Tag Archives: Karofsky and Kurt

Nice Knowing Ya’ CLOSET! – A Recap of Glee’s “I Kissed a Girl”

Greetings Gleeks!  You know one of the benefits of writing a late Gleecap, as I’m often inclined to do, is having the hindsight of having already read a few message boards on the subject.  And boy, did this episode make a whole lot of people angry, for a variety of reasons . . .

Some of you were put off by how the writers handled Finn’s outing of Santana.

Others were frustrated by the sheer lack of Brittana, throughout the hour, thereby making the title of this episode, somewhat of a misnomer . . . if you catch my drift.

Still others of you were annoyed at how the episode brushed off Santana’s actual coming out to her parents.

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And, finally, a whole boatload of you were TOTALLY GROSSED out by the Puck / Quinn / Shelby storyline.

But, hey, at least it’s not half as bad as Puck’s storylines with that Lauren Zizes chick.  Right?  RIGHT??

Who knew a show about singing and dancing high schoolers could be so divisive?  Let’s Gleecap, shall we?

The Slap Heard Round the World School

Last week’s Gleeky installment ended with Santana (or, according to her, her alter ego, “Snicks”) clocking Finn (a.k.a. Fetus Face, a.k.a. Hamburglar) in the face for inadvertently outing her to all of Lima, Ohio.

I know I posted it before, but it bears repeating . . . 😉 

This week, Santana’s facing down suspension, not to mention a big fat “NO” to competing in Sectionals.  Finn shocks his erstwhile nemesis by claiming the entire slapping debacle to be nothing more than a little impromptu acting.

Apparently, Finn is a much better actor than he is a dancer  . . .

“It was fake.  HAHA!  Just kidding!  LOL and such!” He says, though his face currently bears a big red handprint on it, with the words “Santana was here, B*TCHES,” written in a mixture blood and lipstick across his cheek.”  (Not really . . . but there should have been.)

No one’s more shocked by this than Santana, herself.  So, she confronts Finn outside the principal’s office to slap him again, only this time in the ass find out what sort of evil plan he has up his sleeve.  Now, here’s where things got a bit messy in the Glee fandom . . .

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Finn says a whole lot of pretty schmoopy stuff to Santana, about why he’s so intent on helping her more fully “de-closet herself.”  He says SO MUCH schmoopy stuff in fact, that part of me kept waiting for the DRAMATIC BUT SAD violin to provide backup music for his speech.

Unfortunately, Violin is still in the closet, but only because no one has outed her yet.  Finn?

He tells her she’s awesome . . . and that by hiding her Gay, she’s hiding some of her awesomeness, right along with it.  It also makes her act like a bit of a tool.  Finn also claims that he cares about Santana deeply, since her’s was the first bun to accept his hot dog . . .

Finally,  he claims he doesn’t want her to kill herself, like the kid he recently read about in the news.  But through all these sweet,  if slightly patronizing, words, Finn fails to say the one thing Santana fans really want to hear: I’M SORRY I OUTED YOU, BEFORE YOU WERE READY TO COME OUT ON YOUR OWN.

DOH! 

Because, the fact remains that the REAL reason Santana has to come out of the closet now is because Finn THREW her out of it, albeit inadvertently so.  Therefore, whether Finn believes that Santana SHOULD come out of the closet,  is really beside the point.  By not apologizing to Santana for what he did, it could be argued that Finn feels justified in outing her, simply because the ends satisfy the means.  If this wasn’t the writers’ intention, they probably should have shown a bit less Preachy McPreacherson, and a bit more remorse, from our male lead .  . .

Going Girly . . .

The next step in Finn’s Let’s Blow Up Santana’s Closet plan is to have both the New Directions kids and the Troubletones sing what he terms “Lady Music,” i.e. songs by girls, about girls.  Finn hopes that this will show Santana just how much support she has from her Glee social circle.

First up to sing are Kurt and Blaine, who launch into a slightly subdued version of Pink’s “Perfect.”  It was a sweet rendition.  Though, I must admit, I found myself a bit distracted during it by Kurt’s bizarre HALF sweater.

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Specifically, I couldn’t help but wonder whether Blaine might have ripped the other half off of him, during . . . ahem . . . rehearsal.

Then, of course, there was Santana’s reaction . . .

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Awww, Santana!  Kurt SACRIFICED A HIDEOUSLY UGLY SWEATER for YOU!  Show some respect!

You can check out the entire performance of “Perfect” here:

Meanwhile . . .

Puck Gets Lucky . . .

Puck’s Lady Song is “I’m the Only One,” by Melissa Etheridge.  Like many of Puck’s solos,  this song is well-suited for the character’s gravelly sex voice, preference for guitar accompaniment, sheer love of repeated pelvis grinding, and overwhelming desire to dedicate whatever song he sings to his current love interest / conquest.  Everytime I watch Puck do one of these songs, I worry that he might impregnate me through the television screen . . .

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As many of you know, I’m a HUGE Puck fan.  So, of course, I enjoyed this performance.  I did have two complaints, however.  (1) Puck’s shameless eyef*cking of Shelby came across as a bit creepy to me .  . . I’m not quite sure why.

(2) At some point, during the past two weeks, Puck’s Mohawk seems to have morphed into a furry woodland creature, named Spanks.

Keeping a  furry woodland creature on your head, during the act of eyesex constitutes animal cruelty, in my book . . .

Animal cruelty aside, Shelby calls Puck during school, when Baby Beth falls and cuts her lip open.  Puck successfully takes charge of the situation.  And, as a reward, wins SEX.  HOORAY!

How convenient of Shelby to wait until Puck had already “helped her” in more ways than one, to decide, “this is immoral .  . . We can’t do this.”  On second thought, maybe what Shelby did was kind.  After all, at least Puck won’t have to worry about these .  . .

 . . . unlike, say, somebody else  we know at McKinley High who has to wear them ALL THE TIME .  . .

Prior to this, Quinn had, more or less, offered Puck “sure thing sex.”  But Puck, shockingly enough, turned her down because . . .  well, because she’s been a wackadoo, baby stealing, ASSHAT, for pretty much, this entire season  .  . . THAT’S WHY.  Actually, I believe his words were, “I’d rather raw dog a beehive.”  Now, THAT’S something I’d like to see . . .

All that aside, since he’s a 29 year old  teenager with Super Sex Stamina, who still has a few rounds left in him, after his one-time romp with Rachel’s bio mom (ICK!), after being rejected by Shelby, Quackers Quinn starts to look pretty darn tasty . . .

“Try no to be too alarmed, if I yell out the name “Shelby” during our Big Moment . . . um . . . it’s my dog’s name.  Yeah, that’s it!” 

Hate Sex is hot, isn’t it?  Unless, of course, you lack a condom, and your sperm have already shown themselves to be expert swimmers . . .

“Not to worry,” says Quinn (more or less), “teen pregnancy is awesome.  And I would know .  . .”

Apparently, Quinn has given up the notion of stealing Beth from Shelby, because .  . . wait for it . . . she’s decided to make another Baby.

Seriously?   Someone get this girl a strait-jacket, PLEASE!

 Fortunately, for Quinn (and us), Puck doesn’t want to play these baby-making games.  He tells her how lost she’s become, since her first baby.  And yet he knows, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that she will safely escape the HELL that is Lima, and go on to do something great with her life like marry a billionaire and/or make a famous sex tape that earns her a reality TV show, and millions of dollars in endorsements.  Clearly, this is precisely what Quinn needed to hear.  And, for about two seconds, all seems good with the world.

So, why then, did Puck feel the need to poop on all that progress,  by confessing his affair with Shelby to Quinn.

Personally, I think Spanks made him do it.  DAMN YOU, SPANKS!

Elsewhere, in SueTown . . .

Everybody Loves Cooter . . .

“Why would someone assume I’m a friend of Ellen just because I’m mannish and highly aggressive and have short hair and I only wear track suits and I coach a girl’s sport and I married myself? It just doesn’t make sense.” Sue writes in her faithful diary, during one of the funniest bits of dialogue, in the entire episode . . .

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Did you know Sue has a Black Booty Call book, that’s annotated with helpful reminders of certain celebrities’ prowess between the sheets?  Personally, I’m hoping Fox decides to sell this one on Ebay.  Surely, many of us fellow star-screwers can benefit from knowing that Dan Quayle is “too needy,” Matt Lauer is “a crier,” and Oliver North is “a biter.”

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Of course, for the present, Sue only has one man in mind to help her combat gay rumors, and win the congressional election.  And that man’s name start’s with a “C” and is a derogatory name for a woman’s body part.  (NO!  Not THAT name . . . the other one . . . Callalily.  (Just kidding.  It’s Cooter.)

“But wait!”  You say.  “Unacceptable!  He belongs to the Beiste!”

Well, that’s what she thought too . . . until she was picking up her usual chickeny dinner (I thought Breadsticks delivered?) . . . and ran into the Old Coot on a date with a certain Congressional Candidate.  Poor Beiste is devastated.  And, what’s worse, Cooter admits that he’s dating Sue, because Beiste isn’t .  . . um . . . curing his Man Pain.  Yep, apparently someone on this show still hasn’t cashed in that shiny V card.  Unfortunately, for Beiste, night time weightlifting sessions (NOT a euphemism for sex), do not equal a “romantic relationship,” as far as Cooter is concerned.

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It looks like SOMEONE has just been punted into the dreaded Friend Zone.  I smell a solo song number.  Don’t you?

I hereby present to you “Jolene.”

Ultimately,  Sue ends up losing the Congressional Election to Burt Hummel.   But will she lose her Cooter to the Turducken loving Beiste, who has decided to battle for his love, one chicken breast at a time?  Only the writers know for sure . . .

I’m Coming Out (I Want the World to Know)

Finn’s tribute to Santana is a slow, sultry, and oddly poignant version of Cyndi Lauper’s “Girls Just Want to Have Fun.”  It came as a pleasant surprise for me, because I’m not usually a huge fan of Finn’s voice.  I also always tend to prefer Glee songs that offer a unique take on an already popular song, as opposed to merely covering it, karaoke style.  So, this really worked for me.  Santana must have felt the same way, since her the iceberg around her heart melted enough by the end of the performance, to offer Finn both a hug and heartfelt thanks.

All together now . . . “Awwwww.”

You can catch the performance, in it’s entirety, here:

Outside by the lockers, some douchebag leers at Santana, and decides to make her his “personal challenge.”  This prompts the rest of the Glee girls, to systematically rip him a new one, in a show of sisterly solidarity.  Then, back to the Glee room they go, to perform YET ANOTHER Katy Perry song.  This time it’s the titular “I Kissed the Girl.”  And while none of the girls actually kiss during it, there is a whole lot of ass grabbing . . . You know, if you’re into that sort of thing . . .

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Check it out . . .

We never get to see Santana actually come out to her parents, though we are told that they are “fine with it.”  Wait . . . what?  I thought that seeing Santana come out to her parents and make out with Brittany was supposed to be the WHOLE POINT OF THIS EPISODE?

Santana did come out to her grandma, though . . . That didn’t go so well . . .  “I want you to know me . . . who I really am,” Santana says to this woman, who she’s loved dearly and admired her entire life.

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So, of course that evil wench has to go, and squash her heart like a bug . . .

How dare Santana make her asshat grandma uncomfortable, by telling her what’s in her heart?  She should have kept it a secret, and maintained the lie of their relationship . . . that would be MUCH better.  It’s interesting (and sad) how Grandma seems more willing to accept that her daughter might be pregnant, while still in high school, than gay.  Eventually, Grandma kicks a tearful Santana out of her house, and tells her never to return.

Then, as soon as Santana leaves, the Glee fandom knocks down the old lady’s door, and proceeds to beat the crap out of her homophobic ass.  Good times! 🙂

Santana returns to school the next day, subdued, but determined to keep on fighting for her own happiness.  She sings k.d. lang’s “Constant Craving,” while Puck and Shelby stare moodily at one another, and Crazy Quinn plots the teacher’s untimely death.  Other than that awkwardness, the performance serves as a poignant finale to the journey Santana underwent, during the episode . . .

In other news . . .

When Stuffing a Ballot Box, Don’t Forget to Count the Ballots . . .

Sue wasn’t the only person to lose an election this week, Kurt lost one too . . . but for lack of cheating trying.  It’s student election time at McKinley and Kurt is convinced that he is going to lose to Brittany, because, unlike her, he refuses to go topless on Tuesdays.  (Can we get Blaine to go topless on Tuesday’s instead?   Or Puck,  for that matter?)

Convinced that an election loss will kill his chances of getting into NYATA college, Kurt contemplates stuffing the ballot box.   But Rachel, Blaine and Finn convince him to “be good.” The ballots are secret, but, the benefit of this being a TV show is that we get to see who everyone votes for.  Santana and Quinn show Cheerios spirit (and a little Lebanese Lady Love, respectively) by voting for their Britt . . .

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 . . . while most of the other Gleeks seem to support Kurt.

However, when Kurt ends up winning the election by 190 more votes than there are actually STUDENTS IN THE SCHOOL, Principal Figgins cries foul.   This is the worst election scandal since Bush v. Gore!  Kurt is called in for questioning, and threatened with suspension.  There’s only one problem .  . . he didn’t do it.

You know who did?   Rachel . . . . you know, because she needs her Gay Best Friend for college nights on the town, and stuff.  (Who doesn’t?)

Of course, Brittany ends up winning the election, fair and square.   (HOORAY for Pixie Sticks and Public Nudity!)  Kurt concedes graciously,  telling Brittany to “rule awesomely,” even though he’s quite certain now that he won’t get into college now, and will be forced to spend the rest of his life in Lima,  singing oldies songs for tips at the local Johnny Rockets . . .

And here’s the kicker . . . Rachel might not get into NYATA now either.  Her election rigging is going on her permanent record.  She’s suspended from school for a week, and . . . wait for it . . . she’s BANNED FROM COMPETING IN SECTIONALS!!

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This is terrible.  The New Directions are probably going to have to have that little leprechaun kid do all the solos now . . .

Next week on Glee, SHIRTLESS SAM is back, and . . .

Yeah, I missed everything else, after I saw that.  It’s a girl thing.  What can I tell you?  Anywhoo, feel free to check out the trailer for next week’s Glee installment, entitled “Hold on to Sixteen” here:

So . . . tell me . . . what did you think of “I Kissed a Girl?” 😉

Until next time, Gleeks . . .

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Dodging the Bully – A Recap of Glee’s “Mash Off”

[Fashionably Late . . . Again?  (I’m afraid this is becoming a habit.)  The Recap for Gossip Girl’s “All the Pretty Sources” is well under way.  Wondering when you can expect it?  I’d say most probably before midnight (EST), tomorrow, Tuesday, November 22nd.  My sincere apologies for my recent lack of timeliness.  (Chuck got me very drunk last night . . . just like Dan.)]

