MOUNTAIN ASSSSHHHHHHHH! – A Recap of Teen Wolf’s Season 2 Finale “Master Plan”

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Greetings, Werebangers!  Though it was a bit cartoony at times, and there were a few too many “plot-sicles” (Yes, I just made up a new word.) left hanging by the end of the hour for my taste, “Master Plan” was nothing if not entertaining.  The hour was jam packed with no less than FIVE potential deaths (though two of them just so happened to be by the same person), one breakup, one makeup, one surprise twist that resulted in the most unintentionally hilarious shouting of the words “MOUNTAIN ASH,” I suspect I will ever hear in my lifetime, one massive supernatural brawl to the tune of the series’ theme song, and a beautifully well-lit extended shot of Colton Hayne’s ass . . .

Let’s review, shall we?

[As always, a big hearty thanks to my pal Andre, who’s kickass screencaps are the Shiny Key that keeps me from turning into a Snot-Secreting Giant Killer Lizard, each week. :)]

In which everyone thinks that Jackson is dead (but we know he’s SNOT) . . .

“Let’s see . . . so far, this series, you’ve made a claw come out of my mouth, black blood come out of my ears, a snake come out of my eyeball, green scales come out of my neck, a tail come out of my ass, and now THIS.  Can’t a guy temporarily die in peace?”

When we last left our favorite boy vengeance lizard, he had just attempted reptil-icide, by clawing out his insides in the middle of a lacrosse field.  (Now, if that doesn’t constitute a game penalty, I don’t know what does!)

Shortly thereafter, the medics arrive to cart away the seemingly DOA Jackson and his decidedly Swiss-Cheese looking tummy.  Being the “kind and generous” soul she is, Mama McCall volunteers to ride in the ambulance with him.

“Ooh!  Can I come along?  Can I?  Can I?  This is the most lines of dialogue I’ve had all season!“

Now, normally, this would be against ambulance policy.  But hey!  It’s not like his actual parents (1) are present; (2) know, or seem to give two leaping lizards (See what I did there?), about the fact that their son might be future worm food.  (For the record, I’d like to think that if I randomly started spending my evenings as a big green ugly monster / mass murderer, my parents would sense something was up enough to at least wonder whether I was “on drugs.”)

“In my defense, Jackson is not my biological son.  Tyler Lockwood from The Vampire Diaries is my Real Son.  (And I didn’t give two craps about him, either).”

So, Mama McCall is graciously invited along for the trip!

Later, we are at the morgue.  And Mama McCall is still hanging out with Dead?Jackson!  (OH, honey, I know he’s pretty.  And I know you’re lonely.  But, trust me, girl.  You really can do better than an under-aged half-lizard corpse encased in a cocoon of snot . . .)

“I just want to be loved, dammit!  Love me, Dead Snot MAN!”

Oh, that’s right!  I haven’t even gotten to the part about the snot yet!  You see, I’ve come to the conclusion that every episode of Teen Wolf must, as a rule, contain at least one moment that will cause me to gag uncontrollably.  In “Master Plan,” this was the first of three . . .

As if it wasn’t nauseating enough that Jackson’s been leaking more mucus than Sneezy the Dwarf, this season, now he’s literally covered in the stuff.  (Yes, yes . . . I’m aware that it’s supposed to be “venom.”  But it sure as heck looks like snot to me!)

Frightened, and more than a little bit grossed out, Mama McCall, who, last I checked, was not a medical examiner, calls her son and his new f*&k buddy bestie, Isaac — who are also not medical examiners, so that the three of them can all stand around and gawk at Jackson’s naked, booger-covered, corpse.

“I can’t believe I gave up tickets to The Dark Knight Rises for this . . .”

Now, that’s what I call Family Bonding . . .

One thing can be said about Jeff Davis and Co.  They definitely know all the tricks in the book, when it comes to creating a Good Scare Moment.  And they do so here, as Mama McCall unzips Jackson’s body bag very . . . verrrry . . . slooooowwwwly . . .

What’s the matter Mama McCall, afraid of waking Mr. Snotty Pants?

Oops . . . too late.

Question out there to anyone who knows “stuff” about lizards.  Do they really have teeth like that?  Because . . . yuck.

Anywhoo . . . Mama McCall zips that body bag back up faster than you can say, “lizard dentures.”  Of course, it’s uncertain whether Mommy Dearest does this more because she’s afraid of getting eaten by those rotted chompers, or because Jackson is suffering from a wicked case of post-death Halitosis . . .

In which Stiles gets his ass handed to him by a dying old geezer, for no logical reason (but it still makes us cry) . . .

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Elsewhere, Stiles gets literally thrown into the Argent’s basement by some faceless Roid-head type.  (Geez!  How many Argents are there in this town?  Because I’m starting to think that these guys could give that wacky Duggar family a run for their money when it comes good old fashioned baby-making . . .  Come to think of it, maybe that’s why Allison only dates Scott.  Maybe he’s the only guy in town to whom she’s sure she’s not related!)

After belly flopping on the hard cold ground (What’s the matter?  Couldn’t spring for carpeting Argents?  Is money really that tight in the werewolf murder business?), Stiles finds himself face to face with the Argent’s newest tree ornaments, Boyd and Erica, who are quickly eclipsing Stiles, as the most consistently physically abused members of this cast . . .

This whole “being a werewolf” thing sounded a whole lot better in the instructional pamphlet . . .

Through some random exposition, we learn that the reason this loveable were-pair is currently dangling from the Argent’s ceiling, is that they are getting slowly charbroiled by bolts of electricity.  And the reason they are getting slowly charbroiled by bolts of electricity, is because Jeff Davis secretly loves torture porn because this apparently keeps them from wolfing out.  (This kind of makes me wonder why Derek didn’t use the same tactic, when he was trying to nurse his cubs through their first Full Moon together, a few weeks back.  Then again, if he had done that, it might have actually worked we probably wouldn’t have gotten to see this . . .

Oh hey!  Gerard has joined this party!  He’s come to emasculate Poor Stiles, by showing him that he can, in fact, be beaten up by a 98-year old (or, whatever age this guy is).

“I totally OWNED that young whipper snapper!”

Seriously, Teen Wolf?  Isn’t it bad enough that all Stiles’ friends are supernatural superheroes, and he never gets laid?  Now, you’ve got to have him SH*TCANNED by Oldies?  What’s next?  Is Betty White going to pop by give him a few drop kicks, and a punch in the face?

What made the scene even more difficult to watch was the fact that Stiles didn’t even try to fight back . . . not in the least.  This, actually got me thinking . . . to all you male viewers out there, who patently refuse to hit women (which, I sincerely, hope, is ALL of you Y chromosome owners), do you utilize the same standard when it comes to male geezers?  If so, at what age does it become patently immoral to clock an oldie in the face with your fist?   I’m serious.  I’d like to know your thoughts on this issue . . .

Now, I guess it’s safe to assume that the Argents kidnapped Boyd and Erica, in hopes of torturing them into giving up Derek’s location.  However, Gerard’s reasoning for hijacking Stiles is a bit more murky.  Was he meant to be used as bait for Derek or Scott?  Because it kind of seems like Grandpa just knocked the kid around a few times, and sent him packing . . .

“So yeah, I’m going to head on home now.  If you need anything, just yell . . . oh, wait, nevermind . . .”

That said — and I know I’m a totally awful person for saying this – but Beat-up!Stiles looked kind of sexy . .  . like Brad Pitt in Fight Club sexy.  I mean, he was dinged up just enough that you would felt bad for him, but not enough that it really messed up his adorable face.  Clearly, the makeup department Gerard has a talent for giving people attractive bruises . . .

Don’t be sad, Stiles.  Chicks dig scars . . .

Anyway, Stiles came home and had a tearful reunion with Papa Stilinski, so that we could all meet our Teen Wolf Weekly Cry Quota.

And then our snarky hero pretty much moped around in his room for three-quarters of the episode.  (Hey, you’d be bummed out too, if you just got the poop kicked out of you by a 109-year old!)

I’m never helping old people cross the street ever again!

At least, that’s what he did, until a Special Someone entered his bedroom .  . .

In which Stiles and Lydia, once again, remind us why we should shop at Macy’s  . . .

Be still my beating hard, Lydia is in Stiles’ bedroom at night.  And we all remember what happened when Stiles was in Lydia’s bedroom, back in Season 1, don’t we?

*grumbles* I’m not going to mince words here.  This scene was a major cock tease (and female equivalent) for Stiles and Lydia fans.

In fact, when it comes to cock teases, this scene almost rivals that one time we almost got to see Stiles without his shirt on in sheer cock teasiness . . .

I mean, it just had so much potential!  Think about it.  The couple is alone in the bedroom.  They are both feeling emotionally raw and vulnerable . . .  It could have been EPIC.

It wasn’t . . .

Things started off promising enough, with Lydia, the “Beautiful Crier,” beautifully crying as she stares, with puppy dog eyes at Stiles and his oh so sexy Fight Club face wounds . . .

“Come on!  Kiss me, you fool.  This is the stuff fanfictions are made of!”

Except, she’s not crying for Stiles . . .

Remember that time when Jackson asked Lydia for the key to his house back?  But she never got around to actually giving it back to him, because they started making out, and then he TURNED INTO A LIZARD?

Well, Lydia certainly remembers.  And now that Jackson might be dead, she really wants to give him his key.  After all, he’s a Possibly Dead Guy.  And when you are a Possibly Dead Guy, you just never know when your Not-Biological Parents are going to send you invitations to family dinner.  And when you get those invitations, you’re going to need a key . . . because . . . they aren’t going to let you in, once they see how badly you’ve decomposed . . .

“Dead Guys need home cooked meals sometimes too!”

Let’s get back to that key in a minute, because Lydia has suddenly become distracted by the need to be in this week’s obnoxiously obvious Macy’s commercial shiny objects . . . and by shiny objects I mean REALLY BIG MACY’S BAGS (Show the label, MTV!  You have to show the label, like you’ve done for these past two weeks.  Otherwise it doesn’t count!) filled with really small items of jewelry.

“Hi Teen Wolf fans.  Check out my MACY’S bags.  Because I shop at MACY’S.  Yes, MACY’S.  (Nod and smile, or I’ll have to show them to you again.)”

“Ah-ha!”  Stydia fans say!  Now, we will finally learn what was IN THAT BOX . . . You know the one, don’t you?

Yep, that’s the one . . .

Except, we don’t . . .

But we do get to find out what things Stiles ended up not giving Lydia for her birthday, which, included, among other things, a whole lot of jewelry from Macy’s!  Remind them that it’s from MACY’S!, and . . . wait for it . . . a massively large Flatscreen TV . . .

“Hey Lydia, I bought you a TV, so that you can watch Teen Wolf, and learn what an idiot you are for choosing Jackson over Stiles.“

(They must pay single-parent sheriffs really well in Beacon Hills.  Because, last I checked, Stiles doesn’t have a job . . . not even one of the dinky, embarrassingly low-paying ones, most of us end up getting in high school.)

Anyway, call me tremendously naive, because I truly believed that Lydia would be touched enough to kiss Stiles, when she saw all these un-given gifts . . .

But NOOOOOO . . . she just wanted to talk about getting Jackson that DAMN KEY!  I was MAD!

Stiles was mad too, which was why he yelled at her . . . in that sexually tense, “I’m yelling at you, because I’m feeling very emotional right now, and I secretly want to jump your bones” kind of way . . .

“Stop moping about your stupid key, and look at my sexy face wound! NOW!”

Because Stiles hates the idea of Lydia putting Jackson’s life before her own.  He finds it selfish  . . . that’s right, I said selfish, because, by putting his life before her own, Lydia is presenting the rest of the world with the very real possibility of having to cope with her eventual death, just like Papa Stilinski (and, I guess, Scott, if he wasn’t busy doing other things) had to cope with Stiles being kidnapped and drop kicked by a 506-year old man . . .

See, it all comes full circle . . .

Now, me?  If someone was yelling at me like that, all fiery and passionate, and caring and stuff, I totally would have kissed him . . . .

Lydia?  She left . . .

It’s time for Dad to come back to give Stiles another pep talk about being “The Hero,” even though his version of “The Hero” always seems to get beaten up, rejected, ignored in favor of lizardy douchebags, and never gets laid . . .

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Spiderman and Batman would definitely not approve.  But the sentiment was still very nice, Papa Stilinski.  You get an “A” for effort.

Your words also might have ultimately convinced Stiles to do the very selfless and heroic thing he ended up doing toward the end of the episode.  But more on that later . . .

In which Peter goes from Psychotic Murderous Gorilla-Thing Alpha to Derek Hale’s Wisecracking Yoda, in two episodes flat . . .

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Now, I love me some sexy, undead, Peter Hale.  So, I’m not going to complain.  But since when does coming back from the dead, through an elaborate scheme that involves possessing a teenager, drugging a bunch of high school kids, and having your nephew’s unconscious body dragged across town, result in a Complete Personality Transplant?

Are we really supposed to believe that Uncle Peter, who, last season was Mad as Heck and KILLING EVERYONE, really went through all this trouble to come back to life, just so that he can be a Wise Snarky Sidekick for Derek Hale?

After all, our Scooby Gang already has a Velma (Stiles), and a Guy Who Spouts Off Random Expository Mythological Mumbo Jumbo When Necessary (the Vet).  So, what exactly is Peter Hale bringing to the table, this time around (aside from his SASSY, of course ;))?

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No matter.  This week, Peter is helpful, with his surprise hidden laptop, that just so happens to show the real reason Jackson is currently encased in snot.

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Apparently, like a caterpillar turning into a butterfly, Jackson is a Beta Kanaima, turning into an Alpha Kanaima . . .   Also, like a butterfly, he’s going to HAVE WINGS . . .

Peter even found an animation of it, which he isn’t going to show you, because it’s Too Hot for TV . . .

I don’t know, given the fact that Jackson never actually TURNED into an Alpha Kanaima just like no one actually BECAME the kanaima, just because they broke the Rules of the Kanaima, as was hinted a few episodes back, I would have at least liked to have seen the video.  Wouldn’t you?

In which Allison sasses her dad / has Evil!Hair . . .

Allison shares with her dad her best impersonation of THAT gymnast . . .

Speaking of sh*t we didn’t see, we never did find out what was in that letter that made Allison become such an uber b*tch.  At this point in the story, we are led to believe that Allison is well aware of at least a good portion of Gerard’s wacko plans, including his kidnapping / electro-shock therapy of Boyd and Erica, his manipulation of the Kanaima, maybe even his kidnapping Stiles.  And, much like the honey badger, she just “don’t care” . . .

She also doesn’t care for her father trying to talk some sense into her, by kindly explaining that she’s become Grandpa Slave just as much as Kanaima Jackson has . . .

Given the way she’s been treating everyone lately, I’m kind of glad Daddy Dearest broke her stupid crossbow.  B*tch totally deserved it . . .

Chris Argent – He may not be as warm and cuddly as Sheriff Stilinski (but he does drive a faster car) . . .

As the only remaining Argent who hasn’t lost his marbles at this point in the story, Papa Argent earns major points this week for freeing Boyd and Erica, and, ultimately, allying with Team Scooby, to stop Grandpa Crazy Pants and intercept the Kanaima.  He even gave part of the gang a ride to the Warehouse, where Jackson was being held, in his uber-fast Mid Life Crisis Car . . .

Rumble in the Were-House!

It’s the moment we’ve all been waiting for . . . the Battle Royale, in which Lizards, Werewolves and Hunters all assume their true form, and inexplicably kick the crap out of one another to the tune of the show’s theme song, for three glorious minutes, while Peter just kind of hides in the backround, and makes funny faces.

“What, and mess up this hairdo?  Seriously!”

There’s a twist though.  The fight ends with the kanaima GRABBING ALLISON, even though the two were supposedly on the same team.

“Come on!  Don’t you think we make a cute couple?”

That’s right, Werebangers.  It’s that time again . . . for the Big Bad Villain to give his Big Bad Villain Speech, and explain the REAL reason, why he’s been doing all these Big Bad Things, all season long.

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As it turns out, Grandpa Argent didn’t come to town to avenge his daughter’s death at all . . . and he didn’t link to the kanaima to kill Derek.  Truth be told, Grandpa Werewolf Hater . . . he who was so quick to convince Papa Argent to kill his wife, has really been going through all this trouble to . . . wait for it. . . force Scott to force Derek to turn the old man into a WEREWOLF . . .

