Damon Salvatore’s GIFT to YOU – Animated GIFs for Every Occasion!

Don’t say I never gave you anything!

A few months back, Dawson’s Creek’s James Van Der Beek took a running joke that fans of the show had about his Ugly Cry Face . . .

 . . . and turned it into comedic GOLD (not to mention, a major marketing opportunity)!  Sure, The Beek may never be hired to act in a movie where has character has to cry, ever again . . .

But, with all the cash he’s raking in from those Dawson’s Creek syndication rights . . . (and all the good karma he’s building up, by helping bloggers like me find The Perfect GIF, when we’re too lazy to actually express our feelings in actual WORDS), James “don’t need NO STINKIN'” CRYBABY MOVIE!  He’s set for LIFE!

(But, seriously, if you haven’t checked out JamesVanDerMemes yet, do it NOW.  It truly is a Blogger’s Best Friend!)

OK . . . OK . . . I know what you are thinking.  You are probably saying to yourself right now, “I clicked on this post, because I thought I was going to get to read about DAMON SALVATORE!  So, what’s with all this James Van Der CRAP?”

Patience, my Fangbanging Friend!  All will become clear, in just a moment . . .

You see, this morning, I was reading an awesome, Damon Salvatore centric blog post, written by my fabulous pal from Down Under, Cherie, when I came upon one of my favorite Damon Salvatore GIFs . . .

THIS got me to thinking about ALL the fantastic Damon Salvatore GIFS I’ve managed to collect, since I started recapping The Vampire Diaries, about a year ago.  And thinking about THAT, got me to thinking about how Ian Somerhalder (who plays Damon on the show, DUH!) could probably learn a thing or two from Mr. Van Der Beek, about how to convert his natural GIF-making ability into Cold Hard Cash . . .

(Cash that can be used to benefit the Ian Somerhalder Foundation, perhaps?)

So, without further adieu, TV Recappers Anonymous proudly presents: Damon Salvatore Memes, a series of Damon-y GIFS that will be sure to satisfy all of your sexual emotional and blogging needs . . .

Happy GIF-ing!

Greetings from Damon Salvatore

Often times, when you are blogging, there are instances where you want to offer up a little “Howdy” to your loyal readers.  After all, sharing your thoughts with like-minded folks is what blogging is all about, right?  Fortunately, we have Damon Salvatore to help you do just that . .  .

Now, there are many ways to say “hello” to your friends.  You can wave . . .

You can give them the oh so cool, “Nod and Point” . . .

Or, for those “close” friends, you can blow them a kiss . . .

Not bad, right?  But saying hello to your blogging buddies, is just the tip of the iceberg.  Damon can help you out with so much MORE!

Damon Salvatore Helps You Get Laid . ..

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Flirting through blogs and e-mails can be a tricky business.  Since the person you are trying to put the moves on can’t actually SEE you, there’s a good chance some of the subtleties of your language might get lost in translation.  When this happens, the best case scenario is that your overtures of affection are misunderstood or ignored.  Worst case scenario?  You end up looking like a TOTAL Creepy Perv. 

Thankfully, with the help of Damon Salvatore, flirting is easy . . .

After all, no self-respecting love interest would be able to resist the Eye Thing . . .

. . . or the Compelling Stare . . .

Want to tell your crush how dreamy they look?  Katherine and Damon can do it for you!

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Perhaps, you want your crush to CALL you, so that you can continue your flirtation over the phone . . .

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Or, maybe, you want to give your lover an electronic kiss on the cheek . . .

Not at the Cheek Kissing stage of your relationship, yet?  Try a chaste Forehead Kiss . . .

Awww, you know what?  Screw chastity!  Go in for the Tongue Kiss!  You only live once, right?  (Or, if you happen to be a vampire, you only live, FOREVER!)

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But, perhaps, this isn’t just your crush.  Maybe, it’s your significant other . . . someone you’ve already kissed, many times.  Perhaps, you’ve recently come to the realization that you don’t want to kiss anyone else, ever again.  This person is the one who’s lips you want to remain locked with, for the rest of your life.  (Well, except for when you are eating . . .).

You LOVE this person!  And what better way to tell someone you love them then with a not-particularly-large pixelated computer image!

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Who am I kidding?  This portion of the post isn’t about LOVE?  It’s about SEX, right?   So, here are some “Let’s Have Sex” GIFs for you, courtesy of Damon Salvatore.  (Some of them are pretty literal.   For others, you will have to use your imagination.)

And, my personal favorite . . .

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Phew, that got me all hot and bothered!  Please excuse me, while I take another shower . . .

OK . . . I’m back . . .

You know, love isn’t all Hearts and Roses.  It can be pretty painful too.  Fortunately, Damon is here to help you express your Relationship Angst . . .

Damon Salvatore Can Help You Heal a Broken Heart . . .

Have you just been rejected?

Do you feel like your heart has just been ripped out of your chest?

Damon Salvatore feels your pain!  And he can help you express it, too!  Whether your sadness is of the quiet, brooding and soulful variety . . .

 . . . or you consider yourself more a student of the “Let It All Out” School of Emotional Outbursts . . .

Damon has just the GIF for you!

Worry not, with Damon feeling your miserable emotions FOR YOU, you’ll be dancing in NO TIME!

And if not . . . well . . . getting totally and completely wasted, and numbing your mind with booze, is always an option!

Damon Can Help You Cyber Bully  (Not that I advocate cyber bullying, because I don’t, Parent Teacher Council! ;))

You know that moment when a despised television character, who you THOUGHT was gone for good, suddenly makes a re-appearance on your favorite show?

And they start mucking things up for ALL your favorite characters and Ships?

Well, sometimes, that happens in REAL life too! 

Below are some healthy ways to vent your frustration, which, hopefully, will prevent you from going into a rage and ending up in jail.  Might I suggest some idle threats . . .

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How about getting some vicarious thrills, by watching Damon hurt someone on television, and PRETENDING that it’s YOU doing the hurting, with the Person You Hate as the unsuspecting victim. . .

