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“A Rose by Any Other Name . . .” – A Recap of The Vampire Diaries’ “Rose”

Wow!  This has been a FABULOUS week for me and my favorite TV Relation “Ships.”  First, on Monday’s Gossip Girl, Chuck and Blair FINALLY put aside their differences (well . . . sort of), and engaged in a session of HOT HATE SEX . . .

 Then, tonight, on The Vampire Diaries, Damon FINALLY told Elena he loved her, and then proceeded to make the ultimate sacrifice for her: that of his own happiness.

This all just makes me SO HAPPY!  And you know what it makes me want to do?  It makes me want to DANCE!

But enough about ME, we’re here to talk about Elena .  . . and “Rose” . . .

The Rise and Fall of a Masked Avenger

When we last left Elena, she was being carted away by  . . . well . . . Whatever the Heck This is . . .

In the first few moments of the episode, Masked Avenger Dude reveals himself to be a rather furry man — one who bears a startling resemblance to This Guy . . .

Please, Carrot Top Doppelganger, put the mask BACK ON!

NotCarrotTop drives an unconscious Elena to a deserted field.  Once there, he parks his black van next to another one, completely identical to it.  When NotCarrotTop approaches the other vehicle, a voice from behind its half open window instructs him to transfer Elena from the trunk of the first car, into the backseat of the second.

NotCarrotTop, possibly under compulsion, performs the simple task, but is then moronic enough to ask The Voice if he requires any further assistance.  The Voice tells NotCarrotTop to come closer.  And NotCarrotTop, who has clearly NEVER read Little Red Riding Hood, as a child, complies . . . and dies.

With all the expedience of a patron at the drive thru at McDonald’s, The Voice (who we later learn is named “Trevor”) devours NotCarrotTop completely, without EVER HAVING TO OPEN HIS CAR DOOR!

Now THAT’S what I call “fast food.”  Can I, perhaps, interest you in a wet napkin for your face?

Meanwhile, back in Mystic Falls, Mini Gilbert has just learned that Elena never came home from the Masquerade Ball the night before.  He’s not worried though . . .

“Go ELENA!  Getting some nooky from STEFAN!  Wait a minute . . . did I just congratulate my sister on having sex?  Yuck!  Who the hell do I think I am, Aunt Jenna?”

Tyler’s a Tool (but he’s growing on us . . .)

Over at La Casa de Rich and Awesome (at least, I think that’s where they were – though it very well may have been Caroline’s house . . .), Damon and Caroline discuss what on earth could possibly possess our favorite Baby Vamp to cover for a very “toolish” Baby Were Tyler, after the latter killed Slutty Sarah, and went all Teen Wolf on her ass.

We start to suspect that Caroline has “caught the feelings” for Wolfman, when she admits to Damon that she “felt bad for him,” after he “murdered that Big Fat Whore innocent teenage girl.” And yet, what really gives it away, is when Miss Forbes describes the creepy Village of the Damned eyes that Tyler was sporting during the transition as, “bronze with flecks of gold highlights,” or something equally schmoopy.

“OMG Damon!  Werewolves are SO DREAMY!  I don’t know what’s hotter, their hairy backs, or their long yellow toenails . . .”

Having recently become a victim of LOOOOOOVE himself . . . (hint, hint, wink, wink) . . . Damon knows just how debilitating (and TOTALLY AWESOME) such feelings can be.  And so, he leaves Caroline with a little helpful advice. 

“He can’t know about us, Caroline.  A werewolf bite can kill a vampire!”

“Even if it’s just a hickey?”

At school for the first time in about four episodes (Seriously!  These kids NEVER go to class!  Where’s a truancy officer, when you need him?), Tyler is visibly shaken by the posters on the wall featuring a “Dead at the Bottom of Some Ravine Missing Slutty Amy,” as well as a makeshift memorial, situated in front of Slutty Sarah’s locker.  So upset is Tyler, that when he tries to open his locker, the latch breaks off in his hand.  (Don’t you just HATE when that happens?)

When Caroline runs into Tyler in the hallway, she offers him a few words of encouragement, but then gives him the slip, when he tries to question her about the events of the previous night.  Tyler runs into Caroline again, at the end of the day, outside the school bus.  But when she gives him the brush off a second time, he makes the mistake of getting a little grabby with her . . .

OK . . . this girl is officially too cool for words!

Having been beaten up by a girl, and, TOTALLY humiliated, “Mr. Superhuman Strength” Tyler decides to pick on someone his own size and strength . . . a poor defenseless trashcan . . .

“Hey, buddy, what gives?  Do I go throwing YOUR home around, everytime I have a Bad Day?”

When Caroline arrives back home, she is again accosted by Tyler, who has somehow managed to break into her home.  (Umm . . . how romantic?)

When Tyler tells Caroline that he suspects her of also being a werewolf, based on her insane strength and her general lack-of-freak-outedness over Tyler’s murderous tendencies, Caroline LAUGHS IN HIS FACE!  (Again, I LOVE THIS GIRL!)  Tyler responds by pushing Caroline up against a wall (KINKY!).  But Caroline gets the best of him a third time, by vamping out on his ass!

“I’m not a werewolf,”  Caroline explains calmly.

