Tag Archives: Joan and Lane

“Something beautiful you can truly own” – A Recap of Mad Men’s “The Other Woman”

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“At last, something beautiful you can truly own.”

These haunting words comprised the tagline for the Jaguar pitch Don Draper made at the climax of the tour de force hour of television that was “The Other Woman.”  On the surface, they speak to human nature, and its often unquenchable desire to seek spiritual fulfillment through superficial means, be it wealth, material possessions, or physical attractiveness.

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However, “The Other Woman” takes this deceptively simplistic concept to a much deeper level, by posing to viewers a very serious question, one which we are all destined to face in our lives at one time or another.  Namely,  what price are you willing to pay to get what you want out of life?  And is there ever a point where the personal sacrifices necessary for achievement outweigh the rewards?

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Let’s review, shall we?

“Let them eat lobster.”

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Last week’s “Christmas Waltz,” ended rather triumphantly, with a newly re-energized and determined Don rousing his battle-weary troops, inspiring them all to work as hard as they could, and do whatever it took to win the Jaguar account for SCDP.  He described landing the account as a “defining moment for the agency.”  (Little did he know how prophetic those words would end up being.)

By the time we return to SCDP this week, it’s evident that some of the inspirational luster of Don’s speech has already started to fade.  The ad men are tired, restless, and growing increasingly jaded about their prospective client . . . a car that, though admirably beautiful and enviably expensive, has so far proven to be woefully unreliable.  In short, a Jaguar is the kind of date you wouldn’t think twice about inviting into your bed.  But you probably would hesitate, before bringing it home to meet the parents.

(Speaking of price tags, I wonder how much Jaquar paid for the product placement it’s received these past two episodes.  Whatever it was,  I’d probably ask for my money back.)

Hungry and tired, the ad men are thrilled when a massive order of lobster arrives in the conference room to provide them with some much-needed sustenance, after a hard day’s work.  But not Peggy.  She doesn’t get any lobster, because she’s working on  SCDP’s 25 or so other accounts, and NOT Jaguar.  She gets a two-day old tuna sandwich from the nose-picking street vendor downstairs.

(I don’t know.  This part seemed a little heavy handed for me.  I mean, it’s not that big of an office.  And, from the looks of it, about 7/8ths of the entire company was working on the Jaguar Account.  How hard would it have been to offer a little lobster tail to the 5 or 6 people still working on other accounts?  Also . . . um . . . isn’t SCDP a bit cash poor now?  Wouldn’t it have made more sense to forgo the lobster, in exchange for those “Christmas Bonuses” that Lane won’t shut up about?)

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“I sure would like the opportunity to get to know her better.”

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While the working stiffs at SCDP were busy eating lobster, Account Men, Ken and Pete were forced to shovel down some serious crow, when they learned that their ability to land the Jaguar account had less to do with their firm’s advertising prowess, and more to do with what was underneath Joan Holloway’s dress.  Jaguar’s pudgy dumpling of an executive definitely made no bones about what and who he needed SCDP to do in order to gain his business.  (And, honestly, if that’s how Jaguar makes its business decisions, it’s no wonder the cars are “unreliable.”)  Poor Ken Cosgrove!  The look on his face, when Scummy McScumbag proposed he be allowed to boink Joan, as a “perk” of using SCDP to advertise his product, was like someone had just clubbed a baby seal right in front of him . . .

Lately, I’ve come to the conclusion that Kenny Cosgrove is actually the moral compass of Mad Men.

This would explain why he hardly ever has any lines . . .

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Pete on the other hand has never been one to look a pimp horse in the mouth.  So, of course, he only feigns mild distaste with the idea, when he not-so-tactfully broaches the subject with Joan in her office, the following day.

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Like the seasoned pimp that he is,  Pete blustered his way toward Joan’s desk, boldly demanding that she name her price, without the slightest hint of hesitation or remorse in his voice.  He does so in a way that drastically downplays the extent of what he is asking her to do, and what her agreeing to do it would say about the company for which they both have chosen to work.  “We’re talking about a night in your life. We’ve all had nights in our lives where we’ve made mistakes for free,”  Pete reasons.  (How very Indecent Proposal of him.)

And lord knows, if anybody knows a thing or two about making “free” mistakes it’s Pete Campbell . . .

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What’s depressing is that the moment Pete broaches this subject with Joan, he has already singlehandedly taken his firm down the path to moral ruin.  Regardless of what comes after, SCDP has just become the kind of firm that’s willing to entertain these kind of offers to obtain business.  And Joan, who has spent over a decade of her life working tirelessly for the company, will never again be able to shake the fact that her bosses and colleagues value the almighty dollar over her self-respect and well-being.

In short, not all rapes happen in the bedroom . . .

But we’ve all come to expect this from Pete.  What was more disturbing, to me anyway, was the way the other partners reacted, when Pete broached the subject with them.  Bert Cooper, who, in the past, has often chastized his fellow co-workers for the ways in which their own greed and selfishness have negatively impacted the business, only uttered a few feeble words in protest, before following the herd.

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Roger Sterling, who — many times in the past, has claimed to “love” Joan, and whose modus operandi all season has been to throw money at any and all problems that stand in his way — only seemed interested in whether he would be the one to have to pony up the payment for Joan’s Jaguar prostitution fee.

