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Bloody Tricks and Sucky Treats – A Recap of The Vampire Diaries’ “Monster’s Ball”

rawr damon

Happy Post-Halloween, Fangbangers?  Still nursing that pesky Candy Hangover?

eating kat

Are you currently grappling with the naughty things you might have done, while wearing someone else’s face?

shadow self

Perhaps, your just a teensy bit bummed, because this Halloween wasn’t quite as epic, as you hoped it would be?

dear great pumpkin

got a rock

Whatever your current early-Novembery mood,  this recap is sure to . . . not change it at all . . .

soap dish smash

But it will make you feel a bit better about your family and friends, who I assume have never broken your neck multiple times in a single evening, just so your evil doppelganger could hit on his ex-girlfriend . . .

neck breaking

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. . . or stabbed you in the stomach on the day of your family reunion . . .

sad nadia

. . . or fed you to a hungry vampire, encouraged him to drain you entirely of blood, and then seemed slightly disappointed when you didn’t actually die . . .

im a survivor

2 21 everynightisave you but bonnie dies

If you had family and friends like those, a tummy ache and a crappy Halloween would be the least  of your problems . . .

life sucks get a helmet

See?  I bet your life is looking better to you already!

happy elena

Let’s review, shall we?

A Long Time Ago, I Used to Have Friends . . .

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Dear Diary,

After abandoning you for four seasons, and burning you to shreds  back when I lost my humanity, I’ve decided to recycle you as a lame recapping plot device.  Congrats?

Sitting alone beneath the Saddest Tree at Whitmore College, Elena helpfully recaps for us, via Diary-writing Inner Monologue, the “Previously On the Vampire Diaries” sequence that just ended two seconds ago.  I strongly suspect this is because Elena fears that some fans of this show and a few of its writers suffer from extreme short-term memory loss, and can only remember what’s going on with the show at the very minute they are watching it . . .

Wait, did I just type that?  I don’t remember typing that . . .

3 16 dear diary fearisforthewinter

3 16 chipmunk fearisforthewinter

3 16 told him joe fearisfor

3 16 lie will haunt fear is for

In her monologue, Elena suggests that her Diary might be “tired of her talking about Death.”  This statement taught me a number of things I never knew about diaries.  First, apparently, when you burn your diary, its soul and memories get transferred forward to every diary you will ever have in the future.  So, no matter how nice you might be to your current diary, it will always remember you as a book-murdering, death babbling on about, b*tch.  Second, your diary is reading everything you write in it for entertainment value, and silently judges you whenever you don’t deliver.  In short, diaries are Major Asshats.

laughing dan

Speaking of Major Asshats, Elena is being one to Damon by ignoring his calls, while he’s standing right behind her, watching her ignore his calls.  When Damon calls Elena on her crap she calmly explains that she is too busy waxing poetic to a Diary that secretly hates her guts to have sex with a guy that looks like this naked . . .

wet damon 2

Doctor Damon promptly diagnoses his suddenly-frigid girlfriend with “Survivor’s Guilt.” But I think it’s that pesky short term memory loss again.  Elena simply doesn’t remember how awesome sex with Damon was!  Well, Elena, since you were so helpful  in recapping the recap of the show two minutes after it aired, please allow me to return the favor . . .

more sex

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You’re welcome . . .

You see, Elena, sex with hot people is very powerful.  It magically makes you to forget all the bad things about your life and relationships.  Just look at Tyler and Caroline!

post coit

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taroline sex

The writers only let these two see one another about once a season, for conjugal visits.  And yet, all it takes is a few minutes of hot hybrid humping,  and Tyler and Caroline are suddenly convinced that they are the best, most well-adjusted, couple in Mystic Falls (not that they have all that much competition .  . . I mean, Jeremy exclusively dates corpses).

defans jeremy hulk

Maybe if you started dating live women, for a change, you wouldn’t have to keep ruining your shirts out of sexual frustration .  . .

Speaking of corpses, Bonnie is still lurking around town watching, of all things, Elena writing in her diary.  BO-RRRRING!  Maybe, being dead kills your libido.  Because Ghost Me would totally be spending my Eternity-in-Limbo watching the Forwood Sex happening upstairs, or back in Mystic Falls, watching Jeremy bone Oriental Rugs . . .

jer bear pushups

Your DEAD, Bon-Bon.  It’s high time you got your priorities in order . . .

Speaking of attractive people who can’t move on with their lives, check out New Sexy Blonde Guy, who stops by Dead Megan’s memorial daily to leave flowers and attract girls like Elena for whom Damaged Broody Boys with Sinister Secrets are like catnip . . .

sad shaun sipos

Elena visits New Sexy Blonde Guy to get his name and make some innocent conversation.  But he is not buying what she is selling, and blows her off without fanfare.  Well played, New Sexy Blonde Guy!  Elena already has enough Damaged Broody Boys with Sinister Secrets to build her own harem.  Let the rest of us have a chance!

marcia marcia marcia

Elena, Elena, Elena!

Everybody is all a-buzz about the Random Weekly Event / Excuse to Get All the Characters In the Same Place Whitmore Costume Ball, except for the finally Shirtless (Yay!) Cinderella Jesse, whose Evil Step Professor is forcing him to stay strapped to a table and be subject to stupid experiments that only seem to confirm what everybody and their mother already knew about recently-turned vampires . . .

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Let’s see, they . . . are SENSITIVE TO SOUNDS AND SUNLIGHT!

duh told you so

They LIKE BLOOD!

ep 9 obviously stiles

THEIR TEETH GET POINTY BEFORE THEY FEED!

Damon eye roll

As much as I like seeing you half-naked, Jesse, don’t let that douchebag do you dirty like this.  You are a NEW, RAVENOUSLY HUNGRY, EXTREMELY PISSED OFF VAMPIRE, DAMMIT!  Compel the guy into believing he’s a piece of Salisbury Steak, eat his ass, and get out of there!

meat with eyes

Professor Medium-Rare field

Meanwhile, over in a fleabag motel, somewhere in the U.S., Katherine gorges on trans fats, while Nadia breaks the news to her about Silas’ plans for her blood.  It turns out the “Diabolical One” won’t be content with just a stryrofoam cup filled with Katherine’s delicious blood.  He needs ALL OF IT!  (This is true, even though the actual Cure for Vampirism that Katherine drank was only the size of a thimble.)

the kat thank me brought cure

Yikes!  That’s a mighty big meal for a skinny guy!  Ever hear of portion control, PIG?

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At least now we know where Stefan gets his appetite . . . and his super fast metabolism . . .

