Game of Thrones is back, Bitches! It’s Season 5. All the major players in the race to the Iron Throne have already been introduced. And I only had to check the Wiki ten times to confirm the names of characters, instead of my usual 27, so progress, for me, anyway!
Like most premiere GOT episodes, “The Wars to Come” was less about big battle scenes, shocking beheadings, scandalous sex, and unintentionally humorous toilet bowl murders, and more about reintroducing and reconfiguring all the human chess pieces in this increasingly complicated, but thrilling, quest for World Domination.
Let’s review, shall we?
Once Upon a Time There Lived a Girl Who Was Kind of a Bitch . . . – Starring Flashback!Cersei and Unnamed Friend
Saucy Cersei and her handmaiden travel deep in the forest and come upon a witch. Cersei is disappointed she isn’t uglier and only has two eyes instead of three. The witch seductively licks young Cersei’s blooded finger, upon the young girl’s demand to hear her future.
“Everyone wants to know their future, until they know their future,” the witch says wryly, offering the young royal three questions to sate her curiosity.
Like any pretty pretty princess, bratty Cersei wants to know if she will marry a prince and become Queen. Fortunately, the witch has watched the first four seasons of Game of Thrones on HBO, and has all the answers Cersei is seeking.
“Yes, you will marry a king,” the witch says.
Cersei is pleased. Because even saucy little girls still believe in fairytales. And she feels like she’s just been granted her happily ever after. She is not yet old enough to realize that being happy and being powerful can, at times, be mutually exclusive.
“Will we have children?” Cersei questions on.
That’s question two.
“The king will have twenty children, and but you will have only three,” the witch pronounces.
“But that doesn’t make sense,” whines young Cersei.
Oh to be young, dumb and innocent without access to HBO . . .
“Cold will be their crowns . . . cold as shrouds,” prophesizes the witch.
Then we hear cackling as we fade back into present day. Hmmmm . . . wonder what the third question would be? I’m thinking it might be something about when Botox will be invented. A Queen always does need to look her best, and her stiffest, after all . . .
Meanwhile, back in present day . . .
Another Day, Another Family Member’s Corpse on top of which to Possibly Become Impregnated – Starring Cersei and Jamie
We all remember that controversial scene from last season, where Jamie kind of / sort of/ definitely did rape his sister Cersei literally on top of their incestuous son Little Shit Joffrey’s bulbous poisoned purple corpse.
Well, this season finds ole Cersei and Jamie communing over a casket once again, their father’s. Same room. Same creepy fake eyes over his real dead eyes. Only this time, the two have enough sense to keep their clothes on. So it’s much more PG, and much less like that “No means no” video on rape and sexual harassment you watched in your high school health class.
Cersei blames Jamie for indirectly killing their father, by freeing their brother Tyrion from captivity . . thereby allowing the latter to gouge out their father’s innards, as he relieved his bowels on the toilet, while taking a brief potty break from porking Tyrion’s love interest, Shae.
Well, if there’s one way to keep a man from getting randy, it’s by accusing him of murder and of being mildly mentally retarded. Way to go Cersei! If everyone spoke to their lovers like you do, we wouldn’t need those pesky condoms anymore.
I am the man in the box . . . – Starring Varys and Tyrion
Speaking of talk about bodily functions, this scene opens with a very graphic description, courtesy of Tyrion, of how one survives for days traveling from Kings Landing to Pentos inside a box with holes in it. Apparently, you just push your poop out of the holes and wait for someone (Varys) to retrieve them.
This is not the Tyrion of Season 1 and Season 2. The one that was jolly, hilarious, and all around friggin awesome. This Tyrion has a big ole face beard, and excels at precisely three things: box pooping, drinking, and feeling sorry for himself.
“The future is shit just like the past,” says Tyrion.
You can say that again, Tyrion!
A Hot Black Guy with No Balls Enters a Brothel . . . – Starring a Guy with No Balls
Did you hear the one about the guy with no balls, who goes into a brothel, just to get a little wholesome spooning and a nice lullaby?
Well, apparently he gets murdered by a guy in a mask from the orgy scene in the movie Eyes Wide Shut.
I think there was supposed to be a punchline in there somewhere, but apparently I missed it.
When Dany mother of dragons hears what happened to her ballless acquaintance, she views it as a sign of revolt from the good people of Mereen. She wants the peerless scarred buried publicly and with honor.
Missandei, Dany’s closest advisor, hears the awful story about the dead no-balls hot guy, and it somehow makes her confused / jealous. Women . . . am I right? She quickly asks her new beau, Grey worm, why a man unable to get an erection could possibly want to go to a whore house, if he can’t, you know, sample the merchandise?
Some folks just like to torture themselves, I guess . . . like former alcoholics who work in bars, blind folks who work in museums, and people who didn’t manage to find the leaked episodes of Game of Thrones who went on Tumblr and Twitter today . . .
Grey Worm doesn’t provide Missandei with this response, of course, knowing instinctively, that, when it comes to the people you sleep with, sometimes the best answer to dangerous questions like these is no answer at all.
Creepy Melissandre is creepy – Starring Jon Snow and Co. on the Wall
Some time has passed since last season, and it seems Gilly has seamlessly adapted to the role of Samwell Tarly’s nagging wife. “Why don’t you earn to fight like these men? Don’t let the bad wilding hating man send us away! Why do you always insist on leaving the toilet seat up when you go to the bathroom, but never change the toilet paper roll when it’s empty.”
Meanwhile, Jon Snow is meeting Lady in Red, Melissandre, for the first time. “Hi nice to meet you, I’m the lady that once gave birth to an evil black monster that killed Renly Baratheon. Are you, by chance a virgin?” She asks.
Not one for small talk, is she?
Jon admits that, unlike the unfortunate unsullied from earlier, he has, in fact sampled the merchandise of that adorable wilding ginger Ygritte.
Jon Snow used to “know nothing.” But, apparently, not anymore.
Melissandre seems ridiculously thrilled to hear this information, which would make me seriously worried, if I was Jon Snow. Usually witches only cast spells using virgin sacrifices, but it seems like our Lady in Red is quite willing to make an exception for this hot piece of man meat.
After completely creeping out Jon Snow, Melissandre takes him to meet her current bed friend, Lord Stannis. Grumpy Stannis has a proposition for his younger, hotter new pal. He knows that Jon has sympathies for the wildings, based on his Season 3 time as an undercover Wildling, and his ill-fated relationship with Ygritte. He also knows that he has some sway over their fearless leader, Mance Rayder.
Grumpy Stannis entreats Jon to convince the Wildlings, through Mance to fight alongside of Grumpy Stannis and help him to win the iron throne, in exchange for their freedom from further persecution by . . . . well, anyone who isn’t a Wilding, I guess. He tells Jon that he has until nightfall to convince the leader to bend the knee or, he dies.
Sir Robin of Wimpyness –Starring Dark!Sansa and Littlefinger
For no other reason, I suspect, then to suggest the possibility of a positively ridiculous spinoff show, we learn that Dark!Sansa and Littlefinger, before jetting off on their journey toward World Domination, have smartly ditched the brat with an unhealthy love for his mother and for throwing people out the moon door, by dropping him off at a Sword Fighting School?
“He wields a sword like a girl with palsy,” says his would-be teacher.
Well, that wasn’t very nice. I’m sure some girls with palsy are really quite good with swords, when given the opportunity to practice . . .
Just like with Tyrion before her, it becomes quickly apparent that this isn’t your Older Sister’s Sansa Stark. Seasons 1 through 4’s Sansa was shy, quiet, meek, aggressively polite, and, at times, honestly, seemed a bit daft.
Dark!Sansa has a deeper, raspier voice, as if she spent the entire hiatus smoking two packs of cigarettes a day, and an icy cold mirthless demeanor that would give even the Icy Queen herself, Cersei Lannister some pause. I guess this is what happens when you get a Littlefinger in you . . . 😉
Speaking of Cersei, Sansa and Little Finger are apparently traveling to a place where the evil the evil wench can’t find them. Disney World, perhaps?
Drinking the Kool Aid – Cersei and Lansel
Cersei’s cousin, Lancel, is so traumatized by his memories of sex with Cersei, that he shaves his head, dons a monk’s outfit, and joins over a religious cult known as the Faith of the Seven. This only proves that porking Cersei Lannister can only lead to the loss of things, like your hand, your bowels, your life, and your mind.
Her vajayjay is clearly poisonous.
Loras Tyrell – Loser at Life, Stallion in the Bedroom –Starring Loras, Margaery and Loras’ boy toy whose name I can’t remember
This scene is wholly not important, except that it contains the only consummated sex act of the episode between Loras and his beau. Margaery interrupts the pair and is totally cool with it. Margaery is just a pretty cool person all around . . . you know . . . except for the whole marrying and seducing ten-year olds thing . . .
As Loras lounges nude in bed, post coitus, he casually discusses with Margaery their mutual bugaboo, Cersei, who is still sort of kind of betrothed to Loras. Loras posits that a marriage to him will get Cersei out of Kings Landing, and, thereby, out of Margaery’s hair for good. “Sure,” Margaery considers. “Then again, so will murdering her like my grandma murdered that little shit, Joffrey.”
Though, she says all this in a much more classy way than I could ever say it.
Margaery Tyrell . . . classiest pedophile ever.
In which Varys convinces Tyrion to join Team Mother of Dragons – Starring Tyrion and Varys again
Twenty minutes have passed, and Tyrion is still moaning and feeling sorry for himself. Hey, Tyrion, the death of Shae and Poop Murder of your father was so last season. Get over it.
Just kidding. It’s kind of sucked to be Tyrion, since sometime back in season two.
Varys makes it his personal mission to cheer up Tyrion, and get his ass back into slightly less inebriated fighting mode. He majorly talks up Dany as the new would-be, benevolent, but strong and firm, ruler of the iron throne. Varys hopes sincerely that Tyrion will meet with Dany and join the cause to help her rise to be queen over all those other assholes currently jockeying for the position. Tyrion agrees to take the trip, but only if he can get wasted on the way there. Fair enough, Tyrion. You’ve earned your drunk today.
Are you the Mother of Dragons or the Mother of Bitches? – Dany and Daario
The former rulers of Mereen, are willing to concede to the whole “no more slaves” thing, if they can reopen the fighting pits and watch all the people who used to wipe their butts beat the ever loving shit out of one another.
Dany is hesitant to accept this compromises, as she sees reopening the fighting pits as akin to the slavery she just abolished. Later Dany pillow talks about her quandary with her new beau, Daario. There are definitely too many people with weird, hard to spell, sound alike names beginning with “D,” “M,” and “J” on this show. (It’s a good thing that “Dany” and I are on a nickname basis. She calls me Jewls, in case you were curious.)
Daario thinks Dany should reopen the pits. He recalls that learning to fight professionally gave his life purpose. Maybe it could do the same thing for some of these newly free weinerless folks. Dany wonders whether, by reopening the pits, she would be forsaking the very same people she had sworn to protect.
“You are not the mother of unsullied, you are the mother of dragons,” Daario replies.
He’s pretty suave, that Daario. No wonder he is the main love interest on every single cable show in existence right now
Speaking of the dragons, at least the two she didn’t set free, they are kind of pissed at her, for the whole locking them in the dungeon thing, and breathe fire at her, when she goes to visit them.
Teenagers. Can’t live with them, and apparently, it’s illegal to decapitate them . . .
Burning Man Festival – Wilding Edition – Starring Jon Snow and Mance Rader
As he promised to Stannis, Jon approaches Mance about joining the former’s army as being a better deal than, you know, being publicly burned alive and stuff. Mance admits that being burned to death in front of his followers would be a little painful and embarrassing. So much screaming like a girl, so much charred Mance bits flying at the crowd. But still, he has pride in himself and in his people, and isn’t willing to bargain away their freedom even if it means saving his own ass from becoming a meal at the local steakhouse.
“The freedom to make my own mistakes was all I ever wanted,” Mance states solemnly.
He and Dany must have gotten the same fortune cookie on their last trip to the Chinese restaurant.
Later that night, as promised, Mance refuses to bend the knee to Stannis, and waits on the pyre to be burned in front of a throng of well and not-so-well wishers at an impromptu Burning Man festival on the wall.
But then, just as the flames start to licks Mance’s tatas, Jon Snow mercifully shoots an arrow at his heart, and kills him, before he has the chance to scream like a little girl.
The whole looking like a meal at the steakhouse part, though, that just couldn’t be helped, unfortunately.
And that was episode one of Game of Thrones in a nutshell. Toodles!
What we got was one lowly kill, of a character who’s claim to fame was literally being a Creepy Mama’s Boy. Also, dude couldn’t fight worth a sh*t. (Let’s face it, my grandma would have put up more of a fight than Finn did.) Then again, in his defense, if you had spent the last 900 years napping, you’d probably be a bit off your game too.
. . . oldest trick in the book . . . And yet, I manage to fall for it Every Single Time.
Shame on me.
Petty frustrations aside, there WAS definitely some fun to be had during “The Murder of One.” For starters, we were treated to a rather clever twist on the concept of “Vampire Family.” (So, which Original do you think sired Rose?)
In related news, our Scooby Gang reached new levels of stupidity, when it willing ARMED the serial killer . . . again. (They really would have been better off hiding the stake in the soapdish . . .)
So, stroke . . . er . . . I mean sharpen your woody . . . and chain up your half-naked pet vampire. Because it’s time for another TVD-cap . . .
(As always, special thanks to my expert screencapper, Andre for the filled with awesomesauce screencaps you see here.)
“Shhh . . . be very, very quiet. We’re hunting Originals.”
“Elena, please stop hounding me for sex. You are starting to sound a little desperate.”
Truth be told, Damon is acting a little cagey, when Elena pops by the site of Alaric’s “house arrest,” to drop off the latter’s Breakfast of Psycho Killer Champions. The dark-haired vampire seems unusually eager for the love of his life to leave. In fact, he pretty blatantly rebuffs her attempts to cross the threshhold into the apartment.
(And we all know how much Damon and Elena generally enjoy their bedroom rendezvous.)
Something is definitely UP, but what could it be?
Perhaps, Bad!Alaric has gone on a rampage, and destroyed the house? Or, maybe the two bromantic buddies are having a dance-off. Maybe, Damon and Alaric are watching a Lifetime movie together. And they have just reached the part where Tori Spelling finally escapes her wife beating-shrew of a husband, and finds her way into the waiting arms of the mildly attractive B-list actor, who loved her all along . . .
“Funny . . . I always thought the most dangerous weapon in the world was in my pants . . .”