SCOTT: “Come on, lay one on him!”

DEREK: “But I don’t WANNA!  He’s wrinkly.  Can’t I give Stiles a hickey instead?”

How’s that for a surprise!  You know how Grandpa has been popping those pills all season, well, basically that’s because he’s dying of cancer.  And he won’t be dying of cancer, anymore, if he becomes a werewolf . . . even if that would make him the thing he hates most in this world . . .

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Seemingly trapped, we see Scott force Derek to give the geezer the bite.  The latter raises his teeth-marked arm in triumph . . .

“Huzzah!  I’m bleeding black blood!  HOORAY . . . wait . . . what?”

 . . . and then all that gross black sh*t starts spurting out of every orifice of his body, and I become nauseated for the third time this hour . . .

Now, this is how those Grumpy Old Men movies SHOULD have ended . . .

BUT WHY?  You might be wondering . . .

Because, my friends . . . wait for it . . . SCOTT HAD A PLAN!

This for me is the most surprising twist of the episode, that Scott did something kind of smart for once in his life . . . though, actually, I imagine it was mostly the Vet’s idea.  Of course, Scott at least gets credit for SMELLING Grandpa’s death, just like Isaac smelled it on that cute puppy a few weeks back . . .

Through flashbacks, we learn that Scott and the Vet have secretly been filling Gerard’s cancer pills with .. . wait for it . . .

AHHH!  MY FAVORITE PART OF THE EPISODE.  Come on!  How could you NOT laugh at that?  That’s friggin hilarious.  Here, let’s watch it again . . .

Then Grandpa Crazy Pants drops to the ground in a black bloody mess.  And we THINK he’s dead.  But he’s actually just heading out to play a good ole game of “Hide and Seek.”  See you next season, ya Wackadoodle . . .

In which Lydia and Jackson have their “Yellow Crayon” Moment (and we are annoyed on Stiles’ behalf) . . .

Named after a scene from Buffy the Vampire Slayer in which a temporarily EVIL!Willow, is brought back from the brink, by her pal reminding her of that one time in band camp, when she stuck a flute up her p*ssy that time in kindergarten when she cried over a broken yellow crayon, because crying over broken yellow crayons =’s HUMANITY with a capital “H,” Yellow Crayon Moments are ones where one TV character helps another regain his or her grip on reality through the use of a seemingly useless, but highly symbolic totem . . . you know . . . kind of like Leonardo DiCaprio’s spinning top in Inception except, not like that at all . . .

Off-screen, Stiles must have changed his mind about the whole “Hero” thing, because he ends up bringing Lydia to the warehouse after all.  She gives Jackson his key.

“What, no flat screen TV?  Cheap B*tch!”

The pair then flashback to “better days” . . .  you know, when Lydia and Jackson could bone regularly without fear of Jackson turning green and scaly, or Lydia, screaming like a banshee and running naked around the forest . . .

Apparently, this boning flashback is supposed to symbolize TRUE LOVE . . .

So, Jackson turns human again. HOORAY!

Annnnnd . . . then Derek and Peter stab him from both sides, and, presumably, kill him . . .

“What’s the matter, Jackson?  Are you ticklish?  I bet you are!  *tickle, tickle, tickle*  Oops!  Damn claws!”

Lydia kneels at his side, reminding him that, yes, she still loves his green scaly, serial killing self.  We’ll miss you, Jackson!  Have fun in Heaven . . . except, under the circumstances, that’s probably not where you’re going . . .

Buuuuut, suddenly,  Jackson’s back up again, to the tune of triumphant music.  Now, his ass lit up like the SUN!  It’s GLORIOUS!

“I’m too sexy to be a kanaima . . . too sexy to be a kanaima . . . too sexy to . . . something that rhymes with kanaima (enema?)”

Or, as Glorious as Ex-Kanaima Butt Porn can be . . .

You see, Jackson found his identity, he’s REBORN as a WEREWOLF . . . a BLUE-EYED werewolf, like the Hales, not a GOLD-EYED one like everyone else . . .

“Now, I’m BEAUTIFUL!”

Now, is this because of the whole “rebirth” thing, or does it have something to do with Jackson’s lineage?  Tune in next season to find out . . .

Oh, I almost forgot, Jackson and Lydia are back together again.  And they are PDA-ing all over the place, while Stiles is stuck watching . . .

Seriously, dude just CANNOT catch a break, this week . . .

In which a bunch of other random stuff happens to set us up for next season . . .

I remember, back in the day, watching that third Lord of the Rings movie, and just cracking up, because the damn thing just NEVER EVER ended . . . every time the screen faded to black, I was up and out of my seat like an Olympic sprinter, ready to dash out of the theater and beat the post-3.5 hour movie potty line . . . and every single time, I was rewarded for my patience with YET ANOTHER FINAL SCENE.  There, were like ten of them . . . I may, or may not have ended up peeing in my pants . . .

Why am I telling you this?  Because this was precisely how Jeff Davis chose to end Season 2 of Teen Wolf .  . . that sneaky bastard.  First, we got the scene with Boyd and Erica surrounded by werewolves, doing that butt wiggle thing Derek does so well .  . .

Then, we learn from Peter Hale that those werewolves are actually a PACK OF ALPHA’S (though none of them look like Peter’s Gorilla Alpha . . . weird) out to reclaim their territory.

THEN, Allison breaks up with Scott, and he’s surprisingly chill about the whole thing.  (Oh, P.S. She’s not evil anymore.)

“No worries . . . I’ll just go shopping for a new girlfriend . . . at MACY’S.”

Then, the Vet and the Guidance Counselor have one of their annoyingly cryptic conversations, while clad in this show’s trademark black leather jackets, while dipping their gloved hands in Gerard’s nasty black blood . . .

He’d much rather show you another finger, but this is a family blog  . . .

FINALLY . . . Stiles and Scott . . . um . . . play lacrosse together? No, seriously, that’s actually how it ended. 🙂

And that was “Master Plan” in a nutshell.  And that was our Season.  I wanted to thank all of you guys who shared it with me, whether it was through your kickass comments, or just by reading my inane ramblings, every once in a while (even if you skipped the boring parts :)).  It’s truly been a blast!  See ya next season, Werebangers!

[www.juliekushner.com][Fangirls Forever – Now with Team Stiles and Team Derek tees!]

“A Tale of Two Kanaimas” – A Recap of Teen Wolf’s “Venomous”

Knock, Knock.

Who’s there?

Kanaima.

Kanaima who?

I Kanaimake sense of what Lydia wrote on the board. 

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Oh . . . that’s better.

Howdy, Werebangers!  Five episodes into the season, and we’ve already solved one of Teen Wolf’s biggest mysteries: Who’s the Kanaima? (Hint: It’s not This Guy . . .)

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You know, one of the things I love most about this show . . . well . . . aside from the obvious . . .

. . . is its willingness to challenge TV conventions.  By all estimates, “Venomous” was a high – octane hour of whodunnit-type television that could have easily served as a season finale.  Like many finales, “Venomous” offered action, intrigue, and a mass murder mystery, which resulted in a standoff that pitted nearly every major cast member against one another.  And of course,  it ended by answering a HUGE question that had been plaguing the series since the first episode of this season.

“You mean to tell me I’m that asshat lacrosse-playing douche!  Thanks, a lot!” 

But perhaps the best thing about “Venomous” is that it WASN’T a  finale.  And that is a very good thing . . . because for every question this episode answered for us Teen Wolf fans, it posed about three more.

Let’s review, shall we?

[As always, special thanks to Andre, my own personal screencapping genius, for everything you see here.]

Who’s the dumbbell, now?

The episode begins with a very (sexually?) frustrated Jackson struggling under the weight of a seemingly puny barbbell.

“Come on, Jackson.  You can do it!  Lift that five-pound weight!”

This, understandably confuses Jackson, who, just a day or so ago, had been able to lift up a car with his bare hands.

It’s just another one of those things that sets Jackson apart from his wolfy companions, who, even in human form, can exhibit bouts of superhuman strength, pretty much, anytime.  Jackson’s “strength” on the other hand, only seems to come out at night, and is sporadic, even then.

When Danny grows bored with his wimpy cranky friend, he exits stage left.  (Can you blame him?)  This gives Derek’s lame-o wolfpack members, Tweedledee and Tweedle dumb boobs, an opening to perform their kidnapping of the Lacrosse Co-Captain, who they obediently cart off to their maker.

“I don’t want to join your Mickey Mouse Wolf Club, OK?  So stop asking.”

“Are you sure?  All members get a free t-shirt!” 

Suspecting Jackson (the pack member that never was) of being the Kanaima, Derek feeds him a drop of venom that he somehow collected from the poolhouse.

“Open wide for the choo-choo train!”

“Good boy.  Now, play dead.” 

Derek’s (WRONG!) theory is that, if Jackson is immune to the venom, he must be the Kanaima.  Unfortunately for Derek, Jackson is not-so-much immune, and spazzes out on the floor, before becoming completely immobile.  Oops!  I guess that means it’s back to the drawing board for our good pal, Derek.

Wolfy Isaac, who’s kind of been put to waste as a character, having been given little to do on the show, aside from make weird faces . . . and repeatedly get his ass kicked . . .

 . . . however, is not quite through with Jackson.  There’s still the little matter of the latter recanting his story to the cops about seeing Isaac and his father fighting on the night of his father’s Kanaima-inspired murder.  Conveniently enough, this little favor allows newly free man Isaac to return to school, so that he can do Derek’s bidding out in the open.  How nice for him!

“It’s a Matching Leather Jacket Party, and you’re not invited!”

Someone help Lydia . . . please

Also at school, Lydia is still suffering from waking Alpha nightmares.  This most recent one, involves the Alpha scribbling strange circular messages for her on a chalk board, while all her classmates look at her, like she’s nuts.

“It’s funny how in Lydia’s daydreams I’m really good at math.  Because, in real life, I didn’t even know how to read.” 

“Awk-warrddd!” 

Unfortunately, for Lydia, it turns out that last part isn’t exactly a dream.  She returns to real time to find that she’s written “Someone help me” backwards across the chalkboard instead of the math equation she was SUPPOSED to solve.  Hey Lydia, it could be worse.  You could be naked . . . like last time.

Things become crystal clear (Maybe .  . .)

In chemistry class, Derek’s pack (except for Boyd, who always seems to get a pass from these lame Wolfy Games) torments Scott, Allison and Stiles, while keeping an eye on Lydia,  who has now become their top Kanaima suspect.

For about the 18,000th time this season, Erica aggressively throws herself at Scott . .  .

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. . .  and totally “Regina George’s” her nemesis, Allison.

Poor naive, Erica.

I have a book you might find interesting .  . .

Speaking of rejection, it seems poor Isaac has a little angry hard-on for our friend Lydia, ever since the latter rejected in middle school, and made him cry.

“You wouldn’t reject me, would you, Stiles?”

Lydia’s protector and perpetual unlikely hero, Spiderman Stiles has something to say about that . . .

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Sadly though, no amount of words can protect Lydia from a lying-in-wait Derek, when she unwittingly ingests venom, during chemistry class, and experiences none of its paralyzing side effects.

“Gnom-nom-nom.  Mmm . . . venom cystal.  Yummy!” 

“Grrrrr.” 

Uh oh, Scooby Gang!  It’s time for Plan B!

Operation: Save the Butterfly

During her shrink session, Lydia stubbornly tells Dead Maya from Pretty Little Liars / Dead Emily from The Vampire Diaries that every inkblot picture in her Rorschach Test looks like a butterfly, even the one that OBVIOUSLY was made to resemble a wolf, and the one that sort of/kind of resembles her recently deceased Alpha “boyfriend.”

“Butterflies are pretty.” 

“That one might still be a caterpillar.” 

Meanwhile, in a surprise move,Jackson joins forces with, as he calls them “Testicle One” and Testicle Two” (How fitting!) . . .

“Believe it or not, you two actually do vaguely resemble my testicles.”

 . . . to protect Lydia from the Wrath of Derek, which he was unlucky enough to recently experience for himself.  Of course, Jackson still has his own selfish motives in mind.  He’s still using Creepy Photographer Guy and Danny to uncover the lost footage on his sleepytime not-so-sex tape, which he suspects Lydia might have “edited” for him.  After all, she DOES have a key . .  .  (How else could she regularly sneak into his house and watch The Notebook?)

As far as plans go, Scott’s plan to save Lydia from Derek and Co. is surprisingly well thought out, despite the fact that Scott, while a nice guy, has always been a bit of a mental midget.  The first part of the plan involves attempting to prove to Derek that Lydia ISN’T actually the Kanaima, before school lets out.  It is randomly determined that shrinkypoo reads Latin.  So, Allison goes to her, in an attempt to translate the Bestiary page on Kanaimas.

How come the kanaima in this book, looks like the werewolf in last season’s book? 

Now, this seems like a throwaway scene, but it’s actually important.  Shrinkypoo notes that, while wolves seek pack affiliation, Kanaimas are always on the hunt for a single “friend,” to make them feel less lonely.  And thus, the theory of the two Kanaimas is born .  . .

Elsewhere Derek tries (and fails) to talk Derek out of wanting to kill Lydia.  Why?  You ask.  Well, for one thing, Scott really has no way of proving that Lydia isn’t actually the Kanaima.  For another . . . ummm . . . Derek just REALLY seems to like killing people  .  . .

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Scott’s theory, like the one Jackson, himself, had earlier, is that Lydia is somehow immune to wolf bites, and passed that immunity on to Jackson.

Cocky Derek doesn’t like the idea of ANYONE being immune to his sexy saliva.  Derek has a different theory, and here it is: some people who are bit by werewolves, become OTHER TYPES OF SHAPESHIFTERS, that better reflect their personality.  You know, like Isaac becomes a wolf with no eyebrows.  Erica becomes a wolf that isn’t really a wolf, but still has pointy teeth.  And “Lydia” becomes a rather masculine looking snake . . . because she’s a b*tch.

Interesting theory, Derek . . . it would kind of fly in the face of traditional werewolf lore, though . . .

When Phase One of the plan fails, it’s time for Phase Two: bring Lydia to Scott’s house (his mom’s never home,  anyway), and hide the accused lizard there .  . . without telling her why, of course.

An eye-opening discovery

While the rest of the Scooby Gang (even Jackson) whisk Lydia away, Scott gets accosted by Coach Crackpot for “not protecting Danny’s equipment.”  Coach Crackpot thinks that Scott should protect Danny’s equipment all the time.  Unfortunately, for some of you, I’m not actually talking about Danny’s weiner.  I’m talking about his actually equipment . . . as in “lacrosse uniform,” which was ripped clean in half, following the last game.

“That’s hot.” 

So, is DANNY the Kanaima, due to his miraculous fabric-ripping skills.  Apparently, not.  When Scott confronts Danny in the library, we learn that HE had lent his uniform to none other than Jackson, during the game, while he played the position of goalie.  Hmm . . .

Speaking of Danny, it seems everyone’s favorite Teen Wolf gay has developed a bit of a crush on Creepy Photographer Guy, who plays for his team (lacrosse), but may or may not play for his “TEAM,” if you catch my drift . . .

Together, the two manage to restore the lost footage from Jackson’s camera.  And it is . . . as I hinted before rather “eye opening.”

“Wazzzzzzup!” 

Of course, we still don’t know who edited the tape in the first place.  Though these two (Danny and Creepy) clearly have the werewithal to do it themselves . . .

Oh, P.S. Creepy Photographer guy just figured out that whole, “Scott can’t take pictures anymore, because he’s a werewolf” thing.  BUSTED!

Erica gets OWNED . . .

In one of my favorite moments in the episode, Stiles adorably barricades Scott’s house to protect Lydia from Derek’s pack, while the Scooby Gang waits for Scott to return home.

 However, try as they might, it doesn’t take long for Tweedledee and Tweedledumbboobs to enter the house.    (Again, how come Boyd never has to do the dirty work?  Is he too cool for this?)

Anywhoo, Wolfy Erica, who’s sole new personality trait seems to be “Slutty B*tch” takes this opportunity, once again to threaten Allison with stealing Scott from her, despite the fact that Scott seems like he’d probably prefer to make out with Derek or Stiles . . . or anyone else in the cast really, over Erica.  Earlier Erica teased that she was “a little bit psychic,” and that’s why she knew that Sallison wasn’t really going to work out.