Perhaps, against her better judgment, Caroline eventually tells Tyler that she’s a vampire (not that anyone who’s ever seen True Blood or a Twilight movie wouldn’t already know that).  However, she is smart enough not to out Stefan or Damon in her confession.  Later Caroline and Tyler share a little liquor (Apparently, it helps with the whole “Supernatural Rage” thing), and discuss symptoms of their “otherness.”  For example, Tyler often gets hot . . .

But we already KNEW that. . .

 . . . and Caroline gets emotional . . .

We knew THAT too . . .

“You can’t tell anyone, Tyler.  No one will understand,” Caroline warns the Baby Were, more or less echoing Damon’s words from earlier in the episode (which, of course, she completely IGNORED).

“I have no one to tell,” Tyler admits dejectedly.  “Next full moon, I’m going to turn . . . and I’m scared.”

Then Tyler does something I NEVER thought I’d see him do . . . he cries.  So, Caroline pulls him in for a tender embrace, while whispering comforting words in his ear.  And it is the second sweetest thing I saw all episode.  (Of course, you all know what the FIRST one is . . .)  WAY TO GO, TEAM TAROLINE!

“It’s Elena.”

Damon Salvatore, you can make Crazy Eyes at me, any time you want!

Back at school, Jeremy, who still thinks Elena spent the night at Stefan’s congratulates him on a “job well done.”  Then he tells the broody vamp, that he might not have to keep covering for the couple, because Aunt Jenna seems so very cool with their loud boning, even when its underneath her own roof.  SERIOUSLY?  What is with these Gilberts and their inappropriate interest in one another’s sex lives?

“So, Stefan, what’s yours and Elena’s favorite sexual position?  Vampire Anna and I always really liked 69, but my sister always struck me as the ‘missionary’ type.”

Creeped outedness aside, Stefan is starting to seriously worry about Elena, because he KNOWS she wasn’t with him the night before.  In fact, they were “broken up” at the time.  So, Stefan decides to confront Damon about what really went down between him and Katherine, when he was supposedly locking her in the tomb . . .

“Hey, I heard about your little ‘Halloween Costume Trick.’  Not cool, Big Bro.  My hair does NOT look like that!”

“OK . . . maybe it does . . . but still . . . NOT COOL!”

Damon insists that he did shut Katherine up in that tomb, just as he promised.   However, he also recounts to Stefan, Katherine’s cryptic words about Elena being “in danger.”  “And you didn’t think to ask her, if she’d care to elaborate?”  Stefan snarks.

“It’s Katherine.  She lies all the time!  How was I supposed to know she was actually telling the truth, for once?”

Stefan, immediately, decides to reopen the tomb and interrogate Katherine as to why Elena might be in danger.  But Damon thinks that’s a TERRIBLE idea.   (And so do I . . .)

“Duh!”

“She’ll negotiate her release.  We’ll let her out.  And then she will have us all killed,” Damon argues, quite reasonably, I think.

But Stefan cares not for rational thought, “Its Elena,” he replies matter of factly.

At school, Stefan (Didn’t he drop out, last season?) asks Bonnie to do a spell to reopen Katherine’s tomb.  (Ummm . . . yeah . . . because that turned out SO WELL last time.)

If you recall, it was the first opening of the tomb, that killed Bonnie’s Granny, and caused Bonnie to turn from Elena’s Sweet Gal Pal into Raging BWitch.  So, I thought for sure that when Stefan made this RUDE request of her, she would totally go all Firestarter on his ass . . .

But she didn’t.  Instead Bonnie merely offered an alternative solution.  And it was actually a good one! 

Using Jeremy’s blood . . .

“Stefan . . . Damon . . . it’s dinner time!  Come and get it!”

 .  . . Bonnie is somehow able to conjure up the captured Elena’s whereabouts on a map.  Sure, it causes Bonnie to get a bloody nose.  But what’s a little MORE blood among Hungry Vampires, right?

Of course, Scrappy Doo Gilbert wants to come along on Magical Journey to Rescue Elena #242.  But Papa Stefan, of course, says, “No.” 

“You can’t do this alone,” counters Jeremy.

Then Damon magically appears . . .

*Sigh!*

“He’s not,” responds Hot Stuff.

“You’re coming with me?”  Stefan inquires, surprised.

“It’s Elena,” responds one half of the Delena duo, echoing Stefan’s earlier words.

(BTW, did you guys know “Delena” was recently inducted into the Urban Dictionary?  How friggin cool is that?  GO TEAM!)

I smell a ROAD TRIP!

“Just a Taste”

Somewhere East of Eden (I’m serious!  I pretty sure “Eden” was the name of the town where Jeremy’s blood said Elena was taken . . .), “Trevor,” a.k.a. Eater of NotCarrotTop, who is looking mighty hunky, now that his face isn’t covered in blood and guts, carries Elena into a creepy ramshackle house, that is randomly covered in lit candles.  (Now, either someone is DESPERATELY trying to get laid here, or no one bothered to pay the electric bill.  Did I mention it’s BROAD DAYLIGHT outside?)

“This Mood Lighting is nice and all, but it’s kind of unnecessary . . .  All Stefan has to do, usually, is look at me, and I’m immediately down for a good screw!  Just ask Aunt Jenna.

Trevor then ties Elena up on the couch, and starts sniffing at her, like a dog in heat.

“Dude, you just ATE!  Stop being such a pig, or you’ll lose that girlish figure!”

