It’s Hard Out There for a Ghost . . . and a Vampire . . . and a Werewolf – A Retrospective of SyFy’s First Season of Being Human

On Monday night, the SyFy channel aired the Season 1 Finale of it’s critically acclaimed supernatural drama,  Being Human (based on a British series with the same name).  The show, which has just been picked up for a second season, chronicles the lives of three roommates, who WOULD lead fairly normal lives, were it not for the fact that they are a Ghost, a Vampire, and a Werewolf, respectively . . .

Nice hat!

Nice lipstick . . .

Nice boxers!  (Now, please take them off!)

Although I stopped formally recapping this show after Episode Three, (due to other recapping responsibilities, and my general inability to secure solid screencaps of the show, in a timely fashion *blushes*) . . .

“That smells like bull$h*t to me!”

 . . .  I watched it faithfully, each week.  And, as a result, I am proud to name myself as part of its fanbase.  Admittedly, the series was a bit slow getting out of the starting gate, as its writers struggled to find a balance between copying what made the British version of the series so successful, and striking out on their own.  However, as the cast developed their character’s distinctive voices, and the producers ventured outside the British series for episode inspiration, Being Human really began to hit its stride, with the episodes improving significantly from week-to-week.

“You like us!  You REALLY like  us!”

In honor of that sentiment, I thought it might be fun to take a look back at Being Human’s first season, as seen through the eyes of its three main characters: Josh, the Werewolf, Sally the Ghost and Aiden the Werewolf . . .

Wolfman Josh (played by Sam Huntington)

Poor Josh!  Life definitely hasn’t been kind to this guy.  Two years ago, he was a loveable, overachieving college graduate with his sights set on med school.  He was also engaged to be married, and had a younger sister who admired him, and parents who worshipped the ground on which he walked.  Sounds pretty good, right?

Cut to two years later, when we first meet the afore-described “Golden Boy” in Being Human’s pilot episode.  Now, Josh is a hospital orderly, who cleans bedpans for a living.  He hasn’t had sex for two years. (So much for being engaged!).  And his whole family thinks he suffered a nervous breakdown.  Did I mention he is also a werewolf?

In addition to being my absolute favorite character on Being Human, Josh also bears the impressive distinction of being the cast member most often naked on the show.  Given Sam Huntington’s fine physique, I suspect this is NO accident . . .

If the repeated appearances of Naked Josh on Being Human were inserted into the show, as a cheap ploy to increase the female viewership of a television station, that has, heretofore, been almost exclusively watched by geeks men, it sure WORKED ON THIS FEMALE!  In fact, every time Naked Josh “exposed himself” to my television screen, I may or may not have have reacted like this . . .

Anyhoo . . . in addition to the monthly “wolfing out” of his man parts, Josh underwent a number of intensely personal and painful transformations, during the course of the season.  In the first few episodes, we sympathized for Josh, as he coped the shame he felt regarding his true nature, and the anger and bitterness he experienced over the many ways in which being a werewolf prevented him from achieving his lifelong dreams and goals.  These complex, and super angsty, emotions that Josh kept bottled inside caused him to isolate himself from others. 

*sings* “All by my selllllllllf . . . don’t wanna be . . . all by my selllllf, any morrrreeeee.”

However, as the series progressed, Josh began to open his heart to his roommates, who taught him that, just because he gets a bit hormonal once a month, doesn’t mean his life is over.  (Surely, many of us girls can relate to THIS!)  This “heart-opening” eventually enabled Josh to reconnect with his baby sister . . .

  . . . and make a new werewolf playmate (who ended up being this TOTAL vampire-hating psychopath, who was responsible for scratching Josh, and turning him werewolf in the first place . . . but still . . . babysteps!)

Eventually, he even manages to fall in love again, with a nurse at the hospital named Nora.  And she falls in love with HIM too, once he finally figures out how to stop growling at, running away from, and butt humping her, of course!

Speaking of butt humping, it takes a real well-endowed wolf to impregnate a girl THIS way, on the first try .  . .

Way to go JOSH!  (You sly DOG, you!)

In a matter of days post ass-screwing, Nora is suddenly the human-equivalent of three months pregnant (Apparently, wolf gestation periods are WAY shorter than ours.  Who knew?  Plenty of people who regularly watch the SyFy channel did, I bet!  ).  This, of coruse,  is going to make it REALLY hard for the new couple to find time to decorate the nursery! 

In the season finale, Nora walks in on Josh during a wolfy transformation, and watches him endure it.  In an oddly calm moment, a Wolfed Out Josh blinks his big yellow CGI-created eyes at Nora, from beneath a locked door.  (This Wolfman knows a Baby Mama when he sees ONE!) 

Far from being freaked out by this revealation, Nora actually seems pretty relieved to learn that Josh has been acting like a crazy man around her, because he’s a werewolf, instead of just your run-of-the-mill a$$h*le.  But then she realizes that, during his transformation, Josh inadvertently scratched HER, in an effort to push her out of harms way.  Sorry She-Wolf!  It looks like the MONTHLY CURSE is on YOU . . . TOO!  (And now you have TWO of them.  LUCKY YOU!)

Sweet, loveable, socially awkward, and undeniably goofy, Josh is definitely a character with whom I wouldn’t mind spending a second season.  Except, I’d probably buy him a REALLY THICK PAIR OF GLOVES, before I got too close . .  .

A girl’s always gotta use “protection,” you know!

Vampire Aiden (played by Sam Witwer)

If Josh was the Being Human character who got the most Naked Time (though, admittedly, Aiden got HIS share of that too .  . .) . . .

. . . Aiden was the character that got the most TOTAL screentime. (Then again, if YOU were alive for as long as THIS vampire’s been roaming the Earth, YOU’D have a lot of ISSUES to address too!)

Well, hello, Charlie Chaplin!  I didn’t know YOU were in this show!

*sings* “Grease is the time.  It’s the place.  It’s the no-tion.  Grease is the way we are FEELIN”!”

Yeah . . . I don’t really have anything to say about that . . .

For Aiden, most of the season was spent struggling to maintain a non-human munching lifestyle, and cope with centuries of past wrongs, all while trying to avoid the clutches of his evil old Vampire Empire Building boss, Bishop (played by Mark Pellegrino). . .

