Tag Archives: jail

The Firestarter – A Recap of Once Upon a Time’s “The Snow Queen”

<a href=”http://happynicetimepeople.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/11/blowing.gif”><img class=”size-full wp-image-25931 aligncenter” src=”http://happynicetimepeople.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/11/blowing.gif&#8221; alt=”blowing” width=”500″ height=”281″ /></a>

In a season that’s been all about snow monsters, people who shoot ice out of their fingers, and women who accidentally/on purpose get turned into popsicles, “The Snow Queen” was a nice, refreshing, change of pace. Why, you ask? Because this was an hour of television that brought the heat, in more ways than one . . .

Now, unless you own an ice cream shop or a ski lodge, or just find the refrigerator in your home to be a huge waste of space, the ability to shoot icicles from your finger is pretty much one of the least useful super powers ever.

<a href=”http://happynicetimepeople.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/10/ouat-4.3-ice-cream.jpg”><img class=”aligncenter wp-image-24834 size-full” src=”http://happynicetimepeople.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/10/ouat-4.3-ice-cream.jpg&#8221; alt=”Gluten free, death full!” width=”587″ height=”280″ /></a>

(Almost as unhelpful in life as “being able to tell when people are lying <del datetime=”2014-11-10T03:14:15+00:00″>except for when its plot convenient for you not to be able to tell.</del>”)

Shooting firebolts from your fingers on the other hand, now THAT is pure awesomesauce.
<p style=”text-align: center;”><a href=”http://happynicetimepeople.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/10/finger-magic.jpg”><img class=”alignnone size-full wp-image-25347″ src=”http://happynicetimepeople.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/10/finger-magic.jpg&#8221; alt=”finger magic” width=”599″ height=”337″ /></a></p>
Consider this for a moment. In a single episode, we saw Emma’s magical hot fingers used to warm baby bottles . . .

. . . convert dull tap water into sparkling . . .

. . . provide an inexpensive form of mood lighting . . .

. . . offer demolition and remodeling services . . .

. . . and redirect traffic.
<p style=”text-align: center;”><a href=”http://happynicetimepeople.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/11/haha-snow1.gif”><img class=”alignnone size-full wp-image-25952″ src=”http://happynicetimepeople.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/11/haha-snow1.gif&#8221; alt=”haha snow” width=”500″ height=”240″ /></a></p>
Also bringing the heat, this week, Regina and Robin, who taught all of us the very important lesson that, while cheaters never win, they still can be really awesome kissers.

<a href=”http://happynicetimepeople.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/11/more-makeout.gif”><img class=”wp-image-25928 size-full” src=”http://happynicetimepeople.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/11/more-makeout.gif&#8221; alt=”more makeout” width=”245″ height=”150″ /></a> Game of Bones
<p style=”text-align: left;”>More importantly, amidst all of this “hot stuff,” the titular Snow Queen finally got her own backstory. And, holy heck, was it a heart breaker (heart freezer?) One that arguably sets her apart as one of the most sympathetic villains in <em>Once</em> history, played with devastating vulnerability and an understated and, dare I say, chilly, grace by Elizabeth Mitchell.</p>
<p style=”text-align: center;”><a href=”http://happynicetimepeople.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/11/cant-love.gif”><img class=”alignnone size-full wp-image-25922″ src=”http://happynicetimepeople.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/11/cant-love.gif&#8221; alt=”cant love” width=”245″ height=”240″ /></a></p>
<p style=”text-align: left;”>Let’s review, shall we?</p>

You can check out the rest of the recap here.

Leave a comment

Filed under Once Upon a Time

Unknown Caller – A Recap of Pretty Little Liars’ Season 3 Premiere “It Happened That Night”

Source

Sorry, A!  It looks like we are going to have to save that request for Pretty Little Liars: Spring Break Edition . . . or at least until PLL gets picked up by HBO.

Welcome back, my Pretties!  Long time, no “A.” . . .

Let’s see, it’s been five months in Rosewood Time (and about three months in Real Time) . . .

 . . .  since the erstwhile social pariah, turned Queen B, turned psychotic lunatic with a text-messaging addiction, Mona van der Waal donned her evil black hoodie, and evil-er raccoon eye makeup, and took a long leap into a short ditch, but, miraculously, didn’t die.

So, what have our favorite PLL’s been doing during all this supposedly A-free time?  Let’s review, shall we?

Nightmare on Spencer’s Street 

Nearly two years ago, to the day, the pilot episode of PLL bean with what ended up being the Worst High School Sleepover Party EVER!  Sure, everything started out normal enough.  There was gossip, girly pop music, ambiguous liquor being consumed out of not-so-ambiguous red cups . . .

But then Ali snuck out for a quicky with Creepy Pedo Ian, and the rest is, for lack of a better term, “history.” . . .

And how do the girls plan on commemorating the proud day when their bestie got her head bashed in by a shovel?  By throwing another slumber party, of course!

Source 

We get a creepy sense of deja vu as the girls listen to Rihanna (By the way, does anybody remember what pop song was playing during the pilot?), while drinking from those all-too-familiar red plastic cups, and discussing the summer that recently passed.  Emily spent her summer building homes in Haiti, where, at least according to Hanna, up to 50 people can live in one house.  (If that’s true, I wonder how many bathrooms she built.)  Aria and Spencer took college courses, while Hanna had an obscene amount of sex took cooking classes with Caleb.

What’s cooking, good looking? 

Just to remind the fans that she (or he, or they) is still around, “A” instructs the girls, via text message, to expose their tatas to the viewing audience.  Clever!  Maybe the real “A” is a dude, after all . . .

In hindsight, I think the point of the text was to foreshadow that the girls were under close surveillance by at least one member of the so-called “A” team.  But at the time it just made me giggle . . . you know, because they said “boobs” on the “Good Little Christian Channel” that is ABC Family . . . also, because I’m 12 . . .

Emily, who has been getting progressively drunker by the minute (By the way, Drunk Emily = My New Favorite Character on this show), thinks the whole “show your boobs” thing is a Great Idea!  And if this show actually had any male fans, I suspect they would too.

Source

Now, in most cases (with the exception, perhaps, of during Mardi Gras0, when a woman starts offering to expose herself in public, that’s a pretty good indicator that she should be cut off, liquor-wise.  “Nahhhh, you just keep getting sh*tfaced,” decides Hanna.

And why not?  After all Drunken Exhibitionist Emily is SOO much more fun than the mopey sober one, who whines aout Maya being dead / missing all the time.

On second thought, I may have spoken a bit too soon.  In the course of about a minute, Emily morphs from being a slightly jaded, but still hilarious drunk, to a killjoy depressive drunk.  (Isn’t that always how it works?)  When Spencer brightly tries to engage the girls in a toast to their upcoming senior year . . .

 . . .  Debbie owner Emily reminds them all that Maya will never get to be a senior . . . you know, because she’s like . . . dead . . . and stuff.

(Don’t fret, Emily!)  Maya DID make it to her senior year .  . . about ten years ago . . .  on Dawson’s Creek.

Now, it’s the middle of the night, Aria and a very hungover Hanna (Both girls must have been pretty hammered to fall asleep with their boots on . . . SOOO uncomfortable) . . .

 . . . wake up to find the front door to Spencer’s home open, and both Spencer and Emily MIA.

As if on cue, Spencer rushes own the stairs to inform the girls that Emily is, in fact, gone.  (Sound familiar?)

Source 

Yes, Spencer, you looked everywhere . . . including upstairs, even though the most obvious place to look for Emily was OUTSIDE considering that the DOOR WAS WIDE OPEN.

And you’re supposed to be the Smart One!

Now, Spencer has always been my favorite little liar . . . after Hanna . . . and now Drunk Emily.  But even I have to admit, her actions throughout this scene were SUPER SHADY with a capital “SUPER,” especially considering that she was also the first PLL to notice that the now-dead Ali was missing the summer prior.

Source

First off, why didn’t Spencer think to call Emily’s cell phone, the minute she noticed she was missing . . . like Hanna does, just moments after she awakens.  Oh wait . . . she did . . . only she blocked her number from Emily’s phone.  Spencer, of course, claims to have no memory of this call.  She claims that someone must have come into the house and made the call, while she was asleep.  o we believe her?  For now, I think we do.  But it’s still mighty suspicious . . .

The Grave Mistake

Anyway, back to Drunk Emily.  Now, when some people get wasted, they black out and wind up in bed with inappropriate people.  Other people get waste, black out, and end up getting married at an Elvis Chapel in Vegas.  Still others get wasted, black out, and wake up in a pool of their own vomit.  Emily’s fate was worse than two of these options . . .

Hey, Ali.  Aren’t we a little too old for Hide and Seek?

I think we can probably assume, based on what we learn later in the episode that the A-team somehow further drugged Emily, shoved her in the trunk of one of their cars (Blind Jenna’s), drove her to the cemetery, dug up the body, then pulled Emily out of the trunk of the car, handed her the shovel and drove away.  That said, I’m not quite sure why Emily’s reaction to all this was to stand like a zombie over the empty coffin, still holding the shovel, from the time Hanna called her to the time the girls finally arrived at the cemetery to pick her up.

Nevertheless, the PLL girls, who’ve gotten pretty adept at cleaning up crime scenes, quickly wipe Emily’s prints off the offending shovel, and get the f*&k out of there.  For some reason, and I don’t exactly recall why, the group splits up.  Spencer and Emily return to Spencer’s house, to engage in a rather homoerotic exchange, in which Spencer demands that Emily strip for her, so that the former can burn her clothes, which can now be construed as evidence.  (Hey!  It looks like Emily got to show someone her boobs, after all!)

Source 

Elsewhere, Hanna and Aria are shocked to find a new-and-not-so-improved Lucas (now with facial hair!) lurking around town in the middle of the night.  Could Lucas be a part of the mysterious “A” team?

Only time (and a few more episodes) will tell.

Anywhoo, Boss Woman Spencer unilaterally decides that the girls will all head to her creepy lakehouse (a.k.a. the place where Hanna and Caleb had sex on Spencer’s nanna’s couch), and claim to have spend the night there, thus providing them with an alibi for the grave robbing for which at least one of them looks extremely guilty . . .

You know what they say . . . if the shovel fits . . .

And it’s a good thing too, because, sure enough, the next morning, Ali’s body snatching is all across small-town news, and the girls need to have their story straight, when they are inevitably questioned by the cops about it . . .

Hmmm . . . so, let’s see.  What else happened this week?

Cooking with Caleb

Hanna talked dirty to Caleb . . . something about dongs . . . or is it “dong po.”  The pair cooked together, while Hanna fibbed about going to the shrink, when she’s actually been visiting Crazy Pants Mona this entire summer.  Caleb, of course, assumed that Hanna spent much of her time in therapy talking about him, because, and I quote “We are intimate.”

Source 

In other news, Caleb now needs to turn in his Man Card, because, in the course of a single episode, he grocery shopped, used the word “intimate” to describe something other than underwear, and cooked a meal with a name that sounds specifically similar to a very private part of the male anatomy . . .

Source 

In other couples’ news .  . .

In which Abs Toby gives Spencer a blue shirt (and blue something else) . . .

Abs Toby is a TOTAL TEASE!  First he parades around Spencer’s bedroom wet and half-naked all summer.  Then he lets her wear his shirt, and DENIES HER SEX.  (I’d say Toby has to turn in his Man Card too . . . but I can’t.  I mean, LOOK at those abs .  . .

 Source

Speaking of Spencer, I should also note that, throughout the episode she gets calls from a blocked phone number, though she seems to know exactly who’s calling each time.  She keeps these calls a secret from the girls and Toby though, all of which makes her seem even more shady . . .

Eventually, we learn that those calls are actally coming from Police Boy Garrett, who seems to be using all his limited phone privileges on the little liar, who probably hates him the most.  So, I guess that means conjugal visits were probably out of the question . . .

“A police boy can dream, can’t he?” 

But more on those two, a bit later.  First we have to talk about Aria and her “thing” with bathrooms . . .

“Hey, remember that time you and I almost banged in a dirty bar bathroom?  Good times!”

Meanwhile, over in Ezria land, Fitzy cleverly decides to remind Aria that this day is not just the day her friend’s rotten decaying corpse was stolen from the ground . . . nor is it the anniversary of the day that same friend was bludgeoned to death . . . it’s also the anniversary of the day the two of them met in a bar, and, moments later, almost got VD by banging in a dirty bar bathroom . . .

Source 

Given those oh-so-fond memories, you would think that Aria would really LIKE bathrooms . . . but . . . apparently not.  Apparently, bathrooms give Aria panic attacks.

Source 

No offense, Fitzy . . .

Anywhoo Aria’s and Fitzy’s plans to “Recreate the Date” of their first public restroom screw, are foiled when Aria gets called in by the cops for questioning about the disappearance of Ali’s body.  Mommy is there, when Aria’s finished.  And she has some not-so-kind words to say to Fitzy, while Aria’s isn’t around to hear them.

“HISSSSSSSS!”

(Did I mention that Mommy Montgomery and Daddy Montgomery are getting a divorce?  At least we won’t have to watch them making out anymore.  Yuck.)  Nevertheless, the two Aria lovers manage to retract their claws temporarily for Aria’s sake, and even agree to a sit down dinner date.  How very mature of them all . . . even the underage one . . .

OMG!  Psych Ward Mona is creepy.  Why the heck would Hanna . . .  WREEEEEENNNNN!

In slightly less happy couple news, Hanna just can’t seem to “quit” Mona, even though the latter pretty much ruined her entire life, and possibly tried to have her killed on more than one occasion.  Unbeknownst to the rest of the PLL girls (though she eventually comes clean later in the episode), she’s been visiting the wackadoo at what appears to be the psych ward from Every Bad Horror Movie Ever .  . . all the way down to the pee-colored yellow walls, saggy beds, and, of course, dirty chairs.  Hang out too long in a place like this, and if you aren’t already crazy, you’ll be there in a month or so .  . .

“Mona, girlfriend.  You’ve gotta cut those split ends from your hair.  And the big baggy white nuthouse nightgown look is SOOOO last season.” 

I’ve seen toilet bowl seats that were cleaner than this . . . 

So as not to clue anyone from town into her visits, Hanna’s been seeing Mona under a fake last name . . . wait for it . . . Rivers.  I guess Caleb Rivers would probably be amused to know this . . . after all, the two ARE “intimate” . . .

Of all the PLL girls, Hanna was, by far, the closest to Mona.  She truly considered the girl a friend, having confided many secrets in her, as the pair traveled the ranks of popularity together.

This makes Mona’s betrayal wound Hanna much deeper than the other girls.  And so she finds herself in desperate need of closure.  She needs to know why.

Source 

Unfortunately for Hanna, Mona isn’t exactly in the closure-giving mood, lately.  Rather, she is in the stare at the wall blankly and drool mood.  In fact, the only time we get any sort of reaction from Mona, is the SUPER CREEPY smile she gets on her face when she hallucinates “Ali” reading Lolita, in the chair behind Hanna.

Is Mona for real?  Is she faking it?  There’s one scene in the episode, in which Mona rises to watch Hanna converse with the doctors and nurses outside Mona’s door, that seems to suggest that is exactly what she is doing.

Source 

“PEEKABOO, I SEEEE YOUUUUU!”

But one thing is for sure, Mona didn’t act alone as “A.”  In fact, the girls can pinpoint at least two times during which Mona COULDN’T have done the things that “A” did.  One of them was the time “A” snuck into Emily’s spa session and massaged her.  (Mona was with Hanna at the time.)  The second one was moving Ian’s hanging body from the bell tower.

“Just hanging out.”

Mona simply isn’t strong enough for that.  The question, of course, is who was helping Mona complete these tasks, and more importantly why.  The seeming lack of motive for these torture sessions are the most confusing thing about them.

But enough about that.  Let’s talk about WREEEENNNNNNN!

Wren’s position as the Only Doctor in Rosewood, apparently extend to psych wards.  (When does this guy sleep?)  For a guy with romantic feelings for Spencer, Wren seems oddly invested in Mona’s fate, even going as far as to personally call Hanna on the phone to  ensure that she continues visiting the looney tune.

Next week, we’ll learn that Wren’s father suffered from mental illness (schizophrenia, perhaps?).   I have to say, I kind of love the writers for taking the time to explore, and provide a back story for this seemingly side character . . . And not just because he’s super hot, and has an adorable accent . . . well,  maybe 95% of my interest has to do with that.  But the last 5% is totally intellectual, I swear! 😉

Speaking of the boys of PLL, what’s the deal with Lucas?  I used to ship him with Hanna.  And now, all the sudden, much like Mona, he’s wandering around town disaffected and zombified.  (Perhaps, being part of the A-team means becoming a zombie.  That would be an interesting supernatural twist on this mystery, wouldn’t it?)

That said, I have to say, the black clothes, and slight facial hair, really work for this guy.   He looks so dark and tortured now.  Sexy . . .

