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Are You Ready to Rumble? – A Recap of Teen Wolf’s Season 3A Finale “Lunar Ellipse”

im the alpha

alpha now

im the alpha

stiles alphabet 1 allisonargents

When I was little, my dad used to love watching WWF Wrestling.  I never got the appeal, personally.  The fat ugly guys dressed in weird costumes . . . the fake fights . . . the ridiculously badly written skits the various fighters would be forced to act out prior to each match . . . the fact that every match began with a pre-ordained Designated Loser, thereby taking all the intrigue and guesswork out of the entire viewing experience.

rip my blouse

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One thing I did enjoy about WWF Wrestling was the announcer . . . and how, before every match, he’d say in this booming voice, “Let’s get ready to RUMBLLLLLLLLLLLLLLEEEEEE,” always carrying out the last syllable of the word “rumble” for as long as humanly possible.

Now, that guy was awesome!  In fact, I spent a good portion of my childhood, trying to be That Guy.  So much so, that I’d been known to run around my house repeating those words, ad nauseam.  “Are you ready to rumblllle?  Are you ready to rummblllllleee?  Are you ready to rumbllllllle?”

stop hounding me

In case you haven’t guessed it by now, I was kind of an annoying kid . . .

In WWF Wrestling, every once in a while, they’d have these events called Cage Matches, where pretty much the entire cast . . . Good Guys, Bad Guys, and Designated Losers . . . would get thrown into the ring at the same time.  Sometimes a few of the fighters would form alliances with one another . . . good guys versus bad . . . plotting, strategizing, taking turns at fighting, so as not to tire themselves out.

dancing derek and ennis

But most of the time they all just beat the crap out of one another, with no rhyme or reason at all . . .

not sure how to stop

“Lunar Ellipse” kind of reminded me of one of those Cage Matches.

In a season that contained more villains than any one preceding it, this week’s finale had the unenviable task of deciding what to do with them all.   Putting them in the same room, and letting them beat the crap out of one another, must have seemed like the most logical solution . . .

kung fu fighting - Copy

This is not to say it was a bad episode.  It wasn’t . . . at all.  “Lunar Ellipse” offered a ton of action, some solid fight scenes, and a neat little conclusion, which, while providing the kind of closure fans need going into a four-month hiatus, also paved the way for some intriguing future story lines.  I just suspect that the episode appealed a lot more to people who are fans of say . . . WWF Wrestling, than fans like me . . . who spent half the length of her last recap dissecting a 15-second long kiss between Stiles and Lydia . . . which this episode never mentioned, by the way.  It was almost as if it never happened  . . .

sex me now

[Of course, I must thank my good pal Andre for working tirelessly each week to provide me, and the five people who read this, a collection of some of the best Teen Wolf screencaps you’ll find on the internet.  And I can say that, without being conceited, because I have no hand in their creation, whatsoever. You rock, Andre.  And I’d totally want you at my side, if I ever found myself in a cage match . .  .]

crying stiles

And so, without further adieu, “Let’s get ready to RUMMMMMMBBBBBBBLLLLLLLLLEEEE!”

The Wet Nap

When we last left our heroes, Stiles, Scott and Allison had decided to cope with the prospective loss of their parental units by taking baths.

tsst

glurg

burgle

This, coincidentally, is the solution Trusty Veterinarian Deaton suggests for all all major problems on this show.  It’s his deus ex bath-shina.  Then again, maybe he’s just really into hygiene.

cryptic vet

magic eraser

When the episode opens, the threesome awaken, surprised to find that their bathtubs have been moved to some random empty office building with a big ole tree stump in the center.  Basically, this whole scene can serve as a PSA for the dangers of smoking too much weed, before taking your deus ex bath-shina.

in tub

office space

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the tree

Sorry . . . I just couldn’t help myself.

Stiles, Scott and Allison each touch the tree, triggering their memories of the time they first encountered it, which, coincidentally, happened to all three of them on the same night.

touching the tree

Of course, I’m referring to the night from the pilot episode.  You know, the one where Scott and Stiles went out into the woods in search of a dead body, the night before the first day of school.  Then, Scott ended up getting bitten by Werewolf Peter Hale AND almost hit by a car driven by Allison Argent’s mom.

baby scottdead girl

“Remember me?”

big eyes

goofy stiles

why do i

Why do I look significantly older than everyone else?  Oh yeah . . . because my scene wasn’t shot three years ago.”

i love youuuu

“I love you Allisssssssssoooooooooon!”

You all recall seeing a big fat tree stump in that scene, don’t you?

memba tree

“Remember tree?”

look confused

No?  Well, that, my friends, is what we in The Biz ” (I’m not really in The Biz.  Being in The Biz would require me to actually get paid for doing this.) call RET-CON.

(I do, however, remember Scott almost getting hit by a car. And I’m intrigued by the notion that Davis always planned to have the Argents play the role of Hit-and-Runners.  If so, that was some pretty crafty story boarding on his part.  If not . . .)

stefan shrug

Upon waking up back in Deaton’s office, the kids learn they’ve been snoozing in their bathtubs for SIXTEEN HOURS!  SIXTEEN HOURS . . . that’s almost an entire day!  I thought they’d be more, you know, brain dead, from lack of oxygen . . . or at least a little pruney.

dont get it wet

Before . . .

wet gremlin

After . . .

