During the last episode of Glee, we learned that alcohol is fun. But if you drink it at school, you WILL projectile vomit all over your friends in a public setting. And if you drink too much of it, you will drunk dial your ex, or, maybe, accidentally, your greatest enemy, and tell them that you were thinking about boning them, while riding a bull . . .
This week, we learned that sex is fun. But there are “feelings” involved. And you shouldn’t make sex tapes, if you are under 18. Oh, also, wear condoms. Because everyone has . . . a “RANDOM.”
And they said Glee wasn’t educational!
So, slip into something “more comfortable,” dim the lights, and snuggle up under the covers, with you know WHO . . .
. . . because it’s time to get “Sexy.”
You Put Your Chastity Charm WHERE?
The episode begins at a meeting of the McKinley High Chastity Club . . . well, I use the term “club” loosely. Since, at least at the beginning of the episode, the “club” only has three members. And one of those members pretty much gets humped at least twice every episode . . .
Those balls won’t be blue for LONG!
Emma, the MARRIED 30-year old sex abstainer, seems vehement about fellow members, Rachel and Quinn, avoiding sexual activity for as long as humanly possible. (Hate to break it to you, Emma. But for the GIRL WHO HAD A BABY, that ship has sailed . . . around the world . . . three times . . . and sank into the ocean.) The problem with Emma’s celibacy speech, is that it seems less designed to keep her students safe, and more designed to keep them virginal, simply so SHE doesn’t feel “left out.”
More inspired than Emma’s speech, however, are the “chastity charms” she gives members of the Celibacy Club, and, it seems, anyone else who wants one. The charms feature a heart-shaped locket and a key. Of course, Emma is horrified when she learns that the charms are being used as nipple rings . . .
“Omigod! They look like cow udders!”
Really, McKinley High students? Because, honestly, I can think of a WAY more appropriately symbolic place to hang your chastity charm than on your boob, if you catch my drift . . .
In the student lounge at lunch time, Emma complains to Will and Beiste about the alarming sluttiness of the student body. Cue the very slutty entrance of Holly Holiday a.k.a Gwyneth Paltrow a.k.a. McKinley High’s New Substitute Sex Ed Teacher . . .
Now, cue the 21-Gun Salute that takes place in Will’s pants . . .
Like Emma, Holly is also concerned with her students’ relationship with sex, namely, their lack of knowledge about it. Through a flashback, we see Holly showing her class how to put a condom on a cucumber. “Wait . . . cucumbers can give me AIDS?” Finn inquires nervously.
Beware the Evil Aids-Giving Cucumber.
Emma and Holly then get into an argument about the proper way to teach kids about sex. Emma believes in NOT teaching them, and, instead, preaching abstinence. Holly argues that celibacy for teens
and married 30-year old guidance counselors is simply not realistic. However, if you are open and honest with students about sex, they can make better decisions relating to it. Holly then tells the crew that she is “off to have crazy sex, because she is crazy informed about it.”
Upon hearing this, Will gets down on all fours, and starts panting like a dog . . .
OH NO! NOT ANOTHER PREGNANCY STORYLINE! Oh . . . wait . . . nevermind.
Back at school, Santana wants to spend an evening sharing Lady Kisses and watching Sweet Valley High with Brittany, even though I’m pretty sure that show hasn’t been on television in about 10 years. (Maybe one of the Glee writers was a fan?) But, unfortunately, Britt can’t hang, because she thinks she’s pregnant . . .
“OH NO, NOT AGAIN!”
Of course, rumors of Britt’s Shocking Pregnancy spread around the Glee club, like wildfire. But when Brittney explains that the REASON she think she’s pregnant is that there is a “stork’s nest outside her bedroom window,” Will comes to the shocking realization that Holly was right. His students are TOTALLY clueless about sex! And so, he puts on a ridiculous-looking leotard, and asks Holly for help. (Note: I couldn’t find a a screencap of Will in his nut-hugger. Suffice it to say, he looked a lot like this . . .)
