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The more things change . . . – A Recap of The Vampire Diaries’ Season 4 Premiere “Growing Pains”

[Worry not, Fangbangers!  Your TVD-cap for Episode 2, “Memorial,” will be up in under 24 hours. Feel free to suck on some hot vampire’s hand, while you’re waiting . . .]

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Don’t feel bad, Elena.  I get grouchy during my “time of month” too . . .

Welcome back, Fangbangers!  I’ve missed you . . .

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After an interminably long hiatus, it’s finally time to sharpen those fangs, and head on back to Mystic Falls .  . . a town where nobody gives two craps what your name is (unless it’s Elena Gilbert, of course), but everybody knows your blood type.

I can’t believe this show is already entering its fourth season!  It seems like only yesterday that Stefan Salvatore compelled his way into Elena Gilbert’s high school history class, and nobody noticed that he looked about 27 . . .

So much has happened since that fateful day.  Practically everyone from the original cast has died .  . . and come back . . . multiple times.

Elena dated Stefan . . .

. . . and then broke up with Stefan . . .

. . . and then dated Stefan again . . .

. . . and then broke up with Stefan again.

There were Big Bads . . . and vampire sexcapades . . . and supposedly unbreakable curses that were magically broken by a woman who suffers from severe nosebleeds . . .

And yet, through it all, Stefan remained freaking hungry . . .

Damon stayed snarky (and continued to love taking showers) . . .

Tyler still hated wearing shirts . . .

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Elena judged everyone (but only because she cared) . . .

Caroline kept getting kidnapped . . .

And we still could never figure out what Bonnie was mumbling, during all those ridiculous spells . . .

In a way, “Growing Pains,” is the start of a brand new chapter in TVD-verse.  Elena, who has always been Mystic Falls most vulnerable damsel in distress, has finally become a supernatural creature capable of kicking some serious ass . . .

And yet, when you really stop to think about it, nothing has changed at all . . .

Let’s review, shall we?

To Feed or Not to Feed . . .

The episode begins with Elena waking up in her bedroom, where her two vampire love slaves are hovering over her, looking for signs of life . . . or lack thereof.  Understandably, given the whole “drowning in a car” thing, our leading lady is a bit disoriented and distressed.

Since Elena clearly never watched last season’s TVD finale (nor did she read any of the spoilers for this episode), she has no clue what has happened to her.  This means it’s up to Salvatore Squared to give her the bad news.  In short, Elena has until the end of the day to either feed on human blood, and turn into vampire, or DIE . . . again . . . but for good, this time.

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The fact that Elena is in this situation, because Stefan saved her ex-beau / buddy Matt from the drowning car first, thereby allowing Elena to die with Damon’s vampire blood in her system, is, more or less, brushed over, for the time being.  But we’ll get back to that later.  For now, Elena’s just seriously bummed about the whole, “destined to have pointy teeth, and a sometimes veiny face” thing . . .

But WAIT . . . there may be A CURE!!!  And I bet you’ll NEVER guess who’s going to provide this cure . . .

I’ll give you a hint.  It’s not Dr. Fell . . .

. . . or Sheriff Forbes . . .

. . . it’s not even the happy woodland creatures Stefan consumes on a daily basis.

Nope, the Finder of the Cure is . . . drumroll please . . .

BONNIE BENNETT!

No wonder today’s Mystic Falls weather forecast called for nosebleeds, with a chance of dramatic fainting . . .  It all makes sense now.

There’s a new sheriff in town and he looks a lot like the Evil Priest in every single movie you’ve ever seen containing Evil Priests . . .

Who knew what a proverbial can of worms Bad!Alaric would open up, when he outed all of the town vampires to the supposedly, but not-so-much Vampire Killing Town Council?  Now, this random guy named Pastor Young, who we have never ever heard of, or seen before and will probably never see again . . .

This douche . . .

 . . . is suddenly all over, like a bad rash, firing vampire-friendly locals from their jobs (Sorry Dr. Fell and Sheriff Forbes!), including the MAYOR (?!), and kidnapping pretty much every vampire, who’s name is featured in the opening credits.

Wow . . . this town must be REALLY religious!  Where I come from, the Pastors can barely get their congregations to fill the collection plates, let alone beat-up high school students!

Sigh!  Poor Caroline!  Girlfriend gets kidnapped and tortured on this show, more than she gets laid . . . well . . . on second thought . . .

Also on the kidnapping chopping block is Saint Stefan, and Rebekah-the-Original-Perpetually-Left-Behind . . .

In fact, the only vampires who escaped Pastor Young and Company’s wrath were Damon (well, of course he did!) and Klausi-Tyler.  More on him, in a bit . . .

Newbie Almost-Vamp Elena, the second-most kidnapped person on this show, manages to escape Pastor Young’s wrath, at first.  But it isn’t long before her true fangy colors start to show, i.e. she looks like she’s suffering from the Worst Hangover EVER!   She also hates LAMPS!  I mean, like, REALLY HATES THEM!

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Wouldn’t it have been easier just to hit the light switch?

Elena tries to escape the wrath of Pastor Young, but ultimately gets decked by one of his (kind of hot) henchmen.  Not cool, Hot Henchman . . . not cool at all . . .

But wait!  I’m getting ahead of myself here.  Before Elena’s newfound vampiness led to her undoing, it helped her accomplish the most AWESOME THING EVER . . .

Thanks for the Memories . . .

Ahhh, yes!  It’s the moment us Delena fans have all been waiting for . . . the moment when Elena, eternally free from vampire compulsion, finally gets to watch one of my favorite scenes in the history of TVD.  No, I mean, literally, she gets to watch it . . . as in, they replay the entire scene, right in front of Elena . . . in 3D.  It just doesn’t get much better than that folks.

We’ll talk later about how Elena responds to the realization that Damon met her first, and sacrificed her love to Saint Stefan, long before Elena even became consciously aware of his feelings for her.  (Hint: FRUSTRATINGLY!)  But, for now, let’s just bask in the glory that is “The Very First True Declaration of Delena Love” . . .

Speaking of love interrupted . . .

In which Klausi-tyler cockblocks himself . . .

Now, I know a lot of folks out there put-off / disgusted by the concept of Klaus inhabiting Tyler’s body.  But I, for one, was kind of excited about it.  Basically, I was just interested in seeing whether Michael Trevino could pull it off . . .

When we first meet Klausi-Tyler, he’s harassing Bonnie to put him back inside his own body.  This actually surprised, and disappointed, me a little bit.  One would think that a devious villain-type like Klaus could think of all sorts of ways to put Hybrid-Boy’s Buff Body to naughty use.  After all, we all remember how much fun Klaus had being Alaric, back in the day . . .

By comparison, what Klaus ended up doing with Tyler’s body was actually pretty tame. Though, I must admit, I giggled at Klausi-Tyler’s typical teenage reaction to having a mother who actually liked him . . . you know as opposed to his own mother, who tried to wipe his entire race from the face of the Earth . .  .

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When Klausi-Tyler finds out from his mother that Caroline’s been kidnapped, he ambushes the car carrying her and his sister, and stages a dramatic rescue . . . Let me rephrase that . . . he stages a dramatic rescue of Caroline.  It looks like Poor Rebekah is going to have to tough it out with the crazy vampire hating cult for just a bit longer . . .

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Caroline didn’t seem to notice though.  To say the young blonde was appreciative of the man she thought was dead for springing her from the pokey is the understatement of the century . . .

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That’s right, Forwood / Karoline fans, our favorite little Vampire Barbie rode that sexy body snatcher harder than a jockey at the Kentucky Derby . . .

Now, I know what most of you are thinking.  This has gotta be Klausi-Tyler’s dream come true, right?  I mean, hasn’t Klaus been trying to get his “stake” inside Caroline, ever since that fateful day when he made Tyler almost kill her, so that he could save her life?  I mean, we’re not honestly supposed to believe that Klaus drew those pictures of Caroline with the pony just because he’s a “nice guy,” are we?

And yet, moments into the scene Klausi-tyler STOPS Caroline from screwing him, by complaining that he’s using the “wrong equipment,” and by calling her Klaus’ telltale nickname, “Love.”

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I’m confused.  “Wrong equipment?”  What exactly does Klaus think Tyler has between his legs . . . a baseball bat . . . a vajayjay? Seriously!

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I don’t know.  I just find it hard to believe that Klaus, the same guy who’s killed his parents and siblings multiple times over was simply too “honorable” to pork Caroline under false pretenses . . .

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And Caroline . . . since when has she become so perceptive, that she could ferret out a body snatcher through the use of a single word?  In the finale, Klausi-tyler made an entire cheesy speech about how glorious life is, that Tyler wouldn’t be caught dead uttering.  And Caroline didn’t suspect a thing!

Meanwhile, back in the “witch” portion of our program . . .

Mumble, mumble, nosebleed, mumble . . .

Blah, de blah, dark magic, blah . . . Bonnie is busy trying to kill herself, so that she could bring Elena’s human soul back from the great beyond.  Jeremy, who’s soul purpose lately, has been to hold Bonnie’s hands, and look mildly concerned, while she does this, is dubious.  I mean, don’t get me wrong, JerBear HATES vampires, and certainly doesn’t want his sister to become one.

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But all those bloody noses!  Gross!  Surely, there must be another way . . . right?

Meanwhile, back at the cattle farm, where Crazy Vampire Cult is storing our main characters . . . no I’m not joking about this . . . they really used a cattle farm . . .

Stefan and Elena are declaring their undying love for one another through jail bars, while Elena death rattles dramatically, having not fed on blood for nearly a day now.  In a nearby cell Rebekah watches the lovebirds, alternating between nauseated annoyance, and jealousy that nobody seems willing to tell Rebekah how awesome SHE is, even when she’s looking like total crap . . .

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Suddenly, DarkMagic!Bonnie appears in the cell, and grabs Elena’s hand, ready to save the day, once again.  Until her grandma randomly pops up (remember her?), and tells her dark magic is WRONG!

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So, Bonnie just leaves . . .

Damn!  You mean to tell me, I had to watch all those disgusting nosebleeds for nothing?  I’m pissed . . .

Back in her hole and under duress, Bonnie calls upon dark magic again to put Klaus and Tyler back in their own bodies . . . even though we were led to believe that the only reason Klaus was in Tyler’s body, in the first place, was that his was burned to a crisp, in the season finale.

Of course, grandma is pissed again . . .

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“Sorry Grams!  It’s been two whole seasons since I accidentally killed you, while servicing vampires.  Time to pay the piper . . .”

But then the dark magic takes her soul, so we don’t have to listen to her lectures anymore.  Sorry Bonnie!  It looks like you’re going to be eternally cursed, DESPITE having doomed Elena to a life of either death or vampirism . . . Oh well!  Can’t win em all . . .

But hey, at least the British guy is back in his own body.  I was really missing that delicious accent . . .

Blood . . . it’s finger-licking good . . .

Back at Vampire Alcatraz, Damon is storming the gates outside, using Whipping Boy Matt as bait.

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You see, Damon’s been playing a bit of the blame game with Matt for the whole “surviving” when Elena didn’t thing . . . which, I guess is a sort of reversal on the whole concept of “survivor’s guilt.”

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Inside the jail, Hot Henchman has his hands full with Stefan and Rebekah, who have decided to join forces and go on the attack.  Sorry, Hot Henchman, it looks like your destined to become Elena Food.  Not a bad idea, Stefan and Rebekah . . . but couldn’t you have killed Hot Henchman closer to Elena’s cell?  Poor dying girlfriend, had to practically pry the bars open with her hands, just to get a taste off of the dirty cattle poop floor.  (FIVE SECOND RULE!)

But taste she did . . .

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Mmmm . . . tastes like a dead guest star . . .

It was a scene that was both beautifully shot, and painful to watch at the same time.  And, while I understand how ultimately Elena’s vampire instincts kicked in, and played a role in her choice, I would have liked to see her struggle just a bit more with her ultimate decision, especially considering how dead-set against becoming a vampire she’s been, since day 1 . . . so much so, that she’s, multiple times, chosen death over sprouting fangs . . .

In the very next scene, Damon, who has disposed of his own “Hot Henchman,” is about to kill a rather pathetic looking Matt for having the audacity to be saved first, when this happens . . .

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“Great.  Now it’s official.  All of my ex-girlfriends can kick my ass.”

Don’t ask me how Elena got out of her cell . . . just go with it OK.

It looks like Mystic Falls has a new damsel in distress, and it’s not Elena.

But back to Elena, she and Damon have a bit of a heart-to-heart about those precious compulsion memories we saw her regaining earlier on in the hour.  She now knows she met him first . . . that he sacrificed his love for her . . . that he’d always put her life before anyone elses . . . especially Matt and Bonnie . . . that if Damon had been on that bridge on that fateful night, she wouldn’t have ever had to make the choice to become a vampire . . .

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And she doesn’t give a sh*t . . .

Wait . . . that’s a bit harsh . . . For the record, I do think Elena was touched by the memories she regained about Damon.  And I do think that they’ve changed the way she views him, and feels about him.  But, for now, too much in her life has changed, for her to suddenly swap Salvatore Brothers too.

So, for now, Elena commits herself to Stefan . . . the guy who always respects her choices . . . no matter how stupid they might be . . .

Sibling Stakery . . .

Back at Klaus house, Rebekah is mad hurt at her brother for  leaving her to rot in cow jail with the World’s Most Nauseatingly Sweet Couple.  When she tells him that, through the centuries, she has truly been the only one to support him through thick and thin, she has a point.

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And I think her words really do touch Klaus’ heart, in a way he wasn’t quite expecting . . .

But then she uses Klaus’ last vials of Elena’s hybrid making blood as spray cans, and all bets are off . . .

He stakes her ass . . . well . . . actually he stakes her back . . . but, you know what I mean . . .

So much for brotherly love . . .

Now, that I wasn’t expecting . . .

Elsewhere, in Cult-Hate-a-Vampire, Pastor Young declares a “new beginning” to his followers quest to end vampirism, seconds before he blows up himself and all his minions, with a lit match and some gas . . .

“Oooh, fire pretty . . .”

Wait, WHAT?

Welcome to the world of underwhelming “Big Bads,” who die, after just one episode, Pastor Young . . .

And they all live bloodily ever after . . .

Back on the rooftop, Elena and Stefan are having a “moment,” that’s highly reminiscent of all those sweetly sappy scenes they shared together, in early Season 1 . . . you know, back before the series got really good.   They just WUV eachother so much . . . and Elena is suddenly thrilled with the idea of spending an eternity with Stefan, even if she has to eat people, in order to do it.

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Yes, Elena has chosen Stefan.  Klaus has chosen himself.  Caroline has chosen Tyler.  Bonnie has chosen to bloody her nose.  And Damon, well he’s understandably pissed off about the whole thing . . .

The more things change, the more they stay the same . . .

Next week on TVD, Elena learns about the joys of vampire sex, cannibalism, and making out with Damon Salvatore’s hand . . .

Something tells me I’m going to like next week’s episode way more than I liked this one . . .

Until next time, Fangbangers!

[www.juliekushner.com][Fangirls Forever]

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Four Funerals and a Naked Cuddle? – A Recap of The Vampire Diaries’ “The Sun Also Rises”

“Oh NO!  Don’t cry!  Please don’t cry!  Let’s try to focus on the Happy Things, like the fact that Michael Trevino spent this entire episode naked . . .”

“I have the most awesome nipples on the planet.”

*Takes Deep Breath*  Hey, Fangbangers!  How are you doing?  Are you holding up, OK?  As you well know, this was probably one of the most intense, and heart-wrenching, episodes of TVD history.  And no one will hold it against you, if, while you watched it, you engaged in a little Soulful Crying . . .

You may have ventured over into the territory of the Ugly Cry Face . . .

And that’s ALL RIGHT!  There is no shame in that! 

You know, I was trying to figure out what tone I should be taking with this recap.  I mean, on one hand, I usually like to keep things light.  But making fun of an episode featuring FOUR DEAD PEOPLE, seems a tad inappropriate, even for ME! (Well . . . two of them at least.  When it comes to the demise of a certain VERY Unlikeable Wolfgirl, and an EXTREMELY B*tchy Witch, all bets are off!). 

Hours and hours of painful faux-wolf transformations, followed by some time spent rolling in the dirt, plus getting her HEART RIPPED OUT OF YOUR CHEST, and this one still looks like she just stepped out of a salon.  Talk about UNFAIR!

There’s also a lot of great acting and plotting in the “The Sun Also Rises” that deserves to be given its do.  So, while this recap may be a bit more “somber” than most, I’ll try my best to cover everything that happened, while hopefully, still entertaining you a bit along the way . . .

See?  Already you are entertained!

Sound good?  Let’s get started .  . .

(By the way, did you notice that I always called her Useless Aunt Jenna, but now that she’s gone, doing that makes me feel like a TOTAL asshat Aunt Jenna voiced this week’s “Previously on the Vampire Diaries?”  Kind of fitting right?)

So, let me get this straight, you want me to open the show?  But Stefan always opens the show.  Why do I get to do it this week?  Oh, wait a second here .  . . you aren’t trying to give my character a ‘Poignant Sendoff’ are you?  ARE YOU?”

Let Sleeping Werewolves Lie . . .

“Shoot me in the face, I’ll bite you in the balls.  Just sayin’  . . . MATT”

“Ahhh .  . . see that’s what YOU think!  I gave up my balls on this show, a LOOOONNNNG time ago.”

You know you are in a maudlin TVD episode, when the storyline revolving around SHOOTING wolves, painful werewolf transformations, homicidal moms, and a brutal breakup functions as the COMIC RELIEF!  The episode begins with Caroline trying to secure Were-Tyler behind a locked gate, while Matt proceeds to go Rambo on the animal’s ass.  (PETA must have LOVED this one!)

It’s interesting how this scene pretty much telegraphs the Matt / Caroline breakup that occurs at the end of the episode, and the main reasons behind it.  (Then again, considering that Matt has spend the past few episodes plotting AGAINST Caroline with the EEEVVVIL Lizard Forbes, one could argue that this relationship has really been dead in the water, ever since Matt found out that Caroline was a vampire, back in “The House Guest.”)

“Whatchu talkin about, Recapper?”

First, obviously, Matt shoots Were-Tyler.  (By the way, since when did MATT become this GREAT SHOT?  Who the heck ever took this orphan out hunting?  Vampire Vicki?) 

The fact that a gunshot wound CAN’T actually kill this supernatural creature, doesn’t mean that Matt didn’t INTEND to shoot to kill.  Some have disagreed with me on this point.  But I took his actions here as a sure sign that Matt has extreme difficulty seeing the HUMAN BEING, behind the supernatural creature.  Admittedly, he does come around a bit on this point, toward the end of the episode . . . but just not ENOUGH.

As luck would have it, however, the bullet wound  incapacitates Tyler, preventing him from breaking through the wrought iron gates.  This ultimately allows Caroline and Matt to (1) pass through those gates, (2) step over the “sleeping Tyler,” (3) lock said gates from the INSIDE, and (4) return to the safety of Caroline’s house.

That may end the problems with Were-Tyler.   But the problems between Matt and Caroline are just beginning.  Matt offers to help Caroline with the situation, and she REFUSES, probably because (1) as the kickass Vampire Barbie she is, Caroline is about ten times strong than Matt’s wimpy ass; and (2) she doesn’t entirely trust that Matt won’t try to kill Tyler again.  “I’VE GOT IT,” Caroline says snippily.

“Oh . . . my sweet manhood.  Oh, how I miss you.”

In return, when Caroline asks Matt to hold her hand (adding FURTHER insult to injury on the “I’m stronger than you” front), so that the two can navigate around an anesthetized Tyler, Matt hesitates for a LONG TIME.  I’m not even sure if he ultimately DID IT.  Granted, this may just be Matt’s Male Ego trying to show Caroline who’s not so much boss, and not wanting to be mothered by his own girlfriend.  But, mainly, I think it illustrates the notion that Matt STILL doesn’t entirely trust Caroline in her vampire form. 

