This week, we bid farewell to the most adorable of Shaggydog(s) and the most odious of Olliepops. Also, Jon Snow has a small dong. Dany meets a Dothraki Regina George. And Bran realizes that playing Back to the Future could have Butterfly Effect consequences Ashton Kutcher never dreamed of!
Let’s review, shall we, Westeros?
[A special thanks to my pal Andre for what everyone knows is the best part of any recap . . . the pretty pictures]
Jon Snow: Naked, Afraid, and Not Quite As Well Endowed as We Had Hoped
Jon Snow . . . no longer dead, but still very, very naked!
There is nothing like being murdered in cold blood, and awakened from the great beyond by a really, really ridiculously old lady to make you appreciate the importance of a good pair of pants.
When John first attempts to stand on his feet, he collapses instantly, and has to be positioned upright again by his old friend Davos. This is because Death can be hell on your physical fitness regimen. Fortunately for Jon Snow, being Dead also apparently does wonders for your six pack abs! Weird!
Once Jon has acclimated himself to the World of the Living once again, Davos says to him, what we’ve all been thinking. (Or, at least, what we WOULD all be thinking, if we hadn’t been totally certain the GOT writers wouldn’t permanently kill off this very important character, with so much of their series still remaining . . .)
As for that religious nut, Melissandre, she, of course is most interested in learning whether there is, in fact, life after death . . . but not in the “Jon Snow was dead, now he’s alive” sense . . . more in the Heaven or Hell, sense.
To this Jon responds, “Girl, are you kidding? I just spent these past few days binge watching Girls on HBO. And if watching Lena Dunham get naked on screen and dance badly for hours on end while contemplating her navel isn’t enough to prove to you that Heaven just doesn’t exist, I don’t know what will.”
This is actually what Hell Looks Like . . .
Eventually Jon emerges from his hidey hole to reveal his rebirth to his fellow Knights Watchmen (at least the ones who didn’t recently temporarily succeed in killing him) and erstwhile allies, the Wildlings. Tormund, my absolute favorite Wildling (sorry Ygritte and Gilly), approaches Jon first. Jon Snow’s rebirth from the grave and possible zombification does not scare Tormund. The ginger Wildling knows that his former friend is not evil. After all, Evil has a Big Penis, and Jon Snow, well . . . he has . . . a really nice smile . . .
Jon’s loyal confidant Ed is less certain. Though Jon’s eyes aren’t blue like the zombie white walkers, he does seem to be sporting a trait he never exhibited during his life time . . . a sense of humor.
And that’s a good thing, because when you have a small dong, being funny is the only shot you are ever going to have at getting laid . . .
Speaking of not being able to climax . . .
More Blue Balls for Bran
This week’s flashbacks bring Bran to his father’s storied battle with the well-renown swordsman, Ser Arthur Dayne. We find a younger (hotter, gingerier) Ned’s Stark and his men, including Meera’s dad, Howland Reed, galloping toward the oddly named Tower of Joy to rescue Ned’s sis Lyanna from the “evil” clutches of one R. Targaryen.
Bran is surprised at how crappy his dad is at fighting in comparison to the Great Dayne (no pun intended). But, spoiler alert, he knows his father lives on at least long enough to give birth to a few spawn, start to resemble actor Sean Bean, and get his head chopped off by the Lannisters. The question is: how did Ned manage to beat a swordsman who was so much better than he?
The answer arrives not long into the flashback, when the presumed dead Howland rises to stab Dayne in the back, saving Ned from a fate of certain death.
Ouch! Ned Stark may have lost his head (literally) in the Game of Thrones, but, at least, up until this point, his honor was beyond reproach. Now, not so much . . .
But Ned has little time to ponder the morality of an unfair fight, as he hears the cries of his sister coming from on top of the Tower of Joy. Is Lyanna crying in agony? Is she crying in ecstasy? Is she giving birth to a baby Jon Snow, as many fans have suspected? Flashback Hot Ned rushes to find out, and Bran calls out to him, almost on impulse, because he’s just as curious as the rest of us as to what’s inside that tower.
