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Decapitated by Kindness – A Recap of Game of Thrones’ “High Sparrow”

marg and tom

“Puberty RULES!!!”

For all its violence, public beheadings, ball chop-offs, and toilet bowl stabbings, the world of Westeros was a surprisingly cordial place to live. Few people cursed, or raised their voices at one another, at least not while others were in earshot. In fact, winning the Game of Thrones, often required its players to smile genially at those they most detested, and inquire after their well being . . .while at the same time chopping their head off with a long sword.

This week’s installment of GOT depicted all of its characters, hiding their truly dark motivations, behind smiles and polite words. More specifically, “High Sparrow” featured Arya doing a little housekeeping, Sansa getting engaged again, Tommen getting a whole lot of nookie, Jon Snow getting a little head, Margaery beating Cersei in a verbal smackdown,  and a High Septon being quite literally beaten by his religion.

Let’s review, shall we?

Wax on, Wax Off

joggin

If Jagen Hagar didn’t have such cool hair, most people would think he was a real prick. . .

Inside White Castle the House of Black and White, Arya has become Jaqen Hagar’s maid, sweeping the floors of the House for days on end. In fact, it seems like everyone who lives at the House has been converted into Jaqen’s personal Downton Abbey service staff . . . well, except maybe for this one old guy, who Jaqen seemingly murdered, by serving him poisoned water. (Maybe his cleaning abilities were sub par?)

arya in dark

It seems Jaqen comes from the Mr. Miyagi / Karate Kid school of warrior training. If you recall, Mr. Miyagi told the Karate Kid that “wax on, wax off” was the key to finding patience and discipline in battle, but really he just wanted someone to wash his car for free. . .

Likewise, Jaqen tells Arya she must learn to serve others , most specifically the “One God,” before she can learn to do cool things like scare hoodlums by occasionally turning into an old grumpy black man in a hoodie . . .

jaquen

Arya responds by continuing to perform free labor for Jaqen. Mission accomplished! The floor of the House of Black and White has never looked cleaner. Jaqen might even be able to see his reflection in it . . . if he actually had a face . . .

In Which Tommen Gets Laid, and Cersei Gets Banished to the Loser Table

marg mean girl

The happy day has finally come for Westeros’s favorite pedophile (Work harder, Littlefinger!) to finally get hitched to Cersei’s less psychotic, but more age inappropriate, son, Tommen. The populace is clearly thrilled! They haven’t been this happy, since about 100 years ago, when one of their beloved queens actually married a fetus (which, made exchanging vows complicated, but totally worth it).

As Tommen and Margaery exchange vows, Tommen couldn’t look more pleased with his excellent luck. Just last week he was playing in bed with Ser Pounce, Lady Whiskers and Boots. Now, he has a much larger pussy to call his very own . . .

tommen with catSource

That night, newlyweds Tommen and Margaery do the deed. And it’s just as gross as you imagined, but not as graphic as you might have feared, especially given that this is an HBO show. Most of the naughtiest bits are hidden from view underneath an exceptionally large comforter.

“Sex is awesome,” Tommen exclaims, after presumably giving Margaery the best one minute and twenty five seconds of her life. “The history books shall call me the Sex King, because this will be all I’ll do throughout my entire reign, while my mother runs the country to the ground.”

“You’re a big boy now, a married big boy” Margaery cautions. “You should send your mother away, and let me run the country to the ground for you.”

“Well, that doesn’t sound very nice,” posits Tommen. “I mean, my mother’s always been kind of a bitch, but she did give birth to me through an incestuous act with her twin brother, and . . .

“Sex,” Margaery argues calmly.

“Whatever, you say, my Queen. That evil wench is history,” Tommen capitulates.

marg and tom gif

“Your wife is very pretty. She sure smiles a lot,” Cersei tells Tommen, as the pair are walking the grounds together the next day.

To Cersei, smiling a lot is a sin on par with murdering one’s parents, cutting off their faces and wearing them for sport. She herself hasn’t smiled once since she was an infant, and that was only because she’d bitten off her nanny’s nose and thought it was hilarious.

walking with tom

“You should go away and live at Casterly Rock, so my wife can run Westeros to the ground instead of you, and I can have all the pussy I want, both the cat kind and the other kind,” Tommen replies.