Ultimately, it is THESE issues (along with some other ones) . . .

“Matt who?”

 . . . that completely tear apart the flimsy fabric of this more-or-less already broken relationship . . .

Back at Alchy Alaric’s Crib . . .

Damon Penetrates Katherine’s Emotional Fortress of Solitude (and Then Pulls Out)

See what I did there? 😉

KATHERINE:  “So, I know you’re like ‘dying’ and all, but would it be too much to ask for a rousing Goodbye F*&k?”

Back when the promo for this episode first aired, many of you noted the genuine look of concern in Katherine’s eyes, as she surveyed the increasingly gnarly werewolf bite on Damon’s arm.

OK . . . that is SO not a hickey!  (Great arm definition though.  That vamp works out!)

And while I DO think that Katherine loves Damon to the extent that she CAN, her love is a selfish and possessive one.  Katherine’s concern over Damon’s dying seems more related to her OWN loss of a GREAT Sex Partner feelings of abandonment and neglect, as well as her fear that there will be one less person on the planet pining over her.

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That being said, it was VERY satisfying to see Damon, who had spent centuries mooning and moping over Katherine, FINALLY coming to terms with the MANY deficiencies of Katherine’s character.  Of course, the exchange wasn’t NEARLY as satisfying as THIS one . . .

Damon immediately calls Kat out on the part she played in Jenna’s demise.  After all, it was KATHERINE who led Jenna into the trap that resulted in her being Klaus’ vampiric sacrifice.  And Katherine did this, even THOUGH she had already consumed the vervain Damon himself had given her, and clearly, had a choice in the matter.  “Somehow you are always the only one who wins, Katherine.  How did that happen?”  Damon asks.

“Because I didn’t let love get in the way,” Katherine replies.

This, of course, calls to mind the much-discussed concept of vampires “turning off their feelings,” which will be touched upon again, later in this episode.  One could argue that Katherine acts the way she does because she simply “never turned her feelings back ON.”  However, I think that’s an overly simplistic analysis of the situation.  Because unlike OTHER vampires who have “turned off” their feelings in the past, like the stoic, verging on sociopathic, Isobel . . .

 . . . and the Bloodaholic Stefan of Old  . . .

 . . . Katherine seems VERY in touch with her emotions.  She often manages to experience JOY in her life . . .

. . . and shows obvious signs of fear, when her existence is being threatened, right before her self-preservation instincts set in.

No, Katherine is just a manipulative biatch.  And, for the most part, she’s probably been that way for her entire life.  The difference now, is that Damon Salvatore has her number. “Enjoy your life alone,” he says icily, as he walks out of her life.   For good?  Somehow, I doubt it . . .

For Damon’s part, the fact that he was willing to sacrifice HIMSELF, not just for Elena, but for JENNA (The werewolf bite ultimately prevented him from doing this.), shows tremendous growth in his character.  Remember THIS line?

(My apologies to the owner of THIS awesome tumblr, who’s site I neglected to properly link in my last recap.)

Well, of course, us Delena fans’ hearts just melted over this, viewing it as the ULTIMATE in romantic statements you can make to the person you love more than life itself.  And yet, it also resulted in Elena de-staking ELIJAH, which, ulimately, may not have been the best decision.  (More on that later.) 

On the otherhand, the “I will always choose you,” line exemplified the ways in which  Damon’s unparalleled love for Elena sometimes prevented him from seeing the Big Picture.  And the Big Picture, is THIS:  Sometimes “saving” someone, isn’t just about preserving their life; it’s also about preserving their heart, by protecting the people that mean something to that person.  Damon’s willingness to save JENNA, in this episode, shows that he understands that Big Picture now.  This understanding, undoubtedly makes him an EVEN STRONGER candidate for Elena’s love . . .

Just sayin’ . . .

Unfortunately, saving Jenna was not in the cards for Damon, this week.  “I’m sorry Damon, but Jenna is dead, and there is nothing you can do about it,” notes Katherine, prophetically. 

“Oh, my GOD!  He killed me! (WTF?)”

“Got any aspirin?  I feel like Death!”

Still Useless, but I can’t call her that anymore Aunt Jenna wakes up with what I imagine is the WORST HANGOVER EVER!  Being forced to drink gallons of Old Fart Vampire Blood, then being MURDERED, then being tossed into a Burning Ring of Fire, will do that to a girl.  What’s worse, she seems to have blocked the entire event out of her consciousness, forcing Poor Elena to have explain it to her ALL OVER AGAIN. 

“Do I REALLY have to be the PARENT in this situation?  AGAIN!  Seriously Aunt Jenna, if there was ever a time I needed to be mothered it is RIGHT NOW!”

It’s important to note here, that the minute that Jenna awakens, she says that she feels different and strange.  After all, it is JENNA’S accounting of what it feels like to be a newly turned vampire in transition, that helps Elena to determine whether she has, in fact, made that transition herself, by the end of the episode.  Unfortunately, Elena BARELY has enough time to tell Jenna’s she DEAD, and give her the crash course on Intro to Vampirism 101, before that EVIL Wanker HOBAG Greta comes out to play . . .

Man, I know she didn’t stick around all that long, but I REALLY hated this b*tch!  Seeing her smug, puckery, self-satisfied face on my screen had the odd effect of actually making me MISS Luka!

Remember him?

“Oh my god!  He killed me.  I’m a vampire,” remarks Jenna, a line that would be bizarrely hilarious on ANY show other than this one and, maybe, True Blood.

“And I bet you’re hungry,” coos Greta Hobag.

Elena, who knows what’s coming next, starts Freaking the F*&k OUT!  So, Greta decides to give her some impromptu flying lessons . . .

Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!”

It turns out that living conditions in Burning Ring of Fire Number One, were getting kind of cramped.  So, Greta treats Elena to an “upgrade” by sending her to Burning Ring of Fire Number Two, which is much roomier, and comes with a better view of the park . . .

Greta then slits her own wrist.  Oh, DIE!  Please DIE!  I think to myself.  But alas, this is no Suicide Attempt on Greta’s part.  This is merely a FEEDING.  And Jenna, possibly mistaking Greta’s arm for some Chunky Monkey . . .

Just trying to lighten the mood here, folks!

. . . starts gnawing at Greta’s bloody skin, like it’s an Ear of Corn. 

*nom-nom, nom-nom*  “Tastes like CHICKEN!”

Then THIS happens . . .

Coolest trick ever!  The most interesting thing I can do with MY eyes is cross them.

By feeding on HUMAN blood, shortly after death, Jenna has officially completed her vampire transformation, thus making her a “ripe” candidate for Klaus’ Sacrifice ritual.  From across their respective burning circles, Jenna and Elena view one another, as only two family members who are no longer the same SPECIES can.  Once again, Elena takes on the MOTHERING role for her Useless until the end terrified Aunt and Guardian.  “Jenna, look at me.  It’s going to be OK,” Elena lies through her teeth.

“It’s OK Elena?  It’s going to be OK?  I just DIED, and ate some girl’s arm!  Now I’m in a circle of FIRE, out in the middle of nowhere, being babysat by two chanting psychopaths.  How does this satisfy your definition of OK?”

Meanwhile, back in the underground tomb, Bonnie and Jeremy are spending a leisurely romantic evening reading by candlelight . . .

“So, if our ancestors used to date eachother, does that mean there’s a chance we might be related?”

JEREMY:  “Hey Bonnie, did you know that there are 365 diferent sexual positions?  One for each day of the year?”

BONNIE:  “You had to look in a BOOK to find THAT?  So, what formerly EMO, but now incredibly hot, guys, don’t believe in internet porn?”

The purpose of Bonnie’s and Mini Gilbert’s underground research session is to  allow Jeremy the screentime he’s been sorely lacking these past couple of episodes find a spell that can somehow keep Elena from GOING VAMP, after Klaus kills her.  Truthfully, Jeremy’s and Bonnie’s search for this spell seems kind of half-assed. In fact, both parties seem more interested in eye f*&king, shoulder nuzzling, and making sexually suggestive historical references than rescuing their friend from the Ignominy of the Undead.  “I think [my ancestor, Emily] had a thing for [your ancestor, John Gilbert] remarks Bonnie, with a seductive wink.

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And just in case you actually BELIEVED Bonnie’s lamely flirtatious statement, please allow me to show you something.  THIS was Emily Gilbert . . .

She’s kind of hot, right?  OK . . . now THIS is John Gilbert, on whom Emily supposedly had this HUGE CRUSH . . .

Did I mention, the dude was batsh*t insane, and seemingly spent his entire life writing down his every thought in about 85,000 DIARIES?  Yeah, Emily Gilbert!  This one sounds like a Real Keeper!  You gotta give props to Bonnie for trying, though . .  .

Unfortunately, this little slightly nauseating moment is interrupted by Cock Block Alaric, who, ever since his delivery of the “message” that the Sacrifice begins tonight, has seemingly had no other purpose than to be the Bearer of Bad News . . .

“Dammit!  I miss being Klaus.  Now THERE was a guy who knew how to have a good time!”

“Jeremy, something’s happened to Jenna . . .” he begins morosely.

“Seriously?  Again?  You’re kidding me with this, right?”

The Man with the Plan . . .

Back above ground, Damon and Stefan engage in one of their little Brotherly Telephone Gossip Sessions that are quickly becoming a regular occurrence on this show . . .

” OMG!  Katherine actually SAID that to you?  She is SUCH a b*tch.  Did you f*&k her?   Because I totally would have f*&ked her.”

During the phone conversation, Damon informs Stefan that his girlfriend’s aunt is now vampire bait, and Stefan responds by getting weepy . . . again.  Stefan also makes a decision.  It’s the same one Damon made EARLIER in the episode, but couldn’t carry out, due to his Were-Rabies.  Namely, Stefan will offer to sacrifice himself in place of Jenna . . .

 “So, all these hot guys are willing to sacrifice themselves for ME, now!  This is SO COOL!  It also means I’m pretty much dead already, doesn’t it?”

After hanging up on Damon, Stefan turns his attention to Elijah . . .

I’m sorry. I just think this picture of Elijah is really funny!

Elijah helpfully restates the Save Elena gameplan for the audience.  “Bonnie will stay hidden until the moon reaches its final phase.  [This way, Klaus will continue to think she’s dead until the last possible moment.]  Then, she will deliver Klaus to the brink of death, and I will finish him off,” explains the Original Vamp of Haircare Excellence, stoically . . .

Shut UP, Elijah!  I’m mad at you.  We’re in a fight, now!

Though it’s undoubtedly TOO LITTLE, TOO LATE, Stefan FINALLY wakes up to the fact that Elijah’s insistence on killing his own brother, in order to help out folks who he (1) barely knows; and (2) tried to kill him . . . TWICE, seems . . . ODD . . . to say the least.  When Elijah tells Stefan that he is a “very honorable man,” Stefan pointedly asks whether ELIJAH, himself, is honorable.  (You know, this might have been a good question to ask BEFORE you hung all your hopes on THIS guy’s purported “honorability.”)

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“You can’t see it, but I’m actually crossing my fingers behind my back, right now.”

Klaus FINALLY explains why he seems so intent on killing his own brother, the Original Douchebag.  Turns out, this dude is SO CUCKOO BANANAS that he murdered his ENTIRE family (except, conveniently, Elijah . . . I guess he thought that hair was too pretty to go to waste), and buried all their corpses AT SEA, so that no one could come an “revive” them. 

Stefan, who knows a thing or two about wanting to kill your brother, while still being tormented by feelings of LOVE for that sibling, can relate . . .

Last I checked, they didn’t allow vampires on Dancing with the Stars . . .

“Sometimes, there is honor in revenge,” says Elijah, sounding like he’s quoting Shakespeare. (And he may be, for all I know.  Heck, he probably knew the guy, personally . . . and possibly even ATE him.)  “I will not let you down,” concludes the Original, as his nose grows to epic proportions . . . kind of like Pinocchio.

“Trust me.  It gets worse.”

“Dear sweet Wall!  You are the only one who truly understands my pain.”

Back at La Casa de Rich and Awesome, Uncle / Father John barges into Damon’s house, wondering why Elena hasn’t returned any of his phone calls . . .

“Looks like you are a day late, and a daughter short,” snarks Damon.  (LOVE HIM!)

Once, Damon gives Uncle /Father John the Cliff Notes version of the past few episodes of TVD, during which he was doing LORD KNOWS WHAT, U.F.J. decides this would be the PERFECT opportunity to call Damon out on his failure to properly parent / protect his daughter.  Riiiiight, because dads should ALWAYS hire out Sexy but Morally Ambiguous Vampires to take care of those pesky parental duties!

Now, THAT’S what I call a Father Figure!

“All you had to do was keep her safe,” whines John, when he learns that Damon prevented Elena’s certain death by feeding her his own vampire blood.  “You destroyed her life, you know.  You’ve turned her into what I’ve spent my whole life ineffectually protecting her from.”

“Now, is REALLY not the time for lectures, Daddio!”

That’s when Damon introduces Uncle /Father John to his good pal Wall Face (which was awesome, by the way).  “Yeah, yeah . . . I took her choice away.  And I ruined her life, I get it,” remarks Damon, in the voice of a bored teenager.  (Clearly, Damon Salvatore reads blogs.)  “But, trust me, it gets worse . . .”

“Oh no!  Well, let’s not talk about such dark things.  After all, you and I will have plenty of time to have this discussion next season . . . Won’t we?  Won’t we?

But get worse, IT DOES!  Perpetual Bearer of Bad News Alaric chooses THIS particular time to drop a bombshell on Damon, that STEFAN will be sacrificing himself in Jenna’s place.   Damon’s Man-Cry and Sexy Wall Punch, upon hearing about his Little Brother’s most recent attempt at Martyrdom SLAYED ME with their gut-wrenching intensity  . . .

I also couldn’t help but be reminded of ANOTHER time when Damon took his inconsolate sadness and anger out on Innocent Pieces of Furniture . . .

Be afraid La Casa de Rich and Awesome!  Be very afraid!

I also had to laugh, when Damon once again, RIGHTLY wondered why they couldn’t just let BONNIE sacrifice herself for Klaus.  After all, SHE had enough power to kill him, even BEFORE he started offing various cast members.  In hindsight, this probably would have been the better solution, as it would have prevented Elena and Jeremy from becoming orphans, and from needing a lifetime of pills therapy, most likely punctuated by various stints in rehab . . .

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“Dammit, BONNIE!  Way to take one for the Team!”

Meanwhile, back at the Sacrifice . . .

“Hi Jules . . . Bye Jules!”

 

“Life like a Beast.  Die like a Porn Star.”

Jenna is beginning to enjoy the Perks of Vampirism.  “I feel everything stronger,” she notes thoughtfully.  “The colors are brighter.  The fire is hotter.”

Unfortunately (or fortunately, depending on how you look at it), this little Advertisement for Undead Living is interrupted by SERIOUSLY LOUD SEX SOUNDS.  Moans, groans, grunts . . . the whole nine yards.  For a second their, I thought Klaus was getting a quicky.  Then, I realized that those sounds were coming from the soon-to-be-dead Jules.  Apparently, Greta slowed down Jules’ were transformation, so that she could be a candidate for the Sacrifice, and the process has ravaged her innards. 

Jules is promptly thrown into Burning Ring of Fire Number 3.  She and Elena only have the briefest of moments to chat.  (She claims she did all that she did to help Tyler.  Do we believe her?  Does it even matter anymore?)  Then Klaus magically appears . . .

“Are you ready my lovelies?”  He asks in that slimy child pedophile voice of his.

Then Greta starts her annoying chanting, as the lights go out in Burning Ring of Fire Number 3.  Apparently, it’s Checkout Time at the Ole Go to Hell Motel!  Jules lunches at Klaus.  And it looks like she’s about to “Go Were” on his ass.  But he tackles her, and does THIS . . .

Now, that’s what I call wearing your heart on your sleeve!

Ummm . . . yeah . . . so in case you haven’t figured it out yet, Jules is Dead . . .

Mind you, this happened only 12 MINUTES into the episode!  So, we all should have known we were in for a while ride.  Klaus expediently drops Jules’ heart (Who knew she had one?) into his little cauldron, as Jenna and Elena watch on in horror from Burning Ring of Fire Numbers 1 and 2, respectively . . .

In a heartfelt moment between Auntie Vampire and Niece, the Character Formerly Known as Useless Aunt Jenna turns to the child she was supposed to be parenting and said “I failed you . . .”

To which Elena, responded, “Hells, yeah, you did!  No, I failed YOU! (But we all know, she just said that to be nice.)

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This touching moment is followed by another one, in which Elena tells Jenna that due to her new and SUPER nifty vampiric abilities, she has the power to fight back against Klaus.  And I THIS realization on Elena’s part (along with her TERRIFYINGLY TRAUMATIC near-death experience), that causes the Petrova Doppelganger to gain an understanding of why Damon did what he did to her, and recognize that it might not have been such an awful thing to do, after all. 

We definitely see an unspoken understanding form between Damon and Elena, in the final moments of the episode.   And I actually think THIS is where that understanding begins . . .

When it comes time for Jenna to take HER part in the Sacrifice, as signified by the lights going out in HER Burning Ring of Fire, Stefan appears in the distance, to offer up a little “barter and exchange,” one vampire for another . . .

“Just in case you needed evidence of what a FINE vampire specimen I am . . .”

Klaus looks at Stefan, intrigued (and slightly turned on) . . . “Very well, what can I do for you?”  Klaus inquires politely.

Speaking of fine male specimens . . .

Have you ever wished someone would leave a Hot Naked Man on your doorstep?


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Christmas, apparently, came a few months Early in Mystic Falls . . .

After escaping Were Tyler, Caroline and Matt lock themselves up in Caroline’s house where they can be bored safe together. 


“I keep expecting your mom to barge through the door with a chainsaw, and murder us all!”

Now that Caroline and Matt finally have a little down time, they could talk about what a Monumental Douchebag he’s been, the past few episodes!  Matt explains to Caroline, how he pretended to succumb to her compulsion, after watching both Season 1 and Season 2 of TVD on DVD . . .

As we well know, he then went and ratted Caroline out to her the World’s Worst Mother, Lizard Forbes.  “So, where does that leave us now?”  Caroline wonders.  DUMP HIM, CAROLINE!  DUMP HIM HARD! 

“It leaves us stuck in the house, trying not to get malled by our friend,” replies Matt.  (OK .  . . I’ll admit it.  That was a pretty funny line.  And yet . . .)

Friends don’t shoot friends . . .

Do you think my mom wants to kill me?”  Caroline wonders, in the Saddest Little Voice Ever.

“She doesn’t know what she wants to do with you.  Because, really, what are parents supposed to DO with their kids anyway.  Parenting is so darn confusing!”  Matt replies.

Then, there is loud thump at the door.  And for a second, I really did believe it was Lizard Forbes, preparing to go postal . . .

“I’ll get you my pretty.  And your little werewolf too!”

But it was something WAY better than that.  “Give me your jacket,” Caroline scolds, taking charge once again. 

Caroline rushes outside to find THIS laying naked on her doorstep . . .

After doing a little Dance of Joy around her front porch.  (Where all the BEST Forwood action happens anyway, right Cherie?)  Caroline strategically drapes Matt’s coat over Tyler’s man parts.  (Gee, ya think Matt’s going to want that back?) 

There’s a scene in the Southern Vampire Mysteries Book Series (on which True Blood is based), where, after being cursed by an evil witches spell, which gives him amnesia, one of the main characters is told to run in the direction of the one woman he truly loves.  And that character, not remembering ANYTHING else, still, on some level, is able to follow his heart, and find the Right Girl.  I would like to think that the same sort of INSTINCTUAL memory prompted Tyler, while still in werewolf form and injured, to drag himself toward Caroline’s porch.  Because, of all the places in Mystic Falls, THAT is the one where he feels most at home.