Actually, the whole “out for 16 hours” conceit really seems like nothing more than a plot-manufactured time jump to get us closer to the time when the Lunar Eclipse is meant to occur.  I mean, don’t get me wrong, I loved the way the Surrogate  Sacrifices concept was portrayed in the last few moments of Alpha Pact, and the opening moments of this episode.  It was poignant, visually appealing, and compellingly morbid.  I adored how each hero carried a totem of his or her parent into the water, and how Stiles, Allison and Scott each literally put their lives in the hands of someone they cared about.  It was all very Inception-esque. . . in a good way.

inception water

spinning-top-inception

But there was one teensy tiny problem with this whole design .  . . THERE WERE NO ACTUAL SACRIFICES!!!!

verbal keyboard smash

By temporarily suiciding themselves in bathtubs, Stiles, Scott and Allison did not, as was initially suggested, free their parents from the Darach’s clutches.  Instead, it just made them into Human GPS’s for a big ole’ tree stump that, honesty, didn’t look all that hard to find in the first place.

ep 9 obviously stiles

And since I’m nitpicking, what exactly did Isaac, Deaton and Lydia do for those sixteen hours, while their friends were “dead?”  Sleep?  Pray?  Marathon the entire first two seasons of Teen Wolf?  (Without commercials, of course.)

ep 5 not watching notebook again

I’m just saying there were probably at least one or two more efficient ways the Scooby Gang could have spent their time, during the last sixteen hours before the Druid Apocalypse, than Bath Time with Rubber Duckie . . .

rub my ducky

pissed at sleeping

“Couldn’t you have put an alarm clock in there or something?”

Also sleeping on the job, since last week?  Der Bear.

grooming

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We find him in his loft, being lovingly coddled by a no-longer-spewing-black-goo Cora.  Meanwhile, Peter Hale screams at him to hurry up and actually do something heroic, and/or run and hide under a table from that wacky lady with foot fungus, who seems intent on murdering them all . . . whichever he prefers . . .

lizard people, geriatric psycho

Hiding under the table is looking like a more attractive option, by the minute . . .

Breaking and Entering

Back at the Vet’s office, Ethan . . .

ethan

gay one

. . . pops by to see Lydia.  And I’m wondering how he knew she was there.  Is her scent so strong that it could be tracked after sixteen hours?  That’s a LOT of perfume . . .

what are you doing here

DEATON: “Why is he here?  I thought you were dating the other one?”

LYDIA: “Beats me.  I’ve been screwing the guy for months, and I still can’t tell the two of them apart.”

Perhaps, he popped by her mom’s house, and asked if the red-headed teen could come out to play.  Then, Mama Martin replied, “I’m sorry Sexy Teen.  Lydia isn’t home.  In fact, she hasn’t been home for over 24 hours.  Last I checked, she went to visit that creepy veterinarian at his office, after hours.  Hmmm . . . I wonder if I should be concerned for her well-being.  Probably not.  I mean I did her hair this morning, and she looked so cute.  Girls with cute hair NEVER get murdered by creepy veterinarians who have no friends their own age, right?”

harm a hair lol

Lydia and Ethan head to Chez Derek to confirm for him, what he pretty much already knows . . . that Kali Toe Jam is coming to his house to kill him.

lyd back

chatting together

So, now would be a good time to run screaming like a little girl.  Lydia helpfully notes using her Banshee-Spidey Senses that she feels like she’s standing on a graveyard, which the Hales immediately take to mean that if Derek stays at home he’ll die there.  But, I don’t know . . . didn’t Boyd die in Derek’s house?

boyd kicking ass

too soon haha - Copy

Back in “Scott-Land,” McCall and Co. are skipping around to their various homes, so that the wolf can smell Allison’s and Stiles’ dad’s personal items, and “follow his nose” to the Darach’s lair.

in home

“Don’t worry Stiles.  I won’t mistake your underwear for your dad’s.  I’ve sniffed your boxers before.  They have a very distinct scent . . . particularly after lacrosse practice.”

Wait . . . what?  Don’t they know where the parents are already?  Isn’t that what the 16-hour wet dream was for?  Is there a plot specific purpose for Scott’s inexplicable desire to sniff Chris Argent’s boxers?

sniffing

smell something

Oh . . . now I get it . . . they had to run back to Allison’s house, so that they could have a run-in with This Guy . . .

daddy o

. . . a.k.a. FBI Douche . . . a.k.a. Scott’s Dad . . .

not you

ALLISON: “Is that what you are going to look like in 25 years?  Because I could live with that.”

ISAAC: “Me too.  He’s kind of a DILF.”

How did he get in?  I hope he has a warrant.  Nevermind.  This is Beacon Hills we are talking about here.  The only laws that matter here, are the Laws of the Jungle .  . .

Jungle Boogie

How many Alpha Males do you know that let girls fight their battles for them?

ep 9 yeah derek just teenwolf

So, Derek goes to hide under a rock somewhere, leaving Lydia and Ethan to house sit for him.  (You know, because he has so much expensive furniture for people to steal.)

ill get you

“I’ll slay you with my snide comments about your poor personal hygiene, and uninspired fashion sense.”

A few seconds later, that car alarm Derek installed in his wall, goes off, and in comes Kali Feet-for-Brains . . .

kali here

“Bored now . . .”

