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Don’t Be a Dummy (or an Ass)! – A Recap of Grey’s Anatomy’s “That’s Me Trying”

JACKSON:  So, I hear this is the episode where we all just play with dolls for an hour  . . .

APRIL:  I love dolls!  I used to have a Barbie Dream House when I was a kid.  I would make Barbie throw these awesome slumber parties, for all my other dolls.  It was hard though.  Because I had a lot of dolls, and the Dream House only had one bed . . .

ALEX:  I am so turned on by you, right now . . .

In the five or so years since it has been on the air (MAN, I’M OLD!), Grey’s Anatomy has tackled some pretty heavy and hard-hitting issues: terminal illness, mental health issues, divorce, emotional abuse, loneliness, death, mass murder, hot naked men  . . .

Never . . . gets . . . old.

This week’s episode, however, was about dummies . . . and asses.

So, grab your favorite blow-up doll . . .

 . . . and BACK THAT ASS UP. . .

 . . . because it’s time to do some RECAPPING!

Nothing Like a Good Old-Fashioned Autopsy to Work Up an Appetite . . .

“I have nothing against Dead People!  Some of my best friends are corpses.”

Poor Bailey!  She still can’t figure out what mean-spirited and manipulative plot twist rare medical abnormality resulted in the untimely death of Special Guest Star Mandy Moore Mary Portman.  And so, off she heads to the Autopsy Room, in search of answers . . .

(By the way, does anyone who watched the episode know if Mandy Moore was actually in it, Weekend at Bernie’s style?  Or was that just a Madame Tussaud – type “dummy” of her on the autopsy table?  Either way, it was SUPER CREEPY . . .)

Now, I know that the Pathologist performing “Mary’s” autopsy was just “doing her job.”  And I know that she is probably used to working with patients who don’t . . . um . . . “talk back.”  So, Bailey’s non-stop barrage of questions and generalized buttinsky-ness was probably pretty gosh darn annoying for her.  I am also sure she is the “best in her field.”  (After all, isn’t every specialist who works at Seattle Grace?)

OMG!  Anna Draper from Mad Men came back from the dead, as an ill-tempered pathologist!

However . . . I don’t care HOW MANY YEARS of my life I had spent cutting dead bodies open . . . NEVER would I consider it OK to chew gum, and make dinner reservations, while doing it.  Aside from majorly disrespecting the dead . . . that’s just GROSS!

So, when the Undead Anna Draper told Bailey that the results of Mary’s autopsy would be inconclusive for at least another two weeks (Apparently, Mary’s brain had to “soak more” or something), I can understand why Bailey wanted a “second opinion.”  And, truthfully, I hope that Bailey finds the answers she is seeking, if only so that she can get some much-needed closure on the dark chapter of her life entitled, The Shooting.

Speaking of beating a dead storyline corpse . . .

Yang Quits Seattle Grace

“Give me back my Kickass Character, or I’m going to jump!”

OK . . . so I’ve been noticing quite a bit of heated debate on the internet amongst Grey’s fans, regarding this whole Cristina / PTSD storyline.  There are many of you out there (like me), who find the storyline to be growing tiresome, and increasingly difficult to watch.  While there are others of you who praise the authenticity with which the show’s writers have dealt with the very REAL issue of post-traumatic stress.

To some extent, I can see those fans’ point.  After all, it would be perfectly understandable for a real-life doctor, who endured what Cristina had to endure during The Shooting, to experience some long-term effects of that trauma.   And I also agree, that dramas like this too often sweep events like The Shooting under the carpet, failing to address their lasting impact, at all. 

And yet, when it comes right down to it, I watch Grey’s Anatomy to be entertained, not to be lectured about the devastating effects PTSD can have on the human psyche, and the importance of seeking long-term psychological treatment for those effects. 

Sometimes as a producer / writer for a popular television drama, you have to sacrifice a bit of realism for entertainment value.  And, in the case of this storyline, I feel like that is a lesson that Grey’s Anatomy still needs to learn . . .

All right . . . I’m off my soap box now.  Back to the recap .  . .

This was supposed to be an “Easy Day” for Cristina Yang.  She was supposed to spend the day with her new husband, playing with dummies, along with the rest of the residents.

But Evil Teddy had to go and ruin that, by telling Cristina that she (gasp) actually had to help a REAL LIVE patient, instead . . .

Oh, the horror!

As it turns out, that Sweet Smiley Old Man on who’s behalf Cristina negotiated, so that he could get a spot on the lung transplant list a few weeks back, was set to go into surgery that day (once Teddy picked up his New Lungs, of course).  And so, Teddy requested that Cristina monitor the patient, while she retrieved the vital organ.  Giving Teddy that Deer-in-Headlights look we’ve come to come to expect from this “New Yang,” Cristina reluctantly agreed to perform the task.

 

We are treated to a tiny glimpse of the Old Cristina, when she exchanges some dry banter with her adorable patient, who — despite some evidence to the contrary — we can tell she likes and really cares about.  “Any joke that begins with an animal walking into a bar is, by definition, not funny,” insists Cristina wryly, when the patient in question tries, in vain, to make her laugh.

I don’t know . . . it looks pretty darn hilarious to me!

Despite refusing to laugh at his jokes, Cristina is remarkably kind and supportive to her patient, when he admits his fear of getting “New Lungs.”  “Don’t think of it as ‘getting New Lungs,'” offers Cristina.  “Think of it as getting rid of Old Crappy Ones.”

During this exchange the patient’s estranged daughter, Tara from Buffy the Vampire Slayer, enters the room . . .

“I don’t really get this whole  ‘Hospital  Thing.’  Whenever people got sick on my show, we just performed spells to make them better . . .  It was SO much easier.”

 When Tara apologizes for her not-so-subtle barb about her father not being in her life for twenty years, Adorable Patient surprises her, by complimenting her snarkiness.  “You get that from me,” he says proudly.

It’s actually, a very sweet moment . . . or, at least it would be, if Adorable Patient didn’t go into cardiac arrest, during it.

That’s right!  I said cardiac arrest.  Now, in addition to needing a new set of lungs, Adorable Patient might require a new heart, as well!

As a bevy of nurses rushes to her father’s aid, and DOCTOR Cristina stands stock still, suddenly becoming fascinated by shiny objects, Tara begins to wonder whether witchcraft might be a preferable solution to letting her absentee father rot in this Crackpot Hospital . . .

Worried about his wife’s mental health (aren’t we all!), Owen grants Meredith trauma surgery certification immediately, despite her not having completed the skills course (How unfair is THAT?).  This way, she can help her “Best Friend” through her “diffcult time.”  But Cristina doesn’t want Meredith’s help.  Instead, she brusquely sends Meredith to provide Tara with updates on her father’s status, while she attends to stabilze Adorable Patient’s heart, solo.

“So Tara, you and Buffy the Vampire Slayer are like ‘friends,’ right?  Do you think you could get me her autograph?”

Although pushing off the “interpersonal stuff” on a friend, so that she can do the “medical stuff” sounds precisely like something Old Cristina would do.  We can immediately tell that something is off about our old Robo Doc.  Cristina’s tenacity and aggressiveness are gone.  Her heart is just not in it.  Oh . . . and she’s being a TOTAL BIATCH to Poor Meredith . . .

Later Cristina admits to Meredith that she doesn’t want to speak to Adorable Patient’s daughter, because she is afraid.  Everything about Seattle Grace that Cristina used to love, now petrifies her.  And abject fear does not exactly inspire confidence in Witches from Sunnydale a patient’s family members.

Later, while Meredith and Cristina are on the roof of the hospital, waiting for Teddy’s triumphant return, Meredith confronts her “bestie” about her excessive b*tchiness, of late.  And yet, by the time Cristina finishes her tirade, Meredith undoubtedly wishes she hadn’t brought it up and so do we.

“How are you fine?  How are you just completely fine?”  Christina yells.  “I am ruined, OK?  I am dead.  I am wrecked. . . . Why are you okay?  You were there too.  You were there  . . . with your sad eyes, screaming at me to save his life. Telling the guy to shoot you, and not giving a crap about yourself or your pregnancy.  I didn’t have a choice.  And you did that.  If it was anyone else on the table . . .  if it was anyone else standing there . . . I would have walked away . . . I could have walked away, and, then, I wouldn’t be here!”

“Does this mean you won’t be having Sleepover Parties, with Derek and Me, anymore?”

Ultimately, Cristina is able to stabilize Adorable Patient’s heart, long enough for Teddy to return with his organs, and perform the planned surgery.  But when Chief Webber approaches Cristina, to compliment her on a job well done, Cristina asks to speak with him privately.  As she later admits to Owen, she quit Seattle Grace, right then and there.

“You were right.  I can do it.   I can still be a surgeon,” explains Cristina.  “I just don’t want to.”

It’s possible that we might never get back, Old Cristina.  But one thing is for certain: this New One has GOT TO GO!  Take care of yourself, Cristina!  Here’s hoping that you get the help you need, and come back REALLY SOON. with a brand new storyline that doesn’t involve your ever having to give us the Deer-in-Headlights Look ever again!

  (Oh, and kudos to Sandra Oh, for some outstanding performances, these past couple of weeks.  Just because I didn’t like the things you “did” and “said,” doesn’t mean I don’t appreciate the skill with which you did and said them.)

This Butt’s for YOU!

While Cristina was busy “butting out” of Seattle Grace, Mark and Sloan were “butting in” to the life of a late twenty-something patient, who desperately wanted to get some more ass . . . literally.

I don’t know which part of this scene was funnier: the patient’s repeated insistence on increasing the size of her computer-generated butt double (despite the fact that a woman with that small of a frame would probably topple over, if she had that ass); or Lexie’s increasingly horrified reaction shots . . .

“My goodness!  Get an ass like that, and you might have to actually wear Size 6 jeans!  THE HORROR!”

But you know Lexie, every patient’s case has to be ALL ABOUT HER!  So, instead of rationally expressing concern about the fact that the patient’s “new ass” was be highly disproportionate to the rest of her body, and would likely throw her back out of alignment, Lexie ASSUMED that the patient was having the surgery to impress “Some Guy.”

And you know what they say about people who ASSUME things, right?  They make an ASS out of . . . well . . . everyone.  (You thought I was going to say, “You and Me,” didn’t you?  See what I mean about “assuming” things?)

As it turns out, Butt Girl, isn’t Lexie.  Because Lexie, at least according to Butt Girl, has a FABULOUS ASS!  (Also, Butt Girl doesn’t rashly decide to move in with her 20-years older than her boyfriend, before she’s really ready, and agree to raise his 18-year old bastard child.)

Ahem!

All Butt Girl wants is to be able to look good in a pair of jeans.  Is that too much to ask?  Apparently . . . at least, as far as Lexie is concerned.

Later, at Joe’s Bar, Lexie finds a Lonely Mark lecherously assessing the veracity of Butt Girl’s claim regarding the SHEER AWESOMENESS that is Little Grey’s ass.  And, although Lexie feigns moral indignation at being treated by her former lover colleague like a Pair of Firm Grapefruit, the little Wiggle Move she does, when she walks away from him, says otherwise . . .

“My Humps.  My Humps.  My Lovely Lady Lumps!”

