To Fluffer or Not to Fluff Her – What your favorite TV characters can teach you about unrequited love . . .

[Don’t worry, my fellow Fangbangers / Upper East Siders.  I haven’t forgotten about you!  I know I’ve been a bit remiss in my blogging recently, due to some real-life issues I’ve been facing.  But I’m BACK now.  You can expect a recap of The TVD season premiere “Growing Pains,” and a GG-related post, hopefully within the next 24 hours.  Thanks for your patience!]

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Not getting any lovin’ from that special someone in your life?  Nick Miller feels your pain . . .

“You’re an emotional fluffer,” the eternally wise Winston warned his perpetually unlucky-in-love loft mate, Nick on this week’s episode of New Girl, which was aptly titled “Fluffer.”

For those of you who don’t know what a fluffer is (or for those of you who are pretending not to know what a fluffer is, because you don’t want anyone to know you actually watch porn . . .) . . .

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A “fluffer” is someone whose job it is to keep porn stars “happy” prior to their . . . um . . . cinematic performances . . .

And by “happy” I mean HAPPY . . .

SO, what exactly does this have to do with Jess and Nick, you might be asking yourself if you didn’t see the episode.  WHY DIDN’T YOU WATCH THE EPISODE DAMMIT?  IT WAS A GOOD EPISODE!  GET OFF THE INTERNET AND WATCH IT NOW, YOU LAZY BUM?

Hmmm . . . let’s think about this for a second.  In what ways have we seen Nick fluff Jess . . .

Actually, the answer is a bit more abstract than that.  You see, according to Winston, Jess gets the emotional perks of coupledom from Nick, which , in turn, her up mentally, to BONE This Guy . . .

. . . and That Guy . . .

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And pretty much every other male guest star on this show . . .

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. . . which is great for Jess . . .

But, perhaps, not so great for Nick . . .

Porn analogies aside, Nick’s conundrum actually prompts viewers to, once again, consider that age-old question: Can men and women (particularly single men and women) be friends, or will sexual tension and unrequited feelings of lust / love on the part of one or both of the parties inevitably taint the “purity” of the platonic relationship?

In the case of Jess and Nick, the question was  . . . at least for the time being . . . decided in the affirmative.  With the help of some super sexy squabbling . . .

. . . a not-particularly-easy-to-assemble piece of furniture from IKEA . . .

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. . . and a rocking Nick Miller mix tape that contained the SHEER AWESOMENESS that is This Song . . .

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. . . our two adorkable loft mates ultimately concluded that, provided that they set some boundaries in their relationship (NO MORE FLUFFING!), Jess and Nick could, and should, remain friends, despite the fact that they both constantly dream about f*&king one another senseless .  . .

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. . . admit to being more than a little bit attracted to one another . . .

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Of course, the question remains: How long can these two keep up the pretense of platonic friendship, before their baser instincts take over, and good ole horny human nature is allowed to run its course?

Because if Harry and Sally are any indication it could take them anywhere from two days . . .

. . . to TWELVE YEARS . . .

Of course, Nick and Jess weren’t the only TV characters suffering from the slings and blue balls arrows of friendship-without-the-benefits this week.  Get a load of Mulan . . .

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Talk about a hardcore fluffer!  I mean, this chick spent 28 years helping the guy she was head over heels in love with slay dragons and conquer evil, just so that she could watch him wake up his narcoleptic girlfriend, and engage in some nauseatingly overzealous PDA with her . .

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Then, as if that wasn’t bad enough, this happened . . .

Let that be a lesson to you unrequited lusters out there!  If you happen to be one of those people who’s secretly in love with your best friend, you MUST tell him (or her) how you feel, ASAP.  I mean, sure, it might ruin your friendship.  But, hey, you never know when a Dementor from the Harry Potter movies is going to come and eat the face off of the maybe-love of your life, thereby ruining every chance you ever had at happiness . . . FOREVER!

Of course, Mulan wasn’t the only TV warrior princess forced to “fluff” from the sidelines this week, while someone else reaped her sexual rewards . . . Care for a little Revenge with your emotional fluffery?  I thought you might . . .

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You’ve met Emily Thorne, right?  You know, the girl who’s real name is actually Amanda Clarke.  But she is pretending to be Emily Thorne, in order to wreak vengeance upon the Evil Rich People who played a role in the untimely death of her father, David Clarke?

And if you’ve met Emily, then you’ve probably also met Faux-Manda, the girl who switched identities with the real Amanda Clarke, in juvie, and did a brief stint as a murderess stripper . . .

. . .  before totally Single White Female-ing Emily / Amanda, i.e. stealing her wholesome bartender boyfriend right out from under her,  by pretending that she’s actually Amanda Clarke . . .the chick he hung out with back when he was eight.

. . .  because that’s not creepy at all . . .

Confused?

It gets worse.  Not only did Faux-Manda steal Jack, the Blue Collar Bundle of Beer-Stained Joy, right out from under Real-Manda / Faux Emily (F-emily?) ‘s nose, she also somehow managed to convince him that she’s carrying his floppy haired, future bar mop- slinging spawn.

Insert coin, eject Meal Ticket . . .

So, while our hero, Emily is busy cooking Bartender Dude dinner, giving him longing looks across the beach, and helping him bury his dead dog . . .

R.I.P. Sammy, the almost, but not quite, immortal dog . . .

Faux-Manda gets to bump uglies with him on a regular basis, dance on top of his bar, sleep in his bed, and carry what might very well be (though we are still doubtful) his toastie townie bun in her oven.  Talk about UNFAIR!

This, of course, raises another rather interesting question about the duties unrequited lovers have toward the objects of their affection.  Is it slightly out of line / a wee-bit opportunistic to tell your pal / wanna-be lover that his or her current significant other is a lowlife / skank?

On one hand, this might be overstepping your bounds as “friend / fluffer.”  Plus, there’s always the chance that your buddy crush might get offended by your accusations, and end up, as they say, shooting the messenger.

And, if you happen to be Emily Thorne, there’s that whole “that b*tch can totally blow my cover / ruin my REVENGE” thing with which to contend as well . . .

And yet, lets not forget the possibility that, if we don’t speak out, our loved ones might very well end up gettin their FACES SUCKED OFF off by the Dementor from Harry Potter . . .

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Now, she tells me!

So, yeah, love can be tough.  And being a fluffer can be even tougher.  But rest assured, unrequited lovers, sometimes the nice guy and girl really do get to finish first.

Harry and Sally, Pacey and Joey, Seth and Summer . . . they all eventually got their happy ending.  Your time will come too, you  Fluffer Nutter, you!

Because even if the girl or guy of your dreams is currently involved with someone else, there’s always the chance that they could break up . . . which brings me to this week’s episode of Glee . . .

But that, my friends, is a story for another post . . .

Until next time . . .

