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“Stronger, Meaner . . . SEXY!” – A Recap of The Vampire Diaries’ Season 2 Premiere “The Return”

I’m a bitch, I’m a bitch
Oh the bitch is back
Stone cold sober as a matter of fact
I can bitch, I can bitch
`Cause I’m better than you
It’s the way that I move
The things that I do

                                            –– lyrics from Elton John’s oh-so-apropos-to-this-episode song, “The Bitch is Back”

*      *       *       *

“But you’re different.  Stronger, meaner . . . SEXY!”

These iconic words were uttered by Katherine at around the halfway point of The Vampire Diaries Season Premiere episode, “The Return.”  And, while they were certainly accurate, regarding the person to whom they refer [Stefan], if this episode is any indication, I would extend the comment to the ENTIRE Second Season of The Vampire Diaries.  After all, “The Return” was ALL of those adjectives, rolled into one deliciously bloody package.  STRONGER . . .

MEANER . . .

and most definitely SEXY!

But before I begin recapping this AMAZING episode, perhaps we should get some “academic” stuff out of the way, first.  If you are a “fangbanger” (i.e. LOVER of all things VAMPIRE) like I am, you probably already know that this genre comes with RULES.  And each vampire story — be it a television show, or a movie, or a book — tweaks those rules a little bit, to meet its needs.   Here are some examples:

Rule:  All vampires must act suspiciously Mormon . . .

Rule:  All vampires must act definitively NOT Mormon!

Understanding the vampire RULES of a particular story is important because it will help you understand the story itself.  It also might help you to predict what comes next.  And being able to predict what comes next, makes you SMART.  Kind of like THIS GUY . . .

The Vampire Diaries’ RULES were of particular importance to this episode  – perhaps, more so than any episode of the show that has aired so far.  So, without further adieu.  Here are our RULES:

1) The Ugly Ass Ring of (sort of) Immortality

For whatever reason, The Vampire Diaries has put much emphasis on this . . . the ugliest ring I have EVER SEEN!  This is the kind of ring that, if a kid found it in his cereal box, it would probably make him cry . . .

In fact, I’m convinced that the reason that people tend not to DIE when they are wearing this ring, is that they wouldn’t want to be caught DEAD IN IT!  (Sorry, Papa Gilbert!)  Ugly Ass Ring protects the wearer from death by any supernatural being, regardless of whether the death itself contained within it any sort of supernatural element.  So, for example, Ugly Ass Ring would protect you from Damon, and his penchant for breaking people’s necks . . .

. . . or HUNGRY Stefan, and his tendency toward the Accidental Draining of Humans . . .

. . . or Katherine and her love of (staking, hand chopping, pillow smothering, strangling, carotid artery devouring, etc.)

But, it would not protect you from drowning (again, sorry Papa Gilbert!) or from Useless Aunt Jenna BORING you to death . . .

(Note:  Ugly Ass Ring is not to be confused with “Sunscreen Ring,” which Damon, Stefan, Katherine, and seemingly EVERY vampire on the show wears to enable them to walk in the sun.  Clearly, there was a HUGE sale on Sunscreen Rings back at Vamp-Mart!  Ugly Ass Rings, however, are exceedingly rare.)

2) The Healing Powers of Vampire Blood

If ingested prior to, or shortly after injury, Vampire Blood can heal you, or, possibly, SAVE YOUR LIFE!

But it only lasts about 24 hours.  After that, you get hurt?  Get dead?  YOU’RE SCREWED!

3) Turning into a vampire . . .

If you’ve ingested vampire blood, and then DIE the same day — OR you ingest vampire blood at or near the time of your death — you WILL become a vampire.  Once that happens, you have THREE DAYS to feed on human blood, or you will die . . . for good, this time.

So, now that we’ve all got our RULES down, LET’S START THE SHOW!

“911.  What’s your emergency?”

Season 2 picks up literally right where Season 1 ended.  However, it replays the events from a slightly different perspective, so that fans can fill in the gaps of what actually went on here.  Again, we see Damon kiss Katherine, thinking she’s Elena . . .

. . . which is interrupted by LAME and Useless Aunt Jenna’s arrival.   She also INVITES Katherine inside!  (MORON!)  Useless Aunt Jenna then conveniently leaves to “talk to the fire chief,” or something else random like that.  Katherine explains this to Uncle / Father / Whatever John Gilbert, before CHOPPING HIS FINGERS OFF AND STAKING HIM IN THE TUMMY!

That’s ONE way to dispose of the Ugly Ass Ring . . .

Cut to Elena chatting with Stefan about how her “stuff” got stolen (by Katherine).  She wants Stefan to pick her up at the house and take her to the hospital to check on Caroline.  But when Elena enters the house she finds THIS . . .

Elena attempts to staunch John’s bleeding, while calling for an ambulance.  However, she SHOULD be calling for THIS GIRL, instead . . .

 John whispers something to Elena.  She can’t hear him, so she asks him to repeat himself.  “BEHIND YOU!”  He repeats, echoing what fans have been yelling at their television screens during the ENTIRE 911 call!

Elena then rushes up to Jeremy’s bedroom and finds him, as Season 1 left him, OD’ed on pills, passed out, and with a smidgeon of Vampire Anna’s blood in his system.  (IS HE DEAD?  HAS HE TURNED VAMP?) 

Elena screams his name a few times, and shakes him.  At first he is unresponsive.  However, after what seemed like WAY TOO LONG, he awakens, gasping loudly for air.

Cue the title card, which I am told is NEW, but looks more or less the same to me.  (I think they just added a blood drip, and took the old flower away.)

The CW Graphics Department:  Changing the way you view The Vampire Diaries . . . one missing flower at a time . . .

“You mean, I’m NOT a vampire?  Damn!”

Stefan arrives just as Uncle / Father / Whatever John is being carted off into the ambulance.  Elena rushes to Stefan telling him what SHE thinks happened — that one of the Tomb Vampires (a.k.a. Hidey Hole Vamps) followed her home, and staked Uncle / Father / Whatever for sh&ts and giggles.  Elena then takes Stefan into Jeremy’s room, where Stefan does some sort of creepy Jedi Mind Trick on him, to make sure he’s not a vampire.  (Why not just check his pulse?)  “He’s fine,” Dr. Stefan confirms.

“You mean, I’m not a vampire?  Damn!”  Jeremy pouts, reminding us just how young the character actually is. (And, in the process, making all fans over the age of 20, feel just a little dirty for lusting after him, in his new tan and floppy hairdo).

Elena can’t understand, for the LIFE of her, why ANYONE would want to be undead, and she tells Jeremy as much . . . RIGHT IN FRONT OF STEFAN.  (Ummm . . . yeah . . . way to be a supportive girlfriend, Fangbanger!)

Apparently, Elena only likes SPECIFIC portions of “vampire” inside of her . . .

