Nothing like a little change of scenery to shake things up a bit. I mean, don’t get me wrong, we all love getting wasted on whiskey at the Only Bar / Social Establishment in Mystic Falls . . .
And getting staked at Elena Gilbert’s house . . .
And getting chased by psychopaths down the hallway of Mystic Falls High . . .
And we DEFINITELY love getting wet in Damon’s shower . . .
But sometimes we all can use a break from the daily grind of getting our hearts ripped out of our chests . . .
. . . and hot no-frills sex . . .
. . . and drama with a capital D.
Sometimes, we just need to . . . go to Canada . . .
This week’s installment of TVD was a literal detour from week’s past, in that a good portion of it took place on a remote island off the coast of Nova Scotia . . .
Lost Island Silas Island. So, strap on that backpack, hold your ancient headstone up high, and practice your “expression,” Fangbangers. Because it’s time to head . . . “Into the Wild.”
[As always special thanks to Andre, who photographs Steven R. McQueens pectorals more lovingly than Bonnie Bennett ever could . . .]
y hair is whacked!
It’s Super Short Flashback Time! Professor Dumpy Dork is being chased through the forest by . . . wait . . . is that Johnny Depp’s character from The Lone Ranger?
I guess we can take this to mean the natives are on Team Dead Kol, when it comes to letting The Cure stay buried, right alongside other Discarded TVD Plotlines, like Damon’s Crow and Bonnie’s decision to date her sort-of brother?
“Now, where was Johnny Depp, last week, when I was getting my ass handed to me at Baby Vamp’s house?”
Back in the present day, our Scooby Gang (minus Caroline and Tyler) arrives on
Lost Island Silas Island in their trusty canoes. (Who knew Mystic Falls had its very own Eastern Mountain Sports store?) Professor Dumpy Dork waxes poetic about the island, and makes some lame vampire sunscreen joke to Damon, who looks unamused.
“Are you sure? It smells like coconuts?”
Then, Rebekah and Elena try to stake one another in front of Stefan, who looks VERY amused, but has to pretend he’s not . . . you know, to protect his image as the Brooding Tortured One.
Hey . . . you know what . . . while we are waiting for something exciting to happen, let’s go ahead and give our Scooby Gang their Lost identities for the hour. After all, this is the Lost episode of TVD, after all. (For those of you who never watched Lost, feel free to skip down to the next section, as this part is going to make absolutely no sense to you.)
Professor Dumpy Dork, of course, is our Benjamin Linus. You know, the guy who fans new was bad news, the minute he appeared on screen. And yet the Losties took about a season to figure out the exact same thing . . .
Damon is that uber sexy snarky rascal, Sawyer (naturally) . . .
Which, I guess makes Elena, the intrepid Kate . . .
And Stefan the serious minded doctor with daddy issues, Jack . . .
Depending on your personal feelings about her, Rebekah could either be the started-out-as-an-Other, but-turned-into-an-ally / plucky love interest blonde, Juliet . . .
. . . or the bratty, doomed-to-die blonde with brother issues, Shannon . ..
Our warrior Jeremy, will double as THEIR Warrior, Sayid . . .
Also starring Bonnie Bennett as . . . the Smoke Monster . . .
X Marks Jeremy’s Nipple
Now, I like obligatory shots of Steven R. McQueen’s naked flesh as much as the next girl . . .
But could someone please tell me why they waited until the crew got to FREEZING COLD LOST ISLAND for Bonnie to start snapping pictures of JerBear’s hot bod?
They couldn’t have done that before they left . . . like, say, in Jeremy’s bed?
Because the way Bonnie was fondling that tattoo definitely seemed illustrate a bit more than “scientific interest” on her part . . .
And let’s be honest, as far as Maps To the Cure go, this one seems to pretty much be the Easiest One to Read EVER. I mean, we are pretty much talking about a straight line from Jer Bear’s right arm to his left nipple. Not much room for error, there . . .
As for the theory that JerBear’s hunter tattoo is not a map at all, but a “spell to awaken Silas,” that theory ends up pretty much being a dead end too. So, in other words, the Scooby Gang just had thousands of vampires, so that Jeremy could look sexier with his shirt off . . .
Makes perfect sense to me!
This is My Confession . . .
Damon Salvatore . . . He’s an enigma, wrapped in pain, wrapped in love, leather, and a nice behind . . .
He was a self-proclaimed monster, with a deep dark secret, one he couldn’t bare to share with anyone, who would live to tell it to anyone else. Damon Salvatore was a vampire, who missed his humanity . . .
And yet, unlike a certain other Salvatore, he was never ashamed of who he was. And when the woman he loved also turned into a vampire . . . well . . . it didn’t change how he felt about her, in the least . . .
So, he taught her to love herself, which, in turn, helped her to realize that she loved him . . .
