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Sam and Quinn are adorable. But . . . what the Puck? – A Recap of Glee’s “Duets”

“Quinn, what the f*ck?  He’s not even a natural blonde!  At least with me, you already know what our babies will look like  . . . With him, it’s a total crap shoot.”

Let me start by saying that I ADORED this week’s episode of Glee.  Sure, before last night, I had never heard about 75% of the songs the cast performed.  (Who knew my lack of knowledge about Barbara Streisand, and 70’s musicals, would be such a handicap, when recapping a show about singing high schoolers!)  Yet, the episode was FUN, the performances – stellar, the dialogue — witty and realistic . . . well . . . at least about as realistic as dialogue on this show could get.

HOWEVER . . .  I had two BIG problems with “Duets.”  Here’s one . . .

“The horror!”

 . . . and here’s the other . . .

“This is SO uncool, man.”

For Puck’s part, his absence was explained away, early in the episode.  According to Mr. Schue, he’s in JUVIE.

Just don’t drop that soap, pal.  I hear those communal showers can be a little .  . . HARD.

Puck’s infraction?  Something having to do with a convenience store and ATM.  Unfortunately, I was too busy screaming, crying, and throwing my shoes at the television to really hear the explanation.

I REALLY should have forked over the extra cash for that warranty . . .

Now, as my mother calmly explained to me, as I proceeded to have a nervous breakdown to her over the phone, during one of the commercial  breaks, Puck’s temporary absence was necessary, plotwise, to enable the inevitable, Quinn / Samm (Quisamm?) relationship to blossom.

It starts with holding hands, it ends with holding *&$%s.

Besides, Mark Salling (who plays Puck) is busy finishing up and promoting his new album, Pipe DreamsSo, in all fairness, the guy is probably entitled to a day off or two.  But SUE?  Well, her absence was just inexcusable . . .

Glee staff writers, HOW,  I repeat, HOW could you create an episode that was both SUE-less AND PUCK-less?  Need I remind you, that this is the last episode before Glee enters a NOT ONE, but TWO-week hiatus?  Given that fact, this week’s TOTAL and COMPLETE lack of “Bad Boy” and “Bad Woman” was just majorly CRUEL!

See, you’ve gone and made Mr. Schue, CRY!  You should be ASHAMED OF YOURSELVES!

*takes a deep breath*

OK . . . I’m better now.  Let’s get on with the recap, shall we?

Meet Sam I Am (Gay?)

When the episode opens, Will begins glee club practice by making three anouncements.  The first concerns the absence of Puck .  . .

GRRRRRRRR!

The second involves the introduction of New Kid, Sam, to Glee Club.  Sam hails from an All Boys Boarding School . . . and all that implies.

Coincidentally, do you think all that “communal showering” Sam did back at board school can account for his OBVIOUS penchant for walking around HALF NAKED throughout most of this episode?

Not that I’m complaining . . .

So, anyway, Sam introduces himself to the Gleeks by making a VERY lame Green Eggs and Ham reference.

Said reference proved precisely TWO THINGS about this character.  (1) He can read up to at least first-grade level, putting him leaps and bounds above SOME other Glee club members . . .

“Sam I Am?  Brittany I am!”

 . . . and (2) just in case any of you out there thought this guy was “too cool” to be a Gleek, he’s DEFINITELY NOT!

While he is in front of the class, Chatty Cathies Kurt and Mercedes take this time to size up the “Fresh Meat.”

“He’s on Team Gay.  No straight boy dies his hair to look like Linda Evangelista circa 1993,” whispers Kurt knowingly.

Coincidentally, 1993 was probably also the year the Kurt character was BORN.  (Watch those pop culture references, Glee writers!)

And, yet . . . the kid DOES have a point . . .

For his third announcement, Mr. Schue announces that New Directions will be having a “Duet Competition.”  The winning pair is to receive a dinner for two at The Olive Garden Breadsticks . . .

 . . . a restaurant, whose big claim to fame is . . . you guessed it . . . All You Can Eat Breadsticks . . .

OK . . . Is anyone else REALLY hungry right now?

To Couple, or NOT To Couple

Within moments, we are treated to our first of many obligatory Shirtless Sam shots, when Kurt accosts the Newbie in the men’s locker room and practically demands to be his “duets” partner.

