Ryan Kwanten: Where are you going? Where have you been (all my life)?

It’s times like these when I wish my laptop screen had a “3D” option . . .

You know him as Jason Stackhouse — Sookie’s dim-witted, but VERY loveable, huggable, kissable and MUCH MORE-able older brother on HBO’s hit series, True Blood.

Truth be told, you probably knew someone like Jason Stackhouse in high school (though, no where NEAR as hot as he is, I imagine).  At first glance, Jason seems like the quintessential “dumb jock” . . .

 . . . a high school football star (Starting Quarterback, to be exact), who has a real way with the ladies . . .

 ALL the ladies (and the MEN too) . . .

But here’s the thing about this “way” he has with the ladies (and men) . . . it gets him into trouble sometimes . . .

OK .  . . A LOT of times.  And the fact that he has a bad temper, certainly doesn’t help matters . . .

Jason is the kind of guy who shoots first, and asks questions later.

And the questions he DOES ask, often leave you as confused as he is  . . .

And that is VERY confused!

Wait . . . why should I tell you all this, when I can SHOW you?

Now, some of the aforementioned traits may seem like negative attributes, but there are  lots of great things about Jason too!  For one thing, he has a childlike sensibility.  Jason is a TRUE believer . . .

 

. . . in SANTA CLAUS . . .

 . . . and ANGELS !

Plus, he is always a loyal friend and confidant.

Did I mention, he is HIGHLY flexible?

And INSANELY good in bed?

But perhaps the BEST person to explain Jason Stackhouse to you, would be Jason himself . . .

OK.  So, now that we’ve met the character he plays, Jason Stackhouse, we are pretty clear on where Ryan Kwanten IS.  But WHERE HAS HE BEEN?

Well, for starters, Ryan Kwanten was born on November 28, 1976 in Sydney, New South Wales, Australia.  He started acting in the early 90’s, but didn’t really hit his stride, until the latter half of that decade.  Those Aussies among you might remember him as the adorable Vinnie Patterson on the soap opera Home and Away, a role he inhabited from 1997 until 2002.

But, even if you don’t remember Home and Away (because I don’t), you are sure to enjoy this VERY OLD trailer for the program, featuring Ryan Kwanten, himself . . .

(By the way, all you Pretty Little Liars fans out there should check out the “Dani” character at the 10 second mark.  Look familiar to you?  She SHOULD!

It’s Tammin Sursok a.k.a. BLIND JENNA!  Who knew?)

In 2003, Ryan starred in the film Liquid Bridge . . .

 . . . in which he played surfer dude, Nick Callum, who liked to wear his surfboard . . . and often NOTHING ELSE!

Check out the trailer for the film.  It’s practically SURF PORN!

But most of us U.S. fangirls didn’t meet Ryan until 2004, on the television drama Summerland, where he played another surf star, Jay Robertson. 

For your viewing pleasure, I have included a nice little clip of Ryan as “Shirtless Jay” here.  (Feel free to fast forward through all the lame Jesse McCartney stuff in the beginning and middle, because that’s what I did.)

In 2006, Ryan landed a role in the feature film, Flicka.  You know, the one based on the book . . . about the horse . . .

I didn’t see this one either.   But I found a great gag reel fom the film on YouTube.  The best part of the reel, by far, is the the end, which features Ryan doing some ad-libbing.  In the scene, Ryan’s character, Howard McLaughlin, is asked if there is anyone out there more fortunate than he.  He has some creative answers.  Who knew Ryan was such a Faith Hill fan?

There you go!  So, now you not only know where Ryan Kwanten IS, you also know where he has BEEN.  But where is he GOING?

Well, in short, it looks like Ryan is GOING back to the big screen.  Based on these two upcoming trailers, our favorite shirtless funny man will be taking a turn for the angsty and dramatic.  This first trailer is for Home and Away, a film that was made back in 2007, but is STILL pending release (WTF producers?).  In it, Ryan stars alongside The O.C.’s Mischa Barton, as a disillusioned young man, who has seemingly sold his soul to the music industry.  However, during the course of the film, he gets it back, thanks to the impending loss of his father, and the love of a free-spirited woman.  Check it out . . .

Now, normally, when I show a movie trailer like this, I try to precede it with the poster for the film.  But this poster REALLY bugged me.  See if you can figure out why . . .

Would someone PLEASE explain to me what Mischa Barton’s ginormous head is doing dwarfing MY Ryan?  Didn’t I just say this film is about a “disillusioned young MAN?”  So, tell me, which of the people in this poster seem to fit that description?  HINT:  It’s NOT the girl with a noggin that is seemingly the size of EARTH! 

I think I just figured out why this film hasn’t found it’s way into theaters yet.  Two words:  POOR.  MARKETING.

Needless to say, the poster for the next trailer I am going to show you is WAY more MY speed . . .

Now, that’s more like it!

Was it just me, or did that trailer sort of remind you of the film No Country for Old Men?

Only with WAY better hair!

According to IMDB, Ryan also has a number of other film projects in the works.  Most notable among these are: (1) The Knights of Badassdom,  a horror film about LARPers who unwittingly release demons on to the world (Are they SURE this isn’t supposed to be a comedy?); and (2) Griff the Invisible, a romantic comedy in which Kwanten plays . . . a SUPERHERO . . .

 . . . who BETTER NOT actually be INVISIBLE.  Just sayin’ . . . (Talk about a waste of a beautiful specimen!)

So, there you have it.  We now know where, Ryan Kwanten IS, where he’s GOING, and where he’s BEEN.  

Now, as for where Jason Stackhouse is going . . .

Well, I guess we will all just have to wait and see, won’t we? 😉

[www.juliekushner.com]

 

The Runaway Bride of Franklin-stein – A Recap of True Blood’s “Trouble”

“Damn that Julia Roberts!  She made it look so easy!”

Howdy Fangbangers!  Tonight’s True Blood installment featured a boatload of lovin’, and a monster truckload of CRAZY, to boot.  Both were delivered in one truly twisted package by none other than THIS GUY  . . .

But “Trouble” wasn’t ALL about Franklin’s disturbing (albeit, at times, oddly humorous) “relationship” with Tara, there were also new flirtations, “sparks” of both a figurative, and a LITERAL (I’m looking at you Sookie Glow Fingers!) nature, betrayals, and, of course, after a WAY TOO LONG hiatus, a SHIRTLESS Jason Stackhouse.

We missed you, baby!

So, without further adieu, let’s take our tops off and fall in love.  Shall we?

Franklin Mott: Texts Like a Champ, Cries Like a B&tch

“Hey, you would cry too, if they took away YOUR unlimited texting plan!”

When we first see the Object of Franklin’s Obsession, Tara, she’s  . . . a little tied up.

Then, in walks Russell and Lorena, having recently finished gorging on that sad, but still skanky, stripper from last week’s episode.  But what surprises Tara, more is that BILL is with them . . .

This may surprise Tara, but it doesn’t surprise US at all.  After all,  WE saw him snacking on the Skank Stew, with our very own eyes, last Sunday.  What did surprise me, however, was what PIGGY EATERS these vamps were!  Seriously, who over the age of 3 eats like this?

“That stripper was yummy, Mommy!”

Please don’t tell me that the Big Gay Vampire King of Mississippi and his new Sheriff can’t afford to invest in a pack of wet naps.