I’m proud to report that it only took me THREE-QUARTERS of the season to stop thinking of THIS GUY as “Jacob from Lost.”

Though Aiden managed to lead a fairly “human” law-abiding life style, throughout the season, there were a few minor missteps along the way.  Like, for example, the time when he accidentally ate his human girlfriend, Rebecca, while they were screwing . . .

So, Bishop turned her, just to piss Aiden off, basically.  Then, Rebecca became this REALLY ANNOYING, SUPER UNLIKEABLE CHARACTER with whom Aiden still inexplicably hooked up, for most of the season.  That nonsense ended in the penultimate episode, when he finally staked her, at her own request, thereby, putting us ALL out of our misery . . .

SAYONARA, BLOODSUCKA!

Then, there was this OTHER time, when Aiden met this guy who SWORE that Aiden had killed his dad, back when the guy was only 10- years old.  (HE HAD!)  So, Aiden tries to take away the guy’s memory of the event, but ends up driving him to KILL HIMSELF, instead . . . OOPS!

Then, there was this THIRD TIME when Aiden befriended a little boy, named Bernie, who accidentally got into Aiden’s vampire porn stash, making Bernie’s mom think Aiden was a TOTAL Pedo!  Then Bernie gets hit by car, and dies.  So Rebecca turns him.  But Bishop makes Aiden think his new vampire son is running around EATING bullies, so Aiden kills the little vampire child.  (Am I noticing a PATTERN, here?)

“Hey, little boy!  What do you say I give you a REALLY untimely death?  Doesn’t that sound like fun?”

The season ends with Aiden killing Bishop, and becoming Sheriff of Area Five, Eric Northman Vampire Ruler of Boston.  (Be afraid, Ben Affleck!  Be VERY AFRAID!)

Broody, tortured, soulful, and super sexy, with a healthy dose of guilt and self-hatred to boot, Aiden is EXACTLY the kind of TV vampire, us fangbanging fangirls love to drool over!

Sally the kind of Whiny Ghost (played by Meaghan Rath)

Sad Sack Sally has a sob story to tell.  You see, a few months back, she “fell” down the stairs of her apartment, hit her head, and died.  So, she’s been literally hanging around the apartment in her pajamas, ever since . . . unable to move on to the Great Beyond, due to “unfinished business.”  Sally spends the first half of the season crying over her boring, and rather personality-free, fiance, Danny, who is renting the apartment, where he and Sally used to live, to Aiden and Josh.

To make matters worse, Danny has recently started boning Sally’s best friend . . . while Sally watches.  AWK-WARD!

Care for a Menage-a-GHOST?

Things with Sally become slightly more interesting (not to mention WAY less annoying), when she learns that Danny just so happens to be a Girlfriend and Fiance-Beating Sociopathic Cretin, who KILLED SALLY, just because she accidentally dropped her engagement ring in the sink!  Suddenly, it becomes a battle of “wits” between Sally and Sociopathic Cretin.  Sally, with more energy and intensity than she’s exhibited all season, haunts Danny’s ass FOR FUN!  It’s all INCREDIBLY dark . . . and oddly cathartic.  In return, Danny does everything in his power to try and get Sally out of the house, even going as far as to perform an EXORCISM on her, and light their apartment ON FIRE!

After a brief bout of zombieism . . .

That’s taking the “smoky eye” look a bit too far, don’t you think?

 . . . Sally (with the help of a vamped out Aiden) finally scares Danny into turning himself in to the cops for killing her. 

When this happens, Sally’s Unfinished Business is suddenly not-so-unfinished anymore.  In the Season Finale, a LITERAL door opens for Sally to travel into the Great Beyond . . . and she conveniently forgets to walk through it.  OOPS!

And that was Season 1 of Being Human in a VERY SIMPLIFIED nutshell. 

Thirsty for more?  You can now check out full episodes of the first season of Being Human on Hulu.com.  For those of you who would prefer a “quicker fix” of the show, check out these nifty little sixty second episode recaps on the SyFy website: here. 

Not only do these recaps come FULLY LOADED with excellent video footage from each episode, they are also narrated by a woman, who clearly has a gift for the delivery of deadpan humor.  This woman can make you roll on the floor laughing without EVER HAVING TO CHANGE THE INTONATION OF HER VOICE!  She’s the Ben Stein of SyFY.com!

“Bueller . . . Bueller.”

Some of my favorite gems from the recaps include lines like these: “Evil Greaser Aiden threatens Bishop,”  “Josh gets sniffed .  . . weird,”  “Rebecca yells at Aiden.  She’s forgiven . . . again.”  and “Aiden and his Sideburns refuse.  Then they leave.”

For those of you who had a chance to watch the First Season of Being Human live, I would love to hear your thoughts about it in the Comments section.  As for the rest of you, see you in Season 2!

[www.juliekushner.com]

Accepting the Monster Within – A Recap of Being Human’s “There Goes the Neighborhood Part 2”

Welcome back, fellow Humans!  (If that’s what you REALLY are . . . 😉 )  This week’s installment of SyFy’s newest hit series (ONLY hit series?), definitely wrapped up some of the storylines presented in the pilot episode.  However, it also presented our favorite supernatural roommates with some new, very interesting, problems . . . ones that will surely plague them for many episodes to come . . .

SHE is definitely going to be a problem!

If tonight’s episode had a “theme” to it, I’d say that theme had to do with the acceptance of one’s true nature.  For some, that acceptance can have negative consequences.  For example, Rebecca became an Evil Super B*tch, once SHE accepted her new bloodsucking nature.  And, we suspect, the same thing would happen to Aidan, if he decided to go back to his old vampiric ways. 

For others, acceptance of who you are, can lead you to a better life (or lack thereof).  Once Sally gave up trying to be heard as a human, she realized that being a ghost allows for other, more unique, methods of communication.  It also saves a TON of money on airfare!

I’m flying, WHHHHHHEEEEEEEEEE!

As for Josh, his refusal to come to terms with his wolfy nature, has kept him isolated from the people he loves — first, his parents and fiance, and now, his own baby sister . . .

The only thing hotter than a brooding werewolf, is a naked one . . .

Come on, Josh!  Be OUT . . . and PROUD (and stop covering your crotch, we wanna see)!

But enough of this philosophical mumbo jumbo, let’s get on with the episode, shall we?