And, hey, if anyone ever accuses you of Cyber Bullying, because you just so happened to use a few of these images to . . . get your message across?  My recommendation?  LIE!

Here are some other Damon Salvatore GIFs that you may find helpful in your blogging future . . .

The Eye Roll . . .

The Expression of Awesomeness

The Expression of Thoughtfulness / Quiet Contemplation of Deep Issues

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The Strong Desire for a Certain Someone to Shut the Hell UP!

Hunger

And finally . . .

The Desire to See Ian Somerhalder Naked, and Fresh out of The Shower

Three times in one post!  I’m pretty sure this is a record for me!

There you have it, my fellow Fangbangers, a comprehensive series of Damon Salvatore GIFs that are sure to meet all of your blogging and fangirling needs. 

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So, what’s YOUR favorite Damon GIF?

[www.juliekushner.com][Fangirls Forever]

 

Sookie Stackhouse is getting MARRIED?! — Just kidding . . . It’s just the trailer for her new film, “The Romantics.”

So, did you guys see that new episode of True Blood?

You know, the one where Sookie . . .

 dumps Vampire Bill . . .

 . . . and runs off to marry some guy who works in upper level management at this fancy Las Vegas casino . . .

 .  . . a guy who can take his shirt off IN THE SUN . . . without getting burned?

Unfortunately, Vegas Casino Guy might still be in love with Joey Potter . . .

Because, who ISN’T still in love with Joey Potter?  We all know HE is . . .

 . . . and THIS GUY definitely is . . .

 So, why not Vegas Casino Guy too?

Also, during this episode . . . Sookie finds out she has a FAIRY Godsister . . .

 But the little fairy just keeps whining about having to give up Puck’s baby for adoption . . .

. . . and about losing Sectionals to this TOTAL  A -hole, Jesse James . . .

 . . . Sorry . . . I mean Jesse ST. James . . .

It’s a pretty bizarre episode.  You see, not only has Sookie dumped Vampire Bill.  She’s also kicked to the curb, her two best friends, Tara . . .

 . . .  and Sam . . .

 . . . and replaced them with TWO NEW best friends:  Frodo Baggins . . .

(who promised he’d lend her a ring to use for the wedding, but hasn’t been seen or heard from since ) . . .

and Seth Cohen . . .

(who’s deathly afraid of vampires, but REALLY wants Sookie to join his Comic Book Club) . . .

Oh, and that mean girl from 27 Dresses is there too . . .

She knew that Sookie really wanted to wear Gram’s old wedding dress to her wedding . . .

. . . but thought the fabric would look much better as a TABLECLOTH for her apartment . . .

So, she STOLE it from Sookie’s closet, and had it “altered.”

And I have NO IDEA what heck Murphy Brown was doing in this episode!

*      *       *      *

So, basically, there’s this movie coming out this weekend, called “The Romantics.” It stars ALMOST all of the people I just mentioned (Anna Paquin, Josh Duhamel, Katie Holmes, Dianna Agron, Elijah Wood, Adam Brody, Malin Ackerman, and Candice Bergen).  In other words, it has the BEST CAST IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD!

Unfortunately, the trailer for the film is kind of dull . . .

So, I’m more than a bit torn as to whether I am willing to pay the price of admission, to go see it.  The film is actually based on a book of the same name, by a guy named Galt Niederhoffer.  (Try to say THAT name three times fast!)

The book (which I haven’t read yet) is about a group of friends who attended Yale University together.  

They reunite, six years after graduation, to attend the wedding of TWO members of their elite social circle: Lila (played by Anna Paquin) and Tom (played by Josh Duhamel).  Tensions quickly rise within the wedding party, due to the fact that the Maid of Honor, Joey Potter Laura, ALSO used to date Tom.  Obviously, these two still have some unresolved feelings for one another.  

OMG!  Really?   Because I TOTALLY never saw that one coming . . .

  The rest of the film’s cast will play Lila’s mother (Candice Bergen), her little sister (Dianna Agron), and her various friends (Elijah Wood, Adam Brody, Malin Ackerman), respectively.  Rounding out the cast are Jeremy Strong , who actually attended Yale in real life (probably around the same time his fictional character did) . . .

.  . . and Rebecca Lawrence . . .

On the surface, The Romantics has a pretty promising premise . . . an indie film mashup of The Big Chill . . .

St. Elmo’s Fire . . .

. . . My Best Friend’s Wedding . . .

. . . and every chick flick ever made . . .

Yet . . . I don’t know.  Something about the trailer just seemed a little . . . dry . . . to me.  But, perhaps, I should let you judge for yourself . . .

Were you as underwhelmed by this trailer as I was (DESPITE the overwhelming awesomeness of the cast)?  Or did you catch something in it that made you want to immediately gorge on the film, like a hungry vampire chomping on a fairy?

The Romantics walks down the aisle September 10th, in New York and L.A..  However, it will “honeymoon” in wide release, shortly thereafter.  Will YOU see it?

[www.juliekushner.com]

OMFG? Not so much . . . – The Top Ten “Been There, Seen That” Teen Television Cliches (Part 2 of 2)

A couple of days ago, I came up with a list of the top ten plotline cliches featured in teen-oriented television dramas.  In the first installment of this blog entry, I posted the first five of these cliches.  That list included: (1) the Pregnancy Plotline; (2) the Death of a Peripheral Character Plotline; (3) the Student / Teacher Relationship Plotline; (4) the Cheating on a Test  / Plagiarism Plotline; and, finally, (5) the “Bad Influence” Plotline.

This installment will focus on the following popular Teen Television Cliches: (1) the Love Triangle; (2) the Summer in Europe; (3) the Love / Hate Relationship; (4) the School Ski Trip; and, of course (5) the Prom.  So, without further adieu, what do you say we take off our creative thinking caps, embrace conformity, and get started?

1) “Can’t we all just . . . have a threesome, instead?” – The Love Triangle Plotline

The Storyline:  Girl meets boy.  Boy is attractive. 

Boy is also nice and sweet, albeit a tad boring (and, sometimes, a bit of a whiny b*tch). 

