Tag Archives: Justin Bieber

Drunk People . . . Singing – A Recap of Glee’s “Blame it On the Alcohol”

Sunglasses = The Ultimate Hangover Accessory

This week’s installment of Glee was kind of like a weekend-long, alcohol-fueled bender.  It was random, plot-free, only mildly coherent, embarrassing, vomit-filled, and, yet . . . at the same time . . . AWESOME!

So, fill up those shot glasses, turn on some Ke$ha, and get ready to make out with someone completely inappropriate, because it’s time for a GLEECAP!

Everybody in the School, Get Tipsy!

When the episode begins, Principal Figgins (or, as I like to call him, The Fig) is, once again, in need of Mr. Schuester’s help.  Apparently, McKinley High’s alcohol content has recently skyrocketed to Charlie Sheen-type levels.  The entire student body is walking around blitzed on Four Loko, cheap beer, and Mike’s Hard Lemonade (a.k.a. The Good Stuff).  To combat this trend, The Fig wants The Schue and his Glee kids to perform a song about “the Dangers of Drinking” at the school’s “Alcohol Awareness Assembly.”

Normally, The Schue would welcome this opportunity!  The problem is that lately he has become DEPRESSED.  And, why not?  He’s lonely and divorced.  The object of his affections is house hunting with her faux-husband, Jesse from Full House (Have MERCY!).  And .  . . well . . . actually, I’m not sure what it is about THIS week that is making Will so much more miserable than usual.  I mean, his life is the same degree of sucky that’s it’s been for about four episodes now!  But it’s important to the plot that he be “depressed.”  So, we’ll deal . . .

Always one to rub Will’s face in things, Sue materializes to tell Will that Alcohol Awareness Week will most certainly send our favorite Spanish Teacher straight to the Drunk Tank.

Now that you mention it Sue, a Rehab-themed episode of Glee would be FABULOUS.  Just imagine all the Special Guest Stars we’d get to see!

But enough about those BORING teachers!  We want to see some GLEE KIDS GET WRECKED!

Rachel Berry’s House Party Train Wreck Extravaganza!

Poor Rachel!  She had such good intentions.  There she is, just minding her own business, trying to create an original song for Regionals, when a (very hot) Mohawked-devil LITERALLY appears on her shoulder, and tries to convince her to throw a party at her house, while her two dads are on vacation.  Rachel initially rebuffs Puck’s offer.  But there’s nothing like a Really Bad Musical Performance to drive our diva heroine straight to the bottle . . .

Truth be told, Rachel’s “Original” single, “My Headband,” probably isn’t going to make it on to the Top 100 Itunes Downloads this week.  And yet SOME might have found it inspiring!

Unfortunately, for Rachel, Finn is more of a pigtail-type guy, and, therefore, doesn’t show Rachel’s ode to headgear the love that it deserves.  Rachel realizes that the reason she can’t come up with an “inspired” original song is that she has no “life experience.”  She has never even TASTED ALCOHOL BEFORE!  And so, our girl decides to throw a house party, after all, and invite “all of her friends” i.e. the Glee Club and Blaine.

The Glee crew is skeptical at first, as to whether Rachel will truly be able to “throw down” with the rest of them.  And yet, they all ultimately decide to attend, looking forward to the Massive Trainwreck that will inevitably result .  . .

Doesn’t this screenshot kind of look like one of those Sex Hotline ads you usually see on TV at 3am?  Justin sayin’

As expected, the party gets off to a pretty lame start, with Rachel, clad in a what looks like my grandma’s nightgown, pawning off wine coolers on her guests, and threatening to involve them in a game of “Celebrity.”

Oh, Rachel!  Hasn’t having two gay dads taught you ANYTHING about fashion?

Once Puck convinces Rachel to let him break into the liquor cabinet, however, things pick up, rather quickly.

We are treated to a fun little Drunk Party Montage, to the tune of Far East Movement’s G6, as Designated Driver Finn generously gives us all a tutorial on the “Different Types of Drunk People.”  (Who said you couldn’t learn anything from Glee?)

Which type are YOU?

Source

Angry that Finn has dubbed her Needy Drunk, Rachel sets out to prove how very UN-needy she is, by setting up a game of Spin the Wine Cooler Bottle.  To everyone’s surprise, the hottest kiss of the night actually belongs to . .  RACHEL AND BLAINE?

Sexual orientation aside, these two are actually kind of smokin’ together.  For one thing, they look like FRATERNAL TWINS! (Wait .  . . ewwww . . . nevermind.  That’s not awesome AT ALL!) 

Honestly, am I the only one who thinks Drunk Blaine and Drunk Rachel are WAY MORE FUN, and WAY LESS ANNOYING / JUDGEMENTAL than Sober Blaine and Sober Rachel?  I didn’t think so .  . .

“Your face tastes awesome,” slurs Rachel in Blaine’s ear.  (YAY, Cannibalism!)

After swapping spit and gnawing on one another’s faces for a good twenty seconds, while a dejected Kurt looks on miserably, Rachel and Kurt segway immediately into an impromptu duet of The Human League’s “Don’t You Want Me?” 

Considering how COMPLETELY FUBAR-ed these two individuals supposedly are, the resulting performance is surprisingly good!  See for yourself . . .

Unfortunately, we don’t get to actually see the rest of the party.  However, we can assume that the night went pretty well, when we see Kurt’s dad Burt (who NEVER TAKES OFF HIS BASEBALL CAP, by the way.  What’s up with that?) barge into Kurt’s bedroom the next morning, only to find THIS GUY in there  . . .

“WAY TO GO, KURT!  (My son is a TOTAL PIMP!)”

“The Hair of the Dog that Bit Yo Ass”

Despite the party having taken place on Friday night, the Glee kids are all conveniently still completely hungover by Monday.  (LIGHTWEIGHTS!)  The experience of being hungover has somehow converted Artie into Chris Rock.  So, he informs the rest crew, in a RIDICULOUS accent, that they should all join him for some Bloody Marys, a.k.a. “The  Hair of the Dog that Bit Yo Ass.”

Cut to the once-again inebriated Glee kids performing “Blame it on the Alcohol” for Mr. Schue in the school auditorium, while swaying back and forth on Rotating Red Leather Furniture(?).  Seriously?  What kind of BUDGET does the Glee Club have that they get these type of props?  At my high school, musical performances in the auditorium always featured the exact same scenery:  Hand-Drawn Smiley Faces on Posterboard . . .

The Schue, who apparently has NO SENSE OF SMELL WHATSOEVER, and is also a moron, can’t tell his own students are wasted.  They are just REALLY GOOD ACTORS.  (De-Nial ain’t just a river in Egypt, Schuester!)  And yet, Will wonders whether this Jaime Foxx ditty glorifies drinking a bit TOO much to be performed at the Alcohol Awareness Ceremony.

You be the judge .  . .

The Schue Gets Sloshed

Tired of listening to Will’s nonstop “wah-wahing” about how sucky his life is (Aren’t we ALL?), The Schue’s new bestie, The Beiste, decides to take the Glee Club advisor out for a night of hard drinking, bull riding, and cheesy line dancing.  The pair even get up on stage and sing a duet of that countrified ode to wasted-ness, “One Bourbon, One Shot, One Beer.”

This would all be well and good, except for the fact that Will still has Spanish tests to grade . . .

“Que HAGO Uds.?”  “Yo ESTOY el hermano de Pepe?”  YO NO THINK SO!

After giving all his CLEARLY illiterate Spanish students A+’s on their exams  (I am SO transferring to this school!), Will makes the same fateful mistake many of us unfortunately make after a night of endless boozing and faux-soul searching.  Of course, I am referring to . . . THE DRUNK DIAL!

“Emma?  I luuuuuuuuuuuve youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!

As luck would have it, the following morning, when a VERY hungover, also sunglasses wearing (Product Placement much?) Schuester arrives at school and confronts Emma about his belligerent late night phone call, she has no idea what he’s talking about. 

“PHEW!  Now THAT would have been embarrassing . . .”

Then again, maybe he’s NOT so lucky, after all . . .

“You want to put your   . . . WHAT . . . in my . . . WHAT?”

In sober-er news .  . .

Ring Around the Closet . . .

Poor Little Ornery Kurt!  He’s not exactly having the best episode.  First, he made the mistake of STAYING SOBER at Rachel’s party.  So, he had his full faculties, when he had to watch the man of his dreams make out with his new gal pal.  Then, his dad read him the riot act about having Blaine sleep over, despite the fact that the dude was so wasted, Kurt didn’t even get to COP A FEEL!  Kurt accuses his dad of having a double standard, regarding the whole sleepover issue.  “If Finn had PUCK sleepover at the house, you wouldn’t care!”  Kurt whines.