“Alzheimers is a Bad Disease.  We Should Cure It.”

While Sloan is busy checking out Lexie’s ass, Derek seems to have lodged his head up his.  I always thought that doctors worked these CRAZY hours.  Yet, this week, we see virtually the ENTIRE Seattle Grace staff playing with dolls, for a whole day.  Meanwhile, Derek spends about 12 hours in the board room “researching Alzheimers” for his upcoming grant proposal, only to come up with this . . .

Come on Dr. McDreamy!  I know eight-year olds that can write better Book Reports than that!

Fortunately, Bailey, who’s been dealing with her own problems this week (See Anna Draper story, above), is wise enough to see the REAL reason behind Derek’s writer’s block.  She is also kind enough to take time out of her own busy sulking schedule to help him see it too.  “I am not the one who can’t stop  thinking about his wife getting Alzheimers long enough to write a damn essay!”

As if things weren’t sucky enough for him already, Poor Derek then has to go home and break the news to his wife — who has just been unceremoniously dumped by her best friend — that he’s going to have to dump her from his surgical trials too, in order to maintain some modicum of objectivity in his research . . .

MEREDITH:  Well, THIS is depressing . . .

DEREK:  I know . . .

MEREDITH:  Let’s f*ck.

DEREK:  OK.

In other Want-to-Slit-Your-Wrist Couple’s News . . .

 Arizona Goes to Africa . . . ALONE.

Surprisingly, Callie and Arizona’s breakup had absolutely nothing to do with Arizona’s insistence on wearing this hideous hat . . .

When the episode begins, Callie and Arizona are still doing the same thing they were doing when last week’s episode ended.  Namely, they are packing.  Or, perhaps, more accurately, they are giving away their useless crap, so that they won’t have to pack it. 

(I mean think about it. You’re traveling halfway across the world, to a place where you plan to spend THREE YEARS.  Do you have any idea how EXPENSIVE checking all that luggage would be?)

And don’t even get me started on those SUPER embarrassing Full Body Scans . . .  No wonder Callie would rather stay home!

So, Arizona tries to pass off some of Callie’s cooking utensils on Mark  . . .

Oh come on!  As if Mark ever eats ANYTHING besides TV dinners and underaged hookers, anyway . . .

Then, Callie starts TOTALLY bitching Arizona out for giving her crap away, without asking first.  So, yeah, it becomes pretty obvious, pretty quickly, that Callie has NO desire to go to Malawi and help the “Tiny Humans” . . .

To add insult to injury, Chief Webber starts really laying the guilt trips on thick, as he gripes to Callie about how incredibly HARD it will be to replace not one, but TWO awesome attendings, like Callie and Arizona.

Hmmmm . . . maybe if your doctors spent less time groping dummies, and more time helping patients, you wouldn’t be so short staffed all the time. . .

Sensing weakness in Callie, the relentless Chief Webber pushes the knife in a little deeper, by telling her that, had she decided to stay at Seattle Grace, he had “big plans for [her.]  Really BIG!”

“I’d show you those plans right now.  But they are currently in my pants.  Unless, of course, you would like to go get them . . .”

Throughout the episode, Callie snarks on and on, about how utterly LAME Malawi will be.  So, really, is it any wonder that NO ONE wanted to come to her’s and Arizona’s going away party?

Seriously?  I’ve seen funerals that were more lively . . .

Later, when Callie meets up with Mark for another extended “I Don’t WANNA GO!” Complaining Session, Mark takes this opportunity to compare Callie’s trip to Africa to a boob job.

You stay classy, Mark Sloan (you Dirty Old Man, you)!

“You’re sounding an awful lot like a girl who’s getting a boob job, just because her boyfriend likes girls with Really Big Racks . . . and by Big Racks, I mean Africa,” explains Captain Obvious Sloan.

“But I love her,” argues Callie.

“I know.  But you are going to have to learn to love Africa too,” Sloan remarks wisely, before pulling his bestie in for a sweet embrace.

I heart these two .  . .

Talk about waiting until the last minute!  It’s not until Arizona and Callie are already at the airport, waiting to board the plane, that Arizona drops the bomb on Callie that she will be going to Africa, without her.

“Geez, Arizona!  Do the words Frequent Flyer Miles mean ANYTHING to you?  Do you have any idea how many pairs of shoes I’ve charged to my American Express Card, so that I could get this flight?”

Arizona explains that going to Africa, and providing medical care to third world children, has always been her dream.  And Callie’s sulking and carrying on, is ruining that dream.  Callie begs and pleads with Arizona to reconsider, but to no avail.  So, finally, she issues an ultimatum . . .

“If you get on that plane and go without me we are done. Do you hear me? We are over,” Callie insists.

“Really?  Were you planning to ground me, and forbid me from going to prom too?”

Rather than run crying into her arms muttering apologies, Arizona just nods sadly after all she’s just going on maternity leave, not leaving the show.  No need to get so dramatic!  “We are standing in the middle of an airport screaming at each other. We are already over,” replies Arizona, as she turns and heads toward her gate.


 “Oh please!  Screaming in the airport means we ARE a couple!  That’s what couples do!  They FIGHT . . . and have hot makeup sex . . . possibly, while becoming members of the Mile High Club!”

Don’t worry, Callie!  She’ll be back . . .

And finally, last but not least . . .

April Kepner – Dummy Doctor Extraordinaire!

“I pity the FOOL who messes with MY dummies!”

When, at the beginning of their trauma certification class, Owen informed the residents that there had been a bus accident outside, with massive casualties, they ran to the scene of the incident, like BATS OUT OF HELL!

So, you could imagine how disappointed / pissed off they were, when these “fine doctors” found out that their “trauma victims” were actually the cast of those lame (and incredibly creepy) Old Navy commercials . . .

Man, I HATE those commercials . . .

Apparently, Owen spent his “million dollar” trauma training grant on: (1) a bunch of impeccably dressed dummies; and (2) flashcards listing various fake injuries that the dummies are purportedly suffering from.  (Coincidentally, you can buy all of these things at Old Navy, for the banner price of $19.99!) 

Here’s how trauma training works.  The residents break up into groups of four.  Together, those groups tend to the injuries of the fake dummies.  If they can keep the dummies “alive,” long enough to get them onto a “rescue helicopter,” they can earn their certification. 

Now, there are PLENTY of teams.  But the only one that the episode writer really seems interested in is “Blue Team,” starring April Kepner Dr. Hotness Avery, and Alex Karev.

Though Blue Team is the only one that seems to really care about the exercise (continuing to tend to their patients, long after all the other teams have “failed,”  and hours into a very rainy night) Dr. Power Tripper Hunt inexplicably seems determined to PUNISH them for their dedication.  He does this by making up more and more fake injuries for Blue Team’s dummies, and refusing to let the FAKE helicopter come and take the “victims” away.

“Here we are, seven episodes into this season, and ALL of my lines so far have been some form of ‘Cristina, are you OK?’  Well, now, I’ve got my OWN storyline, and I’m going to make the best of it, dammit.  Even if it means babbling on about things that make NO SENSE WHATSOEVER!”

Dr. Hotness (who is quickly taking over the “Cocky-Bad-Boy-Who-Deep-Down-is-Just-Insecure” role, formerly held by Alex Karev) eventually gets fed up, and quits the “game.”  This was fine by me, because it gave Owen an excuse to yell at him, which gave ME an excuse to gaze into those dreamy eyes of his . . .

Observe . . . the Sexy Brood and Smoulder of Dr. Hotness, in his natural habitat.

Eventually, Owen has Avery return to complete the certification course.  However, before that happens, April  — upon deciding that TWO can play at the “making sh*t up” game — has come up with an “ingenious” (and by, “ingenious,” I mean “adorable, but incredibly dorky”) way to “save” her victims and “win” the game.  While rambling on like an INSANE person, April dashes off to a nearby ambulence.  Then, despite being told by Owen that it is “not in play,” April stuffs her’s and Alex’s dummies in the back of it.

By the way, the cheesy Action Movie Music that was playing in the background, while April was doing this, made the WHOLE scene TEN TIMES FUNNIER!  If anyone knows what song that was, PLEASE tell me!  Because, once I find it, that puppy is becoming part of the “Running Mix” on my iPod, STAT!

While Alex looks on with amusement, Owen tries in vain to reason with Crazy April, telling her that the ambulence . . . um . . .  broke down . . . or something.  But April will not listen to reason.  “Now MOVE!  Or I will RUN . . . YOU . . . DOWN!”  She growls, before putting her key in the ignition, and driving the ambulence around to the Emergency Room entrance.

April then starts picking up the dummies, and carrying them, BY HAND, into the hospital . . .

“Hey there, Old Navy Mannequin!  You are much shorter, in person . . .  By the way, are you single?”

She probably would have performed surgery on the damn things too, if Owen didn’t FINALLY put the kibosh on the whole exercise.  “OK.  Fine!  Blue Team Wins,” Owen mutters.

“Blue Team, wins?  BLUE TEAM WINS!”  April yelps, throwing her poor defenseless Old Navy Mannequin on the ground in triumph, with all the verve of a Football Player, who just scored the winning touchdown in the Superbowl.

This Crazy Chica even had her own ENDZONE DANCE, for crying out loud!  Once she’s finished self-congratulating, April rushes to Alex, and pulls him in for a tight embrace.  Alex honestly, looks a bit taken aback by the sudden show of affection.  However, he is obviously pleased to be a part of this insanity.

“I’ve never been hugged by a Real Virgin before . . . weird.”

That night, at Joe’s, Alex teases April, by doing a spot-on impersonation of her “I WILL MOW YOU DOWN,” speech.

“I will make you walk the plank, Matey!  Arrrrgh!”

But then, the Former Bad Boy sweetly compliments April on how “awesome” and “hilarious” she was, during the course.  He’s ABSOLUTELY signing up for April’s team, the next time Seattle Grace has a skills lab!  After he tells her all this, April gives Alex this look, and it’s a look us girls know all too well . . .

Yup . . . that’s the one . . .

Oh, April, honey . . . You are in SOOOOOO much trouble!

[www.juliekushner.com]

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Filed under Grey's Anatomy

Let’s Play Doctor! – A Recap of Grey’s Anatomy’s “Almost Grown”

Remember when you were a kid, and you used to play doctor . . .  or teacher, or lawyer, or whatever “grown-up” job you happened to be coveting at the time? (For me, it was “firefighter,” but only because I really wanted my own Cute Red Firetruck . . . and, of course, those adorable Dalmations that always seemed to come with it. )

So, you’d put on your tiny lab coat, or hard hat, or your Mom’s suit jacket.  Then, you’d get up in front of your friends or parents, and bluster on with confidence, speaking precisely the way you thought a “grown-up” with that job would sound. 

 

But, eventually, you’d get bored playing dress-up, and go back to watching cartoons . . .

Well, that’s kind of what it felt like our Seattle Grace residents and attendings were doing this week: playing dress-up.  They were pretending to be more mature and responsible than they actually were.  They did this, knowing full well that, if they screwed up, couldn’t perform, or just plain got bored, the “real” grown-ups would be right behind them, waiting to pick up the pieces . . .

