“Stefan, I believe you still have unresolved issues, regarding your father’s death.”
“Why? Because I ate him?”
Given that they are all basically immortal serial killers, it makes sense that our vampire friends would have a bit more baggage, than your average high school student.
After all, they all have more to feel guilty about (dead bodies, broken hearts), and more time to think about how guilty they feel. For a long time, I’ve been secretly hoping our Mystic Falls Scooby Gang would get some serious therapy. And now, thanks to “After School Special,” it seems they’ve all been forced to do just that! (Thanks Rebekah, Klaus, and That Annoying Witch Doctor Guy!)
“I had a therapist once. She was tasty.”
As an added bonus, when the TVD Gang gets therapy, we get therapy! So, pull up a chair, compel yourself to sit in it, and let the healing begin!
Another day, another memorial. This time it’s for poor Carol Lockwood, who spent her final moments, with her head upside down in a fountain, getting the Worst Swirly Ever, at the hands of one Klaus Mikaelson.
The attendees are doing that thing you do at memorials, where you take one candle flame, and pass it around the room until everyone’s candle is lit. It’s a nice gesture . . . or, at least, it would be, if you momentarily forgot about all the Mystic Falls residents, who died by LIGHTING THEMSELVES ON FIRE a few weeks back . . .
. . . not to mention the one who got blown up, back in Season 1 (like Tyler’s dad).
Tyler can’t handle it. He gets up right in the middle of the assembly and leaves. I can’t say I blame him for being leery of memorials. I mean, not only is this one for his poor mother. At the last one he attended, he made a bad speech . . . and ended up getting SHOT MULTIPLE TIMES IN THE STOMACH.
Elena leaves too,
but that’s just because she’s rude. She thinks she sees the heretofore-daggered Rebekah, in the crowd, and needs to investigate. While she’s roaming the hallways, we meet the new interim mayor.
“She gets her nosebleeds from me.”
It’s Bonnie’s dad . . . who’s last name, oddly enough, is not Bennett (It’s Hopkins.). This doesn’t make much sense, considering that Bonnie lives with her dad, and not her mom. So, you would think she would keep his last name. No matter . . . He’ll probably be dead, in about three episodes anyway. So, we won’t have to bother remembering him. It just occurred to me that Bonnie is the only character on this show, who still has a father. That’s got to make her worthy of some award, or something . . . The Last Dad Standing Award . . .
Anywhoo, Rebekah’s new b*tch, April the Brainless, acts as bait for Elena. She sobs and whimpers in the hallway, so that Elena, being the “Sweet Vampire Girl” we know her to be, will not be able to resist comforting her. This gives Rebekah the perfect opportunity to come from behind, and literally, break our heroine’s neck.
“Was that necessary?” April the Brainless (whose already gotten so used to watching people get temporarily murdered in front of her, she doesn’t even bat an eyelash) asks.
“No, but it was fun,” Rebekah replies, as she drags “dead” Elena to the library for some impromptu Detention Therapy.
Sex, Lies and Detention
Meanwhile, Stefan’s at the Only Bar / Social Establishment in Mystic Falls, getting day drunk, and feeling sorry for himself.
He’s also gabbing on the phone with Caroline, whose bitching about how her boyfriend hasn’t been making time for her, since HIS MOM AND 98.6% OF HIS FRIENDS WERE MURDERED, IN THE COURSE OF A SINGLE EVENING. That Tyler . . . SO SELFISH!
Stefan gets another call. It’s Rebekah. She is holding Stefan’s Not Girlfriend captive in the library. “Come and get her!” She instructs
Everybody knows, even Single Mopey Stefan can’t resist the tantalizing allure of playing yet another round of the Save Elena Games. So, off he goes to his “maiden’s rescue,” but not before inviting Caroline to come along for the ride.
Next thing you know, Caroline and Stefan are at the high school. And it isn’t long before Rebekah’s kidnapped THEM too. She’s got them all holed up in the library, where she’s compelled them not to leave, and to tell her “the truth and nothing but the truth,” no matter what she asks.
