The Killer Party – A Recap of Teen Wolf’s “Raving”

 

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Greetings, Werebangers!  This week’s episode of Teen Wolf was all about motive.  After all, even the most self-righteous of characters can be lured to the proverbial darkside, if given a good enough reason to do so . . .

Of all the episodes of Teen Wolf that have aired so far this season, “Raving” was probably the most chock full of information.  We learned a lot this week about the relationship between the kanaima, and its Master.  We also got to take a closer look at the kanaima’s victims .  . . what ties them together .  . . and what they might have done to merit such horrible demises.

 

 

And yet, despite all that, the writers STILL somehow managed to give us a genuinely action-packed hour, complete with stellar acting, amazing character moments, and of course, a WHOLE LOTTA STILES!

Color me impressed . . .

So, slip into your party clothes, grab a handful of fairy dust, and try to avoid taking hits off the wolfsbane pipe,  because it’s time for another Teen Wolf recap . . .

[As always, special thanks to Andre for all the awesomesauce screencaps you see here.  Also, this week’s screencaps all come from two fabulous tumblr sites:  teenwolfgifs and allteenwolf.  So, feel free to show their owners some love, as well.]

In ‘Da Club

 

Go Wolf Twins!  It’s your birthday!  We’re gonna party, like it’s your birthday.  We’re going to huff some wolfsbane, like it’s your birthday . . .

Go shorty, it’s your birthday!  (But hopefully, not your 24th.)  Apparently, there’s some Big Hip Rave in Beacon Hills.  And everybody who’s ANYBODY under the age of 25 (and a few people OVER it . . . here’s looking at YOU Grandpa . . . and Creepy Pedo Chemistry Teacher) . . .

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 .  . . is going to be there.  This is true, even though admission costs a whopping 75 bucks!

Seriously?  Where I come from, all the “good” raves (at least, if you’re into that sort of thing) take place in abandoned warehouses.  And the only things you pay for are the glow sticks, cheesy pacifiers, and the bruises you get on your legs, while running away from the cops who just broke up the party . . .

But that’s neither here nor there.  What matters here is that it’s been a while since we’ve had a Big Party that literally brings all of our main characters together in one room (remember prom?).  And that makes the expectations for this party rather heightened.  Did I mention that the kanaima will be in attendance to snuff out yet another unlucky victim?

“Hi!  Welcome to my funeral!  Admission is $75 . . .”

The victims . . . Stiles and the Sheriff finally manage to draw a few parallels between them.  For example, with the exception of the Dawson’s Creek daddy, they are all the same age (24), and all attended Beacon Hills High together in 2006.

Kudos to us TW fans, who picked up on this trend a few weeks ago,  back when Hot Black Argent, Sassy Mechanic, and Derek had been the only kanaima targets, aside from Isaac’s dad.  (Honestly, I thought the “young married couple” looked a bit “long in the tooth” for 24.  But hey . . . life in a trailer park can be tough, I guess.)

“It is was a hard knock life for us.”

Stiles had also deduced that these folks had been in Mr. Harris’ chemistry class together, which confirmed the latter as a chief suspect for Master . . . at least until that last victim bit it, who wasn’t in his class.

The Sheriff thought her death blew his theory to shreds.  However, thanks to a little fancy camera work, WE know that SHE was, in fact, still part of the Class of 2006.

Of course, this begs the obvious question: which member of that Class died in 2006, and HOW?

“I got it!  I know who the Kanaima’s Master is!  It’s KAISER SOZE!”

We already know from the mythology that the kanaima thrives on vengeance, and will only kill killers (hence, it’s decision to delay the murder of the pregnant woman, until AFTER she gave birth).  But how did all of these seemingly unrelated 24-year olds have their hand in the exact same death?

Confused yet?  There’s more!

The Puppet Master

OK, I have no clue what that “Are you listening?” poster behind the guys heads has to do with vaccinations.  All I know is that I really want one for my bedroom . . .

While Stiles and the Sheriff were focusing in on the kanaima’s victims, Scott, Derek, Isaac and the Vet were more interested in the kanaima himself, and why he might be afraid of water, given that Jackson is Captain of the Swim Team (Of course, he is!  Jackson is “Captain of Everything”).

The Vet notes that this has to do with some “merger” of the kanaima’s personality with that of his Master.  They can feel eachother’s thoughts and feelings.  So, what hurts one, hurts the other.  (He even shows us some gnarly bling to illustrate this premise.)

“Hey kids!  Check out the earring I’m going to wear with my pirate costume, this Halloween!”

In other words, we’re talking about a two-for-one special on killing Big Bads!  Talk about a bargain.  (It’s a way better bargain than $75 for a rave ticket.  That’s for sure!)

Speaking of the Rave to End All Raves . . .

Isaac gets a two-fist discount.  

Finally, Isaac does something RIGHT in this episode of Teen Wolf.  Up until now, I’ve felt like pretty much every week, the writers have spent at least some time illustrating how Isaac and Erica are “special needs” wolves.  They can’t fight Scott.  They can’t fight Derek.  They’re outsmarted, and out-maneuvered by Allison.  And they are scared sh*tless of Jackson.  (Remember, one is an incident, two is a coincidence, three is a pattern.  Four  =  these two are pathetic.)

But they are excellent at sleeping!

And yet the n’er do well Isaac does seem to possess one particular talent: picking on the weak and completely unsuspecting.  When Scott and Stiles need a ticket for the “Big Rave” in order for their “Catch Jackson’s Master” plan to work out, Isaac knows exactly to get them what they need, and for a really great price too.  FREE!

Two wolfy ass kickings later, Scott and Stiles have their tickets, and Isaac has a goofy grin on his face.  Then again, now that you mention it, we never actually got to see Isaac kick those lacrosse players ticket-holding bums.  Perhaps, he did something a bit less G-rated to get those tickets, hmm?

The World may never know . . .

In which Allison’s loyalties are divided (for real, this time) . . .

In other news, Allison’s parents might finally be winning the battle for their daughter’s soul . . .

For the longest time on this show, we’ve been told that Allison was “Torn Between Her Hunter Family and Her Wolf” lover.  “Who will she choose?”  The over dramatic, deep-voiced promo narrator would often ask.

Except, to be honest, most of the time, it never seemed like all that difficult of a choice for Allison.

For one thing, and I know this sounds awful, but Allison never really seemed all that jazzed about her family.  I mean, we all know Stiles loves his dad . . .

And Scott loves his mom .  . .

But Allison?  With the exception of “cool” (Read “CRAZY”)  Aunt Kate, the littlest Argent seemed, at best, to tolerate her wacky “fam,” and, at worst, to be just as frightened of them, as the rest of the fandom seems to be.  (Though, I have to say, her dad is actually pretty hot!)  I never really bought Allison as being particularly “torn” between two loves.  It was all Scott, Scott, and . . . wait for it . . . more Scott.

However, that all changed this week.  It started when Papa Argent used a little coroner’s office “bonding session” . . .

“Hey Allison!  You used to like playing with Barbie’s right?  Well, these are life size!  I’ll be the wife, you be the husband!”

 . . . to coerce Little Argent into (1) fingering Jackson as the Kanaima; and (2) revealing his upcoming attendance at the “Big Rave,” despite the fact that Scott and his new wolf pack had already made their own plans to intercept Jackson there.

“I think I liked Daddy / Daughter bonding time better, when you just tied me to chairs, and threatened my life . .  .”

And then came the whole “let’s see other people” talk Allison had with Scott a bit later in the episode . . .

“It’s not you.  It’s me.  It’s just that I know you’re Team Edward in Twilight.  And I really can’t date anyone who isn’t Team Jacob.”

Now, in Scott’s defense,  he and Allison had been so sloppy about their “secret relationship” that even a deaf, dumb, and blind guy could probably figure out that they were dating.

And to prove it, Scott had been beaten up by pretty much every single member of the Argent family, ever since his and Allison’s “breakup.”

That said, in terms of Allison’s state of mind, Scott probably picked the absolute WORST time in the world to tell her that he’d be “totally cool” with her “dating” and “making out” with Matt the Creepy Camera Guy.  For one thing, it probably made her feel like she was a prostitute and he was her wolfy pimp.  For another, Scott’s sudden seeming indifference to Allison’s feelings, had to make her wonder whether her consistent betrayal of her family values for his sake was worth it.

“Silly Scott!  And you’re supposed to be the smart one.  Oh wait, no your not.  Nevermind then.”

Now, if Mama Argent new that THIS was the conversation her daughter was having with a sworn enemy, she probably would have been doing this . . .

Unfortunately, Mama Argent couldn’t HEAR what these two crazy kids were saying to one another, when she spied them talking  heatedly in an empty classroom.  All she was . . . well . .  “the heat.”  And so, instead, she looked like this . . .

That’s right, werebangers, Mama Argent is one Scary B*tch!  And boy did she prove it, in this week’s episode!

In much kinder and gentler news . . .

Stiles gets a tearjerker and a Dead(?) Tinkerbell moment in the same episode . . .

Good ole, Stiles.  Not only is he a fan favorite, because of his tendency to bring the comedy, and awesome one-liners to the series . . . .

 . .  . he’s also the heart of this whole damn show!

And boy did he show that this week, when the poor guy learned that his father had lost his job as Sheriff, as a result of Stiles’ “bad behavior,” i.e. the “kidnapping of Jackson.”

If only Sheriff Stilinski knew about the whole “lizard thing,” maybe he wouldn’t have to feel so sad . . .

Then again, he’d still probably be out of a job so . . .

But as guilty as Stiles obvious feels about his father’s job loss, he also knows that he has to keep all this supernatural craziness, a secret from his father, in order to protect him . . . or, at least, keep him from looking like a total wackjob in front of his cop buddies . . .

Lest you think that Stiles’ story in “Raving” was all angst and puppy dog tears, he also got to experience some serious Dead Tinkerbell Triumph.

You have no idea what I’m talking about, right?

Allow me to explain . . .

Remember that part in Peter Pan, where everyone thinks Tinkerbell is dead . . . so Peter Pan turns to everyone in the audience as says that “if you clap your hands, and believe in fairies, you can save her.”  So, a couple of idiots actually clap (the rest of the audience just stares at the screen, dumbfounded), and,  SURPRISE, Tinkerbell is alive again!

Well, that’s kind of what happened to Stiles, this week . . .

You see, thanks to our good friend The Vet, our wolf pack had a seemingly foolproof plan to trap Jackson / the kanaima / and his Mystery master all in the same confined space, using a bit of intravenous drugs, and some Magic Fairy Dust . . . I’m sorry . . . I meant “mountain ash.”

“Oh this?  This is just body glitter . . . for the rave!”

However, in order for the plan to work, Jackson needed to be trapped inside the Rave.  And, in order for Jackson to be trapped in the Rave, someone HUMAN had to lay out the Magic Fairy Du mountain ash barrier that would keep him there.

And we all know who our resident Team Human member is, right?

So, while all his buddies, get to go inside the Super Cool Rave, dance, stab lizards with drugs, and kick some Argent ass, poor Stiles is stuck outside sprinkling dirt around the parking lot.  Real nice!

“Hi-ho, hi-ho, it’s off to trap Douchey Jackson, I go . . .”

Given that, you can imagine how frustrated Stiles is, when he finds himself ridiculously low on Kanaima Keep Away Dust, way before he’s completed his Magic Circle.  But does Stiles get discouraged.  Heck no!  Instead, he takes the Vet’s advice, and BELIEVES he has enough fairy dust to finish the circle.  And, just like that, HE DOES!  It’s magical . . .

 . . . which, is why I’ve decided to BELIEVE that my laptop will turn into a million dollars, immediately upon my completing this recap.

I’ll let you know how that goes . . .

In which Derek, Boyd, and the Argents reenact a Jets/ Sharks scene from West Side Story . . .

Despite Papa Argent assuring Allison that his family’s plan to catch the Kanaima will have “no collateral damage” Grandpa Bad Ass tells his men, in no uncertain terms that this is a Seek and Destroy Mission.  “Something wicked this way comes,” Gerard says.

You know, because he’s old . . . so, of course,  he’s going to quote Shakespeare prior to heading out on a murder mission!  (Speaking of Old Grandpa Argent, any guesses as to what those pills are, that he always seems to be popping like candy?  Because something tells me they aren’t your typical “old guy” pills, i.e. heart and cholesterol medication, and/or stuff for his arthritis . . .)

But if the Argents want inside the party, they are going to have to get past the wolves first.  Derek and Boyd are ready and waiting for them.  It’s time to do battle!

At this point, I’d like to mention how happy I am that Boyd is back.  You know, last week I bitched that Boyd might be the “forgotten werewolf.”  Now, I know the truth.  Boyd isn’t the “redheaded step child” of his wolfpack.  On the contrary,  he’s Alpha’s Pet!  This is why he’s not sent off each week into the land of Failure and Humiliation like Derek and Erica are.  Instead,  he gets to be on the front lines with the Pack Master . . . getting sh*t done!

Except this time, when the Argents kinda kicked Derek’s and Boyd’s asses, using their  . . . weapons and stuff.

“Don’t brink claws to a gunfight.”  Consider that a lesson learned.  Hey, you can’t win em all!

Speaking of Failure and Humiliation . . .

It’s Bump and Grind Time!

It’s the scene you’ve all been waiting for, folks.  Tweedle Dumb and Tweedle Dumb Boobs have a mission, should they choose to accept it.  That mission is to stab Jackson with a syringe, the contents of which will,  if I’m not mistaken, both temporarily stave off the kanaima transformation, and unify the Puppet and Puppet Master of this team, so that our wolf pack can theoretically control them both . . .

Easier said than done . . .

I mean sure, Isaac and Erica are ACES when it comes to entrapping Un-Lizard Zombie Jackson into a Wolf-Kanaima sandwich.

And I’ll be damned if the possessed kanaima doesn’t look more than a bit hot and bothered by the notion of slapping his salami against the blonde bombshell, and the curly-hair with the pretty eyes.  Though, it’s kind of a toss-up as to who turns the lizard on more, thus calling into question the sexuality of both Jackson (which has long been a subject of debate), and the person controlling him . . .

