Tag Archives: Isobel

Come on, Damon, Light My Fire! – A Recap of The Vampire Diaries’ “The House Guest”

DAMON:  “Do you smell something burning?”

KATHERINE:  “There’s a fire . . . in my pants.  I’m burning up for your love, Damon.”

DAMON: “Katherine, it’s the 21st Century.  They have creams for that now .  . .”

Whew!  Well, THIS was a doozy of a TVD episode, wasn’t it?  Let’s see . . .

(1) We got to see Damon become more smokin’ HOT than ever before . . .

“Poke her, with that POKER, Damon!”

(2) Lots of sh*t caught fire (including the Only Bar / Social Establishment in Mystic Falls) .   . .

(3) We were treated to a very Gleeky musical review, brought to you by the Vampire Barbie, herself.   . .

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(4) Ding, Dong TWO witches are dead (for the price of JUST ONE!).

OOPS!  Won’t be using THAT screencap anymore!

(5) And the two MOST CLUELESS folks in Mystic Falls, FINALLY got a CLUE .  . . well  . . . sort of . . .

But, I think, if I had to choose my absolute FAVORITE part of “The House Guest” . .  . it would be all the highly sexualized Kat / Damon moments included therein.  After all, THESE moments added quite a few very sexy screencaps to my ever-growing collection.   And, of course, immediately upon concluding this recap, I plan to insert said screencaps into my”Damon & ELENA Forever” scrapbook.  (Yes, I said, Damon and ELENA!  What the rest of the world doesn’t know, won’t hurt them?  Right?)

But enough about my FAVE Soon-To-Be Couple, we’ve got a show to recap!

You Got SCHOOLED!

“Come on, Stefan!  If we don’t leave now, we’ll be late for school.  Remember school?  It’s that thing we keep forgetting to GO to?” Elena sing-songs, as she grabs seductively onto Stefan Salvatore’s shirt collar, in one of the at least six bedrooms of La Casa de Rich and Awesome.

That’s right!  Contrary to popular belief (and the fact that we haven’t actually seen her attend class since around the middle of Season 1), Elena IS, in fact, still a high school student.  And the clever, self-deprecating, writers of this show aren’t afraid to point out that, due to plot logistics, “attendance” doesn’t exactly appear to be Elena’s strong suit.  But let’s face it.  It’s not all Elena’s fault.  The fact that Stefan’s a little Horn Dog, who attended high school for literally centuries, and STILL doesn’t seem to own a diploma, certainly doesn’t help . . .  (Baby Salvatore is kind of like a Vampire Van Wilder, in that way!)

“Welcome to Home School!  Our first class of the day is Sex Education.”

But Elena’s got WAY more pressing problems than an overly amorous boyfriend, who will quite possibly make her late for class for the 35th time this year.  She’s got a case of mistaken identity on her hands .  . .

You know, last week, when Katherine popped out of Damon’s shower, asking for a robe, and a place to “sleep,” I just assumed that the rest of the Scooby Gang would get filled in on the identity of the newest Salvatore House Guest OFF SCREEN.  So, color me surprised, when Damon forcefully pushed Elena up against a wall, merely for wishing him “Good Morning” (So HOT, by the way!).  Interestingly enough, Elena had no CLUE why Damon would possibly mistake her for her doppelganger, when said doppelganger was supposedly still locked away in a Deep Dark Tomb!

Color me even more surprised, when, upon hearing of Katherine’s Great Tomb Escape, Stefan, not only doesn’t “rescue” his girlfriend from Damon’s clutches, he PUSHES HER AGAINST THE WALL, TOO?

“Really?  The WALL . . . AGAIN?  Why does everybody have to get pushed up against the WALL on this show?  That flimsy piece of plaster has probably seen more action in a single SEASON than Katherine has seen in her ENTIRE LIFE . . . and she’s Super Slutty.”

Fortunately, for Elena (or, unfortunately, depending on how you look at it), the REAL Katherine materializes in the doorway, and shows both Salvatore Brothers they are Wall Raping the Wrong Gal . . .

“If that were ME on the Wall, smothered by Salvatores, I’d have my clothes off, before you could say, ‘Katherine Pierce.’  That Elena is such a PRUDE!”

Needless to say, Elena is NOT pleased about the idea of having to share her precious Salvatores with another girl, who, coincidentally, also used to bone them both.   “Get her out of here!”  Elena yelps.

“Do you think our boyfriends will FINALLY be able to tell us apart, when you have a pretty stake sticking out of your heart?”

But Elena is not going to be able to get rid of the Kat so easily.  After all, having been Santa Klaus’ Honey Bunny back in the day, Katherine alone possesses the unique knowledge the Scooby Gang needs to kill the Big Bad Vamp We Still Have Never Seen.  And so, Katherine stays behind, while a grumbling Elena exits Stage Left, still trying in vain to remember what the heck her high school actually looks like . . .

“So, that’s high school, huh?   OK.  We’ve seen it.  Now, let’s LEAVE!”

On the way into school, Stefan offers to sleepover at Elena’s house, for a change, so the pair can keep their distance from a certain pesky doppelganger.  (Ahhh . . . another night at the Gilberts.  Hey, remember that episode, where Useless Aunt Jenna started randomly making lewd comments to Stefan about how LOUD he and Elena were during sex?  GOOD TIMES!) 

Unfortunately, for Stefan, Having Loud Sex While Jenna Listens is not on the agenda for tonight, not when Elena has already planned a “Girl’s Night,” with her besties, Caroline and Bonnie.  “Maybe KATHERINE could join us,” Elena snarks.

EXCELLENT IDEA, Elena!  I mean, seriously, how AWESOME would it be to have Vampire Katherine at YOUR Slumber Party?

“Hey girls!  What do you say, we play Truth or Dare and I compel you all to pick DARE each time?”

Speaking of Elena’s besties, Bonnie has been trying to maintain a secret relationship with Jeremy, ever since the Hot Energy Channeling / Saliva Swapping Party they had together, last week.

BONNIE:  “We can’t stand together like this all day.  Someone will notice.”

JEREMY:  “Just tell them I’m a very Close Talker.”

As for Caroline, she’s still trying to rekindle her relationship with Matt . . . but having limited success.

At school, Vampire Barbie and Still Clueless Ken continue to dance around their many issues.   Both parties are given an excellent opportunity to be honest with one another about their recent interactions with the recently departed Tyler.  But Caroline refuses to tell Matt about the connection she shared (and STILL shares) with Teen Wolf . . .

Meanwhile, Matt refuses to admit that his final conversation with Tyler included (1) Tyler admitting that he had fallen for Caroline; (2) Matt agreeing to “take care of Caroline” at Tyler’s request . . .

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Despite BOTH parties being to blame for the standstill at which their relationship currently rests, Matt announces to Caroline that she knows how he feels, and that it is “Her Move.”  Fortunately for Caroline (or UNFORTUNATELY, if you are a Forwood Fan like me), she sees a poster on the School Bulletin Board that gives her a good idea of what her next “Move” will be . . .

Back at La Casa de Rich and Awesome, Damon is blowing Elijah .  . .

. . . with a Blow Torch, that is.

Kudos to Damon for being just as clever as most of us fans are.  After all, the Elder Salvatore came up with precisely the same solution many of us suggested for the “Keep the Dagger, Lose the Body” Elijah Conundrum. 

The problem with this plan, of course (as Kat smugly notes, when she comes upon Damon still “carrying a torch” for her), is that, as an Original Vampire, Elijah’s body is COMPLETELY INDESTRUCTIBLE.  (See?  Even as a DEAD and UNCONSCIOUS guy, Elijah is one of the Coolest Characters on this Show!)

Unable to have the Baked Elijah dessert he was so hoping to enjoy, Damon turns his massively large and VERY phallic torch on Kat . . .

And just by the look on Kat’s face, when she sees that big STICK of Damon’s just inches away from her nether regions, we can tell that, unlike Elijah, Katherine is, indeed, VERY destructible.  “We want the same thing [Klaus dead].”  Katherine pleads with Damon, who is training his trademark Crazy Eyes on her, as we speak.  “And I always get what I want.”

Memories!