. . . along with Aiden . . .

and aiden

straight one

Aiden starts off fighting at Kali’s side.  But his alliance shifts quickly when Kali starts talking smack on his showmance girlfriend Lydia.  Do I smell a Character Rehabilitation?

mad ethan

Josh-can-smell-something-being-human-us-17734049-400-210

“Smells like Jackson’s replacement.”

Something is missing from this little party.  What can it be?  Oh, wait, I know . . . an Evil Druid in tight leather pants!

came through ceiling

That’s better.  Now, we can REALLY have some fun . . .

stiles dancing at gay bar melchiors

Cue the 80’s Video Game Theme Music.  It’s time for a Girl Fight!

Now, as much as I usually snooze through extended battle scenes, I have to say, this one is pretty awesome.  There is something elegant, and almost graceful about the well choreographed way Jenny the Darach and Kali attempt to kick one another’s asses.

dancing kali and jen dancing jen 2 dancing 3 dancing 4 dancing 5

lets put our heads together

“Let’s put our heads together and strategize.”

not happening

“Not so fast, Siamese Lunkhead Twins.”

(I guess they should have merged by Aiden fisting Ethan, like they did last time . . . These guys brains are clearly not their strongest organs.)

And then, all of the sudden, they stop fighting, and the music gets all cheesy and romantic.  Jenny is talking about how much prettier she is, now that she has her Magic Coochie, and doesn’t have to look like Lord Voldemort 24-7.  Then she starts levitating, while Kali gazes at her lovingly.  And I’m thinking, if this were another show, these two chicks would make for some really hot lesbians . . .

looking loving

looking loving 2

Then, Jenny throws some glass from the ceiling in Kali’s face, and she dies instantly.

opens ceiling glass blower glass in face

dead kali

BabyScared

Wait . . . WHAT?  Did I miss something?

Please tell me that Jenny Darach didn’t murder virgins, soldiers, philosophers, and countless birds, just so that she’d have enough strength to shove a one-inch thick shard in someone’s face.

Solstice Sunglass Boutique - Safilo USA at the HBO Luxury Lounge In Honor Of The 66th Annual Golden Globe Awards - Day 1

Should have worn these . . .  could have saved her life.

I’ve seen carpenter ants that are harder to kill than Kali .   . .

Anyway, nice knowing ya, Wolf Girl.  I hope they find a coffin for you that’s large enough to fit your massively long toe nails . . .

feet

Worry not, Lydia.  It’s Shrek to the rescue!

shrek to the res

offended shrek

. . . or . . . maybe not.

neck snap down on floor

You know that old adage about always wearing clean underwear, so that, if you die, you don’t have to be embarrassed about the state of your skivvies?  Well, I’m pretty sure the same goes for wearing YOUR OWN PAIR OF PANTS . . .

Sensitive chick that she is, Jenny Darach tries to cheer up a bereft Lydia, by quoting, the always Hilarious Coach Crackhead . . .

bigger bigger

“The bigger they are . . . the harder they fall the bigger they are . . . indeed.

Where there’s smoke, there’s a screamer.

Boys and their toys .  . .

sitting showing weapons

Allison cleverly uses her impressive knowledge of advanced artillery to mesmerize Scott’s dad, before gassing him with a grenade, and using the diversion she created to escape with her harem of wolf men . . .

can of whoop ass

“And this weapon is what I like to call a Big Ole Can of Whoop Ass.”

Elsewhere in town, an abnormally thick fog causes Stiles to get into a car accident, and Lydia screams . . . though the two events aren’t necessarily related.

driving stiles fogcrash

lyd screams

Derek hears Lydia scream, and decides to return to town, which kind of seems counter intuitive to me.  Correct me if I’m wrong, but wasn’t Derek running away like a little wussy, BECAUSE Lydia sensed death?

ep 9 no fit gravyjones

And since she’s a banshee, isn’t Lydia’s scream supposed to signify that someone’s death is imminent . . . someone like Derek?

nodding oh yeah

Do they not teach logic in Werewolf School?

View to a Death

All over Beacon Hills, heroes and villains are preparing for their battle royale.  Allison and Isaac FINALLY find that damn root cellar, where all the parents are being held . .  .

find cellar 1

find cellar 2

Scott reluctantly agrees to join forces with Deucalion against the Darach.

with deuc

Derek inexplicably links himself with Jenny once again.  (That must be one SERIOUSLY POWERFUL Magic Coochie.)

dennifer

And Stiles . . . Stiles?  Bueller?

sleeping stiles

Back in La Casa de Ineffective Alpha, Cora and Lydia watch Shrek morph back into two teenage boys, each with their own pair of pants.

find boys

find boys 2

“These two are so much more likeable when they are unconscious.”

They decide to bring the pair to Vet Deaton.  Maybe he’ll make them take a bath, like he does with everyone else . . .

magic eraser

And then, because this episode hasn’t satisfied its product placement quote, Scott sends the Evil Darach a message on her Android phone . . . you know, because villains use Androids and heroes use iPhones, just saying . . .

revenge sign

reading text

“Is he for real with this sh*t?”

Who’s Your Alpha?

It’s fitting that the final Cage Match between all our characters occurs right under the revenge sign Ennis made, back in “Visionary.”  The Same Vengeance Sign that led to Gerard blinding Deucalion, which led to Deucalion creating his Alpha Pack, which led to his Alpha Pack killing their emissaries, which led to Kali not-quite killing Julia Baccaria / Jennifer Blake.   This was the Vengeance Sign that started everything.  And it would be a great place for everything to end, except for the fact that Scott and Derek are both under the delusion that being a “Good Guy” means having to be a “Doofus.”   But we’ll get to that soon enough . . .

ephemeral

Anyway, our chance to see Death -Destroyer-of-Worlds Deucalion’s Alpha Form has finally arrived.  Let’s take a look, shall we?

cyber smurf

Interesting . . . he’s kind of like a cross between an Evil Cyborg . . .

terminator

.  . . and a Smurf.

