So, I’ve been thinking a lot about this, this past week. Do you want to know what I’ve decided makes the Dredd Doctors so terrifying?
It’s not the fact that I can never understand what the heck they are saying . . .
Or that they consider scuba masks with trench coats a fashion statement . . .
It’s not even that they enjoy finding creative ways to murder teenagers, because every villain on this show does that . . . (bo-ring!)
Honestly, the Dredd Doctors freak me out, because they are such unbelievable pigs!
You want to know why all your little medical experiments are such “failures”, Dredd Doctors?
Perhaps, it has something to do with the fact that you operate on your “patients” on top of cars . . .
. . . or on dirty floors and rusted operating tables . . .
. . . reusing the same bloody medical equipment over and over again . . .
. . . after “sterilizing” it in murky gross vomit water with little (but not cute) creatures living inside it . . .
. . . and then, after you operate, you leave all these kids’ wounds exposed, gory and festering . . .
They have these things called Bandaids now, Dredd Doctors. Maybe it’s time you learned to use them . . .
As if it wasn’t frustrating enough that the Dredd Doctors’ MO is murky at best: (Make the best wuzzle ever? Kill all the teenagers in Beacon Hills? Make everyone hallucinate for no conceivable reason? Turn Scott into a whiny b*tch?), they don’t even seem to be particularly good at their job!
A nice young studly doctor in a white lab coat, with a hospital full of sterile medical equipment, (not to mention lots and lots of bandaids!) would make way better wuzzles than these Dredd Dorks . . . just saying . . .
Anywhoo, let’s review, mmm-kay?
[As always, a special thanks to Andre, who somehow manages to make an episode that, to me, looked like a big ole ugly infected wound, into a work of screencapping art!]
Deaton Goes on Spring Break
Possibly because flights to Disney World, Vegas and Hawaii were too expensive (Since no one in Beacon Hills lives long enough to get themselves a pet, the vet business in Beacon Hills isn’t what it used to be.), Deaton decides to take his annual vacation to . . . a water treatment facility somewhere in Europe that is seemingly identical to the one in Beacon Hills?
Talk about a waste of frequent flier miles!
Apparently, the Dredd Doctors were there too. The Dredd Doctors just looooove water treatment facilities, which makes me really glad my liquid diet consists entirely of Sugar Free Energy Drinks and wine. Water is dangerous!
We know this particular water treatment facility is a hang out for the Dredd Doctors because it has their logo on it, the Ouroboros, which is basically a snake eating its tail. I don’t about you, but if I was a Franken Doctor, I would choose a mascot that inspired a bit more confidence . . .. like, for example, ANYTHING ELSE IN THE WHOLE WORLD!
Eating your own body parts is just a bad idea generally. I mean, I bite my nails on occasion, but you don’t see me listing it as a skill on my resume . . .
At the water treatment facility, Deaton meets Malia’s mom, the Desert Wolf, who helpfully kills Deaton’s Russian-accented friend, so that the two can have a “private conversation.” Why is Malia’s mom hanging out at a random water treatment facility in Europe? I don’t know. I decided to stop asking logical questions about this show around the same time Dead Peter became a ghost teenage version of himself, so that Lydia could dig up his grave and make out with his rotted corpse.
Anywhoo, Malia’s mom wants to kill Malia, supposedly, but hasn’t been able to do so for 18 years, even though she’s supposedly the best hit woman in the whole wide world.
Nice to meet you, Desert Wolf. You are going to fit right in on this show!
Meanwhile, back in Beacon Hills, Scott is frustrated, because Baby Wolf Liam has been kidnapped, and his Alpha Wolf nostrils can’t smell the kid anymore.
Damn you, Old Spice Deodorant! DAMN YOUUUUUUUU!!!!!
At the Adult Table . . .
Mama McCall is quickly becoming my second favorite character on this show. (First, is Stiles, obviously.) This makes me feel old and very uncool, but also like I have good taste, because Mama McCall is awesome. (Giving birth to Scott, notwithstanding.)
She calls her soon-to-be boyfriend, Sheriff Stilinski over to her house to help her with a rather pressing matter. “You’re a strong man, aren’t you Sheriff Stilinski?” Mama McCall inquires coyly. “Think you could help me move this monster teen’s corpse with Kira’s sword in it off my kitchen table for me? It is really hard to serve pot roast on top of her, as the murder weapon keeps getting in the way.”
“You do realize I have to report this dead body to the rest of the police department, don’t you?” Sheriff responds judgmentally.
“Oh, don’t be such a stick in the mud!” Mama McCall complains. “Teens on this show have the lifespans of fruit flies. Who is going to miss another dead one? This one didn’t even get a name. Now, move her, so I can eat my dinner!”
“No!” Sheriff Stilinski retorts. “This girl is dead and your son’s girlfriend killed her. I’m going to make sure she gets the death penalty, and try to get your son thrown in jail too, for having such awful taste in women. I’m not sure that’s a crime per se, but I’ll find a way to make it one.”
“Are you just behaving this way, so viewers will understand why Stiles is so freaked out about telling you he killed that punk who wanted to murder you in self-defense?” Mama McCall inquires.
“Pretty much,” responds Sheriff Stilinski.
So, Mama McCall does what any woman would do while hanging out with a corpse and a cop in the kitchen, she smacks Sheriff Stilinski in the face. “And to think, I was going to have sex with you on this murder table!” She mutters under her breath.
Mama McCall isn’t done having foreplay with Stiles’ dad yet though. She pops down to the station later on to file a police report about the dead body that is basically a recap of Seasons 1 through 5 of Teen Wolf.
“You know, I can’t file this, Melissa!” Sheriff Stilinski scolds. “There are way too many plot holes and inconsistent character development. Plus, who the heck is this Danny character? He’s around for four seasons, then he just disappears and everyone forgets he existed?”
Then, Mama McCall and Sheriff Stilinski start having hot angry hate sex right on Sheriff Stilinski’s desk . . . or at least they would if I wrote this episode . . .
Out on some random street, Kira is wandering around in a daze. So, Hayden’s sister tricks her into getting into the back of the cop car and arrests her for murder. Of course, she doesn’t read Kira her Miranda rights, so the arrest is totally invalid. But hey, at least they got the police code right. It’s 187 for homicide, like that 50 Cent song!
Kira’s dad confesses to the murder in Kira’s place, even though he totally thinks his daughter is a psycho fox killer, who will most definitely strike again. This makes him a good dad (better than Stiles’ dad!), but a bad member of society.
Meanwhile, over in the most unsanitary water treatment facility ever . . .
“Her condition worsens.”
The adorable Hayden and Liam are lying on matching operating tables, so that the Dredd Doctors can inject them with dirty water, and chop little pieces out of them for no logical reason. When the Dredd Doctors are done doing this, they leave the two teens on the dirty floor. They do this even though the operating tables aren’t in use, and it would make more sense to keep the teens on the tables, separated from one another, so they can’t (1) plot their escape; and (2) DIE FROM NASTY FLOOR INFECTIONS!
Liam tries to take Hayden’s pain from her by squeezing her hand in his own, but it doesn’t work, because his hands are not where Liam’s strength lies. (As we will find out, by the end of the episode, there are other parts of his body that are much stronger.)
Liam and Hayden are then taken to another room, where they meet another wuzzle, whose name is Zac, but whom, for purposes of convenience, I will call Exposition Chimera. Exposition Chimera helpfully tells Liam and Hayden that this is where the Dredd Doctors take all their failures, so they can morph into monsters, bleed silver, and then be subsequently murdered.
Exposition Chimera then shows Liam and Hayden his back, where he used to have wings, before the Dredd Doctors inexplicably chopped them off. We know they used to be wings, because the Dredd Doctors are terrible at using scissors, and only cut off ¾ of the wings, so that two p*nis-like stubs can stick out of Exposition Chimera’s back.