Cersei is outraged by her son’s suggestion, and knows that evil smiling Margaery must be behind it. She immediately goes to see the new Queen to put her in her place. On her way, she overhears Margaery telling her ladies in waiting what a little horndog her son is. You know, because a mother loves nothing more than hearing detailed and graphic descriptions of the skill with which her prepubescent son screws . . .

suspicious cers

“Oh, hello Cersei, I was so busy talking about the size of Tommen’s dong, I almost didn’t notice you standing there?” Margaery offers politely. “Tell me, was his father as well-endowed . . . his real one, I mean?”

What follows is the absolute best double-entendre laced conversation between two mean girls, I have ever witnessed. And it goes a little something like this . . .

sister

Margaery: “I’m sorry I didn’t have any wine to serve you. It’s a bit early for us.”

(Translation: You are a disgusting old alcoholic hussy, and everybody knows it.)

Cersei: “Marriage agrees with you.”

(Translation: “Try not to poison this son, like you did my last one, because I don’t have any more left, you dumb pedophile bitch.”)

dead jof

Margaery: “I’m so tired after so much rough sex with your son all night. But that can be expected, after all, he is half lion, half stag.”

(Translation: “Surprisingly, your kid doesn’t screw like the abomination / product of incest I know him to be.”)

Cersei: “That’s lovely.”

(Translation: “I hope you choke on my son’s cock, and die a horrible death.”)

Margaery: “With all the sex we’re having, you will be a grandmother in no time. And the populace will be so happy to see our spawn. But in the meantime, can I call you dowager queen?”

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(Translation: “Our kid will probably come out with three heads because of the whole incest thing. P.S. You are an old bag.”)

Cersei: “If there is anything you need at all, please don’t hesitate to ask me.”

(Translation: “I just peed in your cornflakes. Enjoy the rest of your urine-filled breakfast.”)

Rise, Darth Sansa!

riding to winterfell

Back at Winterfell, Ramsey Bolton has popped home with some happy souvenirs for his dad from his tax collecting business trip, about four or five gross flayed bodies. “Mmmm, nothing beats a nice celebratory steak dinner to celebrate a good old fashioned genocide,” he says triumphantly.

“You make me so proud, Bastard Son,” says Roose. “In fact, I’d like to reward your sociopathy by marrying you off to Dark!Sansa Stark.”

“Sansa Stark? Didn’t we brutally murder her entire family?” Ramsey asks.

“Details,” says Roose. “With her new goth hairdo, she’s totally your type.”

“Can we have flayed bodies as the centerpieces at the wedding tables?” Ramsey asks excitedly.

Meanwhile, Sansa is also learning of her impending nuptials from Littlefinger. “Not cool,” Sansa complains. “I dumped the tall blonde lady and her sex stud friend, because I thought you would better protect me from danger, despite the fact that you are creepy and clearly a pedophile. Now, you are marrying me off to the crazy guy who cut off Alfie Allen’s balls, last season?”

little finger eye wag

Littlefinger responds by totally invading Sansa’s personal face and sexually caressing her face like it’s the ring from Lord of the Rings, and he is Smeagol. “Your entire family (except for Arya, whose busy Mr. Miyagied at White Castle, and Bronn and Rickon, who nobody care about) were all brutally murdered, because they were too nice, and refused to get dirty by affiliating themselves with gross people like me and the Boltons. Your life has sucked so far. But now, you have cool black hair, and everything can be different. Rise Darth Sansa! And we can murder everybody else on this show, and live happily ever after together on a pile of their rotting fetid corpses, which coincidentally will be your new sigil, once you marry Ramsey Bolton.”

darth vader

“Sounds good,” replies Sansa in a voice that sounds suspiciously like James Earl Jones.

She then gets back on her horse. And Littlefinger laughs maniacally as the two ride off together toward the gates of hell, a.k.a Winterfell.

In which, Renly and Brienne get the origin story you’ve been waiting for . . .

ren and bri

Pod and Brienne take a break from stalking Dark!Sansa to make camp, and bond a bit over S’Mores and stuff. (Did they have S’mores in Westeros.)