Tara pleads for Vampire Bill to rescue her.  Unfortunately, Bill cannot engage in any strenuous activity until 30 minutes after he has finished eating, or he gets really bad cramps.  So he tells Tara, “No.”

No worries!  Franklin has fun plans for his human doll, Tara!  And those fun plans involve dressing her in the ugliest, least flattering, wedding dress I have ever seen, and tying her to the bedpost.  What fun!

“Hope you brought a bed pan.  Because I really have to pee.”

When Lafayette texts Tara to ascertain her whereabouts, Franklin (after making sure Lafayette isn’t a boyfriend of hers) uses the opportunity to display his mad texting skills.  “Watch how fast I can type, ‘motherf*cker,”’ he brags, as his vampire fingers go all swirly whirly, like a raver on ecstacy. 

Tara seems impressed.  She might even clap . . . if her hands weren’t attached to the bed.  Later that day, while Franklin sleeps in bed next to her (Don’t vampires sleep in coffins, in this world?), Tara gnaws through her arm restraints (SERIOUSLY?  What kind of crazy, gnarly, teeth does this girl have?). 

 Free at last, she dashes out of the mansion in broad daylight, sprinting across the field, as fast as her legs can carry her.  Unfortunately, she’s spotted by the guard dog.

I wish MY guard dog looked like that!

Guard Dog Coot tackles Tara, and starts licking her face . . . Just kidding, only Franklin is allowed to do that.

When Coot returns Tara to “her rightful owner,” Franklin bursts into tears.  He’s just bawling like a baby.  He can’t understand why, on earth, Tara would possibly want to leave him.   Especially after he offered her a VINTAGE dress, and fed her exotic cuisine.

Tastes like Skanky Stripper chicken.

Tara, recognizing that being “nice” to Franklin will earn her more privileges and a better chance at escape, turns on the charm.  Not an easy feat for a girl who, lets face it, isn’t all that charming to begin with.  Tara tells Franklin she doesn’t fear him, only the other vampires.  She also explains how, while the flowers look delicious, she’d really much prefer some Mac ‘N Cheese.  Franklin seems elated by Tara’s sudden change in heart.  He offers to plan a celebration in honor of Tara’s last night being human.  He wishes to make her his Vampire Bride.

This time, my shocked face is genuine.  I didn’t see that one coming . . .

Later, while Franklin is chatting with the Big Gay Vampire King of Mississippi . . .

 . . . we learn a few things: (1) that Franklin was the one searching Vampire Bill’s house for intel on Sookie; (2) that Russell hired him to do it; (3) that, for whatever reason, Vampire Bill is not only keeping a dossier on Sookie, he also appears to be charting Sookie’s geneology, to ascertain the origins of her telepathy.  Because that’s what all good boyfriends do for the girls they love, right?  Stalk them. 

“But, of course!  Love means never having to get a restraining order!”

Jason Stackhouse: Dumber than a box of rocks, but pretty enough for it not to make a difference

Undoubtedly, the fine citizens of Bon Temps can sleep a little better tonight, knowing that Jason Stackhouse is out there protecting them.  And by “protecting them,” I mean cruising them while shirtless, and giving them the best Tree Hump they ever had.  Yes, this episode marked Jason’s first day on the job as an “Assistant Liason Deputy,” after he bribed new Sheriff Andy Bellefleur to let him on the force.

Crime has a new enemy.  And it looks GOOD shirtless!

At first, Andy, who, unlike Jason, is no dummy, keeps his protege safely behind the desk.  At first, Jason doesn’t seem to mind too much.  After all, there are SO many fun things to do behind a desk!  One can . . . make a paperclip jump rope!  Or put ink from a stamp pad all over his face!  Or play paper football!

But after a while, Jason starts to go a bit stir crazy, and begs for something “more active” to do.  And like, I said, Andy is no dummy!  He’s also my hero.  Because he provides Jason with a task that not only helps the citizens of Bon Temps, it also helps True Blood fans across the world!  It’s a task that involves Jason taking off his shirt AND getting wet!

“Working at the CAR WASH! Ohohohoh!  Working at the CAR WASH, yeah!”

Andy has Jason wash the cop cars!  BRILLIANT!  While Jason is flexing his muscles, however, he spies a familiar face.

“Hey, there Hot Stuff!  Allow me to introduce myself.  I’m your Next Conquest!”

Jason is so excited about seeing his dream girl again  (The first time he spotted her, she was crying in a field, in the trailer park.), that he forgets to put his shirt on before hopping in the cop car and giving chase.  (Woo Hoo!)

When Jason asks Crystal for her license and registration, she staunchly refuses.  “Are you resisting me?”  Jason inquires, amazed that anyone would have the nerve to resist his abs an officer of the law. 

But Crystal doesn’t believe Jason’s a real cop.   And rightfully so.  He has no badge . . . and no shirt.  Undeterred, Jason invites Crystal to meet him that night at Merlotte’s, which apparently is the ONLY bar in town, because no one seems to go anywhere else . . . EVER.  (Fangtasia is actually a few towns over.)  While Jason waits for Crystal, he runs into Andy who tells him that, thanks to a few pulled strings, Jason CAN become a cop.  The only problem, he has to pass THE EXAM.

Seeing as the only tests Jason “passes” are the pregnancy tests he buys for the girls he might have accidentally knocked up . . .

It may say “minus,” but for Jason this one’s an A+ for sure!

Fortunately, for Jason, Crystal arrives to save the day!  

 She leads Jason out into the woods and the two start humping against a tree, like two dogs in heat.  (Can’t you get splinters from tree bark?  Bark burn, perhaps?) 

The whole tree f*cking scenario is so romantic that Jason immediately starts talking about love, marriage, and all that mushy crap.  “Dude!  It’s our first date!  Stop being such a woman!”  Crystal scolds.

(No, actually, she doesn’t say that.  But she DOES tell Jason to not get caught up in future talk, and to just worry about the here and now.)

Great advice, Crystal!  A tied down Jason = Some very sad fans indeed.

Jesus Loves Me

Speaking of getting tied down, Lafayette seems well on his way to doing just that.  When his mother’s nursemaid, Jesus, comes to visit our favorite drug – dealing fry cook at Merlotte’s, Lafayette is convinced his mother has died.  But no, Jesus simply wants inside those infamous Lafayette Pantalones.

Can you blame him?

And, let me tell you, Jesus could give Franklin Mott a run for his money in sheer aggressiveness.  When Lafayette tells the nursemaid he has to work, Jesus WAITS at the bar for him to finish his shift for NINE HOURS!  Can you imagine spending NINE HOURS at Merlotte’s?  Do you have any idea how much REALLY BAD country music you’d have to listen to?  (Shudders)  Now THAT’S dedication!

In Eric News . . .

Eric arrived at Big Gay Vampire Russell’s house.  He looked hot.  He flirted a bit with the ALSO hot, Talbot, in hopes of gleaning some important information from him later.

“Team Eric all the way!  He’s a much cleaner eater than Bill!”

In a play to rescue Pam from the evil clutches of the Magister, Eric asks Russell about Vampire Bill’s whereabouts, sticking to his story about how he believes  Bill to be dealing illegally V.  Russell calles his bluff, by bringing in Bill himself to refute these charges.  As soon as Eric hears that Bill has “switched teams,” he does what any good lovesick vampire would do, inquires after his girl.  “Does this mean that Sookie is free?”  He asks, a seductive glint in his eye.

Bill says, “Yes.”

Rest up, Viking Vamp!  Someone is about to give that “stamina” of yours a real run for its money . . .