Why Emily needs Ginko-Baloba

Speaking of people who have been a little off lately, Emily definitely seems to be going off the rails a bit.  On registration day at school, she hangs back from the girls, staring at the longingly from outside the school.

(What’s with all the creepy staring in this episode?)

 Upon meeting with her old pal, and sort-of/kind of erstwhile boyfriend, Abs Toby, Emily admits to having developed quite the little drinking problem over the summer.  In fact, the opening scene of the episode, is far from the first time she’s blacked out,  “lost time,” and awoken to find that she’s done something she wouldn’t normally do .  . . you know, like have sex with inappropriate people, get married in Vegas, or sleep in your own vomit.

Abs Toby, being Abs Toby is super supportive, and not-at-all judgmental of Emily, which is exactly what she needs right now.  He tells her that her friends love her for who she is . . . a drunk, who’s sometimes slutty, and possibly enjoys digging up dead bodies,  just as much as she enjoys building homes in Haiti.

Back at home, we see that much of Emily’s problem is that she still really hasn’t adjusted to Maya’s disappearance.   We watch as she sadly wraps one of Maya’s picture, with a scarf the latter gave her, back when the two started dating.

Source 

Man, this episode is depressing . . .

In brighter news, Emily’s memory from at least one of her drunken blackout moments seems to be coming back to her.  Out for a head-clearing jog, Emily sees a car (It’s actually the same one we saw the no longer blind Jenna driving, back in the season finale.) . . .

 . . .  and distinctly remembers being stuck in it’s trunk on the night of the grave robbing.  She’ll get her answers yet.   If she can stop getting wasted long enough to comprehend them . . .

In which Police Boy Garrett begs for Spencer’s help, upon learning that all those rumors about jailhouses and dropped soap are 100% true.

Speaking of wasted, Police Boy Garrett is in bad shape.  The guy who used to bone both Blind Jenna, and B*tch Sister Melissa, positively reeks of desperation, when Spencer visits him in his jail cell, after he’s called her phone about a dozen times from the pokey.  One sight that Police Boy is in trouble, the new hairdo . . . it’s kind of sexy, in a badass sort of way.  And if I like it, you can be assured that the other inmates do too, if you catch my drift.

Watch out, Police Boy.  I hear some of your cell mates are really big fans of The Lizzie McGuire Movie.

Apparently, Police Boy’s defense lawyers had just petitioned the exhumation of Ali’s body, claiming that something on her year-long rotted corpse could prove his innocence.  This means that the “A” team in which he used to be a part, severely betrayed him by taking the body, quite possibly to protect themselves.  It puts him in a unique position to help the PLL girls, if they trust him enough to let him.  Police Boy Garrett tries to bargain with Spencer.  He’ll tell her what she knows, if she gets her mother to help with his defense.  You know, because Spencer’s mom is “the best lawyer in the country,” or something.

“In the words of Harvey Levin from TMZ, I’m a lawyer!” 

Understandably, Spencer isn’t too thrilled about helping the guy who almost got HER put behind bars for the exact same murder.  And yet, as she leaves the jail cell, there is something Police Boy Garrett say that gives her pause . . .

Source 

He doesn’t know crap about Maya though, who he also supposedly killed.  I’m starting to think her death/disappearance might be completely unrelated to this whole “A” thing . . .

Field Trip to Creepo Motel

In other keeping secrets news, we learn that Spencer’s has been spending her spare time visiting, and trying to recreate “A’s” lair, which we got to see in last season’s finale.  Apparently, the place had been cleared out, pretty much instantaneously upon Mona’s arrest, and not by the cops either.  Spencer immediately suspects the  highly suspicious chick who dressed up the black swan at the girls’ junior prom.  You know, because everyone knows the Black Swan is ALWAYS NUTS!

Toward the end of the episode, the girls decide to take a little trip down to the place, to see what they can remember.  But when they emerge from the hotel, they have a little surprise waiting for them . . .

Ending episode scenes of PLL have always been my favorite parts of the episode, and this one is no exception.  You’ve really gotta love the CRAZY of these A people.  We find the car the PLL girls arrived in, open on all sides and positively littered with incriminating images of the girls at the cemetery the night of Ali’s grave robbing.  Once again, “A” appears to be all places at all times.  And if the message she (or he, or they) delivers to the girls at the end of the episode is any indication, New A means serious business.   “Mona played with dolls.   I play with body parts.  Game on, b*tches. – A.”

Quite a leap, from “Show me your boobs, right?”

Next week on PLL . . . (By the way, as always, the Canadian promo is about ten times better than the American one.  What gives, USA?)

Until next time, my Pretties!

[www.juliekushner.com][Fangirls Forever]

7 Comments

Filed under Pretty Little Liars

The Graveyard Shift – A Recap of Teen Wolf’s “Omega” and “Shape Shifted”

[I didn’t forget about you, my Pretties!  A recap for Pretty Little Liars’ “It Happened That Night” should be up within the next 24-hours.  I promise to try and make it extra special snarky, and screencappy, so that (hopefully) it will be worth the wait.]

 

Welcome back, Werebangers!  With a brand new, more than a bit porn-y, opening sequence . . .

. . .  and a slew of new characters on both sides of the werewolf / hunter divide, Teen Wolf’s actors and writers have promised that this season will be sexier, darker, gorier, and more frightening than the last. So, of course, this begs the question:  Did the first two episodes deliver?

Let’s review, shall we?

(As always, I’d like to offer a hearty were-banging thank you to my good pal Andre, for the awesome screencaps you see here . . . particularly the shirtless ones. ;))

-OMEGA-

Slippery When Wet

Jackson waits, while a school of female fish shove dollar bills in his underpants.

One thing can be said for the writers of Teen Wolf . . . they sure do know their audience.  Opening the episode with a wet, ripped-shirted Jackson, emerging from a river, in all his rippling pectoral glory, was an absolutely ingenious move.

 “Here’s the bite that I knew was there all along, but I’m going to pretend to be surprised about, so that you can look at my arm muscles, while I flex.”

In fact, I bet 98% of viewers were so aroused by the sight, they completely failed to realize that it had no significance to the plot, whatsoever.  Then again, lizards / shapeshifters enjoy the water . . . Like I said . . . brilliant.

Source 

You know what was slightly less brilliant?  This . .  .

“Weeeeeeeeeee!”

Scott Receives an Ultimatum / Gets the Runs

Poor Scott!  Only you (and some REALLY bad CGI graphics) can make the sight of a wolf-in-heat, rushing to hump his prime mate,  look like a constipated crab on acid.

“Doh!”

On one hand, I truly appreciated the effort the producers put into this scene.  It would have been much easier for them to go with the tried and true “Superman Effect,” in attempting to illustrate that Scott . . . um . . . runs fast, now that he’s lupine.  But we’ve all seen that before.  I can guarantee that you’ve never seen this.  So, it was something new . . . new and unintentionally hilarious.  But new, nonetheless.

We interuppt this Constipated Crab Moment to bring you a flashback  . .  one that presumably takes place in the not-too-distant past, but definitely after the events of the season finale.  Scott and Alli are hard at work sucking face in Alli’s car.  (At least, I think it’s Alli’s.  Scott still doesn’t have his own wheels, right?)

ALLISON” “Uh, Scott?  I don’t know how to tell you this, but you kind of have dog breath.”

SCOTT:  “Sorry.  I ate a squirrel on the way over here.”

All of the suddden, Papa Arent rips Scott out of the car by his shirt, and pins him violently against the hood of the car, pressing the barrel of a gun right into his skin.

Foreplay?

My first instinct was to think that this was a really dumb move on Daddy’s part.  After all, threatening a horny werewolf like that is the surest way of getting your cajones chewed off.  Then, I remembered that getting Scott to lash out is precisely Papa Argent’s modus operandi, just as it was with Derek, last season . . .

“Make . . . my . . . day . . . White Fang!”

One show of fang from Scott, would be all it took to permit Daddy to blow the former’s brain’s out under his so called “Argent Family Code of Honor.”  But, Code or no Code, having a gun in your face, or in the face of your boyfriend .  .  . well .  . . it kind of sucks.  And I suspect it’s that generalized suckiness that prompts Allison to tearfully cut a deal with her father, while remind the latter that this not-so big, not-all-that-bad, wolf had actually saved both father and daughter’s life, in the not-so-distant past.

“I’ll never see [Scott] again,” promises the girl who goes to school with Scott, has a locker fairly close to his, and even, if I recall correctly, shares a couple of classes with him.

Papa Argent relucantly agrees to this compromise.  (Papa Argent is kind of a moron . . . but hot, in that scruffy, middle-aged, Poor Man’s George Clooney-kind-of-way.)  Once Daddy-o is safely out of the picture, Scott andd Allison share an angsty hug on the roof of the car, as Allison tries to politely ignore the fact that Scott recently peed himself . . .

Back in Present Day, Scott and his goofy crab legs sneak into Allison’s bedroom windo wfor an impromptu sex session.  (Well,  that didn’t take long .  . . and I mean that in more ways than one.)

Now, don’t get me wrong.  I’m all for watching attractive people hump one another on my television screen.  Who isn’t?

On the other hand, I feel like we get scenes like this, between Scott and Allison just about every other episode.  Not to mention the fact that THEY ALWAYS LOOK EXACTLY THE SAME!  The same location . . . (Allison’s room / bed) . . .  the same fumbling awkwardness to the tune of blaring pop music . . . the same . . .  choreography.  In fact, you could probably cut and paste any Sallison sex scene from any episode, into another episode, without anyone being any the wiser.

From Season 1 

Now, I get that, as far as teen sex goes, monotony and awkwardness, is actually rather realistic.  I just kind of wish that these two would change things up every once in a while . . . you know .  . . for the fans!  For example, have sex in Scott’s house sometimes (His mom DOES work the night shift at the hospital,  after all.), try out a couple of different sexual positions (doggy style?), some rap music (Snoop Dog), a little role playing (Little Red Riding Hood), maybe even some fun costumes (dog collar).

In the couple’s defense, they do happen to be kind of pressed for time.  Not two minutes into the pop song, Mama Argent comes back for where ever the heck she was prior to this moment, and barges into Allison’s room.

SCOTT:  “Do you think we should . . .  I don’t know . . . like invite her to join in?”

ALLISON: “Scott, that’s my MOM!”

SCOTT: “I know.  But I don’t want to be rude!”

To say Mommy Dearest is suspicious of her daughter’s recent behavior is the understatement of the century.

That Mama Argent . . . she sure is one scary b*tch.  From her severe, woman-discharged-from-the-Marines-for-beating-up-her-comrades haircut, to her monotone voice, to those big alien eyes, to the way she not-so-subtly thrashes about Allison’s room opening closets, peeking under beds, and just barely failing to locate the naked Scott, now-hiding on the rooftop . . .

Best Christmas Decoration EVER! 

 . . . I’m pretty sure this was the most frightening scene in the entire episode.  And if you recall, this was an episode where SOME GUY GOT CHOPPED IN HALF!

Nevertheless, Scott somehow manages to escape from the Argent household undetected by the parental units.   He always does!

Meanwhile, over in the hospital . . .

It could have been worse.  She could have opted for a bath . . .

It’s safe to say that less than a week has passed since the events of last season’s finale . . . otherwise, Stiles REALLY needs a shower.  According to Scott’s mom, my loveable little Yoda man has spent every waking minute (and more than a few sleeping ones) holding vigil at Lydia’s hospital bedside, as she recovers from the unfortunate “Alpha Mauling” she suffered, during her prom.

We find our hero, dozing on an uncomfortable chair, and engaging in a rather naughty conversation with some dream girl . . . or maybe boy.

“Oh Derek! You look so good wearing my t-shirt.  Now take it off.” 

“You’re SO dirty,” a sleeping Stiles muses, as a smile creeps across his lips.  “You first.  No, me first?  Well . . .”

Source 

Needless to say, I would PAY to get inside that dream sequence.  As a groggy Stiles awakens to hit the vending machine, we turn our attention to Lydia, who rudely (but wisely . . . we all know what 75% of the parents are like on this show) rejects her father’s offer to help her into the shower.  As our heroine lathers herself,  we notice that the water beneath her feet is becoming increasingly tinged with black goo.  Not cool at all!

Rather than stepping out of the dirty shower and calling an attendant, like most normal people would do in this situation, “self-sufficient” Lydia decides to play plumber, digging into the disgusting drain with her bare hands.  Now, the black water is almost up to her knees.  She brings her hands upward to find piles and piles of  . . . HAIR.  Lydia cries in disgust, but she still doesn’t get out of the tub until SOME DEAD GUYS HAND GRABS AT HER FROM THE DRAIN . . .

Need a hand? 

Cue the screaming . . .

I find it interesting that everyone on the show, including Stiles and Scott (who at this point is miles away) recognizes Lydia’s trademark screams.  Stiles promptly abandons his happy reunion with the Reeses Pieces he freed from that stubborn vending machine, and rushes to his lady love’s side.  But when he and the doctor’s arrive . .  . wait for it . . . she’s gone!  Oh, and the water is sparkling clean and hair free.  Go figure!

Oh, P.S., in her haste to escape the Evil Man Hand, Lydia forgot something very important . . . her clothes.   Way to go, Lady Godiva!

Always the smartest kid in the room, Stiles cleverly snags Lydia’s hospital gown, so that his doggy friend can track down her scent.  Yoda then promptly reunites with Allison the Werewolf Slayer and Teen Wolf,  in hopes of finding Lydia before the Argents do.  The image of  Scott riding with his head out the window like a Golden Retriever, sniffing the wind, will likely stay etched in my memory forever.  In fact, I think it’s some of the best acting we’ve seen Tyler Posey do, since this show started.  No joke.

“It’s hard to smell Lydia in the middle of all this gasoline and roadkill.” 

Meanwhile, over at Kate Argent’s grave . . .

Pet Cemetery

Some teenager is operating a crane to dig the hole in the ground that will eventually include the body of Kate Argent.  We know this teenager is important, because he’s attractive.  And no attractive faces go to waste on this show.  (By the way, what kind of cemetery hires a 16-year old to operate heavy machinery like that in the middle of the night?  That’s just bad for business.)

“Child labor laws are for wimps.  My little brother delivers newspapers in his diapers.” 

Random Teen Who We Don’t Know Yet, hears a gross munching sound, and finds a werewolf munching on the liver of one of the deceased.

The werewolf notices the teen, and easily upends the crane.  Now, Random Teen We Don’t Know Yet is stuck under a crane in the grave he just dug for Kate Argent, just waiting to be eaten.  But worry not, Random Teen!  Derek is here to rescue you!

This almost makes getting buried alive worth it . . . 

Just hanging out . . .

Elsewhere, Scott’s cute little doggy nose has led his search party to the area outside Derek’s house, sight of . . . well . . . pretty much every bad thing that’s ever happened on this show ever . . . Then again, it’s also where we first got to see this . . .

Stiles finds something he thinks might be a clue.   “Hey!  Is this a trip wire?”  He exclaims excitedly.

And Stiles is supposed to be the Smart One . . . 

Whoops!  Next thing you know, Scott’s hanging from a tree.  Thus, proving that even Yoda makes mistakes.  The Argent hunters arrive shortly thereafter, and some threatening words are exchanged between Scott and Papa Argent.  The latter intimates that he suspects Lydia of being a newly turned werewolf, and if he finds her, he’ll chop her body in half.  What a swell guy!

 I actually think Lydia’s not a wolf, but, rather, a Banshee Death Alarm.  But hey, what do I know?

Jackson’s “Time of the Month”

The following morning, the cops are on the lookout for Lydia and the graverobber who attacked Random Teen and ate some corpse’s liver at a cemetery.  (Could the two be one in the same?)  Stiles dad the Sheriff (Remember him?)  questions Random Teen along with his father, a.k.a. The Guy who played Mitch Leery on Dawson’s Creek.  I swear, Dawson’s dad hasn’t aged a day.  He must be a vampire.

Or the Flash . . . same difference. 

Derek approaches Jackson for help finding Lydia, since (1) the three of them are presumably all part of the same were pack now; and (2) well, Jackson DID date the girl, after all.  But Jackson has no interest in becoming part of any pack OR helping his ex girlfriend not be chopped in half.  Jackson is clearly a total sociopath . . . one who’s mean to homeless hippy werewolves.

Source 

He’s also bleeding profusely out of his nose and ears . . . black blood . . . kind of like the stuff Lydia found in her shower.

Ease up on the coke . . . man.

Some might say that getting a female period in your nose is the price you pay for being an asshat.  But Derek clearly has a bigger heart than I do.  He looks legitimately worried for Jackson, when he tells the latter that the excessive bleeding is a sign that his body is rejecting the werewolf bite.

Your face may be all f*&ked up.  But you’re ass is clearly open for business.”

This, of course, begs two questions: (1) Why is Jackson’s body rejecting the bite, when Scott’s didn’t?  (Is it simply because there’s still wolfsbane in his system, or is there a more interesting reason, like, for example something in Jackson’s lineage?), and (2) What are the repercussions of this for Jackson?  (Will he die?  Will he eventually turn into the so-called “Abomination” hinted at in the trailers for this season?  Will he need to constantly have tampons hanging out of his nose?)

