Hanna got bored being home alone. So, she decided to reenact a famous scene from that old movie, Rear Window.
Welcome back, my Pretties! It’s time for another Pretty Little Recap. Is it just me, or does this show keep getting better every week? I mean, here we are two weeks away from the supposed reveal of “A’s” identity, and I still have NO CLUE who it is! NONE! And I suspect everybody . . . even YOU!
Let’s start reviewing the clues, shall we?
What do Jesus and Humpty Dumpty have in common?
When the episode begins, the Fabulous Foursome have just taken a wheelchair-bound Hanna home from the hospital. Immediately, we see Hanna fussing with a very large bumper sticker on her cast. (I’m loving her flawless blue manicure, by the way.)
The bumper sticker says “Humpty Dumpty Was Pushed.”
Of course, the nursery-rhyming sticker is meant to cover up a much more odious message, which “A” left on Hanna’s cast last week . . .
Aria snipes at Spencer for the inappropriate nature of the bumper sticker. (Hey, at least it didn’t say “Humpty Dumpty was run over by a car.” Because that would have just been rude!)
(By the way, notice how Hanna has BLACK nailpolish in this scene, and LIGHT BLUE when she gets home from the hospital . . . just sayin’.)
Spencer defends her choice by saying, it was either the Humpty Dumpty bumper sticker or one that says, “Jesus is coming . . . look busy.” Personally, I would have gone with Jesus . . .
With all the TOTAL crazies who are after these girls, they are going to need all the help from above they can get!
One of the girls (I can’t remember who) holds up a stuffed panda that Hanna brought home, and asks who gave it to her. She tells the girls it’s from Lucas. Emily thinks this is very sweet, but Hanna doesn’t seem to agree. As for me, I just keep wondering about that EVIL bear that we saw by Hanna’s hospital bed, last week . . .
That bear is nowhere to be found. I’m thinking it was from Sean. So, Lucas’ panda probably ate it . . .
The Truth is in the CARBS!
Hanna sudddenly gets this MAJOR craving for Pop Tarts
, which is kind of random . . . And if this was any other teen show, it would make me think she was pregnant. So, when the rest of the girls leave the room for a second, she takes her crutch, and uses it to empty the contents of the Marin Family FORBIDDEN CARBS CABINET! Unfortunately, Hanna never gets to eat her precious Pop Tarts, because she finds THIS on the floor . . .
It’s a box of lasagna . . . with HUNDRED DOLLAR BILLS HIDDEN INSIDE!
Hanna’s not 100% sure where this money came from, but she’s thinks its probably bad news. Us fans, on the other hand, KNOW its bad news, because we watched Hanna’s sticky fingers mother steal it from a little old lady, during the mid-season finale. When the girls come back from wherever it was they conveniently ran off to for the last two minutes, Hanna kicks their asses out of the house. They seem confused by her sudden rudeness, but chalk it up to her being tired, and, ultimately, leave. Then, as if on cue, Hanna gets THIS text from “A.”
“Like Mommy, like daughter. Can you run from the law on those legs? – A”
(I’m thinking this “clue” is going to be a pretty tough one for the writers to explain away. I mean, any number of high school students could have learned about Hanna’s shoplifting arrest. Teens do gossip, after all. But for “A” to know that Ashley Marin stole that money, he or she would have had to have been in the bank with her WHILE she was doing it . . . or at least saw the wad of cash in her car, when she was driving away. I don’t think too many of the suspects on this show had the opportunity to do either of those things. The plot thickens!)
When Ashley Marin arrives home from a shopping spree, Hanna confronts her about the Lasagna Money. (I sure hope they don’t end up eating those! Who knows where that money has been?)
Rather then be embarrassed or apologetic about her behavior, Mama Marin copes with the situation, by getting extremely defensive with her daughter. “I HID IT IN A BOX OF CARBS! I THOUGHT IT WOULD BE SAFE!” She whines.
(Nice Mama Marin! Way to make your daughter, WHO IS RECOVERING FROM AN EATING DISORDER, feel good about herself . . .)
Ever the wordsmith, Ashley describes the money as
a five finger discount an “unauthorized loan,” one that she plans on paying back by the end of the year by turning tricks for Deputy Douchey and Aria’s dad. Hanna, of course, thinks her mom’s excuse is a load of crap, as do I. But she’s got way too much on her plate to deal with it right now . . .
