Tag Archives: Joffrey

The Lazy Recapper Takes on Sunday and Monday Night Television (Once Upon a Time, Game of Thrones, Mad Men, and Gossip Girl)

[The Vampire Diaries’ Recap for “Do Not Go Gentle” is on its way!  Check back early Saturday morning, April 28th, E.S.T.]

May Sweeps is fast approaching.  And it’s already been quite the busy week in TV land.  Let’s see, we’ve had decapitations, mutilations, demon baby births, people turning into snails, travels to alternate dimensions, fake family reunions, real family reunions, LSD trips, and people claiming to be Martians . . .And that was all before midnight on Monday!

So grab your sword and crossbow, and let that funny tasting sugar cube melt on your tongue, because it’ time for a trip down TV’s Memory Lane, Lazy Recapper’s style.

Once Upon a Time – “The Return”

This week on OUAT, we learned the real reason why poor little Baelfire never brought his dad, Rumpelstiltzkin in to talk to his class on Career Day.  Sure, turning straw into gold, bargaining for first born babies, and turning people into snails, just because they gave your son a boo-boo is a great job.

 “I also have fabulous hair.”

But for some reason it doesn’t make the Rumpel family all that popular with the townsfolk.  Gee . . . I can’t imagine why?

Source 

Es carg – OH NO!

Understandably, Baelfire (Um . . . can I just say, as far as names go, this one is pretty darn awful.  Then again, what do you expect from a guy who’s name sounds like the German word for “Butt Stilts”) is a bit tired of being Fairytale land’s least likely to be Prom King and/or get laid before the age of 55.  So, the young lad vows to find a way to make his dad’s DARK MAGIC evaporate, faster than one can say “Bippity, Boppity, Boo.”

“And that’s how I get my face looking so sparkly and demonic, each day.” 

And wouldn’t you know, some things actually ARE easy in fairytale land.  Upon meeting a rather ornery, and self-righteous fairy, Baelfire learns that the key to turning his snail-hating, and baby-loving dad, with the poopy name, back into a normal man is a  . . . bean(?).

“Are we supposed to be vanquishing evil or cooking?”

But this, of course, isn’t just any bean.  It’s a Time and Dimension Traveling Bean.  Baelfire, of course, is THRILLED.  He can’t wait to share the good news with ole pops!

“By the way, if you ever run into Tinkerbell, tell her I think she’s really hot.”

However, unfortunately for Baelfire, Rumpelstiltzkin isn’t quite so ready to give up his magic ability to prevent the snail population from inevitable extinction.  So, when Baelfire tosses the bean, and the inevitable funnel cloud of smoke and gas emanate from it (Insert Inevitable Bean-Eating Flatulence Joke here), only the little guy has the courage to travel to the Land of the Boring and Magic Free.  Meanwhile, the miserable and extremely guilty feeling Rumpel remains in Fairytale land, totally and utterly alone.

Source 

Source 

But, as we all know, Rumpel did eventually made his way into the Land of the Boring and Magic Free.  Does that mean there is hope for an inevitable father/son reunion?  Who did little Baelfire grow up to be, anyway?  Was it this guy?

Source 

Well, that’s what most of us thought, at least until about 40 minutes into the episode, when The Stranger (who just keeps getting Stranger by the Minute) waved a hunk of steel in Rumpel’s face, while chanting some ridiculous prayer purposed toward making the poor old guy his lifelong slave.  Not exactly the kind of sentiment that fits on a Father’s Day card . . .

“Because I care enough to send the very best . . . here, let me shove this pretty sword in your neck . . . Dad.” 

So, here’s my new theory on August the Stranger.  (I saw the promos, after all.)  He’s actually . . . wait for it . . . PINOCCHIO.  It would certainly explain his peg leg, and penchant for donkey paper weights.   I’m thinking that, even though magic successfully converted Pinocchio into a “real boy,” in Fairy Tale land, that magic has an expiration date here in the boring real world.

“On a positive note, I don’t have to worry about that pesky nose-growing thing, anymore . . .” 

And this means that August is doomed to revert back into a puppet status, unless someone*cough Emma Swan cough* can ship him back to Happily Ever After, ASAP.  Makes sense, right?

You know what makes less sense?  What happened this week on Mad Men . . .

Mad Men – “Far Away Places”

Here are just a few of the many things I learned, while watching Mad Men, this week.