Movie_Grouchy_Smurf

Or, maybe like a blue version of Jim Carrey’s character in The Mask.

jim carrey mask

Sure, Peter’s Gorilla-Alpha, and Jackson’s Kanaima were scarier.  But Demon Wolf gets points for making a fashion statement.  Blue is, after all, the new black.  Smurf-Borg does to a pretty good job of kicking Jenny the Darach’s ass . . . at least until Scott creates a familiar diversion . . .

come at me bro

come at me bro! noo hahahah familiar diversion

Annnnnnnd then comes the Lunar Eclipse.

luna r e

Welcome back, Lord Voldemortette.  We’ve missed you!

voldemorteet

“Wait . . . let’s talk about this Jenny the Darach.  Before you kill Deucalion, don’t you want him to see how ugly you look in the morning without your makeup on,” Derek offers hopefully.

your adorable prettylittlegossipgirl

Come on, Jenny.  You’ve been a fairly intelligent villain up until now.  You aren’t going to fall for this one, are you?

But she does!  Perhaps, the Lunar Eclipse not only deprives werewolves of their powers, it also makes television characters into morons.  Knowing that she only has 15 minutes to kill the guy she’s been waiting eagerly to kill since 2002, Jenny the Darach suddenly decides that it’s more important to (1) fix his eyesight, so that he can WATCH her kill him, and (2) play pattycake with Derek!

eye fix

der and jen

Villains the world over, are hanging their heads in shame . . .

draco malfoy facepalm

I like how the writers analogized Derek’s endurance of his Stage-Five-Clinger Girlfriend’s ineffective punches to his human form, to Derek’s endurance of his errant werewolf children’s scratches, back when they went all rabid batty, early on in the season . . .

torn up derek 1

Then, the Lunar Eclipse is over, and everyone’s back to Werewolf Cage Fighting . . . except for Jenny, who has a meme to share with all of you.

mountain ash

“I know you like cages, so I put a cage in your cage,” she says.

And I bet you’ll never guess what that cage is made out of?  That’s right!

mountain ash

This annoying ass brown dirt is fast becoming a lead character on this show.  It’s the deus ex dirtshina.

making mountain ash

Now, Scott is miming again.  Get it?  He’s the man outside the box.  We’ve been here before . . .

more bubble

bubble pop 1

Jenny calmly tells him he should probably be thinking more about saving the parents, who are stuck underground in an avalanche, than putting on a show.  But Scott will not be deterred from his performance.  Besides, he knows that, as per usual, “his pack” will do all the dirty work of saving lives, while he pops bubbles with his mind  . . .

That’s right.  It’s Stiles . . . in the root cellar .  . . with his trusty bat.  How’s that for an answer in the game of Clue.

im batman haa

batman catwoman

im batman

(P.S. I’m so glad he didn’t die in that car accident.  I hope the massive head injuries he suffered from his airbag not deploying have no long-term impact.)

Speaking of not-dead, Deaton puts gas masks on the Alpha Twins, and they magically come back to life.  You know, because gas masks heal broken necks all the time!

saved

I’m teasing Mr. D.  In all seriousness, I’m proud of the guy.  At least he didn’t throw the twins in an ice bath, this time . . .

Back in the Cage Fight, “True Alpha” Scott finally pops that pesky bubble.

bigger bubble

And Deucalion easily dispenses with Jenny Darach, by gently nipping at her neck with his nails.  That’s embarrassing . . .

neck swipe 2

Surely, Scott and Derek are going to kill the Son of a B*tch now aren’t they?

done trying to kill

NO?  NOOOOO??? They are going to let the guy live, because they heard that one time, back in 2002, for a few days, he was a nice guy?

im a moron

“I’m a moron.”

HE IS RESPONSIBLE FOR THE DEATHS OF AT LEAST THREE PACKS OF WOLVES!!!!! AND THOSE ARE THE ONES WE KNOW ABOUT!  HE TRIED TO MANIPULATE SCOTT AND DEREK TO KILL EVERYONE THEY CARE ABOUT, AND VERY NEARLY SUCCEEDED.  AND THEY ARE JUST GOING TO LET HIM GO?  JUST BECAUSE?

smash 2

soap dish smash

smash

verbal keyboard smash

WHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT?

haha losers

“See ya in Season 3B, SUCKERS!”

I’m kind of relieved this season is over.   This show increases my blood pressure . . .

Back at the Argent house, Allison has chosen a new credo for the Werewolf Hunters, “We help those who can’t help themselves.”

help those

Nice right?  Except, the old credo: “Only kill werewolves that murder innocent humans,” was pretty nice too.  The problem was that NOBODY FOLLOWED THE CREDO, EXCEPT CHRIS ARGENT.

argents

Here’s hoping the Argent’s improve their reading comprehension in Season 3B . . .