Brienne offers to train Pod to become a real fighter, figuring if he’s half as good with an iron sword, as he is rumored to be with the one between his legs, he’ll be a real champ at it.

smile pod

Pod tells the story of how he became Tyrion’s squire, as punishment for eating a stolen ham. Brienne responds by telling this adorably awesome story about how Renly Baratheon saved her from becoming Stephen King’s Carrie, at a prom her father made to secure her a marriage, by dancing with her when none of the other boys would.

“Those boys are nasty little shits, and are not worth your tears,” whispered Renly in her ear. “So, um try not to burn down the gymnasium with your mind, and kill us all, mmm kay?”

And with that story, Renly officially became my favorite dead guy on this show . . .

RenlysDeathS2Ep5

How come all the good ones, end up being married, gay, or murdered by Shadows Born Between Melissandre’s legs?

Brienne admits that she deeply regrets not being able to protect Renly from his untimely, and frankly really weird, demise. “Nothing is more hateful than failing to protect the one you love,” she says, vowing to avenge Renly’s death by murdering Stannis, and his creepy shadow baby, once and for all.

Somewhere in Heaven, Renly Baratheon is pumping his fist in triumph . . .

The Perks of Being a Wall Flower . . .

jon snow

Back at the Wall, Jon Snow formally rejects Stannis’ offer of legitimacy, because he’s not willing to leave his post as high commander to fight alongside Stannis’ army. Stannis is disappointed, but grudgingly respects Jon Snow’s honorable nature, even if he thinks he’s a moron, whose going to end up with his head on a pike like his father, Ed Stark.

Nice guys on this show, always finish last, after all.

It’s interesting how, in their own way, Sansa and Jon have both been given the same choice in this episode, and have chosen opposite paths. Sansa has chosen to get dirty, and play the game to avenge her family’s death, while Jon, for now, anyway, has chosen to stay clean, and watch from the sidelines, as an honorable bystander. Davos tells Jon as much, after his boss Stannis, has left the building.

“Part of the oath you took as a member of the Knights Watch was to protect the people,” Davos explains. “I mean, sure, you are protecting them from those white zombie things we see once every season, usually in the last five minutes of an episode. But wouldn’t it make more sense to protect them from those disgusting Boltons whose idea of interior decorating is hanging gross fetid bodies from the ceiling as chandeliers?”

Davos-Seaworth-Iron-Bank

“Yeah, but we’ve got like three more books to go, before I win the Game of Thrones, so it’s best I take my time,” responds Jon.

“You know nothing, Jon Snow,” says Davos.

“That’s what she said,” Jon answers truthfully.

In Which Arya Takes Her First Important Steps Toward Becoming a Homeless Looking Old Black Man

crying arya

Back in Hamburger-less White Castle, Arya is getting hazed by a girl with the same haircut she has. The girl slaps her around a bit, and keeps asking her name. Jaqen intervenes and instructs Arya that, in order to truly become a Homeless Looking Old Black Man, she must first rid herself of “Arya Stark’s” possessions. Arya does as she’s told, throwing all her possessions in the river. However, she can’t quite bring herself to part with her trusty sword needle, so she hides it underneath some rocks.

Hey, even Homeless Looking Old Black Men need to protect themselves somehow . . .

Later that day, Arya helps the mean girl with her haircut to wash the body of the dude who drank poisoned water and died at the beginning of the episode. “What do we do with them after we wash them?” Arya asks.

“We put on a naked corpse puppet show,” girl with the same haircut responds.

Actually, she doesn’t say that, but wouldn’t it be weird if she did?

I’ve Got Friends in Low Places

sansa on throne

Back at Winterfell Dark!Sansa puts on a nice show of being polite to those fetid Boltons, including her wackjob soon-to-be husband. When she goes to her room, her lady in waiting, offers her water to wash, and is extremely kind. “It is good to have you home, Lady Stark. The North remembers,” the woman tells her.”

Once alone, Sansa takes out her “People to Kill” list, and crosses off, Lady Who Gave Me Water. After all, someone is going to need to be there to help her and Littlefinger discard all those pesky dead bodies, after they’ve murdered all of Westeros . . .

