Greetings, Werebangers! Though it was a bit cartoony at times, and there were a few too many “plot-sicles” (Yes, I just made up a new word.) left hanging by the end of the hour for my taste, “Master Plan” was nothing if not entertaining. The hour was jam packed with no less than FIVE potential deaths
(though two of them just so happened to be by the same person), one breakup, one makeup, one surprise twist that resulted in the most unintentionally hilarious shouting of the words “MOUNTAIN ASH,” I suspect I will ever hear in my lifetime, one massive supernatural brawl to the tune of the series’ theme song, and a beautifully well-lit extended shot of Colton Hayne’s ass . . .
Let’s review, shall we?
[As always, a big hearty thanks to my pal Andre, who’s kickass screencaps are the Shiny Key that keeps me from turning into a Snot-Secreting Giant Killer Lizard, each week. :)]
In which everyone thinks that Jackson is dead (but we know he’s SNOT) . . .
“Let’s see . . . so far, this series, you’ve made a claw come out of my mouth, black blood come out of my ears, a snake come out of my eyeball, green scales come out of my neck, a tail come out of my ass, and now THIS. Can’t a guy temporarily die in peace?”
When we last left our favorite boy vengeance lizard, he had just attempted reptil-icide, by clawing out his insides in the middle of a lacrosse field. (Now, if that doesn’t constitute a game penalty, I don’t know what does!)
Shortly thereafter, the medics arrive to cart away the seemingly DOA Jackson and his decidedly Swiss-Cheese looking tummy. Being the “kind and generous” soul she is, Mama McCall volunteers to ride in the ambulance with him.
“Ooh! Can I come along? Can I? Can I?
This is the most lines of dialogue I’ve had all season!“
Now, normally, this would be against ambulance policy. But hey! It’s not like his actual parents (1) are present; (2) know, or seem to give two leaping lizards (See what I did there?), about the fact that their son might be future worm food.
(For the record, I’d like to think that if I randomly started spending my evenings as a big green ugly monster / mass murderer, my parents would sense something was up enough to at least wonder whether I was “on drugs.”)
“In my defense, Jackson is not my biological son. Tyler Lockwood from The Vampire Diaries is my Real Son. (And I didn’t give two craps about him, either).”
So, Mama McCall is graciously invited along for the trip!
Later, we are at the morgue. And Mama McCall is still hanging out with Dead?Jackson! (OH, honey, I know he’s pretty. And I know you’re lonely. But, trust me, girl. You really can do better than an under-aged half-lizard corpse encased in a cocoon of snot . . .)
“I just want to be loved, dammit! Love me, Dead Snot MAN!”
Oh, that’s right! I haven’t even gotten to the part about the snot yet! You see, I’ve come to the conclusion that every episode of Teen Wolf must, as a rule, contain at least one moment that will cause me to gag uncontrollably. In “Master Plan,” this was the first of three . . .
As if it wasn’t nauseating enough that Jackson’s been leaking more mucus than Sneezy the Dwarf, this season, now he’s literally covered in the stuff. (Yes, yes . . . I’m aware that it’s supposed to be “venom.” But it sure as heck looks like snot to me!)
Frightened, and more than a little bit grossed out, Mama McCall, who, last I checked, was not a medical examiner, calls her son and his new
f*&k buddy bestie, Isaac — who are also not medical examiners, so that the three of them can all stand around and gawk at Jackson’s naked, booger-covered, corpse.
“I can’t believe I gave up tickets to The Dark Knight Rises for this . . .”
Now, that’s what I call Family Bonding . . .
One thing can be said about Jeff Davis and Co. They definitely know all the tricks in the book, when it comes to creating a Good Scare Moment. And they do so here, as Mama McCall unzips Jackson’s body bag very . . . verrrry . . . slooooowwwwly . . .
What’s the matter Mama McCall, afraid of waking Mr. Snotty Pants?
Oops . . . too late.
Question out there to anyone who knows “stuff” about lizards. Do they really have teeth like that? Because . . . yuck.
Anywhoo . . . Mama McCall zips that body bag back up faster than you can say, “lizard dentures.” Of course, it’s uncertain whether Mommy Dearest does this more because she’s afraid of getting eaten by those rotted chompers, or because Jackson is suffering from a wicked case of post-death Halitosis . . .
In which Stiles gets his ass handed to him by a dying old geezer, for no logical reason (but it still makes us cry) . . .