“Just a taste,” promises Trevor, echoing the words of every failed dieter in the world!

Then, the titular “Rose” enters the room, and spoils all of Trevor’s fun.  “Trevor, control yourself,” Rose lectures sternly.

“Buzzkill,” mutters Trevor, like a petulant child.

Then, suddenly, although I honestly don’t recall her ever being untied, Elena is up and about, and chatting with Rose.

“How the heck did you get off that couch, Magic Lady?  I thought Trevor said he tied those ropes tight?  Idiot!  It just goes to show you, that just because someone eats boyscouts, doesn’t mean they can tie knots, like them.”

Just like everybody else on this show, Rose remarks about how much Elena looks Katherine.

 Well, they ARE played by the same person!  Duh!

But when Elena starts peppering Rose with annoying questions (“What do you want from me?”), Rose decides to pop her one, right in the mouth (“I want you to be quiet.”).

“Look!  I’m FLYING!  Whheeeeeeeee!”

The massive blow, knocks Elena unconscious.  But, of course, doesn’t leave so much of a scratch on that flawless face of hers.

I’m too pretty to bruise.  Bruising is for NORMAL (a.k.a. Ugly) People . . .”

Upon regaining consciousness, Elena overhears Rose and Trevor, talking about some dude named Elijah . . .

Not that one . . .

 . . . to whom they are offering Elena, in exchange for their own freedom from persecution.  A little later, Elena and Rose hold their own little Plot Explanation Pow Wow.  During this exchange, Rose tells Elena that only the blood of Katherine Petrova’s Doppelganger can break the Moonstone Curse that Katherine created.  Apparently, this Elijah is one of the Volturi from Twilight First Vampires . . .

 . . . who Katherine majorly screwed over, by starting the Moonstone Curse, about 500 years ago.  Then, Rose and Trevor (well . . . Trevor . . . but Rose surpervised) helped Katherine escape the Volturi First Vampires, and, in doing so, painted big targets on their backs.  Tired of running from Dakota Fanning (and who could blame them?), Rose and Trevor, hope to exchange Elena for a “reduced sentence” of some sort from the First Vampires.

So, Katherine was TOTALLY telling the truth, that night in the tomb.  Go figure!

Damn that Dakota Fanning!  She annoyed the crap out of me during War of the Worlds!  As soon as I get out of this Hidey Hole, B*tch is going down!”

(By the way, “Trevor” seemed like kind of a Mental Midget, during most of the episode, but I LOVED when he called Elena “Doppelicious.”  I may have to “borrow” that for future recaps . . .)

Bonnie gets more nose bleeds / uses a spell to pass Elena a note in class . . .

Thank you CW trailer for this VERY cheesy screencap.   I couldn’t have done it without you . . .

Back at the Gilbert home, in what was, for me, the only weak part of this AMAZING episode, Bonnie and Jeremy sat around making googly eyes at one another and playing with Bonnie’s Grimmore . . . Grinmore . . . Gremlin, whatever the heck she calls her spellbook.

“Hey, Mini Gilbert.  Since we are already in bed together, what do you say we try put that Sex Spell you seemed so excited about last week?”

During most of their scenes together this week, Bonnie is bitching to Jeremy about how she’s all alone at being a witch, and blah, blah, blah.  Likewise, Jeremy admits to being alone in his emo-ness.  I smell a LOVE CONNECTION! 

However, in a rare moment of NOT thinking about herself, Bonnie asks Jeremy for Elena’s hairbrush.  Apparently, Elena’s a dirty girl, who never cleans the hair out of her brush (I bet she clogs the heck out of the shower too!). 

But fear not!  This is GOOD NEWS!  There are enough luscious locks in Elena’s brush for Bonnie to perform a spell on a crumbled piece of notebook paper, causing it to burst into flames.  (Ummm . . . wouldn’t it have been easier to use a lighter, Firestarter?)

Although, just a few weeks back, Bonnie lit an entire PARKING LOT on fire, to get back at Damon for trying to kill a newly vamped out Caroline — burning this piece of paper is apparently too much for her.  It causes her to pass out, with more blood dripping from her nose.  Jeremy is understandably concerned, and rushes to touch her boobies get her some water . . .

But Bonnie ends up being fine.  And, more importantly, Elena, who is still locked away in that Creepy House with the Candles (Yet, she’s not tied up, which makes me wonder why she didn’t just walk out the door.), gets Bonnie’s message: “Stefan and Damon are coming for you.”

Road Trip Bonding

Kudos to my favorite vampire brothers for GENUINELY opening up to one another, during their little ride to Elena’s Rescue.  At first, they just made snarky small talk.  (“Boy, Alaric sure likes his weapons.”)  However, eventually, things got a lot more personal . . .

Initially, Damon seems reluctant to acknowledge the “roar of the Elephant in the room” (His terminology, not mine — Elephant are more whiny, than roar-y, don’t you think?)

“Whatever, Picky Recapper!  I’m a Vampire, not a Friggin Zoologist!”

However, Stefan seems surprisingly eager to talk about Damon’s love life, and specifically, his Big Bro’s desire to bone his “ex” girlfriend.  (Apparently, the Gilbert T.M.I. Syndrome must be contagious . . .)   “We both know [your going on this trip] has nothing to do with me . . .  You love [Elena], just as much as I do.”