But her psychic powers seem to have a bit of a blind spot.  Because she definitely didn’t count on Allison shooting her with a venom coated bow and arrow.  (Where did these guys get all this extra venom from?)

Within minutes, Erica is down for the count.

“This is the part where I have my way with you.”

 Now that’s some powerful venom!  Just a little bit on the fingers (or in the mouth . . . like Jackson), and wolves are apparently paralyzed from the neck down . . . which confuses me, because I thought the Kanaima needed to scratch the victim’s spinal column, in order to get that result (as he did with Hot Black Argent, Douchey Grease Monkey, and Derek).

After all, wasn’t Stiles still able to call 911, after HE touched the evil venom?

Anywhoo, you can imagine Derek’s frustration when Tweedledee and Tweedledumbbumbs, both incapacitated by Kanaima venom are haphazardly tossed out of Scott’s house, like yesterday’s trash . . .

“It’s naptime . . . again.” 

At some point, during all this, Scott finally arrives back home for the showdown we’ve all been waiting for . . .

The key to the Mystery

Meanwhile,  Jackson takes Lydia into Scott’s room to confront her about having the key to his house / possibly editing his Werewolf Porn video, while he slept.  Lydia denies having the key, or any knowledge of said video.  But Jackson’s newfound “powers” seem to enable him to sense that she’s lying, simply by staring at her boobs.  Impressive!

This, of course leads to the two of them making out, which is surprisingly hot . . . possibly because this is the first time I’ve seen Jackson show ANY emotion apart from “whiny and generally pissed off.”  I honestly didn’t know he had it in him  . . .

“Has anyone ever told you, your tongue is a little lizardy?” 

While the pair is making out, Jackson gets a bit of a rash .  . . a rash that looks suspiciously like Lizard Scales . . . Ruh roh!

“Remind me to stop rolling around naked in the poison ivy.” 

 I smell KANAIMA!

Alpha to Alpha, and Kanaima to Kanaima

In the final scene of the episode, Derek hits on Scott, by telling him that he is the Alpha to his own pack (referring, I guess, to Allison, Stiles, Lydia and Jackson).  Too bad flattery is useless on Scott, who just looks confused.

“Hot guy say WHAT?” 

 Then again, maybe that’s because there’s a Lizard Thingy on the roof of his house . . .

“Hey guys!  Miss me?” 

Seconds later, Lydia pops out, wondering why she wasn’t invited to this party, thereby proving once and for all, that she’s not the Kanaima.

“It’s Jackson,” mutters Captain Obvious Scott, just in case some of the fans of the show are particularly slow.

But wait!  You say!  Jackson was paralyzed by the Kanaima venom Derek took from the pool last week. And Jackson is a good swimmer, whereas THAT Kanaima fears water.

This, of course, brings me back to the “Two Kanaimas” theory.  A theory that seems all but confirmed in the final scene, in which Kanaima Jackson sidles up to a car, in which he seems to find the “friend” he’s been looking for, all along.

“Yo!  What up, dog!  Give me some skin!” 

But who’s the friend?  All we know about him so far, is that he has an Eisenstein bumper sticker, and wears black gloves.  Is it the Nerdy Chemistry Teacher, who hates Stiles, and loves quoting Einstein?

Is it the Kid Outside the Shrink’s office, who complimented Lydia’s pink gloves?  Is it Shrinkypoo, who knew the Kanaima needed a friend?  Or is it Creepy Photographer Guy, who seems the most likely editor of Jackson’s Wolf Porn video?

It looks like we may have to wait until next week to find out.

Source 

See you then, Werebangers!

[www.juliekushner.com][Fangirls Forever]

BITE ME, UNCLE ALPHA! – A Recap of Teen Wolf’s Season Finale Part II “Code Breaker”

Derek Hale, you just purchased a brand new pair of red-colored contacts became the new Alpha.  What are you going to do now?

DEREK: “I’m going to have crazy, mindblowing, sex with a TV Recapper!” 

Greetings Werebangers!  Well, the finale of Teen Wolf has come and gone.  And the world, as we know it, will never be the same.  We’ve seen things we can’t unsee: people with their throats ripped out; corpses tucked in the trunks of cars; skin irreparably burned by twin Molotov Cocktails; a body spewing blood across a hospital bed, like a geyser . . .

 . . . and, the most shocking image of all . . . DEREK HALE SMILING!

So, reload that crossbow, toss me a Molotov, and show me your teeth, because it’s time for the FINAL Teen Wolf Recap of the Year . . .

Man, I’m going to miss using this GIF!

(As always, special thanks to the spectacularly brilliant and talented screencapper Andre, for the images you see here.  Were it not for all his help, this season, these recaps would probably be filled with nothing more than my LAME words, and a few random promotional stills that I nabbed off  MTV.com. 🙂 )

“So . . . ummmmm, Allison.  About my New Face . . .”

“You like?”

When we last left those two crazy kids, Allison and Scott, they were contemplating a little quickie in the old school bus .  . .

 . . . until, of course,  that mean ole’ cock block, Papa Argent came, and TRIED TO RUN SCOTT OVER WITH HIS CAR . . .

 Damn you, Papa Argent!  It’s YOUR fault that this show is only rated “T” for teen!

Once Scott realizes what has happened, he runs off to LITERALLY go howl in the woods .  . .

OK, Scott.  I know your “devastated,” and all.  But is it really necessary to go rolling around in dirt, in your WHITE DRESS SHIRT?  What is this . . . the beginning of a Tide detergent commercial?

Having been effectively neutered by his girlfriend’s dad, Scott goes to the vet’s office, so he can “sort out his feelings” along with the other K-9’s .  . .

*sniffle, sniffle*  “I wish I could just roll over, and play dead.” 

As for Allison, she’s more in shock than anything else.  Wouldn’t you be, if you found out you were screwing a dog?

AWKWARD!

 Papa Argent hugs his frightened daughter to his chest, and drives her home.  Given the state she’s in, he will probably have to wait until tomorrow to get her a rabies shot.

Meanwhile, out on the football field . . .

Road Trippin’ with Uncle Alpha

Stiles is freaking out now, huddled, as he is, over a definitely unconscious Lydia’s limp body.

“Uhh . . . Lydia?  I really hope you don’t let this reflect poorly on your opinion of our first date.”

But Uncle Alpha doesn’t seem all that concerned.  He has bigger fish to fry than prospectively dead redheads.  He wants to find Derek Hale, and he needs Stiles to help him do it.  “Why don’t you just kill me, already?” Stiles shouts.

Oh, come on, Stiles!  Let’s not be so overdramatic!  I mean, Lydia’s a nice girl and all (Well . . . not really).  But she’s not technically your girlfriend yet, is she?  So, there’s really no need to go all Romeo and Juliet on us, now.  Is there?

After Uncle Alpha assures Stiles that he doesn’t want to immediately kill him, Stiles reluctantly agrees to help him find Derek.  However, being the chivalrous gentleman he is, Stiles absolutely refuses to leave Lydia three-quarters dead, in the middle of the football field.  (What a guy!)  So, Uncle Alpha, ever the resourceful Super Villain, suggests that Stiles call Jackson, and tell him where he could go to pick up his ex-girlfriend, and possibly ex-human.

“Lord, when I asked you for a ready and waiting woman, to fall into my arms, this wasn’t exactly what I had in mind.” 

Chilling out in Stiles’ jeep together, en route to Uncle Alpha’s car (which is located in the parking lot of the mall / grocery store) “sensitive” Uncle Alpha tells Stiles not to worry about Lydia, since there’s a good chance she could come back to life, as a big hairy werewolf.  What a refreshing thought, Uncle Alpha!  Stiles, of course notes that this would also mean that Lydia will start sprouting hair in weird, unattractive places, undoubtedly causing Stiles to cough up many a hairball, if and when he sleeps with her will eventually lose control, and try to EAT STILES, at some point, all because she’s having a bad day.

Yeah . . . that wasn’t what I meant. 

Uncle Alpha can’t really argue with that assessment, so he starts humming to the tunes on the radio, instead . . .

“My mouth is alive, with juices like wine.  And I’m Hungry Like the Wolffffff.” 

Over in the parking lot, Uncle Alpha lets Stiles get a peek underneath his hood . . . oops, I mean, in the trunk of his car . . . which is actually the red-headed nurse’s car.  “But  . .  . she’s dead,” exclaims Captain Obvious Stiles, in horror.

Check out the hand.  It looks kind of wolfy to me.  I guess “getting the bite” doesn’t necessarily promise a long life, now, does it? 

“I got better,” remarks Uncle Alpha emotionlessly.  (Haha!  I like THIS GUY!  He’s funny!)

From the stinky corpse-filled trunk, Uncle Alpha extracts a iMac laptop, causing Stiles to wonder whether ALL werewolves are MAC people.   (Gee, I wonder how much Apple paid for THAT little advertisement?)

Buy iMac . . . for all your wolfy, human flesh-eating needs. 

Now, all they have to do, is type Scott’s iPhone username and password into the computer, and they can figure out where Derek (who has been hanging on to the phone for precisely this purpose), is being held captive.  After making a few growled threats, and promising to keep Scott safe, Uncle Alpha eventually gets Stiles to admit that he knows both Scott’s username AND password by heart.

Stiles types both in, and Uncle Alpha hilariously rolls his eyes.  “His username is ‘Allison.’  And his password is also ‘Allison‘?”  He snorts derisively.

“Apparently, I’ve just let the human equivalent of a tampon into my wolf pack.”

(OK, so, I immediately guessed Scott’s password.  He’s not particularly intelligent, or creative, after all.  But that username threw me.  I mean, what kind of guy chooses “Allison” for their username?  The kind of guy who gets weepy, while watching The Notebook, that’s who!)

“Are you sure you still want him in your pack?”  Stiles quips.

Uncle Alpha doesn’t look sure at all.  In fact, he’s probably wishing he took Stiles, instead, or Stiles’ dad, or THIS GUY . . .

 . . . anybody aside from Schmoopy Scott and his oh-so-creative cell phone passwords!

Within moments, Derek Sexy Pants’ location is revealed.  Apparently, Auntie Kate has been keeping him in a dungeon, underneath the guy’s OWN HOUSE, this WHOLE TIME.

Source

I suspect the warehouse was used back in the day, by the family, to prevent themselves from eating their neighbors, during the Full Moon.  (How thoughtful!)

Having gotten what he wanted out of Stiles, Uncle Alpha takes the keys to the poor kid’s jeep and smashes them in his hands, so he can’t follow him. He then prepares to strand the poor guy in the parking lot.

Wait . . . how did he get them all to bend in different directions?  That’s pretty impressive! 

“Oh, so your not going to kill me?”  Stiles asks, seeming slightly disappointed, if you ask me.

Uncle Alpha, honestly, seems hurt by the notion that he would kill the most popular character on this show. “When are you going to realize that I’m not the bad guy here?”

“You turn into a giant monster, with red eyes and fangs, and YOU’RE not the bad guy?”  Stiles quips.  (LOVE HIM!)

“I’m just misunderstood.” 

Though clearly played up for humor, this conversation actually brings up a good point about Uncle Alpha.  I mean, of course, he’s the Bad Guy!  How could a guy morph into something that looks that hideous and not be? And yet, Uncle Alpha is far from the one-note maniac with his heart set on World Domination that we so often see on these types of shows.

Much like the Argents (well, at least Papa Argent . . . there’s no accounting for Auntie Kate the Psychotic Werewolf Slayer), Uncle Alpha has a code to live by, and that code is Vengeance.  All his actions throughout the season were geared toward attaining that goal.  And while this doesn’t make his actions justifiable, it certainly gives him a valid, and somewhat relateable, motive for his crimes.

So, while WE view Uncle Alpha as a Bad Guy for what he did to Laura Hale . . .

 You just don’t come back from something like this . . .

. . . and what he’s TRYING to do to Derek, Scott, and his friends, as viewers, we can definitely see why Uncle Alpha HIMSELF doesn’t see himself as a Bad Guy, but more as a victim, of sorts, turned renegade anti-hero.

In fact, to prove he’s “not a Bad Guy,” Uncle Alpha offers to repay Stiles for  all his heart work and support, by BITING HIS ARM OFF!

 “Does anybody have any butter?”

That’s right, boys and girls!  Realizing that one of his packmembers is this uber sappy emo kid, who’s unhealthily obsessed with his girlfriend, Uncle Alpha has decided that it might not be such a bad idea to do a little additional pack recruiting.  And he wants Stiles on his man-eating team.

Just as Derek did with Scott, during the Pilot episode, Uncle Alpha begins to sell Stiles on the joys of being a werewolf.  Believe it or not, the “DO YOU WANT THE BITE?” scene was by far my favorite of the episode, and, considering this episode contained within it a heaping helping of Shirtless Derek, that’s saying A LOT!

“Whatchu talkin’ about, Recapper?” 

“You know, I bit Scott that night, because I needed a pack, but it could just as easily have been you . . . ” Uncle Alpha begins.  (Well, that’s a new piece of information!)  “If it doesn’t kill you, which it might . . . you will become like us . . .  no more standing on the sidelines watching Scott grow stronger, and more popular . .  . watching him get the girl.  You two will be equals . . . maybe you’ll even more than that.”

This naughty little puppy is about to get a spanking. 

One of the things that makes Uncle Alpha such an intriguing character, is that he is capable of SO much empathy, especially for a villain.  (A quality which the female Auntie Kate, ironically seems to almost completely lack.)  The reason why Uncle Alpha is so great at manipulating the other characters on this show, is that he has such a deep understanding of them.

He knows that Derek is primarily driven by his guilt over the pain of losing his family.  He KNOWS that Scott would pretty much sell out his own mother to protect Allison.  And he knows that Stiles, while being predominately driven by loyalty toward his friends, also deep down, must be feeling some resentment toward being forced to the sidelines, as the less intelligent, and less generous Scott is given the opportunity to shine with his newfound abilities, and new hot girlfriend.

Source

You gotta admit, for a socially awkward high school kid, who’s best friend is already a werewolf, accepting Uncle Alpha’s offer sounds like a pretty good idea, don’t you think?  (Just ask Jackson.)

“Please bite me in the ass.  I’ll be your best friend!” 

Stiles doesn’t say anything at first.  He just sort of stands their gawking at Uncle Alpha, like he wants to make out with him, or something.  Not one to stand on ceremony, Uncle Alpha grabs Stiles’ arm, and slowly lifts it toward his mouth.  But Stiles snatches it back at the last second.  “I don’t want to be like you,” Stiles hisses.

(I know it’s random, but I just couldn’t resist.)

Uncle Alpha doesn’t believe Stiles, because apparently his heart was beating faster, when he said the words, “I don’t want,” thereby signifying a lie.

I guess lie detection is another cool party trick werewolves can do!  I don’t know, Stiles.  It sounds like you are missing out.

Having had his “gift” denied, Uncle Alpha bids Stiles adieu, and heads off in Stiles’ jeep toward La Casa de Old and Decrepit, a.k.a. Derk Hales House . . .

Don’t Mess with Mama Argent!

Back at the Walmart of Guns, Papa Argent is reading Auntie Kate the riot act, for letting the cat out of the bag to Allison about the whole “werewolves exist, and we kill them” thing.  (So,  I guess this means Papa Argent didn’t expose Scott as a werewolf to Allison, on purpose?)

He’s beginning to question Auntie Kate’s real reasons behind returning to town, and whether she’s adhering to the code, considering she seemed so willing to put a teenager like Scott’s life at risk, even though he’s never spilled any blood, while in wolf form.  (Well . . . except maybe Danny’s.)

How soon we forget! 

You can tell that Papa Argent is already starting to piece things together, when he notes that Uncle Alpha only seems to be killing those individuals with some connection to the Hale fire.  “Well, everyone always blamed us for that,” Kate argues.  (UHH HUH!  With good reason!  Because YOU did it, B*tch!)

Why do I get this weird incestual vibe, everytime I watch these two interact on screen with one another?

Ultimately, Papa Argent punishes Auntie Kate for her insubordination, by benching her from the Game of Kill Alpha, and forcing her to take Allison out of town to ensure that she is safe from any possible retaliatory Alpha acts that might be made against her person, within the next couple of days.  Auntie Kate reluctantly agrees, but she does so with a mishievous gleam in her eyes, that seems to suggest that she has other plans for her and Allison, ones that involve a bit less road tripping, and a bit more ass-kicking . . .