Shameful!

And then there was Lane, who gamely proposed that Joan request a partnership stake in the company, as opposed to the $50,000 lump sum initially offered by Pete . . . not because he truly cared about Joan’s well being . . . but because he knew the large payment would bankrupt the already over-extended firm, while exposing his own criminal actions in the process.

In fact, Joan’s only champion at the executive table seemed to be Don, who stormed out of the meeting in a huff at the suggestion, wrongfully assuming that his obvious refusal to consider the matter would be enough to put the subject to rest.  He wouldn’t learn until later on in the episode just how wrong he truly was . . .

“You wanna go to Paris?”

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Elsewhere at SCDP, Peggy displayed her penchant for Don Draper style extemporaneous brilliance, when she came up with a new winning ending to a struggling ad campaign, off the while on the phone with the clients.  The advertisement was meant to be shot in Paris.  And Peggy, as originator of the idea, in the first place, rightfully requested the right to make the trip.  Don balked at the idea, claiming that the account was Ginsberg’s, and he would be making the trip in her place.  When Harry, Ken and Peggy urged him to reconsider, Don rudely tossed a wad of cash in Peggy’s face, inadvertently treating his erstwhile protege like the call girl, he so valiantly refused to allow Joan to be.

Oh, Don!  When even HARRY CRANE thinks you are treating women badly, you KNOW you douchedom levels have just reached Mach 5 . . .

Always the gentleman, Ken Cosgrove rushes to comfort Peggy, even going as far as to offer to leave the firm with her, if Don doesn’t reconsider his treatment of her.  But Peggy refuses to be comforted by her friend and colleague.  After all, there’s only one person’s approval she’s always been seeking at SCDP.  And it’s not Ken Cosgrove’s . . .

Don’s and Peggy’s relationship has always been complex, with Don’s treatment of the younger woman alternating between shockingly callous (“That’s what the money is for!”) and remarkably kind (“I will spend the rest of my life trying to hire you back.”)  In some ways, I think the familiarity that has developed between Don and Peggy over the past few seasons, coupled with Don’s at-least-to-some-extent rightful belief that she owes her career to him, are what has led to the gradual souring of their relationship this season.  Don often thinks of Peggy like his own daughter .  . . a daughter, who he can scold, chastize, and challenge, in ways that he can’t with other colleagues, because he knows deep down they love one another, and can relate to one another on a more personal level . . . also . . . quite frankly, he signs her checks.

But what Don never really understood about Peggy was that it was never about the money, or even about being the boss’ fair-haired girl.  For Peggy, what truly drove her at SCDP was a genuine love for what she was doing, and the drive to obtain the respect and recognition for her work, she felt she rightfully deserved.  Each time Don took Peggy’s talents for granted . . . each time he passed her over for an opportunity, or slighted her good work, brought her closer and closer to the decision she made at the end of the episode.  But ultimately, it was her old pal Freddy Rumsen, the first man at the firm to truly recognize her talents, who made her realize just how valuable of a commodity she had become in the industry, and what opportunities might become available to her, if she only had the courage to pursue them.

“I haven’t decided if you are really ambitious, ballerina, or if you just like to complain?”  Freddy muses, while at lunch, with a highly distraught Peggy.  Sometimes it takes the people who know us best, to show us what’s been in our hearts all along.  When Don Draper’s slimy adversary Ken Chaough courts Peggy with 1,000 more than her asking price, and the much coveted title of “Copy Chief,” I think Peggy is less wowed by the financial sum she is offered, and more enticed by the prospect of working for someone who sees her not as a protege, or even a beloved child, but as an intellectual equal, and smart business acquisition to boot.

Speaking of smart business acquisitions . . .

“She just comes and goes as she pleases.”

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Don is both shocked and more than a bit hurt, when his wife fails to consult him about taking an audition which, if she gets the the part, would require her to live apart from him for months at a stretch.  Later she goes on to say that, if he told her she couldn’t take the job, she would turn it down, but would probably hate him for it.

Megan continues to prove that she’s the one wearing the skinny jeans in the family, when she arrives at Don’s office in search of a quick pre-audition quickie to “up her confidence.”  (Interestingly enough, it’s Megan’s sex kitten-like brazenness that ultimately inspires a morally aghast Ginsberg to come up with the tagline for Don Draper’s ultimate Jaguar pitch.)

But then, it’s Megan’s turn to get her ego taken down a few pegs, when she arrives at her audition, and the men on the other end of the casting couch are more interested in what’s underneath her dress, than the words that are coming out of her mouth . . .

“You’re one of the good ones, aren’t you?”

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A little older, and substantially less naive about the inner desires of men / the ways of the world, Joan Holloway seems to have reached her decision regarding the Indecent Proposal made to her earlier by Pete, and somewhat seconded by Lane.  With an air of confidence that belies the inner turmoil she is obviously feeling, images of her repeated mistreatment by her soon-to-be ex husband ripe in her mind, Joan demands her five-percent stake in the company.  Pete’s response is smug and self-satisfied, with just the slightest hint of remorse.  “He’s not that bad,” Pete offers, wrongly assuming that Joan’s suitor’s lack of total hideousness will somehow soften the blow of what she’s about to do.

“He’s doing this,” Joan replies, matter-of-factly.