Others (like Isobel and Katherine) have mentioned Damon’s love for Elena before, but never has he heard these words come out of his brother’s mouth.  It makes him uncomfortable.  “I can step out of this car, just like I stepped in,” remarks Damon defensively.

“That’s the beauty of it,” replies Stefan glibly.  “You can’t.”

Later, while Damon is chugging on his “juice box” of human blood, Stefan asks for a taste.  Damon looks skeptical.  So, Stefan comes clean about his gradual building up of a tolerance to human blood.  When Damon inquires as to where Stefan has been getting his daily fix, Stefan admits that it comes from Elena. 

“How romantic,” remarks a clearly jealous, Damon, undoubtedly recalling all the times when HE might have enjoyed a taste.

Like, for example, THIS one . . .

Eager not to fill his head with thoughts of his brother sucking on the woman he loves, Damon quickly changes the subject.  He opts instead to take a trip down memory lane.  “Remember when you were this Big Bad Vampire?”  Damon inquires.

“You mean more like you?”  Stefan retorts.

“Exactly . . . what happened to that guy?  He was a hoot!”

Stefan Salvatore:  A Real “Fun Guy!”

“I guess he found something else to live for,” remarks Stefan wisely.

(Hmmm . . . interesting . . . if Stefan used to be “just like Damon,” but he changed, due to finding a “higher purpose,” could Damon reform himself, as a result of his love for Elena?  And if he could, would we WANT him to?  After all, just like Rose admitted to Elena, when she talked of possibly being “set up” with Stefan, back in the day, I’m more of a sucker for the Bad Boy.  Always have been . . . always will be.)

Upon arriving at their destination, Damon is uncharacteristically cautious, warning Stefan that the vampires inside Creepy House with the Candles are over 500-years old and, therefore, VERY dangerous.  Is Stefan sure that he wants to do this?

“I can’t think of a better reason to die,” replies Stefan defiantly.

“Good line, Bro . . . INTENSE!  I’ll have to remember that one for later.”

Enter Elijah

Back in the Creepy House with the Candles, Trevor starts freaking out about the impending arrival of Evil Elijah. 

(Brief biblical note: In the Old Testament, Elijah is the guy that goes around to people’s houses during holidays, drinking their wine.  So, you’re always supposed to leave a place for him at the table . . . so he doesn’t drink YOURS.  Kind of a fitting name for a Thirsty Old Vampire, Don’t you think?)

“Hey Rose!  Great party!  Got anyone to drink?”

Elena must have developed a bit of Stockholm Syndrome, because she honestly seems to feel really bad for her captors, upon seeing the abject terror in their faces, when Elijah comes to the door.  Looking remarkably dapper in his expensive suit, and coiffed hairdo, Elijah walks around Creepy House with the Candles like he owns the place.  After twice promising Rose and her “pet,” Trevor, a pardon, in exchange for Elena, Elijah is introduced to Katherine’s doppelganger.  Upon smelling Elena (Seriously?  What’s with all these Sniffing, Vampires?  Just bite people.  It’s WAY sexier!), he confirms she is “human.”

Wisely, Elena makes a play for her own freedom, by offering to show Elijah where Katherine’s moonstone is, if he will let her go free.  But, Elijah’s no dummy either.  Ripping off Elena’s vervain necklace, Elijah compels Elena to tell him the moonstone’s whereabouts.  She does so helplessly, destroying her only bargaining chip, in the process.

Elena’s vulnerability to compulsion (something we have NEVER seen up to this point, as she has always been protected by vervain) will become important at the end of the episode.  It also confused me a bit, because I was certain that Elena, not only wore a vervain necklace, but also ate a steady diet of vervain, precisely to protect herself from this sort of thing. 

Well, if she hasn’t been eating vervain, I’m sure she will start now.  But if she has . . . could she have been FAKING?  I HOPE SO!  I HOPE SO!

Oh . . . and I almost forgot . . . Elijah totally decapitated Poor Trevor (though it’s honestly hard to call a maneater like that “poor”).  He did agree to let Rose live, however, which illustrates some moral principals on his part . . .

Suddenly, in a scene that harkened back to those cheesy CGI “fog and crow” scenes from the pilot episode, Damon and Stefan wisk themselves into Creepy House with the Candles, and start flying around the room at warp speed.  Stefan grabs Elena away from Elijah, and pushes her up against the wall, silently instructing her to be quiet.  Then Damon does the same thing to Rose.

Elena then pretends to willingly return to Elijah’s clutches.   And that’s when Alaric’s Arsenal of Crazy Vampire Weapons comes out to play.  There are Harpoons, and Balls of Fire, and Weird Guns that Shoot out Bolts of Light.  If Yoda was here, I would think I was watching a remake of Star Wars.

“The force is strong with you, Salvatores!”

Not much for Fancy Schmancy Weapons, the Old School Elijah, opts in stead for a good old fashioned stake, fashioned from the bannister of Creepy House with the Candles’ staircase, which he and Stefan have just tumbled down, during a rather energetic fight scene.  Damon likes old-fashioned weapons too.  And he sticks a MASSIVE PIECE OF BANNISTER right inside Elijah!

And, even though it was DAMON who dealt the final blow, it is into her “ex” boyfriend Stefan’s arms that Elena runs.  OUCH! 