*sigh*  A Finn and Puck sleepover . . . I’ve had dreams about this .   . .

Burt gently reminds Kurt that his analogy is a POOR one.  While Burt wouldn’t care if Finn had PUCK sleepover, he WOULD care if Finn had Quinn or Rachel sleepover.  (Does that mean KURT can have Rachel sleepover, without his dad getting mad?  I mean, it’s only fair, right?) 

“I watched all of Brokeback Mountain.  Now, I don’t know much about gay stuff, but I’m pretty sure something went on in that tent,” Burt notes wryly . . .

*sigh* Memories!

Ultimately, the father / son duo come to a compromise.  Kurt will ask Daddy, before having any possibly gay dudes sleep with him (a.k.a. any guy in Glee Club).  In return, Burt will school himself on the wonders of male-on-male sex, just in case Kurt happens to “have any questions” on the topic.  (Oh, Burt!  I have a WHOLE LIST of really great movies I can recommend for you on this topic.  Just call me, OK?)

But Kurt’s dad is the least of his problems.  Kurt also has to worry about the fact that a ONCE AGAIN drunk (My, they sure fall off the wagon fast on this show!) Rachel has asked Blaine out on a REAL date, post kiss.  And Blaine has accepted!

“And we can play Barbies, and watch The Care Bears Movie, and you can braid my hair, and play with my dollhouse .  . .”

Kurt sees Blaine’s acceptance of a date with Rachel as a blatant rejection of Kurt homosexuality.  Blaine argues that he is just not that into him “confused” about whether he’s into dudes, chicks, or both, and that Kurt should stop chasing after him like a wounded puppy be more understanding.  Then Blaine ends the conversation, just as any straight manly man would, by sticking his tongue out, flipping his hair, and strutting off, in a huff . . .

That night Kurt stops by Rachel’s house to ask stalkerish questions about Blaine, and interrogate her about the Infamous Date the two shared help her clean up the basement, after the big party.  To Kurt’s chagrin, the pair actually had a great time.  Kurt “kindly” tells Rachel that she is destined to a be a perpetual  . . . forgive the expression . . . “Fag Hag” to gay guys pretending to be straight, starting with Blaine.  Now, if I were Rachel, I would of SLAPPED Kurt in the face for saying that to ME!  (Even though, let’s face it, it’s probably true .  . . for Rachel at least.) 

I love how, in this screencap, you can clearly see the bra Brittany was wearing earlier, at the party, hanging on the wall, behind Rachel and Kurt . . . It’s all about the details!

But Rachel, to her credit, refuses to be bullied by Jealous Kurt, and his pronouncements of doom and gloom.  She vows to kiss Blaine sober, thereby proving, once and for all, that the Warbler, is, in fact, in love with her.  After all, she is not about to pass up the opportunity to have “A New Musical Boyfriend” and . . .  eventually, “vaguely Eurasian-looking babies.”  I mean, can you blame her?

The next day, at the coffee shop, as Kurt creepily looks on, Rachel plants another smackeroo on the Blainester .  . .

Blaine’s reaction?  “Yep, I’m gay,” replies the Head Warbler, before exiting the coffee shop.

WOW!  Insensitive much?  Who knew gay guys could be such D-bags?  Fortunately, Rachel takes the rejection in stride.  Besides, being dumped by a gay guy in the middle of Starbucks is GREAT song-writing material.  Even, Rachel’s headband would agree!

Source

I Didn’t Know Vomit Could be That Color . . .

Looks more like Wet Cement . . . actually.

It’s the day of the Alcohol Awareness Assembly, and the Glee kids are unusually nervous about their performance of Ke$ha’s (or, as The Fig calls her “Ke Dollar Sign a”) rousing alcoholic anthem “Tik Tok.”  Fortunately, Rachel has come bearing courage-fabricating “refreshments.”  Said “refreshments” apparently include the REST of the contents of her dads’ liquor cabinet, all poured into one big yummy vat . . . along with cough syrup . . . and some crushed up Oreos . . .

Mmmmm . . .  Yummy!

Led by Ke$ha lookalike Brittany, and her criminally short-shorts, the Glee kids give a performance that starts off rather well, and ends in . . . for lack of a better word, Vomitpalooza 2011.

“Everybody drink responsibly,” slurs Brittany at the end of the performance, before rushing off for an intense session of Oreo Cookie Tossing and Porcelain God Praying.

You can enjoy the Glee kids, in all their pukey splendor, RIGHT HERE . . .

To add insult to vomit-covered injury, the next day, Sue decides to broadcast Will’s drunk dial to Emma across the student loudspeaker, during morning announcements.  (Poor Will!  He must not have very many friends AT ALL, if “Sue’s” name comes anywhere near “Emma’s” in his Cell Phone Contact List.)

Usually, on television shows like this, “Drunk Declarations of Love” are surprisingly romantic, eloquent, and poignant.  Not so here!  Kudos to Glee for showing the world what REAL DRUNK DIALS sound like: disturbing, stalkerish, and incredibly creepy.

  “Bring some wine coolers to my place, and we can get busy together ALL night . . . I rode a bull tonight, and when I was riding it, I was thinking of YOU,” slurs Will into his phone.  (Ummm  .  . . ew?)

“Awwww, you think I look like a Mechanical Bull!   That’s the sweetest thing anybody’s ever said to me!”

But just in case you were worried that our Glee kids and Will would experience repercussions for their bad behavior, worry not!  The Fig LOVED IT!  Thanks to the Glee kids barf, and Will’s humiliation, no one wants to be drunk in school anymore. 

Uhhhh  . . . your welcome?

In fact, The Fig is so grateful to the Glee club for their effort, he gives them all coupons to buy yogurt!  Because that’s the first thing you want to eat, after you’ve vomited up your insides . . . mushy, chunky, globule, yogurt  . . .

That afternoon, at Glee club practice, The Schue makes all the students sign pledges promising to stay sober through Nationals.   However, he also gives the crew his cell phone number, so that, in case they DO end up getting wasted, he can come pick them up from whatever dark alley they decide to shoot heroine in.

Can I get that number too, Will?

And that’s all she wrote!  Be sure to tune in two-weeks from now, when The Schue FINALLY takes a break from whining and complaining about how miserable his life is, in order to rock out to some Prince songs, and bang Gwyneth Paltrow.  Good times!

See ya then!

[www.juliekushner.com]

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Just Bieb It! – A Recap of Glee’s “Comeback”

OK. Confession Time!  Before this episode aired, I had NEVER HEARD A JUSTIN BIEBER SONG.  Not one . . . ever.  I’m not sure why this is, exactly.  But I strongly suspect it might have something to do with his hair.  Simply put, it frightens me.

Yeah . . . remember that Chucky doll, they used to make all the horror movies about, back in the 90’s?  (I’m not even going to post a picture of him here, because I plan on getting some sleep tonight.  Thank you very much!)  Well, Bieber’s hair . . . it kind of reminds me of that freaky doll.

So, when I heard Glee was doing a Bieber-themed episode, I was skeptical to say the least.  “Would Justin himself be making an appearance?”  I thought to myself.   “Would I (gasp) have to stare at THE HAIR for AN HOUR?”

The answers to those questions ended up being “No” an “YES,” respectively.  And while this wasn’t exactly my favorite Glee installment, it did offer some genuinely funny moments.  It also gave me a minor appreciation for The Biebster.  (His hair still scares me though . . . A LOT.)

Let’s take a Bieb-alicious look back, at “Comeback,” shall we?

Meet Sam . . . and Sam’s Hair

It’s officially been half a season, since Sam Evans first became a member of Glee club, and since Chord Overstreet joined the cast, as a series regular.  Since then, the Glee writers haven given Sam a few solos, his own love interest, and more shirtless scenes than ANY CHARACTER ON THIS SHOW, including (unfortunately) Puck . . .

But what they haven’t really given him is much of a personality.  And this week’s episode, while not going all the way, definitely took some strides toward remedying that oversight.

When the episode begins, we learn that, in the wake of her firework-inducing, mono-giving, makeout session with Finn (or, as I have taken to calling him, recently, Finndouche, Quinn has grown bored with Sam and his “mad choosing skills.”

