Tag Archives: Jenna Ushkowitz

Dance Your Pants Off! – A Recap of Glee’s “Prom Queen”

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“You can get married as many times as you want, but there is only one prom,”  says Quinn Febray, during Glee’s epic PROM EPISODE. 

“This is how I decided to spend the alimony payments from each of my five ex-husbands.  One lame tiara, for each lame man.”

Ahhh . . . the Prom Episode, every teen show has one.  And only some of them are actually worth watching.  After all, when it comes to prom episodes, there’s a whole lot of CLICHE to go around:  the Pre-Prom Pictures, the Ugly Duckling Transformation, the Long, Slow Walk Down the Stairs, while the Admiring Boyfriend Looks On, the Inevitably Fight Over a Girl (or Guy), the Romantic Slow Dance Moment, and, of course, the crowning of the Prom’s King and Queen.  And with cliches, comes a WHOLE LOT OF OPPORTUNITIES to be unmemorable . . .

A MAJOR Opportunity for a Cliche is RIGHT HERE!  It’s a GOOD THING that these two didn’t win Prom King and Queen.  That’s all I’m saying!  (Oh, and Finn?  1985 called.  It REALLY wants your powder blue cumberbund back . . .)

Fortunately, Glee’s “Prom Queen” managed to deftly sidestep all of the typical Prom Episode Traps that were just waiting to trip it up.  The result was a genuinely fun-filled, toe-tapping, heart warming, tear-inducing, hour of television. 

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Oh, you RIDE THAT PONY, Santana!  Ride it hard!

My fellow Gleeks, the time has come to zip up those dresses, strap on the corsages, spike the punch, and practice dancing the night away, in those ridiculously uncomfortable high heels.  In the iconic words of Sam Evan’s “Who’s ready for some PROM?”

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I Love it When Glee Gets All Self-Deprecating and Self-Referential!

“Give me back my BALLS, B*tch!”

The moment I knew that I was going to LOVE this week’s installment of Glee occurred about two minutes into the episode, when Jacob Ben-Israel shoved a microphone in Puck’s face, and asked him a question that was purportedly given to him by “fans at home: “Where does Lauren keep your balls?”

“Fans from Home,” INDEED!  I think MANY of us have been asking ourselves this very question, ever since the writers made the BIZARRE decision to couple Puck and Lauren, back during the Valentine’s Day episode.   So, it’s comforting to know that at least SOMEONE in the writers’ room is listening.  Because, as much as I desperately want to have sex with ADORE my Sexy Puck-meister . . .

. . . even I must admit that he does act a tad “Neutered Puppy”-esque when hanging around a certain Full-Figured Female.

Cute?  Definitely!  Bad Ass?  Not exactly . .  .

 And did you notice how Puck and Lauren had virtually no scenes together, this week?  I smell PROGRESS! 

Strike THREE, Zizes!  YOU’RE OUT!

That being said, the fact that Puck chose to “up his street cred” this week, by (1) NOT spiking the Prom Punch; and (2) rocking out to a rather annoying song written by a 13-year old, leads me to question whether or not Lauren not only chopped off his manhood when she started dating him, but gave him a LOBOTOMY too . . .

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That being said, I still want to attend a party in his pants . . .

In other META-news, when Principal Figgins asks Mr. Schue if his Glee kids could perform at prom (Apparently, Air Supply canceled AGAIN!  Stupid Air Supply!) . . .

. . . Sue Sylvester pipes in with a list of all of the WORST SONGS EVER PERFORMED on Glee by the Glee Club.  Included on this list, of course, are . . .

“Run, Joey, Run”

(Coincidentally, it is from the video of “Run, Joey, Run” that I obtained my absolute FAVORITE, and, admittedly, very much overrused, Sexy White-Tank Wearing Puck GIF, which you may have noticed above.)

AND . . .

 that ridiculous “Hair” / “Crazy in Love” Mashup . . .

Now, THIS was REALLY BAD!

One thing that’s gotta be said for Glee, when the show messes up, at least it’s willing to ADMIT IT . . . most of the time, anyway.

So, Who’s YOUR Prom Date?

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Was it just me, or did Brittany seem unusually smart, this week?  Perhaps, when Lauren cut off the frontal lobe of Puck’s brain, she ended up donating it to the web host of Fondue for Two . . .

There was a bit of intrigue, early on in the episode, regarding which Glee kids would take which other Glee kids to prom.  (Because, HEAVEN FORBID, any of them take NON-CAST MEMBERS, right?)  I mean, we already knew that Finn was going to take Quinn (yawn), Mike was going to take Tina (zzzzzz), Puck was going to take Lauren (BOO!), and Santana and Karofsky were going to be eachother’s closeted dance partners.  But it was interesting to see the, usually proud and independent, Mercedes so decidedly bummed about not having a date .  . .

MERCEDES:  “I can’t understand why no one has asked me to prom yet?”

RACHEL:  “Do you think it might have something to do with the fact that you are wearing a HUGE, SCARY OPEN MOUTH on your chest?”

Some have argued that Mercedes sudden interest in having a boyfriend, when she has seemed to show NO INTEREST WHATSOEVER, in the past, seems out of character, and more like a Plot Device, than anything else.  However, I kind of feel like Mercedes is someone who hides her insecurities behind a cloak of false bravado.  And, as such a person, she would sooner knock something she can’t have, than admit that she truly wants it.  That being said, I love that Mercedes’ friendship with Rachel has evolved to the point where the former can be truly honest with the latter, about her hopes and dreams. 

Ho’s Before Bro’s!

Speaking of Rachel, we all know she can be SUPER selfish sometimes.  So, it was really refreshing to see her take others’ needs into consideration, this week. 

Finny LIKE!

She did this by orchestrating a group date between Mercedes, Sam, and herself so that (1) all of them had dates to the prom; and (2) Sam’s financial situation did not keep him from attending.  Way to go, Rach!

Trouty Mouth is very pleased!

“I am a TOTAL PIMP!”

Meanwhile, Blaine struggles with his own insecurities about attending prom with Kurt, as a result of a traumatic experience, during Blaine’s public school days, when he was beat up for attending a Sadie Hawkins dance with one of his gay friends . ..

In an Awesome Mutually Mature Boyfriend Moment, Kurt, despite obviously REALLY wanting to attend the prom, tells Blaine that he would be willing to skip the event, if Blaine feels uncomfortable with it.  Likewise, Blaine, though clearly not without reservations, loves Kurt so much, that he is willing to face up to his deepest, darkest, fears in order to make Kurt happy.  (By the way, I love how, when Kurt asks Blaine to the prom he actually refers to him as “Blaine Warbler.”  SO CUTE!) 

LOL!  The maker of this picspam and I clearly share a brain. . .

Secretly hoping that their public acts of kindness will win them points in the Prom King and Queen Race, Team Beard, Santana and Karofsky offer to give Kurt round the clock protection from bullying (well . . . at least during school hours).

This inevitably results in some VERY interesting and intense moments between Kurt and Karofsky, which I plan to discuss more fully in just a bit.  But, for now, let’s talk about Artie . . .

Dear, sweet, Artie!  You broke my heart many times over this week, from your Fashion Disaster Prom Wardrobe (Elvis Hair?   Orange Suit?  Ruffled Shirt?  NO!  NO and HELL NO!), to your defeated (and, let’s face it, slightly pathetic) acceptance of torture at the hands of Sue Sylvester.  But nothing you did this week, broke my heart like your failed serenade of Brittany. 

“I know you are mad at me now, but I was wondering if you would possibly be interested in having a threesome with Santana and me?  Best of both worlds, right?”

Sure, you called her stupid, which was probably the ONE thing you could have said to Brittany that would get her to dump you.  And, yes, you kind of added insult to injury, by singing, of all songs, Stevie Wonder’s “Isn’t She Lovely” to her, which is, after all, a song about a NEWBORN BABY . . .

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The lyrics, “Less than ONE MINUTE OLD,” should have probably clued you in to that one . . .

But still, to be shot down, in front of an ENTIRE HOME ECONOMICS class, because your ex tells you that she would rather go to her prom ALONE, and have hot sex with Santana dance with lots of random guys, instead of YOU . . . now that’s GOTTA HURT!  Artie, if I wasn’t sure it would give me a painful electrical shock (I’ve actually tried this before . . . “smart” . . . I know), I probably would have hugged you right through the television screen . . .

Everybody Loves Rachel . . . for a change (well, except, maybe, for Quinn)

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Yes!  They are fighting over ME!  Rachel Berry!  Everybody loves ME!  I’m awesome. Oh, boys!  Stop fighting!  This is terrible!  Someone is going to get hurt . . . and I can’t afford to break my nose, again.”

Rachel Berry may already have TWO dates to the prom.  But she’s about to get at least one more (and, if Eye F*&king counts as “dating,” possibly TWO more).  We see Rachel practicing her solo number for the prom, Adele’s “Rolling in the Deep.”  Then, seemingly out of nowhere (Seriously, is there NO security at this school?) Jesse St. James magically appears in the auditorium, transforming her already highly emotive solo into an extremely sexually-tense duet . . .

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You can check out the pair’s full performance here . . .

Whatever you may have felt about the so-called “St. Berry pairing” back in Season 1, and it’s unfortunate, not to mention, completely out-of-the-blue, ending . . .

Sunny side down?

 . . . the sexual chemistry between Jonathan Groff and Lea Michele is undeniable (which is odd, considering that Groff is so clearly GAY).  And never is the pair more on fire, than when they are mutually breaking into song.  If you recall, this is precisely how the couple’s relationship first began . . .

JESSE: “I’ve always wanted to have sex with a woman on top of a piano.  It’s very Pretty Woman.”

RACHEL:  “But we are in a library . . . and there are old people in the background, watching us.”

JESSE: “Doesn’t that turn you on?”

RACHEL: “Not really.”

JESSE:  “Work with me here.  I’m trying to get you laid.”

Though, admittedly, I prefer the original Adele version of “Rolling in the Deep” to what “Rachel and Jesse” performed here, both the acting and directing of this scene are positively flawless.  I love the way the singers’ facial expressions alternate from almost angry, to wistful, to attracted, to indifferent, to competitive, and, finally, to joyous at various points throughout the number.  I also appreciate the way Rachel and Jesse circle one another around the piano, as they sing, engaging in what seems to be a strange, and undoubtedly sexual, mating dance between predator and prey . . . lover and scorned . . . where the participants are each simultaneously playing both roles.

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JESSE:  “There is something different about you.  Did you get a nose job?”

RACHEL: “No, Jesse!  I decided against doing that.  Geez!  Don’t you watch Glee?”

As it turns out, Jesse, who was supposedly a senior in high school, during the show’s first season, has (conveniently) dropped out of college, and now (also conveniently) wishes to start his own business as a consultant to Glee Clubs and show choirs.  His reason for breaking into McKinley High?  Well, it seems to be two-fold: 

(1) He wishes to apologize to Rachel for the whole “egg-head” business.  Apparently, selling his girlfriend out for a fourth consecutive championship win of a HIGH SCHOOL competition seems short-sighted to him, in hindsight  (Gee, ya think?); and

(2) He knew Rachel’s prom was coming up, and wanted to take her.  (You know . . . because college guys always keep track of rival high school’s social calendars, while they are away.)

Was this a contrived way for the writers to bring back this character?  Absolutely.  And yet, I’m actually really excited about Jesse’s return, not only because I enjoy his interactions with Rachel (She tends to be WAY less whiny and annoying, when she’s with him.), but because I’m positively THRILLED about what his return is going to do to Finn . . .

Watch out Finn-y!  Your emotions are showing!

Speaking of Finn, he sure seemed to be All Aboard the Rachel Train, this week, didn’t he?  The minute Finn learned that Rachel was considering taking Jesse to prom, he suddenly seemed SUPER CONCERNED about Rachel “getting her heart broken again.” 

 (After all, the only person allowed to break Rachel’s heart is FINN, right?) 

Rachel rightly tells Finn to go f*&k himself, that, as someone who’s currently dating Quinn, he has NO RIGHT to weigh in on Rachel’s romantic rendezvous.  Rachel (Bless her heart, girlfriend was pure PERFECTION this episode!) then proceeds to make Finn even SORRIER about dating the wrong girl, by expertly offering him advice on how to purchase the perfect corsage for his ACTUAL girlfriend but probably not for long Quinn.  (“A Gardenia . . . with a green ribbon around it .  .  . to match her eyes,” Rachel suggests).

Oh, Finn!  You poor smitten, little boy!  You are SO SCREWED!

Tension rises between Finn and Jesse, when the two encounter one another at Breadsticks (which, apparently, is the only restaurant in Lima, Ohio) later in the episiode.  Finn, in a not-so-subtle allusion to the “Little Game of Egg Toss” Jesse played with Rachel’s head, last season, asks the college dropout, if he ordered “eggs” for dinner. 

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In return, Jesse makes a few snide remarks about Finn’s bad dancing skills .  . .

Ahem . . .

 . . . even going as far as to offer HIMSELF to QUINN as a dance partner, when she gets tired of Finn-y Boy stepping on her feet.

Jesse – 1, Finn – 0

At the prom, when Rachel sings her solo number to Christina Perri’s “Jar of Hearts”  (What happened to “Rolling in the Deep”?) Finn, who just so happens to be dancing with Quinn at the time, keeps leering at Rachel, as if he wants to swallow her whole . . .

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And, later, when Jesse starts getting all hot and handsy with Rachel on the dance floor . . .

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 . . . Finny Boy conveniently misinterprets Rachel’s nearly orgasmic reaction as displeasure and TOTALLY SNAPS, attacking Jesse like a wild drooling rabid dog, who hasn’t eaten in weeks.  This, of course, gets BOTH Jesse and Finn promptly tossed out of the prom.  Quinn is upset by this, because she BELIEVES it will prevent her from winning prom queen.  But, in all honesty, she actually doesn’t win, because nobody really likes her . . .

Take that, Lucy Caboosey!

The smallest little violin in the world begins playing, as Quinn rushes off sobbing to the bathroom (“I’m not going to be prom queen, BOO HOO HOO!  My life is over.  I’m transferring schools  . . . AGAIN,” she wails.)

And Rachel, ever the glutton for punishment, actually rushes in to comfort this b*tch.  (Seriously, Rachel was like SUPERHUMANLY ANGELIC this week.  This means that, next week, the writers will probably make her Evil Incarnate.)  So, what does Rachel get for trying to be a decent human being to Quinn in her so-called hour of need?  Well, she gets THIS . . .

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But, like I said, Rachel COULD DO NO WRONG this week.  And even after Quinn gives her “free blush” on one side of her face, Rachel sticks around to find out why Quinn is “so upset.” 