The only difference was that Seattle Grace isn’t some kid’s playroom, it’s a HOSPITAL.  And when the “kids” screw up, patients can . . . you know . . . die and stuff.

OOPS!

So, while I applauded the concept of “Residents Play Attendings Day,” and “Attendings Play Chief Day” as a teaching tool, it wouldn’t exactly inspire confidence in me, as a prospective hospital patient.  In other words . . . Seattle Grace?  You be sure to call me, the next time your hospital is “playing dress-up,” and I will try very hard not to become critically ill, on that day . . .

“Doctor McDoody, reporting for DUTY!”

My own personal reservations aside, SOME of our doctors fared quite well in their role-playing, while others seemed desperately in need of training wheels.   Grey’s fans?  Get out your trusty red pens, because it’s time to grade our “students” . . .

THE RESIDENTS

Alex Karev – B+

Good Ole’ Alex.  Here’s a guy who has AWFUL social skills, some serious issues, when it comes to dealing with authority figures, and is almost aggressively immature.  Yet, despite all of these things (or, perhaps, because, of them) he is positively AWESOME at dealing with kids . . .

Anyone else remember this scene?  Because I do . . . A LOT . . . especially at night . . . when I’m DREAMING . . .

Yet, despite Karev’s obvious talent for Pediatrics, his chosen specialty, at least, for now, is “Plastics.”   And why not?  “Plastics” is exactly the type of specialty people would associate with someone like Alex — someone who, on the surface, is shallow, superficial, and “just in it for the money;”  someone who wants to fondle boobies for a living; someone who looks like this . . .

(No offense to all you Plastic Surgeons out there, by the way.  I’m sure you are all really nice people.  Nice people . . . who are certainly smarter and more successful than I am, and, I suspect, better looking too . . .)

So, when Alex’s first case as “Faux Attending” is a Pediatric Breast Reduction, he’s understandably OVER THE MOON about it!  (It’s like a two-for-one special on Alex’s Specialties!)  As Alex is walking down that hospital corridor, envisioning his patient, he’s probably picturing some hot leggy 18-year old model-type, with boobs the size of watermelons . . . someone like Barbie . . . or Jessica Rabbit.

Instead, he gets This Guy . . .

Alex’s patient is 13-years old.  He suffers from a rare glandular problem, which produces an excess amount of estrogen in his system.  (His father suffers from the same condition, making it, presumably, genetic.)  The condition results in the teen having “man boobs,” which have nothing to do with his being out-of-shape, or overweight.  In fact, the patient is quite thin.

What’s unique about this case (aside from the obvious, of course), is that Alex’s patient is NOT the one who needs “managing.”  The teen is GUNG HO about the surgery!  He’s tired of being called Boobie, and having bras taped to his locker.  (Man, middle schoolers can be AWFUL, can’t they?)  He is about to start high school.  And he wants to do it, without having two large bulls eyes taped to his chest . . . literally.

But his parents are concerned.  They think he’s too young to have such major reconstructive surgery.  Furthermore, they don’t see the boobs as being any sort of hinderance to their son’s masculinity or teenage lifestyle.  (In other words, the boy’s parents . . . are TOTAL BOOBS, themselves.)

 And when the boy’s mother learns that Alex, and not Dr. Sloan, will be performing the surgery, she decides immediately to take her child home.  So, Alex, knowing the MAJOR ass kicking this poor kid is about to take, the minute he takes off his shirt for Freshman gym, immediately rushes to Mommy and Daddy (a.k.a. Arizona and Sloan) for help.

(And it was this initial decisiveness, and this alone, that kept Alex from getting an A in my book.)

However, just as the boy’s parents are signing his discharge papers, Alex performs a Hail Mary!

In his own, special, very blunt way, Alex tells the kid’s mother, in no uncertain terms, why her son should be entitled to make his own choice, regarding getting the surgery.  Alex also explains what will likely happen to the kid, if he is not allowed to do so. 

Ultimately, as a result of Alex’s Tough Love, the boy’s parents relent.  And Alex performs the breast reduction surgery, flawlessly.

Well played, Dr. Evil Spawn! 🙂

Meredith Grey – A –

 

Initially, Meredith and Jackson shared a patient, during their “Attending for a Day” game.  She was an older patient, who required SERIOUS brain surgery.  She also had a very ornery partner, who, as it turns out, was rightfully skeptical of Meredith’s and Jackson’s surgical capabilities.  Said girlfriend was also a former teacher . . . and probably the MEANEST teacher her students ever had!

“Don’t sass me, Young Lady, or I will have you expelled so fast, your head will spin!”

Since both “Faux Attendings” couldn’t both carve up the lady’s noggin, Derek decided to engage the pair  in a little “friendly competition,” to determine which candidate was more worthy of wielding a scalpel.

Weirdly enough, the competition involved “egg carving,” which, I guess, is a cross between pumpkin carving . . .

 . . . and that ridiculous “Egg Baby” assignment that they make teens complete in High School Health Class . . .

EGG BROKEN  = FAIL?  I guess nothing preaches abstinence like punishing teens for an “accidental hatching.”

Meredith, hustled by Jackson’s hotness “Scrambled Eggs” routine . . .

. . .  becomes overconfident.  She, therefore, does a piss poor job on her egg carving . . .

“Don’t look at me, I’m HIDEOUS!”

As a result, Meredith loses the opportunity to conduct the solo brain surgery. 

Given that information alone, you may be wondering why she received such a high grade from me.  Well, you see, while the first brain surgery was going on, Lexie called on Meredith to perform another emergency surgery, one which she ultimately completed ALL BY HERSELF, and completely WITHOUT DEREK’S help or supervision. 

Of course, at the time, Lexie didn’t know her patient neeeded brain surgery.   So, it was up to Meredith to diagnose the patient first, which she did, in a matter of seconds, thus saving the patient’s life.  The surgery went swimmingly, which is why Meredith is our top scoring resident, today!  You GO GIRL!

Now, Jackson on the other hand . . .

Jackson Avery – C –

What an EGG HEAD!

The only reason Jackson didn’t get an F today, was because he’s a TOTAL Edward Scissorhands, when it comes to carving eggs.

He also looks like this . . .

That being said, Jackson really sucked the big one, this week!  First he completely botched the brain surgery, forcing Derek to step in and save the day at the last minute.  Then, until Derek stopped him, he was going to TELL THE PATIENT about it, which would have, not only freaked her out, but would have probably resulted in a major lawsuit against Seattle Grace.  And we all KNOW what happened the last time they had a law suit on their hands . . .

April Kepner – C+

We can’t really blame April for doing pretty much exactly what was expected of her . . . no more . . . no less.  But we can blame her for an obvious lack of confidence, and a seeming inability to think for herself.  She was also rather annoying, this week.  And, surely, we can blame her for that.

In April’s defense, she didn’t really get much in the way of guidance on her case.  (Although, wasn’t that kind of the point of this whole excercise?)  After all, for a good three-quarters of the episode, April’s “partner,” Cristina, seemed so quiet and disaffected, the patient in question, thought she was autistic . . .

PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE, END THIS SUPER-FRUSTRATING PTSD STORYLINE NOW!!!!

April’s and Cristina’s patient is a sweet and refreshingly optimistic older man, who is facing down certain death, if he doesn’t get a lung transplant, ASAP.

The question at hand is whether the patient is healthy enough to even be deemed a viable transplant candidate.  He has a host of medical problems, including possible renal failure and a fungal infection.  He also lacks a strong family support system.

April is confused as to what to do about this patient.  And so she makes her “scared, confused, and slightly annoyed face,” which may very well be the only facial expression the character has in her arsenal . . .

So, April asks Cristina what she should do.  Cristina tells April that she should convene a board panel, to determine whether the patient should be on the transplant list.  So, April convenes a panel.  But she doesn’t know what to say to the board. 

So, she asks Cristina AGAIN!  Cristina tells her that, if Teddy thought the patient was a viable candidate, she probably would have already convened a panel.  Therefore, Teddy probably thinks the patient is not a good transplant candidate.  So, April tells the panel the patient is a bad candidate because .  . . umm . . . ummm . . . because  . . . he  . . . um . . . is old . . . and ummm . . . has uh. . . no family and friends . . . and ummm . . . is sick . . . and ummm . . . will uh . . . probably like die anyway . .  . or . . . something.

OK . . . now I’m scared, confused and slightly annoyed . . . 

Ladies and gentleman, welcome to the Future of Medicine!

Christina Yang – C

Cristina spent most of the episode wandering around dazedly like some sort of PTSD zombie (kind of like she has been for five episodes now).  However, unlike the patient in her care, SHE is (relatively) young, healthy, financially solvent, and actually HAS a support system. 

Specifically, Cristina has Meredith to bolster her confidence.  She has the Chief, Derek, and Teddy to give her the tough love, she so desperately needs now.  And she has her husband, Owen, to hold her, and tell her, “No matter what happens today, you and I are going home together.”

She also has this patient, who, inexplicably, sees something in Cristina that NONE OF US FANS have seen in her for five episodes now: namely, hope.  “Please don’t let me die.  I WANT TO LIVE!”  The patient pleads to a seemingly disaffected Cristina.

And so, at the very last minute, Cristina, like Alex before her, performs a Hail Mary!

She tells the skeptical panel that she has seen 27 transplant cases, and, in all of them, the will to live was the most important factor in the patient’s survival.  Healthwise, this patient may be borderline, but his will to live is strong.  “So, if you give this patient lungs, they will not go to waste, because he will LIVE,” concludes Cristina.

And the board AGREES, because they agree to put the Loveable Old Guy, on the lung transplant list. 

“You were a surgeon today, Yang,” says Teddy (These were the b*tchy doctor’s only kind words the ENTIRE episode, by the way).

And then, Cristina does something she hasn’t done in five episodes . . . she SMILES!

Please LORD, let this be the start of a new trend . . .

Lexie – A –

Poor Lexie!  She is the hospital’s ONLY third-year resident.  Everyone else, apparently is either a fourth-year or an intern.  (Man this hospital is POOR!  Maybe they should spend that “MILLION DOLLARS” hiring some new doctors.)

So, instead of being “Attending for a Day,” Lexie got to be “Everybody’s B*tch.”  But, she was REALLY good at it!  Lexie did everybody’s grunt work flawlessly.  She memorized her patient’s charts.  And, perhaps most importantly, she knew enough to call for help, when she had gotten in over her head.  In other words, this third-year kicked most of the fourth-year’s ASSES! *cough Avery, April, Cristina cough*

You go, GIRL!

THE ATTENDINGS

If you thought the residents did a BAD JOB of playing attendings . . . well, the attendings, did an EVEN WORSE job playing “Chief.”

“Heck, I could have told you that was going to happen!  I was a Bad Chief for an ENTIRE SEASON!”

Apparently, Seattle Grace, which (1) dropped in the rankings from 1 to 13 two seasons ago, and hasn’t come back since; (2) had to cut half its staff last season, because it was so POOR; (3) had to merge with another hospital last season, because it was so POOR; (4) lost 12 doctors in a freak shooting; and (5) has, recently, become known as the hospital you go to when you want to “be shot to death by psychos,” now has a surplus of . . .