Home Improvement for Dummies

Is that a pool of blood behind your head, Sally?  Or are you just happy to see me?

Ghost Sally spends much of this episode having funeral flashbacks, pining after her fiance (Does EVERYONE have a Long Lost Fiance on this show?), and breaking sh*t in the apartment, because she is feeling moody.  (I wonder if ghosts still get PMS?) 

After a whole lot of begging on Sally’s part, Aidan and Josh finally relent and invite their landlord, and Sally’s once fiance, Danny, to fix the clogged sink in the apartment, which Sally broke on purpose, precisely for this occasion!

“That’ll teach you to be cheap, and not get homeowners’ insurance!”

Sally gets pretty darn frustrated, when the man she loves LITERALLY doesn’t know she’s alive (because she . . . um . . .  isn’t).  When Danny arrives at the house for the first time, since Josh and Aidan moved in, Sally’s emotions go heywire.  This, of course, results in all the lights in the house EXPLODING!  (Nice one, Sally!)  Josh, who actually LIKES having working light fixtures in his home, is not amused, by this new development.

“Seriously!  You need to find some new hobbies!  Why don’t we invite over that kid from the Sixth Sense, and you two can hold a seance, or something?”

For his part, Danny can’t understand why in the world ANYBODY would want to live in this Ghost-Infested Death Trap he used to call home.  Clearly not a particularly savvy business man, Danny actually goes so far as to ask Aidan whether the apartment is as creepy as it seems.  “Every home has an echo of the people who used to live in it.  There’s a good echo here,” explains Vampire Aidan, causing Sally’s ghostly panties (not to mention, mine) to fall to the floor, as a result. 

*sings* “He really likes me.  He thinks I’m sexy.  He wants to date me.”

“Damn, I’m gooooood!”

 This, of course, brings up an important question:  Can ghosts have sex?

I didn’t think so . . . (Sorry Sally!  It looks like the vampire is MINE!)

Aidan, who is clearly angling to get supernaturally laid, throws Sally another bone, by asking Danny how his fiance died.  Danny, who is officially the WORST landlord and realtor EVER, not only explains in explicit detail how Sally fell down the steps and broke her brain, he even points out the SUPER CREEPY spot on the floor where she croaked!  In fact, Danny all but drew a chalked outline of Sally’s decaying body on the floor for Josh and Aidan to keep as a souvenir!  Now, if that doesn’t make a house fell like a home, I don’t know what does!

The next day, while the guys are out, Danny returns to the apartment to fix the sink.  He comes prepared, carrying a trusty Home Improvement for Dummies book under his arm . . .

Product Placement Alert!

But as good as Home Improvement for Dummies may be at teaching dummies like Danny to unclog a sink, I’m willing to bet there’s no chapter in it on “Ghostbusting” . . .

“Who you gonna call? (I ain’t afraid of no Sally!)”

And when Danny ignores Sally’s ghostly pleas for him to hire a plumber, Ghost Girl gets so mad, that she breaks the pipe beneath the sink, causing Danny to become soaked with water.  (But, hey, at least it’s not clogged anymore!)  Aidan arrives home, just in time to see Wet Danny escaping the apartment, like a bat out of hell. 

Later, Josh and Sally commiserate with one another, over the fact that they can’t be with their respective fiances anymore, because according to Josh “[We] are monsters, and [they] are not.”

Though things may look grim now, Sally’s romantic life may actually be starting to look up!  WAY UP!  Because, toward the end of the episode, Sally learns that SHE CAN FLY!  And you know what this means, don’t you?  She may actually be able to LEAVE THE HOUSE at some point (which is kind of essential, if you plan on getting laid, ever) . . .

“See ya, Boys!  I’m off to Victoria’s Secrets to buy some lingerie.  I’ve been wearing this outfit for SIX MONTHS, and it’s high time I slipped into something ‘more comfortable.'”

So, I mentioned Josh, earlier . . .which, if you watched last week’s episode, may have caused you to wonder, whether he ended up actually eating his sister, Emily, after being locked in a room with her, during his werewolf transformation.  Well, allow me to fill you in, on THAT part of the tale.

All Bark and No Bite

“I smell a cliffhanger!”

So, as I mentioned, when we last left Josh, he was getting all werewolfy in a locked room beneath the hospital where he works, and his baby sister was locked in there with him.  He tried to call Aidan to rescue him, but Aidan was “eating dinner” at the time at Fangtasia Bishop’s Dungeon o’ Vampire Love,  and couldn’t come to the phone . . .

Fortunately, however, Aidan finished eating just in time to catch Josh’s frantic telephone message.  And so, the Sexy Vamp races to the “dungeon” and rescue’s Emily, just moments before Josh becomes a full-on Beast.  Realizing, the poor girl probably just had the worst night EVER, Kindly Aidan then takes Emily to a local diner for some coffee . . .

At the diner, Aidan explains to Emily, that Josh is “going through some stuff right now” (Understatement of the Year), but that he is going to be OK.  He just needs some “time” to eat more poor defenseless deer figure things out. 

However, when Emily confronts Josh after the traumatic event, offering him her help and support, Josh rebuffs her.  “My life is different now . . . You don’t know me . . . you can’t help me . . . Leave me alone,” He tells his own flesh and blood, in front of her new girlfriend (who, according to Emily is a Shiksa Goddess) . . .

Now THAT had to hurt!

Speaking of danger, you might be wondering what happened with Aidan and that “dead girl,” who police suspected him of killing (because he DID kill her) . . .

There’s a New Vamp in Town

Aidan learns that his one-night stand, Rebecca, is not so much dead, as undead, when she tries to EAT HIS ROOMMATE . . .

Fortunately, for Josh, Werewolf is not exactly Baby Vamp Rebecca’s new favorite food.  So, she ends up sparing his life.  But Josh still has quite the bone to pick with his roommate about his most recent brush with death.

“What’s the point of doing all this . . . playing house . . . and joining CostCo . . . if you are just going to keep killing all of our friends!”  Josh exclaims.  (The dude’s got a point, Aidan!)

When Aidan confronts Rebecca about the whole “We Used to Screw, Until I Killed You” Thing, he learns that his sort-of ex holds a MAJOR grudge against him, for leaving her for dead on that fateful night.  (Apparently, Jacob from Lost Bishop turned her into a vampire, and “oriented her to the lifestyle” the following morning.)