Things get a bit more dicey when it comes to syringing the beast.  It turns out, for all his wolfy moxie, Isaac just can’t seem to get his stick in Jackson. (Don’t you just hate it when that happens?)

It takes a few tries, and a bit of a struggle.  But eventually, the Leather Twins are able to drag a napping Jackson into an abandoned room.  But Poor Pathetic Isaac.  Here we have a SLEEPING Jackson, and the werewolf STILL can’t successfully slap him around.

“Don’t you dare interrupt my Evil Naptime!

In fact, I’m starting to think that Isaac’s getting his arm broken in every episode is going to start to become a running joke of the show, much like Stiles’ seeming inability to ever be seen on camera without his shirt on . . .

But hey, the plan isn’t a total bust!  The Leather Twins (with Stiles’ help) eventually get the Kanaima to SPEAK through Jackson.  As it turns out, the wolf pack might not just be dealing with a Jackson Jekyll and Hyde, and a HUMAN master, there also might very well be a spirit involved.

In a weird disembodied voice that kind of sort of sounds like the Possessed Person in Every Horror Movie Ever, “Jackson” tells the Scooby Gang that he’s not really here to kill them (Could have fooled us!), because he’s got bigger fish to fry, namely, the people that killed HIM.

“Jackson’s” words seem to confirm the theory that the spirit that embodies Jackson, when he’s the kanaima, is some high school student, who died in 2006, at some school event.  Furthermore, quite a few other students seem to have witnessed the event in question, and either, did nothing to stop it, or helped it to happen.

This, of course, begs the question, how did “the kanaima” die.  My theory?  Drowning!

It would explain why Jackson was seen coming out of the water shortly after he was bitten by Derek, as well as the kanaima’s seeming fear of water . . .

Unfortunately, we don’t get much time to ponder this theory, because, in a flash the “medicine” wears off, and, just like that, Jackson is Lizard Man again (well, more like half and half), and he is on the loose . . .

It’s like one of those moisturizer commercials, where the model only puts the cream on half his face to show you how great the stuff works . . .

Stiles rushes out to tell his boyfriend, Derek, the news.

 Isaac and Erica would probably like to rush out too, but . . . you know . . . fairy dust . . .

Meanwhile, the kanaima has found it’s next victim.  Nice knowing ya, Ticket Taker at a Rave Chick . . .

“Go, BYE BYE!”

Hey, look on the bright side.  Now, you will never have to worry about suffering from one of those pesky quarter-life crises!

How Mama Argent destroyed Scott’s chances of ever becoming a pothead . . . (And, boy, did she pay for that!)

“I was going to kill the kanaima, but I got high . . . I was going to have sex with my girl, but I got high . . . now this scary lady is out to get me, and I know why . . . cause I got high, cause I got high, cause I got high . . .”

Meanwhile, Scott’s a bit less than pleased with not-girlfriend Allison, because her Stupid Family is interfering with the Wolf Pack’s fun-filled game of “Catch the Kanaima.”  This makes Allison sad, which nimrod Creepy Camera Guy Matt takes as a sign that, “Gee!  Now, seems like a totally great time to stick my tongue down her throat.”

Real smooth, Matty-poo!

Scott rushes outside for some “air” only to be hit by Mama Argent’s car . . .  “He came out of nowhere!  It was just an accident.”

Right?

WRONG!  As it turns out, this is all part of Mama Argent’s master plan to kidnap her daughter’s “ex” boyfriend, and asphyxiate him with a wolfsbane bong / vaporizer, of sorts (thus confirming my suspicions that Mama and Papa Argent were both TOTAL potheads, back in the day . . .)  And it seems like this EEEVVVIIILLL plan just might work too, until Scott gives out a howl to his new pack mate, Derek, who rushes to his dawg’s rescue (after Stiles’ sweeps up the fairy dust, of course, so he can pass).

What happens next is a little shocking . . .

I mean, sure, we all figured that Scott was going to get out of this alive.  What we didn’t plan on was Derek giving a big ole’ F-U to the Argent’s and their so-called “Code of Honor,” by giving Mama Argent the bite, thereby prospectively turning her into the thing she hates more than anything in this world . . .

In the final scene of the episode, we see Mama Argent rushing to Papa Argent’s arms, bloody and tainted, as Papa Argent looks on in dismay, undoubtedly wondering if it might be time for a little mercy killing.  Are any of you fellow werebangers nerdy enough to have supernatural pacts with your friends.  I am!  All my best friends know that I’d be totally cool with becoming a vampire, or a werewolf (provided I’m financially stable enough to afford regular waxing treatments . .  hairiness . . .ick), but if I ever become a zombie, they are totally within their rights to chop my head off.

Somehow, I suspect that the Argent’s have a similar pact at the ready, should any of them become werewolves.  Papa Argent hinted as much in his “lesson” to Allison early on in the season.  “One bite can change everything.”

This, of course, begs the question, how will Allison respond to the idea that her boyfriend’s pack mate effectively signed her own mother’s death warrant.  I’m thinking the answer is going to be “not particularly well,” no matter how creepy and unloveable Mama Argent might be . . .

In other news, while The Vet is once again saving the life of a wolfsbane poisoned Scott . . .

“Why do all you werewolves always seem to end up on your backs?”

 . . . that sucks-at-Latin guidance counselor randomly appears to make eerie comments to him about how “these kids don’t know about all the bad crap that’s going to happen to them really, really soon.”  But what’s she doing in there in the middle of the night, anyway.  Is she a relative?  Does she know more about the kanaima than she’s letting on?  Is she . . . TWENTY-FOUR YEARS OLD?

Unfortunately, I guess we’ll just have to wait until next week to find out the answer to these questions.  Until next time, Werebangers!

[www.juliekushner.com] [Fangirls Forever – Now featuring Team Stiles and Team Derek tees!]

“That snake just came out of WHERE?!” – A Recap of Teen Wolf’s “Restraint”

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Hey there, Werebangers!  This week’s episode of Teen Wolf was not for the weak of heart or stomach.

Erica became the Catwoman to Stiles’ Batman, just in time to have her kitty-clawed arm twisted out of it’s socket.  Lydia had the unfortunate experience of having her “My Date with Emo” romantic comedy life, merge with her “I See Dead People (or rather the Same Dead Person, Over and Over Again) ” horror movie life, in a way that forced her to recognize that she might actually be Tyler Durden from Fight Club.

Jackson got to have snakes crawl in and out of every orifice of his body, like it was a jungle gym.  Big Bad Hoodie Guy reminded us why you should never EVER go to the hospital in Beacon Hills.  And Allison’s mom went really, REALLY overboard sharpening a pencil.

Let’s review, shall we?

[As always, thank you to MY Master . . . of screencaps that is, Andre!  Thanks for all of your hard work, and for not being at all evil.  I also appreciate your not making snakes come out of my eyeballs. ;)]

“Well, hello there soon-to-be-dead people we’ve never met!”

Ahhh, the good ole “Victim Extras Whose Soul Purpose in Life is to Die Terrible Horrible Deaths Just So We Know the Big Bad Means Business.”  It’s a tale as old as horror movie time.  But the writers of Teen Wolf took this one step further, by using these seemingly random and senseless deaths to actually add to the season’s over-arching mystery.

We open on a youngish married couple — late 20’s, early 30’s tops — who have recently fallen on hard times and have been forced to make their home in a particularly dingy trailer.  But wait, it’s about to get worse, when the husband of the couple goes out side to chat with a heretofore unseen Big Bad Hoodie Guy about some faulty lights, and ends up being (1) ripped from the ground by a giant snake; (2) murdered by said snake; and finally (3) shoved through the window of his trailer, so that his wife can look at the snake’s handiwork.

Same old, same old, right?  But here’s where things get interesting . .  . After doing away with the husband, the snake comes back inside the trailer to finish off the wife, who totally seems like a goner.  But then the camera pans down and we notice, at presumably the same time that the snake does that the wife is VERY pregnant.    So, we’re thinking.  “Great!  Two for one special for the Big Bad Snake.”

Except, it isn’t.  Because, for SOME reason — which I plan to speculate about in a bit — the snake has decided to show this pregnant lady mercy . . . for now.

So, what have we learned from this . . . I mean . . . aside from the obvious: ((1) Don’t talk to people in hoodies!  (2) Don’t park your trailer in the creepy woods! (3)  Getting knocked up might just save your life!)?  Well, we’ve learned that Kanaima Jackson, unlike his werewolf counterparts, is not just limited to his human and lizard form.  He’s a true shapeshifter, one that can morph into multiple types of reptiles, and possibly even animals from other species.  This is also the first time we’ve seen the Kanaima Puppet Master in Action, pulling Jackson’s strings from beneath a trademark Dark Hoodie Worn By Every Villain in Every Teen Horror Movie Ever.

And this guy (or girl?) means business . . .

The next day,  at school . . .

But what if Stiles has to pee?

I’m rather ashamed to admit this, but the moment I saw the trailer for this week’s episode — which hinted that the erstwhile kidnapped Kanaima Jackson convinced his parents to get a restraining order against Scott and Stiles — I spent an inordinate amount of time wondering how the heck that was going to work, when, by mere virtue of going to the same high school, Scott, Stiles and Jackson would nearly ALWAYS be within 500 feet of one another.  Well, apparently, the writers must have spent an inordinate amount of time thinking about it too.  Because they treated us to Stiles absolutely HILARIOUS speech about how Jackson’s restraining order could negatively impact his bodily functions . . .

“What if I have to pee?  And Jackson has to pee?  And the only two available stalls are right next to one another?”

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Of course, Jackson’s dad thought Stiles was being sarcastic and making light of the situation, which, knowing Stiles,  I suspect he was.  And yet, in a real Restraining Order situation the whole Pee Standing Up thing would actually become a genuine legal issue  . . . not to mention the fact that Jackson seems to have Every Single One of his Classes with Scott and Stiles despite the fact that Scott is a total mental midget, and would probably never place into the high-level type classes Stiles, Jackson and Lydia would take.

Mama McCall is understandably freaked out by her son’s foray into kidnapping, and even goes as far as to take away Scott’s most prize possession as punishment . . . his Stiles.  A Scott without his Trusty Sidekick / Wingman?  Now, that would be a sign of Teen Wolf’s impending cancellation the Apocalypse.  Though Scott comes awfully close to telling his mom the truth about why he’s seemingly acting like a total teen sociopath, Stiles coaxes his bestie out of the completely unbelieveable “The Lizard Thingy Made Me Do It” excuse, by navigating his pal toward a much more “believable” one, i.e.  “I’m just sad because I have a deadbeat dad.”

Way to guilt trip your mommy for being single, Scott!

Meanwhile, over at Wolfpack Hideaway 2.0 . . .

Derek is busy telling wolf pups Isaac and Erica (SERIOUSLY WHERE IS BOYD and who did he have to blow to get out of all these mandatory lecture sessions?) . . .

. . .  to “play nice” with Scott and Stiles, so that they’ll readily give up intel about the Kanaima.  Erica, who’s idea of “playing nice” typically involves “thinly-veiled propositions of sex disguised as not particularly credible threats to one’s safety” thinks this is a super idea, one that might just end up getting her impregnated, thereby contributing to the Wolf Bloodline.

Because everyone knows that if Jackson was a Hogwarts Wizard, he’d be a Slytherin

We interrupt our regularly scheduled program to bring you this seemingly nonsensical,  not to mention utterly disgusting scene, in which Jackson impressively charms a Class Pet snake . . .and then SWALLOWS IT HOLE.  I wish I could say this was a metaphor for sex, but it SO wasn’t.

You’re welcome.

In which the sight of Naked Jackson eliminates my ability to come up with a clever subheading for this section . . .

I’ve showed it once before, but it bears repeating . . .

It turns out that Derek’s wolf pups aren’t the only ones trying to “squeeze intel” out of the opposition.  Based on further research regarding the Kanaima, Team Scott n’ Stiles decide that it’s actually a “good creature” most of the time.  And by “good creature” I mean it still murders people, but only really, really bad ones . . . kind of like that Dexter guy on the Showtime series . . .  So, why is Jackson’s Kanaima such a total douche, they wonder?

Well, obviously, it has something to do with the fact that Kanaima Jackson’s Master is clearly a douche.  Oh, and did I mention that Jackson is also .  . . at least about 98.999% of the time a douche?  I don’t know . . . the answer to this one seems pretty darn obvious to me.  I mean, if it walks like a douche, talks like a douche, and looks like a lizard . . .

Nevertheless, Scott and Stiles are willing to give Jackson the benefit of the doubt, and blame shoddy parenting on his sociopathy / lizardy tendency to KILL EVERYONE, even members of his own kind . . .  Except, in order to make this hypothesis stick, they need to first figure out what happened to Jackson’s bio parents .  . .

Not surprisingly, Stiles hits up Jackson’s ex, Lydia for information.  Unfortunately, the Jackson-centric portion of Lydia’s genius, but increasingly addled brain is a locked vault.

Lydia is loyal to Jackson and his secrets, because, in between verbally and emotionally abusing her, Jackson occasionally gives her nice kisses . . .

Erica overhears this exchange take place, and decides that it’s the perfect time to swoop in and “play nice.”  She tells Stiles that she just might have the information he’s seeking.  But when Stiles does run straight into Erica’s waiting tongue and / or lodge his head in between her boobs, girlfriends gets pissed, pushes him up against the wall, and tries to claw off his face.  So much for “playing nice.”

Fortunately, for Erica, Stiles, who’s kind of used to this sort of abuse, take this precursor to date rape in stride.  He even throws a little comic book humor into the mix for good measure!

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Elsewhere, Scott is taking a makeup chemistry test.  Here’s hoping he doesn’t hallucinate scary questions onto it, like last time.  (Wait, now that I think about it, that might have actually been an important plot point.  More on that later.)