It isn’t until after Damon closes the door in Elena’s face, that we find out what he’s really hiding . . . It’s his morning wood . . .-en stakes, that is. That’s right, boys and girls! It turns out that Psycho Killer Alaric Saltzman is a whiz with a buzz saw! (Take that, crazy family from The Texas Chainsaw Massacre.)
And Damon? Well, he can whittle like nobody’s business! Their Herculean efforts (combined with Stefan’s griping and complaining about his wood not being sufficiently erect) turn an old lame wooden bridge sign, into no less than TWELVE lean, mean, Originals- killing machines . . . (Though part of me thinks they could have had more, if they made them a little smaller. Silly men – always so preoccupied with the size of their sticks . . .)
Then, because five whole minutes have passed in the episode without anyone having done anything stupid, Damon and Stefan convince Psycho!Alaric to not only NOT turn himself in to the cops, but also to wear his “Jamaican Me Crazy” ring, for sh*ts and giggles. Then . . . they actually GIVE this lunatic a stake!!! Can you believe it?
Speaking of Psycho!Alaric, Elena tells Caroline that she should TOTALLY forgive him for murdering her father. After all, it’s not his fault that he has REALLY bad taste in jewelry!
“It could be worse, he could have a Jamaican Me Crazy Nipple Ring . . .”
Just like it’s not Caroline’s fault that she used to sometimes drink her favorite B Positive Blood from peoples’ necks, instead of using a straw, like the rest of us . . .
After all, everybody knows that if Elena chose to turn her back on her friends and lovers JUST because they were serial killers, she wouldn’t have any friends at all! (Plus, she’d pretty much never, ever get laid.)
Caroline is super impressed by Elena’s Mother Theresa-esque attitude toward supernatural murderers. So, she vows to be more tolerant of her father’s stake-wielding, cold blooded killer, in the future. All together now: Awwwww!
As it turns out, Elena and Caroline aren’t just frolicking in the woods for their health. They have a date with destiny! Stefan has gathered the entire Scooby Gang . . . and Matt . . . in order to indoctrinate them into Team Kill Originals.
“No, Damon! Everytime you make us play shirts versus skins, Vampire Killers, you always make us be skins. It’s not fair!”
“I can take off my pants, if that helps. (I’m not wearing any underwear.)”
And why shouldn’t everyone get to play? There are plenty of stakes to go around! Plus, since Mommy Original Witch’s spell has succesfully linked the family’s lives together, all the group needs to do is manage to kill ONE Original, and the rest of them will die shortly thereafter.
Now, surely, this stalwart crew of monsters, murderers and . . Matt . . . can manage to kill one measley vampire, right?
Well . . .
On one hand, I adored the lighthearted nature of this “training” scene. I smirked when Elena got to “roleplay” Klaus. And I smiled again, when Caroline, (a.k.a. Klaus Bait) got to roleplay Rebekah. My only gripe with this scene was that I thought there should have been a whole lot less planning, and a whole lot more . . . STABBING of things. Just sayin.’
Little does the Scooby Gang know that an Originals-Killing opportunity is closer at hand, than they think. As it turns out, The World’s Most Self-Loathing Vampire (though, it could be argued that his vampire-eating, father hated himself more), did not actually leave town, as initially suspected. In fact, he’s wandering around the Mystic Falls’ town square, RIGHT NOW. It is here, where brother and sister dearest, Klaus and Rebekah corner him, and drag him back to their family lair.
“Check out those pects! Have you been working out?”
But Klaus and Rebekah are no dummies. They know, full well, that they can catch more flies with honey, than with Finn-egar. (See what I did there?) Knowing that Finn will not guard his life, to save his own siblings, they opt to offer him another reason to live . . . a.k.a. his lover girl, Sage . . . the boxing mind raper. (Well, we all know who wore the pants in THAT relationship.)
Personally, my impression of Finn has always been that the only woman he’s ever dreamed about being horizontal with, is the one who breast fed him. But hey, at least cares enough about Sage to put off whacking himself, long enough to accompany her to the Only Bar / Social Establishment in Mystic Falls for some bottom shelf tequila. Ahhh, true love!
“He always shouted out, ‘Mommy,’ whenever we had sex. I thought it was a cute pet name . . . until that time, when his mother tried to climb into bed with us . . .”
Well, hello, there, Bondage Damon!
Back at La Casa de Rich and Awesome, Damon and Alaric (Wait . . . they are letting the Psycho Killer out of the house now? What happened to house arrest?) . . .
Then again, maybe some fresh air wouldn’t hurt . . .
. . . are busy hiding their Originals-killing stakes. When Damon decides to hide his in the fire kindling, Alaric hilariously reminds him of the “Moonstone in the Soapdish” incident. Crazy Train is right, Damon.
Hiding valuable objects in plain sight might not be the best idea, in this instance. . .
Unfortunately, Damon is about to have bigger problems than merely choosing a poor hiding place for his surrogate weiner. Suddenly, Alaric has been knocked out cold, by an unseen force.
Alaric: “I’ve fallen and I can’t get up.”
Alaric’s alter ego: “Suck it up, loser! We’ve got people to kill!”
Next thing you know, Damon is being staked in the gut, to the point of unconsciousness. “Hello, lover,” coos Rebekah, as she drags her “ex boyfriend” out of the house. Well, that’s one way to let a guy know you are interested . . .
Sometime during the commercial break, Rebekah, the sadist – who was none too happy to learn that Damon had used her body for sex, and then mind-raped her too boot (I don’t know, sounds like a pretty great time to me) has taken the opportunity to chain Damon to her ceiling.
Now, that’s a lot of heavy hardware to have just “lying around” your new mansion. In fact, it made me wonder where one goes to purchase such a contraption. (Something tells me an S&M sex shop wouldn’t do particularly good business in an old-fashioned town, like Mystic Falls. Then again, considering about ¾ of the people we’ve met who live there are bloodthirsty vampires, witches, and werewolves, perhaps some intrepid entrepreneur capitalized on what he saw as a good business opportunity.)
Question, fangbangers: Does the fact that I was turned on by the sight of an open-shirted Damon chained to the ceiling make me a bad person? I strongly suspect that it does. Then again, unless this is the first recap of mine that you are reading, you probably already knew I was a bad person, anyway, and have decided to withhold judgment against me for it. So, thank you for that.
You know what’s nifty about the Salvatores? (Yes, I just used the word “nifty.” 1954 has been calling me ever since I typed it, asking that I return the word to its proper decade.) They even bleed pretty. Back in “As I Lay Dying” the makeup department did a pretty awesome job of making the gorgeous Ian Somerhalder genuinely look like a sickly vampire, mere moments away from suffering the True Death.
But this time, Bondage Damon just looked like a gogo dancer at an S&M themed strip joint . . . one who’d been splattered with red body paint to accentuate his perfectly muscled abs.
Klaus must have noticed this too. Upon seeing Damon Salvatore, The Extra Large Christmas Tree Ornament Version, he suggested that Rebekah HANG HIM UPSIDE DOWN. Now, that is something I would have liked to have seen! (I suspect Ian and his agents would likely have disagreed to that though.) The implied method to Klaus’ awesomeness madness is that an upside down Damon can be bled for vervain much faster than one that is right side up, which would make him a quicker candidate for compulsion.
Rebekah balked at the idea . . . not necessarily because it was a bad one . . . but, more so because it was Klaus’ idea. And Rebekah can torture her ex boyfriends just fine, without his help, thank you very much. Also, I suspect, based that Rebekah was much more interested in torturing Damon and making him bleed, than actually . . . oh, I don’t know . . . making him do something useful for the Original’s cause. Such motivation (or lack thereof) is kind of consistent with who Rebekah is as a character, I think. She’s never really been one to concern herself with mundane things like “goals, plans, and . . . logic.”
In other words, it’s all “id” all the time, for this chick . . .
Mystic Falls, we have a problem . . .
Unlike Bonnie, who never seems to pick up her cell phone, or return anyone’s calls (It looks like someone got a bad cell phone plan at Witchmart), Damon is usually rather chatty.
So, when Alaric has no clue where Damon has gone, and the latter is not answering his phone, Stefan knows that something is drastically wrong. He tells Elena to hold off on staking Finn in the town square, because the Team is in trouble.
Upon hearing about that Damon might have been captured by the enemy, Elena immediately campaigns for a rescue mission. “Please Stefan,” she says “Rescue your brother, because I strongly suspect he is half naked, and, back when you were chained to a ceiling half-naked by older vampires, he dropped everything to go out in the rain and rescue you. Also, I’m in love with the guy, and would very much like to bone him” Elena says (more or less).
Stefan replies, “Meh, maybe later. Killing Originals is wayyyy more important than my brother’s life. He’ll understand” (failing to realize, of course, that because Damon has been captured BY AN ORIGINAL, this would be an excellent opportunity to kill two birds with one stake.)”
Elena pouts in frustration. But will she defy her exes instrustions to rescue his brother? Only time will tell . . .
Damn you, promo makers. DAMN YOU!
Rebekah may not be her brother’s equal, when it comes to Concocting Plans of World Domination / Vampire vervain draining, but she can definitely hold her own, when it comes to psychological torture. Later on in the episode, we see a fully drained and rather pale Damon, still chained alone in the grand hall area, when a “mysterious female figure” approaches him. It’s “Elena.” “Elena” looks at Damon with obvious concern, as he weakly motions for her to free him from his chains.
“If you wanted to be kinky, Damon, a pair of fuzzy handcuffs would have been much cheaper.”
Damon’s body collapses into Elena’s, as the two stumble dramatically toward the exit, calling to mind a similar situation that occurred back in “As I Laying Dying.” But Damon is too weak from loss of blood, and he falls to the floor, zapped of strength. “I’m not leaving you,” Elena says heroically, cupping her lover’s face in her hands, as she offers him her wrist. “Drink, she says.”
And drink he does. It’s so sweet and erotic, that you really can’t blame the pair for wanting to make out, afterwards, despite the fact that they are minutes away from being discovered and killed by ORIGINAL VAMPIRES. (What can you do? The tongue wants what it wants.)
Then, Damon awakens to a triumphant looking Rebekah, who clearly planned the entire hallucination.
Well . . . that BITES! I throw my shoe at the television, in disgust . . .
Between a Rock and a Klaus Place
Damon may not be having the best day, but it might give him comfort to know he isn’t the only Team Scooby, who’s stuck being an Original’s b*tch, this week. Klaus has Bonnie, who he has been holding under duress to perform the spell that will unlink the Original siblings lives. When Bonnie claims not to know any such spell, Klaus threatens Jeremy’s life (via Kol, who’s secretly watching the future serial killer), and the life of her errant mother.
This recap has been brought to you by Apple iPhone . . .
Suddenly, Bonnie’s memory returns to her. (It’s a miracle!) She mumbles a bit over the blood of the Originals, and it starts to escape in separate directions. And, just like that, the spell has been completed. Well, that was easy . . .
How many friggin candles does this chick have? Seriously, she must light about 30 in every episode. And they are always these boring white ones too. A little color wouldn’t hurt, ya know?
On the way out of Klaus House, Bonnie catches sight of Bondage Damon, and opts to leave him there rotting, when Klaus reminds her of what he did to her sorry excuse for a mother.
Clearly, someone hasn’t been attending the Elena Gilbert School of Supernatural Forgiveness. Once Bonnie is outside the house, she calls Elena to let her know that Klaus still has her lover boy.
After that, the stresses of the day overtake Bonnie, and she cries until snot pours out of her nose . . . literally. I guess this means that snot and tears are the new nosebleed. Look on the bright side Bonnie, it will save you a lot of money on dry cleaning. And hey, life could be worse: SOMEONE COULD HAVE LEFT YOU CHAINED TO THE CEILING, HALF NAKED, AND ON THE VERGE OF DEATH!
The Wild and Wacky World of Vampire Genetics
It’s too bad the Scooby Gang doesn’t watch The Vampire Diaries. If they did, they would have known about the whole separation spell having already been completed. It would have saved them a stake . . .
Over at The Only Bar / Social Establishment in Mystic Falls, lovebirds, Sage and Finn, are enjoying shots of tequila. Apparently, the 1,000ish year old Finn was a “tequila virgin,” up until this point. (Yikes. What a way to live! No wonder he was always wanting to die!)
“The more of these I drink, the more you look like my mother.”
A few shots later, Finn has decided to save his own life . . . which, of course, means he’s about to get shanked . . . That’s just how this show works. But before Finn can be killed, we have to endure a discussion between Finn and Sage about how many people they’ve each turned. Finn seems to suggest he turned ONLY Sage, and did so out of loooooooove.
Sage, on the other hand, was a vampire-turning slut, converting humans left and right, whenever the mood hit her. She even recently turned some dude in the bar, on the way to the bathroom . . .
With the help of Plot Device Matt, Stefan slips some vervain into Sage’s and Finn’s tequila. When they go outside to investigate. Stefan stakes Finn, and he goes kablooey. Sage cries, and snots, like Bonnie did earlier.
“Listen honey, I know you’re hot for me, but this is just ridiculous.”
And Stefan leaves, triumphant, thinking he’s just killed Klaus. Sucks to be him . . . But hey, it could be worse, he could be CHAINED TO THE CEILING HALF NAKED . . . or . . . even worse than that . . . he could be Finn . . .
“One tequila, two tequila, three tequila . . . floor.”
Who will save YOUR soul?
When Stefan learns from Elena, via Bonnie, that Klaus is not-so-much-dead, he’s furious, and finally ready to retrieve his brother, so that he can personally kill Klaus. (Well, it’s about damn time!) Shortly thereafter, Sage arrives to avenge her loverboy Finn’s death, along with that random vampire she turned in the bar. Fortunately, for Stefan, the pair start coughing up blood, and die, before they can do any real damage.
This looks like the before picture in a Botox commercial.
Maybe she died of a broken heart, mused Caroline “B Positive” Forbes, who was there for moral support. Nahh, if vampires could die of a broken heart, all the vampires on this show would have been dead a long time ago . . .
Eventually, Elena and Caroline figure out the “loophole” to their little plan. Apparently, when an Original dies, he takes his entire bloodline along with him. Well, hello BIG TWIST!
Of course, this means that ONE of the Original’s holds the key to the Salvatore Brothers’ and Caroline’s mortality. After all, these three vampires come from the same “bloodline.” Damon’s blood turned Caroline. Katherine’s blood turned Stefan and Damon. And Rose’s blood turned Katherine.
The question is . . . which Original turned Rose? Because that’s the one our Scooby Gang can’t kill. Personally, my money’s on Elijah, the Original, who’s continued existence for all eternity is the least likely to have a negative impact on the Salvatore Brother’s lives. (If you recall, both Rose and Trevor were working for Elijah, during their first appearance on the show.) This also gives Daniel Gillies, a “get back on the show” free card for the rest of the program’s run, which makes me very happy.
