Tag Archives: J. Cameron Smith

Ding Dong the B*tch is Dead! (And so is the Magister!) – A Recap of True Blood’s “Hitting the Ground”

This week on True Blood, we have a TWO for ONE, Dead Vampire Special!  Get ’em while their bloody!  (Heads sold separately.)

And for a limited time, we will even throw in a DEAD WEREWOLF!  Call now, while supplies last!

Well, certainly no one could say this episode was uneventful!  All of the show’s major plotlines advanced significantly from where they were at this time last week.  Plus, as I mentioned earlier, we lost, not one, not two, but THREE big bad villians (two of which were REALLY annoying!)  As if that wasn’t enough, we also made some strides in figuring out what the heck Sookie Glow Fingers IS!  (Unless, of course, you’ve read the books, in which case you already know.)

Hint:  She is NOT an alien!

So, without further adieu, let’s get on with the recap, shall we?

Guess she’ll never get to wear that Rib Cage Hat she always wanted . . .

It gives the phrase “Fashion Suicide” a whole new meaning . . .

When the episode opens, we are hanging out in the slave quarters with Sookie, Lorena, and a Very Bloody Bill.  Lorena literally has Sookie by the neck, and she’s biting down .  . . HARD!  She pauses for a moment to savor her meal.  “You’re delicious,” Lorena remarks. 

(Who knew blood was such a complex gourmet delicacy?  Later in the episode, Eric rated Hadley’s blood three stars.  I’m betting Sookie’s more of a five-star meal . . .)

“I would very much like to serve her with my blood gelato!  Delicious!”

Lorena then echos Season 2 villian Maryanne’s sentiments, by exclaiming out loud to Sookie, “What are you?”

Unfortunately for Lorena, she doesn’t have much time to ponder this question, because Bill has somehow managed to unnail himself from the floor.  He then grabs Lorena from behind (kinky!) and pulls her on top of him, wrapping the evil wench in the silver chains that earlier immobilized him.  Sookie grabs hold of a stake and holds it over Lorena, as Bill restrains her.  “Do it!”  Bill implores.

But Sookie hesitates, until Lorena offers a final pitying plea.  “I love you,” she whines to Bill, tears dripping down her sallow cheeks. 

“You wouldn’t know love if it bit you in the face,” screams Sookie, as she pummels the stake into Lorena’s chest, causing the latter’s innards to spew forth like water from a geyser.

Thirsty?

Wading through soggy bits of Lorena, Sookie finally makes her way over to Bill, who’s alive, but barely.  Unfortunately for them, their oh-so-romantic reunion is interrupted, when Alcide and Tara bust through the doors, ready to rescue!

My hero!

Oh . . . yeah .  . . you too, I guess.

Alcide wants the group to skedaddle, since they have werewolves on their tail.  But noooo . . . Sookie’s all, “Beeeel, Beeelll!  I can’t leave Beeeell!”

So, despite Tara’s repeated pleas that they leave him to rot, the group ultimately decide to drag “Beeeeeel” with them.  They wrap him up in an old white blanket, and slowly move the DEAD (in more ways then one) weight toward the door.  But they can’t leave yet, because someone else has joined the party.  It’s Trailer Trash Debbie!

Just like Malibu Barbie, only skankier.

“A Vampire Burrito, for me?  Oh, you shouldn’t have!”  Deb exclaims, drool seeping out both sides of her vampire-blood addicted mouth.

“Yo Quiero, Taco Bill!”

Trailer Trash Debbie waves a gun in everybody’s face, hoping our stalwart crew will give up the burrito without a fight.  Alcide tries to reason with the girl.  But there’s no just no reasoning with Stupid.  Fortunately, Tara has a plan, which she thinks about in her head, using Sookie’s mind reading abilities to her advantage.  It’s about time SOMEONE did this! 

“Cause a distraction, and I’ll do the rest,” thinks Tara.

So, Sookie “distracts” in the way she knows best, namely, SCREAMING HER HEAD OFF!  (Something she does quite a lot throughout the episode, and, yet, never seems to lose her voice.  Wow, that IS magical!  Sookie’s annoying scream is a much deadlier weapon than her Glow Fingers, in my opinion.)

“Beeeeeeeeeeeel!”

While Debbie contemplates suicide (anything to make that ungodly noise stop), Tara tackles her to the ground, just as Bill did to the now-dead Lorena earlier.  Strengthened by Psycho Vampire Franklin’s blood, Tara is fairly adept at keeping Debbie down.  That is, of course, until the slave quarters are visited by yet another guest.  (Geez, who sent out the party invitations?)  It’s COOT!

“Hello . . .  goodbye.”