To his credit, Damon is way cooler about the rejection than I would be.  He even manages to fake a smile at Elena, when she mouths her not-nearly-enough, under the circumstances, “Thank you,” to him, toward the end of the scene.

I know this is a picture of Angry Damon.  But, actually, I included it to show you what MY face looked like during the scene.  Damon WAS, as I said, smiling at the time . . .

Also, Elena told the boys not to kill Rose . . . See what I mean, about the “Stockholm Syndrome?” 

And yet, Rose, does in fact, seem to have good intentions at heart, when she approaches Stefan at La Casa de Rich and Awesome, and offers to help him fend off the First Vampires, most notably, some dude called Klaus (who, anyone who read The Vampire Diaries books could tell you, is a Big Bad Guy.)  Apparently, Rose was good buds with Stefan’s now Dead-Dead pal Lexie, who, once upon a time, told Rose that Stefan was “one of the good ones.”  Now Sans Mental Midget Trevor, Rose also doesn’t want to be alone . . .

“I Needed My Brother.”

Not wanting to be alone . . . That was a real theme running throughout this episode, wasn’t it?  Think about it . . . loneliness was something shared by Tyler and Caroline, Bonnie and Jeremy, Rose . . . and . . . well I guess she really IS alone now, isn’t she?  Loneliness also comes into play, during this important exchange between Stefan and Damon.

Stefan enters the living room of La Casa de Rich and Awesome to find Damon . . . drinking, of course.

Wouldn’t YOU be drinking, after a day like he had?

And it is in that moment that Stefan decides to say something to Damon that he has NEVER said in the whole 145 years they have been vampires together.  He is SORRY.  Stefan finally apologizes for making Damon turn vamp, all those years ago.  “I was selfish,” Stefan explains.  “I didn’t want to be alone.  I needed my brother.”

Of course, Damon is heartened by Stefan’s apology.  But it is his brother’s discussion of “selfishness” that inspires Damon to do what he does next . . .

“I Can’t Be Selfish With You.”

You know what was so amazing about this scene (aside from the obvious, of course)?  The way it so expertly tied together so many previous interactions between and Elena.  Damon’s appearance in Elena’s room, and genuinely selfless declaration of love, harkened back to the much more selfish and frantic bedroom declarations, he made, back during “The Return.” Also,  Damon’s withholding of Elena’s vervain necklace, harkened back to my FAVORITE Delena scene from season 1, during which Damon refuses to compel Elena, despite her handing that very same necklace to him, as a declaration of mutual trust and honesty.

Because I love the scene so very much, I’m going to embed it in its entirety, right here, for your viewing pleasure.  I just hope that the CW doesn’t take it off YouTube, before you get the chance to re-view it . . . So here goes:

Just in case you didn’t catch it all (or they removed the video), here’s EXACTLY what Damon said in his final speech to Elena:

“What I am about to say is . . . probably the most selfish thing I’ve ever said in my life . . . I just have to say it once.  You just need to hear it.  I love you Elena. And it’s because I love you that…. I can’t be selfish with you, and why you can’t know this.  I don’t deserve you.  But my brother does.  God, I wish you didn’t have to forget this.  But you do.”

(Oh, and he also told her she had cute P.J.s, :))

Obviously, there is so much about this scene that is open for debate, which is one of the many things I love about this show.  Was Elena really compelled, or had she faked it, as she has so many times in the past?  Her shocked expression at the end of the scene could really be interpreted either way . . .

Was Elena effected by Damon’s SELFLESS declaration of love, in a different way than she was by the SELFISH one, he made during the Season 2 premiere?  I think so! 

Watch the way she looks at him, while he speaks to her.  Observe the way her eyes close, when he chastely kisses her on the forehead, in contrast to the aggressive Face Rape he subjected her to in “The Return.”  Except, this time, it seemed like Elena was hoping that Damon WOULD kiss her on the lips . . . and that maybe, just maybe . . . if he had, she would have kissed back this time.

After all, this is the “Good Damon” that Elena saw beneath all of that darkness, during Season 1, and the one she thought was lost to her forever, in the beginning of Season 2.

Another question we might all be asking ourselves, is whether Damon is right in what he says?  Can he ever really deserve Elena, after what he did to Jeremy in “The Return?”  It’s interesting that when Damon utters the line “I don’t deserve you, Elena,” the lyrics to the song playing in the background say, “I was wrong.” 

(Is the song right, in what it says?  Is Damon “wrong” to give up Elena, when he loves her so deeply, because he feels that Stefan is who is “best” for her?)

Just some food for thought . . . 😉

Oh, and that Elijah guy . . . he ended up being Not-So-Much Dead, after all.  Go figure!

Thanks for making it all the way through this insanely LONG recap!  See you next week, TVD’ers!

[www.juliekushner.com]

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Filed under The Vampire Diaries

Hooked on V, Worked for ME! – A Recap of True Blood’s “9 Crimes”

Welcome back, Fangbangers!  After having a week off to enjoy some fireworks, eat burnt barbecued weiners, and get wasted on cheap beer, our favorite Bon Temps residents returned this week to do even more BAD THINGS.  As you may have noticed from the title of this post, this True Blood episode was entitled “9 Crimes.”  Since, to my knowledge, the title was never explicitly explained in the context of the episode, this forced me to break out my trusty old Criminal Law book . . .

