When I was little, my dad used to love watching WWF Wrestling. I never got the appeal, personally. The fat ugly guys dressed in weird costumes . . . the fake fights . . . the ridiculously badly written skits the various fighters would be forced to act out prior to each match . . . the fact that every match began with a pre-ordained Designated Loser, thereby taking all the intrigue and guesswork out of the entire viewing experience.
One thing I did enjoy about WWF Wrestling was the announcer . . . and how, before every match, he’d say in this booming voice, “Let’s get ready to RUMBLLLLLLLLLLLLLLEEEEEE,” always carrying out the last syllable of the word “rumble” for as long as humanly possible.
Now, that guy was awesome! In fact, I spent a good portion of my childhood, trying to be That Guy. So much so, that I’d been known to run around my house repeating those words, ad nauseam. “Are you ready to rumblllle? Are you ready to rummblllllleee? Are you ready to rumbllllllle?”
In case you haven’t guessed it by now, I was kind of an annoying kid . . .
In WWF Wrestling, every once in a while, they’d have these events called Cage Matches, where pretty much the entire cast . . . Good Guys, Bad Guys, and Designated Losers . . . would get thrown into the ring at the same time. Sometimes a few of the fighters would form alliances with one another . . . good guys versus bad . . . plotting, strategizing, taking turns at fighting, so as not to tire themselves out.
But most of the time they all just beat the crap out of one another, with no rhyme or reason at all . . .
“Lunar Ellipse” kind of reminded me of one of those Cage Matches.
In a season that contained more villains than any one preceding it, this week’s finale had the unenviable task of deciding what to do with them all. Putting them in the same room, and letting them beat the crap out of one another, must have seemed like the most logical solution . . .
This is not to say it was a bad episode. It wasn’t . . . at all. “Lunar Ellipse” offered a ton of action, some solid fight scenes, and a neat little conclusion, which, while providing the kind of closure fans need going into a four-month hiatus, also paved the way for some intriguing future story lines. I just suspect that the episode appealed a lot more to people who are fans of say . . . WWF Wrestling, than fans like me . . . who spent half the length of her last recap dissecting a 15-second long kiss between Stiles and Lydia . . .
which this episode never mentioned, by the way. It was almost as if it never happened . . .
[Of course, I must thank my good pal Andre for working tirelessly each week to provide me, and the five people who read this, a collection of some of the best Teen Wolf screencaps you’ll find on the internet. And I can say that, without being conceited, because I have no hand in their creation, whatsoever. You rock, Andre. And I’d totally want you at my side, if I ever found myself in a cage match . . .]
And so, without further adieu, “Let’s get ready to RUMMMMMMBBBBBBBLLLLLLLLLEEEE!”
The Wet Nap
When we last left our heroes, Stiles, Scott and Allison had decided to cope with the prospective loss of their parental units by taking baths.
This, coincidentally, is the solution Trusty Veterinarian Deaton suggests for all all major problems on this show. It’s his deus ex bath-shina. Then again, maybe he’s just really into hygiene.
When the episode opens, the threesome awaken, surprised to find that their bathtubs have been moved to some random empty office building with a big ole tree stump in the center. Basically, this whole scene can serve as a PSA for the dangers of smoking too much weed, before taking your deus ex bath-shina.
Sorry . . . I just couldn’t help myself.
Stiles, Scott and Allison each touch the tree, triggering their memories of the time they first encountered it, which, coincidentally, happened to all three of them on the same night.
Of course, I’m referring to the night from the pilot episode. You know, the one where Scott and Stiles went out into the woods in search of a dead body, the night before the first day of school. Then, Scott ended up getting bitten by Werewolf Peter Hale AND almost hit by a car driven by Allison Argent’s mom.
“Why do I look significantly older than everyone else? Oh yeah . . . because my scene wasn’t shot three years ago.”
“I love you Allisssssssssoooooooooon!”