Damon’s Ridiculous  Stupid   Suicidal   Extremely Dumb   Awful Great Idea

“Hey,” says Damon to Jer Bear, as the two lounge around La Casa de Rich and Awesome because their dead girlfriends won’t or can’t sleep with them.  “I’ve got an awesome idea!  Let’s risk all of our lives, and possibly bring about the Apocalypse, by aligning ourselves with the Sociopathic Mind-Controlling Vampire/Witch Freak, who looks just like my brother, so that we can bring Bonnie back from the dead, and Elena will be ever-so-slightly less miserable and maybe start having sex with me again.”

lightbulb-idea

thinking damon bitemesomerhalder

To which, Jer Bear replies, “NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!  Hey, why not? I was planning on a busy day of doing push-ups and chopping wood half-naked.

jer 1

But this sounds like fun too!  Besides, it’s not as though Damon’s plans ever go horribly wrong . . .”

dead jer 2

Meanwhile, Bonnie is shaking her head in disapproval, thinking to herself, “Why am I sexually attracted to this kid, when he’s clearly a moron?”

team bonnie its delena love

Then, she remembers what he looks like with his shirt off, and decides to keep her mouth shut.

more fondle

So, what’s the grand plan?  Basically it involves everyone going to the Ball (SURPRISE!), so that they can track down Quetsiyah, who will be picking up some sort of Mystical Anchor thingy.  Then, they are going to take that Mystical Anchor thingy and give it to Silas, so that he can drink Katherine’s blood, turn into a mortal witch, and resurrect Bonnie right before he dies.

no no on

P.S. For some inexplicable reason (Comedy for Delena Fans?), this plan involves killing Stefan multiple times, thereby breaking the bond between the two Doppelgangers, and allowing Silas to read / mind control Quetsiyah.

stefan shrug

[OK, Vampire Diaries Mythology Experts, I have two questions for you:  (1) If Silas’ big plan was merely to find out where Quetsiyah was hiding the Mystical Anchor thingy, why didn’t he just have someone else tail her at the party . . . someone who didn’t possess the face shes hated for over 1,000 years?

quet

(2) If Silas could always read / mind control Quetsiyah, before the witch mentally linked him to and subsequently brain-fried his doppelganger (as we saw him do at one point during the episode), why didn’t he simply brainwash her to undo her spell, thereby allowing him to live in the after life with Amara centuries ago?]

brain fried stefan

“Doh!”

Now, that we’re all thoroughly confused, let’s head to the party shall we?

Tonight we’re gonna party like it’s 1492  . . .

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The best part of every TVD themed-dance episode is inevitably the costumes.  And this episode is no exception.  Caroline and Tyler attend the Whitmore Costume Ball as Bonnie and Clyde . . .

bonnie and clyde big

bonnie and clyde

Damon and Elena go as a pre-fat and stinky gout-footed Henry VIII and a pre-beheaded Anne Boleyn, respectively (How romantic?) . . .

halloween

I can barely tell the two apart!

8th couple

Amnesia Stefan attends as Season 3 Ripper Stefan James Dean . . .

3 2 hello brother stefan

james dean

Professor Severus Snape   Dickhead   Maxfield dresses up as Dr. Jekyll.

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(Though without the hat, he kind of just looks like a guy in a suit . . .)

And Hot Sexy Blonde Guy goes as “that one douchebag at every costume party, who thinks he’s too cool to dress up, and therefore, wears a lame shirt with a tuxedo drawn on the front.”

aaron in tux

Meanwhile, at some greasy spoon diner, Nadia and Katherine consume even more trans fats (though neither of these women look as though they’ve ever so much as looked at a french fry, let alone swallowed one).  While they munch, Nadia interrogates Katherine about her dark past of female friend betrayal, before admitting to her that Katherine had sold out and gotten her mother killed.  And, because of this, Nadia turned herself into a vampire, so that she could better follow her around for 500 years, without . . . you know . . . getting old and dying and stuff. . .

nadia

“Really, I just did it because I knew, if I stopped looking like this, it would be much more difficult for me to have threesomes with random people I ran into while traveling through Europe.”

(What is it about Katherine that possesses people to spend their entire eternity doing a REALLY, REALLY bad job of finding her?  Damon did it for 150 years .  . . Klaus and this chick . . . for 500.  As someone who, as a child, couldn’t play Hide-in-go-Seek for more than two rounds without getting bored and going back in the house to play video games, I’m intrigued . . .)

Convinced the foreign vampire chick is trying to kill her, Katherine stakes Nadia in the heart, knowing full well that this will not kill her, because her heart is all greased up from all the fatty foods they just consumed.   (Huh?  Is that an actual thing?  Does this mean that fat, unhealthy, high cholesterol having vampires are more immortal than other vampires?)

ep 5 more oral fixation stiles tyler

It turns out Katherine knows that Nadia was lying about her story, since, after the first few months or so, even Klaus’ inept minions weren’t stupid enough to mistake another woman for Katherine.  It is then that Nadia admits the truth, Katherine killed her mother, not by turning her in to Katherine’s minions, but by hanging herself in a cave and turning vamp.   You see, Nadia is Katherine’s daughter, the one who was taken away from Katherine because she had it out of wedlock, shortly before Klaus killed her entire family and hunted her down . ..

katherine

Awww, how touching!  A mother – daughter reunion.  Katherine and Nadia would have totally tearfully hugged, were it not for the 6-inch steak sticking out of Nadia’s heart.

first stabbing

I wonder if Hallmark sells a Mother’s Day Card that says, “I love you, even though you pretty much ruined my life, and traumatized me for all eternity.”

If they don’t yet, they totally should . . .

Like Lambs to Slaughter . . .

Ever a glutton for punishment, Amnesia Stefan decides to hit on, of all people, the chick who fried his brains, Quetsiyah.  (Stefan’s always been a sucker for women who make him act stupid . . .)

stefan shrug

Damon gallantly rescues his brother from possible future heartbreak, by breaking his neck instead  . . .

(There should be a Hallmark card for that too.)

While Stefan is snoozing away in the foyer, Silas is working his magic on Quetsiyah.  He quickly learns that Quetsiyah doesn’t know where the Mystic Anchor is, because Nadia and the Travelers hid it (it’s clearly inside Matt, and can only be extracted using the knife Gregor is hiding in his house).  So, she’s using a locket of hers that miraculously made its way to one of the display cases at the party to perform a locator spell.

witchy

Poor Baby Silas gets a headache, every time Stefan starts to wake up from being dead.

stefan crying gif

So, Damon gladly provides his new friend with virtual Aspirin, by killing his brother every four to six hours minutes, as directed.  (Talk about whacked priorities.  Then again, this is the guy who is risking the lives of the entire town to bring back from the dead a girl he never seemed to like all that much, whose death he failed to notice for over four months. . . )

damon dont judge

Elsewhere at the ball, Caroline would very much like to have Kinky Handcuff Sex with Tyler.  But he turns her down, because he has to pack and be in New Orleans by Tuesday, 8 p.m. / 7 p.m Central to guest star on The Originals  . . .

originals poster

It turns out Tyler is still a bit sore at Klaus for making the younger hybrid temporarily gay for him, mind controlling him to almost kill his girlfriend, and then actually killing his mother and hybrid buddies.  He wants revenge, even though the kind of revenge he can get is pretty darn limited considering that killing Klaus will result in Tyler’s death, as well as the death of basically every character in the entire CW franchise, due to that whole “bloodline” thing . . .

tyler points

Caroline goes all Taylor Swift on Tyler, telling him that if he walks out on her now, they are “Never, Ever, Ever Getting Back Together (No, not ever.).”