Having given us all the information we need for this episode, which, honestly, isn’t much, Exposition Chimera starts bleeding silver, and is subsequently dragged away by the Dredd Doctors.
“Don’t worry,” Liam reassures Hayden. “Scott will save us before we bleed silver.”
“Scott?” Hayden inquires. “Isn’t that your loser friend who took a nap, while we got kidnapped, and has asthma, but needed you to growl at him so that he could remember how to use his inhaler?”
“Yeah, that’s him,” Liam responds.
“We are SOOO dying!” Hayden replies.
We Interrupt this Important Plot Point to Bring You Deputy Parrish (a.k.a your friendly neighborhood Naked Garbage Man), in a Towel . . .
You are welcome . . .
Reading is Fun. . . damental
Teen Wolf continues its war against literacy, when Kira angrily throws her Dredd Doctor book against the wall. “Mom, I’m supposed to read this book for Scott’s book club. But it’s a really sucky book with boring villains, so I can’t finish it. Also, I’m illiterate this season, because I’m dumb as a fox. Get it? Dumb as a fox? See, that was a clever play on a well-known saying the likes of which you’d never read in this crappy book,” Kira complains.
“You should read the book backwards then,” Kira’s mom offers.
“But then I won’t understand it,” Kira argues.
“Which is exactly how fans feel about this Dredd Doctor plot . . .” Kira’s mom notes wisely.
Kira reads the book backwards, and it causes her to remember that time in the premiere episode, when the Dredd Doctors experimented on her right in the middle of a traffic jam on Highway 115, in front of thousands of people, but nobody cared or tried to stop it, including her parents, because most drivers are selfish bastards.
We interrupt this important plot point to bring you the first initial of Stiles’ real name
It’s “M”. Even though a few seasons back it was “G”.
You are welcome . . .
Finding Liam
Desperate to locate Baby Wolf and Little Miss Baby Wolf, an increasingly desperate Scott rapes the back of chimera Corey’s neck to tap into his memories. Evil Theo watches him do this, and silently reminds himself to wear turtlenecks every day for the rest of the season . . .
Once Corey’s neck has been successfully impregnated, Scott draws what he was thinking about during the whole neck fondling incident. It looks a bit like this . . .
Just kidding. He draws the water plant! Scott, Malia and Mason immediately head there to find the baby wolves, while Theo continues to grill Corey on the information that was conveniently left out during the whole neck rape thing, like WHERE IN THE HUGE WATER PLANT CHIMERAS ARE ACTUALLY KEPT.
Long story short. Scott, Malia and Mason wander around the water plant aimlessly for hours, while Scott cries for his mother, and puffs on his inhaler. Then, Theo rescues both Baby Wolves in about the amount of time it takes someone to take a leak after they drank a small glass of soda . . .
In the car, on the way home, Liam the PLAYA has come up with another idea on how to remove Hayden’s pain. He’s going to do it with his p*nis! Just kidding . . . it’s with his tongue. But still. Smooth, Liam, very smooth!
Theo creepily watches the pair of baby wolves eating each others’ faces off in his rearview mirror, and contemplates canceling his internet porn subscription. Between this, and his front row seat to the neck raping earlier this episode, he’s totally covered in the sexual desires department.
A Naked Garbage Man’s Job is Never Done
Back at the morgue, Parrish successfully mists an entire police force to steal yet another body, and is back on the job before you can say, “These cops are terrible!”
Parrish acts so shady throughout the whole episode that it’s pretty much as if he’s wearing a t-shirt that says, “The Naked Garbage Man: Carrying Dead Bodies to a Tree without Wearing any Underwear Since Episode 2.”
“I knew I should never have smoked those twelve doobies before coming to work. So incredibly baked right now.”
But just in case you happen to be illiterate like Kira, he also leaves his nametag at the scene for Lydia to find.
“For most people, this would be a total dating dealbreaker,” Lydia explains. “But if you’ve met any of my previous boyfriends, you’d know that psychopathy, multiple personality disorder, and a generalized fear of wearing clothes are pretty much my three biggest turn-ons.”
Scott has a Major Case of the Sads
Good news, Kira’s dad fans . . . or should I say, the one person who really likes Kira’s dad . . . who is probably Kira’s mom? No dead body equals no murder, so the cops have to let him go.
Once this happens, Kira and her family decide to skip town, so that Kira won’t accidentally murder someone and leave her dead body on his boyfriend’s mom’s kitchen table. (I mean, obviously, she’ll keep murdering people, she’ll just leave them on kitchen tables that don’t belong to her boyfriend’s mom.)
Kira’s fox self has been hitting the steroids hard, since it first appeared on the show . . .
Kira says goodbye to Scott, and the Lord is so sad about this that he cries raindrops down on them from Heaven. I’m not talking one or two tears here either. This is some serious ugly-face cry, bawling that’s going on here.
We end the episode with Scott sitting in a closet, holding the leash of a dead dog. The pathetic scene is pretty much a metaphor for the character’s super crappy life right now. “I am the worst True Alpha ever,” Scott mopes.
“Yeah, pretty much,” Mama McCall agrees. “Now, if you excuse me, I’m going to see if I can find Sheriff Stilinski on Tinder, so I can right swipe his ass all night long.”
Hey Fangbangers! So, we’re just a week away from the Season Finale of TVD. And characters are dropping like flies, here in Mystic Falls. You know, for supernatural beings, these folks sure DIE a lot (die . . . un-die . . . re-die . . . faux-die . . . tie dye . . . die again).
Sometimes it gets quite difficult to keep track of who’s dead, and who’s . . . well . . . undead. (But hey, that’s what recaps are for, right?)
So grab your morning paper, and your balls . . . er . . . I mean soccer balls . . . and head on over the Wickory Bridge to Mystic Falls . . . a Vampire Town with a Drinking Problem. We’re dying for you to join us . . . for a little TVD-cap.
Caroline: “Let’s play ‘Never Have I Ever!'”
Tyler: “Oooh . . . I got one! Never have I ever died on this show.”
Elena: “Umm . . . yeah you did!”
Tyler: “I know . . . but so did all of you! Everyone drink up!”
(As always, special thanks to my screencapper extraordinaire, for all the pretty pictures you see here. If I were Klaus, I’d draw him a pony for all his hard work and dedication . . .)
The episode begins with some creepy, and seemingly completely random Civil War photographs.
Awww . . . now THERE’S a nice, happy inspirational picture to hang up in your classroom!
Oh no! Not another flashback episode. I always hate those. Oh wait . . . I see what you did there, writers . . . Alaric’s a history teacher. Sometimes I forget he actually has an occupation aside from drinking and playing with his Chunky Monkey. And now he’s about to try to murder his own friends.
Is it just me, or does the toy on the horse look like he’s giving the other toys the finger?
Just like our ancestors murdered one another, back during that epic bloody battle.
This toy kind of looks like Klaus does at the end of the episode . . .
Man, I love when TVD gets all “deep” on us. It makes me feel “smart and sophisticated.” Now, I don’t have to watch PBS or the History Channel ever again.
Hey, did you ever notice how Alaric only seems to actually attend classes when he’s “not himself?” If you recall, Alarklaus taught history classes, back in Season 2. He even chaperoned the school dance!
Now, Nouveau Ric is hanging out at the high school as well, and on a weekend, no less! If only the Administration knew how mich being possessed improved Alaric’s work ethic, they probably would have done it themselves, a long time ago.
“I don’t even really like teaching. But the benefits are unmatched. And now that I have fangs, I could really use a good dental plan.”
Speaking of the academically inclined, 1,000-year old Rebekah is another character who seems to attend high school more than anyone else on the show. I mean, seriously, who volunteers to be on the 8 a.m. clean-up crew for a dance for which they spent the entire time lying dead in a coffin with a stake through their heart? Now, that’s dedication!
“Popularity is super important to me. After all, if I didn’t have friends? Who would I eat?”
