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Population Control – A Recap of Game of Thrones’ “Sons of the Harpy”

obi wan

The Game of Thrones is a bloody one. There are no elections in Westeros. So, if you want to hold office, there’s a good chance you are going to be holding it over someone’s dead body . . . multiple someones, more likely than not.

For those of you who complained, “This season of GOT is not nearly bloody enough. I mean, sure, we had the obligatory Big Death at the end of each episode, Burning Mance in episode 1, headless Dany follower in episode 2, headless Janus at the end of episode 3 . . . that old guy at White Castle the House of Black and White. But I want some serious carnage. The sound of swords searing through flesh . . . rotting, fetid corpses in other places apart from the Bolton’s house, where they are merely decoration . . . a mountain of dead red shirts and extras, whose names we will never learn,” this, my friends, was the episode for you.

Let’s begin the body count, shall we?

She’s Just Not That Into You

Jorah-Mormont-house-targaryen-24524217-800-450just not

Poor Jorah. He truly believes that kidnapping Tyrion Lannister and hijacking a ship to Mereen is going to get him out of the dog house and into the pants of the Mother of Dragons. Clearly, he hasn’t been watching Game of Thrones this season, and, therefore has no clue about This Guy   . . .

daario

Hate to break it to you, Jorah, but a dumpy boat, and a humorous dwarf have nothing on washboard abs and a smug hipster in his sexual prime . . .

Speaking of boats   . . .

It Has To Be Me . . .

If Bronn is to be believed, the Dornish people currently holding Cersei’s only female incestuous love child with Jamie, are a bunch of nymphomaniacs with anger management issues and spectacular tans.

fuck and fight

“No offense, but sailing to Dorne on a merchant ship and rescuing your “niece” doesn’t really seem like a suitable job for a one armed pretty boy like yourself,” Bronn muses. “Why don’t you, I don’t know, pay for an army with your ridiculous wealth and power or something.”

“I’ve conceived three abominations with Cersei, and only one turned out to be a total sociopath / possible spawn of Satan,” Jamie explains. “I am grateful to the gods for this stroke of luck, which I may deserve a little bit, because I’m occasionally nice to Brienne and Tyrion. The least I can do is rescue my illegitimate, incestuous, but fortunately not three-headed, child from a life of beach blanket whoredom in Dorne, a.k.a. the Cancun of Westeros.”

“Spring BREEEEEAAAAK,” exclaims Bronn triumphantly, in a voice that sounds suspiciously like James Franco in that Harmony Korine movie with all the naked Disney stars . . .

Religious Cults are the Worst

sinners equal

After sending any potential dissenters in young King Tommen’s council on paid vacation, Cersei visits the kindly old poo-smelling man she made pope in last week’s episode, and gives him an army to beat the sh*t out of everybody basically.   The new High Sparrow’s “Faith Militant,” i.e. crazy cultists with creepy head tattoos like Charles Manson, led by Cersei’s cousin and former bedmate, dumb-but-hot Lancel,promptly proceed to break into Littlefinger’s brothel, assault and murder a few sex starved old guys and prostitutes, and later imprison, Sir Loras a.k.a the Knight of Flowers, a.k.a Renly’s former adoring boy toy, a.k.a. Queen Margaery’s scamp brother, for being a homosexual.

tough marg

Lovely Pedophile Margaery promptly appeals to her prepubescent husband to ameliorate her brother’s dire situation. “Tell your bitch of a mother to let my brother out of sex prison,” she demands. “Or you won’t get laid again until you are old enough to get a driver’s license in America.”

“But that’s seven years away,” whines Baby King Tommen. “17 is so old! Almost legal!”

“Well, you better get to work then, Little Blue Balls,” demands Margaery.”

blue balls

“Mother,” Tommen later demands. “I insist that you release Gay Loras from prison, so that I can continue to be regularly statutorily raped by my wife, Lovely Pedophile Margaery.”

“No can do,” relents Cersei. “But maybe our new Smells Like Poo Pope can save your disturbing sex life for you. Why don’t you ask him yourself? You are king, after all, even if you still suck your thumb and occasionally wet the bed.”

