Oops, they did it again – A (Very Late) Mini-cap of Glee’s “Britney 2.0”

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Oh, my dear Gleeks . . . it’s that time again . . . you know . . . the time when McKinley High School makes its annual pilgrimage to Spearsylvania.

And why not?  Spearsylvania is a happy place . . . a place where every song is about That Boy You Boned, and popping your bubble gum, while thrusting your hip out suggestively, is the Language of Love.

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Except, this time around, it appears that something is VERY rotten in Spearsylvania . . .

OMG!  What’s a Gleek to do?

Can the Glee kids save their Happy Place from becoming a world filled with bald heads, bad relationships, and Cheetos binge sessions?  Tune in to this mini-cap to find out . . .

Tough Love is a B*TCH!

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Personally, I’ve never been a fan of the whole concept of “tough love,” or “brutal honesty.”  I’ve always kind of viewed it as an excuse for your friends and loved ones to say obnoxious and hurtful things to you, under the guise of “caring” and “concern.”

Call me crazy.  But when I’m feeling blue, I’d much prefer my friends to lie to me about how awesome I am, and how great everything is going to turn out, even if I know, deep down, that they are just blowing smoke up my ass.

Given my opinion on this subject, I found myself 100% relating to Rachel’s frustration with Finn’s idea of “giving her space” . . .

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. . . and her annoyance with Cassie July’s notion of “student motivation” . . .

I also wasn’t necessarily on board with Sue Sylvester’s “brilliant” idea to kick Brittany off the Cheerios squad for failing ONE test during her second senior year, considering that Girlfriend has most likely failed EVERY SINGLE SOLITARY TEST she has ever taken since kindergarten . . .

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You would think (given her own family history) that if anyone should understand that Brittany’s learning problems go way beyond laziness, and a much-too-tight high ponytail constricting blood flow to her brain, it would be Sue Sylvester.

But . . . as it turns out . . . not-so-much . . .

And yet, Brittany and Rachel aren’t the characters I’m most concerned about right now on Glee.  You know who’s worrying me most?  THIS GUY . . .

What’s going on with you, Lord Tubbington?  Suddenly, you’re self-medicating?

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(Somehow, I don’t think she’s talking about cigarettes . . .)

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And hanging out with a “bad crowd?”

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Now, you can’t tell me these aren’t loud meows for help!  In other tough love news . . .

They are sexy, and they know it!

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In true Glee fashion, Unique and Tina use a song to gently break the news to new girl, Marley, that new boy, Jake, is probably “just not that into her,” because he’s already been inside everyone else, if you catch my drift . . .

Musically, the number wasn’t one of my favorites.  However, I did enjoy the choreography, and the way Jake’s Army of Scorned Females grew throughout the song, until the triumphant finale, in which they filled an ENTIRE GYM!  Now, that’s impressive!  Be honest, Puck . . . you’re just a little bit proud of your baby bro for that one . . .

Speaking of Puck, guess who flew all the way in from LA, just to have a two-minute conversation with his baby long lost brother?  (Guess his Pool Cleaning Business has a Frequent Flyer Program?)  In what was probably the most random scene in the entire episode, the Sexy Mohawk-wearing Man convinced his Mini-Me to join Glee club, simply by revealing that he (Puck) had engaged in his first threesome at the ripe old age of seven . . . wait . . . WHAT?

Yeah, it didn’t make any sense at all, and . . . to be honest . . . was a bit disturbing.  But hey, the guy still looks gooood .  . .

You can clean MY pool anytime, Puckerman . . .

Speaking of things that don’t make any sense, how about a gay man singing this to a lesbian . . .

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I know . . . I know . . . Brittany is technically bisexual.  But still, it was a little weird.  And yet, not quite as weird as a SUPER religious Christian guy singing about “threesomes” and “living in sin,” without adding the words “will get you a first class ticket to HELL,” to the end of the song.

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That said, of all the Britney covers in this episode, “3” was probably my favorite.