Dr. Stefan explains to Jeremy that he didn’t take enough pills to off himself (SUICIDE FAIL!).  The “Kinder Gentler Vamp” then slaps Jeremy around a bit for talking back to Mommy and not eating his peas at dinner to convince him not to attempt SUICIDE THE SEQUEL.  Sure, Anna’s blood saved Jeremy’s life once.  But after a few hours, it will be gone from his system.  And next time, he might not be so lucky.  Mommy and Daddy Stefan and Elena ultimately decide to GROUND Jeremy.  Then, Elena heads off to the hospital alone, to check on Caroline.

“Does this mean I won’t get Christmas presents from Santa?”

“You’ve GOT to be KIDDING ME!”

“Ex-Girlfriend-Look-Alike-Who-I-REALLY-Want-to-Bang say WHAT?”

Back at the hospital, Matt and Bonnie are waiting outside Caroline’s room comforting one another . . .

 . . . while a surprisingly sensitive Damon comforts Caroline’s mom . . .

Which one is the cougar?

Then Elena comes, and Matt and Caroline’s mom inexplicably disappear (as both are wont to do, whenever anything good happens on this show).  Damon taunts Bonnie a bit about her inability to cure Caroline through witchiness.  He suggests that HE can heal Caroline by feeding her.  “The blood will be out of her system in a day,” explained Damon, nonchalantly.  (There go those RULES again .  . .)

Elena is skeptical about the whole thing, but Bonnie agrees with Damon.

 Then, Damon asks Bonnie if they can have “a TRUCE” and Bonnie says, “No!”

(Saying no to Damon?  That girl’s got some CAJONES!  Clearly, she’s never seen him do the Eye Thing . . .)

 Speaking of the Eye Thing, after Bonnie leaves, Damon lays a strong heaping helping of the stuff on Elena.  His fingers deftly grabbing hold of her tiny wrist, Damon propositions Elena to talk about “The Kiss that Made the Whole World Drool.”

“Listen, I know this is a bad time to discuss this, but I really think we should talk about what happened last night on the porch.”

(Oh, Damon.  You kissed a girl, and you actually want to TALK about it?  Boy, you ARE SMITTEN!  You are so DEEP in SMIT, it is not even funny. — Special thanks to Amy, for the “Deep in Smit” line ;)).

Elena, who of course, has NO CLUE what Damon is talking about, blows him off. 

“I know you want to forget about it, but I CAN’T!”  Damon stage whispers.

(Tsk, tsk . . . he’s like a needy pre-teen girlfriend.  Poor Damon!)

But just when we are about to have fun, Useless Aunt Jenna arrives, to spoil things again . . .

It’s Dr. Feel Bored!

Elena asks Jenna where she’s been.  When Jenna starts explaining how she SPOKE to Elena earlier (about her lame fire department errand), and Elena looks dumbfounded, Damon finally puts two and two together.  “You have GOT to be KIDDING ME!”  He exclaims, as the realization that he has just been Katherine-d, reaches his  skull . . .

“At least I fooled ONE of you . . .”

Stefan is at the Gilbert home babysitting Jeremy, when “Elena” returns (but WE know it’s actually Katherine, because she’s got big curly “F*ck Me” hair, and wears A LOT of eye makeup).

Stefan asks “Elena” about how Caroline is doing.  She says, “Not good,” and pulls him in for a hug.  Suddenly Stefan is TOTALLY vamped out, and has pushed Katherine against the wall.  (Unlike his brother, Stefan KNOWS his Straight Hair from his F*ck Me Hair!)

“Elena’s rollers don’t make curls that big.  And I would know, because I have borrowed them on MANY occasions . . .”

But the older, stronger, Katherine eventually gets the best of Stefan, and flips him to the ground like a WWF wrestler, disappearing just as Damon and Elena arrive back at the house.

Where do I know this facial expression from?

Yep!  That’s the one!

“What happened?”  A still clueless Elena inquires.

“Katherine happened,” explains Damon.

“If Katherine wants you dead, there is ZERO you can do about it!”

After heading upstairs to explain everything that is going on to Jeremy, Elena returns to the living room for the First Salvatore Summit of Season 2!

This small scene had some of the BEST quotes in the WHOLE episode!  So, please forgive me, if this section reads more like a script, than a recap.

“Katherine was in the house.  That means she’s been invited in by my Useless Aunt Jenna.  What do we do?”  Elena asks, nervously.

“MOVE preferably to mine and Stefan’s La Casa de Rich and Awesome,”  Damon snarks.  “Listen, if Katherine wants you dead you will be dead.  And there’s zero you can do about it.  But you’re NOT dead.  So, clearly, she has other plans.”

“Actually, Elena, I just stopped by to see if you would give me dance lessons.  And to ask whether you would mind terribly, if I ruined your ENTIRE life.”

But Stefan’s not really thinking about Homeland Security, right now.  He’s more concerned with GIRLFRIEND security.  Stefan wants to know what Katherine meant when she said, “At least I fooled one of you.”

Damon very proudly admits to falling for Katherine’s evil Elena Faking tricks, if only to lay this gem on his little brother.  “Just to prevent any more frown lines from forming on your very crowded forehead.  We kissed.”

“HEY!  I DO NOT HAVE WRINKLES!  I engage in a thorough cleansing and moisturing regimen on my face EVERY NIGHT, using six different creams . . .”

But, just in case, Stefan was unclear as to what Damon meant, Damon willingly elaborated.  “Two lips pucker and they .  . . (makes kissy noises).”

Now THOSE are lips MADE for kissing!

Stefan vampire lunges at Damon, but Elena stops the brawl, by explaining that SHE would NEVER kiss Damon.  (Nevermind, that she ALMOST kissed him, about 6 times last season . . .)

DENIAL, ain’t just a river in Egypt, Elena!

Once all the COCK fighting is done . . .

 . . . the next item on the agenda is figuring out what Katherine WANTS.

“She’s Katherine.   She loves to play games,” offers Damon. 

His proffered solution?  “Ignore the bitch . . .  then, we’ll stake her .  . . rip her head off . . . something poetic . . .”

(Ummmm .  . . and what kind of effed up POETRY is that, Damon?)

Elena’s and Stefan’s idea is a bit more cogent.   They figure, since Katherine tried to KILL Uncle / Father / Whatever John, he must know her motive.   So, off AGAIN to the hospital they go.

There, we learn that (1) Caroline’s alive (at least, for now); and

 . . . she has BAD taste in television.

I guess it would be too “meta” for her to watch The Vampire Diaries.

“I will turn you into a vampire, and watch you hate yourself more than you already do.”

“Uncle John, your lipstick is a bit smudged.  Mind if I fix it for you?”