It’s just like that film the Breakfast Club! Rebekah will be playing the pot-stirring role of “the Rebel,” Stefan is “the Jock,” Elena and Caroline are both “Beauties,” and April is “the Moron.” (Funny, I don’t remember that last character from the movie.)
(By the way, that trailer TOTALLY spoils the WHOLE MOVIE!)
Drill Sergeant Damon and Jeremy’s Arm Muscles
Meanwhile, back at Sexy Cabin, Jeremy and Matt are showing off their massive arm muscles . . . er . . . I mean . . . “training to kill vampires.” Coach Damon is sitting off on the sidelines, looking Too Cool For School, in his leather jacket. He’s got a voicemail from Elena on his cell phone, that he listens to, whenever he needs “inspiration” for all this sitting he’s been doing. When he gets bored of looking cool, and listening to Elena’s voice, he beats the crap out of Jeremy, just because he can.
When the “Hot Pizza Delivery Girl” makes an appearance, I’m thinking this could be the start of a really great Old School Porno!
But alas, Damon sends her away.
Old Damon would NEVER have done that!
*insert sound of Elena cracking a whip on his behind*
Then, Klaus pays them a visit. He wants to know why Jeremy hasn’t killed anymore vampires yet. After all, that’s the point of all this time spent in Sexy Cabin, isn’t it? To
have sex with anonymous pizza delivery girls and sometimes eachother teach Jeremy to kill vampires, and grow his Map Tattoo to the Cure, without accidentally / on purpose going batsh*t crazy, and ripping off his sister’s head.
Ever the patient teacher, Klaus gives his errant students an impromptu lesson in simple mathematics . . .
Damon explains that Jeremy’s “not ready.” This causes Klaus to give his younger pal / nemesis, a free therapy session of his own. He says Damon is subconsciously trying to keep Jeremy from killing, so as to impress Elena with his “newfound” goodness. Klaus believes Damon needs a more “healthy” outlet for his sexual frustration.
So, Damon shoots Klaus in the stomach . . . Now, that’s what I call “catharsis!”
Truth, Dare or Mope
Now, don’t forget, Rebekah’s been daggered a while. So, she’s missed the whole “Elena’s in love with Damon / sire bond / Stelena breakup” thing. She compels the gang to give her a little recap, and looks legitimately turned on, when she finds out that Damon and Elena have been boning, and Stefan knows all about it.
Elena, who mistakenly thought she could trust her so-called bestie Caroline to keep her little sex secrets, shoots Vampire Barbie a death stare for spilling the beans to Stefan. Personally, I think she should have taken a page out of her new boyfriend Damon’s book, and shot the girl in the stomach. But that’s just me . . .
Things start to get really interesting, when Rebekah compels Elena to explain WHY she slept with Damon. She unblinkingly tells the group that she did it, not because of that LAME PLOT DEVICE sire bond, but because she LOVES Damon.
We interrupt this recap, so that I can do a little DANCE OF JOY . . .
Thank you. We now return to your regularly scheduled programming . . .
More Truth Bombs from Elena:
(1) When she’s with Damon, she feels unpredictable and free!
(2) When she’s with Stefan, she feels like a broken toy that needs to be fixed.
Look at our little Elena, being all metaphor-y! Good for her, I say!
Ah, decisions, decisions . . . to be a broken toy, or a hot sex kitten. We can certainly understand why this choice would confuse Elena . . .
Here, Elena is eloquently expressing an issue many fans have had with the Stelena relationship, ever since she turned vamp. Stefan seems to be more interested in trying to fix Elena, than in actually being with her. He seems to love the idealized version of Elena he has in her head, more than he loves the real thing.
Consequently, Elena’s love for Stefan has similarly taken on a “past tense.” She still loves Stefan. But she is no longer in love with him.
Understandably, this comes as a major blow to Stefan, who has always comforted himself with the notion that the “sire bond,” and only the sire bond, was to blame for Elena’s change in heart. But, as it turns out, Elena’s reasons for falling out of love with Stefan, are not only chemical and emotional, they are also rational and logical. Compulsion doesn’t lie.