Well, for starters, Quinn is upset because she currently wants Finn.  Tomorrow, she might want Puck.  And the day after, she might want Sam.  But today, it’s Finn.  And the day Quinn wants someone, she’ll be DAMNED if he’s interested in someone else!

What I found interesting about Quinn’s “little speech,” was that she seemed LESS upset about the fact that Finn seems currently more attracted to Rachel, than to her, and MORE upset about the fact that OTHER people noticed that, and, (she thinks) didn’t select them as Prom King and Queen because of it.  Way to keep your priorities straight, girl!

“Oh, don’t cry Quinn . . . it gives you wrinkles.”

The other thing Quinn claims to be worried about, is something the writers ALWAYS have her character worry about, every time they want to make her “sympathetic” to the audience.  Quinn complains to Rachel that life is SO MUCH HARDER for her, than it is for Rachel, because, unlike Rachel Quinn is just so pretty.  And as a result of her ridiculous attractiveness (and lack of other redeeming qualities), post-high school life for Quinn might actually end up being pretty darn disappointing. 

I hate to say it, but Quinn’s probably right about her future . . . 

Nonetheless, Rachel lies through her teeth, assuring Quinn that she’s more than just a pretty face.   She’s a better person than me, that Rachel.  That’s for DAMN sure!

You know who else is a MUCH better person than I am? EVERYBODY Kurt Hummel.

Kurt Reigns Over the Prom

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One of the coolest things about Kurt Hummel, I think, is that he’s not just content to be an out-and-proud teen.  Rather, Kurt sees it as his personal mission to educate teens and adults on having tolerance for various alternative lifestyles.  And though that Bizarre Kilt Thing Kurt wanted to wear to prom, SERIOUSLY freaked out his dad, Finn and Blaine, not to mention rivaled only ARTIE’S tuxedo, as the WORST PROM OUTFIT ever . . .

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 . . . I still respected the courage it took for Kurt to wear it.  Speaking of respect, I think Karofsky gained a whole lot of it for Kurt, when the latter found it in his heart, not just to forgive the former for bullying him, but also to take pity on the pain he was experiencing as a closeted gay youth . . .

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Kurt’s kindness, and his recognition of Karofsky’s inner turmoil, causes the normally stoic jock to break down into uncharacteristic tears.  Moved by Karofsky’s display of emotion, Kurt encourages him to stop hiding his true self, and come out of the closet “not tomorrow, but when you can.”

Unfortunately, things take a turn for the worst at prom, when Puck and Sam sing Rebecca Black’s Friday, which, though better than the original version, still makes me want to clean out my ears with bleach . . .

SAM:  “We are SO going to get our asses kicked for doing this song, aren’t we?”

PUCK: “Mmmm hmm.”

 . . . Karofsky gets crowned Prom King . . .

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Well, I guess that’s not such a bad thing, in and of itself.  But then, in a cruel twist, the McKinley High School kids insensitively nominate KURT as Prom Queen, causing both him AND Santana, to run out of the auditorium in tears.

Blaine sweetly comforts Kurt outside by the lockers, offering him the same comforting safety net, Kurt had offered him back when he worried about attending the prom in the first place.  “We don’t have to stay here, you know.  We can leave and never look back.”  But Kurt isn’t ready to accept defeat just yet.  Instead, he decides to (1) return to the auditorium and get coronated; (2) dance to Mercedes’ and Santana’s rendition of “Dancing Queen;” and (3) in doing so, impliedly, tell all the homophobes in his student body to go F*&k Themselves . . .

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(By the way, PRINCIPAL FIGGINS, the kids at your school play a practical joke on a gay male student, by electing him prom queen, and YOU allow him to be coronated to the tune of DANCING QUEEN, of all songs!  FOR SHAME!)

That being said, since it WAS Mercedes and Santana singing, don’t you think they could have . . . I don’t know . . . sang a DIFFERENT SONG?  Like “Macho Man,” perhaps? 😉

For a moment, it looks as though Karofsky might muster up the courage to actually dance with Kurt.  But, seeing his classmates’ reaction to Kurt’s bold acceptance of the crown, frightens Karofsky to his core.  And, at the last second, Karofsky runs from the auditorium, once again, in tears.  Fortunately, Blaine is standing right behind Kurt at the time, and is more than willing to “have this dance” with him.

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(Speaking of Blaine, his rocking out to the most awkwardly titled song ever, the “I’m Not Going to Teach Your Boyfriend How to Dance,” was pretty awesome, right?   Now, don’t get me wrong,, it’s not that I particularly love the song.  But boyfriend SURE CAN DANCE!  Plus, I found the number refreshingly non-Warbler-esque, which was great . . . for me, anyway!)

I mentioned Santana, earlier.  She shared a very sweet scene with Brittany outside the auditorium, in which she tearfully wondered why everyone hated her, just because SHE hated THEM. 🙂  An unusually-wise-this-week Brittany argued that the rest of the school didn’t vote for Santana because they would rather play a mean joke on Kurt because they can somehow tell that she’s not being true to herself.  (Now, that’s a nice idea and all.  But, then, how did KAROFSKY win?) 

Argument fallacies aside, my heart warmed a bit, when Brittany told Santana that if she “embraced the awesomeness of who she is, she would have won.”  Now, honestly, I’m not sure I believe that .  . . but it was a sweet thing to say, nonethless. 

And when Brittany politely told Santana to stop whining, pull her head out of her ass, and be supportive to Kurt in his time of need, well, that was EVEN sweeter . . .

Wearer of the Worst Prom Outfit Ever . . . meet the Worst Plotline Ever.

As I sort of mentioned earlier, there was also this sort of bizarre storyline, in which Puck convinced Artie to spike the punch at the dance . . . and then Sue Sylvester CAUGHT Artie doing it . . . so she randomly tortured him with dental tools . . . until she found out that he DIDN’T actually spike the punch? 

Yeah . . . rest assured, that plotline was about as random, and annoying to watch, as it probably was to read.  So,I’m not going to spend any more time on it than what you see here.  . .  except to say that, perhaps, the whole point of the storyline was simply to once-again punish Artie for wearing that Ugly Ass Suit . . .

Don’t worry Artie!  Everyone makes mistakes!  Next week will be better for you, I promise.  (Because, we all know it can’t get much worse!)

So, that was basically “Prom Queen” in a nutshell.   Next week’s Glee installment, entitled “Funeral,” promises to be a much darker episode. . . not to mention, a deadlier one.  You can check out the promo for THAT episode HERE . . .

Now, it’s time to start speculating, my fellow Gleeks, if you haven’t started already.  Which cast member do you think has already sung his (or her) final Swan Song?  Tune in next week to find out . . .

[www.juliekushner.com]

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The Secret (and Scandalous) Lives of Gleeks – A Recap of Glee’s “Rumours”

Of all the secrets revealed in this week’s episode of Glee, this one, about Lord Tubbington, was probably the most shocking . . .

I’ve got a secret.  (Shhh!  Don’t tell anyone.) 

Before seeing this episode of Glee, I knew next to nothing about Fleetwood Mac.  I didn’t know who they were, or what songs they sang, or why their band name sounds like something you’d see on the menu at McDonalds. 

“I’ll have a Fleetwood Mac with Cheese, please.”

Come to think of it, saying I knew “next to nothing” about Fleetwood Mac was probably a bit generous, on my part.  Right?

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And since this week’s Glee installment was based entirely on ONE Fleetwood Mac album (entitled, appropriately enough “Rumors”) I’m at a bit of a disadvantage, in terms of writing this recap. 

But one thing I DO know a lot about is GOSSIP.  After all, EVERYBODY gossips.  GOSSIP IS FUN . . . at least, when it’s not about YOU.  Fortunately, all of the gossip in this week’s episode is about the GLEE KIDS (and Will).  So, we can just sit back, relax, and enjoy the train wrecks that are OTHER people’s lives, for a change! 

Sorry Mr. Schue!

So, what are we waiting for?  Let’s start spreading those NASTY rumors, we all secretly love so much!

Santana “bats for the Pink Team,” Mike Chang has a big . . . eggroll, and Brittany’s cat EATS CHEESE!

“So, let me get this straight . . . it’s a show . . . within a show . . . within a recap .  . . about the show.  How META!”

 Geez!  For a television character who doesn’t know how to sign her own name, only writes in crayon, and was once quoted as saying that she “[doesn’t] know how to turn on a computer,” Brittany S. Pearce sure is tech savvy! 

“I don’t even know what either of those words mean.”

I mean, it’s not easy to create your own online webshow, complete with expert camera handling (Who exactly was supposed to be filming that bit, anyway?), a VERY catchy opening theme song, and snazzy on-screen graphics!  And yet, somehow, Brittany hosts Fondue for Two, which I’m pretty sure is the best web program ON THE PLANET! 

(I’m serious!  More of THIS, please!)

Perhaps, one of the coolest things about Fondue for Two (aside from it teaching us that Mike Chang’s abs aren’t the only part of his body that’s “firm and strong”) . . .

“My boyfriend’s Hot Dog is THIS BIG!”

I find that offensive.”

 . . . was that it finally introduced us to BRITTANY’S CAT, LORD TUBBINGTON!

Now THOSE are some hot abs . . .

Though Lord Tubbington (or as I like to refer to him Tubbie Bear) had never appeared on Glee before, his reputation certainly proceeds him.  After all, he and Brittany have what you would call a “love-hate relationship.”  Remember when Brittany worried that her cat was reading her diary? 

A younger (and slightly thinner) Lord Tubbington caught in the act . . .

How, about the time when Brittany became convinced that her dentist, Dr. Carl, was actually her cat in disguise?

“Mind if I lick your face?”

And, this week, Brittany let Lord Tubbington eat cheese right out of her fondue pot (He’s on the Atkins Diet), and get interviewed on her web show, even though she “knows he started smoking again.”

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LORD TUBBINGTON THINKS:  “Dammit, she must have found my secret stash in the litter box.  I thought I buried it really deep too!”

Personally, I’m hoping Tubbie Bear becomes a series regular on the show, complete with his own solo number and love interest . . .

“What’s new, Pussy Cat?”

Sue’s Evil Plan to Ruin # 5,672 (and 5,673)

Breaking News:  Sue Sylvester just signed on to play an Extra in Avatar 2 – Electric Boogaloo

Back in Evil Villain Land, Sue inexplicably dresses up as a scary aging rockstar, and an even scarier Republican . . .

This image gave me nightmares.

Apparently, some one in the writers room thought this was really funny / a good idea.  That makes one of us . . .

Anywhoo . . . this week Sue tries to bring down the Glee Club, by starting a newspaper, who’s sole purpose is to spread rumors, through fake blind items about Glee Club members . . .

Terri’s idea to ruin the Glee club is a bit more practical.  She calls upon April Rhodes . . .

SURPRISE, Glee Fan!  You’ve just won Another Recycled Guest Star!

 . . .  and convinces her to invite Will to star with her in her own Broadway production about her life (Such a humble character, that April!).  After all, Terri knows that Will has always wanted to take his shot at succeeding on the Great White Way . . .

Sing it, Schuester!

And if April can convince him to move to New York with her, not only will Sue get Will out of the Glee club, Terri will get Will out of his apartment, so SHE can move back in.  (Pretty clever, right?)

And today’s lesson is . . .

OMG!  What is with these bizarre facial expressions?  Step aside, Jim Carrey!  Hollywood has a Brand New Rubberface (who probably charges a whole lot less than you do . . .)

Just as planned, Sue’s blind items tear the Glee club to shreds!  First Santana calls Brittany out for OUTING her as LEBANESE in public.  (As it turns out, when she said Santana was “batting for the other team,” she was actually only referring to extracurricular activities.)  Meanwhile, Finn thinks Quinn is cheating on him with Sam; Quinn thinks Finn is cheating on HER with Rachel; and Artie thinks Brittany is cheating on HIM with Santana (which, of course, she TOTALLY is).  It’s just a WHOLE BIG MESS.


But fear not, Gleeks!  Because in our darkest hour, there is only one thing on which we can count: Will Schuester and his Lucky Episode Sponsor Lesson of the Week . . .  That’s right boys and girls!  To teach his little kiddies the importance of being able to rise above the hurtful power of rumors, Will has chosen to force his class to sing songs who’s lyrics revolve around the hurtful power of rumors.  an album that actually has little to do with secrets or gossip, but just so happens to be called “Rumours.”  HOORAY!

Will’s idea is that since, singing these particular songs, helped keep Fleetwood Mac from breaking up, covering them will keep New Directions from falling apart.  IT’S GENIUS!  (Well . . . not really . . . but we can pretend, right?)

Will’s Dreams . . . are Dead . . . (Or Are They?)

To kick things off, Will introduces Three-Time Guest Star April Rhodes (One more appearance, and she wins a free dinner at The Olive Garden Breadsticks) to the class AGAIN.  April then proceeds to bump, grind, and inappropriately seduce the underage males in the class (and Will) with her rendition of Fleetwood Mac’s “Dreams.”

Like I said, the relationship this particular song has to “rumors” is pretty tenuous.  But April does a nice job with it, and the kids seem to enjoy it enough.  April continues her plot to seduce Will over to the Dark Side of the Great White Way, through (1) a homecooked meal of Flirtation and Eye F*ckery . . .

Was anybody else watching this scene worried that either April or Will would end up setting their matching butt chins on fire?  Come to think of it . . . that would have been really funny.

. . . and (2) a RIDICULOUSLY BAD original song duet  .  . .

Not surprisingly, by the time April pops the “Come to Broadway with Me” question, Will is already well-primed toward saying “yes.”  Further complicating matters, is a surprisingly supportive, New and Improved / Washes Fruit Significantly Less, Emma . . .

Look guys!  Emma ate this grape off the FLOOR, after only soaking in water it for ONE-HALF HOUR!

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Talk about better living through chemistry!

Anyway, New and Improved Emma thinks Will is “really talented” and should “follow his dreams.”  Hearing this admission causes the Schue to cry.

But, fortunately, having undoubtedly been told by show producers his friends that his Ugly Cry Face would frighten the Boogeyman himself, Will tones it down a notch with the Facial Squinchiness . . .

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Less Ugly Cry Face, More Eye F*&kery and Mutual Fruit Fondling

As it turns out, Will feels genuinely torn between pursuing his dream of fame and fortune, and . . . hanging out with the Glee kids / f*&king washing fruits with Emma . . .  Such a dilemma!

To make matters worse, Sue sends out Brittany to pepper Schue with questions about his Broadway Aspirations (and, of course, what type of underwear he wears . . . inquiring minds want to know).

It looks like the answer is “boxer briefs (with stuffed chickens coming out of the crotch).”

