If you’ve been watching Teen Wolf this season and thinking to yourself, “You know what this show needs? More wuzzles!”
Than this is the episode for you!
Last week, the mysteriously appearing and disappearing at will, rain slicker and gas mask wearing “doctors” made a wuzzle out of sleepwalking Tracey.
This week, we got to see Wuzzle Tracey in action . . . also a new wuzzle was born . . .
Also this week, on Teen Wolf, Malia learned to drive, a wuzzle prevented Papa Stilinski from being laid, Liam spent more time in a hole, someone took over Derek Hale’s role as most objectified male on the show, and something super gross came out of Tracey’s backside . . .
Let’s review, shall we?
Special thanks to Andre for all the spectacular screencaps you see here.
He’s single, Ladies! Nearly a week after removing his widower wedding ring, Papa Stilinski finally bit the bullet and made himself a Tinder profile.
But since there are only three women over the age of 30 still alive in Beacon Hills, his options are rather limited . . .
Also limited for Sheriff Stilinski . . . his free time. There is nothing like planning a date twenty minutes after you’ve just finished receiving death threats from a prisoner you are having transported to lockup, to kill your boner dead . . .
Fortunately, Stiles is on hand to lighten the mood, instructing the death threat maker to try making the threat using a Christopher Walken voice instead. Because even bad news is positively hilarious when its delivered by Christopher Walken.
Along for the ride with the non Christopher Walken sounding prisoner is now-Wuzzle Tracey’s dad, who also happens to be his lawyer. “Hey, I don’t like Sheriff Stilinski either,” Tracey’s dad admits. “He totally stole my best opportunity for a Tinder date. This town is a complete sausage factory. I’m really considering becoming a homosexual.”
We interrupt this commercial for Match.com to bring you TRACEY MURDERING EVERYONE, INCLUDING HER OWN DAD!
Only the prisoner, Donovan, manages to escape, which I would care more about if he was able to do a decent Christopher Walken voice, like Stiles suggested . . .
The Wuzzle-Making Doctors find Donovan and stick a drill in his ear, because maybe he has really bad ear-wax build-up?
She Drives Me Crazy
As has already been established in previous episodes, Malia is terrible driver, who experiences PTSD panic attacks of the time she killed her adopted mom and sister in a car by coyote-ing out on them, every time she gets behind the wheel.
Because of this, Lydia and Kira decide it would be an absolutely fabulous idea to take her driving in the middle of the night on a dark public road, with no street signs, where the chance of her inadvertently murdering someone is at its absolute highest.
Supposedly smart Lydia is obviously not thinking clearly. I blame ear-wax build-up. Maybe she needs a cleaning from the Wuzzle making doctors, like Donovan got.
During the driving lesson, Lydia gets a feeling that someone has just been murdered, and instructs Malia to drive them to the crime scene, so she can run all the dead people over with her car . . .
This is when our trio of ladies come upon dead Tracey’s dad. Ruh-roh!
Up above the scene, Creepy Theo is watching the scene, and looking creepy, while a blinking neon sign over his head saying “I’m the Bad Guy,” follows him wherever he goes . . .
Scott gets called to the scene to find the now missing Donovan, and does a backflip for no logical reason whatsoever. (Perhaps, backflips help wolves to find criminals who are bad at doing Christopher Walken impressions, and have really clean ears.)
The Inner Circle
Back at the police station, Deputy Parrish notes that, in addition to killing her dad, and mortally wounding two officers, Tracey also killed her shrink. “I’ll call Scott,” responds Sheriff Stilinski.
“Hey, did you ever notice that the teenagers solve all the crimes on this show, while us law enforcement folk stand around with our thumbs up our asses waiting to get murdered?” Parrish muses.
“Whatever, I have a date to get prep for,” responds Sheriff Stilinski. “Go stick your thumb up your ass, your responsibilities for this episode are over.”