In other news, Tyler clearly comes from Klaus’ bloodline, which kinda sucks for Caroline, who’s pretty much destined to lose two love interests in a single episode. But hey, at least she’s not CHAINED TO A CEILING, HALF NAKED. 🙂 Sorry, I couldn’t resist.
Meanwhile, over at Klaus House, Stefan comes to rescue Damon. “This went much differently in my head,” the Elder Salvatore brother jokes.
It went differently in my head too . . .
Stefan admits to killing Finn, and offers to make a deal with the Devil. Eight Original Killing Stakes in exchange for Damon. (Sounds like a good deal to me!)
But Klaus is smarter than I am, and knows there must be more than eight stakes left over. So, he evilly compels Damon to try to break free from his chains, causing the poor guy excruciating pain . . . scratch that . . . MORE excruciating pain.
Someone needs a nap . . .
It really has not been a good episode for Damon. Has it? He then compels Damon to tell him the actual number of stakes remaining, which, as we know, is eleven (since the stake in Finn is gone, gone, gone).
Interestingly enough, it’s actually scorned lady Rebekah, who ultimately shows Damon mercy, offering up Damon’s freedom as a sign of good faith, while Stefan retrieves the remaining stakes, and brings them back to Klaus. Drats, foiled again, Scooby Gang. But hey, look on the bright side, Klaus might end up being your “daddy,” and then you’ll be glad you didn’t kill him / commit suicide.
In the aftermath of this twist of fate in Kill Klaus games, Rebekah balks at Klaus’ complete inability to mourn his brother’s passing. Klaus calls Finn pathetic, and better off dead. (Well, we certainly won’t be having HIM speak at the funeral.) Rebekah notes sadly that, for all their manipulations the Salvatore brothers are willing to risk their lives for one another, whereas the Mikaelsons only seem to give two craps about one another, when they are magically linked.
Klaus pouts, promising Rebekah that he will make his own family, who are magically inclined to love him, no matter how many people he kills, or cheesy horse pictures he draws. That’s the spirit Klaus! Everyone knows there’s no better friend than a love slave . . .
Speaking of love slaves, Stefan’s kind of bummed that he can no longer focus all his life energy on killing Klaus, anymore. This means, he’ll have to finally cope with what a douchenozzle he’s been to everybody this season. That makes Stefan sad.
Stefan is also finally going to have to cope with the consequences of his recent actions . . . and one consequence in particular . . . the fact that his departure paved the way for Elena to fall in love with Damon.
“Look me in the eye and tell me that you don’t feel something for him,” says Stefan solemnly to his lady love.
Elena claims she doesn’t know what she feels. But everyone else in Mystic Falls does . . .
Bad!Alaric strikes again.
Earlier on in the episode, Caroline had an awkward, “It’s OK that you killed my dad,” conversation with Alaric, who was supposedly “cured” from being a serial killer by some of Bonnie’s magic “Serial Killer Be Gone” soup.
“It’s OK, Alaric. My father will always live on in my memories. We shared so many good times together.”
During that conversation she talked about the folks that she killed, back when she first turned vamp . . . like that random high school kid Connor, and her mom’s police boy partner . . . “We all have blood on our hands,” Caroline mused. sympathetically.
“Was it as good for you, as it was for me?”
But Alaric’s got bigger problems now than “blood on his hands.” He’s also still got psychopath on the BRAIN. (Bonnie Soup = FAIL!) Alaric comes to THIS painful realization, when Damon comes to collect his Originals killing stake, and Alaric learns that he’s stolen it . . . from himself. (Don’t you just hate it when that happens?)
Maybe it’s hidden in your Chunky Monkey.
Two weeks from now, on TVD, Elena will finally admit her feelings for Damon on a Vampire Road Trup. Then, the two will share a bed together, and have “finger sex.” *sigh*
[Note: The recap for “Murder of One is on it’s way! Be sure to check back for it, within the next 24 hours. It should be available no later than early Saturday morning, March 31. Thanks for your patience!]
Hey there, Fangbangers! This week on TVD, Alaric hopped aboard the Crazy Train. Both Damon and Rebekah learned the hard way why you should never let a 900-year old vampire touch your . . . head . . . in bed. Bonnie rejoined the I Have Sh*tty Parents Club, membership: every single character on this show. Stefan moved one step closer to becoming a “Social Drinker.” And Elena . . . did a lot of pouting? So, choke down a nice tall glass of “B Positive,” because it’s time for another TVD-cap . . .
Don’t you just hate it, when you are getting an MRI, and the mirror image above your head starts TOTALLY eye-f*cking you . . . but you can’t look away, because the technician running the machine told you not to move? Alaric can relate . . .
While Alaric is busy being hit on by his Psycho Killer alter ego, Elena wonders out loud how Crazy Nanny Carrie / Meredith figured out that Alaric’s predilection for Man Jewelry was turning him evil. (“Is there like a course for that in med school?”) Meredith claims she learned this information from an old childhood story, regarding her ancestors. “Fells are notorious busy bodies,” she jokes lamely . . . which, if you think about it, is exactly what got Vampire Journalist Logan Fell killed . . . and is probably what will ultimately kill Meredith/ Crazy Nanny Carrie. (You know the famous saying, “Curiosity killed the Fell!”)
The CAT scan comes out normal, thereby proving that Alaric’s “Bad Seed” problem is a purely supernatural one. It’s time to ditch the Man Jewelry, I guess! Alaric gives the odious ring to Elena. (Somewhere off screen, that Smeagol guy from Lord of the Rings, looks on with lust.)
“Don’t worry, Alaric! Smeagol will take that Man Jewelry off your hands . . .”
Then, Damon magically appears to collect Alaric, and continue his three-season long foreplay with Elena. Remember last week, when Elena caught the Salvatores chowing down at the “All Blonde Chick Buffet?” Well, apparently, so does Elena. And she uses it as the perfect opportunity to get under Damon’s skin . . .
Apparently, Elena doesn’t think Damon is the best “Role Model,” when it comes to healthy neck eating habits. All these different women! Poor Steffie will get indigestion! Instead, Elena suggests the “All Elena’s Arm” starvation diet . . . you know, because that worked SO WELL, last time . . .
Damon decides to lay down the law with Elena . . .
“Hey! What’s wrong with puppies aside from the fact that Stefan used to eat them?”
Deep down, both Damon and Elena know that, when it comes to Stefan, neither total abstinence, nor little nips of Doppelganger flesh, are long-term solutions to Stefan’s century long problem. He needs yummy bags of Soccer Mom . . . and the occasional cute college co-ed! He needs to go back to his vampire roots. And most importantly, Stefan needs to learn a little self-control . . . which might have the unintended consequence of making him better in bed . . . not as good as Damon, of course. But better . . .
Over at the Bennett Farm, Caroline is taking on the role of Nu-Stefan, in an attempt to make Abby a slightly less crappy vampire than she is a mother to Bonnie. Truth be told, there probably isn’t enough “B positive” in the world, to make Mama Bennett smile . . . especially now that she can’t flirt with and fondle the local plant life, anymore . . .
I guess Mystic Falls has finally decided to fix that ole’ bridge everybody is always falling off, and drowning. (Good for them!) Damon offers to take Alaric and his new girlfriend, Dr. Secret Psycho, there for some fresh air. You know, because there’s nothing like spending time on a Man-Made Death Trap to make a Supernaturally-Made Death Trap feel less alone in the world.
“I feel so personally connected to this bridge. I bet it’s killed a lot of Founder’s Council Members over the years too. Good work, brother!”
Mama Lockwood, who has no idea she’s talking to a serial killer of FOUNDER’S COUNCIL members takes this opportunity to bug Alaric about his forgetting to bring by some old sign, in honor of the re-opening of the bridge. (Believe it or not, this detail will actually be important later.)
“I’m sorry, Mama Lockwood, I’ve been kind of busy carving all your friends up like the big fat Thanksgiving turkeys they are it just slipped my mind.” replies Alaric politely.
Shortly thereafter, Alaric and Crazy Nanny Carrie exit stage left, allowing Damon some alone time with His Women.
“Ladies, ladies. There is no need to fight. My manhood is big enough for both of you . . . and Elena.”
After doing a little flirtatious sleuthing, Damon quickly surmises the reason for both of his lady friends’ sudden reappearances on the bridge. Rebekah has been looking into some random tree, though Damon is not quite sure why. As for Sage, she’s apparently been pining for that Death Wish-Having, Mama’s Boy Finn for the 900-years, since he turned her, and was hoping he’d stop by. (Well, at least now we know why she and Damon get along so well! And here, I thought it was just about the amazing sex.)
Primed for a little lady fighting, Sage offers to help Damon figure out what exactly it is that Rebekah is hiding from him. All he has to do is turn on the charm, a little bit, and get her to pop by La Casa de Rich and Awesome for some Sexy Times. Sage knows full well, that no woman in her right mind would ever refuse an invitation to Damon’s Bed of Champions . . .
Elena has conveniently invited herself into La Casa de Rich and Awesome because she heard about Damon and the threesome. Supposedly, she’s come to check out a book from Salvatore Library on her batsh*t crazy ancestor, Samantha. She finds Stefan in the living room, drinking blood of course. (This guy is clearly an emotional binge eater . . . How does he never get bloated? I mean, I know he’s dead and all, but you have to wonder sometimes, where it all goes.)
Damn you, and your super fast vampire metabolism. DAMN YOU!
Knowing how much his girlfriend hates to read (I mean, let’s face it, girlfriend hasn’t set foot in a classroom in about six months.), Stefan chivalrously offers to give Elena the Cliff Notes version of that Big Bad Book she’s cradling in her arms. Long story, short: her ancestor chopped her head open with a knitting needle, and bled to death in the loony bin. (OK, who the heck gave the INSANE SERIAL KILLER a knitting needle? Someone needs to put a dollar in the Moron Jar, stat.)
Ever the Bastion of Positivity, Stefan concludes his story, by giving it a “feel good” moral: “P.S. Alaric’s probably going to end up attempting to crochet an afghan with his brain too. And there’s basically nothing you can do about it. Thanks for playing! Better luck next time.”
(In my next life, I would like to be The Guy Who Covers Ian Somerhalder’s Weiner with Bits of Fabric to Appease the Censors. That guy always seems to be one sneeze away from a Wardrobe Malfunction.)
When Damon arrives home from his Double Date at Death Bridge, Stefan is FUMING MAD . . .
*insert snarling and growling noises here*
“How dare you tell Elena I’m a vampire who drinks human blood . . . oh wait . . . she already knew that . . . I mean, how dare you . . . um . . . talk to Elena without my permission. YEAH! That’s it! Not cool, brother,” gripes Stefan.
Under normal circumstances, Damon would LOVE to continue another round of the Saga of Stefan and Elena, but he has brains to manipulate, and ladies to screw. And he’s not about to let his little brother cockblock his CWTV-approved Porn Star Moment.
So, instead, Damon simply offers Stefan a few, Vampire Pride Maxims, for inspiration (“We’re here. We’re bloodsuckers. Get used to it!”), and heads off to the bathroom to shower himself in Axe Body Spray . . .
Sage arrives at the party first. Her housewarming gift is a piano player, who bares a suspicious resemblance to Finn. (I guess Sage has a “type.”)
“Mommy and I used to play the piano together all the time. But she always insisted on sitting on my lap, when we did it. I never understood why . . .”
There’s a rule on this show, that states that all piano players must get mauled by vampires. And this one is no exception. Sage wastes no time at all chomping on her Finn Doppelganger, while Damon looks on, eager for the REAL party to get started. And then, it does . . .
Like Sage, Rebekah also has not come to the party empty-handed. She brings over her personal catnip . . . booze, stolen from some Queen . . . somewhere.
Have I mentioned yet today, how much I love the rampant alcoholism on this show?
OK, enough of this lame piano music. Let’s crank up The Kills on that iPod and DANCE! (Because we all know how much Damon loves to dance!)
Never one to want anyone to feel left out of the party, Damon struts over to Rebekah, and her two left feet, who is busy nursing her bottle of booze and looking forlorn. The pair share a little piano player snack, and then it’s time for Damon to REALLY turn on the Salvatore charm . . .
Normally, I would take this opportunity to chastise Boozy Rebekah for being so easily manipulated by Damon’s transparent and superficial attempts at seduction. But when Damon whispered, “I want you,” in Rebekah’s ear, I looked down at the floor, and found my panties around my ankles . . . and HE WASN’T EVEN TALKING TO ME!
The man is a genius . . .
So, of course they have to cut out the BEST scene, and skip to the post-coital bedroom cuddle . . .
Fortunately, the magic of gif-making allows us to improvise what likely happened between these two, while the cameras were otherwise occupied . . .
Then, Sage crawls into bed with Damon and the sleeping Beks, and I’m thinking, “It’s PARTY TIME!”
But then, Sage just fondles Rebekah’s forehead for about two seconds, and walks away . . .
OK, here is where I call “B.S.” Since when do vampires have Forehead Fondling Mind-Reading powers? Oh, that’s right . . . they don’t. Otherwise, Klaus wouldn’t have spent the entire summer ignorant to the fact that Elena wasn’t dead, and Stefan wasn’t really his best friend / minion / willing sex slave . . .
Nope . . . forehead fondling as a form of communication sounds a lot more like something a WITCH would do. In fact, it looked a heck of a lot like what Bonnie was doing with that plant, toward the beginning of the episode. (It’s also very similar to what she did to Luka, back in Season 2). And yet, we’ve just been told that witches lose their powers, immediately upon being turned into vampires. So, even if Sage WAS a witch in her former life, there’s a good chance she would have lost her ability to forehead fondle, the minute she sucked on Finn’s bloody teets.
For now, I’m willing to give the writers the benefit of the doubt. But if Sage has some magical powers that even the oldest, most powerful vampires in the world don’t possess, I’m hoping to get some sort of explanation as to why that is the case. Just saying . . .
Ooooh, but wait! We aren’t done with sexy times yet. It’s time for the post-sex shower. And we all know how much Damon loves getting all wet and soapy . . .
This time though, it appears our shower is built for TWO. (All that forehead fondling, must have gotten Sage’s fingers sweaty.)
P.S. Sage apparently has other magical powers, in addition to random dancing, piano player eating, tag team showering, and mind reading. Now, she’s fondling Damon’s forehead, and GIVING him Rebekah’s memories. OK, now I’m starting to get scared. If her head starts spinning around, and green stuff comes spewing out of her mouth, I’m calling the exorcist . . .