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One of viewers’ main complaints about the first Britney tribute episode, was that each of the songs featured was little more than a color-by-numbers cover performance . . . the sound, the costumes, the dance moves . . . each performance came off like a less vibrant copy of the original Britney Spears music video on which it was based.  This time around, Glee seemed to take that criticism to heart, gamely reinterpreting Britney’s iconic (and some less-than-iconic) songs through mash-ups, different interpretations of the lyrics, and, in this case . . . actually going acoustic.

I don’t know about you guys, but I actually like this version of “3” better than the original . . .

Since we are on the subject of sex, it seems a certain dance teacher doesn’t think Rachel is sexy enough to dance the tango . . .

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NO ONE calls THE RACHEL BERRY un-sexy . . .especially not a has-been, whose Broadway career ended ten years ago, because she made an ass of herself on YouTube . . .

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So, Rachel does what any of us would do in this situation.  She hires her hot older friend . . .

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 . . .to perform a “dance number” with her, that basically involves her grabbing her crotch a lot, while said “hot older friend” repeatedly paws at her boobs and straddles her.

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Oh Rachel, you naughty minx!  No wonder you’ve got your dance teacher suddenly asking you to help her with her “stretching exercises” . . .

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 . . . and your “hot older friend,” giving you orchids and getting a massive boner thinking about kissing you, every time he sees you . . .

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Uh oh Finn!  It looks like someone might want to reconsider that whole “space” thing, if HE doesn’t want to end up being permanently replaced . . . both on that stupid painted-over apartment wall (Seriously?  Who does that?) and in Rachel’s heart . . .

Elsewhere in Love Triangle Land . . .

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They’ve only known one another for two episodes.  And yet, when it comes to Olympic Eye F*&king, Jake and Marley are already gold medalists . . .

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She looks great in his leather jacket!  And they make beautiful Britney Spears / Aerosmith mash-ups together!

It’s a match made in TV Shipper Heaven!  Except . . . welllll . . . there’s one teeny tiny problem.  Stop me if you’ve heard this one before . . .

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BAD KITTY!  You’ve gone and made this storyline even more of a cliche!  No toy mice for you!

Why don’t you go join Lord Tubbington’s gang, and leave Jarley alone?

But wait!  Isn’t this episode supposed to be about Brittany?

You’re right!  I almost forgot!  So many subplots, so little time . . .

Anywhoo . . . when we last left Brittany, she had just been kicked off the Cheerios, leaving her not only without a high ponytail, but also without any clothing.  (You know . . . since all cheerleaders have only one item of clothing their closet . . . their uniform . . . which they wear to school every day . . . and, sometimes, even on weekends.)

Fortunately for Brit-Brit, someone’s fat grandma likes to hang out at McKinley High, where she, occasionally performs strip teases for fun.  This stroke of luck allowed Brittany access to this super fashionable t-shirt, which she plucked out of the Lost and Found . . .

Also in the Lost and Found? A razor . . .

 . . . and a rather large green umbrella . . . perfect for beating the crap out of one Jacob Ben Israel in the hallway, and NOT getting suspended for it . . . you know . . . like Santana did, for lightly tapping Golden Boy Finn on the face for OUTING HER TO THE ENTIRE TOWN, last season

Deserves a hug . . .

Deserves EXPULSION!

Interestingly enough, none of these actions . . . not wearing Fat Grandma Clothes . . . nor carrying deadly weapons to school . . . nor brutally beating her classmates with rain gear . . . were considered loud enough cries of help from Brittany to get the attention she so direly deserved.

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No . . . for Brittany to earn the help of one William Schuester, she had to do something far worse.  She had to LIP SYNC!

OH THE HUMANITY!  Brittany has gone TOO FAR now!  SHE MUST BE STOPPED!  It’s time to take drastic measures.  It’s time to SEND IN  . . . THE OTHER BLONDE  . . .

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Don’t worry, Brit-Brit!  Sam understands your pain.  He doesn’t know how to spell either . . .

Together you two beautifully unintellectual people will stage a Britney Spears-inspired comeback like the world has never known . . . one President Mistaken for an Oscar-Award Winning Actress at a time . . .

Worry not, my fellow Gleeks!  Spearsylvania shall be SAVED!

And that’s what you missed on Glee!