I would wipe that smirk off your face, if I were you.  In about 15 minutes, you aren’t going to have a throat . . . or a working neck, for that matter.

Upstairs in Allison’s room, her mom is helping her to pack for her little “Please don’t kill me, Mean Werewolf,” excursion.

We’ve really only met mom once or twice this season.  But we already know she’s a total WACKJOB, one that makes Auntie Kate look like a pussycat by comparison.  (Who would have thought that scary Papa Argent, would end up being the most docile and relatable adult in this family?)

“Who you callin’ DOCILE?” 

In addition to her severe haircut, and super frightening alien eyes, Allison’s mom is like a cross between a Stepford Wife, Mommy Dearest, the Wicked Queen in Snow White, and a rabid pitbull.  During her scene with Allison she alternates from faux smiling and discussing the weather up north, and what Allison should wear, to screaming at her to keep quiet about all the family secret’s she’s recently learned.  Mommy Dearest, indeed . . .

Gross Anatomy (No, really . . . that sh*t’s nasty.)

Just as Uncle Alpha had envisioned, Jackson retrieves Lifeless Lydia from the football field, and carries her back to school to get some help.  She is promptly brought to the hospital where, according to the doctors, she seems to be having an allergic reaction of sorts to the bite she received.

“Don’t I look all pretty and angelic, in my hospital bed?”

Outside in the waiting area, Deputy Daddy gives Jackson a good ole’ TVD style wall slam, demanding to know exactly what happened to this teen, who was suppposedly Jackson’s girlfriend.

Source

I suspect Jackson has a pretty good idea of precisely what happened to Lydia.  But, of course, he passes the buck, telling Deputy Daddy that maybe he should ask HIS SON, since HE was Lydia’s actual date to the dance, not Jackson.

Now it’s Deputy Daddy’s turn to be near tears.  “Somebody better find my song,” he whispers frantically, before finally letting Stiles go.

Entering the hospital with a creepy detached look in her eye is Allison, who’s walking through the hospital halls, like she’s a dude with a hard-on.

 I didn’t know there were zombies on this show . . .

She immediately finds Lydia’s bed.  And when she places her hand on the glass, Allison envisions Lydia, seizing violently, and shooting blood all across the room.

That was neat, Allison!  I want to learn to do that!

Of course, when she removes her hand, Lydia goes back to normal, her bed just as white and pristine, as when the bedsheets were first washed.  But hey, just because it was a hallucination on Allison’s part, didn’t make it any less nasty.

When Allison returns to the car, “supportive” Auntie Kate is right there waiting to give her a little snide, “I told you so.”

Why does this picture remind me of a poster for the direct-to-video sequel of Thelma and Louise?

According to Auntie Kate, this is what ALL werewolves do.  “They just can’t help themselves . . . yes, even Scott.”

Oh, Auntie Kate, you Shameless Murderer of Young Love, you!

“DIE, ROMANCE, DIE!” 

When Stiles finally arrives at the hospital, his father is clearly relieved to see him alive.  But still . . . he has some SERIOUS explaining to do, about the whole, “leave your date in the middle of a field to die, after she was bit by  . . . SOMETHING” thing.  Nevertheless, Deputy Daddy has some important information to share with Stiles.  Specifically, he tells him that the person who orchestrated the Hale fire was a woman, currently in her late 20’s wearing a very distinct necklace.

And that’s how Stiles FINALLY fingered Kate .  . .

. . .  wait . . . that didn’t come out right.

Of course, now that Stiles has returned, everyone seems to be looking for Scott.  Deputy Daddy inquires as to his wereabouts, but both Stiles and Jackson remain mum.  However, when Papa ARGENT, asks the same question, Jackson, who I will hereinafter refer to as the Little Weiner tha Couldn’t, or Little Weiner for short, cracks under the pressure.  (SURPRISE!)

It’s time for more idle threats and wall slams!  Yay!

“Pucker up, cutie pie!”

Papa Argent takes this captive audience opportunity to tell Stiles his furry little bedtime story, about the time he had to shoot his rabid werewolf, former best friend in the head.  Stiles snarks that Papa should use better judgment selecting friends.  Papa fires back, by forcing Stiles to recall the time he was forced to chain Scott to the radiator, during the whole Bad Scott Full Moon episode.

“Memories . . . like the corners of my mind.  Misty water colored memmoriesssss, of the way we werreeee.” 

In response, Stiles FINALLY lets Papa in on what we’ve known all along, that Auntie Kate was the one who broke the Hunter Bro Code to burn down the Hale House, all those years ago.

Annnnd the plot thickens . . .

Once Papa Argent is done man-handling the kiddies, Stiles and Jackson decide to head off in Stiles’ Porsche to go find Scott themselves, since they are both pretty sure, under the circumstances, that he is hanging out at La Casa de Old and Decrepit with Wolfman Derek.

Scott McCall to the Rescue (I guess there’s a first time for everything!)

We return to the dungeons to find Sexy Wolfman Derek still shirtless . . .

*sigh*

 . . . and still being beaten by the Argent Enforcer, Mr. Clean .  . . this time, with a bat.

I’ve never been so jealous of a bat before in my life .  . . 

Scott finds Derek by howling at the moon.

(Because that’s not cheesy at all.) 

By the time Scott arrives, Derek has managed to remove enough of his chains to knock out the enforcer.  Derek is pretty happy to see his fellow pack member.

“So, this one time . . . at band camp . . .” 

But the pair seem to be at a bit of a standstill.  You see, Derek wants Scott to help him out of his last restaints, but Scott wants Derek to promise to help Scott rescue Allison first.  Having had his own  . . . negative experiences with Argents during his teen years . . .

 . . .  Derek wants Scott to buck up and behave like a wolf.  “You are 16-years old . . . you are not in love.  You are a CHILD,” Derek growls, even though he can’t really be more than five years older than the “child,” himself.

But then Scott conveniently shows Derek the paper indicating that the Alpha, with the nurse’s help had lured Laura Hale into town to kill her, so that he could become the Alpha.  And suddenly a vengeful Derek is right back on the “Help Scott, Save Allison, Kill Alpha Team.”  He breaks out of the restraints himself, and the two betas make a run for it . . .

Nice Knowing Ya, Auntie Kate (Well . . . not really . . . but, you know .  . .)

Derek and Scott are running around La Casa de Old and Decrepit, when Derek suddenly has the strangest feeling that they are being stalked.  Scott suddenly decides to get all META, and tell Derek that by SAYING seems to easy, he’s pretty much GUARANTEEING that bad sh*t will go down.

“NOW, you tell me!” 

Cue the entrance of Allison and Kate, and their weird weapons arsenal.  Using her archery bow, Allison expertly hits Derek with two silver tipped arrows at Kate’s command.

“WOAH!  How did THAT get there?” 

She then blows up a tree near Scott to blind and incapacitate him.

Cue the Bad Ass Female Music, as the two women walk in slow mo toward their prey.  A whiny squinty Scott continues to proclaim to an angry Allison that despite pretty much lying to her for 11 episodes straight, he really does love her, and has only been trying to protect her this entire time.  Kate interrupts this sweet heartfelt moment to tell Allison that it’s time to kill the Betas.  Naive Allison is SHOCKED at this suggestion.  “I thought you just wanted to catch them,” she exclaims.

Really Allison?  Have you met Kate the WEREWOLF SLAYER?  Have you been watching the same show we have?  Then Kate shoots Derek in the stomach WITH A GUN to prove she’s serious . . .

Then, before Allison can scream “SCOOOOOOOOOT,” she pushes her own niece out of the way, and prepares to put a bullet in our heroes brain.

It’s PAPA ARGENT to the rescue?  He reminds Kate that shooting teens is not acceptable.  She has gone against the code for the last time.  “Put the gun down, or I will put you down,” he threatens, holding a gun in his sister’s face.

(Now don’t you wish you could put THAT sentiment on a Hallmark card for  YOUR sister’s birthday?)

This little Fun Family Moment, is interrupted by the ominous opening of the door to La Casa de Old and Decrepit.  Scott’s eyes begin to glow.  “It’s the Alpha,” he snarls.

Suddenly, the Alpha is circling the Argents at top speed, knocking them to the ground, one by one.  It’s pretty darn hilarious, I have to say, particularly when he does it to Allison.  (Yes, I’m a total b*tch, I know.)  Saving the best for last, he grabs Auntie Kate, and breaks her arm, causing her to drop her only weapon.   He then throws her into the Hale House.

Oh, it’s ON!

Allison runs into the house, frantic to save her Aunt, who the Alpha now has by the neck.

Cutest Couple EVER! 

For the first time, Auntie Kate looks scared, and vulnerable.  She’s no dummy, and knows the end is near for her.  Uncle Alpha remarks that Allison and Kate look a lot alike, only Allison is less damaged.  (Something tells me, she won’t be “less damaged” for much longer, after witnessing this!)  Uncle Alpha then tearfully asks Kate to apologize for killing his entire family.  Kate rasps out a sorry.  But Uncle Alpha breaks her neck, and rips out her throat, anyway, as Allison looks on in horror.

Sayonara SUCKA! 

“I don’t know about you, but that apology didn’t sound very sincere to me,” Uncle Alpha snarls.  (You have to admit, he has a point.)

Then the Alpha lunges for Allison.  But ta-da!  It’s a wolfy Scott and Derek to the rescue.  Scott growls for Allison to run.  It’s GO TIME!

Werewolf Showdown (Cue the bad CGI Graphics!)

As Uncle Alpha’s face gets all stretchy, weird and Alpha like . . .

 This gives the term facelift a whole new meaning . . .

However, Scott and Derek dominate the human transformer, by kicking him, punching him, and doing back flips and karate chops on him. But when Uncle Alpha morphs into his full Alpha mode.  All bets are off, and the playing field is no longer even.  Uncle Alpha then easily incapacitates Derek for like the 80th time this episode, and stalks out toward the humans, who are waiting for him outside

UH OH!

Rock on, Scooby Gang!

Stiles and Jackson arrive on the scene, just as Uncle Alpha is running through the door.

Though I’m not sure when they had time to make them, each is carrying a Molotov Cocktail.  Stiles throws his first.  And, in an echo to the “Night School” episode, the Alpha catches it . . .

Chug a Lug, Alpha! 

 . . . except THAT time the Cocktail was made wrong.  This time, it was made CORRECTLY.  Thinking fast, Scott throws Allison her crossbow, and she shoots an arrow through the Cocktail, causing it and Uncle Alpha to burst into flames.

“Stop, drop and ROLL, Alpha!” 

Jackson then throws HIS Molotov Cocktail to fuel the fire, and Scott needlessly . . . but I guess the writers needed him to do SOMETHING finishes Uncle Alpha off, by kicking him into a nearby tree (Honestly, I’m not sure how he managed to not get burned doing that, but OK.)

“I’m MEEEEEELLLLTIIIING!” 

The Alpha falls to the ground, looking pretty darn dead.  But shockingly he’s not.  Cue Derek’s triumphant exit from La Casa de Rich and Decrepit.  He walks toward the prone Alpha like a man on a mission.

Scott warns Derek, that if HE kills the Alpha, Scott’s final chance at a cure for his werewolfism is pretty much shot.  But Derek isn’t exactly in the mood to listen to reason.  He leans over the Alpha, with vengeance in his eyes.  “You’ve already made your decision,” rasps the dying, groteque-looking Uncle Alpha.  “I can smell it on you,” he concludes, his eyes glowing red for the last time.

And the Derek does it. Using his nails, he takes a big swipe out of Uncle Alpha’s neck, ripping his throat out, just as the Alpha had done to Auntie Kate, moments ago.

His eyes immediately glow red, and his voice starts to get that creepy echo to it.  “I’m the Alpha now,” he says triumphantly.

YEAH, YOU ARE!

Amidst all this (Because seeing people with their throats ripped out is SUCH a turn on!), Allison crawls over to Scott, and starts making out with his wolf face.  The effect of Allison’s saliva, de-wolf’s Scott. “What did you do that for?”  He inquires.

“Because I love you and I really don’t give a sh*t that my favorite Aunt just died, or that I killed someone, and will, therefore, probably be traumatized for the rest of my life,” Allison replies.

Allison, you DOG F*CKER, YOU! 

Cue the schmoopy music.  OK, I’m officially gagging now . . .

Lydia’s a WHAT??!

After all is said and done, Scott and Stiles sneak back into the hospital to look in on a resting Lydia.  After shutting the creakiest door on the planet behind them . . .

 “I really shouldn’t have eaten those beans, before killing the Alpha.  WOW!”

. . . the besties examine her wounds, and find, to their shock and awe, that they did not heal, as Scott’s did.  This means that Lydia is NOT a werewolf, but . . . wait for it . . . SOMETHING ELSE.”

“Seriously!  Her hair is perfect!  How did she do that?  She must be an ALIEN from Planet Good Hair.” 

The Aftermath . . .

The episode ends with the Argents announcing that they have rallied the hunter troops to avenge Auntie Kate’s death, and deal with whatever werewolfy problem is on the horizon for them.

Apparently, having one of their own publicly admonished for KILLING AN ENTIRE FAMILY, including a bunch of innocent kids, is going to make the Argents unpopular in town.  WHO KNEW?

Allison doesn’t care though, she’s cuddling on the roof with Scott.  PUSH THEM OFF!  SOMEONE PLEASE PUSH THEM OFF!  Looking out at the stars . . . and the Full Moon.

QUICK!  STRANGLE HER!  NO ONE WILL KNOW!

Wait, what?  How is Scott human, during a full moon?  Is it because Allison is KEEPING him that way WITH HER LOVE  (blech!), or does it have something to do with Scott’s “maker’s” death.  Only time will tell . . .

In the final scene of the episode, MORON Jackson returns to La Casa de Old and Decrepit to ONCE AGAIN beg NEW ALPHA DEREK to make him into a wolf .  . .

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And based on the Big Ole Once in a Lifetime Grin, Derek gets on his face, as he comes down the steps, he may just decide to oblige . . .

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Bon Appetite, Derek!  Now you may EAT!

And there you have it folks, an admittedly predictable, but definitely game-changing end to a surprisingly well-written and acted show’s freshman first season.  So, now it’s your turn, Werebangers!  What did you think of the finale?  Was it all you hoped it would be?

Did you correctly guess:  Which two characters would die?  Who would turn into a wolf?  Who would make out under the stars, while nauseatingly cheesy music blasted in the background?

Drop me a line in the comment section, and let me know!

“CALL ME!” 

(P.S. In closing, I just want to say that I’ve had such a great time talking Teen Wolf with all of you, this season!  So, to all you brilliant commenters, and loyal lurkers, thank you, from the bottom of my heart, for sharing this surprisingly fun and entertaining show with me.  I look forward to doing it all over again with you guys, next summer!)

[www.juliekushner.com][Fangirls Forever]

High Voltage, Higher Octane – A Recap of Teen Wolf’s Season Finale, Part I “Formality”

AUNTIE KATE:  “Come on, Werewolf!  Show me your teeth . .  . like in the Lady Gaga song!”

ALLISON:  “Really Kate?   You’ve got this hot specimen of man meat in front of you, and HIS MOUTH is the first thing you want to unzip pop open?  Are you sure we’re really related?”

How’s it hanging, Werebangers?  This is sure shaping up to be one heck of a season finale, isn’t it?  After weeks of speculation, and analysis, the Teen Wolf writers FINALLY seem to be giving us answers to the burning questions we’ve been asking ourselves all season.

And what better backrop for those jawdropping reveals than a High School Dance?  (Well, in truth, some of those reveals came about in a vet’s office, a mall, a warehouse torture chamber, a football field, inside a bus, and in the creepy forest, but still . . .)

So, ramp up your car to 75 in a 25 mph Construction Zone, let the Alpha help you pick out your pretty little dress, and give your gay best friend a big manly hug, because it’s time to get this recap started . . .

(Once again, a big round of wolfy applause to my pal Andre, for the spectacular screencaps you see here.  I couldn’t have done it without you, Mister!)

Rattling the Cages  . . .

“Sorry about the chains, and the electric shocks, Derek.  These days, this is the only way I can get men to sleep with me.” 

“Formality” begins right where “Co-Captain” left off (well, actually, it begins a few hours after that time, but Allison conveniently “flashes back” for us, to fill in the blanks).  As a tearful Allison is cruising through Beacon Hills in the rain . . .

“Does this camera angle make my face look fat?”