Also elsewhere, Allison is busy stalking Jackson near the boy’s locker room, when she runs into her own personal stalker Creepy Camera Guy.  It’s like a Stalker Circle Jerk!  Creepy Camera Guy awkwardly invites Allison to a rave.  And I have to wonder if it’s at the same gay club the cast visited last week . . . because . . . let’s face it, no matter how many unflattering close-up shots, Creepy Camera Guy takes of Allison’s face, he’s not fooling ANYBODY!

Speaking of folks who enjoy gay porn, Allison hears a scream coming from the locker room, and rushes in to find a Wet and Naked Jackson just, for lack of a better term, hanging out by the showers.

Can I get a heck yeah?  This might very well be the best looking lizard thingy I have ever seen!

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Ab-tastically beautiful, though he might be, Jackson has some not so kind things to say to Allison about the state of her relationship with Scott.   In short, he thinks it’s soon-to-be about as dead as that random guy from the first scene of this  episode.  Then Jackson gets up in Allison’s face,  and tackles her . . . but not in a sexy, “I’m the perpetually naked high school jock in the smash hit porno flick, High School Humpsical.”  In fact, the whole scene is pretty darn dark and terrifying.

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To Scott’s credit, the minute his wolfy senses note a shift in Allison’s pulse, he immediately (and correctly) assumes that his girlfriend is in danger, without ever once considering the possibility that the heartrate increase is the result of Allison and Jackson . . . um . . . playing find the lizard with one another? He speeds through his exam.  (OK, this dude is never graduating . . . ever!)  And then rushes to the locker room to be Allison’s Knight and Shining Werewolf once again . . .

Back on top of Allison, Jackson is beginning to return to his non-Kanaima senses, and figures out that body tackling your “friends” and calling them b*tches is NOT cool.

Of course, this realization might have come too late, because it’s Scott to the rescue!

Rumble in the Restroom!

“I have a restraining order!” Jackson screams frantically, as Scott storms toward him.

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Non-Kanaima Jackson has always been a bit of a wuss . . .

“Trust me, I’m using restraint,” replies Scott.  (Wow, that was actually clever.  All this time hanging out with Stiles, might have finally paid off.)

Look, it’s a commercial for Immodium!

Sinks are being ripped out of wall sockets, lockers are being knocked over, water and cement particles are flying everywhere.  It’s a supernatural Battle Royale!

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Meanwhile, outside, Erica is trying her hands at “playing nice” with Stiles’ again, but it’s hard to tell whether she’s being for real, or if it’s simply part of Derek’s plan.  Erica admits to Stiles that, back before she was a Werewolf Slutbag, she had a major crush on him, which is sweet.

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Fake or not, it’s precisely the kind of thing Stiles’ needs to hear every once in a while . . . that he’s not invisible . . . that he’s more than just “Scott’s friend,” that girls notice and pine over him, the same way he notices and pines over Lydia.  We all need to hear that sometimes, don’t we?

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But then, Stiles sees water seeping from the Men’s Locker Room, and it’s “Danger, Danger, Scott McCall!”  Within minutes, the fight is literally taken outside in the hallway, and Stiles, Erica, Allison, and, oddly enough, Creepy Camera Guy, who was “just happening by,” rush into the fray to “Stop the Violence.”

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No good deed goes unpunished.  And their effort results in the entire gang getting detention thanks to Positively No One’s Favorite Chemistry Teacher . . .

Meanwhile, back at Scott’s house, Mama McCall starts not-so-subtly rummaging through Scott’s room to find out why he’s seemingly become a sociopath overnight.  She doesn’t need to look hard, before she finds a HUGE, ECONOMY SIZE and very nearly empty, box of condoms just sitting right there on the counter.

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On one hand, WAY TO GO, SCOTT!  YOU STUD!  On the other, really kid, how dumb can you be?  Hide your condoms in the false bottom of your teddy bear, or at least in the bottom of your sock drawer like everybody else . . .

Because everyone who’s seen The Breakfast Club knows that one detention can change EVERYTHING!

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Detention in the library for the Princess, the Jock, the Rebel, the Basketcase, and the Nerd . . . OK, maybe not . . . maybe it’s just Scott, Stiles, Jackson, Allison, Erica, and Creepy Camera Guy . . . close enough!  Scott and Stiles cleverly note that having Jackson sit at their table violates his restraining order, prompting Chemistry Teacher to move him to the next table.  Seriously?  Worst enforcement of a restraining order, EVER!

While the Chemistry Teacher is gone, the Supper Club uses this time for their own personal research.  Creepy Camera Guy researches the Kanaima based on intel he stole from Scott’s (?) iPad.  Erica, who’s dad is an insurance provider or something, looks up Jackson’s parents death, and confirms that they died in a car accident the day BEFORE Jackson was born.  This means either that Jackson was C-Sectioned out of his mother’s dead body, or something is seriously amiss here.

Speaking of seriously amiss, Jackson is starting to look super sick and headachey . . .

Oh, look, it’s a Tylenol commercial!

 . . . so he dashes out to REMOVE THE SNAKE FROM EYEBALL! WHY, WRITERS, WHY?

Elsewhere, Scott’s mom chats with Mama Argent at school, about the very real possibility that Scott and Allison might be not-so-much broken up and boning.  This prompts Mama Argent to sharpen a pencil to a size that I suspect is supposed to represent Scott’s weiner, so that she can wave it around like a not particularly well-endowed cast member of Magic Mike.  Now, that’s just cold!

Bite sized?

Later, Mama Argent calls Scott to the office, and warns him to keep it in his pants . . . literally.  She’s a real sweetheart, this one . . .

Meanwhile, Stiles wonders if Creepy Camera Guy is the Kanaima Master, just because he’s creepy, which, I guess is a good enough reason . . . it’s why I always used to suspect him.

On the other hand, moments later we get confirmation that the Chemistry Teacher drives the car with Einstein bumper sticker . . . the one the Kanaima was fondling a few episodes back.  This would suggest that HE is the actual Kanaima Master.  And yet, I think we’d all love to be proven wrong about this.  It all just seems too obvious.  Plus, from a nitpicker’s standpoint, Chemistry Teacher seems so much taller than Big Bad Hoodie Guy, who actually looks like it might be a woman . . .

Just sayin’ . . .

On the other hand, the Kanaima Master uses a trick of mental manipulation on Jackson that we’ve only seen before in the context of the Chemistry Teacher.  Remember I told you about Scott, and that weird test, with the ever changing answers?  Well, now the spines of Jackson’s books are talking to him, and telling him to take a nap, so the Kanaima can resume control, and do it’s duty.

He obeys . . .

The next thing you know, a half-lizard, half-zombie, half-whatever Jackson is zipping around the room, destroying everything in his path, and venoming Matt and Erica, the latter of whom promptly starts seizing again, something we haven’t seen her do, since she was turned.

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Then, the THING, whatever it is, writes a warning on the board for everyone still conscious.  It says, more or less, don’t get in my way or I’ll kill you.

I don’t know about you guys, but I believe him.  As a rule, I generally don’t like to involve myself with people who swallow snakes, and then proceed to poop them out of their eyeballs.

Then again, maybe that’s just me . . .

When all is said and done, Scott and Stiles decide to take the seizing Erica to Derek, while Allison waits with Creepy Camera Guy.  Scott and Allison, of course, make a huge deal about splitting up for a couple of hours, as if doing so symbolizes the beginning of the end of their relationship.

“Chill out, I’m just going to the bathroom!”

We can dream, can’t we?  And, because this is TV, maybe it does . . .

Flower Guy is Peter / Peter is Lydia / Lydia is Flower Guy / Lydia is Peter Corpse, a.k.a. WTF!

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Elsewhere,  Lydia and her weird new “boyfriend” who no one has ever seen but her, make plans to meet near his house, which seemed to just suddenly appear out of nowhere, fully formed behind  Lydia’s own.  Creepo tells Lydia to bring his wolfsbane flower on her date.  But she’s lost it, and can’t seem to find any in her garden .  . . probably because Creepo pulled that flower out of his ass . . .

In a trance, Lydia walks behind her house, and comes upon a really nice house, that’s completely empty inside, save for some leaves and debris.  What’s with people in this town and empty homes?  Doesn’t anyone here like furniture?  Just wait . . . all will be explained in a bit . . .

Lydia meets her creepo in the middle of the house, and apologizes about the flower.  It’s all very dreamlike and surreal probably because none of it is actually real.  The pair randomly start making out . . . yeah, because that’s how most of us would react to a guy we just met, who gave us a dinky flower, and invited us alone to his unfurnished serial killer lair . . .

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Lydia, I’m disappointed in you!  I thought you were supposed to be smart.

But wait . . . this isn’t a new, nice house at all . . . it’s that OTHER unfurnished house . . . Derek’s, the same one Lydia was drawn toward, when she escaped naked into the woods from the hospital, which suggests that this has been Lydia’s “neighbor” all along.  The Hale house . . . Lydia’s hallucination of the place was probably a depiction of what it looked like before the fire charred it all up.

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You know what else isn’t looking so hot anymore.  Creepo . . . probably because now he’s Dead Burned-Up Peter.  Apparently, Lydia’s bite has had the impact of allowing Lydia to see how everything Hale looked prior to the fire . . . Peter included.  In other words, Creepo is nothing more than a Young Peter.  And Young Peter, just like the nice-looking Hale house, no longer exists. He’s been a figment of Lydia’s imagination all along.

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Or has it?

You see, in the scene that follows, a charred up looking Peter informs an oddly unemotional, under the circumstances, Lydia that her unique immunity to the bite, will mean big things for Peter.  Apparently, she’s going to do something for him.  But what, revive him?  Allow him to possess her body, in a way, that, to some extent he already has?  The scene was purposefully unclear in this respect.  All we know is that Peter’s nasty ass decaying body is currently buried beneath the Hale house.  The question is, for how much longer will it stay there?

“You make a good Batman.”

Over at Derek’s lair, hot stuff looks so incredibly sexy, when he’s playing Barbarian Witch Doctor,  breaking poor Erica’s arm to leech the toxins from it.

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Meanwhile, the poor girl cries out in pain, and Stiles holds her gently, a look of fear and genuine concern on his face.  Erica’s eyes flutter as she looks up at Stiles.  “You make a good Batman,” she tells him.

Oh, this chick is good . . . using pickup lines, mid-seizure, while your arm is being pulled out of it’s socket . . . that’s gotta deserve some kind of reward.

Later, Scott tells Derek that he’s willing to join the latter’s pack for the sole purpose of locating Jackson and the Master, [provided they do it “HIS WAY.”   Aww, it looks like the gang’s getting back together again.  How sweet!

You know what’s not so sweet though, that poor mom, who just gave birth in the hospital, only to have Big Bad Hoodie Guy snuff out her life with a pillow, which,  as far as deaths go, is so much less cool than Dismemberment by Snakes . . .

But hey, you Kanaima win em’ all, right?  Until next time, Werebangers!

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[www.juliekushner.com][Fangirls Forever]

Don’t Cry Kanaima – A Recap of Teen Wolf’s “Frenemy”

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Greetings, Werebangers!  After last week’s game-changer of an episode, this week’s Teen Wolf shifted its focus away from Derek’s wolf pack, and towards its much scalier counterpart.  As a result, “Frenemy” was by far the “lizardiest” ((and, yes, I did just make up that word) episode to-date . . .  Keep this up, and we may have to change the series’ name to Teen Kanaima . . .

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Let’s review, shall we?

[As always, special thanks to Andre.  If there was an Academy Award for “Best Screencaps in a Supernatural TV Series,” he’d win it, in a heartbeat.]

We’re off to see the Lizard .  . .

So, remember Jackson’s “boring” solo sex tape?

Well, thanks to Danny and his tech savvy, it just got a lot more interesting . . .

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Of course, Danny doesn’t know that, because he DIDN’T WATCH IT?!

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OK . . . so, you guys are all my friends right, Werebangers?  Good, because I’ve got a confession to make.  If any of you give me a sex tape with you in it, and tell me not to watch it, I’m SOOOO WATCHING IT, ANYWAY.

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I don’t care who you are . . . gay, straight, fat, skinny, animal, vegetable, mineral.  Curiosity will eventually kill the Recapper, and I’ll get to see your junk on the small screen. Sorry, if that makes me a crappy friend.  But I’d counter that it also makes me human.

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See?  He gets it!

The fact that Danny didn’t watch is undoubtedly admirable.  And yet, arguably, also unrealistic . . .

I don’t know, Danny.  For someone who claims he didn’t watch the video, you sure look a heck of a lot like you’re watching it . . . 

Anywhoo, Danny drops the unwatched Paranormal Activity Porn tape off in the trunk of a car, as instructed, and heads out to a nearby nightclub with his conscience clear.  Meanwhile . . .

For all you comic book geeks out there, who just love pitting your favorite superheroes and villains against one another, to see how they’d fare in a fight, this opening sequence was definitely for you.  Kanaima .  . . versus . . . Alpha.  BRING IT ON!

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Then, Papa Argent randomly enters the fray.  Wait!  How did he get there?

And Grandpa Argent . . . and Scott . . . they are both there too.

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Who sent out e-vites to this battle?  It’s like a supernatural flash mob!

Now, of all of these aforementioned warriors, you would think that Grandpa Argent . . .  a.k.a. Mr. “I Cut Bodies In Half for Fun” would be the most bloodthirsty.  But, oddly enough, that’s not the case.  Instead, Not-John McCain and Lizard Thingy just stand around eye f*&king one another, until Scott intervenes, and cock blocks them both.  Weird . . .

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And just like that, the “Second Kanaima” / Master “Friend” of Kanaima betting pool just got one person larger . . .

Elsewhere, in Mushy Gushy Feelings Land . . .

. . . Allison informs Lydia that the reason she can’t tell her why the Really Hot Guy, and his three high-school age minions stalked her /seemed to want her dead is because . . . wait for it . . . she just LOOOOOOOOVES Scott too much.