Boy, for all his hemming and hawing about doing anything to help Sookie up to this point, Alcide sure was quick on the trigger to shoot and kill Coot!  In fact, after nailing him with a bullet to the heart, he shot him again in the chest, just to make sure he REALLY got him.

“Now, who has the Best Abs of Them All?  B*tch!”

As Tara and Sookie carry Bill Burrito out of the slave quarters, Alcide stays behind to engage in some hot foreplay with Trailer Trash Deb!

  “Gunplay Sex.  It’s a Were Thing.   You wouldn’t understand.”

Obviously, the addition of this scene was meant to add some sort of insight into why someone FABULOUS, like Alcide, would waste his time and energy on a Greasy Royal Nutball, like Trailer Trash Debbie.  However,  it just didn’t ring true for me.  First, Trailer Trash Debbie starts crying big ole’ crocodile tears about Alcide not wanting to have  a were baby with her.

“Awww, Debbie!  It has your she-mullet!”

Then, she accuses Alcide of turning on his “own kind.”  Finally, she threatens to hunt him down and kill him.  Alcide says nothing.  He simply sighs, locks Trailer Trash Debbie in the slave quarters, and leaves.

Out back, Tara and Sookie are waiting by Alcide’s truck, into which they have just tossed Burrito Bill.  Ever the glutton for punishment, Sookie refuses to leave Bill’s side, and is therefore chucked into the back of the truck with him.  As Alcide, Tara, Sookie, and Bill escape Russell’s compound, the evil Wolf Pack begin to give chase . . .

NO!  Not that Wolf Pack, this wolf pack . . .

“Who let the dogs out?  Woof, woof, woof, woof, woof!”

And, you gotta hand it to Alcide, because AGAIN the dude didn’t even think twice, before running the evil bowsers over with his car and turning them into roadkill stew.  Now, I hate to EVER agree with Trailer Trash Debbie, but her earlier comment about Alcide turning on his own kind?   Kind of true.

It’s a good thing you’re so pretty!

Meanwhile, in the back of the truck, Sookie slices her wrist open so that Bill can feed and revive himself.  Things start off OK, but we ALL know from past experience that Bill is an extremely piggy eater.

“What can I say?  I eat my feelings.”

Within minutes, he’s pinned Sookie to the floor, and has drained enough blood from her, so as to render the poor girl unconscious.  When Tara finds out, she’s pissed!  She immediately tosses Burrito Bill’s ass out into the summer sun, before slamming the door to the truck  and driving away.

“Was it something I ate?”

Fortunately, for Bill, he has enough strength, thanks to his Sookie Smorgasboard, to dash back into the safety of the Darkness.

 Just Like in the Fairytales . . . (if fairytales included vampires, which they usually don’t)

“Sookie, I don’t think we’re in Bon Temps anymore!”

Tara and Alcide rush Sookie to the hospital where doctors and nurses attempt a blood transfusion on her to compensate for all that blood Burrito Bill took.  But the minute the blood enters Sookie’s system she begins to convulse.  “Try a different blood type,” Tara pleads.

“You’re friend doesn’t have a blood type,” explains the doctor. 

“She’s in a coma.  You should notify her family and prepare them,” explains the doctor

No blood type?  Who doesn’t have a bloodtype?  Maybe Sookie is an alien after all!

Poor E.T. Sookie!

 Tara calls Jason, who has been busy throughout the episode, trying to score Crystal’s drug addicted cousin some meth, so that he will spill the beans as to why she won’t date him.  Because, REALLY, who in their right mind wouldn’t date Jason Stackhouse?

Someone crazy AND blind, that’s who!

Upon hearing the news, Lafayette rushes Jason to the hospital, and the two men are at Sookie’s bedside almost immediately.  When a lawyer rushes upon Jason and starts to pepper him with “next of kin” questions, Jason becomes extremely flustered.  “I can’t be responsible.  I am not responsible,” repeats Jason over and over again like a child.

It’s kind of heartbreaking, actually . . .

Meanwhile, Sookie is having a grand old time in Dreamland or Comaland, or whereever the heck she wakes up in that frilly tutu-type outfit she’s wearing.  Tutu Sookie wanders toward a glowing lake, filled with frolicking, half-naked folks.  It is at this lake that she meets Claudine . . .

 Claudine and Sookie seem very close, even though Sookie has never met her in her life.  And Claudine has this weird airy and disembodied voice, that reminds me of what I sound like when I’m really drunk but trying to act sober.  Speaking of drunk, lord knows what’s in that glowing cup, Claudine fills for Sookie!  “You’ve drank it before,” insists Claudine, as the two leave to go frolicking in the forest with the rest of the wackadoo nudie hippies.