Talk about a Mood Killer!  Damon chooses this moment to bring up that time in the Not-So-Distant past, when Katherine reverse psychologied Damon into trying to stake Elijah with the Original’s Killing Dagger, knowing FULL WELL, that the mere act of doing so would KILL HIM.  “Yes, I knew you would die, Damon,” Katherine admits remorselessly, before leaving the basement.

It’s the End of Luka, As We Know Him  . . . (A.K.A. Why Jonas SUCKS as both a father and a HUMAN BEING!)

You know what, Stefan?  You have REALLY got to give up this whole “Trusting Other Supernatural Creatures” thing you’ve got going on!  Let’s see . . . in just the past few episodes . . . you trusted Isobel, and she tried to get Damon killed.  You trusted Tyler, and he let Brady and Jules kidnap and torture Caroline.  Now, your trusting Jonas and Luka.  And we all know THAT isn’t going to end well, either . . .

The Truth Hurts, doesn’t it, Mr. Vamp-tastic?

Allow me to give you some free advice, Little Salvatore.  Remember that  “I Used to Be a Monster Until Lexi Saved Me” confession you made to Elena last week?  Well, next time, let’s all just try to assume that every other Supernatural Creature on this show, who ISN’T part of your Scooby Gang, was NEVER saved by Lexi, and, therefore, is still very much a MONSTER.  Mmmm Kay?

Anyway, Stefan gets this brilliant idea that he and Bonnie can broker a deal with Jonas and Luka (also, apparently, known as “The Martins,” who knew?).  Under this “agreement” the Scooby Gang and “The Martins” can all kill Klaus together, like One Big Happy Family of Monsters.  So, Stefan arranges a meeting with the father/son team at .  . .  where else(?) the Only Bar / Social Establishment in Mystic Falls.  At that meeting, Stefan offers the family “his word” that they will not come to any harm, under his watch. (Haha!  Good one, Stefan!)

To his credit, Luka . . .

. . . (who, in all honesty, seems like he wouldn’t be such a bad guy, if he didn’t have such an ASSHAT for a dad), wants to take Stefan up on his offer.  But, alas, Evil Jonas Brother from Another Mother thinks the Scooby Gang is not to be trusted.  Furthermore, he believes that ELIJAH, not Stefan, is the key to defeating Klaus, and rescuing his daughter.  And so, Papa and Luka plan some Weird Mystic Seance Ritual, with the ultimate goal of “waking up” Elijah from his dagger-induced slumber . . .

Ever notice how every witch ritual on this show seems to involve Dark Rooms, Romantic Scented Candles, and lots of Hand Holding?  If I didn’t know any better, I’d say all this Witch / Warlock Mumbo jumbo is just one GIANT excuse to Cop a Feel . . .

So, here’s the plan.  Jonas and Luka hold hands and chant Ring Around the Rosie, or some crap like that.  This allows them to combine their powers, and project an Invisible Jonas into La Casa de Rich and Awesome, where he should be able to remove the Originals’ Killing Dagger from Elijah’s belly undetected. 

(Now I’m not a PARENT, so I can’t speak from actual experience.  But wouldn’t a GOOD DAD, who needed entry into a house of Bloodthirsty Vampires, go there HIMSELF, as opposed to sending his own flesh and blood into the Lion’s Den, FOR HIM?  Just sayin.’)

Parenting FAIL!

So, we see Luka’s “double” project himself inside the basement of La Casa de Rich and Awesome.  He finds Elijah on the ground, and begins to pull the dagger from his stomach.  Fortuntely, for our Scooby Gang, Katherine is also in the basement, picking up a Blood Snack.  Being the astute old vamp she is, Katherine promptly notices that the dagger in Elijah’s tummy is seemingly moving outward, on its own.  

Using her vampire strength and vast sexual experience, Katherine immediately begins the arduous task of sticking the large phallic object back inside the male form, lying prone in front of her.”

This sh*t’s HARD!  I really need to start working out more.  All that time in the tomb has made me flabby.  Hmmm  . . . I wonder what kind of Home Gym the Salvatores have . . .”

Back in the “Martin” house, Jonas instructs Luka to stake Katherine.  And he does . . . Though, honestly, I’m not sure what weapon he uses, considering the only one readily available is currently stuck inside Elijah. 

Then, Damon magically appears . . .

Yes, he was dressed (and dry) at the time.  But I decided to use this picture to illustrate him, anyway.  And you’re complaining because . . . ?

Damon prompty un-stakes Katherine.  Then, out comes that trusty BLOW TORCH AGAIN!  (You KNEW that was coming!)  Now Luka is on fire, both in La Casa de Rich and Awesome, and inside his home.  But because no one on this show ever goes to school, the poor guy doesn’t realize he’s supposed to “Stop, Drop, and Roll.”

“I wonder if my homeowner’s insurance will cover this .  . .”

And then THIS happens . . .

Nice knowing ya, Luka!

As for Jonas (who’s 100% at fault for his son’s premature demise, by the way), he immediately starts making all these weird growling noises, like he’s auditioning for yet another remake of The Hulk.  And, inappropriate as it may be, it’s kind of hard not to laugh at the guy, when he’s yelping like Chewbacca from Star Wars.  But I bite my lower lip, and manage to keep quiet.  After all, “Dead Luka” was kind of adorable when he played “Little Richie” on Family Matters  (See above).  So, for that reason, he deserves my respect .  . .

“Arrrrahhhhhhh grrrrooooooooooooo eeeeee!”

Speaking of Dead Witches . . .

In much lighter news, Damon and Katherine READ TOGETHER.  Alert the media . . .

Those of you astute fans, who guessed that Elijah was yammering on about Witch Massacres in History, last week, for a REASON, can mentally pat yourself on the back for a job well done . . .

As it turns out, ELIJAH didn’t own an Orignal’s Killing Dagger (Gee, I wonder why? ;))  However, HE did figure out that, when a witch dies, it leaves some of it’s power at it’s final resting place.  Elijah therefore reasoned that the spot in Mystic Falls, where a whole bunch of witches were killed, would be the IDEAL place for a “Witchily Re-energized” Elijah to kill Klaus. 

Still not willing to trust Katherine (Note to Stefan:  Distrust = a good thing!), when Damon finds the location of the Witch Massacre, as it is described in Jonathan’s books, he quickly passes this information along to his brother.  However, Damon purposely keeps the information from Katherine, despite the fact that she’s been helping him “research” all this time. 

(Knowing our writers, this will probably end up biting our Favorite Brooding Bad Boy Vamp in the ass, later.  And yet, I would have done exactly the same thing, if I was him . . .)

But before all that “learning” happens, we are treated to a few insanely hot moments of Damon and Kat, play fighting / dry humping one another all over the Salvatore Study . .  .

Mommy like!

But don’t you worry, Delena fans!  Damon still hasn’t quite forgiven Katherine yet for the whole, “I’ll Send Him Off to DIE” thing.  And, to add insult to injury, a suddenly SUPER honest Katherine chooses her Sexy Times with Damon to admit that she had initially bargained with Isobel and John (who wanted BOTH Salvatores dead) to save Stefan’s life over Damon’s.

(Note to Katherine:  The next time you try to get someone KILLED, but still want to have sex with them, when they ask you questions about it.  LIE!  LIE LIKE THE WIND!)

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Meanwhile, back at the Gilbert house . . .

Girl-Bonding, Confessions, and Eternal Flames

Tired of listening to Self-Absorbed, Party Pooping, Useless Aunt Jenna whine about how Alaric isn’t being honest with her  (“He’s only lying to protect you!” Caroline explains . . . and SHE would know!), the girls, at Caroline’s suggestion, decide to head out to .  . . you guessed it . . . the Only Bar / Social Establishment in Mystic Falls . . .

(Little do the girls know that Evil Jonas Brother from Another Mother has TRACKED Elena there, by fondling her Cheerleading Picture and Hairbrush.  Be afraid, Elena.  BE VERY AFRAID!)

At the Bar, Useless Aunt Jenna proceeds to get herself completely wasted, while giving Alaric the Cold Shoulder for his failure to explain TWO SEASONS of The Vampire Diaries to her in under five minutes . . .