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I’m with you, Lydia.  It pissed me off too.

A Lizard and a Werewolf walk into a Gay Bar . . .

Elsewhere, Scott and Stiles contemplate why, if Jackson is the Kanaima, he was still paralyzed by his own venom.

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Scott suggests that this is because, when Jackson is Jackson, he isn’t the Kanaima.  Wow!  That’s quite a deeply philosophical thought for the D student.  Color me impressed.

But now’s not the time to talk about ids, egos, and reptilian identity crises.   It’s time to go CLUBBING!  Can I get a fist pump?

Since Lizard Thingys are scent-free, Scott is forced to use another familiar scent to track down Were-Jackson . . . namely, the delectable odor of Best Friend Danny’s Armani cologne.

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Upon entering the club,  “Genius” Scott notices that something is amiss . . .

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Scott might very well be the “Alpha” of his own pack.  But here in Funkytown, it’s Stiles who’s wielding all the power . . .

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. . . that is until that pesky Lizard Thingy has to harsh on Stiles’ game, by literally eliminating all his prospective suitors from the picture.   (Well, that’s ONE way to get your man.)

Danny, who had just recently been making his ex-boyfriend VERY jealous, by grinding up against a hot piece of A, is now down for the count.  See, Danny?  That’s what you get for NOT watching sex tapes.  You brought this on yourself . . .

Oh, and Derek’s at the club too now.

I don’t know, Derek.  If you want to impress the gay guys, I’d probably go with a look that’s a bit more . . . natural . . .

Much better! 

And, suddenly, Jackson’s outside the club . . . back in human form . . . naked. 

My straight-girl Gay Guy Fantasy is now complete.  Well .  . . almost.

Sheriff Stilinski is on the scene now, which leads to an . . . awkward . . . conversation between father and son.  Apparently, Stiles’ dad doesn’t believe he’s gay, because of the way he dresses.

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Small towns lead to small minds, I guess . . . even in otherwise awesome dudes, like Daddy Stilinski.

Now, for the record, I think Stiles is an AWESOME dresser.  He always wears the coolest t-shirts.

But Daddy-o is right about one thing.  Stiles is NOT gay.  Anyone who’s watched the way he reacts to Lydia can see that . . .

Though . . . I guess he could be bi . . .

Anywhoo, Stiles and Scott manage to shove Jackson in the back of a police paddy wagon.  And off they ride into the night . . .

Never trust a man who steals your purse dog .  . .

Did you know Lydia has a “purse dog,” who she named after a company known for its high-quality purses.  Clever right?  But just because Prada is expensively named, doesn’t mean he’s immune to a man with beef jerky in his pockets or a werewolf with the power to mind control dogs, like we saw Scott do in the pilot episode  (Come on!  We all know that’s how he got the dog to run off, right?)

That’s right, Werebangers!  Creepy Dude from Outside the School Shrink’s Office strikes again.  And this time, he’s claiming to be Lydia’s “new neighbor.”   How convenient!

In the words of Gotye, Creepy Dude definitely looks like “Somebody that I Used to Know” . . .

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And as if the connection between Creepy Dude and Uncle Alpha wasn’t obvious enough, his cheesy methods of seduction involve a failed kiss . . .

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 . . . and . . . wait for it . . . a gift of wolfsbane . . .

The question is, what are Creepy Dude’s motives for wanting Lydia to carry wolfsbane around with her at all times.  Is it for protection from Derek’s pack?  Is the wolfsbane what keeps Lydia immune from the Kanaima’s venom?  Or does Creepy Dude have a more sinister reason for wanting to get under the red head’s skin.

Then again, he could always just be a horny teen looking to get laid . . .

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Up close and personal . . .

Over in Argent land, Grandpoppy suggests that the Kanaima could be useful in culling out, and eventually killing Derek and his Wolf Pack.

At first blush, I’d say that this really isn’t such a bright idea.  After all, the Devil You Know is always safer than the Devil you don’t.  And this Kanaima sure does seem a lot more dangerous and deadly than broody Derek and his pitiful wolf pups.  Unless, of course, the Kanaima IS the Devil that Grandpoppy knows better.  Once again, the notion that Grandpa Argent is somehow connected to the Kanaima is dangled tantalizingly in front of us fans . . .

Elsewhere, even though Jackson is technically Stiles’ hostage, that doesn’t mean he can’t be a good host, right.  After slipping Jackson into a pair of pants, while he was passed out (Now, THAT’S a deleted scene I hope they put on the DVD), Stiles kindly offers Jackson some gas station sandwiches and scintillating conversation . . .

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 . . . but no bathroom, which, after the sandwiches, could be a real problem . . .

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Speaking of Stiles’ hostage hosting skills, he’s even gone to the trouble of texting Jackson’s adoptive parents from his cell phone to let them know he’s OK.

This, of course, ends up backfiring big time, because Jackson never says anything nice to his parents . . . or anyone for that matter . . .  by text or otherwise.  So, now, Jackson’s dad is super suspicious, and decides to go to the cops.

Over at school, Principal Not-John McCain creepily fondles his granddaughter’s neck to determine if she’s lying about the missing Jackson’s whereabouts.  I bet he does that with all the girls . . .

“My, Allison what big boobs neck muscles you have!” 

How convenient that the Argents, despite having just moved into town a few months ago,  have such an influence on the Beacon Hills public school system.  Within a day, Grandpa has installed video cameras all over the school.  And I bet you will never guess who he hired as Allison’s new substitute teacher . . .

Out of all the Argents, I still think this one is the scariest of them all . . .

Oddly enough, like Principal Not John McCain, Mama Argent seems to be working at the school for no other reason than to torture Allison.  After class, Mama Argent praises her daughter for being “strong” and staying away from Scott.

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But Allison isn’t fooled, what might sound like praise coming from normal moms, is clearly a threat coming from this one.  In other words, “stop dating Scott, or he dies.”

Nothing much new here.  Though it did make me giggle a bit, when Mama Argent cleverly noted that Allison was exchanging quite a few text messages with “The Odd One” a.k.a. This Guy . . .

Speaking of Stiles, it seems his hostage-taking skills leave a bit to be desired.  For one thing, he’s forgotten about a little thing called “GPS” that police can use to TRACK THE CELL PHONES OF MISSING PEOPLE.

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Ruh-roh!

Speaking of technology, remember that sex tape that Danny shoved into the trunk of a car unwatched?  Well, feel free to check for it on YouTube next week because it’s GONE!

It’s not easy being green . . .

Outside the paddy wagon, Stiles, Scott and Allison argue over how next to proceed.  Arguing for the “Let’s not kill, Jackson” side is Scott, champion of all supernatural creatures, who wonders, as many fans have postulated, whether the Kanaima might only be target “bad people”  . . . like killers . . . and stuff.

But Stiles, who’s personally felt the wrath of the Kanaima on more than one occasion, is all, “Nah . . . he’s evil.  Let’s kill him!”

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Funny how quickly your tune changes, when you find out the Kanaima isn’t the hot red-head you LOOOVE, but, rather, the jock douchebag you hate, isn’t it Stiles?

Loyal Wolf Pup Scott isn’t convinced, however.   He claims that his Scooby Gang should feel obligated to save Jackson because nobody else likes him enough to do it for them (well . . . except maybe Danny).

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 Jackson overhears this, and gets depressed.  Cue the Single Manly Tear!

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Then, Stiles heads off to chat with Lydia, so that the two lovebirds can make out some more.  We’re treated to a “scintillating” conversation about how Allison wants to be with Scott FOREVVEEERRRR, despite the fact that they are only sophomores (?), and the fact that with Scott’s grades, he might not actually graduate high school until he’s 55.  More nuzzling and smooching ensue . . .

Gag!  Puke!  BLEEEHHH!

I don’t know.  Usually, I’m such a goopy girl romantic.  And Allison has really been growing on me as a character these past few weeks.  But there’s something about these two together that just bores me to tears.  Does anyone else feel the same way?

The only interesting part of this conversation, was the suggestion that perhaps Lydia’s “immunity” to werewolf bites could be used to cure Scott of his “condition.”  Well, they may have squeeze it out of her first . . .

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Wait,  I lied.  There was another interesting part of this conversation.  It was the one where Scott and Allison started boning.  And Jackson used that opportunity to turn into the Kanaima and escape.  Serves those horndogs right!

Now, completely out of options, Stiles decides to come clean to his dad about the town’s little “supernatural problem.”  Scott and his yellow eyes tag along to help make Stiles’ story a bit more “credible.”  Unfortunately, by the time they arrive at the sheriff’s office, a very smug looking “human” Jackson is already there with his lawyer dad.  And they’re ready to sue!

You know, because lawyers and law suits are so much scarier than getting your face ripped apart by a lizard thingy . . .

Allison’s ready to come clean to her parents too.  But before she can, she runs into Lydia, who, understandably, is desperate for answers.

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She’s also conveniently fluent in Archaic Latin.  It’s time to break out that trusty old Bestiary again . . .

Here’s an interesting twist.  Either that school counselor chick really sucks at Latin . . .

. . . or she’s hiding something, because her translation of the piece about the Kanaima was missing one very important piece of information.  Accoring to Lydia, the Kanaima isn’t looking for a “friend,” it’s looking for a “MASTER” to control it . . .

Ahh . . . the plot . . . it thickens!  Until next time, Werebangers!

[www.juliekushner.com][Fangirls Forever]

Beauty and the Bestiary – A Recap of Teen Wolf’s “Abomination”

Dating Profile for Lizard Thingy, a.k.a The Kainaima

Age: Better not tell you now . . .

Sex: Sure!  If you’re still alive, by the time I’m done with you.

Likes: Long walks on the beach, cars, paralyzed prey, lacrosse

Dislikes: Abusive dads, Argents (even Hot Black ones), Douchey Grease Monkeys, and Werewolves

Fears: Water, Mirrors .  . . and Stiles?

Hey there, Werebangers!  Of all the episodes of Teen Wolf we’ve seen so far, this one was by far the most educational.

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Let’s see . . . we learned the difference between “Bestiary” and “Bestiality.”

We learned about a creature called the Kanaima, who’s SO deadly, it can instantly kill anything it touches, yet somehow has crushingly low self-esteem, and can’t even go in the Kiddie Pool without a pair of Swimmies.

We learned how to edit boring film footage of someone sleeping to make it EVEN MORE BORING.

And finally, we learned that Stiles is the most awesome dude on the planet . . .

Then again, we already knew that.

So, without further adieu, I bring to you “Abomination.”  Let the learning begin!

[As always, everything in this recap that you think is pretty, belongs to Andre, Screencapper Extraordinaire.  Without him, these recaps would be super lame.]

“Killers come in all ages . . . sizes and shapes.”

“Be afraid . . .be VERY afraid.”  That’s what The Vet tells the Argents (and Scott before them), when they enter his lair at the beginning of the episode.  And with good reason!  Because there, lounging before him on the operating table, is Hot Black Argent, who’s looking a little less “Hot Black” these days, and a bit more “Pre-Chewed / Beef Jerkified.”

“I’ve always wanted my stomach muscles to look ‘cut,’ but this is ridiculous.” 

The Vet almost gleefully describes to all of us the rather unpleasant way in which Hot Black Argent met his Maker, despite the fact that (1) we saw it happen; and (2) it’s kind of obvious to anyone with a pair of eyes.

“Oh really, is that, how he died?  I thought it was from old age.” 

By far, the creepiest aspect of this autopsy is the when The Vet shows the Argents the teeny tiny scratch on the back of Hot Black Argent’s neck.  For one thing, his neck makes a really disturbing cracking sound, when it’s turned.

Noisiest . . . neck . . . EVER!

 For another, apparently that little scratch contains something called a paralytic toxin.  This means that, rather then merely killing its prey outright, Lizard Thingy completely paralyzed Hot Black Argent first . . . and then forced him to lie on the floor, alive and immobile, so that he could WATCH himself be sliced open into ten strips of bacon.

“Tasty,” you might say.

But actually, contrary to popular belief.  24-year old Hot Black Argents simply aren’t a part of Lizard Thingy’s balanced breakfast.

“Killing may be it’s only purpose,” warns The Vet sagely.

Well . . . it sure isn’t trying to start itself a Lacrosse Team . . .

“That’s gonna cost you extra.”

Now, based on what we’ve learned so far, about our pal, Lizard Thingy, he seems to have a real penchant for killing Hot 24-year Old Blue Collar types . . . and Dawson Leery’s Dad.

We meet Victim Number 3 at an Auto Body Shop, where he’s fleecing poor Stiles out of his hard-earned cash to fix the latter’s rat trap of a car.

Like Hot Black Argent, Victim #3, a former high school lacrosse player, of course, is sexy, in a kind of Douchey Grease Monkey sort of way.  In fact, if this was a different type of show, he’d probably end up being The Lead, as opposed to The Guy Who Ends Up with a Car on His Torso.

As Stiles storms out of the shop, he makes the mistake of putting his hand on the door handle .  . . something I learned not to do in any public place, without a paper towel, when I was like five.

Seriously!  Door handles are nasty.  Have you ever watched one of those news programs, where they swab them for germs?  Put it this way, your hands would be cleaner, after fondling a toilet seat in a gas station . . .

Anywhoo . . . this door handle is particularly unsanitary, because it contains Lizard Thingy Cooties, which render Stiles’ ten little fingers completely immobile.  (Though, honestly, I only remember him touching the door with one hand.)

Though Stiles won’t be doing the Robot Dance, anytime soon.  He’s got it easy.  Douchey Grease Monkey, alas, will suffer a far worse fate.  He gets the Full Lizard Thingy Neck Massage, and can do nothing but stare up at the sky sadly, as the last piece of crap car,  he will ever work on crushes him from below.  Ouch!

“It should have been a Lexus.” 

Somehow, Stiles manages to dial 911, with uncooperative fingers, but not before he gets to have a little Meet and Greet with Lizard Thingy, who pops by to say Howdy.  He’s a really sociable dude, that Lizard Thingy . . .