Holly decides that singing a sexual song to the Glee kids, while dressed in a trampy outfit, and humping chairs, is the best way to teach them the birds and the bees.
So, after a very brief introduction . . .
. . . she launches into a rockin’ rendition of the song “Do You Wanna Touch Me?”
The moral of this song, of course, is McKinley High apparently has NO school dress code whatsoever wear a RUBBER, BOYS! Because everyone has “A Random!”
Practice Makes Perfect Sex Faces . . .
We find Blaine and Kurt at . . . SURPRISE . . . the coffee shop! (Man these two consume a lot of caffeine!) Sue Sylvester stalks them there, and inexplicably tells them that
they have to sing a sexy song in order to be relevant to the episode’s theme the McKinley High kids are upping their sex appeal. So, if the Warblers want to win Regionals, they will have to do the same . . .
But what do the Warbler boys know about being sexy? After all, most of them haven’t seen a FEMALE in about four years, let alone “wet hugged” one! So, Blaine decides to invite over some females from the local girl school to “test the waters” . . .
I bet there are about EIGHT porno films that begin just like this . . .
With their human sexy barometers in place, the Dalton boys begin rocking out to “Animal” . . . and . . . SURPRISE . . . Blaine’s got the solo . . . again! But wait . . . Kurt’s there too!
But . . . why does Kurt look like he has to pee?
Perhaps, it has something to do with all the water . . . and foam . . . and Warbler “Wet Hugs” . . .
You can watch the Warblers, in all their humpy, soapy, animal-y goodness, right here:
After the number, Kurt and Blaine are alone together again. (Does anyone else notice how, ever since Kurt arrived at Dalton, Blaine has stopped hanging out with any of the other Warblers? Interesting . . .) Blaine
starts having hot horny bunny sex with Kurt wants to know why Kurt was making all those weird faces during the performance? Kurt explains that those were his “sexy” faces. So, Blaine asks to see them up close, so that he can judge for himself . . .
Unfortunately, for Kurt, his “sex faces” don’t really make Blaine want to give him a “Wet Hug.” Rather, they remind him of someone who has gas . . .
For what it’s worth, I disagree with Blaine. I think Kurt’s “Sex Face” looks more like a cross between Derek Zoolander . . .
. . . and Charlie Sheen . . .
Either way . . . NOT SEXY!
The problem, of course, is that Kurt has NO sexual experience, whatsoever. I mean, his idea of a hot porno is the Dalton Academy’s production of Sound of Music . . .
Blaine figures, if he ever plans to “Wet Hug” with Kurt, he’d better nip this issue in the weiner . . . FAST. And so he attacks the problem at its source, by visiting Kurt’s dad . . .
Blaine starts by telling Burt how envious he is of the great relationship he and Kurt share. (I think most of us are a bit envious of that, actually.) Then he lets the other shoe drop. If Burt doesn’t hurry up and give Kurt the “birds and the bees ” talk, there’s a good chance that his son will learn about sex
from boning Blaine by watching those Eating Out movies they are always showing on the Logo channel, late at night . . .
As a straight girl, can I tell you? These are SO HOT! (The acting is usually crap, of course. But, let’s be honest. That’s not why you’re watching.)
So, Burt, being the kickass dad he is, goes out and picks up some pamphlets. And then he tells his son that it’s time for The Talk . . .
Needless to say, Kurt is not particularly receptive, at first. But then Burt reigns him in by giving him the BEST SEX TALK EVER! I mean seriously, if I ever have kids, THIS is the Sex Talk, I’m going to give them . . . well . . . maybe a slightly modified version . . .
Here are the highlights:
“You know, when you’re intimate with somebody in that way, you’re exposing yourself. You’re definitely going to be more vulnerable. And that scares the hell out of a lot of guys. . . . Once you start doing this stuff, you’re not going to want to stop. You just . . . You’ve got to know that it means something. It’s doing something to you, to your heart, to your self-esteem. Even though it feels like you’re just having fun. Kurt, when you’re ready, I want you to be able to do everything. But when you’re ready, I want you to use it as a way to connect to another person. Don’t throw yourself around like you don’t matter. Because you matter, Kurt.”