Lo and behold, there were NINE CRIMES committed during this episode.   These crimes were (in no particular order): breaking and entering (Tommy Merlotte at Sam’s house); theft (Tommy from Sam again); squatting (Sam’s white trash biological family); falsifying evidence (Andy Bellefleur re: the circumstances surrounding Egg’s death); extortion (Jason to Andy re: same); dealing illegal narcotics (Eric, Pam, Lafayette re: V); kidnapping (Franklin to Tara); assault and battery (Franklin to Tara); murder? (Lorena, Bill, and Russell to that stripper chick – implied).  Actually, there were way MORE than nine crimes committed in this episode. But this is True Blood, not Law and Order.  And there’s really no need to get technical . . .

So, without further adieu, let’s get criminal.  Shall we?

Alcide Gets Shirtless.  TV Recapper Wins Twenty Bucks

Clearly Joe Manganiello is basking in the glory of our mutual win.  Hence, the cool shades . . .

Not to toot my own horn, but . . .

Toot, Toot!

Last week, I entered into a friendly wager as to when Joe Manangiello’s character Alcide Herveaux, would take off his shirt, and reveal those god-like man pects of his.  I bet that THIS would be the week he did it.  The VERY FIRST SCENE of the episode proved me right!

Now, even though Alcide is very much the “new suitor in town,” and I am still a Sookie / Eric girl all the way . . .

. . . I must admit that the chemistry between these two was pretty palpable.  And the fact that they were both obviously fighting their feelings for one another, made the whole scene even hotter. 

When the episode begins, Sookie is in Alcide’s bedroom, “nursing” his wounds, all of which are conveniently located in the oh-so-sexy abdominal and lower back region.  (See?  Even Evil Drug Addicted Werewolves can appreciate the value of a pretty face.  Alcide’s didn’t have a scratch on it.) 

As Sookie fondles him  treats his wounds, the two discuss Alcide’s ex, Debbie.  Feeling obvious sympathy for Alcide’s “man pain,” Sookie allows her hand to linger affectionately on his shoulder.  In a highly sexually charged moment, Alcide notices the hand, and looks at Sookie.   They share “a moment.”  A moment that is interrupted when Cock Block Bill calls . . .

It Takes a “Real Man” to Dump His Lady, Via Telephone (and by “Real Man,” I mean “Spineless Turd”)

“Can you hear me now, A**HOLE?”

Yep, this was the episode where Bill “dumped” Sookie, to save her from a life of boredom and bad sex danger, sadness, and lethal threats from powerful vampires.  Oh, and this wasn’t your Garden Variety Dump, either.  Bill may be dull beneath the sheets, but when it comes to making a girl feel like crap, this dude is a CHAMP! 

In this lovely conversation, Bill tells Sookie that he has VOLUNTARILY left her, and that he is now with Lorena.  “Me and Lorena just made love.  We f*&ked like only two vampires can,” explains Bill, conversationally, bringing back to my mind that oh-so-passionate “head-turning” scene from the last episode.

Yeah . . . thanks for the memories, Vampire Bill.

I REALLY wanted the typically Spunky Sookie to fight back, after receiving this AWFUL treatment from the guy who had, just a few episodes back PROPOSED to her.  But, I guess she was caught off guard.  Because, despite all the d-bag things Bill was saying to her, Sookie just kept blubbering on and begging him to reconsider.  HELLO!   HE CHEATED ON YOU . . . with HER . . .

 . . . and told you SHE was better in bed than YOU.  What more evidence do you need to BEAT this MO FO?

“Don’t try to find me.  I do not wish to be found,” Bill finally concludes, before HANGING UP ON HER!

“Oh no you di-n’t!”

Alcide tries to comfort Sookie, having recently experienced a similar dumping of his own, at the hands of Trashy Debbie.  Unfortunately, the wolfman appears to be missing a sensitivity chip.  “No matter how well you think you know someone, they always end up kicking you in the nut sack,” Alcide sweetly offers.

“I don’t have a nut sack,” replies Sookie, dumbfounded.

You do now . . .

Alcide then puts his big muscular manly arm around Sookie  She inexplicably sniffs his armpit (yum), and nestles her head in his chest.  “You feel so warm,” she says flirtatiously (Good ole Sookie, always a STAR at hitting on men, even when in the midst of a crisis).

“It’s a werewolf thing.  We always run hot,” replies Alcide.

Truer words have never been spoken . . .

Gentlemanly Alcide, not wanting to take advantage of Sookie during her time of need (damn!), rises from the bed (no pun intended).  “You probably want some privacy,” he mutters.

“That’s the last thing I want,” answers Sookie, coyly.  (Wow, the girl is RELENTLESS.)

“Well . . . let me at least put a shirt on,” Alcide demands, before leaving the room.

Did he just say what I think he said?  A boy in True Blood who WANTS to keep his shirt on?  He MUST be new . . .

A Dream is a Wish Your Weiner Makes . . .

You know who has NO problem taking his shirt off, and taking advantage of Sookie during her time of need?  THIS GUY . . .

A few scenes later, we see our favorite Viking Vampire standing outside Sookie’s window.  The only problem?  Sookie’s window is on the third floor.  “Can all vampires fly?”  Sookie inquires, after inviting the second hunk of the evening into her bedroom.  (Girl wastes NO TIME.)

“Can all humans sing?” Eric quips in response, as he moves toward her seductively.  “How goes the search?”