Jon Snow Loves Gingers, Hates Baldies

janus still with head

“Is it too late to get a wig?”

In an interesting parallel between Jon’s rule of the Wall and Dany’s of Mereen, the new Commander of the Watch experiences his first resistance as ruler, and responds by choosing force over mercy, just as the Mother of Dragons did last week.

Deciding his strongest competition for leader, Allistair, deserves his respect, and will be a good ally to have in the future, Jon appoints him first ranger, giving the older gentleman watch over an adorable Ronald Weasley looking fellow hired to dig a new potty hole for all those dirty Wall Boys. Allistair is clearly satisfied with the appointment (and excited to finally get a new cleaner toilet).

Jon gets a much less appreciative response when he sends his other competitor for Commander, Janus, i.e. the wimpy one who hid an outhouse during their last battle, to fight far away in a remote town. “Shove it up your arse,” says the bald guy.

“Off with his head,” Jon responds, as he publicly decapitates Aging Mr. Clean in front of his peers, even after the latter cried like a bitch and begged for mercy.

Watching from above, Stannis offers Jon, an impressed thumbs up. “Decapitations are awesome,” says Stannis. “You may survive this series yet.”

happy stan

Shortly thereafter, the entire army on the Wall decided to dye their hair red. Who knew being a ginger could save one’s life?

High Sparrow – 1, High Septon – 0

high sparrow

In Westeros, the High Septon is a pretty important guy, kind of like the pope, only without the cool bubble car. So, you could imagine the shock of the good people of Kings Landing, when that religious cult, the Sparrows, led by that guy Lancel, who used to screw Cersei, drag the old fat naked High Septon out of a brothel naked, and publicly shame him.

The Septon claims he was just giving some good old fashion naked counseling to some prostitutes in need. Cersei responds by visiting the High Sparrow, who is also old, but not nearly as fat as the High Septon, since he is the one who ordered the public shaming. The High Sparrow is humble, lives amongst the poor, doesn’t wear shoes, and smells like poo.

“Hey Sparrow,” Cersei says to the smelly religious guy, “How’d you like to be the new pope?”

In which Tyrion makes a new friend . ..

tyrion

On the Road to Mother of Dragons, a restless Tyrion and Varys stop at a nearby town that may as well be called Danyville. All the priests sing her praises, all the whores dress like her and wear their hair like her. For a few Valor Morghulis coins, you can even get a t-shirt with Dany’s face on it, mouth wide open screaming, “WHERE ARE MY DRAGONS?”

Tyrion tries to win himself a prostitute but can’t seal the deal. Clearly, he’s still upset over the whole, “murdered my prostitute girlfriend, while my father was in the john, taking a break from boning her” thing.

He wanders upstairs, to piss his regrets off the side of a tall building, when he’s captured by a swarthy man, with a rope. “I’m taking you to see the Queen,” says Jorah Mormont.

Jorah-Mormont-house-targaryen-24524217-800-450

“Thanks for the lift, that’s where I was headed anyway. Can Varys come too?” Tyrion responded . . . or at least that’s how he would respond, if he wasn’t bound and gagged.

And that was the High Sparrow, in a rather large nutshell. Until next time, my dear citizens of Westeros!

snuggie throwns

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How to Lose Friends and Alienate Mereeneese – A Recap of Game of Thrones “The House of Black and White”

dany looking silly

“He definitely has my eyes. But I’m pretty sure he inherits his skin from his father’s side of the family.

While last week’s Game of Thrones premiere marked fans’ much awaited reunion with the beloved Sansa Stark and Jon Snow-sort-of-Stark, one surviving Stark child was woefully absent from the hour. Well, Bran and Rickon Stark were also technically absent. But, let’s be honest, no one really gives two shits about them. This week was Arya’s time to shine! And by shine, I mean “mope and look pissed off at the camera for fifty minutes, but also stumble upon some kind of cool adventures with old dudes.” by the door Plus, girlfriend’s rockin a sassy new hairstyle . . . and you can’t go wrong with that.