[www.juliekushner.com][Fangirls Forever]

The Week in WTF – A Look at Some of this Week’s Most Jaw Dropping TV Moments

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Greetings Couch Potatoes!  It’s been quite a week in TV Land.  Planes exploded . . . teens overdosed, graduated, flunked out, and enlisted in the army.  There were breakups, hookups, divorces, surprise pregnancies, conspiracies, embarrassing sexual encounters, blatant check fraud, and fake deaths.  Someone even joined the Hari Krishna!

So, sit back, relax, and let’s relive all the WTF . . .

Game of Thrones – “The Prince of Winterfell”

So, it turns out that, contrary to popular belief, Theon Greyjoy didn’t actually kill those two Stark boys, burn up their bodies, and hang them out to rot, outside the Gates of Winterfell.  Instead, he killed two random farmer boys, burned their bodies, and hung them out to rot, outside the Gates of Winterfell . . . which I guess is a relief . . . unless you happen to be those two farmers boys . . .

In other mistaken identity news, Cersei did not, in fact have Tyrion’s Whore beaten, like she claimed she did.  Instead, she had some OTHER whore beaten, who Tyrion had to PRETEND was his whore, to protect his real whore.  Am I sensing a pattern here?

Oh hey, it’s the Jamie Lannister and Brienne of Tarth comedy hour!

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Needless to say in the romantic comedy version of this story, Brienne and Jamie would tip over their canoe in a sexually tense fight, and would subsequently have to “get out of their wet clothes.” Then, they would fight some more, finally ending a passionate kiss, only to have some medieval object get in the way . . . like a metal face mask . . . or an inconveniently placed sword . . . Ouch.

In other news, please, for the love of all that is holy, GIVE THIS WOMAN BACK HER DRAGONS!

Mad Men – “Christmas Waltz”

So, um . . . remember This Guy . . .

 (Paul Kinsey)

Well, he’s baaack . . .  except . . . well . . . I’ll let you see for yourself . . .

See, folks, this is what happens to you, when you’re dumped by Don Draper.   You either put on a ton of weight . . .

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  . . . or you start working at the A&P, join the Hari Krishna movement, and pen bad Star Trek spec scripts with titles like “The Negron Complex.”  That hair though . . . it reminds me of someone . . .

 See, all this time, I’ve been dating Puck from Glee, I never knew he was a Hari Krishna.  You think you know a guy . . .

Meanwhile, Lane Pryce is in deep doo-doo, because he started forging company check’s to pay off his Mother Country tax debt . . .

But hey, Don Draper isn’t really Don Draper, right?  So, I guess if you’re going to forge someone’s name on a check, his is probably your best bet.  After all, he forges his name all the time.  Anyway, Lane  . . . you’re probably going to end up in jail . . . or deported . . . or you just might off yourself by the season’s end.  But hey, it could be worse.  You could be wearing this shirt . . .

In other news, Don and Megan went to a play.  Apparently, it was supposed to be about the horrors of advertising.  But to me it just looked like an extended public service announcement about why we should bring naptime back to the workplace . . .

Speaking of Megan . . . Don, the next time you plan on going out joyriding an getting wasted with Joan after work, you should strongly consider calling your wife, and letting her know you are going to be late . . . unless, of course, you enjoy eating spaghetti off your dining room wall . . .

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This, of course, brings me to my absolute favorite part of this episode . . . Don and Joan . . . Joan and Don.  This mostly platonic (but highly sexually charged) pairing is filled with so much awesomeness that no elevator, bar, or backseat of a newly purchased Jaguar could possibly contain it.

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And, perhaps, the most shocking thing of all?  They haven’t slept together . . . yet.

Girls – “The Return”

Those of you who watch “Girls” know that it is not at all uncommon for the main character, Hannah Horvath to do, say, or experience something that makes you want to go hide under your bed in cringeworthy embarrassment on her behalf.

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But regardless of how you might personally feel about Hannah, your heart really had to go out to her in this week’s episode.  I mean, no one should have to help her late-middle aged father off the bathroom floor, while he’s suffering from a sex injury, after an unfortunate incident involving doggy style in the shower with mom.  NO ONE!

“Help, I’ve fallen, and I’ve still got it up!” 

Glee – “Goodbye”

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Nineties kids and teens alike really got a kick out of this week’s Glee finale, which bid its senior class adieu by covering moderately oldies but still goodies, like the New Radicals “Get What You Give,” and “I’ll Remember,” which I mistakenly thought was “That Madonna Song from A League of Her Own” but my friend informed me was actually “That Madonna Song from With Honors.”

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(I guess I just forgot to “Remember” where the song came from.)

But I think a few weeks from now, when fans think back on this episode, less will be thinking about the music the grads sang and more about THIS . . .

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If watching Burt Hummel dance to Beyonce’s “Single Ladies (Put a Ring on It)” on his son’s behalf doesn’t make you smile, you don’t have a soul.  I’m sorry.  There’s just no nice way of saying it . . .

In less happy news, here’s a little tip my old wise ass has for those of you folks who are currently eagerly awaiting your college acceptance letters.  DO NOT . . . I repeat . . . DO NOT decide to open your letters with your friends because you think it will be a “bonding experience.”

You know what’s not a “bonding experience?”  Anything that entails your getting heart ripped out of your chest, while having to pretend that you’re actually happy for your friend who got into the school you didn’t, while your lifelong dreams were squashed . . . like a bug lying on a football field during game time.

And yet, while it was certainly shocking that Whoopi Goldberg let Rachel “I choked” Berry into NYATA, but not Kurt (I mean, let’s face it,  no one was really all that surprised about Finn getting dumped from The Actor’s Studio, right?), that was actually not the most jaw-dropping moment of the episode.  That moment actually came much later, when Finn did the classic 8:53 p.m fake out, and decided to . . . um . . . White Fang his high school sweetheart, Rachel.  (Those of you who watch New Girl know exactly what I’m talking about.)

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That’s right.  Finn Hudson didn’t marry Rachel Berry.  And he didn’t let her postpone her acceptance to NYATA to spend another year with Finn in Lima.  Instead, he broke up with her in the car on the way to their “wedding,” shoved her on a train, while she blubbered like a baby, and announced he was enlisting in the army . . . all in under five minutes . . .

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Run Finn . . . Run!

Now, if you’ve ever read my Gleecaps before back when I actually used to write Gleecaps you probably know that I’ve never exactly been the biggest Finchel fan.  And yet, I found this whole scene surprisingly emotional, due in a large part to Lea Michele just really knocking the scene out of the park.

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So, remember that friend of mine?  The one who corrected me about the film source of that Madonna cover?  Well, this scene actually prompted a rather heated discussion between us.  I mean sure, we started off simply enough, by discussing whether Finn Hudson was built for a career in armed services, and whether we thought Cory Monteith would look hot in a buzz cut . . .