Gee, I wonder why? 😉

Just like after his first werewolf transformation, Tyler’s eyes flutter open, and the first face he sees, is that of the woman he loves.  “Caroline?”  He asks tentatively, his face a mixture of relief, love, comfort, and utter sadness.

“It’s OK, Tyler . . . it’s OK,” Caroline replies, looking deep into his brown eyes, as she rubbs his shoulders affectionately.

Unlike the time earlier in the episode, where Elena uttered these SAME words to Aunt Jenna.  This time, I actually BELIEVE them.  And I think Tyler does too . . .

“I’ll drink to that!”

“Can We Just Skip to the ‘Save Elena’ Part”

Good news, guys!  Uncle/ Father John knows of a plan that could save Elena from being a vampire!  When the rest of the Scooby Gang arrive, he starts waxing poetically about some dying mother and her unborn baby.    Apparently, Witch Emily was able to PROTECT this mother-daughter pair (well, at least one of them) from death, by ensuring the intact nature of their souls.

(Like Damon, I’ll admit I zoned out through most of this part.  But it actually makes a lot of sense by the end of the episode. So, bear with me . . .)  Long-story short, Bonnie plans to use the SAME spell that Emily used on the Mother and Baby on Elena and Uncle / Father John.  Damon is skeptical of the plan, thinking it’s all a bunch of hooey.  But Uncle/ Father John seems DETERMINED that his daughter stay human, so . . .

When it comes time for Bonnie and Damon to leave for the Sacrifice Scrappy Doo Mini Gilbert, of course wants to come too!  So, what does Bonnie do, she makes out with him, and knocks him unconscious with her Disgusting Dragon Breath witchy ways. 

“Seriously?  AGAIN!  This SUCKS Monkey BUTT!  Then again, the fact that I didn’t get my ass kicked ONCE this episode, shows at least SOME signs of improvement . . .”

Jeremy shouldn’t feel too bad though.  At least he will have company!  Uncle / Father John is staying home from the Save Elena Games.  And apparently, so is Alaric . . .

“What?  You mean I don’t get to go either?  But I ALWAYS get to go!  I’m one-half of Team Bad Ass DAMMIT!”

Apparently, Bonnie and Damon thought Alaric’s love for Useless Aunt Jenna made him a liability.  So, they did to HIM the same thing they did to ELENA when SHE tried to throw herself at Klaus’ feet the first time . . .

The Poo HITS the FAN, Big TIME!

Back at the Olympic Burning Rings of Fire, Jenna tries to use her newfound vampire hearing to figure out what the heck Klaus and Stefan are gossiping about . . .

“So, do you, like, use a special shampoo, or something, to get your hair to look all shiny like that, because I’ve tried just about EVERY haircare product on the market.  And mine is just dullsville.  I envy you, and your Super Hero Hair Stefan Salvatore.”

Jenna reluctantly tells Elena that her BOYFRIEND has offered himself up, in exchange for Jenna.  (Now, THAT’S awkward.)  Elena, understandably, is horrified by the idea.  Does she want to keep around the Shrink she has Sex with, or the Aunt, who has her OWN sex, while Elena watches?  Decisions, decisions.  When Stefan gets thrown into Burning Ring of Fire One in Jenna’s place, Elena is both touched by her boyfriend’s kind gesture, and frightened as all heck!

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Now, this was a PRETTY sneaky move on the part of the TVD writers.  After all, MOST OF US knew that Stefan and Elena would both make it to the Season Finale.  So, the fact that Jenna, was no longer sitting in the burning ring, probably gave SOME of us, myself included, a false sense of security.  And it was that sense of security that was RIPPED TO SHREDS, when Klaus impulsively announced that he had OTHER plans for Stefan, and therefore, wanted him to survive. 

(What PLANS?  Does Klaus want Stefan to join the Were Vamp army?  Does he want Stefan to get DAMON to join the Were Vamp Army?  Does he want Stefan to give him more Hair Care tips?  Something tells me that we will have to wait until next season to find out . . .)

Klaus then puts Elena’s So-Called Savior out of commission (at least for a few moments by breaking his neck, and staking him).

Something tells me that’s going to hurt in the morning!

Elena looks at Jenna, in terror.  But her aunt seems oddly determined.  “I know what I have to do,” says Jenna, with more verve and intensity than we’ve seen from the character all season. 

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(SERIOUSLY, Sara Canning was ON FIRE this episode!  It makes you understand just how CRIMINALLY under-used her acting talents were on this show.  Useless Aunt Jenna, could have realy kicked ass . . . if she wasn’t so . .  . useless most of the time.)

Knowing she can’t defeat Klaus, Jenna lashes out at GRETA, which, if you think about it, is a pretty genius move.  After all, without a WITCH to say the spell, Klaus can’t complete the ritual.  The only problem is that Poor Newbie Vamp Jenna isn’t well versed in the Creative Killing Tactics of Salvatore Brothers and Originals, like, for example, the Bold De-Harting . . .

. . . or the Nifty Neck Snap.  So, Jenna, instead opts for the Good Old Fashioned NECK BITE, which . . . well . . . it basically does nothing.  Greta looks more annoyed, than truly in pain. 

A heart-tugging, tear inducing look is exchanged between an inconsolate Elena, and a now truly terrified Jenna, as both come to the horrifying, not to mention, massively depressing, realization that this is going to be literally the LAST TIME they will ever see one another “alive.”

With no other options available to her, a tearful Elena gives her aunt the ONLY piece of advice that a person who’s death is imminent really wants to hear:  how to die without fear . . . or pain.  “Just turn it off . . . Turn it off, Jenna.  You won’t be scared, anymore.”

We can’t know for sure whether Aunt Jenna ultimately opted to turn off her emotions in the final moments of her life.  However, the surprisingly peaceful expression on her face, after Klaus drained her of blood . . . gives us some clue that she might have done just that . . .

OK . . . I lied.  That doesn’t look “peaceful” at all.  She looks scared sh*tless.  Man, this show is depressing!

If you weren’t crying by this point, Elena’s shout of anguish as her ineffectual, but well-meaning, and loveable guardian, bit the Big One, most certainly had you reaching for Box of Kleenex.  Still, more tears follow, when Stefan awakens and finds Jenna’s lifeless body lying just outside the burning ring.  “I’m sorry, he mouths to his girlfriend, who’s family member he WASN’T able to save.”

Elena puts her finger to her lips.  “Shhh . . . KILL HIM,” she whispers.

You know . . . when Useless Aunt Jenna (R.I.P. Girlfriend) is the Smartest Girl at the Party, something is WRONG with this picture.  Don’t try to kill KLAUS, Stefan!  Kill GRETA!  BREAK HER NECK!  RIP OUT HER HEART!  Do something, aside from haphazardly throwing yourself at Klaus, and FAILING . . . AGAIN.

But fail again, Stefan does.  And, the next thing you know, the lights at Burning Ring of Fire Number 2 are out.  And Klaus has Elena in his grubby hands.  Now, he’s groping her, like a drunken college fratboy.  She is not amused .  . .

KLAUS:  “The moonlight . . . the candles  . . . the dead bodies . .  . I don’t know about you, but I find this all incredibly romantic.”

Ever the gentleman, Klaus politely thanks Elena for her services on Team Sacrifice.  “Go to hell,” Elena snarls. 

So, Klaus does . . .  but he brings ELENA right along with him . . .

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Poor Stefan, he’s been pretty much all Water Works, all episode.  And for good reason.  With Elena down, Klaus drops the Moonstone into the cauldron, and to the tune of Greta’s insufferable chanting of gibberish, begins his were-tranformation . . .

A face not even a mother could love . . .

But just when it seems like all hope is lost . . .

All Hail Team Scooby!

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Bonnie comes seemingly out of nowhere, bringing Klaus to his knees with her massive Firestarter Power.  From the other side of the park, Damon magically appears . . .

. . . and does exactly what Stefan SHOULD have done about 20 minutes ago.  He BREAKS GRETA’S NECK, in one sharp SNAP!

Damon than picks up a lifeless Elena and gallantly carries her body over to Stefan.  But Stefan surprises his brother, by NOT taking her in his arms.  “I need you to take her out of here.  I’m not leaving, until he is dead,”  explains Stefan.  (My, my, my . .  . how the roles have reversed.)

I was happy though . . . because I got to see this . . .

I mean, seriously, how much better forshadowing can us Delena fans get?  The dude CARRIED ELENA to safety AND over the proverbial threshold, into her HOME! 

But just when you think it can’t get any better, IT DOES!

My heart literally leapt out of my chest, walked over to the television screen, and nuzzled up to Damon’s face, as he gently and loving caressed Elena’s unconscious face, in a move that reminded me VERY much of THIS early TVD scene . . .

“If you come back a vampire, Elena.  I will have to stake you myself.  So, DON’T.  Because I can’t stand the idea of you hating me, forever,” Damon whispers.

As if in answer to his prayers, Elena awakens . . .

“How do you feel?”  Damon asks tentatively.

“I feel fine,” Elena replies incredulously.

Remember when I told you that Jenna felt DIFFERENT when in transition.  Well, Elena, based on her response, is still human.  The question is how? 

More about that in a bit, for now, I want to get a bit more Delana-y with you . . .

That look Elena gives Damon when she first wakes up!  Delena fans will undoubtedly analyze this look ALL SUMMER, along with the one the pair exchange at the funeral, later in the episode.  There are a lot of similarities between this look, and the one Tyler gives Caroline, when he awakens from his werewolf state.  Elena too, has had somewhat of a rebirth in these last few minutes.  She has LITERALLY died, and been reborn.

Clearly, something has changed regarding Elena’s feelings for Damon, since their last encounter.  But what?  Has Elena softened toward Damon, because, in facing the True Death, she has finally come to terms with the fact that she wants to live.  Has Elena begun to grudgingly see the positive sides of vampirism, as I mentioned above?  Or is it something more . . .

Recall that Damon once, not to long ago, told Elena he loved her, and compelled her to forget it . . .

 You may also recall that as a vampire, you can remember all instances of compulsion you experienced as a human . . .

Could Elena suddenly be REMEMBERING Damon’s sacrificial declaration of love for her?  But wait . . . that doesn’t make sense.  After all, I just said Elena is HUMAN.  So, how could she remember something like that?  You might wonder.  Well . . . I think, based on the loosey goosey way she was able to STAY human, that she might actually remember it. 

And to that plot development, I say . . .

But we are getting a bit ahead of yourselves here . . .  Let’s take a step back for a moment, and figure out how Elena managed to stay HUMAN, after clearly dying with vampire blood in her system.

The Ultimate Sacrifice

Aside from read books, and write a letter with his severely bandaged hands . . .

Ahhh memories . . .

Uncle / Father John hasn’t done much this episode.  And yet, as Elena is waking up in Damon’s arms, U.F.J. is handing Jeremy a letter and a ring, with instructions to give them to Elena.  With one last look at the house, he then walks outside.  The moment Elena awakens, he falls to the floor . .  . dead.

Remember how we talked a bit about that spell Emily did on the mother and the baby.  Well, apparently the mother gave HER life, and her soul to the baby, so that the baby could be reborn.  That was Uncle/Father John’s final gift to his daughter: the gift of a second chance at REAL life.  All U.F.J. ever really wanted for his daughter was for her NOT to become a vampire.  And now (at least for another season) she won’t be . . .

Now, I’m just wondering who the HECK is going to get custody of these two underage teens, who LITERALLY have no family left on Earth.   Maybe Alaric can adopt?

Speaking of Alaric . . . poor guy!  Lost another woman to vampirism!  The look on his face, when he foudn out Jenna didn’t survive the Sacrifice ritual was horrifying.  He and Jeremy just can’t seem to catch a break.  Can they?

But WAIT . . . what about KLAUS . . . and ELIJAH?

Elijah Do-Little

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Back at the site, the Scooby Gang’s Save Elena / Kill Klaus plan seems to be going as planned.  Bonnie is doing her Crazy Ass witch thing, Elena is alive, human and safe, Greta is dead, and Klaus is close to it.  Now, all they have to do is wait for Elijah to finish him off . . .

But NOOOOO!  Just when Elijah ACTUALLY has his hand inside Klaus’ chest, and is ready to make the final pull, a skill we all KNOW he’s incredibly adept at . . .

Klaus has to go and open his Big Fat Mouth, and tell some Big Fat Sob Story, about how he DIDN’T actually bury his family at sea. like Osama Bin Laden.  (Presumably, this means that the family of Originals can be brought back to life, just in time for next season, no doubt.)  Did I mention that Klaus KNOWS where the bodies are (or so he says), and promises to take Elijah to them, if he lets him life? 

“Quite the conundrum I’m in here.  Follow my Crazy Pants  Brother on a Wild Goose Chase to find my long lost relatives, or help these misfits I barely know kill the last member of family I have.  Hmmmm . . . I wonder what I should do?”

And so, with a quick half-assed apology at the remaining Scooby Gang members, Eljah escapes with the now Were-Vamp Klaus to parts unknown . . .

I hate to say it (because I loved me some hot Delena moments), but Damon would NEVER have let this happen, if he was there . . .

Speaking of hot moments . . .

What you got under that blanket?

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“So, I guess it’s true what they say about men with big hands.”

While naked Tyler is in Caroline’s bed (HELL YEAH!) sleeping off his were-bender, Matt is giving Caroline the Big Ole’ kiss off.   “So, this is you’re life, huh?”  Matt asks, conversationally.  “Never a dull moment.”

Unlike MY life, which tends to be jam-packed with Dull Moments.

In what was probably the LONGEST version of the “It’s not you.  It’s me.”  speech I have ever heard, Matt tells Caroline how much fun he’s had with her over the past few days (while he was pretending NOT to think she was a Brain Eating Zombie), BUT he doesn’t feel like he can handle her Hardcore Vampire Lifestyle.  He’s got other things to think about, like his lame job at the Only Bar / Social Establishment in Mystic Falls, and his Slutty Mom, and his Dead Sister.  So, yeah, greener pastures, I guess . . .

Matt would prefer to live his life in a fog, and forget vampires and werewolves ever existed, then to spend time with the woman he supposedly loves, who just so happens to occasionally, drink Red Stuff from a hospital bag .  . .

Oh, well!  If you can’t take the Forwood Heat, get your ass out of Caroline’s house . . . 

 (Admittedly, though I mock it here, because this recap never seems to end, and I’m getting a bit cranky, this annoying scene did show tremendous acting ability on Roerig’s part.  And since I’m a staunch Forwoody, it even made me smile.)

But on to the good stuff . . . Tyler wakes up, wanders down stairs, and sidles up to a sad Caroline on the couch.

TYLER:  “Man, I’m in pain.  What the heck did I do last night?”

CAROLINE:  “Umm . . . Tyler . . . I’m pregnant.”

Undoubtedly, a bit embarrassed about whatever Werewolf Hijinks he may have engaged in, the night before (though, clearly, not embarrassed enough to put on a pair of pants before coming downstairs – and THANK GOD, for that!), Tyler wonders outloud whether, what Caroline said to him the night before was right.  Maybe he should have stayed away from Mystic Falls, after all.  “You shouldn’t have left,” Caroline corrects him.

“Awwwww yeah, she SO wants me!”

The way Tyler and Caroline relate to one another is just so uniquely special and so natural, you just can’t help but smile when you watch them together.  I loved how, in this scene, the pair repeatedly waver back and forth between the expression of serious feelings and joking easy-going banter, knowing instinctively that using the latter, will help them comfortably ease their way into the former.  Like in this moment, when Tyler jokes that he tried to kill her . . . twice.  (That happens A LOT on this show, doesn’t it?)

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“No friendship is perfect,” jokes Caroline.

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See, what I mean?  I mean what OTHER couple could joke and laugh about the topic of Involuntary Man (Wolf?)slaughter?

Yeah . .  . them too, I guess.

But then, when Caroline’s laughter turns to tears, Tyler is serious again, and prepared to comfort the woman he clearly loves so much . . .

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And when Caroline tells Tyler that Matt broke up with her, Tyler does a REALLY GOOD JOB of looking genuinely sad for her, even though we all know that, inside, he’s wanting very much to do THIS . . .

. . . and maybe even a little bit of THIS . . .

“So what do I do in this situation?”  Tyler genuinely wants to know, biting his lower lip in happiness, as Caroline snuggles closer to him.

“Instead of bailing again, you say, ‘Thank you for taking care of me.  Sorry I tried to chow down on you again.'”

“Thank you for taking care of me,” Tyler whispers in Caroline’s ear, as she nestles up close to him, feeling safe and truly loved for the first time in as long as she can remember.

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And now that all are hearts are FILLED with the Warm Fuzziness of Forwoody Goodness, I regret to inform you that we have a funeral to attend . . . well . . . two funerals.

Saying Goodbye

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Now, normally, I’d say Hard Core Eye Fuckery is inappropriate at the funeral of your Parental Guardian and Bio Dad.  But since it’s Delena, I’m totally cool with it!

Though the sun had in fact risen, and was shining high in the sky, at the conclusion of “The Sun Also Rises,” the tone was undoubtedly somber, as Elena and Jeremy buried their only remaining parental figures, Uncle/Father John and No-Longer Useless Aunt Jenna . . .

In a very sweet, but extremely poignant, moment, Jeremy and Elena both tried to stay strong for one another, as they comforted eachother in Elena’s bedroom, just moments before their hastily patched together Double Family Funeral.  (Jenna and John would be buried in secret,  right alongside Elena’s adoptive parents, so as not to stir suspicion among the town residents.)  Elena apologized to Jeremy for all the people he had lost in his young life.  And Jeremy, in turn, gave Elena John’s final gifts to her: the letter he had written and his Ring of Immortality.

We watched as Elena sat by the window, and sadly read her father’s last words to her . . .

What follows is John’s letter, in its entirety:

Elena,

It’s no easy task being an ordinary parent to an extrordinary child. I failed in that task. And because of my prejudices, I failed you. I am haunted by how things might have turned out differently if I had been more willing to hear your side of things. For me it’s the end. For you, a chance to grow old and someday do better with your own child than I did with mine. It’s for that child that I give you my ring. I don’t ask for your forgiveness or for you to forget. I ask only that you believe this: whether you are now reading this as a human or as a vampire, I love you all the same, as I’ve always loved you and always will.

John

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At the funeral the entire REMAINING Scooby Gang gathered and left roses on the Gilbert gravestone.

After exchanging some VERY meaningful looks with Elena at the cemetery (hint, hint, wink wink), Damon FINALLY came clean to Stefan about the secret he was hiding.  Tyler had bit him.  He was marked for death.

“We will find something . . . a cure,” said Stefan resolutely.

“There is no cure, Stefan,” replied Damon morosely.

But Stefan refused to accept the loss of his brother, “We kept Elena human.  We found a way when there was no way.   We will do this.”

“You wanna do something for me?”  Damon asked.  “Keep this from Elena.  The last thing she needs is another grave to mourn.”

And with that, Damon walked off into the sunset, ALONE, as we all blew our noses, and reached for the now-empty box of Kleenex.

Until next time . . .

[www.juliekushner.com][Fangirls Forever]

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Filed under The Vampire Diaries

“Dead” Men Don’t Dance (Unless They Are Damon!) – A Recap of The Vampire Diaries’ “The Last Dance”

ELENA:  “Psst . . . Bonnie . . . so I have this plan that’s going to make Delena fans and Bamon fans totally want to kill one another.  It’s going to be SO COOL!  Are you interested?”

BONNIE:  “That depends . . . does it involve me having blood gushing out of my nose, and making constipated facial expressions, while I shoot bolts of light out of my fingertips?  Because I really hate that . . .”

ELENA:  “Umm . . . welllllll .  . . yeah . . . But you also get to butt hump Damon on the dance floor, for a little while!”

BONNIE:  “I’m IN!”