Four Maulings and a Funeral

Back at school, we are reunited with some old characters . . . like that Creepy Chemistry Teacher everyone used to think was the Alpha, who REALLY has it in for Stiles, after the latter’s father tried to peg him for murder  . . .

No reason for this picture.  I just wanted to share with you the awesomeness that is Stiles’ t-shirt . . . and this is coming from someone who doesn’t ever want to have kids . . . 

. . . and everyone’s favorite Crackpot Lacrosse Coach .  . .

Separated at birth? 

We are also introduced to some new characters, like the weird (but, of course, still attractive) guy with the camera, who seems to have a real hard-on for Allison.  (Doesn’t everybody on this show?)

“I fulfill the show’s emo quotient.  I also might be a shapeshifter who takes pictures of people and thinks so I can assume their forms at a later time.

There’s also a sweet scene in which Scott comforts a distraught Allison, as she prepares to attend her aunt’s funeral . . . you know . . . if you are into that sort of thing . . .

. .  . sweet scenes, I mean, not funerals  . . . though, of course, you might be into those too.

At Kate’s funeral, the press and that creepy camera guy are all hounding the Argents.  Then this old  guy comes and breaks creepy camera guy’s film cartridge, after the former snaps some pictures of Allison.

“Dammit.  I knew I should have used my iPhone instead.” 

Turns out, this is her grandpa, and he’s one scary dude.  In fact, Grandpa Argent and his Crazy Eyes make Papa Argent look like Big Bird by comparison (Not Mama Argent though . . .  she’s still the scariest.)

Stiles and Scott watch these events unfold before them, as the pair hide behind and old gravestone.  Always trying to keep things positive,  Stiles suggests that possibly Gramps and the rest of the Argents are just here for the funeral.  But Scott knows better.  “They are reinforcements,” he says glumly.

“You know, Stiles’ dad is kinda buff.  Maybe’ HE’S the lizard.” 

Then Stiles’ dad finds the scheming pair, and drags them back to a squad car.  They aren’t there long though.  A call comes in about someone attack an ambulance and eating it’s already dead passenger.  Stiles and Scott, of course, immediately assume it’s Lydia doing the eating.  How rude!

As soon as the two can get away, they form their own search party in the woods.  “Just find her,” pleads Stiles, in regard to his lady love.  (Sigh!)

Source 

Shortly thereafter, Scott smells wolf and takes off in the direction of the stench.  Turns out, it’s not Lydia at all.   It’s that dirty hippie wolf who’s been eating all the dead people.  Go figure!  The two tussle, but Scott eventually loses sight of the guy, until that is, the latter gets tripped up by, you guessed it, another trip wire.

Worst . . . gig . . . ever .  . . 

Enter the Argent Family . . .

He didn’t really need those pesky legs anyway . . .

Grandpa Argent has a big f*&king sword . . . I’m talking Medieval, Game of Thrones sh*t here.  As he waves around his surrogate weiner, Gramps waxes poetic about Omega wolves, who, for whatever reason, lack pack affiliation, and therefore are weak, and easily killed.  Dirty Hippie Wolf tries in vain to defend himself.  He was just looking for the Alpha, he swears!  He didn’t hurt anyone living . . . and therefore never ran afoul of the Argent’s precious Code.

Too bad for Wolfie, that Gramps doesn’t need no stinking Codes.  He slices through Dirty Hippie Wolf’s bottom half like it’s butter.  There’s this creepy moment where the wolf looks down at his now half-body with fascination, before bleeding to death.

“This is SO COOL!  Oh wait . . . no it’s not.  They cut off my balls too.” 

Scott, who’s watching from a distance is understandably horrified.

“Derek, this is really not the time to get handsy.”

Fortunately, Alpha Derek has arrived to comfort him . . . and give him a big ole man hug . . . which probably would have been a lot more appreciated, if he had actually lifted a finger to save Dirty Hippie Wolf.  He didn’t.  But hey.  You can’t blame a guy for wanting to literally save his own balls from being dismembered from the rest of his body.

Never one to give up a good teaching moment, Alpha Derek chooses this inopportune moment to remind Scott why it’s a REALLY good idea to be part of pack, if you don’t want to lose your legs.  “Look at them.   This is what they do,” Derek says fiercely, forcing Scott to look at the bloody corpse.  “This is a declaration of war.”

Apparently Gramps thinks so too, as he tells an admittedly freaked out Papa Argent, in no uncertain terms that the “Code” ceased to exist the minute Kate Argent croaked.  Weak wolves, new wolves, pansy wolves, naked chicks running around in the forest, Gramps wants to cut them all in half, just because he can.

“We’ll find them, and we’ll kill them.  We’ll kill them all,” Gramps declares ominously.

Elsewhere, a naked Lydia emerges from the forest looking for a coat.

Source 

Stiles has never been so jealous of a coat in his life . . .

-SHAPE SHIFTED –

Nice knowing ya, Dawson’s Creek Dad (except . . . not really)

Now we’re at Random Teen’s house.  (I told you this guy was important.)  Apparently, his name is Issac and he’s getting a D in chemistry.  That’s all we know about the character at this point.  Oh yeah, and did I mention his dad’s a psychopath?

 As far as depictions of domestic abuse go, this one is pretty top notch.  You can feel the tension in Isaac’s body as he carefully evades his father’s seemingly harmless questions about his grades, like a soldier navigating his way through a field covered with landmines.  And man, is Dawson Leery’s dad terrifying . . . Sure, he’s saying all the right things . . . encouraging his son to be honest, and telling him it’s OK that his grades aren’t up to par.  But just below the surface there’s an undercurrent of viciousness, a killer’s instinct.  When Bad Dad starts tossing plates at his son, we know immediately that this is far from the first time.

“Dawson would never put up with this sh*t.” 

Then again, it IS probably the first time that Isaac has been able to HEAL himself from his father’s abuses.   That’s right boys and girls.  We have a new werewolf!

Upon realizing what has just occurred, Isaac escapes on his bike, with Bad Dad in hot pursuit.  Part of me was waiting for the character to get into a car accident, because he dropped his ice cream cone on the front seat of the car, and bent down, like a total moron to pick it up . . . which, some of you might recall is precisely how Bad Dad’s Alter Ego, Mitch Leery bit it on Dawson’s Creek.

But Bad Dad’s fate is much worse.  When he emerges from the car, he learns that something is watching him . . . and that something is definitely not a werewolf.

He kind of looks like This Guy . . .

 Does the fact that I cheered just a little bit when that Lizardy Thing mauled Bad Dad in his car make me a bad person?  That’s what you get for abusing hot twenty-somethings posing as teens . . . and, of course, spawning that turd, Dawson Leery . . .

New wolf Isaac rushes to his Alpha Derek for help, swearing up and down that he didn’t kill his father . . . though clearly, he can’t be too overwrought that the douchebag is dead.

Well, that’s one way to get a job, during the recession . . .

Elsewhere, Scott and Allison are making out again.  Snore . . .

Oddly enough, I’m much more interested in what Allison’s parental units are doing on their so-called date night.  Here’s a hint, it involves kidnapping Allison’s principal and sticking massively large guns in his face, until he promises to resign from his post.

“Coincidentally, this is also the size of my secret weiner.” 

Watch out Beacon Hills High!  Principal Gramps is coming to get you!

But she lost NINE POUNDS!

Poor Lydia.  Being known as “That Naked Chick” who ran around in the woods for a weekend isn’t exactly garnering her the popularity she thinks she deserves .  . . even though she did lose nine pounds!  (Banshee diet, I guess.)

Source 

Her ex-boyfriend Jackson isn’t exactly offering her comfort either.  The asshat basically tells her that if he had it to do over again, he wouldn’t save her life.

Oh, and P.S., she should watch out for the Full Moon.  It’s not exactly a scene out of Lydia’s favorite movie, The Notebook.

Scratch and Sniff Lacrosse

Speaking of Full Moon preparations, Stiles knows exactly how to handle Scott’s “time of month” this time around . . .

Fifty Shades of Stiles?

Too bad it makes him look like an S&M fetishist in front of his coach . . .

In the locker room, Scott smells something aside from the usual B.O., dirt, and aftershave.  There’s another wolf on the premises.  The question is who?  Scott has a plan to figure it out,  one that involves playing goalie turning team practice, and rushing out of the goal to tackle and SNIFF all his teammates, until he finds the one that smells like dog.

Needless to say this is probably my favorite scene in the entire episode.

Coach Crackpot quickly asked Stiles what was wrong with his friend .  . .

Source

Weird Camera Guy passed the Scratch and Sniff test with flying colors.  As did Danny, who got bonus points for smelling awesome.  “It’s Armani . . . my cologne,” Danny exclaims proudly, as Scott fights off the urge to make love to him right there on the Lacrosse field.  (It’s the one time during this episode that I wished MTV had smellovision.)

Jackson noteably escaped from practice, before Scott could smell him, probably because he worried about what the latter might find in his scent . . .  wolf?   death?  Or something much worse?

Eventually, it’s Isaac’s turn to square off with Scott.  Cue the matching colored contacts.  It’s like love at first were-bite.  “Please don’t tell anyone,” Isaac pleads.

Unfortunately, this conversation is cut short by the cops, who take Isaac in for questioning about his dead dad.  Scott knows full well that the idea of a brand new wolf locked in a not particularly well-secured holding cell during a full moon isn’t good for anyone.  “You know how I said I no longer have the urge to kill?”  Scott muses to Stiles.  “He does,” Scott said of Isaac.

It was an interesting moment, one that intrigued me quite a bit about Isaac’s character, and what type of wolf he will become.  Clearly, this is someone who’s been abused and beaten down, emotionally and physically all his life.  That kind of persistent torture makes you feel weak and powerless.  It makes you vie for an escape, some avenue of control in your life.  Derek likely saw this in Isaac, and knew that, as a result, he would be amenable to undergoing the transformation.

Yet, Derek’s decision to turn Isaac might not have been completely altruistic  After all, he’s a packmaster at war, now.  And to fight a war, you need good soldiers.  I suspect that Derek also saw in Isaac exactly what Scott is seeing now . . . an untenable rage, bubbling just beneath the surface.  That rage could make Isaac an excellent warrior.  But it also makes him a potential loose cannon.

Nevertheless, Scott clearly feels a kinship with Isaac, that goes beyond mere pack membership.  He sees him as a man who’s been wrongly accused.  And he wants to help him, by breaking him out of the pokey . . . which, of course, means Stiles has to help him too.

Teen Wolf and Yoda to the Rescue

Back at school Stiles’ Sheriff dad is questioning Jackson, who also happens to be Isaac’s next-door neighbor.  Jackson callously admits that he knew Isaac was a victim of abuse, but that this was “not his problem.”

Ugh!  Jackson, you suck!  I don’t care how good you look in a wet t-shirt.  I hope your nose and ear bleed travels to your ass . . .

Back in chemistry class, Scott and Stiles are desperate to know what Jackson is telling the police about Isaac.  And the best way to figure that out is an impromptu trip to the principal’s office  . . .

Of course, Scott and Stiles haven’t yet been informed about the new principal at their school, but they are about to find out . . .

Principal Gramps clearly has done his homework on these too, especially Scott, who he notes is Allison’s “ex-boyfriend.”  It seems pretty obvious that Gramps knows Scott’s a wolf.  And yet, he doesn’t immediately chop him in half, like he did the Hippie Wolf.  The question is why.  I’m thinking it’s because he has bigger plans for Scott . . . plans that might just involve using him to locate the rest of his pack.

Ever the loyal friend, Stiles opts to take one for the team, by stewing in detention, while Scott dashes off to rescue Isaac, who has just been carted off to jail, just as he predicted.  Of course, Derek magically appears at this moment, to help with the “war effort.”  With his leather jacket, and dark glasses, Derek kind of looks like The Terminator . . . only hot  . . . and without the Austrian accent.

Source

Derek has something to show Scott . . . something that could seriously hurt Isaac’s murder defense, if the cops find it . . .

Elsewhere . . .

The Most Boring Sex Tape Ever

Jackson gets Weird Camera guy to lend him a video camera for 100 bucks so that he can make a solo sex tape.  Just kidding.  He wants to videotape his werewolf transformation.  He flexes for the camera a few times, before heading to sleep.  And that’s all that the camera catches . . . eight hours of Jackson . . . alone . . . in bed.

Needless to say, this tape won’t get as many hits on YouTube as the one Kim Kardashian made.

So, it appears Jackson is still 100% Grade A douchebag human . . . or is he?

The House of Hor-weres

The minute Derek alluded to Isaac having a worse motive to kill his father than run-of-the-mill battery, I thought the kid might have been sexually abused.  The writers don’t necessarily go that far with the character.  However, we do get to see Isaac’s dad’s unique idea of punishment, which, apparently, involved locking his son, in an icebox for extended period’s of time.  Oddly enough, this gives Scott an idea . . .

Back at the Argent’s, Gramps and Papa are also discussing Isaac’s case, and whether or not they have enough proof to chop him in half.  Allison tries to listen in, but they shut the door in her face, in a very Godfather-esque way.  Allison does learn part of her family’s plan however.  It involves a sheriff taking wolfsbane into Isaac’s cell, enough of which will kill him.

You know, I like you a lot better, when your tongue isn’t permanently attached to my best friend’s face.”

Allison calls Stiles (Nice to see these two teaming up for a change.), and together they devise a plan . . .

Those Meddling kids

You remember last season how solid Alli was with a crossbow, right?  Well,  this week she uses those skills to put a flat tire in the wolfsbane carrying cop’s car, and to shoot him in the leg.  I’ve never really been an Allison fan.  But even I’ve got to admit that’s pretty bad ass.

Gives new meaning to the term “woody.”

Allison then heads to Isaac’s house (Isn’t that a crime scene?  How are all these people just entering and leaving it, willy nilly?), while Stiles bounds off to jail to somehow save Isaac,  who’s undergoing his first wolf transformation, as we speak.

In the basement of Isaac’s house, Derek again pitches his “Be All That You Can Be In My Pack” speech to Scott, who lectures his new packmaster on his seeming need to turn every lost soul in Beacon Hills into a werewolf, without properly informing them of the risks.  “I can make you a better werewolf.  I can teach you to use ALL your senses . . . not just your nose,” Derek teases his new pal, before heading off to the jail, himself.

Enter Allison.  She and Scott share some kisses and more angst, before Scott finally convinces her to lock him in the icebox during his transformation.  She hesitates, but ultimately obeys.  Moments later, that THING arrives.  It’s the same one that killed Not-Mitch Leery.  It sidles toward Allison, and she screams, grabbing her teeny tiny knife for protection.  (Where’s her crossbow?)

Scott hears her terror, and breaks out of his icebox, half-wolfed out, just in time to see the THING sprout lizard legs,  crawl on the ceiling and exit stage left.

“What the heck is that?” We wonder.  My pal Andre has an idea.

Of course, the more pressing question, for purposes of the show, anyway, is WHO is that?  My early money is on Creepy Camera Guy, (1) because he already seems kind of obsessed with Allison; (2) because he’s on the same lacrosse team as Isaac, and probably knew about his home situation; and (3) because his appearance thus far in the series has been totally random and seemingly useless.  (I mean, honestly, couldn’t Jackson have bought his own camera?)

Anyway, that’s my theory.  What’s yours?

My Hero!

Meanwhile, at the jail, Derek and Stiles are shamelessly flirting with one another.  Derek brags that he can easily distract the female guard with his hotness, while Stiles rescues Isaac.   Stiles watches Derek charm the pants off of the lady cop, clearly jealous . . . though it is uncertain whether it’s Derek or the cop that are earning most of his jealousy.

“That boy is such a tease.  I’m not letting him borrow my shirts anymore.   That’s for sure.  Fool me once, big guy!”

By the time Stiles gets to Isaac’s cell, two important things have happened (1) Wolf Isaac broke out of his cage; (2) Limpy, the wolfsbane carrying cop, who Allison shot, has returned to the jail.  Isaac promptly attacks and disarms him, before turning his attention on a now-scared sh*tless Stiles.  Worry not though, it’s Derek and his ruby eyes to the rescue.

All he has to do is show his teeth to Wolf Isaac, and the latter starts cowering in the corner.   “How did you do that?” Stiles asks, breathlessly, passion in his eyes.  (Yes, I know I’m laying it on thick. ;))

“I’m the Alpha,” Derek says confidentally,  before exiting stage left.

I’m not sure if it’s that simple though . . . One could argue that Isaac submitted to Derek’s will, not because Derek is the Alpha, but because Isaac instinctively fears abuse from his parental figures.  Would Scott have yielded in this situation?  Or Jackson?  Or Lydia?  Only time will tell . . .

Stiles’ dad enters the jail, just in time to find Stiles standing awkwardly in a room filled with one unconscious werewolf, and one unconscious sheriff.  “He did it,” Stiles exclaims adorably, pointing at Isaac.