You all recall seeing a big fat tree stump in that scene, don’t you?
No? Well, that, my friends, is what we in The Biz ”
(I’m not really in The Biz. Being in The Biz would require me to actually get paid for doing this.) call RET-CON.
(I do, however, remember Scott almost getting hit by a car. And I’m intrigued by the notion that Davis always planned to have the Argents play the role of Hit-and-Runners. If so, that was some pretty crafty story boarding on his part. If not . . .)
Upon waking up back in Deaton’s office, the kids learn they’ve been snoozing in their bathtubs for SIXTEEN HOURS! SIXTEEN HOURS . . . that’s almost an entire day! I thought they’d be more, you know, brain dead, from lack of oxygen . . . or at least a little pruney.
Before . . .
After . . .
Actually, the whole “out for 16 hours” conceit really seems like nothing more than a plot-manufactured time jump to get us closer to the time when the Lunar Eclipse is meant to occur. I mean, don’t get me wrong, I loved the way the Surrogate Sacrifices concept was portrayed in the last few moments of Alpha Pact, and the opening moments of this episode. It was poignant, visually appealing, and compellingly morbid. I adored how each hero carried a totem of his or her parent into the water, and how Stiles, Allison and Scott each literally put their lives in the hands of someone they cared about. It was all very Inception-esque. . . in a good way.
But there was one teensy tiny problem with this whole design . . . THERE WERE NO ACTUAL SACRIFICES!!!!
By temporarily suiciding themselves in bathtubs, Stiles, Scott and Allison did not, as was initially suggested, free their parents from the Darach’s clutches. Instead, it just made them into Human GPS’s for a big ole’ tree stump that, honesty, didn’t look all that hard to find in the first place.
And since I’m nitpicking, what exactly did Isaac, Deaton and Lydia do for those sixteen hours, while their friends were “dead?” Sleep? Pray? Marathon the entire first two seasons of Teen Wolf? (Without commercials, of course.)
I’m just saying there were probably at least one or two more efficient ways the Scooby Gang could have spent their time, during the last sixteen hours before the Druid Apocalypse, than Bath Time with Rubber Duckie . . .
“Couldn’t you have put an alarm clock in there or something?”
Also sleeping on the job, since last week? Der Bear.
We find him in his loft, being lovingly coddled by a no-longer-spewing-black-goo Cora. Meanwhile, Peter Hale screams at him to hurry up and actually do something heroic, and/or run and hide under a table from that wacky lady with foot fungus, who seems intent on murdering them all . . . whichever he prefers . . .
Hiding under the table is looking like a more attractive option, by the minute . . .
Breaking and Entering
Back at the Vet’s office, Ethan . . .
. . . pops by to see Lydia. And I’m wondering how he knew she was there. Is her scent so strong that it could be tracked after sixteen hours? That’s a LOT of perfume . . .
DEATON: “Why is he here? I thought you were dating the other one?”
LYDIA: “Beats me. I’ve been screwing the guy for months, and I still can’t tell the two of them apart.”
Perhaps, he popped by her mom’s house, and asked if the red-headed teen could come out to play. Then, Mama Martin replied, “I’m sorry Sexy Teen. Lydia isn’t home. In fact, she hasn’t been home for over 24 hours. Last I checked, she went to visit that creepy veterinarian at his office, after hours. Hmmm . . . I wonder if I should be concerned for her well-being. Probably not. I mean I did her hair this morning, and she looked so cute. Girls with cute hair NEVER get murdered by creepy veterinarians who have no friends their own age, right?”
Lydia and Ethan head to Chez Derek to confirm for him, what he pretty much already knows . . . that Kali Toe Jam is coming to his house to kill him.
So, now would be a good time to run screaming like a little girl. Lydia helpfully notes using her Banshee-Spidey Senses that she feels like she’s standing on a graveyard, which the Hales immediately take to mean that if Derek stays at home he’ll die there. But, I don’t know . . . didn’t Boyd die in Derek’s house?