Or, conversely, Boy is total douche; 

but Girl’s parents love him;

He looks “good on paper.”

and Boy is sure to make Girl a very wealthy, but very bored, housewife, some time in the not-so-distant future, if she plays her cards right.

But then . . . Other Boy magically appears.

Unlike the original Boy, Other Boy is a little dangerous . . .

Maybe he’s from the wrong side of the proverbial “tracks” . . .

Or, perhaps he has a reputation for being a bit of male slut . . .

 . . . or a criminal.

 Or maybe he has a bit of a mean streak, so Girl isn’t sure she can really trust him.

But there is just something about the way Other Boy makes Girl feel . . .

She smiles and laughs more when she’s around him. 

(Click the internal link to watch.)

He makes her more fun!

And Other Boy continues to believe in Girl, and support her, long after everyone else has seemingly abandoned her (including the original Boy).

So, what’s a Girl to do, when she wants them both?

Who does she choose?  Well, that depends on the season . . . the Television Season, that is . . .

Examples: Joey, Pacey, and Dawson (Dawson’s Creek); Veronica, Logan, and Duncan (Veronica Mars); Marissa, Ryan, and Luke (The O.C.); Elena, Damon, and Stefan (The Vampire Diaries); Rory, Jesse, and Dean (Gilmore Girls); Blair, Chuck, and Nate (Gossip Girl); Peyton, Lucas, and Nate (One Tree Hill); Emma, Sean, and Peter (Degrassi: The Next Generation); Felicity, Ben, and Noel (Felicity); Casey, Cappie, and Evan (Greek); Lyla, Tim, and Jason (Friday Night Lights)

Why it’s a cliche?  Three words (One of them is a contraction).  Because . . . It’s . . . AWESOME!

When it comes to successful teen drama plotlines, The Love Triangle, is a surefire WIN!  After all, what girl wouldn’t want to have two totally hot guys, who are complete opposites of one another fighting over her!  Aside from allowing female fans to vicariously fulfill their deepest fantasies, Love Triangles provide the added benefit of making Teen Television watching a TEAM SPORT!  Boys have football and basketball.  Girls have  THIS . . .

Yes, boys and girls, choosing sides in a Love Triangle War is SERIOUS business!  (Girls have been shot over WAY less!)  Don’t believe me?  Check out the sheer intensity of THESE fan-fueled debates  . . .

About Blair, Chuck and Nate. 

About Elena, Damon, and Stefan

About Felicity, Ben, and Noel . . .

(The above video debate between these two twenty-somethings kind of goes off the rails, after the first five minutes.  But I love their obvious enthusiasm for a show that’s been off the air now for nearly a decade!  I also love their accents . . . and the very impressive “Portrait of Ben” one of them created.  Scott Speedman, himself, would be proud!)

2) “Go to Europe . . . because no one could possibly ‘find themselves’ in the States!”  – The Summer in Europe Plotline

“When in France, do as the French do . . . French kiss!”

(Here we go again!  Internal link clicking time!)

The Storyline: It’s close to the end of the Season.  Our female protagonist’s life is a mess!  It’s just jam packed with unresolved love triangles, family issues, and massive blowout fights with former friends.  And what better way is there to deal with all of your problems, than to run away from them?  So, our female protagonist jaunts off to Europe (usually Paris), leaving pining boys and cliffhangers in her wake . . .

 Once there, our female protagonist sees the sights . . .

and miraculously FINDS HERSELF!  When she comes back, she’s a COMPLETELY different person, than when she left.  Who knows?  She might even have a new completely random, doesn’t belong on the show at all boyfriend!

Examples: Serena and Blair (Gossip Girl); Joey Potter (Dawson’s Creek); Brenda and Donna (90210); Holly (What I Like About You)

Why it’s a Cliche?  The main character’s temporary departure from his or her home base is a great way to bring about a Teen Television Drama’s summer hiatus.  If us fans are forced to spend an ENTIRE summer away from our beloved gang of characters, at least we can sleep better knowing that they aren’t hanging out with one another EITHER!  Plus, filming a scene or two “across the pond” makes for a great excuse for the show’s writers to say to their producer, “I’d like an all expense paid European vacation, please.  What!  It’s for THE SHOW!”

A summer in another country is also a pretty good excuse to suddenly change the entire personality and demeanor of a character, without any rational explanation whatsoever .  . .

“I got my new girlfriend and a frontal lobe lobotomy in Prague.  Doesn’t everybody?

3) “He Loves Me  . . . He Hates My Guts . . . He Loves Me . . .” – The Love/ Hate Relationship Plotline

The Storyline: He’s a playboy, and a real ladies man.  But he comes across as mean, and kind of shallow.  She’s a Type A personality, who comes across as cold and a bit uptight. 

They butt heads from the moment they first appear on screen together.  They fight, and call eachother names.  They insult one another, and play nasty tricks on eachother. 

But there is a passion boiling beneath the surface, that both he and she are trying desperately to deny. 

At the time, he and she are both involved with other people.  Their significant others notice the sexual tension laced beneath their supposed hatred, and try in vain to ignore it.  But the tension only grows.  Jealous and longing looks become prevalent.  Lingering touches, and moments of out-of-character “niceness,” between the two make each member of the pair begin to question their feelings. 

The guy in this scenario typically recognizes his feelings for her first. 

(You know the drill . . .)

But he usually keeps this to himself, out of fear of being ridiculed by the new object of his desires.  Then the two are placed in a dramatic situation.  Suddenly their mutual passion for one another overtakes them.  And they both give in to their desires.

Examples: Joey and Pacey (Dawson’s Creek); Buffy and Spike (Buffy the Vampire Slayer); Veronica and Logan (Veronica Mars); Seth and Summer (The O.C. – sort of . . . well . . . she hated him); Elena and Damon (The Vampire Diaries); Blair and Chuck (Gossip Girl)

Why it’s a Cliche?  You know how everyone always talks about how hot Makeup Sex is?  A couple fights, and then they make up.  All that angst and sexual energy, built up from all that red-faced arguing, is just kindling for the inevitable Orgasmic Fire of “Getting Back Together.”  And THAT’S from a fight that might last a day!  You can just imagine how hot Makeup Sex would be if the couple fought nonstop for TWO SEASONS!