But then, suddenly, the sky in Comaland goes black, and all of the wackadoo hippies escape into the safety of the waters.  “Come with us,” implores Claudine. “Your parents didn’t drown, that wasn’t what killed them,” she continues, reading Sookie’s fear of water, just as Sookie has read the minds of so many others before her.

But of course, Sookie won’t go.  After all, she KNOWS that darkness!  It’s “Beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeelllllllll!”

Yes, ladies and gentleman our Vampire Almost Sookie Killer has arrived at the hospital.  Bill, who unlike everyone else on the show,  seems to know EXACTLY what Sookie is, instantly recognizes that human blood will not be able to help her.  His blood, however, will.  Ignoring Tara’s exclamation of “Oh hell no,” Bill emplores Jason to let Sookie have a taste.

The adorable Jason reluctantly complies.  And it’s so friggin cute, how this grown man, who was once addicted to V, flinches like a child about to get a shot, when Bill opens up a vein with his teeth.  Then again, coming from the guy who still believes in Santa at 30, are we really surprised?

“Santa?”

Bill attaches his arm to the IV, and allows his blood to flow in to Sookie’s bloodstream, effectively saving the life he had almost taken.

(I’d like to take a moment here, if you don’t mind, to give a little nod to my fellow Sookie Stackhouse Book readers, who know that this was NOT how it was supposed to go down!  Now I know, Alan Ball is certainly entitled to take a few liberties between the books and the series, but why this one?  Especially when the original plotline was so much sexier . .  .

 . . . It’s times like these when I wonder whether Alan Ball and I are on the same “Team,” if you catch my drift?)

Yet, when Sookie wakes up and sees the “love of her life,” by her side, she screams her head off.  And it’s not a loving “Beeeeeeeeeelllll” scream, either . . . 

Trouble i paradise, I presume?

Meanwhile . . .

It’s a “dog eat dog” world out there . . . literally.

Determined to rescue Tommy from the wild and wacky world of dogfighting, Sam drives down to East Deliverance Bon Temps (complete with a Dueling Banjos soundtrack) in an attempt to infiltrate the dog fighting ring and rescue Tommy.  The owner of the ring doesn’t trust Sam, despite that ridiculous “I’m a cool bad ass mo fo” voice Sam uses on him, in order to gain access.   So, Sam, always a “thinker,” morphs into a pit bull . . .

Hi Sam!

 . . . and wanders into the holding pen himself, where he is quickly led to a cage by some toothless wonder.  But before Toothless can lock him up, Sam morphs back into his hot shirtless human form . . .

Yippee!

 . . . and beats the crap out of the guy.  He then literally “Let’s the Dogs Out,” all of them . . .

When the dog fight patrons see all their dogs escaping into the wild, they abandon the dog match they are currently watching (which just so happens to feature Tommy and some ACTUAL dog), to go salvage their respective meal tickets.  With his magic Dog Whisperer tendencies, Sam gets the dog who is fighting Tommy to escape as well, so that only he and the Mickens remain in the ring.  Ma and Pa do not look happy to see him. 

“Who let the dogs out?  Woof, woof, woof, woof, woof!”

 “I thought Tara’s mom was crazy, but you guys take the cake,” scolds Sam, forgetting that the Mickens don’t have a television, and, therefore can’t watch True Blood, and don’t know who the f*ck Tara’s mom is.

Sam implores Tommy to escape the suffocating wrath of his evil Trashy Parents and come live with him.  “I can’t promise you a perfect life, but it is sure as hell going to be better than the one you have now,” he pitches.

“Sounds fab!”

So, Sam and Tommy ride off into the sunset.  And they all live happily ever after . . . well, almost . . .

In Other News . . .

Hoyt’s BACK!

But he’s not with Jessica . . .

He’s with this chick instead . . .

At least for now . . . But I’m not worried . . .

Because Perpetual Virgin love always wins out in the end!

Weddings can make you lose your head . . .

Poor J.J. from Big Love.  We barely knew ye . . . (but, already, we didn’t like you very much).

Back in the Queen’s castle, Sophie Anne is somehow locked in a giant bird cage.

“Is this supposed to be some kind of metaphor or something?”

Eric strolls on to the scene, still wearing that fabulous Panty Dropper Blue Sweater we all love so much, and handling Sophie Anne’s girl toy, Hadley.

Eric basically threatens Sophie Anne to tell him everything she knows about Sookie, or he’ll eat her girlfriend.  Sophie Anne looks visibly shaken by this news, but refuses to speak.  However, the minute Eric’s fangs break into Hadley’s skin, HADLEY starts talking.  Hadley explains that she is Sookie’s cousin.  She also whispers in Eric’s ear what exactly Sookie is.  Unfortunately the audience can’t hear it. 