. . . she recalls Auntie Kate using poor Wolfed-Out (and deliciously shirtless) Derek as a science experiment in electrical conduction . . .

“How dry I am.  How wet, I’ll be.  If I don’t find . . . the bathroom key . . .” 

We see a Crazy-Eyed Auntie Kate gleefully describing the Family Business, as Allison looks on in disgust and horror.  Auntie Kate clearly never took a marketing class, because she SUCKS at selling her niece on the job of werewolf hunting.  For example, coldly telling Allison that she sees Derek as nothing more than an animal, is a REALLY stupid thing to say to Allison . . . the girl who rescued a stray dog she accidentally hit with her car . . . a girl who wrote Peta about her father’s “accidental shooting” of a mountain lion.  Allison is CLEARLY an animal lover . . . just ask Scott . . .

Bestiality?

Auntie Kate’s tactics of persuasion improve slightly, when she plays the “I can make you feel strong and powerful,” card, and the “Your parents thought you were too immature and weak to know about this, but I think you can handle it.  Because I believe in you,” card.

These statements make Allison at least a little bit intrigued about what happens next.  “So, what do I do now?” She inquires.  “Go to the dance, and act like a  normal teenage girl.  Because after that .  . you are going to help me catch the Second Beta.”

Wait . . . the Second Beta?  But that’s Scott!

UH OH!  I smell trouble . . . 

If at First You Get a Speeding Ticket, Cry, Cry Again . . .

“I swear, Officer.  I haven’t been drinking.  It’s just that I have this werewolf in my basement, being electrocuted, as we speak.  Surely, you understand.” 

Back in “Present Day,” Allison is out on the road in the rain, having a Mini Meltdown over the information she just received, when Papa Stiles pulls her over for going 75 in a 25 mph Construction Zone IN THE RAIN.  The fact that Allison is bawling her eyes out, and having a major mental meltdown, right there in the car, clearly gives Papa Stiles a hard-on softens Papa Stiles’ heart, while keeping her from getting the speeding ticket she SO richly deserves right now.

“I also think she’s kind of sexy.  Shhhh.  Don’t tell Stiles.” 

I’d be lying if I said that I haven’t tried this particular method of “Speeding Ticket” evasion.  After all, what good is being a member of the “fairer sex,” if you can’t use that fact to your advantage, somehow?  And yes, it works . . . just in case you happened to be curious . . . it works like a charm.

Coincidentally, so does THIS . . . not that I would know from personal experience. 

Allison starts nuttily babbling on about how she’s “not like this,” and that she’s “strong,” and “should definitely get a ticket.”  By the time Allison is done with Poor Papa Stiles, he barely remembers his own name, let alone Allison’s specific infraction(s).  In fact, Allison’s SO DAMN GOOD AT THIS, that she somehow manages to get Papa Stiles to BEG her not to have to give her a ticket.  Now, THAT’s what I’m talking about!  Way to go, Allison!

“I know . . . I’m awesome.”

With Papa Stiles out of earshot, a mask of calm falls over Allison’s face, and a nefarious glint appears in her eye.  “I’m OK,” she says to herself, and as if to prove it, we get to see her SHOOT AN ARROW UP POOR DEREK HALE’S NOSE . . . well, at least the artist-sketched poster picture of his nose.

“She shoots . . .” 

“. . .  she SCORES!” 

(That’s NOT cool, Allison.  I don’t think we can be friends, anymore.)

Meanwhile, Scott is shirtless (SURPRISE!), and still being felt up by That Veterinarian Everyone Used to Think Was the Alpha . . .

Beware of Alpha’s carrying wooden desks . . .

VET:  “You’re obviously feeling lightheaded, from all the bloodloss.  You should lie back down, and take off your pants.   You will feel better.”

SCOTT: “What does taking off my pants have to do with it?”

VET:  “Well, that would make ME feel better . . .” 

Our first big reveal of the hour happens in Scott’s pants inside the vets office, where Uncle Alpha has come looking to “pick up” some precious shirtless cargo.

Uncle Alpha’s inquiry seems consistent with those viewers who assumed that the vet was in league with the Big Bad Werewolf, and somehow, doing his bidding.  However, the vet’s response to Uncle Alpha smashes THAT theory to bits.  Rising to eye-level with the Beast, Vet Man fixes his steely gaze on the villain, and tells him, in no uncertain terms that he will NOT deliver Scott to him.

*sings* “I’m sorry that you . . . seem to be confused . . . he belongs to me . . . THE BOY IS MINE!” 

Uncle Alpha then attempts to threaten Vet Man, by showing some claw.  However, Vet Man is two steps ahead of him.  Apparently, the gate between the entrance way and Vet Man’s office is either made with, or been covered by, “mountain ash,” which keeps werewolves in their human form.  Nice move, Vet Dude!

Of course, the absolute COOLEST part of the scene comes when Uncle Alpha lifts up a desk, and THROWS it right at the vet’s stomach, only to find that his body can perfectly deflect the impact, a la Superman!

He has a stomach of steel . . . he neuters your pets., with a single pluck . . . they won’t even feel it, when he shoots them in the ass with a rabies shot.  He’s . . . VET MAN!

“Rats!  Foiled Again!”

In case you’ve been counting, that’s Vet Man: 3, Alpha: 0.   Three strikes, and your OUT!  Don’t let the door hit you, where the Good Lord split you . . .  Of course, Uncle Alpha has a few choice words for Scott, before he leaves the vets office for good.  Uncle Alpha wants his pack minion to know that if he doesn’t straighten up, and fly right, the Alpha will . . . wait for it . . . KILL ALLISON!

“NOOOOOOOOOOOOO . . . wait . . . why am I still holding his key?” 

Later, back at Scott’s house . . .

Well, Well, Well . . .  Look Who’s FINALLY decided to play hero . . .

“This sounds like a job for . . . NON DOUCHEY SCOTT!”

Oh, Scottiepoo!  For 10 episodes, you’ve pretty much walked around with your head up your ass . . . ignoring your wolfy responsibilities, while your smarter (Stiles) and hotter stronger (Derek) friends, did your dirty work for you.

Now, all the sudden, the finale is here, and you realize that, if you want to make your character likeable for Season 2, he’s going to have to stop thinking about how to please his weiner all the time, and START kicking ass, and taking names . . .

“Hi, my name is Scott.  What’s yours?” 

In this scene we find Scott and Stiles searching in vain for Scott’s ever-elusive cell phone.  (Dude!  The things been taken from you and/or broken about twelve times since the series began.  It’s time to cut your losses, and invest in an iPhone.  Or better yet, just HOWL.  Trust me, your friends (all two of them) will hear you!

SCOTT:  “Allison?  Are you down here?”

STILES:  “I thought you were looking for your phone?”

SCOTT: “Yeah, but it’s been about 30 seconds since I said the word ‘Allison.’  I’m starting to go through withdrawal symptoms.”

Scott frantically tells Stiles that they have to find and rescue Derek.  In an intriguing reversal of roles, it is now the normally self-sacrificing Stiles who instructs Scott to just let Poor Derek rot away in that hunter warehouse (or should I say were-house).  Stiles reminds Scott that, just last week, Derek seemed pretty intent on killing BOTH Jackson and Scott.  However, I think the REAL reason Stiles doesn’t want Derek rescued, is that he’s jealous because Danny finds “Miguel” more attractive than Stiles of Derek’s hot abs.  (OK . . . no . . . I don’t ACTUALLY think that.  But, whatever . . .)

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(That lame joke was just an excuse to use this GIF again . . .Oh, and while we’re at it . . .)

Sorry . . . I just couldn’t resist.

Scott, who is “connected” to Derek, through the whole “Pack Thing,” explains to Stiles that Derek wasn’t REALLY trying to kill anybody.  Rather, he was attempting to protect Scott, and, by extension, Jackson, from both the Hunters, and the Alpha.  Outside, Scott overhears his mother in her car leaving a rather clingy stalkerish message on Alpha’s answering machine.

“Hi Uncle Alpha.  This is Desperation calling.  Please arrange another date with me, or I will be forced to do naughty things with my son’s lacrosse stick.” 

Geez!  Given how creepy and cold the Alpha seemed on the “couple’s” first date, Mommy McCall must be REAL hard up for some loving to want a little Alpha in her!  And, perhaps because she realizes that this, is in fact, the case, she proceeds to burst into tears.

(What .  . . is there a “crying in cars” theme to this week’s episode, about which I am unaware?)

Stiles instructs Scott that he can’t protect ANYONE, because he’s pretty much a selfish turd, who only cares about keeping Allison safe, and can give two figs about anyone else everyone.

“I have to,” says Scott “bravely.”

Is Scott’s new foray into Superhero-dom too little, too late?  Only time will tell . . .

Meanwhile, back in Auntie Kate’s Torture Chamber / Were-house / S&M Pleasure Dome . . .

“Is that your tongue on my stomach, or are you just happy to see me?”

OH Derek, you can ravage me with those, “I want to murder you, in your sleep” eyes ANYDAY (and twice on Sunday!) . . .

The episode’s second big reveal, happens during the S&M Scene between Derek and Kate.  More and more, each week, Auntie Kate seems to prove what a ridiculously evil nutball she actually is . . .  Now we see her holding Derek’s New York drivers license to his face, and telling him to smile more.   (I don’t know, Auntie Kate.  I kind of prefer my Derek mad and pouty, thank you very much!)

By the way, can anyone make out the Birth Year on Derek’s license?  I’m guessing it’s either 86, 88, or 89 . . . 

When Derek remarks that he would very much like to kick Auntie Kate in the face, the wackadoodle somehow interprets this as a COME ON.

All the sudden, Auntie Kate wants to reminisce about all the “Fun Times” she and Derek had together.  “You mean when you burned down my house, and killed my entire family?”  Derek asks angrily.

“I was thinking more of the really hot, and crazy sex we used to have!”  Kate responds.

That’s right, Werebangers!  As many of us suspected, Kate and Derek used to do the DEED together, back in the day.  What we DIDN’T know was that, much like with the Creepy Emo Chemistry Teacher, Kate played Derek (who must have been underage at the time) like a fiddle, to get what she wanted from him namely, to have her brains f*&ked out of her :  information as to the whereabouts of the rest of his were family.  So now, not only does Derek feel responsible for his own family’s demise, and the rise of Uncle Alpha.  He’s also suffering from a Broken Heart.  I mean, he actually fell in love with this Crazy B*tch!

(By the way, Vampire Diaries’ fans, does this scenario REMIND you of anybody, in particular?)

“Kiss me, or kill me, Damon.  Which will it be?” 

(Special thanks to East Coast Captain, for this parallel.  Though HE used Stefan and Katherine in HIS example . . .)

Having been given this information, I now feel like I have so much more insight into Derek’s character, and why he is the way he is: i.e. uncommonly broody, unsmiling, not particularly trusting of others, and, perhaps, most importantly, perpetually single, despite looking like THIS . . .

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Another aspect of Derek’s character that makes a lot more sense now, is his broken-record insistence that Scott break all ties with Allison.  Contrary to popular belief, he’s not saying those things to be a cockblock!  He simply doesn’t want Scott to make the same mistakes that HE DID, by giving his trust, and his heart to a Were-Hunter, only to eventually have both irretrievably ripped from his chest!

Unfortunately, just as us Werebangers are putting the puzzle pieces together, so is Auntie Kate.  And it is by using the above-reference that KATE finally figures out that the second Beta is not Jackson at all, but, rather Scott.

Uh Oh . . .

Before our brains can fully process all the information we’ve just been given, those PERVS over in the Teen Wolf writing department treat us to the sexiest, raunchiest, and arguably most disturbing example of foreplay, I’ve seen in a while.  I mean, I definitely needed a cold shower after watching this, both to water down my raging hormones, and to wash that dirty feeling off of me.

In the scene, Auntie Kate decides to torture a handcuffed, electroshocked, sweaty and shirtless Derek (who, thankfully, is back in his sexy human form), by licking his stomach, starting in the crotch area, and slowly working her way up to his neck.

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Tyler Hoechlin plays the scene brilliantly, as someone who’s overcome with hatred for his torturer, but who can’t help but become aroused by what she’s doing to him, and the memory it undoubtedly evokes in both his psyche and his . . . um . . . yahoo place. 🙂

Derek’s fangs come out, in the werewolf (and vampire form of an erection), as he bucks and grunts, tears filling his eyes, trying to keep his body from having its natural response to being licked.  His face turns down toward the Evil Auntie Kate, and he has to fight the urge to kiss her, with all his might.   The humilation and emasculation he is undoubtedly feeling in this very moment, is far worse than any physical pain Auntie Kate can inflict on Derek.  And, of course, PHYSICAL PAIN is about to become an issue, as well . . .

Once Auntie Kate has had her way with Derek, she sicks Mr. Clean, “The Enforcer” on his ass . . .

Speaking of pain, ever since he and Allison have “broken up,” Creeper Scott has apparently taken to sitting on her roof, and watching her sleep.  Now, if you asked him about this, he’d probably say he’s just “keeping her safe.”  But really, he’s just being icky.  Seeing him there, I also couldn’t help but wonder whether Allison’s Wet Scott Dreams were more based in reality than I had initially thought.

Nevertheless, when Scott dozed off, and fell off the roof, I left my ass off, because dude DESERVED IT, BIG TIME, as far as I was concerned.

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I mean, I don’t care how attracted I am to a person, I REALLY don’t want them watching me sleep from my window.  It’s probably not a pretty sight . . .

Also, HOW THE HECK do Allison’s parents NOT KNOW that there’s a DUDE ON THEIR ROOF, EVERY NIGHT?  Hunters FAIL!

“DO IT, for Allison!”

We are treated to yet another locker room scene in this episode . . .

Unfortunately, this time, everyone seems to be wearing a disappointing amount of clothing . . .

During this scene, Coach Cupcake confirms our suspicions that Scott is a Mental Midget, because he’s failing two classes, and doing fairly lousy in all his other ones.  Normally, coaches pad good athletes grades to make sure they don’t flunk out bad grades like Scott’s would spell an end to his lacrosse career.  However, Coach Cupcake has brokered a compromise:  Scott can stay on the team, provided he misses the school dance.  Really?  THAT’S A COMPROMISE?  Sounds like Scott got off kind of easy to me.

“I concur!” 

Of course, to Scott, the idea of not being able to use the school dance as an opportunity to get back inside the Argent pantalones is a fate worse than DEATH!  Worried for Allison’s safety from a hungry vengeance-seeking Alpha, Scott approaches Jackson, and asks HIM to take Allison to the dance in his place.

“What’s the matter, Jackson?  Got a bad case of deja vu?”

My first thought, of course, was, Why not just ask Stiles to do it?  After all, he is ALWAYS RIGHT!

 

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Well . . . we’ll see why he didn’t, later. 😉

I suspect one of the purposes of this episode was to make Jackson seem as patently unlikeable as possible.  Otherwise, I’m a bit confused by his reaction to this request.  I mean, I get that Jackson was only seducing Allison to get under Scott’s skin.  But, really . . . Jackson is a heterosexual (maybe?) teenage boy, and Allison’s a HOT GIRL, who’s not a total b*tch.  Plus, he genuinely did seem to like her, at least as a friend, during some of the earlier episodes.

And yet, by the way Jackson reacted to Scott’s request, you would think he was asking him to insert a claw down his throat . . . oh wait . . . he already did that. 😉

In fact, Scott actually has to WOLF OUT on Jackson to get him to agree to take Allison to the dance.  Weird . . .

The scene ends with a Bromantic Stiles and Scott moment, in which Stiles eagerly agrees to help the poverty striken Scott somehow find clothing and a ride to a dance he’s not allowed to attend, even though there will be lots of people there who would like to see him dead.  All together now: Maybe Jackson had a point, when he said that these two should screw eachother AWWWW!

Thank you Macy’s, for your SUPER SUBTLE Product Placement . . .

After last week, when Allison not-so-subtly threatened Lydia with her archery skills, and massive weapons arsenal, the stuffy red head decided she better do something to get herself back into Allison’s good graces, after making out with her “ex” boyfriend, and FAST.  Lydia’s solution: buy Allison a dress for the school dance.