At school, after heeding the call from Sheriff Stilinski, the Scooby Gang hold a pow-wow regarding what they should do about Murderous Wuzzle Tracey.
“Hey, not that I’m one to judge girls who unwittingly kill their family members while in an animal state, but we should totally kill this b*tch,” offers Malia.
“We can’t . . . there’s still 40 minutes left in this episode, and she’s pretty much all that happens during it. If she croaks, we might as well all go home and play with our X-Boxes and/or jerk off,” explains Scott.
“Intense,” says Mason, about ten times during this conversation.
“Da f*&k is this guy?” Stiles wonders out loud.
“He’s you,” Liam offers.
“I’m a gay black teenager?” Stiles inquires, clearly confused.
“He’ll become the new human / comic relief / heart of the show, after you become a big movie star, and stop wanting to hang out with us MTV teenyboppers,” Liam clarifies.
“Intense,” adds Mason.
“OK, but he’s gotta work on his vocabulary,” Stiles insists.
“Hodor . . . I am Groot . . . Intense,” responds Mason.
“That’s a start,” Stiles offers.
Scratch and Sniff
Liam finds Wuzzle Tracey sitting in the back of his history class with really gnarly bare feet, and tells Scott using his wolfy telepathy.
Even though Tracey is a senior, is not supposed to be in Liam’s history class, and seriously looks like she is tweaked out on some heavy duty drugs, Kira’s dad doesn’t notice anything at all out of the ordinary . . . probably because he’s an adult, and pretty much all the adults on this show are morons.
“Hi I’m Liam’s love interest, and I’m new to the show. You look like you are new too. What’s your name?” Liam’s love interest asks Tracey.
“Die,” responds Wuzzle Tracey, only she says it in Wuzzle language, so you can’t understand her.
“I can’t die. I told you, I’m Liam’s love interest, which basically means I’ll be Kira in about two seasons,” Liam’s love interest explains.
“Fine,” relents Wuzzle Tracey. “Then, I’ll just scratch you, which is supposed to paralyze you, because, spoiler alert, I’m a kanaima, but will have no effect on you whatsoever, because you are something super natural, because as a rule Teen Wolf 2.0 can only have one human main character and that slot is already taken by Mason.”
“OK, just don’t scratch my face, or else Liam won’t think I’m pretty anymore. He seems really shallow,” responds Liam’s love interest.
Then, Wuzzle Tracey scratches the arm of Liam’s love interest, and passes out on the floor in a puddle of her own silver drool. SO EMBARRASSING!
“Keep pulling gross sh*t like that, and you will never get a love interest on this show,” warns Liam’s love interest, as she rushes off to reapply her lipstick.
Scott carries Wuzzle Tracey to Deaton’s office for a veterinary examination, and Stiles and Malia come along for the ride.
“OK, she drooled grey stuff, which made her look ugly, so she’ll never have a love interest on this show, which makes her useless as a character by MTV standards. Now can we kill her, pretty please?” Malia begs.
“No, because there are still twenty minutes left in the episode, and it has no B plot. So, we have to let us put all our lives in mortal danger first,” Scott insists.
“Twenty minutes, that’s not a lot of time,” explains Deaton. “Why don’t I speed up the process, by locking you and Malia in this room using mountain ash, so you can’t escape her, and needlessly slicing into her spine under the guise of ‘research.’”
“Cutting into her spine? Won’t that kill her, in a way that’s way more cruel and painful than the lethal injection I suggested?” Malia asks.
(Clearly, Malia stole every other characters’ “smart pills” this week, because she’s the only one who seems to be having rational thoughts.)
“Possibly,” admits Deaton. “Or it could result in a really gross special effect, where a lizard thing crawls through her back, turns into a tail and explodes through her butt, paralyzing us all in the process.”
“Intense,” offers Mason.
“You’re not even in this scene. SHUT UP!” Scott, Stiles, Malia and Deaton shout out in unison.