“Make Love . . . Not War.”  That’s a saying you always hear people say, when they talk about the 60’s . . .  and about the hippies, who made that era an extremely “groovy” (not to mention, REALLY SLUTTY) time to be alive.  So, it’s fitting that this episode of TVD, which centers around a 60’s dance, was chock full of both love AND war.  But you don’t really care about that, do you?  You just want to watch Damon wiggling his butt in tight leather pants! 

Shame on YOU!  I was trying to teach you a HISTORY LESSON!  Now, I know how Alaric feels (the REAL one)!

Yes, there was definitely something for EVERYONE in “The Last Dance.”  For example, no matter what SHIP you are on, your favorite couple probably AT LEAST danced together tonight.  (Except for Forwood!  Sorry Forwood fans!)  Your favorite character probably had at least one BAD ASS moment to shine on screen!  And the character you HATE the most, probably had at least one scene, where he or she was either flatly rejected, or (SURPRISE!) thrown up against a wall! 

Have you ever wondered who Steven R. McQueen pissed off in the TVD writer’s room, to ensure that (1) all Jeremy’s girlfriends get whacked; and (2) he gets his ass pummeled each week, by everyone from invisible witch girls, to middle aged men in Coke bottle glasses, to skinny 14-year old boys?

Though not quite as “plot heavy” as last week’s installment, “The Last Dance” was still an action-packed hour, complete with twists, turns, fights, cliffhangers, deaths, rebirths, and enough AWESOME Delena eye-f*&king to impregnate an entire COUNTRY of TVD fans, just from watching the show! romance to fuel fanfiction writers for the next YEAR AND A HALF, AT LEAST!

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Oh, the wonderous possibilities . . .

So, only one question remains, Fang Bangers, “May I have this dance?”

Playing House with AlarKlaus

You know what I really hate?  When evil old vampires possess my History teacher, and he compels me to stab myself repeatedly in the knee!  That just really sucks!  (It also makes wearing short skirts very difficult.)

Well, that’s ONE way to get rid of cellulite!

When the episode begins, we check in on AlarKlaus, who, apparently, has moved into Alaric’s house (which I guess makes sense . . . I just thought someone of Klaus’ stature would choose more fancy digs, than what one can purchase on a high school teacher’s salary).  Bunking with AlarKlaus is the kidnapped Katherine, and Klaus’ gay lover Sumo Warlock.  It sure sounds like a party to me!

After railing on Alaric’s admittedly boring as all heck “Safari Sam” wardrobe . . .

Chunky Monkey, notwithstanding . . .

. . . AlarKlaus (who’s new voice and accent makes him sound much less like Yoda than he did last week  . . . which is refreshing) starts trying to glean information about the Scooby Gang from a very grumpy-looking Katherine.  Unfortunately, Katherine’s been kind on the outs with the Scooby Gang, ever since THIS happened . . .

and THIS . . .

 . . . and let’s not forget THIS . . .

So, she doesn’t have very much information to GIVE!

In fact, the Katherine we see this week is a VERY different vamp, from the confident, in charge, villainess we saw in “Plan B,” who single-handedly maneuvered a Useless Aunt Jenna Suicide Attempt AND a Stelena Breakup, AND a Tyler werewolf curse activation, all without even breaking a sweat!

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The Katherine of “The Last Dance” is someone who has very much been beaten at her own game — rejected by BOTH Salvatores, betrayed by her best (only?) friend, and kidnapped by AlarKlaus.  It’s odd seeing a character who was once seemingly willing to DO anything, and betray ANYBODY, in order to stay alive, literally begging her tormentor for death.  And yet, in requesting to be put out of her misery, the usually sly Katherine makes yet ANOTHER mistake!  Because now that Klaus knows what Katherine WANTS, he’ll definitely make sure she doesn’t get it. 

“I’ve been searching for you for 500 years.  So, I’ll be sure to make your death take at least half that long,” AlarKlaus explains to a petrified Katherine.  And that’s how AlarKlaus came to compel Katherine to stab herself in the leg . . . over . . . and over . . . and over again.  “And if you get bored . . . switch legs,” he offers.  “Don’t be so glum, Kat!  The fun is just beginning!”

FUN, indeed!

FIRST he makes hilariously true jokes about Alaric’s bad wardrobe, and THEN he makes Katherine do the vampiric equivalent of a rat caught in a trap, who is forced to chew off its own legs.  It’s OFFICIAL!  AlarKlaus is about ten times cooler (not to mention, hotter) than the Useless Aunt Jenna-dating Alaric will EVER BE!

Ahhh, but can he DANCE?

It’s Time for a Knock-Knock Joke!

DAMON:  “Knock, Knock!”

ELENA:  “Who’s there?”

DAMON:  “Damon”

ELENA: “Damon who?”

DAMON: “Damon, who wants to get into your pants.”

ELENA:  “You may enter . . . them.”

Back at La Casa de Rich and Awesome (which, thanks to some quick and dirty paperwork, has hereby,  been redubbed Elena’s Casa de Rich and Awesome) the Salvatore brothers are standing on the front porch, waiting to be “invited” into the home that has LITERALLY been in their name for centuries.  Last week, when Damon half-jokingly told Elena that he would be “really pissed” if she refused to invite him back into his own house, I just KNEW that comment was going to come back and bite him in the ASS! 

And bite, it DID!  Because while Elena let Stefan into the house, without giving him much thought or attention, for that matter, when it came Damon’s turn, she decided to use this as an opportunity to engage him in some HIGH QUALITY flirtation and eye f*&king, before he “crossed the threshhold” into HER home (and, inevitably, her panties).

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“What are we twelve?” Damon asks, feigning annoyance, when he is secretly LOVING all the attention he is getting.

“One of us is,” says Elena, flirtatiously, blocking the door, and posing seductively, in a manner that would make doppelganger Katherine proud!

Elena makes Damon promise that he will OBEY the “owner of the house,” before allowing him to enter.  Upon hearing this statement, my mind immediately fills up with KINKY S&M images of these two . . .

“Damon, you’ve been a VERY BAD BOY!   You must OBEY ME!  Say my name, B*TCH!”

Oh, yeah, and I almost forgot.  Bonnie is at the house too.  And because it’s Mystery Meat Day at the cafeteria, Elena and Bonnie have decided to make their biannual pilgrimage to school.  Damon doesn’t want Elena to leave.  He’d much rather OBEY her some more upstairs in one of the bedrooms.  But Elena knows that the plot of this week’s episode requires her to attend at least one class, and lunch.  So, she insists.  “Next to Bonnie is the safest place I can be,” Elena offers helpfully.

Painfully Obvious Foreshadowing Moment #1

Journey to CougarTown

*sings* “Caroline’s mom has got it going on.  She’s all I want, and I’ve waited for so.  . .”  Ick, nevermind!

Back at Caroline’s house, Matt Donavasshole has arrived.   But he’s not there to visit to his girlfriend, like a normal red-blooded teenage boy would, he’s there to visit her, not particularly feminine, mother.

MATT:  “Ms. Forbes, are you trying to seduce me?”

LIZ:  “That depends . . . is it working?”

Apparently, Sheriff Lizard Forbes would very much like for Matt to keep boning her daughter, and playing dumb (Well, that part should be easy for him, at least!) about all the information Caroline told him last week.  That’s right boys and girls!  Lizard Forbes, not only knows HER own daughter’s secret, she also knows DAMONS . . . and STEFAN’S  . . . and ELENA’S . . . and TYLER’S (Way to be discreet, CAROLINE!)

“I just need you to buy me some time, while I figure out how to dig myself out of this ridiculous Black Hole of a Plotline the writers have dug for our now ridiculously unlikeable characters.

I’m sorry, but I just don’t understand this storyline AT ALL!  I suspect the point of this conversation was to make fans of the show HATE Matt less.  After all, he’s only doing what Caroline’s MOM wants him to do, right?  Right? 

WRONG!  The fact that Matt is chosing his girlfriend’s MOTHER, over his actual girlfriend just makes him a Mama’s Boy, not to mention a TOTAL WEINERFACE POOPYHEAD!

At least last week, when I thought Lizard and Donovasshole actually had a PLAN, behind their manipulation and betrayal of Caroline, I was intrigued by their newfound villainy.  Now, I’m just confused . . . and bored.  In fact, let’s just forget the aforementioned scene ever happened, OK?

POOF!  It’s been forgotten!

Don’t Know Much About History (But Know a Ton About Being CREEPY!)

Wanting to “lay eyes on his precious doppelganger,” AlarKlaus decides to head to school.  Normally, of course, this would be the absolute WORST place to find Elena, since, as I mentioned, she’s NEVER THERE.  But Elena IS at school today.  So, when AlarKlaus, under the guise of Alaric, arrives at his history class, it gives him the perfect opportunity to ogle and leer inappropriately at Elena, the daughter of his ex-wife, and adopted daughter of his now-ex girlfriend.  (Umm, yeah . . . because that’s not incestuous at all!)

“Care to join us, Elena?  We were playing pin the tail on the Chunky Monkey.”

The funniest part of this scene, of course, was that, unlike vampire Stefan, who, during the pilot episode, was a walking encyclopedia of dates and events.  New History Teacher AlarKlaus doesn’t remember a THING about the 60’s!  He’s been around so darn long that individual decades don’t even register on his radar! 

Not only can AlarKlaus not teach worth a DAMN, he also doesn’t know ANY of his students’ names, or what he was teaching in class the day before!  Of course, nobody in the class, least of all Elena, thinks there is anything at all strange about this.  Of course, I attribute this to the fact that the REAL Alaric is an alcoholic, who goes out drinking with Bromantic Buddy Damon every night, and always shows up to class wasted . . .

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At lunch “Dana” or as I like to refer to her “Creepy Compelled Girl from the Promos,” asks Elena if she is going to the 60’s dance tonight.  She then tells her that a “hot guy named Klaus,” who DOESN’T look like her history teacher, wants her to save the “last dance” for him.

“3 scenes, 3 lines.  You know what that means, don’t you?  SAG CARD, HERE I COME!”

By the way, did anybody else find it strange that AlarKlaus was “human,” in the sense that Bonnie would be capable of killing him rather easily, were it not for the use of a Protection Spell . . . and “human,” in the sense that he could, enter Elena’s house without an invitation (more on that later) . . . but “vampiric” in his ability to compel others?  Now, maybe this is because compulsion is something that occurs in the mind, and not the bodyAnd yet, I’ve always considered it to be an exclusively VAMPIRE power, which would mean that someone inhabiting Alaric‘s body, shouldn’t have been able to do it.  Any thoughts?

The knowledge that Klaus has invaded Mystic Falls High and miraculously compelled an Extra to play his “wingman,” makes Elena cry we, we, we, we, we all the way back to her Casa de Rich and Awesome, to tell the rest of the Scooby Gang the bad news.  I smell a Pow Wow of Sexiness and Plot Explanation!

“Well Hi, There, Super Villain!  Wanna kill me?  Here’s HOW!”

So, remember how Damon used to be a member of the Let’s Kill All the Vampires in Mystic Falls Committee?

Well, it seems Klaus has taken a page out of the Salvatore Playbook, and has decided to join team Save Elena from Klaus . . .

It ends up being a BRILLIANT MOVE on Klaus’ part, actually.  Not only is the Scooby Gang COMPLETELY OBLIVIOUS to the fact that AlarKlaus acts ABSOLUTELY NOTHING LIKE ALARIC, they also proceed to carefully detail for him their Klaus-killing plan.  Even though, presumably, Alaric himself, has probably heard it before (most likely during one of his and Damon’s LONNNNG nights of binge drinking). 

“I’m the Plan of Attack,” says Bonnie, like the humble gal she is.

When AlarKlaus challenges Bonnie’s ability to kill a Big Bad Vampire like himself Klaus, Bonnie gladly proves him wrong, by doing THIS . . .

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Look on the bright side, Damon.  At least it wasn’t a Wall Slam!

After his fun with the Scooby Gang, AlarKlaus heads back to Alaric’s crib and proceeds to play with himself “Safari Sam’s” toys.  Said toys include a SERIOUS arsenal of BAD ASS WEAPONRY .  . .

(As we already knew.)

 . . . and of course, lots of top quality liquor.  (See, I told you he’s an Alchy!)

AlarKlaus worries out loud that Bonnie (or as he lovingly refers to her, the Witch B*tch) might actually be able to defeat him, by murdering Alaric’s body.  So, Sumo Warlock comes up with the “brilliant” idea to “protect” AlarKlaus through a spell. 

Alert the media!  It speaks!

Once protected, Klaus can provoke Bonnie into using all her powers, thereby causing her to croak, just like the Great Witch Prophecy of Emily Bennett had said she would.

“Screw you too .  . . EMILY!”

And this brings us to the night of the  Next Last Dance . . .

Dance with the Devil (and everyone else on this show TOO!)

It’s 60’s Dance Night, and our Scooby Gang is trying to “blend in with the crowd,” and have fun, while,  at the same time, “tracking down and kiling Klaus.”  ALMOST everyone in the gang does a great job with the whole “Blending In” thing . . . except for . . . well . . .

You know you are a Major Buzzkill, when EVERYONE ELSE AT THE PARTY is wearing hot pants, and hippie outfits, and YOU show up dressed as an ASSASSINATED PRESIDENT, Matt DONAVASSHOLE!  It’s called a THEME dance, not Halloween!  Just  sayin’! 

Outside the dance, a still extremely concerned Jeremy tries to give Bonnie his Ugly Ass Ring of Immortality.  (Gee, I wonder why he would think she would be in danger?)

 

Bonnie declines Jeremy’s “marriage to life” proposal . . .

DEN-IED!

 . . . arguing that the ring only works on HUMANS and, as a witch, Bonnie is NOT exactly human.  You know, for all the MASSIVE hatred of all things supernatural, Bonnie has exhibited in the past, admitting that she is somewhat of a “monster” herself, is a MAJOR step in the right direction for our girl,  Bonnie!  And you know what THAT means, don’t you?

Painfully Obvious Foreshadowing Moment #2

Meanwhile, a very efficient AlarKlaus, has already begun the arduous task of Making the Compelled Humans Do His Work For Him.(LA-ZY!)  First, he “hires” “Dana” to give Elena the song dedication we witnessed in the promo.  Then, he commandeers “Dana’s 14-year old date and his rather wimpy looking friends” to “make some extra extra credit.”  AlarKlaus then slips this Second String Geek Squad some of Alaric’s gnarlier vampire hunting weapons (which reminds me, where the heck did AlarKlaus HIDE THOSE?  In his TIGHT PANTS?  A man purse, perhaps?)  to carry out this week’s Mini Gilbert Smackdown. 

But still, through it all, Damon is not impressed,  and he tells AlarKlaus as much . . .

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While, AlarKlaus goes and cries in his punch bowl, at Damon’s rejection of his villainy, Damon himself tries to IMPRESS his lady friends, with his Mad Dancing Skills, the excellence of which we are already well aware .  . .

Unlike AlarKlaus, who’d much prefer a more “prim and proper” decade, like the 20’s, Damon genuinely seems to feel at home in the 60’s. (I attribute this to the leather pants.)  And when he sees that his soon-to-be lover Elena is not enjoying herself quite as much as she should be, he sets out to change that, in one of my FAVORITE Delena moments of the episode . . .

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In a move that many of us Delena fans would like to view as a “foreshadowing of things to come,” Damon QUITE LITERALLY spins Elena away from Stefan’s arms, and into his own.  Elena is shocked, and pleasantly surprised by the gesture.  So, she shows her appreciation, by ogling Damon’s manparts, and staring at his eyes and lips, as if she would very much like to swallow them all whole.

 (Might I remind you that THIS is Ponytail Elena!  And, as we learned in “Daddy Issues” Ponytail Elena is ALWAYS down for Sexy Times with Damon!)

“You are very good at this,” says a Breathless Elena, as the tension of being stalked by Klaus starts to leave her body, and a DIFFERENT kind of tension, begins to build DOWN BELOW.  Damon further diffuses Elena’s discomfort, by offering up a bit of that patent snarky humor of his we all enjoy so much . . .

“Remember the LAST Dance we went to, where the vampires were all like ‘Arrrrrgh’ and you were all like ‘AHHHHHH?” 

I’m not even making that up!  Damon ACTUALLY says these words to Elena!  And it’s pretty friggin hilarious!  But Damon is not just saying it, to give fans of the show a little Season 1 flashback . . .

Memories . . . like the corners of my mind . . . misty water-colored memories . . . of the way we were!

He says it to remind Elena that she’s on the SCOOBY GANG!  And the Scooby Gang ALWAYS wins in the end!  GO TEAM!

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Having already swept Elena off her feet, Damon turns his attention to more practical matters.  And so begins his Ass Grind Fest with Bonnie Bennett, while the pair whisper Sweet Klaus Magical Murder Schemes in one another’s ears .  . .

Ponytail Elena, of course, is NOT AT ALL COOL with this!  No one is going to ASS GRIND with Damon, besides HER!  “What are THOSE TWO up TO?”  Ponytail Elena asks Jeremy pointedly, her kitty claws, ready to scratch Bonnie’s eyes out . . .

Ooh, I bet Damon LOVES it when she gets jealous!

A Broody Jeremy leaves the dance promptly.  So, Sensitive Stefan, always the group’s unofficial shrink, rushes to comfort him.  It is there, that Jeremy finally spills the beans on Bonnie’s Deadly Witch Sacrifice Plans.  So, of course, Stefan blabs to Elena.  And Elena confronts Bonnie.  And it becomes this BIG OLE Game of Telephone, Scooby Gang style! 

Elena pulls Bonnie aside, and tells her, once and for all, that she is NOT dying to save Elena’s life.  But Bonnie notes, not unkindly, that Elena would do the same thing for her.  And Elena can’t deny this . . . There is crying, and hugging, and all sorts of HO-mantic goodness .  . . and all while Poor Jeremy is getting his ASS HANDED to him, by a bunch of twerps, for the 85,000th time this season.  But when Damon and Stefan come to his rescue, they figure out pretty quickly that the twerps were compelled, and that this is all ONE BIG TRAP.

Meanwhile, “Alaric” has come outside to inform Elena and Bonnie that “Klaus has Jeremy.”  They quickly follow him back inside the school.  Ruh-ROH!

The Showdown!

I love how INCREDIBLY long it took Elena and Bonnie to finally figure out that Klaus had possessed Alaric’s body.  In fact, when AlarKlaus, who was clearly SO DONE pretending to be a mild-mannered history teacher, started verbally threatening them in the hallway, their first thought was that he was COMPELLED by Klaus to do it.  “Are you still on vervain, Alaric?”  Elena inquires.

Finally, AlarKlaus gives up being cryptic, and grudingly SPELLS IT OUT FOR THE GIRLS . . . “I’ll give you a hint, I’m not Alaric,” AlarKlaus admits.  (Well DUH!)  Now that all their secrets are finally out on the table, AlarKlaus comes clean about the fact that it is BONNIE he wants to murder this evening, not Elena.  So, Bonnie starts going all witchy on his ass.   But thanks to Sumo Warlock’s protection spell, it isn’t quite as effective as she would have hoped.  “If you kill this body, I’ll just have to go and get myself another one . . . maybe Jeremy’s,” Klaus notes . . .

“You mean, there’s a scenario out there, where I might actually WIN a fight, for a change?  HELLS YEAH!”

(Hmmm, now the Ugly Ass Ring of Immortality protects Jeremy from Death by Supernatural Beings.  I wonder if it protects him from possession by Supernatural Beings . . . interesting . . .)

Knowing a lost cause when they see one, Elena an Bonnie dash off in retreat.  Outside, the school, we see Damon employ a similar Divide and Conquer Vampire Trick to the one we saw Klaus use on Elena and Bonnie, earlier.  (I swear there must be a Vampire Playbook out there, somewhere!) 

“GO FIND STEFAN,” Damon instructs Elena.  (And she falls for it . . . AGAIN!)