But Rebekah’s not alone. Caroline’s on the clean-up crew too. Two blonde vampires picking up trash together . . . it’s a commercial for Garbage Woman Barbie!
I’m sorry. That was politically incorrect. Of course, I meant “Sanitation Worker Barbie.”
Typically at odds with one another in a “b*tch stole my look and my social life” sort of way, Caroline and Rebekah actually seem to be on their best behavior this morning. With their respective claws retracted, the two Alpha females even go as far as to exchange banal pleasantries with one another . . . like, for example, “Golly gee! I was so sorry to hear that your mother tried to murder you, stole your body, and is now definitely dead . . . again.”
And, “Oh yeah, same goes for that dead history teacher of yours. I know you really liked him. It’s a real shame that he decided to die just like your DAD rather than become an undead bloodsucker, like the two of us.”
Speaking of America’s favorite vampire slaying history teacher, Rebekah runs into Alaric . . . or, perhaps I should say, Nouveau Ric by the lockers. And suddenly, I’m having flashbacks of “The Reckoning.” (Remember that one . . . back when Klaus was still the Biggest Baddest Vampy in town, and Stefan still occasionally ate Elena . . . in more ways than one?)
Only this time, Rebekah is playing the role of the Damsel in Distress, for a change.
“Phew, your breath is rank, Nouveau Ric! What do you use to brush your teeth? Codfish?”
Fun times and Phallic Hijinks ensue, as the pair wrestle with the big shiny weiner-like object that is the Invisible Originals-Killing Stake. Vampire Barbie Caroline hears the commotion, and rushes to join Klaus Barbie in the fight. This is actually kind of erotic . . .
Caroline: “You know, this is the closest I’ve ever come to being in a threesome.”
Rebekah: *whistles uncomfortably*
Rebekah: “Hey! No fair! You can’t just pull it out like that? What do you think this is, the rhythm method?”
Of course, Caroline’s no dummy . . . at least, not in this episode. She knows when a fight is hers to lose. And this one has Death Trap written all over it. So, the littlest Forbes quite wisely makes a run for it. (It looks like the gym will have to be cleaned some other time. Hope no one was planning on using it for. . . like . . . actual physical education and stuff.)
Don’t you just hate it when you’re trying to get to your car (because some psycho killer wants to shove a big stake up your ass), and your door won’t open? Poor Caroline! It seems that, while you can indeed run from Vampire the Vampire Slayer, driving away from him is not an option, especially when you can’t get into your car. I hope the company that made Caroline’s car didn’t pay for THAT product placement.
Caroline: *sigh* “If only I had ONSTAR to help me to open my car door, in desperate situations like these.” *winks at camera*
Alaric knocks out Caroline with frightening ease, before dragging her temporarily unconscious, and always lifeless, body across the concrete, wheelbarrow-style. Ouch! She’s probably going to feel that in the morning. While all this is going down, we see Rebekah, in the distance, observing the situation with a mixture of horror and smugness. Undoubtedly, in this moment she is thinking, “Now, I’m the fairest of them all, B*tch! The Prom Queen title is MINE!”
“I’d help her out . . . but I don’t want to ruin my manicure.”
Oh, did I forget to mention that Alaric’s face is falling off?
Why do I suddenly feel like I’m watching the Thriller video?
Oh Esther, you silly little, pursed lips, completely lacking of facial expression, witchypoo, you! You would think that as the MOTHER OF ORIGINAL VAMPIRES, she would have at least remembered to give her little Frankenvampire creation a Sunscreen Ring, so that he could play with his fellow fangy friends in the daylight. (“But MOMMY, all the other vampires have them. NO FAIR!” I could picture Alaric whining, upon learning of this unfortunate turn of events.
“Snookie and the Situation lied. Gym, tanning and laundry are definitely overrated.”
But noooo Esther . . . you had to make him suffer unnecessarily, in furtherance of your stupid-totally-doomed-to-fail, because the Scoobies always win or there’d be no show brilliant Vampire Extinction Plan. Super Villain FAIL!
Then again, I guess you had your reasons . . . like the fact that the episode needed a title . . . and a Cinderella “They all turn back into pumpkins at midnight” type timeline to “heighten the intensity.”
“Mystic Falls, we have a problem . . . another one.”
Back at the Gilbert House of Death, Misery, and Hideous Floral Décor, siblings, Jeremy and Elena, are innocently painting not-so-dead Alaric’s bedroom a lovely shade of toothpaste green. (That will teach you not to DIE LIKE YOU ARE SUPPOSED TO, Alchy Ric! Now your bedroom vaguely resembles snot. I hope you are proud of yourself.)
If Alaric had a grave, he’d be rolling over in it . . . Then again, considering this is a guy who willingly decorates his classroom with pictures of dead people, and the Civil War equivalent of GI Joes, he’s not exactly an Arbiter of Taste, either.
Stefan arrives on the scene to offer his trademark Sad Smile (also, presumably to kill some time, since “Murder and Mayhem” don’t appear on his calendar today, until about noon. To say that Petulant Pouty Jeremy (Oh, how I missed your misery Jer Bear! Unhappiness is SO hot.) is less than thrilled to see one of his sister’s multiple undead suitors on the scene is the understatement of the century.
“I challenge you to a wet t-shirt contest.”
(Then again, it’s possible that Mini Gilbert is simply jealous of Elena’s popularity with members of the opposite sex . . . human or not. After all, his own ghost girlfriends seemed to have stopped calling him entirely. I mean things have to be REALLY bad in the relationship department, when women who lack corporeal bodies aren’t willing to bone you. I’ll bone you, Jer Bear!)
Let’s face it Jer, when she stops haunting you, while you’re on the toilet . . . she’s just not that into you.
“All I want is one day without vampires,” Jeremy gripes.
(And hey, considering we are one week away from the season finale of the show, Jeremy might get an ENTIRE summer without vampires . . . unless he watches True Blood.)
Though he tries to play it “cool,” Stefan seems a bit hurt by Jeremy’s statements. (It’s time to grow a thicker skin, Stefan! You would think that having been alive for nearly two centuries, you would have at least one or two insults lodged at you that were harsher than the equivalent of: “Vampires suck. I wish they’d stop trying to bone my sister.”)
“I know . . . it’s just . . I just finished watching The Notebook again. And I’m in a really vulnerable place, right now.”
This, obviously, puts Elena in an awkward position, as she tries to broker a fragile peace between all the men in her life. Fortunately she doesn’t have to broker for very long, before there is a knock at her door. Surprise! It’s the other man in her life . . . some would say the Best Man (I know I would!)
Still in her flapper costume, nearly 24 hours later. This takes Walk of Shame to a whole new level.
Of course, I’m referring to Damon, who’s currently hanging out on Elena’s doorstep with a Bloody Bonnie by his side . . . a bloody Bonnie, who he has undoubtedly scraped off the floor and fed his own blood, after a zombified version of herself gave him a migraine and let then-almost vampire Ric give her a massive hickey on her neck.
And they say Damon isn’t the forgiving type . . .
So now the Scooby Gang knows that Ric-ipoo is not-so-much-dead. The next challenge is for Bonnie to come up with the Witch Ex Machina to make him definitely dead. Oh Bonnie, you are sooo the Velma of your Scooby Gang . . . always stuck with your head in boring spell books, while everyone else is breaking sh*t, beating people up, and getting laid.
Sometimes, the truth hurts.
Meanwhile, over at La Casa de Richer and Awesomer, But Not as Well Furnished, it’s Rebekah’s turn to want to kiss Mystic Falls goodbye. Next week, it will be Klaus’ again . . . oh . . . wait . . . nevermind. But Klaus isn’t about to skip town without his prized bloodbag Elena. How else would he be able to create an unlimited array of hybrids who would be eternally gay for him (even the female ones)? Rebekah pleads for him to reconsider. After all, wasn’t the whole Hybrid Thing really just a convoluted end-run around being alone?