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Greetings Gleeks!  This Very Special Episode of Glee was all about the unintended consequences of bullying.  But lest you think the entire episode was a TOTAL downer .  . . there was also a sizeable portion of it that was about Puck’s weiner.

Get it?  A sizeable portion . . . because Puck’s wei  . . . nevermind.

Let’s recap, shall we?

Pucker up, for the Puck-ster

It’s a weekday, which means Puck must be in love with a new woman.  At least, this time, it’s not that annoying asshat, Lauren Zizes . . .

“What the f*&k was I thinking?” 

As Puck and the show’s writers go to great lengths to remind us, he’s EIGHTEEN now.  So, it’s TOTALLY OK for him to want to taste the forbidden fruit that is adopted mother-of-his child / substitute teacher / rival Glee club director, Shelby Corcoran . . .  I smell a musical moment, don’t you?

Though not necessarily the best sounding cover song Glee has ever done, “Hot for Teacher,” was definitely good for a few laughs . . . with Puck gyrating to the rhythm of his old school guitar, and crooning / yelling in that sexy, scratchy voice of his.  Meanwhile, Blaine and Mike Chang repeatedly grabbed their grotches, wiggled their hips, and awkwardly waved their hands behind him, in an odd little cross between the original Van Halen music video on which this was based, and . . . a rousing game of Simon Says?

Oh, and, of course, Finn was making his classic, “I’m on the drums” face, the whole time . . .

He didn’t participate in any of the dancing though . . . (Gee, I wonder why?)

Feel free to check out the original “Hot for Teacher” below, and compare the two for yourself . . .

Anywhoo, Puck attempts to win Shelby’s heart by giving her a baby pumpkin, instead of the usual “apple for the teacher” type deal.  Have any of you out there ever actually eaten a baby pumpkin?  Do they taste like regular pumpkins?  I don’t know . . .  They are more interesting than apples though . . . because, really, anybody can get you an apple.  Baby pumpkins, on the other hand, are only available when they are in-season.

But I digress . . .

Puck proceeds to make his plea for Shelby’s love by (1)  reminding Shelby how hot they both are . . .

Well . . . I agree with half of that statement. 😉 

(2) listing all the May / December celebrity romances that have worked . . . like Ashton and Demi for example . . .

WHOOPS.  Nevermind!  It looks like the script for this show was written a few weeks too early.  Indiana Jones and Ally McBeal ARE still together though, last time I checked.  So, he got that one right . . . at least.

(3) And offering to be a REAL father to Baby Beth . . .

But perhaps the most controversial thing Puck did to win Shelby’s love was to out Quinn for all those awful things she did to get Baby Beth taken away from Shelby by Child Services.

Now, assuming Puck did this, because he thought Shelby had the right to know, and not just as a ploy to get into her thong (which is debatable), I’m all for it.  However, something tells me that Quinn isn’t going to feel the same way as I do, when SHE inevitably finds out . . .

I’d say the sweetest part of this storyline was when Puck told Shelby that she was meant to be Beth’s mom, even going as far as to say that’s why Puck and Quinn got drunk and boned one another about a year a so ago, unprotected, and against their better judgment.  Well, that’s ONE way of looking at it . . .

“Come on, let me stick it in, ya!  It’s for a GOOD CAUSE!” 

Things We Never Knew About Burt Hummel . . .

“I’m a better dancer than my son-in-law . . . though, admittedly, that’s not saying much.” 

Did you know Burt Hummel has a baboon heart?

Did you know he married a donkey?  Well, now you do!  Thanks, Sue Sylvester!

I know . . . I know . . . neither are these things are true.  But I honestly think Sue Sylvester’s so-called negative advertising campaigns against State Congressional hopeful, Burt Hummel, were some of the funniest moments of this episode.  And while I’m 100% against bestiality and donkey / human marriages, I think there is entirely too much prejudice nowadays against people with animal parts . . . Just sayin’.

“Is this what having a stroke feels like?”

Brittany said the above line to compliment the mash-up / duet rival Glee club directors Will Schuester and Shelby Corcoran performed to two songs (both named “You and I”).  The performance was meant to  convince the two groups to get along with one another long enough to compete in one giant Mash Off, before they find themselves competing against one another, for real, during Sectionals.  Nevermind the fact that, as was mentioned last season, neither musical group appears to have the minimum number of participants required for a team to enter into the competition.

Well, I was definitely twitching after the song was over.  So, maybe Brittany was on to something there.  While this was definitely not my favorite musical number of the episode, I did appreciate the creativity of combining a popular Lady Gaga song with an old 80’s country song that most Glee viewers (myself included) had probably never heard before.  The lyrics of the two songs dovetailed surprisingly well with one another, and the resulting song sounded a lot better than you would think it would .  . . but not much.

That didn’t stop me from twitching though . . . maybe it’s a Schuester thing.  He bugs me sometimes, what can I say!

Sorry, Schue!  It’s true!

Santana’s got balls (and she’s not afraid to throw them)

Upcoming Mash-off competition aside, it seems the New Directions and the Troubletones weren’t satisfied having only ONE opportunity to kick eachother’s asses.  And so evolved the brilliant idea that the two groups should meet up in the gym, and pelt eachother with their balls .  . .

 . . . dodgeballs that is.

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The Mash-up of “Hit Me with Your Best Shot,” and “One Way or Another,” provided a perfect soundtrack for the surprisingly intense game.  Plus, the action shots of Gleeks playing dodgeball made for some of the best choreography we’ve seen on the show, in quite some time.  For example, did you guys know Blaine can fly?

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“Weeeeeeeeeeeee!”

Kurt likey . . . A LOT! 

Now, while Kurt might have SERIOUSLY enjoyed watching his boyfriend soar over his head, in those uber short and much-too-tight gym shorts, he definitely was NOT a fan of the Troubletones decision to mercilessly pelt Little New Guy Rory with dodgeballs, long AFTER they had already won the game.  Kurt scolded his opponents for their bad form, as he dragged a bloody Rory off the battlefield, while throwing a SERIOUS “I’m judging you” face in his former friends’ direction.

Mommy Dearest (and not so Dearest)

I have to say, I respect Rachel Berry a whole lot more, now that I know she writes her own college recommendations, so that all her “recommenders” have to do is sign them.  (For all you prospective college applicants out there, it really is the best way to go!)  Of course, there is one other big thing that Rachel did during this hour to make me respect her.  But, more on that later . . .

“While we are on the subject, MOM, I am also looking for a surrogate, to carry my baby in her belly for nine months, in exchange for $20,000.  Would you be interested?” 

Given the disappointing way in which Shelby’s Season 2 run-in with bio-daughter Rachel ended, it’s nice to see these two working toward forming a genuine relationship with one another, this Season . . .  When Rachel comes to Shelby, to get her to sign a pre-written college application, the latter surprises her bio daughter with plenty of kind words, encouragement, and the type of pride only a real mother, can show for her daughter.  She even offers to writer Rachel a college recommendation BY HERSELF.  HOORAY!

But then Shelby inadvertently makes Rachel feel like crap, by telling her daughter that, because she’s so friggin perfect, less-than-perfect people who are applying to performing arts school against her (like say . . . Kurt), don’t have a shot in hell of getting in, and, will, therefore, probably end up flipping burgers for the rest of their lives. . .

Dear Kurt, Sorry I ruined your life.  And yes, I would like fries with that.  Love, Rachel. 

Putting that aside though, it was a  Genuinely Touching Moment . . .

If looks could kill . . . 

On the other end of the parental unit relationship spectrum are Quinn and Shelby.  Shelby never exactly seemed to be Quinn’s biggest fan, anyway.  But now that she knows about the whole Baby-napping Scheme, she’s REALLY Anti-Quinn.  Eventually, a confrontation ensues, in which  Quinn calls Shelby out for “whoring out” Baby Berry, back when she was a teen (OUCH!).

And Shelby calls Quinn out for . . . um . . . well, basically, just being an incredibly sh*tty human being.  (QUADRUPLE OUCH!)

Shelby also tells Quinn that she doesn’t trust her around Baby Beth, anymore.  Sorry Quinn!  Perhaps, you should have gone with a different tactic . . . like making out with Shelby, and giving her baby pumpkins . . . Better luck, next illegitimate child!

Topless Tuesdays and Other Campaign Promises . . .

It’s campaign speech time, at McKinley High.  And just like in real government, all the candidates seem to be making promises they can’t keep.  That weird, mullet-wearing, red headed guy from the hockey team says he promises that all students will be able to boss around their teachers from now on.

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Brittany wants to protect high school students in Lima from tornadoes, and promises to go topless every Tuesday.  Way to give back to your community, Brittany!

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Rachel promises to withdraw from the race, and get everyone to vote for Kurt . . .   Wait, WHAT?  Rachel is going to give up an opportunity to be the best?  I must have walked into someone’s alternate universe Kachel fanfiction!

In all seriousness though, I think Rachel took to heart Shelby’s words about how the Type A, overachiever, ALREADY has the resume to get into the college of her dreams, while Kurt does not.  It was a super sweet, suprisingly un-Rachel like thing to do.  And Kurt was just as shocked as the rest of us . . .

As for Kurt, his campaign speech is kind of a downer.  I mean, fighting against childhood obesity, and bullying is great . . . but eliminating dodgeball?  Seriously?  Wouldn’t it be easier to just use softer balls, like Kurt’s those squishy ones that Nerf makes?  My personal opinions aside, I loved Kurt’s speech, simply because Blaine’s “Supportive Face,” while he was making said speech was SUPER hot.  And we wouldn’t have had the chance to see it, otherwise . . .

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After the speeches, Kurt and Rachel FINALLY ended their seemingly interminable election-based fight.  Not only was the reunion scene between the pair extremely touching, I’m just thrilled that these two characters will finally be able to regularly interact again.  After all, Rachel’s and Kurt’s friendship is my favorite completely platonic relationship on this show . . . heck, it might actually be the only completely platonic relationship on this show . . .

Reunited and it feels SO GOOD! 

Out and Not So Proud . . .

Oh, Santana.  As a character, I adore you to pieces . . . most of the time.  You are hilariously funny.  You constantly make fun of Finn.  You have a spectacular singing voice.  And you are one of the most complex, and consistently written, characters on this show.  But if I REALLY knew you, or, worse, attended high school with you, I’m pretty sure, I would hate your guts .  . . and keep a voodoo doll of you in my locker, to stab at, whenever I was having a particularly bad day.

Throughout the episode, we watched Santana be mercilessly evil to Finn, and his new sidekick Rory.

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It eventually got to the point where even her fellow Troubletones were begging her to stop.  But she continued, with what was probably the meanest, most underhanded,  apology ever.  And that’s when Finn snapped, outing Santana as a lesbian in front of the whole school.  Whether intentionally, or unintentionally done . . . whether provoked or unprovoked  . . . whether he thought Santana’s sexual preference was a secret or common knowledge, what Finn did was VERY, VERY wrong.  And it ended up producing some pretty serious consequences for Santana . . .

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As it turns out, one of Burt’s and Sue’s congressional opponents has a daughter who attends McKinley High, and that daughter recorded Finn’s and Santana’s conversation.  Ultimately, Santana’s secret ended up being used by this opponent in a negative campaign advertisement against Sue, in order to imply that the Cheerios coach was ALSO a lesbian.  In a surprisingly poignant moment, the usually ascerbic Sue, Burt Hummel, and Will Schuester call Santana into Sue’s office to show her the advertisement, and offer her their support.

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Santana, understandably, is inconsolate.  “This can’t be happening to me,” she cries, as she makes a mad dash down the hallway  “I haven’t even come out to my parents yet.”

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And the Winner of the Mash Off of 2011 is . . .

The Mash Off Competition takes place before Santana really has time to heal, or process the many ways in which her life is about to change.  The New Directions are up first, and SURPRISE, it’s another 80’s music mash-up.  (Way to be HIP, Mr. Schue!)  This one is a mixture of the songs “I Can’t Go For That,” and “You Make My Dreams.”  It was a fun performance, for sure.  But, for me at least, the best part about it, by far, were the ridiculous curly wigs, weird heavily shoulder padded suit jackets, and over abundance of pink all the guys wore during the musical number.  Hysterical, with a capital H!

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Oh, and did youu catch the befuddled facial expressions of all the females in the audience.  PRICELESS!  As for the women, they all vaguely resembled Pebbles Flintstone . . . though, I’m not exactly sure why . . .

See, for yourself . . .

But the winners of this competition, hands down, just like in the dodgeball competition that preceded it, were the Troubletones.

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With Santana and Mercedes at the helm, the group’s mashup of Adele’s “Rumor Has It” and “Someone Like You,” was breathtakingly beautiful, and enchantingly mesmerizing, with just a smidgeon of slit-your-wrist, depressing.

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Naya Rivera expertly portrayed, all of the angst, sadness, and inner turmoil of her character’s unfortunate outing, in every word she sang, and every expression that crossed her face.

Then, when the performance was over, and Santana leapt off the stage, to slap Finn extra hard, right across the mouth, for the inadvertent role he played in her embarrassment and discomfort, I had genuine tears in my eyes . . .

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In the next installment of Glee, if the promos are any indication, Santana will come out to her parents, and the rest of the cast will get laid.  Can I get a HELL YEAH!  You can check out the promo for “I Kissed a Girl,” here . . .

 So, tell me  . . .  what did you think of “Mash Off?”

Did you enjoy the Adele number as much as I did?  Do you agree with me that the Troubletones kicked New Direction’s ASS this week, in every way possible?  Are you shipping Shelby / Puck . . .  or do they make you want to upchuck?

 Are you pro or anti-dodgeball?  And, most importantly, Team Santana, or Team Finn?  Feel free to sound off in the comment section . . .

Annnnd . . . that’s what you missed, ON GLEE!

[www.juliekushner.com][Fangirls Forever]

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Adios, V-Card! – A Recap of Glee’s “The First Time”

[A Note About the TVD Recap for “Homecoming”:  It’s on its WAY!  I’m just putting some additional pictures and gifs in there.  It will most definitely be up by 6 p.m. EST.  But it will likely be up WAY earlier than that  . . . like, say, early afternoon.  Thanks for your patience!]

 

RACHEL: “Any last minute sex tips?”

BLAINE: “Don’t forget to tell him how big it is.”

RACHEL: “But what if it isn’t big?”

BLAINE: “Don’t forget to lie, and tell him how big it is.” 

This was it, my Fellow Gleeks . . . the one you’ve all been waiting for  . .  . the sexpisode.  Going into the hour, it was no secret that Glee power couples, Finchel and Klaine, were both going to pop their collective cherries, by the episode’s end.

Here, at TV Recappers, we LUUUUUUUVE Cherry Popping!  Cherry Popping is fun! 

Given all we knew about the episode before it aired, one might have expected “The First Time” to be somewhat of a let down.  Fortunately, the hour contained more than enough surprises, colorful musical numbers, and well-acted scenes to maintain the interest of even the most skeptical of fans . . .