Where’s your head at, girlfriend?  Keep this up, and the next thing you know, you’ll be hiding important ancient artifacts in soap dishes!

Alone again with Bonnie, Damon begins to describe to her his plan for Elena’s survival, in earnest . . .

Bonnie’s Big Sacrifice

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“You’re ass is GRASS, AlarKlaus!”

The Big Battle Scene between Bonnie and AlarKlaus takes place in some student lounge.  It’s not much of a battle, really.  Because the pair NEVER so much as lays a finger on one another.  We see Bonnie do her, nose bleed, raised hand, glaring thing.  Alaric gets thrown around the room a bit, Mini Gilbert style, but always gets up unscathed. 

Then, vending machines start exploding, and my heart goes out to the students at MysticFalls  High.  Because I know just HOW LONG school days can be, when you can’t get your $.75 pack of pretzels, or your $1.00 Diet Coke with Lime!

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Umm . . . Bonnie?  I don’t know how to tell you this, but your nose is like REALLY BLEEDING, and you’ve got some lightning sparks in your hair . . .

Speaking of Bonnie’s hair, I’ve just figured out the REAL benefit of witchy fighting: NO BAD HAIR DAYS!  You can save the world, and still look like you just stepped out of a salon!  (Well . . . as long as you plug up those unsightly nose bleeds, that is!)

Anywhoo, Elena arrives on the scene just in time to see AlarKlaus disappear into thin air, and Bonnie drop dead . . .

Now, if you’ve read these recaps before, you know that Bonnie and I aren’t exactly the best of “pals.”  But you’ve really gotta hand it to Nina Dobrev, and her Mad Acting Skills.  Because when she rushed onto the scene, and started bawling over Bonnie’s lifeless body, I must admit, I grew a bit teary-eyed, myself. 

Moments later, the Salvatore Bro’s rush onto the scene, with Damon instructing Stefan to get Elena away from the body, so that he can DO HIS BUSINESS.  Being the Good Little Boy that he is, Stefan complies. 

Meanwhile, Damon gently closes Bonnie’s eyes, and carries her down to some weird candlelit room.  (What’s with witches and candles anyway?  Can someone explain this to me?)  Damon finds Jeremy in the parking lot, and solemnly directs her to Bonnie’s underground grave.  When he gets down there, Bonnie opens her eyes . . .

SURPRISE!  Bonnie’s NOW A FLESH EATING ZOMBIE!  She’s ALIVE!  Haha, fooled you, TVD fans!  Aren’t accidental deaths meant to manipulate the audience into having FEELINGS for a character they may or may not have originally given two craps about HILARIOUS!

Now, that you’ve totally flipped your sh*t, it’s time for a little product placement.  You see, apparently, Jeremy brought his little mini laptop with him to the dance (DORK!)!  I’ll show you how he plans to use it in a bit.  Meanwhile, let’s go check on Elena, who’s not in on the “SUPER FUNNY” Death Fake Out, YET . . .

“I will ALWAYS choose YOU!”

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Back at Elena’s Casa de Rich and Awesome, Stefan is trying in vain to comfort his girlfriend, who is still completely inconsolate over the not-so-much-death of Bonnie.  When Damon comes  home from “burying the Witch Bitch,” a tearful Elena, really lets him have it, “You knew she was going to DIE,” Elena insists.

“Yes,” replies Damon.  *facepalm* 

(See, if I were Damon, my first words, upon entering the house, would have been.  “HAHA, BONNIE’S ALIVE!  APRIL FOOL’S!”  I mean, talk about burying the lead!)

Not surprisingly, Elena slaps Damon for his insensitive words . . . HARD! 

And THAT’S when Damon FINALLY decides to tell her the truth: that  Bonnie had to make Klaus BELIEVE she was dead, so that he would stop trying to attack her.  Damon’s reasoning for keeping this from Elena was that, he believed that, if she knew what was going to happen, she probably wouldn’t have put on as believeable a Cry Face, as she did that evening.  (Well . .  . it WAS a good Cry Face!)

Elena happily rushes to her room and heads online.  Back in the Bat Cave, Jeremy has set up his underground WiFi connection, which allows Elena and Bonnie to SKYPE together!  YAY!  Lamest Best product placement ever! 

You can just imagine the tagline on the inevitable commercial that will result from this,  “Have you faked your own death?  Are you bored and lonely, living life underground, while all your friends and family are having fun upstairs?  SKYPE can HELP!”

(Which reminds me . . . doesn’t Bonnie have parents?  Aren’t THEY going to start to wonder, why she never came home from the dance?  Aren’t there ANY good parents on this show?)

And YES, I am looking at YOU, Useless Aunt Jenna!  Little Miss, I’m Going to Live on Campus for a Week, While the Two Children in My Care Get Beat Up, and Psychologically Tortured, at a School Dance, and one of them somehow “Purchases” a MANSION!

AHEM!

Oh, DON”T even get me started!

Downstairs, at La Casa de Rich and Awesome, Stefan is pouting, because Damon didn’t let him in on the Oh-So-Funny plan he and Bonnie had to PUNK Elena.  Damon rightfully argues, that had he told Stefan, Stefan would have undoubtedly gone blabbing to Elena, and ruined everything.

“Don’t get me wrong Stefan, I don’t mind being the Bad Guy,” Damon begins.  “I’ll make all the Life and Death Decisions while you worry about the collateral damage.  I’ll even let her hate me for it.  But at the end of the day, I’ll be the one to keep her alive.”

Harsh words, Elder Salvatore . . . but true.  I actually think THIS moment represents a real turning point for the Stefan-Elena-Damon love triangle.  But not for the reasons you might think.  Remember back in “Rose,” when Damon told Elena that he loved her, but ultimately compelled her to forget it, because he felt that Stefan was more DESERVING of Elena’s love, than he was?

Who am I kidding?  Of COURSE you remember!  It was EPIC!

Well, THIS is the first time we’ve seen Damon actually question whether or not that is actually true.  Here, BOTH Stefan and Damon are coming to the realization that Damon MAY, in fact, be better equipped to save Elena, than Stefan is.  After all, Damon is willing to hurt Elena, in order to keep her safe, whereas Stefan might not be capable of doing so.  Interestingly enough, Stefan never contests Damon’s accusations against him.  Rather, he seems to take them to heart, in a very personal way.

And I think that it is THIS realization on Damon’s part, that allows him to be as upfront with Elena, about his feelings for her, as he is in the next scene.  While Damon does not go QUITE as far, as he did in “Rose,” in that he does not verbally use the word, “love” to describe his feelings for her, the words Damon does use are JUST as powerful of an indicator of that emotion. 

I’ll let you watch the scene in full first, so you can get the complete impact.  And then I’ll make a few choice comments . . .

Watching this scene again, I’m struck by how very HONEST both Damon and Elena are with one another, about their true intentions.  In hindsight, you can almost SEE the moment, when Elena makes the decision to do what she does in the final scene.  Once she’s decided, she all but telegraphs to Damon, her choice, as if begging him to say the thing that will stop her.  “Let me get one thing straight, I will NOT let Bonnie die for me,” says Elena.  “There has to be another way.”

You can try to hide your true  feelings from Damon.  But Flirty Hair Pulls of Lust don’t LIE, Elena!

But Damon loves Elena so very much, that he can’t hear what she is trying to tell him in this moment, which is tragic on so many levels.  “Let me get one thing straight,” he begins, “If it comes down to you or the Witch again, I will gladly let her die.  I will ALWAYS . . . CHOSE . . . YOU.”

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Just as Damon realized that he HAD to keep his plans regarding Bonnie a secret from Elena, in order to protect Elena’s life, Elena now realizes that she has to keep her decision from Damon, in order to protect Bonnie’s life.  And it is because they are both such similarly passionate people — who are willing to sacrifice everything  forthose they care about — that Damon and Elena will NEVER agree on the lengths they should go to keep Elena safe. 

I think my favorite moment of the scene, was the very final one.  This is after all the confessions have been made, when Elena realizes that her next move is going to be a major betrayal of Damon’s love for her.

After saying good night to Damon, Elena turns back toward him, and looks him straight in the eye.  (For a second there, I REALLY did think she was going to kiss him.)  Clearly, there was SO MUCH that Elena wanted to say to Damon: about his feelings for her . . . about HER feelings for him . . . and  about the sacrifices people make for ones they love.  And I actually think Elena came EXTREMELY close to telling Damon her plans regarding Elijah.  But in the end she knew that she couldn’t.  Instead, Elena leaves Damon’s room, sad, confused, and resigned to her fate.

As Damon watches Elena go, he too has left a lot unsaid, regarding just how much he truly loves her, and how much it kills him to see her in pain, especially when he is the one causing it.  And yet, now that Damon is FINALLY starting to realize how much he truly deserves Elena, there’s a good chance HE may unburden himself to her completely,someday soon.  Hopefully, that day will come sooner, rather than later.

But first . . . he will have THIS new development to deal with . . .

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As you recall, the Rhythm Method of Murdering Vampire Originals has one small catch . . . “pull out” too late, and you’ve got another pesky little vampire bun in your oven!  That’s right boys and girls!  Thanks to Elena, ELIJAH HAS RETURNED!

Speaking of Elijah, next week, we get to see him in Flashback Mode, complete with a Brand Spanking OLD haircut!  Oh, and did I mention the TITLE for next week’s episode?  It’s called “Klaus.”  Yes indeed, the REAL Voldemort will be showing his face on your television screen VERY SOON!  You can check out the extended preview for the episode, right here:

In the epic words of Elijah himself, “I believe the term you are looking for is ‘OMFG.'”

See you April 21st, fangbangers!

[www.juliekushner.com][Fangirls Forever]

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How Klaus Became the NEW Voldemort!- A Recap of The Vampire Diaries’ “Know Thy Enemy”

Damon:  “So, you’re KLAUS, now?  WTF Alaric!  I thought we were supposed to bros?  Do the words ‘Team Badass’ mean NOTHING to you?”

Alaric:  “Ummmm .  . . yeah . . . sorry about that.  But, hey!  At least I won’t be forcing you to hang out with my Boring Ass Girlfriend, anymore!”

Damon:  “True . . .”

OK, so remember THIS GUY?

“Dammit Harry Potter!  If I was on The Vampire Diaries, they would  have made me HOT . . . or, at least, given me a nose.”

Well, then you know how, in the first few Harry Potter books and films, “Big Bad” Voldemort never actually MADE an appearance.  He just hypnotized all these random folks to do his bidding, while he skulked around town, in search of a new face.  (Honestly, can you BLAME him?  I mean LOOK at the guy?)   

That’s kind of what Klaus has become on The Vampire Diaries.  Everybody talks about him.  Some folks even work for him.  But nobody seems to actually know what he looks like unless they read the spoilers.

In related news, Alaric Saltzman has officially become AWESOME once again . . .

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“AlarKlaus?”

He is also randomly sporting a bizarre new voice and accent, that makes him kind of sound like Yoda . . .

“Words . . . I speak.  Understand them . . . you will not.”

Oh, and in case I didn’t mention it before, THE LONG HIATUS IS OVER!  THE VAMPIRE DIARIES ARE BACK, FOR GOOD!

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Let’s get on with that recap, shall we?

Breaking News:   Useless Aunt Jenna comes face-to-face with an Evil Vampire . . . and actually DOESN’T invite her inside the house!

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There’s a first time for everything!

The episode begins literally right where we left, off a few months back, with Isobel (who’s such a RIDICULOUSLY awful mother, she makes that corpse in the basement at the end of Psycho look positively maternal, by comparison) arriving on Elena’s doorstep.  This makes things incredibly awkward for Useless Aunt Jenna, who, in the past few seconds, has just learned the following:  (1) her boyfriend’s wife is not quite as DEAD as he made her out to be; (2) that undead b*tch gave birth to Elena; and (3) everybody in Mystic Falls, except for Jenna, herself, already seemed to know this.  Needless to say, Jenna has had better days . . .

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“Wow, my character hasn’t done this much emoting on screen since . . . well . . . ever!”

Being the “rational and mature” guardian that Useless Aunt Jenna is, she responds to this Unwelcome Home Invasion by . . . throwing a temper tantrum, and disappearing for the rest of the episode.  (You’ve really gotta love all the stellar examples of parenting on this show.  It’s no wonder, everybody runs around, throwing eachother into walls, and biting one another!  It’s like Lord of the Flies on this show!)

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“SNIFF . . . now, I’m never going to get to see Alaric’s Chunky Monkey AGAIN!”

Speaking of Alaric, he stopped by the Gilbert House to (1) apologize to Useless Aunt Jenna for being a Terrible Boyfriend . . . and (2)  to do something us TVD Fans have been wanting to do, ourselves, since Season 1 . . . PUNCH Uncle / Father John in the FACE!

An image that has resulted in the destruction of many television screens . . . due to objects being thrown at them . . .

Meanwhile, over at La Casa de Rich and Awesome . . .

Kat Plays for Both Teams (in more ways than one)

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Katherine tells the Salvatore Brothers that, despite having played for Team Smug Asshole (a.k.a. Isobel and Uncle / Father John) for the past few episodes, she is now “TOTALLY” batting for our Salvatore Scooby Gang.  The CunningVamp promises to do whatever it takes to help those Sexy Salvatores save Elena, so long as that means offing Santa Klaus.  Of course, no matter how many times Katherine dances around the living room, like a girl who really has to peepreparing for a strip tease,  neither vampire brother particularly seems to trust her.

As it turns out, the brothers’ suspicions are well-founded!  Just a few scenes later, we find Kat encountering Isobel at the “Safe House” the latter supposedly purchased for Elena.   (“It’s the nicest foreclosure on the block,” Isobel notes proudly, in TVD’s first ever, Timely Recession Reference.)

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At first, Kat attacks Isobel, by . . .  throwing her up against the wall.  SURPRISE!  (I’m beginning to think this is some form of Bizarre Vampire Greeting, considering how often it’s done on the show.)  Soon after, the pair are being all flirty and seductive with eachother.  There’s definitely this odd sapphic chemistry between them.  In fact, watching Katherine and Isobel interact, I can’t help but wonder if these two have ever “known one another in the biblical sense,” if you catch my drift . . .

“Yeah, thanks for giving me Crabs, last time you were here!  That was fun!”

The other odd thing I noticed about Isobel, is that, ever since she’s returned to Mystic Falls, she has lost all emotional affect in her voice.  Every line she utters is delivered in this painfully dull monotone kind of like James Franco hosting the Oscars.  Of course, in hindsight, this noticeable change in Isobel’s personality (assuming she has one!) actually makes a lot of sense to her character’s particular plotline.  But initially, I must admit, I attributed it to bad acting.  (Sorry Mia Kirshner!)

“Don’t worry, I ain’t mad at ya!  (I’ll just eat you in your sleep.)”

While Isobel and Katherine chat, we learn that Katherine, at Isobel’s urging, is actually planning to cut some kind of deal with Klaus, in which her own life will be spared, in return for her turning over to him the Moonstone  . . . and Elena.

(We also learn that Isobel has a nickname for Useless Aunt Jenna . . .  “Auntie Vanilla “. . . I like it . . . but I still think “Useless Aunt Jenna” is better.  Just sayin’!)

Later, while Damon and Stefan are out playing Save Elena Games, Katherine begins ransacking La Casa de Rich and Awesome, in search of the Mysterious Moonstone.  Of course, she’s not averse to helping herself to a few of the boys’ OTHER possessions, while she’s looking . . .

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After searching nearly the entire house, Kat heads to the bathroom to wash her hands.  It is there that she locates the Moonstone, which has been hidden by Damon (who always said the darn thing looked like “soap, “anyway) in the Biggest Soap Dish Ever!

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Now, I know a lot of TVD viewers out there were understandably annoyed at the USUALLY brilliant Damon, for picking such a seemingly lame hiding place for such an important object.  Many of you might have even wondered why Damon, an admittedly “manly man” keeps so many Fancy Girly Hand Soaps in his bathroom, in the first place!  The answer to the second inquiry is quite simple, actually:  Damon REALLY likes getting clean . . .

As for why Damon chose the Soap Dish as the Moonstone’s Hiding Place, I’d have to say, the writers “compelled” him to do it, as a gift to US!   Because, think about it, had Damon NOT hidden the Moonstone in the soap dish, we would not have been treated to THIS . . .

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“GRRRRR . . . Wearing clothing makes me SO MAD!” 

Or this . . .

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“GRRR . . . Girly Soaps make me SO MAD!”

I rest my case.  Speaking of the Sexiest Salvatore. . .

Damon meets the ONLY women on the PLANET who don’t want him in their house!  (Of course, they are DEAD . . . and have no taste.)

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Just so you know, Damon . . . MY DOOR is ALWAYS OPEN!

Damon spends a large chunk of the episode hanging out with Witchy Bonnie and Mini Gilbert.  NOOOOOOO!  Hang out with ELENA, DAMON!  YOU ARE SUPPOSED TO BE HANGING OUT WITH ELENA!

A witch, a vampire, and a Gilbert walk into a house . . . I think I once heard a really bad joke that started like this . . .

You see, through his many years of trying to rescue Katherine from the tomb she wasn’t in . . . , Damon learned the location of the house where all the Mystic Falls witches were burned alive, back in 1864.  If Bonnie can harness the power of these witches, she can kill Klaus.  So, Bonnie, Jeremy and Damon, pick up a spell book from a probably VERY RANK- smelling Jonas’ house . . .

(BTW, I love how DEAD LUKA has been rotting away on the floor of that apartment for MONTHS, and nobody seems to care!)

 . . . and head to the all-powerful Witch Burning Site.

“Hi, honeys . . . we’re HOME!”

As it turns out, three is DEFINITELY a crowd, at the Dead Witch Bed and Breakfast.  And soon after Damon enters the house, strange things start happening to him. (Unfortunately, none of those “strange things” involve his clothing magically disappearing from his body.)

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First, Damon finds himself glued to the floor.  Then, his Sunscreen Ring suddenly stops working, and he gets the WORST SUNBURN EVER!  Wisely, Damon decides to leave the house before things get “too intense.”

Alone in Witchland, Bonnie and Jeremy start preparing to perform the “I see dead people . . . and take all their powers” spell.   While Bonnie mumbles and chants gibberish, the witches start whispering something in her ear. 

“Pssst, you’re boyfriend is REALLY HOT.  Think he’d mind if we all had Hot Invisible Poltergeist Sex with him?”

Of course, Nosy Jeremy wants to know what the witches are saying, but Bonnie won’t tell him (which means she probably agreed to the Hot Poltergeist Sex Thing).  Suddenly, Bonnie is screaming in pain.  And Jeremy gets ghost f*&ked thrown into a wall for the 85,000th time this season . . .

“I’m starting to think that the universe is trying to tell me something . . .”

Then, it’s all over.  And Bonnie and Jeremy celebrate, by making out again . . .

Outside, the house, Bonnie shows off her  newfound witchy powers, by making Mystic Falls have Really Bad Weather for 15 seconds . . .

I would have made myself a Super Model / Lottery Winner, instead . . . but that’s just me.

After doing some research, Jeremy learns that using all those witchy powers necessary to kill Klaus, will result in Bonnie’s death as well . . .

“ANOTHER Dead Girlfriend?  Are you friggin kidding me, with this?  That’s IT!  Next season, I’m totally turning gay!”

Speaking of soon-to-be-dead folks . . .

Isobel’s Big Plan

While in town, Isobel confronts Alaric, tells him how much she used to love him  . . . and has her Massively Large Warlock Body Guard, Jedi Mind Trick him into unconsciousness.  (Did you ever notice how EVERY vampire has their own witch on this show?  The Salvatores have Bonnie.  Elijah had Jonas.  Klaus has this nameless Sumo Warlock.  Is there some sort of a Witches R’ Us store in Mystic Falls that I don’t know about?) 