But eventually we got around to talking about the nature of Finn’s sacrifice.  Personally, I thought it was probably the most noble thing the character has done in his entire time on the show.  In fact, watching this scene was the first time I really believed Finchel might actually make it in the long haul.  Because let’s face it, had Finn let Rachel defer her dreams on his behalf, the mutual resentments that would inevitably fester between them would have inevitably eaten their relationship alive.  Now, Rachel can sow her wild oats for a little while with some hipster types, Finn can finally get a haircut that fits his face, and eventually, they both can live happily ever after . . .  EVERYBODY WINS!

My friend, on the other hand, thought Finn was a TOTAL ASS for surprise dumping Rachel in a car, and subsequently inviting all her friends and her TEACHER (?) to the train station to see her snot and cry.

To each his own, I guess . . .

And finally . . .

Revenge – “Reckoning”

Now, here is a show that’s known for its twists, turns, and that adorable bionic dog that didn’t age for 20 plus years.  (R.I.P. Sammy!)

So, when it came time for the finale, we expected drama.  We expected to see Nolan fighting for his life, and Emily rushing to rescue her only true ally . . .

Most of us probably even expected that Emily would face off against the EEEEEVVVIL White Haired Man . . . but probably wouldn’t actually kill him . . . because it’s only the show’s first season . . .

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But I don’t think any of us expected those aforementioned things to be the LEAST shocking aspects of the episode . . . only to be topped by Emily breaking off her engagement with Daniel . . .

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  . . . Emily subsequently opening her heart to Barman Jack, only to find out that her alter ego, Faux-Manda Clark, is back in town and totally pretending to be pregnant with his child . . .

And then came the last five minutes of the episode, which packed into them no less than THREE potential deaths, one awakening from the dead (Emily’s mom), a MASSIVE CONSPIRACY, and possibly the best use of Florence and the Machines song “Seven Devils” of all time!

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(You also might be “freaking dead.”)

 Don’t believe me?  See for yourself . . .

Now, personally, I don’t really think either Victoria or Charlotte Grayson actually went into that big ole Hamptons Mansion in the sky.  (Lydia’s probably a goner.  I mean, seriously, how many times do they have to almost-kill this woman, before she finally stays dead?)  But I still have to give the writers props for “going there,” and for crafting what was possibly the best five minutes of television I’ve seen all year.  And as for Season 2, all I’ve gotta say is this . . .

So, there you have it, my Week in TV WTF.  What were YOU watching?

[www.juliekushner.com][Fangirls Forever]

Everybody Loves My Inappropriate Sense of Humor a.k.a My Thoughts on Lost’s “Everybody Loves Hugo”

“WILL ALL YOU CRAZY DEAD PEOPLE SHUT THE F UP?”  Charlie and I are trying to make a Burp Remix of ‘You All Everybody,’ and I can’t hear myself think!  Now I know how Dr. Dolittle feels . . .”

If Desmond-centric episodes represent the “Thinking Man’s Lost,” Hurley-centric episodes are the “Funny Man’s Lost.”  They generally never cover a lot of ground, storyline-wise, but rest assured, there will be a lot of laughs along the way.  Except . . . you may just find yourself feeling a bit guilty about what you are laughing at . . . (fat jokes, food jokes, jokes about people exploding into smithereens . . .)

Oh, and did I mention watching Hurley-centric episodes of Lost are a TERRIFIC excuse to get wasted?

So, here’s what I liked about the episode:

1) Ilana Goes Boom-Boom (and Bye, Bye)

Does it make me a bad person that I giggled a bit when Ilana got blown up by a randomly-placed stick of dynamite, just as she was self-righteously lecturing the Losties about following Dead Jacob’s orders?  The girl may have been Jacob’s “Candidate Protector.”  However, when it really came down to it, she ended up being nothing more than a glorified redshirt on this show. 

Did you notice how NONE of the Losties seemed remotely upset by her demise?  Talk about INSENSITIVE!  I mean, I can laugh, because I don’t really know the girl.  She’s just a random TV character to me, and a BORING one at that.  (BTW, I’m sure the actress –who is alive and well, by the way — is a lovely person . . .)  But . . . THESE GUYS?  Not even kindly HURLEY shed a tear for this one.   Maybe these uber self-absorbed folks are in HELL after all?

2) Rich Hurley, Poor Hurley – Same Difference

I loved that the writers didn’t go the typical route, and make Hurley a douche in flash-sideways world, just because he was lucky and financially successful there.  In fact, Rich Hurley was EXACTLY THE SAME as Poor Hurley, and BOTH are awesome!  I also loved how, despite all of Hurley’s great philanthropy and the accolades he received at that museum dedication ceremony made by DR. MARVIN CANDLE  . . .

Good one Lost!

Hurley’s mom still only cared about the fact that he didn’t have a girlfriend.   So typical!  Despite his immense success, Hurley was still just as insecure and nervous around girls, as always . . . ABSOLUTELY ADORABLE!

Speaking of girls . . .

3) Hurley and Libby Sitting on a BEACH, K-I-S-S-I-N-G!

These two were FABULOUS together, during this episode!  I loved how Libby was on a field trip away from the mental hospital, when she confronted Hurley about “knowing him in another life.” And yet, even though he didn’t remember her (at least, initially), he STILL wanted to go on a date with the loony lady!  I also loved that these two literally crazy kids FINALLY got to have their “Beach Date,” complete with an assortment of cheese (“Because everyone likes cheese,” says Hurley), and a surprisingly sexy kiss.  Said kiss was SO INTENSE, it brought back all of Hurley’s Lostie memories.  Kudos to Desmond, for making good on the promise he made during last week’s episode, to bring about the Losties’ awareness of Island World, by promoting generalized lovey-doveyness.

Speaking of Desmond . . .

4) Desmond go down the HOLE, Locke go under the CAR . . .

How PISSED did MIB look, when Desmond told him that he wasn’t afraid of him?  You just knew right then that Smokey was up to no good!  And of course, there was that WELL Smokey was showing Desmond.  If we’ve learned anything from our Lost writers, it’s that they will NEVER pass up the opportunity for a good Alice in Wonderland reference.  Down the rabbit hole, anyone?

(Speaking of scary children’s tales remade by Tim Burton, did you catch the Willy Wonka tunnel speech, in next week’s previews?)

Still gives me the chills!  No wonder Willy Wonka scared the stuffing out of me, as a kid!

So, it wasn’t particularly surprising that MIB threw Desmond down the well in Island World.  What WAS surprising, however, was that Flash-Sideways Desmond appeared to REMEMBER it!  So much so, that he didn’t have any qualms at all about running a wheelchair -bound Locke over with his car!  (Odd that the seemingly omniscient Desmond never caught on – – as everyone else on the island seemed to, instantly upon meeting him — that Nu-Locke and Old Locke weren’t the same person . . .)

“Peggy Bundy is going to be PISSED!”

By the way, did you catch how flash-sideways Ben TOTALLY thought Desmond was a major pedophile, because he found him parked in the high school parking lot, leering inappropriately?

5) Hurley takes charge!