Tommen obediently attempts to visit new Smells Like Poo Pope, but is blocked by his creepy cultists, who insist he is praying and cannot be disturbed.   “You could kill his minions and take Smells Like Poo Pope by force,” offers one of Tommen’s guards. “It’s WTLSDJWD”,

“Huh?” Tommen asks incredulously.

“It’s What that Little Shit Dead Joffrey Would Do,” the guard answers matter-of-factly.

joff 2

King Tommen considers this briefly, but quickly finds himself distracted by all the townspeople calling him an incest baby, and has to leave quickly. “I’d totally murder you, but I’m long overdue for a breastfeeding by mommy, TTYL,” offers Tommen politely, as he excuses himself.

“Sex denied,” Margaery proclaims later that night, when Tommen gives her the bad news about Loras’ indefinite incarceration. “You can use your hand tonight.”

Tommen sighs sadly, then quickly extends his arm to pet and fondle all the furry pussies in his life that don’ t belong to his inappropriately-aged wife. It’s still a lot of pussy, just saying . . .

tommen with cat

In Which Everybody Loves Jon Snow (Except, perhaps, for the guy he decapitated last week)

Back on the wall, Jon Snow is teaching his men, how to fight, and Stannis is watching him adoringly from above. (Methinks someone has a Man Crush!)

Apparently, Stannis’ wife thinks so too, because she pops by to passive aggressively gripe and complain to Stannis about his thinly concealed warm fuzzies for Ned Stark’s bastard kiddie. “Gee Stannis, I’m so sorry I birthed you a girl with scar makeup on her face, instead of a strapping young hunk of man meat, like Jon, or an evil shadow baby that murdered your awesome brother like Melisandrei.”

Hey, did you guys ever notice that Stannis’ wife is kind of the worst? I mean, I’m not one to at all condone adultery, and certainly not with creepy Melisandrei, who may very well be Satan in disguise. But if anyone has the right to feel a wee bit dissatisfied with his marriage, it’s this guy.

stannis and grumpy cat

Speaking of Evil Melisandrei, she magically appears to remind Stannis to take her into battle at Winterfell with him, because, one never knows when they might need a woman who produces black shadows from inside her lady parts to vanquish one’s enemies.

Later on in the day, Jon Snow learns that, while the best part of being a commander is being able to sit at the big kids table at meetings, and occasionally decapitate rude baldies, the worst part is most definitely the paper work. Fortunately, Samwell Tarley is a kickass executive assistant. He puts the papers in front of Jon, and all the latter has to do is sign them.

“What is all this crap?” Jon inquires, as his signing hand starts to cramp up.

“You see Jon, over the past few seasons, we’ve murdered a lot of red shirt wall watchers in various battles,” explains Sam. “And just last week, you cut off the head of a bald one. And most people can’t fight without a head. So, these letters beg all the folks from the neighboring towns to send us more extras, who we can then murder and decapitate as we wish! It’s like an open casting call!”

like a wizard

“I hate that you are making me send a letter to Roose Bolton. He murdered my entire family, and his kid is a psychotic. Clearly, any extras he sends me will be demons from hell,” Jon grouses.

“Does this mean you want me to remove the ‘Hugs and Kisses, Jon’ from the signature block on his letter?” Sam asks nervously.

Enter Melisandrei, who is so evil and creepy, she should come with her own soundtrack, so you know she’s coming, like perhaps, the theme song from the Halloween movies, or the one they play whenever the Wicked Witch appears in the Wizard of Oz . . .

Game of Boners

seduction

No scene in GOT has felt more like a porn parody of itself than the one in which Melisandrei attempts to seduce Jon Snow into riding to Winterfell with her and Stannis. “The Watchers on the Wall don’t take part in the Wars of the Seven Kingdoms,” insists Jon Snow.

“There’s only one war, the war of life and death,” Melisandrei explains. “Here I’ll show you.”

“What are you going to show me,” scoffs Jon, “a vision in the fire?”

“Not unless fire is what you crazy kids are calling the vajayjay these days,” Melisandrei notes, as she disrobes for Jon, and places his hand on her tit.

WHAT? WHY? WHAT THE HECK AM I WATCHING?