Elsewhere, Stiles gets literally thrown into the Argent’s basement by some faceless Roid-head type. (Geez! How many Argents are there in this town? Because I’m starting to think that these guys could give that wacky Duggar family a run for their money when it comes good old fashioned baby-making . . . Come to think of it, maybe that’s why Allison only dates Scott. Maybe he’s the only guy in town to whom she’s sure she’s not related!)
After belly flopping on the hard cold ground
(What’s the matter? Couldn’t spring for carpeting Argents? Is money really that tight in the werewolf murder business?), Stiles finds himself face to face with the Argent’s newest tree ornaments, Boyd and Erica, who are quickly eclipsing Stiles, as the most consistently physically abused members of this cast . . .
This whole “being a werewolf” thing sounded a whole lot better in the instructional pamphlet . . .
Through some random exposition, we learn that the reason this loveable were-pair is currently dangling from the Argent’s ceiling, is that they are getting slowly charbroiled by bolts of electricity. And the reason they are getting slowly charbroiled by bolts of electricity, is
because Jeff Davis secretly loves torture porn because this apparently keeps them from wolfing out. (This kind of makes me wonder why Derek didn’t use the same tactic, when he was trying to nurse his cubs through their first Full Moon together, a few weeks back. Then again, if he had done that, it might have actually worked we probably wouldn’t have gotten to see this . . .
Oh hey! Gerard has joined this party! He’s come to emasculate Poor Stiles, by showing him that he can, in fact, be beaten up by a 98-year old (or, whatever age this guy is).
“I totally OWNED that young whipper snapper!”
Seriously, Teen Wolf? Isn’t it bad enough that all Stiles’ friends are supernatural superheroes, and he never gets laid? Now, you’ve got to have him SH*TCANNED by Oldies? What’s next? Is Betty White going to pop by give him a few drop kicks, and a punch in the face?
What made the scene even more difficult to watch was the fact that Stiles didn’t even try to fight back . . . not in the least. This, actually got me thinking . . . to all you male viewers out there, who patently refuse to hit women (which, I sincerely, hope, is ALL of you Y chromosome owners), do you utilize the same standard when it comes to male geezers? If so, at what age does it become patently immoral to clock an oldie in the face with your fist? I’m serious. I’d like to know your thoughts on this issue . . .
Now, I guess it’s safe to assume that the Argents kidnapped Boyd and Erica, in hopes of torturing them into giving up Derek’s location. However, Gerard’s reasoning for hijacking Stiles is a bit more murky. Was he meant to be used as bait for Derek or Scott? Because it kind of seems like Grandpa just knocked the kid around a few times, and sent him packing . . .
“So yeah, I’m going to head on home now. If you need anything, just yell . . . oh, wait, nevermind . . .”
That said — and I know I’m a totally awful person for saying this – but Beat-up!Stiles looked kind of sexy . . . like Brad Pitt in Fight Club sexy. I mean, he was dinged up just enough that you would felt bad for him, but not enough that it really messed up his adorable face. Clearly,
the makeup department Gerard has a talent for giving people attractive bruises . . .
Don’t be sad, Stiles. Chicks dig scars . . .
Anyway, Stiles came home and had a tearful reunion with Papa Stilinski, so that we could all meet our Teen Wolf Weekly Cry Quota.
And then our snarky hero pretty much moped around in his room for three-quarters of the episode. (Hey, you’d be bummed out too, if you just got the poop kicked out of you by a 109-year old!)
I’m never helping old people cross the street ever again!
At least, that’s what he did, until a Special Someone entered his bedroom . . .
In which Stiles and Lydia, once again, remind us why we should shop at Macy’s . . .
Be still my beating hard, Lydia is in Stiles’ bedroom at night. And we all remember what happened when Stiles was in Lydia’s bedroom, back in Season 1, don’t we?
*grumbles* I’m not going to mince words here. This scene was a major cock tease (and female equivalent) for Stiles and Lydia fans.
In fact, when it comes to cock teases, this scene almost rivals that one time we almost got to see Stiles without his shirt on in sheer cock teasiness . . .
I mean, it just had so much potential! Think about it. The couple is alone in the bedroom. They are both feeling emotionally raw and vulnerable . . . It could have been EPIC.
It wasn’t . . .
Things started off promising enough, with Lydia, the “Beautiful Crier,” beautifully crying as she stares, with puppy dog eyes at Stiles and his oh so sexy Fight Club face wounds . . .
“Come on! Kiss me, you fool. This is the stuff fanfictions are made of!”
Except, she’s not crying for Stiles . . .
Remember that time when Jackson asked Lydia for the key to his house back? But she never got around to actually giving it back to him, because they started making out, and then he TURNED INTO A LIZARD?