While touring La Casa de Big Gay Vampire King, Eric comes across a Viking crown.  He recognizes it instantly as the crown his father wore when he was Viking King back in the day.  Apparently, Eric had “stamina” even back then.  In the flashback, Eric was so busy sticking it to the milkmaid, he failed to notice his parents were being killed by werewolves.   The dark cloaked figure controlling the werewolves, who absconded with Eric’s father’s crown, was none other than Russell Edgington.  Leaning over his father’s corpse, Eric vies for revenge. 

Well  . . .  seeing as centuries have passed since this happened, he’s a little late, but here’s hoping  Eric FINALLY gets what he wants . . .

Oh yeah . . . and I guess the “vengeance” part too (assuming he has any time left over, from his nonstop schedule of mindblowing sex.)

In Sam and his Annoying Redneck Family News . . .

Tommy is growing on me . . .

. . . and I’m not just saying that because he has a gun to my face. 

He was really sweet to Vampire Jessica, when she was obviously hurting over seeing Hoyt having prospectively “moved on” with another woman.  He also seemed really vulnerable when he begged Sam to be able to sleep over at his house, because he was afraid of what Joe Lee might do to him, if he returned home.  That night, a very drunk Joe Lee nearly broke down Sam’s door, demanding his son’s return.  I really hope this storyline isn’t going where I think its going.  Because I’m generally not a big fan of the incest  . . .

Let’s save the After School Specials and Abused Kid Stories for Lifetime, shall we, True Blood?

Speaking of Vampire Jessica . . .

. . . I loved how she got back at Arlene for being a hater.   And yet under the circumstances, you can’t really BLAME Arlene for fearing Vampire Jessica will glamour her, when she seems to do it to EVERYBODY ELSE. 

Did I mention that Arlene and Terry are moving in together?

Did you care?  Because I sure didn’t. Don’t get me wrong . . . I LIKE Terry.  I just really don’t like Arlene.  And I really don’t like Terry WITH Arlene.  So, I prefer to ignore this storyline.  Thank you very much.

And then there was Sookie . . .

Despite their FAB chemistry last week, Sookie and Alcide didn’t seem to be meshing very well this week.  Perhaps it was because he kept insisting on keeping his shirt on . . .

Hasn’t Jason Stackhouse taught you ANYTHING?

Sookie and Alcide spent most of the episode bickering, and it didn’t look pretty on either of them.  Sookie kept barging into Alcide’s head and reading his thoughts.  When she wasn’t doing that, she was nagging him about finding Beeeell! 

Alcide, for all his “evolved gentleman” talk, came off as a bit of a chauvinist pig, refusing to let Sookie help him in his investigation of the Big Bad Werewolves.  Something tells me that unless Sookie teaches him right, Alcide will end up with a meek, barefoot and pregnant wife, whose sole joy in life is to feed her wolfman raw meat, after a full day spent cleaning the house.

“Mmmm, tastes like Sookie!”

That night, Trashtastic Debbie barges into Alcide’s home, her She-Mullet flapping in the wind.

Sookie really lets her have it for her poor treatment of Alcide.  She then tries to read Debbie’s thoughts to glean information about Bill, but comes up empty handed because Debbie has no brain.

Later, Sookie and Alcide visit the werewolf packleader to ask for help against the Big Bad Werewolves.  Unfortunately, said packleader is a WIMPY WEINERFACE.  The mere mention of the Big Bad Werewolves and the Big Gay Vampire King of Mississippi has the “Grand Exalted Leader” nearly pissing his pants with fear . . .

Who’s afraid of the Big Bad Wolf?  The Big Bad Wolf.  The Big Bad Wolf.  Who’s afraid of the Big Bad Wolf?  Hahahahahaaa.

Back at La Casa de Alcide, Sookie receives a visitor.  It’s VAMPIRE BILL!

Bill and Sookie embrace lovingly, as if the whole, “Lorena and I f*cked like only two vampires can” statement was never made.  Bill warns Sookie she has to leave ASAP.  At this point, I’m trying to remember whether Bill was actually invited in to Alcide’s house, as per vampire rules.  He just seemed to magically appear there.

But you know who DEFINITELY wasn’t invited in?  THIS TURD . . .

Russell barges into the house with Coot and his werewolf goons.  They attack Bill and Alcide first.  Poor Alcide gets kicked in the nuts.  AGAIN!  That boy SERIOUSLY has to invest in a protective cup, if he wants to keep hanging out with Sookie . . .

But when Coot lunges for Sookie, she does that sparkly lightning bolt thingy with her hand that we saw her do last season to Maenad Maryanne.  Coot flies backward from the impact of the electric shock.  Far from being annoyed by the incapacitation of his top henchman, Russell seems THRILLED by this recent turn of events.  He laughs uproariously.  “FANTASTIC!”  He howls.

Here’s hoping next week’s episode begins with Sookie sticking a lightning bolt up RUSSELL’S ass.  We’ll see how much he’s laughing then . . .

Bill Compton’s got moves that will make your head spin! – A Recap of True Blood’s “It Hurts Me Too.”

“Hey, Sookie!  Did you see what your boyfriend just did to that chick’s head?  That was some freaky sh*t!”

“Yeah.  I know I’m supposed to be all mad that he like totally cheated on me.  But I just keep rubbing my neck, and thinking, ‘Better you than me, b*tch.  Better you than me . ..'”

Boy, did Alan Ball and Co. reap the benefits of being on “pay cable,” and having a “Mature Audiences” rating tonight!  Tonight’s True Blood installment featured no less than THREE hard core sex scenes, each one more raunchy than the next, three pretty gruesome dead bodies, and one . . . burning bush.

Did I mention we got introduced to THIS GUY?

I’m starting a little betting pool on how many more episodes before we get to see this hot werewolf without his shirt on.  Any takers?  I’m willing to bet it happens next episode.  Sookie and Alcide have to SLEEP eventually.  And if you looked like THAT, would YOU wear clothing to bed?  I think not . . .

So, let’s try to “wrap our heads around” this episode, shall we?

 Ooops!  Sorry, Lorena!  I guess that was in poor taste, under the circumstances . . .

“Lessons in Good Housekeeping” by Sookie Stackhouse

Poor Sookie!  For a girl who seemingly spends every episode cleaning her house, she sure collects a lot of interesting stains on that carpet of hers.  (Maenad-induced orgy juice anyone?)  When we last left our favorite Merlotte’s waitress, she was hanging out with Eric.  And the two crazy lovebirds were engaged in their own unique brand of foreplay.  You know the drill.  Eric makes sexual innuendos; Sookie fends him off passionately; they stare angrily / lovingly into one anothers’ eyes; someone tries to kill Sookie . . .  the usual.

The higher the body count, the hotter the love . . .

This week’s candidate for a Viking Vampire Ass Whupping was a random nameless werewolf hopped up on vampire blood.  He apparently hailed from that pesky Jackson, Mississippi-based were-gang that has been bothering Vampire Bill for two episodes now.  Sookie tries to shoot him herself, but in a  brash show of machismo (“No way I’m letting my lady do my murdering for me!”), Eric dives in front of the bullet, and valiantly takes it in the chest, before literally chewing the were’s head off. 

 “I got your carpet wet,” admits Bloody Eric apologetically, his speech garbled by the bits of man-dog still lodged in his teeth.  (He’s been alive for centuries, and still NO ONE has taught him not to speak with his mouth full.  Someone clearly needs a Mommy!)