And hey, Klaus doesn’t NEED to be alone anymore. He has his family now . . . you know, the folks he carried around in coffins for hundreds of years, just for fun . . . well . . . except for his mother (dead), his father (deader), and Finn (deadest) . . . but Klaus never really liked them anyway, right?
Ahhh . . . but here’s the rub. Klaus’ family isn’t quite as gay for him as the hybrids are. They misbehave, have opinions of their own, occasionally fight back. Unacceptable!
It has been quite some time, since we got to see you kick some genuine ass. And no, I’m not just talking about your threatening to “kill everyone [insert name here] loves; or getting your hybrids to kick asses for you . . . I’m talking about honest-to-goodness acts of impressive villainy. “Before Sunset” finally allowed us to see some of that . . .
. . . annnnnd then Klaus died.
Shortly after he learned the truth about Nouveau Ric, Klaus paid a little visit to the Gilbert house to retrieve Princess Elena. The problem, of course, is that, unbeknownst to Klaus (and everyone else in the house, for that matter), Elena is out rescuing Caroline, whos’s been held hostage by Nouveau Ric at the school. To be honest, I don’t know if “rescuing” is ever a good word to describe for what Elena does for other people . . . since it always ends up with Elena in danger, and people coming to rescue her. Maybe what Elena does should become it’s own adjective: “Elena-ing.”
“Hmm . . . who’s number is this in my cell phone? TV Recapper? DELETE!”
Either way, neither the Salvatore Brothers, nor Mini Gilbert, have any intention of letting Klaus in the house. This, of course, pisses Klaus off royally. And so, he responds by doing what Klaus does best . . . He throws a temper tantrum.
Have you ever played that old video game, where you’re the Paperboy, and the object of the game is to get all the papers on your “route” to land on the stoop, as opposed to . . . hitting the neighbor’s dog, or breaking windows? Yeah . . . well, let’s just say Klaus has other strategies in mind.
. . . at the not-entirely-unsuspecting Salvatore Brothers, who are expertly ducking them all. It’s like one big crazy game of dodgeball!
I don’t know about what Klaus is doing. It sure seems like an awful lot of work to me just to get into a house. As another, much more talented recapper (Entertainment Weekly’s Mandi Bierly) than I pointed out, Klaus’ brother Elijah accomplished the exact same thing, with nothing more than the loose change in his pocket.
Also, not to point out the obvious, but what the heck are the Gilbert’s neighbors going to think about all this? Then again, given all the CRAZY INSANE-O things we’ve seen go on at the Gilbert house, these past three seasons, the fact that the neighbors NEVER ever thought to call the cops . . . or better yet move . . . probably means that they are all dead anyway. (Maybe Klaus ate them?)
Or Stefan . . .
Once the gang finally figures out where Elena actually is (thanks to a helpful call from Nouveau Ric, himself), it should come as no surprise to anyone that Saint Stefan is the one that encourages Klaus to join Team Scooby in it’s weekly installment of the “Save Elena” games. After all, they all want the same girl, right? They might as well work together to get her back.
“B*tch PLEASE!”
Never one to look a gift pony in the mouth (especially one he’s drawn), you can’t exactly blame Klaus for being a bit skeptical of the offer. In no uncertain terms, Klaus reminds Stefan that, if they defeat Nouveau Ric, Klaus WILL be leaving Mystic Falls with lover girl as his bloodbag. “Then I’ll go with you,” Stefan says, unfazed.
“And that’s why you’re the better option [for Elena],” Klaus remarks generously . . . thus proving that he will say whatever it takes to get back into the jock strap of his unrequited vampire love.
Long story short, Klaus isn’t about to give up the opportunity to have his blood bag, and eat Stefan’s weiner too. He’s SO in!
The question is, of course, if no stake on Earth can kill Ric, how are Bonnie and her Scooby Gang plus Klaus going to manage it? More on that, in a little bit . . .
Teacher’s Pet
That Nouveau Ric! He’s such a sweetie. Here he is giving up a fun weekend of binge drinking and blacking out to offer some private tutoring to his favorite students Caroline and Elena. The lesson of the day: Why Murdering Vampires Isn’t as Morally Reprehensible as You Might Think 101. Since this is an “interactive lesson” it involves Caroline being stabbed in the hand with a pencil, and gagged with vervain.
Oh, Alaric. You really haven’t thought this one through. How is she supposed to take notes?
Disturbing as this scene was, I liked the way it fleshed out (no pun intended) Alaric’s alter ego a bit more. In earlier episodes, the guy came off as nothing more than a raging lunatic. But this scene reminded us that Nouveau Ric, evil as he might be, still possesses all of Alaric’s old memories. He even . . . in his own twisted way . . . still cares about Elena . . . sort of. And when he tells the young woman that he came thisclose to formally adopting in his “other life,” that his vampire distrusting parents would be disappointed in some of Elena’s recent “life choices,” you can tell that he really believes it.
In a way, Nouveau Ric is kind of like a religious extremist or terrorist . . . so firm and single-minded in his beliefs, that he is willing to do whatever it takes to accomplish them . . . even if it doing it makes him a monster. Klaus tries to coax Elena into staking Caroline, under the theory, that her death will be more painful if Alaric himself carries it out.
“For the last time, I will NOT touch your stick, Ric! So, stop whipping it out, and waving it in my face!”
But surprisingly enough, the teenager outsmarts the dude with the Master’s degree, by pretending to try and stake him, while she douses his face with scalding-to-vampires vervain.
Now, Nouveau Ric is angry . . . and you wouldn’t like him, when he’s angry. . .
The Three Vamp-keteers . . . the Witch . . . and the Whipping Boy
Surprise! At the eleventh hour, Bonnie Ex Machina has discovered the key to temporarily killing . . . at least until the non-vampire Scooby Gang reaches their 30’s the seemingly unkillable Nouveau Ric. Specifically, Bonnie wants to use on Alaric the dessication spell, her absentee bio mom once used on the now definitely dead Mikael.
The catch is that she needs her lame-ass, cut-and-run, pays more attention to her pseudo-son/boyfriend than her, mother Abby, in order to accomplish the deed.
Now, I can’t STAND the useless, wimpy, cowardly character of Abby. And I would have much rather her stayed GONE. That said, I kind of love how the writers used her to express us recapper’s long standing complaint that the Salvatore’s house . . . which was specifically deeded over to the very human Elena back in Season 2 . . . now seems open to any and all vampires. Of course, most of the characters on the show consistently ignored this annoying anomaly until Abby.
Speaking in the voice of the writers, Damon explains that, when Elena “died” (for about two seconds) back in episode 221, the house reverted back to the Salvatores, at least in the spiritual sense (legally, it OBVIOUSLY still belongs to Elena). And so, since La Casa de Rich and Awesome is once again vampire owned, it is pretty much an Open House for every soon-to-be-dead guest star vampire around . . .you know . . . like Abby.
Anywhoo . . . Abby’s all “Nooo . . . dear daughter, who I abandoned, seemingly uncaring as to whether you lived or died . . . PLEASSSEEEE don’t do the Dessication spell! It involves BLACK MAGIC, and . . . temporarily killing a human by stopping their heart and . . . having vampires drink your blood again . . . and making your face look prematurely veiny. In other words, this is a big time Bad News Spell, child. It can f*&k you up, something fierce!”
Fortunately, Damon pipes in to say. “Hey, she’s Bonnie ex Machina. It’s her JOB to perform dangerous spells in the last ten minutes of every episode to save our asses.
Not that we pay her, or anything . . . because we don’t. But hey! If she didn’t do it, she might as well be another show . . . like The Secret Circle . . . or something.
It’s settled them! Black magic and veiny face be damned. Klaus, Stefan and Damon are going to temporarily incapacitate Nouveau Ric, and drink Bonnie’s blood . . . so that Bonnie can mumble in faux Latin . . . and do whatever it is she does on this show that constitutes “spell casting.”