It’s a brilliantly understated ending to a well-written pair of premiere episodes.  Don’t you think?

[www.juliekushner.com][Fangirls Forever]

21 Comments

Filed under Teen Wolf

Get OUT of my HEAD! – A Recap of The Vampire Diaries’ “Break on Through”

[Note:  The recap for “Murder of One is on it’s way!  Be sure to check back for it, within the next 24 hours.  It should be available no later than early Saturday morning, March 31.  Thanks for your patience!]

Source 

Hey there, Fangbangers!  This week on TVD, Alaric hopped aboard the Crazy Train.  Both Damon and Rebekah learned the hard way why you should never let a 900-year old vampire touch your . . . head . . . in bed.  Bonnie rejoined the I Have Sh*tty Parents Club, membership: every single character on this show.  Stefan moved one step closer to becoming a “Social Drinker.”  And Elena . . . did a lot of pouting?  So, choke down a nice tall glass of “B Positive,” because it’s time for another TVD-cap . . .

“We are predators, not puppies.”

Source 

Don’t you just hate it, when you are getting an MRI, and the mirror image above your head starts TOTALLY eye-f*cking you . . . but you can’t look away, because the technician running the machine told you not to move?  Alaric can relate . . .

Source 

“Hey sexy, what’s shaking?  Whaddya say, after this we go hit up the Only Bar / Social Establishment in Mystic Falls, have a few drinks together and make some bad decisions.”

Source 

“Well, that depends .  . . are YOU buying?”

While Alaric is busy being hit on by his Psycho Killer alter ego, Elena wonders out loud how Crazy Nanny Carrie / Meredith figured out that Alaric’s predilection for Man Jewelry was turning him evil.  (“Is there like a course for that in med school?”)  Meredith claims she learned this information from an old childhood story, regarding her ancestors.  “Fells are notorious busy bodies,” she jokes lamely . . . which, if you think about it, is exactly what got Vampire Journalist Logan Fell killed . . . and is probably what will ultimately kill Meredith/ Crazy Nanny Carrie.  (You know the famous saying, “Curiosity killed the Fell!”)

The CAT scan comes out normal, thereby proving that Alaric’s “Bad Seed” problem is a purely supernatural one.  It’s time to ditch the Man Jewelry, I guess!  Alaric gives the odious ring to Elena.  (Somewhere off screen, that Smeagol guy from Lord of the Rings, looks on with lust.)

“Don’t worry, Alaric!  Smeagol will take that Man Jewelry off your hands . . .”

Then, Damon magically appears to collect Alaric, and continue his three-season long foreplay with Elena.  Remember last week, when Elena caught the Salvatores chowing down at the “All Blonde Chick Buffet?”  Well, apparently, so does Elena.  And she uses it as the perfect opportunity to get under Damon’s skin . . .

Source

 . . . nevermind the fact that her guardian and her brother are still on a One-Way trip to Wacky Serial Killer Town.

Source

Apparently, Elena doesn’t think Damon is the best “Role Model,” when it comes to healthy neck eating habits.  All these different women!  Poor Steffie will get indigestion!  Instead, Elena suggests the “All Elena’s Arm” starvation diet . . . you know, because that worked SO WELL, last time . . .

Damon decides to lay down the law with Elena . . .

Source

“Hey!  What’s wrong with puppies aside from the fact that Stefan used to eat them?”

Deep down, both Damon and Elena know that, when it comes to Stefan, neither total abstinence, nor little nips of Doppelganger flesh, are long-term solutions to Stefan’s century long problem.  He needs yummy bags of Soccer Mom . . . and the occasional cute college co-ed!  He needs to go back to his vampire roots.  And most importantly, Stefan needs to learn a little self-control . . . which might have the unintended consequence of making him better in bed .  . . not as good as Damon, of course.  But better . . .

Source

Source

Oh, I don’t know Elena . . . Damon has spent three seasons, doing this . . .

Source 

  . . . and this . . .

 . . . and this . . .

 .  . . without jumping YOUR bones . . .

I think it’s safe to say he knows a thing or two about “self control.”

Speaking of self-control . . .

“B Positive!”

Source 

Over at the Bennett Farm, Caroline is taking on the role of Nu-Stefan, in an attempt to make Abby a slightly less crappy vampire than she is a mother to Bonnie.  Truth be told, there probably isn’t enough “B positive” in the world, to make Mama Bennett smile . . . especially now that she can’t flirt with and fondle the local plant life, anymore . .  .

Source 

“Oh, Pink Flower, your stamen is SOOOO big, it TOTALLY turns me on!”

(This reminds me .  . . I forgot to water my cactus, this year.)

Meanwhile, over at the Wickory Bridge, Damon gets to reunite with not one, but TWO of his 900 +-year old sex partners.

 (I guess he has a thing for older women . . . and, of course, much, much younger ones . . .)

Source 

Hot for Teacher . . .

Source 

 I guess Mystic Falls has finally decided to fix that ole’ bridge everybody is always falling off, and drowning.  (Good for them!)  Damon offers to take Alaric and his new girlfriend, Dr. Secret Psycho, there for some fresh air.  You know, because there’s nothing like spending time on a Man-Made Death Trap to make a Supernaturally-Made Death Trap feel less alone in the world.

“I feel so personally connected to this bridge.  I bet it’s killed a lot of Founder’s Council Members over the years too.  Good work, brother!” 

Mama Lockwood, who has no idea she’s talking to a serial killer of FOUNDER’S COUNCIL members takes this opportunity to bug Alaric about his forgetting to bring by some old sign, in honor of the re-opening of the bridge.  (Believe it or not, this detail will actually be important later.)

“I’m sorry, Mama Lockwood, I’ve been kind of busy carving all your friends up like the big fat Thanksgiving turkeys they are it just slipped my mind.” replies Alaric politely.

Shortly thereafter, Alaric and Crazy Nanny Carrie exit stage left, allowing Damon some alone time with His Women.

“Ladies, ladies.  There is no need to fight.  My manhood is big enough for both of you . . . and Elena.” 

After doing a little flirtatious sleuthing, Damon quickly surmises the reason for both of his lady friends’ sudden reappearances on the bridge.  Rebekah has been looking into some random tree, though Damon is not quite sure why.  As for Sage, she’s apparently been pining for that Death Wish-Having, Mama’s Boy Finn for the 900-years, since he turned her, and was hoping he’d stop by.  (Well, at least now we know why she and Damon get along so well!  And here, I thought it was just about the amazing sex.)

Source

Source

Always eager to spread bad news, Rebekah bounds over to tell Sage that Finn has left town, and that his heart only belongs to one woman, his wackjob mother . . .

Source

Primed for a little lady fighting, Sage offers to help Damon figure out what exactly it is that Rebekah is hiding from him.  All he has to do is turn on the charm, a little bit, and get her to pop by La Casa de Rich and Awesome for some Sexy Times.  Sage knows full well, that no woman in her right mind would ever refuse an invitation to Damon’s Bed of Champions . . .

Source

 . . . least of all the vulnerable, and perpetually sex-starved, Rebekah . . . who, like everyone on this show (except for maybe Psycho Alaric) really just wants to be LOVED, right?

Source

As Sage had predicted, Rebekah doesn’t need much convincing.  And soon enough, our fabulous vampire threesome have made plans for an X-rated Date with Destiny . . .

Meanwhile, back in Broody Town . . .

Well, THAT’S a pretty creative use of a knitting needle . . .

Source 

Elena has conveniently invited herself into La Casa de Rich and Awesome because she heard about Damon and the threesome.  Supposedly, she’s come to check out a book from Salvatore Library on her batsh*t crazy ancestor, Samantha.  She finds Stefan in the living room, drinking blood of course.  (This guy is clearly an emotional binge eater . . . How does he never get bloated?  I mean, I know he’s dead and all, but you have to wonder sometimes, where it all goes.)

Damn you, and your super fast vampire metabolism.  DAMN YOU!

Knowing how much his girlfriend hates to read (I mean, let’s face it, girlfriend hasn’t set foot in a classroom in about six months.), Stefan chivalrously offers to give Elena the Cliff Notes version of that Big Bad Book she’s cradling in her arms.  Long story, short: her ancestor chopped her head open with a knitting needle, and bled to death in the loony bin.  (OK, who the heck gave the INSANE SERIAL KILLER a knitting needle?  Someone needs to put a dollar in the Moron Jar, stat.)

Ever the Bastion of Positivity, Stefan concludes his story, by giving it a “feel good” moral: “P.S. Alaric’s probably going to end up attempting to crochet an afghan with his brain too.  And there’s basically nothing you can do about it.  Thanks for playing!  Better luck next time.”

Source

Yeah, she didn’t really hit him.  I am just saying that, if she did, he totally would have deserved it . . .

“Two is company, three is a party.”

Source 

(In my next life, I would like to be The Guy Who Covers Ian Somerhalder’s Weiner with Bits of Fabric to Appease the Censors.  That guy always seems to be one sneeze away from a Wardrobe Malfunction.)

When Damon arrives home from his Double Date at Death Bridge, Stefan is FUMING MAD . . .

*insert snarling and growling noises here*

“How dare you tell Elena I’m a vampire who drinks human blood  . . . oh wait . . . she already knew that . . . I mean, how dare you . . . um . . . talk to Elena without my permission.  YEAH!  That’s it!  Not cool, brother,” gripes Stefan.

Under normal circumstances, Damon would LOVE to continue another round of the Saga of Stefan and Elena, but he has brains to manipulate, and ladies to screw.  And he’s not about to let his little brother cockblock his CWTV-approved Porn Star Moment.

Source

So, instead, Damon simply offers Stefan a few, Vampire Pride Maxims, for inspiration (“We’re here.  We’re bloodsuckers.  Get used to it!”), and heads off to the bathroom to shower himself in Axe Body Spray . . .

Sage arrives at the party first.  Her housewarming gift is a piano player, who bares a suspicious resemblance to Finn.  (I guess Sage has a “type.”)

“Mommy and I used to play the piano together all the time.  But she always insisted on sitting on my lap, when we did it.  I never understood why . . .”

There’s a rule on this show, that states that all piano players must get mauled by vampires.  And this one is no exception.  Sage wastes no time at all chomping on her Finn Doppelganger, while Damon looks on, eager for the REAL party to get started.  And then, it does . .  .

Like Sage, Rebekah also has not come to the party empty-handed.  She brings over her personal catnip . . . booze, stolen from some Queen . . . somewhere.

Have I mentioned yet today, how much I love the rampant alcoholism on this show?

OK, enough of this lame piano music.  Let’s crank up The Kills on that iPod and DANCE!  (Because we all know how much Damon loves to dance!)

Source

Ahhhh . . . memories!

Never one to want anyone to feel left out of the party, Damon struts over to Rebekah, and her two left feet, who is busy nursing her bottle of booze and looking forlorn.  The pair share a little piano player snack, and then it’s time for Damon to REALLY turn on the Salvatore charm . . .

Source

Normally, I would take this opportunity to chastise Boozy Rebekah for being so easily manipulated by Damon’s transparent and superficial attempts at seduction.  But when Damon whispered, “I want you,” in Rebekah’s ear, I looked down at the floor, and found my panties around my ankles . . . and HE WASN’T EVEN TALKING TO ME!

The man is a genius . . .

So, of course they have to cut out the BEST scene, and skip to the post-coital bedroom cuddle . . .

Fortunately, the magic of gif-making allows us to improvise what likely happened between these two, while the cameras were otherwise occupied . . .

Source

Then, Sage crawls into bed with Damon and the sleeping Beks, and I’m thinking, “It’s PARTY TIME!”

But then, Sage just fondles Rebekah’s forehead for about two seconds, and walks away . . .

OK, here is where I call “B.S.”  Since when do vampires have Forehead Fondling Mind-Reading powers?  Oh, that’s right . . . they don’t.  Otherwise, Klaus wouldn’t have spent the entire summer ignorant to the fact that Elena wasn’t dead, and Stefan wasn’t really his best friend / minion / willing sex slave . . .

Source

Nope . . . forehead fondling as a form of communication sounds a lot more like something a WITCH would do.  In fact, it looked a heck of a lot like what Bonnie was doing with that plant, toward the beginning of the episode.  (It’s also very similar to what she did to Luka, back in Season 2).  And yet, we’ve just been told that witches lose their powers, immediately upon being turned into vampires.  So, even if Sage WAS a witch in her former life, there’s a good chance she would have lost her ability to forehead fondle, the minute she sucked on Finn’s bloody teets.

For now, I’m willing to give the writers the benefit of the doubt.  But if Sage has some magical powers that even the oldest, most powerful vampires in the world don’t possess, I’m hoping to get some sort of explanation as to why that is the case.  Just saying . . .

Ooooh, but wait!  We aren’t done with sexy times yet.  It’s time for the post-sex shower.  And we all know how much Damon loves getting all wet and soapy . . .

Source

This time though, it appears our shower is built for TWO.  (All that forehead fondling, must have gotten Sage’s fingers sweaty.)

P.S. Sage apparently has other magical powers, in addition to random dancing, piano player eating, tag team showering, and mind reading.  Now, she’s fondling Damon’s forehead, and GIVING him Rebekah’s memories.  OK, now I’m starting to get scared.  If her head starts spinning around, and green stuff comes spewing out of her mouth, I’m calling the exorcist . . .

Damon, of course, seems completely unperturbed by this odd turn of events.  In fact, he’s kind of thrilled . . .  After all, now he knows there’s still a tree out there that could Klaus et al.

Source

Damon doesn’t even bother getting dressed, before he makes another trip to the trusty Salvatore library.  (Wearing clothes is SOOO 19th century.)  Please let the towel fall down . . . please let the towel fall down . . . 

Sure enough, he figures out what many of us TVD fans have long suspected . . . . the Wickory Bridge is made almost entirely of White Oak.  In other words, Death Trap Bridge doesn’t just kill Founder’s Council Members like Alaric, it also kills ORIGINALS!  Time to burn the evidence!

Source

 Sage reappears, during all this, and makes Damon promise not to use the knowledge she gave him to kill her long lost lame lover, Finn.  Damon agrees, crossing his fingers behind his back . . . since he knows, thanks to the spell binding all the Originals together . . . once he stakes Klaus . . .

“Mmm . . . Surrogate Son tastes yummy!”

Something tells me New Guy Jamie is going to fit right in on the cast of The Vampire Diaries  . . . at least, until they inevitably whack him, probably about three or four episodes from now

Coincidentally, I also think she will fit in as Bonnie’s new love incest. It’s not incest.  They promise us it’s not incest, even though they sort-of/kind of have the same crappy mom.  After all, we all know how much Bonnie adores those former child stars, who went on to develop biceps . . .

(New Guy Jamie is the Non-Puppet one, just in case you were confused . . .)

The last time we saw Jamie, he was busy being compelled, and trying to bust a cap in Stefan’s ass . . . now he’s chopping wood (because that’s not at all a metaphor for anything sexual, now, is it?)  Caroline stalks outside to yell at Jamie for not being nicer to his new vampire mother.  She forces him to come inside and be civil.  Let the eye f*&king with Bonnie ensue.  Then, Mama Bennett proceeds to EAT HIS NECK.  Yeah, that’s what you get for listening to Caroline, Jamie.  Eventually, you’ll learn . . .

“How was I supposed to know that Jamie had ‘B Positive, blood!

Source

Fortunately, Jamie doesn’t . . . you know . . . die, or anything.  But that doesn’t stop Mama Bennett from sneaking out, while the kiddies aren’t home, despite Caroline’s protestations.  I’m really sorry that your Mom totally sucks, Bonnie.  (In more ways than one.) But hey, look on the bright side, considering how rarely you get your own story line, it will probably be at least three seasons, before we find out your father is just as bad . . .

In other news, Bonnie has decided to forgive Elena, and perform the spell that will magically cure Alaric of his Crazy.  (Man, if this were real it would put pharmaceutical companies, insane asylums and therapists out of business.  Witches are BAD for the economy.  . .)  She tells Elena to get something from Alaric’s house that he had before he started wearing his Jamaican Me Crazy Ring.

“Does the bottle of scotch, I had permanently attached to my lips count?”

Back at the Gilbert house, after receiving the password to all of Alaric’s bank accounts  (It’s “vampire slayer,” just in case you’re interested in performing a little identity theft, after reading this recap), Elena offers to head back to Alaric’s apartment to pick up the jewelry item.  Meredith all-too-eagerly agrees offers to stay alone with Alaric, while the latter looks.  (Girlfriend must be really hard-up for sex, if she’s willing to risk being bludgeoned to death for it.)  Ruh-roh!

“Do you feel remorse?  Because you should!’

“Geez, Elena.  You’re a pig.  When’s the last time you cleaned your bathroom counters, Season 1?”

Over at Alaric’s apartment, Elena finds Stefan . . . lurking (because that’s not weird . . . at all).  He agrees to help her search for Alaric’s wedding ring.  While the two are in the apartment, Elena and Stefan find all these creepy pictures of Alaric’s victims (even a picture of himself . . . not sure how he managed that.)