Once Uncle John is done freaking out at the sight of his own biological daughter, who he THINKS is Katherine, Elena returns his Ugly Ass Ring, to what looks like his re-attached fingers?  Perhaps, Elena neatly packed them in brown doggie bag, before carting John off in the ambulance?  (She can be very maternal that way.)  Otherwise, I’m not quite sure how they got back . . .

“Look MA!  No hands!”

Uncle John, who’s basically IGNORED Elena her whole life (not to mention, LEFT her with USELESS AUNT JENNA!), suddenly decides he’s Father of the Year, and, therefore, deserves a say in his daughter’s life.  He starts talking smack on Stefan.  “Kill me, or get out!  Because I can’t stand the sight of you with MY daughter!”  He grandstands, looking SUPER manly, in his wimpy plastic hospital gown.

But Elena isn’t having ANY of it.    “You see the world with such hatred.  It is going to get you killed,” she seethes, before storming out and leaving her Bio Dad alone with an angry vampire.

That’s when Stefan does this . . .

“Tastes like chicken.”

After forcing a nice heaping portion of Type Vampire Blood down Uncle John’s throat, Stefan explains that if John doesn’t leave town within 24 hours (There’s that RULE again.), “I will turn you into a vampire, and watch you hate yourself more than you already do.”

(Sidenote:  It’s interesting to see this New Stefan, who has learned, since last season, to dole out his rage in a more controlled and effective manner.  No more munching on pageant princesses, when the hunger gets to be too much.  Also, Stefan’s comment to Uncle John about self-loathing, is a bit ironic — seeing as how, last season, Stefan was the most self-loathing vampire ON THE PLANET.  He used to believe that part of himself made him a monster.  Now he sees that he can use it to protect those he loves and get what he wants.  This scene is a perfect example of that.)

When Stefan admitted to Elena what he did, I expected her to be pissed and judgy.  But she was CLEARLY turned on by the whole thing . . .

“I’m totally undressing you with my eyes now, Stefan.”

Aren’t we all, Elena.  Aren’t we all . . .

“We haven’t officially met.  I’m Katherine.”

Meanwhile, the ENTIRE rest of the town seems to be at the Mayor’s mansion for the former Mayor Lockwood’s pre-funeral party(?), post-funeral party(?) . . . Whatever, it was, most of the guests were dressed more like they were going to hoedown,then to the home of a once prominent community figure.  Particularly, THIS GUY . . .

 . . . Mason Lockwood, who has many times been referred to as the “black sheep” of the Lockwood family, because he . . . likes surfing . . .

So, it was surprising to see this “black sheep” dressed in ALL WHITE.  Seriously, his outfit looked like the pajamas they make patients wear in mental hospitals.  (Note to Taylor Kinney’s wardrobe designer:  Was NOT a fan of Mason’s duds.  HOWEVER, I do have some pictoral suggestions, as to how you can remedy this problem.  Wanna see?)

Now, isn’t that much better?

At the mansion, Bonnie and Damon are busy engaging in Witty Eventually-We-Will-Screw Repartee.

“So, Bonnie, do you generally prefer to be on top, or on bottom?”

Damon taunts Bonnie, bragging about how he saved Caroline’s life.  This was the same life that Bonnie had put at risk, by handing over to Uncle John the Supernatural Dog Whistle thing that made Were Tyler swerve off the road, tossing Caroline’s body, rag doll style from the car.  Bonnie doesn’t like hearing the truth about herself.  So, she uses her witchy powers to shoot a large slushie in Damon’s mouth . . .

“At least she didn’t throw it in my face, like the do to all those Glee kids!”

 . . . giving him a massive case of BRAIN FREEZE!

At the exact same time, KATHERINE is entering the mansion, because TYLER invited her in, thinking she was Elena.  Bonnie also thinks she’s Elena.  So, she starts whining to the vamp about Damon, in such a way that you just KNOW she already has the hots for him.  “He just makes me sooooo UGGHHHH!”  She gripes.  (How many times have we heard THAT line in teen shows?  “UGHHHHHH” clearly = horny)

Bonnie also conveniently explains to Katherine how Caroline has Damon’s vamp blood in her system for a few more hours.  (Important later.)  But when Bonnie touches Katherine, her spidey sense tells her , “That’s one EVIL Bitch!”

“That’s my name.  Don’t wear it out.”

Bonnie’s suspicions are confirmed when she calls Elena on her cell phone, while Katherine is still in her line of sight, and Elena answers.  Bonnie tries to escape, but it’s too late.  “We haven’t met yet.   I’m Katherine,” says the vampire politely, before shoving Bonnie up against a wall and choking her.

Bonnie once again uses her inner Slushie to temporarily gain control, but Katherine regains it easily.  Finally, Bonnie is forced to spell the doors open, exposing Katherine to the rest of Mystic Falls.  And so, she is forced to behave.  How boring.  Fortunately, Stefan has arrived, to make things interesting for her (and us . . .)

“Wanna play with me?”

After drooling a bit over Elena’s ex and Caroline’s current Guy Friday, Matt  (“UGHHHHH . . . His eyes are SO BLUE!”  She coos.  See what I mean about the UGGHHHHH?), Katherine takes Stefan outside for a little chat.  “You wanna play with me,” she asks flirtatiously.

“How do I play, if I don’t know the rules?”  He inquires.

“No rules, Stefan,” she replies.

After being told he’s stronger, meaner, and sexy, the obviously aroused, Stefan (Can you blame him?  These two are HOT together, with a capital “OT”!), finally remembers he has a girlfriend.  “Don’t flirt with me, Katherine.  I’m not Damon.  I haven’t been pining over you for 145 years.”

“Based on your current choice of girlfriends, I’d say differently,” Katherine demurs (TOUCHE!)

Throughout the whole scene, the two characters are up in one another’s grills so much, you can almost see the steam rising from their bodies.  Katherine explains that she came back for Stefan — that it was always Stefan, and that it hurts that he has fallen for someone else.    Stefan assures her that he never loved her, that everything they had together was as a result of her compulsion on him, and that she is a “lying, selfish, manipulative bitch,” who he hates. (Gee Stefan, why don’t you tell us how you REALLY feel?)

“Hate, huh?   The way I see it, that’s the beginning of a love story, not the end,” posits Katherine, before calmly staking Stefan in the stomach with a poker.

Who knew the phrase “love hurts” could be taken so literally?

“Doppelganger hijinks ensued.”

“A Broody Damon is a Sexy Damon.  Heck, ANY Damon is a Sexy Damon!”

While Team Kefan fans are drooling over the Katherine / Stefan drama OUTSIDE, Team Delena fans are waiting hopefully for their favorite couple to return to their happy place, INSIDE.  Elena approaches Damon all concerned, and shrinky, wanting to “talk about his feelings.”   (Oh sure!  NOW she wants to talk . . .)  Back to being a typical dude, Damon claims he’s just fine.  “Doppelganger hijinks ensued,” and he lived to tell the tale.  (Give this man an “I SURVIVED Doppelganger Hijinks” t-shirt, please.)