Also this week on GOT, Jon Snow accidentally embarked on his political career. And he did so, in an unassuming “aw shucks” kind of way that would have made Francis Underwood from House of Cards hate his “brooding man-child turned Prom King of the Wall” guts. underwood side eye And finally, Dany learned that, even when you’ve managed to turn an entire city against you, if you are pretty enough, and have cool enough hair, you can still manage to get the “D” . . . and by D I mean “dragon lovin,” but also actual “D” from this guy . . .

daario

Thus proving it’s damn good to be a Khaleesi! Let’s review shall we?

[Special thanks to my pal Andre for the kickass screencaps you see here.]

Arya Goes to Black andWhite Castle . . . But Doesn’t Order Hamburgers

While on a boat with some old guy whose name I didn’t catch, Arya realizes she’s arrived at Braavos, after she rides through some giant man’s legs. Yes, I recognize it was just a statue. But my inner twelve year old girl can’t help but giggle at the “sexual awakening” metaphor of it all. Titan-of-Braavos

“He creeps me out,” Arya admits of the giant well-endowed man she’s just ridden inadvertently gotten to hard third base with.

“Naw, he’s just welcoming you to town,” says the old guy, whose clearly no virgin to hearty “welcomes” of this sort.

Old Guy drops Arya off at the House of Black and White, which looks a bit like the Lincoln Memorial, but with these funky art deco black and white doors added on to the front. lincoln emThe doors remind me a bit that store, White House, Black Market . . . which I don’t like to frequent, because the people who work there, always make me feel like I’m Julia Roberts’ character at the beginning of Pretty Woman before Richard Gere gives her all his shopping money. I mean, if I want to buy a black tank top, I can get it at Old Navy for $10 bucks without the added emotional abuse. Just saying . . . big mistake huge Anywhoo . . . Arya knocks on the white and black door, and this old grumpy, vaguely homeless looking, black guy answers. “Hmm, vaguely homeless looking guys usually like change,” Arya thinks to herself, pulling out her much-prized Valor Morghulis coin as an offering. standing by door with old guy

Unfortunately for Arya, old grumpy, vaguely homeless looking,black guy is sooo not having the Valor Morghulis coin. He’s kind of like the homeless guy, you give your spare change to on the subway, while feeling all generous, kindly and Mother Theresa-like, only to have him throw it back in your face, because he expected a dollar at least. Long story short, the dude unceremoniously slams the white and black art-deco door in Arya’s face, and she’s understandably pretty miffed about it. sword through eye Arya is so miffed, in fact, that she starts doing that name thing she does, where she lists all the people on the show she wants George R.R. Martin to murder in the book series. (Has no one thought to make this “name game” into a YouTube mix thingy yet? Because, they absolutely should.) What’s odd, and a little disappointing, is that the list is down to only three names, because half the people that were on this show in Season 1 have already croaked. gameovertoiletBigSo, basically, what we’ve learned from all this is that being on Arya’s List is pretty bad news for your longevity. So, if you are on there, you shouldn’t invest in anything long term. like green bananas. She’s pretty much the Anti-Santa Claus of Game of Thrones. If you are on Santa’s nice list you get a video game, or a bike on Christmas morning for your troubles. If you are on Arya’s list, you get a knife to your weiner while you are shitting on the john . . .

“You Can’t Sit with Us!”

If Game of Thrones was high school, Dark! Sansa would be the shy quiet freshman, who got a senior boyfriend (Littlefinger), and a makeover, causing her to morph into a popular girl / uber bitch, overnight. dark sansa the gifAt some random bar, Brienne and Podrick are thrilled to find Sansa casually drinking ale with Littlefinger, like she owns the place. Brienne quickly rushes to swear her fealty to the much prized daughter of the ill-fated Eddard and Catelyn Stark. “I’ve been traveling the world looking for you,” explains Brienne. “Let me and Pod be your minions. And we will gladly beat the sh*t out of anyone who tries to get the world to remember that you used to be a ginger.”

Brienne-Pod

“If me’ lady says the carpet matches the drapes, then the carpet matches the drapes, mmm-kay?”