Did I mention that Beiste got herself a boyfriend . . . or that Karofsky showed up, looking like one of the Village People?

So, enough with the teasing and foreplay.  Let’s all get laid, shall we?

Artie Abrams – Sexpert?

“I know it looks like we are judging you but . . . yeah . . . we’re actually judging you.” 

The episode begins with our favorite wheelchair user, basking in the “triumph” that comes from directing a school play.  Artie, apparently, just  LOVES bossing people around . .  . not just in the context of the play, but in all aspects of their lives.  In fact, an alternate title for this episode could have easily been :”Artie Knows Best” . . . or, perhaps, more accurately, “Artie Knows Sex.”  Wouldn’t you agree?

Artie’s first targets for “self-improvement” are Rachel and Blaine.  Upon hearing the pair sing their rendition of West Side Story, Artie decides that “something is missing” in their performance.  What on Earth could it be!  Oh, that’s right . . . they are NOT BONING  . . . not eachother . . . and not anyone else either.  Rachel and Blaine are totally and completely . . . BONE-LESS.

Dear Diary,

Apparently, my inability to get laid has made me a sub-par actress.  I am sad.

Love,

The Virgin Rachel 

Without a second thought toward sparing their feelings, Artie abruptly tells the plays two leads that they are lacking romantic chemistry on stage, because they are both virgins.  Of course, Artie!  Rachel’s and Blaine’s respective virginal statuses MUST be the reason they don’t look like they want to rip one another’s clothes off, onstage.  Surely, it has absolutely NOTHING to do with the fact that each of the members of this faux-couple, actually  . . .

I’m kidding, of course.  There are plenty of gay actors, who can conceivably “play straight.”  But I find it interesting that the characters’ respective virginal statuses were what Artie honed in on, as opposed to, an issue that would seem much more OBVIOUS.

Anywhoo . . .  the minute Artie brings up the topic of sex, his co-directors, Beiste and Emma LITERALLY run screaming from the room.  I hate to break it to you kids, but you just made your sex status WAY more obvious than you would have, had you just . . . oh . . . I don’t know . . . sat there quietly with your mouths shut.

“Oops.”

To their credit, fellow virgins Rachel and Blaine keep surprisingly cool, by comparison as Artie awkwardly describes in cringe-inducingly specific detail that one time he f*&ked Brittany,and she repeatedly called him by someone else’s name probably Santana’s.  (Ah! Memories!)

Though both Rachel and Blaine initially tell Artie that they are waiting until the “right time” to cash in their Platinum V Cards, almost immediately after rehearsal, the two go off in search of their significant others, with SEX on the brain . . .

Having successfully accomplished the mission of ensuring that both Rachel / Finn’s and Blaine/Kurt’s first born will be named, “Artie,” the Little Screw-maker that Could then sets his sights on getting Coach Beiste laid as well . . .  (More on that later.)

“This is what I like to call my ‘Come Hither Stare.'” 

After that, Artie kind of drops off the radar, until the end of the episode, where he gives a fairly heartfelt speech on how directing the play, has made him feel special and self-sufficient for the first time ever.  Awww .  . . nice one, Artie . . . Give a speech like that, and you’ll be sure to get laid after the show too! 😉  (Or, you know, you could just be “self-sufficient” and .  . . ummm  . . . give yourself a hand?  Hint, Hint, Wink, Wink)

Speaking of self-sufficiency .  . .

Mike’s Dad – Douchebag?

“Hey Mike! I’ve decided to come back to high school, join the Glee club, and hit on your girlfriend.  HOORAY!” 

So, Mike’s dad is supposed to be some big fancy doctor, right?  Is that why he spends so much time at McKinley High, hanging out by his son’s locker, like a total creeper?  I mean, honestly, you would think a guy like that would have better things to do  . . . like his wife! (Pun intended.)

That said, I cheered for Mike for not caving to his father, when the latter — upon learning that Mike refused to give up his dream to become a professional dancer — threatened to disown him, if he didn’t abandon all dancing dreams.

“Well, than I guess I don’t have a dad, anymore,” Mike said fiercely, as his dad stalked off.

Well, Mike might not have a dad, anymore.  But he definitely has a mother.  And she was absolutely blown away, by her son’s portrayal of Riff from West Side Story, while she sat and cheered him on from the audience.  I was blown away too .  . . but I actually kind of wish we got to see a bit more from that portrayal .  . . like say, the epic death scene?

“But I’m too good of a dancer to die!” 

In addition to having a supportive Mom, Mike also has a super sweet girlfriend, who positively LOVED giving him her virginity . . . But, more on that later too . . .

“Who’s got two hands and a fabulous sex life?  THIS GIRL!” 

Meanwhile, in Beisteland . . .

Coach Beiste – Closet Romantic?

Poor sweet, cherry un-popped Beiste!  You know what’s funny?  I was initially shocked to find out she was still a virgin.  And then I remembered, that up until about a half a season ago, she had never even BEEN KISSED!  So, I don’t know why I was surprised . . .

“Would you please stop licking my ear.  I wanted a kiss, not an ear wax removal kit.” 

Lack of experience aside, Beiste, definitely has a soft side.  And, this week, that soft side was SERIOUSLY crushing on the OSU recruiter, who’d been hanging around McKinley High.  When Screw-maker Artie hears about this, he vows to help his teacher and mentor nip this little cherry-popping problem in the bud, ASAP.  (That Artie . . . he’s a busy little f*&ker, isn’t he?)

When Artie confronts the recruiter (who’s name is Cooter, which was probably the most controversial thing about this not-all-that-controversial episode), he gets some very shocking, but also oddly fortuitous, news.  As it turns out, Cooter Recruiter wants a little Beiste in him, just as much as Beiste wants a Little Cooter in HER (OK, that just sounds wrong, on so many levels)!  In fact, he’s been trying to ask her out for weeks!  (Really, how long has Cooter been hanging out at McKinley?  Doesn’t he have other schools to go to?)  Unfortunately . . . wait for it . . . SHE keeps turning HIM down?!

I guess for a woman who has only been kissed (by SCHUESTER, of all people), and who is highly insecure about her appearance, the art of flirting subtlety is completely lost on her.  Fortunately, Artie convinces Big Cooter (See? Never gets old.) to ask out the Beiste again . . . only this time, he tells the Old Coot to be REALLY, REALLY obvious about it . . . and show her what’s in his heart . . .

“Beiste . . . I give you my heart.”

First, Cooter finds Beiste in the weight room (where she is probably bench pressing HIS weight) and gives her flowers.  It doesn’t get much more obvious than that, folks.  But still Beiste is completely oblivious, wondering if the bouquet is for a funeral of some sort.  OUCH!  Yeah . . . if you don’t hurry up and grab your Cooter fast Beiste, there will be a funeral, all right . . . a funeral for the functionality of your lady parts :).

“Herein lies Coach Beiste’s ability to have children . . .” 

Fortunately, for Beiste, Cooter then takes his cue from Artie, and asks Beiste out in the most blatantly obvious way possible . . . by actually using the word “date,” in the question . . . something pretty much no body does anymore.  Way to keep it Old School, Cooter!  Upon hearing this inquiry Beiste begins . . . CRYING?!

Huh?

At first, she’s crying out of sadness, because she thinks it’s a joke . . . which is just so super depressing.  I can’t even talk about it, without getting weepy (well, not really, but . . . you know).  It’s upsetting.

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But then he tells her how beautiful and womanly he thinks she is, and those tears of sadness, turn into tears of joy, HOORAY!  I honestly, thought it would be REALLY fitting if Beiste and her Cooter went on their first date to Breadsticks, especially considering how much she loves those Never-Ending Pasta Bowls.  But, instead she went to . . . the school play . . . which is really super lame, when you think about it.  But, it’s a start  . . .

“Psst . . . this play sucks.  What do you say we sneak out, go  back to my place, and watch the food channel?”

Since we are on the subject of false starts . . .

Things Not to Say When You Are Trying to Get Laid Part 1 – “Let’s Get this Over With”

Someone’s got egg on her face! 

So, I mentioned that Rachel wanted to get a little NC-17 action with Finn, prior to opening night, right?  Fortunately, it just so happens that Finn’s ENTIRE family is supposed to be out of the house that evening.  So, there will be absolutely no chance for awkward interruptions.  Rachel pops over to Finn’s house.  And, wanting the night to be perfect, he prepares her some choice meat for dinner.  This would be great, except . . . well, Rachel’s a VEGAN.

So, much for good eats, Rachel and Finn head right down to the floor in the living room to get down to the business of humping.  But then Finn has to f*&k everything up by asking Rachel WHY she wants to sleep with him now?!

DOH!

Finn .  . . you are horny high school boy.  When you get the green light, you GO.  Don’t ask questions!  Don’t hesitate!   Just take of your pants, and DO IT!   OR ELSE . . .

But I guess this was Finn’s week to be a good boy (He alternates from week to week, you know!), so he needed to know Rachel’s love was true, before he could . . . um . . . poke her with HIS love.

“I feel so violated and used.” 

And, of course, this would have been fine, if Rachel didn’t feel the need to be ridiculously honest about her reason for having sex with Finn.  “I just want to get this over with [before the show, tomorrow night].”

OH RACHEL!  You might as well, have stuck a pin in his weiner . . .

You are an actress.  Why couldn’t you just ACT like you had a better reason for doing this, than you actually did.  Have you no brain heart?

Long story short, Finn’s and Rachel’s first foray at sex, ends with both of them striking out.  Finn doesn’t want any part of Rachel’s cooter tonight, especially after what she said.  Apparently, Rachel’s V-card is American Express V-card.  It’s not accepted everywhere.

And so the two condoms Rachel and Finn each brought for the occasion, remain unwrapped, for at least, one more night . . .

A rubber is a terrible thing to waste . . . 

The next day at school, a cowed Rachel, asks her gal pals their opinion on whether she should have sex with Finn.  Santana and Brittany vote “no.”  Because Brittany’s first time was apparently an alien invasion of some sort.  And Santana thinks Finn is terrible in bed.

Is it just me?  Or does this look like one of those KY jelly commercials? 

The writers intercut this fairly humorous conversation with Santana and Rachel singing a duet to “A Boy Like That,” which, is more or less, Rachel’s way of saying, she hopes Finn was just bad in bed, because he was with Santana, and not because he lacks screwing skills . . .

“Gee Rachel, why don’t you tell me how you REALLY feel . .  .”

Now, I know the song is a classic from West Side Story,  but, honestly, I think it’s lyrics are a little mean.  Because, seriously, if a guy broke your heart, and you were trying to warn your friend about him, would you really want to hear that friend say to you, “He won’t break MY heart, because he loves ME, and doesn’t love you.”

Talk about kicking a girl, while she’s down . . . Way to be insensitive, Maria from West Side Story . . .

But lest you think everyone on this show is all anti-sex, Tina, of all people, had a fabulous little story about how awesome sex with Mike Chang was because he is very flexible and has great abs she loves him so very much.  In other words, Mike Chang is the PIMP DADDY of this show . . . second to “I don’t use condoms, and thought I would be the one to take Rachel’s virginity” Puck, of course . . .

Though neither Rachel nor Blaine end up cashing in their V-cards, prior to Opening Night of West Side Story, both decide this is OK, because they both know what love is, and can tap into THAT, while playing their respective rolls.  This seems to work OK . . . I guess . . . at least judging by the musical numbers we got to see from the actual show.

Still, my favorite number of the entire episode was “America,” which, oddly enough featured the entire young Glee cast, EXCEPT Rachel and Blaine.  Most notably, it featured Puck and Santana rocking some AWESOME Puerto Rican accents!

But back to Rachel and Finn  . . . Rachel returns to Finn’s house after the play, to apologize for .  . . you know, deflating his weiner, with her “let’s get it over with, so that Maria from West Side Story doesn’t have to be a virgin,” comment.  However, as it turns out, Rachel’s remark isn’t all that’s making Finn feel crappy, he was also passed over by COOTER (awww man!  That name strikes again) for a scholarship to OSU.

“Damn that COOTER!” 

Now, Cooter may have been SUPER nice to Beiste, earlier on in the episode, but he DEFINITELY had his sensitivity chip on the off-switch, when he told Finn that his football career had peaked.  OUCH!  Finn thinks his dreams are dead, because he’s not a good enough football player or performer to get into the colleges of his choice.  Rachel sweetly comforts him, telling him that his dreams are NOT dead, he just “grew out of them.”  (Remind me to use that one on myself, the next time I fail at something . . . I didn’t fail.  I just “grew out of” being successful.  It has a nice ring to it, don’t you think?)

After promising Finn that she will help him find some new dreams, Rachel proceeds to make Finn’s dreams come true, by giving him a special gift that NO ONE ELSE is ever going to get.  You guessed it.  It’s time to chop up that V-card, for real this time.

Who’s two left feet, and is currently having his brains banged out?  THIS GUY!” 

But this time, Rachel is doing it because she LOOOOOOOVES Finn, and his future new dreams . . .

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Things Not to Say When You Are Trying to Get Laid Part 2 – “Hey!  I’ve got an idea!  How about I grope you in the backseat of this car?”

Blaine is be-bopping around Kurt’s room, while the latter wonders out loud, why they aren’t screwing yet.  The pair joke adorably about the fact that Kurt wears too many layers of clothing for easy access . . .

Not to mention, too many ridiculous hats. . .

Later, Blaine heads back to Dalton to invite his old classmates to the play.  Once there, he confirms that things haven’t changed all that much, since he was gone.  The group still sing pop songs accapella style, while dancing around like Carlton from The Fresh Prince of Bel Air.

Their “Uptown Girl”number (complete with a token female teacher / sexy librarian type as the titular “uptown gir”l) proves as much.  Though I must admit, seeing a Warblers number without Blaine as their lead singer is like watching a vampire show, without hot people in it . . . it just doesn’t make any sense . . .

By the way, I love how the fancy schmancy private school boys are singing a song about how “simple and poor” they are . . .  It’s very cute.

That said, there has been one major change to the Glee club since Blaine left.  His name is Sebastian . . . you know . . . like the lobster from The Little Mermaid.

Sebastian wastes no time, eye sexing up Blaine, and telling him that he is “sex on a stick, and sings like a dream” .  . . despite having never heard him sing . . . ever.  Blaine is clearly super flattered by all the hardcore flirting, and talks up Sebastian for way longer than he should, considering he has a boyfriend.

“The seaweed is always greener, in somebody else’s pants.” 

The flirting continues at the local coffee shop, where Sebastian douchily (is that a verb?) brags to Blaine about how worldly he is, because he’s been to GAY PARIIII!  But before the lobster can turn this into a discussion about French Kissing, Kurt swoops in to put a territorial arm around Blaine’s shoulder, and, more or less, tell this Creepy Crustacean, in no uncertain terms, “The Boy is Mine.”

Likely, because he wants to show Blaine how “spontaneous” he is, Kurt, shocks Blaine by accepting on both of their behalfs, Sebastian’s offer that the two meet him at a gay bar.