(1)    Take LSD!  Not only will it help you divorce your wife, it will also make your liquor bottles musical, and enable you to perfectly recall old baseball games, while getting pruny in your bathtub!  Talk about efficient living!

Source 

Just beware of “shrinkage” . . .

“I was in the tub . . . I swear it was only because I was in the tub!”

(2)    Michael Ginsburg may be an honest-to-goodness Martian.  But Stan Rizzo only owns one suit jacket.  And it just so happens to be that hideous green plaid one.  Which one do you feel sorrier for?

My vote goes with Stan.  Rumor has it the Martians are pretty snazzy dressers . .  .

(3)    Peggy Olson is NOT Don Draper.  And giving someone a hand job during the movie with all the cute little lion cubs in it, or yelling at a client, who doesn’t like her idea, does not make her him.

“Can I get some popcorn with that?’

Source

Oh, and . . . whatever you do, don’t ask her for her thoughts on beans.

“You WILL like my advertising idea, or I’ll have my good friend Rumpelstilskin turn you into a snail!” 

Speaking of Don Draper . . .

(1)    When Don Draper says you should like Orange sherbert, you BETTER like Orange sherbert.  And don’t even think about ordering yourself a pie for dessert.  Because you’ll end up walking home from that Howard Johnsons in East Deliverance, U.S.A, ALL BY YOURSELF . . . just you and the ten rednecks who tried to hit on you, outside the phonebooth. Yes, I’m looking at you, Megan!

Source 

(2)    This one is also for Megan, or any of you future Ms. Draper’s out there.  When your husband (a) murders women in his sleep and shoves them under his bed for safe keeping; and (b) only seems to like having intercourse with you on the floor, AFTER he’s failed to scratch your eyes out or strangle you . . . you might want to reconsider the single life.

Foreplay?

In other, People You Definitely Don’t Want to Marry News . . .

Game of Thrones – “Garden of Bones”

(Special thanks to my pal, Andre, for all the awesome screencaps!)

Hey Joffrey Baratheon, you seem to be getting to that age, when boys start growing hair on their chest . . . their voices change . . . they stop thinking women are icky, and start wanting to get some.  Given all that, you might be interested in hearing some tips on how to woo women.  Here’s a hint.  Don’t do ANY OF THE THINGS YOU DID DURING THIS WEEK’S EPISODE OF G.O.T . . . (or any episode of GOT for that matter)

You heard me, boy.  That means, no having women stripped naked in public for your amusement, no making them stare at their father’s decapitated head for fun, no menacing them with crossbows, while someone shoves a hot poker up their asses, or flogs them with a belt.  Need I say more?

Speaking of demon seeds, Melisandre gave birth to some hideous looking black puff of smoke that makes that thing that came out of the guy’s stomach in the movie Alien look downright cuddly by comparison.

The whole scene gave me an awful flashback of that Miracle of Life video they made us watch in middle school.  I’m still traumatized by it to this day.  (There’s no better form of contraception, as far as I’m concerned.)  Which reminds me, I wonder what kind of health coverage one gets working for the “Lord of Light?”

Source 

“I wouldn’t know.  I work for the Prince of Darkness, myself.”

Speaking of Stannis’ seed, it’s looking to me like Renly won out in the gene pool competition in the Baratheon family, BIG TIME.  Not only did he kick his brother’s ass in their High on their Horses pre-war pissing contest, this week . . . he’s also better looking, more popular, funnier, and most importantly, didn’t sire that nasty black sh*t that came out of Melisandre’s uterus .  . .

Source

“Now, I know how Danny Devito’s character felt in the movie Twins.”

Too bad Renly doesn’t play for my team . . .

Source 

Meanwhile, Arya visited Harennhaal Castle, where her infamous “People to Kill” list grew by about ten names.  But, unlike many of her co-captives she got to keep her head . . . literally.  So, yayyyy, Arya!

Elsewhere, on greener pastures, Dany, Mother of Dragons, used her feminine wiles and genuine kick ass nature to enter what seems like the nicest locale on this show, not to mention the only one that looks remotely clean.

Sausage Party 

My only question then, is why did they give it a totally lame name like QARTH.

“I pity the fool who pronounces it as QUARTH.” 

Speaking of totally lame . . .

Gossip Girl – “Despicable B”

Blair made a TOTAL ASS out of herself, at one of Dan’s dull emo parties, by wearing a totally inappropriate, and not particularly cute dress, and making an awkward rambling speech, no one cared about . . . all because the New Yorker referred to her as  “low brow.”  Now, she’s worried she lost sight of her “true self.”  Glad you caught on Blair.  We’ve been worried about that, since the whole “Pact with G*d” episode . . .