Eric and Sookie then head back into Sookie’s already corpse crowded backyard to bury the latest Trophy of Love.  Sookie is not so much bothered by the fact that someone died in her house, as she is by the fact that Eric killed him before she could “mind read” him in to giving up Bill’s whereabouts.  And you just KNOW that Eric’s got it bad for the spunky barmaid, when he actually responds to her ungrateful idiocy by APOLOGIZING! 

My heart really went out to Mr. Macho Vamp, as he sheepishly admitted to Sookie that he might not have been strong enough to save her from the V-strengthened werewolf, had they held off any longer on killing him.  Talk about having your metaphorical balls cut off!  That admission really had to hurt. 

On their little romantic post burial stroll back home, Sookie tells Eric that she must go to Jackson to find and rescue Bill.  “Do us all a favor and stay out of trouble,” warns Eric.  “You are no good to anyone, if you are killed.”  (Awwwww!  He so LUUUUUVES HER!)

The next afternoon, after putting together an impromptu funeral for Tara’s Eggs . . .

Sunny side DOWN . . .

 . . . Sookie is scrubbing up her bloody floor, when a mysterious stranger approaches her from behind. (Wink, wink!)  She hears the stranger thinking about how pretty and blonde she is, and immediately runs into the house.  But the stranger is faster and more powerful.  He wraps his big sexy arms around her waist, and says “Eric Northman sent me.  I’m here to look at your boobs after you.”

Clearly Eric has a lot of confidence in his “stamina” to be OK with Sookie going on vacation with a guy who looks like this.

Typically, werewolves and vampires don’t mix.  However, Alcide apparently owes some sort of debt to Eric that is in need of repayment.  So, off head Sookie and Alcide to Lou Pines, a hardcore werewolf biker bar.

Lou Pines?  Really?  Is that the best you can do, Alan Ball?  I could think of about a thousand cooler names for a werewolf bar than this.  How about, for example, “The Hair of the Dog (that Bit You),” or “No Fleas,” or “WERE’S the Beer?”  (Get it, “were,” like in WEREwolf . . . never mind.)

Anyway at Lame-O Lou Pines, Sookie puts on her dumb blonde act, in hopes of getting some information on Mr. Bill.  She reads one dude’s mind and figures out he was one of the were’s that kidnapped Bill in his car.  (Sheesh!  How many werewolves were IN that car, anyway?  Because I’m pretty sure we’ve met at least six already.   Bill must have one of those clown cars, I used to see in the circus . . .)

“We’ll all be expecting our SAG cards in the mail, thank you!”

Random Clown Car Werewolf catches wind that Sookie is not the brainless bimbo she seems, and starts attacking her.  In typical True Blood male fashion, Alcide tries to jump in and rescue her.  He gets in a few good punches, before the rest of the werepack starts beating the crap out of him.  Luckily, the owner of the bar (Lou Pine, I presume?), breaks up the fight and kicks out the offending weres.  Then, in a complete non-sequitur moment, the bar owner tells Alcide that his ex-girlfriend is gettting engaged to Coot, head of the Evil Werewolf Clan, the following day, at the bar.  (WAY TO STAY CLASSY, Alcide’s ex!)

Hmmm . . . so Alcide’s former girlfriend went from dating this  . . .

 . . . to this . . .

Color me impressed!

Creepiest O Face, EVER!

Apparently, Sookie and Eric aren’t the only human / vampire pair turned on by random acts of violence.  When we last saw Tara, she was punching the stuffing out of some drunkards, while “new in town” vamp Franklin Mott gallantly held them still for her.  Now she’s in bed with the new vamp, and the poor girl looks like she’s having a seizure! 

Now, I don’t know if this was done on purpose. (Rutina Wesley gave some FANTASTIC O Face, back when she was getting it on with Eggs in Season 2.  So I’m willing to give her the benefit of the doubt here.)  But, watching this, I honestly couldn’t tell if Tara was enjoying herself, or literally having the life f&*ked out of her.

While doing the deed, Tara begs Franklin to bite her and he refuses.  When she asks him why, he replies, “Because you want me to.”  (OH NO!  That’s never a good sign!  RUN TARA!  RUN LIKE THE WIND!)

During the post-coital cuddling session, Tara basically blows Franklin off, telling her she can’t be in a relationship now and blah, blah, blah.  But, of course, this wouldn’t be True Blood, if Tara wasn’t being beaten up, mind controlled, and abused.  So, when Franklin visits Tara at Sookie’s house, where she is staying for the time being, it didn’t surprise me at all they he compels her against her will to let him in.  Here we go again . . .

(Sidenote:  If Vampires can COMPEL or GLAMOUR humans to invite them into their homes, why don’t they do it all the time?  Isn’t that the ultimate loophole?)

Vampire Jessica just got in over her HEAD . . .

“I’d rather be taking my SAT’s, than dealing with this sh*t.”

The Good News is Vampire Jessica’s “dad’s” house doesn’t have that awful smell anymore.  The Bad News is that Jessica’s lost something you can’t exactly pick up at the local Lost and Found. (And NO, I’m not talking about her eternal virginity). 

In a classic little scene, Jessica calls Vampire Pam to ask for advice on her little problem.  Just like her maker, Vampire Pam apparently never learned not to talk with her mouth full.  She picks up the phone right in the middle of doing something that rhymes with  . . . bug crunching?

“Oh, don’t be such a prude, TV Recapper!  I was eating out!  What’s the big deal?”

Vampire Pam basically tells Jessica not to worry about the whole Missing Person Thing.  “No body, no problem,” she says, more or less.

Later, however, Vampire Jessica is visited by that Pesky Vamp, Franklin Mott . . .

 . . . who, apparently, has a gift for her . . . the severed head of that Missing Dude she killed!   (Hoyt found the rest of his body, buried in Bon Temps).   Mott basically plans to blackmail Vampire Jessica — keeping her murderous tendencies a secret, in exchange for information on Vampire Bill. 

(Uh . . . Franklin, that was a nice “gift” and all, but I think she would have preferred a necklace . . .)

Miscellaneous Plot Points

Before I get to the episode’s “Big TWIST,” let’s get the other minor storylines out of the way . . . . 

First, Jason Stackhouse is HOT!

But, you knew that already . . . What you didn’t know was that he wants to become a cop!

NO!  Not an angel!  I said a COP!

But he couldn’t go through with the application process, because he kept seeing bullet holes in people’s heads, as a result of his guilt over killing Eggs.

Sheriff Budd randomly quit the police force, because he got tired of looking at dead bodies.  That means that this guy will probably end up in charge . . .

Arlene is pregnant, which means the stupidest baby in Bon Temps is about to be born . . .

But it’s not Terry’s . . . which begs the question, “Who else, in their right mind, would screw Arlene “So I Married a Serial Killer” Fowler?”

Sam’s family is a bunch of alcoholic hicks . . . and his biological brother and dad hate him. 

But at least he looks nice with his shirt off . . .

Finally, Eric gave Lafayette a hot new car, so he could conduct his V-dealing business in style.

Lafayette is thrilled.  Wouldn’t you be?

Vampire Bill is Turning Heads Everywhere He Goes!

Back at the Big GayVampire King of Mississippi’s house, Russell “stops, drops, and rolls” burning Lorena up in an expensive rug. 

Talbot is PISSED!