At school, everything seems to have gone back to normal, except everyone seems to have coupled off.  And Scott and Stiles have to pretend they don’t care that they are the only two people out of their entire group of friends, who aren’t getting laid . . .

aid lyd better eth dan better isal stiles and scott

blue balls

never have sex

Also, Derek left town with Cora .  . . a major plot development that will probably last until about 10 minutes into Season 3B.

left town

. . . which brings us to our final scene, and it’s flashback . . . to about ten minutes ago in the episode.

Jenny Darach is ALLLLIIIIIIIIVE!  She’s crawling to her precious Nemeton . . . hoping it will save her a second time.

save me

But Magic Tree is having NONE of Magic Coochie.  Not when she had this great chance at World Domination and blew it so royally.   Nahh, Nemeton is going to grant its power to a WINNER this time around.  A winner like THIS GUY . . .

out on top

kills

always been the alpha

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And that’s all she wrote folks.  Thanks for sharing Teen Wolf with me this summer.  It’s truly been a blast.  See you January 6th!

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Alien versus Predator – A Recap of Teen Wolf’s “The Overlooked”

Alien v. PredatorPitting two well-established super villains against one another is a tantalizing prospect for any horror series writer (copyright permitting, of course).  For one thing, it pretty much guarantees that your story will have double the body count, and triple the gore factor, of any single-villain horror tale.  For another, it gives you the opportunity to try your hand at answering a question over which fanboys and comic book nerds, the world over, have been arguing for decades: Which Bad Ass, is Badder Ass?  Whose Super Villain is the Super Villainiest One of All?

werewolves not bond villains

Of course, there are drawbacks to this type of story (as anyone who has ever seen Freddy versus Jason or Alien versus Predator will tell you).  For one thing, in a tale of two antagonists, its hard to find a character to root for.  And this makes the ultimate conclusion of the Battle Royale seem somehow less important.  In fact, there’s probably a part of you that’s hoping the two villains will BOTH blow one another away, simultaneously, just to put the nameless, faceless victims of the story out of their misery.  For another, having your Big Bad get its ass handed to it by another Big Bad emasculates it, making all of its Evil Deeds seem just a smidge less impressive in hindsight.

ep 12 sayonara alpha

“Now, you tell me.”

Such are the benefits and drawbacks of “The Overlooked,” an episode, which was undoubtedly action packed . . .

ouchi punchy

. . . and yet, in pitting the Alpha Pack against The Darach, inadvertently relegated Scott and his Scooby Gang to supporting character roles in their own story.

robin all the time

And yet, despite its flaws, the episode did feature some spectacular acting by Dylan O’Brien, a cool heroic turn by Mama McCall, and a crazy-action sequence featuring none other than a “chemically-enhanced” version of PETER HALE!

neede in self

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So, shoot yourself up with some epinephrine, warm up the crash cart, and hide your ambulance keys from the Barefoot Lady, because it’s time to check in on “The Overlooked.”

lets rumble

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[As always, special thanks to Andre, the wisest, most talented screencapper in all the land, who, just like the rest of us, desperately hopes not to be unconscious the next time Stiles’ lips find his mouth .  . .]

It was a dark and stormy night . . .

dark and stormy 1

The trouble with Druids is that their ritual sacrificing of people who fall into stereotypical categories really tends to f*&k with Mother Nature.  And when Mother Nature gets f*&ked she liked to f*&k back.  And so we open the episode with one of those freak storms that only seem to take place in television series.  You know . . . the ones with torrential downpours from which no one ever seems to get wet, unless it’s plot convenient for them to do so?

care-bear-funshine-umbrella

Anywhoo Freak!Storm appears to be causing some trouble at everyone’s favorite hospital.  So, it’s up to Mama McCall to tell everyone how to do their jobs . . . which makes sense, since she seems to be the only one who actually works there . . .

i run this town

“I really don’t get paid enough for this sh*t.”

I like how that random George Costanza from Seinfeld-looking doctor KNOWS that he’s left his patient Cora Hale (a.k.a the only chick in the world for whom one of the symptoms of having a concussion is spewing black tar on the floor at regular five-minute intervals) to die in an abandoned hospital. And he doesn’t really give two craps about it, because his recently remodeled basement at home might be flooded . . .

george cost

seinfeld

Dear Cora,

George Costanza doesn’t care about you . .  .

Love,
Teen Wolf

I’m no medical expert, but I’d think in most flooded hospitals, the near-death black-goo pukers would be the first to be evacuated, no?

blargh

black crap spew

“I should really stop eating liquorice . . .”

Speaking of black goo pukers?  Don’t you just hate it when their existence inadvertently causes you to awkwardly run into your sociopathic ex boyfriend, who once turned your son into a werewolf, and who used to occasionally wander around killing people in what sort of looked like a mutant gorilla suit?

how strong

happy mom

“Hey, remember how you took me out for dinner at The Olive Garden, and then told my son you would eat my face off?  Good times!”

Damn you, Cora Hale!  You ruin everything, including recently washed floors . . .

Relationship Dealbreakers

kissy kiss

“Just because I murdered a third of your town, and occasionally look like Lord Voldemort, doesn’t mean you should stop rubbing my Magic Coochie for good luck . . .”

Sensing that she’s about to get dumped by the guy with the best abdominals in Beacon Hills, Jenny the Darach teeters into Derek Hale’s loft, wearing the least sensible shoes for a triple-human sacrifice I have ever seen . . .

running in

“Beauty is painful .  . .  coincidentally, so is getting murdered by me.”