But, not knowing when to give up, Elena keeps pushing Damon to open up, claiming that he is “hurt,” and in trying to deny that hurt will do something stupid.  (Gee, foreshadow, much?)

Knowing she’s right, Damon changes the subject to one he’s more interested in, “The Kiss.”  Clearly, all this time, some part of Damon (and some part of US fans) believed that, if Elena was on the porch with Damon that night, SHE would have kissed him too.  And its THAT thought, that keeps Damon going during what has already been a difficult episode for him.  And it’s about to get much worse.  “Why are you so surprised I would kiss you?”  Damon inquires probingly.

“I’m not surprised you kissed me.  I’m surprised you thought I would kiss you back,” responds Elena, without tone or emotion.

Massive hole in Damon’s heart #1

“Now, I’m hurt,” said Damon, sorrowfully, as the fans’ hearts collectively ache right along with his . . .

“I’d fight me!”

After skewering Damon’s most vital organ (at least, aside from his YOU-KNOW-WHAT), Elena heads outside to find Stefan hunched over, and nursing his own puncture wound.  Dr. Stefan, Nurse Elena is now reporting for duty!

Damon arrives outside, just in time to see Elena helping Stefan lift up his shirt, revealing those INSANE abdominals of his.  “Cover up, Fabio!  There’s a crazy ex on the loose!”  Damon needles.

“Hey, Fabio’s got NOTHING on ME!”

“Hey, was STEFAN ever in an “I Can’t Believe it’s NOT Butter,” commercial?   I don’t think so!”

Knowing the start of a Classic Pissing Contest when she sees one, Elena scampers away, and let’s the two “manly men,” duke it out over her LOVE (or lack thereof).  Damon gets in Stefan’s face and taunts him, desperately looking for a fight.

“Come ON!  Fight me!  I’d fight me!”  Damon taunts, shadow boxing like the adorable ten-year old he is deep down.

But Stefan is NO ten year old.  He’s not even a real 18 year old.  Stefan is 162.  And somewhere within the past year, he became “mature.” 

Maturity sucks!  I want to see a fight!

And yet, as much as I was disappointed that Damon and Stefan weren’t going to have a repeat of their classic Pilot Episode throwdown, I was PROUD of Stefan for FINALLY, after an entire season, being able to see the humanity in Damon.  “You kissed [Elena] because you feel something for her.   You care.  It means you are WILLING to feel something.”

Yep, Damon feels something all right . . .

But all joking aside, this was a very Sweet Salvatore Brother moment.  It was a moment when two brothers put aside their differences, and agreed to battle a common enemy, an enemy intent on tearing them apart.  You go BOYS!  (Plus, I’m sure they’ll fight over Elena at some point this season.  So, we haven’t totally missed out. . . . After all, good things come to those who wait.)

Speaking of fights . . . how did you LIKE Tyler tackling his MOM?

It takes a REAL man to fight a Mommy!

Mason explains to Tyler that his untenable rage is a result of the “Curse of Lockwood.”  (a.k.a. Were-curse)  And yet, you know what curse, I think Tyler has?  Curse of the Douchebag, that’s what!

Also on the NOT-Fighting list were Jeremy and Uncle / Father / Whatever John, who engaged in a rationale mature conversation about the merits of vampires (Jeremy was PRO, Uncle John, obviously, CON), whether Papa Gilbert was a vampire lover, the responsibility that comes with knowing supernatural secrets, and why the Ugly Ass Ring of Immortality didn’t save Jeremy’s Pop’s from death (See RULES above . . .).  On first watch, this seemed like a throwaway scene — seeing as Uncle John was skipping town, anyway.  However, I’ve come to view this little scene as one of the most important ones in the episode.  More on that later.

“Kiss me or kill me, which one will it be?”

I know, I know!  Damon never FULLY took his shirt off in THIS, the HOTTEST scene in TVD history.  But I really like this picture.  So, I decided to use it.  You got a problem with that? 🙂

After having what seemed to me like the crappiest day EVER (heart broken, brain frozen, no one to wrestle with), Damon arrives back at La Casa de Rich and Awesome to find Katherine sitting on his couch, in front of the Perpetually Burning Fire (of Damon’s heart).  The two banter back and forth a bit, testing eachother’s boundaries.  Katherine claims she’s leaving.  (LIE!)  Damon calls Katherine old. (BURN!)  Etcetera, etcetera, so on and so forth . . .

Until, Katherine utters her iconic line.  “Kiss me, or kill me, which one will it be?”

That’s when things get REALLY interesting . . .

At first, it seemed as though Damon would get the battle he was looking for.  Him and Katherine rolled on the floor together for bit, snarling and scratching eachother, testing eachothers’ ability to withstand pain.  But the more they clawed, the hotter they both became.  Suddenly, Damon was straddling Katherine, and kissing her neck and her lips.  And . . . yes . . . I do believe dry humping was involved.  Katherine closed her eyes in ecstacy.  “See?  That’s better,” she whispered, lustfully.

(See what you’re missing, Elena.  I gather STEFAN doesn’t go for rough sex!)

Then Katherine rises from the floor, and the two start fighting again.  Katherine pushes Damon against the wall.  She rips open his shirt.  He rips open hers.   And . . . . we are back to making out and dry humping . . . For a few moments, it REALLY looks like we are going to get an honest to goodness sex scene on the CW.  But then, to everyone’s MASSIVE disappointment, Damon, ever the glutton for punishment, requests a “brief pause.”

“WHAT . . . IS . . . WRONG . . . WITH  . . . YOU?!”

Poor Damon!  Well into his mid 160’s and STILL equating sex with love!  Silly boy!  Katherine is a Trick, and Trix are FOR KIDS!  A very emotional Damon tells Katherine that he will be willing to forget her basically screwing him over for  century and a half, if she just answers ONE question.  And, of course, we ALL know what that question will be . . . )

(LIE, KATHERINE!  LIE LIKE THE WIND — SO YOU CAN GET LAID . . .  and WE can WATCH!)

But Katherine DOESN’T lie.  She tells Damon that she NEVER loved him.  And that it was ALWAYS Stefan that owned her black heart.

The utter pain on Damon’s face in this moment, was enough to literally bring tears to my eyes.  I’m guessing brain freeze sounds like a good alternative to what you are feeling right now, huh Damon?

Massive holes in Damon’s hear #’s 2 through 145. 

“He got his wish.  I hate him!”

With all Damon endured during this episode, was it any wonder he turned toward the bottle?  Wouldn’t YOU?  At the Gilbert house, in Elena’s bedroom, Elena initially tried to comfort Damon, and stop him from being self-destructive.  She’s seen this train wreck coming ALL episode long, ever since Katherine re-entered their lives.  And yet, up until the last moment, she is still trying to avoid it.  Damon calls Elena a liar, for denying her feelings for him (which may very well be true.  But, of coruse, he is going about it ALL WRONG).