There’s this odd moment when Ned appears to hear his son’s cries, and turns in their direction, causing us fans to wonder just how passive our young protagonist is during his milky-eyed warging jaunts. If people can see and interact with Bran, while he’s time traveling, can he change the future? Can he stop his dad from being beheaded, his older brother from being brutally murdered, his sister from being raped? Can he stop himself from becoming paralyzed from the waist down? The possibilities are endless.
But those are all thoughts for later. Right now, Bran (and us viewers) REALLY want to get to the top of that tower! So, of course, you can count on that old dude in the tree to pull us back to dull flaccidity, just when we are about to come . . . to a satisfying conclusion.
Olenna to Cersei: “You Can’t Sit With Us!”
Meanwhile, over in Kings Landing, Cersei is also not getting any satisfaction. When she and Jamie try to sit on their own son’s King’s Council, that BAMF Olenna tosses them both enough SHADE to render them Vitamin D deficient for a lifetime. First, she chides them for not having a direct line to their son on the throne. Then, she plays the incest card, because, really, Cersei and Jamie just make it too easy. They even have the same haircut now!
But the absolute worst slap in the face for the Lannister twins comes when the entire King’s Council up and abandons them to have their meeting elsewhere. Cersei and Jamie, if Kings Landing was a Facebook page, you’ve both just been Bulk Unfriended!
Speaking of massive dips in popularity . . .
Dothraki Widows to Dany: “On Wednesday’s we wear black . . . also Thursdays, Fridays, Saturdays and Sundays.”
When we last left Dany in Dothraki territory, she was busy learning the tough lesson that being the Mother of Dragons and having perpetually salon-styled hair, even in desert-level humidity, does little to help you make friends and influence people, especially when those people are the kind of people who eat horse hearts for shits and giggles. (But probably more of the former, than the latter, because Stallion hearts cause major indigestion . . . or so I hear.)
When Dany first encounters the Dothraki widows, those nasty bullies strip her of her trademark blue gown, and replace it with a black dress. And I’m not talking about a little cute black dress either. I’m talking about a “your husband died, and now nobody should look at you like a sex object for all of eternity” black dress.
But being unpopular with the mean girls, and forced to dress like an uncool nun are the least of Dany’s problems. According to the head Dothraki widow (who kind of reminds me of what Regina George will look like in 35 years, after her fourth divorce, and twenty-fourth failed round of plastic surgery), Dany would be LUCKY to lead a sexless existence with the Dothraki ladyfolk. As it turns out, by leaving the Dothraki after Khal Drogo died in exchange for greener, dragonier pastures, Dany has broken an oath, and the punishment for such oathbreaking may very well be death . . .
In Which We Finally Figure Out Who Those Friggin Birds Are that Varys is Always Talking About
Speaking of oathbreakers, while a bored Tyrion attempts to convince his teetotaling pals, Greyworm and Missandrei to engage him in a raucous round of “Never Have I Ever,” Varys, thanks to his “little birds” has managed to track down a conspirator of the Sons of the Harpy, who he offers passage to freedom, in exchange for who happens to be funding them.
The traitorous snitch reveals that the Sons are funded by not one, not two, but three of Mereen’s neighboring cities. Varys is going to need a lot of birds to put down a rebellion like that.
Fortunately, Varys’ little birds just so happen to be the cast of Sesame Street, so there are literally thousands of them at his disposal.
Unfortunately, Cersei has found those birds too, and has decided to use them to be her own spies in Kings Landing. This way, she can have her zombie friend, the Mountain, continue to murder anyone who has the gall to speak against her.
Looks like little birds may not be enough for Varys to get what he wants this time. This seems like a job for a Big Bird!
In Which the Actor Who Plays Sam Tarley Perfects His Vomit Noises On Camera
For those of you who felt like there wasn’t nearly enough puke on Game of Thrones, there’s an entire scene dedicated completely to Samwell Tarley’s seasick upchucks! Apparently, Sam is on a boat headed first, to his childhood home to drop of Gilly and her baby for safekeeping, and then, to Old Town, where he will learn to become a Maester.