“*sings*Gimme a head with hair.  Long, beautiful dyed hair.  Shining, gleaming, streaming, flaxen, waxen . . . Oh . . . I’m sorry Kurt.  Were you trying to ask me something?”

He’s going to have to think about it . . .

Meanwhile, in Sort of/ Kind of Lesbi-land, Brittany and Santana are laying on Brittany’s bed and TOTALLY MACKING ON EACHOTHER! 

HOLY MACK-ERONI!

And, I mean, they are really going at it.  In fact, I haven’t seen this much girl-on-girl action in a show about high schoolers since . . .um . . . ever.

Observe the telltale Post-Sex Head.

Things seem to be going great for “Brittana,” what with Brittany cooing over “Sweet Lady Kisses,” and Santana making surprisingly naughty (especially for 8 p.m. on Fox) references to “scissoring.” 

But then, Brittany mentions the duet competition.  Suddenly, Santana halts the Massive Makeout Session, and gets all huffy.  (That’s NOT WHAT I MEANT!  Get your mind out of the gutter!) 

“I’m not making out with you because I want to  . . . sing about making lady babies.  It’s just that with Puck gone, I need to get my mack on,” scoffs Santana.

Poor Brittany looks totally crushed by her lover / bestie’s massive KISS OFF.  In fact, it’s probably a good thing she ISN’T a guy, otherwise she would TOTALLY have a pair of THESE right now . . .

Rather than lead Brittany on more than she already has, Santana opts instead for an unlikely duet partnership with Mercedes, since the two share such complementary voices and styles.  If you recall, these two ALREADY sang one duet to the song “The Boy is Mine” last season, back when both divas were battling for PUCK’S affections.  (See, it always comes BACK TO PUCK!  WE WANT PUCK!  WE WANT PUCK!)

Meanwhile, Finn badgers Kurt about ruining Sam’s reputation, by performing a duet with him.  Later, in one of their trademark touching scenes, Kurt’s dad (who seems to be recovering quite nicely from his heart attack, by the way) surprises Kurt, by calling him out for aggressively trying to “out” people who may not be ready to do so.

Kurt, in a surprising show of self-sacrifice, ultimately gives up the opportunity to partner with Sam, leaving the new kid and his INSANE abs free to pair up with Quinn.

Meanwhile, in the Oddest Pairing of the Century, Brittany starts dating Artie . . .

  . . . she does this despite the fact that, for while, she thought he was a robot . . .

“Before we duet, we are going to do it,” says Brittany, in her trademark emotionless deadpan.  

And with that, the Dumb Blonde lifts Artie up, and carries him to the same bed where she was macking on Santana, a few scenes ago.  And then they . . . ACTUALLY DO IT!

So, just in case you were keeping score, that makes our final couples for the Duet Competition:

(1) Rachel and Finn (duh!)

(2) Mike and Tina (double duh!)

(3) Mercedes and Santana

(4) Quinn and Puck Sam

(5) Brittany and Artie

(6) Kurt and . . . um .  . . Kurt

Let’s see how they did . . .

Rachel and Finn – Like Grease 2, only with Nuns . . .

It seems that the Glee writers have been reading our recaps, in which we all bitched and moaned about how utterly detestable Rachel has been since the beginning of this season.  Because this week, they had to go and make her a SAINT . . . well .  . . at least a nun.  (I wonder how long THAT’S going to last!)

It all started while Rachel and Finn were practicing their first choice of song for the duet’s competition, “Don’t Go Breaking My Heart” (originally performed by Elton John and Kiki Dee).

When it was all over, Rachel surprised Finn (and the ENTIRE VIEWING PUBLIC) by wondering if the performance was simply “too good.”

Self-absorbed, personal recognition-grubbing diva, say WHAT?

Apparently, some time between this episode and last, Rachel randomly decided that she is . . . SELFISH.

 So, she decides she wants to be a better person.  Being a better person apparently starts with improving the Glee Club’s moral.  And, in order to do this, she and Finn must THROW THE DUET COMPETITION!

“Clearly, the apocalypse has come to McKinley High.  I never should have eaten that Grilled Cheesus.”

Of course, I commend Rachel for her new found generosity.  And, yes, Iagree with her that, lately Glee New Directions has become “The Rachel Show,” so change was definitely needed.  However, I have to say, I was surprised by who Rachel selected to “win” the competition. 