Eric looks surprised, and a little turned on by the discovery.  “Well, now that’s something I wouldn’t have expected,” he muses, feeding Hadley some of his blood as a reward.

So, it looks like SOMEONE else will be having hot Vampire Eric Dreams, very soon . . . LUCKY B*TCH!

Eric, Sophie Anne, and Big Gay Vampire King of Mississippi Russell then head back to Shreveport, where the Evil Magister is about to pierce poor Vampire Pam’s eyebrows.

“Oh, that is not going to match my wardrobe at all!”

Eric implores the Magister to stop, explaining that it was Sophie Anne, not Eric who ordered the dealing of the  V.  Sophie Anne surprises the Magister, by corroborating this.  The Magister is noticeably shocked that a “subjec”t like Eric would betray his Queen, and that she would allow it.   “I pledge complete fealty to the Vampire King of Mississippi,” explains Eric.

 This is when scary Russell butts in to explain to the Magister in painstaking detail everything that has happened with this particular storyline since the first episode  . . . . zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

“What?  I love the sound of my own voice.  Don’t you?”

Russell then quickly unties Pam and throws her into the safety of Eric’s arms.  The two share a sweet father / daughter moment (Eric running his fingers through Pam’s hair, and making sure she is OK) which was absolutely the only nice thing about this entire scene. 

Russell then ties the Magister up, and after some lame extravagant speech about “survival of the fittest,” forces the Magister to marry him and Queen Sophie Anne.  But then, just as the newlyweds are about to leave, Russell decides he has one more errand to run . . . and it involves batting practice.

“Say hello to my little friend the true death,” proclaims Russell, as he slices into the Magister’s head, with all the zeal of a rambunctious kid, playing a game of tee ball.

End scene . . . roll credits. 

So, that was “Hitting the Ground,” folks.  What did you think?

[www.juliekushner.com]

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Truly Bloody (And a little gross) – A Recap of True Blood’s “I Got a Right to Sing the Blues”

 

This week on True Blood, our girl Tara FINALLY got her GROOVE back . . . and then she stuck it in the back of Franklin’s head . . . multiple times.

I really thought he was going to last longer.  Didn’t you?  Now, if we could just get rid of Lorena . . .

I’m going to be honest with you guys.  I missed a good portion of this episode.  Now, don’t worry, I don’t think this will effect my recap.  You see, I HEARD the entire episode, I just didn’t SEE all of it . . . because my hands were covering my face for a good portion of the hour.

I was hiding my face for SO LONG during this episode, I almost missed NAKED ALCIDE!

But I didn’t!

So, are you ready to get gory?  Let’s get on on with the recap!

The Sophisticated Vampire

“When I said I wanted to new skylight on the ceiling, this WASN’T what I meant.”

When the episode begins, a Smiling Russell Edgington drags Sookie Glow Fingers back to his Big Gay Mansion.  Clearly wanting to make up for being such a Major Dick this whole Season, Vampire Bill decides it’s time to protect his woman.  He does so by brutally staking one of Russell’s body guards.  He then wraps his legs around Russell’s head, which you would think the Big Gay Vampire King would like . . . but he doesn’t.  In fact, he dislikes it so much that he throws Bill at the ceiling. 

Bill “hangs” out there for a little while, before falling back to earth.  Talbot is PISSED about the sudden and unwarranted home renovations.  Something tells me Russell won’t be getting any tonight!

Russell has his remaining guards drag Bill to the “slave chambers.”  Sookie rushes toward him, but is surprised when Vampire Eric grabs her roughly by the wrist and brings her to Russell.

“I wouldn’t let go of this if I were you.  I don’t know what it is, but I do know it is quite valuable,” intones Eric, looking super sexy in his Panty Dropper Blue Sweater, even though he is currently being a Total Tool (or, perhaps, because he’s being one).

“Eric, what the f*ck!” Sookie exclaims.  (Ooh, a lovers’ quarrel!  I see some AWESOME Makeup Sex in these two’s future . . .)

“Awwww, it thinks we’re equals,” coos Eric, maddeningly referring to Sookie, as if she’s his pet.  (He’s gonna get spanked for sure!)

“You’ve been a Bad, Bad Vampire!  I’m going to make you pay, Dirty Boy!”

Lorena interrupts to inquire as to what Russell plans to do with Slave Bill.  “You will kill him,” replies Russell matter-of-factly.

To Lorena’s credit, she actually looks a little upset about having to Kill Bill.