“Maya eats everything!”
Sometimes, I have to wonder a bit about the writers of Pretty Little Liars, and just how purposeful their “dirty little jokes” are. Take this scene for example, where Emily is having yet another awkward breakfast with her perpetual-stick-up-her-butt mom, and her way-nicer-than-I-thought-he-would-be military dad. The family is discussing how Emily’s girlfriend, Maya, will be joining them for dinner that evening. So, Emily mother asks if there is anything she should know about what Maya eats. To this, Emily responds, “Maya eats EVERYTHING!”
I know, girls. We can’t believe they wrote that into the script, either . . .
(For those of you who don’t understand why that comment was risque, you are probably better off not knowing.)
Anyway, the next day at school, Emily is VERY nervous about Maya coming over for dinner, and instructs her new lady love to wear a dress. Maya jokes that she will tell Emily’s parents that she knit her dress, so as not to appear too “butch.” But Emily is not amused. Apparently, Emily’s parents are NOT down with the gay jokes
except the ones they accidentally make, involving “eating out”. They even change the channel when Ellen comes on . . .
They must have something against dancing!
Aria, who is nearby at the time, tells Maya that if she decides to wear jeans, instead of a dress, she should definitely IRON THEM . . .
“Nice one, Aria! Usually, Spencer and Hanna get all the funny lines, but that one was all YOU!”
Maya does end up wearing a dress to dinner, which scores her major points with Emily’s mom. Those points disappear, however, when Maya tells Mrs. Fields (as in Emily’s mom, not the maker of the cookies) that she doesn’t eat
Yeah . . . I can’t defend them anymore. The writers definitely knew what they were doing here. That was one FISHY joke!
“But you said MAYA EATS EVERYTHING!” Emily’s mom cries out way too loudly. (Oh dear! This is starting to make me feel uncomfortable.)
Maya loses more points, when she admits that her parents didn’t get married until AFTER she and her brother were born. (GASP!) They also used a FELT TIP MARKER to DRAW their wedding ring. (DOUBLE GASP!) And one of them even has a TATTOO! (OOOOHHHH NOOOO!) Emily’s dad thinks Hippy Dippy Maya is just a plain old riot. But Emily’s mom most certainly does not. In fact, she leaves the room to do THIS . . .
While in the pantry, Emily’s mom spent so long, staring at jars of food, and bawling her eyes out, I half expected her to try and POISON Maya to death, by sneaking seafood into her meal. To make matters worse, when Emily’s mom comes outside to give Maya some leftovers, she finds her and her daughter making out, HARD CORE!
I wouldn’t eat those leftovers, if I were you, Maya. They seem . . . fishy.
After dinner, Emily’s sweet mom kindly tells Emily that (1) her dad’s leaving again at the end of the month; and (2) Emily’s relationship with Maya makes her sick to her stomach. (Wow, the moms on this show are the BEST EVER! One’s a thief, and the other’s a mean-spirited homophobe . . . If Aria’s mom ends up having killed Ali, I won’t be surprised.)
She is a witch, after all . . .
Speaking of Aria . . .
She visits Fitzy, after class to tell him that it was Bushy Eyebrows Noel who “I SEE YOU””d his car, during the mid-season finale.
Aria assures Fitzy that Noel promised to keep their relationship a secret. But Fitzy isn’t so sure . . .
His suspicions are confirmed, when Noel stops by the class later to complain about a “C” he got on his Great Gatsby paper . . .
Noel doesn’t think he deserves a “C.” Not with all he . . . KNOWS. In fact, he thinks that he deserves an “A.”
Get it? “A” . . . (hint, hint, wink wink)
Fitzy tells Aria that Bushy Eyebrows Noel is a TOTAL psycho, who is blackmailing him for grades. Their discussion is interrupted by Super Scary Blind Jenna (more on her freakishness later), who needs Fitzy to sign something. “Sorry to interrupt,” she snivels.
OK . . . PLL writers, the whole “Blind Girl Knows Everything” joke is getting a bit old . . .
Aria later confronts Noel about Fitzy’s allegations against him. Noel completely denies it, assuring Aria that her illegal boyfriend is a Big Fat Liar. What surprises me is that Aria actually considers this for a moment. However, she then remembers a time when Ali got Noel’s girlfriend to dump him, so that he would be single for Aria (who was crushing on him at the time).