Way to multitask, Girlfriend!

Speaking of cold shoulders, Caroline is still getting one from Matt.  And this prompts her to do something VERY BOLD!

After compelling the local musical talent to help her, “live out her rockstar fantasies, onstage” (LOVE HER!) Caroline expresses her feelings for Matt, by breaking into a surprisingly AWESOME rendition of the classic 80’s tune “Eternal Flame,” by the Bangles.

(Of course, the song’s title ends up being entirely prophetic, both in terms of Caroline’s “eternal” vampire status, and the fact that the whole place is about to, literally, go up in flames .  . . But, for now, we can just enjoy the “moment.”) 

When Caroline finishes singing, Matt hops up on stage, and plants a kiss on her lips, which is WAY more impressive than the lame one he gave her, a few episodes back though, not nearly as impressive as Tyler’s Ambush Kiss!.

While, Caroline and Matt head into the kitchen to make out some more, Bonnie decides to lay a little truth on Elena.  “Would it freak you out if I started dating your brother?”  Bonnie inquires, seemingly out of the blue.

“Well, it’s about damn time!”

Elena’s response is truly heartfelt, eloquent, and beautiful.  And, even though I don’t necessarily agree with it’s sentiment, I adore our heroine, for having the wherewithal to say exactly what her best friend needed to hear.  “My brother has been through a lot, lately,” begins Elena.  (Well THAT’S the understatement of the CENTURY!)

“He deserves to be with someone as amazing as you,” Elena concludes.  (Ummmmm . . . OK .. . if you say so!)

Unfortunately, the girls’ happiness doesn’t last long.  Hulked Out Chewbacca-Sounding Jonas starts burning the walls of the Only Bar / Social Establishment in Mystic Falls, in search of Elena.  Fortunately, Damon, Stefan, and  . . . get this . . . Katherine . . . have gotten wind of what Jonas is trying to do, and have headed to the burning bar to save her.  Bonnie, for her part, tries to reason with Jonas . . .

But Jonas is WAY beyond reason (and speaking English, for that matter)!  He simply puts his hand on Bonnie’s head, gives her a massive headache, and walks away.   Eventually, Jeremy finds Bonnie, and the two leave the bar together.  Thankfully,Stefan is also able to locate Elena, and get her out of the club, before Crazed Firestarter Jonas can get to her . . .

Oh!  Bloody HELL!

Caroline and Matt, however, are not so lucky.  (Ahhhh, the dangers of Making Out in Kitchens During a Massive Bar Fire!)  Ever the kickass heroine, upon seeing Evil Jonas, the plucky Caroline vamps out and pounces on the witch.  As a result of her heroism, Caroline is rewarded with (SURPRISE!) yet another Witchy Migraine.  (Way to be not-at-all creative in your torture tactics, Jonas.  To make matters worse, the now-crying Caroline is then tossed aside, like a stale piece of meat. 

To his credit, the typically Bland Matt rushes to Caroline’s rescue, only to BE STAKED IN THE NECK with a VERY sharp object.

I hate to break this to you Matt.  But red . . . is totally NOT your color.

Watching her boyfriend bleed to death, right before her eyes, Caroline has no choice but to eat him do THIS . . .

A little while later, when Matt regains consciousness . . .

“Weirdest .  . . dream . . . ever.”

 . . . Caroline makes the controversial decision NOT to compel Clueless Ken to forget what happened.  Instead, she decides to come clean to him about exactly WHAT she is . . .  a vampire.  To say that Matt doesn’t take the news well is an understatement . . .

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Look familiar?

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See what I MEAN . .. about the repeated throwing . . . of the people . . . against the WALLS?

Now Tyler, was TOTALLY cool with Caroline being a vampire . . . at least, initially.  He freaked out on Caroline for being dishonest with him about OTHER vampires.  On the other hand, Matt immediately assumes that, JUST BECAUSE Caroline is a vampire, she, MUST have killed his sister, Vicki.

(In the words of Brittany S. Pierce, “That is SO RACIST!”)

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Meanwhile, back at the Gilbert House  . . .

Nah-Nah, Nah-Nah, Nah-Nah, Nah-Nah, Hey, Hey, Hey, GOODBYE!

SAYONARA SUCKA!

Jeremy and Bonnie are rejoicing over Jonas’ surprising RE-GIFTING of Bonnie’s powers, and her newfound plans to conquer Klaus, herself (Yeah . . . because THAT’s going to work out well!). This Happy-Happy, Joy-Joy time with “Jonnie” is interrupted, when Stefan, and a surprisingly prickly “Elena” barge into the house. 

“It’s not over yet,” says “Elena” brusquely, as she rushes upstairs toward the bathroom, leaving Stefan to explain to the rest of the Scooby Crew what the heck is going on . . .

We then see “Elena” look in the bathroom mirror.  Within seconds, Jonas materializes behind her.  Then, THIS happens . . .

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HAHA!  FOOLED YOU! 

So now . . . Jonas is dead.  And, of course,  judgy Bonnie, is whining about how she “didn’t have to kill him.”   (Ummm . . . Bonnie . . . actually . . .  SHE REALLY DID!)

Meanwhile, in my mind, Elena and Damon are ALONE in La Casa de Rich and Awesome having REALLY HOT SEX . . .

(A girl can DREAM, can’t she?)

When Kat and Stefan return, Elena is not all that happy to see her doppelganger, despite the fact that Kat has “graciously” returned the vervain necklace to her lookalike . . .  (Now, why does this scene strike me as familiar?)

*sings* Memories .  . . like the corners of my mind . . . Misty water-colored MEMORIES!

Kat promises Elena that she is not a threat to her.  After all, Kat presumably needs Elena alive, in order to kill Klaus.  The question is, can we really trust THE KAT. 

Well, I can’t speak for Stefan or Elena, but, after watching these next two scenes, I know what DAMON would say . . .

Kat Gets DE-NIED!

In the study of La Casa de Rich and Awesome, Kat decides to decompress, by reading a little more about the Exciting Life of Jonathan Gilbert (Zzzzzz!).  Fortunately, Kat doesn’t have to be bored for long.  Damon is there waiting for her, with a VERY SPECIAL SURPRISE!

SURPRISE! 🙂

“That’s for trying to get me killed.  Next time, it goes in your head,” Damon growls.

Apparently, Kat finds this whole “Staking Thing” a HUGE turn on, because she winds up in Damon’s MASSIVELY LARGE bed, just a few hours later.

Suddenly, Kat is being all coquettish and seductive.  Before we know it, she’s straddling Damon, and kissing him ALL OVER!

Damon’s response to this seduction:  “There are at least six other bedrooms in this house, why don’t you go find one of them?”

Translation:  Umm . . . Kat . .  .

Alternate Translation:  “I LOVE YOU, ELENA!”

See these?

They belong to KAT, now! 

Girlfriend, I feel your pain.  I’ve been there . . . well . . . sort of.  Might I suggest a VERY COLD SHOWER?

In other news . . . Alaric told Jenna he loves her . . . zzzzzzzzzzzz .  . . He’s also still wearing WAY too much guyliner . . .

As for Jenna, well, in the last few seconds of the episode, she gets a Very Special Visitor . . .

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She’s BAAAACK!

Jenna . . . you remember ISOBEL, right?  You know, Alaric’s supposedly DEAD wife?  The one who also, at least according to her, is Elena’s BIO MOM?

Oh, Alaric . . . you’ve got some ‘SPLAINING to do!

And, there you have it, the LAST Vampire Diaries episode until  . . . APRIL 7th!

Don’t worry, Fangbangers!  We’ll get through this together . . .

[www.juliekushner.com] [Fangirls Forever]

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Filed under The Vampire Diaries

The Vampire Diaries’ Season Finale “Founder’s Day” – Live Blogging Event!

According to show writer Kevin Williamson, and some maddeningly teasing hints dropped by E!Online’s Spoiler Maven, Kristen, tonight’s Vampire Diaries Finale offers eight cliff hangers, a major death, and, hopefully, more squealworthy Damon and Elena moments, like the one pictured above.