When Don hears that the rest of the partners went behind his back to orchestrate this agreement he is horrified, particularly in light of the tender moments he and Joan shared the week before.  With a sense of purpose, and a surprising amount of concern for his colleague, Don rushes to Joan’s home, begging her not to go through with this, telling her that he was 100% against it from the beginning, and that sacrificing her own integrity and the company’s for a single account is simply not worth the price.

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There’s a wistfulness in Joan’s face, as she listens to Don’s words that makes more sense later on in the episode.  For a woman who has been used and mistreated by men her entire life . . . a woman who has been taught by her own mother, that a woman’s greatest ambition should be to be “admired,” Joan is seeing, for the first time, a man who truly cares about her . . . someone who is willing to go to the mat for her . . . to fight for her . . . to put his own career and financial security on the line for her well-being.  She’s touched, honored, and impressed by this man with whom she’s never had a romantic history, but with whom she shares a history nonetheless . . .

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We don’t get to see the aftermath of that scene . . . how Joan responds, after Don walks out that door.  Instead, we are treated to an interplay between Don’s riveting, and yet, slightly disheartening, in light of recent events, Jaguar pitch about man’s elusive desire to “own” unattainable “beautiful things,” be them overpriced unreliable cars, or strong smart single mothers, who are willing to do what they can to provide for their children, even if it means sacrificing their own sense of self . . .

As a viewer, it’s incredibly hard to see Joan make this sacrifice . . . a woman who has always been the steadfast and sturdy rock, of SCDP . . . the unofficial mother of the gang.  She put her trust in her colleagues, and they let her down, by putting her in the position to entertain an offer she simply couldn’t refuse.  Of course, it’s even more heartbreaking, when we learn the truth about Don’s last ditch effort to get Joan to reconsider her decision.   Through a series of flashbacks, we learn that he was too late . . . that by the time Don arrived on Joan’s doorstep, the deed was already done.  Joan just couldn’t bring herself to tell him.

Had Don arrived earlier, would it have made a difference in Joan’s decision?  Perhaps not.  But now viewers will inevitably always be left wondering, and so will Joan . . .

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 “I Wanna Hold Your Hand”

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Learning that SCDP landed the Jaguar account is a highly bittersweet moment for Don, particularly when he learns, based on Joan’s sudden presence at the partner’s meeting, what she sacrificed to achieve it.  Now, he’ll never know whether he could have won the account on the merit’s of his pitching skills alone.  Far from being in the partying mood, Don finds himself surprisingly eager to engage in a personal conversation with Peggy, the only woman remaining in his life, who he truly believes he understands.  Little does he know that Peggy is about to turn his world upside down.  “You really don’t know when things are good, do you?”  Peggy inquires, clearly talking about more than the landing of the Jaguar account.

Anyone who’s ever left a job before, can relate to Peggy in this moment . . . the mixture of fear,  guilt, excitement, and sadness, coursing through her veins, as she thanks Don for seeing something in her that no one else did . . . for changing her life . . . and, finally, for making it possible for her to chart out a new path for herself.  At first, Don can’t take Peggy seriously.  This is the one woman Don thought would never leave him.  Once again, he wrongly assumes that this discussion is about money, as he blithely asks Peggy to name her price, echoing Pete’s discussion with Joan earlier in the episode.

But Peggy can’t be bought or swayed.  Her decision is final.  And when Don realizes that, his reaction is surprisingly emotional.  In fact, the only time we’ve really ever seen Don get this emotional was when he learned that Anna Draper died, last season . . . Ironically, Peggy was with him in that moment too . . .

On the surface, Don is his cocksure self, telling Peggy not to bother with her two week notice, since there are tons of freelancers out in the hall waiting to take her place.  But all that bluster falls away, when Peggy goes to give him that final handshake.  Barely concealed tears welling up in his eyes, Don grabs her hand, and kisses it repeatedly, refusing to let go, as Peggy looks away tearfully, both embarrassed and touched by this show of emotion by her father figure, her colleague, and the man who was once her hero.  For Don, the act is one mixed with emotion, caring, and just a hint of desperation.  It harkens back to the pilot episode, in which Peggy grabbed Don’s hand, in a feeble attempt to seduce him, and he brutally rebuffed her.  It also harkens back to that moment in “The Suitcase,” when Don grabs Peggy’s hand, while she offers him solace after a long and difficult night.  Like Joan’s hand on Don’s cheek, earlier in the episode, the hand kiss is a simple gesture.  But one that is frought with so much history and meaning.

On the way out of the office for the last time, Peggy catches Joan’s eyes, and the two share a meaningful look.  Here are two strong, very different women, having recently both made bold and life-changing decisions, ones that will inevitably lead them down very different paths.  Then, Peggy sighs and turns toward the elevator, waiting to take that final step.  When she does, she smiles, ready to face whatever comes next.  And despite all the tragedy, turmoil, and disappointments that filled the episode, how could you not root for an ending like that?

[www.juliekushner.com][FangirlsForever]

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“I want to rub my face all over his face!” – The Lazy Recapper takes on Mad Men, Game of Thrones, Gossip Girl, Glee and New Girl

[Don’t worry, Fangbangers!  Your TVD-cap of “Heart of Darkness” is on its way, and will hopefully be posted sometime before midnight, E.S.T. Friday, April  20th.  I promise to make it worth the wait.  And even if it isn’t, at least all those Delena gifs will be pretty to look at!]