Why the New Kid?  Wouldn’t it make sense for one of the more seasoned, and more frequently shafted Gleeks to get a chance to shine?  Like . . . say . . . MIKE CHANG . . .

Nevertheless, Finn and Rachel begin concocting their “evil” plot to foil the competition.  Suddenly, Rachel has an idea.

She randomly recalls how inferior Grease 2 was to the original Grease, and attributes that negative comparison to Grease 2’s poorly written songs.

Now, while I’ll admit that most of the songs in Grease 2 did, in fact, suck, I will ALWAYS love me some C-O-O-L-R-I-D-E-R!  Come on, tell me that was NOT classic!

And so, in a move that would make those guys from The Producers proud, Rachel and Finn decide on a performance that is so “offensive” they can’t possibly win.  The song they choose is called “With You I’m Born Again,” and it was originally sung by Billy Preston. 

Yes, it was bad.  But, honestly, at first, I didn’t really get what exactly everybody thought was so “offensive” about it.  And based on the message boards I perused after viewing the episode, many of you didn’t, either.  So, I did some research. 

As it turns out, “With You I’m Born Again,” is all about spiritual awakening through . . . sex.   So, yeah . . . a song about sex, sung by a nun and a priest, who can’t have ANY SEX . . . ever . . . well . . . I guess that could be construed as kind of offensive. 

Then again, wasn’t that what the ENTIRE Sister Act movie was about?

Tina and Mike – MIKE CHANG FINALLY SANG! . . . sort of.

Now, if you’ve read my Gleecaps before, you know I was particularly excited about this plotline.  After all, I’ve been giving Good Ole Mike Chang quite the hard time for failing to sing (or talk much) throughout the show’s entire first season.  But hey, I guess can complain no more!  After all, in his duet with Tina this week, Mike Chang had more “speaking” (and “singing”) lines than he had ALL FIRST SEASON combined . .

When we first visit Tina and Mike, we see that things haven’t been quite so rosy, since the couple left Asian Math Camp.

Mike’s awesome abs, notwithstanding.

You see, Mike’s really big into his culture.  And he shows this, by repeatedly taking Tina on dates for Dim Sum.  Did I mention that HIS MOM always comes along?

As if that wasn’t bad enough, Tina wants to do is just once eat a salad that doesn’t have Chicken Feet in it, and Mike wants to go to ASIAN COUPLES THERAPY?

“I bet I’m starting to look REALLY good now, aren’t I Tina.”

To further complicate matters, Mike, who can dance like a dream, REALLY CAN’T SING, which is ironic since GLEE CLUB is for SINGING PEOPLE.  And yet, Tina and Mike make this work to their advantage by performing their duet to song “Sing” from “Chorus Line.” 

During the song, Mike basically talks to music about how he can’t . . . sing . . . and Tina finishes his sentences.  Through it all Mike does an awesomely comic little dance.  In short, I loved it.

This almost makes up for an ENTIRE season of laziness, Mike . . . almost.  Just stop taking your mom on your dates, will ya?

Santana and Mercedes – Rockin the Tina Turner Tune

In terms of a recap, I really don’t have much more to say about this duet.  Santana and Mercedes rocked out to Tina Turner’s “River Deep, Mountain High,” another song I had never heard before this episode.  The song highlighted both girls’ vocal range extremely well.  But, of course, it was the duo’s sexy sassy dance that really made it their own.

By the way, does it bother anyone else that the Cheerios ALWAYS wear their uniforms? 

Sometimes when I see them, I feel like I’m watching some cartoon where the characters always wear the same thing — like Charlie Brown or The Simpsons. 

 That CAN’T be hygenic.  I mean seriously, how many versions of that leotard to those girls have.  Is it like Ronald McDonald, and those wacky suits he always wears?

Do you think that when you open up Brittany or Santana’s closet, and it’s just filled with Cheerios uniforms?   Finn and Puck are athletes, and you don’t see THEM wearing their smelly uniforms everyday. 

I just don’t get it . . .

Britt and Artie are SO NOT Lady and The Tramp

Remember that iconic scene from The Lady and the Tramp where the titular couple goes on their first date to the Italian restaurant, and they share that one strand of spaghetti?  And then Tramp pushes the last meatball with his nose over to Lady so she can eat it?