(Ummm . . . hand holding, anyone? :))

Below is the extended trailer for the episode:

So, after much discussion, and an hour-an-a-half long internet conversation to iron out the details, I am happy to report that my fabulously brilliant blogging friend, and fellow Salvatore Brother enthusiast, Imaginary Men, and I will be live-blogging tonight’s finale episode of The Vampire Diaries, entitled “Founders Day,”  together, starting at 8 p.m. Eastern Standard Time!

As you can tell, Damon Salvatore is incredibly excited about this news!  So, is Vicki Donovan.  Except, unfortunately, SHE won’t be able to watch . . . being DEAD and all . . .

Join us for what will most certainly be an evening filled with good times, sort-of insightful commentary, and, of course, partially incoherent fangirl ravings of the ALL CAPS variety!  Shirtless Salvatores Brothers need DEFINITELY APPLY!

 Oh, and to whet your whistle before tonight’s show (as if it needed any more whetting!),  please enjoy this webclip from the episode, in which Elena calls Damon out on his “eye thing.”

[I just wanted to update this post to offer you all my sincere apologies.  If you happened to be online during the past hour, you might have noticed that we TRIED to live blog and ran into some technical difficulties.  Please tune in later for your regularly scheduled recap . . .  And again. I’m sorry!]

 

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Filed under Live Blogging Event, Spoilers and Sneak Peaks, The Vampire Diaries

“You messed with Elena . . . BAD MOVE!” – A Recap of The Vampire Diaries’ “Isobel”

OK.  So, right off the bat, I’ll admit that the title to this recap is a tad misleading.  After all, it implies that “the good guys” (Salvatore squared) won the “battle,” at the conclusion of the episode.   Because, interestingly enough, they sort of didn’t.  And yet, the fact that these words were uttered by a sexy open – shirted DAMON . . .

about ELENA was enough to make me squeal and bounce up and down on my couch like a 13-year old girl.  (Seriously, I was a MAJOR PAIN IN THE ASS to watch this episode with — squealing, chirping, laughing out loud, and clapping my hands all the way through.  It’s probably a good thing that I watched it alone . . . ) 

So, of course, I had to use this line as the title of my recap.  Then again, there was ANOTHER line, later in the episode, that made me squeal even LOUDER than this one — one that I would have liked to use as my title even MORE.  But we’ll get to that later . . .

We should probably get started, before I completely lose the ability to craft coherent sentences, and start typing in ALL CAPS . . . .

A vampire walks into a bar . . .

Conveniently enough, this episode began where last week’s left off.  Specifically, Alaric . . .

was sitting in a bar getting sloshed . . . (Is it just me, or has Mr. History Teacher been spending A LOT of time at the bar lately?  Life got ya down, Alaric?  Not enough sex = too much DRINKY- DRINKY?  Do you think we need to stage an intervention, Dr. Drew?)

Celebrity Rehab – Friends of Vampires Edition airs tomorrow night on VH1

Anyway, Alaric is busy getting wasted, when he is basically accosted by his once-thought-to-be-dead-but-actually- a-vampire-sort-of-ex-wife, Isobel.  (Try saying that three times fast!)

Now, I have to say, based on the few things I had read online, and what I saw from the previews, I assumed that Isobel would be bad ass.  I just wasn’t expecting the SHEER extent of her BAD ASSEDNESS.  This woman was PURE EVIL INCARNATE, for all but about the last two minutes of this episode (more on those later).  Isobel was so void of any humanity or empathy for her fellow man or vampire, that she made DAMON look like this puppy dog .

Equally adorable?  Perhaps.  But I’m willing to bet this pup looks no where near as good with IT’S shirt off !

So when drunken Alaric sees Isobel, he understandably gets all teary-eyed and blubbery.  He desperately wants to have the “I loved you!  Why did you leave me, and ruin me for all women, you heartless TURD” – type conversation with Isobel – a conversation that would have totally made sense coming from this guy . . .

We REALLY do miss you, Dawson of Dawson’s Creek.  We just happen to miss PACEY more . . .

But EVIL ISOBEL is having NONE of that!  She doesn’t give two sh&ts about her once-husband’s feelings!  She just wants to see, Elena!  You know, HER DAUGHTER!  The one she gave up for adoption . . . the same daughter that Isobel was so intent on NOT seeing a few episodes back, that she made some random dude KILL HIMSELF to “send a message”   that a family reunion was simply not in the cards.  When Alaric refuses to orchestrate Isobel’s and Elena’s reunion, Isobel basically threatens to KILL ALARIC’S ENTIRE HISTORY CLASS, if he doesn’t comply with her wishes . . .

“Ummmm . . . Mr. Saltzman, is it too late to transfer to Shop Class?  I’m thinking that regularly placing my hands beneath a massive power saw is a safer bet for me, right now . . .

Scooby, Scooby Doo, Where are YOU? (Hopefully not being eaten by vampires . . .)

Ruh, roh!

A freaked out Alaric summons the rest of the Scooby Gang to his classroom after hours, in order to orchestrate their plan of attack.  Damon arrives last on the scene.  And the 13-year old girl in me, who had been quiet throughout the Alaric / Isobel exchange, starts SQUEALING in full force once again, when Damon cocks his eyebrows in utter concern, and says to Elena, “You don’t have to see her, if you don’t want to.”

But Elena does want to see Isobel.  After all, the latter is her biological mother.  The two make plans to meet up at.  Where, you ask?  Well, at the ONLY BAR / SOCIAL ESTABLISHMENT IN ALL OF MYSTIC FALLS, of course! 

A vampire walks into a bar AGAIN . . . (Stop me if you’ve heard this one.)

 An understandably freaked out Elena, totes Stefan along for the meeting.  He stands idly by, playing pool, just out reach. However, he can hear everything, thanks to those super sensitive vampire ears of his.  Bromantic Buddies, Alaric and Damon, wait impatiently outside, just in case some vampire ass needs kicking . . .

But Damon, I REALLY need a drink!  I haven’t been to The Only Bar / Social Establishment in Mystic Falls in OVER six hours.  Can’t we go in?

And if you thought for a second that Isobel would be kinder and gentler to Elena, seeing as she is her DAUGHTER (because I TOTALLY thought she would be), you are about to be proven WRONG!

Just as she did with Alaric, Isobel threatens Elena.  “Get me what I want, or I will kill everyone you care about,” she, more or less, says to her daughter.

And what does she want?  That random Civil War Era invention created by Wacky Ancestor Gilbert.  The same invention coveted by Creepy Uncle John (who is apparently in cahoots with Isobel, because . . . well, you’ll find out in a bit).

This is also the same invention that the now Dead-Dead Pearl, gave to Damon for safe keeping.  Elena tells Isobel this is a “no can do,” seeing as Damon doesn’t answer to ANYBODY but himself.  “You underestimate Damon’s feelings for you,” remarks Isobel.  (Hold your ears, VD fans! That awful sound you are hearing is ME, squealing with joy, yet again!)

Before leaving the bar, Isobel makes one last parting shot at Elena’s increasingly intense “dude situation.”  “Why are you with Stefan?  Why didn’t you go for Damon, instead?  Unless of course, you want them both .  . . just like Katherine.”

The OTHER La Casa de Rich and Awesome

Isobel arrives back at her La Casa de Rich and Awesome (2.0), to find Damon making himself at home, and playing strip poker with Isobel’s brainwashed porn-star esque human pets.  (The fact that Isobel interrupted this game, before Damon could take off his pants, just makes me hate her MORE!)  At first, it looks as though these two might mess around with one another.  After all, the fact that they have a sexual history together is OBVIOUS.  And, admittedly, the chemistry between the two characters is palpable, in a Mrs. Robinson, The Graduate, sort of way.

“Are you trying to seduce me, Iso-bitch?”

BTW, WHO did Dustin Hoffman’s character end up with at the end of that movie?  THE DAUGHTER!

Just saying . . .

But just when it seems like Isobel and Damon are about to get it on, Damon THROWS her ass on the floor (and NOT in a foreplay way).  “You messed with Elena . .  . BAD MOVE!  (WEEEEEE!  Sorry, that was me, not him . . .)  And I DO like to kill the messenger. Because it sends a message,” threatens Damon, throwing Isobel’s own hurtful words back in her face, before refusing to give up the Crazy Invention.  “If Katherine wants something, tell the little b&tch, she can come and get it herself.”