“Seriously,” scoffs Littlefinger. “I know the fans of this show all love you, because you have this strange, reverse Beauty and the Beast, love-hate thing going with Jamie, but as a bodyguard? No offense, but you kind of suck. Remember that time when you vowed to protect Renly Baratheon, and he got murdered by a gust of smog? Or when you tried to protect Catelyn , and she got stabbed at her son’s wedding by these inbred ugly people?”

Game-of-Thrones-Catelyn-309 (1) RenlysDeathS2Ep5“All of this is true,” admits Brienne calmly. “But I still think I’d be better at protecting Sansa than you, a middle-aged, murderous pedophile, weirdly fixated on her mother.”

The Lady of Tarth then turns to look at Sansa, awaiting her final decision. “Yeah, I’m going to go with the middle-aged murderous pedophile, weirdly fixated on my mother,” Sansa replies. “I hope this doesn’t affect your vote for me for prom queen.” brienne breaks shitAt which point, Brienne hightails it out of the bar on her horse, freeing all of Littlefinger’s men’s horses in her wake. Podrick rides faithfully behind her . . . way behind her.

Good ole Pod may be a stud with the ladies, but he’s sure a lame mare, about to be sent to the glue factory, when it comes to riding horses . . . or fighting . . . or forming complete sentences with his mouth.

pod

Brienne, on the other hand, is a spectacular fighter, and quickly mortally dispatches of a number of Littlefinger’s Redshirts (steel shirts?) in a number of minutes. (If this was a modern-day show, a vaguely inspirational soundtrack would be playing in the background while she did this, Katy Perry’s Firework maybe, or perhaps, Megan Trainor’s “All About that Bass.”

brienne on a horse

“I’m going to leave them going, OW, OW, OW.”

All Hail, Jamie Fucking Lannister . . . and Bronn jamie lannisterWhen a thinly veiled threat to young Myrcella Baratheon safety comes to Cersei Lannister all the way from Sunny Dorne, via the head of a snake carrying one of Myrcella’s price pieces of jewelry in its teeth, Cersei is outraged. In response, Jamie vows to the sister he sometimes screws and spawns with that he will most certainly save his secret incest daughter / “niece” from certain harm, even if it means traveling to Dorne and retrieving her himself. hot jamOf course, there’s the teensy weensy problem of that whole “one arm” thing. It’s hard to kick ass and take names, when one is incapable of completing even the most essential tasks . . . like, for example, clapping. hand_applause Fortunately, Jamie has no intention of kicking ass and taking names alone. And so he seeks help from the same person Tyrion goes to when he is expected to kick ass and take names, despite, you know, being short, and stuff. It’s Bronn, of course. Jamie finds Bronn walking along the beach with a woman named Lollys, whose hand in marriage Cersei Lannister offered him as a thank you for his bravery in battle during a recent round of Game of Thrones. bronn and lady laaThat’s one of the shitty things about being a woman during Game of Thrones era, your hand in marriage could be issued as a prize for good game performance, like a stuffed bear in a carnival game. Other bad things about being a lady during the Game of Thrones era include the whole toilet situation, and never being able to wear jeans . . .

marg 3

“Jamie Fucking Lannister,” shouts out Bronn, upon seeing the Artist Formerly Known as Kingslayer (and really, when you think about it, Fucking is pretty much the most appropriately descriptive middle name for Jamie Lannister ever).

“Help me win back my secret incest daughter from Dorne, and I’ll let you marry someone way hotter and richer than Lollys . . . no offense Lollys,” Jamie proposes to Bronn.

Bronn agrees, because Dorne is pretty much the Cancun/ Cabo San Lucas of Game of Thrones. SPRING BREAK BABY! But also because Lollys = meh . . .

bronn and jam

Sorry Lollys, better luck next “Be the first to pop a balloon in a clown’s mouth using a water pistol, win a wife.”

There will be Sand Snakes

Much like Emily Thorne on Revenge, Ellaria Sand of Dorne, is very much ready to pull out her Red Sharpie, and draw a murderous circle and, eventually, an X, on everyone indirectly involved in the violent death of her deceased lover Oberon Martell, including young prepubescent Myrcella whose only involvement in Oberon’s death is that she happens to have a last name that rhymes with “Bannister.” vengeance

“We do not mutilate young girls in Dorne,” exclaims Oberon’s sensible older brother, Doran. “Nor do we own Red Sharpie Markers, very tacky. Writing in one’s own blood is so much classier and less expensive.”

that guy

“You must be at least this tall to ride this ride, and or suffer a brutal torture ending in decapitation.”