But when Sookie threatens Lorena’s life, if she dares harm her man, Lorena’s fangs literally come out.  “I would love to rip you open, and wear your rib cage as a hat,” Lorena growls.

Tre Chic!

A Sookie is a Terrible Thing to Waste

Eric is instructed to take Sookie into the study, so that Russell can interview her later.  When Sookie tries to protest, Eric lovingly puts his hand over her mouth, “Shut the F&ck Up,” he warns her.

In the study, Sookie and Eric have a hilarious exchange about what just went down between them.  “I hope you were behaving that way for the King’s benefit,” seethes Sookie. 

When Eric denies being disingenuous with the King, Sookie fires back with an on-point impersonation of the Hot Sheriff himself, throwing his own affectionate words from the Season 3 premiere episode back in his face.  “Sookie . . .  your life is too valuable to throw away.  You make me feel almost human,”  she monotones.

Eric can’t deny that Sookie is valuable, but he refuses to cop to expressing any sort of sentiment toward her.  “You must have dreamt it,” he replies.  (Oh no, Eric . . . YOU must have dreamt it!)

Later Russell enters the room, and inquires as to the source of Sookie’s Telepathy, and her Glow Fingers.  “Maybe I’m an alien,” Sookie offers helpfully.

In response to Sookie’s inquiries about Bill’s whereabouts, Russell informs the Alien that Bill has been stalking her keeping a file on her family history.  But love is blind to reason, and Sookie doesn’t seem to react very much to the news.  She is later locked away in one of the Big Gay Mansion’s many rooms.  “Beeeeeeellllll!”  She yelps, because we haven’t heard her do that in about ten minutes, so it’s high time she did it again.

Vampire Bill has fallen and he can’t get it up .  . .

“You got a heating pad or something?  This floor is hell on my sciatica.”

In the grotesque S & M portion of the evening, we watch Lorena as she brutally tortures Bill . . . by forcing him to listen to her inane monologue and crybaby tears. 

“I always forget that I need to wear waterproof mascara when torturing!”

Oh yeah, she’s systematically cutting him with surgical tools, while he’s tied to the floor, too.  Vampire Bill tries to appeal to Lorena’s sympathy, by telling her that he wishes he knew her when she was human and still cared about life.  Lorena whines annoyingly, slightly affected by Bill’s grand speech, but she keeps butchering him anyway.  Unfortunately for Lorena, this sweet little Snuff Film is interrupted by Drug Addled Werewolve,s Coot and Debbie, who barge in hoping for a taste, “from the source.”

Dude, if you weren’t hot I would SO hate you.

YOU, I hate!

Never one to let a meal grow cold (even though, admittedly, this one has been COLD a long time), Trash O’ Deb gets right down to sucking.  Coot, however, prefers to play with his food first.  So he proceeds to kick the cr*p out of the defenseless Bill for murdering his were-friends.  Lorena looks on boredly, wondering whether Rib Cage Hats come in pink to match the new dress she just bought . . .

I now pronounce you Man with Mace-Head

Did I just say that BILL and LORENA provided the “grotesque S&M” portion of the evening?  Because, actually, I think Franklin and Tara had them beat by a MILE!  Things started off “sweet” enough, with Franklin returning to his soon-to-be marital bed, clad in a girly white nightgown to match Tara’s hideous white wedding dress.

“You do realize that blood stains show up on white fabric, don’t you?”

Tara feigns happiness to see her Groom-To-Be, but Franklin has nagging insecurities about her sudden show of affection.  “You didn’t even notice that I shaved for you!”  He pouts, as he straddles his living doll.

Tara tries to relieve Franklin’s doubts by ramping up the sex appeal, or, at least as much as she CAN ramp it up with her arms tied to the bedpost, while wearing that AWFUL gown.  She begs to be untied, so that she can “pleasure him better.”  Franklin complies.  Once untied, Tara begs to taste Franklin’s blood on her last night as a human.  She takes a HUGE chunk out of his neck, which, honestly, I didn’t know was possible with human teeth.  It’s pretty disgusting.  “Kill me, kill me, kill me,” begs Franklin in the throes of passion.”

“OK,” says Tara.

“I can be very obedient when I want to be.”

Once Franklin has fallen asleep, Tara uses the strength she has drawn from Franklin’s vampire blood to communicate with Sookie telepathically, since she knows from Franklin’s intel, that her friend is ocked up nearby.  “I’m coming to get you girl.  We are going to get out of here.  Be ready,” she thinks to herself.

Tara then turns to the cadre of weapons conveniently located on the wall of her bedroom, and selects an ancient mace, which she promptly bashes into Franklin’s skull . . . multiple times . . . until he’s nothing more than a bloody stew.  Poor lovesick puppy never had a chance . . .