Sometimes, the truth hurts . . . 

More drama on the Lily the Greedy Van der B*tch front.  But at least this time she’s found the right target for her ire, her sister . . . who got carted off to jail at the end of the episode for paying someone to pretend to be a family member, in order to free up some trust fund cash.

 Just try not to drop the soap . . .

Speaking of the faux-sibling, in question Ivy ultimately got off scott free for the part she played in the scheme.  She even got a check for $1 million for her troubles.  She ended up tearing up the check though . . . You know, because she has  .  . . like . . . standards, and stuff.  MORON! 

Ivy Dickens . . . a real bastion of morality.

Speaking of fake family members, remember when we found out that Diana Von Slutsky was actually Chuck’s bio mom?  Well, now, it turns out . . . not so much.  But get this, UNCLE BART might be his dad.  Seriously?  How old would Bart have to have been when Chuck was born?  TEN?

I know those Bass boys start sexing young, but this is a bit ridiculous.  And how about all those times Bart tried to get Chuck to OD on DRUGS so he can steal his hotel from under him.  Talk about things you won’t find on the Father’s Day Hallmark cards . . .

And that’s what you missed on Sunday and Monday night television . . .

(F.Y.I. Tuesday night television will be getting its own recap this week . . .  So, Glee and New Girl fans, be on the lookout . . .;)

Source 

See ya next time!

[www.juliekushner.com][Fangirls Forever]

7 Comments

Filed under Game of Thrones, Gossip Girl, Mad Men, Once Upon a Time

“I want to rub my face all over his face!” – The Lazy Recapper takes on Mad Men, Game of Thrones, Gossip Girl, Glee and New Girl

[Don’t worry, Fangbangers!  Your TVD-cap of “Heart of Darkness” is on its way, and will hopefully be posted sometime before midnight, E.S.T. Friday, April  20th.  I promise to make it worth the wait.  And even if it isn’t, at least all those Delena gifs will be pretty to look at!]

 

Source

There was plenty to love in this week’s TV lineup: smart one-liners, shocking reveals, grown men engaged in fisti-cuffs, baby scares, illicit affairs, disco-dancing cross dressers, and even some chewing gum that got caught at the VERY WRONG PLACE at the VERY WRONG TIME.  So, of course, I wanted to “rub my face” all over all of it . . .

well . . . except for maybe the chewing gum (That’s just gross).

Let’s review shall we?

Game of Thrones – “What is Dead May Never Die”

Source

This week on Game of Thrones, Tyrion Lannister once again illustrated his cunning and overall awesomeness, by marrying off his 10-year old niece Myrcella off to two different (both twenty years her senior) at the EXACT SAME TIME . . .

Source 

 . . . which, in Game of Thrones-land, isn’t nearly as creepy as it sounds.  OK . . . scratch that . . it’s absolutely as creepy as it sounds.  But you can’t blame Tyrion for living during an effed-up time.  Can you?

In other Tyrion news, DUDE, dump that Shae Wench.  And dump her fast.  Trust me on this one, little guy.  I’m only looking out for you . . .

Source 

Elsewhere in Westeros, we met Renly Baratheon’s wife, Margaery, who we learned is a real . . . umm . . . how do I put it nicely, “team player,” when it comes to carrying out the Commandment of “Honor thy Husband.”

Source 

She’s also VERY, VERY committed to her family.  (Perhaps, too committed?  Then again, isn’t everyone on this show.)

Source

This week, we were also introduced to Brienne of Tarth, who just so happens to be my favorite character from the George M.M. Martin book series on which this show is based.  Brienne kicked her king’s boyfriend’s ass in a jousting match, and earned herself a spot on the Kingsguard, as her chosen reward.

Source

(Personally, I would have asked for money . . . or a Vegas vacation . . . but that’s just me)

Still, I admire the androgenous Brienne’s strength and moxie.  She should REALLY do something about that hair though . . .  It makes her look  like Macauley Culkin . . .

Speaking of poor fashion choices . . .

Mad Men – “Signal 30”

This week on Mad Men, Don Draper joined the ever-growing Ugly Jacket Club . . .