Long story short, Wuzzle Tracey is apparently a kanaima a la Jackson, only she’s conveniently immune to mountain ash. So, after her butt explodes into a tail and poops paralytic juice all over half the cast of Teen Wolf, she escapes.
Now, everyone is taking a nap on the floor of Deaton’s office.
“It’s all you, True Alpha,” Deaton offers. “Go save the world from Wuzzle Tracey and her murderous paralytic tail poop.”
“Maybe later, I’m tired,” explains Scott. “Malia can go.”
“On it,” replies Malia. “I bet Tracey’s too busy murdering people, she hasn’t had time to shower since last week. She must be ripe. I’ll smell her from ten miles away.”
So Many Holes, So Little Time
Meanwhile, Liam and Mason go visit Buddah Werewolf / Playgirl Model Brett for no logical reason, other than to ogle his sexy man boobs.
“Intense,” Mason says, because what else would he say?
“I just remembered that I found a necklace that time I fell in a hole, and it was wuzzle Tracey’s.” Liam explains. “I didn’t pick it up, because being inside a hole reminded me of my love interest . . . also the movie Holes starring Shia Lebeouf.”
Liam, Mason and Brett go off to find Liam’s hole, which isn’t nearly as much fun as it looks.
They end up finding a hole, but Wuzzle Tracey’s necklace isn’t inside, so it isn’t Liam’s. It’s somebody else’s hole. How embarrassing.
Liam and Brett speculate that there are holes all over Beacon Hills and SOMEONE, aka the Doctors, are burying people in them . . . possibly after they turn them into Wuzzles.
(You know who isn’t in a hole? Donovan. He’s in jail, but now his eyes look like the drool coming out of Tracey’s mouth. That must have been some serious ear cleaning he had.)
“Intense,” says Mason.
Somebody buy this guy a thesaurus, or at least a vowel.
Strike a Pose
After a quick breaking and entering to Tracey’s house, Lydia and Kira decide that kanaima Tracey is a homicidal somnambulist, who doesn’t know that her dream self is purposely targeting everyone who helps her . . . including Lydia’s mom . . . who is now on her date with Stiles’ dad.
(P.S. The actors are married in real life.)
At the same time, Malia smells stinky Wuzzle Tracey, and the whole cast, except for Stiles, Scott and Deaton, who are still napping, reconvene at the police station.
Wuzzle Tracey paralyzes some officers, from her perch on the ceiling of the police station, Sheriff Stilinski looks up and says, “What a cock block!”
Kira tries to battle Wuzzle Tracey with her samurai sword, but because she sucks at sword play, Wuzzle Tracey stabs Lydia with her tail. Then Kira inexplicably becomes the red Powerpuff girl and strikes model poses for what seems like ten minutes, before slicing off Wuzzle Tracey’s tail.
Tracey hates Powerpuff Girls, so she decides to blow this popsicle stand, dragging Mama Martin to the basement of the police station with her.
Malia follows after Wuzzle Tracey to have a staring contest with her. This is smart plan because everyone knows that homicidal somnambulists suck at staring contests. “I bet you wish you were dreaming still, but you aren’t and your life really sucks, because you killed everyone who gives two sh*ts about you. Also, you smell really bad, and can never be anyone’s love interest because you drooled silver and pooped paralytic juice on most of the men in the cast,” explains Malia to a no-longer Wuzzled Tracey.
“I wanna die,” Tracey thinks to herself, because, wouldn’t you, if this was your life?
“That can be arranged,” says the Doctors, who lethally inject Tracey, while a frustrated Malia looks on.
“Seriously? You couldn’t have done that 40 minutes ago, before I became emotionally invested?” Malia complains.
Then, the Doctors disappear, because they know they have absolutely no chance to win a staring contest against Malia.
And that was “Dreamcatcher” in a nutshell.
Next week on Teen Wolf . . . more Wuzzles, and Mason will say “intense” at least 27 times.
See ya then!