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And then he leaves  . . .  again . . . for the 465th time.

Elena sees New Sexy Blonde Guy looking sad by the punch bowl and compels him into telling her his name (Aaron) and sob story (“Everyone I love dies.”)

everyone die

cant feel

Awwww, how sweet!  It looks like Elena has found herself a Kindred Spirit Grim Reaper.  Watch out coeds of Whitmore College!  With these two allied together, it’s highly unlikely any of you will live long enough to ever don a cap and gown .  . .

grim reapers at CVS

Speaking of people I wouldn’t trust my life with, Elena shares a creepy, highly inappropriate dance, with Professor-I-Like-to-Torture-My-Students-For-Fun-And-Call-It-Research kind of like the toady looking teacher who always wore pink in Book 5 of the Harry Potter series Maxfield.  During the dance, the Professor tells Elena that he thinks a vampire killed Megan . . .

surprised-face

(“You mean to tell me a vampire killed someone on a Vampire Show?  LUDICROUS!”)

He also warns Elena that people are on to her true identity, and she should leave school ASAP, before they find her . . . bad people . . . the kind of people who strap their hot teaching assistants down to operating tables and perform stupid, but highly painful, experiments on them to prove things they already know . . .

OOPS, did I say that?

wes max

P.S. Professor Maxfield has some kind of familial relationship with Hot Grim Reaper Aaron . . .  you know, because if a character on this show has the same hair color as another character on this show they are almost always relatives of one another  . . .

Hey Matt, you are blonde and seem low on family members?   How’d you like to inherit a douchey professor dad, and dour collegiate fraternal twin brother?

3 1 high matt tbtvdgifs

And Now, for the Grand Finale . . .

Stefan awakens once again, but fakes death long enough to catch Damon off guard and snap his neck for a change.  Brothers are the best, aren’t they?

brother to brother salvatores 1864 love

Then, he rushes to tell Quetsiyah that she’s been hitting on the wrong Paul Wesley look-alike.  Quetsiyah responds by sticking her hand in Silas’ chest and squeezing his heart like its a stress ball, until his body dries out.

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(Wait?  I thought only vampires and people from the show Once Upon a Time could do that?  Apparently, witches can too?  Do not try this at home, practicers of Wicca!)

rebekah heart

open heart surgery

Once Damon wakes up from being dead, he dutifully carries his new pal, ash-hearted Silas home to La Casa de Rich and Awesome to wait out his temporary death on the couch like everyone else on this show does.  (They should really consider getting that leather cleaned.)

The Casting Couch

Elena comes home and seems less than bothered by the fact that a creepy Stefan lookalike is rotting on the couch where she and Damon sometimes screw.  She’s even less bothered when Damon casually invites Katherine over and haphazardly feeds her to Silas.  The two watch vacant-eyed and expressionless as the woman Damon once loved for 150 year, who looks just like Elena, has the life drained out of her by Stefan’s Evil Twin.

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It is weird and highly unsettling.  But maybe their humanity switches were on the fritz.  It’s happened before.

turn it off

stone faced elena

Besides, it’s for a good cause!  Elena’s pet Bonnie is dead.  And everyone who’s ever seen the movie Pet Cemetery knows that bringing your pets back to life at all costs is always, always a good idea . . .

cat scary

Then, Katherine wakes up from the dead and wonders, quite logically, if she’s in Hell.

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Worse, honey .  . . you’re in Mystic Falls . . .

Until next week, Fangbangers!

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Filed under The Vampire Diaries

Somebody That I Used To Know . . . – A Recap of The Vampire Diaries’ “For Whom the Bell Tolls”

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Greetings, Fangbangers!  It’s Remembrance Day over in Mystic Falls, which is convenient, considering that most of our Scooby Gang begin the episode empty-headed, clueless, and in need of some serious shots of Ginkgo-Baloba . . .

the headache filthy pirate hook

brain fried stefan

make me forget spidey

Let’s see we’ve got Stefan, who has “mysteriously” lost his memory, and suddenly finds himself under the delusion that he is the “fun brother,” who “gets the girl.”  WRONG and WRONG-ER . . .

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Matt sets up cameras all around the house, because he can’t, for the life of him, figure out why he loses time daily, and has developed a sudden fascination for ancient weapons, Russian vodka, and speaking in the voice of a cartoon super villain . . .

you killed me

Elena truly believes that the best way to bring Stefan’s memory back is to remind him what a noble minded doormat he used to be, and how much his life currently sucks . . .

delena sex big

carry on

Bonnie very nearly succeeds in hiding her death by using the very same excuse my parents told me when I was two and my cat died, “She’s just on a really, REALLY, REALLY long vacation.”  (Then, she gets hypnotized by Jeremy’s abdominals into coming out of the closet as The Dead Chick.)

omg dead

New guy, Jesse thinks there’s absolutely nothing weird about his professor instructing him to disrobe for a routine medical examination during “office hours.”  (Not that any of us are complaining . . .)

confused jesse

In short, 99.99% of the characters on this show are kind of dumb.

my idiots

But that’s why we love them.

happy elena hugging damon color

Let’s review, shall we?

Highway to Hell-o

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Nothing says epic eternal bromance like an emo diary reading followed immediately by a massive car crash, while driving down a highway at midnight at 120 miles per hour . . .

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“Don’t worry about the car.  You can always compel yourself another one.”

I’d like to think that Damon’s decision to literally kill himself and Stefan was a slightly misguided scientific experiment based on the hypothesis that throwing his brother from a flaming automobile and banging his head into the pavement would physically snap the sense back into him . . .

never too late to die too

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But if we’re being completely honest, I just think Damon was getting back at Stefan for referring to him as “the safe brother,” as opposed to “the fun one.”

no no on

Apparently, the elder (clearly more fun) Salvatore brother has never heard the age old saying, “kerosene and hot metal may incinerate my bones, but names will never hurt me . . .

damon soulful crying

Ultimately, the two blood-sucking-brothers walk away from their fatal car accident with nary a scratch on either of their delicately chiseled faces.  Unfortunately, Stefan remains as forgetful as ever  .  . .

stefan shrug

Body of Evidence

Well, hello there, Steve McQueen’s abs!  We haven’t seen YOU in a few episodes . . .

jer bear pushups

I’ve never in my life been so jealous of an Oriental Rug . . .