Check out “Goth” Aria, and Not-Actually-Chubby-But-Pretending-To-Be Hanna from Flashback World!
And look! There’s Bushy Eyebrows Noel with an Elvis Presley Haircut that’s SO LAST YEAR!
“Is there some old grudge you’ve got against me and my friends?” Aria asks, genuinely expecting an honest answer from this d-bag.
Noel responds by . . . walking away . . . (Hmmmmm, interesting.)
But you know who CAN’T walk away?
Even though Creepy Toby is out on bail, he’s under house arrest. This means he has to wear a police-locating anklet, just like Lindsay Lohan. When Emily comes to visit him, he’s trying to CHOP IT OFF. (Riiiight, because the cops would NEVER notice a thing like THAT!) Emily promises that she’s not the one who turned Creepy Toby in to the cops last season. Creepy Toby doesn’t seem to believe her, because Emily never showed any signs of believing Toby, when he promised her that he didn’t murder Ali.
After Emily leaves, Blind Jenna pops up (as she ALWAYS tends to do), thereby ensuring that this already creepy scene is about to get TEN TIMES CREEPIER!
Toby tells Jenna about how Emily said she wasn’t the one who turned him in to the cops. “She didn’t. I did,” says Jenna matter-of-factly. “How did you expect to prove you were innocent, if you kept running around like a fugitive?”
Then . . . she KISSES . . . HER BROTHER . . . ON THE LIPS!
OK . . . I get that they aren’t supposed to be biologically related . . . but STILL!
Toby makes me like him just a smidge more, when he rebuffs Blind Jenna’s advances. (See, I didn’t even call him Creepy, this time. Baby Steps.) “You can chain me to this porch, and I still wouldn’t touch you again,” he growls.
Blind Jenna responds to this remark, by slapping Toby in the face, and running away. But Toby’s got bigger fish to fry than a Scary Incest Loving Sister. We learn toward the end of the episode, that the police found Ali’s blood on the ugly green sweater Toby lent her the night she died. This will undoubtedly make Toby the prime suspect in Ali’s murder, in the eyes of the Rosewood Police. In PLL viewers’ eyes though, the prospect of Toby’s being “A” and/or Ali’s murderer is becoming increasingly less likely. (After all, he has a perfect alibi for when Hanna was hit by the car last season, seeing as he was IN JAIL at the time.)
“Point, Set, Match!”
Of all the Pretty Little Liars’ storylines tonight, Spencer’s was probably the least interesting.
Because Wren wasn’t in it. BRING BACK WREN! In her defense, she was looking ABSOLUTELY fabulous in her 1920’s inspired hat, and matching blouse. She spent most of the episode making out with her new boyfriend notWren Alex . . .
. . . who, though, supposedly “working class” inexplicably owns a REALLY nice sports car (see above).
Spencer and Alex got into a bit of a fight over the fact that Alex had the opportunity to take on a fancy tennis internship (He could GO PRO!), but prefers to stay at home and work for his uncle instead. Over-achieving, Harvard-bound, Spencer thinks this is kind of lame. And when Alex throws the internship application in the trash, she looks disappointed in him.
“I’m judging you.”
So, you could imagine BOTH their surprises, when Alex is notified by phone that his internship application has been submitted ELECTRONICALLY. Alex automatically assumes Spencer went behind his back to do this, and storms off. So, of course, precisely NO ONE is surprised when Spencer receives that Oh-So-Predictable text from “A” that says . . . wait for it . . . “Point, Set, Match . . .”
That’s OK, Hanna . . . we thought it was cheesy too.
Back at her mansion, Spencer finds all of her NEW brother-in-law, Ian’s stuff in her living room, and chats with her dad about what a huge jackass her sister decided to marry, and how bizarre the whole thing is. (We think so too, Spencer!) While she’s looking at Ian’s crap, she notices a set of golf clubs with a hotel tag on them Hilton Head, South Carolina . . .
She then conveniently recalls, via flashback, that Ali had the same tags on her suitcases when she returned from her “Grandma’s House” the day she died. And since WE all know from that video tape from last season, that Ian may well have been the last person to see Ali alive . . . this all looks very suspicious, indeed . . .
Happy “You Still Have a Spleen” Day, Hanna!