Isobel then heads to the Lockwood Mansion, where Elena is accepting some random award on behalf of her OTHER Dead Mom.  Once there, Izzie seemingly kills Uncle / Father John, by biting him in the neck and tossing him down a flight of steps.  (Geez, punched in the face, bitten, AND thrown down steps.  It’s not really this guy’s episode, is it?)

“At least I got to keep my balls all my fingers, this time!”

While, the crowd is tending to Uncle / Father John . . .

Katherine is “tending to” Elena . . .

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Moments later, Stefan finds “Elena,” and takes her out of the mansion.  The problem is, The REAL Elena is gone!

When Stefan finally figures out what has happened, Katherine, looking remarkably like Elena, stabs Stefan with a syringe (filled with what exactly?  It was never explained . . ) and tosses him into her “bush.”  Sexual symbolism abounds . . .

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And in this moment, Delena fans across the world, simultaneously updated their Tumblrs and Facebook pages, with the best thing that has happened to their SHIP (at least symbolically), since Damon told Elena he loved her in “Rose.” 

Then Damon magically appears!

After assuring the masses at La Casa de Lockwood that Uncle / Father John is unfortunately not dead yet, Damon proceeds to entertain them, by performing  a Ventroliquist and Dummy Act with Elena’s Bio Dad’s limp body . . .

“Now, watch me make him dance!”

Back at The Nicest Foreclosure in Town, Katherine gets  . . . kidnapped by . . . Sumo Warlock?

Meanwhile, Isobel drives an unconscious Elena to a grave site, that I had assumed would be for Elena’s adopted parents, but was actually Isobel’s own . . .

Isobel explains to Elena how no one is actually buried there (DUH!).  However, a part of Isobel really did die, when she became a vampire.  Isobel wistfully wishes that Elena got to meet the nice (probably dull) Isobel, who studied supernatural things, regularly boned Alaric, not to mention Uncle / Father John (Maybe she wasn’t so dull, after all!), and genuinely loved her bastard child daughter.  Then, Isobel gets a call from Sumo Warlock.  He tells Isobel, that her “job” is done, and Elena is free to go! 

Wait . . . huh?

Apparently, Klaus compelled Isobel to do ALL the evil crap she did during this episode!

OK . . . so let me get this straight . . . Klaus compelled Isobel to (1) get Katherine to find the Moonstone; (2) have Alaric kidnapped; (3) push John down the steps; (4) kidnap Elena; AND (5) betray Katherine, so that SHE could get kidnapped, while carrying the Moonstone. 

(Does being compelled give you, like, Super Human Memory or something?  Because that seems like a WHOLE LOT to remember to do  . . .   even for a non-Hypnotized Zombie Type . . .)

But at least now we know why Isobel seems to have lost her ability to emote, since last season!  She’s been a Klaus’ Toy Robot this entire episode!

Speaking of rotting and decayed flesh, Isobel tells Elena that she’s “sorry she was such a disappointment to [her].” The vampiress then rips off her Sunscreen Necklace (I thought they only came in rings!) and “tragically” meets the sun, a la Godric in True Blood.  The difference, of course, is that Godric made killing yourself, look pretty darn awesome, while Isobel, quite honestly, looked a bit rough, during her Dramatic Death Scene . . .)

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“I’m FLYING!”

Oh, HONEY!  You really need to moisturize!

“Isobel Fleming . . . consider yourself OWNED!”

Sayonara, Mama Isobel!  It’s been . . . REAL . . . interesting. 

(For those of you keeping score, Elena has now experienced, FIRSTHAND, the death of THREE PARENTS!  How many YEARS of therapy, do you think it’s going to take to erase THAT?)

Meanwhile, in Not-So-Clueless-Anymore Matt News . . .

And you thought TYLER did Caroline dirty! (a.k.a The Forwood is MUCH BETTER than Caratt Plotline)

“I have three things to tell you, Mama Forbes.  (1) I think your daughter is an Evil Bloodsucking Vampire; (2) she probably killed my Slutty Sister; (3) I’m SUPER hot for Cougars in Uniform . . .”

So, throughout most of the episode, Poor Caroline is trying to get in touch with Matt, who has been avoiding her, ever since she SAVED HIS LIFE at the Only Bar / Social Establishment in Mystic Falls.  (Way to be grateful, DOUCHE!)  When Caroline, inappropriately, asks Tyler’s mom, where Matt might be, the latter reminds Caroline that HER SON, TYLER is also missing, and that Forwood belong together, so Caroline should really get her priorities straight! 

(Oh, by the way, how weird is it that Snooty Mama Lockwood is officially, by default, the BEST MOM ON THIS SHOW?)

Outside, the Lockwood Mansion, Matt accosts Caroline’s mom, with crazy talk of vampires and supernatural beings having something to do with the death of his sister.  Later, Matt arrives at Caroline’s house, with some BIG FAT LIE story about Mama Forbes bringing him there to “cool down.” after his “outburst.”  Matt’s Big Monologue about how alone he feels, being the only Clueless Human in a clearly Supernatural World . . .

 . . .  is remarkably reminiscent of Tyler’s admission to Caroline (which also took place at her house) about how alone he felt, having to cope with the Werewolf Curse, all by himself . . .

Except . . . you know . . . Tyler’s speeched rocked, and Matt’s . . . well . . . didn’t.

Anywhoo . . . Matt claims that he wants to know everything about Vicki’s death, and what’s going on in Mystic Falls.   So, Caroline gives him these . . .

Just kidding!  But Caroline REALLY does seem to have told Matt everything that’s been happening on the show, at least, everything that has happened since she became totally awesome a vampire.  (I wonder how long THAT took!) 

Then, Cry Baby Matt tells Caroline that he’d rather not know all this Scary Stuff. WUSS! So, he asks Caroline to compel him to forget everything he just BEGGED her to tell him, moments earlier.  (Way to WASTE CAROLINE’S TIME, MATT DONVA$$HOLE!)  Reluctantly, Caroline obliges . . .

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“Don’t worry, Matt. Vampires and werewolves don’t really exist . . . And Santa Claus is real . . . and so is the Tooth Fairy . . . and the Easter Bunny.  Also, there is no war, or poverty, or hunger.  The world is a Perfect Place.”

The Big Twist comes just seconds later, when Matt hops into  . . . Mama Forbes car and starts boning her reveals everything.  “I did what you said.  I drank that vervain stuff, got [Caroline] to tell me everything, and then told her to make me forget it.  I think she DIED,” Matt whines to Caroline’s mom.  Caroline’s mom tearfully agrees . . .

Well YEAH, GENIUSES!  She DID die!  That’s what makes her a VAMMMM-PIRRRRRRE!

Honestly, I don’t know who made me madder in this scene:  (1) Matt, for manipulating Caroline, and then (AFTER hearing her obviously HEARTFELT, and extremely guilt-ridden, confession about what’s been going on in Mystic Falls) STILL not believing her to be the same sweet girl he supposedly fell in love with not too long ago . . . just because she happens to drink a little blood, every once in a while . . .

“That’s SO racist!”

 . . . or (2) Caroline’s OWN mother, for so easily thinking the worst of her daughter, just on the say-so of Some Dumb Kid She Used to Date.

You know, what?  Why choose?  Here’s what I have to say to BOTH of them!

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Come back soon, Tyler!  Your girl, Caroline, NEEDS YOU!

In MUCH Nicer Boy News . . .

Team Salvatore FOR THE WIN (for now . . .)!

How’s this for a rockin’ present?  Upon realizing that EVERY BAD GUY IN THE WORLD has access to the Gilbert home  (Thanks, AUNT JENNA!), and that Elena needs a place where she can be safe, Damon and Stefan decide to DEED LA CASA DE RICH AND AWESOME OVER TO HER . .  . OMG!  They gave her an ENTIRE MANSION!  Holy CRAP!

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Later, the two brothers bond over booze, and the knowledge that, because THEY are the only ones who know that Bonnie has her witchy powers back, she is  literally their Secret Weapon to Kill Klaus . . .

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Speaking of Klaus, Katherine wakes up on the floor of Sumo Warlock’s hideaway to hear him performing weird creepy chants over an unconscious Alaric’s head.  Then, “Alaric” wakes up . . . and he’s got this disturbingly evil look in his eyes, which makes me think Sumo Dude programmed him to be some Mindless Killing Machine.  But Nu-Alaric is something WAY COOLER THAN THAT! 

“Lovely Katarina.  I’ve missed you,” he warbles in that weird new accent of his. 

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“Klaus?”  A dumbfounded, and clearly terrified, Katherine replies.  (And . . . that’s when I peed my pants . . .)

Next week’s episode promises a WHOLE LOT MORE AlarKlaus, not to mention some funky costumes, and a TON of DELENA DANCING!

You can check out the kick ass extended promo for “The Last Dance” here:

Is it Thursday yet? 8)

[www.juliekushner.com][Fangirls Forever]

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The Vampire Diaries Eyecon Convention Day 3, Part 2 – Tyler and Jeremy Reunited!

Hi there, my fellow Fangbangers!  Welcome back to my third, and final, installment of The Vampire Diaries Eyecon coverage!  Today, we will be digging DEEP into the twisted minds of Steven R. McQueen (a.k.a Jeremy “Mini” Gilbert) and Michael Trevino (a.k.a. Tyler “Teen Wolf” Lockwood).  So, get out your shovels, fangirls!

(For those of you interested in additional Eyecon coverage, feel free to check out my “recap” of Paul Wesley’s Q&A, here and my, admittedly gushing, recounting of Ian Somerhalder’s Q&A, here.)

This particular blog post is dedicated to my FAVORITE Trevino Fangirl and Forwood / Taroline Shipper, Cherie over at My Spidey Sense is Tingling.  Definitely check out her blog for the most comprehensive, and best-written, Forwood-related TVD coverage on the ENTIRE internet.  I promise you, this is not an exaggeration.

So, are you ready for some juicy tidbits, and crazy Trevino / McQueen hijinks? 

Awesome!  Then, let’s get started . . .

Michael Trevino and Steven R. McQueen seem to work a lot of their press junkets and conference Q&A sessions together.  Having watched this dynamic duo in action, I can definitely see why!  On the show, Tyler and Jeremy may be forever teetering between being at one another’s throats . . .

. . . and bonding over their respective sometimes – broody natures, artistic talents, and the recent losses of both of their fathers.

But in real life, the relationship between these guys isn’t nearly as angst-y.  They are bromantic buddies, plain and simple. 

That definitely comes across when you see these two interact with one another.  Watching Michael’s and Steven’s easygoing banter on stage, as they jovially tease one another, and exchange inside jokes, you can tell that these actors are genuinely enjoying eachother’s company, as well as the company of their fans.  The laidback and inclusive atmosphere, made this Q&A session feel more like an evening spent sharing beers with friends, than a formal press junket.  And, for me, that is a VERY good thing!

So, how close are Michael’s and Steven’s personalities to the characters they play on the show?

Steven actually seems fairly different from Jeremy.  Whereas Jeremy seems quiet, kind of serious, and a bit of a loner, Steven is extremely outgoing, energetically animated, and gregarious . . . sort of a Class Clown type.  And yet, according to Steven, he and Jeremy actually share some similar interests.  Like his television doppelganger, Steven LOVES comic books and all things- animation. 

Of the two, I’d say Michael Trevino has more in common with his character . . . at least, the kinder, gentler, version of his character that we have come to know and love in Season 2.  A bit more reserved than Steven, but equally engaging with fans, Trevino shares Tyler’s pensive and mysterious nature. 

Every once in a while, Michael will get this grin on his face.  And you just know that there’s this hilarious running dialogue going through his head, which he’s not quite ready to share with the world.  Trevino also shares Tyler’s sly wit and dry sense of humor.

In terms of interests, Trevino is a HUGE television buff!  He loves watching True Blood, Dexter and anything with strong characters, intriguing plots, and a bit of gore.  But he DOESN’T like movies about vampires who sparkle . . .

My apologies, Edward Cullen!

Here’s what the pair had to say, on the following titillating topics . . .

Regarding their characters . . .

Not surprisingly, both actors had some pretty eloquent things to say about the roles they have been inhabiting for the past two years.   As for Steven, he notes that, in addition to getting both physically, and emotionally, beaten down, more than ANY character on this show . . .

 . . .  Jeremy has also genuinely evolved and matured throughout the course of the series.  “He finally seems to be finding himself, and getting what he wants out of life,” Steven explained excitedly. 

(Note: You can tell, by the way he talks about his character, that Steven REALLY doesn’t enjoy being TVD’s Resident Punching Bag.  So, I hope for his sake, and ours, that this aspect of Jeremy’s life will change very soon.)

When asked about Jeremy’s suicide attempt / thwarted vampire conversion in the Season 1 finale, Steven had this to say:

“[After Vicki and Anna died so soon after his parents’ untimely deaths] Jeremy felt like he literally had the Kiss of Death.  Everyone he loved seemed to die on him . . . He felt like a monster.  So, he wanted to physically become one.”

But Jeremy Gilbert wasn’t the only character to undergo a MAJOR transformation throughout the course of The Vampire Diaries.  Aside from literally transforming into a WEREWOLF, Tyler Lockwood also seems to have transformed as an individual. 

 The Tyler of Season 2 of The Vampire Diaries allows himself to trust and care for others in a way that Season 1 Tyler never could.  Suddenly, this character seems more real, and more vulnerable than ever before.  Ironically, the act of undergoing a werewolf transformation has made Tyler more human.

But don’t take my word for it!  Let Michael Trevino tell you himself . . .

“I don’t think anybody was really a fan of Tyler in Season 1,” Trevino notes.  “I know I wasn’t a fan of Tyler, then.  He was a jerk!”

“But then Season 2 came around, and you started to learn more about this guy, and why he is the way he is . . .  His father abuses him.  He feels alone.  And then he’s got this Werewolf Gene to deal with.  Things start happening to him that he doesn’t understand.  And fans began to relate to him, and develop some sympathy for him, because of what he’s going through now.  So, let’s love Tyler!”

(Oh, don’t worry Trevino . . . we DO!)

Regarding shirtlessness . . .

Speaking of those jaw-dropping moments on the show, when male cast members suddenly become clothing-challenged . . .

. . . these last few episodes of the season should DEFINITELY prove interesting for Mini Gilbert, since they promise a possible SEX SCENE between him and Bonnie . . .

“Awwwww YEAHHHH!”  Trevino exclaimed, in an uncharacteristically exuberant moment, when this little tidbit of information was revealed.  (So, either Trevino is a BIG Jonnie fan, or he REALLY likes to see Steven without his shirt on!)

But Steven won’t be the only TVD actor bearing his skin, in the final episodes of the Season.  Another Full Moon is on the horizon, and it promises to bring about Tyler’s return.  You know what that means, Forwood Fans!  Were-Tyler will be making a Very Naked comeback!  (Hopefully Coed Naked . . . if you catch my drift.)

Regarding their characters’ love lives . . .

Well, I already told you that Bonnie and Jeremy were probably going to DO IT this season.  So, it’s safe to say that these two will still be going strong, when TVD returns from its hiatus on April 7th. 

When Steven was asked to choose between his character’s two previous star-crossed lovers, the ever-diplomatic McQueen hedged his bets (though most of the fans in the room, seemed to overwhelmingly support Team Anna). 

The actor was more talkative about Jeremy’s new relationship with Bonnie.  “You know, every time Jeremy gets a love interest, she dies.  So, when I got the script, and saw that I was paired with Bonnie, I thought.  ‘She’s a series regular witch!  She can do all sorts of magical things!  So, she’s probably safe!  Geez, I wonder if I’m the one who’s in trouble now!”

Steven also noted how much he loved working with Katerina Graham.  “She’s a very talented actress and a really great person.  We really enjoy working together.”

But what about Tyler’s once blooming, but now halted, romantic relationship with Caroline?

Unfortunately, Trevino couldn’t really say very much about that, out of fear of spoiling upcoming episodes.  However, he did admit that he enjoyed the supernatural connection that Tyler and Caroline share, and the way in which these two characters relate with one another. 

In fact, when asked why fans should join Team Tyler versus Team Matt, Trevino seemed a bit surprised that this should be such a difficult choice!  “Uh ohhhh,” groaned Steven, playfully slapping Trevino on the back, when the question was asked.

In support of Team Tyler, Trevino had this brief, but effective, response.  “Where’s Matt?”  He snarked, noting his on-screen best-buddy’s / romantic nemesis’ absence from Eyecon.

“Low Blow, MAN!”

Regarding their favorite scenes from the show . . .

 Steven LOVED the scene in which Jeremy, upon first learning that Anna was a vampire, cut his hand, in order to tempt her with his blood.  The plan worked, of course.  And what resulted was a highly erotic episode of mutual handgasming (TM Cherie).  Was it any wonder, that after this, the couple soon ended up in bed together?

Both Steven and Trevino really enjoyed acting in their infamous Bottle-Breaking Fight Scene from Season 1.  “It was just so well choreographed, and cool to take part in,” explains Trevino.

Speaking of well-choreographed fight scenes, Trevino’s favorite episode of the show was Masquerade, in which he, Matt, and, ultimately, Caroline, engaged in a rather Matrix-esque battle of epic proportions.

“What about your first werewolf transformation, [in “By the Light of the Moon”]?”  Steven inquires of Michael.

“Oh, yeah, of course!  That was awesome,” recalls Trevino. 

Indeed!

Regarding what it’s like to play a supernatural creature (versus a human surrounded by them) . . .

When asked whether he would prefer to be a vampire or werewolf, Trevino emphatically said “WEREWOLF!”  He loves the strength and masculinity inherent in this man/ beast amalgamation, and the intensity of the transformation, as it is portrayed on the show. 

But what about Steven?  As we all know, Jeremy is one of the few remaining humans in the regular cast.  Does McQueen ever wish he got to play a more powerful being . . . one who . . . maybe DIDN’T get his ass kicked so often. 

“The way I see it, there are two [male] vampires in the main cast and one werewolf.  But there is only one of ME!  So, I figure they will keep me around for a while.  And I want to keep my job, PLEASE!”  Steven pleaded.

(Hmmm . . . notice how he didn’t mention MATT, as a fellow human.  Interesting . . .  Was that just a slip-up on Steven’s part?  Or should Zach Roerig be worried?)

“He said, what?  Awww, crap!”

Regarding past films, in which they were featured . . .

Hey, did you know that Michael Trevino and Steven R. McQueen BOTH enjoyed stints on Disney films with questionable, and possibly sexually suggestive, titles? 

Trevino starred in Cow Belles . . .

 . . . where he had the opportunity to “touch a lot of teet” . . .

McQueen starred in the high school time-traveling tale, Minutemen . .  .

. . . alongside Chelsea Staub, with whom he had recently broken up.  “It was kind of an awkward experience for me [working so closely with an ex],” Steven admits.  “There was no touching of Cow Belles on the set, not even for a ‘minute.'”

Regarding possible future movie projects . . .

Of all the cast members interviewed, Trevino was the only one who seemed to have a possible feature film in the can.  “It’s a homage to John Hughes, and has a breakfast club sort of feel,” he notes.

“We shot it in Detroit.  Hopefully, something comes of it.”

After a bit of digging, I learned that the film to which Trevino is referring is called The Lowenfish PartyBased on the IMDB synopsis, it DOES sound VERY Breakfast Club-esque, which is DEFINITELY not a bad thing!  Hmm, I wonder if Michael will play the loveable and jocky, Emilio Estevez character . . .

. . . or the Bad Ass, Judd Nelson one?

I guess we will just have to wait and see!

Speaking of films, Steven was asked whether he would ever consider playing his grandfather, Steve McQueen, in a biopic about the accomplished actor’s life . . .

“No, I think that would hit too close to home for me,” admitted Steven.  “Besides, he and I are so very different.”

Regarding the Best On-Set Prank . . .

So, remember that scene in The Return when Uncle / Father John (played by David Anders) was in his hospital bed, clad in patient-garb?