 

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There was plenty to love in this week’s TV lineup: smart one-liners, shocking reveals, grown men engaged in fisti-cuffs, baby scares, illicit affairs, disco-dancing cross dressers, and even some chewing gum that got caught at the VERY WRONG PLACE at the VERY WRONG TIME.  So, of course, I wanted to “rub my face” all over all of it . . .

well . . . except for maybe the chewing gum (That’s just gross).

Let’s review shall we?

Game of Thrones – “What is Dead May Never Die”

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This week on Game of Thrones, Tyrion Lannister once again illustrated his cunning and overall awesomeness, by marrying off his 10-year old niece Myrcella off to two different (both twenty years her senior) at the EXACT SAME TIME . . .

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 . . . which, in Game of Thrones-land, isn’t nearly as creepy as it sounds.  OK . . . scratch that . . it’s absolutely as creepy as it sounds.  But you can’t blame Tyrion for living during an effed-up time.  Can you?

In other Tyrion news, DUDE, dump that Shae Wench.  And dump her fast.  Trust me on this one, little guy.  I’m only looking out for you . . .

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Elsewhere in Westeros, we met Renly Baratheon’s wife, Margaery, who we learned is a real . . . umm . . . how do I put it nicely, “team player,” when it comes to carrying out the Commandment of “Honor thy Husband.”

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She’s also VERY, VERY committed to her family.  (Perhaps, too committed?  Then again, isn’t everyone on this show.)

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This week, we were also introduced to Brienne of Tarth, who just so happens to be my favorite character from the George M.M. Martin book series on which this show is based.  Brienne kicked her king’s boyfriend’s ass in a jousting match, and earned herself a spot on the Kingsguard, as her chosen reward.

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(Personally, I would have asked for money . . . or a Vegas vacation . . . but that’s just me)

Still, I admire the androgenous Brienne’s strength and moxie.  She should REALLY do something about that hair though . . .  It makes her look  like Macauley Culkin . . .

Speaking of poor fashion choices . . .

Mad Men – “Signal 30”

This week on Mad Men, Don Draper joined the ever-growing Ugly Jacket Club . . .

He took it off a few minutes later to “fix a broken sink,” but that damage had already been done.  Honestly, if I was a guy who looked like Don Draper, I’d probably never wear a shirt . . . EVER.  And a jacket?  Well, that’s as superfluous an item of clothing as this clown nose . . .

 . . . particularly if it looks like it was made from someone’s picnic blanket . . .

And yet, this episode wasn’t really about Don and his questionable wardrobe choices.  It had a lot more to do with good ole Pete Campbell.

Pete had quite the busy week this week.  For starters, he went to driving school, and crashed and burned with a perky blonde high school chicky.  Dammit!  Who’s going to take Pete to the prom now?

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Pete also got to wine and dine some British big wig from Jaguar (which Brits apparently pronounce as “Jag-oo-arrrr.”)

“Tastes like my dignity . . . “

Helpful hint, Pete.  If you have to wear a big, while you are eating it . . . it’s probably not a classy meal.  You know what else isn’t classy?  Chewing gum on your dingaling . . .

Confused?  See . . . I forgot to mention that, after eating Baby Food with Bibs Pete and Mr. Jag-oo-arr traveled  to the Best Little Whore House in Manhattan, where Pete decided to role play a little Game of Thrones.  (He was Joffrey.)

 This may have seemed like good fun at the time.  But, ultimately, it resulted in SCDP losing the Jagooar account . . . thanks to Mr. Jagooar’s decision to get horizontal with one of those girls, who always leaves their chewing gum under chairs in public places  (I HATE people like that.), and clearly mistook Mr. Jagooar’s weiner schnitzel for one of those chairs.  Oops!

This business loss positively infuriate Lane, who had brought the account to SCDP in the first place.  A few harsh words were exchanged on both sides.  And, before you know it, this often stuffed shirted Madison Avenue advertising agency, had morphed into it’s very own version of Fight Club . . . with Lane playing the role of Tyler Durden as Brad Pitt, and Pete paying the much less lucky role of Tyler Durden as Ed Norton.

 In other words, Pete got his ass handed to him, BIG TIME.

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Let that be a lesson to you, folks.  Never mess with those Nerdy British types.  Not only are they surprisingly scrappy.  But most of them have never had chewing gum placed on their hot dog.  (They were much too busy beating people up in alleyways to concern themselves with such nonsense.)

While Pete went home early to lick his wounds (or, perhaps, have his wife lick them for him) . . .

“Don’t look at me, Don.  I’m HIDEOUS!”

 . . . Lane retired to his office, where he was promptly comforted by a newly maternal Joan.  “If they tried to make you feel different than them, you are.  And that’s a good thing,” she offered supportively.  Lane responded by doing this . . .

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AWWWWK-WARD!

Well . . . at least it could have been awkward, if Joan idn’t handle the situation like a TOTAL boss.

Her face inscrutably blank, Joan quietly rose to open the door, thereby decidedly closing off the possibility for Kiss: THE SEQUEL.  But then she came right back to sit down next to Lane, silently reassuring him that this would not change their business relationship or their friendship, in the slightest.  Though I strongly suspect both parties will be looking at one another a bit differently from now on . . .