King Russell then more or less threatens to harm Sookie, if Bill doesn’t leave Queen Sophie Anne’s “kingdom” in Louisianna, and pledge “fealty” to him in Mississippi.  That morning(?), while Bill is sleeping, he flashes back to his early “baby vamp” days, when he visited his wife (that chick who played Ryan’s one time GF Lindsay on the O.C.) . . .

 . . . and learned that his son died of “the pox.”  When Bill cries tears of blood over the loss of his child, his wife freaks out and shoots a hole in his arm.  Giving Bill her best “I told you so,” face, Vampire Lorena, convinces him to glamour his wife so that she forgets about his reappearance.  “Vampires will only cause humans pain.  The only way we can show love for humans, is by leaving them,” she says, more or less.

Pained by the memory of his wife, Bill walks downstairs and immediately agrees to be Vampire Russell’s b&tch for all eternity.  When Lorena comes by to gloat . . .

. . . Vampire Bill screws her, while trying to rip her head off.  But instead of breaking her neck, he ends up twisting her head around, like she’s some perverse pornographic Gumby doll.

It’s gross!  But Lorena doesn’t seem to mind.  In fact, mid screw, she tells Bill, “I still love you.”

Except, Bill can’t hear her . . . because her head’s on backwards . . .

Tune in next week, when Alcide will, hopefully, takes his shirt off, and allow me to recoup on my bet.  Because I could really use the cash . . .

Everybody Wants Sookie (or should I say . . . SOOKEH!) – A Recap of True Blood’s “Beautifully Broken”

Well, would you look at that?  It’s a gay vampire riding in on a white horse to “save the day!”  (Insert sexual euphemism and/or cheesy pun here.)

Did I miss something?  Did Valentine’s Day come early this year?  Because there sure was a lot of LOVE in this episode.  And I’m not just talking sex either.  (Sadly, there was none of that.) 

I’m talking about that real mushy gushy stuff.  The kind of “stuff” that would make you drop someone’s favorite beverage at their doorstep a few minutes before dawn (Hoyt and Jessica); or write a list about why you’d be a good father to their kids (Terry and Arlene – He passed anger management and tamed an armadillo); or babysit a drunk (Andy and Jason); or save a person’s life (Lafayette and Tara); or feel “disturbingly human.” (Sookie and Eric)

So, what you do you say, we get this  lovefest started?

Things That Go Growl In The Night . . .

“Mmmm, Eric, your breath smells refreshingly minty.  What toothpaste do you use?

“AB – Negative.”

When we last left our good pal Sookie, her and Vampire Jessica were “feeling” Bill.  Their “feelings” let them to a crashed car, with a werewolf corpse inside.  Operation Werewolf markings were on both the body and vehicle.   Despite having little luck previously, Sookie, armed with new intel, decided to take another shot at asking Vampire Eric for help in finding her Bill (or should I say “Beaaal” like she says it).  At Fangtasia, Sookie tells Eric about the whole werewolf thing, and initially, he seems unimpressed.  “Your obsession with Bill Compton is going to get you killed,” he says matter-of-factly.

But then Sookie, wisely, does the same thing I do whenever I get pulled over by a cop for suspected speeding (not that it happens often, mind you) . . . She cries!

Oh no!  Not like THAT!  That’s real crying!  Ugly crying!  That NEVER works . . .

Ahh . . . much better!  Good form, Sookie!

Although his facial expression never changes, you can tell that Eric, in his own sexy vampiric way, is highly moved by Sookie’s tears.  “Please don’t do that,” he says without affect, “It makes me feel disturbingly . . . human.”

WOO HOO!  Sookie and Eric sitting in a tree,  K-I-S-S . . .Sorry, got a little carried away for a moment there.  I’m back now . . .  

Dejected, Sookie leaves Fangtasia with a final plea to Eric that he help her find Bill.  At first, it seems as though Eric has no intention of helping Sookie.  Once she is out of sight, he crumbles up the paper she gave him with werewolf intel, and tosses it aside.  But then . . . suddenly, he’s in Germany, in a Nazi uniform, and guess who’s there?

It’s GODRIC!  He’s ALIVE!  I mean . . . DEAD . . . I mean .  . . undead?

Actually, the answer is none of the above.  Godric (played by Allan Hyde) is still very dead-dead, which means this is a World War II flashback.  Apparently (as Eric explains to Sookie later), Operation Werewolf had some sort of connection to the Nazis back in the day, but they, like the vampires, were around long before that. 

In the flashback, a she-wolf eats an American solider.  Eric and Godric come upon her, and Eric attacks the she-wolf.  She claims they are on the “same side.”  Eric disagrees.  (Nice to know my lover isn’t a real Nazi.  That would have been a bit of a turnoff, I think .  . .) 

Like the “Operation” Werewolves in present day, She-Wolf seems a bit hopped up on vampire blood.  She begs Eric for a drink.  And, although Godric cautions against it, Eric complies.  But then She-Wolfs goes apesh*t, and Vampire Eric has to finish her off.  Godric doesn’t like that at all, and he gives Eric a real judgy look.  Parents . . . they’re no fun at all . . .

Later, Jason comes over to Sookie’s house to play.  She tells him how much she misses Bill, and the way he says “Sookeh!”  (Great impression, by the way!  Way to go Anna P!  Bet you and Mr. Moyer were practicing that one in bed!)  She then tells him about the existence of werewolves.  He’s thrilled!  “Does that mean Bigfoot is real too?  SANTA?!”  He asks, excitedly.

 Awww!  Jason!!  Sweet, hot, dim-witted Jason!  I already saw this scene in the promos for the show.  But it still made me giggle and squeal like a little school girl the second time around!

When Sookie arrives at work, she finds herself stalked by a real creepy looking werewolf.  But he disappears before she can get a good look at his ugly mug.  That night, ANOTHER werewolf breaks into Sookie house.  Fortunately, Eric comes to the RESCUE!

There were a ton of great scenes in this episode, but I’m pretty sure this second Sookie / Eric scene of the evening was my favorite, for obvious reasons.  Eric arrives at Sookie’s door and inquires after the intruder.  He then tells her that he lied to her earlier, and comes clean about the whole “Operation Werewolf ” thing.  “Why are you telling me this now?”  Sookie asks.

“Because circumstances have changed . . . I have no interest in rescuing Bill.  In fact, it would be advantageous to me if he were never to return.  However, now they are coming after you .  . . and I . . .”  Eric hesitates, unsure of the proper words.  (He seems almost . . . disturbingly human.)

” . . . my objective was to protect you from danger, not increase it.  Your life is to valuable to throw away,” he finally concludes.

“What do you want me to do?”  Sookie whispers.

“I want you to invite me in, so that I can protect you, and have passionate, primal sex with you.  Hopefully both.”

Sookie seems taken aback by his request, a bit angered by his boldness, and more than a little turned on by the sexual proposition (REMEMBER “stamina” is Eric’s middle name). 

A much stronger woman than I am (You had me at primal sex, Eric!), Sookie insists she still belongs to Bill.  Eric concedes that is true.  They talk a bit about the difficulties of Sookie’s relationship with Bill. 

Suddenly, Eric gets up in Sookie’s face and demands he be invited in.  Sookie begins to argue again, but notes the new insistence in his voice, and ultimately invites him inside.  At that same  moment, a werewolf enters the home, braced for attack. 

Eric bares his fangs, and Sookie grabs her gun and shoots, just as the werewolf begins to pounce . . .