“Yeah, whatever. We’ll see about that,” replies Ellaria, who jets off in search of her daughter’s, the Sand Snakes,   in hopes that they will not share Doran’s uptight, old fashioned, views about the whole “mutilation of tweens” thing.

“The Best Part of Her for the Best Part of Me.”

Growing bored and restless from his interminable travels with Varys, Tyrion tries out some of his best comedic material on his bald and ball-less friend. “Did you know that Cersei has offered her hand in marriage to the first man that brings her back my head on a platter?” Tyrion begins gamely. “My head for her cunt. The best part of her, for the best part of me.”

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“People like you and me were never meant to be satisfied with life in a box,” Varys replies sagely.

“I don’t get it,” answers Tyrion, in frustration. “Does that mean you liked my joke, or you didn’t?” They keep riding, and nothing much else happens with them throughout the course of the hour.

mad-varI, for one, liked Tyrion’s head-for-cunt joke though!

Derek Zoolander Shireen Baratheon School for Kids Characters on the Show Who Can’t Read Good

In other non-essential to the plot news, Shireen Baratheon teaches Samwell’s new nagging sort-of wife Wildling to read, while the two girls casually gossip about greyscale, the disease that makes Shireen’s face look a little crumply on one side. learn to read good“I had a sister with Greyscale once,” offers Gilly conversationally. “My parents thought she was a monster, and threw in an outhouse, where she lived for three weeks, screaming like a monster until she ate herself alive.” Thus, proving that you can teach a Wildling to “read good,” but you can’t teach them tact . . .

What a Girl Wants . . .

too battle

Back near the Lincoln Memorial with Fancy Doors   White Castle that doesn’t sell hamburgers House of Black and White, Arya goes shopping for groceries and gets into a tussle with some hoodlums, who want to take her precious sword away. But before Arya can add these dickwads names to her Anti-Santa list, grumpy old homeless looking black man comes by, and scares them all away. Intrigued, Arya follows grumpy old homeless-looking black man back to White Castle.

“Why were those guys afraid of you?” Arya asks, “Is it just because you are old, grumpy, and homeless looking?”

“Nope,” replies grumpy old homeless-looking black man, who takes off his face to reveal his true identity, which is . . . SURPRISE Jaqen Hagar! jagensurprised-face“Cool! Teach me how to do that,” replies Arya. “A girl must become no one,” replies Jaqen cryptically.

“OK, but that doesn’t explain how I rip off my face and become a grumpy old homeless looking black guy,” Arya replies.

But she follows Jaqen into the House of Black and White, anyway . . . Hopefully, he shares Doran Martell’s philosophy about not mutilating young girls, otherwise Arya is SCREWEEEEEDDDD!

Jon Snow – Prom King For Change

president of night

Back on the Wall, Stannis offers to recognize Jon Snow as a true Stark, son of recently decapitated Eddard Stark, and heir to Winterfell, if the long curly-haired man is willing to leave his post on the wall, and fight on Stannis’ side in the battle for the Iron Throne. (You can do that? Legitimize the birth of someone you are not at all related to, just by saying so? In that case, I am proud to announce I’m actually the daughter of Warren Buffet. Now, give me my money.)

Stannis_Baratheon_in_Castle_Black_with_Jon_Snow

Jon Snow thanks Stannis, but feels a lifelong obligation to remain on the Wall, where he is popular and, more importantly, alive. After all, everyone knows that carrying a name like Stark means certain death, unless you are a woman, or a boring character nobody likes like Bran . . .

Later on that day, Jon Snow attends a meeting where the men on the wall vote the most popular among them to be Commander . . . basically it’s a popularity contest like prom queen, only without the ladies, and the goofy corsages. During the nominations portion of the meeting, two old guys nominate to other popular old guys for the position. Because, apparently, on the Wall, being old, is the high school prom king equivalent of being the quarterback of the football team, and dating the head cheerleader.