Well, Lydia certainly remembers. And now that Jackson might be dead, she really wants to give him his key. After all, he’s a Possibly Dead Guy. And when you are a Possibly Dead Guy, you just never know when your Not-Biological Parents are going to send you invitations to family dinner. And when you get those invitations, you’re going to need a key . . . because . . . they aren’t going to let you in, once they see how badly you’ve decomposed . . .
“Dead Guys need home cooked meals sometimes too!”
Let’s get back to that key in a minute, because Lydia has suddenly become distracted by
the need to be in this week’s obnoxiously obvious Macy’s commercial shiny objects . . . and by shiny objects I mean REALLY BIG MACY’S BAGS (Show the label, MTV! You have to show the label, like you’ve done for these past two weeks. Otherwise it doesn’t count!) filled with really small items of jewelry.
“Hi Teen Wolf fans. Check out my MACY’S bags. Because I shop at MACY’S. Yes, MACY’S. (Nod and smile, or I’ll have to show them to you again.)”
“Ah-ha!” Stydia fans say! Now, we will finally learn what was IN THAT BOX . . . You know the one, don’t you?
Yep, that’s the one . . .
Except, we don’t . . .
But we do get to find out what things Stiles ended up not giving Lydia for her birthday, which, included, among other things, a whole lot of jewelry
from Macy’s! Remind them that it’s from MACY’S!, and . . . wait for it . . . a massively large Flatscreen TV . . .
“Hey Lydia, I bought you a TV, so that you can watch Teen Wolf, and learn what an idiot you are for choosing Jackson over Stiles.“
(They must pay single-parent sheriffs really well in Beacon Hills. Because, last I checked, Stiles doesn’t have a job . . . not even one of the dinky, embarrassingly low-paying ones, most of us end up getting in high school.)
Anyway, call me tremendously naive, because I truly believed that Lydia would be touched enough to kiss Stiles, when she saw all these un-given gifts . . .
But NOOOOOO . . . she just wanted to talk about getting Jackson that DAMN KEY! I was MAD!
Stiles was mad too, which was why he yelled at her . . . in that sexually tense, “I’m yelling at you, because I’m feeling very emotional right now, and I secretly want to jump your bones” kind of way . . .
“Stop moping about your stupid key, and look at my sexy face wound! NOW!”
Because Stiles hates the idea of Lydia putting Jackson’s life before her own. He finds it selfish . . . that’s right, I said selfish, because, by putting his life before her own, Lydia is presenting the rest of the world with the very real possibility of having to cope with her eventual death, just like Papa Stilinski (and, I guess, Scott, if he wasn’t busy doing other things) had to cope with Stiles being kidnapped and drop kicked by a 506-year old man . . .
See, it all comes full circle . . .
Now, me? If someone was yelling at me like that, all fiery and passionate, and caring and stuff, I totally would have kissed him . . . .
Lydia? She left . . .
It’s time for Dad to come back to give Stiles another pep talk about being “The Hero,” even though his version of “The Hero” always seems to get beaten up, rejected, ignored in favor of lizardy douchebags, and never gets laid . . .
Spiderman and Batman would definitely not approve. But the sentiment was still very nice, Papa Stilinski. You get an “A” for effort.
Your words also might have ultimately convinced Stiles to do the very selfless and heroic thing he ended up doing toward the end of the episode. But more on that later . . .
In which Peter goes from Psychotic Murderous
Gorilla-Thing Alpha to Derek Hale’s Wisecracking Yoda, in two episodes flat . . .
Now, I love me some sexy, undead, Peter Hale. So, I’m not going to complain. But since when does coming back from the dead, through an elaborate scheme that involves possessing a teenager, drugging a bunch of high school kids, and having your nephew’s unconscious body dragged across town, result in a Complete Personality Transplant?
Are we really supposed to believe that Uncle Peter, who, last season was Mad as Heck and KILLING EVERYONE, really went through all this trouble to come back to life, just so that he can be a Wise Snarky Sidekick for Derek Hale?
After all, our Scooby Gang already has a Velma (Stiles), and a Guy Who Spouts Off Random Expository Mythological Mumbo Jumbo When Necessary (the Vet). So, what exactly is Peter Hale bringing to the table, this time around (aside from his SASSY, of course ;))?
No matter. This week, Peter is helpful, with his surprise hidden laptop, that just so happens to show the real reason Jackson is currently encased in snot.
Apparently, like a caterpillar turning into a butterfly, Jackson is a Beta Kanaima, turning into an Alpha Kanaima . . . Also, like a butterfly, he’s going to HAVE WINGS . . .