Andy and Jason = BFFs Forever

 Cutest couple EVER!

While Sookie and Eric are battling werewolves and flirting shamelessly with one another, another adorable twosome is navigating the waters of a new and beautiful friendship.  If you recall, Andy has taken the rap for shooting Eggs, even though Jason ACTUALLY shot him, in order to protect his big cuddly loverboy, Andy. 

But now, Andy is being hailed as a hero, an Jason is a bit jealous.  The elder Stackhouse copes with his feelings just like everyone else in this town seems to  . . . by getting wasted, of course!

“I keep trying to be good and do the right thing,” slurs Jason.  “But I always end up doing the wrong thing.”

Andy doesn’t know exactly how to respond to this sudden drunken show of emotion by his bromantic buddy.  So, he does what any good boyfriend would do in this situation, he compliments his pal’s good looks.  “You’re prettier than most girls!”  Andy offers optimistically!

You can say THAT again!  Andy!

But Andy doesn’t say it again.  Instead, he tells Jason that he could do anything he puts his (admittedly small) mind to, as long as he applies himself.  Andy then drags a drunken Jason along with him to a nearby trailer park called “Hot Shot,” where some guy named Calvin Norris is suspected of having a meth lab.  While Andy is attempting to chase down the suspect, Jason comes across one of the few girls out there, who may actually be just as pretty as Jason, himself . . .

Jason tries to talk to Miss Pretty (Lindsay Pulpisher, playing the new upcoming role of Crystal Norris), but she runs away before he can get many words in.  This gives Jason just enough time to tackle Calvin Norris for Andy and save the day!  We knew Andy was right about Jason being pretty.  But, it looks like he was also right about that whole “applying himself” thing.  Who knew?

Vampire Jessica Makes Bill a Grandpa!

 

“Crap!  I’m a mom!  But, how can that be?  I thought I was supposed to be a Virgin for all eternity!  Is this like Divine Conception, or something?”

Vampire Jessica is a bit distracted.  You see, she ate this guy, and fed him her blood.  And now he’s rotting  and decaying, and stinking up her coffin, not to mention her “dad’s” entire house.  So, it’s understandable that she’s not exactly in the mood for nookie.  So, when Hoyt arrives at her home, with a six pack of her favorite brand of True Blood, in hopes of reconciling, she’s a bit less than friendly.

To Hoyt’s credit, he gives this really great heartfelt speech to Vampire Jess, about how he understands why she tried to eat his mother, and how the two of them can fight their flawed natures together.  Vampire Jess is clearly moved by the speech.  But she’s so horrified by the heinous murder she committed, and embarrassed by her stinky home, that she pushes Hoyt away.  And I felt so bad for the poor guy, I literally almost cried. 

Convinced that her “victim” is “Dead-Dead,” Vampire Jessica begins to make plans for his proper disposal, even going as far as to rent a chainsaw to hack up Dead Guy’s body parts (Mmmmm, yummy!)  However, when she returns to the basement that evening, the body is GONE!

Lafayette and Tara Meet Mysterious Men / Decide Life is Worth Living . . .

Surprising precisely NO ONE, Lafayette rescues Tara from her half-hearted pill-swallowing suicide attempt.  Hoping to keep her from trying to off herself again, Lafayette takes Tara to a surprisingly classy mental hospital where Lafayette’s (extremely sharp and witty for a crazy gal) mom is currently residing . . .

Lafayette’s mom (Alfre Woodard) tells Lafayette that he was “killed” when he came out as being gay.  He claims Tara was “killed” too.  “Almost,” replies Tara, quite truthfully. 

Neither Lafayette nor Tara say much to Mommy.  After all, Lafayette didn’t really want to see her, he just wanted to use her to teach Tara a lesson.   Namely, don’t go nuts like my mom, or I’ll lock YOU away too!  Lafayette DOES exchange quite a few words with this guy, however . . .

 . . . his mother’s caretaker, Jesus (played by Kevin Alejandro).

No, no . . . not that one. (It’s pronounced Hay-soos.)

And based on the close talking and lascivious looks these two were giving one another, you just KNOW they are going to hooking up sometime real soon!  It’s HIGH TIME our boy Lafayette got some loving!  After all, he hasn’t had Vampire Eric’s blood in a while, and he REALLY needs something new to dance about . . .

Back at Merlotte’s, a mysterious vampire approaches the bar.  In hopes of making small talk, Tara tells him that she wants to kill herself.  (Very nice, Tara!   What a conversationalist you are!  It’s a real wonder you’re still single!)  Fortunately, for Tara (or unfortunately, depending on how you look at it), the new vampire dude . . .

 . . . who we know from promos is Franklin Mott (played by James Frain), is unperturbed by Tara’s admission.  In fact, he’s so unperturbed, that later that night, he holds some drunk dudes upright while Tara kicks the crap out of them for fun.  Ahhh . . . young love! 

The Family That Shifts Together, Stays Together . . .

 

“Oh, don’t worry!  This is how we greet ALL of our long lost relatives, down in Hickville!”

After being held at gunpoint by a man who ends up being his biological brother, Tommy (Marshall Allman), Sam is led inside a shabby home.  There, he reunites with his worse-for-wear mother and father.  As it turns out, both Mommy and Tommy Merlotte (well . . . Mickens, actually) are shifters, like Sam, while his father is “normal.” 

Sam’s Mommy cries a bit (but the tears are no where near as pretty as Sookie’s, and therefore, are less, effective) about how she didn’t mean to give up Sam and blah, blah, blah . . .  Sam’s a bit resentful about being put out to pasture to fend for himself as a child, but remains remarkably polite to his trashy bio parents.

The same cannot be said for Sam’s brother, Tommy, who instantly resents him for intruding on his “happy family.”

But then, suddenly (almost TOO suddenly), Tommy wants to make friends.  His olive branch of peace?  “Let’s go for a run,” offers Tommy.

Sam immediately takes off his shirt, and I get excited . . .

But then he turns into a dog . . .

Oh well . . . can’t win em all!

Tommy turns into a dog too.  But he’s this weird funny looking bull dog thing . . . not cute at all.  While the two are out running, a car conveniently swerves into their path. 

 “Miraculously” Tommy has enough foresight to turn into a bird and fly away before the car can hit him.  Sam fares slightly less well, rolling out of the way, just moments before becoming road kill.  The bad news is, his brother clearly tried to kill him.  The good news is, Sam wound up naked in the bushes, as a result.  SO HOT!

Who Knew There Were So Many Good Recipes You Could Make with Blood?

And lastly, we have Vampire Bill and his bloody journey to Mississippi.  It looks like Alan Ball has heard our complaints.  He seems to be totally intent on making Bill Compton more interesting this season. 

 Last week, Bon Temps’ Dullest Vamp starred in that hot gay dream with Sam.  This week, he BIT OFF SOME DUDE’S EAR!  (Now, that’s not very “Southern Gentleman” like, now is it?)  Upon finding Vampire Bill looking like an extra in a zombie movie, Big Gay Vampire King Russell Edgington (Denis O’ Hare) . . .

 

 . . . lectures head werewolf Coot (Grant Bowler) on letting his men feed on Vampire Bill.   He then disposes of the remaining werewolves (aside from Coot).   Finally, in yet another homoerotic scene that would not seem at all out of place on the cover of a romance novel, Russell invites Vampire Bill aboard his massive white steed . . .