Back in “Scott-Land,” McCall and Co. are skipping around to their various homes, so that the wolf can smell Allison’s and Stiles’ dad’s personal items, and “follow his nose” to the Darach’s lair.
“Don’t worry Stiles. I won’t mistake your underwear for your dad’s. I’ve sniffed your boxers before. They have a very distinct scent . . . particularly after lacrosse practice.”
Wait . . . what? Don’t they know where the parents are already? Isn’t that what the 16-hour wet dream was for? Is there a plot specific purpose for Scott’s inexplicable desire to sniff Chris Argent’s boxers?
Oh . . . now I get it . . . they had to run back to Allison’s house, so that they could have a run-in with This Guy . . .
. . . a.k.a. FBI Douche . . . a.k.a. Scott’s Dad . . .
ALLISON: “Is that what you are going to look like in 25 years? Because I could live with that.”
ISAAC: “Me too. He’s kind of a DILF.”
How did he get in? I hope he has a warrant. Nevermind. This is Beacon Hills we are talking about here. The only laws that matter here, are the Laws of the Jungle . . .
How many Alpha Males do you know that let girls fight their battles for them?
So, Derek goes to hide under a rock somewhere, leaving Lydia and Ethan to house sit for him. (You know, because he has so much expensive furniture for people to steal.)
“I’ll slay you with my snide comments about your poor personal hygiene, and uninspired fashion sense.”
A few seconds later, that car alarm Derek installed in his wall, goes off, and in comes Kali Feet-for-Brains . . .
“Bored now . . .”
. . . along with Aiden . . .
Aiden starts off fighting at Kali’s side. But his alliance shifts quickly when Kali starts talking smack on his showmance girlfriend Lydia. Do I smell a Character Rehabilitation?
“Smells like Jackson’s replacement.”
Something is missing from this little party. What can it be? Oh, wait, I know . . . an Evil Druid in tight leather pants!
That’s better. Now, we can REALLY have some fun . . .
Cue the 80’s Video Game Theme Music. It’s time for a Girl Fight!
Now, as much as I usually snooze through extended battle scenes, I have to say, this one is pretty awesome. There is something elegant, and almost graceful about the well choreographed way Jenny the Darach and Kali attempt to kick one another’s asses.
“Let’s put our heads together and strategize.”
“Not so fast, Siamese Lunkhead Twins.”
(I guess they should have merged by Aiden fisting Ethan, like they did last time . . . These guys brains are clearly not their strongest organs.)
And then, all of the sudden, they stop fighting, and the music gets all cheesy and romantic. Jenny is talking about how much prettier she is, now that she has her Magic Coochie, and doesn’t have to look like Lord Voldemort 24-7. Then she starts levitating, while Kali gazes at her lovingly. And I’m thinking, if this were another show, these two chicks would make for some really hot lesbians . . .
Then, Jenny throws some glass from the ceiling in Kali’s face, and she dies instantly.
Wait . . . WHAT? Did I miss something?
Please tell me that Jenny Darach didn’t murder virgins, soldiers, philosophers, and countless birds, just so that she’d have enough strength to shove a one-inch thick shard in someone’s face.
Should have worn these . . . could have saved her life.
I’ve seen carpenter ants that are harder to kill than Kali . . .
Anyway, nice knowing ya, Wolf Girl. I hope they find a coffin for you that’s large enough to fit your massively long toe nails . . .
Worry not, Lydia. It’s Shrek to the rescue!
. . . or . . . maybe not.
You know that old adage about always wearing clean underwear, so that, if you die, you don’t have to be embarrassed about the state of your skivvies? Well, I’m pretty sure the same goes for wearing YOUR OWN PAIR OF PANTS . . .
Sensitive chick that she is, Jenny Darach tries to cheer up a bereft Lydia, by quoting, the always Hilarious Coach Crackhead . . .
