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The Psychology of Chuck and Blair: A Recap of Gossip Girl’s “The Unblairable Lightness of Being”

I’ll be the first to admit it.   After last week’s jaw-dropping, OMFG-uttering, dynamo of an episode . . .

I wasn’t quite sure what to expect from this week’s installment of Gossip Girl.  And while, “The Unblairable Lightness of Being” certainly wasn’t the most action-packed of episodes,

or the funniest,

or even the sexiest / sluttiest,

it was certainly the smartest.

After all, this was the episode that delved into the complex relationship between Chuck and Blair — capturing every sexy, tragic, intense, magical, conniving, self-sacrificing, mutualistic facet of the coupling, in the course of a single hour.  Oh, and this was also the episode where pregnant Dorota (Blair’s Housekeeper / Surrogate Mommy) finally got MARRIED (and got her own place to live)!

Now if they could just stop making her wear that ridiculous French Maid Halloween costume all the time!  She’s a housekeeper!  WE GET IT!

And Little Eric got a life!  And (maybe) a potential plotline?

Little E = No longer just Little J’s bitch?

And Serena may have finally found her Daddy Dearest!

“There he is!  The one guy on this show, I WON’T be able to sleep with .  . .”

Oh, and did I mention there was NO DAN AND VANESSA STORYLINE?

Let’s get on with it, shall we?

A Nice Day for a White Russian Wedding . . .

When the episode opens, a very preggers Dorota is freaking out because her parents, having heard news of her recent engagement to Vanya the Doorman, have decided to fly out from Russia to visit.  The problem?  Dorota is just a few months shy of popping out one of these . . .

 . . . and her parents have NO IDEA!

When Blair’s mom suggests Dorota pop on over to the Justice of the Peace and nip this thing in the bud, Dorota won’t hear of it.  Apparently, her first marriage was done by a Justice of the Peace, and ended badly.  Therefore, she is determined to have a REAL wedding, complete with all bells and whistles of Russian tradition.

Hey, just like Fiddler on the Roof!  Traditionnnnn!  TRADITION!  Ooooh Ooh Ooh Tradition!

(Sorry . . . I got a bit carried away there . . . )

Anyway, Chuck . . .

“How’s my hair?”

 . . . (Who has TOTALLY been in the doghouse with Blair since he, you know, kinda-sorta prostituted her out to his Uncle, to keep his precious hotel.) decides he needs to make some sort of a grand gesture to win back Blair’s Gucci-encrusted heart.  His grand solution?  To throw money at the problem, of course!  Chuck offers to throw Dorota and Vanya an impromptu traditional Russian Wedding.

AGAIN!  SORRY!  It was just TOO EASY!

This way, by the time Dorota’s parents arrive from Russia, and learn that their baby girl is knocked up, she will already be married. ( RIIIIIGHT!  Because Dorota’s strict parents are going to be THRILLED  that they flew halfway across the WORLD to see their daughter’s wedding, only to learn that she went and got married without them.)  Anyway, blatant stupidity aside, Dorota asks Blair and Chuck to be the “happy couple” that escort Dorota down the aisle, as part of Russian tradition, of course.  (Don’t worry, I won’t do it again).  Afraid to heart Surrogate Mom’s feelings, Blair accepts, but not before throwing a withering look in Chuck’s direction.

“This is what I think of your hair, Chuck!”

When Chuck confronts Blair about their now-sour relationship, she  tells him that what he did was unforgivable, and that he’s basically a sh&*ty person.  Chuck replies that Blair is a sh&*ty person too, because she was willing to screw Uncle Jack, before even learning about Chuck’s deal with him.  Blair agrees about her sh&*tyness, and tells Chuck, that perhaps she loves him too much, because she is willing to do hideous slutty things for him.  Therefore, he can’t be good for her.  When Blair later admits that Jack did NOT agree to sleep with her that night, Chuck is elated.  He claims that now everything can go back to the way it was, with the two of them scheming, game-playing, and having lots of hot sex.  Blair is not so sure . . .