“Automatic timer on his camera?”

There’s also a big packet of information on the Founder’s Council, which Alaric was apparently preparing to send to . . . wait for it . . . Jeremy?!!!

On top of the packet is a letter to Jeremy, instructing him on precisely how to “cleanse the Founder’s council,” using the ring that will “make him strong.”

I have to say, I was skeptical at first, but I really like the way the writers are handling this serial killer story line.  Initially, when I first learned that it was “the ring” making Alaric crazy, I thought that they would use this as a way of completely freeing Alaric of liability for his own actions.

Source

But what’s interesting about Alaric’s psychosis is that he doesn’t seem “psychotic” in the way Samantha Gilbert was described.  Nope. This is a sociopath, pure and simple . . . a guy with a clear motive . . . one that “sane” Alaric wouldn’t necessarily disagree with: to rid the Founder’s Council of it’s inherent hypocrisy, when it comes to protecting the townspeople from vampires (though their methods of coping with it, might be different).  Bad!Alaric’s moves, up to this point, from attacking himself, to provide himself with an alibi . . . to studying up on the Founder’s Council . . . to exploiting the fact that the ring is likely having the same effect on Jeremy’s mental state, over in Vermont, have been kind of creepily brilliant.

The other thing we learn from this little excursion is that Samantha Gilbert also killed folks in the mental institution, long after she stopped wearing the ring.  Having come to the realization that Alaric is still very much a danger to Crazy Nanny Carrie, Stefan and Elena rush back to the Gilbert house . . . though it may be too late . . .

Back at the Gilbert house, Alaric awakens from his little nappy, with a bad case of the Crazy Eyes . . .

“Here’s looking at you, Crazy Nanny Carrie.”

As we learned this week, even on his “good, non-possessed days,” Alaric was no stranger to violence.  In fact, one of his favorite past times was beating up on asshats for fun.  So, you could imagine how terrifying he is now that he “has the ring to make him psycho strong.”

At first, Bad!Alaric plays it cool . . . making casual conversation with Sitting Duck Meredith, as he plays with her blood syringes.  But things start to get creepy, when he not-so-casually asks Meredith if she feels remorse about her seemingly hypocritical stance on vampires.  (i.e. Good for Doctor Business . . . Bad for the Town.)  His words remind me a bit of when Alaric bullied himself onto the Founder’s Council, by arguing that everyone else in the group was in love with or related to a supernatural creature.  (Man, how long has this sh*t been going on?)

With all pretenses of sanity dropped, Alaric can now chase Meredith, like the psycho self he’s been . . . at least for the last fifteen minutes.  As for Meredith, she can make the classic Damsel in Distress Horror movie mistake of running upstairs, when she could just as easily have ran out the door screaming, “HELP, MY RING POSSESSED BOYFRIEND IS TRYING TO KILL ME, BECAUSE I ONLY PRETEND TO HATE VAMPIRES.  IS THERE A WITCH IN THE HOUSE?”

In Meredith’s defense, she’s impressively handy with a scissor . . .

Source

By the time Stefan and Elena return to the Gilbert house (That was kind of slow!  What?  Stefan can’t fly?  Vampire FAIL!), Alaric is already calmly and creepily grinning at them by the door.  “Meredith is currently dying on your toilet, Elena.  Sweet DREAMS! got an emergency call, and had to go back to the hospital,” he fibs.

Elena gets Bad!Alaric out of the house, by claiming she wasn’t able to find his ring.  Once he’s gone, Stefan turns to Elena, his eyes wide with anticipation, his nostrils flared like a pig poised a mud bath.  He has a little favor to ask of his ex girlfriend.

Source

If Elena thinks she’s being propositioned for Ex Sex, she’s sorely mistaken.  Stefan literally smells blood.  And it isn’t long before the pair find it’s source . . . it’s Meredith . . . in the bathroom . . . with the steak knife.  Cue Stefan’s vamp face . . .

Source

“My wife looks so hot, when she’s all mutilated and dying like that . . . oops.  Did I just break character?”

Annnnd, here comes our Super Hero moment of the week . . .

 Source

Final score: Vampire Cravings – 0, Stefan Salvatore – 1

Source

Well, hey, Rome wasn’t built in a day . . .

Now, you may be wondering what happened to Alaric.  Well, after a nice bonding moment between Elena and Bonnie . . .

Source

 . . . the latter did a little spell, and served the Chunky Monkey some of her magical, “Don’t be a sociopath, anymore” salad.  Then Damon knocked the guy out, and took him to some remote loft, where he could . .  . you know . . . not kill people, and stuff . . .

Speaking of Dormant Serial Killers, Elena called Jeremy, who I am now officially worried about . . . or, rather, I’m worried for the good people of Vermont, who he has taken to calling his “friends.”  (Why do I have this feeling that Jeremy’s “friends” are a bunch of decapitated rotting corpses, he hides in his closet, and plays chess with when he’s bored.)

Of course, Elena doesn’t do anything practical . . . like tell Jeremy to take off the ring . . . or to be on the lookout for a care package of “Don’t be a sociopath anymore” herbs.  Instead, she just pouts and stares off into space . . .  Way to be a hero, Elena . . .

Source 

 According to Jeremy, Alaric hasn’t tried to contact him once, since he left for Vermont.  Do we believe him?

“Game back on, brother!”

Source 

Never trust a woman who’s always fondling your forehead.  Damon finds out Sage betrayed him, when he sees Rebekah burning down the Wickory Bridge.  It turns out Rebekah’s head wasn’t the only one Sage shrunk, during last night’s sex sandwich escapades.  Sage absolutely refuses to believe Damon’s claims of Finn’s suicidal nature.  She honestly thinks that, once united, the two will live happily ever after . . . along with his mother . . . who will probably sleep in bed with them for all eternity.

Source

Sage may think she’s saved her lover boy’s life, by betraying Damon, and teaming up with the scheming Rebekah.  But she hasn’t.  It turns out there’s one piece of Wickory Bridge White Oak the twosome failed to burn . . . (Remember what I said about the sign being important?)

Source

I hope you’ve been training, Scooby Gang, because Hunting Season has just begun .  . .

Next week on TVD, Bondage Damon makes his triumphant return to our televisions sets.  Also, THIS HAPPENS . . .

Source

Can I get a HELL YEAH?!

Check out the trailers . . . if you dare . . .

Until next time, Fangbangers!

[www.juliekushner.com][FangirlsForever]

17 Comments

Filed under The Vampire Diaries

Death Becomes Him – A Recap of The Vampire Diaries’ “1912”

 DAMON: “Just once, I’d like to be in a flashback, where you don’t end up with blood all over your face, and I don’t act like I’ve got a stick up my ass.”

STEFAN: “Better luck, next week.”

Welcome back, Fangbangers!  This week, all of our Mystic Fall-ians (at least the ones that were actually IN the episode, since about three-quarters of the cast weren’t) were forced to confront death in a very personal way.  For the throw-away flashback guest stars, this meant actually dying (SUCKS FOR THEM!).

“I feel your pain.” 

For Stefan, this meant, once again, coming to terms with the fact that he’s . . . (surprise!) . . . a vampire.  (After over 100 years of bloodsucking, I think it’s safe to say that Stefan’s a bit of a “late bloomer” in the self-actualization department.)

For Damon, this meant solving a serial killer case, by reenacting scenes from the first half of pretty much every Law and Order episode that’s aired, EVER.

For Elena, this meant coming to terms with the fact that immortality might be precisely what drew her to Stefan Salvatore in the first place.

Source

For Rebekah, this meant realizing that the term “immortality,” with respect to Original Vampire living might not be without its exceptions.

And yet, no one embodies the title of my recap more than Alchy-ric Saltzman . . .

Let’s review, shall we?

[As always, special thanks to my ingenious blogging pal Andre, for all the glorious screencaps you see here.]

Hangover: Alaric Saltzman Edition

Don’t wanna die?  Here’s a tip:  Don’t be the never-before-seen on screen, human character, played by a completely unknown actor, in the first scene of a Vampire Diaries flashback . .  . ZACK SALVATORE!

“Aww, crap.  She’s talking about ME, isn’t she?  Why can’t she be talking about YOU?”

It’s late at night, sometime in 1912.  A Founder’s Council meeting has just adjourned.  Death Wish Dummy, Zach Salvatore declines a carriage ride home, preferring instead to walk, despite the fact that a Founder’s Council Serial Killer is on the loose.  Horror movie fans will tell you that this is the equivalent of the stoner high school kid at the party in the woods, who tells his friends “I’ll be right back,” before stumbling toward a bush to relieve himself.  (He then disappears completely from the film, until act three, when his weiner and disembodied head are randomly found in the slutty naked girl’s bathtub.)

Source 

SURPRISE!  Two seconds later Zach Salvatore is stabbed in the gut, and left to die, right in the center of town square.  It looks like someone won’t be around for the sequel . . .

“Do I at least get my SAG card?” 

Back in the present day, Alaric Saltzman awakens in a jail cell with no memory at all, of how he got there.  Unfortunately, Bradley Cooper, Zack Galifianakis, and co. are over in Antarctica filming Hangover 12.5: How are we NOT in rehab yet? and cannot accompany him on the madcap adventures necessary to solve this mystery  . . .

“At least I didn’t get a weird face tattoo, or have my front teeth knocked out!”

Lizard Forbes, who arrested Alaric the night before (Unfortunately, she has been the only cop in town, ever since her daughter ate the other one, back in Season 2.) is keeping his incarceration on the down low.  Because Alaric may well be a sociopathic serial killer, but he is also a great friend, whose ass looks spectacular in tight jeans.

“They don’t call me Chunky Monkey for nothing.  Just ask Useless Aunt Jenna or Vampire Isobel . . . oh wait . . . nevermind.”

Besides,  what’s a few dead bodies, among friends right?   I mean, honestly, who really liked Bill Forbes, anyway?  Lizard certainly didn’t, and she was married to the guy!

“Hey!  I redeemed myself in the end, by dying with dignity, and telling my daughter that I would never ever want to end up a monster like her . . . oh . . . nevermind.”

Shortly therafter, Damon arrives to bail his drinking buddy / boyfriend out of the pokey.  After all, if Alaric is going to meet his maker, it should be because Damon accidentally killed him for the eightieth time, and not because of something silly . . . like the Death Penalty.

“You owe me one, buddy.  I get to kill you at least two more times now.”

That Crazy Nanny Carrie Meredith Fell.  She’s a strange duck.  Her actions in this episode baffled me.  I think I liked her better when she was just a pure psychotic b*tch  . . .

Source

We learn from Lizard that Meredith healed Alaric with vampire blood after she shot him in cold blood, in her apartment, at the end of last week’s episode.  According to Meredith, Alaric has been offing members of the Founder’s Council with his crazy stash of weapons that EVERYONE on the council knows he has . . . thereby making him the dumbest serial killer ever.  Then again, he also stabbed the crap out of himself, which makes him Tyler Durden from Fight Club.

Source 

Alaric is furious with these accusations, and claims that the real serial killer, Meredith, has framed him.  Damon wholeheartedly agrees, if only because the Only Bar / Social Establishment in Mystic Falls will be oh-so-lonely tonight, without him.

Lizard retorts that, unlike Meredith, Alaric has no solid alibi for any of the murders.  Right now, it officially sucks to be Alaric Saltzman . . . but, perhaps, not quite as much as it sucks to be THIS GUY . . .

Elena’s out for a mopey run with Matt.  We know she’s really depressed because she’s wearing the ugliest, bulkiest, most unflattering, grey sweatshirt in the history of grey sweatshirts.  Elena’s workout clothes used to be so universally adorable, that I coveted every single one.  What the heck happened?  Did someone in the costume department go through a really bad breakup, this week?

She looks like a koala bear with human legs . . .

Matt, apparently, can’t keep up with Elena, despite the fact that he is a two-sport varsity athlete, who occasionally has to run away from werewolves.  They take a break from running to talk about Bonnie, and explain why she won’t be appearing in the episode this week.  (No such discussions are had about Tyler or Klaus.)  Apparently, her mother has decided to complete the Vampire Transition, instead of, you know, dying, and stuff.  Baby Vamp Caroline, who also wasn’t in the episode, this week, is going to help out this this.  (Considering how much Bonnie’s nose bleeds, Abby is going to need all the help she can get, to refrain from biting off her daughter’s schnoz.)

Mid afternoon snack 

Elena mentions that she feels partially responsible for what happened to Bonnie’s mom.  She should . . .

This angsty moment is interrupted by Lizard calling Elena to tell her to come pick up her possible-serial killer-pseudo dad.  Elena jogs right down to the courthouse / police station without passing Go, collection $200, or taking off that damn grey sweatshirt.  The entire judging panel of Project Runway does a collective face palm, in response.

“This concerns me.” 

At the courthouse/jail thingy,  Elena encounters Damon, and gives him her best perma-b*tch face look.  Damon responds by doing his Eye Thing.  (That’ll teach her a lesson!)  Though vaguely mad at Damon for the whole “making Mama Bennett undead” thing, Elena is apparently not too angry with her sometimes lover to ask him for a favor.

Source 

Of course, Elena would very much like Damon to “help Alaric” in his hour of need . . . but only if said “help” doesn’t involve eating people, manipulating them, or breaking laws.  Elena is a TOTAL buzzkill.  I blame her ugly sweatshirt . . .

“I’m mean.  You hate me.  The earth is back on its axis,” Damon snarks, his expression a mixture of exasperation and mild amusement, with just a hint of unadulterated lust thrown in for good measure.

Source 

“You know, if you keep pushing people away, you are going to end up alone,” retorts the girl, who compelled her brother to abandon her, betrayed the one Original who actually trusted her, inadvertently alienated her friends, and ALWAYS PUSHES DAMON AWAY.

Source

Elena then stalks off . . . alone.

Confessions of a Chipmunk Muncher

Let’s now add to the long list of reasons Damon Salvatore would be an AM-AZING lover the fact that he plays piano, shall we?

Source

(It means he has long dexterous fingers that are strong yet gentle, and quick yet highly adept at . . . accuracy. ;))  While Damon is composing his next concerto, Stefan is busy . . . you guessed it . . . writing in his diary again.

Source

 It’s BAAAACCCK!  (Oh, pilot episode . . . how we’ve missed your cheesiness . . .)  Fortunately, now, instead of Stefan, himself, the voice of “Stefan’s diary,” will be played by Damon Salvatore . . .

Source

 Though Damon loves his brotherly snark fests as much as the next guy, he tends not to interrupt Stefan’s “Diary Time,” unless he needs something.  And this time is no different.  “I want to enact our Wonder Twin Powers,” says Damon excitedly to the brother, who is most certainly not his twin.  Twins or not, I like the way Damon is thinking.  It’s been wayyyy too long since Stefan last played Scooby Doo to Damon’s Shaggy.  And what better excuse is there than the re-emergence of a Mystic Falls serial killer, on the 100-year anniversary of its last reign of terror, for the brothers to band together and engage in some serious super sleuthing?

Damon tosses Stefan his Diary for 1912, which, we can assume is conveniently lodged between the Diary for 1911 and the Diary for 1913.  (I’m sorry, but the idea that Ripper Stefan was carting around an ENTIRE library full of diaries, while he was ravaging Monterrey  like the bloodthirsty animal we are led to believe he had become, is about as ridiculous as . . . well . . . an Original Vampire carting around coffins for ONE THOUSAND YEARS.  This show is quickly becoming a vampire edition of the TV show, Hoarders.)

Apparently, back in 1912, Damon inadvertently reunited with his brother Stefan, after a fifty year hiatus, when the two returned to Mystic Falls to pay their respect to the definitely and permanently dead, Zack Salvatore.  In another nod to the pilot, Damon’s presence is actually preceded by that darn crow he used to occasionally metamorphis into, back in the day.

“I’m not going to lie.  I totally slept with the producer to get him to put me back in the script.” 

(Fortunately, he never became “wind” or a “puff of smoke” in this episode.)  Though a newly Lexi-fied, bunny-munching, on the wagon, Stefan is eager to put the past in the past, and resume his relationship with his brother,  a very chilly, grudge holding Damon is not quite ready to make amends . . .

Source

(It is important to note that Damon is also wearing a ridiculous hat.)

And yet, even back then, Stefan knew that the key to Damon’s heart was his liver.  And so, when the younger Salvatore invites the older one out for a drink, he is as patently unable to resist then, as he would be now . . .

Source 

Damon Salvatore . . . making alcoholism seem attractive, since 1864 . . .

(Also during this scene, we are briefly introduced to two female Founder’s Council members from back in the day, Marianne Forbes and Samantha Gilbert.  Suffice it to say that ONE of these two never-before-seen women will end up being slightly more important to the episode’s mythology than the terminally unfortunate Zack Salvatore . . .)

“It doesn’t help that we are, more or less, completely indistinguishable from one another.”

