July 4th Movie Quote Contest (a.k.a. The post my lazy butt came up with at the last minute, because I drank too much on July 4th)

Have you ever noticed how there is nothing AT ALL to watch on television during the entire July 4th weekend?  Case in point:  Earlier this evening, I was flipping through channels in search of decent programming.  The viewing selection on my small screen was SO bad, that I actually watched an infomercial . . . on a motor scooter for the elderly . . . for a full half hour.  It was only 10 p.m.

Four glasses of wine in my belly, and I was actually about to purchase this . . . another two glasses, and I would have bought a spare one for my pet cat.

But you know what DOESN’T suck during July 4th weekend?  MOVIES!

July 4th weekend is a time when film production companies tend to release their highest budget films, in hopes of scoring big at the box office, and, thereby, achieving that much coveted “blockbuster” status.  It is also a time when television networks tend to air some of Hollywood’s most successful blockbusters, during prime time hours.  Networks tend to do this because (1) why bother putting out new content, when everyone is too sunburned and beer-logged to watch it; and (2) the few people who ARE watching are so happy to find something decent on television to watch and so very drunk, they won’t care at all that it’s a movie they have already seen 25 times.

For this reason and because I have had too much to drink to be genuinely creative, I have decided to run a little informal contest / game here at TV Recappers Anonymous.  The winner gets . . . well . . . to be honest, the winner gets nothing, because I don’t have anything to give him or her.

However, having a contest win of any kind under your belt WILL provide you with massive “street cred” on the blogosphere, not to mention something to brag about at all your upcoming July 4th parties!

OK . . . Here’s how the game works.  Got a pen and paper handy?

Good!

I’m going to show you a YouTube video featuring 100 famous movie quotes.  As you watch the video, jot down as many movies and quote-uttering actors as you recognize.  Then, tally up your points.  You get one point for each movie you correctly identify, and one point for each actor. 

And remember NO CHEATING!  If I hear later from your friends that you paused this video and started trolling around IMDB for the answers, I am going to find out your home address, and personally mail this to it . . .

Don’t think I won’t do it, either! 

If you’d like, feel free to comment here on how many points out of the possible 200 you received.  If not, don’t worry, I won’t be insulted . . .

 .  . . well, maybe I’ll be a little insulted.  But I’ll get over it.

This would actually be a pretty cool game to play with your friends on July 4th, assuming the party you are attending is extremely lame.  Additionally, I’m pretty sure there is a way to turn this into a drinking game.  I just haven’t quite figured out how to do it yet.  (Your suggestions in that regard, of course, are welcome too.)

So, without further adieu, here are 100 famous movie quotes in under four minutes . . . Good luck!

(At some point, I MIGHT add a comment to this post that includes the “answers” to this game.  Until then, you are on the honor system.  And remember, I’ll be WATCHING YOU!)

 Happy July 4th, everyone!

Career in a Slump? Bad Publicity Got You Down? – Just Get in a Fat Suit and Dance with J Lo! All Will Be Forgiven!

Fat, bald, and booty-shaking is officially the NEW sexy!

Good ole’ Tom Cruise!  This guy has had more image makeovers than Madonna!  He first made a name for himself in the early 80’s, as a promising child star, in the movie Taps, alongside other soon-to-be big names, Sean Penn and Timothy Hutton.

 Then, a few years later, he reinvented himself in Risky Business, as a shy teen, who liked hookers . . . but disliked wearing pants.

As an early twenty-something, Tom Cruise starred in Top Gun,  a very “manly” movie about fighter pilots.  Soon after, he unwittingly became an icon for gay men everywhere, thanks to this little scene . . .

Then Tom did the “serious lawyer movie” thing in A Few Good Men.  And, even though I was still prepubescent when it came out, I’m pretty sure that it was this film (and the below scene in particular) that eventually inspired me to go to law school.  Not that Tom really cares, of course . . . (Nor should he.)

And what’s a modern day acting career without a little vampiric bloodsucking?  Here’s looking at you, Vampire Lestat in Interview with a Vampire!

Since when did Victorian Age vampires have access to crimping irons?

When you’re a Hollywood star, who is constantly bombarded by the media’s preoccupation with youth, mid-life crises tends to hit YOU a bit earlier than the rest of the world.  So, when Tom was staring down his late 30’s, he did what any self-respecting male A-list star does, upon being faced with his own mortality.  He made an action movie (or, rather, four).

(Insert annoying Mission Impossible theme music here.)

This was when things got a little hairy for Tom’s heretofore stellar media image.  First there was, that “Couch Jumping Incident”

Wow!  I truly forgot how bizarre and uncomfortable that was to watch!