Joan even offered her “pal” Lane some parting humor.  “Plenty of people have wanted to do that to Pete Campbell,” Joan mused.

I could think of a few . . . .

In other news, Ken Cosgrove is my spirit animal, because he’s a writer with a day job.  (In fact, he’s a much better writer than I am, if the excerpt from his short story at the end of this week’s episode is any indication.  I bet he doesn’t even NEED animated gifs as a substitute for real humor . . .)

Sexy legs too . . .

You keep writing, Ken!  Don’t let The Man get you down!

Roger Sterling a.k.a. The Man 

Speaking of writers forced to use pen names to maintain their anonymity . . .

Gossip Girl – “Salon of the Dead”

This week on Gossip Girl, Serena was almost expose by Lola as the new titular GG .  . . but then he wasn’t.  Sorry, Lola!  The idea of S as Gossip Girl is apparently a tough sell.  After all, up until she graduated high school few people on the Upper East Side even knew she could read and write . . .

Lola’s brief foray into super-sleuthing Veronica Mars territory wasn’t a total  wash, however.  She did manage to accidentally reveal Diana Mc Slutty Slut as Chuck’s real bio mom . . . a real that seemed to be a “Shocking Suprise” to the good fictional folks of the UES, even though it neither shocked nor surprised anyone who actually watches Gossip Girl.

Poor Chuck!  Is there anyone on this show who hasn’t abandoned my Baby Bass?

*clears throat*

Well . . . aside from Nate, of course . . .

 Ah . . . bromance

Though Chuck’s initial reaction to this reveal was to run like heck, eventually, he did manage to sit down for an adult heart-to-heart, with Whorey van Whoreson.  Of course, it wasn’t long before mother and child were forced to grapple with the overwhelmingly ickly realization that Chuck’s mommy had been porking his best friend and roommate just inches away from where Chuck slept.  “I was planning on watching you from afar,” Diana said.

“Nate’s bed isn’t that far,” Chuck quipped.  (Well, she sure walked right into that one!)

Ahhh . . . good ole Chuck . . . always bringing the funny, even though he just foun out his mom is a slutty child molester from a video uploaded to his cell phone by a Special Guest Star, and the love of his life is dating a donut with Chia Pet hair . . .

In other much less interesting news, Blair and the Donut had the Lamest Coming Out Party ever . . . In fact, it was soooo bad, they both had to leave at the same time “to get ice.”  (You know a party is crap, when the hosts can’t even wait to leave it.)  To make matters worse, the Happy Couple, couldn’t even be bothered to invite their REAL friends, the Non-Judging Breakfast club to their party.  Of course, the crew ended up crashing anyway.  But it didn’t save the lameness of the event . . . or this increasingly sour storyline . . .

You know what might have saved this party though . . . some dancing . . .maybe even a little disco dancing.

Glee – “Saturday Night Gleever”

The few of you out there, who used to read my Gleecaps know that the show and I haven’t exactly been speaking terms lately.  And yet, each week, I always manage to find some aspect of the episode that I love.  This week my heart went out to a sassy cross dresser named Unique, and her Boogie, Boogie Shoes . . .

Also, Lord Tubbington made an appearance . . . the fat cat, who to this day, remains my favorite Glee character of all time.  I mean, just look at how talented this cat is!  And how many cats do YOU know who can actually say they were in a sex tape . . .

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Speaking of sex tapes, Brittany might not always show her love for Santana in the best ways, but you have to know that her and Santana’s road to slutty stardom was paved with excellent intentions.  And when you think about it, Brittany’s right.  Having a sex tape, and going on weird reality shows is the most surefire way to become famous these days.  Just ask the Kardashians .  . .

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I also love that Brittany came up with the idea to apply Santana for a cheerleading college scholarship, though I suspect it was actually Sue who penned the application, and possibly wrote the essay too.  After all, it would take a VERY liberal, liberal arts college to accept a higher education application that was written in crayon, and featured a hand-drawn picture of Lord Tubbington on the bottom . . .

It would be easy to write Brittany off as “just another stereotypical dumb blonde.”  And yet, the character can be surprisingly astute sometimes, especially when it comes to Santana.  Perhaps, a more accurate way to describe Brittany would be “childlike.”  Speaking of children . . .

New Girl – “Kids”

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Ahhh, if it isn’t the “my period is late, and now I have to reevaluate my life priorities” Baby Scare Storyline.  We’ve all seen it about a million times before.  And yet, there really is no fake baby like a Fake Schmidt Baby, who requires his very own Douche Baby Jar.

But Cece isn’t the only cast member contemplating her ablity to be a mom.  Jess too is forced to take on the role of the Dreaded Adult, when she is asked to babysit Russell’s 11-year old Sarah.  But Sarah isn’t just your ordinary, garden variety 11-year old. In fact, she just so happens to share the collective brain of every Nick fangirl who watches this show.

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That’s right New Girlian’s!  Sarah thinks Nick is SUPER HOT . . . even though his eyes look “like poop.”

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Truth be told, she would very much like to “rub [her] face all over his face” (but not all over his eyes . . . you know, because of the whole “poop” thing).  Sarah’s episode-long love for Nick is great for the show, for a few reasons.  For starters, she gets Jess to admit that Nick is hot, “in a rumpled, small town PI-kind of way.”