Quinn openly scoffs at Sam’s suggestion that the pair go to “Color Me Mine” for Date Night.  Now, as far as hot dates go, “Color Me Mine” probably falls somewhere between “McNugget Happy Meal at McDonalds” and “private jet to the Bahamas.”  But we all know that PUCK got in Quinn’s pants, with nothing more than a few cheap beers, and some mildly kind words . . .

So, yeah, Sam, it’s safe to say that it’s not the POTTERY that’s to blame for your Dating Slump, it’s YOU!  Or maybe it’s not Sam, so much as his TOTAL LACK OF BACKBONE.  When Quinn tells Sam that she got mono, not from kissing Finn, but from giving him mouth-to-mouth when he CHOKED ON A GUMBALL (not the Heimlich, mind you, MOUTH-TO-MOUTH!) . . .

 . . . and Sam pretends to believe it, out of fear of losing his Ho-bag Barbie of a girlfriend, we all can see our blonde friend is just a smidge lacking in the cajones department, if you catch my drift.

That may not have been a GUMBALL, Quinn was carrying in her mouth, in the earlier picture.  Just sayin’.

But our Sam is optimistic!  He believes he can do what it takes to win back Ho-bag Barbie!  He’s ready to make . . . wait for it . . . a COMEBACK.  And that comeback starts with combing his hair into a creepy sidepart, and singing to a bunch of 13-year olds at what was probably LAMEST BAT MITZVAH EVER!

Seeing as Sam’s foray into being a one-man Justin Bieber Cover Band was SO successful with the Training Bra Crowd, he decides to bring his talents to an audience that DOESN’T make him look like a total pedophile when he performs in front of the — namely, Glee club.  So, off Sam heads to the front of the class to perform, Justin Bieber’s “Baby.”  To be honest, I found I couldn’t pay much attention to the song itself, because I found Sam’s (Bieber-esque (?)) dance moves, which were somewhat of a cross between the Robot, a Monkey in Heat, and Every Bad Line Dance You’ve Ever Seen, so oddly mesmerizing . . .

Just . . . cant . . . look . . .away.

Sam’s Scandalously Bad Dancing clearly hypnotizes the Glee Girls too, because the minute he starts performing, they are suddenly fawning all over the guy, and clinging to him, like a bunch of wet rags.  So, of course, Artie, Mike, and Puck want in on The Bieber Experience too.  After all, all three guys have found themselves in a Post V-day slump.  And they are in desperate need of some Bieb Street Cred to get back into their respective ladies’ panties. 

(OK, this is where I cry B.S., MIKE CHANG!  Last week, your girlfriend was so desperately in love with you, that the mere sight of you made her BURST INTO TEARS OF JOY.  NOW, just a few weeks later, you honestly expect me to believe that she has become immune, not just to you, but to YOUR ABS too?)

Did I MISS the episode where Tina went blind?

Unlike the rest of the Glee boys, Finn has no interest in Bieberizing himself (at least, at first).  After all, who needs Bieber Moves, when you’ve got Gassy Infant ones?

So, the rest of the Glee guys perform YET ANOTHER Bieber song for the Glee girls (and Schue).  This time, it’s “Somebody to Love.”  Again, the dance moves are bizarre (and, strangely enough, involve  . . . chalk?  Or maybe that was massive amounts of dandruff, the boys were playing with on stage?  I couldn’t really be sure).  But unlike with Sam’s first performance, this time, it wasn’t the dance moves that kept me from focusing on the music.  It was Puck and his reappearing / disappearing “Bieber Head,” which seemed to switch places with his Mohawk, on and off, throughout the musical number.

Hairy Puck issue aside, the second performance was an especially big hit with Ho-Bag Barbie, Quinn, who IMMEDIATELY decides to dump Finn cold turkey, and go back to her now-Bieberized boyfriend, Sam.  Unfortunately for Quinn, Santana has already dug her claws into that ridiculous mop top head.  Pulling Sam aside, she forces him to admit that he knows about his girlfriend’s affair with Finn.  She also “delicately” offers the Macauley Culkin double her “services”.  “I wants on them Froggy Lips.  And I wants on them NOW,” she coos . . .

Not surprisingly, Sam dumps Ho-Bag Barbie’s ass, ASAP.  And in the character’s final scene, we watch him get “up close and personal” with Santana and “the two rambunctious twins that live on [her] ribcage.”

Personally, I CAN’T WAIT until she gives HIM Mono . . . or whatever Fun Variety Pack of STDs she is currently carrying

Sue-icide is Painless

Sam wasn’t the only Glee cast member in need of a comeback, this week.  After her earth-shattering Cheerios cheerleading championship loss, which resulted in the Glee club getting ALL of the school’s extracurricular club money, Sue is SO depressed, that she actually tries to KILL HERSELF by OD-ing on Gummy vitamins!  When that doesn’t work, she tries BEATING UP GLEE CLUB MEMBERS.  (Can someone tell me how this woman is STILL A TEACHER?)

Emma, being the annoyingly GOOD person that she is, sympathizes with Sue’s plight, and really wants to help.  So, she offers her the MOST AWESOME SELF-HELP PAMPHLET IN THE HISTORY OF SELF-HELP PAMPHLETS!

But when that doesn’t work, she flashes her tits puppy dog eyes at Schue.  And, this somehow convinces him to let Sue join Glee club.

WILL:  If I do this for you, will you divorce Jesse from Full House, and have white-gloved, compulsively-clean, insanely boring sex with me in the Choir room?

EMMA:  DEAL! 

So, of course, Sue uses this opportunity to try and sabatoge the Glee Club, using the oldest trick in the book:  pit the members against one another.  (Zzzzzzzz — Honestly, Sue, I expected something a little more creative from YOU!)  And, so, Sue tells resident divas, and new found besties, Rachel and Mercedes, that each has said that the other has “no talent.”  The result is a “Diva Off” to “Take Me or Leave Me” from the musical Rent. 

It is also, by far, my favorite performance of the episode . . . which is weird for me, seeing as the pieces that come from musicals typically tend to be my least favorite on the show.  (I guess I’m just “uncultured” like that.)

You can check out Rachel and Mercedes, and their fabulous DIVA OFF, right here:

As you may have noticed, Sue’s plan here fails MISERABLY.  And the act of singing, which was initially meant to divide Rachel and Mercedes, actually ends up bringing them EVEN CLOSER . . .

Realizing what Sue tried to do to his Glee Kids, Will punishes her and us with Intense Emotional Manipulation.  Oh yes, boys and girls, we are off to sing “This Little Light of Mine” to sick kids at a hospital, or, as Sue calls it, the House of Sad.  Thanks Glee!  Because, I wasn’t feeling guilty enough about the cracks I made at the prepubescent Bieber’s expense (well, really just The Hair . . . and The Dancing) in this blog.  You had to go and make me feel like an even crappier human being, by making me watch THIS!)

Sue’s journey to the House of Sad inspires her to lead the Glee kids in an “Anthem,” which just so happens to be the theme for the upcoming Reginonals Competition.  She chooses “Sing” from My Chemical Romance.  Now, I know some of your out there were deeply offended that Glee would have the GALL to cover a song by the admittedly fabulous MCR.  But I, for one, was actually pretty happy with this performance.  Then again, maybe that’s just because I like flannel . . . and furry hats.

Speaking of “Interesting” Fashion Choices . . .

Turns out, Lauren Zizes isn’t really all that good of a singer.  But I am a BIG fan of the cheesetastic 80’s inspired outfit she wears, when she performs “I Know What Boys Like,” in front of the crowd, this week . . .

Additionally, I was a HUGE fan of Puck’s suggestion, as to how Lauren could combat her stage fright!  As a result of that suggestion, during Lauren’s admittedly “Meh” musical number, we were treated to the teen’s view of what the Glee crew would look like in their underwear . . .

Aside from the obvious titillation of a shirtless Mike Chang, and SUPRISE, yet another shirtless Sam Evans shot, I’d have to say my FAVORITE underwear choices were a toss up between Finndouche and his Power Ranger Underoos, and Sue’s decidedly uncomfy Catwoman / S&M Mistress of the Darkness getup . . .

Will’s Cutoff Short Shorts (seen toward the left of this screencap) bring up the “rear” (No Pun Intended) for a close third.

In fact, my ONLY complaint, about Lauren’s undie choices, was THIS . . .

There is, most certainly, no way in HELL, that Puck sleeps with a SHIRT ON!  Opportunity for Greatness = Wasted.

Oh, and then THIS happened, which frightened me . . .