Aidan offers to help Rebecca cope with their mutual “curse,” and “be good.”  But Rebecca would prefer to be BAD, and EAT HER FAMILY for fun.  So, Aidan and Rebecca don’t exactly share the same “moral values,” which . . . I guess . .  is as good a reason to break up as any.  (Then again, being MURDERED by your boyfriend is also a fairly good reason to end a relationship.)

At work, Quirky Nurse Cara tries to hit on Hot Aidan, by making a very dated 90210 reference (not the new 90210, mind you, the VERY OLD one).

When Aidan doesn’t exactly appear to be wowed by Cara’s Dylan McKay joke, Little Miss Quirky gets very embarrassed, indeed.  “Oh my gosh, I’m older than you,” she mumbles.

“Oh . . . I don’t think that’s true,” replies the centuries old Aidan.  “I just never watched 90210, because I am a STRAIGHT MALE.”

But Majorly Obscure and Dated Pop Culture references are not enough to deter Cara.  So, she asks Aidan out on a date to the local bar, which is located nearby.  Aidan is obviously enticed by Nurse Cara’s scent.  (Then again, maybe he just REALLY likes red heads, I still can’t tell . . .).  However, Aidan fears that, if given the chance, he will eat Cara, just like he did Rebecca.  So, he tries to let the girl down easy.  “Oh, I’m not that much fun,” the actually SUPER FUN Vampire demurs.

“Me NEITHER!”  Cara responds excitedly.  (Woah, this Quirky Nurse is RELENTLESS!)

After work, Aidan heads to the funeral home where Big Bad Vampire Bishop conducts his daily business.  (How appropriate!)

Aidan gives Bishop the business about turning his ex-girlfriend, who Bishop obviously is using as a bargaining chip to bring Aidan back into the Vampire Fold.  “You don’t screw up often.   So, when you did, I wanted to see what all the fuss was about.  [Rebecca] is quite a find,” remarks Bishop.

Once again, Aidan reminds the Head of the Vampire Recruitment Agency that he is no longer interested in that particular line of work.  (Cleaning up bedpans, is WAY more his style!)  And yet, the conversation with Bishop stresses out Aidan enough, that he finds himself in desperate need of a drink.  And so, off to the bar he heads.  Of course, the ever-persistent Nurse Cara is there, waiting for him . . .

As soon as Aidan gets one whiff of Cara, he’s ready to drain her dry.  And so, Aidan calls his Vampires Anonymous sponsor, Josh (who, does, after all, owe him, for the whole “Sister Rescue” Thing) to come to the bar, and save Cara from becoming dessert.  But, before Josh can arrive, Evil Rebecca comes over and TOTALLY cock blocks Aidan, by telling Cara, in no uncertain terms, that she and the closeted vamp used to bang.

A bit intimidated by Rebecca’s Mean Girl attitude, Nurse Cara eventually leaves Aidan, and heads back to her friends.  So, Rebecca decides to use this Alone Time to make another play for Aidan’s affections.  (Seriously, who DOESN’T want to bone this guy?) 

When Aidan rejects her, Rebecca gets even, by enticing a silly male human to go back to her place, and (we assume) die a very painful death, by draining.  Interestingly enough, Aidan “rescues” the guy, by beating the crap out of him, so he can’t leave the bar with the hungry female vamp.  This pisses Rebecca off, so she takes a bite out of Nurse Cara instead  . . .

Josh arrives just in time to see Cara nearly bleeding to death.  In the alley, just outside the bar, both Josh and the lurking Rebecca, plead for Aidan to turn Cara into a vampire (though they both, obviously, have very different reasons for wanting him to do this).  But Aidan refuses to turn Cara.  So, he and Josh rush the poor girl to the hospital instead, for a bit of “old-fashioned” human healing . . .

JOSH:  “You should have turned her.  Now she’s going to die because of you!”

AIDAN:  “Nah, she won’t die.  Because you are in SERIOUS need of a love interest on this show.  And so far, unless you plan on banging your sister. she’s the best option you’ve got!”

While the two supernaturally-inclined roommates await the still-human, Cara’s fate, Aidan gets pulled aside by Big Bad Vampire Bishop, who ALSO wants to know why he decided not to turn Nurse Cara into a vampire.

“Maybe I am sentenced to a lifetime in hell with you, but here, and now, I choose them [humans],” Aidan explains eloquently.

Eventually, Josh also comes to terms with Aidan’s decision not to turn Cara.   This is evidenced by his conversation with Ghost Sally, in the final moments of the episode. 

“We take for granted how good Aidan is . . . and how he must struggle every day not to be like THEM,” remarks Josh.

 “Do you think he should have saved [Cara]?”  Sally inquires.

“I think he did,” the Werewolf replies.

Eh, I don’t know about all that.  Personally, being a vampire, always seemed like kind of an awesome Lifestyle Choice to me.  Then again, what do I know?  I’m only “human.”

[www.juliekushner.com]

Vampires, and Werewolves, and Ghosts, OH MY! – A Recap of Being Human’s Pilot Episode “There Goes The Neighborhood”

OK . . . so let me get this straight .  . . It’s a show about vampires . . . and werewolves . . . and ghosts . . . where almost the ENTIRE cast is in their twenties . . . AND there was male frontal nudity in the first TWO MINUTES of the pilot episode?  You had me at HELLO!

A few nights back, the Syfy channel debuted it’s U.S. incarnation of the hit British supernatural horror comedy series Being Human. (Well, more accurately, it’s a Canadian incarnation.  Though the show is meant to take place in Boston, it is obviously filmed in a place where people are more likely to say “oot and aboot” than “pahk your cahr in a Hah-vahd yahd.”)  As a lover of all things supernatural, who had never watched the British version of this series, I was excited to get a fresh and unfettered glimpse at the show, when I finally got around to watching it this evening.  (For better or worse, Monday is a crowded night for me in TV Land.)

Though comparisons between this series and its U.K. incarnation, as well as other television shows of supernatural bent (most notably, The Vampire Diaries and True Blood) are inevitable, and not always favorable, I, for one, enjoyed this pilot.  In fact, once the producers iron out a few of the “freshman kinks,” I think this has the makings of a pretty awesome series — one that has the potential to stick around for a long time. 