“Will’s Hot Dog is this big . . .”  (Sorry Schue!  It looks like Mike Chang has you beat, this time!)

When THAT doesn’t work, Sue publishes an article in her paper stating that Will has ALREADY decided to leave McKinley for Broadway.  Met with an upset bunch of Glee kids, Will quickly puts rumors of his departure from the cast McKinley to rest.  Nevertheless, based on the pouty, mopey, I just poopied in my boxer brief look on his face, at the end of the episode . . .

. . . coupled with New Directions upcoming trip to Broadway’s NYC for the Glee Club National Competition, I can’t help but think that, for better or worse, this particular storyline is FAR from over . . .

Brittany gets screwed over by EVERYONE (except the chain-smoking, but still very loveable, Lord Tubbington, of course!)

Now, THAT’S an Attractive Cry Face!

Poor Brittany!  She just couldn’t win this week!  First a TRUE rumor gets published in the school newspaper that she’s been cheating on Artie with Santana.  When Artie confronts her about it, Brittany informs him that SANTANA told HER that having sex with a GIRL does not equal cheating on your BOYfriend.  Artie accuses Santana of manipulating Brittany into engaging in Horizontal Lebanese Dancing with her. 

And when Brittany comes to Santana’s defense, calling her lover a “good person,” Artie REALLY loses it.  “Why are you SO stupid?”  He asks.

Oh, HELL TO THE NO!”

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“You were the only person who never called me that,” exclaims Brittany, before dashing off, right into SANTANA’S ARMS!

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After EFFING UP ROYALLY, Artie tried to insert his foot in his mouth.  Unfortunately . . . well . . . you know . . . he can’t do that .  . . So, instead, he sang a Fleetwood Mac song, while the entire male student body magically appeared behind him to accompany him on their guitars . . .

“Where the heck did all these people come from?”

The song is called “Never Going Back Again,” and it pretty much symbolizes the end of the “Bartie” relationship, as we know it.  The song goes a little something like this . . . (Click the internal link to view.)

Meanwhile, Santana shares HER true feelings with Brittany (who’s breakup with Artie has her feeling like a “Sad Panda”) . . .

Sad Pandas are AWESOME!

 . . .by serenading her with (SURPRISE!) another Fleetwood Mac song.  This one is called “Songbird.”  And it’s lyrics are about as lovey-dovey / mushy gushy as they come . . .

But sexy lesbian serenades are not enough for Brittany.  She wants Santana out of the closet, and she wants her out NOW, dammit!  Of course, Santana is worried that coming out as a lesbian will cause the kids at school to treat her differently. 

So, Brittany offers to come out, HERSELF first, on Fondue for Two, by asking Santana to prom.  Then, Santana can follow suit.  Sounds like a good idea, right? 

WRONG!  Poor Britt gets STOOD UP on webshow night. (She is forced to interview Tubbie Bear on the show, instead.  Maybe she should ask HIM to prom!)  She is then further insulted, upon hearing Santana purposefully starting rumors about her and Karofsky hooking up, sending the Lebanese Dancer even further back into the closet.  “Vote Santofsky for Prom King and Queen,” Santana exclaims, in an interview with McKinley High’s resident Nerd Ball Jacob Ben Israel . . .

Unfortunately, it like our Poor Sad Panda isn’t going to be a Happy Bamboo Chewing One (See, what I did there?) for at least another week . . .

Thank goodness she has such an Attractive Cry Face, or she’d be TOTALLY screwed!

Stakeouts are fun! (But not nearly as fun as Car Sex!)

RACHEL:  “When people go to hotel rooms to have affairs, don’t they usually CLOSE the curtains?  I mean, we can see those people doing it!”

FINN: (distracted) “You know, I’ve never seen that ‘position’ done before.  It looks rather painful.”

RACHEL:  “I think you are right.  Let’s test it out . . . for scientific purposes, I mean.”

Brittana and Bartie-land isn’t the only place where Love Triangle Angst is brewing!  When a blind item in the school paper suggests that Quinn has been seen spending late nights at a Seedy Motel called, conveniently enough, “The American Family Hotel” (haha!) with Sam, Rachel (out of the “goodness of her heart”) offers to accompany Finn on his “stakeout” of the place.  What they find there is THIS . . .

Rachel (who, at the beginning of the episode, asked Sam to prom and was DENIED) is partially relieved, by this recent turn of events.  Now, she can rest assured that Sam is only not interested in her because he is already taken, not because she is unbearably annoying, as was previously thought.  This also gives Rachel the PERFECT opportunity to get into those Finn Hudson Pantalones!  (HOORAY!)

Silly CAMERA angle!  You cut out the best part!

Of course, when Quinn is confronted about this so-called affair, she denies it.  Furthermore, she accuses FINN of cheating on HER with Rachel.  Then again, these three individuals are ALL such chronic cheaters / bed hoppers, you really can’t blame any of them for not trusting one another . . .

Nevertheless, Rachel attempts to prove that SHE is the right woman for the Satisfy Finn Sexually job through . . . you guessed it . . . yet another Fleetwood Mac song . . .

This one is called, “Go Your Own Way” . . .

The plot thickens when, the NEXT NIGHT, Rachel and Finn car f*ck stake out the Seedy Motel again, only to come upon THIS . . .

I smell a Motel Orgy!

So, NOW, of course, Rachel and Finn are convinced that KURT is cheating on Blaine with SAM . . .

“Take my man from me, and I will SWALLOW YOU WHOLE, Trouty Mouth!”

To add further fuel to the fire, Rachel notices that Sam has started  . . . um . . . wearing Kurt’s CLOTHES . . .

 .  . . (but fortunately nothing from his Ugly Hat Collection).

But Quinn insists that Sam is NOT GAY.  So, eventually, Rachel and Finn see no choice but to comfront  Sam directly at Glee practice . . . in front of EVERYBODY.

“They think I’m a TOTAL male whore .  . . AWESOME!”

Sam then proceeds to make Finn and Rachel feel like Absolute and Complete Sh*t, by informing them that, the reason half the cast has been visiting him at the Sleazebag Motel is that he’s been . . . wait for it . . . LIVING THERE!

Say it ain’t so, Trouty Mouth!

As it turns out, Sam’s dad lost his job, which caused Sam’s family to lose their house, which caused Sam to sell ALL HIS CLOTHES, and move in with his ENTIRE family (including two younger siblings) into this fleabag motel. 

As for Quinn and Kurt, they had both learned about this beforehand (Quinn through her Church Group, and Kurt through Sam delivering pizzas at night to Dalton Academy where Kurt and Blaine regularly grabbed midnight snacks, after rousing rounds of Hard Core Sex), and were simply trying to be supportive to their friend, by lending him clothing, and a shoulder to cry on. 

In a rousing finale, the Glee Club bands together to repurchase Sam’s sold guitar back for him.  Together, the group celebrates Sam’s Newfound Poverty with . . . do I even have to say it . . . a FLEETWOOD MAC song.  This one I actually recognized.  It’s called “Don’t Stop” (which should not be confused with that OTHER “Don’t Stop” song the Glee kids sing.  That song’s title, unlike this one, ends with the word, “Believing”)

And that was “Rumours,” in a nutshell.  As you can probably tell from this recap, it wasn’t exactly my favorite episode.  Yet, “Rumours” did feature some incredible acting on the parts of Chord Overstreet (Who knew Trouty Mouth had it in him?), Naya Rivera, and Heather Morris.  And, of course, there was the adorable Lord Tubbington.

I said it once before, but it bears repeating.

Next week’s prom-themed episode, on the other hand, promises to be SUPER exciting, complete with girlfights, romance, weird wardrobe choices, the return of old villains, and, hopefully, NO MORE FLEETWOOD MAC songs!  You can check out the surprisingly intense trailer for the episiode here:

See, ya next time, Gleeks!

[www.juliekushner.com]

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You Can’t Win ‘Em All! – A Recap of Glee’s ” A Night of Neglect”

Hey, Mike Chang .  . . wanna become be a LESS neglected Glee club member?  Here’s a hint: WEAR LESS CLOTHING!

Welcome back, Gleeks!  Has this most recent Glee hiatus left you feeling neglected . . . unappreciated . . . used up and tossed out, like a snotty old tissue? 

Well, then, you are in luck!  Because this week’s installment of Glee is all about that oh-so-familiar feeling of being left out, passed over, chewed up, and spit out.  Talk about a  “Feel Good Episode!”

So, ball up those tissues.  Break out the comfort food.  And crank up the volume on that SUPER depressing song on your iPOD.  Because it’s time for “A Night of Neglect.”

Brother, can you spare a dime?

“Goodbye, money!  It was nice knowing you!”

So, remember the Super Bowl Episode, when the Cheerios, upon losing their national competition, also lost their ENTIRE extracurricular activity budget, in favor of the Glee club?  And then remember how, for about 3 episodes or so, the normally cash-strapped Glee kids suddenly had enough money, not only to travel to Regionals, but also to purchase massively expensive rotating sectional sofas to use as props for their in-school performances about the dangers of alcohol abuse?

Blame it on the alcohol . . . and a REALLY dumb plotline.

Ummm . .  . yeah, well, apparently, the idea of the Glee club actually having enough CASH to attend Nationals was “inconvenient,” for purposes of this plot.  Therefore, the writers had to find some way to make the Glee kids poor again, thereby forcing them to hold the “fundraiser” around which this episode revolved.  So, the writers decided to have Sue steal the money, and reroute it into an “off-shore bank account.”  SURPRISE!

“Just call me Sue ‘The Scapegoat’ Sylvester . . . everybody else does!”

And yet, assuming Sue HAS all this money (and can use a portion of it on her “precious Cheerios”) why is she even bothering sabotaging the Glee kids (AGAIN), in the first place? 

Of course, to even try and answer this question, would require attributing something to this show that it clearly DOESN’T have . . . continuity.  So, we will just move on from here, OK?

Anywhoo . . . so not only do the Glee kids need cash, but the McKinley High Smarty Pants, an Academic Decathalon Team, which, surprisingly, is made up ENTIRELY of Gleeks (Aren’t ALL after-school activities, on this show?) needs money too!  This gives Will and his temporary guest star new girlfriend Gwyneth Paltrow Holly Holiday the idea to raise money for BOTH after-school activities by (1) selling saltwater taffy; and (2) putting on a benefit concert with, a theme that is very near and dear to both club’s hearts: LOSERS . .  . er . . . I mean . . . “neglected artists.”

*sings*  “Soy un perdedor!  I’m a neglected artist, baby!  So, why don’t you KILL ME?”

Volunteering to perform at the event is Vocal Adrenaline Star, Sunshine Corazon, who has “600 twitter followers,” but still claims that she knows how it feels to be “neglected,” because she is “so very short” and “a much better singer than everybody else.” 

Despite having been burned before, by a member of Vocal Adrenaline, who also supposedly possessed a burning desire to “help out the Enemy” . . .

. . . the Glee kids ultimately let Sunshine audition for the benefit.  After all, they are Ridiculously Stupid, very much in need of the audience members Sunshine promises to bring with her to the venue.

“SUCKERS!”

In what was BY FAR the most riveting performance of the evening, Sunshine sings Celine Dion’s extremely-over played, but STILL fabulous, “All By Myself.”  During her rendition, Sunshine captures the heart of a Very Special Gleek . . .

“Nice knowing, ya, Zizes!  It’s going to be a bright SUNSHINE-y day, without you!”

“Dump me for the Munchkin, and I will LITERALLY eat you for breakfast, PUCKERMAN!”

Check out Sunshine’s spectacular performance (not to mention Puck’s SUPER mushy response to it) here; and you will see EXACTLY what I mean  . . .

Welcome to the Legion of Doom!

 While the Glee kids are hard at work preparing for their Night of Neglect, Sue Sylvester is just as hard at work, making sure it fails miserably.  Except, this time, Sue is not alone in her Nefarious Plotting of this Week’s Evil Deeds.

(Seriously?  Can Sue BE any more of a cartoon villain?  Next thing you know, she will be petting a bald cat, perfecting her Evil Laugh, and blabbering on about World Domination.)

Helping Sue to destroy Glee club, this week, are former New Directions’ advisor, Sandy Ryerson . . .

Nice CAPE, Asshat!

 . . . Vocal Adrenaline Coach, Dustin Goolsby . . .

News Flash:  You are INDOORS!  Take off the sunglasses, Vampire LeDouchebag!

 . . . and Will’s ex-wife, and FAKE Baby Mama, Terri . . .

She’s baaaaaaaack!

For such an “impressive” group of Super Villains, the Leagion of Dooms’ schemes to foil the Night of Neglect actually end up being disappointingly LAME.  These plans include having Charise and her “600 Twitter Followers” ditch the benefit, at the last minute . . .

“That’s what you get for sending me to ‘audition’ at a Crack House, B*TCHES!”

 . . . trying (and FAILING) to break up Will’s relationship with Holly . . .

“WTF?”

(Of course, she ended up leaving, ANYWAY . . .)

 . . . and hiring a team of “Hecklers” to make fun of Tina’s performance of Lykke Li’s “I Follow Rivers.”

Most Random . . . Team . . . of . . . Hecklers .  . . EVER!

(And yet, they still managed to make Poor Tina CRY . . . THOSE BASTARDS!)

Which reminds me, is anybody else curious as to why Poor Tina’s musical performances always seem to end with her bawling her eyes out?  (“My Funny Valentine,” anyone?)

As for Tina’s real life “Funny Valentine,” he danced at the benefit to Jack Johnson’s “Bubble Toes,” which made me smile . . . both because I love Jack Johnson . . . and because “Bubble Toes” are just adorably SILLY!

This would have been a whole lot more appropriate, if Mr. Bubble Toes danced barefoot . . . and shirtless.

Granted, it was a bit disappointing that no one actually SANG  the Jack Johnson song, as I think that might have been a nice addition to the performance.  (After all, unlike, most of the other artists featured in this episode, Jack Johnson actually IS a neglected artist, one who is often vastly underappreciated for his unique talents . . . at least, in my humble opinion.) 

I’d say Tina could have sang the “little ditty.”  But she was still crying at the time, and, therefore, would have inevitably converted the song from “Bubble Toes” to Blubbering ones  . . .

Speaking of blubbering . . .

Like a Virgin, Touched (with a Glove) for the Very FIRST Time!

No Glove . . . No LOVE, BABY!

After having experienced so much progress in recent months, it was disheartening to see Poor Emma having fallen completely off the OCD-wagon again, this week.  Recognizing that OCD sufferers tend to see their symptoms worsen in times of extreme stress (AWWW!  He’s been doing RESEARCH on her condition!  He SO Luuuuuves HER!), Will gently asks Emma what happened. 