Come on!  Who of you out there DIDN’T hope to reenact that scene with your significant other one day?  Well, apparently Brittany was no different.  In fact, her dream was to win the duets competition, and take Artie to Breadsticks so they could “do it” together. 

But then Santana came along, and had to f&*k everything up.

She told Artie that Brittany was using him for his voice, and that the only thing he could get her that she didn’t already have was “super choice parking.”

(I’d put an “Oh Snap” here, if that line wasn’t so gosh darn offensive . . .)

Artie is understandably crushed.  After all, Brittany took his virginity for crying out loud.  He dumps her, and quickly drops out of the competition.  In a sad and pathetic, but still kinda funny final scene, we see Brittany eating at Breadsticks alone, pushing her meatball to NOBODY.  I guess that’s what you get for being such a TRAMP.  (pun intended).

Kurt and Kurt (and, later Kurt and Rachel)

If you recall, Kurt gave up Sam as a partner, leaving him with none.  So, Kurt decides to sing with the Glee club member he likes best . . . himself.  Kurt performs “Le Hot Jazz” from the play “Victor Victoria,” dressed in half drag. (Though admittedly the “girl” side looked more “Guy who REALLY  likes Makeup” than “Female.”  Maybe this is because, on Broadway, the song is typically performed a by a woman.)

Anyway, once Kurt starts singing, magically, all these professional dancers appear on stage to perform with him.  You know what I call that?  Cheating. 

Though, I have to admit, they did put on quite the show . . .

Toward the end of the episode, Lobotomized Nice Rachel approaches Kurt and lets him know that the rest of the Glee Club loves him.  She sweetly tells him that even though he is lonely, he isn’t alone. 

OK . . . that’s it . . . tell me what you’ve done with the REAL Rachel!

Together the pair sing a mashup of “Come on Get Happy” and “Happy Days” are here again.  Sources tell me, this same mashup was sung by Judy Garland and Barbara Streisand on network television some time back.  Whereever the song came from, it made me feel all warm and fuzzy inside.

And the winners are . . . Sam and Quinn

From the moment Quinn started washing that Slushee out of Sam’s hair, the chemistry between those two was pretty intense.  Things only got hotter when he tried to teach her how to play guitar by groping her and grazing her breasts with his hands delicately placing her fingers on the strings.  But when Sam tried to kiss Quinn, she FREAKED OUT.

Why?  Well clearly not because she’s a virgin . . .

Actually, Quinn had good reason to be tentative about jumping into a new relationship.  She has been through a lot this past season.   So, she was eager to return to just being a normal teenager / cheerleader / Mean Girl.  Quinn abruptly tells Sam she doesn’t want to sing with him, and takes off.

Later, with the matchmaking help of Rachel and Finn, the pair reconcile.  Together, they sing Jason Mraz and Colbie Caillat’s “Lucky.”  And, in the words of Santana, the performance is “so friggin charming,” it just had to win. 

Don’t believe me?  See for yourself.

So, off Sam and Quinn go to Olive Garden Breadsticks.

At dinner, Sam tries to “charm” Quinn by talking Navi . . .

“Dude, are you serious?  I speak fluent Navi, and even I know THAT doesn’t work.”

 . . . and doing a REALLY BAD Matthew McConaughey impersonation.

Hey LOOK!  It’s Linda Evangelista’s hair, circa 1993!  Now we know who Sam got the idea from!

Granted, this is the same guy who introduced himself to a group of high schoolers, by using a Dr. Seuss reference.  Can we really be surprised?  

Then Sam tells Quinn he has to confess something to her.  Of course, she immediately assumes, as Kurt did earlier in the episode, that Sam is on Team Gay.  He’s not.  Sam just wants her to know that he dyes his hair like Linda Evangelista.

Quinn is so overjoyed by this news, that she . . . MAKES SAM PAY FOR THE FREE MEAL THEY WON!

Ummmm .  . . how romantic?  Brattiness of that request aside, these two are cute together, and I truly wish them the best at least until Puck comes back.  But I couldn’t help but wonder, are those Breadsticks coupons still up for grabs, because I’m REALLY hungry!

[www.juliekushner.com]

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A Recap of Grey’s Anatomy’s “Sympathy for the Parents”- Brought to You By the Letter “B”

 

“I’ve got a Little McDreamy in me . . .”