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Sarah also seems to singlehandedly break Nick of his already three-or-four episode long habit of dating college girls, by inadvertently showing him JUST how much younger than him they actually are.  (Hint: His current date used to ride the school bus with Sarah.)

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But, best of all, Sarah’s little temper tantrum, get’s Nick and Jess to sit on the floor together,  outside their bedroom door, stare dreamily into one another’s eyes,  and each confess to Sarah why they are both so terrible for OTHER people to date, while, at the same time, proving just how perfect they are for ONE ANOTHER to date.

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So, hooray for Sarah.  But I still can’t figure out how she was spawned from these two .  . .

I mean, red-headedness is supposed to be a recessive trait, right?

Oh, and, just in case you were curious, Cece and Schmidt aren’t pregnant.  So, there little “caramel miracle-to be” may have to wait another season.

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Better luck next time, Future Schmidt Baby!

[www.juliekushner.com][Fangirls Forever]

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Lane Pryce: Fashion Guru / Wild and Crazy Guy? – A Recap of Mad Men’s “The Good News”

“Oh yes, Anna.  The advertising world is VERY exciting.   Us Mad Men are always on the pulse of the very latest in pop culture and fashion.  Like THIS new item, for example . . .

The Beefsteak Belt Buckle!  It’s fashionable.  It matches everything.  And it’s great for snack on the go . . . provided you don’t mistake it for anything else nearby . . .

“Freddy Rumsen did that once.  He’s never been the same . . .”

 This week’s episode of Mad Men featured Don Draper getting wasted, hitting on chicks half his age, and going out for expensive nights on the town.  But wait . . . isn’t that what happens in EVERY episode of Mad Men?  Perhaps, but  last night’s episode  was different, because last night we also got to watch LANE PRYCE get wasted, hit on chicks half his age (OK they were prostitutes, but still . . .), and go out for an expensive night on the town!

Who knew Don and Lane together could be such “Wild and Crazy Guys?”

But I’m getting ahead of myself.  Perhaps we should start at the beginning, with the only OTHER main character to actually get a storyline this week.  THIS GIRL . . .

Dr. McRapey saves the day . . . for once.

“Well, they had to find SOME way to make my character likeable, before he dies in Vietnam.  How else can Christina Hendricks win an Emmy next year for her portrayal of the ‘grief-stricken widow?”

The episode begins with Joan Holloway hanging out in her hospital gown, and visiting with her friendly neighborhood GYNO.

“Open wide, Joan!  And I’m not talking about your mouth, either.  Unless, of course .  . . well, nevermind.”

If Doctor McGirly Parts looks at all familiar to you, he should.  This douchey Doc was the same guy who examined Peggy in the Season 1 Pilot episode.  (Remember?  He warned her against being the “Town Strumpet” . . . like Joan?)

“Oh, of course, not Doctor.   Aside from Pete, that college boy I picked up in the bar, Duck, my new boyfriend Mark, and my entire high school Chess team, I am a TOTAL virgin!’

However, this is NOT the same GYNO as that old fart, who told Betty she should be THRILLED to have a baby, because she has had a rich husband to care for her.

Douchey GYNO assures Joan that she is very healthy.  Everyone’s favorite Office Manager should definitely be able to have a kid if she wants one, despite her having had two abortions prior, one of which had been administered by Douchey himself.  Everything seems great about the visit, until, in typical Douchey fashion, the GYNO takes the opportunity to inquire after Joan about why her “happily married” husband would rather go to war halfway across the world, than stay home and bang her.  OUCH!  That one had to hurt!

Knowing full well that the window of opportunity that Joan and Dr. McRapey have to screw like bunnies (and hopefully procreate like them too), before he heads off to war,  is very limited .  . .

Even the Energizer Bunny has to stop sometime . . .

Joan approaches Lane the day before New Year’s Eve, in order to request some days off after New Year’s, during which she could “take care of some personal business.”

Unfortunately for Joan, Scroogey McLane hasn’t been laid since Eisenhower was inaugurated . . .

“Ahhhhh, us Brits DID always ‘like Ike’ . . .”

So, of course, he is none too pleased about Joan’s request.  “You will be off on New Year’s, why should I give you more days?”  Lane whines. 

When Joan tries to get her boss to reconsider, Lane REALLY goes for the jugular.  “I understand that all men are dizzy and powerless to refuse you, but consider me the incorruptible exception,” he seethes.

Clearly, Lane is the guy who got teased and rejected by all the pretty girls in high school, and now vows to make all of their lives miserable, whenever possible.  “Don’t go and cry about it,” Lane calls after a flabbergasted Joan, adding insult to injury, as she stalks out of his office.

“Lane Pryce, you are SOOOO not allowed in my Conga Line, next Christmas!”

Joan’s day goes from bad to worse, when she arrives home from work, only to get into an argument with her husband, about when he is leaving for Vietnam, and why the two of them cannot coordinate their schedules efficiently enough to find so much as five extra minutes of mutual screw time.  Thanks to Mr. “Incorruptible Exception,” a vacation for the not-happy-couple is pretty much out of the question.

“Was it just me, or did this scene look and sound like something out of that Leonardo DiCaprio film, Revolutionary Road?”