Damon, of course, seems completely unperturbed by this odd turn of events. In fact, he’s kind of thrilled . . . After all, now he knows there’s still a tree out there that could Klaus et al.
Damon doesn’t even bother getting dressed, before he makes another trip to the trusty Salvatore library. (Wearing clothes is SOOO 19th century.) Please let the towel fall down . . . please let the towel fall down . . .
Sure enough, he figures out what many of us TVD fans have long suspected . . . . the Wickory Bridge is made almost entirely of White Oak. In other words, Death Trap Bridge doesn’t just kill Founder’s Council Members like Alaric, it also kills ORIGINALS! Time to burn the evidence!
Sage reappears, during all this, and makes Damon promise not to use the knowledge she gave him to kill her long lost lame lover, Finn. Damon agrees, crossing his fingers behind his back . . . since he knows, thanks to the spell binding all the Originals together . . . once he stakes Klaus . . .
“Mmm . . . Surrogate Son tastes yummy!”
Something tells me New Guy Jamie is going to fit right in on the cast of The Vampire Diaries . . . at least, until they inevitably whack him, probably about three or four episodes from now
Coincidentally, I also think she will fit in as Bonnie’s new love incest. It’s not incest. They promise us it’s not incest, even though they sort-of/kind of have the same crappy mom. After all, we all know how much Bonnie adores those former child stars, who went on to develop biceps . . .
(New Guy Jamie is the Non-Puppet one, just in case you were confused . . .)
The last time we saw Jamie, he was busy being compelled, and trying to bust a cap in Stefan’s ass . . . now he’s chopping wood (because that’s not at all a metaphor for anything sexual, now, is it?) Caroline stalks outside to yell at Jamie for not being nicer to his new vampire mother. She forces him to come inside and be civil. Let the eye f*&king with Bonnie ensue. Then, Mama Bennett proceeds to EAT HIS NECK. Yeah, that’s what you get for listening to Caroline, Jamie. Eventually, you’ll learn . . .
“How was I supposed to know that Jamie had ‘B Positive, blood!“
Fortunately, Jamie doesn’t . . . you know . . . die, or anything. But that doesn’t stop Mama Bennett from sneaking out, while the kiddies aren’t home, despite Caroline’s protestations. I’m really sorry that your Mom totally sucks, Bonnie. (In more ways than one.) But hey, look on the bright side, considering how rarely you get your own story line, it will probably be at least three seasons, before we find out your father is just as bad . . .
In other news, Bonnie has decided to forgive Elena, and perform the spell that will magically cure Alaric of his Crazy. (Man, if this were real it would put pharmaceutical companies, insane asylums and therapists out of business. Witches are BAD for the economy. . .) She tells Elena to get something from Alaric’s house that he had before he started wearing his Jamaican Me Crazy Ring.
“Does the bottle of scotch, I had permanently attached to my lips count?”
Back at the Gilbert house, after receiving the password to all of Alaric’s bank accounts (It’s “vampire slayer,” just in case you’re interested in performing a little identity theft, after reading this recap), Elena offers to head back to Alaric’s apartment to pick up the jewelry item. Meredith all-too-eagerly agrees offers to stay alone with Alaric, while the latter looks. (Girlfriend must be really hard-up for sex, if she’s willing to risk being bludgeoned to death for it.) Ruh-roh!
“Do you feel remorse? Because you should!’
“Geez, Elena. You’re a pig. When’s the last time you cleaned your bathroom counters, Season 1?”
Over at Alaric’s apartment, Elena finds Stefan . . . lurking (because that’s not weird . . . at all). He agrees to help her search for Alaric’s wedding ring. While the two are in the apartment, Elena and Stefan find all these creepy pictures of Alaric’s victims (even a picture of himself . . . not sure how he managed that.)
“Automatic timer on his camera?”
There’s also a big packet of information on the Founder’s Council, which Alaric was apparently preparing to send to . . . wait for it . . . Jeremy?!!!
On top of the packet is a letter to Jeremy, instructing him on precisely how to “cleanse the Founder’s council,” using the ring that will “make him strong.”
I have to say, I was skeptical at first, but I really like the way the writers are handling this serial killer story line. Initially, when I first learned that it was “the ring” making Alaric crazy, I thought that they would use this as a way of completely freeing Alaric of liability for his own actions.
But what’s interesting about Alaric’s psychosis is that he doesn’t seem “psychotic” in the way Samantha Gilbert was described. Nope. This is a sociopath, pure and simple . . . a guy with a clear motive . . . one that “sane” Alaric wouldn’t necessarily disagree with: to rid the Founder’s Council of it’s inherent hypocrisy, when it comes to protecting the townspeople from vampires (though their methods of coping with it, might be different). Bad!Alaric’s moves, up to this point, from attacking himself, to provide himself with an alibi . . . to studying up on the Founder’s Council . . . to exploiting the fact that the ring is likely having the same effect on Jeremy’s mental state, over in Vermont, have been kind of creepily brilliant.
The other thing we learn from this little excursion is that Samantha Gilbert also killed folks in the mental institution, long after she stopped wearing the ring. Having come to the realization that Alaric is still very much a danger to Crazy Nanny Carrie, Stefan and Elena rush back to the Gilbert house . . . though it may be too late . . .
Back at the Gilbert house, Alaric awakens from his little nappy, with a bad case of the Crazy Eyes . . .
“Here’s looking at you, Crazy Nanny Carrie.”
As we learned this week, even on his “good, non-possessed days,” Alaric was no stranger to violence. In fact, one of his favorite past times was beating up on asshats for fun. So, you could imagine how terrifying he is now that he “has the ring to make him psycho strong.”
At first, Bad!Alaric plays it cool . . . making casual conversation with Sitting Duck Meredith, as he plays with her blood syringes. But things start to get creepy, when he not-so-casually asks Meredith if she feels remorse about her seemingly hypocritical stance on vampires. (i.e. Good for Doctor Business . . . Bad for the Town.) His words remind me a bit of when Alaric bullied himself onto the Founder’s Council, by arguing that everyone else in the group was in love with or related to a supernatural creature. (Man, how long has this sh*t been going on?)
With all pretenses of sanity dropped, Alaric can now chase Meredith, like the psycho self he’s been . . . at least for the last fifteen minutes. As for Meredith, she can make the classic Damsel in Distress Horror movie mistake of running upstairs, when she could just as easily have ran out the door screaming, “HELP, MY RING POSSESSED BOYFRIEND IS TRYING TO KILL ME, BECAUSE I ONLY PRETEND TO HATE VAMPIRES. IS THERE A WITCH IN THE HOUSE?”
In Meredith’s defense, she’s impressively handy with a scissor . . .
By the time Stefan and Elena return to the Gilbert house (That was kind of slow! What? Stefan can’t fly? Vampire FAIL!), Alaric is already calmly and creepily grinning at them by the door. “Meredith is currently dying on your toilet, Elena. Sweet DREAMS! got an emergency call, and had to go back to the hospital,” he fibs.
Elena gets Bad!Alaric out of the house, by claiming she wasn’t able to find his ring. Once he’s gone, Stefan turns to Elena, his eyes wide with anticipation, his nostrils flared like a pig poised a mud bath. He has a little favor to ask of his ex girlfriend.
If Elena thinks she’s being propositioned for Ex Sex, she’s sorely mistaken. Stefan literally smells blood. And it isn’t long before the pair find it’s source . . . it’s Meredith . . . in the bathroom . . . with the steak knife. Cue Stefan’s vamp face . . .
. . . the latter did a little spell, and served the Chunky Monkey some of her magical, “Don’t be a sociopath, anymore” salad. Then Damon knocked the guy out, and took him to some remote loft, where he could . . . you know . . . not kill people, and stuff . . .
Speaking of Dormant Serial Killers, Elena called Jeremy, who I am now officially worried about . . . or, rather, I’m worried for the good people of Vermont, who he has taken to calling his “friends.” (Why do I have this feeling that Jeremy’s “friends” are a bunch of decapitated rotting corpses, he hides in his closet, and plays chess with when he’s bored.)
Of course, Elena doesn’t do anything practical . . . like tell Jeremy to take off the ring . . . or to be on the lookout for a care package of “Don’t be a sociopath anymore” herbs. Instead, she just pouts and stares off into space . . . Way to be a hero, Elena . . .
Never trust a woman who’s always fondling your forehead. Damon finds out Sage betrayed him, when he sees Rebekah burning down the Wickory Bridge. It turns out Rebekah’s head wasn’t the only one Sage shrunk, during last night’s sex sandwich escapades. Sage absolutely refuses to believe Damon’s claims of Finn’s suicidal nature. She honestly thinks that, once united, the two will live happily ever after . . . along with his mother . . . who will probably sleep in bed with them for all eternity.
Sage may think she’s saved her lover boy’s life, by betraying Damon, and teaming up with the scheming Rebekah. But she hasn’t. It turns out there’s one piece of Wickory Bridge White Oak the twosome failed to burn . . . (Remember what I said about the sign being important?)
Greetings, Fangbangers! It was Original versus Salvatores versus Witches, this week on TVD. And though the various sides were fighting with one another for any number of reasons: love, honor, retribution, redemption, natural balance intestinal regularity, freedom, etc. . . . at the heart of it all, was one girl. She was the trophy . . . the badge of honor . . . the prize at the bottom of the cereal box. And that girl, of course, was . . . Elena Gilbert. Isn’ it always?
So make yourself a salt pentagram, douse yourself in gasoline, and throw some horse pictures in the fire, because it’s time for another installment of The Save Elena Games TVD-cap . . .
The episode begins with a sexually frustrated Elena waking up alone in bed, her arms drawn tightly around a certain teddy bear. Hmmm . . . that teddy bear looks very familiar. Where have I seen it before?
Ahhh . . . it’s all starting to come together now. 😉 Having not had anyone declare their love for her in the past six hours, Elena is feeling mighty lonely. And so she calls her men for a little love and affection.
“Worship at my altar, vampire b*tches!’
Stefan is too busy writing in his diary to pick up his phone. And while Damon does pickup Elena’s tenth call of the night (Oh sweetie! We all know you love him, but you should really try playing a little harder to get. ;)), he only does it, so that he can tell her he’s “over it,” and hang up on her ass.
“No more phone sex for you, Buster! (At least not until the next time I get drunk.)”
Now . . . this wouldn’t have anything to do with that little “your love for me is a liability” comment Elena made last night, does it Damon?
Nahh . . . I didn’t think so . . .
Tired of not being totally and completely doted on by her Salvatore boy toys, Elena stomps over to La Casa de Rich and Awesome, only to be greeted by a mostly naked Damon Salvatore (yay) . . . and guest (boo).
“Oh hey, Elena! You’ve met my good friend, Jealousy, right?”
Count on Elena to give Damon a self-righteous lecture for his extra-curricular activities. She even goes as far as to ask whether her lover has been compelled to sleep around. Far from being angry, Damon looks rather pleased with himself. And why shouldn’t he be? After all, Elena is clearly falling right into his little love trap. Come to think of it, he should have done this a long time ago . . .
But this little morning meeting is about more than sexual politics, Elena wants to fill Damon in on Mommy Witch’s plan to murder the entire Original Brood. Elena thinks this is a problem, mainly because of the awesomeness that is Original Elijah.
She also conjectures that Damon, having had a taste of the forbidden fruit that is Rebekah, might actually give a flying fig whether she lives or dies. As it turns out? Not so much . .
“There’s more where she came from!”
You know who else has tasted Rebekah, but doesn’t seem to care about her continued existence on Planet Elena? Stefan.
(Poor girl . . . she’s had thousands of years on Earth to practice. And still, her sex skills are apparently not up to snuff.)
At least you’ll always have eachother . . . *clears throat*
The younger Salvatore Brother appears, seemingly out of nowhere, to join Damon’s chorus of “Just let the Originals die, already.”
Outnumbered and outwitted, a pouty Elena stomps off, now even more sexually frustrated than ever . . .
As for Damon, he’s ready to offer his brother a bromantic high five for a job very well done. “I like you on my team,” he say congenially.
But Stefan’s never been much of a “Team Player.” It simply isn’t in his broody, loner, eternally angsty nature. So, instead of high fiving, Baby Salvatore just stares longingly at Damon’s blood cup, like he want to make out with it, and snidely echos Klaus’ sentiments that Elena would be much better off without both of them.
(Truth be told, I think Elena’s Teddy Bear would strongly disagree with this statement. Thanks to the state in which our Salvatore Brothers left Elena the night before, it is now pregnant.)
Aside from wishing to live out the rest of his life as a celibate bunny muncher, Stefan is also concerned that Elena’s conscience will get the best of her, and cause her to eff up Mama Original’s kiddie killing plan.
What? Elena? Ruin plans? NEVER!
Our brother the martyr . . . Our sister the strumpet . . .
Meanwhile, Rebekah and her sex hair have returned to the still-frighteningly unfurnished Originals house. So, of course, every sibling wishes for a chance to get a dig in at her expense. Kol, gets the first shot in, by very eloquently calling his sister a strumpet. To this Rebekah responds that she wishes to systematically remove his teeth from his mouth . . . which, in Original Vampire world, is likely a form of foreplay.
Jealous that Rebekah is getting sex with someone other than him and he isn’t, Kol commandeers Klaus to go with him to the Only Bar / Social Establishment in Mystic Falls, in hopes that he can remedy his little problem . . .
Klaus agrees, because . . . hey . . .why continue to draw pictures of Caroline with a horse, when, instead, you can ride her, like a philly? But, of course, Kol isn’t quite done with Rebekah yet. He still has THIS to say . . .
I’ve gotta say, I’m loving this guy’s sense of humor. TVD writers, please somehow insert a scene into the show in which vampire comedians Kol and Damon face off against one another with a delicious round of “Yo Mama” jokes . . . 😉
With Kol and Klaus out of the house, Elijah confides in Rebekah that their mother has been acting weirder than usual . . . Some of the weird things she’s been doing include conducting privacy spells in the house, and looking at her children, as if she wishes to chop off their heads and wear them as hats. Rebekah sees nothing at all strange about this. Then again, she’s probably still too busy nursing her war-torn vajayjay to worry about much of anything.
Besides Rebekah wasn’t the one who had to suffer Elena lying to her face. (At least, when Elena screwed over Rebekah, she did it in her back.) So, Elijah decides to pay his pretty little liars a visit . . .
Tales of a Vampire Gigolo
Elena has invited Bonnie and Caroline over to listen to her b*tch about Damon having sex with other women. You know, because his love for her is such a liability, and all . . . Well played, Damon. When it comes to turning on the object of your affection, screwing Rebekah seems to have been your most effective manuever since Miss Mystic Falls. You can almost hear her panties falling, throughout the episode . . .