4) “When the temperatures get COLD, the action gets HOT!” – The Ski Trip Plotline

The Storyline:  I’m going to be honest, this one was less of a “storyline” and more of a “plot convention.”  (Hey!  YOU try to come up with ten of these things . . . It’s not as easy as it looks.)  But did you ever notice how virtually EVERY teen drama features at least one ski trip?  BIG THINGS always happen on ski trips too!  People get drunk, get laid, get raped, or cheat on their significant other!   And someone ALWAYS hurts their foot, and conveniently can’t ski!

Examples:

Dawson’s Creek:

Jenn hurts her foot, gets wasted, and almost screws Gay Jack. 

Pacey and Joey do it for the first time!

Boy Meets World:

Cory hurts his foot too!  And makes out with Linda Cardellini!

Other fabulous shows featuring wild and crazy teen ski trips include Degrassi: Next Generation (Darcy gets date raped), and What I Like About You (Holly comes to terms with her feelings for Vince).

Precisely NONE of these characters were ever shown ACTUALLY skiing . . .

Why it’s a Cliche?  There’s just something about being away from home and your parents . . . about sleeping in a log cabin, right next to the fire.  You relax.  You let your guard down.  You get a little slutty and make bad choices.  (Except in the case of Pacey and Joey . . . that choice was GOOD!)  Plus, it’s WAY cheaper to film on location in some fake ski lodge than say . . . taking your entire cast and crew to Europe.

5) “Question:  What happened at Prom?  Answer: EVERYTHING!” – The Prom Plotline

The Storyline: It’s the event of the WHOLE season!  The entire cast will be in attendance!  But not everybody is going with the person they WANT to be going with. 

 A couple will break up.  A couple will get back together. 

Someone will win prom queen. 

 

Someone’s heart will be broken. 

A couple will finally do it. 

Another couple will ALMOST do it, but decide to wait . . . Oh, and someone will get wasted and make an ass of herself.

Examples: Dawson’s Creek, The O.C., 90210, Veronica Mars, Gossip Girl

Why it’s a Cliche?  For every high school girl, the Prom is the culminating social event of her entire pre-college academic career.  Even the most jaded of high school students (and I, myself, was already pretty jaded by that time) can’t help but dream of having the perfect dress, the perfect limo, the perfect Prom date, and the perfect slow dance.  For most of us, with all that build up and preparation, Prom itself ends up being pretty anti-climactic.  (The Post Prom Beach Trip, on the other hand . . . now, THAT ROCKED!).  But if we CAN’T have the perfect Prom, at least we can get the joy of seeing our television friends experience it for us.

So, there you have it – Ten Trashtastic Teen Television Cliches for your viewing pleasure!  Doesn’t it all make you feel OLD?

 

OMFG? Not so much . . . – The Top Ten “Been There, Seen That” Teen Television Cliches (Part 1 of 2)

It is probably no secret to anyone who has ever stopped by this blog before (or even just examined the above “collage”), that I am a sucker for Trash-tastic Teen Television.  I have been a fan of these types of shows since the age of eight.  That was when I first decided that I desperately wanted to be a teen.  And I have no doubt that I will remain a fan, long after I have cruised past “old age,” and am forced to squint through my coke bottle glasses, and smile through my dentures, at the sight of some pipsqueaks (who bear a suspicious resemblance to my grandkids) attending prom on my small screen.

“That is one hot threesome.  Oh, when I think back to my first threesome . . . ah memories!”

Having been around the “teenage television” block quite a bit since my eighth birthday, I have come to notice a few patterns among my favorite teen dramas.  Over the years, I have watched in wonder, as certain storylines traveled across decades,  time zones, and networks, just to reach my lowly television set, over and over (and over and over) again . . .  So I’ve decided to investigate these storylines, in hopes of FINALLY figuring out what makes them so “gosh darn special!”

1) “Hit me with a baby, one more time!” – The Pregnancy Scare and/or Actual Pregnancy Plotline

The Storyline: Our teen female protagonist has sex . . . usually for the first time.  Her partner is either a long, LONG time boyfriend, with whom she has been discussing doing the deed for the ENTIRE season . . .

 Or, conversely, he is a one night-stand, who she (a) barely knows; or (b) seemingly despises.  There is never any in between. 

In the very next scene, our protagonist learns that she has missed her period.  She is FLIPPING THE F&CK OUT!

She keeps her discovery a secret from everyone, except for her best friend.  And the best friend is inevitably the one who convinces the protagonist to take the pregnancy test.

Regardless of the pregnancy test’s ultimate result, inevitably there comes a time when our protagonist has to have “The Discussion” with “The Maybe Baby Daddy.” 

 Sometimes, he takes it well . .  . usually, he doesn’t . . . at least, not at first.

Now, if the protagonist ends up not being pregnant . . . well then . . . THAT’S IT!  Our protagonist is RELIEVED!  She feels brand NEW!  She’s CHANGED!

She will pretend this whole little sweeps week episode never happened (or, in the case of Manny Santos, and Degrassi, the U.S. will pretend this whole episode never happened . . . by NOT AIRING IT, until about 3 years after it was actually filmed).  However, if our protagonist IS pregnant . . . we get stuck with a baby storyline for ALL ETERNITY (or at least it will seem that way  . . .)!

Examples: Brenda on 90210 (not actually pregnant); Andrea on 90210 (actually pregnant / had baby / raised baby); Summer on The O.C. (not actually pregnant); Manny on Degrassi: The Next Generation (actually pregnant / had abortion); Liberty on Degrassi: The Next Generation (pregnant / had baby / gave baby up for adoption); Emma on Degrassi: The Next Generation (not actually pregnant / feeling left out because EVERYONE else on her show actually was); Blair on Gossip Girl (not actually pregnant);  Georgina on Gossip Girl (To Be Determined?); Amy on Secret Life of the American Teenager (actually pregnant / had baby / is raising baby); Quinn on Glee (actually pregnant / had baby / gave baby up for adoption).