(Seriously girl!  Your garroting forty-somethings, not walking the runway on America’s Top Model.  Get yourself a nice pair of comfy flats from Payless.  And call it a day.  Simple shoes would probably clash less with your “murder face” anyway . . .)

darach

stiles grossed out

Anywhoo, Jenny is trying to tell Derek that, regardless of what his high school friends might tell him, she does not occasionally sport a face that looks like cottage cheese with strawberries mashed in it.  (It’s impolite for a male to comment on how a female looks without makeup, anyway, right?)  Oh, and the whole “Multiple Murderer Thing”? That’s a lie too . . .

Unfortunately for Jenny, Scott and Stiles get to the loft first.  And they are about to SERIOUSLY ruin Jenny’s chances of ever using her magic coochie on the brooding Alpha Wolf again.

crying stiles

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you are a monster

splash

“Say hello to My Little Mistletoe!”

mistletoed

“I’m melting . . . I’m melting!”

To say Derek doesn’t take the news of his girlfriend’s supernatural plastic surgery well is an understatement . . .

my girlfriend is not hot

strnagle

You mean you are UGLY?  How DARE you try to seduce me with Magic Coochie?  Derek Hale doesn’t date Ugly People . . . only Attractive Sociopaths.

The only thing that keeps Derek from squeezing Jenny’s neck until her faux-pretty little head pops off of it, is Stiles’ tearful plea that they let her help him locate his missing father . . .

wheres my dad

Source

See?  Derek does care about Stiles, even though the writers sometimes seem to forget this . . .

stiles father

Source

But first, there’s the little matter of Cora and her “Black is the New Brown” vomit, which just so happens to be caused by . . . wait for it . . . mistletoe.

Saving Cora Hale . . . Fail.

The Scooby Crew heads to the hospital with the Worst English Teacher Ever(!) and Derek in one car, and Scott and Stiles bringing up the rear.  (Yes, I intentionally made that sound dirty.).

big sterek 2

Jenny continues to try to explain herself to Derek, not realizing that the WORST way to get to Derek’s heart is by talking.  I mean, this is a guy who considers three successive grunts a dramatic monologue . . .

your sister 2

your sister 3

your sister 4

In the other car, Stiles notes that Jenny seems a bit too calm for a woman recently exposed as the second coming of Lord Voldemort.  He doesn’t trust her.

ep 9 obviously stiles

Well good.  At least someone on this show is still using their brain as something other than a mushy substance inside your head that keeps your ears warm.

nice try bat boy

On second thought . . .

When the gang arrives at the hospital, it’s raining.  And no one has an umbrella.  But only Stiles’ hair seems to actually get wet . . .  Perhaps, all supernatural creatures come installed with their own internal blow dryers . . .

all in elevator

Speaking of supernatural weapons, I particularly enjoy the scene in the elevator, where everyone is trying to put on their best Menacing Game Faces.  It’s a good thing Scott’s mom leaves her bat in the back seat of their car, otherwise human Stiles would probably have to use his wet t-shirt as a weapon.  That would be just awful, wouldn’t it? 😉

wet stiles

The crew arrives at Cora’s hospital room to find it empty . . .

surprised-face

Then Peter slides in with a Very Special Announcement . . .

big prob

You’ve really got to hand it to Peter Hale.  He may no longer look like a big scary gorilla.  But the dude still knows how to make an entrance . . .

ep 6 alpha

Ladies and Gentlemen, it’s time for another brawl between our Scooby Gang, and  . . . that Shrek-Looking Thing that Used to be Ethan and Aiden . . ..

offended shrek

“What happened to my second pair of pants?”

Scott, being Scott, tries to appeal to the Massively Large lunk’s human side.  “Ethan / Aiden STOP!”  He cries.

lets talk about our feelings

“Let’s talk about how strangling me makes you feel?”

shrek fight

“What the f*&k is wrong with this kid?”

But it’s not really Scott their after . . . at least not this time .  . . it’s Lord Voldemort-ette Jenny!

jenny

Don’t get them wrong, the Scooby Gang would love to see Jenny dead too.  But that would put a big red X on their plan to rescue Stiles’ dad from potential Druid Sacrifice . . .

ep 8 stiles dad hug fyeah

Unfortunately, this little friendly exchange between wolves gives the Druid just enough time to escape.

draco malfoy facepalm

But wait!  Here comes Foot Fungus Lady, and her Blind Friend Who Talks Too Much!  It’s like a supernatural Teen Wolf villain reunion!

heard party

If only Kanaima Jackson was here, we could throw a Party of Evil!

half kanaima jack

Kali tries to attack Jenny in the elevator.  So Jenny, forgetting Kali is a woman (a common mistake on this show) attempts to defeat her by giving her blue balls . . .

tries to get in

evil jenny

blue balls

throw blue ball

Outside on the hospital floor, Mama McCall runs into Deucalion, and instantly calls him out as “The Bad Guy.”

him

him 2

him 3

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If this was a sitcom, a comment like that would make Mama McCall adorable and hilarious.  It would also probably garner her a Big Bad Boyfriend . . .

ep 10 yay mom

But because this is a teen horror show, a comment like that wins Mama McCall nothing but a giant nametag on her back that says, “Hello, my name is: Your Next Victim.”

killing mom softly

“If this is your idea of foreplay, it sucks.

Bad Medicine

how strong

neede in self

Source

And the award for Best Non-Medical Use of Epinephrine in a Television Series goes to . .  .