“Turns out [Lousy Lay, Phone Dumper Bill] is not what I was looking for,” Sookie replies, grabbing Eric’s open black shirt with her fingers and clawing at its buttons.

She inhales Eric’s scent (apparently, girlfriend REALLY likes to sniff), and is taken aback by the fact that he has one.  “You smell like the ocean in winter.  Bill doesn’t smell like anything at all.  How is that possible?”

That’s because Bill is BORING and I am AWESOME!  It’s not possible,” whispers Eric, who is so turned on by Sookie, that he has been rendered completely incapable of making snarky and very obvious comebacks about Bill’s lack of stamina.  His eyes roll back in his head in ecstacy.

“You used to play by the North Sea as a boy,” explains Sookie.

Eric’s eyes widen.  He blinks back tears.  He has never met anyone who understood him this way, who saw him as more than a cold (but very hot) vampire enforcer.  “I can smell your memories,” continues Sookie.  “I’ve got skills you can’t even dream about.”

Suddenly, the two are kissing one another ferociously, hands in eachothers’ hair, nails clawing at eachother’s necks.  And it’s SO HOT and DIRTY, it makes the previous scene with Alcide look like Sesame Street.  Sookie pushes Eric down on the bed, and allows her nightgown to fly away with the breeze from the open window, leaving her in just a bra and panties.  She straddles him and says, “Want some more?”

But her voice sounds different . . . because it isn’t her . . . It’s Yvetta.  Eric “awakens” in Fangtasia.  Yvetta is giving him a lapdance.  The sex scene . . . it wasn’t real.  Eric looks depressed.  So are we . . .

Sam and his Stray Dogs (and Baby Vampires)

“The most exciting thing about my trailer trash family storyline is ME, and how good I look with my shirt off.  Too bad you didn’t get to see it this week.”

Sam wakes up in the middle of the night to find a “bird” trying to get into his safe.  Of course, the “bird” is none other than his ass hat new brother, Tommy.  Sam responds to this breaking and entering / theft by OFFERING TOMMY A JOB AT MERLOTTE’S!  Huh?

“What? I don’t look like a model employee to you?”

Santa Sam also offers to get his Ma and Pa a place to live, when he learns that they’ve been kicked out of their home, and have been squatting in his parking lot for days.  Bad Move, Santa!  I know they are supposed to be his family and all, but I just don’t trust these folks.

In addition to rescuing Ma, Pa, and Tommy, Sam also offers a waitressing job to the now-orphaned Vampire Jessica, a plot development I am actually really excited about.

“Welcome to Merlotte’s can I take your order?  Tonight’s specials include a nice big bite on your neck, and a highly painful death.”

The only problem is that, now that she is out in the open, Vampire Jessica is bound to run into people from her previous life.  This means she’s going to have to keep “glamouring” cute boys into forgetting her existence, like that adorable little bible thumper, who visited her in the bar during this episode.  But, hey, at least that means she can’t meet other men.  So, there is still hope for Hoyt . . .

I miss these two together.

Tara Thornton Can’t Catch a Break . . .

“Sookie gets Alcide and Eric in a SINGLE episode, and I get THIS?  Are you SERIOUS?”

Things just went from bad to worse for Poor Tara, after she was forced to let Franklin into her home, at the end of last week’s episode.  First, Franklin glamoured her into giving up information about Sookie’s relationship with Bill.  He then used her as a puppet, putting words into her mouth, when she called Sookie to ascertain the girl’s whereabouts.   According to Franklin, his “employer” was interested in finding Sookie.  But we don’t know who that is yet.  Or do we?

Franklin then threw Tara up against the wall and gave her the nastiest tongue kiss EVER, before tying her up and gagging her in Sookie’s home!  The next day, Franklin kidnaps Tara and takes her on a little “road trip”  to see none other than the Big Gay Vampire of Mississippi, and Bill’s new boss himself, Russel Edgington.

Is it just me, or does this guy have his nose in EVERY plotline this season.  Russel is SO the new maenad!

To add further insult to injury, Russel’s boy toy, Talbot, thinks Franklin brought Tara as food, and he’s NOT INTERESTED.  “Ugh, she’s skinny,” he scoffs.  Ouch.

“Were”‘s The Beef?

Although initially reluctant to help Sookie continue her search for ass hat Bill (He even called her a “doormat,” lol.), Alcide ultimately changes his mind when he learns from Sookie that his ex Debbie is hooked on V, and getting initiated into the Evil Operation Werewolf pack that night.  Sookie found this information out from Alcide’s cool, albeit uber-trashy, hairdresser sister, Janice, who was WAY disappointed when she found out Sookie wasn’t already boning Alcide.

When Janice learns that Sookie is heading back to Lou Pine’s were bar, she eagerly offers to give Sookie a “make under” so that she will fit in better.  Apparently, the werewolves in Mississippi left their fashion sense back in the 1980s, and country girl Sookie is just way too wholesome (and modern) to mesh well with the rest of the gang.  Unfortunately, I couldn’t find a picture of the actual Skanky Sookie, but I CAN tell you, that she ended up looking something like THIS . . .

 . . . except with a black wig, instead of a pink one, and .  . . you know . . . NOT Natalie Portman.  But you get the idea.