Then, in a move filled with heartbreak and desperation, Damon grabs Elena’s face and pulls it in for kiss, struggling with her as she tries to pull away.  The scene functions as a perfect contrast to the slow, sultry and gentle kiss that occurred between Damon and Faux-lena in the Season 1 Finale. 

Now, I’m Team Delena ALWAYS, so I was REALLY looking for something to get me hot in this kiss.  But, admittedly, there was very little.  Damon was too broken and too drunk to really work his mojo with Elena, and melt her heart the way we all KNOW he can.   This was Face Rape . . . plain and simple.  “I care about you.  I do.  I care about you,” Elena admits tearfully.  “But I love Stefan.  It has always been Stefan.”

(And, thus, we bear witness to the SECOND time in the episode, during which someone explicitly chooses Stefan over Damon.)

But this last one causes Damon to break, totally and completely.  After years of pushing aside his emotions, he finally let them win.  He fell in love . . .twice.  And all he got for it was heartbreak and pain.  He wants to turn off his feelings — the Great Vampire Myth, never truly realized.  He wants Elena to hurt the way he hurts.  But how?

And then it happens.  When Jeremy comes into the room, to see what all the commotion is about, we SEE Damon drunkenly rationalizing his next move, in that blurred head of his.  Others may dispute me, but I TRULY believe I saw him eye Jeremy’s hands, which were folded protectively across his chest.  Not just his hands.  His FINGERS. 

Then, Damon grabs Jeremy by the neck.  “You wanna be a vampire?”  He yells in the face of a petrified Jeremy.  “You wanna know what it’s like to turn your feelings off?  It’s really simple.  All you have to do is flip the switch and. . . SNAP,” concludes Damon, twisting Jeremy’s neck in one sharp turn, just as he did to Vicki the previous season.

Damon staggers backward, as Jeremy drops to the floor. Elena rushes to him, holding his hand to feel for a pulse.  Damon looks on sadly for a few moments, before leaving Elena alone to mourn.  (See?  If he REALLY thought Jeremy was dead, I DOUBT he’d be able to leave that calmly — especially in the highly emotional state he was in.)

Alone, a crying Elena looks at Jeremy’s fingers and sees the Ugly Ass Ring of Immortality, which, Uncle John must have given him prior to his departure from Mystic Falls.  Jeremy will live, it seems.  Now, Elena will just have to wait for him to wake up.  And then Stefan magically appears . . .

“I’m serious.  I have no clue when or how he got there.”

While Elena cradles Jeremy in her arms, waiting for him to reawaken, Stefan comforts Elena.  He tries to explain to her that Damon MUST have known that Jeremy was wearing the Ring, or else he couldn’t possibly have done that.  “He didn’t see the ring,” Elena argues tearfully, perfectly illuminating how, in the course of a single episode, these two have completely swapped positions, with respect to Damon’s humanity.  “He doesn’t want to feel anymore.  He wants to be hated.  Well, he got his wish.  I hate him, Stefan.”

Then, suddenly, Jeremy, gasps awake, just as he did early in the episode.  “Damon killed me,” he remarks dumbfoundedly. 

Well . . . technically .  . . yes.  But did he, REALLY?

“Game ON!”

Back at the hospital, Caroline is busy sleeping off a Jersey Shore-induced hangover, when Katherine enters her room.  “Elena?  What are you doing here?”  She asks groggily, seeming more than a bit annoyed at her “friend’s” unwelcome intrustion.

“My name is Katherine.  And I have a message for the Salvatore Brothers . . . GAME ON,”  She says evilly, as she smothers Caroline with her pillow.

There is a brief struggle, and then Caroline falls silent, her head lolling lifelessly onto her shoulder, her face pale and DEAD . . . or VAMPIRIC?  Remember the RULES, boys and girls.  Has it been 24-hours since Damon healed Caroline?  We already know that Bonnie TOLD Katherine about the healing . . .  so the knowledge is definitely there.

  Sure, a dead body belonging to the friend of the woman they both loved would send a message to Stefan and Damon.  But you know what would send a BIGGER message?  Having to BABYSIT a brand new vampire for ALL ETERNITY!  We all remember how much trouble Vicki was .  . . don’t we?

Sweet dreams, fellow Fangbangers! 😉

[www.juliekushner.com]

 

 

 

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The Last 30 Seconds Was the Best Part! – A Recap of Pretty Little Liars’ “Please, Do Talk About Me When I’m Gone.”

“Hey!  Watch where you’re putting those hands, Jason Di-Grabby Fingers!  Who do you think we are, Toby and Jenna?  I’ll be watching you.” – A

Last night’s episode of Pretty Little Liars was unusually thinky and philosophical, wasn’t it?  In it, the girls discussed “deep” topics such as “immortality,” “aging,” and “leaving a legacy behind after death.”  I bet you didn’t realize you were watching such a SMART show, did you?

“These discussions are nice and all, but I was kind of hoping we’d get to discuss more important things:  like whether we like Fitzy’s new haircut!”

Yeah, see . . . here’s the thing.  Pretty Little Liars is not a show I watch for “deep thoughts.”  So, before I begin my recap, I have a little message for the writers.  In the future, less waxing poetic about the meaning of life, and MORE snarky messages from A / sex with inappropriately-aged men, OK?

Sorry, I just couldn’t help myself.

Glad we got that straightened out.   On with the recap . . .

Life’s a beach, and then you die . . .

“Does this insanely large ego, make me look fat?”

When the episode opens, our four main characters are making final preparations for Ali’s Memorial Service, which is set to occur that weekend.  They roll out this big scary-looking wooden box . . . the kind that always carries a ferocious tiger, or massive gorilla, in the cartoons.  Unfortunately, this box doesn’t contain anything so exciting . . . just this . . .

When the green packing noodles are the most interesting thing inside your box, you know you’ve made a bad purchase.

Despite this “Memorial Fountain” being hideously ugly, the girls marvel over its “sheer awesomeness.”  Aria ruminates a bit about how, long after everyone has forgotten SHE existed, Ali will still be remembered as “the dead girl who had the lame fountain named after her.”  Aria’s trying to be respectful of her long lost pal, but we all know she secretly wishes a monument could be erected in her honor – one that, for centuries to come, will be considered “home” by countless cigarette butts, gobs of drooly backwash, and piles of bird sh&t.

Aria’s Memorial Fountain

“That’s immortality, my darlings,” coos Spencer, in this weird whispery voice that kind of creeps me out.  Suddenly, we are flashed back to the previous summer.  The girls are hanging out at the local pool, looking pretty . . . except for Hanna, who’s wearing a t-shirt over her bathing suit . . . because she’s supposed to be FAT!  Apparently t-shirt = Really Huge Heifer in Pretty Little Liar’s world.