It is HIGH TIME these Losties took Hurley, seriously!  I loved how Jack and the rest of Team Jacob (well . . . except for Miles, Ben and Richard Alpert) were willing to follow Hurley on his mission to talk to MIB, and prevent the other Losties from using the plane to leave the island.  Jack didn’t even seem to mind that much that Hurley had lied about “seeing Jacob” to get the others to go along with his plan.  Old Jack would have totally kicked his ass . . . It looks like our Man of Science has become a Man of Faith, after all!

“You’ve come a long way, BABY!”

6) From a Whisper to a Scream . . .

“There’s no place like the island, there’s no place like the island, there’s no . . . CRAP!  I’m still here!”

So, first we thought the “whispers” in the jungle were the Others.  Then, we thought it was the Smoke Monster, NOW we FINALLY know its the collective voices of dead people with “unfinished business.”  Sound familiar?

No wonder they won’t leave Hurley alone!  As far as Big Answers go, this one’s a bit cliche.  However, it DOES dovetail nicely with the rest of the Lost mythology, at least in terms of consistency.  After all, when you think about it, the WHISPERS were always heard right before a character was either about to DIE or be faced with his or her own mortality . . .  All, in all, I give the “answer”  a “B”

What I didn’t like:

1) That was it?!!!!

ONE ANSWER?  There isn’t much time left, Lost writers!  You MIGHT want to be more forthcoming with the info, in the near future!

2) Glee Robber!

OK, OK!  I guess it isn’t really Lost’s fault that the first half-hour of the season premiere of Glee coincided with this episode.  But the untenable TV conflict still made me mad enough to throw a slurpee at some ABC execs . . .

See ya next week, Losties!

Benjamin Linus is My New TV Boyfriend! – A Recap of Lost’s “Mr. Linus”

Just look at that come hither stare . . .  Who knew history teachers could be so sexy?

WARNING: This recap might not be particularly snarky.  After all, I am in love (with Benjamin Linus!).  And one of the side effects of falling in love is a complete loss of one’s sense of humor . . .

Who would have thought that the most uplifting, feel-good, episode of the entire Lost series, thus far, would belong to a character that will undoubtedly go down in history as one of the best television villians of all time?  For all those women out there (myself included) who have always dreamed of roping in and taming a bad boy, this episode was the ultimate fantasy come true.  If Michael Emerson does not win an Emmy for his performance in “Mr. Linus,” the entire Academy of Television Arts and Sciences deserves to suffer the wrath of Smokey!

And when it comes to the Emmys, Smokey does NOT mess around!

But in order to truly understand the full extent of Benjamin Linus’s current redemption, both in flash-sideways world, and in real time, we should probably go back and revisit the single worst moment in the character’s entire life: the death of his adoptive daughter, Alex Rousseau.

At the time, Benjamin Linus and his band of Others were living at the island Barracks.  Things were going peachy for Ben, until his nemesis, Charles Widmore, sent over his head minion, Army Drill Sergeant from Hell, Martin Keamy, to ensure Ben’s surrender and departure from the island.  By way of collateral, Keamy kidnapped Ben’s adoptive teenage daughter Alex, and brought her to Ben’s house with a gun to her head.  Keamy told Ben to either surrender immediately or watch his daughter die.  Ben thought Keamy was bluffing, and stayed put.  He wasn’t.

A Principal Without Principles . . .

Back in flash-sideways world, Ben and his father left the island, presumably before all the sh*t hit the fan down there.  Now Ben is a reluctant European History teacher at a high school, desperately seeking more excitement from his humdrum life.  In his opening scene, Ben teaches his students about Napoleon’s exhile to Elba, an obvious metaphor for Ben’s own meteoric rise and fall as “The Chosen” One on Lost island.  

I love when Lost gets all “literary” on us.  You can bet that this episode’s shout out to the above-referenced book (apparently the castaways on-Island library offers both this tome and porn), will send hard core Losties racing to their nearest bookstores in search of clues . . .

“Elba was where Napoleon faced his greatest test.  Exhile wasn’t the worst of his fate.  It was the truly devastating loss of power.  Sure, they allowed him to keep the title of emperor.  But without his power, everything was meaningless.  He might as well have been dead,”  Dr. Linus tellingly, instructs.

Flash Sideways Ben’s only joy comes from being able to run the school’s History Club, and tutor its student members, especially Alex Rousseau (who, in this timeline, is a precocious teen with aspirations to attend Yale).  That is until the school principal cancels the club, citing “budget cuts.”  (Really?  How “expensive” is some lame club where all students do is get together and talk about history?)

When Ben vents his frustrations to his colleagues, former Flight 815er Doc Arzt and new “Substitute” John Locke, the latter suggests that Ben take on the principal position for himself.    The opportunity to do this arises, when Alex admits to Ben that she saw the Principal engaged in illicit activity with one of the school nurses.  With Doc Arzt’s help, Ben hacks into the Principal’s computer and finds e-mails implicating the Principal in the aforementioned naughty conduct. 

Ben confronts the Principal with aims to blackmail him and usurp his position.  However, the Principal warns Ben that, if he does this, the former will take revenge on Alex (just as Keamy did — on a significantly smaller scale, of course) by single-handedly ruining the young girl’s chances of attending the principal’s alma mater, Yale.  This time, Ben chooses Alex.  As a result, he doesn’t get to be principal . . . but at least he gets his History Club back?

And thus, our Flash-Sideways World Ben has redeemed himself.  Something Flash-Sideways Sayid was unable to do last week . . .

Ben and Team Jacob, BFF (Best Friends Forever For Now)

If last week’s Lost episode focused on Smokey and his dastardly team of crazies, this week’s episode spotlighted the above-referenced opposing team, led by Ilana, the Candidate Bodyguard.

“And Iiiiiiiiii, eeeee iiiii, will always love Jacccob!” 

(Yeah, I’m not really a fan of Ilana’s, so far.  The character is a bit like the above song, only one-note, and a highly annoying one at that.)

When Miles “I Communicate with Dead People” (or, in this case, Dead Ash) Straum conveniently leaks to Ilana that Ben killed her “father figure” Jacob, she gets a little pissed off at our boy.  So pissed off, in fact, that she chains his leg to a stake and forces him to dig his own grave.

Speaking of death wishes, Richard Alpert, he of the guy liner and the never-aging face . . .

finds himself exhausted, from a life of serving Jacob, and always looking so damn pretty day in and day out.  His solution, therefore,  is to off himself, a la Bill Murrary in Groundhog Day.

Yeah, it didn’t work for him either . . .

Apparently, one of the rules of Lost island, is that, if you are Jacob’s candidate, you can’t end your own life.  Someone else has to do it for you.  I guess this would explain why former candidate Michael Dawson couldn’t shoot himself in the episode “Meet Kevin Johnson” but was able to die later when the submarine he was on exploded. 

Richard Alpert must have watched “Meet Kevin Johnson,” because he commandeers Jack and Hurley to light his ass on fire with a stick of dynamite.  Hurley bails on the plan, but Jack stays and sets the dynamite aflame.  Jack tells Richard that both of them are meant to be on this island . . . alive.  Therefore, he is certain that the stick of dynamite will not explode.  He is right . . .