 

 

“But I shaved for her!  I don’t understand!”

I Now Pronounce You Beard For Life

While Tara is bashing Franklin’s skull in, Eric is engaging in a romantic card game with Talbot.  Russell interrupts, and requests Eric’s presence on a little “road trip.”  Eric, who assumes the purpose of this trip will be to rescue Pam from the evil clutches of the Magister, is noticably eager to get moving.

“Come rescue me, Big Daddy!”

“You NEVER take me anywhere!  You prefer to surround yourself with sycophants,” Talbot explains.  (That’s the spirit, Talbot!  Confuse him with your big words!  That will get him back in your bed for sure!)

In the car en-route, Vampire Eric really ramps up the charm, even going as far as to allude to  having sexual interest in Russell. 

However, having witnessed last week’s Viking flashback, we know that Eric has a Master Plan, and vengeance on his mind.  The two discuss King Russell’s “ownership” of the V-addicted werewolves, and his plans to have the supernatural world united for World Domination.  But when Eric inquires about Pam, he learns that Russell has another destination in mind.  The two are headed to Queen Sophie Anne’s house.

The last time we saw Queenie here, she was enjoying a day-long game of Yahtzee.  Now she seems content playing with lottery scratch-offs.  Clearly, this is someone who needs to get a hobby.  Queen Sophie is not at all excited to see Eric and Russell on her doorstep, seeing as the pair has just murdered her guards and tied up her lover, Hadley (who also happens to be Sookie’s cousin).  But Vampire King Russell, ever the romantic, doesn’t concern himself with this.  Instead, he gets on his knees and proposes.

“Go f*ck, yourself,” Queen Sophie replies politely.

At which point, Eric tackles her to the floor like a linebacker.  “No, YOU go f&ck YOURSELF,” he clarifies.   (Wow, lots of f&cking in this episode . . .)  “I’m older than you .  . .you framed me.  Therefore, I renounce my fealty to you.  My loyalty is to the King.”

To celebrate this grand proposal, Eric hopes to kick things off by breaking Queen Sophie Ann’s neck, but Russell doesn’t let him.

Russell diplomatically offers the terms of the couple’s engagement.  He will never touch her.  (Because they are both gay . . . get it?)  He will make all her debt and legal problems disappear.  She will not be prosecuted for dealing V.  Sounds like a damn good deal if you ask me.  The Queen reluctantly agrees to marry Russell, then runs off to find and f&ck her girlfriend . . .

In Sam’s Trailer Trash Family News . . .

Tonight, we learned why Joe Lee had said that he “owned” Tommy, during last week’s episode.  In a revelation that surprised precisely nobody, Tommy’s mom revealed that the family had been surviving on the money Shapeshifter Tommy earned as a pitpull in dog fights.

What WAS surprising, to me anyway, was that Mommy Mickens used to dog fight too . . .

Well . . . maybe not SO surprising.  After all, we always knew she was a b&tch.

In Shirtless Jason Stackhouse News . . .

Jason continues to get it on with Crystal in the woods, complimenting her on how literally hot she is, and explaining to her how he isn’t a virgin (Now that’s the understatement of the century!)  When Jason begs Crystal not to break his heart, she cries.  All tears aside though, things are going great, until Crystal smells something funny, and excuses herself.

“Dammit!  I knew I shouldn’t have eaten that bean burrito at the precinct!”

The next day, when Jason arrives at Crystal’s trailer with flowers, this D-Bag who tried to bash in Lafayette’s car (more on him a little later) answers the door.  Crystal soon follows, claiming that the D-Bag is her fiance and that she’s never met Jason in her life.  Crushed, a dejected Jason slouches off.  As he heads to his car however, he finds himself face to face with the naked ASS of the high school football star who he reamed a new one for being cocky at Merlotte’s last week.  Jason gets an IDEA!

“It’s not what you think.  But it SURE looks that way, doesn’t it?”

Jason inexplicably interrupts the high schooler mid-screw, and performs a citizen’s arrest on his butt for “lewd conduct in a public place.”  (Hey, Jason knew the word “lewd!”  Color me impressed . . .

“Something about you ain’t right .  . .” Jason explains. 

That may be true Jason Stackhouse.  But you have to admit, the kid had a really cute ass!

Speaking of Homoerotic Moments  . . .