“ONE MILLION DOLLARS!”

Yeah . . . I didn’t understand it either .  . .

Nevertheless, the Chief wanted each Attending to explain to him why his or her department should get the money.  As for the presentations, themselves?  Well, let’s just say they were . . . interesting.

Mark Sloan . . .

 . . . argued for a state-of-the-art Plastic Surgery facility, the money earned from which could be used to build a state-of-the-art Burn Victim Unit.  Now, this wasn’t necessarily a bad idea. 

What was BAD, was Sloan’s explanation as to why this would be good for the hospital.  In short, Sloan told the Chief that he should get $1 million dollars, so that he can throw himself into his work.  This way, he can forget about the fact that he’s not getting laid regularly, anymore . . .

SERIOUSLY?

Grade: C

Callie Torres . . .

Had Callie dressed like THIS to her presentation, the Chief might have taken her more seriously . . .

. . . who spent the whole day using immature tactics to psych out her “friends” about their presentations, spent hers talking about what a “Bad Lesbian” she is, and how much better of a lesbian Arizona is than her.  Honestly, I don’t even remember what idea she pitched . . .

Grade: F

Teddy Altman . . .

 . . . spent half the meeting with her nose buried in her note cards, mumbling on and on about stem cell research (Zzzzzzzzzzzz).  She spent the other half of the meeting bad mouthing her colleagues, and their respective specialties.

She also, apparently, forgot to brush her hair, before the meeting.  B*tches never prosper, Teddy!

Grade: D

Arizona Robbins . . .

 . . . spent so much time tossing around tissues, and promising that she wasn’t going to cry, that I can’t even remember how she planned to use the money to save the “Tiny Humans.”  And, honestly, who out there doesn’t think it’s “important to care for Tiny Humans?”

Aside from HIM . . .

How can ANYONE flub up a presentation, who’s sole purpose is to reiterate something with which EVERYONE ALREADY AGREES?

Grade: C-

Derek Shepard . . .

 . . . fared slightly better, by appealing to the Chief’s love for Meredith’s mother, and his paternal relationship with Meredith, herself.  Derek wants to use the money toward research of a cure for Alzheimers. 

 I liked what Derek said about real cures coming, not from pure science, but from indiviual doctors, and their belief in the futures of much-loved prospective patients, like Meredith. 

What I didn’t like, was that Derek’s plan was just a teensy bit selfish.  I also  didn’t like that Meredith misplaces her keys once, and forgets what day of the week it is (after working 13-hour shifts EVERY DAY, getting four hours of sleep a night, and literally spending 24-7 with ALL THE PEOPLE SHE WORKS WITH) and genius Dr. Derek immediately assumes the early 30-something has Alzheimers . . .

Derek . . . it’s called “BEING TIRED,” get used to it . . .

Grade: B –

Miranda Bailey . . .

 . . .immediately recognized this whole “Surplus Thing” for the Crock of Sh*t it really was.  And so, she suggested spending money on realistic day-to-day things the hospital actually needed: the replacement of broken and out-of-date machines, and a new nurse on the night shift. 

Chief Webber, who is often known for having his head up his ass in the clouds, chastized Bailey for her lack of creativity.  Yet, I thought she had the best (certainly, the most practical) plan out of EVERYBODY!

Grade: A

Owen Hunt . . .

 . . . was clearly the emotional favorite of the evening.  His discussion of The Shooting, and how a number of the lives lost could have been saved, had the doctors’ on staff received Trauma Training (most notably the initially maligned, but posthumously loved, Dr. Percy . . .)

 . . . undoubtedly brought tears to the eyes of many Grey’s fans.  And, perhaps, psychologically, receiving such training would be cathartic for the doctors at the hospital.  If nothing else, it would provide them with confidence of knowing that, if such a catastrophe were to happen again, they would have the tools necessary to handle it. 

So, I understand why Owen ultimately won the grant . . .

 And yet, I can’t help but wonder if this is the best use for money that the struggling hospital so DESPERATELY needs for other things (like a Night Nurse and new medical equipment).  

Don’t get me wrong, The Shooting was certainly awful.  Yet, what are the chances really of lightning striking twice in the same place?

Then again, this is Seattle.  And, if we’ve learned anything, during the past seven seasons, it’s that this hospital tends to be a really magnet for All that is Stormy and Electric!

Grade: A –

Here’s hoping that Chief Webber’s ominous prophecy, at the end of the episode, that “there are about to be some major changes [at this hospital]” doesn’t signify the coming of yet another Major Storm . . . 

[www.juliekushner.com]

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“If You’ve Got It, Flaunt It” – A Recap of Grey’s Anatomy’s “Can’t Fight Biology”

Well, hello there, Shirtless Jesse Williams!  My, have you “grown” since that Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants movie!  In fact, I’d very much like to travel in YOUR pants.

Ahh, biology.  It’s just not fair.  You see a picture like the one above, and wonder where YOU were, when they were handing out the chiseled arms and insane abs, in Heaven.  I mean, seriously!  Doesn’t it seem like some people have ALL THE LUCK, gene-wise, while others . . . well . . .DON’T?

It kind of reminds me of this old movie I used to watch, when I was a kid .  .  .

This week’s installent of Grey’s, not surprisingly, given the title, was all about doctors and patients trying to . . . for lack of a better phrase .  . . “fight biology.”  Let’s see how they did, shall we?

You’ve Gotta Fight, For Your Right to Potty!

So, what do you think Meredith is charging for rent, nowadays?  Given the revolving door of roommates she’s had since Season 1, that girl must be making a FORTUNE!  That being said, do you think she’d let ME move in?  I mean, I’d even be willing to sleep in the attic, next to the Christmas Ornaments, like Lexie . . . or on the roof, or in the shower.

They call it a “Frat House.”  I call it a “Fun House.”  It’s all a matter of how you look at things . . .

Unfortunately, Lexie doesn’t agree.  She wants Jackson and April gone . . . well, mostly April . . . she’s not blind after all.  Granted it does seem a bit unfair that April, who moved in after Lexie (presumably, shortly after The Shooting), gets Izzie’s room, while Lexie is stuck in the attic, with the moth balls.

“Why does April get to be New Izzie?  I am so much more like Izzie than April!  April is a TOTAL George!  She’s even socially awkward and celibate, like he was in early Season 1”

Interestingly enough, however, Lexie’s beef is NOT with the room arrangements, but with April, herself.  “I find her annoying,” gripes Lexie.

‘Really, because I find you, much more annoying,” says Christina, matter-of-factly.  (Awww, I love Old Snarky Christina!  I’ve been missing her a lot lately, especially during all this depressing PTSD-stuff.)

COME BACK, Hilariously Grouchy Robot Surgeon, COME BACK!

Meredith, however, kindly tells Lexie to “suck it up.”  After all, Big Grey has got her own problems to deal with.  And those problems come with a name: HOSTILE UTERUS.

According to the obstetrician Meredith and Derek visit at the beginning of the episode, it was likely the hostility of Meredith’s uterus, and not the trauma of The Shooting, that caused Meredith to miscarry.  Therefore, without proper treatment, she very well may miscarry again.

Ever the ray of sunshine, Derek is not the least bit bothered by this news.  “How would you feel if she called your penis, angry or snide?”  Meredith retorts.

‘Touche!”

Back in Newlywed Land, Owen and Christina are searching for a new apartment, when they come upon an Old Firehouse with which Owen becomes immediatley smitten.

“It has a fire pole.”

“See, honey, you see a ‘Fire Pole,’ I see a ‘Stripper Pole.’  It’s all about how you look at things!”

Meanwhile, over in Lesbi-land, Arizona is getting majorly P O’ed, because Mark keeps nosing his way into her “Happy Time” with Callie.

Arizona’s obvious dislike for Mark puts Callie in a tough position, because he is her Bestie with Benefits.  When Callie questions Arizona about her McSteamy Hate, she explains that he “has abs where his soul should be?”  (And that’s a BAD thing?)

As if being soulless wasn’t awful enough, Mark “like totally stares at Arizona’s boobs, like all the time.”

THE HORROR!

Seattle Grace has a new face . . .

Poor Chief Webber!  It has been only a few days, since he resumed the position of “Chief” at the hospital.   And, already, Seattle Grace is having an Identity Crisis.  Who knew The Shooting would be so bad for morale?  Fortunately El Jefe has some ideas about how to bring Seattle Grace back to Numbero Uno. 

The first is to create a wing for Bariatric (a.k.a. weight loss) Surgery.  But in order to create such a wing, Webber would have to tear down the Dead Denny Memorial Clinic.

“Hell to the NO!  I’m not having that man’s ghost haunting me.  Did you SEE what did to Izzie?  He completely ruined her character.

Chief Webber’s next idea to save the hospital’s image is a new advertising campaign.

Hmmm .  . . not bad.  But you know what would be even better?

Now THAT is a place I would go to get my appendix removed and my panties!

What Jackson Avery and Vampires have in common . . .

“You WILL finish reading this recap.  And tell all your friends how many shirtless pictures of ME are in it.  I compel YOU!”

Like most of the doctors at Seattle Grace, Jackson hasn’t quite been “himself” since “The Shooting.”  He’s been repeatedly dropping his pants things, making mistakes, answering questions wrong, and making sloppy notes in his attending’s files.

“You just got called a dumb blonde,” sneers Karev, when he and Jackson overhear Teddy griping about the breathtakingly beautiful doctor. 

This gives Jackson an idea . . .

I bet you didn’t know this, but the Grey’s writers Jackson Avery just so happens to be a BIG fan of vampire television shows, like True Blood and The Vampire Diaries.  And, if you’ve ever watched those shows (and you should, because they are AWESOME), you know that just about once every episode, there’s a scene, where the beautiful vampire will stare directly into the unwitting victim’s eyes, and MAKE him or her do whatever the vampire says.

Well, Jackson may not be a vampire at least, that we know of, but he sure is beautiful enough to be one!  So, he decides to try to mind control Teddy into giving him surgeries.  And  IT WORKS . . .

 . . . at least for about 3 /4ths of the episode.   Teddy gets wise to Jackson’s evil vampire tricks, when she finds him partially nude in the locker room at work . . . obviously, waiting for her to find him like that.

Teddy is TOTALLY turned on PISSED!  She starts peppering Jackson with surgical questions.  And when he answers them correctly, she REALLY lets him have it!  (But not in the way, any of us, were secretly hoping she would 😉 ).

“You are more than the pretty face you make yourself out to be,” Teddy lectures.

She goes on to tell Jackson that, while flubbing up during rounds is not a fireable offense, flirting in the OR IS,which means this WHOLE CAST should have been canned a LONG TIME AGO.  “Put your shirt on, and scrub in,” she seethes, before stalking off.

Teddy is officially my hero  . . . except for the part where she told Jackson to put on his shirt.  That sucked.

“Men Don’t Discriminate, When It Comes To Jugs”

“And women don’t discriminate when it comes to &*^s.”

Speaking of objectification of the human body, throughout the episode, Arizona continues to avoid Mark like the plague — throwing out her best B*tch Face, whenever he tries to talk to Callie in front of her.  This isn’t surprising.  What is surprising, is who ends up putting a stop to it . . . THIS GUY!