“Well, don’t stop on my account,” demures Dead Bonnie, as she leers appreciatively at the unique bulge in her boyfriend’s pants that only seems to appear when he humps the floor mats of La Casa de Rich and Awesome.  (Hey, when you’re girlfriend’s a ghost who can’t touch you, you gotta get your kicks where you can, am I right?)

defans jeremy hulk

Jer Bear thinks that it’s high time the World’s Laziest Poltergeist (Seriously, girl is a “Powerful Witch,” whose been dead for months, and she hasn’t moved so much as a salt shaker!) come clean to her pals about the whole “dying thing.”  Bonnie concedes that the fact that she hasn’t answered any of the three-hundred e-mails Matt has sent her does make her seem like kind of a b*tch.  It also makes Matt seem like a major loser.  Get a hobby, Man!  Maybe that freaky dude that inhabits your body sometimes can help you out in that regard.  And death would at least give her a decent excuse for being such a crap friend . . .

2 21 bonnie bamff rouxx

Plus, TVD hasn’t had a funeral since last week.  They are LONG overdue!

Hex, Lies and Videotape

I suspect that Matt always dreamed that the first time he rigged video cameras up all around his house it would be to film a hot sex tape with Rebekah . . . or Caroline . . . or Elena, or any of the other girls who have unceremoniously dumped him before he got the chance to make YouTube history . . .

matt car breakdown

Instead, he’s doing it to catch in the act the foreign dude who occasionally hijacks his face to make out with hot chicks, dig up dead bodies, and generally just have a lot more fun than Real Matt ever gets to have on this show . . .

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And the cheese stands alone . . .

I have to admit, this one surprised me.  I was totally expecting Igor Von Bad Guy or whatever Matt’s “passenger’s” name is to cut the feeds on the video cameras, so Matt would be kept in the dark about his identity for at least a few more weeks.  Instead, he cavalierly sneers at the camera, and chats with Matt, while cutting the hand they both occasionally share.  More importantly, he warns him to protect that honestly-sort-of-lame looking pocket knife with the ridiculously dull blade that Matt always seems to find on hand whenever he wakes up from a vacation in Eastern European Supervillanea . . .

gregor

“Say hello to my little hand . . .”

Hey Igor Von Bad Guy, if you really want to protect your weapon, you might want to try putting it in a safe deposit box or something.  Because hiding it with the lamebrained bartender who regularly forgets where he parked his motor vehicle in the five-car parking lot of the Only Bar / Social Establishment in Mystic Falls is a surefire recipe for disaster . . .

3 1 high matt tbtvdgifs

Fight for your right to potty . . .

Speaking of the Only Bar / Social Establishment in Mystic Falls, that’s where Damon has taken Stefan on the next stop of his Misty Water-colored Memory Tour . . .

all alone drink

I guess I’d need a few of tequila shots in my system too, after I’d just been reminded about “that one time when I ate my dad,” and “those 5,462 times I ate other people.”

beating up stefan

Since we are on the subject of nameless, faceless, human blood bags, whose hungry for some Tasty Waitress?

freaking hungry

After slyly telling a recently-arrived Elena that he doesn’t remember her name, Stefan deftly excuses himself to follow Nameless Waitress into the restroom.  Come on, Stefan!  Hasn’t anyone told you you should poop where you eat . . . or eat where other people poop . . . or . . . well, you get the idea.

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Stefan’s Sexy Murder Monologue to the Compelled Waitress, made moments before he started chomping down on her neck like it was a piece of beef jerky reminded me of that OTHER time Stefan patiently psychoanalyzed himself before sinking his teeth into a damsel in distress.  Remember Miss Mystic Falls, ladies and gents?

Amnesia!Stefan may not remember his history right now, but he sure does seem doomed to repeat it . . .

3 13 burning stefan montagues

Let’s face it.   No one really wants to meet their demise in a dingy public restroom.  And so Nameless Waitress has Damon Salvatore to thank for swooping in and preventing his little bro from finishing his Happy Meal.

3 2 hello brother damon

The Salvatores wisely decide its time for a location change . . .

nodding oh yeah

. . . and then stupidly decide to go to the cemetery, where an entire town of human blood bags just so happens to be camped out for the night . . .

Damon eye roll

It’s like bringing an obese man to Baskin Robbins, and thinking it will help him stay on his diet . . .

Thanks for the Memories, (B*tch)!

Having never exactly considered myself to be a small-town girl, I’ve always thought the majority of Mystic Falls’ “town social events” kind of lame.  I mean, Founder’s Day . . . snooze, Gone with the Wind screening . . . boring, Wickery Bridge Restoration Fundraiser . . . zzzzz.

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It’s a good thing massive amounts of people always tend to die during these events, otherwise they’d be a total waste of time . . .

happy elena

“Yay, senseless death!”

That said, I must admit that I could 100 percent get behind the idea of Remembrance Day . . . tying corpses hands to strings with bells on them, just in case they happen to have been mistakenly buried alive?  Staying up all night getting drunk in a cemetery, while reminiscing about the past?  AWESOME!

ian says awesome

Unfortunately, Stefan’s on a diet.  So, he has to spend the evening locked away in a tomb with his countless dead relatives and former friends, most of whom, either he or his brother killed . . .

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While watching Damon and Stefan compare notes and rack up points for each family member they’ve eaten was amusing, a night of Amnesia Stefan sitting by himself in a tomb full of corpses would have been a lame way to spend Remembrance Day.  Fortunately, Elena pops up just in time to cocktease Amnesia!Stefan right back into Ripperdom . .  .  You go,  girl!

dancing elena

Things start out innocently enough. Elena takes Stefan back to Mystic Falls High School (You know that place they pretended to attend for four years, but only actually entered about once a year for those inevitably fatal Decade Dances?), where she forces him to recreate the moment when they first met by drowning in a river, and letting him save her, while systematically allowing both of her parents to die painful watery deaths bumping into her repeatedly outside the restroom.  (There were a suspicious amount of bathroom references in this episode . . .).

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where we collided

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Then, she takes him to the rooftop of the school, which actually has no past plot significance that I can remember, but I guess is a good a place as any to stare demurely into her formerly lovers eyes long enough for him to fall in love with her again, only so that she can inevitably rip his heart out, when she tells him (a) she’s just not that into him anymore; and (b) she’s boning his bro on a regular basis . . . AND LOVING IT.

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“Look at me, pretending to be a bird.  Aren’t I adorable?”