Peter even found an animation of it, which he isn’t going to show you, because it’s Too Hot for TV . . .
I don’t know, given the fact that Jackson never actually TURNED into an Alpha Kanaima
just like no one actually BECAME the kanaima, just because they broke the Rules of the Kanaima, as was hinted a few episodes back, I would have at least liked to have seen the video. Wouldn’t you?
In which Allison sasses her dad / has Evil!Hair . . .
Allison shares with her dad her best impersonation of THAT gymnast . . .
Speaking of sh*t we didn’t see, we never did find out what was in that letter that made Allison become such an uber b*tch. At this point in the story, we are led to believe that Allison is well aware of at least a good portion of Gerard’s wacko plans, including his kidnapping / electro-shock therapy of Boyd and Erica, his manipulation of the Kanaima, maybe even his kidnapping Stiles. And, much like the honey badger, she just “don’t care” . . .
She also doesn’t care for her father trying to talk some sense into her, by kindly explaining that she’s become Grandpa Slave just as much as Kanaima Jackson has . . .
Given the way she’s been treating everyone lately, I’m kind of glad Daddy Dearest broke her stupid crossbow. B*tch totally deserved it . . .
Chris Argent – He may not be as warm and cuddly as Sheriff Stilinski (but he does drive a faster car) . . .
As the only remaining Argent who hasn’t lost his marbles at this point in the story, Papa Argent earns major points this week for freeing Boyd and Erica, and, ultimately, allying with Team Scooby, to stop Grandpa Crazy Pants and intercept the Kanaima. He even gave part of the gang a ride to the Warehouse, where Jackson was being held, in his uber-fast Mid Life Crisis Car . . .
Rumble in the Were-House!
It’s the moment we’ve all been waiting for . . . the Battle Royale, in which Lizards, Werewolves and Hunters all assume their true form, and inexplicably kick the crap out of one another to the tune of the show’s theme song, for three glorious minutes, while Peter just kind of hides in the backround, and makes funny faces.
“What, and mess up this hairdo? Seriously!”
There’s a twist though. The fight ends with the kanaima GRABBING ALLISON, even though the two were supposedly on the same team.
“Come on! Don’t you think we make a cute couple?”
That’s right, Werebangers. It’s that time again . . . for the Big Bad Villain to give his Big Bad Villain Speech, and explain the REAL reason, why he’s been doing all these Big Bad Things, all season long.
As it turns out, Grandpa Argent didn’t come to town to avenge his daughter’s death at all . . . and he didn’t link to the kanaima to kill Derek. Truth be told, Grandpa Werewolf Hater . . . he who was so quick to convince Papa Argent to kill his wife, has really been going through all this trouble to . . . wait for it. . . force Scott to force Derek to turn the old man into a WEREWOLF . . .
SCOTT: “Come on, lay one on him!”
DEREK: “But I don’t WANNA! He’s wrinkly. Can’t I give Stiles a hickey instead?”
How’s that for a surprise! You know how Grandpa has been popping those pills all season, well, basically that’s because he’s dying of cancer. And he won’t be dying of cancer, anymore, if he becomes a werewolf . . . even if that would make him the thing he hates most in this world . . .
Seemingly trapped, we see Scott force Derek to give the geezer the bite. The latter raises his teeth-marked arm in triumph . . .
“Huzzah! I’m bleeding black blood! HOORAY . . . wait . . . what?”
. . . and then all that gross black sh*t starts spurting out of every orifice of his body, and I become nauseated for the third time this hour . . .
Now, this is how those Grumpy Old Men movies SHOULD have ended . . .
BUT WHY? You might be wondering . . .
Because, my friends . . . wait for it . . . SCOTT HAD A PLAN!
This for me is the most surprising twist of the episode, that Scott did something kind of smart for once in his life . . . though, actually, I imagine it was mostly the Vet’s idea. Of course, Scott at least gets credit for SMELLING Grandpa’s death, just like Isaac smelled it on that cute puppy a few weeks back . . .
Through flashbacks, we learn that Scott and the Vet have secretly been filling Gerard’s cancer pills with .. . wait for it . . .
AHHH! MY FAVORITE PART OF THE EPISODE. Come on! How could you NOT laugh at that? That’s friggin hilarious. Here, let’s watch it again . . .
Then Grandpa Crazy Pants drops to the ground in a black bloody mess. And we THINK he’s dead. But he’s actually just heading out to play a good ole game of “Hide and Seek.” See you next season, ya Wackadoodle . . .