Alex explains to Arizona that Mark saved Karev’s life during The Shooting.  he did this, even though, at the time, Karev was sleeping with his girl.  “That doesn’t sound like someone without a soul, does it?”

“So, what if he stares at your boobs?”  Karev continues.  “They’re good boobs.  I stare at them.  Sure, maybe they are lesbian boobs.   But guys don’t discriminate when it comes to boobs.  You should be nice to him, because you love her.”

And so, that was how Arizona came to ask Mark out on a date.  I smell a threesome . . .

Men DO discriminate when it comes to legs . . .

Speaking of Alex, telling Arizona that she had nice boobs wasn’t the only nice thing he did this episode.  (TWO nice things in one hour?  Surely, this has to be some kind of a Karev Record.)  It all started when Alex was doing his Pediatric Rotation with Arizona.  One of the patients he met there, was a young male ballet phenom, who was suffering from bone cancer.

In order to prevent the cancer from spreading, normal medical procedure would suggest that he would need to have his leg amputated.  The young ballet dancer was inconsolate over this suggestion.  Even if he was given the best prosthetic leg that money could buy, he would never be able to dance again.  To prove his point, the ballet dancer performs for Alex and the other doctors, right there in the hospital room.

The dance was touching.  But was even more touching was the boy’s big manly beefcake of a dad’s excited and super proud reaction to it.  Coolest . . . Patient’s  . . . Dad  . . . EVER!  I got teary just watching him.

Alex was affected by the performance too, which was why he HAD to find a way to rescue the dancer’s leg.  Enter April . . .

She of the Energizer Virginity (It keeps going . . . and going), and the Chore Wheels, and the Squeaky Voice.  It is SHE who recalls reading an article about a cadaver bone, which was used as a replacement for a cancerous human bone.  Alex is so overjoyed, he even gives April his fries!

Lexie is PISSED!

Maybe April is the New Izzie, after all . . . 😉

Although they don’t have a cadaver bone, Alex and Co. are able to remove the dancer’s leg bone, clean the cancer out of it, and reinstert it back inside the dancer.  So, the dancer will be able to dance again.  And everybody lives happily ever after . . .

Except Lexie . . .

You see, Girlfriend, has a BAD case of the Green Eyed Monster.  And everytime, she sees Meredith and the rest of the crew paling around with April, you can almost see the little tufts of steam rising out of her ears.

And when Lexie finds out that Meredith told April about her trip to the obstetrician and not her, she EXPLODES!  In fact, she’s pretty sure she’s going nuts, like that crazy lady from Six Feet Under, who drove her car into a laundromat, because her ex husband was in there, washing his new girlfriend’s “delicates.”

WOW, someone REALLY doesn’t like granny panties . . .

Fortunately, Meredith is able to calm Lexie down, by convincing her little sister that “you’re not crazy, you’re a Grey” (i.e. YOU’RE REALLY CRAZY!)

Ultimately, Lexie apologizes to April for being a total BIATCH to her for the past hour.  The pair even manage to reach some sort of a truce, as long as April doesn’t do anything crazy . . . like put up a Chore Wheel in the Meredith Grey Frat House of Love . . .

The part where patients’ suffer, so Meredith and Christina can work out their personal issues . . .

Who needs therapy, when you have a whole hospital full of patients, chock with “life lessons” right at your fingertips?  Christina’s life lesson comes from that lawyer with Aspergers from Boston Legal.  Only, now he is a professor, who eats worms.

*sings*  “Nobody likes me.  Everybody hates me.  I guess I’ll have to go eat WORMS!”

Apparently, the Professor was eating these worms, as part of his research toward finding a cure for asthma.  Ummm . . . eating worms . . . for asthma?  That kind of reminds me of those pharmaceutical commercials that sell medicine for Restless Leg Syndrome.  You know, the ones where the side effects are dry mouth, stroke, heart attack, loss of limbs, and BRUTAL PAINFUL DEATH?

But the Professor, man, he LOVES HIS WORMS!  He loves them so much, in fact, that he would rather risk his own life, than have a vital surgery, because said surgery might kill the worms!  Eventually, however, the Professor finds himself completely out of options.  Worms be damned.  Surgery is a MUST.  So, the Professor pleads with Christina to save the worms.  “When you love something, you will do anything for it,” he says.

Unfortunately, Christina is unable to save the Professor’s precious worms following surgery.

Wow, I can’t believe this show actually has the power to make me cry over DEAD WORMS! Way to go, Grey’s!

But her talk with the Professor, convinced her to return to surgery, FINALLY reminded her of how much she loves Owen.   In fact, she loves him so much, that she got him the apartment with the stripper fire pole!

YIPPEE!

For Meredith’s part, she meets a patient, who is just starting to show signs of Huntington’s disease.  However, rather than spend her last few “normal” months going to doctors and getting tests, she decides to take a trip to Brazil, and do lots of fun slutty things with Hot Sexy Latino Men.

MY KINDA LADY!

This gets Meredith to thinking about her mother’s struggles with early onset Alzheimers, and whether she too has the gene.  Meredith decides to let Christina take her blood and test her for it.  However, while the results are sitting at the lab, Meredith tells Derek what she has done, and he feels differently about it than she does.

Derek doesn’t want he and Meredith to spend the rest of their sort-of young lives fearing the inevitable.  He wants to have LOTS OF SEX (yay!), and work, and drink, and do all those other things we typically associate with “normal” life.  “Let’s just live,” concludes Derek.

Do YOU agree with him?

[www.juliekushner.com]

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You’re not a weirdo, you’re “special!” – A Recap of Grey’s Anatomy’s “Superfreak”

Who doesn’t like to start their day with a good old-fashioned threesome?

“You’re not a weirdo.  You’re special.”

“He’s not dumb.  He’s special.”

“She’s not ugly.  She’s just special.”

“They are doing bizarre things, because they are special.”

The above lines were frequently uttered in my childhood home, whenever I would make a derogatory or insensitive comment about someone or something that I found dissatisfactorily different.  I presume these responses were intended to make grow into a more open-minded tolerant adult.  And, eventually, I guess they did.  Initially, however, their only effect was to make me subconsciously despise the word “special.”

This week’s installment of Grey’s Anatomy was all about the things that make us “special.”  So, without further adieu, let’s let our Freak Flags fly, and take a look back at this “very special” episode.

“I’m Not G.I. Jane.  I’m Attachment Barbie!”

Before I begin, please enjoy this pictoral representation of the above statement.

=

but . . .

Poor Dr. Teddy! FINALLY, she had found herself a Hot and Smart Boyfriend . . .

 . . . who wasn’t hung up on another girl . . . ahem . . .

 . . .  ahem . . .

. . . He even provided her with FREE THERAPY!

OK . . . mostly just Sex Therapy, but still . . .

Then, just when she’s really starting to like him, HE LEAVES!

Leaves?  To go where?  I mean, I understand that Dr. Perkins is a recurring guest star “Trauma Specialist,” who was only hired to help the doctors at Seattle Grace transition back into performing surgeries, following the shooting.  But where does he live?  Timbuktu? 

 Do you mean to tell me that there are NO “Trauma Specialists” practicing in the entire West Coast?  Somehow, I find that very hard to believe .  . .  I mean, California alone is filled with enough “special” “traumatized” folks to keep doctors like Andrew Perkins busy for YEARS!

So, WHAT if he doesn’t work in the hospital anymore?  Can’t ANYBODY on this show sustain a healthy relationship with someone who has found *gasp* employment elsewhere?  Haven’t these people ever heard of the phrase “don’t poo, where you eat?”

(OK . . . I’m done ranting now.  I apologize.  I guess Teddy wasn’t the only one who got “attached” to Doctor Perkins.)

Anyway . . . at the end of the episode the soon-to-be absent Dr. Andrew, more or less, diagnoses Teddy as being “Relationship Retarded,” and chronically self-sabotaging regarding the men to whom she finds herself attracted.  Awwwww, how romantic!

“You had me at ‘Retarded!'”

“You Stink . . .”

“. . . but, hey, at least you’re hot!”

Lately, it  seems as though the men of Seattle Grace have been having issues with “personal hygiene.”  Last week, Derek Shepard arrived at work smelling like pee . . .

This week, Alex . . .

. . . wandered the hospital halls, reeking like Smelly Gym Socks . . .

You see, Alex smelled bad, because he was sweaty.  And he was sweaty, because he was using Seattle Grace as his personal gym — running up and down its stairwell, like Rocky . . .

And he was running the stairs like Rocky, because he was afraid of elevators.  And he was afraid of elevators, because he just saw that AWFUL M. Night Shamalamadingdong movie where the Devil hung out in one he almost bled to death in one.

Of course, only one man was smart enough to put all of this together, and figure out Alex’s Deep Dark Secret, THIS GUY . . .

Chief Webber – The Stink Detective

After solving the horrible Smell Crime, Chief Webber decided to “cure” Alex, by making him ride the elevators with him over and over, again, up and down, until he was “not scared, just bored.” 

Yes, Average American Citizen, when you are shelling out thousands of bucks a year to the healthcare industry, THIS is what you are paying for, Rich Surgeons riding elevators, over and over again, until they get “bored” . . .

 

It just warms my heart to know that my money is being spent to help “those in need” . . .

Lesson of the Day . . .

When trying to get unwelcome visitors to leave your apartment . . .

 .  . . just have Crazy Dirty Sex right in front of them  . . .

PicSpam provided by http://fuckyeahcallieandarizona.tumblr.com/

 (Then again, that might actually make them stay LONGER . . .).

Yeah, I’m sorry Callie and Arizona.  Once again, you had a lame and insignificant storyline this week.  But hey, isn’t Wild and Crazy PDA in front of the Mr. and Mrs. PTSD better than fighting over paint swatches?

Yeah, I thought so too . . .

If at first you don’t succeed, screw someone else . . .

When you work at Seattle Grace, a lot can happen in a single hour.  One minute you can be stalking pining over the Girl of Your Dreams . . .

The next you can be boning your best friend’s REALLY ANNOYING baby sister . . .

. . . while the Girl of Your Dreams (who was probably about to tell you that she still loves you) watches . . .

 . . . all because some patient’s wife told you that “Sometimes love just ain’t enough.”

(Ummm . . . Mark . . . just because it’s the title of an 80’s song, doesn’t make it Good Advice . . .)

So About that Patient . . .

There are a lot of things I could have said / jokes I could have made about this week’s Medical Marvel of the Week — a man with a rare form of HPV that caused his entire body to be covered with warts, giving him what looked like trees for hands. 

(Needless to say, if someone in the Grey’s Anatomy makeup department ever wanted to get into doing horror films after Grey’s went off the air, this would be the picture on the top page of the portfolio).

However, kinder, gentler, friends of mine warned me that HPV is a very REAL disease, and that making such jokes would be inappropriate . . .

So, to make a long story short.  He looked gross.  He made Lexie gag.  A spider randomly crawled out of his arm during surgery.  It made the apparently arachniphobic Bailey scream like a little girl.  They couldn’t fix him.  His wife left his ass.  So much for a happy ending . . .

And that “Other” Patient . . .