Jeremy: “Umm . . . Bonnie . . . not to question your witchy ways or anything, but what exactly does grabbing my crotch repeatedly have to do with killing Nouveau Ric.”
Bonnie: *whistles awkwardly*
But here’s a question: what moronic human is idiotic enough to let Bonnie stop his heart, even temporarily, for the love of one teenage girl. Do you even have to ask? It’s Mini Gilbert of course. (Poor guy, even he performs acts of tremendous bravery, they always seem to involve him lying on his back, and having the crap kicked out of him by women. Life just isn’t fair.)
Oh, and did I mention that Bonnie “found” Caroline and Elena at the school, using her trusty iPhone GPS. Obligatory and Obnoxious Product Placement Alert!
Trying to determine whether your history teacher is an alien? There’s an app for that!
In which Elena gets an IDEA . . .
Though the Three Vamp-keteers put on a good show, of trying to tackle Nouveau Ric together at school (The diversion even enables Klaus to free, and subsequently make some serious sex eyes, at Caroline.) . . .
. . . their efforts to stake Nouveau Ric, while Bonnie fondles Jeremy’s chest, and attempts to stop his heart, are ultimately ineffective, and end with both Salvatore Brother down for the count.
Thus proving you can never be too old for nap time.
But worry not, because hope is not yet lost. Nouveau Ric’s staunch refusal to kill vampire lover Elena makes the doppelganger extremely suspicious . . . so, suspicious, in fact, that she takes a risk, and tries to slice open her own neck for sh*ts and giggles.
It’s a Do-It-Yourself Hickey . . .
The seemingly suicidal action causes Nouveau Ric to go batsh*t insane, thereby confirming Elena’s surprisingly clever hypothesis.
Apparently Nouveau Ric’s life is tied to Elena’s in the same way each other vampire’s life is tied to an Originals. So, if and when Elena dies, Nouveau Ric will die too. In other words, Alchy Ric isn’t actually a threat to Elena, even at his most vampire hater killingest. Problem solved . . .Elena has been saved . . . again . . . crisis averted, right?
WRONG!
Alert the media, Elena’s in danger again!
We come back from commercial to find out that sh*t has really hit the fan now. Somehow, Klaus managed to get away from Alaric, and took Elena with him. So, remember the Good Old Days, when Klaus used to want Elena to live, because he needed her blood bagging talents to make more hybrids? Apparently, not so much, anymore! All it took was one look at how powerful Nouveau Ric was, and Klaus completely flip-flopped on his Elena policy.
But you know Klaus . . . he’s all about the Evil Villain Monologue. So, instead of bleeding Elena dry as fast as possible, he decides to gossip with her, about which Salvatore Brother she loves more. DAMON! DAMON! IT’S GOTTA BE DAMON!
Of course, Elena doesn’t give an answer because it’s not the season finale yet. Actually she does answer Klaus’s question. Just not necessarily in the way we would have hoped . . .
Now, he’s draining her blood, in hopes of escaping with his own life in tact. Sure, it will mean that the amount of new hybrids Klaus can make are limited. But that’s a small price to pay for eternal life, right? And eternal life is exactly what Klaus will get once Elena and Alaric are dead? True?
Maybe not . . . you see . . . Klaus’ main henchman during the Elena Draining is none other than Tyler . . . Elena’s friend . . . Caroline’s boyfriend . . . and a self-de-sired hybrid, who, in his own words is “SO NOT [KLAUS’] b*tch anymore. So, much for hybrids being an Original Vampire’s best friend! Tyler is clearly, gay for Klaus, no more.
“Now, I’m gay for Damon! Sorry!”
And what’s worse, he’s called in the Scooby Gang to perform on Klaus the exact same “desiccation” spell originally meant for Nouveau Ric.
In the words of werewolves . . . and cartoon dogs named Astro . . . Ruh Roh, Klausipoo!
Your cheating heart . . . (will make you dried out and veiny)
Back in the Forest Where Everyone in Mystic Falls Has Died at Least Once, Bonnie is, once again, chanting and mumbling over a sleepy . . . soon to be dead-y Jeremy. This time, though, she succeeds in stopping her ex-boyfriend’s heart, at the exact same moment the Salvatore Bros have staked Klaus.
“Need . . . Botox . . . now.”
Oh, this is soooo time for a nose bleed, right? Apparently not. Nope . . . no nose bleeds for Black Magic Bonnie, who seems to be having wayyy to much fun stopping Jer Bear’s heart if you ask me. I mean, girlfriend’s making an “O” face, while she’s killing her boy toy, which is just beyond inappropriate if you ask me . . .
Also . . . her face is getting all black and veiny, for no apparent reason whatsoever. EW! I don’t know about you, but if I had to choose one, I’d go nosebleeds over Vein Faced spellgasms any day (and twice on Sunday).
Back at the Klaus House, Big Bad Original is starting to look all pale, sad, creepy, lifeless zombie like . . . you know, kind of like his siblings looked, back when he staked all of them. Knowing that life as he knows it is now coming to an end, Klausipoo takes these last few moments to share one final eye-f*&k with the secret love of his life, Stefan. It was both sad, and sexy at the same time. And Stefan’s eyes are undoubtedly pregnant right now from the effort.
Still . . . eye-screw or no-screw, Klaus is DEAD-DEAD . . . at least until the next Sweeps period.
Mini Gilbert lived to tell the tale though!
“Oh Bonnie. I had the most awful dream. You were murdering me with your hands, while making sex noises.”
But only after a maudlin Bonnie cried hysterically for about three seconds over his unconscious body. (Oh honey, we saw your O-face. Don’t act all high and mighty now, and pretend you didn’t enjoy it.)
When all is said and done, the Salvatore Brother’s toss Klaus’ lifeless body into the trunk of their car where Stefan gives it the goodbye screw of it’s life, and escort the favor, slightly de-blooded, Elena back home.
The Doppelganger and Not-Secret Service Crew
At the doorstep, she stops to thank them for being so patient with her. But she really needs some more time to choose which one of them she wants to dry hump on a regular basis, if that’s OK with them. DAMON! DAMON! DAMON!
They both say, “Sure ! No problem” (though neither of them really means it), and head for the hills.
In the car, on the way to dump Klaus’ body off the Wickory Bridge, Stefan and Damon have a heartfelt conversation about Elena. I probably would have paid a lot more attention to it, if, the whole time, I wasn’t waiting for Klaus to pop up in between them, say, “HAHA FOOLED YA, SUCKAS! I AIN’T EVEN DEAD YET,” and start making out with Stefan.
It never happened. And I can’t decide whether or not I’m disappointed about that.
Anywhoo, Damon and Stefan mutually agree with one another, about how totally hot and perfect Elena was.
Then, Saint Stefan offers to “gallantly” leave town if Elena ends up choosing Damon as her “lovah!”
At first, Damon’s response seems to be “F*&k that, if she picks you, I’m sticking around for the Hot Revenge Sex I’m going to get, each time you two fight.”
But eventually, Damon VERY RELUCTANTLY agrees to do the same thing for his brother’s sake. “And hey,” Damon adds. “In sixty or so years, after Elena croaks, we might even be able to be brothers again.”
Good old Damon. Always the optimist . . . well . . . except for the fact that he’s only letting Elena live until her mid seventies. That’s kind of cold, don’t you think?
It’s a CELEBRATION!
It’s rare to get truly happy moments on TVD. But we got one at the end of this episode, when Jer Bear, Bonnie, Tyler (who, since the founder of his bloodline is only “all dried up” and not “actually dead, got to live to see the end of this episode), Token Human Matt, Caroline and Elena herself all got to get wasted on tequila, and celebrate the death of Season 2 and 3’s Big Bad.
Just happy not to have a vervain soaked rag in her mouth, a slightly tipsy Caroline echoed her not-so-much boyfriend Klaus, in trying to get Elena to voice her Salvatore Brother Choice. But Elena wasn’t about to let a little thing like the fact that polygamy isn’t legal in Virgina, rain on her Dead Klaus Parade! No sir!