“You’ve just gotta love a man in a bolo tie . . .” 

Armed with fake ideas, Designated Driver Kurt, and Secret Lush, Blaine, head to the bar called “Scandals.”  After a single beer, Lightweight Blaine is totally wasted, and inappropriately grinding with Sebastian.  Meanwhile a super pouty Kurt (so much for that skin sloughing regimen), is sitting by the bar, crying into his Shirley Temple.

“You better watch out for your boyfriend,” remarks a familiar voice.  It’s Dave “the Bear Cub”Karofsky, of all people.  Apparently, Dave is at a new school now.  And though, he is decidedly still in the closet, there, at least here, he can feel right at home and accepted by the patrons of Scandals . . . even if it is Tranny Night . . .

Outside in the parking lot, a drunk and horny Blaine pulls Kurt into the back seat of the car, and starts aggressively humping him.  Given that Blaine spent the whole night, rubbing up on Sebastian, Kurt is TOTALLY not cool with his first time taking place in the car lot of a gay club, accented by the intermingled smells of car air freshener, leather seats, Blaine’s one beer, and, of course, Red Lobster Sebastian’s overpowering cologne.  So, he pushes Blaine off of him angrily, and does not mince words, in telling him how he feels about this failed act of seduction.

Embarrassed and annoyed, Blaine stalks home.  But, after the show, the pair make up, confess their undying devotion to one another . . .

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 . . . and, you know . . . do it.  . .

“Well, HALLELUJAH!” 

Musicals Make Everything Better (even . . . well . . .  you know ;))

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As far as sex scenes go, Kurt’s and Blaine’s and Finn’s and Rachel’s, which were edited together, and intermingled with Blaine’s and Rachel’s West Side Story number, “One Hand, One Heart,” were incredibly sweet, but also ridiculously tame.  Almost NO skin was shown (Blaine and Kurt, were FULLY dressed in fact . . . and I bet you can guess which part of that statement really perturbs me!)

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KURT: “Come on, Blaine!  Take off your shirt!”

BLAINE: “NO!”

KURT: “Why?”

BLAINE: “Because Fox won’t let me.”

KURT: “What a bunch of douchebags . . .”

But hey, it’s Fox . . . not HBO .  . . and not even the CW.  So, what do you expect?  And besides, it wasn’t really about the sex, was it?  It was about the love . . .

I’m lying, of course it was about the SEX! 😉  It’s ALWAYS about sex.  But I’m happy for our little couples, anyway . . .

And that was “The First Time,” in a nutshell.  So, what did you think?  Are you Finchel and Klaine fans, or are you already getting sick of the show’s emphasis on these two SHIPS?  Do you see Sebastian as a genuine threat to the Klaine union?  How about Karofsky?  Did you like the West Side Story Numbers?  Are you glad Beiste is FINALLY getting some?  And, perhaps most importantly, are you as mad as I was that we didn’t get to see Darren Criss with his shirt off?

“In case you’re wondering, that’s Kurt’s underwear I’m wearing on my head . . .”

Feel free to sound off on some or all of these questions in the comments section below . . .

Oh, and check out the promo for next week’s episode, “Mash Up,” which, from the looks of it, features, not one, but TWO Adele songs (“Rumor has It” and “Someone Like You”) and a rollicking game of .  . . dodgeball?

See ya then, my fellow Gleeks!

[www.juliekushner.com][Fangirls Forever]

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Judge Not, Lest GLEE be Judged! – A Recap of Glee’s “The Funeral”

WILL:  “Just so you know, I’m not wearing any pants under here . . .”

Nothing says “glee-ful,” like a funeral, right?  This week, Fox’s most peppy prime time program, took a turn for the teary, when it focused on the untimely death of the most beloved relative of McKinley High’s LEAST beloved coach . . .

Oops!  I don’t think she liked that remark.

And yet, the episode wasn’t an ENTIRE cryfest.  We also got to experience, a few tour de force musical numbers, a sentimental tribute to Will Schuester’s impressive sweater vest collection . . .

Hopefully, now that he’s given all of his clothing away, we’ll get to see more of THIS Mr. Schue . . .

 . . . and, perhaps, most importantly, we got to watch Jesse St. James metaphorically make breakfast on the heads of all the Glee club members that AREN’T Rachel Berry . . .

“I already got MINE, guys!  Now it’s your turn!”

So, wipe that egg off your face, and keep some Kleenex on hand for a good cry, because it’s time for your weekly Gleecap!

New Directions, New Villains and Zombies Who Like to Poop . . .

Any guesses as to how many innocent bottles of hairstyling gel were harmed in the making of this photo still?

It’s almost time for Nationals, Gleeks!  And you know what that means!  It’s time for the Glee kids to fight with one another over who gets a solo!  (YAY!) 

For reasons that completely defy the imagination, Will decides to use his perpetually miniscule budget to hire a “show choir consultant” to help New Directions succeed in its upcoming competition.  And who better for the job, then the college dropout, who broke Rachel’s heart, and completely screwed over the club last year, by pretending to be one of its members, and ditching them at the very last minute, to sing for the enemy?

How could you not trust THIS face?

That’s right, boys and girls!  It’s Jesse St. Jack Ass, reporting for duty!  And if he wasn’t so friggin hot, I’m sure I’d have lots more bad stuff to say about him . . .

Jesse informs Will and Will mindlessly agrees, because he apparently packed his brain and soul in the same box as his sweater vests that the ONLY way for New Directions to win Nationals, is if they focus their entire performance around the club’s “best” singer.  In Jesse’s defense, this DOES seem to be the strategy most commonly employed by McKinley High’s most formidable opponents.  Take, for example, Vocal Adrenaline . . .

. . . and, of course, who could forget, The Warblers . . .

Of course, Finn, the humble soul that he is, suggests that he and Rachel lead the club in a duet.  At which point Quinn (who would rather give birth to another illegitamate child, than see Rachel and her boyfriend eye f*&king eachother on stage) “kindly” reminds her “honey” that this was precisely the strategy that lost New Directions the Regional competition to Vocal Adrenaline last year.

“Don’t make me go all Lucy Caboosey on your ass!”

Adding insult to injury is St. Jackass, who tells Finn that the latter is not particularly talented at singing OR dancing.  Oh, also, according to Jesse, when Finn performs, he looks like a “zombie who likes to poop.”  This, of course, begs the question of what, exactly, a “Pooping Zombie” looks like . . .  I’m going to guess that it looks something like this . . .

 

 . . . combined with THIS .  . .

 . . . and mixed with a little of THIS . . .

(Mean or not . . . you’ve got to admit, the Jackass has a point) . . .

So, Will decides to hold “auditions” for his Glee kids to determine which of them gets to be the New Directions’ equivalent of Blaine Warbler . . .

So . . . pretty . . . cannot . . . look . . . away.

Try a Lack of Tenderness . . .

“The competition is ON, like Donkey Kong!”

Under normal circumstances, I suspect that the ENTIRE Glee club would have auditioned for the solo role at Nationals.  However, since Finn was busy perfecting his Defecating Dead Guy Face . . .

 . . . and since half of the episode was spent on Sue’s storyline the rest of the cast was . . . ummmm . . . washing their hair that day, the only ones who actually auditioned for the spot were Rachel (SURPRISE!), Kurt (SHOCKER!), Santana, and Mercedes . . .

  First up was Santana, who sang Amy Winehouse’s “Back to Black.”

Her performance was pretty darn awesome.  And the fact that she did it stone cold SOBER unlike the REAL Amy Winehouse was majorly impressive.  She was also wearing an adorable outfit during her performance, which certainly doesn’t hurt (See above – I WANT THIS!).  Though, I must say, given Santana’s usual “take no prisoners” personality, I was a bit disappointed that when singing the line, “He kept his _______ wet,” she replaced the word “dick” with the, significantly less naughty (and, therefore, much less fun), “lips.”

What exactly do you have against ‘dicks’, Santana?” 😉

You can check out Santana’s entire performance, by clicking the internal link below . . .

Though Will thought this performance was “fabulous,” Jesse was underwhelmed, claiming that Santana missed the “emotion of the song.”  Personally, I think Jesse was just offended by the lack of “dick” in the number.  Think I’m exaggerating?  Then explain this to me:  Why did Jesse draw a picture of a puss . . . er . . . I mean . . . a cat, in his notepad, while Santana was singing? 

What’s new, Pussy Cat? 

Let that be a lesson to you, Santana:  Censorship is BAD!

Next up was Kurt.  He sang “Some People” from the Broadway Play Gypsy.  And it was. . . well . . . very . . . KURT-y.  That’s probably the best way to describe it . . .

I think part of the problem with the performance for me, was that my mind kept wandering during it.  I kept getting distracted by those bizarre skull and crossbone flare pants Kurt wore on stage, coupled with hisweird “tied in the back like a paint smock” vest.  Seriously, who DRESSES this kid?  Edward Scissorhands?

One thing that can be said for Kurt though, he is VERY FLEXIBLE!  Check out this move he managed to do, at the end of the musical number . . .

Blaine APPROVES!

But you know who DOESN’T approve of Kurt?  Jesse!  He wonders if Kurt is aware that “Some People” is a “Girl Song.”  “I make my living singing “Girl Songs” Kurt explains.  Point well taken, Kurt.  But that still doesn’t explain those ridiculous pants . . .

You can check out Kurt’s performance by clicking on the link below:

Third up was Mercedes.  She sang Otis Redding’s “Try a Little Tenderness,” which, if you are an afficionado of cheesy 80’s movies like me, you will remember as the song Jon Cryer’s Duckie absolutely KILLED (in a good way), during the film, Pretty in Pink . . .

If Santana’s and Kurt’s performances were good, Mercedes was AMAZING!  (Though, admittedly, her dancing abilities are nowhere near up to par with those of the Duckster!)  Even Jesse St. Jackass let out a “WOW,” when Mercedes belted out the song’s extremely challenging refrain.

This one is going on my ipod, FOR SURE!  You can check the performance out, for yourself, below . . .

And yet, despite being obviously impressed by Mercedes vocal range, Saint Jackass still had little nice to say about McKinley High’s most unapologetic diva.  He even went as far as to call the poor girl, of all things . . . LAZY!

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After Mercedes kindly offered to allow Jesse to “taste her fist,” Rachel took the stage with, you guessed it, her 85,000th Barbra Streisand song.

Now, I know . . . “Babs” is supposed to be Rachel’s “idol” and all . . . but COME ON!  Enough is enough!  There ARE other singers on this planet besides Barbra, that sing ballads, you know!

Anyway, Rachel sang a song called “My Man.”  Believe it or not, I had actually never heard the song, before the episode aired.  And I don’t particularly want to hear it again. 

Performance-wise, Rachel, as usual, did a fine job . . . well . . . except for two things: (1) she kept picturing Finn throughout the number, which was . . . nauseating annoying, to say the least; and (2) she made these weird, sort of constipated, facial expressions throughout the number.  Perhaps, Rachel’s Great Love for Finn is starting to make her emote like he does . . .

If you are a Rachel fan, and/or a Barbra Streisand fan, you will definitely want to check out the link below . .  .

You know who’s a HUGE Rachel fan?  Jesse St. Jackass!

OK . . . so, he might not have been such a big fan, back then.  But he’s definitely one now!  And because he really wants to touch Rachel’s Berries admires her work, St. Jackass has absolutely nothing bad at all to say about his ex girlfriend’s performance.  In fact, he thinks the Glee club’s Nationals’ performance should revolve around her . . . again.

Despite Jesse’s endorsement, however, Will ultimately decides that, rather than award ANY ONE GLEE KID a solo, the ENTIRE Glee club will sing original songs TOGETHER at Nationals . . . thereby making this entire audition process a whole load of poo.

“Haha!  Jokes on YOU, Gleeks!”

The audition process wasn’t a TOTAL loss, however.  It DID help Saint Jackass move one step closer to popping Rachel Berry’s cherries!

“Stop staring at my boobs, ya perv!”

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In other news . . .

A Farewell to Arms Sweater Vests

Will Schuester, this is your ‘What Not to Wear’ Fasion Intervention.”

So, remember a few weeks back, when April invited Will to be in her lame ass Broadway show with her?  Well, it turns out he’s going!  In doing so, he’s leaving EVERYONE and EVERYTHING behind him, including the Glee kids, Emma, and those HIDEOUS sweater vests.  Of course, Will hasn’t told his students this yet, because we need some sort of cliffhanger in the season finale he doesn’t want to distract them from winning Nationals. 

While at Will’s house helping him pack, Emma tells Will that she remembers the sweater vest he wore when they first met.  I can’t decide whether I think that is really sweet, or incredibly disturbing.  So, the next day, Emma shows up at school WEARING THAT VEST . .  .

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(OK .  . . I’ve made my decision, now . . . I’m going to go with “incredibly disturbing.”  Thank you very much.)

Hmmm . . . let’s see, what else happened this week? . . . Oh yeah . . . the funeral.

Pure Imagination

It started like any other episode, with Sue and Terri trying to foil the Glee club’s plans to fly to New York, by rerouting their plane to Libya.  (Libya?  Really?)  But then we learned that Sue had kicked Becky off of the Cheerios.  And things got pretty maudlin, pretty fast . . .

When Will finds out about this, he confronts Sue about her incredible lack of sensitivity.  Sue surprises Will by explaining that she kicked Becky off the Cheerios, because Becky reminds her too much of her older sister, Jean, who died of pneumonia in her sleep the night before.  As is often the case in these type of situations, Sue blames herself for not being there for Jean, during her final moments.

Will informs the Glee kids of Sue’s loss.  And, despite their extremely contentious relationship with the cheerleading coach, the kids arrive at her office, flowers and stuffed animals in hand, to pay their respects . . .

Finn and Kurt, both of whom know personally what it is like to lose a close family member, are particularly sympathetic to Sue, when she explains that she is too emotionally overwrought to sort through Jean’s personal items at the nursing home, or plan her funeral.  So, the pair (who have already planned a FABULOUS wedding for their parents – remember?) commandeer the Glee club to help out an Enemy in Need. 

Upon learning that Jean loved the film Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory, the Glee kids decorate the funeral home, with the film in mind, adorning Jean’s coffin with extra large lollipops, gumdrops, candycanes, and, of course, Everlasting Gobstoppers. 

Now, no offense to Jean (may she rest in peace), but, am I the only one who finds the Willy Wonka movie POSITIVELY TERRIFYING?  I mean, think about it, this is a story about kids that, as a result of some pretty minor infractions, turned blue and obese, drowned in chocolate, got shrunk to ant size, were attacked by squirrels, and got dropped down loooong trash chutes. 

Just sayin’

Poorly-selected theme aside, the funeral was a truly beautiful one.  It featured, among other things, Sue’s heart-tugging speech about her sister (which Will kindly read for the typically-stone cold educator, when she became too choked up to continue), uplifting videos of the deceased, during happier times . . .