Then, at that random Russian version of a bachelor / bachelorette party, Blair runs into snoozy Dan (who, I must say, is significantly less snoozy without Vanessa around) . ..

“Hi!  You’ve reached the office of Dan’s Personality.  I’m not here right now, but . . .”

In a feeble attempt to be supportive, Dan tells Blair that she should be with Chuck, because he can’t imagine the two of them with anyone else.  Blair takes this to mean that she and Chuck MUST be together, as a result of their mutual sh&*tiness.  Blair informs Chuck of this, in a sexy scene involving the erotic putting-on of a necklace.  (No, I’m serious.  It was really hot!  These two could roll around in dog cacca, and it would STILL be really hot.)  The conversation continues, during an equally sexually intense scene involving a strategically-placed balloon.

At the wedding, when it comes time for the “happy couple” to escort Dorota down the aisle, Super Selfish Blair chooses this precise moment to break down in tears about how UNHAPPY she and Chuck actually are. (Ummmm, Blair?  What about the words’ “SOMEONE ELSE’S WEDDING” don’t you understand?)  She then runs away in a cloud of dramatic hysterics.  Dorota, who doesn’t want to lose her job and be deported cares very much about Blair, stops her wedding and comforts the youngun, telling Blair that her happiness as an individual is more important than her “happiness as part of a couple.” 

Blair’s mom overhears this triple- hanky moment, and decides to give Dorota the keys to a new apartment.  Said apartment was purchased for the housekeeper, by Mrs. Waldorf’s new husband, that nerdy teacher dude from Clueless.

You see, initially, Blair’s mom didn’t want to give Dorota the apartment because she is a cheap biatch thought it would be inappropriate to do so.  But now, realzing that Dorota is a better mommy to Blair than she will ever be, Mama Waldorf changes her mind. 

After the ceremony, Blair and Chuck share yet another close encounter, where Chuck begs Blair to give their relationship another chance, “We have to see this through to the end,” argues Chuck.

“It is the end,” remarks Blair sadly, before leaving Chuck alone on the dancefloor.  Ouch!

In other news,

Nothing You Can Say Can Tear Me Away from Bi-Guy .  . .

Little Eric’s new crush, who we initially thought was gay, and, later, thought was straight, turns out to be bisexual . . .

 . . . just like Anna Paquin . . .

because . . .

Papa’s Got a Brand New Nag . . .

Back in Serena Land, Little J is continuing on with her quest to break up these two . . .

 . . . so that she can have Natey-kins all to herself.

Except, she really doesn’t have to work that hard at it, because Serena is a TOTAL MORON!  First off, Serena STILLdoes  not realize that Jenny is scheming against her.  She, therefore, CONTINUES to feed Little J damning information to be used against the couple . . .

“Bravo Smartypants!”

As if that wasn’t bad enough, Serena has also begun to dig her own grave, by setting up clandestine meetings with her ex-beau, Carter Baizen.

(played by Sebastian Stan, who was dating, but recently broke up with, Leighton Meester, who plays Blair, FYI).

With Jenny’s not-so-altruistic help, Nate learns of these rendezvous, and is none too pleased, particularly when he learns that Carter has left Serena keys to his hotel room.  When confronted, Serena admits to Nate the true purpose of these meetings: to find Serena’s Continuously Absentee Biological Pop Pop .  . .

(who, from what I heard, will eventually be played by this guy, Billy Baldwin). 

Nate responds by giving Serena an ultimatum: “No more playing with Carter!”  Serena balks at this, and storms off.  Later, when Serena  is on her way to Dorota’s wedding, Carter stops her, and tells her that he has found her father’s home address.  Daddy-O is currently residing in Palm Springs.  However, if they want to see him, they (conveniently) have to leave ASAP. 

Serena complies, ditching the wedding in favor of the trip.  But when she tries to call Nate, to let him know what is going on, Little J picks up the phone.  Of course, she fails to deliver the message in the way it was intended.