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That revelation comes at the third stop of the Stelena Memory Lane Tour, which, not surprisingly, is the top of Wickery Bridge.  After casually explaining to Stefan how he once saved her life on Wickory Bridge, and once let her die, thereby causing her to become a vampire, Elena leans her face just a bit too closely into Stefan’s face and waits patiently to drop a bomb on his ass  . . .

touched your face

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Now, Stefan may be amnesiatic, but he’s still a dude.  And dudes know a sexual overture, when they see one.  This time, he’s going to get to bite the girl, and she’s going to like it, dammit . . .

freaking hungry

 . . . for sex . . . even though I don’t remember ever having any . . .”

Suave Stefan sweet talks his ex girlfriend a bit, telling her how her sex appeal seems to have miraculously sated his hunger . . . at least the hunger in his mouth . . .  Then, he goes in for a taste of his cure.

stelena

“I’m with Damon,” Elena warns preemptively . . .

strangle balloon

deflated balloon

blue balls

Do not pass Go.  Do not collect $200.  Because Stefan Salvatore, you have just been DE-NIED . . . again . . .

beating up stefan

Apparently, the fact that Stefan woke up to the sight of Damon and Elena making out, and they slept in the same bed together, wasn’t a big enough tip to Stefan that these two were boning on a regular basis.  Does having amnesia take away IQ points?

got the girl

Feeling betrayed all over again by his brother and former lover, and hoodwinked by Elena’s ill-advised, poorly timed flirt fest, Amnesia!Stefan does what most of us do, when we’ve just been dumped and are feeling unattractive and unloved . . . he turns to food . . .

2 22 bloody stefan

“Eating my feelings.”

Happy Hunting, Amnesia!Sort-of RipperStefan!

Because Caroline’s Dates Make for the Best Chew Toys!

The best way to get over someone, is to get under someone else . . .

sex girl boy

This is predominately Caroline’s reasoning, when she invites new college coed Sex G-d Jesse to “study biology and one another’s body parts” at Mystic Falls Weekly Human Murder Party, where unimportant characters are mercilessly offed to up the series’ body count Remembrance Day Festivities.

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As an added bonus, Jesse is “very close” with this season’s Creepy, But Vaguely Attractive Professor, Who is Possibly/Probably Up to No Good Alaric Saltzman . . . Professor Shane . . . Severus Snape . . . Professor Maxfield.  This means that, if Jesse is lucky enough to live past five episodes of this series, Caroline can ply the stud for important information, WHILE getting under him / over Tyler . .

3 2 caroline not prost - honorinrevenge

Things get off to a pretty decent start, in that regard, with Caroline and Hunky Pawn sharing a chaste kiss in the forest, while quizzing one another on biology terms.

about caroline 2

Then, comes Stefan, a.k.a Mr. Can’t Eat Just One, and things start to go to crap pretty quickly . . .

hotter in person

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At first Amnesia!Stefan is cordial, if a bit sexually aggressive, telling Caroline that she looks hotter in person than in her pictures.  (Notice how he immediately remembers Caroline’s name, but not Elena’s . . .interesting.)

steroline 1

Then, Stefan introduces Jesse to Mystic Falls by offering to treat his neck like a chicken wing.  Caroline, who has always been the group’s Miss Fix It, deftly compels her boy toy into hiding, and politely offers Stefan access to her secret blood bag stash.  But by the time she turns around to show him the way, Sir Sucks A lot is already gone . . .

you suck laurrrrde

Poor Jesse.  It turns out, while the college scholar is an expert at cracking biological equations, and kissing blondes, his Hide and Go Seek skills leave much to be desired.  Stefan has magically appeared and begun sucking him dry before the “special guest star” can say “Olly, olly oxen free.”

stefan shrug

Fortunately, Caroline arrives just in time to save the day.  (For the writers to kill off a character that looks like Jesse, before fans ever get the chance to see him without his shirt would truly be a travesty of justice.)  With a chomp on her wrist, and a few carefully placed words to Stefan, Caroline manages to rescue her prospective boyfriend from death, and talk her likely future friend-with-benefits off the ledge of Ripperdom, in a matter of mere seconds.

3 3 caroline petrovadiaries

After returning to La Casa de Rich and Awesome, and burning all of his lame-ass journals (it’s about time!) . . .

3 16 jonesy stefan salvatoresummers

3 16 dear diary fearisforthewinter

. . . Stefan decides to leave the Haven of Personal Misery in favor of greener pastures.  However, he agrees to check in with Caroline regularly as his unofficial sponsor for Bloodaholics anonymous, because SHE’S the only person he now truly trusts . . .

As for Jesse, he gets to live at least long enough to probably strip for us in a future episode . . . HOORAY!

stripping jess

Loom Awkwardly Over Your Castmates in Peace, Bonnie Bennett . . .

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In other news, Jeremy finally delivered to the Scooby Gang the Newsflash of Bonnie’s death . . .

3 12 bonnie family plot

(In other late breaking news . . . this just in . . . Barak Obama was re-elected President of the United States!)

Responses among the group were understandably sad, and possibly a bit guilty.  Because I think most of us would like to think that if our supposed best friend croaked, it would take us less than a half a year to figure it out .  . .

soap dish smash

When Jeremy told Damon the news, he begged his unofficial bro-in-law to take it back, under the assumption that if it was never talked about it wouldn’t be true.  (Funny, that’s kind of the logic Bonnie used for keeping this  need-to-know information from her friends in the first place.)

bonnies dead

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Then, Jeremy and Damon emotionally hugged it out.  And I forgot how weird and awkward the beginning of the scene was, because the end was so poignantly beautiful.

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Matt’s reaction was a bit more muted, but equally devastating.  And Elena, well . . . she was just upset that she burned all her funeral clothes when she torched her house, and wouldn’t be able to “Peace Out,” Bonnie in style . . .

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Just kidding . . . Elena was inconsolable for the obvious reasons, of course.  And also because it is becoming more and more obvious that having a familial or friendship relationship with Elena Gilbert is basically the equivalent to being diagnosed with in inoperable brain tumor.  You know, eventually, you are going to go.  It’s only a matter of time . . .

everyone die

We didn’t get to see the moment when Caroline found out about Bonnie’s death.  But her quiet moment of saddened reflection, coupled with amnesia Stefan’s comforting her and offering being there for her in the best way he could, despite currently having no memory at all of the deceased, was fitting for her character, who began the show as the character who required the most coddling, and has slowly but surely evolved into its emotional rock . . .