Well, apparently, when he got up to go to the bathroom, one of the crew members rubbed Hershey Kisses in his hospital bed, to make him think he “had an accident.”  (Ewww!)

Take that, BAD DAD!

Regarding cast members from Glee . . .

When asked about his friendship with Mark Salling, the gorgeous actor who plays Puck on Glee .  . .

. . . Trevino noted that he met him once, at the Superbowl.  “[Mark] seems like a pretty cool guy.”

However, Trevino did admit, above the snarky guffaws of McQueen, that he has “a lot of good friends in the Glee cast.”

Hmmm . . . I wonder who he’s talking about here?   Certainly not, his girlfriend, Jenna Ushkowitz (who plays Tina Cohen Chang on the show), right! 😉

Regarding Steven R. McQueen’s Possible Singing Career, Lack of Twitter, and Various Tattoos?

When asked if he would ever be interested in starting a singing career, like his very talented younger brother, Jessarae (who performed at the convention), Steven said, emphatically, “No.” 

“You know, when my brother first started singing, I felt very competitive  . . . and I wanted to see if I could sing too.  So, I put out a video on YouTube . . . and . . . well . . . many people who saw it, told me I should keep my Day Job.”

Well, fangirls, I found that video.  So, you can judge for yourself . . .

Upon being asked why he doesn’t have a Twitter account, Steven responded, “This may sound lazy, but there are a lot of fake accounts out there in my name.  And they seem to do all the work for me!” 

(Funny answer, though I kind of doubt that’s the REAL reason, don’t you?)

By the way, did you know that Steven has a tattoo representing his mommy on his chest?  (She was in the audience at the convention.  How sweet is that?)  Or that he has a happy face on his body that he put there, himself?  (Is that sanitary?)

Now you do!

Well, that’s all I’ve got, folks!  Thanks so much for taking this little journey to Mystic Falls with me!  It was truly an amazing experience . . . one I undoubtedly will remember for the rest of my life. 

Oh, and special thanks go out to my Amazing, Super Fun, Talented, and Witty Blogger Pal Amy over at Imaginary Men for LITERALLY taking this journey with me.  Believe me when I say, I NEVER would have done this, if it wasn’t for her.

See you all, April 7th, for the BIG TVD Return!  🙂

[www.juliekushner.com][Fangirls Forever]

 

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Filed under Michael Trevino, Steven R. McQueen, The Vampire Diaries

Come on, Damon, Light My Fire! – A Recap of The Vampire Diaries’ “The House Guest”

DAMON:  “Do you smell something burning?”

KATHERINE:  “There’s a fire . . . in my pants.  I’m burning up for your love, Damon.”

DAMON: “Katherine, it’s the 21st Century.  They have creams for that now .  . .”

Whew!  Well, THIS was a doozy of a TVD episode, wasn’t it?  Let’s see . . .

(1) We got to see Damon become more smokin’ HOT than ever before . . .

“Poke her, with that POKER, Damon!”

(2) Lots of sh*t caught fire (including the Only Bar / Social Establishment in Mystic Falls) .   . .

(3) We were treated to a very Gleeky musical review, brought to you by the Vampire Barbie, herself.   . .

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(4) Ding, Dong TWO witches are dead (for the price of JUST ONE!).

OOPS!  Won’t be using THAT screencap anymore!

(5) And the two MOST CLUELESS folks in Mystic Falls, FINALLY got a CLUE .  . . well  . . . sort of . . .

But, I think, if I had to choose my absolute FAVORITE part of “The House Guest” . .  . it would be all the highly sexualized Kat / Damon moments included therein.  After all, THESE moments added quite a few very sexy screencaps to my ever-growing collection.   And, of course, immediately upon concluding this recap, I plan to insert said screencaps into my”Damon & ELENA Forever” scrapbook.  (Yes, I said, Damon and ELENA!  What the rest of the world doesn’t know, won’t hurt them?  Right?)

But enough about my FAVE Soon-To-Be Couple, we’ve got a show to recap!

You Got SCHOOLED!

“Come on, Stefan!  If we don’t leave now, we’ll be late for school.  Remember school?  It’s that thing we keep forgetting to GO to?” Elena sing-songs, as she grabs seductively onto Stefan Salvatore’s shirt collar, in one of the at least six bedrooms of La Casa de Rich and Awesome.

That’s right!  Contrary to popular belief (and the fact that we haven’t actually seen her attend class since around the middle of Season 1), Elena IS, in fact, still a high school student.  And the clever, self-deprecating, writers of this show aren’t afraid to point out that, due to plot logistics, “attendance” doesn’t exactly appear to be Elena’s strong suit.  But let’s face it.  It’s not all Elena’s fault.  The fact that Stefan’s a little Horn Dog, who attended high school for literally centuries, and STILL doesn’t seem to own a diploma, certainly doesn’t help . . .  (Baby Salvatore is kind of like a Vampire Van Wilder, in that way!)

“Welcome to Home School!  Our first class of the day is Sex Education.”

But Elena’s got WAY more pressing problems than an overly amorous boyfriend, who will quite possibly make her late for class for the 35th time this year.  She’s got a case of mistaken identity on her hands .  . .

You know, last week, when Katherine popped out of Damon’s shower, asking for a robe, and a place to “sleep,” I just assumed that the rest of the Scooby Gang would get filled in on the identity of the newest Salvatore House Guest OFF SCREEN.  So, color me surprised, when Damon forcefully pushed Elena up against a wall, merely for wishing him “Good Morning” (So HOT, by the way!).  Interestingly enough, Elena had no CLUE why Damon would possibly mistake her for her doppelganger, when said doppelganger was supposedly still locked away in a Deep Dark Tomb!

Color me even more surprised, when, upon hearing of Katherine’s Great Tomb Escape, Stefan, not only doesn’t “rescue” his girlfriend from Damon’s clutches, he PUSHES HER AGAINST THE WALL, TOO?

“Really?  The WALL . . . AGAIN?  Why does everybody have to get pushed up against the WALL on this show?  That flimsy piece of plaster has probably seen more action in a single SEASON than Katherine has seen in her ENTIRE LIFE . . . and she’s Super Slutty.”

Fortunately, for Elena (or, unfortunately, depending on how you look at it), the REAL Katherine materializes in the doorway, and shows both Salvatore Brothers they are Wall Raping the Wrong Gal . . .

“If that were ME on the Wall, smothered by Salvatores, I’d have my clothes off, before you could say, ‘Katherine Pierce.’  That Elena is such a PRUDE!”

Needless to say, Elena is NOT pleased about the idea of having to share her precious Salvatores with another girl, who, coincidentally, also used to bone them both.   “Get her out of here!”  Elena yelps.

“Do you think our boyfriends will FINALLY be able to tell us apart, when you have a pretty stake sticking out of your heart?”

But Elena is not going to be able to get rid of the Kat so easily.  After all, having been Santa Klaus’ Honey Bunny back in the day, Katherine alone possesses the unique knowledge the Scooby Gang needs to kill the Big Bad Vamp We Still Have Never Seen.  And so, Katherine stays behind, while a grumbling Elena exits Stage Left, still trying in vain to remember what the heck her high school actually looks like . . .

“So, that’s high school, huh?   OK.  We’ve seen it.  Now, let’s LEAVE!”

On the way into school, Stefan offers to sleepover at Elena’s house, for a change, so the pair can keep their distance from a certain pesky doppelganger.  (Ahhh . . . another night at the Gilberts.  Hey, remember that episode, where Useless Aunt Jenna started randomly making lewd comments to Stefan about how LOUD he and Elena were during sex?  GOOD TIMES!) 

Unfortunately, for Stefan, Having Loud Sex While Jenna Listens is not on the agenda for tonight, not when Elena has already planned a “Girl’s Night,” with her besties, Caroline and Bonnie.  “Maybe KATHERINE could join us,” Elena snarks.

EXCELLENT IDEA, Elena!  I mean, seriously, how AWESOME would it be to have Vampire Katherine at YOUR Slumber Party?

“Hey girls!  What do you say, we play Truth or Dare and I compel you all to pick DARE each time?”

Speaking of Elena’s besties, Bonnie has been trying to maintain a secret relationship with Jeremy, ever since the Hot Energy Channeling / Saliva Swapping Party they had together, last week.

BONNIE:  “We can’t stand together like this all day.  Someone will notice.”

JEREMY:  “Just tell them I’m a very Close Talker.”

As for Caroline, she’s still trying to rekindle her relationship with Matt . . . but having limited success.

At school, Vampire Barbie and Still Clueless Ken continue to dance around their many issues.   Both parties are given an excellent opportunity to be honest with one another about their recent interactions with the recently departed Tyler.  But Caroline refuses to tell Matt about the connection she shared (and STILL shares) with Teen Wolf . . .

Meanwhile, Matt refuses to admit that his final conversation with Tyler included (1) Tyler admitting that he had fallen for Caroline; (2) Matt agreeing to “take care of Caroline” at Tyler’s request . . .

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Despite BOTH parties being to blame for the standstill at which their relationship currently rests, Matt announces to Caroline that she knows how he feels, and that it is “Her Move.”  Fortunately for Caroline (or UNFORTUNATELY, if you are a Forwood Fan like me), she sees a poster on the School Bulletin Board that gives her a good idea of what her next “Move” will be . . .

Back at La Casa de Rich and Awesome, Damon is blowing Elijah .  . .

. . . with a Blow Torch, that is.

Kudos to Damon for being just as clever as most of us fans are.  After all, the Elder Salvatore came up with precisely the same solution many of us suggested for the “Keep the Dagger, Lose the Body” Elijah Conundrum. 

The problem with this plan, of course (as Kat smugly notes, when she comes upon Damon still “carrying a torch” for her), is that, as an Original Vampire, Elijah’s body is COMPLETELY INDESTRUCTIBLE.  (See?  Even as a DEAD and UNCONSCIOUS guy, Elijah is one of the Coolest Characters on this Show!)

Unable to have the Baked Elijah dessert he was so hoping to enjoy, Damon turns his massively large and VERY phallic torch on Kat . . .

And just by the look on Kat’s face, when she sees that big STICK of Damon’s just inches away from her nether regions, we can tell that, unlike Elijah, Katherine is, indeed, VERY destructible.  “We want the same thing [Klaus dead].”  Katherine pleads with Damon, who is training his trademark Crazy Eyes on her, as we speak.  “And I always get what I want.”

Memories!

Talk about a Mood Killer!  Damon chooses this moment to bring up that time in the Not-So-Distant past, when Katherine reverse psychologied Damon into trying to stake Elijah with the Original’s Killing Dagger, knowing FULL WELL, that the mere act of doing so would KILL HIM.  “Yes, I knew you would die, Damon,” Katherine admits remorselessly, before leaving the basement.

It’s the End of Luka, As We Know Him  . . . (A.K.A. Why Jonas SUCKS as both a father and a HUMAN BEING!)

You know what, Stefan?  You have REALLY got to give up this whole “Trusting Other Supernatural Creatures” thing you’ve got going on!  Let’s see . . . in just the past few episodes . . . you trusted Isobel, and she tried to get Damon killed.  You trusted Tyler, and he let Brady and Jules kidnap and torture Caroline.  Now, your trusting Jonas and Luka.  And we all know THAT isn’t going to end well, either . . .

The Truth Hurts, doesn’t it, Mr. Vamp-tastic?

Allow me to give you some free advice, Little Salvatore.  Remember that  “I Used to Be a Monster Until Lexi Saved Me” confession you made to Elena last week?  Well, next time, let’s all just try to assume that every other Supernatural Creature on this show, who ISN’T part of your Scooby Gang, was NEVER saved by Lexi, and, therefore, is still very much a MONSTER.  Mmmm Kay?

Anyway, Stefan gets this brilliant idea that he and Bonnie can broker a deal with Jonas and Luka (also, apparently, known as “The Martins,” who knew?).  Under this “agreement” the Scooby Gang and “The Martins” can all kill Klaus together, like One Big Happy Family of Monsters.  So, Stefan arranges a meeting with the father/son team at .  . .  where else(?) the Only Bar / Social Establishment in Mystic Falls.  At that meeting, Stefan offers the family “his word” that they will not come to any harm, under his watch. (Haha!  Good one, Stefan!)

To his credit, Luka . . .

. . . (who, in all honesty, seems like he wouldn’t be such a bad guy, if he didn’t have such an ASSHAT for a dad), wants to take Stefan up on his offer.  But, alas, Evil Jonas Brother from Another Mother thinks the Scooby Gang is not to be trusted.  Furthermore, he believes that ELIJAH, not Stefan, is the key to defeating Klaus, and rescuing his daughter.  And so, Papa and Luka plan some Weird Mystic Seance Ritual, with the ultimate goal of “waking up” Elijah from his dagger-induced slumber . . .

Ever notice how every witch ritual on this show seems to involve Dark Rooms, Romantic Scented Candles, and lots of Hand Holding?  If I didn’t know any better, I’d say all this Witch / Warlock Mumbo jumbo is just one GIANT excuse to Cop a Feel . . .

So, here’s the plan.  Jonas and Luka hold hands and chant Ring Around the Rosie, or some crap like that.  This allows them to combine their powers, and project an Invisible Jonas into La Casa de Rich and Awesome, where he should be able to remove the Originals’ Killing Dagger from Elijah’s belly undetected. 

(Now I’m not a PARENT, so I can’t speak from actual experience.  But wouldn’t a GOOD DAD, who needed entry into a house of Bloodthirsty Vampires, go there HIMSELF, as opposed to sending his own flesh and blood into the Lion’s Den, FOR HIM?  Just sayin.’)

Parenting FAIL!

So, we see Luka’s “double” project himself inside the basement of La Casa de Rich and Awesome.  He finds Elijah on the ground, and begins to pull the dagger from his stomach.  Fortuntely, for our Scooby Gang, Katherine is also in the basement, picking up a Blood Snack.  Being the astute old vamp she is, Katherine promptly notices that the dagger in Elijah’s tummy is seemingly moving outward, on its own.  

Using her vampire strength and vast sexual experience, Katherine immediately begins the arduous task of sticking the large phallic object back inside the male form, lying prone in front of her.”

This sh*t’s HARD!  I really need to start working out more.  All that time in the tomb has made me flabby.  Hmmm  . . . I wonder what kind of Home Gym the Salvatores have . . .”

Back in the “Martin” house, Jonas instructs Luka to stake Katherine.  And he does . . . Though, honestly, I’m not sure what weapon he uses, considering the only one readily available is currently stuck inside Elijah. 

Then, Damon magically appears . . .

Yes, he was dressed (and dry) at the time.  But I decided to use this picture to illustrate him, anyway.  And you’re complaining because . . . ?

Damon prompty un-stakes Katherine.  Then, out comes that trusty BLOW TORCH AGAIN!  (You KNEW that was coming!)  Now Luka is on fire, both in La Casa de Rich and Awesome, and inside his home.  But because no one on this show ever goes to school, the poor guy doesn’t realize he’s supposed to “Stop, Drop, and Roll.”

“I wonder if my homeowner’s insurance will cover this .  . .”

And then THIS happens . . .

Nice knowing ya, Luka!

As for Jonas (who’s 100% at fault for his son’s premature demise, by the way), he immediately starts making all these weird growling noises, like he’s auditioning for yet another remake of The Hulk.  And, inappropriate as it may be, it’s kind of hard not to laugh at the guy, when he’s yelping like Chewbacca from Star Wars.  But I bite my lower lip, and manage to keep quiet.  After all, “Dead Luka” was kind of adorable when he played “Little Richie” on Family Matters  (See above).  So, for that reason, he deserves my respect .  . .

“Arrrrahhhhhhh grrrrooooooooooooo eeeeee!”

Speaking of Dead Witches . . .

In much lighter news, Damon and Katherine READ TOGETHER.  Alert the media . . .

Those of you astute fans, who guessed that Elijah was yammering on about Witch Massacres in History, last week, for a REASON, can mentally pat yourself on the back for a job well done . . .

As it turns out, ELIJAH didn’t own an Orignal’s Killing Dagger (Gee, I wonder why? ;))  However, HE did figure out that, when a witch dies, it leaves some of it’s power at it’s final resting place.  Elijah therefore reasoned that the spot in Mystic Falls, where a whole bunch of witches were killed, would be the IDEAL place for a “Witchily Re-energized” Elijah to kill Klaus. 

Still not willing to trust Katherine (Note to Stefan:  Distrust = a good thing!), when Damon finds the location of the Witch Massacre, as it is described in Jonathan’s books, he quickly passes this information along to his brother.  However, Damon purposely keeps the information from Katherine, despite the fact that she’s been helping him “research” all this time. 

(Knowing our writers, this will probably end up biting our Favorite Brooding Bad Boy Vamp in the ass, later.  And yet, I would have done exactly the same thing, if I was him . . .)

But before all that “learning” happens, we are treated to a few insanely hot moments of Damon and Kat, play fighting / dry humping one another all over the Salvatore Study . .  .

Mommy like!

But don’t you worry, Delena fans!  Damon still hasn’t quite forgiven Katherine yet for the whole, “I’ll Send Him Off to DIE” thing.  And, to add insult to injury, a suddenly SUPER honest Katherine chooses her Sexy Times with Damon to admit that she had initially bargained with Isobel and John (who wanted BOTH Salvatores dead) to save Stefan’s life over Damon’s.

(Note to Katherine:  The next time you try to get someone KILLED, but still want to have sex with them, when they ask you questions about it.  LIE!  LIE LIKE THE WIND!)

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Meanwhile, back at the Gilbert house . . .

Girl-Bonding, Confessions, and Eternal Flames

Tired of listening to Self-Absorbed, Party Pooping, Useless Aunt Jenna whine about how Alaric isn’t being honest with her  (“He’s only lying to protect you!” Caroline explains . . . and SHE would know!), the girls, at Caroline’s suggestion, decide to head out to .  . . you guessed it . . . the Only Bar / Social Establishment in Mystic Falls . . .

(Little do the girls know that Evil Jonas Brother from Another Mother has TRACKED Elena there, by fondling her Cheerleading Picture and Hairbrush.  Be afraid, Elena.  BE VERY AFRAID!)

At the Bar, Useless Aunt Jenna proceeds to get herself completely wasted, while giving Alaric the Cold Shoulder for his failure to explain TWO SEASONS of The Vampire Diaries to her in under five minutes . . .

Way to multitask, Girlfriend!

Speaking of cold shoulders, Caroline is still getting one from Matt.  And this prompts her to do something VERY BOLD!

After compelling the local musical talent to help her, “live out her rockstar fantasies, onstage” (LOVE HER!) Caroline expresses her feelings for Matt, by breaking into a surprisingly AWESOME rendition of the classic 80’s tune “Eternal Flame,” by the Bangles.

(Of course, the song’s title ends up being entirely prophetic, both in terms of Caroline’s “eternal” vampire status, and the fact that the whole place is about to, literally, go up in flames .  . . But, for now, we can just enjoy the “moment.”) 

When Caroline finishes singing, Matt hops up on stage, and plants a kiss on her lips, which is WAY more impressive than the lame one he gave her, a few episodes back though, not nearly as impressive as Tyler’s Ambush Kiss!.

While, Caroline and Matt head into the kitchen to make out some more, Bonnie decides to lay a little truth on Elena.  “Would it freak you out if I started dating your brother?”  Bonnie inquires, seemingly out of the blue.

“Well, it’s about damn time!”

Elena’s response is truly heartfelt, eloquent, and beautiful.  And, even though I don’t necessarily agree with it’s sentiment, I adore our heroine, for having the wherewithal to say exactly what her best friend needed to hear.  “My brother has been through a lot, lately,” begins Elena.  (Well THAT’S the understatement of the CENTURY!)

“He deserves to be with someone as amazing as you,” Elena concludes.  (Ummmmm . . . OK .. . if you say so!)