[www.juliekushner.com][Fangirls Forever]

To Glee or Not to Glee . . . – Some Thoughts on Glee’s Season 4 and “The New Rachel”

Eventually, everybody graduates . . .

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. .  . well, almost everybody . . .

It’s a fact of life faced by every television show that centers around a high-school aged cast of characters.

I mean, sure, you can make time stand still for a little while . . . waving that magic TV Land Wand that converts three years into one REALLY, REALLY, REALLY LONG YEAR.  You could never show a summer vacation . . . put that “Prom Episode” off indefinitely . . . cover up your perpetually 17-year old male character’s increasingly receding hairline, by giving him a sudden fondness for hats.  But, just like death and taxes, it’s inevitable . . . EVERYBODY GRADUATES . . .

So, what’s a show to do?

Well, as a television producer, you have three options really.  Option 1:  You bow out gracefully . . . end on a high note, with your cast of characters triumphantly tossing their graduation caps into the air . . . play a mildly wistful Top 40 tune about memories, as you quickly run through a montage of some of your show’s best moments . . . then fade to black as your television show shuffles off to that increasingly populated High School TV Graveyard in the sky . . .

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Option 2: You attempt to tackle the Dreaded College Years . . . the ones that . . . let’s be honest . . . for most of us, were about TEN TIMES BETTER than high school, in real life, but, for whatever reason, never seem to translate all that well on the small screen.  You try to explain away haphazardly, the reasons why your school valedictorian is attending the same four-year university as the Kid Who Almost Flunked his Junior Year, because he still quite hasn’t managed to master the art of “reading,” and the One Who Spent a Good Portion of his Senior Year in jail . . .

Well, OF COURSE, he’d go to the same college as certified genius, Veronica Mars!

You introduce a few new characters . . . but not too many . . . because everyone knows that nobody ever really likes the “New Characters” in shows about “The College Years,” anyway.  And besides, in TV Land, everyone is always meant to live happily ever after with their High School Sweetheart . . . right?

Option 3: You go the “Next Generation” route.  You give a couple of your most popular characters, long lost little sisters, brothers, cousins, nieces, and nephews they never knew they had.  You bring in an almost entirely new troop of actors .  . . ones who could actually still pass for 16, even if you aren’t filming them from across a really, really long hallway.  You basically create an entirely new series . . . except it’s not actually a new series, because each of the supposedly New Characters seems almost eerily similar to one of the Old Characters, who just graduated.

Unless, you’re Glee . . . in which case, you will proudly choose Option 4  . . . All of the Above . . .

That’s right, Gleeks.  In a move that will either end up being touted as ingenious, or derailed as ridiculous, the Glee writers have (1) ended their third season, in a way that could have easily been construed as a series finale; (2) created a College Years Show-with-in-a-Show for it’s lead ingenue, and a few of her most popular pals; and (3) returned to McKinley High to tackle the “Next Generation” of New Directions .  . . complete with a Long Lost Brother from Another Mother . . .

. . . and a “New Rachel” . . .

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I’ll be honest, when I first read that this was Ryan Murphy’s vision for Glee‘s future, I thought the idea was, at best, overly ambitious, and, at worst, just plain awful.  So, color me surprised, when I watched the season premiere and found myself enjoying it more than I’ve enjoyed an episode of Glee in quite some time.

By now, if you’re like me, you’ve probably already read about 25 recaps of “The New Rachel.”  So, I’m not going to bore you with another one.  Let’s just “The Good, The Bad, the U-GLEE” it, shall we?

The Good . . .

Cassandra, Jake, Marley, Brody . . .’s abs . . .

OMG!  I like most of the new characters on Glee . . .  like really them  . . .  I may even like them better than some of the old characters on Glee . . . though, I’m not going to mention any names . . .

In a world where teachers tend to be cartoonish . . .

. . . ineffectual . . .

. . . or downright irksome  . . .

I like that Cassandra July is a brand of teacher we haven’t seen on this show before . . . BITTER, EDGY, and KIND OF HOT, in a bitter . . . edgy, Lindsay Lohan Trainwreck, kind of way . . .