He took it off a few minutes later to “fix a broken sink,” but that damage had already been done.  Honestly, if I was a guy who looked like Don Draper, I’d probably never wear a shirt . . . EVER.  And a jacket?  Well, that’s as superfluous an item of clothing as this clown nose . . .

 . . . particularly if it looks like it was made from someone’s picnic blanket . . .

And yet, this episode wasn’t really about Don and his questionable wardrobe choices.  It had a lot more to do with good ole Pete Campbell.

Pete had quite the busy week this week.  For starters, he went to driving school, and crashed and burned with a perky blonde high school chicky.  Dammit!  Who’s going to take Pete to the prom now?

Source 

Pete also got to wine and dine some British big wig from Jaguar (which Brits apparently pronounce as “Jag-oo-arrrr.”)

“Tastes like my dignity . . . “

Helpful hint, Pete.  If you have to wear a big, while you are eating it . . . it’s probably not a classy meal.  You know what else isn’t classy?  Chewing gum on your dingaling . . .

Confused?  See . . . I forgot to mention that, after eating Baby Food with Bibs Pete and Mr. Jag-oo-arr traveled  to the Best Little Whore House in Manhattan, where Pete decided to role play a little Game of Thrones.  (He was Joffrey.)

 This may have seemed like good fun at the time.  But, ultimately, it resulted in SCDP losing the Jagooar account . . . thanks to Mr. Jagooar’s decision to get horizontal with one of those girls, who always leaves their chewing gum under chairs in public places  (I HATE people like that.), and clearly mistook Mr. Jagooar’s weiner schnitzel for one of those chairs.  Oops!

This business loss positively infuriate Lane, who had brought the account to SCDP in the first place.  A few harsh words were exchanged on both sides.  And, before you know it, this often stuffed shirted Madison Avenue advertising agency, had morphed into it’s very own version of Fight Club . . . with Lane playing the role of Tyler Durden as Brad Pitt, and Pete paying the much less lucky role of Tyler Durden as Ed Norton.

 In other words, Pete got his ass handed to him, BIG TIME.

Source

Let that be a lesson to you, folks.  Never mess with those Nerdy British types.  Not only are they surprisingly scrappy.  But most of them have never had chewing gum placed on their hot dog.  (They were much too busy beating people up in alleyways to concern themselves with such nonsense.)

While Pete went home early to lick his wounds (or, perhaps, have his wife lick them for him) . . .

“Don’t look at me, Don.  I’m HIDEOUS!”

 . . . Lane retired to his office, where he was promptly comforted by a newly maternal Joan.  “If they tried to make you feel different than them, you are.  And that’s a good thing,” she offered supportively.  Lane responded by doing this . . .

Source 

AWWWWK-WARD!

Well . . . at least it could have been awkward, if Joan idn’t handle the situation like a TOTAL boss.

Her face inscrutably blank, Joan quietly rose to open the door, thereby decidedly closing off the possibility for Kiss: THE SEQUEL.  But then she came right back to sit down next to Lane, silently reassuring him that this would not change their business relationship or their friendship, in the slightest.  Though I strongly suspect both parties will be looking at one another a bit differently from now on . . .

Joan even offered her “pal” Lane some parting humor.  “Plenty of people have wanted to do that to Pete Campbell,” Joan mused.

I could think of a few . . . .

In other news, Ken Cosgrove is my spirit animal, because he’s a writer with a day job.  (In fact, he’s a much better writer than I am, if the excerpt from his short story at the end of this week’s episode is any indication.  I bet he doesn’t even NEED animated gifs as a substitute for real humor . . .)

Sexy legs too . . .

You keep writing, Ken!  Don’t let The Man get you down!

Roger Sterling a.k.a. The Man 

Speaking of writers forced to use pen names to maintain their anonymity . . .

Gossip Girl – “Salon of the Dead”

This week on Gossip Girl, Serena was almost expose by Lola as the new titular GG .  . . but then he wasn’t.  Sorry, Lola!  The idea of S as Gossip Girl is apparently a tough sell.  After all, up until she graduated high school few people on the Upper East Side even knew she could read and write . . .

Lola’s brief foray into super-sleuthing Veronica Mars territory wasn’t a total  wash, however.  She did manage to accidentally reveal Diana Mc Slutty Slut as Chuck’s real bio mom . . . a real that seemed to be a “Shocking Suprise” to the good fictional folks of the UES, even though it neither shocked nor surprised anyone who actually watches Gossip Girl.