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I’ll admit I got a bit teary at Bonnie’s funeral, despite the fact that Bonnie Bennett has always been the most problematically written character on the show, and perhaps, a bit because of it . .  .

team bonnie its delena love

Funerals have always been more about the survivors grieving, obtaining peace, and ultimately moving on from the loss, to whatever extent possible, than about the decedents themselves.  And, in that sense, Bonnie’s funeral was oddly touching.  It was sweet and humane to see Bonnie offering through Jeremy words of encouragement to each of her surviving friends, even if the words themselves were kind of trite and mundane.  (“I wasn’t really mad at you.”  “Things will get better.”  “Have fun at college.”)  It’s the way I think most of us would like to treat our loved ones, if we got the chance to comfort them after our deaths, and vice versa.

been there the whole time

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On the other hand, as a memorial for Bonnie’s “life,” the Bennett funeral left a bit to be desired.  Pom-poms?  A Whistle (because her and Matt were lifeguards for one episode)?, Feathers (in honor of the super lame trick Bonnie did for Elena to prove that she was a witch)? And a Spell Book?

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pompom

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These were the talismans of a life lived on screen for nearly five seasons?  Couple that with the fact that not one surviving character was seen giving an emotional eulogy in Bonnie’s honor, apart from Jeremy himself (and even he needed Bonnie’s help to get out the words), and you’ve got yourself a pretty sorry goodbye party for a character that’s kind of already been forgotten, and yet isn’t entirely gone . . .

2 22 bloody nose bonnie

Compare this to one of the most beautiful, touching, heart-wrenching, aptly-tributary-to-the-life-of-the-character, not-quite-funerals in TVD history, and you’ll see a clear difference . . .

Heck, even ne’er-do-well, Worst-Dad-Ever, Uncle Father John got a better send off than Bonnie!

And then there was the part where everyone kind of ditched the funeral to celebrate Tyler finally coming back.

tyler returns

3 4 forwood txgirl0302

Life goes on, indeed.  Nice knowing ya, Bon-Bon!

Because that’s what this show needs . . . MORE vampires . . .

If Caroline’s romantic reunion with Tyler had you worried that boy toy Jesse wouldn’t be long for this world,  you were both right and wrong . . .

eye roll car

We find him on his Professor’s examination table in the final scene of the hour, almost, but not quite, shirtless . . . we’re getting closer . . .

It turns out, Jesse’s having “blacked out” the night before has him concerned about his health.  Having quickly surmised that Jesse had vampire blood in his system, Professor Severus Snape Maxfield instructs Jesse not to worry about his health.  He’ll be just fine! . . . Annnnnd then he kills him.

stab

You gotta love college . . .

Next week on TVD, the gang remembers that pesky Silas problem they’ve been dealing with the past few episodes . . .

Until then, Fangbangers!

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The Hunted – A Review of The Vampire Diaries’ Season 5 Premiere, “I Know What You Did Last Summer”

better i know what you

Welcome back, Fangbangers!  It appears we have a lot of catching up to do . . .

long summer damon

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So, tell me, how did you spend YOUR summer?  Did you travel to far off places?

traveling kat

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Meet some new and interesting people?

girls making out

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Get healthy by starting a new . . . um . . . workout routine?

delena sex wow

delena sexing

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Change up your look a bit?

matt possessed by maenad

Black eyes are the new orange . . .

Perhaps, you just spent the summer relaxing by the pool?

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To be honest, it’s been so long, I’m just hoping that none of you DIED, and are merely carrying on the facade of living to spare my feelings.  (Please let me know if you are.)

omg dead

Regardless of what . . . or who . . . you were doing this summer, sometimes it’s just nice to return home and connect with old friends.

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This week’s TVD Season Premiere saw most of our favorite Mystic Fallians heading into uncharted waters . . . sometimes literally.

drowning stef

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For Caroline and Elena, this meant going from vampires at the top of their high school food chain, to freshmen in college, who can’t attend frat parties, because no one will invite them in . . .

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For Damon, this meant staying home and having to babysit unruly humans, while his girlfriend was off having fun, and his brother was .  . . taking a really long bath.

nothing to worry

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For Stefan, this meant interminable and repeated death by drowning . . . all while suffering from the knowledge that his brother and former lover were boning, and his shadow self was off wreaking havoc on Mystic Falls, while wearing his face . . .

beating up stefan

Katherine was forced to relearn the ignominy of running in high heels, and seducing men with her hot body and sexy smoker’s voice, as opposed to merely compelling them to like her like she used to do . . .

god you are hot fyeah katerina and damon

Matt had to endure .   . .  whatever the f*&k happened to him at the end of the episode . . .

poor matt sassquatch 24

And Bonnie had to remain virtually ignored and invisible, while all her friends were out having storylines of their own, barely acknowledging her existence . . .  which, if you think about it, is not too different from what Bonnie does every season.

3 12 bonnie klaus knew youd catch me

In a show where more than 3/4’s of the characters are supernatural, there tends to be a lot of focus on predators and hunters, those with the power to feed on the weak and innocent.  But, at least at the start of Season 5, our Scooby Gang is feeling a lot more vulnerable and unprepared than usual.  They are the prey . . . the hunted.

2 11 run bonnie

Let’s review, shall we?

happy elena

Summertime Blues

Poor Stefan and Bonnie!  All their friends have been so busy having sex with one another, that nobody seemed to notice that they both “died.”

stefan crying gif

That’s the trouble with being a broody loner, Stefan Salvatore.  When you fall off the face of the Earth, everybody just assumes that you need “space,” and not that your evil doppelganger buried you in an underwater tomb for all eternity . . .

elena free stefan

As for Bonnie, her situation is arguably even more pathetic than Stefan’s.  By following said friends and family around unseen, while engaging them in one-sided conversations in which they will never take part, and shouting at them unheard, Bonnie has taken her usual sidekick status to a whole new level:  She’s become a TVD viewer .  . .  a fangirl!  The writers might as well put her on a couch, in front of a flat screen, for all her plot significance.

bonnie not included

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Those of you who have lost someone special in your life, can probably relate to the belief that that person is up in Heaven somewhere looking down on you, doing his or her best to protect you and keep you safe.

always look after you faery in wonderland day after that

And yet, you kind of hope they aren’t watching you ALL the time, right?

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I mean, I don’t know how you picture YOUR Heaven.  But in my version, there’s a lot more to do there than simply watch the television channel tuned in to Your Loved Ones broadcast network.  My Heaven is happening place.  The people there party, socialize, and engage in hobbies.  They have LIVES in death.

heard party

So, as much as I think it’s “swell” that Bonnie is spending her ghost moments making sure her friends are happy, and aren’t missing her too much, I also think the writers have painted themselves into a bit of a corner with the character.  They need to either write her a storyline that puts her ghostly tendencies to good use, or write her out of the show.

burning bonnie

Because, honestly, if I wanted to watch someone scream at Damon and Elena completely unnoticed, I’d just put a camera on myself . . .