In order to make amends with Dr. McRapey, the next night, Joan holds an impromptu luau in her apartment, complete with leis (but sans getting laid).  Joan hopes that this charming luau will make up for the trip to Hawaii she and McRapey will never take, and the sex on the beach they will never have.  But things don’t exactly go as planned.  For starters, she nearly chops off her fingers!

Admittedly, this is probably a bit of an exaggeration, but you get the idea!

McRapey surprises EVERYBODY by being surprisingly cool about the whole ruined evening.  He quickly grabs his medical kit and goes to work on Joan’s bloody hand, amusing her with cheesy jokes, as she works.  The unexpected sweetness of the moment brings Joan to tears.

“Didn’t I tell you NOT to go and cry about it!  Why don’t you EVER listen to me?”

Because, unlike Lane, Dr. McRapey is NOT the “incorruptible exception,” he is visibly softened by Joan’s uncharactertistic show of emotion.  “I can’t fix everything, but I can fix this,” he replies, smiling ruefully at the woman he may ACTUALLY love, despite all prior evidence to the contrary.

Keep this up McRapey, and I may have to actually learn your character’s REAL NAME!

Saying sorry is the hardest part . . .

To My Loyal Secretary,

Roses are Red.  Violets are Blue.  My marriage is over, and so are YOU!  YOU’RE FIRED!

Hugs and Kisses,

Lane

Dr. McRapey Greg  (See?  I did it!  I remembered his name!) wasn’t the only man needing to do some serious Joan Holloway Ass Kissing . . .

And let’s face it, there’s plenty to go around.

So, Mr. “Incorruptible Exception” has his Secretary send Joan a box of roses.  But when she opens them, and reads the card inside, she is infuriated!  It turns out the card says something completely workplace inappropriate like,  “I’ve been an incredible ass.  Please take me back.  I want to make love to you, while wearing nothing but a Beefsteak Belt Buckle.  Hugs and Kisses – Lane”

When Joan confronts Lane about a card that she would see as being sexual harrassment, if such a thing existed during the mid sixties, Lane is appalled.  As it turns out, Lane had recently gotten into a little tiff with his miserable cold fish of a wife . . .

Coincidentally, if they ever did a UK version of Mad Men, this is probably who they would choose to play the Betty Draper character . . .

So, the  . . . noun that rhymes with kitsch . . . immediately up and left for England, taking Lane’s only son with her.  (Let’s face it, seeing how much this broad hated NYC, we all know she was just WAITING for an excuse to do this, card or no card.)  And so, when the soon-to-be former Mrs. Pryce receives Lanes flowers in the mail, you can imagine her surprise (and relief?) when the card attached says, “Please forgive me, Joan!”

Lady Pryce vows never to return to the U.S., and instructs her son to tell his father that he won’t be returning either.  Happy Friggin New Year, Lane!

Eager to spread the “holiday cheer” already looming throughout this lovely episode, Joan proceeds to ream Lane’s secretary a new asshole for singlehandedly destroying his marriage.  When the secretary indicates that the mixup was the florist’s fault and not her own, Joan fires her faster than you can say “roses are red.”  Happy Friggin New Year, Secretary!

Smoking some grass, underage ass, home painting with class

I think I once saw a porn that began like this . . .   “Oh Mr. House Painter, you got paint on your jeans, let me WASH THEM FOR YOU!”

While Joan was chopping her fingers off, and Lane was watching his marriage go down the toilet, Don was headed to Acapulco alone for New Years.  But before he got there, he planned to spend the day with his old friend Anna Draper, the REAL wife of the REAL Don Draper, and the only woman who truly loved him for who he was . . .

Anna is admittedly a bit worse for wear, having broken her leg recently.   Yet, she is still thrilled to see Don.  Just moments after he has arrives, Anna’s sister conveniently drops by, with a scantily-clad college student named Stephanie in toe.  Stephanie is Anna’s niece, and nearly half Don’s age, which makes her the PERFECT love match for him, as far as he is concerned.  I don’t know about you guys, but lately, Don Draper has been starting to remind me a lot of Matthew McConaughey’s character in the film Dazed and Confused.

“That’s what I love about [these] girls: I get older, and they stay the SAME AGE!”

Once they get rid of Anna’s Stick Up Her Ass sister, Anna, Stephanie, and Don, armed with a massive bag of grass, head out to the local bar for a few quick drinks.  As Don drinks, he gets pensive and philosophical.  So, while young Stephanie is off fiddling with her jukebox (no pun intended), Don begins waxing poetic to Anna about how Betty didn’t love the REAL Don Draper Dick Whitman, and that she dropped him like a hot potato, the minute she learned of his ignominious roots.

[Insert sad dramatic music here.]

Now, typically, I am NEVER one to stick up for Betty, under ANY circumstances.  However, Don’s kind of being a bit of whiny b*tch here.  So, I have to give credit where credit is due.  Ummmm DICK, your wife left you, because you CHEATED on her countless times, and LIED to her for many years about every important facets of your REAL life, including YOUR REAL NAME!