“Don’t look at me!  I’m hideous!”

Ever the philosopher, Flashback Aria wishes out loud that you could pick an age you want, and stay there forever.  Riiiiiiight!  Because 15-year olds ALWAYS worry constantly about growing old and aging.  You know what age I wanted to be when I was 15?   21 . . . so I could drink legally, without having to worry about my fake ID getting confiscated, and someone ratting me out to my Mom.

Fortunately, Ali has a FABULOUS solution to Aria’s wrinkle and cellulite worries.  Death! 

Hooray!

“Die young.  Leave a beautiful corpse,” Ali instructs Aria, as she relishes the thought of dying a mysterious death at an early age.  (Be careful what you wish for!)  “That’s immortality, my darlings,” Ali concludes, echoing Spencer’s earlier words.

Hey, Ali!  You know who ELSE is really into perpetual youth and immortality?  Evil Bloodsucking Vampires . . .

OK . . . OK.  I’m pretty sure this show ISN’T going in that direction.  But, COME ON!  Wouldn’t that be a fabulous idea for a spinoff?

The girls are shaken out of their respective reveries by a reminder that they will be meeting with Ali’s long lost older brother, Jason, the following morning, to run through the Service itinerary.  The crew take some time out of their busy Memorial preparations to diss on Ali’s Big Bro, wondering out loud how an Ivy League school could have possibly admitted a student like Jason, who listened to “LOUD MUSIC” and “DRESSED LIKE AN EMO!”

NO!  Not ELMO!  EMO!

That’s better!

And yet, when the girls reunite with Jason the following day, they find out, much to their surprise, that he isn’t EMO at all!  Instead, Jason is a Poor Man’s Ryan Phillippe, circa Cruel Intentions.

Same pouty lips.  Same “I just sucked on a lemon” face.  Still pretty hot though . . .

Jason is also kind of a D-bag.  Immediately upon arrival, he gives the girls an obnoxiously fake smile, and thanks them for all their hard work.  He then proceeds to subtly crap on everything they’ve done, and completely take over.  As if that isn’t bad enough, Jason adds a name to the list of Memorial Service Speakers.  Bet you can’t guess who?

 

WORSE!  Guess again  .  . .

Nope! 

Give up?  It’s  BLIND JENNA AND HER CANE OF DESTRUCTION!

 . . . which she’s mysteriously stopped using, since the pilot episode.  (NOW, how are we supposed to know when she’s coming?) 

The Return of Deputy Douchey

“I’m BAAACK!”

Apparently, Blind Jenna wasn’t the only one Jason contacted prior to returning to town.  He also got a hold of the one man on this show whose D-bag tendencies rival his own.  It’s Deputy Douchey!  Apparently, Jason is interested in re-opening the investigation into Alison’s murder, and is unhappy with the way the local PD has handled the matter, thus far.  So, of course, Deputy Douchey immediately starts nosing around Hanna again, who he CLEARY has some creepy crush on. 

Kudos to My New Favorite Character, Hanna, for calling Douchey out on his unethical (but strangely hot) shirtless behavior.  “Exactly what evidence were you planning to uncover wandering around my kitchen wearing nothing but a towel?”  She quips.

Funny, I think I once saw a porno that began with this exact same line . . .

All Aboard the Lanna Ship (a.k.a. Lucas and Hanna Together Forever)!

Awwww!  I SO heart them!

Speaking of Hanna, things just seem to keep going from bad to worse in her life.  When we first check in with her, she is complaining to her mother about the total embarrassment of having her credit card recently declined.  Hanna’s mother explains that the family has been experiencing financial difficulties.  “We’re a one paycheck family,”  she explains morosely.  “We can’t keep living a two paycheck life.”

By way of illustration, Hanna’s Mom opens the refrigerator, to show her just how bad things really are.  (Conveniently enough, if you want to see a “before” picture of Hanna’s Fridge, simply scroll up to Deputy Douchey’s picture, above!)

“Now, honey, I know, in the books, you are supposed to be ‘bullimic,’ but do you think you can switch to anorexic for a little while?  The ‘binge’ part of the ‘binge and purge’ cycle is just too pricey for us, right now.”

“Does this mean I have to go back to using the ‘Five Finger’ Discount, like I did in the Pilot Episode?”

But, guess what?  Despite the obvious stress she’s under, Hanna doesn’t go back to STEALING!

Why, you ask?  Because of THIS GUY!

While the Soon-To-Be Couple (Come on!  It is SO obvious!) are working together on formatting the School Yearbook, Lucas unwittingly suggests that Hanna sell some of her old (probably stolen, let’s be honest) designer things on eBay to make some extra cash.  Ever the helpful guy, Lucas is even willing to help her photograph the items and put them online.

Hanna makes a MINT!  And even though she happens to be with her Snoozy Current Boyfriend, Sean, when Lucas gives Hanna her earnings, the two clearly share a moment, during the monetary exchange.  (In yet another beach flashback, we see Ali making fun of Lucas and warning the Not-So-Hefty Hanna against hanging out with “losers.”  We can’t help but notice, that Hanna seemed partial to the Nerd Cutie, EVEN THEN!)

Ultimately, Hanna does the selfless thing, by using her eBay earnings, to buy groceries for her mother.  As if we couldn’t like this girl enough, already!

In Emily and Maya News . . .

Emily and Maya . . . . .  ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZz

Oops!  Sorry!  I must have dozed off for a second there!  Emily and Maya went out on a date.  They went to see what looked like a creepy old horror movie.  It was VERY romantic, so they started to make out during it.  Yeah . . . that’s about it. 

 Oh, and Emily’s Dad is coming home from the Armed Services, which is exciting, I guess . . . Except, I never knew he was gone in the first place . . .  I imagine they probably mentioned it before on the show.  Maybe I was sleeping . . .

Aria Has a New Guy?

OK.  PLL, now you’re starting to make me MAD!  First, you have Spencer COMPLETELY forget about Wren, and jump instantly into the arms of the Ball Boy . . .

“Hey, when you HAVE balls, you might as well USE them .  . .”

. . . NOW you’ve got this random Noel dude, with big Bushy Caterpillar eyebrows, honing in on Fitzy’s girl?  WTF?

“You better watch out, NOEL!  I’ve got white pasty stick legs!  And I’m not afraid to use them on your face!”

To Aria’s credit, she’s not NEARLY as ho-ish as Spencer, and at least hesitates a bit, before “moving on” to a new man. 

Tired of Aria’s newfound mopey ways, Hanna decides to set her up on a double date.  You see, Lame-O Sean got four concert tickets.   Two of them will go to him and Hanna, of course.  But Sean’s friend, Noel has dibs on the third one, and HE would really like to take Aria as his date.  Recalling that Aria used to crush on Furry-Browed Noel,  Hanna tries to convince her friend to go out with them.  Aria initially declines, but ultimately, decides to go.