Meet Jack Shephard – Man of Science  Man of Faith

While Jack and Richard are busy NOT blowing themselves to smithereens, Smokey is visiting Ben, offering him a means to escape Ilana’s clutches and join the Darkside.

Smokey tries to entice Ben, by offering him the opportunity to govern the island once again.  After all, just like Napoleon, Island Ben has always been a man driven by power.  Ben takes Locke’s advice and makes a break for it.  But he soon finds himself at a standoff with a Ilana. 

Instead of shooting her, as old Ben would likely have done without so much of a thought, a tearful Ben explains to Ilana how his anger over sacrificing his daughter to serve Jacob and the island, ultimately, caused him to kill Jacob, an action he deeply regrets.

When Ilana asks Ben why he has chosen Team Smokey, Ben admits that Smokey is “the only one who will have him.” 

The line is one of the most endearing of the evening, as it paints Ben as an outsider – one who, deep down, just wants to have friends.   Ilana must have agreed with me, because, instead of simply letting Ben go, she replies, “I’ll have you.” 

(Don’t you be taking Ben from me, Ilana!  He’s MINE now!  All MINE!)

At the episode’s conclusion, Jack, Hurley, and Richard, reunite with Ilana, Sun, Lapidus, Miles, and, of course, Ben.   And thus, Team Jacob is born.

Team Jacob is definitely the underdog in this matchup.  After all, there are no supernatural powers in this group (not aging is cool and all, but it doesn’t really help you in a fight, unless your opponent is one of the Golden Girls . . )

Yet, my money is still on Team Jacob.  I think they will be the Cinderella story of the season.  How about you?

Oh, and I almost forgot, in the last few seconds of the episode, something EVIL made its way through the ocean toward the Losties . . .

No, not that.  It was just Charles Widmore in a submarine.  Still, pretty scary, no?

Well, that’s all she wrote, Lost fans.  What did you think?  Are you ready to start the Michael Emerson Emmy campaign with me?  Is your money also on Team Jacob for winning the Lost ultimate showdown?  Do you think Charles Widmore will fight for Team Smokey, or does he have his own agenda to accomplish on Lost island?

Only time (travel) will tell . . .

It’s The Locke Comedy Hour! – A Recap of Lost’s “The Substitute”

This week’s installment of Lost kind of reminded me of a sitcom, complete with running gags, a catchphrase, and Peggy Bundy from Married with Children.

Here’s the pitch.  Charlie Brown is all grown up, and is now suffering the slings and arrows of late middle age.  (Then again, Charlie Brown has been bald since age 8.  So, at least that part of the aging process is easy for him.)  Unfortunately, due to a freak accident involving an ex-girlfriend and a football, he has been confined to a wheelchair . . .

But that doesn’t mean he can’t have madcap adventures!  This groundbreaking new sitcom is called . . . wait for it . . .  “You’re Getting Old, Charlie Brown.”

Starring John Locke as Charlie Brown .  . .

Hurley as Pig Pen . . .

Rose as Marcy . . .

With special guest star Benjamin Linus as Linus!

So, without further adieu, let’s roll the credits, sing along to the cheesy theme song, and tune in for The Locke Comedy Hour!

Nobody Tells Old Locke What He Can and Can’t Do (Except Everybody Does)

When we last left our bald-headed friend in Flash Sideways World, he was at the airport, filing a claim for his lost luggage  (a case containing his spiffy knife collection), and gabbing it up with spinal surgeon, Jack Shepard, who offered the wheelchair bound “Man of Faith” his business card.  Now Locke is heading back to his cute little ranch home in the suburbs.  In a running joke that pops up throughout the episode, the thingamajigger in Locke’s car that raises and lowers his wheelchair to the street, gets stuck, causing him to face plant on his freshly mowed grass (insert laugh track here).

Eventually, Locke rights himself and enters his home, where he receives a warm welcome from his fiancé Helen (Peg Bundy in the flesh!). 

Just a sidenote . . .

If you recall, in Original Lost World, Helen left Locke when he refused to break ties with his con man biological father, Anthony Cooper, who had  convinced Locke to donate him his kidney and then promptly abandoned him after he did so.  After Helen disappeared, Locke became involved with Cooper again.  The latter pushed Locke out of an 8th story window when Locke tried to intervene in a con Cooper had orchestrated.  It was this fall that resulted in Locke being confined to a wheelchair.

In Flash Sideways World, Locke is already in a wheelchair, but Helen is obviously still in his life.  It is unclear when, in the context of this universe, Helen returned to Locke.  Additionally, when discussing their upcoming nuptials, Helen mentions having a small wedding with both her own and Locke’s parents.  Presumably, Helen is referring to Locke’s adoptive parents and NOT his sociopathic biological dad.  Yet, as all bets tend to be off in Flash Sideways World, we cannot be too sure.

Although in the season’s premiere episode, Locke spoke with Boone on the plane about attending the Australian walkabout, when Locke speaks to Helen and his D-bag boss Randy, he only refers to a “conference” that he attended while in Australia.  D-bag Randy (1) catches Locke in a lie about this “conference;” (2) determines that Locke attended the walkabout instead; and (3) promptly fires him.  In the parking lot, a recently unemployed Locke AGAIN can’t get his chair mover thingamajigger to work, because another car is parked too close to his own (insert laugh track here).

Fortunately, the owner of the car comes to Locke’s rescue.  And it’s . . . HURLEY! 

Not at all peeved that an angry Locke tried to bash in his car, Rich Lottery-Winning Hurley, who just so happens to own the box company that just fired Locke, passes him the number to a temp agency that he also owns (Who knew this guy had such an entrepreneurial spirit?) and promises  Locke a new job.

Locke travels to the temp agency and promptly asks to speak to the supervisor there.  And I bet you can’t guess who it is?  Time’s up!  It’s ROSE!

Locke demands that Rose give him a job at a construction site.  In support of his job qualifications, Locke shouts what will no doubt become the hottest catch phrase in television history.  “Nobody tells me what I can and can’t do!”  (Insert audience applause).

(OK, maybe the second hottest catchphrase . . . Sorry Arnold.)

Rose, however, WILL NOT be won over by catchphrases.  She puts Locke in his place, stressing the importance of accepting one’s limitations in order to lead a full life.  Her admission that her life is “better” now that she has come to terms with her terminal cancer diagnosis is both ironic and poignant, seeing as BOTH Rose and Locke have been cured of their respective ailments in Island World.  (Then again . . . in island world Locke is dead . . . soooo . . .)

Locke ultimately takes Rose’s advice.  He comes clean to Helen about the humiliation he experienced when he was denied the opportunity to participate in the Australian walkabout.   He then, tears up Jack’s business card, determined not to spend his life seeking treatments he knows will not cure him (so much for the Man of Faith . . .).  Ultimately, Locke accepts a job from the temp agency as a SUBSTITUTE teacher  (See how they used the episode title there?  Clever right?). 