BabyScared

I mean, don’t get me wrong, I like sex scenes as much as the next cable subscriber. But this one just seems out of place. Maybe I was wrong about Melisandrei being accompanied by the Halloween soundtrack, when she enters a room. Perhaps, a 70s porn track would be more appropriate.

“Do you feel my heart beating?” Melisandrei asks Jon, because apparently they are playing doctor now.

gawp

“Um, I would, maybe, but your massive breast is in the way,” Jon muses.

“That’s cool, because I don’t have a heart anyway. Let’s screw and make a legion of evil shadow babies together that will conquer the world,” Melisandrei entreats, as she straddles Jon, and starts grinding against his leg like it’s a hobby horse.

“I don’t think Stannis, a.k.a the guy whose already cheating on his awful wife with you, would like that,” Jon argues.

“He would if we let him watch,” responds Melisandrei.

happy stan

(Actually, she didn’t say that. But something tells me that watching his mistress go at it with the adorable object of his man crush, Jon Snow, would not be the most awful experience Stannis could imagine. He also strikes me as a guy who really digs period piece porn, if you catch my drift.)

“I’m sorry. I can’t f*ck you today, because I’m in love with another ginger,” Jon insists. “Dead Ygritte.”

Melisandrei reluctantly relents, “You know nothing, Jon Snow,” she says before exiting.

know nothing

“Dammit! Why are women always saying that to me?” Jon grumbles, as he returns to his paperwork.

“Rats, foiled again,” whines Stannis, as he turns off HBO, in search of some real porn with actual payoff   . . .

In which Stannis and Shireen get their Hallmark moment . . .

better hug

Upstairs and completely unable to find good porn on Wall Watcher TV, Stannis finds a welcome distraction in his daughter’s presence . “The Wall is no place for a child,” he says apologetically, despite the fact that in the book, most of the Watchers on the Wall are actually prepubescent boys.

“It’s OK, I like it here. I’ve started my own business called ‘Shireen’s School for Westerosians Who Can’t Read Good.’ It’s been a great success. We’ll be publicly traded on NASDAQ next week,” Shireen answers. “Mom told me she didn’t want to take me.”

“Your mother is the worst,” Stannis replies, thus proving that Stannis and I agree on something.

“Are you ashamed of me?” Shireen asks boldly.

It’s something many fans have undoubtedly wondered about Stannis, who seemingly has kept his cute daughter with the scar makeup on her face locked in tower for most of the series’ run. His terrible wife is certainly ashamed of Shireen.

Stannis pauses a bit long before speaking. And, in that moment, fans undoubtedly share Shireen’s nervousness as to what he’s going to respond. He tells his daughter the story of how she got greyscale. As it turns out, she wasn’t born with it, as many, myself included, might have thought, rather she was infected with it by a poisoned doll that Stannis himself had purchased from a Dornish trader and put in her crib, when she was a baby.

According to Stannis, once Shireen became infected, everyone thought she would die, and begged Stannis to send his daughter to live with the Stone Men far away. But Stannis refused to abandon his daughter, and eventually found a Maester to cure her. “Because you didn’t belong with the Stone Men,” Stannis explains.

princess shir my daughter

The look on Shireen’s face, upon hearing these words is resplendent. And when the father and daughter hug for the first time on camera, you’d have to have no heart in your big boob like evil Melisandrei not to get a wee bit choked up at the Hallmark card-iness of it all . . .

Wardeness of the North

watching one another

On the much less Hallmark card end of the spectrum is Littlefinger’s continued dalliances and occasional open mouth kisses with the now fully reborn to the dark side, at least for now, Darth Sansa. Westeros’ second favorite pedophile (Marg is still winning) finds Sansa in the crypt lighting a candle for an aunt she never knew. There, Littlefinger breaks the news to Sansa that he’s leaving for Kings Landing. Thus, Sansa will be alone with gross Ramsey to live amongst all those fetid corpse chandeliers he loves so much.