Why am I recapping all of this for you? Well, basically, because I found Damon’s admission this week, that, not only did HE not want the cure, but he didn’t want Elena to take it either, a bit confusing.
Now, don’t get me wrong, I particularly enjoyed Ian Somerhalder’s acting this week. There was a certain wistfulness about him, that we haven’t seen in some time. I loved the resigned sadness on his face, as Elena fervently reassured him of her continued love for him, human or vampire.
It was quite obvious that Damon’s history wasn’t letting him believe her. Yet, he really WANTED to believe her. And, above all, he wanted her to be happy. So, he pretended to be happy too, even though, inside, he was miserable.
That made sense to me. What didn’t make sense was Damon’s sudden shunning of Elena . . . his assertion that he wouldn’t want to be with her, while she got old and died, and he stayed the same age . . . even though, for three seasons, the love unrequited Elder Salvatore seemed like he would have given the world for that opportunity.
Was Damon lying to himself? Was he subconsciously trying to make himself believe that he could no longer love a human Elena, so that it would hurt less, if she stopped loving him?
Then again, maybe, the writers are just doing a little ret-con to make the inevitable plot twist of DAMON dying and coming back as a human, while Elena stays a vampire, more epic.
And, while we’re on the subject, shouldn’t this so-called sire bond, have immediately caused Elena to shun the cure, once she realized that her taking it would displease Damon?
Whatever the reason, I cheered when Damon tried to beat the sh*t out of Professor Dumpy Dork. (A least someone has finally wised up to the idea that this guy is up to no good.) And I was kind of bummed, when Elena stopped him.
Speaking of the Shanester . . .
Fake Aztec Moonstone Curse 2: Electric Boogaloo
I don’t know about you guys, but for me, there was something about Shane’s flashback stories that struck me as a little bit . . . what’s the word I’m looking for here . . . oh yeah, FULL OF CRAP! Let’s review, shall we?
(1) This week we learn that Bonnie’s witch ancestor buried Silas alive, to punish him for planning to use HER cure for immortality spell on ONE other woman. And yet, the Scooby Gang somehow believes there’s enough of this cure for all the vampires in the world?
(2) Professor Shady Douche claims he got this entire idea for the Journey to Rescue Silas from a . . . hallucination he had of his Crazy Dead Witch Wife? And no finds that the least bit disturbing / odd?
(3) The “Good” Professor boldly admits that route to the cure involves THREE massacres, not the two he’s already brought about. And NONE of these people, who have just been brought to a deserted island . . . where no one can hear you scream . . . is the least bit worried, that they’ve been brought here not because they have some big rock in their pants, or a gnarly tattoo, or a nice ass, or a nosebleed problem . . . but because they are PIGS FOR SLAUGHTER?
And, finally (4) any plan that involves Poor Man’s Benjamin Linus protecting the increasingly volatile Bonnie Smoke Monster from erupting hot lava all over Canada, just seems doomed to fail from the get-go.
But hey, what do I know? I’m just the lowly recapper, right?
Two Vamps and a Stefan . . .
Damon’s Lady Troubles render him unusually incapable of snark this week. Fortunately, Rebekah hops right in to the role of comic relief, lobbing zingers, left and right, mostly at her favorite target . . . Elena. From her wry determination that Elena was the only one who brought nothing to the table, when it came to the Scooby Gang’s quest for the cure (though, it could be argued that, since carrying a headstone requires only one vampire, not two, Rebekah, herself was equally useless) . . .
. . . to her later insistence that she saved Elena from the flying spear of an angry native, because she wanted the perky brunette’s death to be EPIC, Rebekah had me chuckling multiple times throughout the episode.
Oh, and let’s not forget her wise recognition of Damon’s ASS-ets . . .
I also related very much to Rebekah’s obvious fear, as the group sat at the Blair Witch Campfire that night, of things going bump in the night. Many would argue that an All-Powerful Original Vampire shouldn’t fear lesser supernatural creatures, like ghosts and dumb natives.
But I’m personally terrified of spiders and cockroaches, so I certainly can’t fault her for that . . .
Plus, it gave her a nice excuse to cozy up close to Stefan, a union I fully support.
In addition to being funny, Rebekah also appears to be the Voice of Reason in this episode, when she reminds the rest of the Scooby Gang, that they are all just as evil murderous monsters as she is . . . killing anyone and everything that gets in the path of the people she loves. So, why don’t they all just cut the crap, and work together?
And work together is precisely what Stefan, Rebekah, and Elena ultimately decide to do . . . after Damon, JerBear and Bonnie disappear, and Wanna Be Ben Linus makes off with their precious headstone . . .
“Smell ya later, losers!”
Elena even offers Rebekah back her “Originals Take a Nap” Dagger, as a sort of peace offering.
I mean, it’s not like they have any other options. We interrupt the I Guess NOT Everybody Loves Elena After All Show, to bring you . . .