In the limo, Carter admits that he has known of the whereabouts of Papa Van Der Woodsen for a week already, but kept this information a secret, because he just really wanted to get into Serena’s pants.  Serena kicks Carter’s ass out of the limo, and heads to Palm Springs alone.  But when she gets there, and knocks on the door, her father isn’t there.  This woman IS!

Dun, Dun, Dun!  It’s SERENA’S MOM!

Tune in next week, when it appears that the recently-single, Brooding Bad Ass, Chuck, will try to help Little J hook up with Nate, in order to further some bizarre revenge plot against Blair and Serena.

Until then, XOXO!

 

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For Your Lack of Consideration: A Recap of Gossip Girl’s “Inglorious Bassterds”

First “The Hurt Locket,” now “Inglorious Bassterds?”  Looks like SOMEONE on the writing staff has an Oscar fetish . . .

A LONG, LONG time ago (1993 to be exact), LONG before many Gossip Girl fans were even alive, let alone allowed to see R-rated movies, there was a film called Indecent Proposal.

The movie revolves around a young married couple (Demi Moore and Woody Harrelson), who lose their life savings during a game of roulette.  A wealthy older man (Robert Redford) swoops in to “rescue” the couple from financial ruin.  He offers to give the pair one million dollars (which was A LOT more money back then, than it is now).  The catch?  In order to receive the money, the wife must a spend one night with the older man.  You can probably guess what happens next.  But in case you’re curious, and your Netflix queue is already full, you can get a nice Cliff Notes-esque synopsis here.

Tonight’s episode of Gossip Girl was, in effect, a homage to this classic film, and a good one at that.  But before we delve into the tragic tale of Chuck and Blair, let’s get the less important stuff out of the way.  Shall we?

The Bitch is Back!

“Like I ever left . . .”

Just in case last week’s episode of Gossip Girl had the intended effect of making you feel sorry for Jenny Humphrey (what with her being roofied, and almost gang-banged, and all), tonight’s episode should bring you back down to reality.  It is Nate Archibald’s birthday.  So, his GF Serena is throwing him a bizarro surprise party that involves a bunch of rich snobs wearing Polaroid pictures of themselves around their neck (SO LAST SEASON!), and ripping them off one another, while playing an “intense” game of Assassin. 

Huh?  Since when did Gossip Girl get all prude and teetotaling on me?  OK, now maybe this is just because I’m not from the UPPER EAST SIDE.  But in my experience, birthday parties for 19 and 20-year olds typically involve attendees getting wasted and naked, not playing a glorified game of tag.  

“Assassin!  How fun!  Then, after that, we can play a rousing game of pin the tail on the donkey!”

Anyway, in order to maintain the birthday “surprise,” Serena has to institute that ever over-used television cliché of “let’s treat the birthday boy like crap, so he thinks we don’t care about him turning a year older.”  And, apparently, The Brilliant Nate has never watched a  sitcom in his life, because he TOTALLY falls for it!  So, when Jenny tries to use the “surprise” to her advantage, and plays the “I was roofied and almost raped.  Woe is me” card, Nate blows off Serena, and agrees to spend the day with Little J.  As a result, Nate shows up extremely late to his own “fun” party . . .

“We would have come earlier, Serena.  But I just couldn’t seem to get Nate out of bed . . .”

During the game of Assassin, Jenny and Nate are the last pair standing.  Jenny makes a show of waving the white flag, claiming that Nate is entitled to be a winner on his birthday.  However, when he comes to collect her picture from her neck, Jenny plants a sloppy wet one on his lips, and pulls his picture first, winning the game.  Nate reminds Jenny that he is Serena’s boyfriend, and that he and Jenny can only be “friends.”  But Jenny, being the psycho stalker determined girl that she is, refuses to give up hope that one day she will win her man.  Word of advice to Nate:  Cover your balls and hide your pet bunny!