All political correctness aside, you have to admit, that is one SCARY screencap!  Also, is that a WEDDING RING on her finger?

In Other Fashion News . . .

“Being Cool” is apparently at the top of Rachel Berry’s “To Do” List, right above THESE ITEMS . . .

AVATAR on Ice Audition, ay?  Now THAT would be a fantastic Glee episode!

So, Rachel pays Britney to dress like HER, so that the unpopular Diva can also become a “trendsetter” by association.  How does one dress like Rachel Berry?   By shopping the Sales Rack of Kids R’ Us, of course!

Rachel’s plan actually WORKS!  And, within days, the entire female student body is rocking the “Sexy Librarian Chic,” look or whatever the heck Rachel calls it . . .

The problem is, however, that no one attributes the TREND to Rachel.  Rather, they ASSUME the style came from Brittany herself.  In fact, they openly mock Rachel for her inability to copy it correctly.  (She wore a reindeer on her sweater, when she should have worn a carousel horse.) 

“When people look at you, they don’t see your clothes.  They see a cat getting its temperature taken . . . and then they hear it screaming,” Brittany helpfully offers, by way of explanation, as to why this anomaly has occurred.

Source

Rachel gets shot down AGAIN this week, when she tries to convince her fellow Gleeks that they should not perform “Sing” at Regionals, because, while flannel and furry hats are cool, they are not cool ENOUGH to beat competitors, like Aural Intensity, the Warblers, and, of course, Vocal Adrenaline.  Rachel thinks the group should instead write their own ORIGINAL music. 

Though he doesn’t have the balls to stick up for Rachel in the Choir room, WHERE IT COUNTS, Finndouche, de-Douchifies himself long enough toward the end of the episode, to tell Rachel and her Minnie Mouse costume, that he believes she has what it takes to write an original song for Regionals, and, ultimately, convince the Glee kids to sing it at the competition. 

“I think you are do for a COMEBACK into my pants,” Finn insists to his Ex, as he walks down the hallway, leaving Rachel to have a Mini-O at the mere notion that this cheating lame-o actually BELIEVES IN HER!

Yeah, I know this picture has nothing to do with what I just wrote.  I just posted it here again, because I think it’s really funny.  Also, Finndouche and I are in a fight . . . So, TAKE THAT, FINNDOUCHE!

All sarcasm aside, Sue announces, during the final moments of the episode, that she will now be acting as Glee coach for New Directions’ competitors, “Aural Intensity”  . . .

(Yeah, because that’s not unrealistic at all!  Sorry . . . sarcasm again!)

As a result, Sue will likely have THEM performing MCR’s “Sing,” considering it was her song choice, after all.  Therefore, I’m thinking that Rachel’s dream to write her own music for the Regional competition is about to come true . . .

And that was “Comeback” in a nutshell.  Did it give YOU the Bieber Fever, or would you prefer that it “GOback” where it came from?

[www.juliekushner.com]

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The French Connections – A Recap of Pretty Little Liars’ “Je Suis Un Amie”

Oh, Creepy Toby!  How we missed those big blue eyes and that Serial Killer Facial Expression, of yours!

“Je Suis Un Amie,” this week’s episode title, when translated into English, means, literally, “I Am A  Friend.”  Get it?  A Friend . . . as an “A?”  Pretty darn clever, huh? 

Given the title of the episode, it’s kind of fitting that this latest installment of the series (1) featured lots of French influences — from French tutoring, to Spencer’s ridiculous French-inspired wardrobe (Seriously, who is DRESSING her, lately?),  to a French language version of Catcher in the Rye; and (2)  may very well have brought us closer than ever before to finding out “A’s” true identity.  (I’ll give you a hint.  Based on the evidence we learned this week, all fingers seem to point to a girl who’s name rhymes with . . . LINED . . . HENNA.)

So, what are we waiting for?  Let’s start digging for clues!

Turning the Paige . . .

I am going to start with the LEAST exciting storyline first, to get it out of the way . . .

Sorry, Em!  But you KNOW it’s true!

It’s a few days before the Big Swim Meet.  Emily and her new rival Paige, or, as I like to call her, Little Orphan Butchy, are still at odds with one another.  Except now, instead of MERELY competing for the role of Team Captain, Emily and Paige are now also in competition to determine who gets to swim the much-coveted anchor leg of the relay race.

Since the girls’ respective personal best times are identical, the coach decides to have the at-odds pair compete in a Swim Off against one another.  Emily, once again, tries to be friendly to her rival, by offering her a few words of encouragement.  But Little Orphan Butchy is not having it.  She responds to Emily’s efforts by, more or less, growling and snarling, like the rabid dog she may very well be, underneath that ridiculous wig of hers.

That night, Emily awakens to a knock at her door . . .

And, wouldn’t you know it . . . it’s a WET DOG!

Little Orphan Butchy is COMPLETELY soaked through with rain (or is it sweat?).   She’s also blubbering and crying, and looks half way toward catching pneumonia.   But does Emily let Butchy into her house?  Nope.  (GOOD GIRL!)

All joking aside, Little Orphan Butchy evokes just a smidgeon of my sympathy, when she starts sobbing out apologies to Emily, while standing on her porch.  “I’m sorry,” she snivels.  “I just wanted you to know that.  You have every reason to hate me.”

(Yes, she SURE does!)

With those brief words, Little Orphan Butchy dashes off on her bike, right into the storm, leaving a still half-asleep Emily completely confused.  Now, while I’ll admit I felt a little bad for Little Orphan Butchy, I couldn’t help but wonder whether the Evil Homophobe was apologizing for something more than just a few nasty comments, and that time she almost drowned her . . .

Could Little Orphan Butchy have done something AWFUL to Emily to sabatoge her ability to compete in the upcoming Swim Meet?

Understandably, I fear for Emily’s safety, when she arrives at the swim team locker room, the following day, prepared for her little race against Little Orphan Butchy.  As it turns out, however, my worries are unfounded.  Because Wet Dog Paige DOESN’T show up to practice!  Coach claims she was HURT on her bike the night before.  Her absence results in Emily getting the opportunity to swim the anchor position in the relay, by default!

HUH?

Well . . . surely it is Little Orphan Butchy’s intention then to sabotage Emily at the MEET, itself.   Right?  

The day of the meet comes.  And once again, I am EXTREMELY worried for Emily’s safety.  As she waits on the platform, I watch her for signs of poisoning and sudden illness.   When she steps onto the diving bored, I fear that Paige may have greased it with butter, causing Emily to slip and break her head.  When Paige HERSELF arrives on the scene, I find myself entirely convinced that she’s some kind of witch/wizard, planning to put a spell on Emily to make her perform poorly, during the race.  (Yes, I read Harry Potter too much.)

But then the race ends, and Emily WINS IT FOR HER TEAM!

“Fooled ya, didn’t I?”

After the meet, Emily finds Paige alone at the pool.  Paige admits that she wasn’t hurt,  but WISHES she had been.  As it turns out, she has gotten so caught up in the pressure and competitiveness of winning, that she just doesn’t enjoy swimming anymore.  Emily, of course, can relate to this feeling, having experienced it herself, just a few months earlier, when she had temporarily quit the swim team.

“How did you get over it?”  Paige wants to know.

“I stopped swimming for everyone else, and started swimming just for me,” explains Emily.  “When was the last time you swam just for fun?”  Emily inquires, with a wink.

Then, suddenly Emily and Paige are “having fun” in the pool together, with Cheesy Girl Power music playing in the background.  Emily is giving Paige some “looks,” if you catch my drift.  And these LOOKS worry me.  (Please LORD don’t make these two a couple, PLL Writers!  Emily can do SOOOOO much better than Little Orphan Butchy . . . just sayin!)

Just keep swimming, Emily!  There are MANY other (better) fish in the sea!

Source

Aria’s Not So Shocking Discovery

Hanna:  “Ewww, Aria, why are your mom and dad making monkey in our school library?  That’s REALLY nasty!”

Aria:  “Shut the f*&k up, Hanna.  At least my mom doesn’t screw Deputy Douchey, or steal money from old ladies!”

If you recall, last week’s PLL installment ended with the completely lame and entirely predictable cliffhanger of whether or not Aria’s mom ACTUALLY saw Aria and Fitzy necking on their clandestine “date” at the Philadelphia museum . . .

When the episode begins, Aria is digging for money in her dad’s jacket pocket, when she comes upon some VERY interesting contraband . . .