In the teachers’ lounge, Locke encounters a curmudgeony history teacher bitching about the other teachers’ failure to clean the coffee pot after usage.  And that curmudgeony teacher is . . . 

BENJAMIN LINUS (Insert thunderous applause for our special guest star!)

And that ends our flash-sideways portion of the evening.  As you can see, not too much happened here to advance the general plotline . . .

Nobody Tells Nu-Locke What He Can and Can’t Do (No . . . Really . . .  NO ONE!)

Back in our original timeline, Nu-Locke is traveling around in style, using his favorite mode of transportation, a black cloud of smoke.  And I have to say, I’m a bit jealous.  Walking to the subway station on the way to work can be so time consuming and tedious sometimes.  All those darn people are always getting in my way!  Now, if I could travel Smokey style, that would be a completely different story.

According to the remaining female survivor of Jacob’s followers (Nu-Locke killed the rest under the guise of Smokey, two weeks ago), Nu-Locke is now “trapped” in Locke’s form and is “looking for recruits” to help him get off the island.  Locke’s first candidate for a recruit is Richard Alpert.  Unfortunately, Alpert is a no go, because he is on . . .

Next, Nu Locke turns to Sawyer, who is still moping over Juliet, and is busy getting wasted in the cabin where he and she used to live.  Unlike Richard Alpert, Sawyer doesn’t need to be on Team Jacob, or any team, for that matter, because he looks like this . . .

With nothing to lose, now that the love of his life is gone, Sawyer follows Nu-Locke into the jungle, enticed by Nu-Locke’s offer to show him the answer to the question that has been plaguing Lost fans for 6 seasons now: Why is Sawyer [or any Lostie for that matter] on this crazy Island?

While Nu-Locke and Sawyer are heading off on their madcap adventure, back at the beach, Jacob’s sole surviving follower convinces Ben, Sun, and Lapidus to travel with her to the Temple where the rest of the Losties are currently stationed.  Before they can go, however, they have to dispose of Old Locke’s body.  The gang dig a hole and perform an impromptu burial of their sort-of friend.  However, when it comes time to provide a eulogy, no one seems all that excited to speak on Dead Old Locke’s behalf.

Finally, Ben decides to say a few words.  “John Locke was a Believer,” he says.  “He was a Man of Faith.  He was a better man than I will ever be.  I’m sorry I murdered him.”

Haha.  I have to agree with Lapidus when he says, “Weirdest funeral ever!”

Back in the jungle, Richard Alpert tries to warn Sawyer to stay away from Nu-Locke, but Sawyer ignores him.  Sawyer isn’t the only traveler to have to cope with an unwelcome visitor, however.  Locke keeps seeing a ghostly blonde boy in the jungle.  The boy approaches Locke and says, cryptically, “You can’t kill him.”

It is uncertain who this little boy is, or to whom exactly he is referring.  Is it Jacob (who Nu Locke seemingly already killed) or Sawyer?

Nu-Locke is apparently as confused by these remarks as we are . . . confused and pissed.  Angrily, he responds, “No one tells me what I can and can’t do!”  (And there’s that catch phrase again . . .)

When Nu-Locke informs Sawyer that the answer to his “Why You Are Here” riddle is at the bottom of a steep cliff overlooking the ocean, I start to think that the little boy was referring to Sawyer after all.  I instantly became very worried that Nu-Locke was about to take his “Can Do” Attitude to a whole new level of evil  by offing Sawyer (which would be awful, in my opinion, because Sawyer is way too hot to die).  Understandably, I was pleasantly surprised, and more than a bit relieved, when Nu-Locke rescued Sawyer, after the latter ran into some trouble climbing down the cliff. 

Once on the ground, safe and sound, Nu-Locke leads Sawyer into a tunnel adorned by a small scale with a white ball on one side and a black ball on the other.  Nu-Locke smiles cryptically before tossing the white ball into the ocean.  “Inside joke,” he explains to Sawyer, causing us Losties to recall Old Locke’s “Backgammon is Life” analogy from season 1.

Fitting isn’t it?  After all,  Jacob’s Nemesis/ Nu-Locke  is typically referred to as the “Man in Black.”

Once inside the tunnel, Nu-Locke shows Sawyer that it’s walls are filled with the crossed out names of former Island inhabitants.  However, SOME names have not yet been crossed out.  Nu-Locke explains that these names represent the “candidates” that Jacob manipulated to come to the Island and protect it.  Each name is accompanied by a number because “Jacob had a thing for numbers,” says Nu Locke.

Of course, the “numbers” that accompany the names are none other than those special numbers that have been plaguing Losties for six seasons.  Here are the names that weren’t crossed out and their accompanying numbers:

4-Locke (Nu-Locke crosses this one out himself – CAN DO, CAN DO!)

8-Reyes (Hurley)

15-Ford (Sawyer)

16-Jarrah (Sayid the Zombie)

23-Shephard (Jack)

42-Kwon (Jin?  or Sun?)

Noticeably absent from this list are Benjamin Linus, Miles Straume, and Kate Austen, all of whom are still very much present in the Lost universe.  I’m not sure whether this bodes well for any of them . . .

So, there you have it folks.  What did you think?  Will Sawyer join forces with the Mysterious Man in Black to get off the island?  Are Ben, Miles and Kate, long for the Lost world?  Will the Locke sitcom make it past its pilot episode? 

Tune in next week, where, undoubtedly, none of these questions will be answered, but a few more will be asked . . . Although, it is the last season, so maybe I’m wrong . . . I hope so!

Lost and Zombies – A Recap of “What Kate Does”

You know how when you were a little kid, and you were absolutely certain you were going to have a snow day, so you stayed up late and skimped on your homework in anticipation of the big event?  Well, unfortunately, I am no longer a student.  And, as for a snow day, it could be the Apocalypse, and they still wouldn’t close my office.  Yet, I have decided to embrace my inner naughty girl and stay up late to type up this Lost recap. 

So here goes . . .

Kate in Flash-Sideways Land

“Curiouser and curioser .  . .”

When we last left Kate, back in alt-2004, she had just landed safely at LAX, given U.S. Marshal Edward Mars the slip, and hijacked a taxi that contained within it a very pregnant Claire.  In the episode’s opening scene, Kate holds the taxi driver at gunpoint and directs him out of the airport.  (By the way, I loved the random Midnight Cowboy reference inserted into this scene by the infamous dead-in-another- timeline Lostie, Doctor Arzt.  “Hey, I’m walking here!”   – Classic!)

Soon after the trio makes a getaway, the cowardly taxi driver jumps out of the cab and heads for the hills, leaving Claire to fend for herself.  (Even in Alt World, chivalry is apparently dead.)  Kate then forces Claire to give up her purse, and kicks her out of the cab. 

(Bad Kate!  Claire is so taking down your medallion number.  You will NEVER drive a cab in this town again!) 