Freshman Kink #1 – Is that supposed to be a werewolf, or a leprechaun wearing cheap dentures?

So, what are we waiting for?  Let’s bite into that pilot episode!

I’m really “torn” about this screenshot.  (No pun intended.)  On one hand, I’m loving the Dirty Naked Dude!  But the Butchered Bambi’s Mother?  Not so much . . . Next time?  Let’s stick to Bloody Humans, and leave the Furry Woodland Creatures ALONE, shall we?

Meet Josh.  He’s a lonely twenty something, who’s desperately in need of a female influence in his life . . .

Worst . . . Walk of Shame . . . EVER!

For the most part, Josh leads a normal, if slightly dull and unfulfilling life.  But once a month, he really “lets his hair down.” When that happens, his Freak Flag flies at full mast.  You see, two years ago, Josh was bitten by a werewolf.  This event caused him to leave all his family and friends behind, and seek shelter in the vast city of Boston.  Now, he spends his nights alone in a forest, and his days rightfully feeling pretty sorry for himself . . .

This is Aidan.  And, no, he doesn’t always look like an extra from the Maenad-induced Orgies on Season 2 of True Blood.  (True Blood fans know EXACTLY what I’m talking about here.)

There . . . that’s better.  Aidan is a REALLY OLD vampire.  And, unlike his friend, Josh, he is not exactly unlucky with the ladies.  In fact, he gets lucky with one in his very first scene . . . a bit TOO lucky, some might say.

Don’t let this image fool you.  Aidan is not a BAD vamp.  In fact, he’s trying to go “straight,” by cutting living human blood out of his diet, entirely.  He just has a bit of an . . . “addiction problem,” one that has been fueled by many years of unadulterated feeding.  Sound familiar, TVD fans?

Unfortunately for Aidan, dead humans aren’t quite as readily accepted by the human population as Dead Bambi’s Mother.  And so, Aidan is forced to call upon one of his former vampire “friends” to clean up his mess for him, while he heads off to work.  On the way there, he picks up Josh.  The latter is still clad in that ridiculous dress (which fits him perfectly, by the way) that he pulled off some old lady’s clothes line to cover up his nakedness.  (Really?  Has anybody actually used a clothes line, since 1952?)

I read that, in the British version, Aidan (a.k.a. “John”) and Josh (a.k.a. “George”) are “hospital cleaners” by trade.  But here, in the American version, they seem as though they might be low-level orderlies, of some sort.  The job is convenient for Vampire Aidan, obviously, because it gives him ready access to a non-living blood supply.  Josh’s rationale for taking the job is a bit more murky.  However, we suspect it has something to do with him having been “pre-med,” during his “pre-werewolf” days.  It’s also a fairly anonymous job — one where he likely won’t have to work through too many full moons.

Throughout the day, Aidan keeps trying to convince Josh that they should shack up together.  By doing so, they can help one another satisfy their sexual urges “be more normal.”  (Honestly, I’m not really sure how sharing an apartment with another “freak” makes one less “freaky,” but I guess, there wouldn’t be a show, without it, right?)

Let the Bromance BEGIN!

Though initially skeptical, Josh ultimately agrees to live with Aidan.  (And why not?  After all, we never got a chance to see where either guy was living to begin with.  So, for all we know, they may both have been homeless.) 

“I don’t cook (or eat).  I don’t clean.  And my credit sucks,” explains Aidan, before the pair head off apartment hunting.

(Best ROOMMATE ADVERTISEMENT, EVER!)

Inevitably, the first day of apartment hunting, Josh falls in love with a little duplex fixer-upper apartment, close to where the guys work.  It’s current owner is a young skittish-looking guy, who seems VERY eager to rent out the place.  “You can keep all the furniture, and move in today.  And, honestly, I don’t need a credit check,” says the landlord nervously.

As it turns out, this guy has good reason to want to be rid of the apartment.  You see, his fiance DIED there. (Insert Dramatic Music Here).

But, as we know, Dead Stuff doesn’t phase these two in the LEAST.  So, into the apartment they go!   There’s just one problem.  They aren’t alone . . .

“BOO!  Haha, scared ya, didn’t I?  Get it?  Because I’m a GHOST . . . yeah . . . never mind.”

Remember how the landlord said his fiance died in the apartment.  Well . . . she’s still there!  Except, now she’s in “ghost form,” and can only be seen and heard by . . . wait for it . . . supernatural creatures.  Ghost Girl (her name is Sally, by the way) is just THRILLED about the prospect of finally having a two-sided conversation.  So, she just starts talking the boys’ ears off.  Aidan doesn’t seem too phased by the idea of bunking with a ghost AND a werewolf.  But Josh is PISSED!  He wants to have sex with Aidan alone time, DAMMIT!

The problem, of course, is that Ghost Girl Sally CAN’T LEAVE THE HOUSE.  You see, she still has “unfinished business” on Earth (as most ghosts do).  Specifically, Ghost Girl Sally isn’t quite sure how she died.  And, until she figures that out, Aidan and Josh are stuck with her . . .

Friggin Ghostly Cock Block!

But our boys have more problems than just coping with a third-wheel Casper of a roommate.  As for Aidan, there’s that little problem of the coworker he killed . . .

The police have been milling about the hospital where he works, asking questions.  And everybody seems to know that Aidan and “Rebecca” were kind of an item.  As if that wasn’t bad enough, Aidan’s call to a “vampire friend” to “clean up his mess” resulted in him being tracked down by THIS GUY . . .

That’s Marcus.  He’s a Vampire Henchman of some guy named Bishop, who you will meet, in just a bit.  He keeps talking to Aidan about “coming back.”  Apparently, like in True Blood world, the vampires in Being Human are, at least somewhat, organized.  They have a leader.  They have a social structure.  And Blood Bank Sipper Aidan . . . well . . . I guess that makes him a bit of a deserter.

During lunch, Aidan gets cornered by a policeman, who seems to know WAY TOO MUCH about Aidan’s relationship with Rebecca. In fact, he all but accuses Aidan of murdering the girl.  And, just when I’m starting to yell at the TV screen, “YOU’RE A VAMPIRE!  USE MIND CONTROL ON HIM ALREADY, YOU MORON,” the cop sitting next to him does exactly that.