A vampire walks into a bar . . .

Back in the present day, it’s Damon who invites Stefan out for a drink (since his bromantic buddy is currently being fitted for an unflattering orange jumpsuit, and a soap on the rope necklace for the inevitable “communal showers”).  It must be Vampires Drink for Free Night at the Only Bar / Social Establishment in Mystic Falls, because Rebekah is there too.  She’s been busy buttering up Carol Lockwood for information about the infamous Original Vampire-killing White Oak Tree, which may, or may not, still be standing somewhere in Mystic Falls.

“I’m very interested in learning about your wood.” 

From Carol, Rebekah conveniently learns that it was the Salvatore family that was mainly responsible for all the wood cutting, molding, and erecting that went on in Mystic Falls, during the past century.  (See what I did there?)  So, of course, when Damon and Stefan arrive in the bar,  Rebekah engages Damon in an eye-f*&king session that would surely cause retinal pregnancy, if vampires in this series were actually capable of giving birth.

Over at the bar, Damon admits to Stefan that he’s hoping to be his “vampire sponsor / life coach,” patiently guiding him through the world of “Eating Humans in Moderation,” i.e. allowing them to live to tell the tale . . . if they hadn’t just been compelled to forget it.  Damon’s argument that Stefan’s All or Nothing / Cold Turkey approach to de-ripper-ifying himself is a REALLY BAD one, that always, inevitably, ends in failure, is an impressively sound one.  And yet Stefan has read enough Alcoholic Anonymous books in his day to be skeptical about his brother’s untraditional approach to addiction . . .

The picture of sobriety.

Nosy Nelly, Rebekah, pops in, just in time for the conversation to wind its way back to 1912, which is great for her, because Rebekah REALLY wants to talk about the Salvatore wood . . . err .  . . I mean the White Oak Tree.

Source 

Source

Unfortunately for Rebekah, the Salvatore brothers aren’t in the mood to compare the size of their wood.  Instead, they’d like to talk about some old vixen vampire named Sage, who, like Rebekah, has sampled Damon’s wood, at least once.

Rebekah knows Sage, and thinks she’s a skank,  because she apparently used to have a little “thing” for Rebekah’s brother Finn.  I just think this means she has bad taste.  Now, I’m not saying that Finn isn’t attractive.  All I’m saying, is that, if I had to select one Original Brother to take to bed with me I’d take them ALL, the ABSOLUTE last one I’d choose would be the self-loathing, suicidal one with Serious Mommy Issues . . .   Then again, Sage DID seduce Damon, so her taste can’t be TOO bad, right?

Back in 1912, Sage was a semi-professional boxer, who used to use her vampire strength and compulsion to beat the crap out of men, and humiliate them in front of all their friends.  (Sounds like a real keeper!)  Sage takes an instant interest in Damon, criticizing him for the joyless way he gnaws on human flesh, and reminding him that women can be used for pleasure, as well as food.

“Welcome to Vampire Whoring, 101.” 

To be honest, this part of the episode was a bit of a let-down for me.  After all, the promo for this episode seemed to promise viewers a glimpse into how Damon went from being the sort-of innocent, Katherine-spurned,  uptight vamp we saw in the “Blood Brothers” and “Dinner Party” flashbacks to the lusty lothario we came to know in Season 1.  During the hiatus, I was genuinely looking forward to some Casanova-esque seduction scenes, in which Sage patiently instructed Damon in the art of compulsion-induced arousal and “sexy neck biting.”

What we got instead was  . . . absolutely nothing.

Damon’s seduction and consumption of the aforementioned Samantha Gilbert occurred off screen, and the remainder of the flashback was Stefan’s to steal.  And while the episode did shed a bit more light on Stefan’s past, I ended the hour with little more insight into Damon’s 20th century motivations and machinations than I had prior to its airing.  It kind of pissed me off.   I’m not going to lie . . .

Back in the Present Day, a very flirtatious Rebekah graciously offers Damon her services, both with respect to Stefan’s “treatment,” and to the “serial killer investigation.”  We are led to believe she’s doing this, in hopes of getting more information about that darn tree.  However, I, for one, think that Rebekah, much like her brother is just lonely . . . horny . . . and desperate for companionship, particularly with those of the opposite sex.

 Source

Though I’m a Delena fan, through and through, I must say that I enjoyed the “friends with benefits” comraderie of Rebekah and Damon in this episode.  While I believe these two are WAYYY too much alike to ever get seriously romantically involved with one another (not to mention the whole “Klaus” thing), I did like the easygoing, mildly insulting banter they had going on with one another.  I also got a real kick out of how effortlessly they repeatedly managed to gang up on and mercilessly tease Stefan,  whether it was by jointly reading his ridiculously self-righteous diary, or later, by force feeding him a drunk college coed . . .

Rebekah also provides the much-needed female perspective on this male-dominated flashback.

Source 

For example, Damon’s and Stefan’s assertion that a female couldn’t possibly be the serial killer were both incredibly chauvenist, and as it turned out, patently WRONG.  Rebekah picked up on this right away.   And the minute she said it, I was certain that the 1912 serial killer HAD to be female.

Rebekah also astutely noted that BOTH Damon and Stefan were rather broody, judgy, self-righteous, and dare-I-say, a bit dull, back in those early post-Katherine days.  It was a tough truth that I think both brothers desperately needed to hear . . .

Ultimately, I think it was Rebekah’s spot-on assessments of the brother’s situation, back in 1912, that convinced Damon to allow Rebekah to help him “cure” Stefan 100 years later.  So, when Stefan storms out of the bar, after experiencing symptoms of blood withdrawal,  Damon and Rebekah gamely follow him into an alleyway.

Source 

Once there, they come upon an unlucky blonde early 20-something.  “You are about to have a very BAD night,” Damon says to the college coed, his eyes heavy with compulsion power.  He then takes a big chunk out of the poor girl’s neck, right in front of a twitchy,  eye-bulgy Stefan.  With the scent of blood still fresh in the air, Damon passes the nearly unconscious girl over to Rebekah, informing Stefan that the Original Vampire will KILL the girl, unless Stefan takes a bite out of her first.

Unable to control his urges any longer, Stefan goes all growly and fang faced, as he hungrily and noisily slurps blondie’s neck like a kid in a Campbell’s soup commercial.  When things start looking pretty grim for the girl, Damon calls upon Stefan to stop, but the urge is too strong, and he keeps on sucking.  Finally, Damon is able to wrench his brother’s piggy-eater face from the guest stars neck.  He then feeds her some blood to heal her, and send her on her way.

“I swear, this isn’t what it looks like.  I’ve just never been good at putting on lipstick.” 

Unfortunately for the Salvatore Brothers, Elena and Matt magically appear to catch them in the act.   Cue the judgmental glares from Elena,  as Damon smirks awkwardly, and Stefan just stares at his ex-girlfriend wide-eyed, as globules of college coed drip from his mouth and chin.  (Next time, Damon . . . bring a napkin.)  Elena, once again, stalks off in a huff.  This prompts an embarrassed Stefan to do the same.   I foresee a lot of angsty diary writing in both of their futures . . .

The Born-Again Ripper

In my favorite Salvatore Brother Bonding scene of the episode, Damon comes home to comfort his little brother, and congratulate him on a job not-so-well-done, but not entirely sh*tty either.   “You did really well out there.  Pretty soon, you will be the King of Moderation,” Damon insists brightly.

Source 

When the subject turns to Elena, Stefan insists that he “doesn’t really care what she thinks.”  But Damon isn’t hearing it.  “Oh no . . . no more No Humanity Stefan,” he lectures.

As much as this whole “two brothers in love with the same girl” thing is getting a little old, I do appreciate how both brothers actually encourage one another’s feelings for Elena, because they recognize that their love for her is a symbol of their humanity.

Source

When Stefan angrily insists to Damon that he “doesn’t need his help,” we are whisked back to 1912, once again.  Just like in the present day, Damon finds a not necessarily willing female blood donor for Stefan, and entices him to drink her in an alleyway.  The only difference is that, this time, Damon doesn’t stop Stefan.  Instead, he lets his younger brother literally RIP the girl’s head off, then creepily try to glue it back together, just as we saw him do back in the early episodes of Season 3.

Again, a devastated Stefan insists that he “doesn’t need [Damon’s] help” before rushing off into the woods to become the famed Ripper Klaus talked about, earlier this season.  And Damon, out of a mixture of fear, anger, and maybe a little guilt, just lets him go.  Over in the present day, Damon promises Stefan that he will never let this happen again.  He vows to stand by his brother through every step of his “recovery,” for as long as it takes.  Stefan is touched and tearful, as he wonders out loud, why his brother is so insistent on doing all this for him.   “Because right now, you’re all I’ve got,” Damon responds solemnly.

Source

All together now, “AWWWWWWW.”

In which Elena admits that Damon “gets under her skin” (and we start thinking dirty thoughts)

While Stefan and Damon are in the process of gradually repairing their relationship, one partially-chewed college coed at a time, Elena is busy doing a little Scooby Doo detective work of her own.  She angrily confronts Meredith, regarding why the latter would have the gall to frame her guardian for murder, when the Chunky Monkey is obviously so very good in bed.  Meredith then proceeds to start spouting out information about Alaric’s past, like the super stalker she clearly is.

“So, Damon told you he loved you, and you said THAT?!  What the heck is WRONG WITH YOU?”

According to Crazy Nanny Carrie, back in college, when he wasn’t studying up on vampires, good ole Alaric used to enjoy beating the crap out of people, including, quite possibly his own girlfriend / Elena’s mother, Isobel, who, apparently, at one point, had filed a restraining order against him.

This information gives Elena pause.  But she’s not quite ready to believe these awful things about the man who used to bone both his sister, and his bio mom, and is now literally the only family she has left in Mystic Falls.  “Elena, you date vampires.  It shouldn’t come as a shock to you that your guardian is a murderer,” Meredith retorts, before leaving Elena open-mouthed in the parking lot.

(You have to admit, the b*tch kind of has a point . . .)

Later, Matt randomly helps Elena break into Meredith’s apartment, while she’s at work.  (You know, because all poor, blue collar, kids MUST be thieves.)  Within minutes, Elena is conveniently able to locate the trap door in Meredith’s closet. (Every Founding Family member has one!)  Behind the trap door is a box that contains detailed files on all the Founding Family members, who were victims of the serial killer, including Alaric himself.  In Alaric’s file, Matt locates a note from the coroner’s office, which actually seems to provide Alaric with an alibi for the original coroner’s death . . . since it may well have occurred earlier than the initial reports supposed.

But before any more research can be done, Meredith arrives home from work and catches Matt and Elena IN THE CLOSET (insert dramatic music here).

Lizard Forbes is furious, but not furious enough to actually do her job, and charge the teens with any crime (It’s not like either of them have anything resembling parents to bail them out of jail!)  Before letting the pair go, Lizard Forbes notes that Meredith herself turned in the letter.  So, Alaric will be set free from Mystic Falls ONLY active jail cell, once said letter is authenticated.  Hooray for Alaric, he will live to eat Chunky Monkey again . . . or will he?

Elena and Matt have had a rough day, one that began with a rough run, included a potential arrest, and ended with them witnessing Stefan’s piggy eating habits.  So,  of course this makes them both feel like they’ve earned a stiff drink of hard liquor some tea (lame!).  As the two chug the non-alcoholic liquid the discussion turns to why Elena loves her Salvatore brothers.   It is during this discussion that Elena realizes that she was drawn to Stefan, at least initially, because he was immortal,  and so many of the people she loved had already died.

Source 

It’s kind of a sad reason to begin a relationship, don’t you think?

The conversation then turns to Damon, and why Elena seems just as inextricably drawn to him as to Stefan.  In what were, not surprisingly, my favorite lines in the ENTIRE episode, Elena had THIS to say . . .

Source

 Now, you know me.  I’ve never exactly been a “Matt Fan.”  And yet, I must admit, I fell in love with him a little bit, when he said this . . .

Source 

 What an awesome and insightful statement!  For one thing, I love how Matt automatically made the connection between Damon’s “getting under [Elena’s] skin,” and her “falling in love with Damon.”  It’s something that’s been so incredibly obvious to all of Elena’s friends for so long.  But Elena, who’s been in denial of her true feelings, for multiple seasons now, needed to hear it.  So, I’m glad that Matt was willing to say it to her.

And while Matt is quite obviously referring to Elena’s strong feelings for Damon, judging by the watery look in his eyes, he’s also referring to himself.  What’s interesting is that it’s not entirely certain, in that sense, whether he’s referring to his feelings for Caroline, or his feelings for Elena.  It’s possible that he means a little bit of both.

Beyond the obvious reasons why I wouldn’t “ship” Matt and Elena *cough she should be with Damon cough,* my concern with the coupling actually has a lot to do with Matt’s well being.  Elena has already dated Matt, and admitted that, while she clearly cares for him, she never really felt passionate about their relationship.  If Elena was to date Matt again, I feel like she would be doing it simply because he wasn’t a vampire, just like, two years prior, she started dating Stefan, because he was one.  Because I don’t believe that Elena will ever genuinely feel for Matt as strongly as he feels for her, or as strongly as she feels for the Salvatores, I don’t think it would be fair of her to enter into a relationship with him.

Source

Nobody deserves to be third choice in their Happily Ever After . . .

Oh, did I mention that Matt’s Cloak of “Human Invisibility” enabled him to snag Elena’s ancestor, Samantha’s journal from Meredith’s files?

Well, now I did!

One Ring to Rule ALL the NUTBARS . . .

For an episode that was surprisingly slow moving, things happened pretty fast in the last five minutes or so.  Alaric is released from jail.  We then see Elena reading Samantha Gilbert’s increasingly erratic diary (apparently, John Gilbert wasn’t the only member of Elena’s family, who ended up going loony tunes), at the same time that Damon and Stefan are recalling how the Mystic Falls serial killer ultimately ended up being none other than Samantha herself.

“See?  I told you I’d be mildly important.” 

Then, Meredith pops over to tell an angry Alaric that his “drunken blackouts” may be a sign that he’s a psycho serial killer, who’s slowly being turned into a wackjob by his recently-on-the-fritz immortality ring.  Elena rushes downstairs to confirm this, since she now realizes that both Samantha and John Gilbert, who wore similar rings, suffered the same fate.  So, Alaric is the Mystic Falls Serial Killer, after all . . . Meh, I kind of expected as much.   I’m SHOCKED.

More interesting than the Killer Ring, I think, is what exactly motivated Meredith to forge a coroner letter, in order free Alaric, when she now-KNOWS he’s mentally unstable, and might KILL HER?  I still think that b*tch is hiding something . . .

Another interesting aspect of this is Jeremy.  He’s wearing the Jaimaican Me Crazy Ring too!  Now, ordinarily, I’d say Jeremy is in no immediate danger of becoming a wackadoodle, since he hasn’t been wearing the ring nearly as long as Alaric has, nor has he “died” quite as many times.  And yet, I can definitely see the writers fudging with this fact, if they need a quick excuse to bring Jeremy back on the show.  (For example, the writers might assert that Alaric’s aggressiveness during his college years was also the result of his wearing the ring, thereby making Jeremy’s endangerment much more immediate.)

One more tidbit to consider.  Is it possible that the two rings are DIFFERENT from one another,  or that each ring wearer is effected differently by them?  For example,  Uncle/Father John was presumably about Alaric’s age.   And the two men were wearing the darn thing, for about the same amount of time.  And while Uncle/Father John was certainly a douche most of the time, I wouldn’t necessarily consider him a psychopath . . . nor would I consider the original John Gilbert to be one. Judging by flashbacks of the character, he seemed more quirky mad scientist than homicidal maniac . . .

Just some food for thought . . .

If the promos are any indication, next week’s episode looks pretty promising.  For one thing, we get the return of Crazy Alaric, who we haven’t seen since he was Alarklaus.  (Question: Why is it, in horror movies, that the psycho killer always seems to be screaming things like “OPEN THIS DOOR,” when he’s coming at you with a hatchet?  He might as well be saying, “Why on Earth, are you running away from me?  Don’t you want to be raped and decapitated?”)

Also, next week, Damon [Spoiler Alert?] somehow mind rapes Rebekah (at least I’m pretty sure that’s what he does, based on the promos), takes a shower, and gets lucky with two lady vamps at once.  In the words of Damon, himself, “Now that’s what I call a party.”

You can check out extended promos for the episodes, here:

Until next time, Fangbangers!

[www.juliekushner.com][Fangirls Forever]

23 Comments

Filed under The Vampire Diaries

The Unforgiven – A Recap of Boardwalk Empire’s Season 2 Finale, “To the Lost”

Source

Television show writers always walk a fine line when drafting a game-changing season finale for a series they know will be returning in the fall.  On one hand, there’s a lot of pressure to “go out with a bang,” and “shock people.”  And modern TV viewers are notoriously jaded, and hard to shock . . . because, basically, we’ve seen it all before.  So, if you really want to get people talking about your show over a long hiatus period, you can’t pull any punches.