And it’s a good thing too . . . because all that happiness only lasts for about two seconds . . .
Elsewhere in Mystic Falls, Nouveau Ric crashes a council meeting to out Caroline’s and Tyler’s respective mommies as “vampire sympathizes’ and “harborers of supernatural creatures.” Now, it’ just a hunch. But I’m thinking this is going to hurt their chances at mayor and sheriff re-election, BIG TIME! (Might I suggest throwing a little compulsion in with those campaign buttons . . .)
In more bad news . . .
So, THAT’S where Bonnie’s nosebleeds went . . .
In the final moments of the episode, we see Elena returning to Alaric’s room to finish painting his snot green walls. A searing pain hits her neck, and she passes out, blood dumping from her nose, like Bonnie on a Spell Bender. Well, this can’t be good . . .
“Don’t call it a nosebleed. Call it a Blood Mustache.”
That said, for all two of you that actually thought Elena actually croaked, you can rest easy. The doppelganger LIVES!
“Hey, look at me. I’m naked on TV! That never happens!”
Welcome back fellow Fangbangers! Another season of True Blood is officially upon us. And from the looks of it, the town of Bon Temps is, once again, about to get very bloody (not to mention slutty). Tonight’s premiere episode, may not have given us all that much in the way of plot development. However, it did offer a ton of biting, a prospective new group of villians, some great one liners, and more hot shirtless men than a Gay Pride Parade.
Speaking of gay pride, am I the only one who was TOTALLY shipping a Bill and Sam coupling, after this episode? Those two are SPICY! And with a cool shipper name like BAM, it’s pretty obvious that this is a couple destined for greatness . . .
“I’ve always admired a man with big ‘belt buckle.'”
But, perhaps, I’m getting a bit ahead of myself here . . . let’s start at the beginning, shall we?
He’s My Boyfriend, and I’ll Whine if I Want To . . .
Bon Temps has installed a new security security system. Here’s how it works. These two nag and yell . . . and all men are instantly repelled.
The episode begins pretty much right where the Season 2 finale left off. Bill has been kidnapped, and Sookie is desperate to find him. And let me tell you, hell hath no fury, like a nearly-engaged woman jilted. After chewing out the female police officer investigating the crime scene, and interrogating a very distracted (and for good reason) Vampire Jessica, Sookie heads out to Fangtasia to put the moves on question Eric. But before she can speak to him, she has to get by Pam first.
Have I mentioned lately how THRILLED I am that this fabulous femme has been upgraded to “season regular” status?
“I don’t recall telling you that purple was my favorite color,” coos Pam, making Whiny Purple Dress-Wearing Sookie noticeably uncomfortable. (But Sookie, I thought you were bisexual? Or, maybe I’m mistaking you for the actress that plays you.)
“I don’t have time for any lesbian weirdness from you,” replies Sookie. (Awww! Poor Pam! Foiled again!)
After pushing past Pam, (“She overpowered me!”), Sookie finds Eric in the midst of a LONG screwing session with new Fangtasia dancer, Yvetta.
I’m not usually one to notice high production value, but I ADORED the way this encounter between Sookie and Eric was shot. With it’s soft lighting, and hazy pastel hues, the scene felt more like an erotic dream than a television show. Alexander Skaarsgard’s blatant nudity certaintly didn’t hurt either.
The tension between these two nearly hits a boiling point, when Sookie shamelessly accuses Vampire Eric of orchestrating Bill’s kidnapping. Eric gamely denies these allegations. However, he does take the opportunity to berate Vampire Bill’s sexual prowess (“Is Bill’s stamina not up to snuff?”), and flirt with Sookie (“I want what is his.”). After securing Vampire Eric’s “promise” to find Bill, Sookie heads to the police station to yell at more cops, before heading back home. There, she encounters fellow Spurned Sister on the Rag, Tara . . .
Tara’s Eggs are No Longer Sunny Side Up . . .
“Bacon just isn’t the same without Eggs . . . “
Now don’t get me wrong. I feel for Tara. If my boyfriend looked like this . . .
. . . and was shot dead, after confessing to a series of murders he committed while “not in his right mind,” I would be pretty bummed too. But it’s really hard to like Tara, when she spends all her time screaming at everybody. I mean, it’s always OK to yell at Arlene, because she’s dumb, annoying, and more than a little racist. But cute, cuddly, Andy Bellefleur? Unacceptable!
The worst, however, is when Tara lays into SOOKIE (who put a roof over her head, and saved her LIFE) for letting Eggs “see” the many murders that he committed, while under the influence of the maenad. “You basically signed his death warrant, you b*tch,” growls a Rabid Tara at her “former” best friend! (Someone shoot this girl with a tranquilizer gun, and put us ALL out of our misery, please!)
Tired of babysitting his unruly witch of a cousin, Lafayette passes Tara off to her self-centered, crazy, former alcoholic, born-again Christian MOTHER. BAD MOVE! After just a few hours with this unbearable woman, Tara is in the bathroom trying to OD on pills.
Of course, we already know she’ll survive. So, there’s really not much suspense here. After all, based on the promos we’ve seen, Tara has to LIVE, so that she can have some very NOT HOT vampire sex with THIS BLOODSUCKER . . .
“Hey, Bad Kisser Guy! Do us all a favor, and bite off her tongue, will you?”
First Sign of the Apocalypse: Jason Stackhouse can’t get it up!
“My weiner is depressed. Kiss it, and make it better?”
Thank heaven for Andy Bellefleur! Without his taking the rap for shooting Eggs, Jason Stackhouse would most certainly have been put in jail for murder. And while he would undoubtedly look cute in an orange jumpsuit, a SHIRTLESS Jason Stackhouse is a terrible thing to waste. Andy visits Jason at his house, in an attempt to keep him in line and to keep their “shooting story” straight.
And then, suddenly, and out of no where, it seemed as though Andy Bellefleur had been possessed by female True Blood fans everywhere. Because, for no rational reason whatsoever, Andy stopped talking about the dull “murder thing,” and started talking about how important it was for Jason to get laid . . .
“The Fangirls’ wish is my command!”
In order to “eliminate suspicion” and “keep up appearances,” Andy instructs Jason to act as he did BEFORE he shot Eggs (and BEFORE he joined that religious cult too, I guess). That means LOVING THE LADIES, and LOVING THEM LOTS!
“Conscience off! Dick on!” Andy commands.
Now THAT is a Jason Stackhouse motto, I can LIVE with!
Later, Jason hits up Merlotte’s with new roomie, Hoyt.
Welcome back, Jim Parrack! LOVE the new buff bod! Not such a fan of the new hair, though . . .
The two quickly and effortlessly pick up these pretty, but kind of dense, recent NYU grads, both of whom randomly have a thing for dogs. But when they bring the girls back home, Hoyt is too busy whining over the loss of Vampire Jessica to do much screwing, and Jason keeps picturing the girls with bullet holes in their heads. NOT a turn on! (Note to the men out there: If you TELL a girl that you keep seeing bullet holes in her head, she WILL think you want to murder her. Some things are better left UNSAID.)
Needless to say, neither of these sexy men get laid during this episode. This is too bad. Because I was REALLY hoping for some Jason Stackhouse Post-Coital Dancing . . .
“WOW! Look at the size of that bullet hole! Just kidding . . .LET’S BOOGIE!”
The Miraculous Tale of Vampire Bill, the F-U Crew, and Some Old Lady . . .
Well, the writers sure didn’t make us wait too long before telling us who took Vampire Bill. Although his captor referred to his Band of Bumbling Idiots as the “F*&k You Crew,” those who have watched the promos, undoubtedly recognized him Werewolf Biker Badass, Coot (played by Grant Bowler). . .