“Worry not, Darth Sansa,” Littlefinger insists. “Stannis and his Creepy Wife with the army of evil shadow babies between her legs are coming to kill the Boltons. And once they do, they will name you Wardeness of the North, since you are the only surviving Stark child, apart from Bran and Rickon, who nobody cares about, and Arya, who is stuck in hamburgerless White Castle for the foreseeable future.”

“But what if Stannis and his Creepy Wife with the army of evil shadow babies between her legs lose the battle?” Sansa wonders.

“Then, you will become Mrs. Darth Sansa Stark nee Gross Rotting Fetid Corpse Bolton, and after about a year or so, you will stop noticing the smell of all the dead bodies your creepo husband will make you use as a comforter.”

Then, Littlefinger and Darth Sansa make out.

icky makeout

eww_face

“I suppose, the next time you see me, I’ll be a married woman,” Sansa muses half-flirtatiously.

“Never stopped me before,” winks Littlefinger.

little finger eye wag

In Which Bronn Gets his Very Own Dornish Stallion . . .

fighting together

While traveling in Dorne and munching on a yummy rattlesnake dinner, Jamie and Bronn come upon four men on horseback, who quickly suss them out as outsiders, and wish to murder them. “How many do you think you could take?” Bronn asks his new one-armed buddy.

rattler

“One, if he’s slow,” Jamie muses.

So, Bronn easily dispatches of three of the four men, steals the horse of one, and murders the horse of the fourth. “This one should be slow enough for you,” Bronn offers.

And he IS slow enough! Jamie kills him! Hooray! Kingslayer’s still got the swagger!

hot jam

Then, Jamie makes Bronn bury all the dead bodies himself, because he’s a pimp . . . also because it’s really hard to dig with only one hand . . .

Sistahs Sand Snakes are doing it for themselves . . .

they all watch

When we last saw Ellaria Sand, she was busy being disappointed that Doran Martell wasn’t cool with mutilating little Lannister girls to avenge Oberyn Martell’s death. Ellaria has a hunch that Oberyn’s illegitimate daughters , who appear to live under a sheet held up by three poles, will be less discriminatory about who they mutilate. “Do you choose peace or war?” Ellaria asks the three women.

In response, Obara, the oldest, throws a spear into the head of the guy who brought Jamie Lannister into town, just because she can. Clearly, this is not the kind of girl you sing Kumbaya with around a campfire, while eating s’mores.

Making the Best of a Bad Situation

singing ty

While on a boat bound for Mereen, the captive Tyrion entertains his captor Jorah by singing with a gag in his mouth. When Jorah removes the gag, Tyrion admits that he was going to see Dany anyway, and that the two of them, captor and captive, share a mutual disdain for the awful Cersei.

Tyrion is smart enough to surmise that Jorah’s kidnapping of him is nothing more than a desperate attempt of the latter to get back into Dany’s good graces and possibly her bed, after she banished him for trading her secrets to Kings Landing (probably because he accidentally deleted all the Dany / Daario episodes of this show on his DVR, and doesn’t realize yet that he’s WAAAAY outmatched, and there isn’t a chance in hell he’s ever going to get to hit that).

Jorah responds to this revelation by punching Tyrion in the face, and knocking him unconscious.  Bad move, Jorah. Who is going to sing to you now?

angry jor

Ser Barristan-Wan Kenobi and Grey Worm versus Those Creeps with the Weird Masks (a.k.a The Scene Where Everybody Gets Bludgeoned to Death)

barri and dani

Over in Mereen, Dany is having a warm conversation with loveable grandfather type Barristan about how her dad used to dress up like a minstrel and sing to the public because it was fun, also because he was a nutbar. She sends Barristan out for a walk amongst the people, while she attends her umpteenth council meeting about re-opening the fighting pits.

“Fighting pits unite the people, and give them something to live for. Reopening them will show you respect their traditions,” says Mereenite guy.  “Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.”

We interrupt this episode of CSPAN- Westeros Edition to bring you LOTS OF PEOPLE GETTING VIOLENTLY MURDERED!!!!

the masks

Apparently, the Sons of the Harpy, aka, the folks in the weird masks stolen from the orgy scene in the movie Eyes Wide Shut are super pissed at Dany about the whole “no more slaves” thing, so pissed in fact that they want to KILL EVERYONE (which sort of doesn’t make sense, seeing as, if everyone is dead, no one can be a slave).