Russell brings Vampire Bill back to his bedroom his mansion.  It is there that Bill is introduced to Talbot (played by Theo Alexander), Russell’s lover, as well as home decorater, in-house chef, and host extraordinaire. 

I haven’t known this character long, but already I ADORE him!  In sheer queenishness, Talbot could give Lafayette a real run for his money.  Here’s hoping Talbot ditches old fogey Edgington, and heads to Bon Temp for some Lafayette-flavored loving SUPER soon! 

While Bill and Russell talk business in a way that is polite, while still filled with thinly veiled threats, Talbot regales them with a four course meal that includes, blood sherbert, blood soup, the blood of some Thai boy, and blood from a woman who eats nothing but Tangerines.  Take that lame True Blood bottles from Merlotte’s!

Russell meanwhile has a proposition for Vampire Bill.  If Bill spills the information he has on Queen Sophie Anne, Russell will give him the position of Sheriff of Area 2.  Apparently, Russell would like to marry Sophie Anne, in order to increase the size of his dominion.  He believes that having some blackmail material under his belt, might help him to persuade her to enter into the union.  Bill claims he has no information on Sophie Ann.  However, Russell begs to differ. 

Russell insinuates that Bill initially traveled to Bon Temps on orders from Sophie Anne.  We later learn that Russell has hired someone to search Bill’s home back in Bon Temps.  There, the searcher finds a drawer full of personal information about Sookie. 

Could Bill have seduced Sookie solely on Sophie Anne’s request?  Is there whole relationship a LIE?  If such a development means Sookie will dump Bill’s ass and run straight into Eric’s arms, I say, BRING IT ON, BABY!

When Bill fails to respond to Russell’s insinuations, the Big Gay Vampire King resorts to threatening Sookie’s life (by sending werewolves to her home perhaps?).  That’s when Bill gets angry!  It’s also when his maker Lorena magically appears . . .

And Bill responds by doing what fans of the show have wanted him to do to Lorena since she first appeared . . .

He throws a lamp at her head and SETS THE B*TCH ON FIRE!

Dammit, Bill Compton!  Stop making me like you so much!

That’s all I’ve got folks.  All in all, it was a stellar second episode, in my opinion.  Quick-moving, well-plotted, and jam packed with sexually tense Sookie and Eric goodness — exactly how I like my True Blood!

“Conscience Off! Dick On!” – A Recap of True Blood’s Season 3 Premiere “Pack of Wolves”

“Hey, look at me.  I’m naked on TV!  That never happens!”

Welcome back fellow Fangbangers!  Another season of True Blood is officially upon us.  And from the looks of it, the town of Bon Temps is, once again, about to get very bloody (not to mention slutty).  Tonight’s premiere episode, may not have given us all that much in the way of plot development.  However, it did offer a ton of biting, a prospective new group of villians, some great one liners, and more hot shirtless men than a Gay Pride Parade. 

Speaking of gay pride, am I the only one who was TOTALLY shipping a Bill and Sam coupling, after this episode?  Those two are SPICY!  And with a cool shipper name like BAM, it’s pretty obvious that this is a couple destined for greatness . . .

“I’ve always admired a man with big ‘belt buckle.'”

But, perhaps, I’m getting a bit ahead of myself here . . . let’s start at the beginning, shall we?

He’s My Boyfriend, and I’ll Whine if I Want To . . .

Bon Temps has installed a new security security system.  Here’s how it works.  These two nag and yell . . . and all men are instantly repelled.

The episode begins pretty much right where the Season 2 finale left off.  Bill has been kidnapped, and Sookie is desperate to find him.  And let me tell you, hell hath no fury, like a nearly-engaged woman jilted.  After chewing out the female police officer investigating the crime scene, and interrogating a very distracted (and for good reason) Vampire Jessica, Sookie heads out to Fangtasia to put the moves on question Eric.  But before she can speak to him, she has to get by Pam first.

Have I mentioned lately how THRILLED I am that this fabulous femme has been upgraded to “season regular” status?

“I don’t recall telling you that purple was my favorite color,” coos Pam, making Whiny Purple Dress-Wearing Sookie noticeably uncomfortable.  (But Sookie, I thought you were bisexual? Or, maybe I’m mistaking you for the actress that plays you.)

“I don’t have time for any lesbian weirdness from you,” replies Sookie.  (Awww!  Poor Pam!  Foiled again!)

After pushing past Pam, (“She overpowered me!”), Sookie finds Eric in the midst of a LONG screwing session with new Fangtasia dancer, Yvetta.

I’m not usually one to notice high production value, but I ADORED the way this encounter between Sookie and Eric was shot.  With it’s soft lighting, and hazy pastel hues, the scene felt more like an erotic dream than a television show.  Alexander Skaarsgard’s blatant nudity certaintly didn’t hurt either. 

The tension between these two nearly hits a boiling point, when Sookie shamelessly accuses Vampire Eric of orchestrating Bill’s kidnapping.  Eric gamely denies these allegations.  However, he does take the opportunity to berate Vampire Bill’s sexual prowess (“Is Bill’s stamina not up to snuff?”), and flirt with Sookie (“I want what is his.”).  After securing Vampire Eric’s “promise” to find Bill, Sookie heads to the police station to yell at more cops, before heading back home.  There, she encounters fellow Spurned Sister on the Rag, Tara . . .

Tara’s Eggs are No Longer Sunny Side Up . . .

“Bacon just isn’t the same without Eggs . . . “

Now don’t get me wrong.  I feel for Tara.  If my boyfriend looked like this .  . .

 . . . and was shot dead, after confessing to a series of murders he committed while “not in his right mind,” I would be pretty bummed too.  But it’s really hard to like Tara, when she spends all her time screaming at everybody.  I mean, it’s always OK to yell at Arlene, because she’s dumb, annoying, and more than a little racist.  But cute, cuddly, Andy Bellefleur?  Unacceptable! 

 The worst, however, is when Tara lays into SOOKIE (who put a roof over her head, and saved her LIFE) for letting Eggs “see” the many murders that he committed, while under the influence of the maenad.  “You basically signed his death warrant, you b*tch,” growls a Rabid Tara at her “former” best friend!  (Someone shoot this girl with a tranquilizer gun, and put us ALL out of our misery, please!)

Tired of babysitting his unruly witch of a cousin, Lafayette passes Tara off to her self-centered, crazy, former alcoholic, born-again Christian MOTHER.  BAD MOVE!  After just a few hours with this unbearable woman,  Tara is in the bathroom trying to OD on pills. 

Of course, we already know she’ll survive.  So, there’s really not much suspense here.  After all, based on the promos we’ve seen, Tara has to LIVE, so that she can have some very NOT HOT vampire sex with THIS BLOODSUCKER . . .

“Hey, Bad Kisser Guy!  Do us all a favor, and bite off her tongue, will you?”

First Sign of the Apocalypse: Jason Stackhouse can’t get it up!

“My weiner is depressed.  Kiss it, and make it better?”

Thank heaven for Andy Bellefleur!  Without his taking the rap for shooting Eggs, Jason Stackhouse would most certainly have been put in jail for murder.  And while he would undoubtedly look cute in an orange jumpsuit, a SHIRTLESS Jason Stackhouse is a terrible thing to waste.  Andy visits Jason at his house, in an attempt to keep him in line and to keep their “shooting story” straight. 

And then, suddenly, and out of no where, it seemed as though Andy Bellefleur had been possessed by female True Blood fans everywhere.  Because, for no rational reason whatsoever, Andy stopped talking about the dull “murder thing,” and started talking about how important it was for Jason to get laid . . .