Unfortunately, the girls’ happiness doesn’t last long.  Hulked Out Chewbacca-Sounding Jonas starts burning the walls of the Only Bar / Social Establishment in Mystic Falls, in search of Elena.  Fortunately, Damon, Stefan, and  . . . get this . . . Katherine . . . have gotten wind of what Jonas is trying to do, and have headed to the burning bar to save her.  Bonnie, for her part, tries to reason with Jonas . . .

But Jonas is WAY beyond reason (and speaking English, for that matter)!  He simply puts his hand on Bonnie’s head, gives her a massive headache, and walks away.   Eventually, Jeremy finds Bonnie, and the two leave the bar together.  Thankfully,Stefan is also able to locate Elena, and get her out of the club, before Crazed Firestarter Jonas can get to her . . .

Oh!  Bloody HELL!

Caroline and Matt, however, are not so lucky.  (Ahhhh, the dangers of Making Out in Kitchens During a Massive Bar Fire!)  Ever the kickass heroine, upon seeing Evil Jonas, the plucky Caroline vamps out and pounces on the witch.  As a result of her heroism, Caroline is rewarded with (SURPRISE!) yet another Witchy Migraine.  (Way to be not-at-all creative in your torture tactics, Jonas.  To make matters worse, the now-crying Caroline is then tossed aside, like a stale piece of meat. 

To his credit, the typically Bland Matt rushes to Caroline’s rescue, only to BE STAKED IN THE NECK with a VERY sharp object.

I hate to break this to you Matt.  But red . . . is totally NOT your color.

Watching her boyfriend bleed to death, right before her eyes, Caroline has no choice but to eat him do THIS . . .

A little while later, when Matt regains consciousness . . .

“Weirdest .  . . dream . . . ever.”

 . . . Caroline makes the controversial decision NOT to compel Clueless Ken to forget what happened.  Instead, she decides to come clean to him about exactly WHAT she is . . .  a vampire.  To say that Matt doesn’t take the news well is an understatement . . .

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Look familiar?

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See what I MEAN . .. about the repeated throwing . . . of the people . . . against the WALLS?

Now Tyler, was TOTALLY cool with Caroline being a vampire . . . at least, initially.  He freaked out on Caroline for being dishonest with him about OTHER vampires.  On the other hand, Matt immediately assumes that, JUST BECAUSE Caroline is a vampire, she, MUST have killed his sister, Vicki.

(In the words of Brittany S. Pierce, “That is SO RACIST!”)

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Meanwhile, back at the Gilbert House  . . .

Nah-Nah, Nah-Nah, Nah-Nah, Nah-Nah, Hey, Hey, Hey, GOODBYE!

SAYONARA SUCKA!

Jeremy and Bonnie are rejoicing over Jonas’ surprising RE-GIFTING of Bonnie’s powers, and her newfound plans to conquer Klaus, herself (Yeah . . . because THAT’s going to work out well!). This Happy-Happy, Joy-Joy time with “Jonnie” is interrupted, when Stefan, and a surprisingly prickly “Elena” barge into the house. 

“It’s not over yet,” says “Elena” brusquely, as she rushes upstairs toward the bathroom, leaving Stefan to explain to the rest of the Scooby Crew what the heck is going on . . .

We then see “Elena” look in the bathroom mirror.  Within seconds, Jonas materializes behind her.  Then, THIS happens . . .

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HAHA!  FOOLED YOU! 

So now . . . Jonas is dead.  And, of course,  judgy Bonnie, is whining about how she “didn’t have to kill him.”   (Ummm . . . Bonnie . . . actually . . .  SHE REALLY DID!)

Meanwhile, in my mind, Elena and Damon are ALONE in La Casa de Rich and Awesome having REALLY HOT SEX . . .

(A girl can DREAM, can’t she?)

When Kat and Stefan return, Elena is not all that happy to see her doppelganger, despite the fact that Kat has “graciously” returned the vervain necklace to her lookalike . . .  (Now, why does this scene strike me as familiar?)

*sings* Memories .  . . like the corners of my mind . . . Misty water-colored MEMORIES!

Kat promises Elena that she is not a threat to her.  After all, Kat presumably needs Elena alive, in order to kill Klaus.  The question is, can we really trust THE KAT. 

Well, I can’t speak for Stefan or Elena, but, after watching these next two scenes, I know what DAMON would say . . .

Kat Gets DE-NIED!

In the study of La Casa de Rich and Awesome, Kat decides to decompress, by reading a little more about the Exciting Life of Jonathan Gilbert (Zzzzzz!).  Fortunately, Kat doesn’t have to be bored for long.  Damon is there waiting for her, with a VERY SPECIAL SURPRISE!

SURPRISE! 🙂

“That’s for trying to get me killed.  Next time, it goes in your head,” Damon growls.

Apparently, Kat finds this whole “Staking Thing” a HUGE turn on, because she winds up in Damon’s MASSIVELY LARGE bed, just a few hours later.

Suddenly, Kat is being all coquettish and seductive.  Before we know it, she’s straddling Damon, and kissing him ALL OVER!

Damon’s response to this seduction:  “There are at least six other bedrooms in this house, why don’t you go find one of them?”

Translation:  Umm . . . Kat . .  .

Alternate Translation:  “I LOVE YOU, ELENA!”

See these?

They belong to KAT, now! 

Girlfriend, I feel your pain.  I’ve been there . . . well . . . sort of.  Might I suggest a VERY COLD SHOWER?

In other news . . . Alaric told Jenna he loves her . . . zzzzzzzzzzzz .  . . He’s also still wearing WAY too much guyliner . . .

As for Jenna, well, in the last few seconds of the episode, she gets a Very Special Visitor . . .

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She’s BAAAACK!

Jenna . . . you remember ISOBEL, right?  You know, Alaric’s supposedly DEAD wife?  The one who also, at least according to her, is Elena’s BIO MOM?

Oh, Alaric . . . you’ve got some ‘SPLAINING to do!

And, there you have it, the LAST Vampire Diaries episode until  . . . APRIL 7th!

Don’t worry, Fangbangers!  We’ll get through this together . . .

[www.juliekushner.com] [Fangirls Forever]

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Hooked on Phonics Worked for Elena! (But Not for Elijah) – A Recap of The Vampire Diaries’ “The Dinner Party”

ELENA:  So when it comes to being super hot, and killing supernatural creatures, like it’s your job, you both get A’s.  But as far as reading comprehension and following directions go?  YOU TWO FAIL .  . . MISERABLY!

DAMON:  I am so Hot for Teacher, right now . . .

STEFAN: Is this going to be on the exam?  Because I’ve been in high school for 140 years.  And I’d really like to graduate some time within the next century . . .

It’s not often that you get a supernatural teen television drama, that also stresses the importance of careful READING.  And yet, that’s exactly what this week’s installment of The Vampire Diaries taught us.  Though the hour arguably ended “happily” unless you are Elijah, of course (I MISS MY ELIJAH ALREADY!), what happened to our Mystic Falls Scooby Gang this week should serve as a cautionary tale to all of us.   And the moral of the “story” is this:  Terrible things happen to people (and vampires) who fail to READ BETWEEN THE LINES . . . or, in some cases, the LIES.

In other news, all those fans out there who complained that Elena Gilbert is a “wimpy” / “whiny” heroine — who refuses to fight for herself — are currently enjoying “dessert,” right now . . .

Mmmmm . . . crow . . . yummy!

Let’s get on with the recap, shall we?

Dark Stefan –  The Prequel (A Jonathan Gilbert Story)

Dear Diary,

Today I OWNED every vampire and human on this show.  So, if anybody EVER compares me to Bella Swan again, I will shove my Original’s Killing Dagger SO FAR UP THEIR ASSES, they will wish they were NEVER BORN . . .

Hugs and Kisses,

Elena

When the episode begins, believe it or not, Stefan and Elena are STILL on their “Romantic Getaway” at the Gilbert Lakehouse.  Even after a fun-filled evening of being stalked, shot at, and held at gun point by a bunch of rabid and drooling werewolves, Stefan and Elena somehow still remain under the assumption that they can salvage their “vacation.”  Their idealism is either really inspiring, or incredibly disturbing.  I’m not sure which . . .

Then again, it’s entirely possible that the only reason this couple is sticking around the Lakehouse, is that they dread sharing a car with one another, for the long ride back to Mystic Falls.  After all, tensions have been high, and interactions icy, ever since Stefan found out that Elena plans to kill herself (via Santa Klaus-icide) to save the rest of the Scooby Gang from further harm.  In other words, there has most certainly been NO SEX in the Lakehouse Champagne Room!

This would probably explain why I found THESE in Stefan’s underwear, last night . . .

“Scientifically” speaking, I’m not even sure THIS can happen to vampires.  But if it CAN, it probably happened to Stefan at the Lakehouse . . .

Anyway, after their fight, Elena and Stefan are keeping a safe distance from one another.  As for Stefan, he is out on the dock, gossiping, like a little school girl, with his Big Bro Damon . . .

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DAMON:  “And that Dorky Werewolf was like, ‘I’m going to kill you.’  And I was like ‘Ow, my neck hurts,’ and then Elijah was like ‘RIPPPPPP, hey Damon, wanna eat some were-hearts with me?’  And I was like ‘Cool!  I still want you dead though.’  And Tyler was like ‘I’m outtie 5,000.’  . . .”

STEFAN:  “Yeah, I know, Damon.  I watched the episode on ITunes, last night . . .”

Meanwhile, Elena is camped out on the couch, reading the “exciting” tale of how her boyfriend once ate all her ancestors, thereby almost preventing her from EVER BEING BORN!

“W TF, Stefan!  I better be getting a REALLY expensive anniversary gift, if you want to make up for this one!”

You guys have met Dark Stefan, right?  You know . . . he was the guy from the “Miss Mystic Falls” episode, that aired last season — the one who ditched his girlfriend at the local beauty pageant, so that he could suck on one of her competitors. 

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Well, he’s BAAAAAACK!  (And I mean WAY BACK . . . like, 1864 . . . back.)

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(By the way, my personal apologies go out to the over 550 people who searched for “Stefan Salvatore Fist Pumping Gif” this morning, and were mistakenly directed to my blog by WordPress, even though I didn’t actually “own” this GIF until about two hours ago.  Oops!)

Thanks to Jonathan Gilbert, and his compulsive need to write EVERYTHING DOWN, we are whisked back in time, to 1864, along with Elena.  Once there, we witness Jonathan Gilbert enjoying a nice “Dinner Party” (Ahhhh . . . parallels!  Gotta love em’!) with the other so-called “Founding Families” of Mystic Falls.  Suddenly, there is a rustling in the trees, outside . . .

So, the “Brave” Jonathan, and another random Town-Founding Dude, head outside to investigate.  Jonathan immediately whips out his trusty Cereal Box Toy Vampire Detector Watch, to determine if EVIL is truly afoot. 

It’s not afoot (YAY!) .  . . and then, suddenly, it is (BOO!).  Within seconds, Founding Dude 2 becomes a Vampire Happy Meal.  So, does Jonathan, for that matter . . .

 Or DOES HE?  As it turns out, in addition to being the owner of cheesy Vampire Detector Watches, Jonathan also wears an Ugly Ass Ring of Immortality.  And so, he returns to life, after being eaten. This enables Jonathan to ID his killer in his diary.  And I bet you can’t guess who it is?  (I’ll give you a hint:  His name rhymes with Mefan Malvatore.)

“Oh, Stefan!  You have some ‘splaining TO DO!”

Back in Present Day, Stefan saunters back into the lake house.  Apparently, his fun little conversation with Damon has done little to improve his mood.  The Dude still has a MAJOR stick up his ass, over the whole “Elena Suicide Pact” thing.  (Poor Schuck!  He has NO IDEA of the massive sh*tstorm he’s about to walk into.) 

“Still mad?”  Elena asks her beau slyly.

I won’t recap for you EVERYTHING Stefan says in response, because he basically details all of last week’s episode, in his speech.  However, I WILL tell you that he was dumb enough to end his monologue with “That’s the understatement of the century.”  *facepalm*

“YOU would know!”  Elena snarks.  (Silly Stefan!  You walked right into that one . . . or should I say “that pun”!)

Stefan admits that he ate the founding families because he was really hungry because he was pissed at them for what he THOUGHT they did to Katherine.  He hadn’t expected Jonathan for to survive, and finger him (OK . . . that sounded dirty) for the murders.  Stefan then reluctantly agrees to tell Elena all about the fabulous life / redemption arc of 1864-era Dark Stefan.  After all, better she find out all the bad stuff from HIM, than from her half-chewed wackadoo ancestor!

We are then treated to a fun little 1864 taste of what it would be like if Paul Wesley was cast as DAMON SALVATORE, and Ian Somerhalder as STEFAN.  (PERISH THE THOUGHT!)  We see Dark Stefan chilling in his mansion (La Casa de Rich and Awesome — MY HAVE YOU CHANGED!).   Evil Steffy apparently fills his days by screwing the townie girls’ little peabrains out, and then EATING THOSE BRAINS, once he’s finished screwing the bodies attached to them . . .

Enter Cockblock Damon (I can’t even BELIEVE I am using those two words in the same sentence!) with his Adorably Curly 19th Century Hair, and Judgy McJudgerson Puppy Dog Eyes . . .

Good Damon compels all Stefan’s little tartlets to leave La Casa de Rich and Awesome immediately, and never come back — thereby, effectively saving all their lives.  Damon also tells his brother, in his Stefan-iest voice, that the latter’s “appetites” are going to get them both killed, if Dark Stefan is not careful.

Having grown tired of Dark Stefan, and his tendency toward emotion free screw-killings, Damon has decided to skip town ALONE.  Upon hearing this, Dark Stefan shows emotion, for the first time during this flashback.  Clearly, desperate for companionship, he begs his brother to reconsider . . .

“If you stay, I’ll let you eat the girl behind the Piano’s boobs!”

But Damon is far beyond putting up with his Brother’s B.S.  He has already made up his mind . . .

So, a dejected Stefan heads out to a Civil War Battlefield for more Human Snacks.  He comes upon a blonde chick in a hood, and tries to gnaw on her.  The only problem is, she’s a vampire.  In fact, she’s a vampire who WE ALREADY KNOW!

 

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The Awkward Moment when you try to eat a girl (non-sexually, of course), and she ends up being dead . . . ish.

OMG!  It’s LEXI!  Remember her from the 162 Candles Episode?  If not, she was Stefan’s bestie .  . . who celebrated his birthday with him . . . Then, DAMON KILLED HER to cover his ass for murders HE COMMITTED!

GOOD TIMES!

Anyway, as it turns out, it was Lexi who crashed with Stefan during those dark 1864 days.  And it was Lexi who taught Stefan that turning off your feelings isn’t the “right” way to be a vampire.  After all, vampires with NO feelings can’t get horny FALL IN LOVE!  And “love conquers all!”  (OK . . . that whole speech was nauseatingly cheesy!  But we like Lexi, so it’s acceptable from her . . . I guess.)

Perhaps, the most poignant moment of the flashback is when Lexi and, her future murderer, Damon, meet on the stairwell of La Casa de Rich and Awesome, as he is heading out of Mystic Falls, en route to becoming the SUPER HOT, but also DEEPLY wounded and tormented, vampire he is today . . .

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Lexi prophetically warns Damon that the day will come when the anger he is feeling toward his brother for depriving him of his human life, will consume him, and lead him toward darkness.  In return, Damon asks Lexi to promise to take care of Stefan, because he clearly needs it.  And Lexi keeps that promise . . . well . . . until Damon kills her, of course.

You know . . . you’ve really gotta hand it to Stefan.  Here’s a guy who LITERALLY murdered his girlfriend’s entire family.  And, yet, he somehow manages to turn the story of how he did it into a GUILT TRIP against his girlfriend for being willing to die to SAVE HIS LIFE!

At the end of the flashback, Stefan tells Elena that HE never gave up on life, despite having once been a Sociopathic Mass Murderer, so she shouldn’t give up either.  Ummmm . . .  How sweet (?)

“It was a solid effort.  But you are still not getting laid this weekend, you Gilbert EATER!”

Speaking of relics of the past, let’s talk about BONNIE’S POWERS!

From Bewitched to Un-witched

“When I said I was looking for a new ‘Choker,’ this wasn’t exactly what I had in mind . . .”

Oh, Bonnie!  You didn’t really think you’d be able to Mind Rape Luka —

 . . . son of the Big Bad Jonas Brother from Another Mother —  and NOT suffer any consequences, as a result, did you?  Awwww, YOU DID, DIDN’T YOU?  That sucks!

When we first see Bonnie, her and Jeremy are alternating between eye f*ckery, and dancing around the issue of their little makeout session from last week . . .

After THAT KISS, and weeks and weeks of these two circling one another like dogs in heat, I REALLY can’t believe that Bonnie is STILL yammering on with her whole “What will Elena think, if I start boning her brother?” nonsense.  It’s annoying!

Jeremy obviously thinks so too.  But, fortunately, for Bonnie, he  unlike ME also finds it endearing.  For this reason, Jeremy plans to woo Bonnie by planning a not-date / date — one that expertly masquerades as “Witch Practice.” 

Damn, I’m SMOOOOTH!”

That being said, I did have a teensy weensy bit of an issue about Jeremy using thousands of friggin candles as “date decoration.”  Not only is that a MAJOR FIRE HAZARD (Honestly, doesn’t the Gilbert Household have enough PROBLEMS, without you trying to BURN IT DOWN, Scrappy Doo?), it also kept reminding me of the LAST TIME Bonnie and Jeremy found themselves surrounded by similar “date decorations” . . .

Yeah . . . ummm . . . Jeremy?  Last I checked, kidnapping, mind rape, and spell-induced seizures?  Not exactly romantic!

Fortunately for Jeremy, Bonnie isn’t bothered by the candles nearly as much as I am.  And, within moments, her and Jeremy are dry humping “channeling eachother’s energies” on the floor.  (So, that’s what the kids are  calling it, nowadays! ;))

Then, suddenly, THIS HAPPENS . . .

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*sings*  “Ooh, what a feelin’!  When you’re dancin’ on the ceiling!”

That’s right, boys and girls!  As it turns out, Papa Warlock is not too keen on the whole “Mind Rape of his Son” thing.  So, after throwing Jeremy AGAINST THE WALL OF HIS OWN HOUSE, and MAKING HIM STICK THERE, like a Giant Human Spitball, Jonas turns his attention to Bonnie, who he strangles, while chanting gibberish.  “This is for your own good,” he tells her.

When Jonas finally lets Bonnie go, and Jeremy can peel himself off the wall, the latter rushes to his new gal pal’s side, to make sure she’s OK.  “He took my powers,” Bonnie gasps, as if unable to believe that this is really happening to her. 

(OH, BELIEVE IT HONEY!  BECAUSE IT”S TRUE!  A guy like Jonas, who can murder dozens of werewolves with a Headache Spell, can SURELY take away YOUR lame-ass powers, in a heartbeat.)

“I’ll get you my, Bonnie!  And your Mini Gilbert too!”

All kidding aside, I actually think there is something to be said for Jonas’ seemingly throwaway comment to Bonnie that he took her powers away, for her own good.  After all, we all know that WITCHES are extremely important to vampires, particularly ORIGINAL vampires like Santa Klaus, who are intent on breaking the Moonstone Curse.  We also know that Jonas’ daughter is being held captive by Klaus BECAUSE of her powers.  If Bonnie is just boring and annoying normal, she will no longer be at risk to be targeted by dangerous supernatural creatures with ulterior motives.  Just sayin’!

Uh Oh!  Bonnie didn’t seem to like that comment.  I really hope she doesn’t give me . . . Oh wait, that’s right, she can’t do ANYTHING to me anymore, can she?  Because she doesn’t have powers!  HAHA! 😉

Now that we’ve gotten all THAT out of the way, on to the GOOD STUFF . . .