The unsullied, led by Greyworm try to put down the Sons. But Greyworm seems to be the only one really having any luck with it. Then Barristan joins in, and he’s like the coolest fighting old man since Obi Wan Kenobi, just slicing through Mask Heads, like they are his morning bagels.

kicking ass more ass kicking

Then he dies . . . which sucks, and Greyworm dies too. . . I think, maybe.

The final shot of the hour is a really gross hallway filled with a pile of murdered rotting disgusting corpses, kind of like what you would imagine Ramsey’s childhood bedroom would look like, if he ever had a childhood . . .

dead together

And that was “Sons of the Harpy.” Until next time, my friends . . .

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Decapitated by Kindness – A Recap of Game of Thrones’ “High Sparrow”

marg and tom

“Puberty RULES!!!”

For all its violence, public beheadings, ball chop-offs, and toilet bowl stabbings, the world of Westeros was a surprisingly cordial place to live. Few people cursed, or raised their voices at one another, at least not while others were in earshot. In fact, winning the Game of Thrones, often required its players to smile genially at those they most detested, and inquire after their well being . . .while at the same time chopping their head off with a long sword.

This week’s installment of GOT depicted all of its characters, hiding their truly dark motivations, behind smiles and polite words. More specifically, “High Sparrow” featured Arya doing a little housekeeping, Sansa getting engaged again, Tommen getting a whole lot of nookie, Jon Snow getting a little head, Margaery beating Cersei in a verbal smackdown,  and a High Septon being quite literally beaten by his religion.

Let’s review, shall we?

Wax on, Wax Off

joggin

If Jagen Hagar didn’t have such cool hair, most people would think he was a real prick. . .

Inside White Castle the House of Black and White, Arya has become Jaqen Hagar’s maid, sweeping the floors of the House for days on end. In fact, it seems like everyone who lives at the House has been converted into Jaqen’s personal Downton Abbey service staff . . . well, except maybe for this one old guy, who Jaqen seemingly murdered, by serving him poisoned water. (Maybe his cleaning abilities were sub par?)

arya in dark

It seems Jaqen comes from the Mr. Miyagi / Karate Kid school of warrior training. If you recall, Mr. Miyagi told the Karate Kid that “wax on, wax off” was the key to finding patience and discipline in battle, but really he just wanted someone to wash his car for free. . .

Likewise, Jaqen tells Arya she must learn to serve others , most specifically the “One God,” before she can learn to do cool things like scare hoodlums by occasionally turning into an old grumpy black man in a hoodie . . .

jaquen

Arya responds by continuing to perform free labor for Jaqen. Mission accomplished! The floor of the House of Black and White has never looked cleaner. Jaqen might even be able to see his reflection in it . . . if he actually had a face . . .

In Which Tommen Gets Laid, and Cersei Gets Banished to the Loser Table

marg mean girl

The happy day has finally come for Westeros’s favorite pedophile (Work harder, Littlefinger!) to finally get hitched to Cersei’s less psychotic, but more age inappropriate, son, Tommen. The populace is clearly thrilled! They haven’t been this happy, since about 100 years ago, when one of their beloved queens actually married a fetus (which, made exchanging vows complicated, but totally worth it).

As Tommen and Margaery exchange vows, Tommen couldn’t look more pleased with his excellent luck. Just last week he was playing in bed with Ser Pounce, Lady Whiskers and Boots. Now, he has a much larger pussy to call his very own . . .

tommen with catSource

That night, newlyweds Tommen and Margaery do the deed. And it’s just as gross as you imagined, but not as graphic as you might have feared, especially given that this is an HBO show. Most of the naughtiest bits are hidden from view underneath an exceptionally large comforter.

“Sex is awesome,” Tommen exclaims, after presumably giving Margaery the best one minute and twenty five seconds of her life. “The history books shall call me the Sex King, because this will be all I’ll do throughout my entire reign, while my mother runs the country to the ground.”

“You’re a big boy now, a married big boy” Margaery cautions. “You should send your mother away, and let me run the country to the ground for you.”