Klaus in a Box
Back in Mystic Falls, our loveable Box inhabitant gets his very first visitor, Tyler. (Welcome back, Tyler!) At first, they just growl and snarl at one another a bit, and exchange “I killed yo mama / yo brudda jokes.”
Tyler smugly notes that, once his Scooby pals get The Cure, they will use it to “humanize” Klaus, and break the sire line. This way, they can kill him, without subsequently murdering everyone in the cast. Look at you, Tyler. . . a few months as a hybrid, and already you are an Expert in Vampire Mythology And Other Things Completely Unknown to the Rest of the World.
(Except, a certain in-the-works spinoff tells us all, this isn’t actually going to happen. So, thanks for playing, Tyler. Better luck next time.)
Then, Caroline pops over to do a little happy house cleaning. I liked very much how her version of disposing of Kol’s dead corpse was putting a blanket over it. That’s how I handle most of the stains in my house, so I can relate.
When Klaus tries to appeal to Caroline’s good will for a Get Out of Box Free Card, she scoffs at the idea, insisting that Klaus “is not worth the calories she burns” yelling at him.
Huh? Since when does Vampire Barbie not like to burn calories? Don’t all girls like to burn calories? Are vampires even capable of burning calories, considering they are . . . you know . . . dead . . . and stuff?
So, many questions. Unfortunately, we won’t have time to answer any of them, because, the minute Caroline finishes speaking Klaus stakes Caroline, and bites her neck, rendering her unconscious, and, prospectively doomed to death by werewolf venom poison.
It looks like someone should have created a smaller Klaus Box . . . BONNIE!
So, now Caroline is dying . . . again . . . and it’s shades of the last time Caroline was dying from a werewolf bite. Except, this time, instead of sort of / kind of compelling Tyler to do it, this time Klaus “bites” the bullet, no pun intended, and does the dirty work himself . . .
“Now, that was well worth the calories,” Klaus jokes.
(Stupid boys and their fast metabolisms. They think it’s just soooooo easy to burn off a late night bite of Caroline . . .)
Tyler is horrified . . . Caroline is on the Gilbert fainting couch, looking really pretty for a near-death girl. Tyler begins to bargain out of desperation, “If you save her, I’ll be your b*tch again,” he pleads hopefully.
“Been there, sired that,” Klaus replies . . . more or less.
So, Tyler carries Caroline home to die in peace . . . annnnd then he brings her back.
(Now, that’s what I call a good workout!)
Tyler leaves Caroline to die in front of Klaus, which had to be a tough thing for him to do, on multiple levels. For one thing, there is no guarantee (at least in Tyler’s mind) that Klaus will save her. So, there’s a very good chance, he will return to the Gilbert’s house to find her dead. For another, Tyler is basically leaving the woman he loves in the arms of another man, hoping that THAT man’s love will be enough to allow her to continue living. AWKWARD!
From a character development perspective, I kind of wish the producers lingered on Tyler’s face for just a few brief moments, after he “dropped Caroline off.” I think it would have added an extra layer of poignancy to the scene. But unfortunately for Tyler, this storyline ended up not really being about him at all . . .
Like with Damon’s scenes this week, Klaus’ and Caroline’s “moment” was more notable for the brilliant acting displayed during it, than for the writing that made up the scene itself. I’ve never really considered myself much of a Klaus fangirl (waves at blogger pal, Amy / Imaginary Men). However, there’s just something about his Angry!Cry that just melts my heart to mush, every time I see it . . .
And Angry!Cry was in full force as the dying Caroline dangled the carrot of The Redemptive Power of Love in front of his face. “I’ve caught myself wishing I could forget all the horrible things you’ve done,” Caroline says, in one labored breathe. “Anyone capable of love, is capable of being saved,” she says in another.
Girlfriend is like a Life-sized Dying Hallmark Card . . .
But it worked . . . on Klaus, anyway . . . who Angry!Cried his bloody wrist to Caroline’s lips, just moments before she took her last breath . . .
Back at Lost and Found Island . . .
Jer Bear gets kidnapped by (I think) the axe murdering Johnny Depp, who tried to kill him, earlier in the episode . . .
“You’re not really Johnny Depp! Liar!”
Bonnie Smoke Monster makes some . . . wait for it . . . Black Smoke.
Damon wanders off to sulk, and gets temporarily killed by a (hot?) vampire hunter, as punishment for being overly broody . . .
Professor Evil drags new hostage Jer Bear and Bonnie off into the sunset to find Silas.
But at least he’s taken that ridiculous flashlight hat off his head . .
He looks like the forgotten cast member of The Village People.
Ruh-roh . . .
Next week, on The Vampire Diaries, meet Hot Vaughn: Vampire Hunter Extraordinaire. Here’s hoping he lets us see HIS Hunter Tattoo, before the hour is up . . .
Tune in next time to find out who! Until then, Fangbangers!