*gingerly steps off soapbox*

In happier news . . .

Hot Fun in the Summertime

Last season’s TVD finale marked the blossoming of two (sort of) new romantic relationships.  After an entire season characterized pesky sire bond concerns, humanity switches in the off position, arguments about Silas and The Cure, and crippling cases of Survivors Guilt, Damon and Elena FINALLY declared their love for one another the night after Elena’s graduation from high school.

kissing delena

As for Matt and Rebekah, their courtship was much less complicated: a few longing looks, and sexually suggestive comments, culminating in a decision to spend a summer on the road engaged in a good old fashioned no-frills Screwfest . . .

laughing bek

Now, I’ll be the first to admit, I tend to prefer my TV relationships unbearably sexually tense, and frustratingly unresolved .  . .

damon soulful crying

What can I say?  I’m a girl who loves the chase?  Romantic bliss bores me . . . at least when it’s of the fictional variety.

That said, I was pleasantly surprised by how Damon and Elena and Matt and Rebekah behaved as couples.  I liked that both of these couplings seemed to make all parties involved better versions of themselves.

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The typically straight-laced Elena and Matt seemed happier, more carefree, and, of course, more sexually adventurous under the romantic tutelage of their naughty vampire counterparts.

As for Damon, he remained every bit of the snarky, sex-crazed, vampire I fell in love with three seasons ago.  And yet, finally obtaining the woman of his dreams has given him a certain maturity that his 170+ prior years on Earth never did.  In this episode, alone, we saw him take genuine fatherly concern in the well being of Jeremy Gilbert, the same kid he killed in Season 2 in a drunken rage fueled by romantic rejection.  Now, that’s progress!

damon and jer

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What’s more, Damon was willing to put aside the wounds of a 145 year long crush to help an ex-girlfriend in need, no sexual favors required.

help me please

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As for Rebekah, apart from the discovery that she might be bisexual, we learned little about what a summer of European sex with Matt has done for her personality.  But she did seem a bit less bratty than usual, don’t you think?

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Summer romances are easy.  The weather is hot.  The workloads are lighter.  And we’re all slightly more naked and carefree.

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The real test of these two functional couples will be weather they can survive the blustery fall and the long bitter cold of winter?  With Elena off having coed college adventures  . . .

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 . . . Rebekah embarking on TV spinoff territory, and Matt possibly turning into a Demon spawn, can these loves last through Sweeps Week?  Only time will tell . . .

Vampire College Hijinks

love college

I know comedy is not the main purpose of this show.  But am I the only one who thinks that the writers missed a real opportunity for hilarity by killing off Megan, a.k.a. The Unwanted Third Roommate so quickly?

new megan

I mean, think about it.  These Mystic Falls vamps are so used to living around folks who think it’s totally OK to guzzle from a blood bag, require formal invitations to enter establishments, brainwash pesky teachers and neighbors, and occasionally nibble on a neck or two.

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Imagine all the fun that could be had by pairing go-with-the-flow vamp Elena and Type-A hyper vamp Caroline with a TRULY CLUELESS college coed (which, I suspect we will learn, Megan actually wasn’t).  I can already picture Elena and Caroline putting scrunchies on the door, to fend off Megan, not when they are having sex like most dorm mates do, but when they are engaging in a blood binge.  (Megan would probably think they were secret lesbians, as opposed to secret vampires.)

catch blood

Caroline’s and Elena’s differing opinions about how to handle Megan also seemed ripe for situation comedy.  I can already see Caroline regularly compelling Megan (once she got her off the “protein” vervain water, of course) to do her bidding, and then going to ridiculous lengths to hide that compulsion from the more gentle-hearted Elena . . .

megan shower

“I swear, Elena.  She just did all my laundry, because she REALLY, REALLY wanted to . . .”

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But alas, Megan was destined to be Senseless Death Patient Zero in this show known for introducing seemingly important characters to provide product placement, and then die quick and painful deaths 20 minutes into the series . .  .

dead megan

That said, Megan’s odd connection to Elena’s father (suggested by the picture on her cell phone), her seeming knowledge of vampire lore (illustrated by her ownership of vervain, and her casual refusal to get Caroline and Elena invited into the frat party), and the way that her death was clearly perpetrated by, and promptly covered up by a vampire (bite marks . . .  fake suicide note), made for an intriguing introduction to this season’s college-based storyline.

megan and dad

(Speaking of faked suicides, rumor has it that if your college roommate offs themselves during the semester, you get straight A’s for the year.  If Elena’s and Caroline’s attendance records at Whitmore College are anything like the ones they had at Mystic Falls High, that perk is going to come in mighty handy for them this season.)

high school 1

In other college coed news, Caroline is seemingly suddenly single, after her boyfriend Tyler, once again decided to dump her by voicemail, opting to defer his freshman year at Whitmore, in exchange for “helping out a werewolf pack that needs me.”

scared tyler

Yeah . . . because that worked out SOOOO well for you last time, Tyler.

As for everyone’s favorite Vampire Barbie, with new dude Jess clearly keeping his eye on her, and Klaus just a couple hours away in New Orleans, I suspect she won’t be single for long . . .

crying caroline

jesse

itsdelenalove klaus caroline

Meanwhile, back home . . .

Mr. Mom and The Juvenile Delinquents

Damon’s promise to Elena that he’ll be a good little house husband, while she’s off getting her learning on hits a bit of a snag, when he gets an unwanted visitor in the form of a newly human Katherine Pierce.

go away

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One of the problems with spending your 500 years on Earth pretty much pissing off, breaking the hearts of, and/or eating everyone you meet, is that eventually Karma will come back to bite you in the ass in pretty major way.

blisters damon

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Such is the case with Katherine, who has such an impressive talent for losing friends and alienating people that, by the end of the episode, she literally has an ENTIRE TOWN of people out to get her . . .

the kat kiss me or kill me

Katherine may have lost her ability to run in high heels without getting blisters, drink 3 bottles of tequila without getting drunk, compel enemies to do her bidding just by staring at them, and appear perfectly clean despite rarely being seen showering, or brushing her hair . . .  (Seriously, Girlfriend was downright dirty looking this week . . . Thank goodness for Damon’s magical bathtub, or we’d probably be able to smell her through the TV screen.)  But her snarktastic sense of humor, seductive talents, and supremely selfish sense of self-preservation remain refreshingly intact . . .

im a survivor

As difficult as it must have been for Elena’s doppelganger to ask Damon, of all people, for help, she did it without batting an eyelash.  And, in doing so, she succeeded, at least temporarily, in gaining herself a powerful vampire ally in a world where it has literally become almost impossible for humans to survive through midseason .  .  .

everyone die

Of course, by the end of the episode, she screws that up too.  But she still gets points for trying . . .