YES!  Damon actually used the “B” word in reference to the supposed love of his life, Katherine.  He is SO TOTALLY on Team Elena now!

Bad Hair Day, Bad Personality Day . . .

Meanwhile, Bonnie (who now has unflattering bangs that don’t complement her bone structure AT ALL) has been treating Elena like total crap, lately. 

I couldn’t find a picture of Bonnie’s Bad ‘Do ANYWHERE!  (Not even on BING, CW!)  So I had to post this perfectly nice picture of the girl, even though I am REALLY mad at her right now!

She even ignored her supposed BFF, when she found her crying at the bar, after that traumatic Mommy Encounter.  However, later in the episode, Bonnie relents and visits Elena at her house.  After the two hug, and Elena dishes about her Evil Mommy, Bonnie actually provides her with some valuable information about the Crazy Invention.  Apparently, Old Ancestor Gilbert wasn’t a talented inventor at all.   He was just some Loony Old Coot with a hatred for vamps.  So, Bonnie’s ancestor, Witch Emily . . .

 . . . in an effort to protect the townspeople, put spells on all of Ancestor Gilbert’s inventions to make them “magical.”   The Crazy Invention was made into a weapon to KILL VAMPIRES!

A vampire walks into a float preparation event . . .

To prove to Elena that she means business regarding the Crazy Invention, EVIL ISOBEL, causes Matt . . .

 . . . to break his wrist, and KIDNAPS Elena’s little bro, Jeremy!

Fortunately, Elena has a plan to save him . . .

Double, Double, Toil and Trouble . . .

Back at La Casa de Rich and Awesome (the original), Elena explains to the Salvatore brothers that Bonnie has the power to remove Emily’s original spell from the Crazy Invention, making it useless.  Therefore, Elena can give it to Isobel and save Jeremy, without causing any repercussions for the vampire community.  Initially, Damon is a bit skeptical, seeing as Bonnie hates his guts.  “You’re right, you can’t trust me,” remarks Bonnie angrily.

“But you can trust me,” says Elena, solemnly. 

Then the two share ONE SERIOUSLY HOT LOOK, before Damon hands over the Crazy Invention to Elena.  Their hands brush against one another, as the object is passed between them.  And my throat is officially sore from squealing so much.

So, Bonnie does her little magic floaty thing on the Crazy Invention, and pronounces it cured of all vampire-killing tendencies. 

The Exchange and The Implication of LOOOOOOOVE!

With Stefan and Damon as protection, Elena heads off into the woods to hand off the Crazy Invention to Isobel, in exchange for Jeremy’s life.  However, she soon finds that Jeremy is already safe and sound at home.  When Elena asks Isobel how she knew Damon would religuish the weapon, Isobel responds, “Because he is IN LOVE WITH YOU!”

YAY!  YIPPEE!  WOO HOO!

I think I need a moment .  . .

OK, I’m better.  Always one to have the last word, before leaving, Isobel warns Elena that living with a Salvatore brother on each arm, will surely bring about her demise. Once Isobel is gone,  Elena rushes to Stefan for comfort.  However, while they hug, both Elena and Stefan are exchanging pointed looks with Damon that suggest that Isobel’s pronouncements regarding the latter vampire’s romantic feelings were ABSOLUTELY RIGHT!

And that’s not all . . .

In the last few minutes of the episode, we learn the following”

1)

“Elena, I am your father.”

Elena’s daddy is none other than Creepy Uncle John.  This means that Elena is a GILBERT after all!  (I don’t know about you, but something about this news just set off the Ick Alarms, all over the place, for me!)  Apparently, Creepy Uncle John, and the Self-Loathing Isobel, want to kill ALL VAMPIRES (including Stefan and Damon) to SAVE ELENA from the same fate suffered by undead Isobel and Katherine.

2) 

 Isobel DID in fact love Alaric, but acted bitchy to him, so he wouldn’t feel pain over the loss of her.  (Remember when I said that Isobel was only NOT totally evil for about two minutes, during the episode.  This was them!  Unless you count as “nice” her admission that she wants to save Elena, by killing Stefan and Damon, which, obviously, I DON’T!)

3) Now that his true feelings were put out in the open by Isobel, Damon suggests to Stefan that he will FIGHT for Elena’s heart!

4) New Vampire Hater Bonnie LIED to Elena about curing the Crazy Invention.  She WANTS Stefan and Damon to die at the hands of the Isobel and Creepy Uncle John.   OK, I officially HATE her now!  She can take that nasty hair cut and shove it up her butt!

But I’m not biased, or anything . . . I mean, why would I be biased against someone who wanted to kill Damon?

Oh!  That’s why . . .

Given all this new intel, we can be certain that the VD Season Finale is going to be one WILD RIDE! 

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When The Vampire Diaries’ Meets Lost . . . : A Recap of The Vampire Diaries’ “Blood Brothers”

Fans of both Lost and The Vampire Diaries likely found a lot of similarities between this week’s TVD installment and that other show trickling across the airwaves right now.  And I’m not just talking about how both shows feature Ian Somerhalder playing a ” hot dead guy” . . .

Like that “other show,” “Blood Brothers” split its time between the present day and a flashback this week, in order to: (1) further develop the characters featured in the flashback; (2) explain these characters’ actions and motivations; and (3) provide viewers with additional insight into the show’s “mysteries.”  In addition to being profoundly Lost-ian . . .

 . . . this week’s episode, also featured: some truly sexy moments (way to go Jeremy and Anna!), some shockingly disturbing moments (Stefan ate his dad?), a vampiric re-death (R.I.P. Vampire Pearl), a vampiric rebirth (Hi, Isobel!), and, if you were really looking hard for it (like I was), some yummy grist for the Damon and Elena shipper mill . . .

Sigh . . .

Let’s bite into the episode, shall we?

When the Going Gets Tough, the Tough Eat Daddy .  . .

When we last left our pal Stefan, he was acting like a total human bloodaholic, and, in Damon’s words, “going around chewing on people.”

Before you chew on me, Stefan, may I interest you in a nice stick of gum, instead?

Same gushy center, less mess . . .

And so, with the help of Damon and Elena (It has such a nice ring to it, don’t you think?), Stefan met up with the business end of a vervain-filled syringe, and ended up locked up in a sort of jail cell, conveniently located right inside the Salvatores’ La Casa de Rich and Awesome.  (You know, if I ever make it big enough to buy myself a mansion, I am TOTALLY putting some sort of cage in it . . . )

Because CAGES are SUPER KINKY!

Anyway, being “locked up” and all, Stefan suddenly has a lot of time to think.  So, he flashes back to the time in his life when he and Damon first became vampires.  This is great news for us fans, because we FINALLY get to learn how it all went down . . .

When we last left Flashback World, the Mystic Falls townspeople were in the process of forcibly gathering up all of the town’s vampires, in order to stuff them in a church and burn them to smithereens.  The mob is being led by none other than Damon’s and Stefan’s father, who uses the information he learned from Stefan, himself, to get to Katherine.  This is a very RUDE thing of Daddy Salvatore to do, putting a muzzle on a woman with whom you used to play croquet . . .

“But, Mr. Salvatore, I let you WIN!”

When Katherine is captured, Damon and Stefan band together to come to her rescue.  While they are attempting to untie and unmuzzle her, two gun shots are fired in rapid succession off-screen, one landing in each of the Salvatore brothers’ chests.  As the brothers’ lie on the ground, bloody and unconscious, Katherine is dragged away by the angry townspeople.

A few days later, Stefan and Damon wake up in a secluded area.  There, they are promptly informed by Witch Emily . . .

 . . . who just so happens to be the ancestor of Witch Bonnie . . .

 . . . that because both brothers drank Katherine’s blood (Damon, by choice, and Stefan, by compulsion) prior to being killed, they are now in transition toward becoming vampires.  The catch?  In order to fully transform into vampires, they need to drink . . .

 . . . ASAP, or they will DIE (for good, this time).

