameo on this show, back in Season 1, when we found out he destroyed Ali’s memorial?)

So, is Lucas gone for good?  No, he’s in next week’s promo.  It’s too early to tell.  But one things for sure.  After his little “boat ride” with Hanna, someone sure as hell has a lot of explaining to do . . .

Now . . . promos for next week . . . you want ’em?  We’ve got em  . . .

(Once again, CANADA WINS!  Come on, USA!  Get with the program!)

So, how did you like “Hot Piece of A?”  How crazy is Lucas, really?  Do you actually believe Bushy Eyebrows and Mona about their “late night swim?”  What the f*#k are we supposed to call Blind Jenna after her surgery? Are you happy for Spoby?  Miserable for Ezria?  And perhaps most importantly, WHO DO YOU THINK IS A?

Please sound off, in the comments section below.  Until next time, My Pretties!

[www.juliekushner.com][Fangirls Forever]

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