Bonnie tries to conduct Mama Original’s privacy spell. But clearly, she isn’t working hard enough at it because (1) it isn’t working; and (2) her nose isn’t bleeding.
Then, Elena finally manages to stop drooling over Damon long enough to hear about Bonnie’s and her mom’s little pact with the Original Witch to kill all her kids that very night. Ruh-roh! Talk about burying the lead!
Both Bonnie and Caroline don’t seem to think it’s Elena’s fault that Elijah will be included in this bloodbath. I disagree. And then, like magic, the gentleman vampire himself appears at Elena’s front door . . .
“Are you there, Elena? It’s me, Elijah!”
Ever the romantic, Elijah decides to take Elena for a little trip down memory lane. (Silly Elijah, doesn’t he realize the way to get into Elena’s pants is by sleeping with his sister?) As they travel through forests, trees, and various grassy knolls, Elijah is able to recount, from memory, all the things that used to exist in that very spot, once upon a time. They stop at an opening to a cavern, which apparently has an intricate network of tunnels that run directly below Mystic Falls . . . in other words, the Perfect Makeout Spot.
This is where Elijah chooses to drop the bomb on Elena that he knew she was lying about Mama Original’s motives all along, due to her telltale rapid heartbeat. But, of course, Elijah being Elijah even manages to make this accusation sound like a compliment, by peppering it with phrases like, “I admire you.” and ‘You have compassion.” and “It is not in your nature to be deceitful.”
“That’s not going to work!”
It works like a charm!
The next thing you know, Elena is a blubbering, quivering mass of puddy in Elijah’s hands. She confesses everything. “I just wish there was something I could do,” Elena whines.
“Be careful what you wish for,” replies Elijah, before literally stamping out the ground beneath him, hugging Elena toward him, and traveling through the floor with her Reverse Superman Style.
One word: HOT!
The battle lines are drawn
While Elena tries in vain to get cell phone receptions, Damon calls Alchy-ric, who likely hasn’t left his seat at the Only Bar / Social Establishment in Mystic Falls, since last week, when he got out of the hospital, after that whole “death” thing. He’s with Crazy Nanny Carrie, who never seems to mind that the only thing these two ever do on dates is get wasted. (Clearly, she’s just as big of an alcoholic as he is . . . perhaps, intoxication helps dull the crazy.)
The Bromantic Buddies exchange some much-deserved barbs with one another. Alaric gives Damon a “hard” time about his Originals Sex, which, of course Elena told him about, because she tells Daddy everything. 😉
Damon, in turn, notes that Alaric is still screwing a psychopath serial killer. (Given what happens at the end of the episode, Damon probably should have been a bit more concerned about that.) Of course, the Elder Salvatore Brother has bigger fish to fry, at this point. His lady love is missing. And Damon rightly suspects that foul play was involved.
Meanwhile, Bonnie and Abby have kept their date to meet with Mama Original, who’s just filled with syrupy compliments for the two witches who both almost maimed members of her family. She also shares a bunch of hippy dippy philosophies about “restoring the balance of nature,” by using the direct descendants of Esther’s former bestie, Ayanna. Through it all, Mommy’s golden child Finn continues to stare at the witches, as if they are lunch. It’s all highly unpleasant. But after last week, the Bennetts are so happy to have an actual plotline in this episode, that they keep their mouths shut.
“Just nod and smile, baby. Just nod and smile.”
Underground, Elena runs into Rebekah, who’s still rocking a major grudge, as a result of the whole “backstabbing” thing. What’s nice about Rebekah is that she seems to be the only individual on the show, who’s completely immune to Elena’s charms. After chasing her around the cavern, roughing her up a bit, and forcing her to make a humiliating “ransom video” on her cell phone (But how did she get reception?), Rebekah kindly explains to her captive, Elijah’s diabolical plan for her. The plan? Rebekah gets to murder Elena, if the Salvatores don’t find a way to stop the Originals from dying.
Over at La Casa de Rich and Awesome, Elijah explains the same thing to Stefan and Damon, who seem reluctantly amenable to Elijah’s requests. Anything for Elena! (Man, how many times has THIS happpened! For folks who claim to want Klaus dead, the Salvatore brothers sure seem to like saving his life, a lot!)
Back in the tunnel, just to prove that she means business, Rebekah actually douses Elena with gasoline, when the latter holes herself up in a vampire-free section of the cavern. Hurry up, Salvatores! Or else, Baked Elena might end up on the dessert menu at the next Originals Family Ball!
Speaking of balls . . .
The Original Hybrid Pickup Artist
The plan of the day is to play “divide and conquer” with the Originals, so a non-vampire can dagger one. Each participating Scooby Gang member gets a mark. Caroline, of course, gets Klaus. But Kol clearly likes her too , and chooses to show it with construction worker-type cat calls. Though, I guess the words “She looks tasty,” have different connotations depending on whether a construction worker, or an original vampire are uttering them.
Either way, Klaus isn’t cool with Kol leering at his Vampire Barbie. “Say another word, and I’ll take your liver,” Klaus threatens.
First his teeth, now his liver. I’m starting to think Kol is that guy laying on the operating table in the game “Operation.” Everybody just takes what they want from him. (Personally, I’d go for the eyes and the lips.)
This is Kol . . .
When Caroline gives chase, Klaus runs after her gamely. *insert whipping sound*
But just because Caroline needs to keep Kol from Klaus, doesn’t mean she’s going to go easy on her mark. In fact, when asked about her “hopes and dreams” (oh, Klaus, you really have been a bit out of practice, haven’t you?), she says this:
Back in the bar, Kol is busy trying to make it on top of the pool table with Crazy Nanny Carrie. (Kol, here’s a hint for you . . . some meals are just not worth tasting.) So, busy, in fact that he barely sees Alaric come at him with the white oak dagger in the Only Bar / Social Establishment in Mystic Falls. It’s like a game of Clue!
All around Mystic Falls, Originals begin to drop undead . . . except for Klaus . . . who just gets a stomach ache. But I guess that kind of makes sense, since he’s the only Original who, as a result of his hybrid status, is immune to the white oak dagger. Klaus’ Spidey Sibling Sense immediately tells him that Kol is hurt. So, he abandons that Jezebel Siren Caroline, and rushes to intercept and de-dagger Kol, who’s currently being dragged away by Alaric and the Salvatores . . . though, honestly, I’m not sure they were all needed for this part of the plan.
A scuffle ensues, and Kol is destaked in the process, thereby reanimating the rest of the Originals. Alaric doesn’t fair quite as well, suffering a cracked rib, and major blow to the head. He probably would have gotten much worse. But Elijah has appeared to put an end to the fighting, and get everyone focused on the plan at hand. i.e. “Stop Mommy Dearest, from eliminating us permanently, or Rebekah will have a lesbianic underground interlude with painfully disembowl Elena.
The Salvatore Brothers know exactly what they have to do . . .
Heads I win, Tails Bonnie loses . . .
Over in witchland, Mommy Original has fashioned a pretty little flaming pentagram out of salt. The idea is for Finn to die in the middle of it, while all the witches chant, and permanently erase the rest of the Originals. (Honestly, I think it might all be for theatrics, especially considering how seemingly easy it was to “stake” all the Originals by staking Kol.) Anywhoo, after a brief hiccup caused by Finn “acting” momentarily staked, the Dead Originals show is once again on . . .
Outside the festivities, Stefan and Damon are discussing how much they both love Elena, and are fighting over which one of them will “stop the spell” by “breaking the Original Witches’ connection to the Bennett line, by “breaking one of the Bennetts.” Neither one wants to do it.
But only because it would piss off Elena, and possibly, temporarily make her love the killer less, not because they give two flying figs about the Bennetts. They actually do a coin toss to decide which brother will end up in the doghouse. We don’t get to see who wins . . . yet.
Elijah and Klaus arrive at the Salt Pentagram, so that Original Mother can tell them in person what abominations she thinks they really are . . . even Elijah, who’s a better vampire than most people are humans. But really, the Originals should be expecting this. After all, on this show, if you do have a parent, that’s a good indicator that he or she is probably going to try and kill you at least once. The best way to survive Mystic Falls is to be an orphan . . .like Elena . . . and the Salvatores. Which reminds me, have we met Alaric’s parents yet?
Inside the witch house, Stefan accosts a now-tearful Bonnie, coldly explaining to her what’s going to happen . . . and all for the love of Elena. But then, in a surprise move, Damon pops up, and vampirizes Abby, thereby breaking the Original Mother’s connection to the family line because . . . wait for it . . . witches can’t be vampires.
In a moment of unintentional hilarity, Original Mother instantly feels the witchy connection severing. “Don’t abandon me, sisters,” she yells.
Oh, silly Original Mother? Have you not by now realized that these witches are some fickle b*tches? I mean look at their track record: they supported Abby . . . they abandoned Abby . . . they supported Bonnie . . . they abandoned Bonnie . . . they tortured Damon . . . they stopped torturing Damon . . .they tortured Klaus . . . they stopped torturing Klaus . . . they hid the coffins . . . they made the coffins appear.
Anywhoo, both Finn and Original Mommy evaporate into thin air. But we know we’re not lucky enough for them to be actually dead, right?
The Aftermath . . .
Rebekah eventually lets hostage Elena free, but not before the two have a little heart-to-heart about how Rebekah is REALLY mad at her, because . . . wait for it . . . she hurt her feelings, by not really wanting to be her friend. (Because telling someone why they are mad at you isn’t patronizing at all!) Rebekah agrees though, (She is Klaus’ sister, in every sense of the term . . . and these two really do seem to have a soft spot for the ladies, and an almost desperate need for companionship. She also reminds Elena that Revenge is a decent show on ABC a dish best served cold. So, Elena can expect to get hers in small doses. How sweet!
Speaking of cold . . . shoulders, Elena goes to see Bonnie, and is sent away by Caroline, who rightly tells Elena, that it’s kind of her fault that Bonnie’s mom is a vampire. (Grams would have hated that!) And that Bonnie’s getting a little tired of playing the “Save Elena Games,” and ending up crying as a result. (However you might feel about Bonnie, Abby and forced vampirism, you have to admit, girlfriend has a point.)
Raise your hand if you’ve been personally victimized, in order for someone to save Elena Gilbert . . .
Elena leaves sobbing, and, on the other side of the door, Bonnie is sobbing too. Something tells me Damon going to be getting a lot of cell phone calls tonight. 😉
“What are you wearing?”
Meanwhile, back at La Casa de Rich and Awesome, Damon and Stefan have a heart-to-heart about Stefan returning to the bunny diet after that heinous Bridge Incident, and Damon taking the fall on the whole “kill Bennett” thing, despite having won the coin toss. There goes Damon again, doing the martyr thing, and all for his little brother’s love of Elena. On one hand, it’s frustrating . . . and a little annoying. On the other hand, Damon did say this “I’m better at being the bad guy.”
Now, with this, I agree. Once again, I’m brought back to Damon’s and Stefan’s conversation in “The Last Dance,” when, again Bonnie’s “life” and Elena’s psychological well being were sacrificed to save Elena from an Original. Back then, Damon told Stefan that he would be the one who kept her alive. And he was willing to play that role in her life, even if she ended up hating him in the process.
Somewhere along the line, Damon lost a bit of that edge. He just started to love Elena way too much for her to hate him in return. But I actually think it’s this so-called “bad Damon,” who Elena fell in love with, in the first place. And something tells me that, while Damon’s unquestioning support of Elena scared her away to some extent, his loving and protecting her from afar, while pretending not to care, will drive her right back into his eternally waiting arms . . .
At least, I hope so . . .
In other news, Elijah left town, leaving a Dear John-esque parting letter for Elena in his wake. Turns out, he wasn’t just blowing smoke up her ass, so that he can kidnap her. Elijah really does admire and envy Elena’s compassion. How adorable! Now, get the f*&k back to Mystic Falls, so that you can hit on, and sacrifice your life for Elena, just like everyone else . . .
Also, Klaus burned some pictures of Caroline and that horse. There were a SCARY amount of pictures, actually. So, is this the end of Klaroline? I’m thinking not . . . once again, giving a lady her space is the absolute best way to remind her of what she might be missing . . . even if what she’s missing just so happens to be a sociopathic vampire, with a bit of a stalking problem. 🙂 He’s still super pretty though!
Speaking of Klaus, Rebekah pops by to tell him that she’s been spending a lot of time reading cave paintings, and one of them told her that White Oak Ash trees still exist. This means the Originals lives are still at risk . . . a little factoid I’d be a bit more concerned about, if we hadn’t by now seen them all staked and de-staked, by white oak ash daggers, about 82 times a-piece, this season . . .
In our lame, predictable, disappointing Big Bad Cliffhanger, Alaric awakens in Crazy Nanny Carrie / Meredith’s messy house to find that the good doctor has been collecting evidence about the Mystic Falls Serial Killer, including one of the murder weapons. “You shouldn’t have seen that,” says Meredith . . . even though SHE KEPT IT COMPLETELY IN PLAIN SITE FOR HIM TO FIND.
Then she shoots him, which, I guess is supposed to make us think she’s the serial killer. But that would just be too easy. As for whether Alaric was wearing his ring, and whether it will actually work to bring him back to life, this time. That remains to be seen. But something tells me that our favorite History Teacher will live to drink and drunk dial, another day . . .
Unfortunately, that’s all the TVD she wrote, at least for another month-long-hiatus . . .
But hey, next week’s episode is a DAMON SALVATORE ORIGIN episode, which is as good a way to make up for lost time as any, right?
And until then . . . we’ll always have fanfiction, Fangbangers! . . . 😉
You are invited to dance with, screw, and possibly be murdered by some of the hottest vampires in Mystic Falls. R.S.V.P., A.S.A.P!
Howdy fangbangers! This week on TVD we had a BALL . . . multiple balls, in fact . . . depending on your definition of the term. 😉
It was also a very good week for dancing, shipping, and, of course, surprise “back door entrances.” So chug back a glass of Petrova Doppelganger blood, slip into your fanciest finery, and prepare for some “Dangerous Liaisons.”
My Knight and Shining Elijah
You’ve really gotta hand it to Kevin Williamson and Co. Somehow, they can take even the tiredest of TV and Movie tropes, and give them a fresh twist to make them seem new and interesting again. Case in point: you’ve probably all seen the “someone’s hiding in the backseat of your car” scene, about a few dozen times before tonight.
“Hey, would you mind lowering that axe, I can’t see out of my review mirror . . .”