. . . and the Glee kids tear-jerking performance of the song “Pure Imagination,” which was featured in the original film. 

Oddly enough, the event inspired Finn to break up with Quinn, in the parking lot outside the funeral home.  Now, don’t get me wrong, I’m not a Quinn fan, at all!  And I never particularly cared for Finn and Quinn as a couple.  But SERIOUSLY?  Talk about BAD TIMING!  I mean, how insensitive can you get?

“Are you friggin kidding me, Poopy Zombie?”

Of course, any sympathy I may have had for Quinn was lost, the moment she told Finn that she didn’t mind if he continued to have feelings for Rachel, provided he dated Quinn through next year, so that the pair had another shot of winning Prom King and Queen.

Obviously, a girl who makes THIS kind of request of the boyfriend, who is clearly trying to dump her for SOMEONE ELSE, is either extremely shallow, or has pitifully low self esteem.  (Maybe a little bit of both?)  That being said, Quinn’s emotional exit from the car following the Big Dump, illustrated that the Wanna-Be Prom Queen’s feelings for Finn may, in fact, be deeper than she would like the casual onlooker to believe . . . 

Oh, and she also threatened to do something naughty to Finn at Nationals.  Hmmm . . . I wonder what she’s planning . . .

Hide your bunnies and your balls, Finn!

The question is: now, that Finn has FINALLY made up his mind until he inevitably changes it again, can he win back Rachel, before she falls headfirst into the ass of Jesse St. Jackass?  Do we really care? 

Only time will tell . . .

In other potential Character Redemption News, by way of saying “Thanks for the funeral,”  Sue has decided that she no longer wants to send the Glee kids to their certain deaths in Libya.  (PROGRESS!) She’d much rather . . . run for a seat in the House of Representatives?

You’ve really gotta love a Random Plot Point, like this one!

Oh, and she let Becky back into the Cheerios, even going as far as to offer the loveable teen the position of Captain, for the following year. 

When the tightly-knit pair hugged one another, toward the end of the episode, I must admit, I got a little misty-eyed .  . .

Did I mention that Will’s ridiculously annoying ex Terri (she of the fake pregnancies, and such) is moving to Miami to become manager of the Bed, Bath and Beyond Sheetz n’ Things store, down there? 

Sayonara Sucka!

Or that this SAME woman randomly decided to get the ENTIRE GLEE CLUB first class tickets to New York for Nationals?  (The “Sheetz” in Lima must pay REALLY WELL!)  Yeah . . . I thought it was totally random too. 

But, instead of talking about side characters, who I DON’T care about very much, let’s talk about ones that I actually LIKE . . . who were totally missing from this episode . . .

Where’s the Beiste?

And the Sunshine?

And why the F*&K didn’t PUCK have any lines or shirtless scenes this week?

Next week, is Glee season finale!  (Can you believe this show has been on  for two full seasons already?) In honor of the Big Event, the entire cast will be heading to New York City for the National competition! 

You can check out the promo for this Sure-to-Be-Epic episode HERE:

So, my fellow Gleeks, the time has come for you to make your predictions:  Will New Directions  beat out Sunshine Corazon and her Vocal Adrenaline teammates, this year?  Or are they destined for yet another crushing defeat?  You’ll have to tune in next week, in order to find out.  See ya then!

[www.juliekushner.com]

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Dance Your Pants Off! – A Recap of Glee’s “Prom Queen”

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“You can get married as many times as you want, but there is only one prom,”  says Quinn Febray, during Glee’s epic PROM EPISODE. 

“This is how I decided to spend the alimony payments from each of my five ex-husbands.  One lame tiara, for each lame man.”

Ahhh . . . the Prom Episode, every teen show has one.  And only some of them are actually worth watching.  After all, when it comes to prom episodes, there’s a whole lot of CLICHE to go around:  the Pre-Prom Pictures, the Ugly Duckling Transformation, the Long, Slow Walk Down the Stairs, while the Admiring Boyfriend Looks On, the Inevitably Fight Over a Girl (or Guy), the Romantic Slow Dance Moment, and, of course, the crowning of the Prom’s King and Queen.  And with cliches, comes a WHOLE LOT OF OPPORTUNITIES to be unmemorable . . .

A MAJOR Opportunity for a Cliche is RIGHT HERE!  It’s a GOOD THING that these two didn’t win Prom King and Queen.  That’s all I’m saying!  (Oh, and Finn?  1985 called.  It REALLY wants your powder blue cumberbund back . . .)

Fortunately, Glee’s “Prom Queen” managed to deftly sidestep all of the typical Prom Episode Traps that were just waiting to trip it up.  The result was a genuinely fun-filled, toe-tapping, heart warming, tear-inducing, hour of television. 

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Oh, you RIDE THAT PONY, Santana!  Ride it hard!

My fellow Gleeks, the time has come to zip up those dresses, strap on the corsages, spike the punch, and practice dancing the night away, in those ridiculously uncomfortable high heels.  In the iconic words of Sam Evan’s “Who’s ready for some PROM?”

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I Love it When Glee Gets All Self-Deprecating and Self-Referential!

“Give me back my BALLS, B*tch!”

The moment I knew that I was going to LOVE this week’s installment of Glee occurred about two minutes into the episode, when Jacob Ben-Israel shoved a microphone in Puck’s face, and asked him a question that was purportedly given to him by “fans at home: “Where does Lauren keep your balls?”

“Fans from Home,” INDEED!  I think MANY of us have been asking ourselves this very question, ever since the writers made the BIZARRE decision to couple Puck and Lauren, back during the Valentine’s Day episode.   So, it’s comforting to know that at least SOMEONE in the writers’ room is listening.  Because, as much as I desperately want to have sex with ADORE my Sexy Puck-meister . . .

. . . even I must admit that he does act a tad “Neutered Puppy”-esque when hanging around a certain Full-Figured Female.

Cute?  Definitely!  Bad Ass?  Not exactly . .  .

 And did you notice how Puck and Lauren had virtually no scenes together, this week?  I smell PROGRESS! 

Strike THREE, Zizes!  YOU’RE OUT!

That being said, the fact that Puck chose to “up his street cred” this week, by (1) NOT spiking the Prom Punch; and (2) rocking out to a rather annoying song written by a 13-year old, leads me to question whether or not Lauren not only chopped off his manhood when she started dating him, but gave him a LOBOTOMY too . . .

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That being said, I still want to attend a party in his pants . . .

In other META-news, when Principal Figgins asks Mr. Schue if his Glee kids could perform at prom (Apparently, Air Supply canceled AGAIN!  Stupid Air Supply!) . . .

. . . Sue Sylvester pipes in with a list of all of the WORST SONGS EVER PERFORMED on Glee by the Glee Club.  Included on this list, of course, are . . .

“Run, Joey, Run”

(Coincidentally, it is from the video of “Run, Joey, Run” that I obtained my absolute FAVORITE, and, admittedly, very much overrused, Sexy White-Tank Wearing Puck GIF, which you may have noticed above.)

AND . . .

 that ridiculous “Hair” / “Crazy in Love” Mashup . . .

Now, THIS was REALLY BAD!

One thing that’s gotta be said for Glee, when the show messes up, at least it’s willing to ADMIT IT . . . most of the time, anyway.

So, Who’s YOUR Prom Date?

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Was it just me, or did Brittany seem unusually smart, this week?  Perhaps, when Lauren cut off the frontal lobe of Puck’s brain, she ended up donating it to the web host of Fondue for Two . . .

There was a bit of intrigue, early on in the episode, regarding which Glee kids would take which other Glee kids to prom.  (Because, HEAVEN FORBID, any of them take NON-CAST MEMBERS, right?)  I mean, we already knew that Finn was going to take Quinn (yawn), Mike was going to take Tina (zzzzzz), Puck was going to take Lauren (BOO!), and Santana and Karofsky were going to be eachother’s closeted dance partners.  But it was interesting to see the, usually proud and independent, Mercedes so decidedly bummed about not having a date .  . .

MERCEDES:  “I can’t understand why no one has asked me to prom yet?”

RACHEL:  “Do you think it might have something to do with the fact that you are wearing a HUGE, SCARY OPEN MOUTH on your chest?”

Some have argued that Mercedes sudden interest in having a boyfriend, when she has seemed to show NO INTEREST WHATSOEVER, in the past, seems out of character, and more like a Plot Device, than anything else.  However, I kind of feel like Mercedes is someone who hides her insecurities behind a cloak of false bravado.  And, as such a person, she would sooner knock something she can’t have, than admit that she truly wants it.  That being said, I love that Mercedes’ friendship with Rachel has evolved to the point where the former can be truly honest with the latter, about her hopes and dreams. 

Ho’s Before Bro’s!

Speaking of Rachel, we all know she can be SUPER selfish sometimes.  So, it was really refreshing to see her take others’ needs into consideration, this week. 

Finny LIKE!

She did this by orchestrating a group date between Mercedes, Sam, and herself so that (1) all of them had dates to the prom; and (2) Sam’s financial situation did not keep him from attending.  Way to go, Rach!

Trouty Mouth is very pleased!

“I am a TOTAL PIMP!”

Meanwhile, Blaine struggles with his own insecurities about attending prom with Kurt, as a result of a traumatic experience, during Blaine’s public school days, when he was beat up for attending a Sadie Hawkins dance with one of his gay friends . ..

In an Awesome Mutually Mature Boyfriend Moment, Kurt, despite obviously REALLY wanting to attend the prom, tells Blaine that he would be willing to skip the event, if Blaine feels uncomfortable with it.  Likewise, Blaine, though clearly not without reservations, loves Kurt so much, that he is willing to face up to his deepest, darkest, fears in order to make Kurt happy.  (By the way, I love how, when Kurt asks Blaine to the prom he actually refers to him as “Blaine Warbler.”  SO CUTE!) 

LOL!  The maker of this picspam and I clearly share a brain. . .

Secretly hoping that their public acts of kindness will win them points in the Prom King and Queen Race, Team Beard, Santana and Karofsky offer to give Kurt round the clock protection from bullying (well . . . at least during school hours).

This inevitably results in some VERY interesting and intense moments between Kurt and Karofsky, which I plan to discuss more fully in just a bit.  But, for now, let’s talk about Artie . . .

Dear, sweet, Artie!  You broke my heart many times over this week, from your Fashion Disaster Prom Wardrobe (Elvis Hair?   Orange Suit?  Ruffled Shirt?  NO!  NO and HELL NO!), to your defeated (and, let’s face it, slightly pathetic) acceptance of torture at the hands of Sue Sylvester.  But nothing you did this week, broke my heart like your failed serenade of Brittany. 

“I know you are mad at me now, but I was wondering if you would possibly be interested in having a threesome with Santana and me?  Best of both worlds, right?”

Sure, you called her stupid, which was probably the ONE thing you could have said to Brittany that would get her to dump you.  And, yes, you kind of added insult to injury, by singing, of all songs, Stevie Wonder’s “Isn’t She Lovely” to her, which is, after all, a song about a NEWBORN BABY . . .

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The lyrics, “Less than ONE MINUTE OLD,” should have probably clued you in to that one . . .

But still, to be shot down, in front of an ENTIRE HOME ECONOMICS class, because your ex tells you that she would rather go to her prom ALONE, and have hot sex with Santana dance with lots of random guys, instead of YOU . . . now that’s GOTTA HURT!  Artie, if I wasn’t sure it would give me a painful electrical shock (I’ve actually tried this before . . . “smart” . . . I know), I probably would have hugged you right through the television screen . . .

Everybody Loves Rachel . . . for a change (well, except, maybe, for Quinn)

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Yes!  They are fighting over ME!  Rachel Berry!  Everybody loves ME!  I’m awesome. Oh, boys!  Stop fighting!  This is terrible!  Someone is going to get hurt . . . and I can’t afford to break my nose, again.”

Rachel Berry may already have TWO dates to the prom.  But she’s about to get at least one more (and, if Eye F*&king counts as “dating,” possibly TWO more).  We see Rachel practicing her solo number for the prom, Adele’s “Rolling in the Deep.”  Then, seemingly out of nowhere (Seriously, is there NO security at this school?) Jesse St. James magically appears in the auditorium, transforming her already highly emotive solo into an extremely sexually-tense duet . . .

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You can check out the pair’s full performance here . . .

Whatever you may have felt about the so-called “St. Berry pairing” back in Season 1, and it’s unfortunate, not to mention, completely out-of-the-blue, ending . . .

Sunny side down?

 . . . the sexual chemistry between Jonathan Groff and Lea Michele is undeniable (which is odd, considering that Groff is so clearly GAY).  And never is the pair more on fire, than when they are mutually breaking into song.  If you recall, this is precisely how the couple’s relationship first began . . .

JESSE: “I’ve always wanted to have sex with a woman on top of a piano.  It’s very Pretty Woman.”

RACHEL:  “But we are in a library . . . and there are old people in the background, watching us.”

JESSE: “Doesn’t that turn you on?”

RACHEL: “Not really.”

JESSE:  “Work with me here.  I’m trying to get you laid.”

Though, admittedly, I prefer the original Adele version of “Rolling in the Deep” to what “Rachel and Jesse” performed here, both the acting and directing of this scene are positively flawless.  I love the way the singers’ facial expressions alternate from almost angry, to wistful, to attracted, to indifferent, to competitive, and, finally, to joyous at various points throughout the number.  I also appreciate the way Rachel and Jesse circle one another around the piano, as they sing, engaging in what seems to be a strange, and undoubtedly sexual, mating dance between predator and prey . . . lover and scorned . . . where the participants are each simultaneously playing both roles.

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JESSE:  “There is something different about you.  Did you get a nose job?”

RACHEL: “No, Jesse!  I decided against doing that.  Geez!  Don’t you watch Glee?”

As it turns out, Jesse, who was supposedly a senior in high school, during the show’s first season, has (conveniently) dropped out of college, and now (also conveniently) wishes to start his own business as a consultant to Glee Clubs and show choirs.  His reason for breaking into McKinley High?  Well, it seems to be two-fold: 

(1) He wishes to apologize to Rachel for the whole “egg-head” business.  Apparently, selling his girlfriend out for a fourth consecutive championship win of a HIGH SCHOOL competition seems short-sighted to him, in hindsight  (Gee, ya think?); and

(2) He knew Rachel’s prom was coming up, and wanted to take her.  (You know . . . because college guys always keep track of rival high school’s social calendars, while they are away.)

Was this a contrived way for the writers to bring back this character?  Absolutely.  And yet, I’m actually really excited about Jesse’s return, not only because I enjoy his interactions with Rachel (She tends to be WAY less whiny and annoying, when she’s with him.), but because I’m positively THRILLED about what his return is going to do to Finn . . .

Watch out Finn-y!  Your emotions are showing!

Speaking of Finn, he sure seemed to be All Aboard the Rachel Train, this week, didn’t he?  The minute Finn learned that Rachel was considering taking Jesse to prom, he suddenly seemed SUPER CONCERNED about Rachel “getting her heart broken again.” 