Reunited with Jenny, the Scooby Crew begins in-fighting about what exactly they should do with her.

jenny

scoobs

Peter advocates torture.  Now THAT would have been fun to watch.  Scott advocates ceding to her demands.  (Typical Scott . . .)

teen wolf 12 eye roll

“True Alphas are SUCH a pain in the ass . . .”

Stiles is just pissed at Derek for once again letting his weiner cause him to f*&k things up so royally.

about to kiss

“If you were gay, like half the fandom wanted you to be, none of this would have happened, Derek.”

But wait . . . there’s another problem.  Now, Deucalion has Scott’s mom!  Surprise!

BabyScared

There you go, Scott.  The time has come to let all your friends know what a Special Snowflake you truly are . . .

already an alpha

The crew ultimately decides to help Jenny escape the Alpha Pack, in hopes that she will return the favor by saving Stiles’ dad from Jenny-cide, and Cora from Black Goo-icide.  But first they have to get past Shrek Thing.  And as Special a Snowflake as Scott might be, he’s not yet special enough to battle two boys who inexplicably insist on wearing one pair of pants.

growling

So, Peter and Scott decide to do what all their favorite former American baseball heroes do, they use performance enhancing drugs.  Boys and Girls, DO NOT try this at home . . .

epinephrine

in chest

growling 2

Though, Scott and Peter end up getting their asses kicked AGAIN, by the Alphas, at least the diversion they create in doing so, is enough for the rest of the gang and Jenny Darach to get out of the hospital and into the ambulance that could transport Cora Drools-A-Lot to safety.

safety

“I’ve decided I’m going to lose my virginity in the back of an ambulance with my comatose sort-of girlfriend.  When this ambulance is a-rockin, don’t come a-knockin!”

There’s just one problem: The ambulance driver is somewhat “indisposed.”

dead amb

“Someone call 911!  Oh, wait .  . . I AM 911.  Crap!”

And Foot Fungus Lady took his keys.

got keys

(Well, technically,  I guess that’s two problems.)

Vomiting Black Goo 2: Electric Boogaloo

stora

“You know, you’re a lot nicer to me than my other crush, Lydia.  Maybe it has something to do with the fact that you’re always unconscious.”

Back in the abandoned ambulance, Cora has stopped breathing, so Stiles decides to make out with her . . .

make out stora

Source

Part of me kept waiting for Cora to spew black goo in Stiles’ mouth.  Talk about a mood killer!  Instead, she coughs a bit, and goes back to bed . . . ALIVE.

cough

This proves that Jenny the Darach isn’t the only character on this show with magic . . . um . . . lips.  (Yeah, I went there.)

Stiles warns Cora that the next time he rapes her face, she sure as heck better be awake to enjoy it.

lips mouth

Source

If that was a comment on Stiles’ Facebook page, Lydia would not “like this.”

lyd screams

You’ve been MISTLETOED!

Speaking of romance, back in the hospital Derek and Jenny find themselves trapped in an elevator, because Deucalion forced his hostage, Mama McCall, to flip off the power switch in the hospital . . .

trapped in elevator

3 1 always horny imperial bedrooms

Be strong Derek.  Every time your weiner wants to bone her, just remind yourself that beneath the modelesque facade, she’s really Lord Voldemort in lipstick, and a pair of skinny jeans . . .

sad derek hearing

darach

“Kiss me, baby.”

Since they appear to have some Time to Kill (bad choice of words?), Jenny decides to enlighten Derek with her Origin Story.

talking to derek

(Question: Why, in this day and age, must every super villain require an Origin Story?  Sometimes, I miss the Olden Days, when villains just magically appeared, did a bunch of awful sh*t for no logical reason whatsoever, and then died horrible deaths.)

ep 12 dead kate

Jenny Blake used to be Julia Baccari, an emissary of Foot Fungus Lady, who the latter liked a bit too much to murder out-right.  So, she merely burned her face beyond all recognition and left her to die.  How sweet!

sad kali

“In my emissary’s honor, I vow never to wear shoes or cut my toenails again.”

Fortunately, Foot Fungus just so happened to not-kill Julia right next to the Magical! Tree (i.e. the “Nemeton”) where Derek’s first lovey dovey Paige croaked, a few months early.  Basically, it was the blood of Derek’s virginal girlfriend, dripped onto this magical tree, that gave Julia Baccari the power to become Lord Voldemort.

dying julia

BEFORE

voldemort

AFTER

In other words, pretty much everything awful that happened to anybody this entire season is Derek Hale’s fault.  Nice going, Hot Stuff!

ep 9 no fit gravyjones

Then, Jenny starts waxing poetic about this mythological crap, and I start to zone out a bit . . .

4 10 nod off

But then I force myself to listen, because I know you guys are more intellectual than I am, and actually care about this stuff . . .

ep 6 youryodai will be gravytrain

Now, in defense of Haley Webb, I should mention that, as much as I bitched about her character, early on in the series, she makes a pretty captivating villain.  Delivery of this particular monologue would have died on the lips of some.  But Haley really brought it to life.  She actually made me give a sh*t about Mistletoe.  And for that, I salute her . . .

blah blah blah

“Blah, blah, blah, I’m an evil psychopath with feelings . .  blah.”

bored by story

*crickets*  “Did someone say pizza?  All this talk about murdered ugly people is making me hungry . . .”