“Well, that doesn’t sound very nice,” posits Tommen. “I mean, my mother’s always been kind of a bitch, but she did give birth to me through an incestuous act with her twin brother, and . . .

“Sex,” Margaery argues calmly.

“Whatever, you say, my Queen. That evil wench is history,” Tommen capitulates.

marg and tom gif

“Your wife is very pretty. She sure smiles a lot,” Cersei tells Tommen, as the pair are walking the grounds together the next day.

To Cersei, smiling a lot is a sin on par with murdering one’s parents, cutting off their faces and wearing them for sport. She herself hasn’t smiled once since she was an infant, and that was only because she’d bitten off her nanny’s nose and thought it was hilarious.

walking with tom

“You should go away and live at Casterly Rock, so my wife can run Westeros to the ground instead of you, and I can have all the pussy I want, both the cat kind and the other kind,” Tommen replies.

Cersei is outraged by her son’s suggestion, and knows that evil smiling Margaery must be behind it. She immediately goes to see the new Queen to put her in her place. On her way, she overhears Margaery telling her ladies in waiting what a little horndog her son is. You know, because a mother loves nothing more than hearing detailed and graphic descriptions of the skill with which her prepubescent son screws . . .

suspicious cers

“Oh, hello Cersei, I was so busy talking about the size of Tommen’s dong, I almost didn’t notice you standing there?” Margaery offers politely. “Tell me, was his father as well-endowed . . . his real one, I mean?”

What follows is the absolute best double-entendre laced conversation between two mean girls, I have ever witnessed. And it goes a little something like this . . .

sister

Margaery: “I’m sorry I didn’t have any wine to serve you. It’s a bit early for us.”

(Translation: You are a disgusting old alcoholic hussy, and everybody knows it.)

Cersei: “Marriage agrees with you.”

(Translation: “Try not to poison this son, like you did my last one, because I don’t have any more left, you dumb pedophile bitch.”)

dead jof

Margaery: “I’m so tired after so much rough sex with your son all night. But that can be expected, after all, he is half lion, half stag.”

(Translation: “Surprisingly, your kid doesn’t screw like the abomination / product of incest I know him to be.”)

Cersei: “That’s lovely.”

(Translation: “I hope you choke on my son’s cock, and die a horrible death.”)

Margaery: “With all the sex we’re having, you will be a grandmother in no time. And the populace will be so happy to see our spawn. But in the meantime, can I call you dowager queen?”

downton-abbey-dowager-countess2-x-400

(Translation: “Our kid will probably come out with three heads because of the whole incest thing. P.S. You are an old bag.”)

Cersei: “If there is anything you need at all, please don’t hesitate to ask me.”

(Translation: “I just peed in your cornflakes. Enjoy the rest of your urine-filled breakfast.”)

Rise, Darth Sansa!

riding to winterfell

Back at Winterfell, Ramsey Bolton has popped home with some happy souvenirs for his dad from his tax collecting business trip, about four or five gross flayed bodies. “Mmmm, nothing beats a nice celebratory steak dinner to celebrate a good old fashioned genocide,” he says triumphantly.

“You make me so proud, Bastard Son,” says Roose. “In fact, I’d like to reward your sociopathy by marrying you off to Dark!Sansa Stark.”

“Sansa Stark? Didn’t we brutally murder her entire family?” Ramsey asks.

“Details,” says Roose. “With her new goth hairdo, she’s totally your type.”

“Can we have flayed bodies as the centerpieces at the wedding tables?” Ramsey asks excitedly.

Meanwhile, Sansa is also learning of her impending nuptials from Littlefinger. “Not cool,” Sansa complains. “I dumped the tall blonde lady and her sex stud friend, because I thought you would better protect me from danger, despite the fact that you are creepy and clearly a pedophile. Now, you are marrying me off to the crazy guy who cut off Alfie Allen’s balls, last season?”

little finger eye wag

Littlefinger responds by totally invading Sansa’s personal face and sexually caressing her face like it’s the ring from Lord of the Rings, and he is Smeagol. “Your entire family (except for Arya, whose busy Mr. Miyagied at White Castle, and Bronn and Rickon, who nobody care about) were all brutally murdered, because they were too nice, and refused to get dirty by affiliating themselves with gross people like me and the Boltons. Your life has sucked so far. But now, you have cool black hair, and everything can be different. Rise Darth Sansa! And we can murder everybody else on this show, and live happily ever after together on a pile of their rotting fetid corpses, which coincidentally will be your new sigil, once you marry Ramsey Bolton.”

darth vader

“Sounds good,” replies Sansa in a voice that sounds suspiciously like James Earl Jones.