Source 

On the other hand, if you go too far, or change things up too much, you risk alienating the very audience you worked so hard to keep.  After all, your fans have certain expectations regarding shows they love.  And they need to know that the show to which they are returning is the same one they fell in love with, in the first place.

Undoubtedly, this is the quandary Terence Winter and Co. found themselves mired in, when drafting “To the Lost.” It was, by all accounts a spectacular season finale, one that will undoubtedly have fans talking about it long after the final credits have rolled.  But now that things have changed so dramatically, will fans have a reason to return?

Source 

Let’s review, shall we?

“Welcome back, fellas!”

Jimmy Darmody spent this episode much like Queen Latifah’s character did in “Last Holiday,”  (only without the fancy dresses   . . . and all the food  . . . and certainly without Cuba Gooding Jr.)

What I mean, of course, is that Jimmy spent the entire episode behaving as a man who knew he was marked for death.  He tidied up his affairs.  He righted wrongs.   He gave people important pieces of advice.  Jimmy assured himself that when he left this world, he would do so with as few regrets possible, given the life he lived.

Source 

“I’m no one’s idea of a hero, least of all mine,” Jimmy said to the masses, during his impromptu speech on Veterans Day.

But Jimmy sure seemed like a hero, this week, which is how we all pretty much knew he was a goner.  Let this be a lesson to you actors, out there.  If you ever get a script, where your typically flawed, or under-used character, suddenly starts looking like the Messiah, chances are you aren’t making it out of the our alive .  . .

Source 

I just realized he’s still wearing his wedding band .  . .

Anyway, the episode begins with Jimmy and Harrow fulfilling their promise to Chalky White, by hand-delivering to him and his men, the three KKK members responsible for shooting him, and his family.

Source 

“We gonna SCHOOL THESE CRACKERS SHEET-HEADS!”

 In addition to these fine specimen, Jimmy also offered additional money to the families of the people the KKK had murdered during their raid.  In return, Chalky agreed to end the labor strike,  and broker a meeting between Jimmy and Nucky.  Now, I’m not usually one who condones violence, but I have to say, I got a bit of thrill watching Chalky and his former-foe-turned-bestie,  Purnsley, gleefully kicking the crap out of these racist bastards.  Those sheet-heads had it coming . . .

 

They sure are dapper and perky, psycho killers,  aren’t they? 

As Harrow and Jimmy drive away from the fray, Harrow turns to Jimmy and tries to offer him some sage advice / tough love.  “You know, no matter what you do, he’ll never forgive you for everything you did,” he says, clearly referring to Nucky, and Jimmy’s newfound, almost compulsive need to make things right with him.

And how does Jimmy respond to his most loyal comrades eerily prophetic words?  “Let’s get some steak,” he says.

“I wouldn’t, if I were you!” 

It sure is good to see that Jimmy has his priorities straight.  I mean, you can’t eat when you’re dead, right?

Meanwhile, Nucky is meeting with that poopface, Angela-killer, Manny Horvitz, who is seeking the opportunity to kill his bitter rival, Waxy Gordon, in exchange for allowing Nucky to kill Jimmy.  Nucky doesn’t seem particularly interested.  At least . . . not at first . . .

“Might I instead interest you in a fresh cut of man meat?” 

After his meeting with Poopface, Nucky arrives home to find Dangerous Maid Katie, and Anonymous Maid helping Emily walk with her new braces.  He asks where Margaret has gone.  Dangerous Maid and Anonymous Maid don’t know.

But we do . . .

“Set yourself free.”

One thing I definitely won’t miss about Boardwalk Empire is that ugly ass hat Margaret’s been wearing, ever since she got enough money to afford it.  I HATE that hat!  You know what else is kind of annoying?  That self-assured, independent Margaret suddenly needs to consult her priest about every single decision she makes.  I wouldn’t be surprised if he also accompanies her to the bathroom . . .

“Fa-ther, should I wipe myself with my right hand, or my left?” 

So, Margaret ended up paying the federal prosecutor a visit, after all.  And she did so, with her trusty priest at her side.  That said, I found it a bit suspicious that the priest, of all people, seemed to be the one trying to convince Margaret not to speak.  This makes me wonder if Nucky has this guy in his back pocket too.  (Nucky’s back pocket is a crowded place, indeed.)

It was interesting seeing Margaret face off against Assistant D.A. Esther Randolph.  After all, in many ways these two women are alike: intelligent, strong, judgmental to a fault, and somewhat cold and aloof.  But they have vastly different value systems.  As a result, the strategies these two women use to succeed in the male-oriented world in which they live are diametrically opposed to one another . . .

Margaret attempts to engage Esther in conversation by asking her whether it was difficult to become a lawyer.  “Not if you are willing to do what it takes to achieve it,” replies Esther staunchly.

And yet, later she admits that it was, in fact, difficult for her to achieve.  Margaret has little trouble admitting to Esther that her first husband was a drunkard, who beat her and her children.  However, she becomes noticeably uncomfortable, when Esther notes how much better Margaret is doing for herself, now that her first husband is out of the way.  “He’s never been cruel to me,” Margaret says of Nucky, clearly already having doubts about the decision she’s made.

Source 

“Though, admittedly, the sex leaves a bit to be desired . . .”

“But he’s been cruel to so many others,” Esther retorts.

“I’ve never seen it,” Margaret replies.

“But you know it to be true!”

The conversation really reaches its breaking point, when Esther suggests its wrong for Margaret to not testify against Nucky, because this would be better for her children.  “You would put their well being above all others?”  Esther asks.

Obviously for Margaret, as I suspect, for most mothers, the answer to that question is “yes.”  And this is where Esther loses Margaret.  Because of all the “sins” for which the latter feels guilty, protecting her children is definitely not one of them.  (At least, she’s not . . . you know . . . kissing their winkies  . . .or anything like that)

Source

 “Set yourself free,” Esther says, in a last ditch effort to convince Margaret to testify against her funny-looking gangster lover.  “You’ll be amazed at how much better you feel.”

And Margaret does end up “setting herself free,” by the end of the hour . . . just not in the way either Nucky Thompson or Esther Randolph would have expected . . .

Elsewhere, Nucky is meeting with his lawyer, who is instructing him that he needs to “take care” of the Margaret situation, before she ruins everything for him.  But could Nucky really murder his Margiepoo. . .

 . . . or does he have a more peaceful solution in mind?

“Let me make things right.”

Source 

Jimmy Darmody is smoking by the window, and looking decidedly broken, beaten and bereft but still hot.   When Nucky’s car pulls up in his driveway, his first instinct is to grab a gun.  (It’s a good instinct.)  But Nucky’s new driver / Number 1 Henchman, Owen, a.k.a. Jimmy 2.0, also has a gun, and this prompts Jimmy to put his down.  (Though, if it were me, I would probably have the opposite response in this situation.

“You can wait outside.  It’s OK, I used to do your job,” says Jimmy, a statement that is equal parts friendly and patronizing.

You’re the reason I’m doing it now,” retorts Owen, as he reluctantly leaves the house.

Source 

Touche, Sexypants!

Solemn and respectful, Jimmy pours his former father figure a drink, and proceeds to tell him about all his dearly departed family members, and who is responsible for each of their deaths, “To the Lost,” he toasts, holding his tumblr aloft.  (I smell an episode title!)

The conversation quickly turns to Jimmy’s father, and murder victim, the Commodore.  “I should have killed him the moment he suggested betraying you,” Jimmy admits “And I did kill him . . . it just happened to be a few episodes too late.”

Poor Jimmy . . . sexually molested by his mother .  . . this was clearly a man in need of a healthy parent-child relationship.  And you can’t help but feel bad for him, when he confides in Nucky that he was nearly brought to tears when the then-ailing Commodore once told him, “You’re a good son.”

“He was your father.  Nothing trumps family,” Nucky says, echoing Margaret’s sentiments from earlier in the episode.

In hindsight, this statement was a hefty little piece of foreshadowing.  But more on that, in a bit . . .  “What can I do?”  Jimmy pleads, seeking forgiveness from Nucky, as if the latter is his personal priest.

“Tell the truth,” Nucky exclaims.

“I was angry,” is all Jimmy can say in response.

He does manage to tell Nucky that the shooting was all Eli’s idea, which, of course, we know it was.  But whether Nucky truly believes this of his own personal Fredo, will surely be a topic of discussion, over the next few weeks  . . .

“Let’s make things right  .  . . as right as they can be,” Jimmy insists, finally.  “Tell me how to help you.”

I know how I can help you, Jimmy.  Here’s a little piece of advice:

“If there really is a god, would he have given me this mug?”

As big of a crock of sh*t as Nucky’s tail-between-his-legs, “I need you to marry me, so you can’t testify against me, due to spousal privilege . . . so I’m basically going to blow all this religious smoke up your ass that I don’t really give two craps about . . . but, hey, at least I’m not going to MURDER you . . . YAY!” speech to Margaret ended up being, it gave me a lot of respect for Steve Buscemi.  I mean, clearly, someone wrote that script with the actor in mind.  Especially since, from what I’ve heard, the real Enoch Johnson was quite the looker, back in the day . . .

My favorite people in the world are the ones who can laugh at themselves.  Obviously, Steve Buscemi is one of these people . . .

While Ugly Mug Nucky is trying to “make things right,” on his end, Jimmy is busy preparing for his future, or rather, his lack of one.  When the Late Commodore’s lawyer, Uncle Junior from The Sopranos, tells Jimmy that the bastard left all his wealth to the maid that may or may not have tried to poison him, Jimmy proceeds to RIP UP THE WILL, while Uncle Junior watches, secretly impressed.

Source
“I’m strangely aroused.”

Jimmy’s morbid inquiry as to whether his son will inherit the Commodore’s money when he dies, does give that baby f*&ker Gillian some pause.  But the big dollar signs in her eyes prevent her from giving the matter the attention that it deserves . . .

After disposing of the Commodore’s will, Jimmy meets with the alderman who will be testifying against Nucky, and politely asks them to recant their statements.  An offer they all, at least, initially refuse, though one of them, might end up being sorrier about that decision than the others . . .

Meanwhile, Margaret awakens to see Nucky helping Emily walk with her leg braces.  She’s so touched by the gesture that she ultimately agrees to marry Nucky, provided she can make a full confession to her good pal, the Priest first . . .  (See what I mean, about her consulting that guy about EVERYTHING!)

“Fa-ther, does marrying Nucky mean I can’t have delicious sex with Owen, anymore?” 

“Nahhhhh!” 

“I’ll take the ducks” 

The opening statement / wedding / murder montage was probably my favorite part of the entire episode, because it reminded me so much of the last twenty minutes of all three Godfather movies (even that super sh*tty third one), as well as some of my favorite Sopranos episodes.  The montage begins with a nervous, but fiercely determined, Esther Randolph practicing her opening statement against Nucky Thompson, in front of her bedroom mirror.

While she rehearses, her case slowly unravels, right before our eyes.  First we see Margaret give her confession, and marry Nucky, with Owen and Katie, of all people, as witnesses (AWK-WARD!)

As for Esther’s former star witness, Van Asshole, he’s taken his sweet little foreign nanny, and baby Abigail to Cicero, Illinois, where they will live as husband, wife and child, under the name “Mueller.”  (Wow!  I wonder what he told that Nanny to get her to agree to that?   Surely, the explanation didn’t involve the BAPTISM FROM HELL!)

Meanwhile, Jimmy and Harrow storm into the courthouse, like the bad asses they are, promptly securing seven recantments from all of the Alderman’s set to testify against Nucky . . . well make that six recantments, and one . . . SUICIDE NOTE.

Source 

Should have said, “Yes,” the first time he asked you to recant, Neery!

At trial, Esther is both furious and humiliated by this recent turn of events.  The judge gives her two options, proceed with her now-joke of a trial against Nucky, or come back later, once she has her ducks in a row. “I’ll take the ducks,” replies Esther.

Good choice! 

Speaking of lame ducks, it’s not easy being a Friend of Fredo!  While Eli was released from jail, immediately after the trial, it was the beaten-up and extremely pathetic-looking Deputy Halloran, who ended up taking the fall for him.  (And I mean that, literally.  The guy could barely stand up straight.)

Source 

 Deputy, something tells me you will be “sitting there” for a looooooong time.

“Et tu, Eli?”

Oh, Eli!  You’re so lucky to have a brother like Nucky.  Not only does he let you get off, more or less, scot-free for TRYING TO HAVE HIM KILLED, he also provides you with valuable lessons on classical literature . . .

Source 

A true expert at trying to save his own ass, the fact that Eli tells Nucky that he wasn’t the one behind Eli’s attempted murder is not surprising.  What is surprising is that Nucky actually believes him.  Or does he?  You recall that earlier in the episode, Nucky told Jimmy that there is nothing more important than the bonds of family . . . that blood is thicker than water.  So, perhaps, it was ultimately that rationale, which prompted Nucky to choose his blood bag brother, Eli, over his watery-eyed erstwhile protege, Jimmy.

In the scene that follows this one, Nucky calls Arnold Rothstein, while the latter is discussing heroine with Meyer and Lucky.  He asks Rothstein, though not in so many words, whether he would care if Nucky wacked Manny Horvitz.  In response, Lucky and Meyer snicker, which, is more or less what these two massively underused characters have been doing all season . . . snickering . . . at everything.

(They’re still kind of sexy though.)

Rothstein pragmatically replies that he has no opinion, one way or the other.  But he does offer Nucky some sage advice, “Flip a coin, when it’s in the air, you’ll know which side you’re hoping for.”

On it’s surface, it seems as though the statement is referring to whether or not Nucky should kill Manny.  But in hindsight, it seems more like Nucky is trying to decide whether to kill his own brother, or Jimmy.  After all, Rothstein’s statement sounds surprisingly similar to the one Jimmy uttered to Nucky, right before the latter was shot.  “It doesn’t matter if you’re right or wrong, as long as you make a decision.”

 Source

Nucky might know that it’s wrong to trust Eli over Jimmy.  But, rest assured, when that coin is up in the air, he’s hoping his brother’s side comes out on top . . .

Speaking of Jimmy . . .

“It’s time for you to come home.”

There’s a definite wistul nostalgia surrounding Jimmy, when he takes his son out for a pony ride, and regales him with stories from some of the brighter moments of his childhood.   Jimmy probably never expected to be a father as soon as he was, and he wasn’t a perfect one, by any means.  But it was always clear that he loved little Tommy deeply, and raised him the best way he knew how . . .

Source 

When Jimmy gives Tommy his dog tags, it certainly feels like he’s saying goodbye to his son, forever.  And when Tommy immediately selects the solider hat, over the cowboy hat to wear while riding the pony,  Jimmy is both proud of him, and afraid for him, at the same time.  Though, if I was Jimmy, I’d be much more afraid of leaving him with that wackadoo mother of his, than about his possibly dressing up like an army man for Halloween.

Source

Back at home, Jimmy and Harrow are drunkenly reminiscing about their days as soldiers in the war, an experience that broke them both beyond repair, and yet, at the same time, bonded them for life.  Harrow admits that being at war was the only time that Harrow truly felt like he belonged, and that sometimes he feels like he’s still at war . . .

To this, Jimmy responds, by giving himself a sage piece of advice that, had he himself, been able to follow it, his life might have been very different, indeed . . .

Source 

Giving Richard permission to “come home from war,” is Jimmy’s first parting gift to Richard.  His second may very well be the gift of life.  When Nucky calls the house, instructing Jimmy to meet him in a remote area, at night, in the rain, Harrow offers to go in his place, or, at least, accompany him.   But Jimmy refuses the offer, telling Richard that, “This is something I’ve gotta do myself.”

When Jimmy leaves out the back door, so as to prevent his mother and child from knowing where he is going, Richard knows for certain that he’s never coming back.  In a way, he knew it the minute he told Jimmy that Nucky would never forgive him for the crimes the former perpetrated against him . . .

 

And when Gillian finds the dog tags around her grandson’s neck, she knows it too.  “You’re going to be an important man, some day . . . just like your father,” Gillian says to Little Tommy.  (For Tommy’s sake, I sure hope not . . .)

“I’m not seeking forgiveness.”

Source 

Jimmy arrives at the meeting spot, unarmed, and ready to die.  He is not the least bit surprised to Eli, Nucky, Owen, Manny, and a couple of random goons with guns lying in wait for him.   “I died back in the trenches,” Jimmy admits.

He no longer fears death.  In fact, he may even welcome it, or feel like he deserves it.  And when Jimmy learns that Nucky will be the one to kill him, he seems almost proud of that fact, as if taking the final bullet from anyone else would be an insult.  It sort of reminds me of how Tony killed his cousin (also played by Buscemi) in cold blood, because he didn’t want anyone else to get the chance.  In an odd way, Jimmy himself predicted this, when he made this bold statement to Nucky toward the end of the first season . .  .