“Carl’s gone.  He asked for an annulment, which, I guess, he’s entitled to, since we never actually consummated our marriage,” Emma explains dejectedly.

(Oh, the judge must have LAUGHED HIS ASS OFF, when he heard that one!)

“Have MER-CY!”

“How old do you have to be, to look back on your life, with nothing but regret?  Is 32-too young?”  Emma asks sadly.

Knowing an “opening” (See what I did there?), when he sees one, Will sweetly vows to help Emma through this “rough patch” in her life.  To “seal the deal,” he even goes as far as to put on a condom a pair of sterilized gloves . . .  Yep, he’s a slick one, that Schuester! 

Holly takes another Holiday (and this one may be permanent) 

Watching the aforementioned exchange from a nearby window, Holly Holiday already knows she’s been replaced.  But, to her credit, rather than stomping off in a Rachel Berry-like fury, the “adult” Holly sticks around to teach the kids an “important lesson” on the dangers of online (and in-person) heckling. 

(Awww, that was great, Holly!  Without your preachy and super annoying inspired speech I would have NEVER known that it was mean and hurtful to . . . be MEAN and HURTFUL to people.  Thank you, for showing me the light!)

Other examples of the not-at-all obvious teachings of Holly Holiday . . .

Holly also performs Adele’s Turning Tables” at the Night of Neglect Benefit . . .

Riiiiiiight . . . because the young chart-topping female / international music sensation is PRECISELY who I think of, when I hear the words “neglected artist.”

At the end of the episode, Holly sadly admits the following:  (1) She has taken a substitute teacher position in Cleveland, and is therefore, leaving town and the showASAP;

(2) she knows Will and Emma are in love with one another, which makes it kind of inconvenient for her to continue being Will’s F*&k Buddy girlfriend; and

(3) she promises to return the next time she has a film project to promote sometime soon.

“You go and POP that Cherry WILL!  Pop it ONCE AND FOR ALL!  Do it for ME!  Do it for America!”

Speaking of people who are about to DO IT . . .

I’m always chasing Klaine-bows (and so is Karofsky, apparently)

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My favorite non-musical moment from the episode, BY FAR, was Kurt’s and Blaine’s visit to McKinley High to support their friends’ benefit.  Upon hearing Kurt reminisce about the school, Blaine realizes immediately that Kurt misses public school, and all the friends he’s made there.  Unfortunately, this sappy sweet moment is interrupted by the magical “surprise” appearance of Karofsky, who was pining over Kurt, dancing to “Bubble Toes”, rocking out to Adele “lifting weights,” when he overheard the new out-and-PROUD couple strolling the halls of McKinley.

In a swoon-worthy move, Blaine, who knows full well about Karofsky’s homophobic self-hatred, and how it ultimately resulted in Kurt having to switch schools, stands up to the much larger Football Player . . . even going as far as to give him a REALLY HARD PUSH!

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But, then, just when it seems as though a fight is about to break out in the halls of McKinley High, Santana, of all people, steps in to SAVE THE DAY!

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Recalling a time, in the not-so-distant past, when Karofsky had the GALL to SLUSHEE SANTANA, of all people . . .

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OH NO HE DIDN”T!

 . . . Santana positions herself squarely in front of Karofsky, and begins to tell him, once and for all, how things are going to be, from now on. 

 “See, here’s whats gonna go down. Two choices, you stay here, and I crack one of your nuts, right or left, that’s your choice. Or you walk away, and live to be a douchebag, another day. And, also, I have razorblades in my hair. Mmm-hmmm.  Tons, all up in there,” monologues Santana, in a moment that is positively FILLED with Awesome!

“If I wasn’t gay and secretly in love with Kurt, I’d be SO attracted to you, right now!”

What’s better, after hearing Santana’s not necessarily idle threats, Karofsky ACTUALLY walks away! 

 

(Little do these two individuals know just how much in common they actually have with one another!)

Symbolism and foreshadowing aside, it was really nice to see Santana come to Kurt’s aid, the way she did this week.  It shows fans just how far her character has come from the one-note villainess she once was, back in early Season 1 . . .

Speaking of characters who have come far . . .

Rachel teaches Mercedes the TRUE meaning of DIVA . . .

Of all the members of New Directions, perhaps, no character has been more outspoken about feeling neglected than Mercedes.  And yet, as Lauren Zizes perceptively points out, though she may gripe and complain EXTREMELY OFTEN, Mercedes will ALWAYS inevitably cede the spotlight to Rachel.  So, Lauren comes up with this ridiculous plan for Mercedes to ask for all these STUPID DIVA REQUESTS (A puppy to wipe her face on?  Being carried out on stage in a Lady Gaga-inspired egg?), so that her Glee club mates know that she’s important.

Oddly enough, for a little while, anyway, this dumb ass plan seems to work, with Rachel Finn and Quinn rushing around like crazy to fulfill all of Mercedes whimsical desires . . .

But when Mercedes refuses to perform at the Benefit, it is Rachel who follows her into the parking lot in the rain and stabs her to death sets her straight . . .

“Diva demands don’t make you famous,” explains Rachel (and she would KNOW!).  “Having talent does!”

“So, why are you a bigger star than ME!”  Mercedes whines.

“Because the writers always give ME all the big solos and romantic storylines.  “Because I care more about being famous, than about being liked.  Everyone LIKES you,” Rachel explains, “Except for NOW, because NOW you are being a TOTAL ASSHOLE!” 

Ultimately, Rachel concedes the closing number at the benefit to Mercedes, who sings her idol Aretha Franklin’s “Ain’t No Way,” to an adoring crowd.  (OK, so have we just TOTALLY dispatched with the theme of “neglected artists” now?  First ADELE, and now, ARETHA?  Who’s next, U2?  The Beatles?)

Of all people, Glee club nemesis, Sandy Ryerson, is SO touched by Mercedes performance, that he conveniently decides to defect from the Legion of Doom, and give all the money from his illegal drug sales to the Glee club and the Academic Decathaletes!

The random guest star has been REDEEMED!  HOORAY!  (It’s just too bad no one can redeem that outfit he’s wearing.  Because that thing is HIDEOUS!)

Now, with Dustin and Sandy having totally FAILED at breaking up the Glee club, it’s up to Sue and Terri to finish what they started.    *Sigh*  Here we go again . . .

Oh, and did I mention that the “McKinley Smarty Pants,” led by Brittany (and her bizarrely Rainman-esque knowledge of cat diseases) went on to win the Academic Decathalon, thanks to the MOST RANDOM GAMESHOW CATEGORY EVER? 

Oh, Holly Holiday . . . you and your WEIRD costumes . . . and your bizarre weekly historical tidbits . . . about women with Man-Hands who Loved Hitler!  Now that you are really gone, I may actually end up missing you, after all!

[www.juliekushner.com]

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The Vampire Diaries Eyecon Convention Day 3, Part 2 – Tyler and Jeremy Reunited!

Hi there, my fellow Fangbangers!  Welcome back to my third, and final, installment of The Vampire Diaries Eyecon coverage!  Today, we will be digging DEEP into the twisted minds of Steven R. McQueen (a.k.a Jeremy “Mini” Gilbert) and Michael Trevino (a.k.a. Tyler “Teen Wolf” Lockwood).  So, get out your shovels, fangirls!

(For those of you interested in additional Eyecon coverage, feel free to check out my “recap” of Paul Wesley’s Q&A, here and my, admittedly gushing, recounting of Ian Somerhalder’s Q&A, here.)

This particular blog post is dedicated to my FAVORITE Trevino Fangirl and Forwood / Taroline Shipper, Cherie over at My Spidey Sense is Tingling.  Definitely check out her blog for the most comprehensive, and best-written, Forwood-related TVD coverage on the ENTIRE internet.  I promise you, this is not an exaggeration.

So, are you ready for some juicy tidbits, and crazy Trevino / McQueen hijinks? 

Awesome!  Then, let’s get started . . .

Michael Trevino and Steven R. McQueen seem to work a lot of their press junkets and conference Q&A sessions together.  Having watched this dynamic duo in action, I can definitely see why!  On the show, Tyler and Jeremy may be forever teetering between being at one another’s throats . . .

. . . and bonding over their respective sometimes – broody natures, artistic talents, and the recent losses of both of their fathers.

But in real life, the relationship between these guys isn’t nearly as angst-y.  They are bromantic buddies, plain and simple. 

That definitely comes across when you see these two interact with one another.  Watching Michael’s and Steven’s easygoing banter on stage, as they jovially tease one another, and exchange inside jokes, you can tell that these actors are genuinely enjoying eachother’s company, as well as the company of their fans.  The laidback and inclusive atmosphere, made this Q&A session feel more like an evening spent sharing beers with friends, than a formal press junket.  And, for me, that is a VERY good thing!

So, how close are Michael’s and Steven’s personalities to the characters they play on the show?

Steven actually seems fairly different from Jeremy.  Whereas Jeremy seems quiet, kind of serious, and a bit of a loner, Steven is extremely outgoing, energetically animated, and gregarious . . . sort of a Class Clown type.  And yet, according to Steven, he and Jeremy actually share some similar interests.  Like his television doppelganger, Steven LOVES comic books and all things- animation. 

Of the two, I’d say Michael Trevino has more in common with his character . . . at least, the kinder, gentler, version of his character that we have come to know and love in Season 2.  A bit more reserved than Steven, but equally engaging with fans, Trevino shares Tyler’s pensive and mysterious nature. 

Every once in a while, Michael will get this grin on his face.  And you just know that there’s this hilarious running dialogue going through his head, which he’s not quite ready to share with the world.  Trevino also shares Tyler’s sly wit and dry sense of humor.

In terms of interests, Trevino is a HUGE television buff!  He loves watching True Blood, Dexter and anything with strong characters, intriguing plots, and a bit of gore.  But he DOESN’T like movies about vampires who sparkle . . .

My apologies, Edward Cullen!

Here’s what the pair had to say, on the following titillating topics . . .

Regarding their characters . . .

Not surprisingly, both actors had some pretty eloquent things to say about the roles they have been inhabiting for the past two years.   As for Steven, he notes that, in addition to getting both physically, and emotionally, beaten down, more than ANY character on this show . . .

 . . .  Jeremy has also genuinely evolved and matured throughout the course of the series.  “He finally seems to be finding himself, and getting what he wants out of life,” Steven explained excitedly. 

(Note: You can tell, by the way he talks about his character, that Steven REALLY doesn’t enjoy being TVD’s Resident Punching Bag.  So, I hope for his sake, and ours, that this aspect of Jeremy’s life will change very soon.)

When asked about Jeremy’s suicide attempt / thwarted vampire conversion in the Season 1 finale, Steven had this to say:

“[After Vicki and Anna died so soon after his parents’ untimely deaths] Jeremy felt like he literally had the Kiss of Death.  Everyone he loved seemed to die on him . . . He felt like a monster.  So, he wanted to physically become one.”

But Jeremy Gilbert wasn’t the only character to undergo a MAJOR transformation throughout the course of The Vampire Diaries.  Aside from literally transforming into a WEREWOLF, Tyler Lockwood also seems to have transformed as an individual. 

 The Tyler of Season 2 of The Vampire Diaries allows himself to trust and care for others in a way that Season 1 Tyler never could.  Suddenly, this character seems more real, and more vulnerable than ever before.  Ironically, the act of undergoing a werewolf transformation has made Tyler more human.

But don’t take my word for it!  Let Michael Trevino tell you himself . . .

“I don’t think anybody was really a fan of Tyler in Season 1,” Trevino notes.  “I know I wasn’t a fan of Tyler, then.  He was a jerk!”

“But then Season 2 came around, and you started to learn more about this guy, and why he is the way he is . . .  His father abuses him.  He feels alone.  And then he’s got this Werewolf Gene to deal with.  Things start happening to him that he doesn’t understand.  And fans began to relate to him, and develop some sympathy for him, because of what he’s going through now.  So, let’s love Tyler!”

(Oh, don’t worry Trevino . . . we DO!)

Regarding shirtlessness . . .

Speaking of those jaw-dropping moments on the show, when male cast members suddenly become clothing-challenged . . .

. . . these last few episodes of the season should DEFINITELY prove interesting for Mini Gilbert, since they promise a possible SEX SCENE between him and Bonnie . . .

“Awwwww YEAHHHH!”  Trevino exclaimed, in an uncharacteristically exuberant moment, when this little tidbit of information was revealed.  (So, either Trevino is a BIG Jonnie fan, or he REALLY likes to see Steven without his shirt on!)

But Steven won’t be the only TVD actor bearing his skin, in the final episodes of the Season.  Another Full Moon is on the horizon, and it promises to bring about Tyler’s return.  You know what that means, Forwood Fans!  Were-Tyler will be making a Very Naked comeback!  (Hopefully Coed Naked . . . if you catch my drift.)

Regarding their characters’ love lives . . .

Well, I already told you that Bonnie and Jeremy were probably going to DO IT this season.  So, it’s safe to say that these two will still be going strong, when TVD returns from its hiatus on April 7th. 

When Steven was asked to choose between his character’s two previous star-crossed lovers, the ever-diplomatic McQueen hedged his bets (though most of the fans in the room, seemed to overwhelmingly support Team Anna). 

The actor was more talkative about Jeremy’s new relationship with Bonnie.  “You know, every time Jeremy gets a love interest, she dies.  So, when I got the script, and saw that I was paired with Bonnie, I thought.  ‘She’s a series regular witch!  She can do all sorts of magical things!  So, she’s probably safe!  Geez, I wonder if I’m the one who’s in trouble now!”

Steven also noted how much he loved working with Katerina Graham.  “She’s a very talented actress and a really great person.  We really enjoy working together.”

But what about Tyler’s once blooming, but now halted, romantic relationship with Caroline?

Unfortunately, Trevino couldn’t really say very much about that, out of fear of spoiling upcoming episodes.  However, he did admit that he enjoyed the supernatural connection that Tyler and Caroline share, and the way in which these two characters relate with one another. 

In fact, when asked why fans should join Team Tyler versus Team Matt, Trevino seemed a bit surprised that this should be such a difficult choice!  “Uh ohhhh,” groaned Steven, playfully slapping Trevino on the back, when the question was asked.

In support of Team Tyler, Trevino had this brief, but effective, response.  “Where’s Matt?”  He snarked, noting his on-screen best-buddy’s / romantic nemesis’ absence from Eyecon.

“Low Blow, MAN!”

Regarding their favorite scenes from the show . . .

 Steven LOVED the scene in which Jeremy, upon first learning that Anna was a vampire, cut his hand, in order to tempt her with his blood.  The plan worked, of course.  And what resulted was a highly erotic episode of mutual handgasming (TM Cherie).  Was it any wonder, that after this, the couple soon ended up in bed together?