Grandpa Not-John McCain wants you to trust him . . .

You ever notice how much Granpoppy Argent resembles a certain aging former U.S. presidential candidate?

In fact, were it not for the occasional Irish brogue slipping into his dialogue, I’d probably assume that the Senator was moonlighting as a werewolf hunter on MTV . . .

Allison is sneaking out of the house to meet Scott, because she got his Very Secret Message Written in Car Window Sweat.

Those crazy kids and their new fangled technology!  Personally, if I was sneaking out for a late night leg humping session with my doggie boyfriend, I’d probably opt for an old fashioned form of secret communication . .  . like a text message . . . but that’s just me.

Grandpoppy Not-John McCain catches Allison on her way to meet Scott, and impedes her progress, long enough for Scott to look all sad and emo, as he stares off into the stars . . . alone. 

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But back to Grandpoppy and Allison.  There’s just something about the way these Argent’s communicate.  One second they are all smiles, and nostalgic stories about the past .  . . the next, they are barking in your ear about things like “trust” and “conviction” with crazy pants, “I’m gonna eat you with a side salad, and a glass of milk,” looks in their eyes.  Then, just as quickly, they are smiling again.

“I never should have gotten involved with that crazy Palin women.  Oops.  Sorry, umm . . . what’s my line again?” 

In short, if I was an Argent like Allison, I’d probably wish I was adopted .  . .

“I think it knew me.”

Back at the Crime Scene, Stiles isn’t quite ready to tell his Sheriff Dad that the Lizard Thingy ate his car repair man.  But Sheriff Stilinski knows his son well enough to know he’s hiding something, and gives him one of “those looks.”  If you have a dad, you know exactly what kind of Look I’m talking about.

Nope . . . not that one . . .

That’s the one . . .

Suffice it to say, if I was Allison Argent, not only would I want to be adopted, I’d want to be adopted into Stiles’ family.  Because his dad’s just a super sweet heart, who genuinely cares for his son.  No Crazy Eyes on that one!

When Scott picks Stiles up from the scene (The latter’s car has been impounded as evidence, due to it’s having Bits of Douchey Grease Monkey slathered across it’s underbelly), Stiles describes his experience to his friend in detail, admitting that Lizard Thingy seemed to . . . know Stiles personally.

Worst Werewolves EVER!

You ever watch one of those sports movies, with the ragtag bunch of loser athletes, who can’t play for crap for the first hour and the half of the film, but suddenly pull it together just in time for the Big Game?  Well Derek’s Wolf Pack is kind of like those guys . . . only less inspiring.

We watch as Lame-o Isaac, and even Lamer-O Erica try in vain to attack Derek, only to have him boredly swat them away with his hand, like pesky flies.

Boyd, of course, doesn’t have to play.  He just gets to watch.  Teacher’s Pet!

Since Werewolf Erica’s weapons of choice seem to be her boobs and her tongue, she tries to shove the latter down Derek’s throat to distract him.

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Though I can’t say I blame the girl for trying . . .

. . . this whole one-note, “I’m suddenly hot, so now I throw myself at everything with a weiner,” thing is getting a bit old.

Derek doesn’t seem to think so though.  Though he rejects Erica’s advances (but only after making out with her for three glorious minutes) . . .

. . . he informs her that he has “someone else in mind for her.”  My initial thought is that Derek is going to have Erica seduce either Scott or Stiles, in hopes of indoctrinating them into his Lame Leather Wearing Wolf Pack.  but since both men seem 100% immune to her charms, I’m hoping his plan is a bit more clever than that . . .

After all, the new Alpha has a Lizard Thingy to defeat, and Argents to overcome.  This is really no time to play a werewolf version of The Bachelorette . . .

“What’s your brand of psychosis?”

Here’s something we learned about Lydia.  She is NOT a morning person.  Breaking mirrors with your bear hands isn’t exactly the sign of a well-adjusted teen.

“Why can’t I just blame my crazy on PMS, like everyone else?”

No wonder Lydia’s mom, a.k.a. Tyler Lockwood’s mom, wants her to see the school shrink, a.k.a Witch Emily / Maya from Pretty Little Liars, who’s actually playing a character that’s her own age, for a change.

“Please don’t kill me off.  They always kill me off on these teen shows . . . usually around the same time they learn that I’m 40 22.” 

 While waiting to have her head shrunk, Lydia gets hit on by creepy dude, who’s sole purpose for being in this episode seems to be as Lizard Thingy Suspect Number 5.

Hey, any of you guys ever watch The O.C.?  Remember Psycho Oliver?  Yeah, Marissa met him outside a shrink’s office too  . . . 

In side shrinky-poo’s office, Lydia notes that sometimes the people closest to you can hold you back the most.

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 Shrinkypoo wants to know who told her that, but Lydia doesn’t remember.  My guess is that these Very Important Words of Wisdom come from her good pal, Uncle Alpha . . . a.k.a the guy who’s been traipsing around her mind with his gross gnarly feet for the past three or so episodes . . .

Elsewhere, Stiles is telling Scott how much he loves him, and how sorry he is about missing their date last night.

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 It’s about time those two admitted their unspoken passion for one another.

But wait . . . just kidding.  He’s delivering a message for Allison . . . the Juliet to Scott’s Puppy Romeo.

There’s a running joke in the episode where Stiles has to keep dashing back and forth delivering messages between Scott and Allison, because apparently, they can’t trust those pesky Argents not to go through their cell phones.

In addition to delivering messages of love, Stiles also needs to pass along messages about the Elusive “Bestiary,” (not to be confused with Bestiality, though I wouldn’t put that past the Argents’ either), i.e. a Werewolf Hunter Diary that describes all sorts of mythical creatures . . . like say . . . Lizard Thingys with Hard Ons for teenage boys, like Stiles.

Ultimately, the threesome decide that in order to obtain said book, Allison must obtain Granpoppy Not McCain’s office keys during the Big Lacrosse Game, and pass them off to Stiles, so that he can search the premises, while Grandpoppy is “otherwise occupied.”  Hmmm . . . this storyline sounds mighty familiar.  Remember last seasons’ Big Bad Werewolf book?  Who knew those Argents were so gosh darn literary?

Because Jackson is EVERYONE’S TYPE . . .

After his Adventures in Car Lifting, Jackson has grown suspicious of that boring ass sex tape he made of himself . . . you know . . . the one ended up showing him doing nothing more than having a few wet dreams over the course of his allotted 7.5 hours of “beauty rest.”

Danny is confused by his supposedly heterosexual pals repeated entreaties that Danny watch the video.   “I’ve told you, you’re not my type,” explains Danny, who, as we know, tends to prefer his men swarthier and more . . . Derek-esque.

But Jackson thinks he’s everyone’s type.

So, Danny commandeers Creepy Photographer Guy to watch the video with him.  What they find is what many of us suspected in the first place.  As it turns out, Jackson’s tape has been manipulated to loop in on itself over and over again.  In other words, two hours of live footage are missing from the tape.

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This pretty much scraps Jackson’s Lizard Thingy Alibi . . . except, I don’t think he did it.  For one thing, he’s way too stupid .  . .

My money’s still on Photographer Guy as the footage-doctoring culprit (though, I guess “computer whiz” Danny could have done it too).  But why?  The most obvious reason would be to make Jackson eventually come to THINK he’s Lizard Thingy . . . but who would want to do that, aside from Lizard Thingy himself?  Ah, the plot . . . it’s thickening . . .

“The bigger they are, the BIGGER THEY ARE!”

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It’s time for Teen Wolf’s obligatory Lacrosse Match.  The whole cast is there . . . Creepy Photographer Guy, Jackson, Danny, Stiles, Scott, Allison, Grandpoppy Not-McCain.  Even the wolf pack has come to watch (minus Fugitive Isaac, of course).  For her part, Allison manages to wrangle her Grandpa’s keys, by using the old “I’m a girl, and I’m cold.  Be a gentleman and lend me your jacket.” trick.

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What girl hasn’t used that one before, huh?

Interestingly enough, despite the fact that Beacon Hills’ Lacrosse Team is getting to the point where it has more Werewolves on it than Humans, they are LOSING . . . BADLY .  . . and all because of some big Hulk of a guy, called the “Abomination.”  (Golly gee!  That’s the name of this episode!)

“I’m just pissed off, because I’m on a team called The Beavers.”

Abomination keeps knocking all members of the opposing team unconscious, leaving Coach Crackhead a player short.  His solution: get someone from the stands to play.  And I bet you will never guess who?

“Because Heaven forbid a male character on this show NOT play lacrosse.” 

It’s Boyd!  The Wolf Man With the Plan.  And wouldn’t you know it?  He gets to be just like Scott, after all, pummeling the entire lacrosse field like a champ, despite having never played the sport . . . ever.  And, of course, no one on the field seems to notice his Big Yellow Glowing Eyes . . . probably because half the team has them . . .

“Like jock straps, demon eyes are an essential part of the team uniform.” 

Grandpoppy Not-John McCain thinks this game is a bit violent for his tastes.  He much prefers nice calm games, like Chess, Checkers, and Cut the Werewolf in Half with a Carving Knife . . .

Lydia is Pretty Crier.  How nice for her . . . (especially considering she does it in every episode).

On his way to Not-John McCain’s office, Stiles runs into a tearful Lydia in the parking lot.  Ever the charmer, Stiles tells Lydia she looks beautiful when she cries . . .

. . . and offers her a petite, but surprisingly well-toned shoulder to cry on.  Lydia seems about ready to take Stiles up on his offer.

Unfortunately, Stiles has some bestiality to take care of, first . . . (Wait . . . I got that wrong again, didn’t I?)

Just like the Gremlins . . . Lizard Thingy doesn’t want to get wet . . .

Stiles is looking for Bestiality .  . . er . . . I mean the Bestiary.  Erica catches him, and brings him to the pool for a nice little swim / chat with Master Derek.  They discuss Stiles’ experience at the Auto Body shop, where Stiles noticed several EPA violations, and one Big Green Scaley Dude straight out of an old Japanese Horror Flick.

Speaking of Big Green Scaley Dude, his ears must have been burning, because he shows up for the party too!  And as we all know, their ain’t no party, like a Lizard Thingy party!

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Like I said, Lizard Thingy clearly has a thing for hot 24-year olds.  So, while it growls at Stiles, and harmlessly bats at Lydia, it’s Derek, who gets the paralytic neck massage, and ends up taking a flying leap into the pool.

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 A now immobilized Derek pleads for Stiles to call Scott.  But ever the unlikely hero, Stiles opts instead to dive into the water and rescue Derek.

The two swim arm-and arm-for hours (well . . .one swims, the other just sort of “hangs out”), as the conveniently water leery Lizard Thingy circles the pool, clearly anxious.  (Now, we know it’s not Jackson!  That guy LOOOOOVES the water . . . Unless, of course, he knows from experience that water will revert him back to his human form . . . hmmmm.)

Yes, Team Sterek . . . this entire scene was written JUST FOR YOU GUYS!  Forget, Lydia and her gorgeous crying, bring on the thinly-veiled homoeroticism!

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(Speaking of lovely ladies, what the heck was Queen Erica doing during all this time? Painting her toenails?)

“I was hungry.” 

Eventually, after a few hours of sexually tense water treading, Stiles and Derek get into a bit of a pissing contest, to determine who’d be better at saving the other one’s life.  Stiles eventually wins, by letting Derek drop into the pool like a rag doll, while he makes a mad dash for the phone to call Hero Scott.  Don’t worry!  He picks him up again.

Turns out, in addition to his solid rock climbing skills, Stiles is also a pretty kick ass swimmer.  I’m telling you.  He’s SPIDERMAN!

Meanwhile, back at the Lacrosse Game . . .

“Sorry about your  almost-broken bones!  Maybe a nice awkward family dinner with the people who want you dead, will make you feel better.”

Just when it seems like Bad Boyd might blow the wolfy lid off his Secret Identity, Scott distracts the crowd, by scoring a relatively human-looking point for the team.  So, of course, the Abomination tackles him.  And of course, right under the watchful eyes of Grandpoppy Not-McCain, Scott heals a very obviously broken leg bone, just by standing on it.

Grandpoppy is clearly impressed . . . so impressed that he invites Scott to his supposedly ex-girlfriend’s house for dinner, despite the fact that the lacrosse game is still going on.  (No worries!  Coach Crackhead can just get another werewolf from the crowd to play in Scott’s place.  The town is literally crawling with them.)

Ah . . . Dinner with Argents . . . it brings back such memories . . . like that time Scott got caught searching for bullets in Kate’s room, and ended up having to tell Allison’s parents he was stealing condoms, instead.  Awesome!

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I have to say, I sided with Grandpoppy Not- McCain on this one, watching the Argents squirm awkwardly, while Grandpoppy openly inquired why Scott and Allison weren’t still boning on a regular basis was kind of awesome.

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“I pretend to hate you, but really, I just want to lick you like a lollipop.” 

And the old guy just seemed to be having such a great time too!

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Eventually, Scott and Allison excuse themselves to go search Grandpoppy’s room for the Bestiality . . . er . . . I mean the Bestiary, and wind up finding a cook book instead.  (I don’t know, maybe their one in the same.  I wouldn’t put it past Not-McCain to pan fry a few werewolves and vampires, and slather them with barbeque sauce.)

But then Scott gets his S.O.S. message from Stiles, annnnd . . . leaves him to die, so he can hang out with Allison some more.  Now, that’s a good friend.

Fortunately, for Stiles, Scott has other business to attend to at the school, business that involves a USB drive on Grandpoppy’s key chain that may contain the Bestiary.  (Pretty tech savvy for an old guy, right?)  So, it looks like our favorite Wolf/Human duo will get rescued after all . . .

Wolfy Scott pulls Team Sterek out of the water just in time to face off against Lizard Thingy, who prompty tosses our hero into some glass.  Thinking fast, Scott holds up one of the shards as a weapon.

“Prepare to get shanked, Gecko from Geico!”