Coot and his DOGS are trying to drive Bill to their secret lair. The only problem is that they can’t seem to stop eating him. (Don’t you hate it when that happens?) So, the car goes off road, and Bill manages to escape. Having been drained of quite a bit of blood, Vampire Bill wanders into some Old Broad’s home, feeds on her, and leaves, but not before glamouring her, and extracting some very important information for the viewers at home. It turns out, our pal Bill is in Mississippi!
The Shirt Off His Back . . .
“Vampire Bill, I’m so upset! I had the lamest plotline of this ENTIRE episode!
“Let’s f*&k!”
“OK, Vampire Bill. That would make me feel much better.”
It’s a real shame that Vampire Bill is in Mississippi, and not Arkansas, where Sam is, because that would have undoubtedly improved this portion of the episode. Sam’s storyline tonight was a MAJOR snoozer. Apparently, he’s on a hunt for his biological trailer trash Mommy, and deadbeat brother . . . blah, blah, blah. Now on to the good stuff!
So, if you recall, last season, Sam was stabbed in the chest, and was seriously wounded as a result. If not for his massive intake of Vampire Bill’s blood, he would have died. Of course, taking a lot of blood from a Vampire has its consequences. For one thing, it makes you have sexual feelings for the Vampire you drank from, regardless of your previous sexual preference.
So, one night, while Sam is sleeping, he has a dream that someone has visited him at his hotel. THIS Vamp . . .
After being invited in, Vampire Bill asks Sam for some clothing, and Sam literally gives him the shirt off his back. But Vampire Bill doesn’t put it on. Instead, after admiring Sam’s physique, he asks to use his shower. He then invites Sam to join him, and Sam AGREES! “We are going to have a great time,” replies Bill.
And just when these two crazy kids are about to make out, Sam wakes up . . .
I WANT MORE BAM! And I want it NOW, dammit!
Vampire Blood for Sale! Get it While it’s Cheap!
So, it turns out, Vampire Eric wasn’t being entirely honest with Sookie, when he was asked if he had anything to do with Bill’s disappearance. In fact, HE had hired people to kidnap Bill TOO! Except, the F-U crew got there first! Pam instructs Eric to tell Queen Sophie Ann about Vampire Bill’s disappearance, since Bill is the only other vampire aware that the Queen and Eric are selling vampire blood on the black market.
Eric scoffs at this idea. However, soon after, Queen Sophie comes to HIM, along with that creepy dude who played J.J. on Big Love . . .
Apparently, there is some sort of two-for-one special on HBO Series stars.
I don’t recall what position “J.J.” holds in the vampire community. However, I assume it’s high ranking, and has something to do with “law enforcement.” (If you recall, this was the guy that forced Vampire Bill to “make” Vampire Jessica, as punishment for his killing another vampire. “J.J” also seems to be higher up than Queen Sophie Ann, because he was bossing her around quite a bit, throughout this scene.
I must admit, initially, I wasn’t overly impressed with Evan Rachel Wood’s portrayal of Queen Sophie Ann during Season 2. I just found her to be too over the top, and not nearly “queenly” enough. However, Wood went a long way toward redeeming herself in my eyes tonight. Watching her manipulate “J.J.” into thinking she was unaware of the marketing of Vampire Blood was pure poetry. And seeing her strong arm the typically unfazeable Vampire Eric into selling off all of his black market vampire blood at a major financial loss to him, was even more satisfying.
This classic scene was followed up by another equally pleasurable one in which Vampire Pam, on Eric’s orders, pressured Lafayette to sell off his “goods.” “Are you picking up what I’m putting down?” Pam whispered in the ear of a terrified Lafayette.
Clearly, no further elaboration was necessary. When Vampire Eric makes a request, Lafayette listens. End of story . . .
16 and Pregnant? And a Vampire? (Well . . . not exactly)
When we last left Vampire Jessica, she had taken a major bite out of some D-baggy trucker dude, she picked up at a bar. Now, with Papa Vampire Bill nowhere to be found, Baby Vamp Jess is forced to pick up the pieces all by herself. She tries to revive the nearly dead dude, but does so to no avail. Eventually, he dies (or does he?). And in impulsive decision that, while misguided, was surprisingly astute for such a young vamp, Vampire Jessica feeds the maybe dead guy her own blood.
We don’t know yet whether he was actually turned into a vampire. All we know is that he’s stinking up Bill’s house. If I recall correctly, in True Blood world, the “transition” from human to vampire takes a few days. It’s also possible that if this guy was TOTALLY dead, it would be too late for him to actually “drink” Jessica’s blood and change over. So, we can’t really be sure whether Vampire Jessica has just made herself into a “teen mom” and Vampire Bill into an “absentee grandpa.” Only time will tell. But I’m excited about this plotline, nonetheless.
At the end of the episode, Sookie, having noticed that Vampire Pam can “feel” her maker, Eric, “call her,” approaches Vampire Jessica, wondering whether SHE can do the same thing. Apparently she can. Unfortunately, just like the airing of award shows, Vampire Jessica’s “sense” of Bill is on a time delay. So while, she was able to help Sookie find Bill’s crashed car and the dead F-U crew member in it, she was not able to find his current location, which is in the middle of a pack of ravenous werewolves.
It seems that they used REAL wolves in filming this scene, which makes the above picture all the more adorable, fangs and drool, notwithstanding.
So, there you have it folks, my first True Blood recap of the season. What did YOU think of the episode? Was it worth the wait?
Happy Tuesday, Fangbangers! Guess what? It’s time for yet another installment of HBO’s Drop of True Blood minisode series! (Just in case you didn’t figure that out from reading the title to this post . . .) This minisode stars none-other-than Bon Temps very own, recently kidnapped, Vampire Bill!
“Oh wow!” You say.
“Is he OK?” You wonder.
“Where are they keeping him? Is he being tortured?” You cry out, in anguish.
Unfortunately, I don’t know the answer to ANY of these questions. And watching this clip won’t exactly help YOU to answer them either. After all, this “mini” takes place in Vampire Bill’s house. And, in it, he’s just hanging out in his bathrobe, looking happy as a clam.
(Why do people always say that? Happy as a clam . . . Do YOU know any happy clams? Because if I was a clam, I think I’d be pretty friggin miserable ALL THE TIME . . . but that’s just me.)
But enough about clams . . . . back to the clip. It pretty obviously takes place before the Season 2 finale. Seeing as, during that episode, SOMEONE . . . you know . . . bound up Vampire Bill, gagged him, and dragged him away . . . presumably never to be seen until Season 3 AGAIN!
I’m thinking that — like the Sookie, Tara, and Lafayette scene that I posted here a few weeks ago — this minisode is yet another example of a “deleted scene” from Season 2. In it, a strange woman arrives at Vampire Bill’s home, late at night. And she has something HE wants . . . The question is, how far is he willing to go, to get it? You’ll just have to watch and see . . .
Thanks again to ShirtlessLocke, for allowing clip embedding!
OK . . . OK . . . I’ll admit it. My post title, my intro picture, and pretty much everything I wrote here, up until I embedded the YouTube clip, were all a bit misleading. But honestly, I don’t think ANYONE would have clicked on the link to this post, if I called it “Vampire Bill Scams a Cheap Engagement Ring Off Some Old Horny Broad.” Can you blame me for trying to spice things up a bit?
Now, those of you who have read my previous True Blood posts, already know that I have a tendency to be a bit down on our Fangy Friend, Mister Bill, here . . .
Now, don’t get me wrong! It’s not that I don’t like Vampire Bill! I DO! It’s just that he’s not . . . this guy . . .
. . . or this guy . . .
. . . or THESE guys . . .
. . . who, despite being on an ENTIRELY different show, still manage to surpass our pal, Bill, in the hot brooding vampire department.
That being said, major props to Stephen Moyer for inserting a nice bit of humor into this scene, and making Vampire Bill just a bit more likeable. Having watched this clip, I think we all gained a bit more insight into what truly makes Vampire Bill tick . . .