At first, Gilly is cross with Sam for making her and her kid go to his boring house with the Durstleys, rather than cool Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Maester-dry. But ultimately she relents, because Sam is her family. And family members don’t blame you for puking on their only pair of shoes, and shipping them off to the worst chapters in every Harry Potter book, while they go off on their Gryffindor adventures with Ron and Hermione. They just don’t.
The Eyes Have It!
Over at Burgerless White Castle, we get to watch Blind Arya get the crap beat out of her repeatedly by that red-head chick for the third week in a row! But this week, things are different, now Arya gets to get the crap beat out of her by a red-head chick, while reciting the Cliff Notes version of the Arya-stark centric chapters of the first few Game of Thrones books, and sniffing pots.
When Arya is done doing this Jagen Hgar rewards her by letting her drink from the fountain that kills people. (If I were Arya, I would have probably asked for some chicken nuggets and fries instead of the Death Water. But that’s probably because I’m not NO ONE, I’m just a nobody blogger with a hankering for fast food.) Arya is apparently NO ONE, however, and the death water actually succeeds in helping her to regain her vision.
Thank goodness. Now, we maybe we won’t have to watch her get beat up so much, anymore!
Please Stop Killing All The Adorable Direwolves on This Show!
Meanwhile, over in Winterfell, the new Lord Bolton, Ramsey, is convening with the Carstarks. They are much like the actual Starks, only Car-ier, also way bigger dicks. To prove this, one of the Carstarks offers Ramsey the gift of Rickon Stark and Meera, who have been missing for roughly a gagillion seasons . . . i.e. long enough for Rickon Stark to turn into Justin Bieber.
“How do I know that this is actually Rickon Stark, and not just some boy bander, you plucked off the concert circuit?” Ramsey wonders out loud.
Carstark then offers Ramsey the head of Rickon’s direwolf, Shaggydog, who is now looking way less like Shaggydog, and way more like Decapitated Dog.
What the heck? Carstark, you prick! What did the Justin Bieber Lokalike’s direwolf ever do to you?
You know what direwolf murderers like you deserve? You deserve to be OLLIEPOPPED!
Please Continue Murdering All The Little Shits Like Olliepop on This Show!
Back at the Wall, Jon Snow is about to prove to us viewers for the second time since this show started that we are terrible human beings. Remember that time when that little shit Joffrey got poisoned, and his face turned all purple, and he died a terrible, horrible death, and then his parents boned on his casket, and we all cheered so much?
Well, GOT fans, I present to you, Little Shit Death 2: Electric Boogaloo.
It’s time for Jon to hang those asshats who stabbed him to death last season. There are only five guys strung up for all to see, even though I distinctly remember more people than that doing the stabbing. Perhaps, GOT needed to conserve its hanging people budget for more scenes with the dragons . . .
Before Jon kills his betrayers, he diplomatically offers them all the opportunity to give their last words. Thorne, even facing his own demise, remains self-righteous to the end in his insistence that he made the right decision by killing Jon, which I weirdly respect. Olliepop on the other hand, that little shit, just has this constipated look on his face the whole time, and says nothing.
So, when Jon hangs them all with one fell swipe of the sword, of course, it’s Little Shit Olliepop’s purple wide-eyed corpse face the camera lingers on for a full five minutes, before the camera cuts to something else. It’s positively glorious. And those of you who say you didn’t enjoy watching it are lying to yourselves.
It makes Jon Snow sad though, because Jon Snow is a way better person than I am. This is probably why, when I go, there for sure, won’t be any old lady washing my naked body, and bringing ME back from the great beyond.
When it’s all over, Jon offers Edd his cloak, and leaves Castle Black for good, claiming, “My watch has ended,” which, for any of you planning to quit your job in the near future, is pretty much the coolest phrase to say, while doing it.
A few fans have sagely pointed out that while Watchers on the Wall pledge their lives to Castle Black, Jon Snow’s “death” offered him up a pretty nifty loophole to save him from this fate.
So, what is next for Jon Snow, you wonder? Only Big Bird knows . . .
Until next time, Westeros!
Cross posted at Happy Nice Time People.com
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