Next, Kate heads to a car repair shop and pays the auto mechanic $200 to remove her handcuffs.  I’m not exactly sure where she got the money, seeing as most people don’t exactly carry cash on the way to the slammer.  Plus, Runaway Claire seemed pretty poor, so I doubt this money was hers.  However, I digress . . .

Later, as Kate is digging through Claire’s purse, she finds a stuffed whale, some baby paraphenalia, and a polaroid of the pregnant Claire, which presumably Claire planned to give to her adoptive parents so that her son would one day know his biological mother.  Struck with feelings of guilt (or deja vu), Kate drives the cab back to the bus stop where Claire is waiting.  Once there, Kate learns that Claire was supposed to be picked up at the airport by her son’s soon-to-be adoptive parents, but they never showed. 

Kate offers to give Claire a ride.  Genius Claire then agrees to get back in the taxi cab with the lunatic escape prisoner who held her at gunpoint and stole her purse.  Only on television will such acts of “bravery” NOT  leave you with a bullet lodged in your skull.

“Way to go, smarty pants!”

When Kate and Claire arrive at the home of the prospective adoptees, a nervous Claire asks Kate to go into the house with her.  Kate reluctantly agrees, and the two knock on the door.  A disheveled woman, eyes puffy from tears, explains that her husband has just left her and that she cannot raise a baby on her own.  Claire responds by going into labor right on this woman’s porch.  That’ll teach you to call first, before canceling your baby adoption plans!”

The most helpful convict ever, Kate drives Claire to the hospital and checks in with her, using an assumed name.  In ICU, Claire is cared for by none other than . . .  DR.  CREEPY MC-OTHER, ETHAN ROM!

There’s nothing McDreamy about this guy . . .

Dr. Creepy McOther tells Claire that she is far enough along to give birth.  However, if she doesn’t want to do that just yet, Creepy McOther can shoot her up with a lot of drugs and somehow postpone the birth.  If you recall, Creepy McOther kidnapped Claire on the island and shot her up with drugs there too.  In her second “super smart” move of the evening, Claire chooses the drugs . . . again.

NOOOOOOOO!  DON’T DO IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!

As if to protest her AWFUL decision, the baby heart monitor starts going haywire.  “Is Aaron going to be OK?”  Claire inquires frantically.

Instantly, both she and Kate flinch, as if recalling that, in alternate timeline, Claire’s child is actually named Aaron.  This is clearly a weird situation.  After all, in this timeline, Claire would have no reason to name her baby, as she planned on giving it up for adoption as soon as it was born.  Spooky! 

Eventually the monitors calm down.  Soon after, a couple of federal agents come looking for Kate, who is hiding nearby.  Claire covers for Kate, and the obviously-not-too-bright agents take their leave without asking too many questions.  Apparently, the agents and Claire share an IQ.

Kate thanks Claire for her generosity (or stupidity, depending on how you see it).  She then tells Claire that she should keep the baby.  Claire responds by offering Kate her credit card to be used during the remainder of her time on the run.  Quite a good team, these two.  In fact, they remind me of another female duo I used to know and love . . .

And we all know how that ended . . .

Jagged Little Pill

Back in the present day island world, Sayid has just come back from the dead, and Miles and Hurley have a few questions for him.    Miles wonders if Sayid saw the infamous white light.  Unfortunately, Sayid only remembers being shot and nothing more.  “You aren’t a zombie are you?”  Hurley inquires.

“No, I’m not a zombie,” Sayid answers straight-faced.

“OK.  We’ll be in the food court,” replies Hurley, before he and Miles exit stage left.

Could I just say, that these two have the best television bromance since Boston Legal’s Alan Shore and Denny Crane.  If they had their own show, I would totally watch.

Hugo “Hurley” Reyes and Miles Straume star in “We See Dead People.”  Coming Soon . . .

Mysterious Other-Others, Lennon and Dogen, also have some questions for the undead Sayid.  Unfortunately, they are interrupted in their interrogation, when a very angry Sawyer holds them and their minions at gunpoint.  Turns out our hot and tormented friend wants to blow this popsicle stand . . . and fast.  Knowing that Sawyer means business, Lennon and Dogen let him go, but then send two of their cronies out into the jungle to retrieve him.  To protect Sawyer and ensure his safety, Kate and Jin offer to go with these two men.

Kate gives the Others the slip and soon finds Sawyer at the Dharma cabin where he and Juliet played house with eachother in the past.  A heartbroken Sawyer confides in Kate that he feels responsible for Juliet’s death, since she wanted to leave the island and he hadn’t let her.  Had she left the island when she wanted to do so, she may have lived.  He then pulls out a ring and tells Kate that he had planned to ask Juliet to marry him.  Sawyer tosses the ring into the river, while a conflicted and still lovestruck Kate looks on in anguish . . .

Back at the temple, Lennon and Dogen take former torturer Sayid and . . . torture him, by prodding him with a burning hot poker and submitting him to some weird electroshock-type therapy.  “Why did you do this to me?” Sayid inquires.

“It was a test.  You passed,” explains Lennon.

After, Sayid leaves, however, Lennon and Dogen make it very clear that Sayid has, in fact,  failed the “test.”  Lennon then tells Jack that Sayid is “infected.”  He asks that Jack give Sayid a large silver pill to “save him.” 

A distrustful Jack asks Lennon what is in the pill, but answers are not forthcoming.  When Jack confronts Sayid about all this, Sayid agrees to take the pill if Jack thinks he should, because Sayid trusts Jack.

Still uncertain as to the right path, Jack confronts Dogen once again.  In a bold and impulsive act that is decidedly un-Jack, the Good Doc takes the pill himself.  A frantic Dogen heimlichs the pill out of Jack’s mouth instantly, and quickly explains that it contains poison.  “Why do you want to kill Sayid?”  Jack asks incredulously.

According to Lennon and Dogen, Sayid has a sickness, and once it enters his heart, the old Sayid will be completely “lost.”  When Jack asks how they know this, Lennon replies, “Because the same thing happened to . . .”

(Now at this point, I expected Lennon to say “Ben.”  After all, when Kate and Sawyer brought the young Ben to the temple to be healed from his bullet wound, Richard Alpert explained that once healed, he would “lose all innocence.”  So, it would make sense for Lennon to use Ben’s name.  But instead he says . . . )

 . . . “your sister.”

CLAIRE???????

Remember a few seasons back when Claire was rescued from a massive explosion at the Dharma compound with nothing but a splitting headache?  She then abandoned her baby in the middle of the night, and was never seen or heard from again, until an eerily calm, almost ghostlike, version of her appeared to Locke in Jacob’s cabin.  Suddenly, everything started to make sense . .

AHA!

In the final scene, the Other minions find and recapture Jin in the jungle.  Chip-On-His-Shoulder Minion looks as if he is about to shoot poor Jin, when shots ring out.  Both Other minions instantly fall down dead.  Jin looks up, confused, as an emotionless, gun-wielding, Claire steps out into view . . .