Source 

If it wasn’t so slit-your-wrist depressing, it would be almost comedic how Jimmy seems to be coaching Nucky in the art of murdering him.  “Just breathe, Nucky.  You’ll get through this,” he says.  “The only person left to judge you as you.”

But Nucky doesn’t seem to find this advice helpful at all.  In fact, it only makes him madder . . .

Source 

For a second there, when Jimmy started gurgling, and coughing up blood, still clearly alive, having not been shot in the head, but, rather, in the mouth  (He DID tell you to breathe, Nucky!  Maybe, if you did, you would have been more efficient.), I actually got all excited, thinking my guy might just make it through this, after all.

But . . . then he shot him in the head . . . and that was the end of that.

“He’s reenlisting.”

As awful as it was to see Jimmy ripped from this world, and this show, the fact that Nucky was so smug about it the next morning, at the breakfast table with Margaret made it ten times worse.  Talk about embracing your gangster side!  But when Nucky announces that the reason he was out in the rain in the middle of the night was because, “Jimmy decided to reenlist,” Margaret finally figures out that all the religious bullcrap he laid on her to get her to marry him, was just a bunch of lies . . .

But it seems Margaret might be the one having the last laugh.  Remember when Nucky signed all his property, including that massive land mass on which he wanted to build a major money making road to Atlantic City?  Well, Margaret just signed away her rights to it . . . and deeded them over to . . . wait for it . . . THE CHURCH!

It looks like this kitty just got claws . . . make that a machine gun.

Somewhere in Heaven(?) Jimmy Darmody just gave Margaret Schroeder a big ole’ high five . . .

And that was season 2 of Boardwalk Empire in a nutshell.  But here’s my question: where do we go from here?  After all, Jimmy Darmody was just as much an anchor to this show for two seasons as Nucky Thompson.  Is Steve Buscemi strong enough, or likeable enough to carry this show on his own?  Do any of the pre-existing characters have the charisma or the fan support necessary to take Jimmy’s place?

For the show’s head writer, Terence Winter’s take on this, feel free to check out this interesting, if a bit frustrating, interview from Entertainment WeeklyAlso, check out this “scandalous” article on TVline.com, which not-so-subtly alludes to a possible less-than-kosher reason why the writers might have decided to axe the Darmody character.   As for me, I’m going to hold my tongue, and save my most opinionated rhetoric for the comment section (should anyone decide to comment ;)).  For now, I leave you with an absolutely hilarious musical number from that dude that used to play Agent Sebso on the show.  Seriously, he’s AWESOME!

Hey, Erik Weiner, if you’re reading this, CALL ME! 😉

[www.juliekushner.com][Fangirls Forever]

10 Comments

Filed under Boardwalk Empire

BAD MOMMY! – A Recap of Boardwalk Empire’s “Under God’s Power She Flourishes”

[Hey Gossip Girl fans, be sure to check back here, tomorrow evening (December 6th) for a recap of the mid-season finale episode, “Riding in Town Cars with Boys.”  Thanks for your patience!]

OK, Michael Pitt . . . the good news is that you get to have sex with the beautiful Gretchen Mol on cable television  (you know, where they can actually show all the dirty stuff) The bad news is, she plays YOUR MOTHER . . .

Source 

Want to know who’s probably not getting a Mother’s Day card, this year?  THIS LADY . . .

 Happy Motherf*&ker’s Day?

We’ve all that suspected something more than a bit un-kosher was going on between Gillian Darmody and her son, Jimmy.  But man . . . there was just something about seeing it up close and personal that really did a number on my retinas, you know?

Personally, I think the fact that the characters are played by two extremely attractive actors, who, in real life, aren’t all that far apart in age, made the whole thing so much worse.  Because, in any other situation, that scene would have actually been kind of hot . . .

But I’m getting a bit ahead of myself here.  Though it’s quite hard to believe, there were actually other things that went on in this episode.  Let’s talk about them briefly, before we get to the main event.  Shall we?

Run, Van Alden, RUN!

So, it turns out, Van Alden’s parents were part of one of those creepy religious cults that make you sell all your worldly belongings, in preparation for The Armageddon . . .

 (Holy crap!  Until I uploaded this poster, I had no clue that Steve Buscemi was actually in Armageddon.  Is it A SIGN?)

So, Van Alden was actually spawned by religious nutbars.  It’s a wonder he turned out so normal, right?

So, remember back in Season 1, when Van A$$hat was all in luuuuuuuuve with Margaret Schroeder . . . so much in love, in fact, that he wanted nothing more — after a long hard day of busting up liquor joints — than to look at a picture of her at age 16, and . . . um. . . WHACK OFF?  (See image above.)  Well, Van Alden is going to hope you forget that little tidbit of info.  Because, when asked by the Federal Prosecutor about his “opinion” of Ms. Schroeder, he claims to have formed none, one way or the other.  Poor Margaret!  I guess Van Asshole is “just not that into you” anymore . . .

Source 

I know, you’re all torn up about it.  But try to stay strong . . .

Van Alden may be becoming more discerning about the people with whom he wants to slap himself silly spend his spare time.  However, plenty of folks want a piece of him, this week.  We’ve got his baby nanny telling him that he’s a “good person,” in one scene. And that Human Punching Bag with the Woody Woodpecker voice, Mickey, trying to  strike a clandestine deal with him in another.

“Just another day at the office, HEHEHEHEHEE, OWWWW!” 

Speaking of Mickey, his cuts and bruises from the past two weeks, seem to have healed rather quickly.  Unfortunately, it’s done nothing to earn him any respect among his hoodlum peers.  Thrown off a balcony by Jimmy, strangled by Manny, and virtually cut out of liquor deal by Capone, Luciano and Lansky, Mickey seems willing to do anything to get back whatever little manhood he has left . . . even if that means ratting out the rest of his crew to Van Alden, in exchange for both men partaking in a $150,000 a piece.

Van Alden ultimately turns down the deal.  But something tells me, by the end of the episode, he’s going to wish he took it.  After all, $150,000 can buy you and your bastard child a WHOLE LOTTA LEMONS . . . especially when you’re ON THE LAM.

But Van Alden’s creepy crush on Margaret, and sticky fingers’ tendency to steal cash while on the job, aren’t the only secrets that come back to haunt him, this week.  Remember the BAPTISM FROM HELL?

THIS GUY does . .  .

Or, at least, he would, if VAN ALDEN HADN’T DROWNED HIM, IN FRONT OF A WHOLE CHURCH’S WORTH OF PEOPLE.  Coincidentally, one of the people who watched this take place, just so happens to be one of Nucky’s employees.  And this employee is more than happy to turn this information over to Nucky, to show him gratitude for keeping him employed during the strike.

At least HE won’t be getting whacked for Christmas . . . 

Nucky’s newer, younger, smarter attorney is quick to pounce on this information.  He gleefully turns it over to the Feds, even going so far as to dig Sebso’s clothing out of the water.  (Talk about going above and beyond the call of duty!)

In an oddly hilarious turn of events, Van Alden arrives at work, only to be confronted with his crime, and arrested on the spot (just about a year too late).  When cornered, the doofus shoots the Assistant Prosecutor in the tummy, and dashes off awkwardly, like a tubby kid being pelted by dodgeballs.

I knew I should have began an exercise regimen . . .

Somewhere in heaven, Agent Sebso is pumping his fist in triumph, not to mention laughing his ass off . . .

“Who have you cheated on?”

Don’t mess with CRAZY EYES!

In what was probably the most annoying storyline of the evening except for that scene with OWEN, TV Recapper likes Owen . . . A LOT!, Margaret continued her lame attempts to “save” Nucky, by helping him find religion, just as she found it, two episodes ago.  (Maybe Margaret has more in common with Van Alden and his parents than we thought.)

If the ugly hat fits . . . 

Call me a sap, but I actually really liked the Priest’s story about the people in Heaven who all fed eachother with their abnormally large spoons.  I thought it was adorable.  And yet, Nucky’s inquiry as to why the people in Hell couldn’t just hold the spoons differently, so they could feed themselves, also made a lot of good sense to me.  (Actually, I would say they all should just eat with their fingers.  Spoons are overrated, anyway.)

Nucky Thompson personally invites you to take your abnormally large spoon, and shove it up your . . . lobster.

Speaking of spoons, Margaret might be wishing she thought twice before spooning with Sexy Owen, especially, now that Dangerous Maid Katie seems wise to their “one-time” indiscretion.

 “So, tell me Margie, was he as good for you, as he was for me?”

It all started when Owen offered Margaret a helping hand with little Emily’s polio braces.  (As Owen knows full well, when trying to get back into a woman’s panties, it’s always helpful to remind her how “handy” you are.)

“Do you think about me?  Because I think about you,” Owen admits, in a confession that is equal parts oddly romantic, and shamelessly flirtatious.

“I have a big gun, and I’m not afraid to use it.”

When Margaret patronizes her former sex buddy, by telling him she will “pray he gains the strength not to think about her.”  The cocky, confident Owen is unfazed, cheekily responding that, if she prays for him, she WILL be thinking about him.  Katie overhears this, and stalks off, undoubtedly to write in her diary about two-timing poopyhead scoundrels who’s names start with “O” and end with “wen.”

“Can I, perhaps, interest either of you in a threesome?’ 

Later that night, Margaret is drinking hard liquor, all in a snit, because she’s been subpoenaed by the Feds on account of that whole “Nucky had her drunk abusive husband killed” thing.  She starts rambling on to Nucky about how the two of them are living their lives in sin, and blah, blah, blah.  But things start to get messy, when Margaret decides to use Nucky as an impromptu Priest, randomly confessing to him that she has stolen, deceived, and cheated.

Nucky’s no dummy.  So, he inquires as to the specific circumstances behind each of the aforementioned sins.  Interestingly enough, Nucky barely reacts to the realization that Margaret has stolen money from him.  (Why not?  Everybody else does.)  He also fails to react to Margaret’s silly non-confession that she has “deceived anyone who has ever thought of her as a good person.”

But things get interesting, when Nucky asks Margaret who she cheated on.  There have been a few instances, throughout this season, where Nucky seemed to somehow know of Margaret’s X-rated rendezvous with Owen.  And this was just one more telltale scene to add to the pile.  “Just say it,” Nucky challenges, as if already anticipating her response.

How could you possibly want more than THIS? 

However, Margaret has conveniently decided she’s done confessing her sins today.  Instead, she turns the tables on Nucky, blatantly accusing him of having her husband killed, and basically threatening to testify against Nucky in court.  Mind you, this is AFTER Nucky pretty much told Margaret that if he ever went to jail, he’d make sure she got all of his assets, to be spent on her and her two children, one of whom HAS POLIO.  I mean, being ungrateful and self-righteous is one thing, but being stupid is quite another.

“I gave you everything,” exclaims Nucky, before stalking out of the room, seeming more hurt than angry, at his lover’s surprise betrayal.

Hey Margaret, Nucky’s feeding you with his BIG SPOON.  You’d be wise to fill your mouth with food and keep quiet . . .

And now, the storyline you’ve all been waiting for . . . TV Recappers Anonymous proudly presents to you, Oedipus Darmody: Atlantic City Edition . . .

“One day soon, he won’t be a little boy, anymore.”

When we last left our antihero, Jimmy he was headed to his alma mater, Princeton, the school whose motto is the title for this episode.  Jimmy had big plans for Princeton . .  . plans that involved unloading a carload of heroine and some quality booze on a bunch of wealthy Ivy Leaguers.  (That Jimmy . . . always giving back.)  Then, those plans got shot to Heaven . . . literally, when his wife and her lover both met the business end of Manny Horvitz’s gun, all on account of Jimmy’s unpaid debt.

Source 

Now, all that lovely white powder is up Jimmy’s nose, instead of in some smart kid’s pocket..  Now, he’s hallucinating / remembering those good ole days .  . . you know, back when he was in Princeton, the place where he met his wife-to-be, and, f*&ked his mother for this first time.  Ahhh memories . . .

Things started out pretty well for Princeton Jimmy, actually.  He had a cute waitress girlfriend, who drew pictures of him while he slept, and even liked his floppy hair.

He was also the teacher’s pet in his Dead Poet’s Society-esque English class, which was taught by a teacher who was significantly less hairy than Robin Williams.  Some of his pals from that class were enlisting in the army, because they had brothers who died on the Lusitania.  But not Jimmy.  Jimmy could care less about sticking it to the Kaiser.  After all, he’s from the A.C., and soldiering is just not how they roll down there . . .

Source 

Then, we find out that Angela’s pregnant.  And we think . . . uh oh . . . here comes the CRAZY JIMMY we know and love.  But actually . . . he’s TOTALLY COOL WITH IT.  She’s a nice girl.  He figures they’ll get married, move back to A.C. together, pop out a few puppies, and most certainly NOT involve themselves with sapphic adulterous relationships, or organized crime.  NO SIR, not these two good kids.

But then . . . MOM COMES TO VISIT!  *insert horror movie scream*

She begins her reign of terror, by liquoring our boy Jimmy up, even though he has a PAPER TO WRITE!

Source 

Then, she patronizes his girlfriend!

Then, she goes to his school mixer and hits on all his friends, and his DEAD POET’S SOCIETY TEACHER!

“Hey, Professor.  Look how high I can lift my leg.  Do I get an A?” 

Next, she gets fondled / possibly raped by that same Dead Poet’s Society Teacher.  (Robin Williams wouldn’t do that!)  This causes a weirdly jealous Jimmy to kick the sh*t out of not-Robin Williams, thereby facing possible expulsion from Princeton.

Oh, but it gets worse.  Mama Darmody proceeds to get herself wasted.  So, she stumbles back to Jimmy’s dorm room, requests his help undressing, falls into bed with him and . . . HAS SEX WITH HIM, while the train passes by.

 

(And based on the sound that train made, you could tell it was just as disgusted as we were!)

“There’s nothing wrong with this,” says Mommy Dearest, as she bumps and grinds with Sonny Boy, as if she was doing nothing more taboo, than having a glass of wine with lunch.

The next morning, Jimmy wakes up hungover, wanting to bleach himself out of existence.  Instead, he enlists in the army . . . claiming he has no living relatives, and a brother who died in the Lusitania.  Basically, he’s claiming to be somebody else, because, he desperately wants to be anyone but himself.  (Can you blame him?)

And that’s how Jimmy ended up in World War I.  The rest is Boardwalk Empire history . . .

Eventually, Jimmy returns home, drugged out, and highly emotional.  His creepy sicko mom should have seen the signs that this guy was a bomb waiting to explode.  But no.  Instead, she sits calmly, working on her needlepoint.  She then carelessly assures Jimmy that, in one month, Little Tommy won’t even remember Angela, anymore, and will likely come to view Gillian-Winkie-Toucher as his real mom.

Well . . . that does it.  Next thing you know, Jimmy’s got his hands around Gillian’s neck, and is screaming repeatedly.  “But I’ll remember.”

Deja-vu? 

For a few seconds there, it looks like he might actually kill her.  But then, in comes the Commodore to Gillian’s rescue.  Because, if anyone could relate to a fellow pedophile, it’s him.  You’ve got to admit, for a stroke victim / old tubby guy, that Commodore’s got some real “get up and go.”

Size does matter. 

He stabs Jimmy with a poker, and is about to complete the job, when Jimmy STABS HIM in the gut . . .

“Anyone up for a nice game of checkers?” 

There are few seconds there, after Jimmy has pulled out the knife, where the Big Happy Family all stare at one another in shock . . . possibly considering hugging it out, and having a big laugh over all of this.  (Just another great story to tell at Christmas dinner, right?)  But then, Gillian tells Jimmy to “finish it,” like she’s the announcer in some random father/ son wrestling match, or the computerized voiceover at the end of that game, Mortal Kombat.

And Jimmy actually does it . . . he finishes it, stabbing Commodore again . . . in the heart, this time.  You can’t undo that . . .

Time passes, and a dazed Jimmy awakens to find Richard, once again cleaning up his bloody mess.  (In an earlier, truly poignant scene, we see poor Richard — who has genuinely become the heart of this show — falls to his knees in anguish, upon touching the blood of Angela Darmody, the only woman, since his sister, who really seemed to care for, and understand him.)

In the chilling final moments of the episode, we see Tommy calling for his mommy, and Gillian answering the call.  She promptly picks up the small child,  as she undoubtedly did many times with Jimmy, during his youth.  “One day soon, he won’t be a little boy anymore,” says Gillian cheerfully, though, coming from her, it sounds like a threat.

Source 

As grandma and kid climb the staircase, Jimmy watches, broken, beaten, and clearly terrified.

But you know who I’m most terrified for  . . . Tommy Boy.  Kid, if you know what’s best for you, you will run as fast as those little legs will carry you.  (And while you’re at it, you should really consider picking up Baby Abigail Van Alden.)

“HEEEEEEEELLLLLP!!!!” 

And that’s all she wrote on the penultimate episode of Season 2 of Boardwalk Empire.  Next stop, the finale . . . See ya then!

Source 

[www.juliekushner.com][Fangirls Forever]

7 Comments

Filed under Boardwalk Empire