“Yeah!  Take that, DON!  You just got schooled!”  (sticks out tongue)

When the slow song Stephanie chooses on the jukebox immediately begins to play on the jukebox  (This is TRULY impressive, as I don’t think I have EVER had the song I selected from the jukebox actually played while I was there to hear it.  I’ve always been convinced the whole “jukebox thing” was a scam to eat my quarters.), Stephanie and Don the Lech, begin to slow dance .  . . up close and personal.  Don seems very happy about this recent turn of events.  In fact, you know what I bet he could use right now?

It works for swollen EYES . . . so why not . . .?

After dropping Anna off her house, Don offers to take Stephanie . . . *cough, cough* HOME *winks, clears throat.* 

Shocker of shockers, when Don arrives at Stephanie’s house, he immediately leans over, and begins to look at the college student with his trademark, “Even though I’m practically old enough to be your Dad, you should seriously consider f&cking me, because I look like this” . . .

 . . . eyes.

Stephanie responds to Don’s advances by . . . telling Don that Anna has terminal CANCER . . .

 . . . and that NO ONE has told her she’s dying, so as to PROTECT HER FEELINGS!

And ladies, let me tell you, there is no better way to kill a man’s . . . Beefsteak Belt Buckle . . . than to talk to him about “feminine health” issues . . .

Don is immediately faced with a cavalcade of conflicting emotions.  He is saddened by the prospective loss of his dear friend; angered that Anna’s own family has been keeping this information a secret from her (because Don NEVER keeps secrets from ANYONE!); and intensely guilty about leaving Anna alone to die.  He vows to come clean to Anna about her illness the following morning, even though that is when he is scheduled to leave for Acapulco.

However, when the morning comes, Don realizes that he can’t do it.  It is not his place to make this type of important decision about Anna’s life.  So, instead, he repaints Anna’s chipped walls, write both of their names on the bottom like a school boy with a crush, and sadly departs Los Angeles.  However, instead of going to Acapulco, Don decides to spend New Year’s Eve in NYC.

All Right! Enough of this maudlin crud!  On to the booze, babes, and Beef Beltbuckles!

“Let the debauchery begin!”

When Don arrives back at the office, he finds it completely empty, except for Lane.  After a few awkward moments with one another, these two decide that having a non-business related conversation while sober is absolutely IMPOSSIBLE.  So, the two pop open a bottle of wine sent care of Lane’s alcoholic father back in the UK, and proceed to get positively sh*tfaced.

Soon, Don is holding his liquor bottle at crotch level and pouring it on the floor instead of in his glass.  Watching this, I couldn’t help but be reminded of the “Freddy Rumsen Pee Incident” from Seasons Past.  I half expected Don and Lane to start lapping the stuff off the floor like dogs (“stuff” meaning the liquor .  . . not the pee . . . because that would be gross . . . not that licking whisky off a shag carpet isn’t). 

When the proverbial “keg” has been completely tapped, Don and Lane decide to go to a movie.  They argue a bit over what they should see.  Upon getting a glimpse of the film they did end up seeing on the screen, I was certain it was Godzilla.  However, upon doing some further research,  I quickly learned that it was some old film called Gamera, about a genetically altered turtle, with a bad attitude and destructive tendencies . . .  Kind of like THESE GUYS . . .

“Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. Heroes in a Half-Shell, TURTLE POWER!”

And who doesn’t love a nice, feel-good movie, about a Reptile on Steroids?    In addition to being adorable, the men found themselves able to relate to Gamera on some deep spiritual level.

“This movie is VERY good!”

Next, the boys head out for dinner at a fairly swanky restaurant. 

LANE: “What a jolly good night this is!”

DON:  (Starts giving Lane the “even though I’m practically old enough to be your Dad, you should seriously consider f&cking me, because I look like THIS” eyes”)

LANE:   Ummm, Don.  Why are you looking at me like that?

DON: Sorry, it’s an old habit of mine . . .

LANE:  Well, it’s working.  Suddenly, I have this insane urge to f*ck you . . .

It is during this dinner that Lane gets the brilliant idea to put an entire hunk of steak over his crotch and do a dance that looks suspiciously like the Macarena.

First the Ninja Turtles, and now THIS.  Clearly, Lane is a man before his time . . .

The Wild and Crazy Guys’ next stop is a comedy show. 

But the comedian seems pretty lousy, from what I could tell.  After making some lame joke about masturbation, he starts going after Don and Lane themselves, with some half-hearted “gay jokes,” and a few “ugly jokes” . . .

?????????????????

 . . . about Lane.  Fortunately, Don’s Hos arrive, and the group quickly take their leave . . .

NO!  Not Don HO!  DON’S HOS!

Close enough . . .

Don, Lane, and the hos, head back to Don’s apartment.  Both hos want Don and Lane to do it in Don’s guest bedroom, where the kids stay when they come over, but Don wisely nixes the idea .  . .

“Dad, why are there tadpoles in my bed?”

Ultimately,  Don lets Lane screw in his bedroom, and Don and his ho take the couch.  And they say New Yorkers don’t understand hospitality!

The next day, Lane offers to pay for his lay, and the pair share a “lets never discuss this night again” look with one another, before heading back to the offices of Sterling Cooper Draper & Pryce.  Lane, Don, and the rest of the crew, quickly gather around a brand new conference table for their first meeting of the New Year. (When did they get a table?  Weren’t they all just sitting in an empty circle last week?)

“Gentleman, shall we begin 1965?”  Joan inquires.

YES, PLEASE!

[www.juliekushner.com]

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