And that’s precisely what I, and I suspect many of you, thought was coming, when the writers made a point of spending FIVE FULL MINUTES on Elena having a seemingly useless conversation with Matt outside the hospital, and SLOWLY getting her car ALONE, all the while, with the distinct feeling that SOMEONE WAS WATCHING HER.
What we didn’t expect was that the stalker in question wasn’t actually in Elena’s car, but rather, behind it, and then, subsequently, under it. That’s right, folks. Elena HIT and Ran Over her stalker. But when she emerged from the car to check out what had happened . . . wait for it . . . NO ONE WAS THERE . . .
Until SOMEONE HAD HER UP AGAINST THE WINDSHIELD OF A CAR . . . and not exactly in a hot, foreplay, way either . . .
. . . this might be the first time Elena knows something about the supernatural world, before Damon and Stefan do. It’s kind of cool to see her schooling them, like that. Damon, in particular, is annoyed that the Scooby Gang did all this work to open the Fourth Coffin, only to find that it’s contents were nothing more than a Family Reunion Party in a pretty little package . . .
After all, if all Mama Original plans to do with Klaus, is kiss and make up with him . . . well that’s really not going to help him DIE, now is it?
And yet, as those of us who have already watched the episode know, Damon’s view of the situation is a bit myopic . . . And I mean that in the nicest way possible, TV Boyfriend . . .
Knock, Knock . . . Who’s there? No one?
Apparently, despite being thousands of years old, the Original Family has still not outgrown the game: “ding, dong, ditch.” Elena finds an invitation to the Michaelson’s (that’s the Original Family’s name, BTW) Ball. (I guess Damon’s and Stefan’s got lost in the “ditch.”)
On the back of the invitation is a little love note from Esther Original. It says, “Come and play with me at the party. I promise I won’t send Ghost Vicki to burn you alive in your car again, like last time. LOL. XOXO – Esther.”
Or something like that . . .
Elena wants to attend the sitdown, suspecting that perhaps it might help in the whole “Kill Klaus” thing. Stefan seems to agree with her (either that, or he just thinks that agreeing with her will help him get into her pants faster). But Damon thinks it’s a terrible idea . . . probably because it is a terrible idea.
This isn’t the first time Elena has gotten involved with an Original, and Damon has disapproved . . . while Stefan sat back and watched, hands folded across his chest.
The difference, of course, is that back then, Stefan’s constant agreement with Elena, was his way of showing her love. Now, he’s agreeing with her to hide those same feelings.
“That’s your job,” Stefan says to Damon, regarding the responsibility of caring for Elena. This would be fine, if we DIDN’T just hear Stefan admit he was in love with Elena, last week.
Which version of Ripper Stefan are we going to get next week?
Make up your mind, Buddy!
At the end of the scene Damon promises to check out the whole Mommy Dearest thing for Elena. He assumes this means that he will get to go to the ball, while Cinderella Elena, and the trusty mouse that helps dress her (Stefan) will stay home. Silly Damon! What makes you think Elena would ever give up the opportunity to dance with you?
Meet the Michaelsons
In last week’s episode, all of the Original “kids” (if you can call them that), all seemed pretty united in kicking Klaus’ ass . . . both physically, and emotionally. But this week, we really got to see the various dynamics and alliances between them . . . For example, Kol seems to have an almost incestuous affection for his sister . . .
. . . has little love lost with his mother, and really, really, really does not get along with Klaus. (Now, we know why Klaus feared facing him alone.)
In some ways, Kol is scarier than Klaus, because he genuinely seems to lack anything resembling empathy . . . His only concern is himself (and maybe Rebekah). As for Klaus, as impulsive, calculating, and sometimes downright evil he can be, we all know that inside, he is made of mush, fatherly neglect, a need to be loved, and a deep, deep attraction to blonde baby vampires named Caroline . . .
Klaus’ mother, on the other hand, seems all goopy sweetness and light, which, at least on this show, makes her entirely suspect . . .
Speaking of suspect . . .
At Caroline’s house, we see her get a phone message from Tyler. This is actually Tyler’s only appearance in the entire episode . . . a disembodied voice in the iPhone. It’s sad, really. But I was glad that Tyler saw fit to call Caroline about her dad’s death, and that he’s trying to “cure” his sire bond for her. Caroline seemed touched as well.
. . . just not in the way he wanted to touch her, if you catch my drift.
Ding, Dong, Ditch, again! Like Elena, Caroline just landed herself an invitation to the Michaelson’s ball. But the little love note on the back of her card isn’t from Goopy Sweetness and Light, Esther. It’s from Klaus . . .
Did I mention he also bought her a dress? Oh Tyler. Get thee back to Mystic Falls pronto. Your hours and hours of sacrifice and excruciating pain are no match for the likes of Tiffany and Vera Wang . . .
Over at the Only Bar / Social Establishment in Mystic Falls, Elena and Caroline discuss the freaky weirdness that is the Michaelson’s ball. “It’s some freaky Cinderella fetish,” Caroline muses.
There is some discussion as to which Salvatore will be escorting Elena to the ball, since one of them recently lost his “feelings” chip, and the other one, MADE OUT WITH HER, LIKE A BAMF!
Yeah . . . apparently, Little Witch Bonnie is fairly lame, when it comes to the whole “secrets keeping” thing.
Caroline is more than a bit hurt that Elena didn’t tell her, herself, especially considering how quickly Elena told Caroline the first time she and Matt kissed. It’s funny how vampires and a supernatural lifestyle can mess with your priorities. Speaking of Matt, he actually seems to be the only one who actually gets his invitation to the ball handed to him, by Rebekah, no less . . .
Caroline and Elena look on with concern, and decide that they should attend the ball, after all, if only to prevent a guy they both dated, once upon a time, from being eaten . . .
Cinderella Fetishism at its Best . . .
It may be the Michaelson’s dance, but the place it’s held looks suspiciously like Tyler Lockwood’s house. Am I wrong? I guess it’s just easier to use and reuse this set, everytime Mystic Falls has one of it’s big fancy parties.
Also, the place is packed! What’s the population of Mystic Falls, anyway, especially considering that about three humans and three random supernatural characters seem to get killed here, at least once a week? I mean, if that’s not population control, I don’t know what is? Additionally . . . THEY ONLY HAVE ONE BAR / SOCIAL ESTABLISHMENT. . . New York City, it clearly, isn’t . . .
But i digress . . . Damon — who may or may not have gotten his own invitation — is flirting with Carol Lockwood, who claims she is playing nice with the vampire neighbors, in order to keep her town safe. Enter Kol, who, in about two minutes, manages to disarm Tyler’s mom, and brutally insult Damon, in one quick shot.
This town doesn’t have a prayer . . .
Generally speaking, our man Damon doesn’t take kindly to insults, particularly by vampires. But fortunately for Kol, Damon is a bit distracted by a recent occupant of the ballroom. It’s Elena. And between her curled hair, vampy makeup, and big poofy black sequined ball gown, she’s looking more than a bit Katherine-y. Damon most definitely approves . . .
I’ll never get over the way Damon looks at Elena, particularly when she’s dressed up. What girl wouldn’t want to be looked at that way, by the man of her dreams? And Elena gets to be looked at that way by two men?
After expressing annoyance with Elena for disregarding their wishes and attending the ball, both Damon and Stefan offer themselves up as her escort . . . one sexy suited vamp per arm. It just doesn’t get much better than that, folks . . .
While our main love triangle is already enjoying the festivities, Caroline is still at home, trying in vain to find something to wear to the party that isn’t the dress Klaus purchased for her. We know she owns at least other ballroom gown . . . the one she wore to the Miss Mystic Falls pageant. But it’s NO Klaus Gown, and Caroline knows it.
The box remains on her bed, taunting her . . . teasing her . . . “Wear me!” It says, in Klaus’ accent.
Caroline sighs, having no choice but to obey . . . blame it on the “sire dress” bond, or whatever . . .
Caroline seemingly arrives at the dance, about two seconds later. I’d say this was an editing problem. But vamps do have superhuman speed after all. One look at Klaus’ face, as he sees Caroline enter the room, clad in his dress AND his bracelet, and we know, for certain that the Big Bad Original Vamp isn’t the one holding the cards in this relationship. “Love is a vampire’s greatest weakness,” Klaus has been quoted as saying.
Finn pops by Elena to remind him that her invitation didn’t come with a “plus one,” and it certainly didn’t come with a “plus 2.” He reminds her that, if she wants to hang with the Original Witch, she’s going to have to go in there alone. Well, of course she does! The question is, will Damon let her . . .
Speaking of Damon, he finds Elena again, just as the Michaelsons request that their guests join them in a waltz.
Sly little doobie that he is, Damon manages to keep Elena from traipsing after the Original Mother by reminding her how orgasmic the pair can be on a dance floor. “It would be rude not to dance,” whispers Damon in her ear, as he delicately grabs hold of her arm.
And suddenly, it’s the Miss Mystic Falls pageant all over again . . .
“You look stunning, if it isn’t obvious,” says Damon, admiring his dance partner with a reverence and awe, bordering on religious.
When it comes to dancing, Damon and Elena possess a language that is all their own. It is in the way that they look at, and touch one another . . . and how they glide across a dance hall together, incredibly in sync, as if they are meant to be doing nothing else.
Stefan looks on with obvious jealousy. Well, well, well, look who decided to wear his emotions this week?
Speaking of Stefan, I thought it was interesting that he “cut in” at the dance, by twirling Elena toward him, since that’s precisely what Damon did to him, back in “The Last Dance.”
The parallel to that episode is quite fitting, when you think about how, back then, Damon accused Stefan of being too emotionally attached to Elena to make the hard decisions regarding Klaus’ death, and her safety. “I’m the one that’s going to keep her alive,” he said memorably.
Now, it’s Damon, playing the role of the emotionally attached, and Stefan, in the role of cold-hearted protector. It’s for this reason, at least partially, that Elena seeks a private audience with Stefan, whereas, at this time last year, she might have chosen Damon . . .
Her specific request is for Stefan to help Elena get in to Mama Original, without Damon following her, or trying to stop her. “You care more about boning killing Klaus than anything,” am I wrong? Elena inquires of her ex.
Stefan hesitates for a few moments, but ultimately agrees. At this point, both parties know that Stefan’s whole “I have no feelings” thing, is totally a charade, but they decide to go along with it, anyway. Elena muses that Stefan’s tendency to allow Elena make whatever stupid decision she’s decided to make for the week, without argument, is something she loved about him, while they were dating, and still loves now.
It would seem that Elena, like a certain Vampire Katherine, before her, prefers her boyfriends to be pliant and obedient . . . Go figure!
Meanwhile, Klaus and Caroline are doing their own little flirtatious waltz. Though our first official introduction to this duo, was the whole “arm sucking / life saving” thing, this is the first time we’ve really had the opportunity to see these two interact on a sort-of even playing field.
It’s fun to see how disarmed Klaus is by Caroline. He’s in total wooing mode, and not quite sure how to handle her wariness, or feistiness. This is a woman he can’t control through fear. And while he could theoretically compel her (assuming she’ not on vervain), that wouldn’t be nearly as much fun, as what he’s doing now . . .
Speaking of Caroline’s wariness, and feistiness, this is really the first time we’ve seen a woman interact with Klaus who isn’t deathly afraid of him. (Though some might argue, she probably should be . . . she most of all.) Elena, Bonnie, Katherine, even Klaus’ own sister, to some extent, all treated the Original Hybrid with a certain degree of terror and disdain. But Caroline’s almost stupidly brave around Klaus, having no qualms at all about sassing him, or insulting him. And it’s that aspect of her personality that seems to intrigue him, all the more . . .
Like Tyler, Klaus begins by apologizing about Caroline’s dad’s death, but Caroline won’t hear it. So, he instead smugly remarks on her choice of dress and jewelry, despite her protestations that she is “spoken for” by Klaus’ very own sire, Tyler.
But I think my favorite exchange between these two, was when Klaus noted that Caroline was a good dancer, and Caroline explained that she was Miss Mystic Falls. “I know,” responded Klaus with a grin.
Apparently, not even Original Hybrids are above Googling the objects of their affection . . .
In which Elena pisses me off THREE TIMES in under twenty minutes . . .
Elena texts Damon to meet her in the study. And when he arrives he’s attacked from behind, by his own brother, who BREAKS HIS NECK. Elena looks sad about this, for all of one second, before dashing upstairs to meet the Original Mother. – Time Elena Pissed Me Off this Week # 1
En route to Mommy Dearest, Elena runs into Elijah, who’s seemed more than a bit smitten with her of late. Memories of Tatiya, I guess. (Man, is there anyone on this show, aside from Klaus, who isn’t head over heels for this girl. It’s frustrating!) Elijah admits to Elena that he’s not quite sure of his own mother’s motives for bringing the family together. And it’s causing him to ask questions, he never thought he would ask. “Can I depend on you to tell me what she says?” Elijah asks.
Elena agrees. Poor Elijah. You might be honorable. But the girl to whom you are speaking just convinced her ex boyfriend to break his brother / her sort-of lovers’ neck. Now to me, that does very little to render her statements to you, at all trustworthy . . .
When Elena arrives in the Original Hybrid’s bedroom, Finn is there. And there’s just something weirdly incestuous about the relationship between these two, as well! It’s a little gross. I’m not going to lie. Apparently, this is the part of the episode where the Original Mother answers our questions about how the f*&k she came to be here, in the first place.
According to Mama Original, when Klaus killed her, Ayanna her witchy friend, preserved her body, so that she could leave it, and traverse the spirit world for over 1,000 years, without her corporeal form rotting away. (That’s how she got in touch with Ghost Vampire Vicki in Ghost World. It’s also how she still has witchy powers, even though, we’ve been told that vampires can’t be witches, and vice versa.) Apparently, Ayanna was a Bennett, and that’s why the Bennett Mother /Daughter duo were the only ones capable of opening her coffin.
Oh, and did I mention that she wants to KILL ALL HER KIDS!!!!
Yeah, apparently, she’s decided they are an abomination, or something . . . Right, because a 1,000 year old woman, who’s body has been preserved for 1,000 years, and is trying to murder all her children isn’t an abomination at all . . .
She also apparently threw this whole entire ridiculous ball, just to get her kiddies to drink some cursed champagne. Now, that’s just silly, Mama Original! Your children are perpetual twenty-somethings. You don’t need a big fat ball to get them to drink liquor! They probably do it on their own, every day.
Mama Original explains that she needs the Doppelganger’s blood in the champagne toast, in order to bind the Original Siblings together. (“One drink ring to rule them all, one ring to bind them.” It’s Lord of the Rings all over again!) Elena gladly offers her blood, without knowing exactly why she’s giving it. The Original Mother conveniently explains it to her, afterword. “Kill one Original, kill them all.”