“The bigger they are . . .
the harder they fall the bigger they are . . . indeed.
Where there’s smoke, there’s a screamer.
Boys and their toys . . .
Allison cleverly uses her impressive knowledge of advanced artillery to mesmerize Scott’s dad, before gassing him with a grenade, and using the diversion she created to escape with her harem of wolf men . . .
“And this weapon is what I like to call a Big Ole Can of Whoop Ass.”
Elsewhere in town, an abnormally thick fog causes Stiles to get into a car accident, and Lydia screams . . . though the two events aren’t necessarily related.
Derek hears Lydia scream, and decides to return to town, which kind of seems counter intuitive to me. Correct me if I’m wrong, but wasn’t Derek running away like a little wussy, BECAUSE Lydia sensed death?
And since she’s a banshee, isn’t Lydia’s scream supposed to signify that someone’s death is imminent . . . someone like Derek?
Do they not teach logic in Werewolf School?
View to a Death
All over Beacon Hills, heroes and villains are preparing for their battle royale. Allison and Isaac FINALLY find that damn root cellar, where all the parents are being held . . .
Scott reluctantly agrees to join forces with Deucalion against the Darach.
Derek inexplicably links himself with Jenny once again. (That must be one SERIOUSLY POWERFUL Magic Coochie.)
And Stiles . . . Stiles? Bueller?
Back in La Casa de Ineffective Alpha, Cora and Lydia watch Shrek morph back into two teenage boys, each with their own pair of pants.
“These two are so much more likeable when they are unconscious.”
They decide to bring the pair to Vet Deaton. Maybe he’ll make them take a bath, like he does with everyone else . . .
And then, because this episode hasn’t satisfied its product placement quote, Scott sends the Evil Darach a message on her Android phone . . . you know, because villains use Androids and heroes use iPhones, just saying . . .
“Is he for real with this sh*t?”
Who’s Your Alpha?
It’s fitting that the final Cage Match between all our characters occurs right under the revenge sign Ennis made, back in “Visionary.” The Same Vengeance Sign that led to Gerard blinding Deucalion, which led to Deucalion creating his Alpha Pack, which led to his Alpha Pack killing their emissaries, which led to Kali not-quite killing Julia Baccaria / Jennifer Blake. This was the Vengeance Sign that started everything. And it would be a great place for everything to end, except for the fact that Scott and Derek are both under the delusion that being a “Good Guy” means having to be a “Doofus.” But we’ll get to that soon enough . . .
Anyway, our chance to see Death -Destroyer-of-Worlds Deucalion’s Alpha Form has finally arrived. Let’s take a look, shall we?
Interesting . . . he’s kind of like a cross between an Evil Cyborg . . .
. . . and a Smurf.
Or, maybe like a blue version of Jim Carrey’s character in The Mask.
Sure, Peter’s Gorilla-Alpha, and Jackson’s Kanaima were scarier. But Demon Wolf gets points for making a fashion statement. Blue is, after all, the new black. Smurf-Borg does to a pretty good job of kicking Jenny the Darach’s ass . . . at least until Scott creates a familiar diversion . . .
Annnnnnnd then comes the Lunar Eclipse.
Welcome back, Lord Voldemortette. We’ve missed you!
“Wait . . . let’s talk about this Jenny the Darach. Before you kill Deucalion, don’t you want him to see how ugly you look in the morning without your makeup on,” Derek offers hopefully.
Come on, Jenny. You’ve been a fairly intelligent villain up until now. You aren’t going to fall for this one, are you?
But she does! Perhaps, the Lunar Eclipse not only deprives werewolves of their powers, it also makes television characters into morons. Knowing that she only has 15 minutes to kill the guy she’s been waiting eagerly to kill since 2002, Jenny the Darach suddenly decides that it’s more important to (1) fix his eyesight, so that he can WATCH her kill him, and (2) play pattycake with Derek!
