[Don’t worry, my fellow Fangbangers / Upper East Siders. I haven’t forgotten about you! I know I’ve been a bit remiss in my blogging recently, due to some real-life issues I’ve been facing. But I’m BACK now. You can expect a recap of The TVD season premiere “Growing Pains,” and a GG-related post, hopefully within the next 24 hours. Thanks for your patience!]
Not getting any lovin’ from that special someone in your life? Nick Miller feels your pain . . .
“You’re an emotional fluffer,” the eternally wise Winston warned his perpetually unlucky-in-love loft mate, Nick on this week’s episode of New Girl, which was aptly titled “Fluffer.”
For those of you who don’t know what a fluffer is
(or for those of you who are pretending not to know what a fluffer is, because you don’t want anyone to know you actually watch porn . . .) . . .
A “fluffer” is someone whose job it is to keep porn stars “happy” prior to their . . . um . . . cinematic performances . . .
And by “happy” I mean HAPPY . . .
SO, what exactly does this have to do with Jess and Nick, you might be asking yourself
if you didn’t see the episode. WHY DIDN’T YOU WATCH THE EPISODE DAMMIT? IT WAS A GOOD EPISODE! GET OFF THE INTERNET AND WATCH IT NOW, YOU LAZY BUM?
Hmmm . . . let’s think about this for a second. In what ways have we seen Nick fluff Jess . . .
Actually, the answer is a bit more abstract than that. You see, according to Winston, Jess gets the emotional perks of coupledom from Nick, which , in turn, her up mentally, to BONE This Guy . . .
. . . and That Guy . . .
And pretty much every other male guest star on this show . . .
. . . which is great for Jess . . .
But, perhaps, not so great for Nick . . .
Porn analogies aside, Nick’s conundrum actually prompts viewers to, once again, consider that age-old question: Can men and women (particularly single men and women) be friends, or will sexual tension and unrequited feelings of lust / love on the part of one or both of the parties inevitably taint the “purity” of the platonic relationship?
In the case of Jess and Nick, the question was . . . at least for the time being . . . decided in the affirmative. With the help of some super sexy squabbling . . .
. . . a not-particularly-easy-to-assemble piece of furniture from IKEA . . .
. . . and a rocking Nick Miller mix tape that contained the SHEER AWESOMENESS that is This Song . . .
. . . our two adorkable loft mates ultimately concluded that, provided that they set some boundaries in their relationship (NO MORE FLUFFING!), Jess and Nick could, and should, remain friends, despite the fact that they both
constantly dream about f*&king one another senseless . . .
. . . admit to being more than a little bit attracted to one another . . .
Of course, the question remains: How long can these two keep up the pretense of platonic friendship, before their baser instincts take over, and good ole horny human nature is allowed to run its course?
Because if Harry and Sally are any indication it could take them anywhere from two days . . .
. . . to TWELVE YEARS . . .
Of course, Nick and Jess weren’t the only TV characters suffering from the slings and
blue balls arrows of friendship-without-the-benefits this week. Get a load of Mulan . . .
Talk about a hardcore fluffer! I mean, this chick spent 28 years helping the guy she was head over heels in love with slay dragons and conquer evil, just so that she could watch him wake up his narcoleptic girlfriend, and engage in some nauseatingly overzealous PDA with her . .
Then, as if that wasn’t bad enough, this happened . . .
Let that be a lesson to you unrequited lusters out there! If you happen to be one of those people who’s secretly in love with your best friend, you MUST tell him (or her) how you feel, ASAP. I mean, sure, it might ruin your friendship. But, hey, you never know when a Dementor from the Harry Potter movies is going to come and eat the face off of the maybe-love of your life, thereby ruining every chance you ever had at happiness . . . FOREVER!
Of course, Mulan wasn’t the only TV warrior princess forced to “fluff” from the sidelines this week, while someone else reaped her sexual rewards . . . Care for a little Revenge with your emotional fluffery? I thought you might . . .
You’ve met Emily Thorne, right? You know, the girl who’s real name is actually Amanda Clarke. But she is pretending to be Emily Thorne, in order to wreak vengeance upon the Evil Rich People who played a role in the untimely death of her father, David Clarke?
And if you’ve met Emily, then you’ve probably also met Faux-Manda, the girl who switched identities with the real Amanda Clarke, in juvie, and did a brief stint as a murderess stripper . . .
. . . before totally Single White Female-ing Emily / Amanda, i.e. stealing her wholesome bartender boyfriend right out from under her, by pretending that she’s actually Amanda Clarke . . .the chick he hung out with back when he was eight.
. . . because that’s not creepy at all . . .
It gets worse. Not only did Faux-Manda steal Jack, the Blue Collar Bundle of Beer-Stained Joy, right out from under Real-Manda / Faux Emily (F-emily?) ‘s nose, she also somehow managed to convince him that she’s carrying his floppy haired, future bar mop- slinging spawn.
Insert coin, eject Meal Ticket . . .
So, while our hero, Emily is busy cooking Bartender Dude dinner, giving him longing looks across the beach, and helping him bury his dead dog . . .
R.I.P. Sammy, the almost, but not quite, immortal dog . . .
Faux-Manda gets to bump uglies with him on a regular basis, dance on top of his bar, sleep in his bed, and carry what might very well be (though we are still doubtful) his toastie townie bun in her oven. Talk about UNFAIR!
This, of course, raises another rather interesting question about the duties unrequited lovers have toward the objects of their affection. Is it slightly out of line / a wee-bit opportunistic to tell your pal / wanna-be lover that his or her current significant other is a lowlife / skank?
On one hand, this might be overstepping your bounds as “friend / fluffer.” Plus, there’s always the chance that your buddy crush might get offended by your accusations, and end up, as they say, shooting the messenger.
And, if you happen to be Emily Thorne, there’s that whole “that b*tch can totally blow my cover / ruin my REVENGE” thing with which to contend as well . . .
And yet, lets not forget the possibility that, if we don’t speak out, our loved ones might very well end up gettin their FACES SUCKED OFF off by the Dementor from Harry Potter . . .
Now, she tells me!
So, yeah, love can be tough. And being a fluffer can be even tougher. But rest assured, unrequited lovers, sometimes the nice guy and girl really do get to finish first.
Harry and Sally, Pacey and Joey, Seth and Summer . . . they all eventually got their happy ending. Your time will come too, you Fluffer Nutter, you!
Because even if the girl or guy of your dreams is currently involved with someone else, there’s always the chance that they could break up . . . which brings me to this week’s episode of Glee . . .
But that, my friends, is a story for another post . . .
Until next time . . .