“The Fangirls’ wish is my command!”

In order to “eliminate suspicion” and “keep up appearances,” Andy instructs Jason to act as he did BEFORE he shot Eggs (and BEFORE he joined that religious cult too, I guess).  That means LOVING THE LADIES, and LOVING THEM LOTS! 

“Conscience off!  Dick on!”  Andy commands.

Now THAT is a Jason Stackhouse motto, I can LIVE with!

Later, Jason hits up Merlotte’s with new roomie, Hoyt.

Welcome back, Jim Parrack!  LOVE the new buff bod!  Not such a fan of the new hair, though . . .

The two quickly and effortlessly pick up these pretty, but kind of dense, recent NYU grads, both of whom randomly have a thing for dogs.  But when they bring the girls back home, Hoyt is too busy whining over the loss of Vampire Jessica to do much screwing, and Jason keeps picturing the girls with bullet holes in their heads.   NOT a turn on!  (Note to the men out there:  If you TELL a girl that you keep seeing bullet holes in her head, she WILL think you want to murder her.  Some things are better left UNSAID.) 

Needless to say, neither of these sexy men get laid during this episode.  This is too bad.  Because I was REALLY hoping for some Jason Stackhouse Post-Coital Dancing . . .

“WOW!  Look at the size of that bullet hole!  Just kidding . . .LET’S BOOGIE!”

The Miraculous Tale of Vampire Bill, the F-U Crew, and Some Old Lady . . .

Well, the writers sure didn’t make us wait too long before telling us who took Vampire Bill.  Although his captor referred to his Band of Bumbling Idiots as the “F*&k You Crew,” those who have watched the promos, undoubtedly recognized him Werewolf Biker Badass, Coot (played by Grant Bowler). . .

Coot and his DOGS are trying to drive Bill to their secret lair.  The only problem is that they can’t seem to stop eating him.  (Don’t you hate it when that happens?)  So, the car goes off road, and Bill manages to escape.  Having been drained of quite a bit of blood, Vampire Bill wanders into some Old Broad’s home, feeds on her, and leaves, but not before glamouring her, and extracting some very important information for the viewers at home.  It turns out, our pal Bill is in Mississippi!

The Shirt Off His Back . . .

“Vampire Bill, I’m so upset!  I had the lamest plotline of this ENTIRE episode!

“Let’s f*&k!”

“OK, Vampire Bill.  That would make me feel much better.”

It’s a real shame that Vampire Bill is in Mississippi, and not Arkansas, where Sam is, because that would have undoubtedly improved this portion of the episode.   Sam’s storyline tonight was a MAJOR snoozer.  Apparently, he’s on a hunt for his biological trailer trash Mommy, and deadbeat brother .  . . blah, blah, blah.  Now on to the good stuff! 

So, if you recall, last season, Sam was stabbed in the chest, and was seriously wounded as a result.  If not for his massive intake of Vampire Bill’s blood, he would have died.  Of course, taking a lot of blood from a Vampire has its consequences.  For one thing, it makes you have sexual feelings for the Vampire you drank from, regardless of your previous sexual preference. 

So, one night, while Sam is sleeping, he has a dream that someone has visited him at his hotel.  THIS Vamp . . .

After being invited in, Vampire Bill asks Sam for some clothing, and Sam literally gives him the shirt off his back.  But Vampire Bill doesn’t put it on.  Instead, after admiring Sam’s physique, he asks to use his shower.  He then invites Sam to join him, and Sam AGREES!  “We are going to have a great time,” replies Bill.

And just when these two crazy kids are about to make out, Sam wakes up . . .

I WANT MORE BAM!  And I want it NOW, dammit!

Vampire Blood for Sale!  Get it While it’s Cheap!

So, it turns out, Vampire Eric wasn’t being entirely honest with Sookie, when he was asked if he had anything to do with Bill’s disappearance.  In fact, HE had hired people to kidnap Bill TOO!  Except, the F-U crew got there first!  Pam instructs Eric to tell Queen Sophie Ann about Vampire Bill’s disappearance, since Bill is the only other vampire aware that the Queen and Eric are selling vampire blood on the black market. 

Eric scoffs at this idea.  However, soon after, Queen Sophie comes to HIM, along with that creepy dude who played J.J. on Big Love . . .

Apparently, there is some sort of two-for-one special on HBO Series stars.

I don’t recall what position “J.J.” holds in the vampire community.  However, I assume it’s high ranking, and has something to do with “law enforcement.”  (If you recall, this was the guy that forced Vampire Bill to “make” Vampire Jessica, as punishment for his killing another vampire.  “J.J” also seems to be higher up than Queen Sophie Ann, because he was bossing her around quite a bit, throughout this scene.

I must admit, initially, I wasn’t overly impressed with Evan Rachel Wood’s portrayal of Queen Sophie Ann during Season 2.  I just found her to be too over the top, and not nearly “queenly” enough.  However, Wood went a long way toward redeeming herself in my eyes tonight.  Watching her manipulate “J.J.” into thinking she was unaware of the marketing of Vampire Blood was pure poetry.  And seeing her strong arm the typically unfazeable Vampire Eric into selling off all of his black market vampire blood at a major financial loss to him, was even more satisfying.

This classic scene was followed up by another equally pleasurable one in which Vampire Pam, on Eric’s orders, pressured Lafayette to sell off his “goods.”  “Are you picking up what I’m putting down?”  Pam whispered in the ear of a terrified Lafayette.

Clearly, no further elaboration was necessary.  When Vampire Eric makes a request, Lafayette listens.  End of story . . .

Cartoon created by the folks at  www.campblood.org

16 and Pregnant?   And a Vampire?  (Well . . . not exactly)

When we last left Vampire Jessica, she had taken a major bite out of some D-baggy trucker dude, she picked up at a bar.  Now, with Papa Vampire Bill nowhere to be found, Baby Vamp Jess is forced to pick up the pieces all by herself.  She tries to revive the nearly dead dude, but does so to no avail.  Eventually, he dies (or does he?).  And in impulsive decision that, while misguided, was surprisingly astute for such a young vamp, Vampire Jessica feeds the maybe dead guy her own blood.

We don’t know yet whether he was actually turned into a vampire.  All we know is that he’s stinking up Bill’s house.  If I recall correctly, in True Blood world, the “transition” from human to vampire takes a few days.  It’s also possible that if this guy was TOTALLY dead, it would be too late for him to actually “drink” Jessica’s blood and change over.  So, we can’t really be sure whether Vampire Jessica has just made herself into a “teen mom” and Vampire Bill into an “absentee grandpa.”  Only time will tell.   But I’m excited about this plotline, nonetheless.

At the end of the episode, Sookie, having noticed that Vampire Pam can “feel” her maker, Eric, “call her,” approaches Vampire Jessica, wondering whether SHE can do the same thing.  Apparently she can.  Unfortunately, just like the airing of award shows, Vampire Jessica’s “sense” of Bill is on a time delay.  So while, she was able to help Sookie find Bill’s crashed car and the dead F-U crew member in it, she was not able to find his current location, which is in the middle of a pack of ravenous werewolves.

It seems that they used REAL wolves in filming this scene, which makes the above picture all the more adorable, fangs and drool, notwithstanding.

So, there you have it folks, my first True Blood recap of the season.  What did YOU think of the episode?  Was it worth the wait?