That’s right, boys and girls!  Big Bad Vampire Bishop is Jacob from Lost.  How’s that for a coincidence?  Now, don’t get me wrong, casting a Metaphor for God Character from a successful series, to play your show’s main (religiously named) villain is not a bad idea, all things considered.  And yet, if Stunt Casting was, in fact, the ultimate goal, there are a few other actors I think might have served this purpose even more effectively:

A girl can dream, can’t she? 

Anyway, Jacob Bishop mind controls  . . . or compels . . . or glamours (whatever you want to call it) Mr. Policeman to think Aidan is innocent, and leave the premises.  But he doesn’t do it out of the kindness of his heart.  He wants Aidan “back.”  (Here we go again, with that “come back” stuff, which sounds a bit sexual, if you ask me.) 

From flashbacks, we learn that Aidan used to be quite the naughty beast — crashing weddings with his pal, Bishop . . .

 . . . and proceeding to EAT the entire bridal party . . .

 Mmmmm, that Vince Vaughn is TASTY!

. . . well . . . except for THIS GIRL . . .

 .  . who we just KNOW is going to be important later, don’t we?

As for Josh, he’s having his own problems.  For starters, he’s getting all tongue-tied around the Cute Quirky Future Love Interest New Girl at the Hospital . . .

“Hi, I don’t think we’ve met.  My name is Poor Man’s Claire Danes.  Nice to meet you!”

He’s also been spotted by his baby sister, who was visiting her girlfriend there, because she conveniently had a broken bone, or something,  (Yep, Little Sis is gay!  Not that there’s anything wrong with that.)  Now, Emily (that’s her name, by the way) insists on knowing where Josh has been for two years, and why he ran away in the first place . . .

Of course, Josh ultimately decides NOT to come clean to his sister, a decision he will soon come to regret.  That night, Josh heads back to the hospital, to seek out the new conveniently located dungeon therein, where Aidan suggested that Josh could “safely change.”

Sounds good, right?  Well, it would be . . . . except, unbeknownst to Josh, his sister has followed him down to the dungeon.  And now, she is LOCKED IN THERE WITH HIM.  (Again, sound familiar TVD fans?)

When Josh finds out what happened, he starts FREAKING OUT, understandably.  His poor sister, who mistakenly thinks he’s sick, keeps trying to comfort him, only to finally get shoved violently out of the way.  Josh uses his cell phone to contact to Aidan, who has the key to the dungeon, and has promised to help out in situations like this. 

Unfortunately for Josh, Aidan has been swept up in a little intrigue of his own, having been practically kidnapped by Jacob Bishop and brought to some sort of Vampire Brothel . . .

(Unfortunately, it is not named Fangtasia . . .)

Once there, Aidan is taken into some seedy back room, where a slutty-looking girl slits her wrist, causing Aidan to become totally aroused, vampire-style . . .

(Something tells me, he won’t be answering his werewolf friend’s text messages any time soon.)  Josh also calls Ghost Girl Sally.

Unlike Aidan, Sally really WANTS to help her new roommate!  Unfortunately, her ghostly hand keeps going through the phone.  So, she can’t pick it up.  (Don’t you hate it when that happens?)

The episode ends on somewhat of a cliffhanger, with Aidan voyaging “back” toward the Dark Side, and Josh beginning his wolfy transformation, as his defenseless little sister looks on in horror . . .

SOMEONE needs a manicure!

And that was the Pilot Episode of Being Human in a nutshell.  Did YOU watch?  If so, what did you think?  Was it good enough to find a place on your permanent TV roster?  Or was it just a One Night Stand? 

 

Yes, I do recognize that using this picture again (especially in this context) was in poor taste.  It didn’t stop me from doing it, though!

[www.juliekushner.com]

What Lost’s Jacob’s “Candidate” Job Opening Might Have Looked Like, if He Posted it on Careerbuilder.com

Those of you who watched Lost’s penultimate episode, “What They Died For,” last night (which was excellent, by the way), already know that, during it, the “mysterious and godlike” Jacob finally selected Jack Shepard as his “Candidate” to replace him on the Island. 

(And, for those of you who were surprised that it ended up being Jack, I have GOOD NEWS for you!  I am in the process of selling the Empire State Building for dirt cheap!  If interested, please send a check in the amount of $1 million, made payable to TV Recappers Anonymous, at  . . .)

Yeah, it was kind of predictable (and by “kind of” I mean “very”) that Jack would take the reins as “Guarder of the Light Thingy.”  And yet, while many of us viewers immediately surmised that this would ultimately end up being the case, Jacob, himself, was not nearly as quick on the uptake.  In fact, it literally took this dude CENTURIES of bringing people to the island and watching them die senseless deaths, to solve, what was essentially, a Human Resources Issue.

But all of this could have been avoided, had Jacob simply took advantage of modern hiring technology.  (After all, we already know the Island has internet access . . . ) 

So, just for kicks, I thought it might be fun to see what a “Jacob’s Candidate” job posting might have looked like, had it actually been placed on a job search website, like Careerbuilder.com.

Employer: Jacob

Job Title:   “Protector of the Light”

Location:   Undisclosed, but we call it “The Island”

Employee Type:    Full Time (And I’m not talking a 40 – 60 hour work week, either.  I mean REALLY full, like you will do ABSOLUTELY nothing else, for the duration of your life.)

Manages Others:    Nah, we killed all the “Others.”  Except for maybe, this guy.

Job Type:   Security, Godliness

Experience:   No prior experience necessary

Salary:   Non-applicable (Your “payment” is the pride of knowing that you have been chosen over centuries of other less worthy applicants, you ungrateful turd.)

Benefits:  See “salary” description above.  But you are more than welcome to all the fish .  . . and polar bears that you want to eat.

To be honest, we haven’t actually SEEN a polar bear around these parts since Season 1.  But that’s OK.  It just means more FISH FOR YOU!

Duties:

1) Keep the Man in Black from “entering the Light”

2) Keep the Light from going out

3) Keep the Man in Black from killing you

4) Find more suitable replacement “Candidates,” just in case you fail to do items 1 through 3

5) Smolder, brood, and generally try to look self-important ALL THE TIME.

Requirements:

1) A crappy home life a MUST!

2) Nonexistent or minimal sex life . . . unless you are this guy . . .