 . . . Lafayette and Jesus get pretty hot in a car of their own this evening . . . once Lafayette establishes that Jesus isn’t Satan, of course.  (Always an important question to ask your prospective boyfriends.)  They then move their action into Lafayette’s apartment, but are interrupted by the sound of breaking glass.  Lafayette and Jesus run out, to find D-Bag and his cronies from the trailer park bashing in Lafayette’s car.  D-Bag just has enough time to get out a few choice words about Lafayette’s V-dealing tendencies, before Jesus threatens him with a bat, and Lafayette beats the stuffing out of him.   “Tell your friends you just got beaten up by two f*gs,” Lafayette yells after D-bag, as he runs away.

Unfortunately, Jesus heard the part about the V-dealing, and no longer wants any part in Lafayette’s drug-tainted thongs . . .

Jesus is V- free!

In Vampire Jessica News . . .

Our Teen Vamp seems to be really learning how to control her powers.  After a slight slip of fang at Merlottes, Vampire Jessica tries to make amends with Arlene, by glamouring a customer to give the waitress a BIG tip, after she got all the other restaurant patrons to stiff her last week.  She also successfully FEEDS on this patron without killing her . . .

You go, Vampire Chick!

Back at the Big Gay Mansion . . .

SOOKIE:  “Beeeeeeeeeellll!”

TARA:  “Oh, hell no!  Do you have any idea what I’ve been through to get to you?   You better say MY NAME, b&tch!”

Tara breaks Sookie out of Big Gay Jail, by beating up the guards outside Sookie’s room.  The two escape the mansion, but Sookie annoyingly wants to go back and rescue Vampire Bill.  Tara thinks she’s f*cking nuts!  I agree.  Once again, Tara is running through the fields, when she encounters yet another werewolf, but this one looks different . . .

The first time I saw it in the promos, I thought it was some kind of Were-Vampire, but I was wrong.  It was THIS GUY!

NAKED!

Back in his human form, Alcide tells Tara he is here looking for Sookie, but Tara is too busy staring at his gorgeous abs and large johnson to pay much attention to his words.  “Do you have a car so we can have hot passionate animal sex in it?”  She inquires.

“Yeah,” replies Alcide.

And off they go . . .

Meanwhile . . .

Sookie finds a blood drained, nearly lifeless, Vampire Bill on the floor of the “Slave Quarters.”  She professes her love to the dying vamp, promising to do whatever it takes to save him.  Then Lorena magically appears . . .

Sorry, I just liked the rib cage hat too much, not to use it again . . .

As the episode ends, Lorena attacks Sookie, biting her neck until she screams for mercy.  That’s not good!

And there you have it folks, a Truly Bloody True Blood.  Did you like it?  Or was all just a bit too much gore and too little Shirtless Stackhouse . .

P.S. For those of you out there, who are wondering where my Mad Men season premiere recap is, I PROMISE it will be up tomorrow.  Sorry for the delay.  Contrary to popular belief, I do require SOME sleep . . . 🙂

 

 

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Anatomy of the BRAND NEW True Blood Trailer Released at Comic-Con 2010!

Tonight, the True Blood cast held a panel session at Comic-Con 2010 in San Diego.   I wasn’t there . . .

But I DID manage to snag a copy of the BRAND NEW trailer for the second half of Season 3, which was released during the panel session . . .

And, of course, it was AWESOME!  Check it out . . .

OK.  It’s time to ANALYZE THE HELL OUT OF THIS THING!  So, remove your jaw from the floor, retract your fangs, put your shirt (and pants) back on, and let’s get to it, shall we?

:07 – I don’t know about you, but this has always been how I preferred my Vampire Bill:  Hot, Shirtless and Chained to the Floor where he can’t get in the way of the inevitable Sookie / Eric lovefest going on nearby.

:08 – Who knew that when Franklin Mott bought Tara that UGLY ASS NIGHTY / WEDDING DRESS (probably back in the early 1800’s), he had also purchased a matching one for HIMSELF! 

(At least he finally SHAVED though.  That morning stubble must have been HELL to wake up next to . . . and I’m not talking about the one in his pants. . . )

:16 – It looks like Creepy J.J. from Big Love the Magister has got Pam!  That’s not good . . .

:17 – Hey, Vampire Bill!  That’s a nice tan your sporting!  How did . . . wait . . . uh oh!

:28 – ERIC: “I don’t know what it is.  But I know it is quite valuable.”

Look how lovingly Sookie looks at Eric, even when he is trying to pawn her off on the Big Gay Vampire King, like she’s some early 19th-century antique (Vampire Bill?).  But seriously, can you blame her?  Have you SEEN what Vampire Eric looks like in that Baby Blue Panty Dropper Sweater of his?  He can sell ME to the highest bidder, ANYTIME!

:32 – Shirtless Tommy Mickens (Marshall Allman) – Not really my cup of tea, personally.  But someone found this blog by searching for THIS EXACT IMAGE.  And I DO hate to disappoint my readers  . .  . So, here you go!