When Aria inquires as to what her dad is doing with the SAME ticket to the SAME museum event that she secretly attended with Fitzy, Aria’s dad mumbles something about  Aria’s mom, and then proceeds to become even more socially awkward and incoherent than usual.  Aria gets even MORE concerned that she’s been found out, when her mom acts equally bizarre, when questioned about whether SHE attended the event.

“Ummm . . . ummmm . . . ummmm . . . I’m boinking your dad again, and have inexplicably decided to keep it a secret from you so that you will spend the entire first half of the episode worried that I found out about you having Hot Limo Sex with your much older teacher boyfriendI’m sorry.  Could you repeat the question?”

Aria is ultimately relieved to learn that her mom’s car broke down, thus making her, ultimately, unable to attend the museum art exhibit.  And yet, much to Hanna’s chagrin, Aria has caught Spencer’s Veronica Mars Disease, and is still intent on finding out why her parents have been acting so friggin bizarre lately.  And so, Aria and Hanna tail Aria’s dad’s car one night.  Of course, they are surprised, when he ends up parking it at their high school.

Hanna:  “Hey Aria, maybe your dad has lost his memory, and thinks he’s 16 years old again, and still looks like THIS . . .”

Oh yeah, that’s TOTALLY a pre-drugged out Charlie Sheen next to him, by the way.  It’s AMAZING what you can find on the internet! 

Still waiting in the car, Aria calls her mother from her cell phone.  As a result of that call, we are treated to this image . . .

I think I just threw up in my mouth a little . . .

Now, don’t get me wrong.  It’s not that I’m ageist, or anything.  In fact, there are PLENTY of 40 and 50 somethings that I would be PERFECTLY cool with seeing hook up.  (For starters, I could watch George Clooney hump a TREE, and I’d still be happy!)  It’s not even that Holly Marie Combs and Chad Lowe are unattractive.  On the contrary, they are both VERY good looking people.  It’s just that these two have NO CHEMISTRY WHATSOEVER!  So watching them makeout, and rub up on eachother, is about as romantic as watching two slugs mate . . .

Anywhoo . . . Aria is concerned by her mom’s weirdness on the phone, and knows that her parents are DEFINITELY up to something.  (Oh, they are up to SOMETHING all right!)   After some cajoling and puppy-dog eye giving, Aria ultimately convinces Hanna to go into the school with her, so the pair can stalk Aria’s dad.  Good times!

Hanna’s and Aria’s investigation ultimately leads them to the library, where they encounter THIS . . .

Nope . . . still not sexy . . .

(Of course, the girls find OTHER things in the library too, which I will get to in just a bit, when we tackle Hanna’s storyline.) 

The next day, a now emotionally-scarred Aria gets a text from A, that says THIS . . .

Oh, HANNA!  You’ve got some ‘splaining to do!

Hanna (temporarily) loses a friend . . . but gains a new boy toy and housemate

Welcome to The Dating Game, Hanna!  So far, we’ve met Bachelor Number One, Sean, and Bachelor Number Two, Lucas.  Allow us to introduce you to Bachelor Number 3, Caleb.  Caleb is homeless, has no family, and is probably a drug dealer.  But he’s very attractive, and can break into anything even your pants!  Needless to say, your mother will LOVE HIM!

Lucas has been gone for two whole weeks now, and Hanna seems to have a VERY short attention span.  For this reason, she spends most of the episode eye f*&king Resident Bad Boy Caleb.  You see, Hanna owes Caleb for that “little favor” he did for her, by wrecking Aria’s mom’s car, so she couldn’t get to the museum where Aria and Fitzy were screwing enjoying their date.  And Caleb wants to COLLECT on this favor . . .

Now, if this were a show on ANY channel, aside from ABC Family, we all KNOW EXACTLY how Caleb would expect Hanna to “repay him” for the “favor” he did her.  (Hint:  It rhymes with “lex.”)  But this IS ABC Family, so Caleb merely wants Hanna to go on a “date” with him.  Caleb believes that dating a popular and “clean cut” girl like Hanna will give him the “Street Cred” he needs to push drugs and alcohol on Hanna’s rich friends.

Hanna kindly obliges, even going as far as to point out which of her friends are the wealthiest, sluttiest, and most drug addicted.  She does this, in exchange for information regarding Caleb’s Sick Sad Life as a foster child.   Once Caleb has enough gullible marks for his Con Artist game, him and Hanna attend Emily’s swim meet, and eye f*&k eachother some more . . .

That night, while she is stalking Aria’s parents, Hanna finds an air vent, filled with cell phones, dark clothing, and a wad of cash, all of which she immediately assumes belongs to “A.”  Hanna promptly pockets the cash, explaining to Aria, that “A” owes her for the medical bills she incurred when “A” ran her over with the car.  (Of course, she neglects to mention to Aria the whole “Felony Blackmail thing,” or that “A” also “owes Hanna” for doing her bidding, by trying to sabotage Aria’s date with Ezra.)

The moment Hanna steals  borrows takes an Unauthorized Loan of the cash,  however,  her and Aria are startled by a loud crash, and frightened by the sight of a dark figure looming before them, in the distance . . .

Aria and Hanna try to outrun their assailant, but he is WAY faster than them, and catches up quickly.  At one point, Hanna tries to put more space between her and Aria and their potential attacker, by overturning a trashcan in front of him.   But the dude leaps over it SO effortlessly, I start to wonder whether “A” (if that’s who he ends up being) might, in fact, be Spiderman . . .

Eventually, however, the hooded figure backs Aria and Hanna into a corner.  Out of options, Hanna cleverly improvizes, by spraying hairspray in her assailant’s face.  Blinded, he removes his mask.  And the girls’ assailant IS . . . (drum roll, please) . . . THIS GUY!

Yes, boys and girls, Caleb lives in the LIBRARY, where the books are free, and the nighttime teacher makeout sessions are a plenty!  He does this, because he doesn’t want to end up in yet another foster home.  Hearing this, understandably, makes Hanna and Aria feel guilty for complaining about their own, not nearly as crappy, lives.  So, Hanna reluctantly returns Caleb’s money.  Then, the girls leave the library, and let Caleb go back to reading Wuthering Heights for the 325th time . . .

The next day, school board officials find Caleb’s personal belongings stashed in the heating vent, and toss them in the trash.  “My Eviction Notice,” notes Caleb to Hanna morosely, as he digs his food-stained shirts out of a nearby garbage pail.

“Well, this place has very little closet space,” remarks Hanna,  trying to keep things light.

Recognizing how terrified her new Bad Boy Buddy is about returning to the foster care system, Hanna invites Caleb to live in her basement.  “My mom is so self-absorbed, and oblivious to every aspect of my life, she will NEVER EVEN KNOW YOU ARE THERE!”  Hanna says, more or less.  “Besides, she’s out hooking most of the night, and sleeps all day in a drug-induced stupor.”

In hindsight, it’s kind of a good thing that Hanna has a new housemate.  Because she’s going to need all the friends she can get, now!  When Aria first receives that cryptic text from “A” alluding to Hanna’s part in her almost getting caught with Fitzy by her mom, she immediately confronts Hanna with it, not believing the content of the message at all.  “A’s really gone off the deep end now.  She’s trying to turn us against eachother!  I can’t believe it,” insists Aria, infuriated.

(Well . . . that’s true, Aria.  Just not exactly in the way you think.)

Though Hanna could have just blown off the text message, thereby preserving her friendship with Aria, guilt ultimately overcomes her.   So, Hanna comes clean to her bestie, about sending Aria’s mother the museum tickets.  “A has something on ME,” Hanna insists, by way of explanation for her massive betrayal.

“A has something on ALL OF US,” argues Aria, “But nothing A said could make me do that to you!”

And, with that, a rightfully furious Aria stalks off, leaving a dejected Hanna alone to lick her wounds.

That night, Hanna is sobbing on the staircase, as she makes yet another apologetic phonecall to Aria that goes unanswered.  Caleb is there, talking about showers, and towels.  So, I start to think that maybe we will get to see him shirtless tonight . . .

We don’t . . .

But we do get to see him sit next to Hanna and sweetly comfort her, which is nice . . .

And yet . . .  given that Caleb has spent weeks living in the school library, I’m not entirely sure his decision to FORGO a much needed shower, for Hanna’s sake, is a particularly hygenic (or good-smelling) one.

Here, I would  like to note that the Lucas has not missed a single shower since he was two-years old.  Just sayin’

And finally, the storyline you’ve all been waiting for . . .

Spencer and Toby do French . . . but not in the way you think . . .