Hey boys and girls!  This week’s episode of Grey’s Anatomy has been brought to you by the letter “B.” 

B is for . . .

Baby,

Bromance,

Brothers (who BEAT eachother up),

Bereavement,

Broken,

Banging (even though you are both hung up on other people), and

Bat-sh*t Crazy!

Let’s revisit, shall we?

Baby Talk (and Talk, and Talk, and Talk . . .)

Man, was there A LOT of talk about babies during this episode!  The Grey’s Anatomy writers certainly know how to take a “theme” and beat it to death, don’t they?  Let’s see .  . . BABIES . . .  Derek wants one . . .

and Meredith doesn’t (because she is afraid she will be a Bad Mommy), but then she changes her mind, and decides she wants one after all. . .

Callie ALSO wants one (and has been TALKING about it nonstop for about  FOUR episodes now, which is REALLY grating on my nerves), but Arizona still doesn’t.

 Bailey HAS one, but he seems to disappear and reappear at the writers’ convenience.

And Little Sloan, who I was REALLY REALLY hoping thought was gone for good, is HAVING one, right on McSteamy’s doorstep, at the episode’s conclusion.  Ummm . . . yeah, there’s not really much more I want to say on this topic.  Put a fork in it, Grey’s.  IT’S DONE!

The Bro-mantic Adventures of Mer and Karev . . .

Grey’s Anatomy has always been a show about relationships, with a little medicine thrown in for good measure.  Obviously, the relationships that receive the most screen time tend to be the romantic ones, like the relationship between Meredith and McDreamy.

On occasion, Grey’s will also treat us to platonic GIRL-friendships, like the relationship between Meredith and Christina.

But what often gets short shrift on this show are the bromances – those fist-bumping, noogie-giving, non-emotive grunting, platonic relationships between DUDES.  And THAT is what we got treated to during “Sympathy for the Parents.”  Yes, technically, Meredith is a GIRL, but her relationship with Alex Karev (which continues to be one of my favorite dynamics on the show) is much more bromantic than anything else. 

“So, how about those Yankees?”

Meredith and Karev relate to one another in that special monosyllabic way that only DUDES can.  Without a word exchanged, Karev knew that in order to resolve her inner turmoil about having kids, Meredith needed to be told that she was nothing like her mother.  Just as Karev needed to be told that HE was nothing like his father.  And when Karev’s brother appeared at Seattle Grace out of no where, and EVERYONE was prying into Karev’s home life, Meredith, Queen of the Dysfunctional Family Club, knew to stay out of his way.  In her own, quiet, and non-judgmental way, Meredith supported Karev throughout this episode,  subtly steering him toward the betterment of his relationship with his estranged brother.

Brotherly Love and Bizarre Belly Buttons

That is NOT a weiner . . .

By far, the best and most intriguing storyline of the evening went to Resident Badass Hottie, Alex Karev.

Mmmmmmmmmmm .  . . yummy!

Who knew he had a cute younger brother and a sister, both of whom he hadn’t seen in seven years?  Who knew he was a foster kid, with an abusive dad and mentally ill mom?  Who knew he spent some time in juvie for stealing food, because his family was starving?  When Alex’s younger brother, Aaron, arrives on the scene, with an umbilical hernia that requires surgery, and no health insurance to boot, all of these little known facts rise to the surface.  And yet, Alex still managed to become a doctor and send checks home to his family every month.  In the words of Miranda Bailey, “I am impressed” (and a little turned on).

Playing the part of Alex’s blue collar baby bro, Jake McLaughlin did a fabulous job of making his character instantly likeable and relatable.  He somehow managed to be both farm-boy polite and intensely masculine, at the same time.  When Christina called Aaron “Angel Spawn” to Karev’s “Evil Spawn,” you, as the viewer, totally understood why.

Alex, of course, was none too happy with his Baby Bro for sharing all of this information with his colleagues.  Aaron, for his part, was extremely hurt to learn that Alex  (1) had gotten married and NOT invited his family to the wedding; (2)  had a wife with cancer; and (3) was getting a divorce.  The two manly men threw down, right in the middle of Seattle Grace.  And I know we were supposed to be upset and saddened by this.  But I LOVE a good boyfight (so sexy), and cheered in spite of myself.