Annoying Mona decides to throw Hanna a “Welcome Back! You are still hot, even though you don’t have a spleen” surprise party at the Marin household. But Hanna still HAS her spleen, so Mona has to change the party’s name. Name changes aside, Mona arrives at Hanna’s house, under the pretense of “getting her up to speed” on school. She then acts shocked, when a random car pulls into Hanna’s driveway. Hanna, of course, FREAKS out. “CALL THE POLICE!” She yelps.
“SURPRISE,” replies the ENTIRE student body of Rosewood High . . .
Hanna tries to be a good sport about this impromptu event, but it’s pretty clear she’s not having a good time. For starters, random people (most notably BUSHY EYEBROWS NOEL) are raiding her CARBS CABINET, which, as you recall, contains her Stolen Lasagna Money. Then there’s her lame as heck boyfriend, Sean, telling lame stories about Hanna to anybody who will listen, and making constipated monkey faces, like THIS . . .
Then there’s Lucas, who CLEARLY did not take Hanna’s gentle bedside rejection of his advances well AT ALL! He’s getting belligerantly wasted on “jungle juice,” and making all sorts of snide (though admittedly VERY funny) comments at Boring Sean’s expense. Eventually, Sean gets fed up, and starts to whale on the kid. Fortunately, Bushy Eyebrows Noel breaks up the fight. (I can’t believe I just used the words “fortunately” and “Noel” in the same sentence.)
Hanna invites a very petulant Lucas outside to talk about his feelings . . .
“You came here to get back at me for what happened at the hospital,” Hanna tells Lucas, matter-of-factly.
“You are no different from the rest of them!” Lucas yells, despite the fact that Hanna has been NOTHING BUT NICE to him, through his hospital stalking, and recent bad behavior. “Considering what that b*tch did to me, I should have done way worse to her!”
Hanna looks horrified. “What did you do to Ali, Lucas?” She asks.
Lucas then admits something we all have suspected, since last season. He was the one who destroyed that UGLY ASS memorial fountain built in Ali’s honor. “Dying doesn’t make you a saint,” Lucas says, by way of explanation.
But destroying this fountain makes YOU one, Lucas. MAN, was that thing UGLY!
Lucas offers Hanna the opportunity to turn him in for his destruction of public property, but Hanna refuses. “I’m not going to call the cops. I think we can keep this between us,” replies Hanna.
“Please don’t make me like you. It’s too hard,” pleaded Lucas sadly, before walking away.
(Please don’t make me like YOU, Lucas! Because, despite everything you’ve done in the past two episodes, I still DO . . . VERY MUCH, actually! And if you end up being “A” or Ali’s killer, that will make me REALLY upset!)
After Lucas leaves, Boring Sean comes outside to stick out his tongue and sing “Na-Na Na-Na Boo, Boo!”
But Hanna uses this opportunity to question him as to how well he really knows Bushy Eyebrows Noel, who she still suspects of being “A” and/or “Ali’s killer.” The mere SUGGESTION that his Butt Buddy isn’t Mr. Perfect, freaks out Sean. And he gets all huffy with Hanna. So, Hanna, who is clearly tired of babysitting cranky baby boys, when SHE is the one nursing a serious leg injury, tells Sean to leave, and take the rest of her “party guests” with him.
While Hanna is cleaning up, she hears a noise in the house, and becomes convinced she is being attacked by “A” and/or Ali’s killer. The poor girl is nearly in tears, when her mother gets home. Mama Hypocrite is FURIOUS with Hanna for throwing a party (which she didn’t, by the way . . . at least, not on purpose). Hanna’s mom then becomes even MORE furious when she finds that someone has STOLEN her STOLEN MONEY from her!
Ashley Marin takes one of Hanna’s pain meds, before stomping off to bed. But when Hanna opens the SAME medication, she finds a letter tucked inside . . .
“You will get your money back, if you do what I say. — Sweet Dreams, A”
In the last scene of the episode, we see a “mysterious gloved hand” (Aren’t they ALWAYS mysterious and gloved?) shoving those stolen $100 bills into an UGLY Clown Bank . . .
My prediction? The next time we see this bank, it will be in episode 4. And it will be THIS bank, that ultimately reveals to US (if not to the Pretty Little Liars themselves) A’s identity.
And, that was “Salt Meets Wound” in a nutshell. Sweet Dreams!