Last week, I mocked Spencer a bit, for the Indiana Jones costume she wore, while investigating Ali’s hot shirtless brother Jason out on the field.  This week, Spencer entertained us, by wearing yet another Halloween costume.  This time she dressed up like her favorite American Girl doll  . . .

Blue Beret sold separately!

Maintaining her French wardrobe theme for the evening, Spencer’s second ensemble was a cross between French Maid, French Clown, and French Poodle . . .

Given Spencer’s newfound love of French Couture, it was, perhaps, fitting that she had decided to tutor Creepy Toby (who was now being homeschooled, as a result of all the bullying he was receiving, on account of being the main police’s suspect in Ali’s murder) in French.

Spencer’s reasoning for deciding to tutor Toby is three-fold:  (1) She feels guilty for being TOTALLY convinced he murdered Ali, during the early months of her murder investigation.  And she sees this as a good an opportunity as any to apologize for being such a b*tch to him.  (2) Seeing as people keep blowing up his mailbox, there’s no way Toby’s ever going to get those Rosetta Stone CD’s he ordered from Amazon.com, in time for finals . . .

(3) Now that Spencer TOO has been somewhat accused of being responsible for Ali’s death (Remember that Crazy Bead Selling Lady, suggested that Spencer had ordered Ali’s Death Bracelet, last week?),  the Veronica Mars Disease in Spencer has somehow convinced her that Toby can be her Logan Echolls (or, at least, her Wallace).  Together, Spencer feels that she and Toby can figure out WHO is framing them and why.  And THIS, she figures, might actually lead them to “A” and Ali’s killer.

After taking the advertisement off the wall, so no one else could volunteer for the job not that anyone else would want it, Spencer nervously heads over to Boo Radley’s Creepy Toby’s and Blind Jenna’s house, after school . . .

When she eventually finds the courage to ring the doorbell, Creepy Toby answers.

 Toby is clearly leery of Spencer, and isn’t quite sure what her true intentions are.   He’s also concerned that, if Blind Jenna knows that Spencer is in the house with him, she will rape Toby again freak out.  Of course, Creepy Toby would absolutely LOVE to study with Spencer someplace away from home, where he would feel more comfortable (like a cemetery, or bat cave, perhaps), however his darn House Arrest Bracelet, won’t let him leave his property.  So, Spencer suggests that the pair study on the porch instead.  Toby reluctantly agrees . . .

Initially, Spencer tries to butter Toby up, by giving him a French version of a book she KNOWS he enjoys, namely, Catcher in the Rye by J.D. Salinger.  Spencer wisely notes that reading a book in French that he has already read in English will help him become fluent in the language.  But Toby is not so easily bought.  He wants to know why Spencer is really there.

The two eventually warm to one another a bit, and get to talking, about how much it sucks to be framed for Ali’s murder.  Spencer wonders out loud how the jacket Toby gave Ali on the night of her murder, ended up back in his house, after she died. Before he can answer her question, however, Toby notices the rustling of a nearby window, and quickly bids Spencer adieu.  Obviously, Blind Jenna has come out to play! 

(OK.  If Jenna is BLIND why is she “LOOKING” out the window at Spencer and Toby?   Weird!)

That afternoon, Spencer already seems totally smitten with Toby, which is odd considering that she used to make out with SUPER HOT Wren that just a few episodes ago, she hated his guts.  “He seems . . . hornydifferent,” Spencer notes dreamily to Emily, as the latter tries not to laugh hysterically at her friend’s MAJOR change of heart.

*sigh*  “Creepy Toby is sooooo dreamy.   Do you think he likes me?  You know, when Toby and I get married, Blind Jenna will be my sister-in-law.  That’s going to suck SO BAD!”

When Spencer is not sleuthing, or dressing French, or dreaming about Toby, this week, she spends the rest of her time, glaring at her new brother-in-law Pedo Ian, and quitting the hockey team, because he’s it’s coach . . .

Ian feigns offense at Spencer’s obvious rejection of him.  He insists that he just wants to make peace with his wife’s little sister.  However, Spencer isn’t buying it.  Big Sis Meliss tries to intervene, and let Spencer know what a FABULOUS person Pedo Ian is . . .

“Is THAT why he’s hitting on a 13-year old now?  Because that’s what FABULOUS adults do?”  Spencer notes wryly (more or less), as she motions toward a little kiddy that Pedo Ian seems to be grooming for his special Lolita collection.  

Spencer insists that Melissa ask her new husband about his various rendezvouse with Ali before she died.  But Melissa retorts that, since Spencer has been spending time with Creepy Toby, he must be poisoning her little sister’s mind against her new husband.  “You just always want what I HAVE,” remarks Melissa.  “You need help!”

Correction, Melissa:  Spencer wants what you HAD . . . not HAVE.  There’s a BIG distinction.

Speaking of Wren, he gets a SHOUT OUT, in Melissa’s next line, “I’ve already lost one relationship because of you, you will not ruin my marriage too!”  Melissa huffs, before storming out. 

(Well, at least SOMEONE, besides me, remembers that Gorgeous Hunk of Man!)

Later, Melissa approaches Spencer again to apologize for her earlier behavior.  Apparently, Pedo Ian has finally come clean to his wife about making out with Spencer, while the pair were broken up, but she’s totally cool with it (NEVER MIND THAT SPENCER WAS 14, AT THE TIME).  Then, Melissa decides to drop a couple of bombshells on Spencer, by revealing (1) that SHE proposed to Pedo Ian, not the other way around; and (2) that she’s pregnant with Pedo Ian’s Evil Spawn!

For once, Spencer, that face is TOTALLY justified.

Later that day, Spencer comes back to visit Creepy Toby again, and is totally caught off guard, when he dumps her as his French tutor.  “This isn’t going to work out,” says Toby brusquely.  “We can’t help eachother.  You have to go,” he concludes, handing Spencer back her book, as he dashes back inside his Haunted House. 

(By the way, did you notice the DARK GLASSES on the outside table, during this scene? Do you think they were Blind Jenna’s?  If so, what exactly does that mean?)

You’ve got some ‘splaining to do, Blind Jenna!

When Spencer gets home from Creepy Toby’s house, and puts the French Catcher in the Rye book on her bed, a slip of paper falls out of it.  It’s a message from Creepy Toby . . .

“I found this in Jenna’s bedroom.   I think you may be right!”

Below Toby’s handwritten message is a pencil rubbing done of some characters, which were clearly typed in braille.  The question is:  What exactly does it SAY?

In the final moments of the episode, we are treated to the CREEPY sounds of a record (SERIOUSLY A RECORD?  What is this, 1975?), which boasts that it can teach a person French easily.  All they have to do is listen.  As the voice on the record repeatedly utters “Je Suis Un Amie,” the camera pans over a number of suspicious items:  (1) laptop, (2) a knife, (3) some rope, (4) a wrench, and (5) THIS . . .

What the F*&K is THAT supposed to be?

What exactly all this signifies is still a mystery . . . to me, anyway.  After all, TOBY would seem to be the most likely candidate to own a record like this.  After all, he needs to learn French, and he just ditched his tutor.  So, it would make sense for him to practice the language using an instructional record (possibly originally by one of his parents’)? 

And yet, up to this point, all signs have pointed to JENNA being the mysterious “A.”  Certainly, JENNA would have access to Toby’s room, during this scene.  She may even play his French record out of curiousity, and manipulate his belongings, in order to throw fans off track frame him for Ali’s murder. 

And yet, would the solution  that Blind Jenna is “A” be too obvious?  Could “A” have been Toby all along?  Or is the person featured at the end of this episode someone else entirely . . . one of Toby’s and Jenna’s parents, perhaps?

I guess we will have to wait until next week to find out . . . See you then!

[www.juliekushner.com]

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Well, THAT’S Convenient! – A Recap of Pretty Little Liars’ “If At First You Don’t Succeed, Lie, Lie Again”

SMILE!  You’re on a Creepy Stalker’s Camera!

Welcome back, my Pretties!  This was a pretty productive episode, wasn’t it?  We met a new enemy (specifically, Emily’s Swim Teammate, Paige, or as I like to call her, Little Orphan B*tchie).

Seriously?  That hair?  Those clothes?  No . . . just . . . no.

We got to know a new friend with benefits? a little bit better . . .

“Hi!  My name is Stereotypical Bad Boy Love Interest.  What’s yours?”

We welcomed back a new suspect (who’s been SERIOUSLY hitting the steroids HARD eating his Wheaties, since we saw him last).

A few couples heated things up (one of which we ACTUALLY cared about!).