This was quickly followed by that Today show interview with Matt Lauer, which I like to refer to lovingly as . . . “Glib”-gate.

And, yet, just when it seemed as if all hope had been lost for reviving Tom Cruise’s seriously messed-up career, out of the darkness of Hollywood, there emerged a little film called Tropic Thunder, and a very special character named Les Grossman.

The film procured mainly positive reviews.  In particular, Tom’s portrayal of tubby, potty-mouthed studio exec, Les Grossman, was extremely favorably received.  Les Grossman went a long way toward reviving Cruise’s seemingly stalled career.  The role singlehandedly illustrated his comedic chops, his ability to laugh at himself, and his general willingness to play . . . well . . . fat and bald. 

The problem was that not EVERYBODY actually saw Tropic Thunder.  This was why, in order to stage a COMPLETE comeback, Tom needed to do this . . .

And based on my brief perusal of the message boards and entertainment rags, Tom’s Master Plan for Image Upheaval REALLY WORKED!   Mr. Cruise’s little dance with J. Lo at the 2010 MTV Movie Awards received almost uniformly positive reviews.  Some even cited it as the best moment of the ENTIRE awards show.  And, in discussing the dance, virtually NO ONE (except me, of course) made ANY MENTION AT ALL of all that Couch-Jumping, Scientology proseletyzing hoohaa! 

Congratulations Tom Cruise!  American media clearly has a very short memory . . .

Let that be a lesson to YOU, Lindsay Lohan . . .

It’s time to get fat and funky, GIRLFRIEND!

My Deep Dark Secret: I HATE Willy Wonka!

When I was a little girl, we had to watch the original Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory movie in school.  While most of my classmates sat on the library floor pin straight and smiling, rapt with attention, mouths watering from all that candy on the screen; I was hunched over in a ball, eyes intently studying my fingers, tears on my cheeks, praying for the bell to ring. 

The truth of the matter was, everything about this movie frightened me.  To me, the Oompa Loompas looked like demonic oranges thirsting for blood . . .

. . . or, perhaps, the cast of MTV’s Jersey Shore, whichever you prefer. 

(“Be Afraid, Be Very Afraid.”)

And Gene Wilder had the same wild and crazy eyes Jack Nicholson had in The Shining, not exactly the ideal babysitter, if you know what I mean.  Not to mention what the “kindly” Willy Wonka did to the kids.  I mean, I get that this movie was based on a  Roald Dahl novel that was supposed to be a cautionary tale against childhood misbehavior.  But, seriously, did the harsh punishments really fit the crimes here? 

At the end of the original film, Wonka assures Charlie that all of the other kids will be returned to their normal selves.  And yet, after each child met his or her respective fate, we never saw any of them again.  As a child, I truly believed that Willy Wonka killed them all.  After all, isn’t that exactly what adults told kids when someone or something died – that they just “went away?” 

Sound crazy to you?  Look at the evidence.  Violet Beauregard eats a piece of gum that she isn’t supposed to eat, and, as a result becomes instantly and morbidly obese.  What kind of message is that for young girls?  Not only does she become obese, her skin becomes blue, as in, suffocation blue.  That girl was a coronary waiting to happen, if you ask me.

Augustus Gloop served as another threat against the dangers of overeating.  (You might as well call this movie Jenny Craig for Kids.) 

(“Come on, boys and girls . . . They have Chicken Fettucini . .  FETTUCINI!!!!!”)

Augustus gets sucked into a chocolate fudge pipe and dumped into a chocolate fudge river.  Now, I’m no science buff, so I’m not quite an expert on the buoyancy properties of fudge.  However, I know it’s not meant for swimming.  And to me, it kind of looked like the poor kid drowned . . .

The spoiled Veruca Salt gets attacked by rabid squirrels (Note: I’m from New Jersey, so all squirrels are rabid, as far as I’m concerned.)  She then gets dropped down a high shoot, with nothing to pad her fall.  Couch potato Mike Teevee is shrunk to teeny weeny size, and, the way I saw it, probably ended up stepped on and squashed like a bug.

In 2005, Tim Burton remade the film in such a way that you actually saw the “bad kids” exiting the factory at the end of the movie, alive and well.  And yet, while not quite as traumatic (I was also a bit older by this point), this version still creeped me out.  That inexplicable back story Tim Burton added made Johnny Depp’s Willy Wonka look like a pedophile who was definitively abused and possibly molested as a child.  And that dentist chair scene?  I get chills just thinking about it . . .

(“I’ve been waiting for you . . . little Clarice.”)

So, as you can see, when it comes to Willy Wonka, I’m simply not a fan.  Please don’t hate me!