At Lou Pine’s, Alcide has a painful run in with Fug Debbie and her Hideously Greasy She Mullet.  (Would someone explain to me WHY a guy like Alcide would EVER consider dating a girl like THAT, let alone pine for her?  Because to me, it just defies explanation.) 

In a conversation that closely paralleled Sookie’s with Bill, Debbie tells Alcide she’s moved on to a better man, or perhaps more accurately, a better wolf — a wolf who’s name is just an “er” ending short of being REALLY unfortunate.

“The fact that you are hot, and have muscles, is the ONLY reason you didn’t get your ass kicked in elementary school . . . COOTER.”

Debbie’s initiation ceremony begins with a familiar face meeting her on stage . . . Bet you can’t guess who .  . .

I TOLD you, he gets his nose in everything!  So, apparently, Russel has been the V supplier of these werewolves all along.  The wolfmen bow down to him, as he bites his own wrist, and allows its blood to leak into a bevy of shot glasses.  All of the wolves drink the blood eagerly, except for Alcide, of course, and Debbie, who isn’t aloud to drink or else “her brand will heal.”   Debbie screams in pain, as she is fondled by a bunch of ugly weres and marked with a hot cattle brand.  I’d actually feel bad for her, if she wasn’t such a raging b&tch.

Then, either because it’s a full moon, or because they simply got excited by the branding ceremony, the entire bar starts to morph into actual werewolves, including Alcide.  His eyes yellow, as he literally BARKS at Sookie to run away.  Elsewhere, Vampire Bill is alerted to her danger by his internal Sookie Alarm, which apparently is unaware that the two have already broken up.

Mr. Bill has Gone BAD!

This week, Vampire Bill continued his downward spiral into vampiric evil.  Last week, I admitted thinking that his  recent evil deeds kind of made him seem interesting and hot.  This week?  Not so much . . .

After breaking Sookie’s heart into a thousand pieces, Vampire Bill had another joyless roll in the hay with Evil Lorena.  He then literally threw her out of his room.  With Lorena’s nasty sex juices still on his body, he went downstairs to have a little chat with Big Gay Vampire of Mississippi, Russel.

There he is again.  Busy little bee, that Russel.

Bill offered Russel information about Queen Sophie’s commandeering of Vampire Eric to illegally deal V in Louisianna.  (What?  Do ALL Vampire Kings deal their own blood now?)  He did this in exchange for the death of Lorena, the lady he just laid.  So, basically, Bill screwed Lorena (twice), as well as, Eric, Pam, and Queen Sophie, in just a matter of minutes.  And Eric said Bill didn’t have stamina . . .

Later that evening, at Russel’s behest, Bill finds a sad young stripper for Russel and Lorena to eat.  He watches her be tortured to death for a little while, before taking a few bites for himself.  How’s that for a gentleman?

“At least after I ate, I said thankyou.”

A Kinder, More Sensitive Vampire Eric (who still knows how to kick some ass)

If Vampire Bill was showing his dark side this week, and displaying his truly douchy qualities, Vampire Eric was doing quite the opposite.  In addition to sweetly pining over Sookie during the episode’s first half, Eric also came to Lafayette’s rescue when he got into some trouble, while trying to deal V to some uninterested clients.  He also ingeniously nicknamed Lafayette, “RuPaul.”

 Good one, Eric!  Fellow Nickname Champ, Sawyer (from Lost) would be proud!

As the two drove away in Lafayette’s brand new ride, provided to him by Eric himself, Eric attempted to give the adorable gay man advice on “sales techniques” and “catering to different demographics.”

“Hooker, I am SO Team Eric now.  You have NO idea!”

Unfortunately, the bromantic buddy session was cut short, when Eric learned that the “Magister” was raiding Fangtasia.  Apparently, after his informative conversation with Vampire Bill, the annoyingly omnipresent Russel Edgington tipped off the Magister to Eric’s V dealings.  When Eric returns to the bar, he finds his “child” Vampire Pam, being bound and tortured by the Magister’s goons.

The good news is, you get to be a series regular this season, Vampire Pam.  The bad news is, it looks like you get to spend a good portion of the season as damsel in distress. . .

When the Magister threatens Vampire Pam’s life, Vampire Eric is visually distressed over the thought of losing his “child.”  He will do anything to save her, even if it means throwing Vampire Bill under the bus for being behind the V dealing.

Payback’s a b&tch, isn’t it, Vampire Bill?

In OTHER news. . .

Andy Bellefleur is the new sheriff of Bon Temps!

And while I think Andy will make a FABULOUS sheriff, I couldn’t help but giggle at fellow cop, Kenya, and her sour grapes assessment of the whole thing.  “Apparently, all you need to do to become sheriff in this town, is drink like a fish, hallucinate farm animals, and shoot potential murder suspects.”

Special thanks to Kenya for reminding me of one of my FAVORITE running jokes from Season 2. 

Also, the typically angelic (and gorgeous) Jason Stackhouse . . .

. . . was uncharacteristically a**hole-esque this week, when he picked on a high school football star out of jealousy, and tried to blackmail Andy into making Jason into a cop, without having to go through the proper protocol.  And while I was really MAD at Jason, for treating his loyal pal so shabbily, if his actions pave the way for more “buddy cop” moments between these two in episodes to come, I think can manage to forgive it.

What I CAN’T forgive, however, was that Jason’s SHIRT was ON the entire episode!  Fix that next week, Alan Ball!  Please?

 

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