Mmmm!  That looks like it tastes good . . .

Meh . . .

An old lady died (RIP Old Lady!).  And another Old Lady told SOMEONE (A?  Ali’s Killer?) that she (or he, though it definitely seemed more like a she) had nice eyes . . .

“Why thank you, Old Lady, and you have nice .  . . teacups.”

And finally, Spencer FINALLY revealed why she’s been acting so Cuckoo Bananas, everytime she gets anywhere near that picture of Ali that was taken the night she died . . .

But we still haven’t figured out why she always makes that weird face . . .

Let’s review, shall we?

Questionable Judgment (and even more questionable hats)

Clearly, all these months of being tortured by “A,” making out with inappropriate men (and women), and not sleeping, have started to take their toll on the girls.  We see the first signs of this, when the typically stylish Aria arrives at Spencer’s house inexplicably dressed like Where’s Waldo?

(Hanna, of course, had another analogy for Aria’s bizarro appearance.  She compared her to a Strung Out Powder Puff Girl.  This, to me, seemed kind of redundant, as the Powder Puff Girls ALWAYS look strung out, as far as I’m concerned . . .)

Sorry, Buttercup!

And yet, we can’t really blame Aria for not looking her best this morning.  After all, she’s been up all night, dreaming about the next public restroom she and Fitzy can screw in, McDonalds?  Wendy’s? studying Ali’s morbid final moments caught on film.  And during these hours of restless study, she has come to two conclusions: (1) there is a shadow of a second person in the film, who is clearly following Ali toward wherever she is going; (2) the photograph was taken from Ali’s bedroom window.  This new information causes Hanna and Emily to begin speculation as to who could possibly be the second person caught on film.  And it causes Spencer to . . . make That Face again . . .

Sometimes, my jaw and eyebrows get tired, just watching her do this . . . I’m starting to think she might have inadvertently swallowed her “ex”-boyfriend, Wren . . .

 . . . and Alex, for that matter . . .

In terms of who has taken the Extremely Morbid Picture, the girls rationally assume that it had to be Ali’s brother, Jason.  If you recall, Jason is the same creepy brother who TOTALLY took over Ali’s memorial service, and basically, accused all the girls (but, mostly, Spencer) of knowing more than they claimed about Ali’s death.  None of the girls seem to have any desire to talk to Jason again.  But Spencer JUMPS RIGHT ON THAT OPPORTUNITY!

Gee!  I wonder WHY?  (That Spencer . .. such a Maneater!)

Clad in her best approximation of an Indiana Jones Halloween costume (all she’s missing is the whip), Spencer heads off to the track to find Ali’s brother, Jason, sans shirt.  (Correct me if I’m wrong, but is this the first shirtless male we’ve seen on PLL?  Thanks, ABC Fam!  It was much appreciated.  TRUST ME!) 

Of course, he HAS to be running stairs when we first see him!  Because, otherwise, there seems to be absolutely NO EXPLANATION as to how this guy nearly DOUBLED in size (and hotness), since we last saw him . . .

He also seems to have dyed his hair . . . not that I spent all that much time focusing on anything above his neck . . . 😉

Jason initially denies taking the picture.  When asked who he thinks might have taken it, he informs Spencer that it could have been anyone.  After all, plenty of  insensitive people have tried to send him fake photographs of Ali, since her untimely demise. 

All doubts aside, Jason takes the picture, anyway (not sure where he put it though . . . his pants, perhaps?), and promises to have his private investigator take a look at it.  Jason then apologizes for being such a douche to Spencer, during Ali’s memorial.  To this Spencer mumbles her assent unenthusiastically, and rushes off.  Now, I suspect our girl Spence would have been more gracious about accepting Jason’s apology, if she weren’t so mesmerized by his six pack and bulging sweaty chest . . .

See, in THIS context, The Face makes PERFECT SENSE!

But Jason isn’t the only one getting some exercise this morning.  Emily is in the pool, working on some strokes (no pun intended).

The Battle of the Breast(stroke)

If you recall, Emily was quite the swimmer, back in the day.  But after everything went down with Ali, she took some time off from the sport, to get her head together.  Now, Emily is back, and kicking butt!

But SOMEONE isn’t happy about it . . .

Little Orphan B*tchie doesn’t appear to be quite the swimming phenom that Emily is.  But what she lacks in talent, she makes up for in sheer annoyingness, and cheesiness.  This is evidenced by her deciding to use the team’s Locker Room Change Time to give everyone on the team dorky “Go Sharks” bracelets . . .

Does that Ugly Bracelet look familiar to you?  It sure looks familiar to EMILY!

Of course, Emily immediately assumes that the “friendship bracelets” they got from Ali, back when she was alive, the DUPLICATE one that “A” gave them, and the ones that Paige had made, all come from he same place.  (Really?  Because I’ve probably seen about 100 ugly friendship bracelets that look just like those, in my time.  You can usually buy them for 50 cents in those toy dispenser machines they keep in front of grocery stores . . .)

Paranoid Paige, who immediately assumes that Emily is back on the team, only to take the coveted Swim Team Captain job away from her, not-so-subtly threatens to “out” Emily to the rest of the team, should she compete against Paige for the position.

Paige does this by making an extremely unfunny Breast-stroke joke.  (Why do I have a feeling this is going to end up being a Kurt versus Karofsky from Glee situation, all over again?)

Emily holds her own, however.  She tells Paige, in no uncertain terms, that if she really wants to be Swim Team Captain, she should stop sucking so much at .  . . you know . . . swimming.  But Paige’s homophobic comments still irk Emily enough to complain about them to Aria and Spencer at lunch.  These complaints prompt Spencer, unbeknownst to Emily, to rat Paige out to the swim coach.  (This, by the way, eventually causes a pretty intense fight between Spencer and Emily.  But they make up by the end of the episode.  So, it didn’t really seem worth mentioning.)

The swim coach keeps Emily and Paige, after practice, to discuss Paige’s derogatory statements.  She even offers to throw Paige off the team, for what she said to Emily.  Emily, however, tells her that won’t be necessary.

Now, you would think that Emily’s act of EXTREME kindness, in the face of TOTAL douchebaggery, would merit some appreciation on Paige’s part.  But NO.  Paige instead tries to DROWN Emily in the pool . . .

Paige claims she did THIS, because she was pissed that she ended up being replaced by Emily on the relay team for an upcoming meet.  But I just think that BIATCH is CRA-ZY!

“Are YOU talkin’ to me?”

As for those ugly bracelets, the girls later did some investigation as to where they were purchased, and learned that they were made by some old lady, who worked out of her home.  When Spencer (of course, it would be SPENCER doing the investigating, AGAIN!) arrives at the lady’s house, however, the old biddy tells her that both Emily’s bracelet, and “A’s” bracelet, were both purchased by . . .  wait for it . . . SPENCER HASTINGS!

But just when I think that this was going to devolve into one of those Split Personality Lifetime-type movies . . . you know, the ones where the victim ALSO ends up being the torturer . . . we are treated to a final scene, in which an unknown person, who, apparently has NICE EYES, visits the old biddy.  And the Old Biddy says to HER, “I did exactly what you said [lie].”

That, of course, immediately made me think of THIS flashback  scene, from the episode “Please, Do Talk About Me When I’m Gone.”

And with that, “Blind” Jenna just moved up a notch on my Suspects List.  After all, we never did figure out how she was able to put on that lipstick using the MIRROR . . .

But enough about Little Miss Swimfan, and Blind Jenna’s “beautiful eyes,” let’s talk a bit about Aria and Fitzy, and their Hot Date . . .

NO!  Not that one . ..  the one at the MUSEUM!

Night at the Museum

(NOTE:  Animated GIFS in this section of the recap have been “borrowed” from the Aria and Ezra Tumblr.  So, special thanks to the folks over there!  Readers, if this is your “SHIP,” definitely check them out!)

Up until this point in their relationship, Aria’s and Ezra’s “dates” have included (1) a quickie in a public restroom; (2) some hot tongue action in cars; (3) blink and you’ll miss it, romps in Ezra’s Swingin’ Bachelor Pad; (4) school dances; (5) and a trip to the movies with Aria’s MOM.  So, you can imagine how THRILLED Aria was, when Spencer got her and her Secret Boyfriend tickets to an art opening at a museum in Philadelphia . . .