Villains the world over, are hanging their heads in shame . . .
I like how the writers analogized Derek’s endurance of his Stage-Five-Clinger Girlfriend’s ineffective punches to his human form, to Derek’s endurance of his errant werewolf children’s scratches, back when they went all rabid batty, early on in the season . . .
Then, the Lunar Eclipse is over, and everyone’s back to Werewolf Cage Fighting . . . except for Jenny, who has a meme to share with all of you.
“I know you like cages, so I put a cage in your cage,” she says.
And I bet you’ll never guess what that cage is made out of? That’s right!
This annoying ass brown dirt is fast becoming a lead character on this show. It’s the deus ex dirtshina.
Now, Scott is miming again. Get it? He’s the man outside the box. We’ve been here before . . .
Jenny calmly tells him he should probably be thinking more about saving the parents, who are stuck underground in an avalanche, than putting on a show. But Scott will not be deterred from his performance. Besides, he knows that, as per usual, “his pack” will do all the dirty work of saving lives, while he pops bubbles with his mind . . .
That’s right. It’s Stiles . . . in the root cellar . . . with his trusty bat. How’s that for an answer in the game of Clue.
(P.S. I’m so glad he didn’t die in that car accident. I hope the massive head injuries he suffered from his airbag not deploying have no long-term impact.)
Speaking of not-dead, Deaton puts gas masks on the Alpha Twins, and they magically come back to life. You know, because gas masks heal broken necks all the time!
I’m teasing Mr. D. In all seriousness, I’m proud of the guy. At least he didn’t throw the twins in an ice bath, this time . . .
Back in the Cage Fight, “True Alpha” Scott finally pops that pesky bubble.
And Deucalion easily dispenses with Jenny Darach, by gently nipping at her neck with his nails. That’s embarrassing . . .
Surely, Scott and Derek are going to kill the Son of a B*tch now aren’t they?
NO? NOOOOO??? They are going to let the guy live, because they heard that one time, back in 2002, for a few days, he was a nice guy?
“I’m a moron.”
HE IS RESPONSIBLE FOR THE DEATHS OF AT LEAST THREE PACKS OF WOLVES!!!!! AND THOSE ARE THE ONES WE KNOW ABOUT! HE TRIED TO MANIPULATE SCOTT AND DEREK TO KILL EVERYONE THEY CARE ABOUT, AND VERY NEARLY SUCCEEDED. AND THEY ARE JUST GOING TO LET HIM GO? JUST BECAUSE?
“See ya in Season 3B, SUCKERS!”
I’m kind of relieved this season is over. This show increases my blood pressure . . .
Back at the Argent house, Allison has chosen a new credo for the Werewolf Hunters, “We help those who can’t help themselves.”
Nice right? Except, the old credo: “Only kill werewolves that murder innocent humans,” was pretty nice too. The problem was that NOBODY FOLLOWED THE CREDO, EXCEPT CHRIS ARGENT.
Here’s hoping the Argent’s improve their reading comprehension in Season 3B . . .
At school, everything seems to have gone back to normal, except everyone seems to have coupled off. And Scott and Stiles have to pretend they don’t care that they are the only two people out of their entire group of friends, who aren’t getting laid . . .
Also, Derek left town with Cora . . . a major plot development that will probably last until about 10 minutes into Season 3B.
. . . which brings us to our final scene, and it’s flashback . . . to about ten minutes ago in the episode.
Jenny Darach is ALLLLIIIIIIIIVE! She’s crawling to her precious Nemeton . . . hoping it will save her a second time.
But Magic Tree is having NONE of Magic Coochie. Not when she had this great chance at World Domination and blew it so royally. Nahh, Nemeton is going to grant its power to a WINNER this time around. A winner like THIS GUY . . .
And that’s all she wrote folks. Thanks for sharing Teen Wolf with me this summer. It’s truly been a blast. See you January 6th!