So, here’s the story.  This guy Balder was a hot God, who all the male Gods wanted to befriend and protect, and all the female Gods wanted to bone . . .

BalderAll this attention Balder was receiving royally pissed off Loki from The Avengers . . .

loki

Balder kind of looks like Thor.  Why does everyone who is better than me look like Thor?”

smash 2

 . . . who, despite being the god of Mischief (which is pretty much the coolest thing ever to be the god of, with the exception, perhaps, of being the god of Sex), seemed pretty much destined to be the Jan Brady of the gods, in a world of “Marcia, Marcia, Marcias” . . .

marcia marcia marcia

So, he follows Balder’s mom, when she’s going on this journey to make all the world’s natural weapons promise not to “hurt” Balder, finds the one potential weapon mom forgot, and promptly uses it to kill the Poor Unfortunate Thor-Lookalike.  That weapon?  You guessed it . . . mistletoe.

mistletoe kisses

puking danny

Now, I don’t know about you.  But if I had a kid, and someone killed him using a type of tree branch, the last thing I would want to do, is hang that tree branch over my door, and makeout with people under it, for the rest of eternity . . . That just seems really morbid to me . . .

jaws of death

It’s also pretty much ruined mistletoe for me, forever.  So, thanks Teen Wolf!

hate you so much

So, how does this relate to old Jenny from the Tree Block?  Well, basically she considers the emissaries murdered by the Alphas in their Alpha Pack to be like mistletoe, because both parties were overlooked, and underestimated.

small_violin

The world’s smallest violin plays for Evil Jenny . . .

Personally, I don’t like the analogy.  You know who I think is “overlooked,” Jenny Dearest?  All those innocent virgins, and sweet woodland creatures, you murdered just so your face wouldn’t look like 100 slugs died on it . .  that’s who!

dead heather

“I could have been laid by Stiles Stilinski, and his extra large weiner.  Instead, I’m sitting here on a mortuary slap.  Thanks a lot, Jenny from the Tree!”

Jenny also casually mentioned that a Lunar Eclipse is coming up.  Apparently, Lunar Eclipses make werewolves lose all their magical powers.

full moon

Hooray for Team Human!

moon face

moon face 2

Oooh, wait . . . Jenny the Darach is happy about this too. .  . This can’t be good.

evil english

We interrupt this Lesson in Norse Mythology, to bring you MAMA MCCALL BEING AWESOME, AND ELECTROCUTING SHREK WITH A CRASH CART . . .

electrocute

electrifying

Apparently, Deucalion set her free.  This lady may have just officially become my favorite TV mom of all time . . .

A Deal with the Devil(s)

The Argents and Isaac finally arrive at the hospital, and plot with the Scooby Gang to free Jenny from the wrath of the Alphas.  When, Papa Argent asks the crew to describe Jenny Blake, he describes her as “dark hair, kind of hot,” to which Allison responds.  “Hey, I have brown hair and am kind of hot too!”  (It’s always good to be humble Allison.)

arrogant allison

And so, a plan was born . . .

lightbulb-idea

Basically, the plan involves Allison impersonating Jenny to draw the Alpha’s out of hospital  . . .

running as jenny

watching her

ETHAN: “She’s dark haired and hot.  But is she Evil Druid Cougar Hot?  Or Age Appropriate Werewolf Hunter Hot?”

AIDEN: “I don’t know.  I couldn’t stop staring at her boobs.”

alli

shooting

“Once again, I waste lots of bullets, and hit absolutely no one . . . This is my design.”

missed us

“Kiss my dirty, fungus-ridden feet, Argents!”

 . . . while Mama McCall turns the hospital power back on, to get the elevator . . .

turn back on power

“Is it weird that I’m finding this erotic?  I really need to get laid?”

 . . . where Jenny and Derek are currently trapped, working again.  Isaac and Peter will drive the getaway car.

driving getaway car

Scott will stand around looking confused.  And Stiles will look nervous and teary-eyed, because the writers know he’s super sexy when he cries.

mopey stiles - Copy

The plan works!

teen wolf allison argent stiles

But, of course, there’s a problem . . .

sad stiles

Remember how the Darach was looking for “Guardians” to fill her collection of human sacrifice stereotypes?  Well, apparently Mama McCall and Papa Stilinski both fit that bill.

verbal keyboard smash

The minute the elevator starts working again, Jenny goes all Cottage Cheese Face on Derek’s ass, and disappears into the night, taking Scott’s mom with her Ugly Ass . . .

ugly face

passed out

“Elevator music makes me sleepy.”

And that’s when Scott, bereft of hope, and severely lacking in creativity, dejectedly decides to accept Deucalion’s offer to join his pack, if only so he can save his, and his best friend’s parental unit.

made the pact

Stiles, understandably is crushed.  Scott is crushed.  Jenny’s face is crushed.

medium_voldemort-looking-up-9fzhu4mo

But no matter how miserable these folks are, no one is having as bad a day as Mama McCall and Papa Stilinski

The Tree of Life . . . and Death

stuck on nemeton

Hello, Teen Wolf Parental Units, welcome to your new home at Magical!Tree.  Relax, enjoy yourselves, and PREPARE TO DIE!

well this is awkward

“This is pretty much the most awkward date I have ever been on.”

sadly

“I wish I could say the same.  But I once went on a pity date with Gerard Argent.”

funny face grandpa

Next week on Teen Wolf . . .

See ya then, Werebangers!

stiles with wolf hat

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