So what did you think?  Are Sayid and Claire really zombies?  Are the Losties ever going to get off the island in the present day?  Would you watch a buddy crime investigation show staring Miles and Hurley?

A “Blast” from the . . . Other Past: A Recap of the FINAL Lost Season Premiere

In a recent recap for Grey’s Anatomy, I wrote that Grey’s was like an old friend to me. And, with 5 seasons under my belt, I also consider Lost among my dear friends. And yet, they are very different, these two buds of mine. You see, Grey’s Anatomy and Lost aren’t exactly hanging out together at parties. After all, Grey’s is that annoyingly pretty and popular friend you have that’s a little bit needy, more than a bit self absorbed, and always seems to be whining about her cheating boyfriend.

(“McDreamy is so going in my burn book . . .”)

Lost, on the other hand, is kind of a nerd. He likes to read comic books and obscure science fiction texts. He engages you in endless conversations about time travel and the philosophy of life. He’s constantly nodding and winking at you about inside jokes the two of you have together . . . even if you don’t really understand all of them. In short, he’s Hurley.

Tonight’s two hour season premiere of Lost did not disappoint. It introduced us to some new faces (the Other Others), and reintroduced some old ones (Boone! Yippee! Charlie and Claire! Yay! Flight Attendant Cindy and those kiddies from the tail section . . . ummm . . . OK). It answered some questions. (We know what was in Hurley’s guitar case! We know how they healed young Ben Linus! We know who the Smoke Monster is!).

It asked some others. (What’s the deal with Alt World? Where did Jack’s dad’s coffin and John Locke’s knife set go?) And, of course, it pointed and winked at us a lot, with inside jokes . . . some of which we actually understood!

(“Oh that Hurley, he’s such a jokester!”)

It would be WAY too ambitious for me to even begin to cover everything that went on in this episode. Therefore, I’m simply going to review a few key plot points, by highlighting some of the episode’s more quotable moments.

Juliet: “It Worked.”

For a few seasons now, we have known that time travel has a lot to do with the mysteries of Lost island. What we didn’t know was what theory of time travel Carlton Cuse and Damon Lindelof had chosen to dominate their universe. Is time linear, such that any change you make in the past, causes a ripple or butterfly effect in future?

(“Go away Ashton! They didn’t choose “The Butterfly Effect.” So there!)

Or is time fractalized, so that every potential outcome of every event in our lives is played out in full in some alternate world? Based on this episode, it appears that Lindelof and co. have opted for the latter theory. Juliet’s setting off of the hydrogen bomb during the 1970’s began a new timeline. 

In this new timeline, the island was never made electromagnetically volatile.  Therefore, Desmond was never needed to press the infamous hatch button to prevent explosions.  Subsequently, he never neglected to do so.  Hence, Oceanic Flight 815 never crashed back in 2004.

In Alt World, Hurley considered himself “the luckiest man in the world.” Boone tried to rescue his sister from her boyfriend, but “she didn’t want to be rescued.” And Desmond was a Flight 815 passenger. Quite a unique place, that Alt World.

(See? Boone isn’t really dead. He’s merely turned into Vampire Damon from The Vampire Diaries . . .)

And yet, Jack and the rest of the Losties remained on the island after the incident . . . except in the present day. Thus, at least two distinct timelines are going on concurrently.

Before Juliet died after the “bomb incident,” she muttered some things to Sawyer about going out for coffee and “touching.” She had a big goofy smile on her face when she said all this. Juliet then told Sawyer she had something very important to tell him. Unfortunately, she never got the chance to say it . . . at least while she was alive.   When “I Speak to Dead People” Guru Miles communicated with her posthumously, Juliet reportedly informed him that, “It worked.”

My take on this? Somewhere in the Alt World timeline, Juliet, who perhaps, like the rest of the Losties, never made it to the island in this timeline, meets Sawyer and hits it off with him.  Because she was about to lose her life in her current timeline, Juliet was able to catch a brief glimpse of the alternative timeline, where she continues to exist.

Charlie: “I was supposed to die.”

In Alt World, Doctor Jack Shepard is called on to help an unconscious passenger in the airplane bathroom.  It ends up being Charlie, and when Jack clears out his airway passages to help him breathe, he finds a heroine-filled balloon.  Bad Charlie! What would Claire think? 

Once conscious, Charlie is by no means grateful to the Good Doc for saving his life, and utters the above-referenced line before being placed in handcuffs.  But why did he say this? Is it possible that people in Alt World retain some memory of their other existences? Juliet’s behavior back on the island, as well as Jack’s sense of déjà vu while on the plane, would seem to suggest that this is the case.  After all, on Lost island, Charlie too knew that he was meant to die . . .

 Jack: “Nothing is irreversible.”

In Alt World, Jack lands safely in L.A. only to find that his father’s coffin has not.  While waiting in customs, he comes upon a wheelchair-bound Locke, who’s knife collection was also lost mid flight.  When Jack inquires about Locke’s paralysis, the latter smiles ruefully, and explains that his condition is irreversible.  An unusually optimistic Jack passes Locke his business card before uttering the above-referenced line.  And perhaps he is telling the truth . . .

After all, in a single episode we have already seen any number of people coming back from the dead . . . which is, after all, the ultimate irreversible.

Head of the Other-Others: “Your friend is dead.”

With Sayid quickly bleeding out, Ghost Jacob, who was recently murdered by Ben at the behest of Not-Locke, informs Hurley that he must bring Sayid to “the Temple” in order to save his life.  Hurley and the gang comply and are met with the Other-Others and Cindy, the flight attendant from the plane.  We recognize the temple as the same place where young Ben, also near death at the time, was taken and revived. Other-Others want to kill the Losties until Hurley informs them that he is following Jacob’s orders.

To prove his point, Hurley shows them the guitar case Jacob left for him.  As it turns out, the guitar case contains a giant onyx with a message for the Other-Others regarding the importance of keeping the Losties alive.  Surprisingly, as Kate says, “These Others are actually trying to protect us.”  The question is how effective are they as protectors? Sayid is taken into the Temple and held under some muddy-looking water.  However, once the Other-Others have finished doing there thing, Sayid still looks pretty dead, and the Head of the Other-Others proclaims as much.  And yet, at the episode’s conclusion, Sayid miraculously awakens. But is it the same Sayid we know and love? Only time will tell . . .

Non-Locke: “I want the one thing the real Locke didn’t. I want to go home.”

After getting Ben to kill his nemesis Jacob, turning into the Smoke Monster and killing Jacob’s body guards, and decking the never-aging Richard Alpert, Non-Locke was pretty tired from his busy day. So, he took some time to wax poetic with Ben about the fate of the world.  In doing so, he discusses the sorry fate of the real John Locke, who in present day is dead and in Alt World is still paralyzed.  Either way, being the real John Locke kind of sucks right now.  For his sake can only hope that Jack is right and “nothing is irreversible.”

And there you have it.  The Final Season of Lost has begun in earnest.  And I don’t plan on getting much sleep until it’s over . . but that is a good thing!