Poor Chuck!  Is there anyone on this show who hasn’t abandoned my Baby Bass?

*clears throat*

Well . . . aside from Nate, of course . . .

 Ah . . . bromance

Though Chuck’s initial reaction to this reveal was to run like heck, eventually, he did manage to sit down for an adult heart-to-heart, with Whorey van Whoreson.  Of course, it wasn’t long before mother and child were forced to grapple with the overwhelmingly ickly realization that Chuck’s mommy had been porking his best friend and roommate just inches away from where Chuck slept.  “I was planning on watching you from afar,” Diana said.

“Nate’s bed isn’t that far,” Chuck quipped.  (Well, she sure walked right into that one!)

Ahhh . . . good ole Chuck . . . always bringing the funny, even though he just foun out his mom is a slutty child molester from a video uploaded to his cell phone by a Special Guest Star, and the love of his life is dating a donut with Chia Pet hair . . .

In other much less interesting news, Blair and the Donut had the Lamest Coming Out Party ever . . . In fact, it was soooo bad, they both had to leave at the same time “to get ice.”  (You know a party is crap, when the hosts can’t even wait to leave it.)  To make matters worse, the Happy Couple, couldn’t even be bothered to invite their REAL friends, the Non-Judging Breakfast club to their party.  Of course, the crew ended up crashing anyway.  But it didn’t save the lameness of the event . . . or this increasingly sour storyline . . .

You know what might have saved this party though . . . some dancing . . .maybe even a little disco dancing.

Glee – “Saturday Night Gleever”

The few of you out there, who used to read my Gleecaps know that the show and I haven’t exactly been speaking terms lately.  And yet, each week, I always manage to find some aspect of the episode that I love.  This week my heart went out to a sassy cross dresser named Unique, and her Boogie, Boogie Shoes . . .

Also, Lord Tubbington made an appearance . . . the fat cat, who to this day, remains my favorite Glee character of all time.  I mean, just look at how talented this cat is!  And how many cats do YOU know who can actually say they were in a sex tape . . .

Source 

Speaking of sex tapes, Brittany might not always show her love for Santana in the best ways, but you have to know that her and Santana’s road to slutty stardom was paved with excellent intentions.  And when you think about it, Brittany’s right.  Having a sex tape, and going on weird reality shows is the most surefire way to become famous these days.  Just ask the Kardashians .  . .

Source

I also love that Brittany came up with the idea to apply Santana for a cheerleading college scholarship, though I suspect it was actually Sue who penned the application, and possibly wrote the essay too.  After all, it would take a VERY liberal, liberal arts college to accept a higher education application that was written in crayon, and featured a hand-drawn picture of Lord Tubbington on the bottom . . .

It would be easy to write Brittany off as “just another stereotypical dumb blonde.”  And yet, the character can be surprisingly astute sometimes, especially when it comes to Santana.  Perhaps, a more accurate way to describe Brittany would be “childlike.”  Speaking of children . . .

New Girl – “Kids”

Source 

Ahhh, if it isn’t the “my period is late, and now I have to reevaluate my life priorities” Baby Scare Storyline.  We’ve all seen it about a million times before.  And yet, there really is no fake baby like a Fake Schmidt Baby, who requires his very own Douche Baby Jar.

But Cece isn’t the only cast member contemplating her ablity to be a mom.  Jess too is forced to take on the role of the Dreaded Adult, when she is asked to babysit Russell’s 11-year old Sarah.  But Sarah isn’t just your ordinary, garden variety 11-year old. In fact, she just so happens to share the collective brain of every Nick fangirl who watches this show.

Source

That’s right New Girlian’s!  Sarah thinks Nick is SUPER HOT . . . even though his eyes look “like poop.”

Source 

Truth be told, she would very much like to “rub [her] face all over his face” (but not all over his eyes . . . you know, because of the whole “poop” thing).  Sarah’s episode-long love for Nick is great for the show, for a few reasons.  For starters, she gets Jess to admit that Nick is hot, “in a rumpled, small town PI-kind of way.”

Source 

Sarah also seems to singlehandedly break Nick of his already three-or-four episode long habit of dating college girls, by inadvertently showing him JUST how much younger than him they actually are.  (Hint: His current date used to ride the school bus with Sarah.)

Source 

But, best of all, Sarah’s little temper tantrum, get’s Nick and Jess to sit on the floor together,  outside their bedroom door, stare dreamily into one another’s eyes,  and each confess to Sarah why they are both so terrible for OTHER people to date, while, at the same time, proving just how perfect they are for ONE ANOTHER to date.