Speaking of navigating rough terrain, as if being the Creepy Kid Who Sometimes Talks to Dead People didn’t make him enough of an outcast, JerBear now has to add “came back from the dead” and “burned down his childhood home, just because he wanted attention” to his social resume.

talk to ghost

i see dead people

The character’s inherent weirdness aside, I find it hard to believe that any self-respecting high school student would be stupid enough to attempt to beat up Jeremy after getting a look at those crazy muscles he’s sprouted in the past year in a half.  Seriously, DUDE IS JACKED UP!

jer 1

Also, people rumored to have burned down their house?  Their usually not the kind of people you want to mess with.  Just saying . . .

And yet, on Jeremy’s first day back at school as a “real live boy,” he gets picked on by not one, but TWO ridiculously stupid teens.  So, he proceeds to wipe the floor with both of them . . .

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Now, I’m not generally a proponent of violence, but those two douchebags had it coming.  No one gets between a 16 year old boy and his cell phone . .. NO ONE!

Under normal circumstances, I suspect Damon Salvatore would be proud of his surrogate baby bro and law for sticking up for himself.  But Jeremy’s impending suspension spells trouble on the horizon between Elena and Damon, the latter of whom PROMISED to keep JerBear on the straight and narrow, while she was away at school .  . .

smirkies

So, Damon tries his hand at the “Dad Thing” offering Jeremy a surprisingly paternal lecture, and getting him accepted back into public school with the help of a little good old fashioned compulsion.  As for the unruly Katherine, he offers her his protection and a much-needed bath.  And so peace at La Casa de Rich and Awesome is restored . . .

damon eternal stud

For about five minutes, anyway . . .

no no on

Dr. Stefan and Mr. Silas

Even underwater and about three-quarters dead, Stefan Salvatore can’t help but be his brooding, mopey self, hallucinating conversations with Damon, in which the latter instructs him to turn off his humanity (just like he told Elena to do last season), and conversations with Elena where she tells him to keep his humanity ON.

Meanwhile, Doppelganger Silas is having FUN!

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He’s wearing (gasp) un-ironed shirts!

unironed shirt

His hair is less Christian Bale as Batman, and more Jim Carey in the Ace Ventura movies.

villain hair

ace ventura

He drinks police women’s blood out of styrofoam cups, and then reads their minds, just because he can  . . .

unkillable immortal psychic

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He knocks directly into Jeremy’s recently-healed over Hunter tattoo at the Only Bar / Social Establishment in Mystic Falls, silently daring the the former killer to recognize him as Silas.

He gets all flirty with Katherine in the bathtub, and then, mere seconds later, tries to strangle her, like its the most natural thing in the world.

human better on you

flirting

kilas

When she slashes his face with a straight razor, and runs away from him he seems more amused than annoyed . . . the Devil’s version of foreplay.

cut and run

Whereas Klaus’ villainy came from a place of impulsivity, a hunger for power, and a subconscious need for love and attention, Silas is much more purposeful and single-minded, always appearing to be at least one step ahead of his adversaries.

3 1 evil stefan look

When Damon instructs Jeremy and Katherine to drive far away and not tell Damon where they are going (so that Silas cannot lift that information from Damon’s mind), Silas cleverly offers up the whereabouts of Stefan (who, up until this point, Damon did not even know was missing in the first place), in exchange for Damon turning in Katherine.

3 4 partner in crime kat hump

But Katherine’s pretty single minded too, when it comes to saving her ass.  And she orchestrates her own escape at Jeremy’s expense, by crashing Baby Gilbert’s car, while she and Mr. Muscles are still inside.

(OK, people REALLY have to stop murdering this kid.  It’s getting old . . .)

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It’s Daddy Damon to the rescue!  He lovingly holds JerBear in his arms, and nurses him back to life, by feeding him his own blood . . .

wake up kill you

jer bear hug

How sweet . . . and kind of gross . . .

By the time all this is happening, Katherine, of course, is long gone . . . but for how long?  And what exactly does Silas want from her anyway?  Methinks it has something to do with that annoying ass Cure they kept babbling on about last season .  . . the same Cure that now courses through Katherine’s veins . . . making her vulnerable, yet, at the same time, valuable.

the kat thank me brought cure

In other words . . . she’s Elena 3.0 .  . .

Ain’t No Party Like a Mystic Falls Party . . .

If I lived in Mystic Falls, one thing I would never ever do is attend a party, or memorial service, or period-themed dance, or graduation ceremony, or film showing of the movie classic, Gone with the Wind . . .

know how to party

In fact, I’ve become entirely convinced that Mystic Falls parties are part of a suicide pact among Mystic Falls residents.  They attend out of some mutually held agreement to regularly thin out the population, kind of like that short story I had to read in school called The Lottery, where spoiler alert, the winning townspeople got stoned to death . . .

This year’s “End of Summer” party is no different.

Matt meets up with the pretty lady Rebekah made out with in Europe at the beginning of the episode.  The good news?  She flirts with him, and gives him back his much coveted Ugly Ass Ring of Immortality.  The bad news . . . Matt has officially become one of the ill fated Bon Temps residents from Season 2 of True Blood.  Anyone whose seen the show knows exactly what I’m talking about . . .

matt possessed by maenad

maenad

This is what happens to you when you let strange men sneak up behind you and give you scalp massages while chanting in Latin, Matt!

behind you

Silly boy!

So, who the heck is this Nadia check, anyway?  And why is she giving Matt the black-color contact treatment?

nadia

Feel free to post your guesses in the comment section.

In other news, this Mystic Falls Party had a super special guest speaker . . .

SURPRISE!  IT’S SILAS!

killing the mayor

Silas’ first order of business?  Kill the Mayor?  Why?  Because it’s fun!

stefan shrug

Also, because the Mayors on these types of shows pretty much always have to be brutally murdered.  It’s like Supernatural Teen Show Rule Number 1.

Sorry Bonnie.  The bad news is that this show clearly hates you.  The good news.  Now you have a ghost dad!  Ghost Dads are fun!  Just ask Bill Cosby!

ghost_dad_ver2

Next order of business, hypnotize the entire town to become your mindless Katherine Hunting Slaves .  . .

have attention 1

have attention 2

have attention 3

have attention 4

Now, admittedly that was pretty impressive.  But also kind of unnecessary.  Why didn’t Silas just brainwash Katherine, back when he had her in the tub?  She’s human after all, and presumably entirely susceptible to that sort of thing.

compelling kat

Then again, I guess if he did that the story would be over, and we wouldn’t have a show.  So, here’s to overly complicated plans for the murder of a single individual!  Cheers!

klaus cheers

Next time on TVD . . .

See ya then, Fangbangers!

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Filed under The Vampire Diaries