Jenny Humphrey circa 2030 . . .

In other news, Vanessa and Dan’s plotline of the evening ACTUALLY involved an argument over whether they truly appreciated eachother’s writing abilities.  And then, at the end of the episode, Vanessa “betrays” Dan by applying to the same college program as him, without telling him that she is doing so.  Seriously?  I’ve seen more risqué plotlines on Sesame Street!

“Some people just wouldn’t know fun, if it jumped in the tub with them and squeezed their Rubbie Duckie.”

And now for the GOOD stuff!

If you recall, last week, the EEEEVVIL Jack Bass (played by Desmond Harrington) stole Chuck’s hotel (conveniently named “The Empire”) out from under his nose.  When the episode opens, Chuck approaches Jack, tail between his legs, willing to do ANYTHING to get back his precious building.  Money is no object, of course.  Unfortunately, what Jack wants is something, or rather, someone, that money can’t buy.  Or can it?

Later, at an expensive store uptown, Jack finds Blair eyeing a peacock-looking dress.  Jack informs Blair that he offered Chuck the hotel in exchange for a night with Blair (sound familiar?), but Chuck turned it down.  Jack explains to Blair that Chuck is too proud to accept his offer, and that only SHE can save the hotel for her boyfriend.  Blair initially balks at the idea, but reconsiders it, when Chuck tells her that his hotel is lost for good, and that he has no shot of ever getting it back.  When a package from Jack is delivered to Blair, later that evening, containing the peacock dress inside, Blair reluctantly puts it on, and heads off into the night.  Later, Chuck finds the empty box with the telltale letter inside, and immediately assumes the worst.

One peacock dress for one night spent with a pea-sized cock?

At the hotel, EEEVVIL Jack makes a show of attempting to seduce Blair, but she’s not having it.  She just wants to get this over with so Chuck can get his “Empire” back.  She issues Jack a contract, already signed by her, whereby Jack sells the hotel back to Chuck for a modest profit.  (Note to Blair:  Courts don’t look too favorably on contracts for which the main “consideration” is prostitution . . .  Just saying.) 

Blair makes Jack promise not to tell Chuck their secret.  (Yeah, because in the past, Jack Bass has been SUCH a man of his word.)

“You’re secret’s safe with me, Mistress Number 27!”

Jack agrees to Blair’s terms and signs the contract.  But he surprises her, by ending the engagement early, after doing nothing more than planting a chaste kiss on her lips.  WHAT?????  NO SEX???  NOT EVEN FROM EVIL JACK BASS?  CLEARLY, I AM WATCHING THE WRONG SHOW!

But this is when things really get interesting.  You see, according to Jack, CHUCK orchestrated this whole thing.  Jack claims that he forced Chuck to choose between the Empire and Blair.  And Chuck chose the EMPIRE!

By the look on Blair’s face, you could tell she TOTALLY believes Jack.  But my bullshit meter was going off the charts.    “He is so full of crap!  Don’t believe him Blair!”  I yell at my television, in vain.

What happens next, shocks the heck out of me.  Blair confronts Chuck and he . . . ADMITS THE WHOLE THING!  Chuck claims that he had to keep the terms of his agreement with Jack a secret, otherwise Blair never would have gone through with it.  Then, Chuck would not have gotten his hotel back. 

Blair, of course, dumps Chuck’s ass.  And Chuck is left alone with his Empire.  I hope Chuck got a lot of joy out having security escort Jack from the building, because something tells me, that’s the last time he’s going to experience any sort of pleasure for a LONG TIME!

Now, call me an idealist, but I’m still not entirely sure that Chuck actually DID agree to let Blair sleep with Jack.  Something about Chuck’s expression when he saw that empty dress box, told me that he was truly heartbroken over Blair’s decision.  It’s possible that Chuck lied to Blair in order to save his pride, because he couldn’t look at her, knowing all that she sacrificed for him.  I could be wrong.  But I HOPE I’m right . . .

Until next time . . . XOXO

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