Why it’s a cliche?

“Hey there, boys and girls!  I’ve got a message for you!  Premarital sex is BAAAAAAAAD!”

Teen television programs tend to be written by adults.  And even the most hip and forward thinking adults, don’t like to think about their 15-year old kids f*c*ing eachother’s brains out like bunny rabbits on acid. 

So they ever so subtly try to scare the crap out of their kids, by showing them how having sex once can RUIN THEIR LIVES FOREVER!  It doesn’t really work . . .

This storyline is SO overdone that precisely NO ONE is shocked or dismayed by the prospect of a female protagonist  . . . missing her period.  Hey writers, want to REALLY scare your kids celibate?  Give your television characters crabs. 

That will permanently glue your teen’s legs shut for sure!

2) “OH NO!  You killed .  . . what’s his name again?” – The Death of the Peripheral Character Plotline

 

The Storyline:  There is this recurring character on your favorite show that has becoming increasingly annoying, of late. 

You can’t quite put your finger on it, but you just think the character really sucks. 

And you can’t wait for him or her to leave your television screen ALONE! 

You spend WAY too much time bashing this minor character on online message boards, and in snarky recaps of the show.  In those messages, you may or may not beg the show’s writers for said character’s untimely demise. 

Then the character actually DIES. 

And you’re secretly happy that you got what you wanted. 

But NOW you’re convinced you are very sh*tty person.  Because, REALLY, what kind of nice, normal person is HAPPY when someone dies, real or fake?  Even though very few of the characters on your show seemed to like this character any more than you did, while he was alive, they all make a big show of mourning and /or having a funeral for him or her.  

Your favorite character will inevitably give the eulogy for this character.  And it will be all warm, and fuzzy, and heartfelt . . . and, of course, totally depressing. 

And YOU will surprise yourself by crying like a baby when you watch it (probably out of guilt for openly hating the character so much . . . or . . .  maybe the scene just reminds you of a dead relative).  After the episode airs, the show’s entire cast will COMPLETELY forget that this dead character ever existed . . .

Examples: Scott on 90210, Abby on Dawson’s Creek; Rick on Degrassi: The Next Generation, Johnny on The O.C., that dude Serena supposedly “killed” on Gossip Girl, Percy and Reed on Grey’s Anatomy (not technically a teen show, but still . . .), Vicki on The Vampire Diaries

Why it’s a cliche?  The “Very Special” Dead Person episode of any teen show is sure to be a ratings grabber, no matter how unlikeable the soon-to-be dead character was before he met his demise.  Plus, killing any character on their show (even if it’s just a one-episode guest star) allows producers to run that oh-so-original . . . “SOMEBODY WILL DIE!” promo the week before their episode airs, and you know how ALL producers LOVE that promo! 

3) “Hot for Teacher!” – The Inappropriate Student / Teacher Relationship Plotline

The Storyline:  The protagonist has a crush on his or her very attractive (yet obviously lonely, and very desperate), teacher. 

The teacher makes a lame ass attempt to rebuff the protagonists affections, but fails miserably. 

Soon the student and the teacher are doing the horizontal mambo together in secret. 

Someone always finds out.  Someone always exposes them for the sluts they both are. 

It always ends badly . . .

Examples: Pacey and Miss Jacobs on Dawson’s Creek, Paige and Mr. O on Degrassi: The Next Generation, Dan and Miss Carr on Gossip Girl, Aria and Mr. Fitz on Pretty Little Liars

Why it’s a cliche?  Forbidden love is HOT!  And cougars are all the rage!  Plus, who HASN’T had a crush on one of their teachers and indulged in a naughty fantasy, or two (or twenty) involving same? 

 Mine was my freshman history teacher in high school.  He was pretty young, compared to most of my teachers at that time . . . probably in his mid-to-late twenties . . . and single.  Actually, he kind of looked like this . . .

 . . . only he was a wee bit older . . . and he generally wore shirts (unfortunately).  Coincidentally, Mr. Devlin, if your reading this . . . 😉

4) “Cheaters never win, and winners never . . . whatever.” – The Cheating on a Test / Plagiarism Plotline

Storyline: The protagonist REALLY needs to pass a particular test or ace a certain paper.  He or she is under a lot of external pressure to do so. 

 But something happens, so that he or she doesn’t have time to do the appropriate amount of studying and /or research.  He or she is tempted, upon receiving answers to the test or a pre-written paper, to . . . CHEAT!

The protagonist struggles with whether or not to enter into the dark evil world of “school crime,” but ultimately does. 

Because the character cheated, he or she does so well on the test or paper that his teacher inevitably wants to enter him or her in some national competition of some sort related to the aforementioned paper or test.  Smothered by guilt, the character eventually comes clean.  He or she then gets in trouble . . . 

But not in nearly as much trouble as the character would, if caught, in . . . say . . . the REAL WORLD . . .

“It can’t possibly be worse than when I got that awful haircut . . .”

Examples: Felicity on Felicity, Andie on Dawson’s Creek, Rusty on Greek, Lindsay and Daniel on Freaks and Geeks, Spencer on Pretty Little Liars

Why it’s a cliche?  One word:  schadenfreude.  You see, here’s the thing . . . every teen show has that one uptight overachieving character, who always gets A’s, is super judgmental of all of her “less brilliant” friends, and never seems to do anything wrong.  Admit it!  It’s kind of fun to see tight asses like that crack under the pressure . . .

Make that VERY fun!

5) “I’m gonna do real bad things to you .  . . and make you DO real bad things!”  – The “Bad Influence” Plotline

The Storyline: Our protagonist is going through kind of a “rough patch” in his or her life.  He or she is therefore looking to let loose, and have some sort of emotional and/or physical release.  In walks a character who is fun, adventurous, and more than a little dangerous. 

Our protagonist starts hanging out with the “dangerous” character a lot. 