Initially, both Stefan and Damon agree that, without Katherine, there is no reason for eternal life. So, they must allow themselves to die, rather than complete the transition.  However, on a whim, Stefan decides to go to his father’s house to wish him goodbye.  Once there, his father informs Stefan that HE WAS THE ONE WHO SHOT THEM!!!!!  This bastard shot his own sons, because he didn’t like the girl they were dating?  Overreact much? 

 To make matters worse, Daddy Salvatore seems intent to finish the job.  He rushes at Stefan, clutching a large stake-like poker in his hands.  But Stefan, who has already gained some of his legendary vampire strength from those legendary (and hot) vampire arms of his . . .

 . . . stabs his DAD with the poker instead.  And while Stefan’s Daddy is moaning, groaning, and basically dying in front of him, Stefan begins to EAT HIM (well . . . drink his blood, at least).  The scene is NASTY!  I mean, sure, Daddy Salvatore was a TOTAL PRICK, no question.  But drinking the guy who gave you life, is kind of like drinking yourself .  . .

Stefan returns to Damon, all crazy-eyed and red-haired (not sure when present day Stefan found time in his busy “chewing on people” schedule to get a dye job, but, apparently, he did).  Trailing behind Stefan is a teenage girl, clearly under compulsion.  Stefan tells Damon that they were wrong.  That there is no need to die, not when drinking blood can “take away the pain” of life and “open up whole new worlds” for the Salvatore brothers.  Initially, Damon seems repulsed by his younger brother’s behavior, and hesitant to make the transition.  But, ultimately, his vampire urges take hold of him, and he sucks on (and very likely kills) the teenage girl.

After Damon returns from his “snack,” he angrily vows to make Stefan’s life hell on earth for all eternity.  And, in hindsight, we know that, for a good portion of his undeath, Damon did just that . . .

You just KNEW I’d find SOME WAY to use this picture again, in my recap, didn’t you?

They’re Bringing Sexy Back (from the dead . . .)

So, I’ve got good news and bad news.  Which news do you want first?  The good news?  OK.  Jeremy and Anna?  They are a SUPER HOT COUPLE!  And if their sort-of sex scene and post-coital cuddle wasn’t all of two-seconds long, I would have TOTALLY shown you a Shirtless Jeremy pic from it.  The actor who plays him (Steven R. McQueen) is, after all, 21-years old . . .

In addition to being HOT, Jeremy and Anna were also really sweet together.  Between Anna’s willingness to stand up to her mother, and revisit the slings and arrows of high school, just to spend time with Jeremy; and Jeremy’s sleepy whisper of “Oh, that feels so good,” when Anna lovingly rubbed his face, as the two laid in bed together, I instantly became a Team Jeranna fan! 

So, here’s the bad news:  near the end of the episode, Anna’s mom, Vampire Pearl . . .

 . . . was bludgeoned by a crossbow, shot at her from long range, and instantly killed!  Who killed her, you ask?  Presumably, this CREEPO . . .

 . . . Uncle John (I HATE THIS GUY!), who realized he no longer had any use for Pearl, upon learning that she had given his ancestor’s Magic Vampire Killer Thingy (that nobody knows how to use yet) to Damon.  Just one question:  What happened to Hottie Vampire Harper?

Vampire Pearl’s loyal associate was standing right next to Vampire Anna when she was bludgeoned, but has not been seen or heard from since . . .

Damon and Alaric – The Bromance Continues . . .

This week, Alaric calls his new buddy Damon (LOVE these two together!) to check out a lead he had on the possible whereabouts of his previously-thought-to-be-dead-but-actually-a-vampire wife, Isobel.  Damon immediately agrees to come along.  And although I know that Damon was the one responsible for turning Isobel, my Damon and Elena shipper sense tells me, that Damon went on this “little journey” with the secret hope of helping Elena to find her long lost biological mother.  After all, Alaric’s “ex” and Elena’s “mom” are one in the same person.

“Damon Salvatore is currently out kicking some Serious Vampire Ass for the woman he secretly loves . . . Leave a message.”

When Damon and Alaric arrive at the house initially thought to contain Isobel . . .

 . . . she’s not there.  However, some random Hidey Hole Vamp is!  (And WE thought they were GONE FOR GOOD!)  Upon learning that Random Vampire Henry is somehow connected to Creepy Uncle John, Alaric and Damon KILL HIS BLOODY BUTT for good!  Congratulations to Vampire Henry for winning the Senseless Death Award for the week!  Here’s your trophy . . .

 Teacher (as Damon lovingly calls Alaric) is getting surprisingly good at murdering folks, now, isn’t he?  Once the deed is done, the two engage in a heartwarming personal conversation about the struggles of pining over the “one who got away.”  “Two years pining over the woman who left you, is remarkably healthy, I think,” remarks Damon, self-deprecatingly, having mooned over Vampire Katherine for way over a century now.

Although the two pals end their little road trip empty handed, in the last scene of the episode, Isobel comes out of hiding and confronts Alaric at the local bar.  Seeing as how next week’s episode is entitled “Isobel,” I’m pretty sure we haven’t seen the last of this chick . . .

The Will to Live (and to wear sexy white tees that show of your KILLER arms) . . .

When Stefan wasn’t flashing back to his past, he spent most of the episode, brooding, refusing to drink blood, and flexing those drool-worthy pectoral muscles of his.  Elena, who has been basically living at La Casa de Rich and Awesome with both Salvatores for a few days now  . . . (Threesome anyone?) . . . continually tries to get through to Stefan, and break him out of his funk.  At one point, she even goes as far as to enter the “lion’s den” with the hungry vampire, putting her life at risk.  But Stefan, feeling incredibly guilty for his recent behavior, and for the part he played in making Damon become a vampire, wants to die, as he feels he should have done all those years ago.  During the episode’s climax, Stefan escapes his cage, leaving his “I can be in sunlight without rotting” ring on the floor by his prison cot.  His plan, of course, is to meet the sun and die at dawn.

“I put up with your crap for 20 episodes, and all I get for it is this UGLY ASS RING?   You could have at least got me something from Tiffany’s . . .”

Having recently heard Stefan’s flashback tale of woe from Damon (BTW E and D have been sharing adorably snarky barbs and smirks with one another ALL NIGHT . . . just saying), Elena instantly knows she can find Stefan at the very spot where he got Damon to eat that teen way back when.  Elena explains to Stefan that she too is no stranger to guilt.   After all, she was the reason her parents were out driving on the night they were both killed in the car accident.  Elena explains to Stefan that she knows he is “good,” and that, together, they can beat his human blood addiction.  Ultimately, Stefan puts back on that UGLY ASS RING, and the two kiss and make up.

With Stefan back to being the “good brother” and Damon’s alone time with Elena over, it is now Damon’s turn to brood.  In the last scene featuring the sexy Salvatore brothers, Damon admits that the REAL reason he hates Stefan is because Katherine chose to “turn” Stefan too.  And now, it seems, once again, that the two brothers are in love with the same girl . . .

Love sucks . . . and so do these guys .  . . literally.

 Can’t wait to sink your teeth into “Isobel?”  Non-spoilerphobes can click the video below to watch stills from next week’s episode, in which Slutty Bad Ass Vampire Isobel seems to be wreaking havoc on Mystic Falls.  The pictures feature, among other things, quite a few photos of Damon Salvatore adorably open-shirted.  So, put your fingers on those “print screen” buttons, ladies . . . 

 

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The Vampire Diaries: Who’s Getting Staked? (Contains Some Spoilers)

Who will be cropped out of this picture, in time for Season 2?

If you’ve read this blog .  . . um . . . EVER, you probably already know that I am kind of what you would call a CRAZY OBSESSED fan of The VD.  So, of course, when I was reviewing the E! Online Weekly Spoiler Chat and found this . . .

“Any info about the death of a major character on The Vampire Diaries?
I can tell you that there’ll be not one, but two major deaths by the end of season one, and that the two goners often have overlapping storylines. Any guesses?”
 . . . needless to say, I was intrigued.
Fans of The Vampire Diaries know that one of the main staples of the show,  is its habit of awarding at least one unlucky cast member (typically a “one-episode wonder”) the Senseless Death Award, each week.  However, the show genuinely surprised many (myself included) during mid season, by bestowing this “prestigious award” upon none other than Vicki Donovan . . .
 