As Spencer put it, Aria was willing to give her TONGUE for those tickets.  (Hmmmm .  . . wonder how Emily would have felt about that.)  In Philadephia, Aria and Ezra will be FREE to swap spit in public!  YAY!  (Well . . . people will still probably notice that Ezra was macking an underage girl, but at least they won’t know she’s his HIGH SCHOOL STUDENT.)

For me, the BEST part of the entire episode, was when Aria approached Ezra, while he was proctoring an exam, to give him the tickets (hidden in a writing notebook), and inform him that he should “dress formally” for their date . . .

For a second there, I was seriously concerned that Fitzy’s eyes were going to fall right out of his head!

Unfortunately, for Ezra (along with the two straight male fans of this show on the entire planet), Aria wasn’t exactly naked under there . . .

There are, of course, a lot of X-rated ways in which this “note” could be interpreted, but I’m pretty sure she’s just telling him to wear a tie . . . unfortunately.

That night, when Aria arrives at Ezra’s apartment for their date, he surprises her by picking her up in a stretch limo, Mr. Big from Sex and the City– style . . .

And in my dirty mind, on the WAY to the museum, the pair got it on, Chuck and Blair-style . . .

Even though the artist they were SUPPOSED to see ended up canceling the event, Aria and Ezra still had an amazing time . . .

 . . . which is a relief, considering how close they came to having the WORST TIME EVER!  (I’m looking at YOU, Hanna!)

If you are REALLY happy that some one died (because it will prevent you from going to prison), does that make you a bad person?

Probably . . . but we still love you, Hanna (and so does Lucas .  . . and maybe that Caleb guy too).

Hanna’s family hits yet another rough patch, when the old biddy who Hanna’s mom took the “unauthorized loan” from inexplicably made an appointment to meet with Hanna’s mom.  And although Mommy Felon tried to put a brave face on things, you could tell she knew she was TOTALLY up Sh*t’s Creek, without a paddle . . .

“I am SO f&*ked!”

Later that day, Hanna gets notice from “A” that she can make some extra cash, by ratting Aria out to her mom.   The note comes with a ticket to the museum event Aria and Ezra will be attending.  Obviously, this is a TOTALLY crappy thing to do to your supposed best friend.  But, then again, letting your mom get 15-to-life for trying to pay your medical bills is also a kind of crappy thing to do. 

So, Hanna leaves the tickets in an envelope in Aria’s mom’s mailbox at school (apparently, she teaches there, who knew?).  However, immediately after making the delivery, Hanna has second thoughts.  So, she tries to put a stop to things, by convincing Aria not to go on the date.

Whatchu talkin’ about, Girl Who’s NOT Dating a Hot 20-Something?”

But that doesn’t work.  Then she tries to talk Aria’s mom out of going to the museum . . . but that doesn’t work either.  Finally, she tries to steal back the envelope, but ends up getting detention for skipping gym class.  (I’m glad SOMEONE noticed that one week, Hanna had a CAST on from being RUN OVER BYA CAR.  And the next, she was dancing with Lucas for SIX HOURS at a school event.) 

In detention, the seemingly omnipresent Caleb starts flirting with Hanna, hardcore . . .

“Hey Hanna, I may be a Bad Boy, but I’m Real Good in the Sack . . .”

As for Hanna, she’s either so desperately in love with Lucas that she doesn’t notice any other boys (YAY!), or she has NO game, whatsoever.  Because Hanna actually responds to Caleb’s flirtation by . . . wait for it . . . talking about how much she loves Justin Bieber.

Hanna’s got the Bieber Fever.  Side Effects:  Never getting laid . . . EVER!

(OK . . . now, I GET that ABC Family was trying to do a whole Cross Promotional Thing with the Bieber Documentary Movie, but this whole scene was just lame, with a capital “L.”)

And yet, Bieberery Slips aside, Hanna apparently still charms the pants off Caleb.  Because the dude actually goes out and BREAKSAria’s mom’s car, so she can’t get to the museum.  Now, how’s THAT for dedication?

Hanna, of course, offers to PAY Caleb for his trouble.  But he doesn’t seem to want any money.  He’d much prefer to get inside Hanna’s pants . . .

Don’t you worry about it, Lucas!  He’s a strong contender.  But we still think you can take him!

But what about Hanna’s mom, and the felony??  Well . . . the good news is we aren’t going to have to worry about that for a little while at least, until the Old Crone’s will finishes going through probate, which could take months.  The bad news is, this is because the “unauthorized lender” . . . DIED.

Tears of sadness, or tears of joy?  You be the judge.

The Part About Aria’s Parents — Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

“Hey, Aria’s mom!  Just because I recently got under the hood of one of my students (Sound familiar?), doesn’t mean I can’t still pop YOUR hood?”

So, remember when I told you that Caleb broke Aria’s mom’s car, so she couldn’t go to the museum opening?  Well, it turns out she REALLY wanted to go.  So much so, in fact, that she was willing to call her Cheating Louse of Husband to fix the damage, which, of course, he couldn’t.  The pair bicker a bit, and it’s supposed to be cute, I guess.  But it isn’t, because we don’t really care about Aria’s parents (no offense), and the actors playing them have no chemistry with one another, whatsoever.

Long story – short, Aria’s dad ends up driving Aria’s mom to the museum in his car, and they end up making out in the front seat.  (Apparently, the “Making Out in Cars” gene runs in this family.)  Since we didn’t see what happened after the two started necking (THANK THE LORD!), we can’t be too sure, whether Aria’s mom, in fact, SAW Aria and Ezra on their “date.”  And yet, Aria’s mom is acting MIGHTY weird, when she tells Aria they need to “talk” the following day at school .  . .

“Why does SHE get to make out with the hot guy, and I get the Wanker?  Damn you, Aria!”

Personally, I’m pretty sure Aria’s mom DIDN’T see Aria and Ezra.  I’m thinking she wants to tell her daughter that “Mommy and Daddy are getting back together.”  After all, thinking about someone’s life, other than her own, doesn’t exactly seem to be Aria’s mom’s strong suit.  Then again, I could be wrong . . .

Spencer’s Big Secret

When Spencer arrives home from school that day, she is surprised to find that Hot Jason (now wearing clothes, unfortunately) has let himself into her house.

Clearly, not much for small talk, Jason spills a wealth of information to Spencer, in just a few short moments.  Here’s what Jason tells Spencer:  (1) The picture she gave him of Ali is Real.  (2) Jason may have taken it himself.  (3) Jason can’t remember whether he took the picture or not, because he was drugged out of his gourd the entire month before Ali died.  (Fortunately, Jason doesn’t drugs, anymore . . . well, aside from the steroids of course.) (4) Creepy Ian was Jason’s good pal, and a fellow drug addict.  He often spent time at Jason (and Ali’s house), and was probably there the night Ali died.  (That last part, of course, we already knew.)

This last bit of information prompts Spencer to recall the fight she had with Ali the night of her death.

During the fight, Ali (who, unbeknownst to Spencer, was boning Ian, and probably just wanted him for herself) threatened Spencer that if she didn’t tell her sister that she (Spencer) and Ian had kissed, Ali would spill the beans for her.  This prompted Spencer to tell Ali that she was done being friends with her.  And eventually, if she had her way,  the other PLL’s would ditch her ass too.  “You are dead to me already,” concludes Spencer

This outburst prompts the normally unflappable Ali to storm out of the house, and Spencer to sneakily follow after her.  (See, some things NEVER change!)

In Real Time, the rest of the PLL’s confort Spencer, as she tells them about the fight, and admits that SHE was the second shadow in the photograph of Ali sent to them by “A.”  The girl’s are very supportive of Spencer, and tell her, that she has nothing to feel guilty about.  The love fest is interrupted, however, when the girls spy Hot-But-Now-Seeming-Kind-of-Creepy-Again Jason leering at them from a nearby window.

“Damn him!  Why is he STILL wearing his shirt!”

And that’s all I’ve got, My Pretties!  SO, now it’s your turn!  Feel free to sound off in the comment section, and tell me what you thought of tonight’s PLL installment.  I’ll even leave you with some questions to get those wheels turning: 

Do you think “Blind” Jenna is behind those ugly bracelets? 

Did Aria’s mom see Aria and Fitzy getting up close in personal in front of the museum?  Or is all of this just about Aria’s SUPER BORING Dad? 

Are you Team Lucas or Team Caleb?  (Notice I’m completely leaving out Team Sean.  Because that’s not even an option as far as I’m concerned?)

What the heck is up with Jason’s new bod?

And, finally, do you understand “The Bieb” as well as Hanna does?

See ya, next time . . .

[www.juliekushner.com]

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