The problem is that Aria is still SERIOUSLY depressed about her parent’s separation and Fitzy’s sudden departure.  So, during the date, she acts like someone just killed her best friend.  (Oh  . . . wait . . . someone DID!)  Noel pulls Aria aside to ask what’s wrong, and, to all of our surprises, she opens up to him about her “ex boyfriend in Iceland” (a.k.a. Fitzy White Legs).  Noel sees Aria’s misery, and figures it’s the PERFECT opportunity to ask her whether the two of them can starting making out.   (Smooth move, Douche!)

Aria declines . . . but isn’t nearly as turned off by the randomness of the request as she should be.  Damn those hot boys with Wild Overgrown Eyebrows!  They get away with EVERYTHING!

And then there was Spencer . . .

Sigh!

Spencer was the only Pretty Little Liar who didn’t get any loving this week.  Instead, she was pretty much abused, accused, and berated throughout the entire episode.  First, Jenna informs her that during the last few months of her life, Ali didn’t TRUST Spencer.  Ali apparently told Jenna this, while visiting her in the hospital. 

Spencer later learns from Brother Jason that Ali told him all about the Jenna Thing.  Except, instead of admitting HER part in setting off the fireworks that blinded Jenna, Ali told Jason that SPENCER was the mastermind behind it all!

Spencer is understandably hurt, and more than a little freaked out, by these revelations.  Why would Ali say these things about her?  Apparently, Spencer and Ali weren’t seeing eye-to-eye during those last few months before she disappeared.  If this information gets out, will SPENCER become a suspect in Ali’s murder? 

Possibly, but she won’t be the first.  It was also revealed this week that Creepy Toby called Ali on the night she disappeared, and SOMEONE (either Ali or someone with Ali’s phone in hand) TOOK THE CALL!

“What?  Did you think they would just STOP talking about me on the show, just because I disappeared?  Who do you think I am?  Wren?”

Before the Memorial Service, Spencer receives yet another cryptic message from A.  “The Memorial Service is tomorrow.  Do it right.  I’ll be watching, just like Tom Sawyer.”

OK, ENOUGH with the High School English Literary References, PLL.  First To Kill a Mockingbird, then Catcher in the Rye, NOW The Adventures of Tom Sawyer.  We get it, Tom Sawyer attended his own funeral.  Ho, ho, ho.  So clever! 

Do you really expect me to believe that a girl as stuck up and shallow, as Ali would make this kind of reference in a threatening text message?  The Girl Who Never Met a Nerd She Couldn’t Abuse?  Even if she READ the book (unlikely), I highly doubt she’d admit to doing it.  Be reasonable, PLL Writers!

Remembering Ali

Here’s a scenario for you.  You have this “friend” who is total b&tch during her lifetime, but ends up dying this totally tragic, untimely death.

You have to give her eulogy.  What do you say?  Do you lie, and make up nice stuff about her, even though you know it’s not true.  Are you brutally honest, a la Jen Lindley eulogizing the sort of evil, but hilariously funny, Abby Morgan on Dawson’s Creek?

I WISH I could find that eulogy on YouTube so that I could show it to you.  It remains, for me, one of the most uncomfortable moments on television, EVER!

Or do you do something in between.  It seems, in this case, that the girls go for option three.  Spencer discusses how much Ali would love all the attention of a Memorial Service in her honor.  She also talks about how nice it was that she was able to constantly fight with Ali.  (Not a smart admission, Spencer, seeing as you’re already a suspect in her murder.) 

 Hanna talks about how Ali “challenged” her (i.e. relentlessly berated her for being a chubby dork, and made her feel like crap on a regular basis).  Emily and Aria say stuff too, but it is so boring and meaningless, that I can’t remember any of it. 

At some point, during the ceremony, the Ex-Boyfriend of Spencer’s sister Melissa shows up.

“I come bearing flowers!”

NO!  I’m not talking about Wren . . .

Her OTHER Ex-Boyfriend, Ian!

Played by the adorable Ryan Merriman, who, unfortunately, was wearing a shirt at the time.

No one can really figure out why he was there.  But I’m sure we will find out in coming weeks . . .

Then Blind Jenna gets up to speak . . .

Surprisingly, she is kind of nice too!  She speaks about Ali’s strength, which, I guess, like the rest of the “positive traits” mentioned at the service, could be interpreted as “bitchiness,” but, no matter.  At least she doesn’t say anything crazy, like “I KNOW WHO KILLED ALI!”

After the ceremony, Jason approaches the girls with a gift . . .

It is THAT UGLY ASS BRACELET with Alison’s name on it!  Supposedly, Alison was wearing it at the time of her death.  BUT WAIT!  The girls already HAVE that bracelet!  They found it in the woods during the second episode . . .

Huh?

This is when THE BEST PART OF THE EPISODE happens.  As the credit begin to roll, we look upon Alison’s Memorial fountain, surrounded by tiles, and covered with candles.  A figure in black approaches it.  He or she sits silently, observing the memorial for a few moments.  He or she then takes out a hatchet, and BASHES THE CRAP OUT OF IT!  It is SO AWESOME!  That scene makes the whole episode worthwhile, in my opinion! 

So much for “remembering Ali forever!”  They really should have went with Aria’s Memorial choice . . .

That’s all I’ve got for this episode.  According to ABC Family there is only ONE EPISODE LEFT before the Season Finale.  That’s CRAZY TALK!  That would mean the whole season was just TEN EPISODES long, and I know for a fact that the channel ordered 22 episodes!

Whatever the situation is, there’s a PLL hiatus coming up soon, which means the next two episodes should be ACTION-PACKED!  See you then!

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Hot Times, Summer in TV Land – What shows will YOU be watching during the “off-season?”

 

Hey!  Where did everybody go?

Remember when “original television programming,” during the summer season, meant nothing more than a bunch of lame ass game shows . . .

 . . . and mind-numbing reality series?

Well . . . it still does.

Fortunately, however, thanks to an increasing number of “pay” cable channels opting to provide their fans with original series ALL YEAR ROUND, summer television sucks a heck of a lot less than it did, say, five-years ago.

This morning, I was browsing through the online edition of Entertainment Weekly, when I came across this very cool article, which briefly summarized what television shows will be gracing our small screens this summer.  Based on this article, and some additional research on my part, I managed to compile a surprisingly full “Summer TV Watching Roster” for myself.  Here’s a list of the shows that made my “watch list.”

THE VETERANS, a.k.a shows that I’ve watched in the past, and think are AWESOME — Therefore, I will watch them again . . .

True Blood

Premieres Sunday, June 13th at 9pm on HBO.