She then gets back on her horse. And Littlefinger laughs maniacally as the two ride off together toward the gates of hell, a.k.a Winterfell.

In which, Renly and Brienne get the origin story you’ve been waiting for . . .

ren and bri

Pod and Brienne take a break from stalking Dark!Sansa to make camp, and bond a bit over S’Mores and stuff. (Did they have S’mores in Westeros.)

Brienne offers to train Pod to become a real fighter, figuring if he’s half as good with an iron sword, as he is rumored to be with the one between his legs, he’ll be a real champ at it.

smile pod

Pod tells the story of how he became Tyrion’s squire, as punishment for eating a stolen ham. Brienne responds by telling this adorably awesome story about how Renly Baratheon saved her from becoming Stephen King’s Carrie, at a prom her father made to secure her a marriage, by dancing with her when none of the other boys would.

“Those boys are nasty little shits, and are not worth your tears,” whispered Renly in her ear. “So, um try not to burn down the gymnasium with your mind, and kill us all, mmm kay?”

And with that story, Renly officially became my favorite dead guy on this show . . .

RenlysDeathS2Ep5

How come all the good ones, end up being married, gay, or murdered by Shadows Born Between Melissandre’s legs?

Brienne admits that she deeply regrets not being able to protect Renly from his untimely, and frankly really weird, demise. “Nothing is more hateful than failing to protect the one you love,” she says, vowing to avenge Renly’s death by murdering Stannis, and his creepy shadow baby, once and for all.

Somewhere in Heaven, Renly Baratheon is pumping his fist in triumph . . .

The Perks of Being a Wall Flower . . .

jon snow

Back at the Wall, Jon Snow formally rejects Stannis’ offer of legitimacy, because he’s not willing to leave his post as high commander to fight alongside Stannis’ army. Stannis is disappointed, but grudgingly respects Jon Snow’s honorable nature, even if he thinks he’s a moron, whose going to end up with his head on a pike like his father, Ed Stark.

Nice guys on this show, always finish last, after all.

It’s interesting how, in their own way, Sansa and Jon have both been given the same choice in this episode, and have chosen opposite paths. Sansa has chosen to get dirty, and play the game to avenge her family’s death, while Jon, for now, anyway, has chosen to stay clean, and watch from the sidelines, as an honorable bystander. Davos tells Jon as much, after his boss Stannis, has left the building.

“Part of the oath you took as a member of the Knights Watch was to protect the people,” Davos explains. “I mean, sure, you are protecting them from those white zombie things we see once every season, usually in the last five minutes of an episode. But wouldn’t it make more sense to protect them from those disgusting Boltons whose idea of interior decorating is hanging gross fetid bodies from the ceiling as chandeliers?”

Davos-Seaworth-Iron-Bank

“Yeah, but we’ve got like three more books to go, before I win the Game of Thrones, so it’s best I take my time,” responds Jon.

“You know nothing, Jon Snow,” says Davos.

“That’s what she said,” Jon answers truthfully.

In Which Arya Takes Her First Important Steps Toward Becoming a Homeless Looking Old Black Man

crying arya

Back in Hamburger-less White Castle, Arya is getting hazed by a girl with the same haircut she has. The girl slaps her around a bit, and keeps asking her name. Jaqen intervenes and instructs Arya that, in order to truly become a Homeless Looking Old Black Man, she must first rid herself of “Arya Stark’s” possessions. Arya does as she’s told, throwing all her possessions in the river. However, she can’t quite bring herself to part with her trusty sword needle, so she hides it underneath some rocks.

Hey, even Homeless Looking Old Black Men need to protect themselves somehow . . .