Both Steven and Trevino really enjoyed acting in their infamous Bottle-Breaking Fight Scene from Season 1.  “It was just so well choreographed, and cool to take part in,” explains Trevino.

Speaking of well-choreographed fight scenes, Trevino’s favorite episode of the show was Masquerade, in which he, Matt, and, ultimately, Caroline, engaged in a rather Matrix-esque battle of epic proportions.

“What about your first werewolf transformation, [in “By the Light of the Moon”]?”  Steven inquires of Michael.

“Oh, yeah, of course!  That was awesome,” recalls Trevino. 

Indeed!

Regarding what it’s like to play a supernatural creature (versus a human surrounded by them) . . .

When asked whether he would prefer to be a vampire or werewolf, Trevino emphatically said “WEREWOLF!”  He loves the strength and masculinity inherent in this man/ beast amalgamation, and the intensity of the transformation, as it is portrayed on the show. 

But what about Steven?  As we all know, Jeremy is one of the few remaining humans in the regular cast.  Does McQueen ever wish he got to play a more powerful being . . . one who . . . maybe DIDN’T get his ass kicked so often. 

“The way I see it, there are two [male] vampires in the main cast and one werewolf.  But there is only one of ME!  So, I figure they will keep me around for a while.  And I want to keep my job, PLEASE!”  Steven pleaded.

(Hmmm . . . notice how he didn’t mention MATT, as a fellow human.  Interesting . . .  Was that just a slip-up on Steven’s part?  Or should Zach Roerig be worried?)

“He said, what?  Awww, crap!”

Regarding past films, in which they were featured . . .

Hey, did you know that Michael Trevino and Steven R. McQueen BOTH enjoyed stints on Disney films with questionable, and possibly sexually suggestive, titles? 

Trevino starred in Cow Belles . . .

 . . . where he had the opportunity to “touch a lot of teet” . . .

McQueen starred in the high school time-traveling tale, Minutemen . .  .

. . . alongside Chelsea Staub, with whom he had recently broken up.  “It was kind of an awkward experience for me [working so closely with an ex],” Steven admits.  “There was no touching of Cow Belles on the set, not even for a ‘minute.'”

Regarding possible future movie projects . . .

Of all the cast members interviewed, Trevino was the only one who seemed to have a possible feature film in the can.  “It’s a homage to John Hughes, and has a breakfast club sort of feel,” he notes.

“We shot it in Detroit.  Hopefully, something comes of it.”

After a bit of digging, I learned that the film to which Trevino is referring is called The Lowenfish PartyBased on the IMDB synopsis, it DOES sound VERY Breakfast Club-esque, which is DEFINITELY not a bad thing!  Hmm, I wonder if Michael will play the loveable and jocky, Emilio Estevez character . . .

. . . or the Bad Ass, Judd Nelson one?

I guess we will just have to wait and see!

Speaking of films, Steven was asked whether he would ever consider playing his grandfather, Steve McQueen, in a biopic about the accomplished actor’s life . . .

“No, I think that would hit too close to home for me,” admitted Steven.  “Besides, he and I are so very different.”

Regarding the Best On-Set Prank . . .

So, remember that scene in The Return when Uncle / Father John (played by David Anders) was in his hospital bed, clad in patient-garb?

Well, apparently, when he got up to go to the bathroom, one of the crew members rubbed Hershey Kisses in his hospital bed, to make him think he “had an accident.”  (Ewww!)

Take that, BAD DAD!

Regarding cast members from Glee . . .

When asked about his friendship with Mark Salling, the gorgeous actor who plays Puck on Glee .  . .

. . . Trevino noted that he met him once, at the Superbowl.  “[Mark] seems like a pretty cool guy.”

However, Trevino did admit, above the snarky guffaws of McQueen, that he has “a lot of good friends in the Glee cast.”

Hmmm . . . I wonder who he’s talking about here?   Certainly not, his girlfriend, Jenna Ushkowitz (who plays Tina Cohen Chang on the show), right! 😉

Regarding Steven R. McQueen’s Possible Singing Career, Lack of Twitter, and Various Tattoos?

When asked if he would ever be interested in starting a singing career, like his very talented younger brother, Jessarae (who performed at the convention), Steven said, emphatically, “No.” 

“You know, when my brother first started singing, I felt very competitive  . . . and I wanted to see if I could sing too.  So, I put out a video on YouTube . . . and . . . well . . . many people who saw it, told me I should keep my Day Job.”

Well, fangirls, I found that video.  So, you can judge for yourself . . .

Upon being asked why he doesn’t have a Twitter account, Steven responded, “This may sound lazy, but there are a lot of fake accounts out there in my name.  And they seem to do all the work for me!” 

(Funny answer, though I kind of doubt that’s the REAL reason, don’t you?)

By the way, did you know that Steven has a tattoo representing his mommy on his chest?  (She was in the audience at the convention.  How sweet is that?)  Or that he has a happy face on his body that he put there, himself?  (Is that sanitary?)

Now you do!

Well, that’s all I’ve got, folks!  Thanks so much for taking this little journey to Mystic Falls with me!  It was truly an amazing experience . . . one I undoubtedly will remember for the rest of my life. 

Oh, and special thanks go out to my Amazing, Super Fun, Talented, and Witty Blogger Pal Amy over at Imaginary Men for LITERALLY taking this journey with me.  Believe me when I say, I NEVER would have done this, if it wasn’t for her.

See you all, April 7th, for the BIG TVD Return!  🙂

[www.juliekushner.com][Fangirls Forever]

 

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Filed under Michael Trevino, Steven R. McQueen, The Vampire Diaries

Puck-er Up! It’s Valentine’s Day! – A Recap of Glee’s “Silly Love Songs”

Ahhhhh, February 14th!  It’s that time of year when hearts go a-flutter, and boys’ bank accounts go a-bust.   On this day, all convenient stores, as a rule, must look like they’ve been vomited on by Love Bunnies; and every television channel suddenly resembles Lifetime, Hallmark, or Oxygen.  It’s the day when I always eat too many of those, let’s face it, REALLY NASTY, Conversation Hearts, and am rewarded for doing so, with Massive Tummy Trouble.  It’s a time of hope, a time of anticipation, a time of  . . . intense nausea. 

Of course, I’m talking about Valentine’s Day . . . or, as I like to call it, Singles Awareness Day . . .

But don’t let the cynicism of the above paragraph fool you.  Because, beneath my snarky bluster, and rough exterior, lies a Deep Dark Secret.  And here it is:  I have a real soft spot in my heart for the lovey-dovey, ooey-gooey, mushy-gushy, sappy sweetness, of Valentine’s Day-themed television episodes.   And, for this reason, I ADORED Glee’s most recent  installment, “Silly Love Songs” (also . . . Puck was in it A LOT, which is always a good thing, in my book).

Be my Valentine, you Crazy Mohawk Man, YOU!

So, what are we waiting for Gleeks, let’s get SAPPY!

Puck Spells Woman “Z-I-Z-E-S” (and I spell CRAZY, “P-U-C-K”)

“I know I’m supposed to be staring at Lauren Zizes.  But, deep down, I can’t stop thinking about a certain TV Recapper . . .”

OK, Confession Time!  So, earlier this week, in response to a comment someone left me on my recap of the Glee Superbowl Extravaganza Episode, I MAY have noted that I love Puck as a character SO MUCH that I’d be willing to see him couple with any castmember, provided that doing so allotted him the increased screentime he so richly deserves.  ANYONE . . . I said . . . EXCEPT LAUREN ZIZES . . .

Do you ever get the feeling that your favorite television shows are MOCKING you?

When the episode begins, our resident Bad Boy, Puck, is all piney over a certain Full-Figured Woman, with whom he spent LESS than Seven Minutes in Heaven, swapping spit in a closet somewhere, pre-hiatus . . .

No Fat Jokes, No Fat Jokes, No Fat Jokes.

Having decided that Lauren is precisely the dessert he wants to enjoy, after his Valentine’s Day Dinner No Fat Jokes, No Fat Jokes, No Fat Jokes he decides to court his lady love, by giving her a Box of Chocolates No Fat Jokes, No Fat Jokes, No Fat Jokes, and proposing to her with a RING POP You’re KILLING ME HERE, Puck!

“This is a Promise Ring Pop.  It represents the Duration of Our Love.  I’m yours, until the last lick.  Because Diamonds may be Forever, but Artificial Flavoring tastes better . . .”

To Puck’s advances, Lauren typically responds by spouting out REALLY ANNOYING lines from rap and R&B songs of the late 90’s and early 00’s.  Some of these “gems” include, “I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly,” and “you better check yourself, before you wreck yourself,” and “you best, stand corrected.”  Honestly, the whole time I was watching, I kept waiting for her to whip out a line from Sir Mix A-lot’s CLASSIC Rump Shaker, “I Like Big Butts.”  Unfortunately, she never did . . .

Excellent Opportunity for Hilarity = Wasted

But Lauren’s increasingly rude rejections of the Puckster only served to fuel the Righteous Flames of Love burning in his pants (Then again, maybe that was just his STD talking.).  So, when Mr. Schuester invited the Glee kids to perform songs that embodied their feelings about love, Puck surprised EVERYONE by rocking out to Queen’s Fat Bottomed Girls

“Left alone with Big Fat Fatty.  She was such a Naughty Natty.  That Big Woman made a Bad Boy out me,” Puck crooned, so VERY inappropriately, as he did this move with his crotch that I can only liken to the movement one makes when riding one of those quarter-operated Electric Horses you find outside your local Super Market . . .

You GO Puck!  RIDE THAT PONY!  (And no, I intend that as a Fat Joke . . .)

You can check out ALL of Puck’s X-rated moves, by clicking on the internal link below . . .

“I’ve never been serenaded before . . . and it made me feel like crap,” Lauren pouts.

You know who else was feeling like crap after Puck’s song?  ME!  Santana!  After all, she’d paid many a quarter to ride Puck.  And yet, she seems to be the ONLY Glee girl that he’s never serenaded.  Hey, remember when Puck decided he “loved” Rachel and sang “Sweet Caroline” to her, because Neil Diamond is Jewish, and so is she?

How about when Puck sang “Beth” to Quinn, because that’s what he thought she should name her daughter, to whom he was the Baby Daddy?

Or when he sang that Sammy Davis Jr. song to Mercedes because .  . . Do I really have to go there?

Well, apparently, Santana remembered ALL OF THESE MOMENTS, and the fact that she wasn’t involved in any of them, made her feel mighty unloved . . .

So, she buys herself some jewelry from Jared, and tries to slap Puck with the receipt. 

(Nice product placement there.  But wouldn’t it have been better if we  . . . I don’t know . . . actually saw the jewelry?)

But Puck’s not biting, because there is only room in his heart for one BIG woman.  So, he rejects Santana’s pint-sized patootie, in favor of something a bit more.  . . meaty.  Unfortunately, for Santana, her day is about to get about TEN TIMES worse.  As luck would have it, Lauren arrives on the scene, just as Santana is calling her a White Whale.  And, let’s just say, Fat Bottomed Girl is NOT PLEASED!

Santana talks a good game about being from the “mean streets” of Lima Heights Adjacent.  But those of us who watched the Britney / Brittany episode know she’s really a doctor’s daughter, who is able to afford boob implants, and $1000 hair extensions.  So, of course, Wrestler Lauren knocks the silicone right out of her.  Watching this makes Puck practically orgasm with excitement.  So, he BEGS Lauren to go with him to Olive Garden Breadsticks, which is apparently the ONLY RESTAURANT IN TOWN, the night before Valentine’s Day.

But Lauren actually has the gall to STAND HIM UP!

B*TCH IS CRAZY!

So, Puck makes out with a Random Chick, which makes me kind of happy, because I too, am a Random Chick . . .

Just when it seems as though all hope is lost for this Head Scratching Mind Boggling Completely Bizarre Adorable Couple (YIPPEE!  Make it stop!  Make it stop!), the next day, Lauren FINALLY agrees to go out with Puck to . . . you guessed it Breadsticks again, provided he agrees to take their relationship slow.  (A part of me just died, typing that sentence.)

And in that moment, all of my hopes to become a random extra on Glee, and get to make out with Mark Salling/Puck in the Olive Garden “Breadsticks” parking lot were irreparably shattered . . .

But, hey, at least there’s still a shot at me kissing Finn (Why not?  He kisses EVERYBODY ELSE!) . . . once the Mono goes away, that is!

Quinn and Sam = Finn-ished?

“Oh, come on!  Don’t dump me NOW!  Aren’t you the least bit curious, what would happen if Barbie and Ken procreated?  Our babies would be heralded by science, as the blondest, most blandly perfect looking infants on the planet!”

If you watched the Glee Super Bowl Extravaganza Episode, you know that Finn and Quinn played tonsil hockey, with one another, during its final moments.  Well, this week’s episode finds Finn wanting a rematch . . .

Operation Get into Quinn Febray’s Panties is A GO!

So, Finn comes up with the incredibly douchey very generous idea of running a Kissing Booth, where people pay a dollar to suck his face for five seconds.  (Ladies, buy gum, instead . . . it’s cheaper, and longer lasting.)  Proceeds from the lip locks will go toward the Glee Club budget.  Way to take one for the TEAM, Finn!

Our favorite (and by “favorite” I mean “only”) New Directions star / McKinley High Quarterback figures that do-gooder Quinn won’t be able to resist kissing him for a Good Cause.  And then, once she’s tasted those Dorito-covered lips of his, she’ll no longer be able to resist his social awkward bumbling personality intense charms.

But Quinn REFUSES to kiss Finn.  And she tells him as much, when she visits him at the kissing booth.  And yet, the hardcore eye f*&king she gives him, while she’s saying this tells a different story entirely . . .

Needless to say, Quinn’s Macauley Culkin Doppelganger Boyfriend, does not take this well . . .

Sam really showcases his “massive intelligence,” by convincing his girlfriend to KISS Finn, in order to prove that she isn’t attracted to him. 

“I’m CRAP with the ladies, and even I know that’s a TERRIBLE idea!”

“I’m pretty, but I ain’t dumb,” Sam insists, by way of explanation.  (I hate to break this to you Sam, but “dumb” is precisely what you are.)

Don’t feel bad, Sam.  Stupid people get the best lines on this show!”

So, while Sam watches intently (because THAT’s not creepy at all), Finn and Quinn lock lips a second time . . .

Only, THIS TIME, this happens . . .

Thrilled by the prospect of Another Opportunity to Cheat on a Boyfriend Harlot Barbie makes plans to meet Finn in the auditorium the following evening. 