 . . . a series regular, whose storylines regularly entwined with most of the main characters, including Jeremy Gilbert (He briefly dated her.), Matt Donovan (She was his brother), and Damon Salvatore (He TURNED HER INTO A VAMPIRE!!!!).  After that happened, VD fans quickly learned that NO ONE is safe in Mystic Falls (unless, of course, you happen to own that Ring of Immortality, which is seemingly being passed around on the show, like a bad virus).
 
My spoilery sources have already informed me that castmembers definitively safe from the stake, include:
Elena Gilbert (duh);
Stefan Salvatore (DOUBLE duh);
Damon Salvatore (THANK THE LORD!); and
Tyler Stratton (meh).
Additionally, I have read that the dying cast member(s) will be DEAD, DEAD.  In other words, no vampiric rebirth for him and/or her . . .
So, without further adieu, let’s take a look at which VD castmembers are potentially on the chopping block; and analyze why the writers might decide to send those particular characters to that big ole’ Blood Bank in the Sky . . .
 Bonnie Bennett
 Why she might be a goner:  Bonnie was a major player in early VD episodes, but she’s been kind of MIA of late.  Could the writers be trying to prepare us for a more permanent absence of this character?
 
Why she might be safe:  With all these Sexy Shirtless Fangtastic men in her life, Elena REALLY needs a good gal pal to put everything into its proper perspective.  And the shallow, sometimes-bitchy, Caroline doesn’t really measure up, in this respect.  Plus, Bonnie is FINALLY getting a handle on those awesome witchy powers of hers!  It would be a real shame if the writers axed the character, before us fans got a chance to see her reach her full supernatural potential . . .
 Caroline Forbes
 Why she might be a goner:  Let’s face it. Caroline’s relationship with new beau Matt is kind of played out.  I just don’t see much chemistry between this platinum blonde duo.  And since it is unlikely that Caroline will align herself with Damon again, and equally unlikely that she will be able to make a successful play for Stefan, romantic opportunities for this gal are already few and far between.  One thing we know about writers for CW shows, they DESPISE a single gal!
 
Why she might be safe:  Every high school drama needs its resident mean girl.  And, right now, Caroline is the closest thing that VD has to one.  Sure, lately, the character seems to have retracted those claws that she exhibited in earlier episodes.  However, if the writers ever decide to change that, I have real easy fix for them in my “Matt Donovan” explanation, below . . .
 
 Aunt Jenna
 Why she might be a goner?  I hate to say it, but this character is boring and grating.  For one thing, the actress who plays her was terribly miscast.  (She looks and acts more like a high school pal of Elena’s, than any sort of legal guardian for her.)  Plus, the writers have tried to pair Aunt Jenna with literally EVERY age-appropriate suitor on the show, to NO AVAIL!  Bumping off Aunt Jenna would be a great way for the writers to erase their obvious mistake . . .
 
Why she might be safe?  Those poor Gilbert kids.  They just can’t win!  First they lost both of their parents simultaneously in a freak car accident.  Then Jeremy’s girlfriend died.  (As if that wasn’t bad enough, he later found out that she was killed by his sister’s boyfriend.)  Then Elena found out that she was adopted, after her then-teenage mom was turned into a vampire by her boyfriend’s brother (and future love interest, I hope).  For the writers to kill off yet another Gilbert guardian just seems too cruel!  Who would get custody of the minor Gilberts then?  Creepy Uncle John?
 
 Matt Donovan
 Why he might be a goner:  Remember how, earlier, I suggested that it would be in the writers’ best interest to turn Caroline bad?  Well nothing says “downward spiral” like the death of your Golden Boy Boyfriend . . . Aside from that, Matt is just a nice guy.  And “nice guys” don’t exactly fare well in towns run by vampires and other assorted supernatural creatures . . .  Sometimes, for me, anyway, this character seems a bit out of place on VD.  It’s almost as if he was plucked out of another show (Friday Night Lights, anyone?) and plopped right in the middle of Mystic Falls.  Thirdly, Matt’s function on the show seemed largely to be the stable human male in Elena’s life.  The one willing to perpetually wait in the wings for her, while she literally tasted more exotic men.  The removal of Elena’s “safety net” might cause her to seriously re-evaluate her decision to “hang with all the vamps.”  That would be an interesting turn of events, indeed.
 
Why he might be safe:  With Stefan becoming hooked on human blood and starting to keep secrets from Elena, Elena may need to fall back on her “safety net” sooner than she initially expected.  And it wouldn’t hurt the writers to add a human male to the preexisting vampiric love triangle that is Stefan,Damon, and Elena.  Love square, anyone?
 
 Jeremy Gilbert
 Why he might be a goner:  The look on the younger Gilbert’s face when he learned from Elena’s diary that Stefan had killed Vicki, and Damon had erased that fact from Jeremy’s memory, was BEYOND PISSED!  And we all know what testosteroney male teens do when they are REAL PISSED . . . stupid stuff, that’s what!  Seeing as the sources of Jeremy’s anger are two blood thirsty vampires, doing “stupid stuff” just might get him killed . . .
 
Why he might be safe: Jeremy has become quite the fan favorite, of late. Not to mention that his baby-faced good looks likely bring a younger demographic to the show, which might be lost without him.   Jeremy is popular enough with fans, that his death just might spark a fan revolt.  Plus, I think Elena’s little brother has a lot more stories left in him.  His relationship with his sister has yet to be fully explored.  Ditto regarding his relationship with Vampire Anna (unless, of course, the writers decide to kill her too).
 
 Alaric Saltzman
Why he might be a goner:  Poor Alaric is a history teacher.  And everyone knows that in teen horror shows and flicks, the teacher is always the first to go!  Plus, we already know, based on foreshadowing, that the Isobel / Alaric / Damon storyline will be coming to a head during the season finale.  The death of Alaric would punctuate that storyline with a tragic ending — one that would ripple outward — effecting all of VD’s main characters.
 
Why he might be safe:  I was just starting to LIKE Alaric!  His growing bromance with snarky vampire Damon has been awesome to watch!  I can envision a number of future storylines in which self-proclaimed vampire hunter, Alaric, uses his unique knowledge of the supernatural to help Elena and Co. combat the many assorted monster baddies that are sure to plague Mystic Falls in future episodes.  Besides, didn’t that professor from Buffy the Vampire Slayer stick around, throughout most of the show’s duration?
I’ve decided not to include . . .
Vampire Anna,
Vampire Pearl, or
Julie Cooper Nichols Matt’s Slutty Mom in my analysis, as none of the three could be characterized as “series regulars.”  However, it goes without saying, that none of THEM are completely safe from an untimely finale demise either . . .
 
And with that, I would like to leave you with, not one, but TWO sneak peaks of next week’s upcoming installment of The Vampire Diaries, “Miss Mystic Falls.”  Enjoy!

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“More of THAT Please!” – A Recap of The Vampire Diaries “A Few Good Men”

 

Welcome back VD’ers!  (Don’t you like how I basically just called you all a bunch of venereal diseases?  Great way to make friends and influence people, huh?) 

It’s been WAY too long since we’ve had a “taste” of our favorite campy, bloody, teen drama, hasn’t it?  But, now, we are back, and (I think) better than ever . . .

There was a lot to love in this week’s “Back from Hiatus” installment of The Vampire Diaries!  For starters, we got a few GREAT booby shots of a Drunk Shirtless, Slightly Broody, and Highly Emotionally Volatile Damon Salvatore . . .

More of THAT Please!

We also got a drool-worthy, sexual tension-laced “shirt BUTTONING” scene between our favorite couple-not-yet-to-couple, Damon and Elena . . .

More of THAT Please!

(By the way, in addition to being AWESOME, shirt on AND shirt off, Damon also had the dubious honor of uttering my favorite quote from this episode, “Unrequited love sucks, man!”  — Great line.  But so untrue, Damon.  Unrequited love ROCKS . . . particularly when YOU are doing the loving!)

Then, there were not ONE, not TWO, but THREE senseless Deaths,  this episode . . . well, two-and-a-half, depending on how you felt about Alaric’s rebirth . . .