Source 

So, hooray for Sarah.  But I still can’t figure out how she was spawned from these two .  . .

I mean, red-headedness is supposed to be a recessive trait, right?

Oh, and, just in case you were curious, Cece and Schmidt aren’t pregnant.  So, there little “caramel miracle-to be” may have to wait another season.

Source

Better luck next time, Future Schmidt Baby!

[www.juliekushner.com][Fangirls Forever]

16 Comments

Filed under Game of Thrones, Glee, Gossip Girl, Mad Men, New Girl

The Lazy Recapper Takes On This Week’s Once Upon a Time, Mad Men, Game of Thrones, Gossip Girl, New Girl, and The Big Bang Theory (in ONE post!)

Source

Don’t you hate it when your personal life gets in the way of you fulfilling your blogging responsibilities?

I know, I DO!  But just because I haven’t been updating you each day with 5,000-word in-depth analyses of various TV shows I watch, doesn’t mean I haven’t been watching television.  After all, I firmly believe that, no matter how busy you are, there is ALWAYS time for television . . .

That is why, this week, instead of merely recapping one or two of the shows I watched, I will recap EVERY SINGLE SOLITARY ONE but in a half-assed way, that waters them down to one or two punchlines, a piece.

Well, I don’t care if you’re impressed, DAMON SALVATORE!  I’m going to do it,  anyway!  (Besides, YOUR show is on hiatus.  So, what do YOU care?)

So, without further adieu I proudly present to you, The Lazy Recapper’s Guide to Television for the Week of April 2nd . . .

Once Upon a Time – “The Stable Boy”

This week on Once Upon a Time, I learned that I should never tell little girls my secrets . . .

“You can trust me!  I’m a Disney Princess!”

Because, if I tell a little girl my secret, I will probably become evil, for all eternity (and start wearing WAY too much mascara) . . .

Also, my blue collar boyfriend with the heart of gold will DIE . . .

Source 

And I will cope with it, by removing all my neighbors’ hearts, and putting them in little individual jewelry boxes.  This way, whenever I’m having a bad day, I can take one out, and do this to it . . .

 I also learned that the little girl who briefly played Max on Wizards of Waverly place is kind of an AMAZING actress.  (She also might very well be Ginnifer Goodwin’s Time-Traveling Doppelganger.)

Source

P.S. So, it turns out, Prince Charming’s ex-wife isn’t quite as “dead” as we once thought she was.  (However, after spending over a week wandering the woods aimlessly, she probably smells a bit like death.)

Source 

Zombie?

Mad Men – Tea Leaves

Here’s an interesting tidbit of information for you.  Did you know that Jared Gilmore, the kid who plays Henry Mills on Once Upon a Time, used to play Bobby Draper on Mad Men?

Unfortunately, the performance itself wasn’t all that memorable.  This has less to do with Jared Gilmore’s acting abilities, and more to do with “Bobby Draper” as a character.  For one thing, the kid is, for all intents and purposes, a selective mute, and has probably said about five lines in as many seasons of the show.  Also, the producers seem to change the actor who plays Bobby every few episodes.  (They are already on their fourth.)

Nonetheless, Jared Gilmore did manage to leave his mark on Mad Men, by famously tattling to the press about what a heinous biatch January Jones was to him, while he was on set.

Source 

“Take THAT, Snow White’s grandkid!”

Well, you know how it is when people are REALLY mean to you, right?  You can’t help but feel the slightest bit of guilty glee, when they eventually get what’s coming to them . .  .

So, you could imagine how psyched Jared Gilmore probably was, when he turned on Mad Men this week (assuming it’s not on after his bed time), and saw THIS . . .

That’s right, boys and girls!  The once-modelesque, ice queen, Betty Draper nee Francis now wears your grandma’s house coats, and steals her own daughter’s ice cream sundaes, after the latter leaves the dinner table.  (She also, as it turns out, DOESN’T have a deadly disease.  So, you can post pictures like the one above on your blog, without feeling like a total cretin for doing so.)

Somewhere in Hollywood, Jared Gilmore is fist pumping for joy . . .

Source 

Also this week on Mad Men, Sterling Cooper Draper Price hired its first Jewish employee.  Happy Passover!