But things take a dark turn for these two naughty humans, when Santana notices that something is going on between them . . .

“Finn only gets that Gassy Infant Look, when he’s feeling guilty about something,” Santana notes astutely . . .

Source

Noticing that Quinn is also looking particularly gassy today, Santana eventually puts two and two together, and decides that the Happy Pair are having an affair.  So, what’s an Evil Temptress, who’s just been rejected by Puck, and called a Raging B*tch by her entire class, to do?  This sounds like a job for . . .

The Slutty Pedophile Candy Striper from Outer Space!

 So, Santana, who’s supernaturally whorish charms have apparently earned her some bizarro immunity to mononucleosis, “I’ve had Mono so many times, I’ve turned it into stereo,” heads to the local Elementary School in search of Man Meat.  She then quickly (and conveniently) finds a prepubescent Mono sufferer, aggressively ambushes him, and shoves her tongue down his throat . . .

I’m pretty sure this is illegal in about 15 states.  Little Stewie Woodcock doesn’t seem to mind too much, however.

Did you ever see the movie Species, where Natasha Hendstridge plays this sexpot alien who lures men into her bed, starts screwing them, and then, at the last moment, totally ALIENS OUT, and rips their bodies to shreds?  Well, that’s kind of the feeling I got watching Santana “work her magic” during this episode.  Evil Ho Bag then attacks Finn with her germy tongue at the kissing booth, and her work here is done.

Now, all she has to do is wait for Finn and Quinn to have their little rendezvous . . .

MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!

The very next day, since Santana’s alien Mono-Spreading Powers apparently also speed up the victim’s display of symptoms, both Finn and Quinn are wearing A LOT of pasty white face makeup looking and feeling extremely ill . . .

Santana helpfully explains that both of their symptoms seem suspiciously similar to Mono, something you get from TONGUE KISSING . . .

Sorry Sam!

(By the way, those of you who ended off this episode, feeling sorry for Sam, can take heart.  Something tells me he won’t be alone for long .  . .

Source

. . . me thinks our main man, Macauley, has some serious Mono / Stereo in his future.  Way to go, Samtana!)

While lying in the nurse’s office together, Quinn wisely notes to Finn that the last time she cheated on her boyfriend (which was FINN, by the way) she got knocked up, and this time, she got Mono.  Perhaps, the Universe is trying to tell her something ( . . . like that Harlot Barbie will be discontinued by Mattel, if she doesn’t straighten up, and fly right).  But Finn doesn’t care how slutty and tempermental Quinn is,  he wants to bang her ANYWAY!

“Pssst . . . the nurse won’t be back for another twenty minutes.  What do you say, we push these two cots together, and try to get you pregnant?  You can tell Sam it’s his . . . wait . . . why does this so sound so familiar to me?”

Quinn, however, refuses to make monkey with Finn, until she figures out her true feelings Macauley Culkin (She loved Home Alone, but hated Home Alone 2.  Quite the conundrum!), and HE figures out his feelings for Rachel.

Speaking of Rachel . . .

Rachel Sings a Love Song . . . to Herself (Then again, isn’t that what ALL her solos are?)

“Will YOU be my Valentine, hairbrush?”

Poor Rachel!  She’s been hung up on Finn since he dumped her ass on Christmas for hooking up with Puck.  This would be fine, if she ACTUALLY got to hook up with Puck.  However, Puck had to go and grow a conscience on her.  Leaving our poor heroine, both alone, and UNLAID. 

“What’s a girl to do?”

Nothing if not creative (She says, sarcastically), Rachel’s big plan for winning back Finn’s heart is . . . wait for it . . . to KISS HIM AT THE KISSING BOOTH.  You know, like EVERY OTHER GIRL IN SCHOOL.  Unfortunately, when Rachel does finally make it to the booth, dollar in hand, Finn greets her with . . . a peck on the cheek . . .

“W . . . T .  . .F!”

When Rachel confronts Finn about his cheeky ways, he offers her the Gold S tarnecklace he planned to give her during Christmas, conveniently advising her that she should stay single until he gets bored with Quinn and decides he wants her again, because she is such a STAR, that being saddled to a lame-o high school boy (like him) might weigh her down.  

“You need to shine.  Just because I can’t be with you because I’m boning Quinn, doesn’t mean I don’t believe in you,” Finn said sweetly.

It was a good line, one that I might have found touching, if it wasn’t coming out of the mouth of such a Hypocritical Douchebag . . .

Douchey-ness aside, Rachel is at Sick Finn’s bedside, while the Poor Boy suffers from Santana’s Supernatural Mono strain . . .

Rachel blathers on a bit about how much prettier Quinn is than her.  (Umm, honey, you’re both on TV, so stop pretending your not hot, K?)  She then asks Finn what kissing Quinn was like.  He tells her it made him see Fireworks.  (Asshat!  Why the f*&k did he have to tell her that?)

“Did you see fireworks, when you kissed me?”  Inquires the Glutton for Punishment.

LIE FINN!  LIE!  SHE CLEARLY WANTS YOU TO LIE!

Finn almost imperceptibly shakes his head.

YOU SLIMY BASTARD!

Rachel responds to Finn’s announcement, by thanking him for not giving HER Mono too.  You see now that she has no other options, Rachel realizes that being single is the best way for her to focus on her path toward Super Stardom.  To emphasize this New Discovery, Rachel chooses Katy Perry’s “Firework” as her lovesong . . . to herself.

You can watch Rachel sing about how badly she wants to tongue kiss herself, by clicking the internal link below . . .

Meanwhile, over at Dalton Academy . . .

Jeremiah Was a Bull Frog.  (i.e. The Best GAP ad EVER!)

Kurt and Blaine are stepping out together for a little coffee break.  Blaine tells Kurt he’s a card-carrying member of the I Heart Valentine’s Day Club.  As it turns out, Kurt’s not a big fan of V-day.  But he’s a HUGE of Blaine, particularly when Kurt realizes that Blaine knows how he takes his coffee and what his favorite sexual positions are.  When Blaine makes mention of wanting to show his newest Man Crush his true feelings, Kurt immediately becomes certain that Blaine is referring to HIM.  (Those of us, who saw the advance release clips from this episode, however, knew the Poor Guy was DEAD WRONG!)

Back at school, Blaine tries to convince his fellow Hogwarts Wizards to (gasp) leave the school grounds on a Romantic Pilgrimage to the Gap.  The Warblers are understandably horrified by his request . . .

“We are not safe in the outer world!  What if Lord Voldemort finds us?”

Fortunately for Blaine, Kurt ultimately convinces the Warblers to “step outside their comfort zone,” using one of his “When I was a New Directions Gleek” stories that I am SURE his fellow acafellas are forced to listen to EVERY SINGLE DAY.

“This one time . . . at Glee Club . . . I stuck a flute up my . . .”

And yet, when Kurt realizes that Blaine was NOT in fact, planning to sing to him, but, rather to some GAP manager named Jeremiah, he can’t help but wish he wasn’t so gosh darn persuasive.  Nevertheless, thanks to a Sweet Slumber Party, some hair braiding, and a whole lot of  SERIOUS Girl Talk with Gal Pals Mercedes and Rachel, Kurt ultimately decides to “be a man” and, be there to support Blaine, during his Mall Serenade . . .

Here comes my FAVORITE musical number of the evening!  Now, those of you who read my Superbowl Recap may recall that I was a bit harsh on Blaine and the Warblers, due to their awkwardly robotic dancing, and inability to let anyone sing solo, aside from “Junior Member” Blaine.  All those problems still existed, during Blaine’s rendition of Robin Thicke’s “When I Get You Alone.”  And yet, for whatever reason, all these negatives combined to make what I felt was a TRULY entertaining, foot-tapping, finger snapping music number!

Poor Jeremiah!  If the Warblers are Hogwarts wizards, he’s most definitely the Draco Malfoy of this situation.

A Brief Note to the GAP:  This musical number would be the BEST COMMERCIAL YOU’VE EVER HAD!  Heck the Warblers even modeled your merchandise for you, during the song!

Now, why the heck aren’t they selling those awesome pink sunglasses at MY GAP?

You can check out all the performance, in all its fabulousness, here:

Now, as much as I love “When I Get You Alone,” (The song actually remains one of my all-time favorites), in hindsight, it probably wasn’t the best choice for a Declaration of Love Anthem.  For one thing, there’s a definite predatory, and almost frighteningly ANGRY, stalkerish aspect to the lyrics.  (“Because you walk pretty, because you talk pretty, because you MAKE ME SICK, and I’m NOT LEAVING, ’til YOUR LEAVING!”)  And don’t even get me started on the song’s Horror Movie-esque opening notes.  (“Bum-bum, bum, BUMMMM!  Bum-bum, bum, BUMMM!”)

“You do know that if you don’t have sex with Blaine, we are going to beat you to a pulp, tie you up, and shove you in the bathroom of our tourbus, don’t you?”

Talk about a SERIOUS LETDOWN, after his award winning musical performance, Blaine is shocked to learn that the Object of his Affections (1) got fired because of him; (2) isn’t “out” to his coworkers (Telltale Gay Hair, notwithstanding); and (3) doesn’t like him in that way, especially because he’s underage.

“You know, there’s another GAP a few miles from here.  Think anyone gay works THERE?”

Finally, toward the end of the episode, Kurt confronts Blaine about the sort of mixed signals he’s been sending out, resulting in Kurt thinking that HE was the object of Blaine’s desires, NOT Jeremiah the Bullfrog.  Blaine apologizes, and the pair commiserate over how inexperienced and bad at romance they both are.  They decide to take things slow, and stay friends for now, in order to preserve the strong bonds of friendship the pair has forged, during the short time they’ve known one another. 

“We can be like When Harry Met Sally . . . only I get to be Meg Ryan,” Kurt notes cheerily.

“I can see a resemblance.  Don’t you?”

Didn’t those two end up together in the end?” Blaine inquires cautiously.

Oh, Kurt . . . you Sly Dog, you!

Artie and Mike Chang are Friends (with Benefits?)

Now, don’t get me wrong.  I LOVE ME some Michael Jackson.  And P.Y.T., though a tad lecherous, in terms of it’s theme, was a fun little ditty for Artie to croon.  It was also an excellent showcase for Harry Shum Jr. (who plays Mike’s) very M.J. esque dance movies.  And yet, did anyone else, at least at the beginning of the musical number get the impression that these two dudes were singing the love song to EACHOTHER, as opposed to their Lady Loves?

Ummmmm . . .

TINA:  “I think our boyfriends are about to make out with eachother.”

BRITTANY:  “That’s SO HOT!”

(Yeah, I couldn’t find a clip of this one.  So, you’ll just have to take my word for it.)

Tears of a Clown

Have you ever loved someone so much, the mere thought of being with them evoked tears of joy?  No?  Me neither, which was why Tina’s cringeworthy blubbery rendition of “My Funny Valentine” was probably the most uncomfortable three minutes I’ve ever spent in front of my television screen . . .

Please, lord, make it stop!

But as awkward as I felt during this scene, it doesn’t even compare to how MIKE CHANG must have felt!

Just keep smiling . . . just keep smiling . . . Don’t let her know she’s crazy or she will KILL YOU.

The episode concludes with Kurt gathering the whole Glee crew together at . . . wait for it . . . Breadsticks (where ELSE?) for a meeting of the Lonely Hearts Club.

After a brief speech about love and singledom, Kurt introduces the Warblers (Woah, TWO off campus outings in ONE EPISODE?  Way to live dangerously boys?).  The group, led by Blaine (SURPRISE!) serenade the crowd with their rendition of the titular song “Silly Loves Songs.”

And that was more or less the episode, in a nutshell.  Did you like it?  Would you accept it as YOUR Valentine?  Or would you prefer to throw it back in the sender’s face, like Lauren Zizes did with Puck’s sucky chocolates?

[www.juliekushner.com]

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Welcome Football Fans! – A Recap of Glee’s “The Sue Sylvester Shuffle”

Question:  What do Football, Fights, Zombies, Cannon Balls, and Flaming Boobs, have in common? 

If you answered that all of these things were included Glee‘s Post-Superbowl Extravaganza episode, to help the show appeal to male sports fans, you are ABSOLUTELY right! 

Interestingly enough, the change in target audience, did not at all seem to hamper the show’s quality.  In fact, dare I say, making Glee more “Boy Friendly,” may have actually improved it. 

I mean, sure, the episode was certainly not perfect.  It lacked cohesion, and certain scenes seemed to appear completely out of nowhere (I’m looking at YOU, “Bills, Bills, Bills”).  Yet, overall, it was a fun-filled hour, one who’s main theme — about football players risking their popularity to perform in Glee club — seemed to be a gentle, but deliberate, nod to the football fans who were watching.  And the message was clear:  “It’s OK, if you’re enjoying this.”

So, what are we waiting for, let’s get recapping!

Your Boobs are on FIRE (and Your Cannon has Fibromyalgia!)

We open on the Cheerios performing an obnoxiously over-produced, Half-Time show-esque, dance number to Katy Perry’s “California Gurls.”  During the number, the girls wore blue hair, as a homage to Katy herself.  They also wore pointed cones on their chests, as a homage to early 90’s Madonna (?).  From the girls’ Boob Cones, shot fiery sparklers (because boys like HOT boobs). 

 Behind the girls, were a few guys doing bike flips off a ramp.  Of course, no one was paying attention to them — no GUYS, anyway — because of the girls and their Flaming Boobs . . .

If Flaming Boobs aren’t exactly your thing, and you weren’t a fan of the opening number, you weren’t alone.  Because Sue Sylvester didn’t like it either, “I’m bored,” she whines into he megaphone, after the song wraps. 

(As if knowing that Sue is talking about them, upon hearing these words, the Flaming Boobs fizzle out, unceremoniously.)

Isn’t Becky a member of the Cheerios?  If so, why wasn’t she in this number?  Does anyone else find this vaguely offensive?

After that, Sue makes a not particularly funny joke that runs on WAY too long.  It involves (1) the benefits of stuffing one’s bra with chicken cutlets;  and (2) having cheerleaders intermittently hit one another in the face with them . . .

Chickens were NOT amused.

Quinn wisely notes that there was nothing necessarily wrong with the dance number.  Rather, Sue herself has simply become completely impossible to please.  And no matter how extravagant the Cheerios numbers become, she will continuously want to top herself.

Sue doesn’t entirely disagree with this statement  But that doesn’t mean she isn’t going to try and “improve” the Cheerios’ performance, in any way she can  And so, while watching a cartoon featuring someone getting shot out of a cannonball, our “favorite” Cheerleading Coach comes up with an idea . . .