( . . . will live to write on chalkboards and be stultifyingly boring, ANOTHER DAY!)

More of THAT please!  (Well, more senseless DEATHS at least, less Alaric, he’s snoozy . . .)

Let’s not forget that tonight’s episode title was modeled after one of my favorite films . . .

“You can’t handle the TRUTH!”

More of THAT Please!

And, as if that wasn’t enough, we got Marissa Cooper’s Mom from The O.C.!

Much more of HER please!

(By the way, if there was ever an Emmy award for “Best Performance as a Slutty Trashtastic Kind-of-Bitchy Mom,” Melinda Clarke would win every year hands down.  Has she been typecast?  Absolutely!  But that doesn’t make her any less fabulous!)

So, without further adieu, lets take a peek at what happened on VD’s A Few Good Men . . .

A Few Good Lays . . .

If you didn’t think I was going to somehow find a way to include this picture in my recap AGAIN, you clearly don’t know me AT ALL . . .

When we first reunite with Damon, he is getting it on with a trio of drunken, horny, and “compulsed” Tri Delts (a REAL sorority, by the way, . . . I smell a Defamation Lawsuit!).  We quickly get the impression that this has been how Damon has been spending his hiatus time.  You GO DAMON!  The way I see it, the best way to get over an undead Vampire Bitch, who you’ve searched for, for about 100 years of your life, only to find out she DOESN’T want to be found by YOU, is to get UNDER someone else . . . or rather, in this case,  SOMEONE ELSES. 

Might I suggest the cast of Gossip Girl, DamonThey always seem up for a good roll in the hay  . . .

A Few Good Bings . . .

By the way, I found this picture on GOOGLE!   Put that in your pipe and smoke it, BING!

One of the things I am NOT liking about The Vampire Diaries of late, is its already burgeoning sell-out tendencies.  Seriously folks, how many times is our favorite television show going to double as an hour-long commercial for a certain search engine website that shall remain nameless? 

Is this supposed to be our punishment for having DVRs?  What’s next?  A discussion about herpes pills or “feminine hygiene” products?

“Aunt Jenna? Did you ever get that ‘not-so-fresh’ feeling?”

Anyway, shameless product placement aside, Elena and her Auntie are doing a little internet research to find out some important intel on Elena’s birth mother.  In our last episode, we learned that Elena’s birth mom and Alaric’s “deceased” wife shared the same name, Isobel.  This week, we learned that they are the same person (and are both played by Mia Kirschner)

“What can I say?  I get around . . .”

Elena and Auntie come across some old high school yearbook pics online of Elena’s mommy and her cheerleading friend, Trudie (Amanda Detmer), who, conveniently, currently lives just a hop, skip, and a jump away from Elena.  Stefan, hoping to protect Elena from learning about Damon’s involvement in Isobel’s disappearance, tells Elena to leave Trudie alone.  But Elena goes to see her, anyway.  Trudie, initially, seems friendly enough (if  you consider people who don’t invite you inside their home, spike your tea with vervain, hoping it will make you sick, and text cold-blooded killers to inform them of your arrival, friendly).  But, when Elena questions Trudie about her knowledge of vampires, the latter becomes really unwelcoming, and asks her to leave ASAP.

Unfortunately, for Trudie, she never gets the chance to send Elena the neighborly “I’m sorry for being a bitch to you,” apple pie, she would have sent, otherwise . . .

Always helpful in times like these . . .

 . . . because the killer she so brilliantly texted, comes to her house, just moments after Elena has left, pushes her down the steps, breaks her neck, and kills her.  Talk about UN-neighborly! (SENSELESS DEATH # 1)

A Few Good Boyfriends (with Moms that Hate You)

In other news, Matt’s and Caroline’s still-new relationship hits a bit of a road block when Matt’s Mommy (Melinda Clarke) returns to town and tells Caroline, in no uncertain terms, that she HATES Caroline’s guts.  So much for getting Mommy Dearest to fork over the cash for the upcoming nuptials . . .  ( SOMEONE’S going to be registering for their wedding gifts at the Dollar Store, in a few years . . .)

A Few Good Bachelor Brawls . . .

At the Town’s Founder’s Day Fundraiser, both Damon and Alaric put their very nicely-sculpted bodies up for auction.  (Is it too late for me to move to this town?)  Proving himself to be an even bigger D-Bag than we initially thought (but, a HOT d-bag, mind you), Damon inexplicably calls out Alaric during his bachelor speech, revealing, in no uncertain terms, how he gave Alaric’s wife the best lay of her life before she “died.”  (And you just KNOW that all that “sexual prowess” talk upped Damon’s auction price considerably . . .)

“It was for a GOOD CAUSE!”

Elena puts two and two together, and figures out that Damon had a hand in her birth mommy’s “death.”  She dashes out of the party in tears, with both Stefan and Damon at her heels.  (Must be nice, having hot guys always chasing you like that . . .)  Say what you will about Damon, but the look on his face when Elena confronts him about his murdering her mother is genuinely heartbreaking.  He really does have a soft spot for her . . . (swoon).

Later, Cold Blooded Killer Guy (CBK Guy for short), who Stefan instantly recognizes as being under vampire compulsion, warns Elena to stop looking for her mother.  Having delivered this Very Important Message,  CBK Guy walks into oncoming traffic and gets mowed down by a car.  (SENSELESS DEATH #2)  Stefan appears genuinely concerned for the zombie’s well being.  However,  Elena sees the death as an opportunity to get a free cell phone  . . . so she snatches the corpse’s.

“What?  Mine was running low on minutes!”

Back at home, Elena picks up her brand new cell phone and dials the last number called on it.  When a woman picks up, asking if “everything went as planned,” Elena utters “Isobel” into the phone.  The woman hangs up . . .

A Few Good Pieces of Jewelry

“They sure like their bling on this show . . .”

Back at La Casa de Damon, Alaric confronts the vampire about porking, and subsequently forking, his  loving wife.  As it turns out, Isobel was somewhat of a “vampire scholar” when she and Alaric were together back at Duke.  Isobel had traveled to Mystic Falls, convinced that she would be able to prove the existence of vampires there.  That was when she met, and screwed, Damon.  Damon and Alaric tussle for a bit, and Damon appears to puncture his lung, killing him.  (SENSELESS . . . SORT OF  . . .  DEATH #3) 

 Saintly Stefan then arrives on the scene.

I just figured it was high time that I included HIS pic in this recap.  I’m nothing, if not, fair, ladies . . .

Damon admits to Stefan that he didn’t kill Isobel, but rather, turned her into a vampire, because . . . “she was begging for it.”  (Spoken like a true rapist, Damon . . . it’s a good thing I like you . . . otherwise, you’d be dead to me, right now.  Oh, but wait . . . you ARE dead . . . so, nevermind.)

 Left alone with corpse Alaric, Stefan is alarmed to learn that Alaric is not-so-much dead.  At first, Stefan fears that Damon turned him into a vampire . . . and we all know THAT hasn’t worked out too well in the past.

R.I.P. Doubly Dead Vampire Vicki

And yet, Alaric explains that, before she disappeared, Isobel gave him this Big Ugly Ass Ring to protect him from the occult.  Because Alaric was wearing it when Damon “killed” him, it allowed him to “live.” 

So, let me get this straight, on this show we NOW have . . .

(1) a lapiz lazuli ring that vampires wear to allow them to go out in sunlight;

(2) a vervain necklace that HUMANS wear to prevent vampires from controlling their minds;

(3) a medallion that WITCHES wear to do spells and hurt mean vampires; and

(4) a Big Ugly Ass Ring that ALARIC wears to keep vampires from killing his boring butt.

This show is starting to look like the Home Shopping Network . . .

In the last moments of the show, we learn that Vampire Anna and her recently rescued Mommy, Vampire Crystal, are having a little Undead Reunion for fellow Tomb escapees at some house in Mystic Falls (including this unnamed hot African American vampire dude with gorgeous eyes, that I wouldn’t mind seeing again).  Could THEY be the ones behind that Cold Blooded Killer guy who did in Isobel’s high school bud, Un-neighborly Trudie?

Tune in next week, to find out.  See ya then, bloodsuckers!

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