So, you can imagine the Wolf Pup’s shock when Lizard Thingy gets one look at his ugly mug, and runs away crying.  (But was it “a beautiful cry,” Stiles?)

“Don’t look at me.  I’m hideous!” 

I can’t say I blame it.  Lizard Thingy needs to moisturize . . .

Safe and sound, outside the school, Derek tells Scott Lizard Thingy’s name, it’s Kainaima.  Has a nice ring to it, don’t you think?  Scott things the whole Scooby Gang (Argents included) should band together to bring it down.  But Derek’s not down with that.  He wants to kill it himself.

Say what?  What happened to your whole “join or die / we can’t do it alone” mentality, Hot Stuff?  Did the paralytic toxin freeze part of your brain too?

Tsk, tsk Derek.  It’s a good thing, you’re so darn pretty . . .

In the final scene of the episode, Grandpoppy corners Scott, and knives him in the gut.  Now Pappy!  Is that any way to treat your future Grandwolf-in-Law?

“Wait . . . before you leave me here to bleed all over the floor, check out my impersonation of an old man.  Pretty good, right?” 

Until next time, Werebangers!

[www.juliekushner.com][Fangirls Forever]

“I wanna be like you” – A Recap of Teen Wolf’s “Ice Pick’

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Best . . .  gynecologist appointment . . . EVER! 

How’s it hanging, Werebangers?

This week on Teen Wolf, we got a little lesson in “family values.”  Every family has some . . . even the really awful ones.  For example, if you’re an Argent, you value the Code, and cutting things in half . . .

. . . even if those “things” happen to be your own arm.

You also value that oh-so-fun family trip to the Gas Station, where you bound and gag one another to chairs, while you taunt eachother using that machine that makes your voice sound like the Ghost Face Killer from Scream.  Conversely, if you are part of Derek’s werepack, you value ice skating . . . and Derek . . . and . . .  well, so far, that seems to be about it.

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Let’s review the episode, shall we?

(As always . . . the awesome screencaps are all Andre’s.  The boring words are all me!)

“Would you like a complimentary window-washing with that kidnapping?”

Oh those Wacky Argents!  They sure know how to have a good time!  We begin the episode by joining Allison Argent at a rather familiar looking gas station.

Feel free to correct me if I’m wrong, but I think we’ve spent more time at the gas station on this show, then we’ve spent at Stiles house . . . or even Scott’s house for that matter.  (I guess the set’s a bit cheaper.)

We know right away that something VERY BAD is about to happen to Allison.  After all, why else would we spend three minutes of a preciously limited-time episode, watching her fill up her gas tank?  This isn’t reality TV!

Allison’s not entirely alone.  There’s a hot African American guy at the station, who seems to be checking out Allison.   I only mention that he’s African American, because he’s the first African American “Argent” we’ve seen.

But more on him, in a bit . . .

The lights go at the station, and Allison, sensing danger, rushes back inside her car.  (Did she pay?  I hope she paid!  Gas station attendants have to feed their children too you know . . . even the gas station attendants who work at fake movie set gas stations.)  It’s  too late though, she gets tackled by someone in a black hoodie . . . the official uniform of Bad Guys in Teen Shows everywhere.

Allison awakens in some sort of a woodshed near the handy dandy gas station.  She’s bound and gagged to a rather uncomfortable looking wooden chair . . . though I guess any chair would be uncomfortable, if you were bound and gagged to it.

Kinky! 

Her father is facing her, looking similarly screwed.

“Happy Father’s Day!”

A disembodied voice taunts the pair, while they struggle to get unbound.

Ghost Face Killer voice poses an interesting question, especially in light of all the different responses we’ve been seeing to one single Alpha Wolfbite, this season.  Namely, what happens to an Argent, when he or she gets bitten  . . . you know, aside from the fact that her family disowns her, and may or may not try to cut her in half, while she hangs from a tree.  Would her body reject the bite, like Jackson’s seems to be doing?  Would she experience wacky hallucinations, like Lydia?  Or would she just become your garden variety werewolf, like Scott and now Isaac?

Unfortunately, we don’t get to learn the answer to that question, because Papa Argent breaks out of his binding, like he’s that magician dude, Criss Angel.  He smiles and bows.  Then, the Hot Black Argent returns, carrying an iPhone with a Ghost Face Killer voice app.

Allison Argent . . .

“Is this how we’re doing daddy-daughter talks from now on?”  Allison pouts.

Probably.  But the purpose of this little fun gathering was “training.”  Papa Argent quizzes Allison on some basic werewolf fighting techniques, and informs her that the Argent family is a matriarchal society.   The men kill, and the women “lead” . . . and also kill.  Hooray, for feminism . . . I guess.  Hot Black Argent sets the timer on his iPhone, as he and Daddy A, exit stage left, while Allison uses the tip of an arrow to cut herself free.

She does it in two and a half hours.  And Hot Black Argent, who’s been waiting for her, all this time, thinks that’s just awesome.  It took him three hours during his “training.”  Unfortunately for Hot Black Argent, that extra half hour, might have caused him his life.  We see some snake like thingy, that may or may not be the Lizard Thingy from last week, trip him up, and nip him in the neck.

“This is the part, where I point my gun out in front of me, even though it’s quite obvious that my attacker is making his move from below.” 

Then, in a distance, we see . . . the claws.  Oh, Hot Black Argent, we barely knew yee . . .

Hitting the Wall

We’re in gym class now.  Allison is kicking ass on the rock climbing wall, while flirting with her beau Scott, to boot.

“Stop looking at my bum.  You dirty bum looker!” 

Who knew the littlest Argent possessed so many talents, aside from making out with Scott, and busting out of faux-kidnapping situations faster than Hot Black Argent?  Allison knocks Scott off the wall, and everyone laughs, especially Coach Crackpot.

Next up is Stiles and New Character Erica.  New Character Erica kind of looks Drew Barrymore’s character from all those flashbacks in the movie Never Been Kissed . . . and not just because she’s probably a 25 year old playing a teenager . . . but because she’s clearly an attractive girl that the costume designers have tried really hard to “ugly up” for character development purposes.

In other news, Stiles is like the best wallclimber ever.  He trounced Scott and Allison, and nobody noticed.

Who knew he had that in him.  Maybe Stiles IS secretly Spiderman, after all . . .

But back to New Character Erica, she has a little panic attack on the wall.  Allison informs Coach Crackpot that she’s epileptic, and he lets her come down.  No big deal right?  You know that’s not the end of that story.

Back in the locker room, Scott and Stiles gossip about their upcoming evening plans.   While they talk, Stiles takes off his shirt, a sight which is conveniently hidden by an open locker.

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I’m starting to be convinced that Stiles naked body is like Neighbor Wilson’s mouth on that old show Home Improvement.  They are going to taunt us with the idea of it, constantly.  But never actually show it to us.

Scott then gets a weird shaking feeling in his hand.  Turns out, New Character Erica had the dumb idea to return to the rock climb on her own, and with out a harness.  And then . . . wait for it . . . she suffers a seizure, and falls off the wall.  Scott catches her, before she hits the ground.  “My hero!”

“They always make this look a lot easier in the superhero movies.” 

Allison, who runs back into the gym with a bunch of other girls wants to know how Scott knew New Character Erica was in trouble.   I want to know how Allison and the other girls knew . . . but that’s just me.

Perhaps, Erica’s seizures made the entire school shake . . . kind of like that T-Rex in Jurassic Park. 

Scott says “he just felt it.”  Because apparently,  being a wolf allows you to sense other people’s epileptic seizures.  Groovy!

Now we’re at the hospital.  Scott’s mom is telling New Character Erica that she still has hot legs, despite being a mom.  It’s always about YOU, isn’t it, Mama McCall?

“Don’t worry, Erica.  Some day soon, you too will be able to play a mom on a teen show, who has nice legs.” 

Mommy leaves soon after.  Then Derek, who’s dressed in a super sexy grey tank top, appears to wheel New Character Erica to the morgue.  (I guess he “felt” her too.)

DEREK TO ANDRE:  “Hey!  You cropped out my sexy tank top.  What gives, buddy?” 

 Again . . . this hospital has the Worst Security Ever.  You would think, after the whole Alpha Thing, that Derek would at least have to don a pair of scrubs to gain access to patients rooms.  But noooo . . . I guess hot people like Derek can do whatever the f*&k they please, just because they wear droolworthy grey tank tops.

Derek seduces Erica, which isn’t that hard, considering he’s Derek . . .

He reminds her how crappy her life is, because she has epilepsy, by reading her the side effects of the medication she’s clearly not taking.  At least now we know why she’s not taking it.  Derek offers her a better life, then, presumably gives her a nice big ole fang-making stomach hickey, when she accepts.

“Golly.  I sure do wish MTV could afford to put red eye reduction on its camera lenses.” 

It seems we are learning more and more “cool things” about werewolves with each passing episode . .  . like the fact that becoming a werewolf seems to cure human diseases.

But what about diseases to which animals are susceptible?  Like rabies.  I mean, you could argue that the werewolves on this show, act like they have rabies already.   So, getting it again is no big deal.

I’m getting off track again.  What’s important is this . . . New Character Erica has just become the newest member of Derek’s wolf pack.  Umm . . . yay?

Speaking of cures .  . .

The Healing Qualities of Sex with Lydia

In biology glass, Jackson learns about vaccines, and decides that all those times he’s schtupped Lydia, over the past few months, have rendered him “immune” to werewolfism.

“Daydreaming of Wolfy.” 

This is probably the first time, Jackson actually successfully applied something he learned in class to his real life . . . you know, aside from that time in Sex Education, where the kids practiced putting condoms, on small, shriveled rotten bananas . . .

Out in the hallway, Jackson screams at Lydia because her Super Vag has apparently ruined his life.

“You killed my inner wolf with your magic winky, AND you made me watch The Notebook.  You are like SOOO evil!”

Then, she runs off to the bathroom to cry.

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 I don’t know.  If I had a Super Vag, that made asshats like Jackson have a miserable life, I sure as heck wouldn’t be crying.  In fact, I’d be doing this . . .

Anyway, while Lydia’s weeping in the bathroom, a pair of really gnarly bare feet can be seen from outside the stall.  Wow, you must be some kind of idiot to walk around barefoot in a public restroom . . . especially a girl’s public restroom.  Do you have any idea what kind of crap ends up on that floor?  Forget Athlete’s Foot.  We’re talking Athlete’s Gangrene!

All dogs may, in fact, go to Heaven.  But clearly, they don’t offer pedicures there. 

Of course, by the time Lydia emerges from the potty.  (She didn’t even wash her hands!)

Big Foot is gone.  But wait, he’s walking around the school, checking out Peter Hale’s old athletic trophies.  So, Lydia isn’t actually seeing Dead People.  She’s just seeing Dead Peter.

As far as Super Powers, that’s kind of a lame one, don’t you think.  Now, having a Super Vag, on the other hand . . .

The “Fa” Sound

We’re starting to piece together what Scott and Stiles’ Fabulous Secret Plans are.   They  apparently involve a set of keys that only New Character Boyd possesses.  I immediately like Boyd, because he’s a loner, who knows how to negotiate.

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$50 for a single set of keys is kind of pricey!  So, you can understand why a poor soul like Stiles, wants to whittle the asking price down to twenty.  “The price is fifty, with the Fa sound,” Boyd repeats, unmoved.

It’s like Sesame Street.  This episode has apparently been brought to you by the letter “F.”

As in Stiles is totally f*&ked, if he thinks he can get those keys for less than half the asking price.

“As in Forty?”  Stiles tries again.  (At least he has the Fa sound right this time.)

But Boyd is unmoved.  Ultimately, Stiles coughs up the cash.  That’s a lot of money for a high school student!  What kind of allowance is Sheriff Stilinski giving his son?

Speaking of things that make you go “Fa,” New Character / New Wolf Erica, makes her grand slo mo entrance into the cafeteria, complete with background music that basically consists of the word “Hot,” repeated over and over again.  (Because that’s not too obvious at all!)

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Speaking of cliches, she eats someone’s apple off his table.  I think there’s supposed to be some Adam and Eve reference there.

But to me, that’s just plain RUDE!

Erica then leaves school, and rides off into the sunset with Derek.

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Hmm . . . I wonder if, when they screw, it’s in wolf form, or human.  These are the things I think about, while I watch Teen Wolf. . .

After this, we get two little seemingly random scenes, both of which will have more importance later.  In the first, Scott tries to broach the whole “werewolf discussion” topic with The Vet, who demures, and ends up giving Scott a raise instead.  Then Papa Argent asks Allison to “look out” for Lydia, i.e. find out if she’s a wolf, so Grandpa can hack open her body . . . ah . . . friendship!

ALLISON: “You would look SOOO pretty with your appendages cut off!” 

LYDIA:  “You really think so?  That’s SO sweet!”

It’s a Petercicle!

Armed with Boyd’s keys, Scott, Stiles, Lydia and Allison head off to the old ice hockey rink for “Date Night.”  We watch Stiles’ adorably awkward seduction techniques, as he plies Lydia with ugly orange jackets and Reeses Peanut Butter Cups.  (Hello, Product Placement.)

“Hi boys.  You should TOTALLY buy Reeses Peanut Butter Cups, because they will help you get laid by girls like me.” 

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Stiles seems to think he’s striking out, but us females know that Lydia’s seeming ambivalence toward Stiles is starting to crack at the surface.  In other words, he’s growing on her in a big way  . . .

We are then treated to some “cutesy skating montage scenes.”

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Then Lydia has another freak out, because she hallucinates wolfsbane (pretty)  .  . .

and Peter  (not so much) growing out of the ice  . . .

“Hey girlfriend.  Got an extra Reeses Peanut Butter Cup for your old pal Petey?”

“I guess that’s a no?” 

If this was a different show, I’d say Lydia was simply suffering from a serious case of PTSD.  But there’s clearly something wolfy going on here . . .

Speaking of something wolfy . . .

B*tches ARE CRAZY!