Sure, Michael Ginsburg is a bit on the “socially awkward” side.  But he’s a smart guy.  And I think he’ll fit in at the firm just fine . . . provided he stops stealing jackets from Pete Campbell’s wardrobe . . .

Source

I mean, let’s face it, you REALLY don’t want to mess with Pete.  The dude keeps a hunting rifle under his desk, for crying out loud . . .

Speaking of socially awkward people who dress badly . . .

The Big Bang Theory – “The Hawking Excitation”

So . . . um . . . this happened . .  .

 Source

And all I could think to myself was that Jim Parsons has some really well-toned legs!  He must do Pilates.  Or . . . maybe he takes those pills you hear about on late night infomercials . . . you know, the ones that make you .  . . bigger.

Source

Or . . . maybe not.  But while Sheldon’s weiner thigh muscles showed some signs of growth this week, his ego most certainly did not.  From having to wash the pee off Howard’s many belt buckles, to having to stuff Howard’s rotund mother in a teeny tiny dress, having to wear a French Maid costume was the least of Sheldon’s problems, this week.  And if all that didn’t drum up pity in your heart for the genius from Apartment 4A, then I suspect this will . .  .

Source

In other Disconcerting Revelations News . . .

New Girl – “Secrets”

Schmidt’s and Cece’s “secret relationship” isn’t such a “secret anymore.”

Source

Source 

Nick didn’t exactly take the news well . . .

Source 

Source 

Jess didn’t take the news well either . . .

Source 

And yet, I’d say that she took the news that all the guys in the house had “self-completed” while thinking about her, much worse .  . .

“Come on Cece, the boys are busy slapping their salamies.  Let’s go rob some banks.” 

(Of course, we all know that Jess secretly LOVES the idea that Nick frequently self-completes, while thinking about her.  She’s not fooling anybody.)

 Source

Speaking of people who are going to have to do a lot more “self-completing” in the future . . .

Gossip Girl – “Con Heir”

It turns out that Chuck Bass’ often malevolent (but still totally awesome) Uncle Jack shouldn’t really be exchanging bodily fluids with ANYONE but himself .  . .

Source

And that means it’s safe to say that Uncle Jack’s blood wasn’t what saved Chuck’s life, back when he was still with Blair, before the show went to Hell in a Prada bag . . .

Source

Many viewers now suspect that the real source of Chuck Bass’ lifeblood was his secret bio mom, and Nate’s former screw toy, Diana, who not-so-coincidentally will be returning to the show, next week . . .

Personally, my money is on Damon Salvatore.  We all know how much he likes to “share” his lifeblood with the dying . .  .

Source

(Come to think of it, Chuck HAS been looking a bit pale,  lately . . .)

In other news, Blair Waldorf learned that the only way to make sex with Donut Dan Humphrey passable is to get drunk enough, and travel to a dark enough alley, that she can make herself believe she’s actually doing it with Chuck Bass . . .

Speaking of people who shouldn’t be having sex . . .

Game of Thrones – “The North Remembers”

This guy . . .

Source

 . . . is the poster child for why incest is BAAAAAAADDDD . . .

Source 

Dear readers, please, please, PLEASE do not have sex with your siblings.  I don’t care HOW hot they are . . .

 Source

Draco Malfoy’s Evil-er twin, Joffrey Baratheon’s douchebagginess knows NO bounds .  . .

Source 

Source 

You know, in most cases I am a staunch opponent of corporal punishment.  Hitting kids is WRONG, DAMMIT  . . . but in this case . . . I’d be willing to make an exception . . .

Source 

Coincidentally, if you live in Westeros and happen to have had sex with the late King Baratheon at any time during the last . . . oh, twenty or so years, I have a little piece of advice for you . . .

Yep, there sure were a lot of DEAD BASTARD BABIES in this week’s episode of Game of Thrones.  It was rather disturbing . . .

And yet, when it happened, somehow I didn’t cry quite as much as I did back in the pilot episode, when they killed Sansa’s pet wolf.

Puppies make me mushy.  Babies?  Meh! 

Clearly, I’m an awful human being . . .

P.S. Tyrion Lannister, if you are reading this . . . CALL ME!  (We can be short and snarky together!)

Source

 And that was the Lazy Recapper’s TV Week in review.  So, tell me, what did YOU watch on TV this week?

[www.juliekushner.com][Fangirls Forever]

13 Comments

Filed under Game of Thrones, Gossip Girl, Mad Men, New Girl, Once Upon a Time, The Big Bang Theory