Through the course of this show, our Seattle Grace residents have dealt with men who swallowed Barbie heads, insane psycho killers, people who have sex with ghosts, someone with a 10-foot pole up his spine, and, most recently, a real life Tree Man.  Taking all that into consideration, it was a bit unbelievable that these same people would be so shocked, appalled, and freaked out by something as mundane and dull as a 27-year old virgin.

You know who shocked me MORE?  Her fiance!  And no, it’s not just because the actor who played him, Omar Gooding . . .

. . . just so happens to be the little brother of a MAJORLY FAMOUS actor with the same last name . . .

. . . or because he used to be on this very random show I used to watch on Nickelodeon when I was a kid . . .

 . . . I’m talking about the fact that the character was NOT a virgin, and yet, was willing to abstain from sex for TWO WHOLE YEARS . . .

. . . all because his girlfriend wanted to wait until marriage.  I mean, THAT’S GOTTA qualify you for Sainthood or something, right?

In fact, it was this guy’s superhuman fortitude, and NOT his fiance’s virgin status, that made me cringe, when I found out what was “wrong” with the girl in question. 

Fellow TV Watchers, have you ever noticed on television that, right before a character learns something from another character that’s going to DEMORALIZE his or her significant other, the character receiving the information always says “Anything you say to me, you can say in front of my [signficant other].”

I’m sorry, but that has to be the STUPIDEST thing to say EVER!  Word to the wise, secret keepers, when someone tells you they’d like to tell you something in private, DO IT!  Don’t try to be a hero!  If you do, you may just end up without a sidekick . . .

As it turns out, the “virginal” soon-to-be bride was experiencing medical complications, as a result of . . . swallowing a condom.

Well, understandably, hearing this made Mr. I Haven’t Had Sex in Two Years to Appease My Virginal Girlfriend’s blue balls EXPLODE!

However, in hindsight, he needn’t have gotten so riled up.  After all, his fiance had only swallowed the condom, while attempting to practice the fine art of giving him oral sex putting on a condom with her teeth . . .

OPEN WIDE!

Just a word to the wise Bride-to-Be, on your BIG Wedding Night, USE YOUR HANDS!

As it turns out, Bride-to-Be isn’t the only late twenty-something virgin in Seattle, Dr. April is one too . . .

 . . . and when the residents find out about it, at one of their late night alcoholic functions . . .

 . . . they give poor April a really hard time about it . . .

“Ummmm . . . April, if you ever need someone to ‘Boldly Go Where No Man Has Gone Before,’ I am totally your guy . . . Would it help you to know that I just showered?”

April stands up for herself.  And in one of those Slightly Overdramatic Character Exposition Monologues that Grey’s has become so known for over the past five years, the 28-year old virgin proceeds to tell all of the show’s main characters what’s wrong with EACH OF THEM!

Clearly impressed, Meredith tells April that she is “liking [her] more and more.”

Are YOU?

“You are flaming out . . . It is NOT OK.”

Christina Yang is contemplating a serious career change, one that involves poo and plungers . . .

Talk about a “Game Changer.”  Christina Yang is definitely the last character we would expect to see like this.  When we see her this week, she is needy, vulnerable, and unable to sleep alone.  But more disturbing, is her new apathy toward toward medicine in general, and surgery, specifically.

It is very hard to watch this “New Christina,” who has been put on Derek’s rotation, but only because he demanded it (“If she goes, I go!”  He said to the rest of the board.)  She continually feigns lack of knowledge of surgical procedures, and when she does get inside the OR, she freezes AGAIN!

“Would you still love me, if I wasn’t a surgeon?”  Christina asks Owen, in one of their sweet little cuddle sessions we’ve come to expect from this season.  (These two are the NEW Meredith and Derek, it seems).

HELL NO, BITCH!  I would love you if you were a plumber . . .

 . . . but would YOU love you if you weren’t a surgeon?”  Owen replies.

“I don’t know . . . maybe,” Christina answer’s dolefully.

Toward the end of the episode, Derek commandeers her in an empty OR.  “You are flaming out,  And as someone who cares about you, it is not OK,” he tells her.

Derek admits to Christina that she is not someone he initially would have chosen as a friend mainly because she can be such a heinous bitch, sometimes.  And yet, here she is — his wife’s best friend / Twisted Sister, the woman who saved his life.  She is like family. 

And so, Derek stays with Christina.  He guides her through the surgical procedure she conducted on him on the fateful day that changed both of their lives forever.  She performs the surgery again . . . this time on a dummy.

It’s depressing . . . but oddly poignant.

Speaking of Twisted Sisters . . .

I know all you Private Practice fans out there ADORE Amelia Shepherd, but BOY did she bug me!  And no, it wasnt just because she unwittingly ruined Mark and Lexie’s chance at happiness.  Nor was it because her definition of love was bringing Derek a Tumor Patient she banged on the airplane on the way over . . .

No.  She bugged me because she was ANNOYING, and INSENSITIVE.  She said mean things about Christina, like that she was a “learning disabled” “dud.”  And she somehow managed to make the trauma Derek suffered as a result of the shooting ALL ABOUT HER!

“Why didn’t you call me?  Why didn’t you tell me?  Why haven’t you visited me?  MEMEMEMEMEMEME?”

So, I wasn’t so mad at Derek for being a total Ass to her, despite her having traveled ALL THE WAY FROM PRIVATE PRACTICE to see him.  And yet, I was touched by Derek’s little speech, about always wanting to protect his baby sister from harm.  Apparently, Derek has felt that way, ever since the night when his father was shot, right before his and Amelia’s eyes.  Amelia was only five at the time.

For Derek to tell Amelia about his being shot, would be to admit to his baby sister that the world is a dark and unforgiving place.  And, even though Amelia is clearly an adult now, Derek still isn’t quite ready to do that just yet . . .

So, I guess it ended up being all about HER, after all . . .

So, there you have it fellow Greysies!  Another episode bites the dust.  Next stop, SHIRTLESS AVERY!

*Sigh*  Is it next week yet?

[www.juliekushner.com]

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10 Things I Learned from Watching Grey’s Anatomy’s “Shock to the System”

“Is this going to be on the exam?”

I suspect that there are many of you out there who only watch Grey’s Anatomy for the “mushy-gushy relationship stuff” .  . .

 . . . the bizarro plotlines involving psycho serial killers . . .

 . . . the hot hallucinatory Ghost Sex . . .

. . . and the abundance of Sexy Shirtless Men . . .

(NEWS FLASH:  Nearly Naked Dr. Avery!  Coming Soon to a TV Near You, October 14th!  Never has the invention of HDTV been more appreciated . . .)

And while all of the above are perfectly valid reasons to watch this long-running show, what many fans fail to realize, is that Grey’s Anatomy is also a treasure trove of life lessons for us all!

So, without further adieu, let’s look back at the lessons we learned from this week’s installment of Grey’s Anatomy, “Shock to the System.”

1)  If you wish to fake an emotional breakthrough with your shrink, so that he will clear you to return to work (or, at least, trade those LAME anti-depressants he currently has you on, for the AWESOME uppers you’ve been eyeing since you started therapy), bad mascara and crumbly tissues are not enough . . .

Particularly if, even after crying, you still look like you belong in a Banana Republic magazine advertisement . . .

Drastic times call for drastic measures.  And in this situation, Ugly Cry Face is required.  Here are a few examples of what I mean:

Then again, if your name is “Meredith Grey,” and you are on a show called GREY’S Anatomy, you’ll be back at work after two episodes, anyway.  So, you might not even need to resort to this . . .

2) Those who lie down with criminals  . . .

 . . . wake up smelling like pee . . .

(and sometimes unwittingly attract new boyfriends named “Vito.”)

3) It may come as a shock to you, but there are some TV Watchers and (patients at Seattle Grace) . . .

 . . . who stopped watching Grey’s Anatomy after the third season.

Shocking . . . yes . . . but entirely plausible.  As a result of their Grey’s -watching negligence, these individuals may truly believe that Christina Yang is still involved with Dr. Preston Burke . . .

 . . . and that Isaiah Washington was never fired from the show . . .

“Well, THAT was awkward!”

While we are on the subject, here are some other aspects of the show about which these erstwhile Grey’s fans might be confused:

“Who are half these people?”

“Where the heck are George and Izzie?”

 

“So, Callie is a lesbian, now?”

4) When trying to convince your colleagues that you aren’t Bat Sh*t Crazy . . .

 . . . screaming at them “That’s ME, I’m the CRAZY ONE!” and running around the hospital muttering loudly to yourself, “She never saw it coming!  She never saw it coming!”  OMG!  She never saw it coming!” will probably not help your cause. 

Oh . . . and while we are at it . . . just because one of your patients is crying . . .

 . . . doesn’t mean it has to do with YOU and YOUR PROBLEMS.  Strange as it may seem, THE WORLD DOESN’T REVOLVE AROUND YOU!!!!!

Regardless, of what HE might lead you to believe . . .

5) If you play a lesbian couple on a show that predominately caters to straight females . . .

. . . the best you can hope for in a storyline is some comic relief-esque banter involving room decoration and paint swatches.

Thanks for playing!  Better luck next time!

6) If Miranda Bailey is touching your boobies, in the middle of a hospital hallway .  . .

 . . . your secrets WILL come out . . .

. . . even if she has to wrench them from your body with a pair of barely sterilized tweezers!

7) When THIS GUY says you are not ready to do surgeries . . .

 . . . you are NOT READY TO DO SURGERIES!

No “ifs” “ands” or “buts” about it, MISSY!

8 ) Are you single?  Feeling lonely?  Unappreciated by the men (or women) in your life?

Worry not!  Getting the objects of your desire to notice you is EASY!

Just get STRUCK BY LIGHTENING, along with all the men of your dreams!

You’ll be beating them off with a stick in NO TIME!  (No really . . . you’ll probably end up wanting to physically beat them.)

9) If your boyfriend is a shrink, and most of your dates are spent with you just talking, and him just “listening” . . .

 . . .  you’re not in a “relationship,” you’re in “therapy.”  Then again, with healthcare plans being what they are today, WHO CARES? 

But, if he ever sends you a bill for his “services,” it’s probably time for you two to have “the talk.”  (The phrase “quid pro quo” might come in handy . . . just saying.)

And finally . . .

10) If you lost your husband’s baby during a tragic accident . . .

 . . . and haven’t told him yet, just bite the bullet and DO IT!

If he’s anything like Dr. McDreamy, he’ll be totally cool with it!  And if he’s not . . . well . . . you wouldn’t want his Ugly Ass Baby, ANYWAY!

So, there you have it —  Ten Lessons learned from this week’s installment of Grey’s Anatomy.  Consider yourself SCHOOLED!

[www.juliekushner.com]

 

 

 

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You did WHAT???!!!- A Recap of the Grey’s Anatomy Season Premiere “With You I’m Born Again”

Can you believe that Grey’s Anatomy kicked off its SEVENTH SEASON this week?  That means the show is almost SIX YEARS OLD?  That’s not a Baby Show anymore.  It’s a BIG KID Show.  It’s a friggin FIRST GRADER!  And as for those of you who, like me, have watched Grey’s since its inception . . . seriously . . . how OLD are you feeling right NOW?