Fortunately, Aaron’s surgery goes off without a hitch.  And the two brothers ultimately bond with one another, as Alex explains that he needs to stay away from his family in order to continue to support them financially.  In a super sweet moment that nearly brought a tear to my eye, Alex told Aaron that Little Bro had turned out to be a “good guy.”  Awwww  . . .

Bereavement sucks . . .

In the chief medical storyline of the evening, a wife with cancer suffered a stroke that left her in a vegetative state, following surgery.  Because she had signed a DNR-type document, Seattle Gracers were forced to pull the plug on this woman, against the wishes of her husband, who refused to accept her death.  The whole thing was pretty heartbreaking and intensely hard to watch.  So as not to further depress myself, that’s all I’m going to say about that . . .

Broken People Suck Too . . .

When Arizona described Owen as a mopey guy who never smiled, she WASN’T kidding.  Owen Hunt spent all of last week’s episode miserable, and all, but about two seconds, of this one (Dude DOES seem to enjoy cooking . . .:)) in the same sorry state.  Don’t get me wrong, Kevin McKidd is giving spectularly complex performances week after week.  But the writers REALLY NEED to slip some Happy Pills into this character’s coffee, pronto!

When the episode opens, Owen is all distracted, mopey and PTSD-y, after last week’s traumatic war flashback revisit.  However, he refuses to talk to Christina about it and balks at the idea of returning to therapy.  Teddy, who can sort of relate to what Owen is going through, having worked on the battle field herself, desperately wants to help Owen, but fears intruding on his relationship with Christina.  When Christina makes a mistake during surgery, and Owen freaks out on her, Teddy advises Christina not to demand too much from Owen at this time.

Later, when Owen becomes angered over a cooking mishap, and Christina instinctively shrinks from him in fear, Owen finally admits he has a problem and agrees to get help.

Banging a.k.a. “Pounding the Cake”

Sloan and Teddy had some sex during this episode.  They repeatedly described it as “mindblowing,” but it kinda looked lukewarm to me.  I just don’t see the chemistry between these two.  Plus, it’s OBVIOUS that Teddy still has the hots for Owen.  And McSteamy remains hung up on Lexie.  In other (more important) news, I learned a kickass new euphemism for sex.

“Pounding the cake” . . . I just KNOW this one is going to come in handy one day (possibly during next week’s recap?)

Welcome to Bat-Sh&t Crazytown – Population: April

“I refuse to be ignored, McDreamy.”

OK, so I found April’s behavior during this episode to be completely bizarre.  Apparently, many of you felt the same way, because my blog was  just crawling with “April and Derek” searches, even before I posted this blog entry (and even before I had watched this episode).  Let’s see: there were those eerily creepy wide-eyed stares she gave him every time he passed her way, the evil looks she shot Meredith, whenever the latter and Derek were acting lovey-dovey, the abrupt way she left the room in tears after Derek’s speech to the comatose patient’s husband, and her overly defensive response to Lexie when she was called out on her “crush.”

Now, if this was any other show, my first guess as to what was going on here would be that the Mean Ole Sort-of Married Doctor is having a forbidden affair with his young resident.  But I don’t think this is the case here.   After all, Shondra Rhimes KNOWS that if she makes Derek into a cheater after ALL this time (with a former MERCY WESTER no less), “Mer and Der” shippers will literally burn down her house!

The next, most logical, explanation would be that April’s character is merely in the throes of innocent puppy love.  In such case, the bizarro creepiness element to it all, would be merely the result of bad over-acting.  However, I am already familiar with Sarah Drew’s work.  And I happen to know that this actress is a Total Pro when it comes to subtly portraying the agony of unrequited love.  I watched her do it during teen drama, Everwood, where she played the shy and bookish Hannah, who was suffering from a crush on a boy that she was certain was miles out of her league . . .

And she pulled it off again on Mad Men, as a wife who knows in her heart that she is married to a closeted homosexual, who will never return her romantic affections . . .

Nope.  My guess is that Sarah Drew’s bizarre portrayal of April during this episode was intentional.  After all, this wouldn’t be the first time, the actress has played the role of a creepy obsessed psycho stalker.  Anyone else remember her guest-starring role in Glee as the Bat Sh*t Crazy, Teacher Devouring, Susie Pepper?

Something tells me that THIS storyline is FAR from over . . .

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