All together now, “AWWWWWWWWWWWW!”
(Did you ever wish you could hug someone through your television screen? Because that’s what I wanted to do to Burt Hummel, after this scene was over.)
In other Sexy news . . .
“You’ve just been Zized!”
So, Puck wants to star in a sex tape . . .
. . . with Lauren Zizes . . .
Apparently, this is all part of Lauren’s “big plan” to be “famous,” like the “Kardashians,” and have her “own reality show” with a “clever tagline” : “You’ve just been Zized.”
The most bizarre part of this whole storyline for me (aside from the obvious, of course) was that Puck and Lauren “researched” their sex tape, by watching other sex tapes on the internet in the SCHOOL LIBRARY. (Public School FAIL!) They also conveniently told Ms. Holiday about their plans, when she caught them in the act . . . of watching the tapes. (What did you think I was going to say?)
Holly helpfully informed the budding new couple that, if they made a sex tape, they would both be guilty of CHILD PORN. Having been accused of being a creepy pedophile by his OWN SEX ED teacher, a clearly traumatized Puck finds himself, for the first time in his life, NOT WANTING TO HAVE SEX!
You would think that GETTING A GIRL PREGNANT last season would have the same effect on him . . . but no.
So, Puck joins the Celibacy Club . . .
. . . which seriously pisses off his horndog girlfriend . . . that is, until she learns that he “like, cares about her . . . and stuff.”
PUCK: “Haha, my evil plan has worked! I am so getting laid tonight!”
Meanwhile . . .
Boys are like Wasa Crackers.
Best . . . product placement . . . EVER!
Ahhh . . . Will Schuester . . . such a martyr. Once again he is trying to get laid . . . to educate his students, of course! So, being the “Swell Guy” he is, The Schue commandeers Holly for a little musical number, specifically, a tango, to the tune of Prince’s Kiss . . .
You can tell immediately that Will is extremely aroused during this performance. For starters, his singing voice gets so high that you literally can’t tell it apart from Holly’s. (Yes, I realize that Prince, himself, had a high voice. And that this was the whole point of the musical number . . . But I still found it bizarre. Sorry!)
The dancing was pretty hot, though! Watch, and you’ll see what I mean . . .
After the number, Will takes the opportunity to ask a sweated up Holly Holiday on a date. And she TURNS HIS ASS DOWN!
“I break Nice Guys like you, like Wasa Crackers,” Holly explains. “You married your high school sweetheart, and then went out with a virgin,” Holly notes, adding insult to injury. (You’ve got to admit. Girlfriend’s got a point!)
Speaking of virgins . . .
Emma has herself an Afternoon Delight . . .
Concerned that Holly’s teachings are only offering teens one viewpoint about sex, Emma decides to lead the Celibacy Club in their own musical number, to illustrate an alternate way of thinking. With the help of Rachel, Quinn, new Celibacy Club member, Puck, and her new husband, Carl, Emma performs “Afternoon Delight.”
Watching this not-very-good musical number, I must admit that I was . . . confused. To give you an idea of just how confused I was, here are some of the recapping notes I took, during the performance:
-Why are they singing Afternoon Delight? Is the choice of song supposed to be ironic in some way? Wouldn’t a song like Meatloaf’s “Paradise by the Dashboard Light,” a.k.a. A Cautionary Tale About Car Sex, be more appropriate for this purpose?
-Why are there pictures of dessert in the background? That’s kind of kinky!
-Why are they dressed like THAT?
-Why is Emma so friggin annoying? I kind of feel like the Emma character unintentionally functions as the Poster Child for Teen Sex. In other words, “have sex young, or you will end up like Emma.” Way to send positive messages, GLEE!