 (After all, the only person allowed to break Rachel’s heart is FINN, right?) 

Rachel rightly tells Finn to go f*&k himself, that, as someone who’s currently dating Quinn, he has NO RIGHT to weigh in on Rachel’s romantic rendezvous.  Rachel (Bless her heart, girlfriend was pure PERFECTION this episode!) then proceeds to make Finn even SORRIER about dating the wrong girl, by expertly offering him advice on how to purchase the perfect corsage for his ACTUAL girlfriend but probably not for long Quinn.  (“A Gardenia . . . with a green ribbon around it .  .  . to match her eyes,” Rachel suggests).

Oh, Finn!  You poor smitten, little boy!  You are SO SCREWED!

Tension rises between Finn and Jesse, when the two encounter one another at Breadsticks (which, apparently, is the only restaurant in Lima, Ohio) later in the episiode.  Finn, in a not-so-subtle allusion to the “Little Game of Egg Toss” Jesse played with Rachel’s head, last season, asks the college dropout, if he ordered “eggs” for dinner. 

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In return, Jesse makes a few snide remarks about Finn’s bad dancing skills .  . .

Ahem . . .

 . . . even going as far as to offer HIMSELF to QUINN as a dance partner, when she gets tired of Finn-y Boy stepping on her feet.

Jesse – 1, Finn – 0

At the prom, when Rachel sings her solo number to Christina Perri’s “Jar of Hearts”  (What happened to “Rolling in the Deep”?) Finn, who just so happens to be dancing with Quinn at the time, keeps leering at Rachel, as if he wants to swallow her whole . . .

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And, later, when Jesse starts getting all hot and handsy with Rachel on the dance floor . . .

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 . . . Finny Boy conveniently misinterprets Rachel’s nearly orgasmic reaction as displeasure and TOTALLY SNAPS, attacking Jesse like a wild drooling rabid dog, who hasn’t eaten in weeks.  This, of course, gets BOTH Jesse and Finn promptly tossed out of the prom.  Quinn is upset by this, because she BELIEVES it will prevent her from winning prom queen.  But, in all honesty, she actually doesn’t win, because nobody really likes her . . .

Take that, Lucy Caboosey!

The smallest little violin in the world begins playing, as Quinn rushes off sobbing to the bathroom (“I’m not going to be prom queen, BOO HOO HOO!  My life is over.  I’m transferring schools  . . . AGAIN,” she wails.)

And Rachel, ever the glutton for punishment, actually rushes in to comfort this b*tch.  (Seriously, Rachel was like SUPERHUMANLY ANGELIC this week.  This means that, next week, the writers will probably make her Evil Incarnate.)  So, what does Rachel get for trying to be a decent human being to Quinn in her so-called hour of need?  Well, she gets THIS . . .

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But, like I said, Rachel COULD DO NO WRONG this week.  And even after Quinn gives her “free blush” on one side of her face, Rachel sticks around to find out why Quinn is “so upset.” 

Well, for starters, Quinn is upset because she currently wants Finn.  Tomorrow, she might want Puck.  And the day after, she might want Sam.  But today, it’s Finn.  And the day Quinn wants someone, she’ll be DAMNED if he’s interested in someone else!

What I found interesting about Quinn’s “little speech,” was that she seemed LESS upset about the fact that Finn seems currently more attracted to Rachel, than to her, and MORE upset about the fact that OTHER people noticed that, and, (she thinks) didn’t select them as Prom King and Queen because of it.  Way to keep your priorities straight, girl!

“Oh, don’t cry Quinn . . . it gives you wrinkles.”

The other thing Quinn claims to be worried about, is something the writers ALWAYS have her character worry about, every time they want to make her “sympathetic” to the audience.  Quinn complains to Rachel that life is SO MUCH HARDER for her, than it is for Rachel, because, unlike Rachel Quinn is just so pretty.  And as a result of her ridiculous attractiveness (and lack of other redeeming qualities), post-high school life for Quinn might actually end up being pretty darn disappointing. 

I hate to say it, but Quinn’s probably right about her future . . . 

Nonetheless, Rachel lies through her teeth, assuring Quinn that she’s more than just a pretty face.   She’s a better person than me, that Rachel.  That’s for DAMN sure!

You know who else is a MUCH better person than I am? EVERYBODY Kurt Hummel.

Kurt Reigns Over the Prom

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One of the coolest things about Kurt Hummel, I think, is that he’s not just content to be an out-and-proud teen.  Rather, Kurt sees it as his personal mission to educate teens and adults on having tolerance for various alternative lifestyles.  And though that Bizarre Kilt Thing Kurt wanted to wear to prom, SERIOUSLY freaked out his dad, Finn and Blaine, not to mention rivaled only ARTIE’S tuxedo, as the WORST PROM OUTFIT ever . . .

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 . . . I still respected the courage it took for Kurt to wear it.  Speaking of respect, I think Karofsky gained a whole lot of it for Kurt, when the latter found it in his heart, not just to forgive the former for bullying him, but also to take pity on the pain he was experiencing as a closeted gay youth . . .

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Kurt’s kindness, and his recognition of Karofsky’s inner turmoil, causes the normally stoic jock to break down into uncharacteristic tears.  Moved by Karofsky’s display of emotion, Kurt encourages him to stop hiding his true self, and come out of the closet “not tomorrow, but when you can.”

Unfortunately, things take a turn for the worst at prom, when Puck and Sam sing Rebecca Black’s Friday, which, though better than the original version, still makes me want to clean out my ears with bleach . . .

SAM:  “We are SO going to get our asses kicked for doing this song, aren’t we?”

PUCK: “Mmmm hmm.”

 . . . Karofsky gets crowned Prom King . . .

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Well, I guess that’s not such a bad thing, in and of itself.  But then, in a cruel twist, the McKinley High School kids insensitively nominate KURT as Prom Queen, causing both him AND Santana, to run out of the auditorium in tears.

Blaine sweetly comforts Kurt outside by the lockers, offering him the same comforting safety net, Kurt had offered him back when he worried about attending the prom in the first place.  “We don’t have to stay here, you know.  We can leave and never look back.”  But Kurt isn’t ready to accept defeat just yet.  Instead, he decides to (1) return to the auditorium and get coronated; (2) dance to Mercedes’ and Santana’s rendition of “Dancing Queen;” and (3) in doing so, impliedly, tell all the homophobes in his student body to go F*&k Themselves . . .

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(By the way, PRINCIPAL FIGGINS, the kids at your school play a practical joke on a gay male student, by electing him prom queen, and YOU allow him to be coronated to the tune of DANCING QUEEN, of all songs!  FOR SHAME!)

That being said, since it WAS Mercedes and Santana singing, don’t you think they could have . . . I don’t know . . . sang a DIFFERENT SONG?  Like “Macho Man,” perhaps? 😉

For a moment, it looks as though Karofsky might muster up the courage to actually dance with Kurt.  But, seeing his classmates’ reaction to Kurt’s bold acceptance of the crown, frightens Karofsky to his core.  And, at the last second, Karofsky runs from the auditorium, once again, in tears.  Fortunately, Blaine is standing right behind Kurt at the time, and is more than willing to “have this dance” with him.

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(Speaking of Blaine, his rocking out to the most awkwardly titled song ever, the “I’m Not Going to Teach Your Boyfriend How to Dance,” was pretty awesome, right?   Now, don’t get me wrong,, it’s not that I particularly love the song.  But boyfriend SURE CAN DANCE!  Plus, I found the number refreshingly non-Warbler-esque, which was great . . . for me, anyway!)

I mentioned Santana, earlier.  She shared a very sweet scene with Brittany outside the auditorium, in which she tearfully wondered why everyone hated her, just because SHE hated THEM. 🙂  An unusually-wise-this-week Brittany argued that the rest of the school didn’t vote for Santana because they would rather play a mean joke on Kurt because they can somehow tell that she’s not being true to herself.  (Now, that’s a nice idea and all.  But, then, how did KAROFSKY win?) 

Argument fallacies aside, my heart warmed a bit, when Brittany told Santana that if she “embraced the awesomeness of who she is, she would have won.”  Now, honestly, I’m not sure I believe that .  . . but it was a sweet thing to say, nonethless. 

And when Brittany politely told Santana to stop whining, pull her head out of her ass, and be supportive to Kurt in his time of need, well, that was EVEN sweeter . . .

Wearer of the Worst Prom Outfit Ever . . . meet the Worst Plotline Ever.

As I sort of mentioned earlier, there was also this sort of bizarre storyline, in which Puck convinced Artie to spike the punch at the dance . . . and then Sue Sylvester CAUGHT Artie doing it . . . so she randomly tortured him with dental tools . . . until she found out that he DIDN’T actually spike the punch? 

Yeah . . . rest assured, that plotline was about as random, and annoying to watch, as it probably was to read.  So,I’m not going to spend any more time on it than what you see here.  . .  except to say that, perhaps, the whole point of the storyline was simply to once-again punish Artie for wearing that Ugly Ass Suit . . .

Don’t worry Artie!  Everyone makes mistakes!  Next week will be better for you, I promise.  (Because, we all know it can’t get much worse!)

So, that was basically “Prom Queen” in a nutshell.   Next week’s Glee installment, entitled “Funeral,” promises to be a much darker episode. . . not to mention, a deadlier one.  You can check out the promo for THAT episode HERE . . .

Now, it’s time to start speculating, my fellow Gleeks, if you haven’t started already.  Which cast member do you think has already sung his (or her) final Swan Song?  Tune in next week to find out . . .

[www.juliekushner.com]

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Nose Jobs, Cabooseys, and Lebanese Beards – A Recap of Glee’s “Born this Way”

Welcome back to McKinley High, Willy Wonka Kurt!  Oh, how we missed your weird hats and increasingly bizarre wardrobe choices.  May you never be saddled with the ignominy of a school dress code EVER AGAIN!

After last week’s “meh” episode, I think many of us Glee fans were hoping that this week’s Gaga-inspired 90-minute extravaganza would pack enough of an emotional, feel-good, punch to make us forget that “Night of Neglect” ever aired.  And I’m proud to say, for this Gleek, at least, “Born this Way” delivered BIG TIME! 

From the slightly preachy (but still important) overarching theme of acceptance, to the variety of fun and well-produced musical numbers, to the genuinely heartfelt, character-driven moments, this was an episode that hit every single mark that “Night of Neglect” missed. 

So, what are we waiting for?  Grab a chair, put on that unflattering white t-shirt that exposes your deepest darkest insecurities, and let’s get on with the recap!

It’s Booty Camp Time!  (Sorry, Rachel’s Nose.)

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Warning:  Do NOT try this at home!

It’s almost time for Nationals.  And our Glee kids need to work on their dance moves!  This sounds like a job for Mister Schue’s Rump-Shakin’ Booty Camp!

Yep, Will definitely strikes me as one of those people, who always make weird facial expressions, when they dance.  . .

Unfortunately, for one Gleester that shall remain nameless . . .

And shirtless . . .

 The term “dancing” actually means “wobbling around Weeble-style, while flapping your arms impatiently, like a bird who’s too fat to fly.”

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This, of course, is SUPER embarrassing for Finn.  But it’s even more unfortunate for Rachel, who has the bad luck of dancing behind Finn at Booty Camp . . .

If I didn’t know any better, I would think she was laughing at Finn’s dancing . . .

Finn accompanies Rachel to the doctor, who confirms her biggest fear: Her nose is broken.  (Way to go, FINN!)  On the bright side, Doctor Schnoz says this would be a PERFECT opportunity for Rachel to get a nose job to fix her “deviated septum.”  (Isn’t that what they ALL say?)

Finn is completely against the idea of Rachel getting a nose job.  (Then again, he might just be afraid she will ask him to pay for it, since this is, after all, ALL HIS FAULT.)  Rachel, however, upon hearing that having the surgery might actually expand her vocal range, while making her more marketable as an actress, due to her “enhanced appearance,” seems open to the idea .  . .

I smell a Life Lesson approaching . . .

Puffy Pyramid Nipples (and other things we’d like to change about the Glee kids.)

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“Come on Finn!  Let me cop a feel!  My first girlfriend was in love with YOU, and my second one ended up being a lesbian.  You are pretty much my only hope of getting to Second Base, before I graduate.”

Rachel’s Nose Job Dilemma sparks controversy among the Glee kids.  (Riiight, because whether someone chooses to have cosmetic surgery, should TOTALLY be up to the members of their after-school club.)  Heading up Team Schnoz Keeper we have Mr. Schue, Puck, and, of course, Finn. 

 Batting for Team for Team Schnoz Chopper Upper are Mercedes (who believes that the thing that makes you different, is also the one that crushes your spirit) and Santana. 

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In classic Santana Style, the latter proceeds to detail all the things that, according to her, the other Glee kids SHOULD want to change about themselves . . .

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Santana Lopez:  Making people feel like crap, since 1994 . . .

You can always count on Sue Sylvester and Santana Lopez to fulfill Glee‘s weekly quota of Politically Incorrect / Slightly Racist / Definitely Prejudiced jokes.  But since Sue was “absent” this week, Santana got stuck doin the job, all by herself.  Fortunately, she got them all out of the way in a single scene.  Always one for efficiency (I expect she’s this way in bed, as well.  Right Brittany?), Santana potentially offends the entire Asian, Jewish, and “differently abled” population, by calling Tina out, for the shape of her eyes, Rachel, for the size of her nose, and the wheelchair-bound Artie, for the generally not “useful” nature of his legs.

But my favorite diss of all, just so happened to be the one directed at Finn . . . and his “Puffy Pyramid Nipples.”   But Santana didn’t just name Finn’s rare “nipular condition,” she went on to describe it in great detail.  “They look like they’re filled with custard. You could dust them with powdered sugar, and they could pass for some sort of dessert.”

*clears throat*

All this talk about dessert, must have made Trouty Mouth Bieber Wanna Be Sam very horny hungry, because he uses this as an opportunity to fondle Finn’s man boobs.  (See picture at the top of this section.) 

Sam Evans:  Inappropriately grabbing at other people’s nips since 1996.

Since we are already on the topic of equating food with sex . . .

Come on Baby, Pop Scrub my Cherry . . .

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Ever since LAST WEEK, when Will (1) got dumped by Gwyneth Paltrow; and (2) found out that Emma was single again AND had never consummated her marriage to Dr. Carl, he has CLEARLY been putting some serious effort into breaking the wrought iron padlock on Emma Pillsbury’s pantalones!  I mean, why ELSE would he spend multiple lunch hours SCRUBBING EMMA’S FRUIT FOR HER?

 “Rub my raspberries, Will, HARDER . . . HARDER!”

Alas, I think our Schue is starting to get a bit impatient with the virginal object of his affections.  And so, he broaches with Emma the subject of her getting laid professional help for her obsessive compulsive disorder.  Unfortunately, like most addicts, Emma is not quite willing to admit that she has a Sex Grape Washing Problem.  “I wasn’t born this way,” Emma explains, as if that changes ANYTHING!