She will shoot one of her Cheerios out of a cannon, during the Cheerleading Championships!  Specifically, THIS Cheerio . . .

“I don’t want to die yet . .  . at least not until One Tree Hill gets canceled next year,” Brittany whines, upon learning that she is the “lucky” human cannonball.

Hmmm . . . Brooke Davis didn’t like something I wrote above . . . Maybe it was those two words I crossed out . . .

Fortunately for Brittany, she gets a brief reprieve from certain death.  This is because Sue is willing to use a Brittany-looking doll for the “trial run.”

To Brittany’s horror, her Poor Unfortunate Doll Doppelganger gets blown to itty bitty bits of Blonde.  Seeing this undoubtedly makes Brittany wish she had chosen a show with a brighter future to measure her lifespan by . . . Two and a Half Men  American Idol one of the 500 different versions of Law and Order, perhaps?

When Sue learns that she will need Brittany’s consent in order to make her explode, the “kindly mentor” secures it by giving Brittany a “We miss you,” card, purportedly written by the cannon, in crayon, no less.  Later, Sue tells a still uncertain Brittany a sob story about how the cannon has two growing baby cannons at home, and one on the way.   (Mama Cannon has fibromyalgia, so she can’t work.) 

 Eventually, Brittany agrees to literally sign her life away on Sue’s Consent Form.  Of course, she signs using an “X” because she doesn’t know how to spell her name, apparently.  (Sometimes they go a bit too far with the whole “Brittany is dumb” thing.  Don’t you think?)

Jocks versus Gleeks, Take 252

It’s a tale as old as high school:  popular versus unpopular, jocks versus geeks, football players versus gleeks.  But at McKinley High, it’s way worse.  For one thing, half the Glee club is also on either the football team, or on the cheerleading squad.  This makes the school’s social hierarchy . . . confusing . . . to say the least.

“So we are Gleeks . . . and we are Footballers.  Does this mean we have to Slushee ourselves?”

Additionally, Slushees ruin clothing, which is a HUGE problem for the Cheerios and Football players, none of whom seem to own any other clothing aside from their probably VERY smelly uniforms . . . 

Up until this point, however, the McKinley High Football team has been able to limit their Gleeks versus Jocks rivalry to off the field.  However, when a fight erupts between Finn and Karofsky that spreads through the entire football team, causing them to LOSE their game, Coach Beiste knows that serious measures must be taken. 

And so, she turns to her new Kissing Buddy, Will Schuester, for help.

Will’s grand “Plan” involves Beiste requiring the entire football team to be part of Glee club for an entire week.  The non-Gleeky footballers, not surprisingly, balk at the idea.   Azimio for one, refuses to sing showtunes, because they were written by his “oppressors.”  

Realizing that a bit of persuasion will be needed to get the football players on board, Will invites Rachel and Puck to perform Lady Antebellum’s “Need You Now” for the now doubly large Glee Crew.

Now, don’t get me wrong, I love me some Puckleberry duets, and seeing Puck strum that guitar, while crooning softly to ANY song, is enough to make my toes curl.  But, honestly, considering the purpose of this duet was to convince a bunch of football players that Glee Club was cool, a slow romantic country ditty seems a particularly odd musical choice.  I mean, why didn’t they pick a song the football players would understand, like . . . say, “We are the Champions,” or “Eye of the Tiger,” or “We Will Rock You,”  or “Mama Said Knock You Out?”

Given the poor choice in song, I wasn’t too surprised when Azimio snarkily remarked that “The girl in the mohawk has a nice voice,” thereby prompting the entire Glee club and football team to erupt into a knock down dragout fight. 

“Oh, NO you didn’t just make fun of my AWESOME Mohawk?”

One GOOD thing that comes out if this brawl, is the reunion of former besties Puck and Finn, who decide to put aside their differences (and by “differences” I mean their tendency to swap Rachel and Quinn with one another, every other week like trading cards) and unite to promote unity amongst the football team and Glee club.  The bromantic buddies cement their partnership with a solid fist bump, of course.  (How very manly of them!)

Sue Sylvester is SCARY, and so are zombies . . .

It’s a good thing Finn and Puck decided to unite.  Because it looks like they are going to need all the help they can get!  When Principal Figgins balks at Sue’s decision to shoot Brittany out of cannon, she suddenly turns into The Hulk, and inexplicably starts throwing furniture around Mr. Figgins office, and later the gym locker room . . .

Will and the rest of the faculty begin to wonder whether Sue has finally gone off the deep end, for good.  But Sue stops throwing things around long enough to calmly explain to them, that she has moved the date of the cheerleading championships to the same day as the football championships.  This means, not only that the football team has no cheerleaders to perform its halftime show . . .

Shocking, I know . . .

 . . . but that Quinn, Santana and Brittany are once again forced to choose between Glee club and the Cheerios.  (Of course, if they attend the football game, according to Sue, they will be off the squad.)

Will comes up with the idea that the FOOTBALL players, who are honorary Glee club members this week, anyway, will perform their own halftime show, along with the rest of the Glee Club.  Coincidentally, this will NOT be the first time, the McKinley High Football players dance during a game.  Remember the whole “Put A Ring On It,” fiasco during Season 1?

Most of the football team would probably prefer that you forgot this.

What songs will the Gleeks / Footballers be performing THIS TIME you ask?  A Mashup between Michael Jackson’s Thriller and Yeah, Yeah, Yeah’s “Heads Will Roll,” of course.

Did I mention that the crew will be going to do the entire performance dressed like Football-Playing Zombies?  (Oh yes, because in addition to being able to dance an entire music number, during the ONLY break they will have during a two-hour game, these footballers, are also, apparently, experts at the application of zombie makeup!)

Interestingly enough, this is how I look sometimes when I first wake up in the morning . . .

As for the Cheerios, sadly, Sue Sylvester bullies them into quitting the Glee Club, so that they can attend the cheerleading competition.

This causes Finn to want to lecture the girls about their Bad Life Choices, like the disappointed DAD he is.  It also prompts Quinn’s not-for-long!  beau Sam to rush to the girls’ defense.  In an attempt to stay relevent to this show Macauley Culkin also challenges Finn for the position of “unofficial” Glee Club leader.  Nice try, freshman! 

Honestly, the whole fight is contrived and ridiculously stupid.  But Quinn of course, who realizes the two men are REALLY fighting over her, finds the whole thing to be incredibly HOT . . .

“Now, if you guys would kindly take off your shirts and pants right now, I’d be SOO much happier!”

Pissing contests for Quinn’s affection aside, the footballers and the Gleeks begin to rehearse their half-time number.  And I’ll be darned if they don’t do a pretty great job at it.  Interestingly enough, it’s Gay Homophobic Bully Karofsky who shows the MOST musical talent of the footballers!  So much talent, in fact, that Will suggests that HE join Glee club, for real!

Karofsky is AWE-SOME!”

To most fans surprise, Karofsky doesn’t actually seem to HATE the idea.  He even suggests that the Glee crew start off with a warm-up number, to ensure that the halftime show itself is absolutely perfect.  For the warm-up, the Glee kids choose the song “She’s Not There,” which was appropriately originally sung by a band called The Zombies.

Things take a bad turn, however, when, after performing this number, the FOOTBALL players get slusheed by . . . get this . . . the HOCKEY PLAYERS, who “cleverly” argue that the football team has just been “turned gay,” because they performed a musical number dressed as the undead.  (Honestly, I don’t think I’ve ever heard the word “gay” uttered this many times in a single hour, since I watched that movie on Logo last week.)   Of couse, the “gay” accusation totally freaks out the footballers, particularly the ACTUALLY gay, Karofsky . . .

This unfortunate incident prompts the football players to REFUSE to perform at the Halftime show, even though doing so will mean that they can’t participate in the Championship Game.  (LOSERS!)  Suddenly, the football team is at risk of forfeiting the game, due to not having enough players to compete.  Coach Beiste tries to recruit new players from the rest of the school.  However, no one seems interested in crossing the Homophobe Picket Line.

And We Are Singing About “Bills” Now, Because . . .

And it is when we are our darkest hour at McKinley High, that the producers decide to inexplicably cut to Dalton Academy.   There, in the EXACT SAME LOUNGE where we shoot ALL of our Dalton Academy Scenes, as always, Blaine is singing solo, and the rest of silent Warblers, Kurt included, are dancing around him like the faceless, personality-less minions / disciples they are  . . . 

(Oh, Kurt!  I know you want in this guy’s pants.  But you can’t honestly say that his Diva Theatrics don’t piss you off, just the slightest bit?  Especially after he waxed poetic about how everybody was part of a TEAM at this school.  The Kurt I know would NEVER accept this kind of treatment!  No matter how sexy it’s source!)

So, anyway, in typical Warblers fashion, the group dances uncomfortably around Blaine, as he croons Destiny’s Child’s “Bills, Bills, Bills.”  Not only does the song sound REALLY awkward coming from a bunch of dudes, it also seems completely out of context in this football / zombie-themed episode.  On a positive note, Darren Criss’/ Blaine’s singing is pretty solid, making what would be a pretty annoying song, actually fairly palatable.

But don’t take my word for it.  See for yourself: 

 After their “song practice” Blaine and his loyal puppy dog, Kurt, head out to lunch with new gal pals, Mercedes and Rachel, who, in light of recent events, are MAJORLY depressed about the state of their Glee club, and football team . . .

I was more than a bit worried about Kurt applying for Stepford Hubby status, when he asserted that “We [i.e. Blaine and I] love football.”  However, when he qualified that “Blaine loves football.  I love scarfs”  I felt a bit better.

As it turns out, though, Blaine actually DOES like football! 

“Who knew?”

In fact, Blaine’s vast knowledge of pigskin (no pun intended) actually ends up coming in quite handy, when he informs Rachel of precisely how many football players are needed in order not to forfeit a game.  This gives Rachel an idea.  THE GLEE GIRLS CAN PLAY FOOTBALL!  (Or, rather, they can lie down on the field, while the guys play, so they don’t get disqualified.  How’s THAT for femisist rights!) 

Let’s Hear it for the GIRLS!

Though reluctant at first, the remaining footballers ultimately agree to Rachel’s suggestion . . .

Though the girls initially planned on just LAYING on the field the whole time, a couple of them, actually ended up HELPING the team!  For example, Lauren Zizes, with her WRESTLING background, had sheer force and intimidation on her side, making her a WAY more frightening football player than most of the guys she played alongside . . .

Now THAT is seriously scary!

But it was Tina Cohen Chang who REALLY shocked her teammates, by running nearly half the field, before being very roughly sacked by a member of the opposing team.  Though her beau, Mike, was obviously extremely concerned for her well-being, as she lay on the field unconscious . . .

“Sh*&t!”

 . . . he needn’t have worried.   Because, within just a few moments, Tina was up and mumbling, “Did we win yet?”

Tina was ultimately carried off the field, a True Hero!  (Now that’s some SERIOUS girl power!  I knew you wouldn’t let me down, Glee!)

Tina’s and Lauren’s surprisingly extraordinary footballer skills aside, the team was still losing miserably, just moments before halftime.   And so, temporarily putting Sam in charge of the team, Finn and Puck decide to salvage the rest of the game, by convincing the rest of the football players, as well as cheerleaders Quinn, Santana, and Brittany, to participate in the halftime show.  Finn worked on the cheerleaders, managing to grab them, just moments before they went on the bus toward the competition. 

Speaking quickly, he told the girls mostly stuff they already knew.  Namely, (1) Sue Sylvester doesn’t really care about them, and is typically mean to them;  (2) that she doesn’t care if Brittany DIES; and (3) that the girls are strong enough to withstand the miniscule popularity decrease they might suffer from not being cheerleaders anymore; (4) it’s hightime they wore something other than those stupid uniforms, for a change.  The girls agree because that’s what the plot requires hem to do, and jointly tell Sue that they are quitting the Cheerios. 

 “You are all my stars!  If you leave, I will have no performance,” Sue notes, admitting for the first time just how important these girls are to her success.

“Sucks for you,” snaps back Quinn, as the trio follows Finn back toward the football field.

Predictability aside, it was great scene.  And, I’m not going to lie.  Watching it, made me do something like THIS . . .

Karofsky For the WIN!  (well . . . almost)

As for Puck, he had NEARLY as much luck with the football players, ultimately getting all of them, except for Karofsky, to suit up and participate in the halftime show, which TOTALLY rocked, by the way . . .

The performance was SO rousing in fact, that Karofsky eventually sucked up his pride, and joined in mid-song.  He didn’t have any zombie makeup on of course, but it was still pretty awesome.

You can LISTEN to the song here:

After Beiste gives the rest of the football team the OK to compete, they go on to WIN THE GAME . . .

 .  . . but only because the team’s SCARY zombie makeup, and creepy repetitive chanting of “BRRAAAAAIIIINS,” freaks the crap out of the opposing team.  Nothing like playing FAIR, right?

Of course, my favorite part of all of it, had to be when one of the kids on the other team started screaming, “He bit me!  That zombie kid bit me!”  (Now THAT was hilarious!)

Lest you think Karofsky’s about to run out and join the Glee team, after that one rousing performance . . . think again!

“Why would I want to change?  I’m on top now,” asserts Karofsky, when Finn gives him his formal Gleek invitation (provided he head over to Dalton and personally apologize to Kurt, first, of course). 

Note: A  lot of fans were annoyed by this.  But I personally thought it was the right move, on the part of the writers.  For Karofsky to morph from Evil Homophobic Bully to Proud Glee Club star, in a single episode, would be completely unrealistic, in my opinion.  Not to mention, I doubt the rest of the Glee Club would accept him into their circle so easily, after what he did to Kurt — nor SHOULD THEY! 

The mere thought of it makes me weepy . . .

That being said, I do think the Karofsky character is on the path toward redemption.  And I’m very eager to see where his arc goes.  Right now, Karofsky is probably one of the most complex characters on this show.

Finn may not have had that much luck with Karofsky, but he did WAY better with Quinn, who, despite dating Macauley Culkin’s twin Sam for the past few episodes, spent the entire hour eye f*&king Finn.  She then concluded the episod,  by planting a fat wet one on his lips, right in the center of the school hallway . . .

Whatever Finn’s feelings for the recently dumped Rachel might be, you could tell that our resident Alpha Male was TRULY effected by Quinn’s kiss.  Note how the Smitten Boy kept his eyes closed for a full three seconds after she tongued him, as if not wanting his Wet Dream to end!  Now, whatever your couple loyalties are on this show, you have to admit, it was kind of adorable . . .

And given that this coming Tuesday is the show’s Valentine’s Day episode, we can be sure that this won’t be the last we will hear about that game-changing kiss.