In the hallway at school, Scott tries to get Erica to tell him, who’s the next lucky candidate for Team Derek’s Hickey of Dreams.  Erica doesn’t answer, instead she aggressively hits on Scott, while Allison looks on pouting.

*Pouts* “Maybe if I got hairy every full moon, Scott would look at ME that way.” 

 It kind of makes you wonder if Derek chose Erica, specifically, because he thought her Little Lost Girl with Epilepsy Story would lure Scott away from Allison.  And it might have worked too.  After all, Scott has always been a sucker for a damsel in distress, and Allison certainly isn’t that.

What Derek probably didn’t count on, was that Wolf Erica would undergo a complete personality transformation, upon being bitten, and start channeling Lindsay Lohan, in that awful movie where she plaid the dead stripper.  Also, if two pack members screw, isn’t that kind of like incest?

Speaking of aggressively unlikeable ladies, Allison’s Bat Sh*t Crazy Alien-Looking Mom finds a love letter from Scott in Allison’s books, and then proceeds to SLICE A BIG FAT HOLE IN HER ARM WITH A KNIFE, just so that she can have an excuse to interrogate Scott’s mom at the hospital.

“Hmm . . . I wonder if these knives need to be sharpened again.” 

“Yep, definitely need to be sharpened . . .”

I don’t know.  To me, that seems like a lot of pain for not much reward.  Scott’s mom basically doesn’t tell Allison’s mom anything she (or we) don’t already know.  When you really think about it, aside from being super creepy, it was kind of a useless scene.  (And seriously, is Scott’s mom the ONLY nurse in this place?  No wonder Scott can run around every night, in faux canine form, without his mom suspecting anything!  She’s always working!)

“But I thought all teenage boys ran on all fours and barked at the moon!” 

Snow Dogs on Ice!

Back at school (The time jumps in this episode are making my head spin.), Scott and Stiles find New Character Boyd’s lunch table empty, and they know right away, because he must be the new pack recruit.  (Why?  Can’t a guy have a sick day?)  Stiles finds Scott impulsive need to save every wolf man in Beacon Hills very sexy . . . stupid . . . but sexy.  “Can we just try to make out for a few minutes?”  Stiles asks hopefully . . .

Now, THAT’S something I’d like to see . . .

Elsewhere, Jackson tries to confront Derek at his Crapbox House, only to be accosted by a boatload of Argents with guns.  I’m thinking someone’s going to need a dry pair of pants, after that experience.

Back at the rink, Stiles and Scott find Boyd driving the Zamboni, which is pretty much the most awesome high school job you can have EVER.

“I sure am one bad mamma jamma!”

Scott tries to convince Boyd that Being a Wolf is BAAAAAAAD, which prompts Derek and his new pack of puppies to pop out, and illustrate the other side of the debate.

Meet the Douche Squad. 

Eventually, all this philosophizing starts to get really dull.  And that’s when things really pick up.  I smell a WOLF FIGHT.  Wolfy Scott literally wipes the icy floor with Isaac and Erica.

Naptime for wolfy . . .

 (I guess Slippy Scott got that “balance”problem on the ice straightened out.)

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 But then Derek wolfs out, and promptly wipes the floor with Scott, thus proving that all is fair in love and werewolfism.

“Dammit!  Why do I always miss out on the good stuff?”

Once he regains consciousness, Scott makes one final plea with Boyd to stay on Team Human.  But it’s too late.  Boyd lifts up his shirt, and there, clear as day is his tummy hickey.  But Boyd assures Scott that he doesn’t want to be just another member of the pack, like LAME Isaac and Erica.  He wants to be like SCOTT . . . a lone wolf.  Except, then he follows Derek off into the sunset like an obedient puppy, thereby proving he’s exactly like Isaac and Erica . . .

Now, that’s faaaaa  . . . ucked up.

In other news, Hot Black Argent finds himself on The Vet’s table, as a seriously mutilated corpse.  I’m betting HE wishes he had Derek’s Hickey of Dreams Right now.

Dinner is served! 

 Bites from that Lizard Thing just aren’t as sexy.  Upon seeing this, The Vet decides it’s time he had that Werewolf Birds and Bees talk with employee Scott, after all . . .

Smart choice.

Oh, and I almost forgot.  Jackson can lift up cars with his bare hands now.

How nice for him.  I guess Lydia’s Super Vag isn’t quite as effective as we once thought . . . go figure.

Until next time, Werebangers!

[www.juliekushner.com][Fangirls Forever]

The Graveyard Shift – A Recap of Teen Wolf’s “Omega” and “Shape Shifted”

[I didn’t forget about you, my Pretties!  A recap for Pretty Little Liars’ “It Happened That Night” should be up within the next 24-hours.  I promise to try and make it extra special snarky, and screencappy, so that (hopefully) it will be worth the wait.]

 

Welcome back, Werebangers!  With a brand new, more than a bit porn-y, opening sequence . . .

. . .  and a slew of new characters on both sides of the werewolf / hunter divide, Teen Wolf’s actors and writers have promised that this season will be sexier, darker, gorier, and more frightening than the last. So, of course, this begs the question:  Did the first two episodes deliver?

Let’s review, shall we?

(As always, I’d like to offer a hearty were-banging thank you to my good pal Andre, for the awesome screencaps you see here . . . particularly the shirtless ones. ;))

-OMEGA-

Slippery When Wet

Jackson waits, while a school of female fish shove dollar bills in his underpants.

One thing can be said for the writers of Teen Wolf . . . they sure do know their audience.  Opening the episode with a wet, ripped-shirted Jackson, emerging from a river, in all his rippling pectoral glory, was an absolutely ingenious move.

 “Here’s the bite that I knew was there all along, but I’m going to pretend to be surprised about, so that you can look at my arm muscles, while I flex.”

In fact, I bet 98% of viewers were so aroused by the sight, they completely failed to realize that it had no significance to the plot, whatsoever.  Then again, lizards / shapeshifters enjoy the water . . . Like I said . . . brilliant.

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You know what was slightly less brilliant?  This . .  .

“Weeeeeeeeeee!”

Scott Receives an Ultimatum / Gets the Runs

Poor Scott!  Only you (and some REALLY bad CGI graphics) can make the sight of a wolf-in-heat, rushing to hump his prime mate,  look like a constipated crab on acid.

“Doh!”

On one hand, I truly appreciated the effort the producers put into this scene.  It would have been much easier for them to go with the tried and true “Superman Effect,” in attempting to illustrate that Scott . . . um . . . runs fast, now that he’s lupine.  But we’ve all seen that before.  I can guarantee that you’ve never seen this.  So, it was something new . . . new and unintentionally hilarious.  But new, nonetheless.

We interuppt this Constipated Crab Moment to bring you a flashback  . .  one that presumably takes place in the not-too-distant past, but definitely after the events of the season finale.  Scott and Alli are hard at work sucking face in Alli’s car.  (At least, I think it’s Alli’s.  Scott still doesn’t have his own wheels, right?)

ALLISON” “Uh, Scott?  I don’t know how to tell you this, but you kind of have dog breath.”

SCOTT:  “Sorry.  I ate a squirrel on the way over here.”

All of the suddden, Papa Arent rips Scott out of the car by his shirt, and pins him violently against the hood of the car, pressing the barrel of a gun right into his skin.

Foreplay?

My first instinct was to think that this was a really dumb move on Daddy’s part.  After all, threatening a horny werewolf like that is the surest way of getting your cajones chewed off.  Then, I remembered that getting Scott to lash out is precisely Papa Argent’s modus operandi, just as it was with Derek, last season . . .

“Make . . . my . . . day . . . White Fang!”

One show of fang from Scott, would be all it took to permit Daddy to blow the former’s brain’s out under his so called “Argent Family Code of Honor.”  But, Code or no Code, having a gun in your face, or in the face of your boyfriend .  .  . well .  . . it kind of sucks.  And I suspect it’s that generalized suckiness that prompts Allison to tearfully cut a deal with her father, while remind the latter that this not-so big, not-all-that-bad, wolf had actually saved both father and daughter’s life, in the not-so-distant past.

“I’ll never see [Scott] again,” promises the girl who goes to school with Scott, has a locker fairly close to his, and even, if I recall correctly, shares a couple of classes with him.

Papa Argent relucantly agrees to this compromise.  (Papa Argent is kind of a moron . . . but hot, in that scruffy, middle-aged, Poor Man’s George Clooney-kind-of-way.)  Once Daddy-o is safely out of the picture, Scott andd Allison share an angsty hug on the roof of the car, as Allison tries to politely ignore the fact that Scott recently peed himself . . .

Back in Present Day, Scott and his goofy crab legs sneak into Allison’s bedroom windo wfor an impromptu sex session.  (Well,  that didn’t take long .  . . and I mean that in more ways than one.)

Now, don’t get me wrong.  I’m all for watching attractive people hump one another on my television screen.  Who isn’t?

On the other hand, I feel like we get scenes like this, between Scott and Allison just about every other episode.  Not to mention the fact that THEY ALWAYS LOOK EXACTLY THE SAME!  The same location . . . (Allison’s room / bed) . . .  the same fumbling awkwardness to the tune of blaring pop music . . . the same . . .  choreography.  In fact, you could probably cut and paste any Sallison sex scene from any episode, into another episode, without anyone being any the wiser.

From Season 1 

Now, I get that, as far as teen sex goes, monotony and awkwardness, is actually rather realistic.  I just kind of wish that these two would change things up every once in a while . . . you know .  . . for the fans!  For example, have sex in Scott’s house sometimes (His mom DOES work the night shift at the hospital,  after all.), try out a couple of different sexual positions (doggy style?), some rap music (Snoop Dog), a little role playing (Little Red Riding Hood), maybe even some fun costumes (dog collar).

In the couple’s defense, they do happen to be kind of pressed for time.  Not two minutes into the pop song, Mama Argent comes back for where ever the heck she was prior to this moment, and barges into Allison’s room.

SCOTT:  “Do you think we should . . .  I don’t know . . . like invite her to join in?”

ALLISON: “Scott, that’s my MOM!”

SCOTT: “I know.  But I don’t want to be rude!”

To say Mommy Dearest is suspicious of her daughter’s recent behavior is the understatement of the century.

That Mama Argent . . . she sure is one scary b*tch.  From her severe, woman-discharged-from-the-Marines-for-beating-up-her-comrades haircut, to her monotone voice, to those big alien eyes, to the way she not-so-subtly thrashes about Allison’s room opening closets, peeking under beds, and just barely failing to locate the naked Scott, now-hiding on the rooftop . . .

Best Christmas Decoration EVER! 

 . . . I’m pretty sure this was the most frightening scene in the entire episode.  And if you recall, this was an episode where SOME GUY GOT CHOPPED IN HALF!

Nevertheless, Scott somehow manages to escape from the Argent household undetected by the parental units.   He always does!

Meanwhile, over in the hospital . . .

It could have been worse.  She could have opted for a bath . . .

It’s safe to say that less than a week has passed since the events of last season’s finale . . . otherwise, Stiles REALLY needs a shower.  According to Scott’s mom, my loveable little Yoda man has spent every waking minute (and more than a few sleeping ones) holding vigil at Lydia’s hospital bedside, as she recovers from the unfortunate “Alpha Mauling” she suffered, during her prom.

We find our hero, dozing on an uncomfortable chair, and engaging in a rather naughty conversation with some dream girl . . . or maybe boy.

“Oh Derek! You look so good wearing my t-shirt.  Now take it off.” 

“You’re SO dirty,” a sleeping Stiles muses, as a smile creeps across his lips.  “You first.  No, me first?  Well . . .”

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Needless to say, I would PAY to get inside that dream sequence.  As a groggy Stiles awakens to hit the vending machine, we turn our attention to Lydia, who rudely (but wisely . . . we all know what 75% of the parents are like on this show) rejects her father’s offer to help her into the shower.  As our heroine lathers herself,  we notice that the water beneath her feet is becoming increasingly tinged with black goo.  Not cool at all!

Rather than stepping out of the dirty shower and calling an attendant, like most normal people would do in this situation, “self-sufficient” Lydia decides to play plumber, digging into the disgusting drain with her bare hands.  Now, the black water is almost up to her knees.  She brings her hands upward to find piles and piles of  . . . HAIR.  Lydia cries in disgust, but she still doesn’t get out of the tub until SOME DEAD GUYS HAND GRABS AT HER FROM THE DRAIN . . .

Need a hand? 

Cue the screaming . . .

I find it interesting that everyone on the show, including Stiles and Scott (who at this point is miles away) recognizes Lydia’s trademark screams.  Stiles promptly abandons his happy reunion with the Reeses Pieces he freed from that stubborn vending machine, and rushes to his lady love’s side.  But when he and the doctor’s arrive . .  . wait for it . . . she’s gone!  Oh, and the water is sparkling clean and hair free.  Go figure!

Oh, P.S., in her haste to escape the Evil Man Hand, Lydia forgot something very important . . . her clothes.   Way to go, Lady Godiva!

Always the smartest kid in the room, Stiles cleverly snags Lydia’s hospital gown, so that his doggy friend can track down her scent.  Yoda then promptly reunites with Allison the Werewolf Slayer and Teen Wolf,  in hopes of finding Lydia before the Argents do.  The image of  Scott riding with his head out the window like a Golden Retriever, sniffing the wind, will likely stay etched in my memory forever.  In fact, I think it’s some of the best acting we’ve seen Tyler Posey do, since this show started.  No joke.

“It’s hard to smell Lydia in the middle of all this gasoline and roadkill.” 

Meanwhile, over at Kate Argent’s grave . . .

Pet Cemetery

Some teenager is operating a crane to dig the hole in the ground that will eventually include the body of Kate Argent.  We know this teenager is important, because he’s attractive.  And no attractive faces go to waste on this show.  (By the way, what kind of cemetery hires a 16-year old to operate heavy machinery like that in the middle of the night?  That’s just bad for business.)

“Child labor laws are for wimps.  My little brother delivers newspapers in his diapers.” 