“I remember back when this show started, I still had all my REAL teeth!”

A lot can change in six years.  And, as fans of Grey’s Anatomy, it’s highly likely that WE have personally experienced many changes, ourselves, both in our personal and professional lifes, since the show began.  But while gradual change is commonplace, throughout the course of a human lifetime, nothing brings about quick, groundbreaking, whirlwind change, like the experience of personal trauma.  And nothing says “personal trauma” like the mass murder of your friends and colleagues by a GUN-TOTING, CRAZED, LUNATIC!

So, without further adieu, let’s take a quick look at the ways in which our favorite Seattle Grace pals have changed, since we last saw them . . .

 GO SPEED RACER! GO!

It seems that the experience of getting stalked by a Wackjob, having been the indirect cause of 18 deaths, and being shot and nearly killed, himself, has given Seattle Grace’s McDreamiest surgeon a NEED FOR SPEED . . .

(Just not Speed, like in the Keanu Reeves movie . . . because I sincerely doubt Seattle’s “greatest surgeon” would ever deign to ride a BUS.)

When the episode first opens, Meredith has to go bail Derek out of the Pokey, following his recent tango with the law.  The crime?  Reckless Endangerment — a criminal charge that almost was, but wasn’t, filed, because the Seattle Cops “worship” McDreamy (a.k.a. have big juicy Man Crushes on him).

Who DOESN’T?

All, I’ve gotta say, is that it is a darn good thing Post-It Wifey, Meredith, bails Derek out when she does.  Because, from the looks of it, our favorite surgeon was looking like a pretty strong contender for a rousing prison game of “Who dropped the soap?”

It’s a contact sport.

Still smelling of “Jailhouse Rock,” Derek, who is scheduled to return to work as Chief of Staff that day, heads directly to his favorite speech-giving location (The Stairwell of Power), and . . .

. . . QUITS HIS JOB AS CHIEF . . .

. . .  thereby passing the “Chief-ly” baton back to THIS GUY . . .

 . . . Old / New Chief Webber, who responded to the news by  .  . . going into his new office, and reenacting scenes from the film, Boogie Nights.

I know some fans took McDreamy’s decision to relinquish his chiefly duties as a sign of this “Toxic Impulsivity” he’s contracted since the shooting.  However, for the most part, I think his decision was a sound one.  As a surgeon, Derek is AWESOME!  As a chief .  . . not so much.  

While acting as Chief last season, Derek seemed much less like the McDreamy we had grown to love for five years, and much more like . . . McPoopyhead.

Besides, Derek simply didn’t have TIME to be Chief, not with his upcoming Crazy Insano Surgery of the Week — a surgery that I will lovingly refer to as the “Face Off.”

Yes, boys and girls!  Under the guise of removing a massive inoperable brain tumor  (Aren’t they ALWAYS massive and inoperable when Derek is involved?  Has this guy EVER operated on something “operable?”), Derek, along with his stalwart crew, literally REMOVES SOME TEENAGER’S FACE, by CUTTING IT STRAIGHT DOWN THE MIDDLE.  And it is gross . . .  Fortunately, we don’t have to sit through too much of it, however. 

Because, after six seasons, I think our Grey’s writers have FINALLY learned what us fans have known since Season 1.  Namely, if we wanted to watch medical mysteries, we’d turn on House.  But we don’t.  We watch Grey’s for the hot men, the funny one-liners, and the juicy sex scenes.  And though it was, admittedly, a bit light on the “sex” for my taste, what we wanted was, more or less, what we got, in this Season Premiere.

Speaking of sex, after successfully performing the “Face Off,”  Derek, still reeking of blood and guts, was suddenly SUPER HORNY.  And so, he accosted Post-It Wife Meredith in the on-call room, and prepared to “Do the Deed.”  “Let’s make babies like the one you miscarried last season, but forgot to tell me about, ” whispered Derek in Meredith’s ear, as he feverishly removed his scrubs, and proceeded on to Grope Fest 2010.

Then his beeper went off . . .

“Seriously, BEEPER!  Are you effing kidding me?”

Apparently, Face Off Boy was in pain . . . Because, having your face sawed in half?  Kind of painful.  No . . . scratch that.  VERY PAINFUL.  And yet, after a few kind words from Derek, Face Off Boy is just fine . . .

 

That’s OK, Monkey.  I didn’t buy it either.   Apparently, Derek has become some kind of Super Hero, since last season.

After stopping Face Off Boy’s Excruciating Pain in under a minute, off dashes our Super Hero to save a woman from a burning building drive 125 mph in a 50 mph zone, en route to a wedding where he is supposed to be Best Man (more on that later).  Except, this time, when Derek gets arrested for Reckless Endangerment, Meredith LEAVES HIS ASS IN JAIL, and goes to the wedding, BY HERSELF!

It looks like Derek’s new prison friends are going to get a chance to play “Who dropped the soap?” with him after all!

Just a little going away present for our favorite Doctor, locked away in the Big Dog House.  You never know when such things might come in handy . . .

Still Dark and Twisty, after ALL THESE YEARS . . .

While Derek was busy speeding the streets, quitting his job, cutting peoples’ faces off, being a Super Hero, and hiding the soap, Meredith was  . . . well . . . she wasn’t doing much of anything actually, because Dr. Andrew Perkins . . .

a.k.a. McSexyShrinko

 . . . had not yet cleared her to perform surgery.  McSexyShrinko felt that Meredith had still not properly owned up to her inner demons, following The Shooting.  And one of those demons (though McSexyShrinko couldn’t have possibly known this, because she didn’t tell him), was the pregancy and subsequent miscarriage Meredith endured, during the traumatic event.

An “awkward position” to be in.

Believing that Derek has been through too much in recent months to cope with the loss of a baby as well, Meredith has borne the pain and burden of this secret, on her own skinny shoulders.  And, though she would never admit to it, it is obviously eating her up inside.

Yet, with all she is going through, Meredith finds it in her heart, to be there for her best friend, Christina, during the latter’s time of need.  Despite her initial misgivings about their relationship, and her belief that the pair was jumping into marriage so soon after The Shooting, Meredith ultimately gives Christina away at her wedding to Owen.  And when Christina nervously asks her best friend, if Owen is OK, prior to the wedding, Our Plucky Protagonist sweetly replies, “He’s perfect.  He is just perfect.”

And if a statement like that coming from an Avowed Cynic, like Meredith, doesn’t warm your heart, I don’t know what will!

Speaking of Christina . . .

Here Comes the Bride .  . . All Dressed in  . . . RED?

Aside from the fact that she is getting married to the guy we just saw her BREAK UP WITH at the end of last season, because she believed him to be “just not that into [her],” and more into SOMEONE ELSE . . .

. . . the main differences we notice in Christina, during the Season Premiere, are that she (1) doesn’t seem to care AT ALL that she, like Meredith, hasn’t yet been cleared for surgery; and (2) spends almost the entire episode READING BRIDAL MAGAZINES.

Later, in a groundbreaking session with Dr. Perkins, we learn that Christina is focusing on these magazines, in an effort to force herself into the proverbial box in her head that she has labeled: “The Simple Girl.” 

“I went to school with women like this,” notes Christina, “Women who only wanted to marry the guy, and wear the pretty dress.  I used to pity them.  But I’ve realized that, in life, you can either be a Simple Girl, or you can be  . . . Me.  But Simple Girls are never forced to perform surgeries with guns to their heads.”

We are instantly flashed back to an evening a few months’ prior, when Owen arrives at Christina’s home, to find her frantic, panic-stricken, and unusually vulnerable.  “You’re late,” she insists.

 “I don’t want to be alone anymore,” says Christina tearfully, as Owen scoots next to her on the couch, and tries in vain to comfort her.

“You don’t have to be alone ever again.  Let me stay,” offers Owen.

And then he does this . . .

It’s a simple and sweet moment.  One that truly reflects these two characters and the often silent connection they have with one another.  Sure, “not wanting to be alone” isn’t the healthiest reason to marry someone.  But I’ve certainly heard worse .  . .

And the wedding?  Well, it was pretty awesome.  From the adoring way, Owen looked at Christina . . .

“Please lord, don’t let me end up like that Dr. Burke guy.  It’s HARD to get a job in Hollywood as a redhead!”

“Be afraid Ginger Boy!  Be VERY afraid!”

 . . .to Christina’s red dress (because white dresses are “offensive and vaguely racist,” according to Christina)

 . . . to how touched the couple’s colleagues were by the moment . . .

 . . . everything was, as Meredith said, perfect.

Sure, it’s a long shot.  It’s ALWAYS a long shot.  But, who’s to say these two Crazy Kids won’t be able to stick it out for the long haul?

Oh . . . and just in case you were concerned?  Owen and Teddy are TOTALLY DUNZO.  And Teddy has (rather conveniently, I might add) found a NEW MAN.  Actually, I think you might know him . . .

It’s Dr. McSexyShrinko!

Speaking of couples that are TOTALLY DUNZO . . .

The Opposite of Bad Ass

Lexie’s and Alex’s coupledom started going down hill when Alex called out Izzie’s name during sex bleeding to death, from a  bullet wound.  Considering that Izzie has already been MIA for half a season now, and LEXIE was the one saving Alex’s life at the time, I would say this was a pretty classic case of The Boy Who Doesn’t Know Where His Bread is Buttered . . .

Warning:  The loaf of bread has NOT BEEN BUTTERED BY IZZIE!  Jackass!

Things went from bad to worse, when Alex decided to keep his bullet from The Shooting lodged in his stomach, so he could use it to pick up chicks.

Yes, we CAN blame Alex for being a tool.  But can we REALLY blame all those chicks for banging him, when he looks like THIS? 

So, apparently, we can now expect many more episodes, during which a Shirtless Alex walks around the hospital, letting random slutty nurses rub his belly, and finger his scars.

But the final nail in the coffin was when Lexie had a PTSD freak-out in the hospital, and Wimpy Alex just WALKED AWAY, like a b*tch!  “I’ve had enough crazy for one lifetime,” Alex tells McSexyShrinko, when questioned about the incident.

Well, considering that Alex’s first girlfriend gave him an STD . . .

 . . . his second one ended up being a TOTAL Nutbag . . .

and his third girlfriend cheated on him with a DEAD GUY . . .

I guess I’d be inclined to agree!

And yet, I couldn’t help but cheer, when Alex tried to hit on Lexie at Owen’s and Christina’s wedding and she COMPLETELY TOLD HIM OFF!

“You may think that you are Bad Ass, because you lived.  But I’m the reason you lived.  And while you were sitting on that operating table DYING, you were calling out the name of your ex-wife who left you.  I’d say, that’s the opposite of Bad Ass.”

I think Alex just pooped his pants.

Did I mention that, unlike Alex, Dr. Mark “McSteamy” Sloan has TOTALLY been looking out for / trying to take care of Lexie this ENTIRE TIME . . .

 . . . or that Jackson Avery is approximately her age, single, and, is now a Series Regular?

Oh, Alex!  You are SO YESTERDAY’S SCREW!

In other news . . .