Sounds like a pretty good apology, right?  But Allison wants MORE.  She wants Lydia to change her date to the formal from Random Extra Dude to This GUY! (YIPPEE)

It’s interesting that Lydia doesn’t make any mention at all of the fact that Allison is attending the dance with HER ex-boyfriend, who she is clearly not yet over.  I mean, on one hand, her previous actions, put her not really in the place to say anything.  On the other hand, wouldn’t THIS already make them even, without the dress and the date change.  Not that I’m complaining, of course.  As you know, I love me some Liles (Stydia?).

Somehow, Allison finds herself separated from Lydia and Stiles.  So, of course, the minute she’s alone, a leering Uncle Alpha makes his appearance.   (Honestly, this part was kind of lame.  I mean, even if Scott and the rest of the Scooby Gang DIDN’T find Allison, Uncle Alpha REALLY wasn’t going to be able to do her any harm, in this crowded of a place.  Then again, maybe he was just doing this to prove a point.  More on that later . . .)

By the way, WHAT THE HECK IS UP WITH UNCLE ALPHA’S HAIR? 

Anywhoo, apparently, Uncle Alpha is the Tim Gunn of Teen Wolf, because he had all these random fashion tips for Allison about what dress would best suit her coloring.

“Make it work, Allison!” 

Uncle Alpha can be pretty darn persuasive, when he wants to be (even without wolf pack mind control powers).  And Allison ultimately selects the silver dress the costume department Uncle Alpha chose for her, instead of the darker colored one she had originally chosen.  Oddly enough, Lydia goes with a silvery dress too, which you would think she would avoid at all costs, so as not to look like she had coordinated dresses with Allison, but . . . whatever.

Long story short, Scott sees Uncle Alpha making a move on his girl, and just like he did with his mom before him, Scott stages a distraction, in the form of having her car towed, to get her out of harms way.  Uncle Alpha repeats that he is impressed with Scott’s “dedication to the cause.”  However, he reminds Scottipoo that “he can’t be everywhere all the time.”  As I suggested in an earlier paragraph, I’m pretty sure that Uncle A’s accosting Allison in the mall, was meant more to prove the above point, than to do anything more harmful to her person.

“Go out and get yourself laid, Son!  (At least ONE person in this family should be getting some.)

“Well, at least it’s easy access.” 

Back at the McCall crib, Scott has found himself a natty, ill-shapen ripped up suit to wear to the dance.  Mama McCall (who never offered to buy her son a suit) makes up for this infraction, somewhat, by offering to sew up this ugly one for him.  While she does this, she wonders out loud why Scott didn’t just find another dance partner, after Allison dumped his ass.  (Of course, Mommy McCall has NO idea that Scott isn’t allowed to be attending the dance AT ALL, let alone with a DATE.)

In a scene that was equal parts sweet, nauseating, and WAY TOO LONG for my taste, Mommy encourages Scotty Dearest to tell Allison that he loves her, before it’s too late.  Yes, Mommy McCall, because HIGH SCHOOL is all about finding “The One.”  Drunken flings, and random hook-ups, be DAMNED!  That being said, I very much approved of Mommy McCall telling her son not to be a dumbass.  Truer words were never spoken.

Good Ole, Danny!  (He’s one of the Best Looking Plot Devices I’ve Ever Seen . . .)

I’ve shown it once before, but it bears repeating . . . 

Outside in the parking lot, Jackson is in his car, drinking from a flask, because apparently he needs to be wasted to go to a dance with a hottie like Allison.  (Seriously, what the f*&k is wrong with this douchebag?  What the writers are doing with this character is stretching the realms of believeability . . .)  Realizing that Jackson’s going to be about as much fun as root canal, Allison steps out of the car, and smiles broadly, when she sees Scott running across the roof of the school.  And suddenly all the lame, random, plot driven reasons why she dumped him are all is forgiven, between them.  After all, it could be worse, she could be dating JACKSON.

Somebody who WANTS to be dating Jackson very badly is Lydia, who seems more than a bit distracted when the goofy but adorable Stiles, opens the passenger side door of his jeep, allowing her to practically fall out of it.  When Jackson all but ignores Lydia in the parking lot, she is crushed.  Fortunately, sweetheart Stiles is there to tell her how pretty she looks in her Allison look-alike dress . . .

At the dance, an awesome song is playing that I will be downloading onto my iPod, as soon as I finish writing this recap, thank you very much!  It is called “Just a Little Bit,” by Kids of 88, and it’s pretty awesome.

Scott enters the dance, only to find himself cornered by BOTH Coach Cupcake, and Uncle Alpha at the SAME TIME.  (OK, who the f*&k let Uncle Alpha into the dance?  Because that’s the oldest looking 16-year old I’ve ever seen!)

Guess he didn’t like that, huh? 

I  usually make fun of Scott’s idiocy, but I have to say, that his impromptu “dance with Danny,” in order to prevent Coach Cupcake from publicly kicking him out of the dance  (He would have looked like a total homophobe, and probably got sued, or fired, if he did.) was pretty inspired thinking.

“May I cut in?” 

And, of course, once again, Danny gets used and abused as the Gay Plot Device.  Here’s hoping Ole Danny Boy gets some storylines of his own, next season, because he seems pretty cool.  (And so does his hot boyfriend, for that matter. . . )

Dance Until You Die?

Since neither Jackson nor Lydia seem interested in dancing, both Allison and Stiles must engage in a little creative persuasion to get their respective dates onto the dance floor.  My favorite of the two, not surprisingly, was Stiles, who was TOTALLY channeling early Season 1 Seth Cohen, when he told Lydia to “get off her cute little ass and dance with him,” since he “had a crush on her since the third grade,” and “is the only one who knows how truly smart she is.”

As if all that wasn’t adorable enough, Stiles tells Lydia that he suspects she will get  a Nobel Prize for solving some complex Mathematical Equation.  And she corrects him, by noting that she will be getting a Fields Price, not a Nobel.  The two slow dance together, for a while.  And Lydia, actually seems fairly into it, with her head tucked carefully into the crook of the not-so-tall Stiles’ neck.

Unfortunately, Lydia can’t help but notice that Jackson has wandered off.  Stiles senses her concerns and agrees to accompany her, while she searches for him, to make sure he’s OK.

It’s actually kind of sad, because Lydia does TRULY seem to love and care about Jackson.  However, he’s way too shallow, and into himself, to ever genuinely return those feelings.  Once again, Team Liles for Season 2!  (Assuming Lydia makes it there alive.)

While the rest of the gang is outside, doing productive things, Scott and Allison are dancing close together.  He finally admits that he loves her, and, blah, blah, blah lkjfslkjfsldkfjs;lkj . . . that was my head hitting the keyboard, because I just fell asleep typing these last two sentences . . .

Scott tries to talk to Allison about the whole Werewolf & Werehunter / Romewolf & Juliet Thing, but Allison, who is determined to enjoy her last few hours as a “normal teenage girl” (whatever that is), doesn’t really want to hear it . . .

Out in the creepy forest, a drunken Jackson weebles and wobbles (but doesn’t fall down).  In the distance he sees two familiar red orbs, that he assumes are the eyes of the Alpha.

 “I SEE YOU!”

In a truly pathetic moment, Jackson prostrates himself on the ground, begging the Alpha to “Become like [him].”  (By the way, was anybody else hoping he’d get EATEN in this scene?  Because I sure was!)

“BITE ME!” 

Alas, the red orbs didn’t come from a hungry Alpha ready to eat Jackson, they were from the Papa Argent and his hunter’s infrared flashlights.  “I’m sorry.  I can’t give you what you want,” Papa Argent tells a sniveling Jackson.  “But maybe you can help me.”

“You should have seen what a moron you looked like out there.  That was HILARIOUS!” 

Within minutes, Jackson sings like a canary, giving Scott up as the second Beta.  (Of course, Auntie Kate figured this out HOURS ago.  However, apparently she has been keeping her S&M games with Derek a secret from the rest of the Hunters, and they have NO idea, where she is, or what she is up to . . .)

Elsewhere, Lydia rushes to the football field in search of Jackson, but finds Uncle Alpha, and his razor sharp teeth, instead.  Stiles screams for her to run, but it is too late.

She is bitten . . . A LOT, and falls unconscious.

“What are you talking about Stiles?  There’s nobody behind me!” 

“Oops.”

Uncle Alpha promises not to kill her (though from the looks of next week’s promo, he may have already . . . unless she’s been TURNED), provided Stiles inform him where Derek is.  Stiles, honestly, has no clue where Sexy McWolf is hiding.  However, he cleverly reasons, that Derek knew he would be captured at La Casa de Old and Decrepit, which was why he stole Scott’s cell phone.  Since all cell phones have GPS, Uncle Alpha can use this feature to track Derek to the hunters lair, which, of course, is EXACTLY what Auntie Kate wants . . . aside from more Derek lollipop licks, of course.

If This Bus is a Rockin’ . . .

Elsewhere, Scott and Allison have stopped dancing.  And Allison gets the SUPER TACKY idea that Scott should screw her on a school bus . . . nevermind that some dude DIED ON THERE, a few weeks back.  School buses are ROMANTIC!  What with those super comfy green seats, and the omnipresent smell of teenage body odor, intermingled with rotten lunch?  Who wouldn’t want to bone on a school bus?

Anywhoo, Allison rushes onto the bus, and motions for Scott to follow.  But, just when he is about to do so,  Papa Argent and the other hunters come at him, in their cars at full speed from all sides.

“Go Speed Argent, GO!” 

Scott has nowhere to run, and Allison is certain that he will be squished like a bug.

SQUISH

Instead, he jumps on top of the cars, wolfing out right in front of Allison for the first time, just as Papa Argent suspected he would.  Allison looks horrified.

Wolf Scott looks sad.

“To Be Continued” appears on the screen . . .

Oh the humanity of cliffhangers!

Next week’s trailer promises a major death, and a major werewolf transformation.  Personally, I would LOVE to see Lydia turn werewolf.  Because wouldn’t that just TOTALLY dust Jackson’s doilies? 

“Wahhh!  Why couldn’t it be MEEEEEE?”

Also, I REALLY don’t want her to die, because I’m eager to see how her relationship with Stiles plays out in Season 2 . . . 😉

As for major deaths, my money is on either Papa Argent or Auntie Kate.  Jackson is a possibility too, of course, but that might slice the “young cast” down too much for fans’ taste.  And besides, we wouldn’t get to see nearly as much of Danny, if his best friend croaked, now would we?’

(Plus, then we would never be able to answer the burning question of whether he finds Stiles attractive!)

So, now I turn the proverbial microphone over to you, Werebangers!  What did you think of “Formality?”  Was it everything you wanted it to be?  What’s on your wish list for Part II?  And who are  your choices to win the awards for Newest Werewolf and Deadest Cast Member, respectively.  Sound off in the comment section, if you DARE!

[www.juliekushner.com][Fangirls Forever]

The Family That Slays Together . . . – A Recap of Teen Wolf’s “Co-Captain”

Uncle Alpha:  “Come on, Scotty Boy!  We’ve got family business to attend to: places to see, people to kill, woodlands to frolic through!”

Scott: “Ummm .  . . OK . . . just give me a minute to get dressed.”

Uncle Alpha: “NO! No clothing!”

Derek: “Clothing is BAD and EVIL!”

Uncle Alpha:  “Feel free to take another shower, though . . .”

Welcome back, Werebangers!  Can you believe there are only two more episodes left in this season?  Two more hours of hot boys doing chin-ups and bench presses . . .

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 . . . stroking their man-meat, after a long hot shower . . .

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 . . . and running half-naked through the woods, like it’s their job?

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Oh . . . and I guess I’ll miss the plot too . . .

To be perfectly honest, I was a little skeptical coming into this episode.  After all, we spent Episode 1 through 9 speculating as to the Alpha’s identity.  And now that Episode 10 is here, that question has already been answered.  I worried that with the Big Mystery out of the way, the final three episodes of Teen Wolf would end up being a bit . . .  how do I put this kindly . . . anti-climactic.

Fortunately, I had nothing to worry about.  Though “Co-Captain” was a bit disjointed for my taste (and I really could have done without all the hippy folk music that played in the background, everytime Scott and Allison reunited), it absolutely held my interest, answered a lot of lingering questions I had about the series, and ended on a MAJOR cliffhanger that left me “hungry” for more.

So, pour your dad an extra tumblr of whiskey, ship your mom off on her date with the Friendly Neighborhood Serial Killer, and lock that guy (or girl) you’ve been crushing on in the basement, so he (or she) can’t escape, because it’s time for another Teen Wolf recap . .  .

(Once again, special  thanks to my good pal, Andre, for the fabulous screencaps you see here.)

Scott McCall – The CLEANEST WEREWOLF EVER!

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Oh no, Scott!  Your recently washed body is now rolling around on the dirty boy’s locker room floor!  I guess it’s time for yet another shower, huh? 😉

With all the drama of the Big Alpha Reveal, I almost completely forgot that  “Wolf’s Bane” ended with a lacrosse game!  Thank you, writers for not forcing me to actually watch it reminding me.  Of course, Beacon Hills won (Don’t they always?).  And now, thanks to the “excellent leadership” of Co-Captains, Douchey Mc Doucheybag and Scott the Crying Wolf, the team has advanced all the way to the State competition!

(Either that, or THIS guy has some strange disease that forces him to spout out random words, over and over again, ad nauseam, until someone beats the sh*t out of him, for being so annoying . . .)

Scott doesn’t seem quite as excited as his teammates by the victory.  After all, this Teen Wolf has bigger fish to fry.  There’s an Evil Alpha on the loose, and he hasn’t heard from his bestie, Stiles, in HOURS!  But, then of course, Allison shows up with her blinky doe eyes, and her “MY HERO!” flirtations.  And suddenly, Scott is like “Stiles who?”

Allison:  “Dude, what’s more important?  The fact that your best friend might be dead, or the fact that I am wearing a really low cut shirt, that allows you a nifty little peek at my boobies?”

Scott: “Is this a trick question?”

Was it just me, or did Allison kind of seem like she underwent Personality Transplant Surgery, this week (and don’t even get me STARTED on Derek)?  Just last week, she was all “Don’t call me!” and “I need time, before I can become your friend,” and “Do these jeans make my ass look fat?”  (Just kidding on that last one, by the way).  Now, all the sudden, she’s back on the Scott Train, requesting a round trip ticket to Pleasureland, doggy-style.  Now,  granted, perhaps, this has something to do with her overhearing that weepy speech Scott gave to Allison’s father .  . .

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But still, a little transition might have been nice, don’t you think?  Then again, Allison pretty much dumped Scott for no reason, in the first place, so . . . whatever.

Then Jackson appears, which means its time for him to once again sing his “I want to be furry, just like you” theme song to Scott . . .

Jackson too seems to have changed his tune a bit, since the last episode.  Back in “Wolf’s Bane,” Jackson was full of vim and vigor, and Big Bad Manly Threats, cautioning Scott, that if he didn’t somehow managed to turn him into a werewolf, Jackson would see to it that he lost Allison FOREVER!  He even included a creepy whispered timeline on the threat a la that chick from The Ring: “Three days,” he said, before amorously licking Scott’s earlobe.

However, sometime during the lacrosse game, Jackson apparently decided that you catch more werewolves with honey than with vinegar (or . . . maybe that was flies . . . I don’t know).  So, this time, Jackson approaches Scott with a NEW plan:  If Scott can help Jackson become a werewolf in THREE DAYS, Jackson will HELP Scott get Allison back in time for the Big Dance!

Well, isn’t HE Mr. Self-Sacrifice?  First, Jackson dumps Lydia for Allison, and now he seems more than willing to give up Allison on Scott’s behalf . . . and all for some pointy teeth, and a cheap pair of colored contacts . . . Then again, everybody knows that Jackson is secretly in love with Derek, anyway.  So, all if this is probably no big deal to him.

“You had me at ‘I wanna break your face.'”

Next up is a Men’s Locker Room Scene.  And you know what that means, Werebangers!  Cue the obligatory Wet Scott Wearing Nothing But a Towel Shot . . .

Never . . . gets . . .  old. 

In fact, I think Scott’s towel-wearing physique has mind control powers!  Last week, Derek promptly forgave Scott for TOTALLY selling him out to the local cops, and making him look like a serial killer.  This week, Derek’s (or should I say “Miguel’s”) new best friend, Danny seems EXTREMELY willing to forgive Scott for the MAJOR BEAT DOWN he gave him during practice, two weeks ago, in “Lunatic.”

“Apology accepted,” remarks Danny to Scott from across the lockers, while sporting a physique to rival the Great Teen Wolf’s . . .