(Click the internal link to watch!)

Before you know it, he or she is behaving just like the “dangerous” character, and getting into all sorts of trouble as a result.   

 The protagonists other friends are jealous of all the fun their typically boring protagonist is now having.  But they are also worried.  Inevitably, the moment comes when protagonist is about to get into a cr*p load of trouble with the “dangerous” character. 

 The friends stage an intervention of sorts. 

It works!

 The dangerous character rides away on the evil broomstick by which it came.  All is, once again, right (and boring) with the world . . .

Examples: Abby influencing Jen on Dawson’s Creek, Georgina influencing Serena on Gossip Girl, Damon influencing Caroline on The Vampire Diaries, “The Freaks” influencing Lindsay on Freaks and Geeks, that character Paul Wesley played on Everwood influencing Hannah on Everwood, that character Paul Wesley played on The O.C. influencing Ryan and Seth on The O.C.

Why it’s a cliche?  Everybody’s got a dark side.  Secretly, we all want to be a little “bad” sometimes.  The good news is that we can do it safely and vicariously, by watching our favorite “good” television characters “go bad,” albeit temporarily.  They have fun while doing it . . . and so do we, at least until their lame friends bring them back to earth.

Well, that’s all the teen television cliches I have for tonight.  But please tune in tomorrow, when I tackle love triangles, love-hate relationships, prom, the ever enlightening “trip to Europe,” and, of course, the dreaded ski trip  .  . .

A Very, Very, VERY Sentimental Journey – A Recap of Glee’s Season Finale “Journey”

I’m not going to say that the The Sopranos finale was the first time I heard about or listened to the band, Journey, but it was pretty darn close.  Just in case you were curious, THIS is Journey . . .

Is it just me, or does the one on the far right bear a striking resemblance to Sue Sylvester?

Yet, now, between that controversial fade-to-black “Tony Soprano loves onion rings.  Let’s listen to Don’t Stop Believing, before we sort of, kind of, quite possibly die” series finale, and Glee‘s Journey extravaganza at Regionals, the aforementioned 80’s hairband has officially become the Lords of the Primetime Finale!  And having watched this season’s final episode of Glee (appropriately entitled “Journey”), I can certainly see why . . .

If At First You Don’t Succeed, Cry, Cry (and cry, and cry, and cry) . . . AGAIN!

The episode began with a SHOCKING revelation! 

Well . . . at least . . . it would have been shocking, if it wasn’t revealed during the episode promos.  You see, the winner of the Regional Glee Club competition was to be decided by a panel of four “celebrity judges.”  (Why four?  Wouldn’t it make more sense to have an ODD number of judges, in the event of a tiebreaker?) 

WHO is the fourth judge, you ask?  None other than THIS lovely lady . . .

 . . . who, seemingly, hates the Glee kids’ little singing and dancing butts.  This, of course, complicates matters, seeing as, Glee must “place” at Regionals, in order to retain school funding for their club.

Understandably, hearing that news bums out our Glee kids, who have already spent a majority of the second half of this season bummed out about something or other.  Lucky for Quinn, she gets to escape to Hot Porno Flashback land — specifically, the time when she and a still Mohawk-ed Puck did the nasty in her bedroom, while she was drunk on wine coolers.  Of course, she was still wearing her cheerleading uniform at the time.  Obviously, Quinn is too young to remember Monica Lewinsky, and the important life lesson she taught us, back in the day: “Sex acts are for the NAKED ONLY.  Clothes just get in the way, and, eventually get you into trouble.”

“I did NOT have sexual relations with that cheerleader!”

While the Glee kids are at Mr. Schuester’s house for pizza, they all cry about how much they will miss Glee club, once it’s gone.  Will tries to keep his composure during the meeting, for the kids’ sake.  However, later, while driving alone in his car, Will hears “Don’t Stop Believing,” and can no longer fight his emotions.    Kudos to Matthew Morrison for making this scene raw and real, and not feeling the need to “cry pretty.”  Because, let me tell you, for a cute guy, that was some UGLY ASS crying  . . .

“I don’t understand, he was eating onion rings, and everything was FINE!  Then it just ENDED, without explanation!  If only Meadow Soprano was better at parallel parking, things might have been different!

Upon witnessing this heartfelt, teary scene, I couldn’t help but be reminded of ANOTHER male actor, who is also highly adept at UGLY CRY FACE . . .

“I wish they played Journey music, when Joey Potter dumped ME.  It would have helped to ease my pain!”

Then, because it’s the season finale, and ALL Would-Be Couples must make out in the season finale they truly believe they can lead the Glee Club to greatness, Finn and Rachel decide to makeout in the middle of the high school hallway.

Just moments later, having been energized and inspired by his Ugly Face Cry, Mr. Schuester informs the kids that they will be doing a Journey medley at Regionals . . .  because the “journey is more important than the destination,” or something like that.  We all know how insufferably cheesy Mr. Schue can get, when it’s time for him to reveal the “Lesson of the Day.”

“Hey look!   It’s Will Schuester’s Dad, Mr. Rogers!  It all makes so much sense now.”

Welcome to Regionals, Baby!

As promised, at the Regionals competition, OUR Glee group, New Directions, sings a Journey medley containing, three songs: “Faithfully,” “Anyway You Want It,” and, of course, the song that first made this show legendary, “Don’t Stop Believing.”  The entire performance was phenomenal, and certainly exceeded all of MY expectations.  Even Finn’s awkward dancing was slightly less irksome tonight.  (Props to the script writers for not-so-subtly pointing out how VERY BAD he actually is.)  Oh, and you know who FINALLY got a solo?  THIS Guy . . .

I know, I know.  That was a totally lame excuse to include a Shirtless Mark Salling pic in this recap.  But, COME ON, this is my last opportunity to do this ALL SUMMER!  You can’t honestly blame me for trying to make the best of it.

Immediately, after New Directions finishes its performance, Quinn’s estranged mother approaches her, and tells her VERY pregnant daughter that she wants her back in her life.