Cue the brooding . . . and the Angry Tears . . .
Rebekah, of course, is THRILLED with this turn of events, as most of us are, when the people who have dumped us, end up getting dumped in return . . . And in her honor, I proudly present to you, the Former Dumpee’s Anthem . . .
In other news, Rebekah learns that Shane, a.k.a. Professor Numb Nuts, is the key to finding the CURE to vampirism. This information isn’t nearly as fun as the gossip about Stefan and Elena. But it’s probably a bit more useful . . .
In which Shane and April BOTH almost die (YAY!), but neither of them actually does (BOO!)
Bonnie hasn’t much to do these past few episodes, aside from sit in Professor Brillo Pad Head’s apartment and “light candles with her mind.” (Despite what it sounds like, that’s not a euphemism for anything fun.) In the beginning of this episode, she’s not even doing that. She’s just b*tching about her dad, and how he doesn’t appreciate her witchiness, or whatever.
On a positive note, I really liked her outfit!
Professor Shane decides to “Yoda” Bonnie . . .
. . . by telling her “the force is with her,” and giving her some ugly ass necklace that vaguely resembles soap on a rope to prove it . . .
Then, he kicks her out of his apartment, so that he can have sex with his new hot vampire boyfriend Kol.
Just kidding! Kol actually kidnaps Shane, and takes him to Rebekah’s Detention Therapy Thingy.
When Bonnie figures out what happened, she rushes to Professor Douchenozzle’s rescue.
“Come on MAGIC! Hurry up! I have a
Silas Professor to save! Maybe if I start picking my nose, it will bleed faster, and I could be done with this in time to watch Dowton Abbey.”
Meanwhile, Tyler is rushing to Caroline’s rescue, after a call from Rebekah, about her “kidnapping.”
And that, my friends, is how shows on the CW save on production value. They get the entire cast in a single room, containing nothing but some books and a few chairs, and shoot the entire episode there.
But I digress, back to the Mikaelsons . . .
Like brother like sister AND brother!
Upon learning that Professor Weinerhead can’t be compelled, Kol and Rebekah decide to torture information about the cure out of him, by repeatedly dunking his head in water. “Blah, blah, blah . . . Big Bad Silas glug, glug, blah blah blah,” is basically what I get out of this scene.
Then, Bonnie comes, and tries to “protect” Shaney-poo with her ugly soap on a rope necklace. But like most of Bonnie’s spells, this one ends up being a dud. Bonnie accidentally links Professor Little Prick with APRIL of all people! And she starts coughing up water and turning blue.
Wait. Did I say this plan was a dud? I mean, it’s AWESOME! We get to kill two pain in the ass character’s in ONE FELL SWOOP!
Can I get a hell yeah?
Things get even better, when my new hero, Kol Mikaelson, stakes Shane, and he and April both “die.” WOO HOO!
But alas, Stefan saves April, by giving her blood. And Professor Mush Mouth just “wakes up” from his would-be fatal stabbing.
Better luck next time?
Meanwhile, back at Sexy Cabin . . .
The Return of Hot Pizza Delivery Girl
Hot Pizza Delivery Girl is back on Jeremy’s doorstep, because her “truck broke down,” and her “cell phone is out of juice.” Yeah, we’ve all heard that one before!
So, here I am getting excited, and thinking, maybe I’m going to get some porn, after all.
But alas, this is just Klaus compelling a newbie vampire to walk herself into certain death, in service of Jeremy’s Hunter’s Mark. Hot Pizza Delivery Girl shows her fangs. And Jeremy has killed her, before she can say, “Did anybody order the Extra Pepperoni in my pants?”
Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Fang
Here’s a question for you to ponder, Fangbangers. If you had the choice to erase a particularly painful moment from your memory (a breakup, the death of a family member, a particularly traumatic experience) would you do it? If a good experience ends badly, is the pain of that loss so insurmountable, that it is worth erasing that experience entirely?
We know, from past experience that Damon Salvatore would answer those questions in the negative. We’ve heard him tell Elena that he would gladly re-experience all his suffering over Katherine, because this suffering ultimately brought him to her. Damon is someone who believes that his negative experiences define him, just as much as his positive ones do.