For some reason, I love when a guy has just ONE dimple, on his cheek, instead of two matching ones on either side.  There’s just something really sexy about that . . .   It’s as if, on the right side, he’s just a boy, but on the left side and down below he’s ALL MAN!

According to Danny, Scott spent the entire lacrosse game passing the ball to HIM, thereby, helping him to become the game’s lead scorer.  Scott tries to shrug off the compliment, like it’s no big deal, but it does seem as though this was a conscious effort on Scott’s part.  If nothing else, Scott’s “dude-approved” non-verbal “apology” to Danny illustrates that he is FINALLY learning to keep his inner-wolf at bay, while on the field.  And, I expect we have Stiles’ Yoda-like training to thank for that . . .

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The Alpha Sure Gives Good Neck Rubs . . .

Suddenly, it’s dark in the locker room, and Scott is alone (and still undressed) yet again.

Question:  Why does it take Scott so much longer to get dressed than everyone else?  Is it because he takes like TWENTY SHOWERS a day, perhaps?  I just don’t understand how he always ends up in these situations . . .

But wait . . . Scott isn’t alone.  Here comes a BALL . . .

“Phew, it’s been a long hard day on the lacrosse field.  I was planning to take a long hot shower.  Care to join me, Scott?” 

Following that ball is Derek . . .

“Dude, why are you wearing SO MUCH CLOTHING?  We’re in a locker room, for heaven sakes!  This is SACRILEGE!  I COMMAND you to take off your shirt!”

This locker room is getting fuller by the minute.  But wait, there’s more partygoers on the guest list . . . like, for example, THIS GUY . . .

Yep, it would seem that, at some point between this week’s episode and last week’s that Derek and Uncle Alpha kissed and made up.   Now, Derek seems TOTALLY on Team Alpha.  In fact, I wouldn’t be surprised if he was wearing a “Team Alpha” t-shirt under that Brooding Anti-hero leather jacket of his.  When Scott questions him as to what exactly happened to make him COMPLETELY change sides, Derek gives minimalistic zombie-like “I totally just drank this guy’s Kool-Aid” responses.  He even goes as far as to chalk up Uncle Alpha’s murder of his own sister to “It happens.”

With all due respect, Derek, THIS does not just “happen” . . . 

I know we are all supposed to be shocked by the lobotomy Uncle Alpha seemingly gave Derek, back at the hospital (His “join us” instruction to Scott was particularly chilling.).  However, I still don’t buy that Derek has done this complete 180 he’d like us to think that he has.  My current theory (and I’m sticking to it), is that Derek is merely biding his time — lulling the Alpha into a false sense of security, before he pounces, and kills the f*&ker!  Of course, I’ve been wrong before . . .

Speaking of Uncle Alpha . . .

Is that a French Manicure? 

 . . . I loved the little shout-out he gave to the original Teen Wolf franchise, and its basketball roots, by casually noting the superiority of THAT sport to lacrosse.  I suspect the comment was also a clever not to recappers and reviewers of the show, who find the show’s emphasis on lacrosse to be completely random, not to mention a bit tedious . . .

Since Scott doesn’t seem willing to put on the Team Alpha t-shirt anytime soon, Uncle Alpha resorts to giving him an impromptu neck massage.

  “Ooooh . . . that feels good . . . now, a little to the left please, and MUCH harder!”

What happens after that, gives us a bit of a clearer picture of what, beyond wolfsbane poisoning, has been happening to Jackson.  And why, ever since he was “fingered” by BOTH Derek, and the Alpha, he has seemed to have an unnatural connection to, obsession with, and instinctive knowlege of werewolves, particularly the ones that belong to Uncle Alpha’s, and, by extension, Scott’s pack . . .

Cue the highly sexual FLOOR WRITHING . . .

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Apparently, receiving a scratch on the neck by an Alpha, allows you to see what the Alpha has SEEN, or, at least, what he wants you to see.  Intermingled with a few unnecessary, but still, very nice to look at, Scott as Alpha shower shots, during this montage, we were treated to a number of scenes that more or less tell us the story of the infamous Hale House Fire (Though Kate may have been the one to orchestrate the arson, she wasn’t the one who lit the gasoline tank, herself.  Go figure), as well as how exactly it was that Uncle Alpha came to murder Laura Hale, and become the Alpha, himself.

I’ll allow you to examine some of the Highlights of Scott’s wet dream “religious experience” here:

Eventually, Scott’s neck stops throbbing, and Derek and Uncle Alpha leave the locker room for a Doggy Biscuit break, or whatever it is werewolf packs DO together . . .

Enter Stiles, who, by this point, is probably not the least bit surprised to learn that his best friend has been hanging out in a dark locker room for HOURS wearing nothing but a towel . . .

“Exactly how many plain white towels do you OWN, Scott?”

A frantic and breathless Stiles informs Scott that they’ve got a huge problem on their hands.  Gee thanks, Captain Obvious!  Tell us something we don’t know . . .

Drive Me Crazy .  . .

Kudos to MTV for treating us to Allison’s super-sexy Scott-centric sex dream!  Honestly, I’m starting to think these two are hotter together, when they are asleep than when they are awake!

Having been rudely awakened from her STD-free Dream Time with Wolfman, Allison overhears the sound of Papa Argent and Auntie Kate arguing heatedly about HER.  Down the steps she sneaks to the garage, where she hides in her dad’s car to get a better listen .  . .

There you go, Allison!  Just sit in the front seat, with your head RIGHT IN THE WINDOW.  I’m sure NO ONE will notice you there! 

Allison listens as her relatives discuss various hunting techniques, and disagree as to when Allison should be let in on the family secret.  Papa Argent seems completely oblivious to his daughter’s presence because he’s a MORON.  Katiepoo, however, gives the camera a long extended look toward the end of the scene, that seems to illustrate that, not only does she KNOW that Allison is listening in on her conversation but she is GLAD that this is happening . . .

After the parental units have left, Allison notices that Auntie Kate seems to have purposefully left out for her a few oddly shaped arrow tips, and decides to use them during her next archery practice .  . .

“These kind of look like the sex toys I tried out on Scott last week.  Ahhhh, memories!” 

The next morning, Jackson, clearly feeling emasculated by his non-wolfishness, has decided to go all Speed Racer on his porsche . . .

Unfortunately, Jackson’s car stalls out, leaving him stranded at . . . well, wherever the heck he is driving . . .

PUT ON YOUR SEATBELT, JACKSON!  Don’t make me tell you again!

Then creepy Papa Argent magically appears, he’s been stalking Jackson this whole time seemingly out of nowhere.  And he’s all about fondling the teenager’s neck scars, and interrogating him, as to his possible werewolf status.

Now, Jackson might not be the smartest tool in his shed, but he’s got enough innate survival skills in him, to spot a creeper, when he sees one.  So, Jackson has enough good sense to lie through his teeth about the source of his scratch, and to refuse to go anywhere alone with Papa Argent to have sex get his car fixed.  And yet still the poopyhead still looks plenty frightened of Papa Argent, and seems truly relieved when Scott and Stiles come to his rescue . . .

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At this point, Papa Argent recognizes that the jig is most definitely up.  With Stiles and Scott watching his every move, there is no way Papa is going to be able to take Jackson out back, and shoot him in the head, Old Yeller-style.  Instead, Papa replaces the piece of Jackson’s car he OBVIOUSLY removed at some point to get it to stall as suddenly as it did, and drives away with a reluctant puss on his face . . .  (Hmmm . . . I wonder if he still mistakenly believes that Jackson is a Beta wolf?)

When the car suddenly starts again, Jackson is understandably TOTALLY freaked out .  . .

Jackson:  “What the hell just happened there?”

Stiles: “Haha, you’ve just been punked by an Argent!  Loser!”

But  Jackson is not freaked out ENOUGH to not want to grow fur on his back . . .  And he tells Scott as much, when Scott gives him the “When I was YOUR age (a few weeks ago), back before being a werewolf RUINED MY LIFE” speech . . .

Scott warns Jackson that once you go wolf, there is no going back.  And Scott can’t protect him, once he makes that decision.  (Well, that makes sense.  Scott McCall couldn’t protect a blade of grass taped to the back of a bullet proof vest, let alone a douchebag like Jackson.)  But COCKY ASS Jackson doesn’t think he needs protecting.  After all, HE DRIVES A PORCHE!

Uhhhh . . . Jackson . . . haven’t you ever watched a horror movie before?  Don’t you know the rich dickheads are always one of the first ones to go (right after the dumb slutty girls)?  Just sayin’ . . .

Speaking of dumb slutty girls . . . Meanwhile, in the evil forest, where they filmed The Blair Witch Project (I know . . . I know . . . it’s not  actually that same forest.  But it REALLY looks like it is.) . . .

Revenge is a Dish Best Served Tasered . . .

Apparently, this is what you get when you make out with Allison Argent’s ex boyfriend in Coach Cupcake’s office . . .

You get to watch Allison Argent use her magic archery bows to blow up trees, while she subtly warns you that she KNOWS WHAT YOU DID, and that hole in the middle of the tree, could just as easily be up your butt!

“Sweet dreams, Lydia!” 

Then again, if you are the EX BOYFRIEND who made out with Allison Argent’s best friend in Coach Cupcake’s office, you get TASED!

 

Hahahahah!  Now IS the coolest thing I’ve seen Allison do in a LONG time! 

I don’t know.  I don’t necessarily buy the whole “I heard a noise in the woods.  I swear, I didn’t know it was you,” montage Allison gave when she found Scott writhing on the floor for the second time this hour.  (Poor GUY!  This is definitely not his episode.)

Take another acting class, Ms. Argent!  We know you are THRILLED that just happened! 

Now, considering that these weapons are “magical werewolf killing weapons,” wouldn’t it be interesting if that taser ended up being a “tases werewolves only” type weapon, thereby leading Allison to learn of Scott’s “alter ego” on her own?  Just conjecturing here . . .

So, according to Scott, he wasn’t STALKING Allison in the woods, at all!  (Yeah right!)   He simply came to give her back the Ugly Ass Argent Family Crest Necklace he stole he randomly found on the floor somewhere.  Allison is so greatful to Scott for “finding” this, that she decides to straddle his recently-tased body, and give him a major hard-on . . .

Talk about sending mixed signals . . . 

As annoying hippie music blasts in the background, Allison and Scott hug, and go their separate ways, each feeling a bit more “tingly” than they did when they left . . .

Meanwhile, at La Casa de Stiles . . .

Because Getting Your Dad Drunk to Ply Him for Information Sure Beats Having to Tase HIM!

 You’ve really gotta love these father/son moments between Stiles, his Dad, and his Dad’s trusty bottle of Jack Daniels.  I mean, it just doesn’t get much more adorable than this.  Stiles comes home to find Deputy Daddy poring over information in the Derek Hale as serial killer case, and wants answers.  In fact, he wants THE TRUTH . . .

But Deputy Daddy isn’t talking, because this is “classified information.”

So, Stiles tries to ply his father,  who, apparently, has the alcohol tolerance of flea, with liquor, in order to loosen his lips.  Now, on the surface, this doesn’t exactly seem like a “healthy” type of father/ son bonding experience.  On the other hand, I’m inclined to believe that Deputy Daddy, at least on some level, knew EXACTLY what his son was doing to him.  However, he went along with it, simply because he wanted to spend time with his kid, and this seemed like the easiest way to do it . . . Sad . . . but true . . .

It doesn’t take long, before Deputy Daddy is spewing out information like a leaky faucet.

“WOOHOO!  YIPPEE!”

One interesting factoid he reveals is that Derek doesn’t show up in pictures . . .

Correct me if I’m wrong, but isn’t that a VAMPIRE trait, not a werewolf one?

I found this particular piece of information intriguing, in that we KNOW that Scott appears in pictures just fine, like, for example, the ones he sent to Allison’s phone, back when they first broke up . . . last week . . .

Now, perhaps, this little inconsistency can be chalked up to another “bitten versus born” difference . . . or perhaps, it has some more substantial meaning than that.  Only time will tell, I guess . . .

Deputy Daddy also reveals Uncle Alpha’s motive behind killing all those random folks, like the bus driver, and the janitor, and those two thugs who tried to rape Scott and Stiles.  ALL OF THESE DUDES seemed to play some role in the burning of the Hale house.

“Awwwww Yeah!  Yay for motive! “

Unfortunately, all this just serves to make Derek look even more guilty than he looked before . . .

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Things get a bit sentimental, when a Drunken Deputy Daddy starts waxing poetic about how much he misses Stiles’ deceased mother.  And though this unusual outpouring of emotion from Stiles’ father, makes Stiles feel like he’s going to probably spend an eternity in hell for what he has just done, he has a town to save, and therefore, exits Stage Left, at the first sign of Man Tears . . .

My Boyfriend . . . the Alpha . . .

So much for being an only child, Scott!  You’re about to get a litter!  I hope you like PUPPIES! 

Queen of the Cockteases, Allison needs to see Scott (the boy she just broke up with), right away.  When Scott sees Allison on his bed again, his weiner nearly JUMPS FOR JOY!

No . . . don’t worry, I’m not implying that Stiles IS Scott’s weiner . . . It’s just a pictoral  representation, Mmmm kay? 

Unfortunately, Allison doesn’t want to screw.  She just wants to talk . . . about her family zzzzzzzzz . . .

Cue, Momus Interruptus . . . not that she’s actually interrupting anything FUN!  In fact, if anyone is going to be having fun tonight, it’s MAMA MCCALL!  She’s got a hot date tonight!

Speaking of jumping for joy . . . 

Gee kiddies, I bet you can’t guess who Mommy’s new boyfriend is!  (Hint:  It’s not Santa Claus.)

Surprise, it’s the ALPHA!

(And if you didn’t guess that would happen THE MINUTE Mom appeared in Scott’s bedroom all tarted up, I have a bridge in Brooklyn I can sell you for a dollar . . .)

Apparently, the Alpha has this BRILIANT idea that converting Scott’s MOM into a werewolf and having her join the pack, will make membership seem more enticing to Scott.  To prove this, Uncle Alpha makes some random analogy to German U-boats, that actually makes him seem way nerdier and less badass than he did twenty minutes earlier.

Despite Scott making that hilarious face he always makes . . .

 Mom eventually absconds with Uncle Alpha, leaving Scott (well, more accurately Stiles) to pick up the pieces.  But first he has to blow of Allison (NO SEX FOR YOU TONIGHT!) by giving her those famous last words, “I’ll be right back!”

In other words, “Nice knowing ya, girlfriend!” 

On the way to their “date,” Uncle Alpha quickly reveals himself to have NO GAME WHATSOEVER, by creepily stroking the side of Mommy McCall’s face for NO REASON WHATSOEVER .  . .

And doing THIS . . .

Just so you know, single men, out there, doing THIS is not considered good foreplay.

Just minutes before Uncle Alpha either bites Mommy McCall’s tummy, or just plain eats her head off, it’s STILES to the rescue, with his much abused jeep, and his subpar driving skills.  He crashes into the Alpha’s car, like it’s his job . . . which it basically is.

“Uh oh!  I wasn’t INTERRUPTING anything, was I?”

Uncle Alpha notices Scott hiding behind Stiles’ car, and grudgingly congratulates him on a job well done.  (Well, at least the guy is not a sore loser!)

Of course, as you might have guessed, Uncle Alpha isn’t the kind of guy who’s just going to sit back and admit defeat.  No sir!  He’s going to have the last laugh, even if it means completely ruining his plans for World Domination.  (I generally think talking too much, is a sickness that spreads amongst TV supervillains, don’t you?)  So, Uncle Alpha helpfully tips off Scott to the fact that Derek is preparing to kill Jackson.

Why?  Because he “knows too much?”   Because he “has perfect hair?  Honestly, we aren’t too sure, but we are just going to go with it for now, because it makes for adequate damn good television . . .

Meanwhile . . .

Derek makes his move on Jackson (Interpret that statement as you will . . .)

Mutual interests: working out, listening to music, long walks on the beach, fast cars, eating humans and endless hours of SEX.

 You want a true testament to how much Teen Wolf writers adore their female and gay male viewers?  Observe THIS scene . . . It begins, appropriately enough with Jackson WORKING OUT.

 I just love the dedication to fitness on this show, don’t you? 😉  It seems like everyone (except for Stiles and Lydia) does active, mostly naked stuff, on a regular basis.  What a positive message for people who like looking at others naked our nation’s youth!).