Awww, don’t feel left out, Puck!  I’ll totally make out with YOU!

And that was Glee’s Super Bowl Spectacular.  Did you watch?  If so, what did you think?  Did you find the placement of “Bills, Bills, Bills” as awkward an unnecessary as I did?  Are you a fan of this sort-of new and improved Karofsky?  Are you on Team Fuinn?  Feel free to sound off in the comment section, below!

[www.juliekushner.com]

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Would you like some wine with your cheesy? – A Recap of Glee’s Mid-Season Finale “A Very Glee Christmas”

“Is that an elf in your pants, Santa, or are you just happy to see me?”

Ahhhhh, Christmas.  It’s a holiday seeped in tradtion: the presents, the mistletoe, the egg nog, those ugly Christmas sweaters, the Yule Log, those ridiculous old made-for-tv movies on Lifetime and ABC Family . . .

It’s enough to nauseate warm even the coldest of hearts . . .

This week’s pre-hiatus Glee episode was all about the Holiday of Giving.  And it offered up enough Christmas Cheer and Yueltide Cheese to keep you in Sugar Shock, well past New Year’s (which I guess — considering that new episodes of Glee won’t air until February 2011 — is a good thing). 

Poor Will!  Based on the way things ended for him this episode, it doesn’t look like he’s going to be getting LAID, until after the Superbowl, either . . .

Let’s recap, shall we?

Secret Santas Got a Brand New Bag

When the episode opens, Emma — who has experienced some major coldness from the MAN WHO IS NOT-SO-SECRETLY IN LOVE WITH HER, ever since she announced to him that she ran off with Jesse from Full House Dr. Carl Howell for a Plot Device Vegas Wedding  — invites Will to a Christmas party at the Tanner Household La Casa de Carl.

“Have MERCY!”

Understandably, Will looks like he would rather stab an ice pick through his heart, than spend Christmas watching Emma and Carl PDA and “Santa Baby” on the “Most Wonderful Night of the Year.”  (Can you blame him?)

Fortunately, Will’s Sulkfest 2010 is interrupted by a Beiste Bearing Gifts . . . well actually . . . more like a Beiste bearing names, as the faculty at McKinley High plans to exchange Secret Santa gifts this year.  Will gets THIS NAME . . .

 . . . which makes him do this .  . . again.

We later learn that Sue Sylvester has actually rigged the Secret Santa so that EVERYONE pulls her name.  In the words of Stephanie Tanner from Full House,  HOW RUUUUUUUUDE!

Meanwhile .  . .

I Saw Someone Still Believing in Santa Claus . . .

When Artie learns that his “Very Special” girlfriend, Brittany, still believes in Santa Claus, he becomes determined to preserve the Magic of Christmas for her.  But he ultimately ends up shooting himself in the foot (wow that was inappropriate on SO many levels), when he takes Brittany to Santa Land at the mall.

While the rest of the Glee kids ask “Santa” for reasonable things like “bling” (Santana), “Puck’s Love” ( me Lauren Zizes), or for Channing Tatum to star in less stuff (Mike) . . .

(I think its an “abs” thing.  Some guys just don’t know how to handle a little competition . . .)

(Coincidentally, you can catch Channing Tatum in the upcoming film The Dilemma, starting January 14, 2011.)

 . . . Brittany asks for Artie to be able to walk, which reminded me of the time when he DANCED . . .

But, seeing how that was just a dream sequence . . . yeah . . . Artie is kind of screwed.

Would you rather be slusheed, or hit in the head with a designer shoe?

While Brittany has no trouble keeping herself in the Christmas spirit, the rest of the Glee kids are feeling a bit more Scroogey.  After all, they are STILL getting slusheed in the hallways (though now the slushees are in festive Christmas colors!).  And, when they try to sing “Need a Little Christmas” to classes around the school, in order to collect money for a charitable holiday class trip . . .

 . . . they get heckled and hit in the head with Christmas boots.  Bah Humbug!  Decorating the Glee choir room and singing “Welcome Christmas” does little to lift the kids spirits.  Although THIS helps some . . .

Speaking of sporting a little Christmas Wood . . .

Blaine and Kurt heat things up, while singing about the cold . . .

In my absolute favorite performance of the evening (even though plotwise, it didn’t really fit in with the rest of the episode, AT ALL), Blaine finds Kurt studying alone in the lounge at Dalton Academy, and asks him for a sexual favor.  You see, Blaine was selected to sing “Baby it’s Cold Outside” at some random Christmas pageant, and simply can’t play with himself practice alone. 

And so, the duo launch into a modern take on the classic song.  The result is fun and adorable enough to warm the cockles of even my cold, cold heart.   Those of you who haven’t seen it yet, can enjoy it here:

After the solo, Will randomly shows up at Dalton Academy — a school that not only has a “No Tolerance for Violence” policy, but, apparently, also has NO SECURITY WHATSOEVER.  You would think that the Spanish-teacher-who-hasn’t-spoken-a-lick-of-Espanol-since-the-pilot-episode was there to wish Kurt a Merry Christmas, or give him advice of some sort.  But NOOOOOOO . . . this visit was all about Will, and his problems!  (What else is new?)

You said it, Sista!

Here’s Kurt, suffering the slings and arrows of unrequited luuuuuuuuuve, and all Will wants to do is bitch about how can’t figure out what to get Sue for her Secret Santa gift.  Selfish much?

OOPS!

Will’s only gift ideas so far have been a Robot Dog and a Soul.  Now, I don’t know about that whole “Soul” thing, but a Robot Dog would be an AWESOME Christmas present . . . (hint, hint Mom .  . . if you are reading this)

(My cat would never be without a companion!)

Kurt suggests a fur-lined tracksuit, instead . . . and I, for one, am hoping he meant faux-fur . . .  At least, with the Robo Dog, you can be sure that no living creatures were harmed in its making . . .

Though some might beg to differ with that assessment . . .

You’re a Mean One, Sue the Grinch

Coincidentally, this is exactly what I look like, after eating bad cafeteria food . . .

On Secret Santa exchange day, Emma and the rest of the teachers quickly discover that Sue rigged the Name Pot (Name Jar?), in order to get all the presents for herself . . .

“You a regular Agatha Christie, except even more sexless,” Sue says of Emma, when the latter reveals Sue’s devious plan to the rest of the faculty.

The teachers stomp off in a collective huff, as Sue, along with her new minion, Becky, sort through all her new Christmas gifts with sadistic glee . . .

Not surprisingly, about six different people got her The Shake Weight . . .

Teachers and Late Night Infomercials — It’s a Match Made in Heaven (plus tax)

Eventually, Will returns to take all Sue’s gifts back.  He claims she has no legal right to them (which, I guess is true, but, then again, neither does he).  Will plans to take the undeserved gifts to the underprivileged children in a nearby district.  Though honestly, I’m not sure what a bunch of kids would do with an adult fur-lined track suit, a blender, and six shake weights . . .)

Sue, of course, is APPALLED . . .

“I’m appalled.”

And so, she decides to get revenge, by inexplicably painting her face Grinch Green (riiiiight, because no one will recognize her NOW!), and heading to the choir room — along with her trusty Reindog Becky — to steal back the gifts, and ruin Christmas for Will and the Glee kids . . .

While Sue and Becky snatched presents, smashed ornaments, tore tinsel, slashed mistle toe, and cut down the Glee tree, a voice in the background eerily broke into a rendition of Sue the Grinch.  I later learned that voice belonged — not to anyone in the Glee cast — but, instead, to K.D. Lang .  . .

Ummmm  . . . yeah . . . because that’s not random at all.

At the end of the song, Brittany arrives, decked out in her best Cindy Lou Who attire . . .

(By the way Gossip Girl fans, I bet you will never guess who played Cindy Lou Who in the movie version of the Grinch Who Stole Christmas . . .  I’ll give you a hint, her name starts with a Raccoon and ends with a Zombie.)

Meet Cindy Lou Who, also known as Little J / Taylor Momsen.  Poor Dr. Seuss must be rolling over in his grave right about now . . .

Anywho . . . Brittany mistakes Sue for Santa (Other things Brittany mistakes for Santa: tomatos, bananas, Stop Signs, Soap Scum on her shower.).  Not seeming the least concerned that Santa is “green” and “ruining Christmas,” Brittany joyfully admits to the Grinch herself, that the presents under the tree are for the homeless.  Brittany’s innocence and sheer honesty, in the face of such evil, makes Sue turn a little green . . .

. . . but it doesn’t make her feel bad enough to clean up her mess . . .

The next day, the Glee kids enter the choir room to find THIS . . .

Determined to save Christmas for his fellow Gleeks (it is his favorite holiday, after all), Finn offers to go pick out another tree for the choir room.  And Rachel (seeking entrance back into The Finn Hudson Pantalones) offers to come along for the ride.  After all, her first bid to win back Finn’s heart — which involved, you guessed it, her SINGING (lamest . . . Christmas gift . . . ever . . . Cheapskate) — failed miserably.  So, she really had nothing to lose!

“Merry Christmas, Darling.  Please enjoy the Gift of My Voice to make up for the fact that you are no longer entitled to the Gift of My Virginity . . .”

At the Christmas Tree Farm, Finn and Rachel sing a duet of the song Last Christmas . . .

When the song is over, Rachel, who has rubbed herself in car air freshener, for the occasion . . .

The best little roll-on perfume $2.50 can buy!

 . . . makes her second play of the hour for Finn’s fickle heart.  “Last year for Christmas, I asked Santa to give me you even though I am Jewish, and don’t celebrate Christmas and he did!  It’s time for you to forgive me,” she said matter-of-factly, offering him a big wet and slobbery tongue kiss, as proof of the veracity of her statement.

But Finn, who is a self-righteous asshat (WOW!  I can’t believe I am actually taking Rachel’s side on this one), runs away like the whiny b*tch he is.   In doing so, the bastard completely forgets about his lofty plans to “Save Christmas,” and leaves Rachel to smell like the inside of a car, all by her lonesome . . .  (Then again, maybe smelling Pine Fresh, will make it easier for Rachel to hitch a ride home with a Lonely Trucker or Hairy Mountain Man.)

“Last Christmas, I gave you my heart, and the very next day, you gave me a fart . . .”

Meanwhile, back in the Better Plotline . . .

Brittany, Meet Santa Claus . . .

The Glee kids beg the increasingly adorable Shannon Beiste to be “Santa” at Brittany’s house, because she “has the right body type.”  (Yeah . . . because THAT’S not insulting at all!)  Artie hopes that “Santa” can kindly break the news to Brittany that “he” will not be able to get Brittany her requested gift of A Walking Artie . . .

That night, Brittany is thrilled to see Santa Beiste doing a “Christmas Dry Run,” right in her own living room!

However, her face falls, when “Santa” explains to her that she must instead give Brittany the gift of patience, instead of what she asked for, as “fixing Artie’s legs” is not a present that can be delivered overnight.  To support her position, Beiste tells Brittany the story of a husky young girl who wished that Santa would make her look like all the other girls for Christmas.  But, instead, Santa gave her the gift of “patience,” allowing her the time to eventually realize that she didn’t really WANT to look like all the other girls after all!

Gee, I wonder who that “Little Girl” could be?

“Was it Ricki Lake?”  Brittany asks.

(You’ve gotta love when the writers of this show have the Glee kids making totally age inappropriate pop culture references.)

Though Brittany feigns a polite perkiness with Santa Beiste, the next day, Artie finds his girlfriend at her locker, looking completely crestfallen.  “I used to believe that Santa could do anything. If Santa isn’t magical, I don’t even know if I want to believe anymore,” she mutters.

In a move that makes me LOVE this couple even more than I did last week (Sorry Team Artina, I am 100% Team Bartie now!), Artie rushes Brittany home, to help her cope with her newfound crisis of faith.  Once there, however, Brittany finds a very special gift under her tree . . .

It’s called a Re-Walk, and its experimental technology allows people, heretofore bound to wheelchairs, temporary use of their limbs.  (Believe it or not, Re-Walk technology is very real.  You can read more about it here.)  Artie brought his Re-Walk back to school, to share it with the rest of the Gleeks.  Seeing her Christmas wish come true literally brought tears of joy to Brittany’s usually vacant eyes . . .

And, all cheese aside, if this Glee moment didn’t melt your heart, just the slightest bit, you are simply not human . . .

No offense!

Speaking of melted hearts . . .

How Sue Saved Christmas . . .

Desperate times call for Desperate Measures, and when Will finds the Glee kids, going all Gift of the Magi on themselves, to raise money for their trip to see the underprivileged kids, he is impressed and disturbed at the same time.  (The boys gave up their watches, while the girls were prepared to chop off their hair.  Umm . . .  does that sound like an unfair trade off to anyone else?) 

Fortunately, Will has a money-making idea that will allow the girls to keep their luscious locks, and the boys to still always know when its time for sex lunch.

In the next scene, the Glee kids sing in front of a group, for the second time this hour.  This time. however, the audience is made up of teachers.  So, the kids won’t have to worry about getting shoes thrown at them again . . .

Well . . . maybe they have to worry a little bit.

The song the kids sang, as their coffers filled with faculty donations, was “Welcome Christmas,” a song with which, I’ll admit, I was completely unfamiliar, before this episode.   And yet, one line of the song really stood out for me:  “Christmas time it will always be, just as long as we have Glee Tuesday nights at 8 p.m. on Fox”  Now how’s THAT for product placement?

Conveniently, at the last moment, Sue walks in on the “caroling,” and immediately vomits is touched with the Christmas spirit.   By the time the kids return to the choir room, all the Shake Weights are back under the tree, and everything is as it should be.

But wait!  There’s MORE!  Sue also convinces the Glee kids to go to WILL’S house, so that he doesn’t have to spend Christmas alone.  (What’s the matter Glee kids?  Do none of you have parents?)  Will is touched by the gesture, and shocked that it was Sue who orchestrated it.  “I thought you hated the holidays,” says Will incredulously.

“No, I just hate you,” Sue replies.

Did I mention that Sue bought Will a Christmas gift too?

It’s a razor!  So, Will can shave his HEAD!  Get it?  Well . . . I guess some things never change.  (And yet . . . now that Sue mentions it, Will would look kind of hot with a crew cut . . . kind of like Channing Tatum . . .)

Sorry Mike!

The last moments of this very Yuletidey mid-season finale feature the Glee kids celebrating Christmas together at Will’s house . . .

It’s a schmaltzy, but sweet, end, to a schmaltzy, but sweet, Glee episode.  Well, that’s all I’ve got, folks.  So, Merry Gleestmas to all, and to all a Good Night! 

(Oh, and see you next year, my fellow Gleekys!)

[www.juliekushner.com]

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