Of course, after the musical number, all is explained. (Well . . . almost all.) You see, apparently, Afternoon Delight, is not just a euphemism for “sex on your lunch hour,” it is also . . . a DESSERT, which, when you think about it, is kind of fitting!
Later, Carl and Emma decide to visit Holly for some much-needed “couples’ counseling.”
As it turns out, these two have been married for HALF A YEAR, and still have NEVER HAD SEX WITH ONE ANOTHER! See what I mean . . . about the whole Giving Virgins a Bad Name thing? I mean, “waiting until marriage” is one thing . . . waiting until your Golden Anniversary, is quite another. In the words of Jesse from Full House, himself. “Have MERCYYYYYY!”
I’ll admit I made this exact same face, while I was watching this scene.
Holly perceptively figures out that Emma’s longstanding love for Will, might be the glue that’s keeping her legs together. When Holly suggests as much to Emma, the latter can’t deny it. The realization forces Carl to storm out of the room, and possibly the marriage . . . something a Smart Guy would have done SIX MONTHS AGO . . .
“I could have told him THAT!”
In completely unrelated news, that doesn’t fit anywhere else in this recap . . .
. . . these two doofuses are making monkey again. (I wonder where SHE hung HER Chastity Charm?)
Speaking of making monkey . . .
Brittana Experiences a Landslide of Emotions
Last we checked, Brittany was dating Artie. And Santana was dating Sam. But that’s not stopping these two former Cheerios from boning in Santana’s bedroom on a fairly regular basis . . .
But don’t worry, guys! It’s not cheating, if the “plumbing is different!” At least, that’s what Santana says! (Speaking of which, I have a clogged toilet that needs fixing. Now, I know who to call!)
In a surprisingly coherent post-coital moment, Brittany complains to Santana that all they do is bone. And they never talk about their feelings. But Santana is not exactly the sharing type. And she tells Brittany as much. Nevertheless, the girls decide to visit Holly Holiday for their own version of couples’ counseling. So, Holly plops the pair down in a Sexy Sharing Circle . . .
. . . and asks them if they think they might be lesbians. The Sharing Scene, by the way, is accompanied by Rotating Camera Shots, which always make me dizzy and slightly nauseous. This scene was no exception. (WHY MUST SHOWS ALWAYS DO THIS? WHY?!)
Anywhoo . . . since the girls can’t articulate their feelings for one another, Holly suggests they sing about it. And they do . . . with Holly’s help, of course.
Because, apparently, it is in Gwyneth’s contract that she must perform at least three musical numbers during each Glee episode in which she appears to prove that she is a “Real Artist” . . . or something. So, Holly sings “Landslide,” while the two besties exchange tearful and longing looks with one another. It’s kind of heartbreaking, really.
At the end of the number, Brittany and Santana share a hug, laced with emotion and symbolism . . .
Upon seeing this, Sam turns to Artie and says that he wishes that the two of them can have a relationship as close as the one their respective girlfriends share . . . (And you’ve gotta love the latent homoeroticism in THAT!)
After class, Santana confronts Brittany by the lockers.
She then tearfully explains to Brittany that she loves her, and wants to be with her, and ONLY her. In fact, Santana has wanted this for a long time, but was afraid of what people would say about her behind her back, if she submitted to these desires. Brittany admits to Santana that she loves her too, and would totally be with her . . . if it weren’t for Artie.
“Whoever thought being fluid would mean you could be so stuck,” Santana explains morosely.
Brittany then moves in to hug her again, but a heartbroken Santana pushes her away.
It was a powerful scene. One that was beautifully acted by both Naya Rivera and Heather Morris. It’s refreshing to see these two actresses finally getting the chance to display themselves as more than just The Comic Relief. And I hope we get to see more scenes like this between them in the future.
In other news, Will and Holly made out at the end of this episode. Now, they are dating.
Next week on Glee, New Directions heads to Regionals with “Original Songs.” You can watch the promo for the episode here:
See you then, my fellow Gleeks!