Good Times Ahead for “Calzona”

After an entire episode during which Arizona worried that Callie would either propose marriage, or start bugging her about “making babies” again, Doctor Blondie was TOTALLY relieved, when Callie finally revealed was that she simply wanted Arizona to live with her on a more permanent basis.   

“I want you to move in with me. I love you, and you have a drawer . . . and a toothbrush . . . and I want you to have a whole dresser and a whole . . .blow-dryer. Or something.. more romantic than that or .  . .something,” mumbles Callie adorably.”

And, just in case some of you out there, missed it, the exchange looked something like this:

and, when Arizona happily accepted Callie’s Proposal of Cohabitation, it looked like THIS . . .

“Blow Dryer” GIF and Calzona PicSpam provided courtesy of: http://fuckyeahcallieandarizona.tumblr.com/

It’s SO HARD to SAY GOODBYE .  . . to  the Gas Man

Oh, Ben!  Dear, Sweet, Miranda Bailey-loving, anesthesiologist, Ben!  We hardly knew ye!  But, already, we loved ye!  We loved the way you made Bailey happy, giddy, and smiley. 

We loved the way you got her to blissfully sing in the elevator, after the two of you FINALLY did the deed.  In short, you were a godsend for our favorite Nazi!

Sure, we always knew that, eventually, you would have to leave.  Really, we did.  But that didn’t make it any easier to watch Miranda dump you.

Yes, you just so happened to be golfing while a young man died in Miranda’s arms.  But that wasn’t your fault!  And yes, Miranda now feels that she is “busy with the tape and the glue”  that are holding her fragile life together.  So, Sweet, Perfect, Ben seems like “too much for her right now.” 

 But, does it REALLY need to be SO HARD?  Does the breakup need to feel so permanent?  After all, glue dries.  Tape peels.  And relationships .  . . well . . . sometimes . . . they heal just not when one of the involved parties has already signed on to work on yet another Shondra Rhimes Medical Drama.

Gas Man, you will certainly be missed.  And maybe, just maybe, we will find it in our hearts to check you out on that OTHER show, which shall remain nameless.  But, for right now, at least, I can’t do that.  Call me, Dark and Twisty if you want, but I’m still a little bitter . . . 

I guess my glue just hasn’t dried yet.

Well, there you have it folks — Grey’s Anatomy Season 7 is officially upon us.  Are you as psyched as I am?

[www.juliekushner.com]

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I Think I Am Going To Need Therapy After Watching This Episode . . . My RANT about the Grey’s Anatomy Season Finale “Sanctuary / Death and all of His Friends”

[WARNING:  This is going to be a kind of mean, and VERY angry, post about the Season Finale of Grey’s Anatomy.  So, if you LOVED this episode, then what I’m about to say is just going to make YOU very angry.  And YOU will be very tempted, to leave mean comments here — comments that will make ME very sad . . .

 . . . Plus, I’ll probaby delete them.  But, of course, we are BOTH entitled to our opinions.  So, if you were a big fan of the finale, you might want to stay away from this post, for both of our sakes.  But, before you go, let me just say that, for six seasons, I have truly LOVED Grey’s Anatomy, which is why this episode hurt my heart so very much.]

OK . . . here goes nothing . . .

You know how people always talk about BIG TWISTS and DEATHS during SEASON FINALES of popular programs that air during MAY SWEEPS?  Then, you probably also know that, whenever fans of a show engage in such discussions, there is always someone who jokes that, “Haha, I think X is going to come by and SHOOT THE ENTIRE CAST!” 

They aren’t really SERIOUS, when they say this, of course.  Because no show would ever SHOOT THE ENTIRE CAST, right?  That would just put the whole show in jeopardy, wouldn’t it?

Ummmm . . . yeah .  . . they basically did that on tonight’s two-hour long Grey’s Anatomy episode entitled “Sanctuary / Death and all his Friends”. . .    or, as I like to call it, “We’d really enjoy making our fans miserable for two hours, in order to gain ratings and publicity.”

She LOOKS so nice and SWEET.  I just don’t understand . . .

I don’t think I’ve ever been so TORTURED by a television show or movie in my entire life.  And I’m someone who ACTUALLY LIKES slasher films! 

I LOVE the Scream series . . . well, at least the first one . . . and parts of the third . . . and the beginning of the second.

 I’m really torn between being impressed by how truly shocking and upsetting this episode was . . .

 (The entire cast did an amazing job tonight, with some very difficult scenes.  There truly wasn’t a weak performance in the bunch.  This is one of the few NICE things I’m going to say here.  So enjoy it while it lasts.) 

 . . . and REALLY INFURIATED at the writers for seemingly DESPISING the show’s fans enough to put them through this!  (I think I’m going to go with INFURIATED, thank you very much!) 

That was me, after the episode ended.  A rabid racoon . . .

 Just to give you an idea of how plagued with terror and misery this episode truly was . . .

 (It had more blood, gore and torture in it than SAW, or Hostel.)

 . . . here’s just a brief list of some of the things that occured.  SPOILERS if you haven’t seen this, OBVIOUSLY!  (And if you care about your heart at all, maybe you shouldn’t watch it . . .)

Gary Clark  . . .

makes Freddy Krueger . . . .

 

look like Betty White . . .

(1) Dr. Reed got shot in the head and DIED!

(2) Dr. Percy got shot in the stomach (Or was it his back?  I couldn’t tell, because I was watching through my fingers, while shaking and crying hysterically).  Anyway, he bled disgustingly and painfully for two hours, until, ultimately, he suffered a seemingly never-ending, and agonizing death.   (Oh, and I think this was the MOST lines this guy has ever had on this show, since he started here, about a season ago . . . Figures, right?)

 During that time, he continually told Bailey . . .

 and Mandy Moore  . . .

(She was a guest star in this episode.  She did a great job.  This clearly isn’t her fault!)

 . . . to tell Reed he loved her, because he never got to tell her himself, before he died.  But .  . . um . . . Percy?  You’re going to see her WAY SOONER than Bailey and Mandy Moore.  Because, congratulations, she’s dead, just like you!

(3) Derek  . . .

was SHOT in the chest, right in the center of the hospital.  (You know, right near that HUGE OPEN WINDOW . . . where the SWAT TEAM, or the HELICOPTER, could have easily taken out the SHOOTER?)

 Then Cristina . . .

 .  . . and Dr. “Hotness” Avery . . .

(One of the few bright points of this episode was that he saved the day!  And he actually had a decent amount of lines, for a change.)

 . . . operated on him.  Then the CRAZY LUNATIC SHOOTER held a gun to everyone’s head and told them to stop operating.  So, they stopped, and the monitor flatlines, and Meredith . . .

(Why have I chosen to show her in a wedding dress, you ask?  You see, I’m trying in vain to cheer myself up after this insanely upsetting episode!)

 . . . who’s in the room at the time, cries hysterically and screams bloody murder.  Because, after all, it WOULD HAVE BEEN BLOODY MURDER!  But ultimately we find out, they were only fooling (haha – April Fools!  Seriously?  Was that really necessary?)  They finish the operation, and he survives.

(4) About 10 random people we don’t know get shot and die.  Some of them bleed disgustingly on camera.

(5) Meredith finds out she is pregnant at the beginning of the episode, and is (surprisingly, especially for her) really happy about it . . .

 But then she miscarries from stress, while operating on Owen. (We’ll get to him later).   Unfortunately, or fortunately, depending on how you look at it, she never gets to tell Derek about the pregnancy.

(6) Both  Alex . . .

(There I go, trying to cheer myself up, again . . .)

 and Owen (who was in the ARMY, and, you would think, would be a bit better at handling TRAUMA situations, like this one, but Noooooo . . .) . . .

 .  . . get shot, and bleed disgustingly, but don’t die.

(7) Bailey gets dragged out from underneath a bed and ALMOST gets shot, but doesn’t, because she tells the shooter she’s a nurse.  Don’t ask.  Speaking of Bailey, where the HECK was her boyfriend during this episode? 

Maybe he was hanging out with that useless swat team for two hours . . .

(Remove the “S” in their name and replace it with a “T,” because that’s about how effective they were at protecting our beloved characters)

( 8 ) Lexie . . .

 . . . almost gets shot, but the Keystone SWAT team get to the shooter first.  They only barely wound him, of course.  And he gets to walk around killing people for another hour, while the T SWAT Team scratches its ONE collective brain, and wonders where he went.  But, hey, he didn’t shoot Lexie!

(9) April . . .

 . . . almost gets shot, but she starts babbling about her personal life to the Killer.  So, he decides to let her go.  (I loved how this Killer got to be sensitive and emotional, when it was convenient for the plot, and cold-blooded, nuts, and Supernaturally EVIL, when it wasn’t.  When Derek told him, “You seem like a good man,” I would have actually laughed my ass off, if the whole thing wasn’t so incredibly disturbing and sad.)

(10) Christina almost gets shot like 5 times during the episode!

(11) Meredith ASKS to be shot, to save Derek, but the shooter leaves when he thinks Derek is dead.

(12)  Old Chief Webber . . .

 . . . who’s outside of the hospital when the episode begins, goes in and CONFRONTS the killer (Note: Those 20 or so idiot cops still haven’t found this guy, since the last time they barely wounded him.  Webber finds him IMMEDIATELY, no problem!)  Killer is GOING to shoot Chief, but only has one bullet left, and FINALLY shoots himself, which we all wish he did before this episode aired, to put us out of our misery.  Oh, but Chief DOESN’T fall off the wagon, even after Killer RANDOMLY offers him a flask. 

 Ummm, yay?

(13) Arizona and Callie get back together, and FINALLY agree to start a family. . .

 . . . because the writers had to add something good to the two hours, so that their entire fanbase didn’t slit their wrists.  (Not that the writers would care — since they seem to hate us ALL.  They just didn’t want to get sued . . .)

When the promos “spoiled” us fans, informing us, in no uncertain terms, that this episode would have a shooter, we all knew it was going to be that loony tunes, Gary Clark, who lost his wife a few episodes ago.  And we might have even understood him coming after Derek, under the circumstances.  It wouldn’t be JUSTIFIED, mind you.  But it would be MILDLY understandable.  

However, since when does killing 80 people (OK, it wasn’t 80, but it SURE felt like it was), constitute and “eye for an eye?” (Yes, Gary Clark actually used THAT biblical saying as an explanation for his MULTITUDE of murders.  If bibles could cry, they’d be bawling right now . . .)

We’ve seen this guy for two episodes prior to this.  And, given what we saw, his sudden psychopath tendencies, just didn’t make sense to me.  A completely random crazy person, would have been a more realistic option as shooter, in my opinion.  But seeing as this was a ploy for ratings . . . ANYTHING GOES!

Generally, I try to find “the positive” in episodes that I recap, even ones I don’t particularly care for.  But this was just too much!  If I didn’t care so much about these characters, having watched them grow and change over six seasons, I would stop watching this show, just because of this episode.  The writers were just plain cruel tonight.  And this was completely uncalled for, in my opinion.

Bash me, for saying this if you want, fellow Grey’s fans, but I’m pissed off . . . and, like I said, I might need therapy now.  So, thanks Shondra Rhimes!

But to end this post on a high note, here’s a cute picture of a kitten, to make us all feel better .  . .

See you next season?

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