For example, we learned that he is FABULOUS bargain hunter! Bill Compton would be a great guy to bring along with you, if you were . . . say . . . heading to your local flea market (assuming, of course, that your “local flea market” keeps night hours . . .).
“Hey, would someone close the shades, please! I’m starting to decay . . .”
In this “important” scene, Bill also proved himself to be a loyal lover to Sookie.
Then again, I’d probably be a bit more impressed with his manly “restraint,” had his temptress not borne such a resemblance to my best friend’s grandmother . . .
Now Granny, I meant that in the nicest way possible! There’s no need to get all riled up! Did you forget to take your meds again?
Tune in next week for the FINAL minisode of the Drop of True Blood Series. After that . . . Next stop SEASON 3!
Heck! Even Josh Holloway is excited! And this isn’t even HIS show!
Just in case you’ve missed any of the True Blood goodies previously posted on this site, you can catch the extended promo for Season 3 of True Bloodhere. (Don’t forget to read the comment section. There, my blogging buddy, Lola (of Lovely Entropy fame), posted a FABULOUS True Blood sneak peak, one that will allow you to get a glimpse of what Vampire Eric looks like, after having endured SIX HOURS of nonstop sex!
Here’s a hint of what you might see . . .
Once you’re done drooling over that, feel free to check out past minisodes, by clicking . . .
Welcome back, fellow Fangbangers! It’s Tuesday, and you know what that means . . . You got it! The third of six True Blood Minisodes has just been “leaked” online.
(Seeing as how one of these puppies has been “leaked” every Tuesday, since April 27th, I’m pretty sure that this has been HBO’s grand plan all along. Just a little something to get us nerdy bloggers all riled up about the show, and feeling special. After all, WE (and everyone else with a computer who knows how to use a Search Engine) get to see the minisodes, before HBO ACTUALLY airs them on Sunday nights. Still, it’s a pretty ingenious marketing tool, if you ask me . . .)
This week’s installment of “A Drop of True Blood” features our three favorite Bon Temps girls: BFF’s Sookie and Tara (who, quite honestly, have been seeming a lot less chummy, of late) . . .
They just found out I spilled the beans about the whole “Tuesday internet leak” thing. Don’t worry ladies, I promise to keep it between just us girls . . .
. . . and, of course, the inimitable Lafayette . . .
You take off those earrings girl! (I’d rather not have them in my soup . . .)
Now, initially, I was under the impression that these minisodes were supposed to take place at some point in time, between Seasons 2 and 3. Here, we see that this is not necessarily the case. This minisode, in particular, seems more like a deleted scene from the Season 2 finale than anything “new.” For one thing, check out the dress Sookie is showing off to Tara at Merlotte’s. Does it look familiar to you?
Of course, there’s a second, much more obvious, reason why I think that this scene had to have occurred chronologically before the Season 2 Finale concluded. But, I’ll let you figure that one out for yourselves . . . Roll the clip . . .
(If, for any reason, this video disappears before you get to see it, you can also catch it at Dread Central and Jivid.com.)
Now that I think about it, there’s a third reason this scene had to take place before the Season 2 finale ended. Did you pick up on it? I’ll give you a hint.
By the way, how much do you love Lafayette, in this scene? “B*tches you both is pretty!” – Classic!
While we’re sharing, HBO has also released its newest promo for the show today. And if big blue dogs, and bad CGI graphics (sorry Alan Ball) are your thing, you’re going to love this one . . .
If this promo is any indication, I’m thinking there’s a good chance that the next True Blood minisode will feature Bon Temps’ newest visitor and werewolf, Alcide Herveaux, played by Joe Mangiello, of One Tree Hill fame.
Here’s hoping the video clip somehow involves this guy being shirtless . . .
(For more on the new cast members signing on for Season 3 of True Blood, click here.)
And if, by any chance, you missed any of the True Blood Minisodes that have already aired, you can catch the first one, which features a tracksuit- wearing Vampire Eric and a bisexual Vampire Pam auditioning new dancers for Fangtasia Bar, here . . .
. . . and the second one, which involves a casino-hopping and hungry Vampire Jessica, here.
So, I’ve been thinking a lot about this, this past week. Do you want to know what I’ve decided makes the Dredd Doctors so terrifying?
It’s not even that they enjoy finding creative ways to murder teenagers, because every villain on this show does that . . . (bo-ring!)
. . . or on dirty floors and rusted operating tables . . .
Apparently, the Dredd Doctors were there too. The Dredd Doctors just looooove water treatment facilities, which makes me really glad my liquid diet consists entirely of Sugar Free Energy Drinks and wine. Water is dangerous!
Eating your own body parts is just a bad idea generally. I mean, I bite my nails on occasion, but you don’t see me listing it as a skill on my resume . . .
Nice to meet you, Desert Wolf. You are going to fit right in on this show!
Damn you, Old Spice Deodorant! DAMN YOUUUUUUUU!!!!!
She calls her soon-to-be boyfriend, Sheriff Stilinski over to her house to help her with a rather pressing matter. “You’re a strong man, aren’t you Sheriff Stilinski?” Mama McCall inquires coyly. “Think you could help me move this monster teen’s corpse with Kira’s sword in it off my kitchen table for me? It is really hard to serve pot roast on top of her, as the murder weapon keeps getting in the way.”
“You do realize I have to report this dead body to the rest of the police department, don’t you?” Sheriff responds judgmentally.
“No!” Sheriff Stilinski retorts. “This girl is dead and your son’s girlfriend killed her. I’m going to make sure she gets the death penalty, and try to get your son thrown in jail too, for having such awful taste in women. I’m not sure that’s a crime per se, but I’ll find a way to make it one.”
So, Mama McCall does what any woman would do while hanging out with a corpse and a cop in the kitchen, she smacks Sheriff Stilinski in the face. “And to think, I was going to have sex with you on this murder table!” She mutters under her breath.
Then, Mama McCall and Sheriff Stilinski start having hot angry hate sex right on Sheriff Stilinski’s desk . . . or at least they would if I wrote this episode . . .
Kira’s dad confesses to the murder in Kira’s place, even though he totally thinks his daughter is a psycho fox killer, who will most definitely strike again. This makes him a good dad (better than Stiles’ dad!), but a bad member of society.
Meanwhile, over in the most unsanitary water treatment facility ever . . .
Liam tries to take Hayden’s pain from her by squeezing her hand in his own, but it doesn’t work, because his hands are not where Liam’s strength lies. (As we will find out, by the end of the episode, there are other parts of his body that are much stronger.)
Liam and Hayden are then taken to another room, where they meet another wuzzle, whose name is Zac, but whom, for purposes of convenience, I will call Exposition Chimera. Exposition Chimera helpfully tells Liam and Hayden that this is where the Dredd Doctors take all their failures, so they can morph into monsters, bleed silver, and then be subsequently murdered.
“Yeah, that’s him,” Liam responds.
“You should read the book backwards then,” Kira’s mom offers.
Kira reads the book backwards, and it causes her to remember that time in the premiere episode, when the Dredd Doctors experimented on her right in the middle of a traffic jam on Highway 115, in front of thousands of people, but nobody cared or tried to stop it, including her parents, because most drivers are selfish bastards.
We interrupt this important plot point to bring you the first initial of Stiles’ real name
You are welcome . . .
Once Corey’s neck has been successfully impregnated, Scott draws what he was thinking about during the whole neck fondling incident. It looks a bit like this . . .
In the car, on the way home, Liam the PLAYA has come up with another idea on how to remove Hayden’s pain. He’s going to do it with his p*nis! Just kidding . . . it’s with his tongue. But still. Smooth, Liam, very smooth!
Theo creepily watches the pair of baby wolves eating each others’ faces off in his rearview mirror, and contemplates canceling his internet porn subscription. Between this, and his front row seat to the neck raping earlier this episode, he’s totally covered in the sexual desires department.
I love Mama McCall! Until next time, Werebangers!
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