Yeah, this woman sucks ass, in a big way . . . worse than her husband, even. Why are the parents on this show so universally despicable? What message does that give our youth? Just sayin’.
Back in the library, Damon awakens to Stefan standing over him, with a smug smile on his face. Let the brotherly ass kicking begin! Name calling is involved. I seem to recall both brothers referring to one another a “controlling dick,” which makes me think dirty thoughts. Stefan accuses Damon of “caring too much,” an accusation that erstwhile villain Damon finds both ironic and offensive, and so do I.
Damon then storms off, in search of his errant lady love . . .
Much like Katherine, before her, it seems that screwing up the Salvatore brother’s relationship is one of Elena’s greatest talents.
DON’T DRINK AND DIE!
Elena is standing next to Elijah at the time that the Original Hybrid makes her dreaded champagne toast. Before it happens, Elijah asks Elena what his mother said to her, and she lies through her teeth, claiming that all Esther wanted to do was apologize to her for the whole “lock you in a burning car” thing. Elijah believes Elena, seemingly, without question. And his unfailing faith in her lying ass, makes me incredibly sad.
But I’m about to get angry. . .
For a few hopeful seconds, it looks as though Elena might prevent Elijah from drinking down his cup of death. It would be so easy to do. All she’d have to do is trade glasses with him . . . or accidentally/on purpose knock the cup from his hand . . . or say, “Don’t drink that, I think Klaus peed in it.”
But NOOOOO! She just lets Elijah drink his own death warrant.
What a heinous b*tch! – Time Elena Pissed Me off This Week # 2
A horse is a horse, of course, of course . . .
After the Death Toast, Klaus finds Caroline admiring a horse. She’s a fan of the animals, because they are cute. He likes them because they are loyal. Klaus then tell a nice little story about how his father killed his horse / only friend as a warning.
Oh Klaus, you really know how to sweet talk a girl. There’s nothing like severed horse heads to get a female in the mood . . .
In true Elena fashion, Caroline lectures Klaus on the importance of ironing out differences with your daddy, no matter how many of your horses he has slaughtered. This way, when he dies, you will have no regrets. . . well, aside from regretting that he’s dead, of course. And, in Klaus’ case, regretting that YOU killed him. (But, hey, no family relationship is perfect, right?)
Caroline then gets all sassy again, by telling Klaus that she likes horses AND people. But that people also like her too, probably because she doesn’t try to use them in sacrifice rituals . . .
Later Klaus takes Caroline to his personal art collection, and offers to take her around the world . . . anywhere she wants to go.
Caroline seems entirely tempted, in spite of herself. Evil as he might be, Klaus has really been on his best, and most charming behavior, when it comes to Caroline . . . well, except for the whole “trying to get Tyler to kill her” thing . . . (I’m honestly not sure why Caroline hasn’t made that connection yet.)
Did I mention that Klaus is an artist, himself? And that he tends to draw pictures of the women he “fancies” . . . women like Caroline? Who knew!
But things go south a bit, when Caroline remarks annoyedly of her future boyfriend’s tendency to snap his fingers to get what he wants, and turn them into hybrids when he needs new “friends.” She then pointedly asks Klaus to break the sire bond, between him and Tyler.
After all of Caroline’s remarks, it’s this one that seems to piss Klaus off the most. “I think it’s time for you to leave,” he says petulantly, like a little kid who’s childhood playmate has started calling him names.
But Caroline isn’t done with Klaus, quite yet. “You don’t connect with people, because you don’t try to understand them,” Caroline yells, tossing the super expenive bracelet to the floor, before stomping off.
The assessment seems to affect Klaus deeply, and cause a lot of brooding, on his part.
But Klaus recovers quickly enough to leave Caroline yet another secret gift. This time it’s a handdrawn picture of her next to a horse. Out of context, this seems like an odd, and potentially offensive gift. But given Caroline’s and Klaus’ pony bonding moment, it’s actually a really sweet gesture.
Oh, and there’s also a note . . .”Thank you for your honesty,” it says.
WOW, Klaus must REALLY like being insulted. 😉 At least, now we know how to get into his pants!
Toward the end of the episode, Caroline calls Tyler and begs him to return home. Now, we KNOW she’s falling for Klaus. If she wasn’t, I suspect she wouldn’t be quite so insistent on her boyfriend’s presence as a buffer between them.
Choices . . . choices.
Speaking of buffers . . .
“I’m mad at you, because I’m in love with you.”
When Elena runs into Damon, after getting Stefan to break his neck, she has some serious explaining to do. They are in eachother’s faces again. His hand is on her arm. Their eyes and mouths are inches apart from one another.
In the heat of passion, Damon tells Elena he loves her, for the third time, in their relationship. (Though, in her defense, she still doesn’t remember the first time.)
“Well, maybe that’s the problem,” Elena says coldly.
OK . . . WHAT . . . THE . . . F*&K! SERIOUSLY, ELENA! – Time Elena Pissed Me off This Week # 3 through 1,022!
First of all? Coldest, most callous response to an “I love you,” EVER! Second of all, since when does Little Miss Touchy Feely Elena accuse someone of being TOO EMOTIONAL and caring. Hasn’t she just spent the past three seasons TRYING to get Damon to “be the better man” and feel?
Ugh! Who peed in Elena’s cheerios this morning, and made her such a heinous b*tch? We’re totally in a fight right now, her and I . . .
“I care too much . . . I’m a liability . . . How ironic is that?” Damon scoffs.
How ironic, indeed!
Matt’s Knight and Shining Damon
Elsewhere in the party, Kol and Rebekah decide to kill Matt for sh*ts and giggles. They figure it will piss off their mother, and hurt Elena at the same time. But then Matt chivalrously offers Rebekah his coat, and all bets are off.
Kol, however, is super jealous of Matt, because his sister might actually want to bone him not quite as needy for affection as his sister. So, he accosts Matt on the balcony later that night, and proceeds to break his arm . . . literally.
But worry not, Matt fans! It’s Damon to the rescue!
He throws Kol OFF THE BALCONY, jumps after him, and starts pummeling the pretty boy’s face, like it’s his job. But, of course, when the rest of the party guests emerge from the house to investigate the commotion, Damon, being Damon, just stomps away, instead of explaining why he did what he did . . .
Back at the mansion, Elijah lets his mother know he has done damage control, on the whole vampire fighting thing. “I wish the others were more like you, Elijah,” coos Mother Dearest. (Yeah, Mommy. If you have your way, they will all be like Elijah . . . DEAD.)
Inside mommy’s chambers is her boyfriend / husband, Finn, to whom Mama Original complains that Elijah is too “moral.” “Morality is a vampire’s greatest weakness, apparently.” (Good ole TVD, always teaching us the tough life lessons.)
Apparently, Finn is in on his mom’s whole “kill her kids” plan. “I’m ready to die,” says Finn, who must agree with his mother, about the whole “vampires are abominations” thing.
Great . . . just what our pop culture lexicon needs, another self-loathing vampire . . .
It’s frustrating really, because, if I was a vampire, I would love the sh*t out of myself. No joke. Vampires are awesome . . . particularly, the non-suicidal ones.
To complete spell, we see Finn cut his hand, and drip his blood on a piece of paper, which maps out a bloody family tree across him and his siblings’ names, etch-a-sketch style. I guess this is like the paper version of Bonnie’s nosebleeds . . .
Back at the Gilbert house, Stefan walks Elena home, while she informs him of the Wicked Original Witch’s nefarious kid-killing plans. The former reminds Elena that she has nothing to feel guilty about, in terms of killing Elijah, because Klaus has brought nothing but darkness into her life. (Ummm . . . maybe . . . but Klaus isn’t Elijah.)
The pair also both admit to one another that they were mean to Damon, and that this might explain why he went after Kol the way he did. If only they knew . . .
As Stefan is leaving, Elena calls him back to the site of the epic Delena kiss. (That is sacred ground, Elena. Don’t you dare kiss him, or I will hack off your lips, and send them to you via Fed Ex.) She wants to know how Stefan can “not feel,” and wishes that she could do the same thing. Well, Elena, for what it’s worth, I thought you were pretty unfeeling to Damon! So, that’s progress in the “becoming heartless” department! Stefan then pretty much admits to Elena, that the reason he’s seemingly turned off his humanity, and has been pretending not to care about Elena, is not to protect her, but to protect himself from the pain of reliving what he did last summer . . . and, of course, reliving his BITING of Elena. (No word on reliving that time, when he tried to drive her off a cliff.)
Elena seems heartened by this, somewhat . . .
Over at the Only Bar / Social Establishment in Mystic Falls a gloomy Matt ignores Rebekah’s apologies and romantic advances, because her brother BROKE HIS ARM, and he doesn’t have health insurance. (Apparently, the only health coverage Only Bar gives it’s employees is a lifetime supply of vervain.)
Enter Drunk Damon, who’s chugging whiskey straight out of the bottle that he’s conveniently brought to the bar from home. “Rejected by the high school football captain,” he says sliding into the seat next to her. “Welcome to adolescence.”
This isn’t the first time, Damon has dealt with mistreatment by Elena, through sex with others. We’ve seen it happen with Caroline, Katherine, Rose, and Andie, before Rebekah.
The difference, of course, is that Elena REALLY deserves this one. And I can’t wait until she finds out that her erstwhile vampire lover has been schtupping the woman who wants her dead. Revenge is definitely sweet, but it also might give you a VD . . .
Next week on TVD, Elena gets more of her just desserts, when Elijah finds out about her little fib, and responds by kidnapping and holding her hostage. Yep, the honeymoon period is definitely over between these two.
So, slip into your favorite dinner wear, and, for heaven’s sake, hide your stakes! Because you have just been invited to the sexiest, wackiest, most jaw-dropping dinner party on this show, since . . . well . . . the last time they had a dinner party, on this show . . .
(As always, special thanks to my spectacular screencapper Andre, who is most definitely filled with awesomesauce! ;))
Cheap and Easy Ways to Renovate Your Home – starring Elijah
“This would make a marvelous tree ornament.”
Our bloody tale picks up, literally, right where it left off, prior to last week’s hiatus. Damon has returned the Original Family Coffins (except for one!) to Klaus. However, unbeknownst to the Original Hybrid at the time, one of those coffins contained a de-staked Elijah . . .
Now Klaus finds himself face-to-face with his undead brother, who is literally wearing his heart on his sleeve . . . well, someone else’s heart, actually. To say that Elijah got up on the wrong side of the coffin, after sleeping away half the season, is an understatement, to say the least . . .
Klaus is clearly surprised to see his brother, alive, kicking, and KICKING HIS ASS for that whole “murder and storage” thing. Now, as we all know, apologies have never exactly been Klaus’ strong suit. And while a simple, “I’m sorry I murdered you, and carted your rotting body around in a coffin for over 12 episodes,” would certainly have been in order . . . Klaus, instead, offers his very irate brother a cheeky, “Hey, at least I reunited you with your family, like you asked!”
But as jovial as Klaus might be, he has very limited patience for people who (1) don’t laugh at his jokes; (2) question his commitment to “family;” and (3) prefer other’s company to his own. When people disappoint Klaus in this way, he does what any rational human being would do in such a situation: DRIVE A STAKE THROUGH THEIR HEART . . .
However, since Damon currently has the stake that originally came out of Elijah, Klaus is forced to “recycle” the one currently enmeshed in his brother Kol.
“Tell the mortician to ease up on the face makeup next time. I look like a vampire. Oh . .. er . . . nevermind.”
Elijah then gently reminds his sibling that, since Kol has been dead at Klaus’ hand for over 100 years, there’s a good chance his wrath against the Original Hybrid will be even worse than Elijah’s. Klaus ultimately re-daggers Kol, and opts for a change in tactics . . .
You know what they say, “If at first you don’t succeed . . . try begging.”
Ultimately, Elijah decides to hear his brother out. It can’t hurt, right? After all, he does still want to be reunited with his family. And if Klaus tries to betray him again, Elijah can always go back to redecorating the mansion, by tossing his brother’s body into various parts of it . . .
Meanwhile, over at the Gilbert house . . .
Alcoholism: Because expressing your true feelings is hard. But it doesn’t have to be . . .
Alaric and his erstwhile foster kid, Elena, have very different ideas of what constitutes clean living. For Elena, clean living means waking up early for a morning jog, and having a bowl of fruit for breakfast. For Alaric, clean living means taking a shower, after you’ve polished off nearly an entire bottle of scotch.
This is likely one of the reasons that he and Damon get along so very well . . .
Damon’s a big fan of drinking and nakedness personal hygiene, as well!
In addition to clearly being a “morning person,” Elena get some props for keeping her judgy side at bay, even after Alaric admits to (1) being massively hungover; and (2) having drunk dialed his new Doomed-to-Die-a-Very-Painful-Death girlfriend, Crazy Nanny Carrie, the night before . . .
This super cute exchange is interrupted by a knock on the door. It’s Lizard Forbes, a woman who’s idea of clean living is putting a bloody murder weapon in a plastic baggy, before returning it to its rightful owner.
“In addition to murder weapons, I also sell bibles!”
That’s right, Fangbangers! Remember that adorably dead medical examiner from a couple week’s back?
Well, apparently, he was killed by a stake from Alaric’s collection . . . one that conveniently contained only Elena’s prints on it. (Or Vampire Katherine’s . . . isn’t it conceivable that the two Petrova Doppelgangers would have identical fingerprints? Just a theory.) Of course, Lizard doesn’t suspect Alaric or Elena, which makes her a very understanding person, but also a Really Sh*tty Cop.
OK . . . I take back the “understanding” part . . .
If this was Law and Order, both Alaric and Elena would be dragged down to the station for questioning faster than you could say, “Is that a stake in your chest, or are you just really happy to see me?”
Elena the Vampire Founder’s Council Slayer?
In which it was finally revealed that Damon Salvatore is actually Gossip Girl . . .
Those of you who read my Gossip Girl recaps, know that I am still not entirely convinced that Georgina Sparks is actually Gossip Girl. To be honest, she simply doesn’t seem adept enough at snarky wordplay to pull it off. Damon Salvatore, on the other hand, is a spectacular wordsmith!
(By the way, Elena really shouldn’t put Damon on speaker phone. It vastly increases the chance that Alaric will learn the truth about the couple’s budding phone sex relationship.)
“I love it when you talk dirty.”
Elena doesn’t think the Mystic Falls Murderer is Alaric’s girlfriend . . . but only because she’s been too busy running away from Klaus, and making out with Damon to watch One Tree Hill or Pretty Little Liars.
Brush up on your pop culture, girlfriend. It might just save your life . . .