I would love to say that Mama Fabray’s “change of heart” came from a completely unselfish place.  However, I imagine it had a lot to do with the fact that Daddy Fabray ran off with some “tattooed freak.”

Sound familiar?

Speaking of Jesse James, or, rather, Jesse St. James, while Quinn is being rushed off to the hospital to give birth (her water breaks, while she is reuniting with her mother),  Jesse and his EVIL crew, Vocal Adrenaline, perform their medley of songs by Queen.  We actually only get to hear “Bohemian Rhapsody.”  However, we can assume that, at some point, the group performed “Another One Bites the Dust,” also by Queen, seeing as we heard that one in last week’s episode.  Personally, I would have preferred to see this uptight bunch rock out to “Fat Bottomed Girls”  . . . but that’s just me.

I realize that Jonathan Groff is supposed to be this “big time” Broadway star, so I’m going to chalk this up to his interpretation of the “Jesse” character.  However, it must be said that this dude makes some truly WEIRD and PISSED OFF faces, when he sings and dances . . .

The Constipated Pianist

 “Bohemian Rhapsody” is a notoriously LONG song, that has about a MILLION different parts to it.  However, either Vocal Adrenaline are the World’s Slowest Singers, or Quinn gave birth to Mutant Speedy Pop Out Baby (It would certainly explain Quinn’s rapidly expanding, decreasing, and expanding again waistline).  Because, while Vocal Adrenaline was singing, New Directions had time to:

 (1) drive Quinn to the hospital;

(2) watch her go into labor and give birth;

 (3) complete all the legal paper work necessary to process an impromptu adoption (more on that later);

(4) drive back to the competition in perfect hair and makeup; and

(5) be ready and waiting on stage for the award announcements.

But I’m getting a bit ahead of myself here.  You see, the writers brilliantly (or disturbingly, depending on how you feel about these sort of things) juxtaposed Quinn’s giving birth . . .

“They’ve only been singing for about two minutes.  You have PLENTY of time to give me an epidural!”

 . . . with Vocal Adrenaline’s preformance of “Bohemian Rhapsody.”  So when Quinn gave birth to Baby Beth . . .

 . . . Vocal Adrenaline symbolically “gave birth” to Jesse . . .

EWWWWWWWWW!

 . . . which left me wondering, which Vocal Adrenaline star was lucky enough to play the “afterbirth?”

“I’m melting!  I’m melting!”

Speaking of that heartless witch of a Vocal Adrenaline coach, Shelby Corcoran, Rachel approaches her biological mom after the competition, and suggests she “team coach” New Directions with Will.  But Shelby HATES the idea.  She wants to have a NEW KID, so she has absolutely NO TIME to waste on her VERY VERY OLD ONE.  So, of course, Quinn and Puck HAVE to give Shelby their kid, because screwing up ONE childhood, is clearly not enough for this broad!

“I’ll get you my Quinney!  And your Baby Beth too!”

And the Winner Isn’t . . .

Meanwhile, Sue Sylvester and her panel of “celebrity” judges . . .

Yeah, I was confused too  . . .

 .  . . duke it out amongst themselves to determine who should win Regionals.  Surprisingly, Sue keeps her mouth shut through most of the deliberations, except to deflect some insults thrown her way by the other judges, Olivia Newton John, Josh Groban, and that random news guy from one of the early episodes, Rod Remmington.  And when Sue Sylvester is the NICEST one in the room, you know you’ve got a pretty unlikeable bunch.    The other three judges seem split exactly down the middle, with Olivia Newton John preferring the porn-name sounding “Aural Intensity,” who performed a cover of one of her songs, Rod enjoying Jesse and his Vocal Adrenaline kids, and Josh seeming to prefer OUR New Directions kids.

Soon after deliberations are complete, we learn that New Directions finished THIRD in the competition, with Vocal Adrenaline bringing in the win.  Of course, the kids are crushed, believing their Glee club dreams are finished . . .

A Kiss, Two Songs, A Truce, MUCH MORE Tears . . .

Back at school, Will finds ex-girlfriend Emma (now dating a dentist) screaming at Principal Figgins about his decision to disband Glee club.  (Not that Principal F has made ANY decisions this year, without someone’s hand up his ass, making his mouth move . . . I’ve seen slugs with more gumption than this guy!)  Will sees this exchange, and apparently finds it SUPER HOT, because he promptly tells Emma he loves her, and makes out with her because that’s what ALL Would-Be Couples do during season finales he really cares.

His mouth still wet from Emma’s super sanitized spit, Will enters the school auditorium to find his entire Glee club sitting before him.  In a scene that ACTUALLY had ME crying, the kids tell Will how much he has meant to them as a teacher.  They further explain that, even if there is no more Glee Club, Will’s lessons will always be in their hearts. The crew then sing “To Sir With Love.” And, by the time, they are finished, there is truly not a dry eye in the house.

Not even the eyes of Sue Sylvester!

Through flashbacks, we find out that, in a surprising show of decency, Sue HAD actually voted for New Directions to win at Regionals (which makes it all the more confusing that they LOST, especially considering that (1) Josh Groban also seemed to be on board with them winning; and (2) the other two judges each had a different favorite candidate.)

Feeling a bit guilty about the loss of New Directions, Sue strong-arms Principal Figgins (see what I mean about the hand up the butt?) into reinstating Glee club for ANOTHER YEAR!

Upon hearing the good news, Will decides to call a temporary truce with Sue!

 

Take note, Middle East!  If THEY can do it, so can YOU!

Will is so happy, he sings “Somewhere Over the Rainbow” with Puck, which was touching and sweet, if not exactly “manly.”

“Hey, Puck!  When we’re done here, do you wanna go shopping with me?  There are these ruby red slippers at the new mall that I’ve just been DYING to try on.  It’s right up the yellow brick road . . .”

So, there you have it, folks.  Our first season of Glee has come and gone, and a long, hot Glee-less summer awaits.  Something tells me, I’m going to be singing to myself A LOT more in the coming months . . .

See ya next year, fellow Gleeks!