But WAIT . . . maybe it DOES!

“The Glee kids shouldn’t be insecure about their trouty mouths, eagle beaks, and puffy pyramid nipples!  Because they were BORN THIS WAY,” Will thinks to himself.  (Hey, isn’t that the title of a LADY GAGA SONG?)

“I was born with a slab of raw meat on my head . . .”

And so begins Schue’s quest to teach his Glee kids a lesson about ACCEPTANCE . . . through singing, of course!

Santana Saves the Gay Day!

While most of the Glee kids seem to be struggling with insecurities based on their personal appearance, Santana is coping with a much deeper issue, her closeted homosexuality.  Public labels aside, our Queen B*tch still wants very badly to reunite with the love of her life Brittany, who is still dating Artie.  And, somehow, Santana thinks if she wins the title of Prom Queen, she will also win back Brittany.    But how does someone so HORRIFICALLY MEAN get elected to Prom Queen?  Well, by doing something REALLY nice, of course!

Santana decides that if she wants to win the support of her fellow Gleeks, she needs to get Kurt out of Dalton Academy, and back into New Directions, in time for Nationals.  But to do that, she needs to “tame” Big Bully Karofsky.  When Santana catches Karofsky ogling Sam’s ASS in the hallways at school, she develops an idea . . .

Santofsky?

Santana invites Karofsky out to lunch, and gives it to him “straight.”  “I know you are gay . . . I saw you checking out Sam’s ass,” she tells him matter-of-factly.  Though Karofsky initially denies Santana’s accusations, when she comes out of the closet to HIM, and offers that the two gays be eachother’s “beards,” in order to use their joint popularity to win Prom King and Queen, Karofsky agrees.  Of course, the fact that Santana threatens to OUT the guy in front of the whole school, if he doesn’t comply with her demands, certainly adds to the persuasion aspect.

“I SO want to Slushee you, right now!”

At Santana’s instruction, Karofsky issues a not particularly heartfelt, but VERY convincing, apology to the Glee kids for bullying them all.  He claims to have been “cured” of all meanness, by the love of a good lesbian woman.  Together, Santana and Karofsky vow to put  a stop to bullying in their school, by starting a sort of Anti-Bullying Guardian Angel Association called . . . get this . . . the “Bully Whips,” complete with RIDICULOUS UNIFORMS, who’s flashy hideousness would make Kurt proud . . .

“Those Bully Whips berets are ‘GORGE’, but a bit plain for my taste.  Do you think they come in rainbow colors?”

Speaking of Kurt, in furtherance of Santana’s Master Plan, Karofsky reaches out to him, by way of an apology.  Promptly, another school meeting is called to determine if Kurt feels safe enough under the same roof as Karofsky to return to McKinley High.  Kurt’s awesome dad, Burt, is in attendance . . .

 . . .  as is Doctor Arzt from Lost Karofsky’s dad, Principal Figgins, and the seemingly omnipresent Mr. Schue . . .

After hearing promises from both Karofsky, himself, and the “reformed bully’s” father, that he is a “changed man,” Kurt asks to speak to Karofsky privately.

“You’re not going to try and kiss me again, are you, Karofsky?  Because, in case you haven’t noticed, I have an INSANELY HOT BOYFRIEND, now.  Just sayin.'”

Kurt may be young, but he’s had enough life experience to know bullsh*t, when he smells it.  And so, with some gentle anal probing, Kurt eventually gets Karofsky to come clean about his and Santana’s nefarious plans to rule McKinley High from the inside of a closet.  Kurt is admittedly impressed . . .

“It’s all so deliciously EEEEEVVVIIILLLL!”  Mwah-ha-ha-ha!”

However, Kurt still thinks the viewing audience Karofsky must become educated in the Ways of the Gay.  And so, as a condition of Kurt’s returning to McKinley High, he makes Karofsky promise to start with him a chapter of PFLAG – Parents, Friends, and Family of Lesbians and Gays.  Karofsky agrees, and the Public Service Announcement Portion of the Episode is almost over.

Cut to the next day, where all the paperwork has miraculously been filed, Burt Hummel received a FULL refund on his MASSIVE private school tuition payment, and Kurt is back at McKinley High . . .  somewhere only he knows . . .

But WAIT!  Blaine is there TOO . . . and so are the REST OF THE WARBLERS!

 “How could that be?  I thought the Warblers were only allowed off campus for musical competitions and select trips to the Gap?”

Random Warbler 1:  “What’s with all these men in long hair, skirts, and makeup?  Is this a Drag Queen School?”

Random Warbler 2:  “Umm, actually . . . I think those are REAL girls.”

Random Warbler 1:  “Blaine?  I have a feeling we are not in Dalton anymore.”

Now, isn’t this sweet?  Blaine, who by now has undoubtedly forced his poor enslaved Warblers to sing for so many of his crushes, they are probably all plotting to kill him in his sleep, has commandeered his posse to sing a fond farewell to erstwhile Dalton-ite Kurt, to the tune of Keane’s “Somewhere Only We Know.”

“Hop inside my Extra Large Mouth, and I will take you for a ride you will never forget.”

I’m going to paste a link to this performance here.   Be prepared to be moved to tears, and Ugly Cry Faces . . .

 “I can’t believe Kurt is leaving the Warblers!”

“I can’t believe they didn’t put me in this scene!”

After the song, Kurt gives Blaine one final embrace, before sort of, but not really, saying goodbye to him until 3:00 p.m., when they will meet in Blaine’s bedroom and make sweet, sweet love to one another.

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So, I guess it’s fitting that the next scene features Kurt singing Sunset Boulevard’s “As if We Never Said Goodbye.”  (Although, actually, the song’s lyrics seem to more accurately reflect Kurt’s feelings about McKinley High, than Blaine.)

(To be honest, I was never a big fan of the “Show Tunes,” so I kind of tuned out on this one.  I liked the sentiment though!)

In other news . . .

Follow Your Heart (Not Your Nose.)

So, remember when I told you that Rachel was considering getting a nose job to fix her “deviated septum?”  Well, as it turns out, she doesn’t want just ANY OLD NOSE, she wants Quinn’s nose.  Rachel even goes so far as to invite Quinn with her to her Rhinoplasty consultation, so that Rachel could ascertain what she would look like with Quinn’s nose on her face.  (It’s kind of like that movie Face Off . . . only with less Nicholas Cage.)

Given all that, it makes sense that Quinn and Rachel decided to take time off from fighting over Finn and decided to fight over Puck sing a duet mashup of TLC’s “I Feel Pretty” and Westside Story’s “I Feel Pretty.”  Oh yeah . . . this one made me cry too!

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You can find a link to their performance here.  (Just be sure to have your Kleenex handy!)

It’s not until Rachel passes out PICTURES OF HERSELF wearing her new nose, that Team Schnoz Keeper REALLY starts to up its game.  First, Finn tells Rachel she is beautiful.   (All together now:  “Awwww!”)

thenm, Tina tells Rachel that she has decided to be an Asian Sex Symbol, and proceeds to make out with Mike Chang in front of everyone! 

(OK . . . so that wasn’t really helpful to Rachel.  But, honestly, this is about as useful as we’ve seen these two character be, in the past season and a half.)

Then Puck accosts Rachel in the Lady’s Room to tell her that chopping off her nose would be an affront to Hot Jews EVERYWHERE!

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(BTW, I’ve officially joined the ever-growing ranks of Team Puckleberry.  And I’m proud!)

But what really seems to ultimately change Rachel’s mind about Schnoz-Gate is the possibility of hot sex with fellow Hot Jew, Puck  . . . . The Mall?

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With Kurt’s help, Puck stages a Barbra-vention at the Eagle Rock Plaza Mall in Glendale, California. some mall in Ohio.

 

 

What’s a Barbra-vention, you ask?  Well, basically, it’s a remake of Artie’s Safety Dance Number (which took place at the SAME MALL)  where Puck, Kurt, and a whole bunch of strangers, dance around the food court to Duck Sauce’s song “Barbra Streisand.”

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Rock on, PUCK!

Never heard of the Barbra Streisand song?  Oh, it’s a very eloquent tune . . . and by “eloquent” I mean it contains THREE WORDS (well . . . actually, one name, one consonant, and one vowel).  Please allow me to teach it to you.  It goes, “Woooooooooo Woooooooo, BARBRA STREISAND.”  And . . . that’s it. 

No, I’m NOT kidding you, Damon Salvatore!  It’s actually a pretty good song.  But I must admit, hearing it didn’t make me not want a nose job.  To each his own, I guess . . .

Long story short, Rachel ended up not getting a nose job.  Team Schnoz Keepers, for the WIN . . . and, of course, Barbra Streisand. 

In other sing-y and dance-y news (And, yes, I recognize what a LAME segway that was!), Finn and Mike showed off their respective lack of singing and dancing ability in their performance of Sammy Davis Jr.’s “Gotta Be Me.”  During the performance, Finn sang well and danced REALLY badly, while Mike dance well, but didn’t sing at all.  In other words, it was exactly like EVERY OTHER MUSIC NUMBER IN WHICH MIKE CHANG HAS TAKEN PART SINCE THE PILOT . . .

You can check out a link to the performance here:

(Now, don’t get me wrong.  I don’t have anything at all against Sammy Davis, Jr., may he Rest in Peace.  But, since this week’s Glee song selection did appear to be a bit 60’s tune heavy, does anybody else think Genesis’ “I Can’t Dance” would have been a slightly modern (and way more fun) choice for this duo?  Just a thought . . .)

But it wasn’t just the students at McKinley High who were staring down their insecurities, Emma Pillsbury was too!

Who’s Down with OCD?  (Yeah, you know Emma!)

(By the way, special thanks MUST go out to the Wemma Love Tumblr for (perhaps unknowingly) helping me out MAJORLY with this recap.  Every awesome Will and Emma GIF you see here, undoubtedly comes from THERE.  So, if Wemma is your SHIP, you now know where to sail . . .)

So, as you recall, Will has spent much of the episode trying to get Emma to admit she’s got a problem with the Excessive Cleanliness Thing, and that it is keeping her from having hot Schue Sex living a happy and productive life.  But when Will encourages Emma to join the rest of the class in making a t-shirt that portrays her biggest insecurity, she DOESN’T (at least, initially) choose “OCD.”  Instead, she chooses . . . THIS . . .

At lunch, Will REALLY lets Emma have it for the whole Ginger / OCD Thing!  In fact, he gets all up her grill with his dirty, unwashed fruit, and accuses her of being an “expert of deflection,” who’s afraid to face her own biggest insecurities.

“My fruits may be dirty, but I assure you that my tongue is very clean.”

The Tough Love seems to work on Emma, who, at Will’s coaxing, seeks professional help for her compulsions, even going as far as to accept medication to minimize their symptoms.  At the end of the episode, Emma DOES find the courage to proudly wear her “OCD” t-shirt.  After getting INSANELY turned on by watching Emma “strip” into said shirt (Dont’ hold your breath Schuester . . . those legs have been closed for 32 years.  And it’s going to take a lot more than some choice words and a pill to pry them open.), Will happily grabs her ungloved (baby steps!) hand, and leads her on to the dance floor.  And, for those of you wondering what WILL’s biggest insecurity is, well . . . wonder no more!

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(It gives the term Butt Face a whole new meaning!)

Speaking of Butt Faces . . . In Lauren Zizes’ news . . .  (I’m sorry, guys.  She just REALLY bugs me.)

Quinn Gets the Sympathy Vote (?)

Now, if you went to (or currently go to) high school with girls like Quinn and Santana, you are probably not surprised that either of these girls has their heart set on Prom Queen.  But you MAY be surprised to hear that Lauren Zizes wants the title as well.  After all, she was Little Miss Toddler’s in Tiaras back when she was three.  So clearly, she has the pedigree for the job . . .

Being the Whipped Puppy he seems to become, everytime he comes within three feet of Zizes, Puck decides to help Lauren win the crown.

PUCK:  “Hey, Selfish!  Ever think of doing something for ME, for a change?”

LAUREN:  “Oh, you’re still here?  I could have sworn our characters would be broken up by now.”

PUCK: “Word.”

Initially, Lauren actually looks like she has a good shot at winning the title.  After all, she’s clearly a fan favorite among the outcasts and misfits.  But then, Lauren has to go and fight dirty, by digging up an old picture of Quinn from her middle school days, and posting it all over the school . . .


Ummm .  . . yeah, so apparently Quinn’s real name is “Lucy”, and she used to be (gasp!) not-so-hot.  She also was given the unfortunate nickname Lucy Caboosey, by some of her crueler classmates.  So, when it came time to go to high school, Quinn changed schools . . . and her name . . . and her NOSE (How do ya like them apples, Rachel?)  She also, obviously, went on a MAJOR starvation diet.  And that’s how Quinn became the shallow biatch we know and love(?) today. 

Well, of course, Quinn is MORTIFIED to have this intel out in the open . . .

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As luck (and karma) would have it, however, Lauren’s plan to ruin Quinn’s chances at becoming Prom Queen end up backfiring!

(I know!  I can’t believe I’m actually rooting for Quinn, either!  I guess my frustration with Glee’s recent Zizes Overload does this to me.)

Once the school sees what Quinn USED to look like, they instinctively find her more likeable and relatable.  Suddenly, she’s gone from being someone to despite and envy, to an Inspirational Figure.  (Take THAT, ZIZES!) 

In a sweet final moment of the episode, Finn turns to girlfriend, Quinn, and shows him the Lucy Caboosey picture he now keeps in his wallet.  “This is the only picture I have of you, where I can really see you,” he explains.  

Then they makeout . . .

 . . . which kind of makes me want to go dig up photographs of MY AWKWARD STAGE (assuming I’m not still in it), so that I can show  incriminating pictures of myself to hot boys, and they will start making out with ME too!  (Hey, it could happen!)

Born this Way . . .

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Moments before the final dance number of the evening, which, as promised by The Schue at the beginning of the episode, is to the tune of Lady Gaga’s “Born this Way,” we get to see what everybody put on their Insecurities T-shirts.  I think my favorite of these came from Brittany (who’s shirt said “I’m with Stoopid, with an arrow pointing to her head) and Puck (who’s shirt ALSO said “I’m with Stoopid, with an arrow pointing to his other head).  L

ess impressive was Artie’s shirt that said “Four Eyes” (Zzzzz), and Tina’s shirt that said “Brown Eyes”  (Really?  Because, last I checked, THREE QUARTERS of the population has those).  Here are is a composite of the rest of the Gleek’s shirts .  . .  (Thanks oddles, GLEEIFS Tumblr!)

Not taking part in the dance number is a pouty Santana, who is still lodged firmly in the closet, despite the fact that Brittany made her a “Lebanese” t-shirt.  (Get it?  Lebanese?  Don’t forget, this is Brittany we are talking about here!)