Elena actually thinks the murderer might be Stefan, despite the fact that her ex has absolutely no rational motive for staking a perfectly good meal, which the medical examiner clearly was despite the formaldehyde smell, of course, and leaving it completely uneaten.
Oh, Mr. Former Bunny Muncher . . . how the mighty hath fallen . . .
Speaking of Mighty, Damon cuts his flirty phone conversation with Elena and Alaric short, to meet with one of the most powerful vampires in the world. Of course, I’m referring to the newly awakened Elijah. Honestly, if I were Elena, I’d be a bit concerned, because the sexual tension between these two men is fierce! I mean, Damon is already leaving flirty Gossip Girl style messages in Elijah’s underwear clothing, signed with hugs and kisses. . .
“I’m here. Let’s talk,” says Elijah gruffly, as he moves in mere inches from Damon Salvatore’s chiseled face, and dreamy crystalline blue eyes. “Talk” . . . is that what the kids are calling it, nowadays? 😉
DAMON: “Just so you know, I am a VERY good ‘talker.’ In fact, just last night, Elena was complimenting me VERY LOUDLY about what a good ‘talker,’ I am.”
Speaking of “talking,” Elena kindly confronts Stefan, with her theory that he’s a serial killer, which, clearly he IS . . . He’s just happens not to be the one running around plopping Alaric’s stakes in people’s chests. (Eating off their heads, and gluing them back on to their bodies, is much more his style.)
Stefan, of course, is super offended by the notion that a bloodthirsty vampire like himself would do something as evil as KILLING HUMANS. *clears throat* Even more offensive to Stefan is the fact that Elena is accusing him, as opposed to . . . you know . . . the other vampire with whom she sometimes plays tonsil hockey . . .
The Bennett Family: Witches or Locksmiths of the Dead?
“Bippity Bobbity Boo?”
So, was I the only one having Bad Flashbacks of Poor Dead Grams, when Bonnie and Abby were holding hands and doing the whole “let’s open a coffin with our minds” thing? In the past “communal spells” meant people DIED . . .
. . . and “solo spells” meant nosebleeds for Bonnie.
Now, it seems like both of those things are plot lines of the past . . . which, I guess, is a good thing, if you like Mama Bennett / want her to stick around for awhile, and a bad thing, if you don’t . . .
Poor Mama Bennett wasn’t having a particularly great life episode. Both Stefan and Bonnie were riding her ass to “just buck up and BE MAGICAL ALREADY, dammit.”
“The old lady did it, so why can’t you, you lazy ass!”
Bonnie even added a fresh layer of guilt to her judgment. “You clearly suck as a mom, and a human being. So, please try not to suck at this too,” she said . . . more or less.
Cue more creepy chanting, and flickering candles in Fourth Coffin’s New Hiding Place: The Tomb of the Damned. “It’s working!” Bonnie exclaims, excitedly about the new “Family Unbinding Spell” the two are testing out. “This would be a really good time for me to go call Damon, and leave you alone with the thing that is SO dangerous, the Biggest Baddest Super Villain on this show decided it needed to be locked up.
“I’ll be right baaaaaaaaack.” Hopefully, by then, you will be as dead as our relationship, Mommy Dearest.” Bonnie adds, before skipping up the steps, joyfully.
(Does no one on this show watch horror movies?)
Of course, it should surprise positively no one that the coffin bursts open, the minute Bon-Bon exits stage left. Be afraid, Mama Bennett! Be VERY afraid . . .
Come to Mystic Falls: It may only have one bar / social establishment, but it has multiple serial killers. So, SUCK IT, VEGAS!
“Y’all come back from the dead now, ya hear?”
Caroline’s at the hospital making small talk with Crazy Nanny Carrie, who’s bedside manner is for sh*t . . .
The purpose of this conversation is two-fold. For starters, she wants to pick up her now vampire-blood infused, vampire hating daddy. For finishers, she wants to investigate the extent of Crazy Nanny’s sanity, on her bestie, Elena’s, behalf.
“So, have you ever played a character who actually WASN’T a murderer?”
Caroline comes to the conclusion that Crazy Nanny is normal, which only shows that becoming supernatural has done nothing to improve Caroline’s judgment regarding humans.
But Caroline’s vampire mojo DOES have it’s perks. Using her super sensitive vampy hearing, Caroline picks up the sound of her father’s phone. And this, in turn, allows her to find her father lying dead in the medical supply closet at the hospital . . . wait for it . . . staked in the heart with one of Alaric’s weapons.
“So, THAT’S why my stomach’s been killing me!”
I know it probably makes me seem like a heartless b*tch to say this . . . especially in light of what happened later in this storyline. But I thought it was pretty funny that Elena had to explain to Caroline that her father (who had died with vampire blood in his system) was now turning into a bloodsucker. Whereas, Caroline . . . the actual bloodsucker, was completely clueless. I mean, I guess you could argue that she was in shock, and couldn’t think straight. But still . . .
Cue the gasps, wheezes and hacking coughs, as the man who hates vampires so much that he was willing to burn his own daughter to excise the “evil creature” from her body, comes back from the dead, craving blood. Ahh, irony . . . gotta love it. Papa Douche . . . wait . . . sorry, he’s dead, so I can’t bad mouth him anymore Forbes ultimately decides that he would rather not feed and commit suicide than become like his kid.
Awww . . . a father / daughter bonding moment. How sweet!
Meanwhile, Elena heads home to tell Alaric how they almost became suspects to another murder. Alaric soon realizes that Crazy Nanny Carrie had access to and knowledge of both of the murder weapons. In other words, it’s time to bust this murderous b*tch!
Or is it?
In which Caroline Forbes makes us cry . . . again.
Poor Caroline! Just because your dad can be a toolbox, doesn’t mean you won’t miss him when he’s gone . . . particularly when you feel like, you, personally could prevent his death. “I’ll force him to feed,” says Caroline resolutely to her bestie Elena.
Well, as you might have suspected, Elena has something to say about that . . .
Hey Elena, did you ever think that, perhaps, JEREMY might feel the same way you do about issues of “personal choice?” Just a thought . . .
Elena then brings up the absentee Tyler, which kind of seems like adding insult to injury. I mean, come on, it’s not bad enough that the girl is about to be father-less, you want to remind her that she’s boyfriend-less too?
That said, it seems surprising, not to mention, more than a bit unrealistic, that Tyler wouldn’t respond to Caroline’s calls regarding a parental death. For one thing, Tyler, who, not too long ago, lost his own morally ambiguous father, could absolutely relate to the conflicting feelings the person expresses, following the death.
For another, you would think, considering how much Tyler loves Caroline, that he would come running to her, the minute she showed signs of breaking her silent treatment with him.
But alas . . . he didn’t. (Perhaps, he’s off trying to master that whole “wolfing out without pain,” thing . . . you know . . . the one CAROLINE’S DAD taught him how to do? If so, why haven’t we at least seen him shirtless this week? HUH? HUH?)
Anyway, of course, now Caroline is wondering if her ex is the murderer. She reasons that, perhaps, Tyler had done it as one of his sire’s orders. But Elena disagrees. “I’m the only one who can accuse MY ex boyfriend of unspeakable acts,” says Elena, more or less.
Then, there’s some heartfelt talk between Caroline and Elena, about what it’s like to be in the “Dead Dad’s Club.” (Elena is club president!) Cue the entrance of Matt, who’s character I’ve been enjoying so much more, ever since he lost the Judgy Personality Chip.
Weed . . . it makes you more likeable . . .
That said, I’m starting to feel like Matt’s whole function as a character has recently been reduced to Resident Hugger, and Cheerleader for Team Ex Girlfriend . . .
“Haha, he thinks now that Tyler is gone, he actually has a chance. But I’m the one who installed a honing device on her panties . . . .”
Speaking of Caroline’s panties, she really grows some balls (not that she necessarily lacked them, in the first place.), when she confronts her now, clearly, dying father with a simple, but gut-wrenching, plea that he not leave her . . .
When “tears and emotions” don’t convince Papa Forbes to fight for his life, Caroline tries a few other tactics: (1) first flattery. (“You can do this. You are the strongest person I now”); (2) then guilt (“Do you really hate me [and what I’ve become] that much?”) Caroline wonders.
I’ve long admired Candice Accola as an actress. But she really blew me away, in this episode. Her raw reactions to her erstwhile absentee dad’s untimely passing were both heartbreaking, and refreshingly real. In fact, Candice’s acting ability elevated a story line that had the real potential to be boring and maudlin into a captivating dramatic piece.
But back to the story, I’m really glad, for Caroline’s sake that she got her father to admit that he loved her, was proud of her, and thought she was a good person, despite the fact that she was an “icky vampire.” Had Papa Forbes not said this to Caroline, I suspect it would have haunted her for the rest of eternity. At least. this way, she can begin down the long and windy path of “closure.”
Adios, Papa Douche . . . as it turns out, you weren’t nearly as big of an asshat as we initially assumed you were . . .
Bloodsucker, Party of Four . . .
Back at La Casa de Rich and Awesome, Damon tells a shirtless, and recently showered Stefan, that it’s time to put a big ole smile on his face, and play nice with the Originals, in order to buy Bonnie some time to open Coffin Number Four with her mind. Stefan and his recent perma-scowl face don’t want to attend. He’d much rather stay home and mope over the fact that Damon and Elena recently exchanged smoochies, thank you very much.
Stefan also doesn’t trust Elijah, who ended up MAJORLY screwing the Scooby Gang over, during their first round of Kill Klaus Games.
The massive role reversal between these two brothers is highly apparent, in this scene. Last season, it was Damon perma-scowling and Elijah distrusting (with good reason, as it turns out). Meanwhile, Season 2’s kinder, gentler more boring, Stefan was begging his brother to keep the peace, for Elena’s sake.
As for the kiss in question, Damon reminds Stefan that HE, Damon, is not the enemy in this situation. Rather, it’s Klaus’ fault is for making Stefan Bad!Stefan, thereby tossing Elena right into Damon’s arms, in the first place.
Touche, Damon Sexy Pants! And yet Delena fans well know, that even without Stefan’s newfound douchiness, Elena’s mouth would have found her way onto Damon’s, anyway. After all, it wasn’t exactly the first time the two of them kissed . . .
So, off the Salvatore Brother’s head to Klaus’ newly renovated, and now slightly banged-up, home, for a sit down dinner. And I’ve gotta say, I was shocked that he served actual food! (Though, of course, I wasn’t the least bit surprised that he devoured one of the blonde barbie types waiting by the table for dessert. We all know how much Klaus likes his blondes . . .)
Speaking of eating people, Grumpy Stefan childishly made a point to remind everybody at the party that HE didn’t want to break bread with the Originals. He’d much prefer to negotiate some terms, and leave, as soon as possible. And to this rudeness, Klaus offers the Best Comeback, EVER!
“We can sit and eat, or I can reach down your throats, and pull out your insides. The choice is yours.”
Ahhh, cannibalism jokes on vampire shows. They just never get old, do they?
I mentioned earlier that Damon and Elijah illustrate their latent sexual attraction to one another, through personal space invasions, sexy smiles, winks, and oh-so-obvious eye f*&king. But Klaus and Stefan have a much longer history with one another. (You just KNOW something had to have gone down between these two during that long hot Ripper Summer!) So, of course, their sexual tension comes in the form of saucy verbal jabs, and naughty teases.
Klaus and Stefan definitely know how to push one another’s buttons. Stefan begins the game by inquiring after Rebekah, who Stefan knows full well is still staked, despite the fact that Elena returned her body to Klaus weeks ago. “She’s still daggered, because you couldn’t face her,” Stefan observes viciously. (Stefan Salvatore would make an EXCELLENT mean girl.)
Oddly enough, it’s Damon who attempts to put this verbal jousting to bed, with this hilarious remark . . .
Elijah definitely approves, and so do I. Stefan has been off the hook way too long for eating his father, in what might very well have been one of the most disturbing and nauseating flashbacks in TVD history.
It’s high time someone called him out on that little “performance.” And who better to do that than his own brother?
Speaking of insults, Elijah unintentionally shoots one Stefan’s way, by inquiring after Elena, who, last time Elijah checked, was still Stefan’s lover.
But just because Elena is off limits, doesn’t mean ALL Petrova Doppelgangers are. Elijah, ever the gracious host, entertains the table with the tale of “Tatiya” i.e. NotCharlotte, a girl who lived in their village, and despite being deemed a bit slutty, for already being “with child” was loved by all, most notably Klaus and Elijah. And, much like the Salvatore Brothers, the pair fought viciously over the little chicky who resembled Nina Dobrev.
ELIJAH: “I should win her heart, I have better hair.”
Not surprisingly, it was their fighting that prompted Mikael to kill Tatiya, and force the brothers to drink her blood, when being turned into vampires. It was also Klaus’ love for Tatiya that prompted Klaus’ mother to include her essence in the binding spell of Klaus’ hybrid nature. Talk about history repeating . . .
But for me, the most interesting part of this dinner party, was the negotiation session, in which both sets of brothers made offers to the other to ensure a “lasting peace.” Damon’s offer was much what we would have expected: the Fourth coffin, in exchange for Elena no longer being a blood bag.
Klaus said “no deal.” After all, he needs Elena’s blood to make hybrids, and without hybrids, Klaus, adorable as he might be, has no friends . . .
But Klaus’ offer was interesting, to say the least. He argued that what would ultimately be best for Elena would be for Klaus to ensure her a “normal” human life . . . married to someone like Matt, wherein she would pop out a bunch of puppies, thereby ensuring the continuation of the Petrova Doppelganger line . . . Klaus further conjectured that the alternative would result in Elena either dying very young, or being turned into a vampire relatively soon . . .
The significance of the statement is not lost on the two brothers, both of whom, above all, want Elena to be happy. And while most TVD fans would not prefer an endgame, in which Elena was compelled to forget about vampires, and live out a dull Stepford life in Mystic Falls, with the sweet, but not overly exciting Matt, this was actually a notion Elena herself had considered back when Damon had force fed her his blood in “The Last Day.” Plus, if Elena’s words to Caroline, regarding her father are any indication, the new Petrova Doppelganger’s feelings regarding becoming a vampire have not yet changed.
And when Stefan rises to shake Klaus’ hand, symbolically accepting his offer, there’s a split second, wherein I actually believe he is being genuine. But Klaus, is apparently, more savvy than I am, because he doesn’t believe it for one second . . .
Damon immediately moves to his brother’s aid, as Klaus pushes him frighteningly close to the fire, his fingers already beginning to burn. But Elijah holds the Elder Salvatore back . . . in a show of brotherly solidarity . . . or just as part of the overall plan? We&