Ian Somerhalder – Ladies’ Man, Man’s Man, Shirtless Man, Dancing Man (A YouTube Extravaganza!)

 

Here at TV Recappers Anonymous, we love ALL of our sexy television and movie men.  But, admittedly, some of them get more love than others.  Lately, Ian Somerhalder has been getting the MOST love of them all!  Right now, you probably know him best as Damon Salvatore from The Vampire Diaries. 

On that show, he is the “big bad,” quite possibly sociopathic, definitely vampiric, 160 plus-year old, older brother to Paul Wesley’s Stefan Salvatore.

In his role as Damon Salvatore, Ian plays a man with a serious thirst for blood, a penchant for the ladies, and a soft spot for one Elena Gilbert.

Did I mention he owns a mansion, and enjoys dancing around it half naked?

  (Click the internal link below, to view the video)

Now while all of this is FABULOUS for us fans,  The Vampire Diaries only airs once a week.  In fact, there are only TWO more episodes in the season.  Very soon, Somerhalder fans will be faced with a summer-long draught of open-shirted, brow-furrowed, snarky commenting, fabulous dancing goodness.  After all, there are only SO MANY Damon Salvatore fan videos you can watch on YouTube!

This is where I come in . . . You see, believe it or not, before The Vampire Diaries, Ian Somerhalder was actually in OTHER STUFF!

Shocking, I know!  The purpose of this blog entry today, is to help guide YOU toward Ian Somerhalder YouTube Nirvana.  This way, once The Vampire Diaries is on hiatus (after you’ve broken the virtual “Play” button on your “Damon and Vicki Dancing Webclip,” and after you have watched every single Damon Salvatore fan video known to man), you have some other places to look, in order to satisfy your Somerhalder-sized cravings . . .

Young Americans (2000)

This short-lived WB series (pre-CW) about an all-boys boarding school wasn’t around that long.  In fact, the show (a spinoff of the popular teen drama Dawson’s Creek), only lasted about eight episodes.  And yet, in that brief amount of time, it managed to REALLY push the envelope with some surprisingly risque storylines.  Most notably (of course, otherwise why would I include it here?) was the plotline involving Ian Somerhalder’s character, Hamilton Fleming, the All-American son of the school’s dean.  In the pilot episode, he meets a “boy” named Jake Pratt.  The two quickly bond and become friends.

The problem?  Heretofore straight Hamilton soon finds himself attracted to Jake, who Hamilton thinks is gay (Jake tried to kiss him near the end of the first episode).  So, of course, Hamilton begins to wonder whether he is gay too. 

Hamilton may very well be gay.  But here’s the thing: Jake is a GIRL!  For reasons that I never quite understood (something about getting revenge against her absentee mother) “Jake” a.k.a. Jacqueline posed as a boy to attend the all-boy school.  In the below scene, which was highly reminiscent of the prom scene in that old 80’s flick, Just One of the Guys . . .

(This film is VERY dated.  But it’s a good Netflix rental, if you’re ever in the mood for a gender-bending good time . . .)

 . . . Jacqueline finally comes clean to Hamilton about her . . . um . . . sex.

This exchange actually occurs during the fourth episode of the show.  So I really haven’t spoiled all that much for you.  What’s nice is that, on YouTube, someone was kind enough to distill the entire series into ONLY the Jake and Hamilton parts from each episode, and post them online.   So you can see the couple’s ENTIRE story in under a half-hour’s time.  Somerhalder’s excellent acting skills and the “Jake” character’s androgeny makes these clips WAY more erotic than they should be .  . . It’s definitely worth a look-see, in my opinion.

The Rules of Attraction (2002)

This film, which was based on a very jaded and dark, but oddly insightful, novel about college life, written by Bret Easton Ellis (Less than Zero, American Psycho), featured a fairly impressive cast of hot up-and-coming early twenty-something actors, most notably: Dawson’s Creek‘s James van der Beek, playing a decidedly un-Dawson like role . . .

(Joey Potter would not approve.)

 . . . Jessica Biel . . .

 . . . and Kate Bosworth (who, coincidentally, also starred in Young Americans with Ian Somerhalder)

Here, Ian plays the bisexual and sexually frustrated Paul Denton, a man who seemingly has only two favorite pasttimes: sex and dancing.  Lucky for him (and us), he gets to do both throughout the movie .  . .

Unfortunately, for my purposes at least, the creators of The Rules of Attraction don’t allow embedding on ANY of their original webclips on YouTube.  However, there are literally a TON of them out there.  Just type “Ian Somerhalder” or “Paul Denton”  and “Rules of Attraction,” and you are bound to find them all.  Not surprisingly, most of my favorites of these  involve a shirtless Somerhalder dancing and jumping on a hotel bed in his boxer briefs.

Remind you of anything?

Lost (2004 -)

Those of you who have read this blog before, know that I am a big fan of early Lost episodes, particularly those from the show’s first season.  Of course, THIS GUY had a lot to do with that . . .

Boone Carlyle was everything you’d want in a guy.  Kind-hearted, loyal, intelligent, brave, resourceful,well-to-do, athletic, and dead sexy.  So, of course, the Lost writers had to crush him with a plane and kill him near the end of Season 1.  But before that happened, we got to watch him, through flashbacks, engage in a VERY inappropriate sexual relationship with his younger stepsister, Shannon.

And, you know what?  As much as you REALLY didn’t want to like these two together (Aside from being his relative, Shannon was a manipulative bitch, who basically treated Boone like crap his whole life, and used his feelings for her to con him out of $50 grand.), you just couldn’t get away from the fact that they were both so DAMN HOT!  The chemistry between Maggie Grace and Ian Somerhalder was so smoldering, they practically burnt a hole in your television, every time they were on screen together.  Watch this clip, if you don’t believe me . . .

Need more?  Type “Boone and Shannon” and “Lost” into your YouTube search bar, and you will find plenty more where that came from . . .

That’s all for now, Somerhalder fans.  Just a little something to whet your appetite during those long HOT Vampire Diaries – less months. 

Happy YouTubing!