So, there’s Jackson, pumping iron, grunting, sweating, flexing, preening . . . the whole nine yards, in the school gym, when in pops Derek (AGAIN, NO SECURITY IN THIS SCHOOL, AT ALL!), with his sly flirty smile and “deep appreciation for Jackson’s music. 

I smell a come on, don’t you?

The sexual innuendos continue, as Derek offers to give Jackson “everything he wants,” *gulp*, provided the latter follow him to his bedroom his house *double gulp*.  And that’s when things start getting REALLY weird . . .

“I don’t think we are in a Romantic Comedy, anymore, Toto . . . er . . . I mean Derek!”

Having received the Magic Neck Rub, the minute Jackson arrives at Derek’s La Casa de Old and Decrepit, he immediately recognizes it from his dreams of the Hale fire . . . weird.  Even Derek seems taken aback by that piece of information.  But still, our Big Bad Sexy Wolf sticks to the game plan.  He threatens Jackson, telling him that he doesn’t deserve to live because nobody cares about him .  . .even though he has perfect hair, is rich, drives a nice car, and is  . . .  well, we will get to that last thing he is in a bit.

You know, I think that’s kind of harsh, Derek!  I think lots of golddigging women will care about Jackson for all of these reasons . .  . and only these reasons.  Then Derek shows Jackson his big ugly nail beds, and this makes Jackson CRY LIKE A B*TCH!

“Oh gosh!  My eyes!  Those are the ugliest fingernails I have ever seen!  Please, put them away!  I beg you!”

Jackson instinctively knows that he is no match for this Hunka Hunka Burning Love.  He’s petrified . . . begging for his life, like he’s probably never had to beg for anything in his entire shallow existence.  And, honestly, I think that’s kind of the point of this whole exercise . . . to give Jackson some tough love  . . . to convince him, once and for all, that being a werewolf is not all it’s cracked up to be . . . and, above all, to keep those big fat lips of his shut.

If Derek really wanted to kill Jackson, he could have done it back at the gym, by bashing his head in with some barbells.  He wouldn’t have even had to break a sweat.  But hey . . . what do I know . . .

Earlier I mentioned that there was one other thing Derek mentioned that Jackson IS that nobody cares about . . .  and that’s . . . wait for it “captain of the lacrosse team.”

 

Well, Scott McCall would certainly beg to differ with this statement!  That’s right boys and girls.  It is at THIS precise moment that Scott decides to make his presence known, and save Jackson’s life for the SECOND time this hour even though he wasn’t really in any particular danger either time.  “CO-CAPTAIN!” Scott insists, from the top of Derek’s ratty staircase . . .

In two seconds flat, a now wolfed out Scott is flying down the bannister, like a bat out of hell (That looked like fun.)  And the two Wolf Headed Weirdos (Yep, Derek is back to looking like a Jackass in Wolf Gear!  The sexy glowing eyes were fun while they lasted!) begin to WRESTLE . . . again . . .

Shots ring out from outside the house . . . of course, it’s the hunters. Now, Derek is on Scott’s side, united against a common enemy.  “Run SCOTT!  GET OUT OF HERE!”  He commands.

Meanwhile, Jackson probably just pooped in his pants . . .

We don’t get to see much of what happens next because Scott is pumped full of magic werewolf killing bullets.

Oh sweetie, that lipstick is ALL WRONG for your skin tone!

Somehow Bloody Scott manages to escape the warzone, and ends up in the forest.  Believing himself to be dying, he makes one last cry for the woman he loves (OH PUHLEASE!) before he falls unconscious . . .

Next thing you know, Scott is being carried to the animal clinic, where he has the lethal bullets extracted from his body by .  . . THE VET?

Well, technically, he IS a dog . . .

For weeks, many of us have wondered what exactly the vet’s relationship was with the werewolf community.  Ladies and weres, I think we’ve just figured it out!

Meanwhile, at Scott’s house . . .

Golly Gee, Auntie Kate!  Can I get one of those for MY basement?

Clearly, over an hour has passed, and Allison is still waiting for Scott on his bed.  *cough DESPERATE cough*  Finally, she gets a text message from Kate, requesting her presence, and she has enough self respect to leave.  Allison meets Kate, and the former leads her down to the DUNGEON beneath the Walmart of Guns.  (Because of course, the Walmart of Guns would come equipped with its own Dungeon.  I mean, why the heck not?)

“Every family has it’s secrets,” explains Captain Obvious Auntie Kate.  “Ours is a little different.”

Allison tentatively enters the dungeon, with an eager drooling Kate on her heels.  What she finds down there is not something she ever, in her wildest dreams, could have guessed.  (Though many of us had an inkling.)  Wanna see what was down there?  Here you go!

Smile for the camera, Wolfman!

Something tells me the Alpha isn’t going to be too happy about THIS!

See ya next time, Werebangers!

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It’s the Derek and Stiles Show! – A Recap of Teen Wolf’s “Wolf’s Bane”

There’s nothing like a good old-fashioned physically abusive bromance to get your motor running on a weeknight, am I right?  Just so you know, MTV, I would ABSOLUTELY watch a sitcom in which these two did nothing but wall slam eachother, hit eachother in the heads with various objects, and throw pies in one another’s faces . . . provided, they did it shirtless, of course. 

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Believe it or not, Blatant Homoeroticism and Bromantic Buddy Cop Comedy Antics, were not the ONLY things “Wolf’s Bane” had going for it.   There was also a lot of partial male nudity.  This episode was jam-packed with nail-biting chase scenes, intense wolfed-out battle blowouts, drippy Allison and Scott melodrama, creepy dream sequences, countless plot-twisty reveals, and the most unintentionally erotic description of sex ever told by a sociopathic wolf wannabe.  Did I mention that they FINALLY TOLD US WHO THE FRIGGIN’ ALPHA WAS?

And to my pleasant surprise, it ended up being someone who nearly NOBODY had guessed . . .

So, what are we waiting for, Werebangers?  Take off your shirt, and call yourself “Miguel,” because it’s time to FIND THE ALPHA!

RUN, DEREK, RUN!

(Can I just say that I very much approve of the producer’s fairly recent decision to make Derek look less wolfy, and more vampire-y.  I know, I know . . . he’s not SUPPOSED to be a vampire.  So, technically, I should be upset about this.  But REALLY, wouldn’t most of you prefer the picture above to THIS?

Just sayin’)

So, considering what Derek Hale looks like, it’s not much of a surprise that people always seem to be chasing him down, because they want to eat him, lick him, or pop him in the ass (with a “gun”) . . .

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It all started with that Creepy Emo Chemistry Teacher who (randomly gave his students an economics test last week) everyone seemed to think was the Alpha, because in shows like these, the Bad Guys always seem to be the ones wearing the bad suits and nerdy glasses . . .

“Who has two hands, and looks like the serial rapist in every Lifetime movie ever created?  THIS GUY!” 

So, when the Alpha paid HIM a visit at the school late at night, you could almost hear the collective shocked gasps of Werebangers across the world . . .

“What slimy hands you have?”

“The better to finger you with, Professor Emo!” 

“HOLY CRAP!  Creepy Emo Chemistry Teacher is not the Alpha.  Everything I thought I knew about Life is WRONG!”

Not only is Creepy Emo Chemistry Teacher (a.k.a. “Professor Emo”) NOT the Alpha . . . the Alpha also doesn’t seem particularly fond of the guy.  Perhaps, this has something to do with the fact that Professor Emo, indirectly, made Alpha look like THIS . . .

Now, here’s a guy who should REALLY consider keeping his shirt ON! 

More on exactly how he DID that later . . . the important thing is that Professor Emo looks like he’s about to become an Alpha Chew Toy.  That is, of course, until DEREK JUMPS IN AND SAVES THE DAY!

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“My HERO!”

Unfortunately for Professor Emo, he misses out on the opportunity to give Derek a Big Ole Bear Hug for the whole “Saving His Life Thing.”

“Would it be too forward of me to lick your ear, right now?” 

Because, moments after Emo Man is pushed out of harms way, the lights in the school pop on, and suddenly the place is crawling with Stiles’ Dad cops.

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Now Derek is on foot.  And though I’m screaming at my television that he would be able to run much faster, without those pesky clothes weighing him down, he doesn’t listen . . .

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Cops and Alphas aren’t the only ones who want a piece of Derek tonight.  A pack of RABID ATTACK DOGS are also on his tail .  . .

But, of course, all Derek has to do is smile at them, and the Big Bad Dogs all go scampering away like giggly school girls.  Less easily wooed are the Argents, who are trailing Derek in their cars, and on land, respectively . . .

“Hi, is this the phone sex hotline?  I’m looking for someone who sounds REALLY young, and likes to be licked.”

“Oooh, my stomach is killing me!  I really shouldn’t have had those beans for dinner on a Derek Hunting Night!” 

They are also undoubtedly wondering why, if Derek is on foot, his car seems to be on the highway, DRIVING ITSELF!  Welllll . . . not exactly. Cruising down the highway at warp grandpa speed are Scott and Stiles, who will be functioning as Derek’s getaway drivers, this evening .  . .

By the way, was I the only one who was hoping Derek would give Scott just a TEENSY bit of a harder time about the whole “accusing him of being a serial killer” thing?  I mean .  . . sure . . . today he’s Mr. Chauffeur, but who’s fault is it that Derek is on the run from the cops, anyway? RIGHT?

And when Scott responds to Derek’s WAY TOO TAME snarky comment about the situation, by whining, “Can’t we just get over that already,” I want to PUNCH HIM IN THE FACE!  (Get over it “already?”  Really?  Because, where I come from, this happened TWO EPISODES AGO, a.k.a TWO DAYS AGO, in Teen Wolf time.)  And nobody’s memory is that short . . . except for, perhaps Douchebag Wolves who make out with their best friend’s crushes.

In fact, oddly enough, when Derek wants to share pertinent information about the possible identity of the Alpha, it’s STILES he doesn’t trust to keep a secret . . . not Benedict ARNWOLF in the driver’s seat . . .

In Derek’s defense, Stiles’ “I’m really a daddy’s boy at heart” comment, that the police were just “doing their job” by trying to KILL DEREK, did seem to have a whiff of NARC, beneath the surface, didn’t it?

Nevertheless, Derek eventually shares THREE pertinent clues with the Scott and Stiles duo:

(1) The Alpha is somehow connected to Professor Emo (but he is not the Alpha);

(2) Laura Hale . . .

Isn’t she pretty? 

 . . . saw Professor Emo shortly before she died, when she was asking him questions about a list of individuals, a list that seemingly contained his ENTIRE FAMILY . . .

(3) on Professor Emo’s desk there was a drawn image that looks EXACTLY like the Ugly Ass necklace Allison wears on her neck . . .

Scott, of course, begins to have a major “O” at the mere mention of Allison’s name . . .

Meanwhile, at the hospital . . .

Dig a Little Deeper (Barf a Little Harder) . . .

“Almost finished . . . this is shaping up to be the best ‘I Heart Derek Hale’ tattoo I have ever created.” 

Poor Jackson!  I mean . . .  SURE!  He’s a girlfriend stealing, insecure, bullying slime bucket, of the highest order.  But . . . really, does anyone aside from maybe Hitler deserve to have claws come out of his mouth, and obscure blue flowery plants (with SUPER LONG STEMS) emerge from his neckhole?  I think NOT . . .  Of course, all this ultimately ended up being a dream.  Dr. Frankenstein wasn’t REALLY using some massively LARGE metal instrument to painstakingly pull flowers out of Jackson.   (Euphemism for SEX?)

Come on, DOC!  Aren’t we being a little over-zealous here?  I’ve seen medieval torture devices that look more humane than THAT?

But that didn’t make the experience any less dramatic .  . .

That is NOT a happy face . . . 

Three things about this dream sequence that made me want to vomit in my mouth I found particularly interesting are:

(1)  in it, Jackson admitted to having nightmares about the Hale fire, ever since he was scratched;

(2) even in the dream, the substance coming out of Jackson’s neck, was VERY CLEARLY the same substance to which he had developed an “allergic reaction,” despite the fact that, at that point, Jackson had NO WAY OF KNOWING what was wrong with him; and

(3) at the end of the dream, Dr. Frankenstein morphed into Derek Hale, a.k.a. the extremely hot guy who fingered scratched him.

“Please, Honey!  Be gentle!  I’ve only done this once with Danny, and I was very, very drunk at the time never done this before.”

Seeing this, I couldn’t help but be reminded of the True Blood concept, whereby, if you drink someone’s blood, you naturally become sexually attracted to them, and have sex dreams about them, for as long as said blood lingers in your system.  Could, perhaps, the same thing be said for werewolf scratches?  (And, if so, how do I go about getting myself one?)

“Has anyone ever told you, you have beautiful eyes?” 

Eventually, Jackson wakes up from his not-so-sweet dream, to hear the Doctor tell him that nothing is wrong with his non-healing scars, except for the fact that they seem to suggest that he is suffering from . . . wait for it . . . wolfsbane poisoning . . . as in, you know, the stuff that MAKES WOLVES horny for Derek Hale WEAK?

“So, this ‘wolfsbane poisoning,’ it doesn’t have, like, sexual side effects, does it?” 

This, of course, raises another host of questions.  Why is Jackson reacting so oddly to the wolfsbane, if he is HUMAN?  Is it, perhaps, because he has a “little bit of wolf” in him, already?  And what about Derek . . . why would a WEREWOLF have wolfsbane on his claws?  Is it a substance wolves’ bodies create naturally to protect themselves from other wolf predators?  Or did Derek have wolfsbane on his nails, simply because Auntie Kate had shot him full of the stuff, in the previous episode?

Clearly, Jackson is curious about this too, since, immediately upon finishing his meeting with the doctor, the Douchebag shamelessly hits on Scott’s mom, so that she will leave, and stupidly allow him to use her work computer.

“Hey Mama McCall!   Do you know what my FAVORITE movie is?  The Graduate.   Hint, hint, wink, wink.” 

When Jackson does, he looks up wolfsbane .  . .

 Google and Bing would NOT approve . . .

. . . and has an EPIPHANY!

He now knows EXACTLY what Scott is . . .

Sniffing Magic Fairydust in the Moonlight (and other things Jackson would like to do with Scott) . . .

At school, Stiles tells Scott that he has to somehow get Allison to give him her Ugly Ass Necklace, so that Stiles and Derek can use it as a sex toy investigate what the heck it has to do with Derek’s sister’s murder.

“Hey buddy?   How about a hug?  My life is going to be in mortal danger again, in about twenty minutes, and it’s all because of YOU!” 

 However Scott is WAY TOO preoccupied with thinking of Allison wet and naked, to be able to concentrate on the matter at hand.  (What else is new?)  By the time Scott arrives at his locker, Stalker Jackson is already waiting for him . . .

“Hey Buddy!  How about sharing some of that sexy wolf mojo, you’ve got going on!”

So eager is Jackson to inherit some of Scott’s Mad Lacrosse-Playing Wolf Skills, that he’s willing to do whatever it takes to become a werewolf.  This includes getting bitten .  . . getting scratched . . . and sniffing magic fairydust in the moonlight . .  .

Uh, yeah, Jackson?  I don’t actually think sniffing fairydust with the wolfpack in the moonlight is actually part of traditional werewolf lore.  That just might be a personal fantasy of yours.  Anywhoo, Jackson basically threatens Scott that if he DOESN’T make him a wolf, the douchemeister will tell Allison what he is, and make her hate him FOREVER!

 YIPPPEEEE!  WOOOOHOO!  YEAAH!   OHHH NOOO!  NOT THAT!  Who would give us those goopy love montages those romantic walks in the forest, if not for “Barbie Dream Couple,” Scott and Allison?

(By the way, Scott tells Jackson that in order to be transformed into a werewolf, an ALPHA needs to bite you.  I’m not 100% sure that’s true.  But more on that later . . .)

Sexting for Dummies . . .

Oh Scott!  You really are a COMPLETE MORON, when it comes to women, aren’t you?  What on EARTH made you think that the way to get Allison to love you again, and give you her Ugly Ass Necklace, was to send her pictures of you two MAKING OUT?

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And, while we are at it, Scott, what PERV took these pictures with your cell phone?  Because it sure wasn’t you or Allison! 

You know what PICTURE might have been more effective, Scott?  THIS ONE . . .