:35 – OK.  I’m confused.  When did I STOP watching the True Blood trailer, and randomly switch over to outtakes from the movie, Deliverance?

(Cringes, as “Dueling Banjos” plays in the background.)

:37 – Question: When white trash gets cleaned up, is it called “White-Washed Trash?” 

 (I didn’t like that comment Mommy Mickens made about Sam not being “family,” one bit, by the way.  But it DOES confirm what I always thought about her character.  Hint:  It rhymes with “masshole.”)

:41 – SHIRTLESS STACKHOUSE ALERT!   SHIRTLESS STACKHOUSE ALERT!

It looks like him and Crystal will be getting VERY CLOSE, VERY FAST . .  . and that her family doesn’t approve of the coupling AT ALL.  Awww . . . it’s like Romeo and Juliet . . .

 . . . if Romeo and Juliet took place in a trailer park in Louisianna . . .

:43 – Way to go Jason!  Whipping out the BIG GUNS!  (And I’m NOT talking about artillery . . .)

:53 – I just LOVE when Vampire Eric gets all up in Sookie’s personal space . . . and so does SHE!

(Note: I’m pointedly choosing to IGNORE that MEAN thing Eric said to Sookie in this scene, because his body language here CLEARLY implies otherwise . . .)

:54 – Speaking of foreplay . . .

1:00 – Of course, it wouldn’t be a True Blood trailer without at least one, “BEEEEEEEEELLLLLL!”

1:04 – It’s nice to see our former BFF’s, Sookie and Tara, bonding again.  It’s also REALLY NICE to see Tara (1) out of captivity; (2) in the sun (It means she’s not a vampire yet.); and (3) dressed in normal clothes from the 21st Century . . .

1:09 – First Deliverance, now The Matrix?  I think this trailer is broken . . .

(Actually, I’m pretty sure that Leather Chick is Vampire Spokesperson Nan from Season 2 . . .)

1:13 – White fur?  Red glowing eyes?  Ladies and gentlemen, I think we have just met our first WERE-VAMPIRE!

(Some vampire lore states that if a person consumes enough vampire blood, he or she can become a vampire without actually . . . you know . . . dying.  If that’s true HERE, and all those werewolves have been consuming Big Gay Vampire King Russell’s blood for lord knows how long, this is some SERIOUISLY BAD NEWS for Sookie and Co.)

1:14 – ALCIDE:  “I don’t take orders from vamps!”

Oooh, Alcide is SEXY when he’s angry!  And he’s sticking it to Vampire Bill too .  . . which makes it even hotter.

(By the way, I heard they just recently announced that Joe Manganiello, who plays Alcide, has officially been awarded SEASON REGULAR status!)

Here’s a little something to help you celebrate this AMAZING news!

And another SOMETHING . . .

You’re welcome.

1:19 – SOOKIE:  “If I knew what was best for me, I would have fallen in love with someone like you.”

(Get in line, Sookie!  Get in line . . .)

1:24 – SOOKIE:  “GET .  . . OUT . . . OF MY HOUSE . . . B*TCH!”

YEAH!  You go, Bad Ass Commando Sookie!

Be afraid, Trashy Debbie She-Mullet!  Be VERY afraid!

1:34 – Don’t you just HATE IT when you get stuck in the ceiling, next to the multi-million dollar chandelier!  I know I do .  . .

1:47 – You know, for some reason, every time I see Lorena, I get that song by Flo Rida stuck in my head.  “You spin my head right round, right round, when you go down, when you go down, down.”

I can’t imagine why . . .

1:53 – Poor Sookie!  If  this was any other character on this show, a picture like this would have me really worried.  But it’s SOOKIE .  . . so, I’m not.  

(No Sookie = No True Blood, and if the ratings are any indication, this show is going to be around for a LONG, LONG time!  Therefore, I’m thinking our girl is going to be just fine.  Just a little hunch I have . . .)

1:57 – Hey, I don’t like this Dream Sequence!  A Dream Sequence without a shirtless male in it, is like  . . . well . . . I don’t know what it’s like . . . something LAME though, that’s for sure! 

2:01 – Here is our first glimpse of Claudine (played by Lara Pulver). She was a fairly important character in the latter half of Charlaine Harris’ Sookie Stackhouse Book series.  Unfortunately, I can’t TELL you what role she plays in Sookie’s life, because I don’t want to spoil it for you.  I CAN show it to you though . . .

(Warning: Spoilerific picture, below.)

And there you have it.  The new True Blood trailer in a nutshell.  So, what did you think?

[www.juliekushner.com]

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