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Here’s the thing . . . I’ve never really been a huge fan of Kate Hudson’s.  I mean, don’t get me wrong.  I think she’s a fine actress, and that she has really enviable bone structure.  I just always had trouble buying her as the Lead in a Romantic Comedy, Who Everyone is Supposed to Hope and Pray Gets the Guy in the End.  I don’t why . . . I think it has something to do with the fact that underneath those
“charming smiles,” and “witty one-liners,” she always seems SO MEAN . . .

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Enter Cassandra July . . .

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In my eyes, this is the role Kate Hudson was always meant to play.  And I just, hands down, loved her in it . . .Plus, I mean, who hasn’t wanted to pull the prissy, self-entitled, Rachel Berry down a peg or two, at least once or twice, throughout the course of this series?

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You know who else I love? MARLEY!

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I mean, sure, she doesn’t quite have Rachel Berry’s pipes, and that ridiculous cap she was wearing throughout the episode was like something straight out of a Dickens’ novel.  And yet, in a world, where every single character is LOUD, BIG, and OVER THE TOP, Marley has something truly special that you just don’t see anymore on this show . . . understated charm . . .

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Then, there’s Jake . . .

Boy, was I skeptical about him . . .

Puck’s Long Lost Brother?  The “Chip on His Shoulder?”  He “throws tantrums” . . . turns down help from the Teacher Man?  I mean, why not just paint a sign on his back that says, “I will be filling the role of Bad Boy with the Heart of Gold, thank you very much.”

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But, I don’t know . . . there’s something about this guy that I really like . . . something that screams potential . . .

Plus, I started shipping him with Marley, the minute they exchanged that WAYYY too obvious Slow-Motion-Longing-Look in the hallway, during the show’s second half hour . . .

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And then, there is Brody’s Abs . . .  Let’s just take a few moments to enjoy these, shall we?

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In addition to THESE new characters, I’m also enjoying Rachel’s and Kurt’s new journey.  For a show that’s often touted as being painfully unrealistic, I thought Rachel Berry’s homesickness, loneliness, and new-found fear of failure, coupled with the need to pretend with her old friends and family that everything was “cool,” touchingly real.

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I mean, who didn’t feel precisely like this, their first few weeks away at college?

And while Kurt’s “Glory Days,” storyline, definitely had a bit of a “been there, done that, bought the t-shirt” kind of quality, who out there didn’t get teary, when Burt Hummel told his son that he could always come back home from New York, but that he knew he wouldn’t?

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Speaking of Glee moments that made my Ugly Cry tears of joy . . . this happened . . .

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The Bad . . .

I hate to be a Debbie Downer, but was I the only one who wasn’t bowled over by the musical numbers from this episode?

The cover of “Call Me, Maybe” was “cute,” but a bit trite for my taste.

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I found the “Chasing Pavements” cover kind of forgettable.  And though I loved Darren Criss’ interpretation of Imagine Dragon’s “It’s Time,” the musical number itself was something we’ve seen about a million times before, on Glee . . .

Conversely, while I adored “Unique’s” performance of “Boogie Shoes,” last season, I’m still not quite sold on the character of Wade / Unique, who kind of reminds me of Every Bad Drag Queen Impersonation I’ve Seen in Every Movie Ever . . .

Kitty . . . meh?

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I think I liked her better, when her name was Regina George, or, better yet . . . Santana Lopez . . .

And though I do love me some Brody abdominal action, the character himself seemed a bit milque-toasty, and too-good-to-be-true for me, which kind of makes me hope Ryan Murphy surprises me, by giving the character a sleazy underbelly . . . but I’m suspecting he won’t . .  .

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Finally . . .

The U-Glee . . .

Slushee?  That is not a slushee . . .

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They used to at least look like slushees, back in Season 1 . . .

And while we are on the subject of icky, if I have to spend an entire season listening to Sue Sylvester make Baby Poop, and Menopausal Mommy jokes, I think I’m going to hurl.  I don’t care how cute that baby is . . . CRAP IS CRAP!

All-in-all . . . though?  I think New Glee got itself off to a great start.  Intriguing characters . . . interesting storylines . . . newly shippable couples . . . and have I mentioned Brody’s abs?

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Until next time, Gleeks!

[www.juliekushner.com][Fangirls Forever]