Santana: You don’t get a say in who I date anymore.
Brittany: Why not? Because I’m dating somebody? Because you’re Lebanese, and I think I’m bi-curious?
Santana: No, because I said I love you. You didn’t say you love me back.
Brittany: I do love you.  Clearly, you don’t love you as much as I do, or you’d put this shirt on, and you would dance with me.

Wait . . . did she say “dance?”

Although there was no Horizontal Mambo for Brittana this week, there was a final tribute to Lady Gaga.  And you can enjoy it, in all its “Be Yourself” Glory, by clicking on this external link:

So, my fellow Gleeks . . . tell me . . . what’s on YOUR Insecurities T-shirt? 😉

[www.juliekushner.com]

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Would you like some wine with your cheesy? – A Recap of Glee’s Mid-Season Finale “A Very Glee Christmas”

“Is that an elf in your pants, Santa, or are you just happy to see me?”

Ahhhhh, Christmas.  It’s a holiday seeped in tradtion: the presents, the mistletoe, the egg nog, those ugly Christmas sweaters, the Yule Log, those ridiculous old made-for-tv movies on Lifetime and ABC Family . . .

It’s enough to nauseate warm even the coldest of hearts . . .

This week’s pre-hiatus Glee episode was all about the Holiday of Giving.  And it offered up enough Christmas Cheer and Yueltide Cheese to keep you in Sugar Shock, well past New Year’s (which I guess — considering that new episodes of Glee won’t air until February 2011 — is a good thing). 

Poor Will!  Based on the way things ended for him this episode, it doesn’t look like he’s going to be getting LAID, until after the Superbowl, either . . .

Let’s recap, shall we?

Secret Santas Got a Brand New Bag

When the episode opens, Emma — who has experienced some major coldness from the MAN WHO IS NOT-SO-SECRETLY IN LOVE WITH HER, ever since she announced to him that she ran off with Jesse from Full House Dr. Carl Howell for a Plot Device Vegas Wedding  — invites Will to a Christmas party at the Tanner Household La Casa de Carl.

“Have MERCY!”

Understandably, Will looks like he would rather stab an ice pick through his heart, than spend Christmas watching Emma and Carl PDA and “Santa Baby” on the “Most Wonderful Night of the Year.”  (Can you blame him?)

Fortunately, Will’s Sulkfest 2010 is interrupted by a Beiste Bearing Gifts . . . well actually . . . more like a Beiste bearing names, as the faculty at McKinley High plans to exchange Secret Santa gifts this year.  Will gets THIS NAME . . .

 . . . which makes him do this .  . . again.

We later learn that Sue Sylvester has actually rigged the Secret Santa so that EVERYONE pulls her name.  In the words of Stephanie Tanner from Full House,  HOW RUUUUUUUUDE!

Meanwhile .  . .

I Saw Someone Still Believing in Santa Claus . . .

When Artie learns that his “Very Special” girlfriend, Brittany, still believes in Santa Claus, he becomes determined to preserve the Magic of Christmas for her.  But he ultimately ends up shooting himself in the foot (wow that was inappropriate on SO many levels), when he takes Brittany to Santa Land at the mall.

While the rest of the Glee kids ask “Santa” for reasonable things like “bling” (Santana), “Puck’s Love” ( me Lauren Zizes), or for Channing Tatum to star in less stuff (Mike) . . .

(I think its an “abs” thing.  Some guys just don’t know how to handle a little competition . . .)

(Coincidentally, you can catch Channing Tatum in the upcoming film The Dilemma, starting January 14, 2011.)

 . . . Brittany asks for Artie to be able to walk, which reminded me of the time when he DANCED . . .

But, seeing how that was just a dream sequence . . . yeah . . . Artie is kind of screwed.

Would you rather be slusheed, or hit in the head with a designer shoe?

While Brittany has no trouble keeping herself in the Christmas spirit, the rest of the Glee kids are feeling a bit more Scroogey.  After all, they are STILL getting slusheed in the hallways (though now the slushees are in festive Christmas colors!).  And, when they try to sing “Need a Little Christmas” to classes around the school, in order to collect money for a charitable holiday class trip . . .

 . . . they get heckled and hit in the head with Christmas boots.  Bah Humbug!  Decorating the Glee choir room and singing “Welcome Christmas” does little to lift the kids spirits.  Although THIS helps some . . .

Speaking of sporting a little Christmas Wood . . .

Blaine and Kurt heat things up, while singing about the cold . . .

In my absolute favorite performance of the evening (even though plotwise, it didn’t really fit in with the rest of the episode, AT ALL), Blaine finds Kurt studying alone in the lounge at Dalton Academy, and asks him for a sexual favor.  You see, Blaine was selected to sing “Baby it’s Cold Outside” at some random Christmas pageant, and simply can’t play with himself practice alone. 

And so, the duo launch into a modern take on the classic song.  The result is fun and adorable enough to warm the cockles of even my cold, cold heart.   Those of you who haven’t seen it yet, can enjoy it here:

After the solo, Will randomly shows up at Dalton Academy — a school that not only has a “No Tolerance for Violence” policy, but, apparently, also has NO SECURITY WHATSOEVER.  You would think that the Spanish-teacher-who-hasn’t-spoken-a-lick-of-Espanol-since-the-pilot-episode was there to wish Kurt a Merry Christmas, or give him advice of some sort.  But NOOOOOOO . . . this visit was all about Will, and his problems!  (What else is new?)

You said it, Sista!

Here’s Kurt, suffering the slings and arrows of unrequited luuuuuuuuuve, and all Will wants to do is bitch about how can’t figure out what to get Sue for her Secret Santa gift.  Selfish much?

OOPS!

Will’s only gift ideas so far have been a Robot Dog and a Soul.  Now, I don’t know about that whole “Soul” thing, but a Robot Dog would be an AWESOME Christmas present . . . (hint, hint Mom .  . . if you are reading this)

(My cat would never be without a companion!)

Kurt suggests a fur-lined tracksuit, instead . . . and I, for one, am hoping he meant faux-fur . . .  At least, with the Robo Dog, you can be sure that no living creatures were harmed in its making . . .

Though some might beg to differ with that assessment . . .

You’re a Mean One, Sue the Grinch

Coincidentally, this is exactly what I look like, after eating bad cafeteria food . . .

On Secret Santa exchange day, Emma and the rest of the teachers quickly discover that Sue rigged the Name Pot (Name Jar?), in order to get all the presents for herself . . .

“You a regular Agatha Christie, except even more sexless,” Sue says of Emma, when the latter reveals Sue’s devious plan to the rest of the faculty.

The teachers stomp off in a collective huff, as Sue, along with her new minion, Becky, sort through all her new Christmas gifts with sadistic glee . . .

Not surprisingly, about six different people got her The Shake Weight . . .

Teachers and Late Night Infomercials — It’s a Match Made in Heaven (plus tax)

Eventually, Will returns to take all Sue’s gifts back.  He claims she has no legal right to them (which, I guess is true, but, then again, neither does he).  Will plans to take the undeserved gifts to the underprivileged children in a nearby district.  Though honestly, I’m not sure what a bunch of kids would do with an adult fur-lined track suit, a blender, and six shake weights . . .)

Sue, of course, is APPALLED . . .

“I’m appalled.”

And so, she decides to get revenge, by inexplicably painting her face Grinch Green (riiiiight, because no one will recognize her NOW!), and heading to the choir room — along with her trusty Reindog Becky — to steal back the gifts, and ruin Christmas for Will and the Glee kids . . .

While Sue and Becky snatched presents, smashed ornaments, tore tinsel, slashed mistle toe, and cut down the Glee tree, a voice in the background eerily broke into a rendition of Sue the Grinch.  I later learned that voice belonged — not to anyone in the Glee cast — but, instead, to K.D. Lang .  . .

Ummmm  . . . yeah . . . because that’s not random at all.

At the end of the song, Brittany arrives, decked out in her best Cindy Lou Who attire . . .

(By the way Gossip Girl fans, I bet you will never guess who played Cindy Lou Who in the movie version of the Grinch Who Stole Christmas . . .  I’ll give you a hint, her name starts with a Raccoon and ends with a Zombie.)

Meet Cindy Lou Who, also known as Little J / Taylor Momsen.  Poor Dr. Seuss must be rolling over in his grave right about now . . .

Anywho . . . Brittany mistakes Sue for Santa (Other things Brittany mistakes for Santa: tomatos, bananas, Stop Signs, Soap Scum on her shower.).  Not seeming the least concerned that Santa is “green” and “ruining Christmas,” Brittany joyfully admits to the Grinch herself, that the presents under the tree are for the homeless.  Brittany’s innocence and sheer honesty, in the face of such evil, makes Sue turn a little green . . .

. . . but it doesn’t make her feel bad enough to clean up her mess . . .

The next day, the Glee kids enter the choir room to find THIS . . .

Determined to save Christmas for his fellow Gleeks (it is his favorite holiday, after all), Finn offers to go pick out another tree for the choir room.  And Rachel (seeking entrance back into The Finn Hudson Pantalones) offers to come along for the ride.  After all, her first bid to win back Finn’s heart — which involved, you guessed it, her SINGING (lamest . . . Christmas gift . . . ever . . . Cheapskate) — failed miserably.  So, she really had nothing to lose!

“Merry Christmas, Darling.  Please enjoy the Gift of My Voice to make up for the fact that you are no longer entitled to the Gift of My Virginity . . .”

At the Christmas Tree Farm, Finn and Rachel sing a duet of the song Last Christmas . . .

When the song is over, Rachel, who has rubbed herself in car air freshener, for the occasion . . .

The best little roll-on perfume $2.50 can buy!

 . . . makes her second play of the hour for Finn’s fickle heart.  “Last year for Christmas, I asked Santa to give me you even though I am Jewish, and don’t celebrate Christmas and he did!  It’s time for you to forgive me,” she said matter-of-factly, offering him a big wet and slobbery tongue kiss, as proof of the veracity of her statement.

But Finn, who is a self-righteous asshat (WOW!  I can’t believe I am actually taking Rachel’s side on this one), runs away like the whiny b*tch he is.   In doing so, the bastard completely forgets about his lofty plans to “Save Christmas,” and leaves Rachel to smell like the inside of a car, all by her lonesome . . .  (Then again, maybe smelling Pine Fresh, will make it easier for Rachel to hitch a ride home with a Lonely Trucker or Hairy Mountain Man.)

“Last Christmas, I gave you my heart, and the very next day, you gave me a fart . . .”

Meanwhile, back in the Better Plotline . . .

Brittany, Meet Santa Claus . . .

The Glee kids beg the increasingly adorable Shannon Beiste to be “Santa” at Brittany’s house, because she “has the right body type.”  (Yeah . . . because THAT’S not insulting at all!)  Artie hopes that “Santa” can kindly break the news to Brittany that “he” will not be able to get Brittany her requested gift of A Walking Artie . . .

That night, Brittany is thrilled to see Santa Beiste doing a “Christmas Dry Run,” right in her own living room!

However, her face falls, when “Santa” explains to her that she must instead give Brittany the gift of patience, instead of what she asked for, as “fixing Artie’s legs” is not a present that can be delivered overnight.  To support her position, Beiste tells Brittany the story of a husky young girl who wished that Santa would make her look like all the other girls for Christmas.  But, instead, Santa gave her the gift of “patience,” allowing her the time to eventually realize that she didn’t really WANT to look like all the other girls after all!

Gee, I wonder who that “Little Girl” could be?

“Was it Ricki Lake?”  Brittany asks.

(You’ve gotta love when the writers of this show have the Glee kids making totally age inappropriate pop culture references.)

Though Brittany feigns a polite perkiness with Santa Beiste, the next day, Artie finds his girlfriend at her locker, looking completely crestfallen.  “I used to believe that Santa could do anything. If Santa isn’t magical, I don’t even know if I want to believe anymore,” she mutters.

In a move that makes me LOVE this couple even more than I did last week (Sorry Team Artina, I am 100% Team Bartie now!), Artie rushes Brittany home, to help her cope with her newfound crisis of faith.  Once there, however, Brittany finds a very special gift under her tree . . .

It’s called a Re-Walk, and its experimental technology allows people, heretofore bound to wheelchairs, temporary use of their limbs.  (Believe it or not, Re-Walk technology is very real.  You can read more about it here.)  Artie brought his Re-Walk back to school, to share it with the rest of the Gleeks.  Seeing her Christmas wish come true literally brought tears of joy to Brittany’s usually vacant eyes . . .

And, all cheese aside, if this Glee moment didn’t melt your heart, just the slightest bit, you are simply not human . . .

No offense!

Speaking of melted hearts . . .

How Sue Saved Christmas . . .

Desperate times call for Desperate Measures, and when Will finds the Glee kids, going all Gift of the Magi on themselves, to raise money for their trip to see the underprivileged kids, he is impressed and disturbed at the same time.  (The boys gave up their watches, while the girls were prepared to chop off their hair.  Umm . . .  does that sound like an unfair trade off to anyone else?) 

Fortunately, Will has a money-making idea that will allow the girls to keep their luscious locks, and the boys to still always know when its time for sex lunch.

In the next scene, the Glee kids sing in front of a group, for the second time this hour.  This time. however, the audience is made up of teachers.  So, the kids won’t have to worry about getting shoes thrown at them again . . .

Well . . . maybe they have to worry a little bit.

The song the kids sang, as their coffers filled with faculty donations, was “Welcome Christmas,” a song with which, I’ll admit, I was completely unfamiliar, before this episode.   And yet, one line of the song really stood out for me:  “Christmas time it will always be, just as long as we have Glee Tuesday nights at 8 p.m. on Fox”  Now how’s THAT for product placement?

Conveniently, at the last moment, Sue walks in on the “caroling,” and immediately vomits is touched with the Christmas spirit.   By the time the kids return to the choir room, all the Shake Weights are back under the tree, and everything is as it should be.

But wait!  There’s MORE!  Sue also convinces the Glee kids to go to WILL’S house, so that he doesn’t have to spend Christmas alone.  (What’s the matter Glee kids?  Do none of you have parents?)  Will is touched by the gesture, and shocked that it was Sue who orchestrated it.  “I thought you hated the holidays,” says Will incredulously.

“No, I just hate you,” Sue replies.

Did I mention that Sue bought Will a Christmas gift too?

It’s a razor!  So, Will can shave his HEAD!  Get it?  Well . . . I guess some things never change.  (And yet . . . now that Sue mentions it, Will would look kind of hot with a crew cut . . . kind of like Channing Tatum . . .)

Sorry Mike!

The last moments of this very Yuletidey mid-season finale feature the Glee kids celebrating Christmas together at Will’s house . . .

It’s a schmaltzy, but sweet, end, to a schmaltzy, but sweet, Glee episode.  Well, that’s all I’ve got, folks.  So, Merry Gleestmas to all, and to all a Good Night! 

(Oh, and see you next year, my fellow Gleekys!)

[www.juliekushner.com]

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