Then, Samwell Tarly surprises everyone and nominates Jon Snow. “My buddy may not be old, but he’s super attractive, and popular with the ladies,” Samwell offers. “Also, the last time we had a battle, he didn’t pussy out, and hide in an outhouse with the pregnant women and babies.”

like a wizard

Since none of the men on the Wall have attended Shireen Baratheon’s School for Characters Who Can’t Read Good, filling out ballots for Wall Prom King is out of the question. So, the members of the Wall vote for their prom king by putting blocks on the stick representing the candidate they think is the most popular.

on the block

In the end, there’s a tie between Jon Snow and one of the other old guys. “I’ll break the tie,” offers the blind guy, who is heading up the proceedings. He places the winning block on Jon Snow’s stick. But who knows if that’s what he actually wanted to do, or if he was just making an educated guess . . .

funny aemon

“Eeny meeny miney mo, catch a prom king by the phallus.”

Long story short, Jon Snow wins Prom King, and, in doing so, gives up the chance to (1) be referred to as Jon Stark, (2) possibly be murdered in a brutal and disturbing fashion, mere episodes after the name change. All Hail, Jon Snow. Sorry, old dudes. But hey, winning Mr. Congeniality is nothing to sneeze at either . . .

In which, Dany loses a head, and gets back a dragon.

While Jon Snow is winning his popularity contest, Dany screws hers up in a major way, by making a political blunder that is so misguided, it makes Anthony Weiner’s sexting scandal look like a mere hiccup. It all starts when Daario and Greyworm find and arrest the dude that killed their balless friend last week.

the mask

Dany insists that the murderer receive a fair trial for his potential misdeeds. But then one of her young sycophants gets the grand idea to sneak into his jail cell and murder him, before he has a chance to do that. “I did it for you,” whines the sycophant, pathetically.

soon to be dead guy

Dany’s advisors warn her against behaving rashly in response to this direct disregard of her authority, which was probably committed as a way to get into the Khaleesi’s royal bloomers anyway. “Don’t make your father’s mistakes,” sagely remarks one of these advisors.

“You mean, by becoming a doddering nutjob who talks to himself, cross dresses, and burns people alive for fun?” Dany inquires.

realsies

“No, by inflicting your own morals on your people, and not ruling them in harmony with their own value systems,” corrects the wizened advisor. Dany reminds everyone she’s a teenager, who is allergic to taking good advice, when she publiclly orders the beheading the sycophant for flouting her authority, despite the Mereenites outcries that she offer him mercy.

head cut

“Is it too late for me to speak to my lawyer?”

Even the former slaver/ upper class Mereenites, who, you would think, would support Dany for being an equal opportunity beheader, don’t seem particularly impressed. Then the formerly enslaved Mereenites start doing this weird hissing thing, like fans at a basketball game attempting to distract the opposing team from scoring points.

hissing

At this point, I was very confused. Were they hissing at Dany? The former slaver Mereenites?   The beheaded sycophant? Dany’s sexy boyfriend Daario?

decree

“Nahhhh.”

Then, the former slaver Mereenites and formerly enslaved Mereenites start kicking one another’s ass, and it all becomes clear to me.  So, much for unifying the people of Mereen, Dany. Perhaps, you are better off sticking to what you are good at, conquering, and having your dragons blow up sh*t, and leave the actual ruling to someone else . . . for now, anyway. no mercy to youSpeaking of dragons, Dany’s favorite eldest scaly son stops by for a quick visit with mom, before heading back on his quest to burn down the world . . .

miss me lady

“I just wanted to come back, and tell you how much fun I’ve been having on my world travels . . . so much fun, in fact, that you are technically the Grandmother of Dragons, now.”

He’s like a college kid, popping home for a solid meal and clean laundry, before returning to campus for a kickass keggar, basically. But mother Dany doesn’t mind being used in the least. Instead, she takes comfort in the reminder that, even when the entire human world is giving her a big fat middle finger, she will always be the Mother of Dragons.

And that was “House of Black and White” in a nutshell. See ya next time, folks! little finger eye wag

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