Damon has always worn the battle scars of rejection, heartbreak, and bad decisions, if not necessarily proudly, at least with dignity. It’s something his younger brother, has never really been able to do. Stefan has always been ashamed by his Ripper past, which is something he buries deep within himself. It’s why he seems doomed to repeat it, whenever things don’t go his way. Denial is a tantalizing drug, to which Stefan has always been addicted.
Given this, it makes sense that Stefan would choose to ERASE all his memories of Elena, rather than live each day with the knowledge that she chose his brother. Conversely, Damon willingly bore a similar pain of rejection, first with Katherine, then with Elena, for well over a century.
And to be honest, I was kind of disappointed that Rebekah didn’t give him his wish. It’s been a while since we’ve seen a Stefan who did things other than pine over Elena. And if I recall correctly, non-pining Stefan was a pretty fun guy, denial, or no denial . . .
Remember that time, when Ripper Stefan walked in on Damon and Elena sharing a moment together, and had this to say?
Now THAT’s what I’m talking about!
But, of course, Rebekah isn’t about to let her ex-boyfriend off the hook that easily. So, she’s going to let him suffer.
But perhaps not for too long. You see, Rebekah just compelled Tyler to turn into a werewolf, while locked in a room with Stefan, Elena and Caroline.
So, maybe Stefan will die, before he has to spend more time moping about Elena!
Nahhh . . .
Of course, Tyler’s Big Scary Werewolf Transformation ends up being much ado about nothing. Tyler locks himself in a room, while he endures the change. Elena and Stefan run the halls for a few minutes, before its all over.
Then, of course, Elena wants to “talk” to Stefan about the whole “not loving him anymore” thing.
But Stefan’s had enough therapy for one day, thank you very much! He’d much rather go home and mope . . . and/or research “do-it-yourself frontal lobe lobatomies” on the internet . . . or, you know . . . stare it his abs . . .
Tyler’s not done with therapy though! Caroline finds him curled up in a ball, post-transformation. After weeks of penting up his emotions into manly rage, Tyler finally cries over the loss of his mother and his friends, and his feeling that he somehow let them all down. Caroline comforts him, and, in doing so, becomes more likeable as a character than she’s been in weeks.
Speaking of things I LIKE!
In which Damon Salvatore FINALLY catches a break . . .
After her therapy session, Elena rushes home and calls Damon. She’s realized something about their relationship. She LOVES Damon . . . I mean, really loves him . . . not sire bond loves him . . . or wants to have sex with him loves him . . . Elena GENUINELY, 100%, LOVES Damon Salvatore. And after three years of dreaming about it, Damon finally gets to hear Elena say those three words, eight letters to him.
Damon is ecstatic. He’s blown away. And there’s a beautiful moment, in which he actually looks up at the sky, and thanks the Heavens for his good fortune . . . and the pain and battle scars that made that good fortune possible. Then, after weeks of pushing Elena away “for her own good,” Damon finally tells Elena to come and be with him.
In that happy moment, Damon also becomes more determined than ever to find a cure to Elena’s vampirism. Why? Because he still believes that this will make Elena happy. Also, let’s face it. Dude is a SERIOUS glutton for punishment.
Kind of gives a brand new meaning to the phrase, “Last Call.”
After getting a call from Klaus, Damon, Jeremy and Matt arrive at a bar FILLED with vampires in transition, more than enough to enable Jeremy to complete his hunter’s mark. Klaus wants Jer Bear to kill them all. Jeremy looks up at Big Daddy Damon with uncertainty. But the Elder Salvatore brother AGREES WITH KLAUS.
Something tells me this isn’t going to turn out so well for Mini Gilbert . . .
In the final scene of the episode, Stefan surprises Rebekah, by agreeing to join forces with her in search of a vampire cure.
Remember when I said earlier in the recap that I wanted to see Stefan doing something other than pining after Elena? Well, it looks like I may have finally gotten my wish. Until next time, Fangbangers!