In which case, screw all you want!

3) Daddy issues

4) God complex

5) The ability to run quickly, and cover long distances, when chased by a polar bear or puff of black smoke . . .

Transportation:  Last time we checked, there were three ways of transporting one’s self to the island.  They are: (1) plane or jet crash;

(2) shipwreck; or

3) submarine

Please note:  Here at the Island, we do not cover your relocation expenses.  However, should you arrive at the Island via means 1 or 2, you may ultimately be able to have your travel fees reimbursed, as a result of a class action lawsuit begun on your behalf.  There is no guarantee of your actually receiving such reimbursement, however, as most people in the outside world are probably going to think you are DEAD.

So, what are you waiting for?  Apply Now!  Your violent and untimely death FUTURE is just a mouse click away! 🙂

10 Things I Learned from Watching Lost’s “Across the Sea” that Might Help Me Later in Life . . .

[This is a snarky Lost post.  One that contains subtle (if, perhaps, ineffective) attempts at using humor, to discuss certain aspects of this week’s episode.  If you are a “serious” Lost fan who ONLY enjoys “serious” Lost episode analysis, this might not be the best place for you to hang out . . .]

Seeing as Lost is supposed to be a “smart show” . . .

“Sawyer is DREAMY!”

. . . and I subscribe to the school of thought that television can be educational, whenever I watch Lost, I am always on the lookout for whatever tidbits of knowledge I can glean from Damon Lindelof, Carlton Cuse and Co.  Since I learned quite a few things from this week’s Jacob and MIB-centric Lost episode, I figured, why not share that knowledge with my readers?  So, without further adieu, here is my list of the Ten Things I Learned from Lost’s “Across the Sea” that Might Help Me Later in Life:

1) If you are about to give birth on a seemingly deserted island, and you run into C.J. Cregg from The West Wing, except she’s looking a bit worse for wear, and rocking some SERIOUSLY bad hair extensions . . . RUN . . . AWAY . . . FAST!

2)  When expecting a child, always have a few spare names handy.  You never know, when you might unexpectedly give birth to twins. 

Because, if your second child doesn’t have a name, people may very well start referring to him or her, by using the title of a popular comic book or movie franchise. 

No child wants that . . .

3)  You know how it’s considered rude to exclude people from your conversation, by whispering to others in front of them, or speaking in a different language that you know they won’t understand?  Well, the same goes for dead people and haunting. 

“Oops!”

Haunt ALL of your kids or NONE of your kids!  To do otherwise, is just plain mean . . .

4) Speaking of MEAN hauntings, if you plan on reaching out to your child in the afterlife, and instructing him or her to GO somewhere (like say “off the island”), it might be nice, if you told your child HOW TO GET THERE . . .  (Not everyone who sees dead people, can also read their minds).

“You got THAT right!”

5) Not the favorite child in your family?  That’s OK.  All you have to do to remedy this is NEVER LEAVE HOME . . . EVER.  That way, when the “favorite” child eventually leaves (and he or she definitely will), your “parents” will be stuck with you, and you ALONE.  So they’re going have to pretend to like you better.

Still breastfed, after all these years . . .

6) A little color can spice up anyone’s wardrobe!  Don’t be afraid to experiment. 

The Man in Black / Man in White Look?  SO LAST SEASON!

And, if, by chance, you CHOSE a particular colored wardrobe, because you are supposed to represent some sort of metaphor, like say “Good” or “Evil,” worry not.  There are plenty of other ways to establish the true nature of your soul, through fashion.  For example, if you are supposed to be the “bad guy,”  you can wear a skull and crossbones tattoo;

 or a handlebar mustache (That just screams evil!);or the Ghostface mask from Scream (See?  Evil can wear WHITE too!).

7) If you have the magical ability to put “spells” on your kids to prevent them from killing one another, you might want to include YOURSELF in those spells . . . Just saying.

Tying up your potentially murderous children would be another option . . .

8 ) Speaking of spells, if you have the power to prevent yourself from getting old, and/or the unique opportunity to look the same age for all eternity, why choose middle-aged, when you can skew younger . . .  like the vampires and werewolves do?

Heidi Montag, take note . . .

9) When hanging out by a deep, rock-filled, body of water with your brother, who wants you dead, prepare for the inevitable.  Always keep handy the following: a life jacket,

 a life saver, 

and some swimmies. 

Heck, even a kickboard might work, in a jam . . .

And, finally . . .

10) If you happen to end up dead and buried on a seemingly deserted island, and people find you a LONG TIME later, in the future, they are ALWAYS going to call you “Adam and/or Eve. ”

To prevent this from happening, might I suggest wearing a nametag.  Here’s one I particularly like .  . .

So, there you have it, my list of the ten things I learned from Lost’s “Across the Sea” that might help me (or you) later in life.  Who said television wasn’t educational?

“DUDE! It’s Me, Hurley!” – The Drinking Game!

Everybody loves Hugo!  Don’t believe me?  Just check out the episode title for next week’s installment of Lost.  And, really, what’s NOT to LOVE about Hugo “Hurley” Reyes?  After all, he’s cuddly  . . .

and funny.

He’s good with kids . . .

 . . . and dogs.

No matter where he is, Hurley can always be counted on to bring the party . . .

. . . and the good food.

And our main man Hugo is ALWAYS down for a good road trip (even if you forgot to take the Dead Guy out of your van).

Speaking of dead people, did I mention that Hurley sees (and talks) to them?

Or that he’s a lotto winner?

So, in honor of this week’s Hurley-centric episode, I propose, for all you Lost fans out there, a little Hurley-themed drinking game.  The game should last throughout the duration of “Everybody Loves Hugo” (assuming you don’t pass out before then).  All you need? An alcoholic beverage of your choice,

(Beer or wine will work best.)

a bottle of hard liquor,

and your favorite snack (or snacks).

Here’s how to play:

(1) Every time Hurley says the word “Dude,” you take a shot.  To get an idea of just how many shots you will likely have to take, check out this lovely video.

(2) Every time Hurley says “The Numbers,” or utters any of those ever-important numbers, recite the numbers out loud, and take a sip of your alcoholic beverage.

If you forget to recite the numbers, or fail to recite them correctly, take a shot.

(3) Every time Hurley is shown eating, take a bite of your snack and two sips of your alcoholic beverage.