Random Teen Who We Don’t Know Yet, hears a gross munching sound, and finds a werewolf munching on the liver of one of the deceased.

The werewolf notices the teen, and easily upends the crane.  Now, Random Teen We Don’t Know Yet is stuck under a crane in the grave he just dug for Kate Argent, just waiting to be eaten.  But worry not, Random Teen!  Derek is here to rescue you!

This almost makes getting buried alive worth it . . . 

Just hanging out . . .

Elsewhere, Scott’s cute little doggy nose has led his search party to the area outside Derek’s house, sight of . . . well . . . pretty much every bad thing that’s ever happened on this show ever . . . Then again, it’s also where we first got to see this . . .

Stiles finds something he thinks might be a clue.   “Hey!  Is this a trip wire?”  He exclaims excitedly.

And Stiles is supposed to be the Smart One . . . 

Whoops!  Next thing you know, Scott’s hanging from a tree.  Thus, proving that even Yoda makes mistakes.  The Argent hunters arrive shortly thereafter, and some threatening words are exchanged between Scott and Papa Argent.  The latter intimates that he suspects Lydia of being a newly turned werewolf, and if he finds her, he’ll chop her body in half.  What a swell guy!

 I actually think Lydia’s not a wolf, but, rather, a Banshee Death Alarm.  But hey, what do I know?

Jackson’s “Time of the Month”

The following morning, the cops are on the lookout for Lydia and the graverobber who attacked Random Teen and ate some corpse’s liver at a cemetery.  (Could the two be one in the same?)  Stiles dad the Sheriff (Remember him?)  questions Random Teen along with his father, a.k.a. The Guy who played Mitch Leery on Dawson’s Creek.  I swear, Dawson’s dad hasn’t aged a day.  He must be a vampire.

Or the Flash . . . same difference. 

Derek approaches Jackson for help finding Lydia, since (1) the three of them are presumably all part of the same were pack now; and (2) well, Jackson DID date the girl, after all.  But Jackson has no interest in becoming part of any pack OR helping his ex girlfriend not be chopped in half.  Jackson is clearly a total sociopath . . . one who’s mean to homeless hippy werewolves.

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He’s also bleeding profusely out of his nose and ears . . . black blood . . . kind of like the stuff Lydia found in her shower.

Ease up on the coke . . . man.

Some might say that getting a female period in your nose is the price you pay for being an asshat.  But Derek clearly has a bigger heart than I do.  He looks legitimately worried for Jackson, when he tells the latter that the excessive bleeding is a sign that his body is rejecting the werewolf bite.

“Your face may be all f*&ked up.  But you’re ass is clearly open for business.”

This, of course, begs two questions: (1) Why is Jackson’s body rejecting the bite, when Scott’s didn’t?  (Is it simply because there’s still wolfsbane in his system, or is there a more interesting reason, like, for example something in Jackson’s lineage?), and (2) What are the repercussions of this for Jackson?  (Will he die?  Will he eventually turn into the so-called “Abomination” hinted at in the trailers for this season?  Will he need to constantly have tampons hanging out of his nose?)

Four Maulings and a Funeral

Back at school, we are reunited with some old characters . . . like that Creepy Chemistry Teacher everyone used to think was the Alpha, who REALLY has it in for Stiles, after the latter’s father tried to peg him for murder  . . .

No reason for this picture.  I just wanted to share with you the awesomeness that is Stiles’ t-shirt . . . and this is coming from someone who doesn’t ever want to have kids . . . 

. . . and everyone’s favorite Crackpot Lacrosse Coach .  . .

Separated at birth? 

We are also introduced to some new characters, like the weird (but, of course, still attractive) guy with the camera, who seems to have a real hard-on for Allison.  (Doesn’t everybody on this show?)

“I fulfill the show’s emo quotient.  I also might be a shapeshifter who takes pictures of people and thinks so I can assume their forms at a later time.“

There’s also a sweet scene in which Scott comforts a distraught Allison, as she prepares to attend her aunt’s funeral . . . you know . . . if you are into that sort of thing . . .

. .  . sweet scenes, I mean, not funerals  . . . though, of course, you might be into those too.

At Kate’s funeral, the press and that creepy camera guy are all hounding the Argents.  Then this old  guy comes and breaks creepy camera guy’s film cartridge, after the former snaps some pictures of Allison.

“Dammit.  I knew I should have used my iPhone instead.” 

Turns out, this is her grandpa, and he’s one scary dude.  In fact, Grandpa Argent and his Crazy Eyes make Papa Argent look like Big Bird by comparison (Not Mama Argent though . . .  she’s still the scariest.)

Stiles and Scott watch these events unfold before them, as the pair hide behind and old gravestone.  Always trying to keep things positive,  Stiles suggests that possibly Gramps and the rest of the Argents are just here for the funeral.  But Scott knows better.  “They are reinforcements,” he says glumly.

“You know, Stiles’ dad is kinda buff.  Maybe’ HE’S the lizard.” 

Then Stiles’ dad finds the scheming pair, and drags them back to a squad car.  They aren’t there long though.  A call comes in about someone attack an ambulance and eating it’s already dead passenger.  Stiles and Scott, of course, immediately assume it’s Lydia doing the eating.  How rude!

As soon as the two can get away, they form their own search party in the woods.  “Just find her,” pleads Stiles, in regard to his lady love.  (Sigh!)

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Shortly thereafter, Scott smells wolf and takes off in the direction of the stench.  Turns out, it’s not Lydia at all.   It’s that dirty hippie wolf who’s been eating all the dead people.  Go figure!  The two tussle, but Scott eventually loses sight of the guy, until that is, the latter gets tripped up by, you guessed it, another trip wire.

Worst . . . gig . . . ever .  . . 

Enter the Argent Family . . .

He didn’t really need those pesky legs anyway . . .

Grandpa Argent has a big f*&king sword . . . I’m talking Medieval, Game of Thrones sh*t here.  As he waves around his surrogate weiner, Gramps waxes poetic about Omega wolves, who, for whatever reason, lack pack affiliation, and therefore are weak, and easily killed.  Dirty Hippie Wolf tries in vain to defend himself.  He was just looking for the Alpha, he swears!  He didn’t hurt anyone living . . . and therefore never ran afoul of the Argent’s precious Code.

Too bad for Wolfie, that Gramps doesn’t need no stinking Codes.  He slices through Dirty Hippie Wolf’s bottom half like it’s butter.  There’s this creepy moment where the wolf looks down at his now half-body with fascination, before bleeding to death.

“This is SO COOL!  Oh wait . . . no it’s not.  They cut off my balls too.” 

Scott, who’s watching from a distance is understandably horrified.

“Derek, this is really not the time to get handsy.”

Fortunately, Alpha Derek has arrived to comfort him . . . and give him a big ole man hug . . . which probably would have been a lot more appreciated, if he had actually lifted a finger to save Dirty Hippie Wolf.  He didn’t.  But hey.  You can’t blame a guy for wanting to literally save his own balls from being dismembered from the rest of his body.

Never one to give up a good teaching moment, Alpha Derek chooses this inopportune moment to remind Scott why it’s a REALLY good idea to be part of pack, if you don’t want to lose your legs.  “Look at them.   This is what they do,” Derek says fiercely, forcing Scott to look at the bloody corpse.  “This is a declaration of war.”

Apparently Gramps thinks so too, as he tells an admittedly freaked out Papa Argent, in no uncertain terms that the “Code” ceased to exist the minute Kate Argent croaked.  Weak wolves, new wolves, pansy wolves, naked chicks running around in the forest, Gramps wants to cut them all in half, just because he can.

“We’ll find them, and we’ll kill them.  We’ll kill them all,” Gramps declares ominously.

Elsewhere, a naked Lydia emerges from the forest looking for a coat.

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Stiles has never been so jealous of a coat in his life . . .

-SHAPE SHIFTED –

Nice knowing ya, Dawson’s Creek Dad (except . . . not really)

Now we’re at Random Teen’s house.  (I told you this guy was important.)  Apparently, his name is Issac and he’s getting a D in chemistry.  That’s all we know about the character at this point.  Oh yeah, and did I mention his dad’s a psychopath?

 As far as depictions of domestic abuse go, this one is pretty top notch.  You can feel the tension in Isaac’s body as he carefully evades his father’s seemingly harmless questions about his grades, like a soldier navigating his way through a field covered with landmines.  And man, is Dawson Leery’s dad terrifying . . . Sure, he’s saying all the right things . . . encouraging his son to be honest, and telling him it’s OK that his grades aren’t up to par.  But just below the surface there’s an undercurrent of viciousness, a killer’s instinct.  When Bad Dad starts tossing plates at his son, we know immediately that this is far from the first time.

“Dawson would never put up with this sh*t.” 

Then again, it IS probably the first time that Isaac has been able to HEAL himself from his father’s abuses.   That’s right boys and girls.  We have a new werewolf!

Upon realizing what has just occurred, Isaac escapes on his bike, with Bad Dad in hot pursuit.  Part of me was waiting for the character to get into a car accident, because he dropped his ice cream cone on the front seat of the car, and bent down, like a total moron to pick it up . . . which, some of you might recall is precisely how Bad Dad’s Alter Ego, Mitch Leery bit it on Dawson’s Creek.

But Bad Dad’s fate is much worse.  When he emerges from the car, he learns that something is watching him . . . and that something is definitely not a werewolf.

He kind of looks like This Guy . . .

 Does the fact that I cheered just a little bit when that Lizardy Thing mauled Bad Dad in his car make me a bad person?  That’s what you get for abusing hot twenty-somethings posing as teens . . . and, of course, spawning that turd, Dawson Leery . . .

New wolf Isaac rushes to his Alpha Derek for help, swearing up and down that he didn’t kill his father . . . though clearly, he can’t be too overwrought that the douchebag is dead.

Well, that’s one way to get a job, during the recession . . .

Elsewhere, Scott and Allison are making out again.  Snore . . .

Oddly enough, I’m much more interested in what Allison’s parental units are doing on their so-called date night.  Here’s a hint, it involves kidnapping Allison’s principal and sticking massively large guns in his face, until he promises to resign from his post.

“Coincidentally, this is also the size of my secret weiner.” 

Watch out Beacon Hills High!  Principal Gramps is coming to get you!

But she lost NINE POUNDS!

Poor Lydia.  Being known as “That Naked Chick” who ran around in the woods for a weekend isn’t exactly garnering her the popularity she thinks she deserves .  . . even though she did lose nine pounds!  (Banshee diet, I guess.)

Source 

Her ex-boyfriend Jackson isn’t exactly offering her comfort either.  The asshat basically tells her that if he had it to do over again, he wouldn’t save her life.

Oh, and P.S., she should watch out for the Full Moon.  It’s not exactly a scene out of Lydia’s favorite movie, The Notebook.

Scratch and Sniff Lacrosse

Speaking of Full Moon preparations, Stiles knows exactly how to handle Scott’s “time of month” this time around . . .

Fifty Shades of Stiles?

Too bad it makes him look like an S&M fetishist in front of his coach . . .

In the locker room, Scott smells something aside from the usual B.O., dirt, and aftershave.  There’s another wolf on the premises.  The question is who?  Scott has a plan to figure it out,  one that involves playing goalie turning team practice, and rushing out of the goal to tackle and SNIFF all his teammates, until he finds the one that smells like dog.

Needless to say this is probably my favorite scene in the entire episode.

Coach Crackpot quickly asked Stiles what was wrong with his friend .  . .

Source

Weird Camera Guy passed the Scratch and Sniff test with flying colors.  As did Danny, who got bonus points for smelling awesome.  “It’s Armani . . . my cologne,” Danny exclaims proudly, as Scott fights off the urge to make love to him right there on the Lacrosse field.  (It’s the one time during this episode that I wished MTV had smellovision.)

Jackson noteably escaped from practice, before Scott could smell him, probably because he worried about what the latter might find in his scent . . .  wolf?   death?  Or something much worse?

Eventually, it’s Isaac’s turn to square off with Scott.  Cue the matching colored contacts.  It’s like love at first were-bite.  “Please don’t tell anyone,” Isaac pleads.

Unfortunately, this conversation is cut short by the cops, who take Isaac in for questioning about his dead dad.  Scott knows full well that the idea of a brand new wolf locked in a not particularly well-secured holding cell during a full moon isn’t good for anyone.  “You know how I said I no longer have the urge to kill?”  Scott muses to Stiles.  “He does,” Scott said of Isaac.

It was an interesting moment, one that intrigued me quite a bit about Isaac’s character, and what type of wolf he will become.  Clearly, this is someone who’s been abused and beaten down, emotionally and physically all his life.  That kind of persistent torture makes you feel weak and powerless.  It makes you vie for an escape, some avenue of control in your life.  Derek likely saw this in Isaac, and knew that, as a result, he would be amenable to undergoing the transformation.

Yet, Derek’s decision to turn Isaac might not have been completely altruistic  After all, he’s a packmaster at war, now.  And to fight a war, you need good soldiers.  I suspect that Derek also saw in Isaac exactly what Scott is seeing now . . . an untenable rage, bubbling just beneath the surface.  That rage could make Isaac an excellent warrior.  But it also makes him a potential loose cannon.

Nevertheless, Scott clearly feels a kinship with Isaac, that goes beyond mere pack membership.  He sees him as a man who’s been wrongly accused.  And he wants to help him, by breaking him out of the pokey . . . which, of course, means Stiles has to help him too.

Teen Wolf and Yoda to the Rescue

Back at school Stiles’ Sheriff dad is questioning Jackson, who also happens to be Isaac’s next-door neighbor.  Jackson callously admits that he knew Isaac was a victim of abuse, but that this was “not his problem.”

Ugh!  Jackson, you suck!  I don’t care how good you look in a wet t-shirt.  I hope your nose and ear bleed travels to your ass . . .

Back in chemistry class, Scott and Stiles are desperate to know what Jackson is telling the police about Isaac.  And the best way to figure that out is an impromptu trip to the principal’s office  . . .