In which Lydia and Jackson have their “Yellow Crayon” Moment (and we are annoyed on Stiles’ behalf) . . .
Named after a scene from Buffy the Vampire Slayer in which a temporarily EVIL!Willow, is brought back from the brink, by her pal reminding her of
that one time in band camp, when she stuck a flute up her p*ssy that time in kindergarten when she cried over a broken yellow crayon, because crying over broken yellow crayons =’s HUMANITY with a capital “H,” Yellow Crayon Moments are ones where one TV character helps another regain his or her grip on reality through the use of a seemingly useless, but highly symbolic totem . . . you know . . . kind of like Leonardo DiCaprio’s spinning top in Inception except, not like that at all . . .
Off-screen, Stiles must have changed his mind about the whole “Hero” thing, because he ends up bringing Lydia to the warehouse after all. She gives Jackson his key.
“What, no flat screen TV? Cheap B*tch!”
The pair then flashback to “better days” . . . you know, when Lydia and Jackson could bone regularly without fear of Jackson turning green and scaly, or Lydia, screaming like a banshee and running naked around the forest . . .
Apparently, this boning flashback is supposed to symbolize TRUE LOVE . . .
So, Jackson turns human again. HOORAY!
Annnnnd . . . then Derek and Peter stab him from both sides, and, presumably, kill him . . .
“What’s the matter, Jackson? Are you ticklish? I bet you are! *tickle, tickle, tickle* Oops! Damn claws!”
Lydia kneels at his side, reminding him that, yes, she still loves his green scaly, serial killing self. We’ll miss you, Jackson! Have fun in Heaven . . . except, under the circumstances, that’s probably not where you’re going . . .
Buuuuut, suddenly, Jackson’s back up again, to the tune of triumphant music. Now, his ass lit up like the SUN! It’s GLORIOUS!
“I’m too sexy to be a kanaima . . . too sexy to be a kanaima . . . too sexy to . . . something that rhymes with kanaima (enema?)”
Or, as Glorious as Ex-Kanaima Butt Porn can be . . .
You see, Jackson found his identity, he’s REBORN as a WEREWOLF . . . a BLUE-EYED werewolf, like the Hales, not a GOLD-EYED one like everyone else . . .
“Now, I’m BEAUTIFUL!”
Now, is this because of the whole “rebirth” thing, or does it have something to do with Jackson’s lineage? Tune in next season to find out . . .
Oh, I almost forgot, Jackson and Lydia are back together again. And they are PDA-ing all over the place, while Stiles is stuck watching . . .
Seriously, dude just CANNOT catch a break, this week . . .
In which a bunch of other random stuff happens to set us up for next season . . .
I remember, back in the day, watching that third Lord of the Rings movie, and just cracking up, because the damn thing just NEVER EVER ended . . . every time the screen faded to black, I was up and out of my seat like an Olympic sprinter, ready to dash out of the theater and beat the post-3.5 hour movie potty line . . . and every single time, I was rewarded for my patience with YET ANOTHER FINAL SCENE. There, were like ten of them . . . I may, or may not have ended up peeing in my pants . . .
Why am I telling you this? Because this was precisely how Jeff Davis chose to end Season 2 of Teen Wolf . . . that sneaky bastard. First, we got the scene with Boyd and Erica surrounded by werewolves, doing that butt wiggle thing Derek does so well . . .
Then, we learn from Peter Hale that those werewolves are actually a PACK OF ALPHA’S
(though none of them look like Peter’s Gorilla Alpha . . . weird) out to reclaim their territory.
THEN, Allison breaks up with Scott, and he’s surprisingly chill about the whole thing. (Oh, P.S. She’s not evil anymore.)
“No worries . . . I’ll just go shopping for a new girlfriend . . . at MACY’S.”
Then, the Vet and the Guidance Counselor have one of their annoyingly cryptic conversations, while clad in this show’s trademark black leather jackets, while dipping their gloved hands in Gerard’s nasty black blood . . .
He’d much rather show you another finger, but this is a family blog . . .
FINALLY . . . Stiles and Scott . . . um . . . play lacrosse together? No, seriously, that’s actually how it ended. 🙂
And that was “Master Plan” in a nutshell. And that was our Season. I wanted to thank all of you guys who shared it with me, whether it was through your kickass comments, or just by reading my inane ramblings, every once in a while (even if you skipped the boring parts :)). It’s truly been a blast! See ya next season, Werebangers!
[www.juliekushner.com][Fangirls Forever – Now with Team Stiles and Team Derek tees!]