(4) If Hurley is shown running, run in place for ten seconds, and take a sip of your drink.

If you FAIL to run for ten seconds, take a shot.

(5) If Hurley sees or talks to a dead person, take a shot.

If the DEAD PERSON is JACOB, take two shots.

(6) If Hurley makes a meta-reference to science fiction or the mythology of Lost, cup your hand to your chin, and say “Hmmm, verrrry interesting,” with a European accent.  If those comments are made to MILES, take a bite of food, and a shot.

(7) If a reference is made to Mr. Cluck’s Chicken, stand up, do the funky chicken for ten seconds, and stuff your mouth with a wad of food.  (Oh, and take a shot, of course.)  For those of you who don’t think this will come up, check out the faux-commercial that debuted at this past year’s Comic Con.

And for those of you out there who DON’T watch Lost, but suffered through this post anyway (There may be one or two of you out there.), here’s a little treat for YOU!  It’s those old school Muppet Babies, with a Hurley-inspired twist . . .

Happy Drinking!  See ya Tuesday, DUDES!

[Note: My pal, Amazon Annie, says, “Play ‘Dude!  It’s Me, Hurley’ at your own risk . . .”]

Lost’s “Ab Aeterno” – Cliff Notes Version (Contains SPOILERS, obviously . . .)

Now, before you get all riled up, let me explain . . .

Tonight’s episode of Lost presented me with a bit of a conundrum.  You see, I have this little ritual I like to follow on Tuesday nights.  And “Ab Aeterno” totally f-ed it up. 

You see, normally, I watch my hour of Lost, with notepad in hand.  And then, immediately afterward, I plop down in front of my computer to draft a recap (complete with pictures  . . . some of Lost stuff, some of other stuff that I happen to find cool at the moment).  The purpose of my recap is to generally detail the events of the episode, and the small tidbits of information I gleaned from it, in a manner that is mildly sarcastic, and (I hope) a little bit funny.

The problem here is that Ab Aeterno was so jam-packed with information and answered questions, that I couldn’t imagine being able to succinctly convey all of the “facts,” while still successfully telling a story, let alone, being mildly sarcastic and/or at all funny . . .

Therefore, this is what I decided to do . . . I’m going provide YOU with a short and sweet list of of the long- held questions that tonight’s episode of Lost finally answered.  Then, once that’s out of the way, I’ll come back and tackle the story of the episode, in another blog entry (assuming my brain isn’t too fried, of course) . . .

So, without further adieu, here’s Lost “Ab Aeterno”:  the Cliff Notes version . . .

“Shut up and start talking!”

1) What the F does Ab Aeterno mean?

Ab Aeterno is a Latin term meaning “from eternity” or “since the beginning.”  I presume in Lost world it refers to the struggle between:

 Jacob versus the Man In Black a.k.a. Smokey AND/OR

The Man Upstairs versus The Devil AND/OR

Heaven versus Hell AND/OR

Life versus Death (Bet you didn’t know Lost was going to get all religious on you, did you?)

2) Why the F doesn’t Richard Alpert ever age?  And where can I get some of that for myself?

Still sexy after ALL these years . . . (and years, and years . . .)

Richard Alpert doesn’t age because he is immortal.  Richard received this “gift” from Jacob, in return for agreeing to work for Jacob against the latter’s nemesis, Man in Black a.k.a. Smokey. 

And, no, YOU can’t get any of that for yourself because YOU don’t work for Jacob.  So, YOU are going to have to get old and moldy and eventually die, like everyone else on this planet.

Sorry!

3) What do you mean Richard “works for Jacob?”  What exactly does he do?

Richard’s job is to work as Jacob’s emissary on the Island.  He is supposed to influence the Losties to do “good,” and help them to avoid the temptation to sin.

4) Huh?  Why the heck does Jacob care what the Losties do?  Why doesn’t he just mind his own beeswax?

Jacob Butt-in-ski

You see, Jacob and Man in Black / Smokey have had this little running argument going on since the dawn of time.  Man in Black (MIB for short) believes that people are inherently EEVVILL, and can be made BAD, with just the slightest push in the wrong direction.  Jacob, conversely, believes people are inherently GOOD. 

 So, to test out his little theory, Jacob keeps making people with dubious pasts crash onto the island, so that he can REDEEM them, and show MIB what’s what!

5) Man in Black / Smokey keeps talking about wanting to “Go Home.”  He seems like a pretty powerful mother f-er to me!  Why doesn’t he just LEAVE?

Remember that story you read when you were little, called Pandora’s Box?  You know the one where Pandora had this box that housed all the evil in the world.  And when she opened it, all the evil escaped?  Well, according to Jacob, the Island is kind of like “Pandora’s wine bottle.” 

Man in Black / Smokey is an EVVVIIIIL force swirling around in a vaccuum, kind of like wine in a bottle.  The island is like the bottle’s cork.  It keeps the EVVVIILLL from escaping out into the real world . . .

6) What’s the deal with Team Jacob?  Why are its members’ names listed on Jacob’s wheel and Man in Black / Smokey’s cabin wall?  And why is Ilana stuck protecting them all?

You see, EVVVILLL MIB believes that he can escape the island if, and only IF, he kills Jacob.  Worried that MIB is correct in his assumption, Jacob has to keep finding replacements for himself.  These replacements will ultimately take over Jacob’s task of keeping new Losties “good” and preventing MIB from blowing this island popsicle stand. 

Both MIB and Jacob appear to be “keeping score” on Jacob’s prospective replacements, in their own way.  When one prospective replacement dies or “turns bad,” he is crossed off both of their lists.  (Score One for Team EEVVILL.) 

Ilana has the dubious honor of keeping the prospective replacements both “good” and “alive.”

7) How about that slave ship, The Black Rock, that was found shipwrecked on the island?  How did that get there?

The Black Rock was a ship owned by Mangus Hanso during the late 19th century. (Get it?  HANSO, as in the “Hanso Foundation?” You know, the group that started the Dharma Initiative on the Island back in the 70’s?) 

The Black Rock washed up on the island, as a result of a tidal wave, back in 1867.  Richard first arrived on the island as a prisoner on that ship.  Yeah, he’s THAT old . . .

8) Is your brain hurting as much as mine is right now?

 More later, kiddies . . .