This one sort of goes without saying, doesn’t it?  Particularly, since I have already been yammering on about the show on this blog, FOR WEEKS!  I mean, honestly, what could be better than a super raunchy, hilarious, and at-times very scary show, featuring all of the things I love best?  For the past two seasons it has been on the air, every SINGLE hour of True Blood has been jam packed with:

Shirtless Men;

Vampires;

Sex (sometimes, even ORGIES!);

Blood;

Love triangles;

and people who talk with funny accents!  And if that hasn’t sold you yet, this BRAND NEW extended trailer definitely WILL . . .

Entourage

Premieres Sunday, June 27th at 10:30 p.m. on HBO.

It’s hard to believe that this show is already heading into its SEVENTH SEASON!  It seems like only yesterday that “new hot young movie star” Vinnie Chase and his boys — uptight Eric, loveable loser Turtle, and dimwited has-been Johnny Drama — were making waves in the L.A. party scene, by bedding all the underage ladies, and pissing off all the celebrity guest stars. 

 Then again, maybe it WAS yesterday.  After all, one of the best things about Entourage is how comfortingly predictable it is.  Sure, Vinnie Chase is slightly less new and certainly less young than he was in early seasons.  And, yes,  his “hotness” as a character always tended to wax and wane, depending on what fake movie he was starring in, during a particular season (and how big his hair was at the time).  But other than that, most of the show’s episodes followed a pretty basic formula, and that formula WORKED! 

Basically, I think a lot of Entourage‘s long running success has to do with how well it caters to the basic male fantasy.  Seriously, what GUY wouldn’t want to do virtually nothing all day, but party with his friends and various celebrities (The latter usually drop in for cameos, playing exaggeratedly douchey versions of themselves).  And, yet, still be rich, successful, and highly oversexed?  Here is an example of a typical scene you might see during a run-of-the-mill episode of Entourage . . .

In conclusion, if you are a “dude,” or a girl who likes watching “dudes” do their thing on television, Entourage is the summer show for you!

Mad Men

Premieres Sunday, July 25th at 10 p.m. on AMC

A few months back, I wrote a blog entry that sort of functioned as unofficial tribute to all things Mad MenIt has been almost a year since this one-hour drama, set during the early 1960s, about the employees of a successful New York City advertising agency, graced my television set.  And yet, I STILL consider the show to be one of the best written and most intelligent programs on television today.  (ESPECIALLY since Lost and The Sopranos are no longer on TV . . .).

The show’s third season finale was just JAM PACKED with OMFG moments.  Most notably, both Sterling AND Cooper QUIT Sterling & Cooper (along with the show’s main protagonist, Don Draper, and MOST of the other series regulars on the show) to start their OWN AD AGENCY!

Huh?

Wait a second . . . didn’t Sterling and Cooper ALREADY HAVE their own ad agency?  You know . . . the one that was NAMED after them!  Well . . . yes . . .  technically . . . But then this British ad agency came and bought them out.  Except, THAT agency ended up just wanting to . . . Well . . . maybe you should just Netflix Season 3, and see for yourself . . .

Oh, and did I mention that TV Super Couple, Don and Betty, are getting a divorce?

Or that I AM IN LOVE with Pete Campbell / Vincent Kartheiser?

Sorry . . . completely irrelevant, I know.  Sometimes, I just can’t help myself.

Having crafted a brilliant and unexpected Season 3 finale, it looks as though the Mad Men writers have laid the groundwork for what will undoubtedly be an exciting new season . . .

My Boys

Premieres, Sunday, July 25th at 10 pm on TBS (It looks like I’ll be taping this one . . .)

Television watching can’t be ALL DRAMA, ALL THE TIME, can it?  Especially during those hot summer months, I always like to throw a little light comedy into my TV watching schedule.  For the past three years, this little sitcom, about a twenty-something sports journalist from Chicago, and her rag tag gaggle of guy friends, has fit the bill just fine.  At the end of last season, P.J. tried to cope with her ex-boyfriend, Bobby’s upcoming marriage, by hooking up with Bobby’s older brother on the night of Bobby’s wedding. 

Sounds like a great idea, right?  And, perhaps, it would be, if Bobby didn’t walk in on the couple in flagrante, just as he was on the verge of telling P.J. that he still had feelings for HER!

My Boys may not be the most original sitcom out there, nor is it the funniest.  And yet, I’ve always found it enjoyable to watch.  Plus, TWO of P.J.’s “boys” are particularly easy on the eyes (Take a look at the cast pic above, and you will see exactly who I mean), which certainly doesn’t hurt . . .

THE ROOKIES, a.k.a. new shows I am willing to give the privilege of having a temporary slot on my TV-watching “dance card,” until they inevitably disappoint me with their suckiness . . .

The Gates

Premieres Sunday, June 20th at 10pm on ABC.

 

Interestingly enough, this show, about a snooty suburban community that just so happens to house residents with supernatural powers, was the only one on basic (non-pay) cable to make my Summer TV Watching list.  What can I say?   I’ve always been a “sucker” (pun intended) for a good vampire tale . . .

Haven

Premieres Friday, July 9th at 10pm on the SyFy

This “mystery-of-the week” type drama, created and produced by the same people who brought you The Dead Zone, has been described as “Twin Peaks meets the X-Files” ( says Entertainment Weekly), with a little bit of Fringe thrown in for good measure.  The show follows two FBI agents, as they investigate strange supernatural happenings (Are you noticing a pattern here?) occurring in a small town in Maine.  The program is purportedly based on a novella by Stephen King, entitled The Colorado Kid (as opposed to “The Maine Kid”?).

Stephen King tales tend to be genuinely spooky, with excellent plotting and great characterization to boot.  I’m hoping this series offers some of that as well.  Though I’m not generally a fan of horror, for whatever reason, I always find myself drawn to “scary” shows, during the summer months.   It looks like this summer will be no exception.  Plus, I like the fact that, unlike the other shows on my list, this show isn’t serialized.  So, if I have to miss an episode or two, I won’t be completely lost.

Melissa and Joey

Premieres Tuesday August 17th at 8pm on ABC Family

OK, I’m going to be completely honest here.  I’m pretty sure this show is gong to be AWFUL!  And yet, the little kid in me simply can’t resist the chance to see two of her favorite 90’s “teen idols” all-grown up, and starring in a show TOGETHER! 

Apparently, these two (Melissa Joan Hart and Joey Lawrence) starred in one of those lame made-for-tv movies, a little while back, and were such “a hit” together, that they decided to try for something a bit more permanent.  The sitcom is about a local politician (Hart) and a bankrupt Wall Street type (Lawrence), who end up living together.   Let the hilarity ensure!

Unfortunately, I couldn’t find a promo for this show anywhere on the internet.  So, in honor of Hart and Lawrence, I’ve decided to show you THESE instead . . .

A nice hefty helping of CHEESE with your blog!  You’re welcome!

So, there you have it, my Summer TV Watch list .  . . what’s on YOURS?

 

 

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Filed under 90s television, Entourage, Mad Men, My Boys, Summer Television Shows, True Blood