Later that day, Arya helps the mean girl with her haircut to wash the body of the dude who drank poisoned water and died at the beginning of the episode. “What do we do with them after we wash them?” Arya asks.

“We put on a naked corpse puppet show,” girl with the same haircut responds.

Actually, she doesn’t say that, but wouldn’t it be weird if she did?

I’ve Got Friends in Low Places

sansa on throne

Back at Winterfell Dark!Sansa puts on a nice show of being polite to those fetid Boltons, including her wackjob soon-to-be husband. When she goes to her room, her lady in waiting, offers her water to wash, and is extremely kind. “It is good to have you home, Lady Stark. The North remembers,” the woman tells her.”

Once alone, Sansa takes out her “People to Kill” list, and crosses off, Lady Who Gave Me Water. After all, someone is going to need to be there to help her and Littlefinger discard all those pesky dead bodies, after they’ve murdered all of Westeros . . .

Jon Snow Loves Gingers, Hates Baldies

janus still with head

“Is it too late to get a wig?”

In an interesting parallel between Jon’s rule of the Wall and Dany’s of Mereen, the new Commander of the Watch experiences his first resistance as ruler, and responds by choosing force over mercy, just as the Mother of Dragons did last week.

Deciding his strongest competition for leader, Allistair, deserves his respect, and will be a good ally to have in the future, Jon appoints him first ranger, giving the older gentleman watch over an adorable Ronald Weasley looking fellow hired to dig a new potty hole for all those dirty Wall Boys. Allistair is clearly satisfied with the appointment (and excited to finally get a new cleaner toilet).

Jon gets a much less appreciative response when he sends his other competitor for Commander, Janus, i.e. the wimpy one who hid an outhouse during their last battle, to fight far away in a remote town. “Shove it up your arse,” says the bald guy.

“Off with his head,” Jon responds, as he publicly decapitates Aging Mr. Clean in front of his peers, even after the latter cried like a bitch and begged for mercy.

Watching from above, Stannis offers Jon, an impressed thumbs up. “Decapitations are awesome,” says Stannis. “You may survive this series yet.”

happy stan

Shortly thereafter, the entire army on the Wall decided to dye their hair red. Who knew being a ginger could save one’s life?

High Sparrow – 1, High Septon – 0

high sparrow

In Westeros, the High Septon is a pretty important guy, kind of like the pope, only without the cool bubble car. So, you could imagine the shock of the good people of Kings Landing, when that religious cult, the Sparrows, led by that guy Lancel, who used to screw Cersei, drag the old fat naked High Septon out of a brothel naked, and publicly shame him.

The Septon claims he was just giving some good old fashion naked counseling to some prostitutes in need. Cersei responds by visiting the High Sparrow, who is also old, but not nearly as fat as the High Septon, since he is the one who ordered the public shaming. The High Sparrow is humble, lives amongst the poor, doesn’t wear shoes, and smells like poo.

“Hey Sparrow,” Cersei says to the smelly religious guy, “How’d you like to be the new pope?”

In which Tyrion makes a new friend . ..

tyrion

On the Road to Mother of Dragons, a restless Tyrion and Varys stop at a nearby town that may as well be called Danyville. All the priests sing her praises, all the whores dress like her and wear their hair like her. For a few Valor Morghulis coins, you can even get a t-shirt with Dany’s face on it, mouth wide open screaming, “WHERE ARE MY DRAGONS?”

Tyrion tries to win himself a prostitute but can’t seal the deal. Clearly, he’s still upset over the whole, “murdered my prostitute girlfriend, while my father was in the john, taking a break from boning her” thing.

He wanders upstairs, to piss his regrets off the side of a tall building, when he’s captured by a swarthy man, with a rope. “I’m taking you to see the Queen,” says Jorah Mormont.

Jorah-Mormont-house-targaryen-24524217-800-450

“Thanks for the lift, that’s where I was headed anyway. Can Varys come too?” Tyrion responded . . . or at least that’s how he would respond, if he wasn’t bound and gagged.

And that was the High Sparrow, in a rather large nutshell. Until next time, my dear citizens of Westeros!

snuggie throwns

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