“If you’re going to be bad, be bad with a purpose.”
These are the sage words of advice “Mostly Reformed” Villain Damon Salvatore offers “Most-of-the-Time” Villain Klaus Mikaelson, while their respective friends and lovers are out trying to murder Klaus’ brother Kol.
A little ironic . . . don’t ya think?
But is Damon right? Are TV characters who do bad things for good reasons always redeemable, while those who do bad things for bad reasons are, in the words of Damon, himself, “just dicks?”
Take for example the now dearly departed, Kol Mikaelson. Here’s a guy who, make no mistakes, has been doing some pretty bad things lately. Let’s see . . .
He killed a group of innocent newbie vampires in a bar (though, let’s face it, they were all pretty much goners, regardless).
He threatened his own sister with the True Death.
He made Damon stab himself.
He compelled Damon to kill Jeremy.
He terrorized Elena and Jeremy in their own home.
Trust me, Santa is definitely not putting Kol on any Nice List, this year.
And yet, ostensibly speaking, Kol had good reasons for doing all of these things. He was doing them to try to avoid what he believed was the arrival of the END OF THE WORLD.
The Scooby Gang, on the other hand, murdered Kol, and, by extension THOUSANDS UPON THOUSANDS of vampires . . . not all of whom were definitively terrible people, by the way . . . because they wanted to . . . make it easier for Elena to resolve her romantic feelings for Damon and Stefan?
Hmm . . . maybe Damon’s wrong. Perhaps, the difference between a redeemable TV villain and an irredeemable one really just comes down to . . . whose name is higher on the credits?
Let’s review, shall we?
[As always, special thanks to Andre, whose screencaps are . . . wait for it . . . to DIE FOR, MWAH-HAHAHA!]
Vampire Walk of Shame
Those of us out there who have had the unfortunate experience of making a Bad Decision after a night of drinking, can certainly relate to Stefan’s desire to “dress and dash” at the first morning’s light, in order to avoid the inevitable “awkward conversation” that typically follows such Bad Decisions. Super vampire speed can come in pretty handy, in such situations!
*tiptoe, tiptoe, tiptoe, door open, squeeeeeaaaak*
Unless, of course, you are making Bad Decisions with other vampires. Then, you are kind of screwed . . .
“Hello, Guy Who just F*&ked My Sister. Care for a spot of tea?”
Stefan learns this the hard way, when he tries to make a quick escape from Rebekah’s bed, only to find himself face-to-face with her brother, Klaus . . . who, let’s face it, always seemed to have a not-so-secret crush on Stefan.
Talk about awkward!
Fortunately for Stefan, Klaus isn’t there to take a walk down Memory Sex Lane. He actually just wants Rebekah’s Make-the-Originals-Take-a-Nap Dagger, so that he can put down his pesky brother Kol. Rebekah has a few choice words for Klaus, in response to his request, and they rhyme with “Yuck Foo” (or, at least they would, if this show was on cable, instead of the CW).
Stefan, on the other hand, is a bit more receptive to Klaus’ argument. After all, daggering Kol, at least, at the present moment, seems to be the key to . . . wait for it . . . SAVING ELENA.
Something in the Water
Caroline is inexplicably on hiatus again, this week . . .
This means that Bonnie must take on her job of . . . having highly unnatural sounding telephone conversations with other members of the cast, with the sole purpose of re-hashing the plot of last week’s episode . . .
“Previously on The Vampire Diaries . . .”
“I’d rather strangle this balloon than be having this conversation.”
I thought the show’s
annoying helpful new intro took care of this . . .
“I’m stuck in the house, because Damon is compelled to kill Jeremy. But I want Jeremy to kill Kol. Because killing Kol means killing his entire vampire line. And killing lots of vampires means Jeremy’s tattoo can grow. And Jeremy’s fully grown tattoo equals a map to the vampire cure,” rambles Elena, as she essentially makes my “job” as a recapper completely useless.
Thanks a lot, biatch!
I’m not going to lie. I cheered when the newly-vervained water supply burned Elena’s dainty plot-spoiling fingertips. Girlfriend had it coming . . .
“Ayeeeeeeeee . . .”
“Do you have any idea how many supernatural creatures live here? You do realize that by vervaining supply, you are going to ensure that none of them can shower, right? Do you know how bad this place is going to stink, in about two days?“
Taking a page out of the movie Footloose, Bonnie’s dad unilaterally decides that teenagers dancing leads to death. So, he opts to cancel the school’s annual decade dance.
Unfortunately, in this case, dude’s probably right.
TVD’s Decade Dance episodes are almost always their most bloody. And this one will be no exception . . . In fact, it can be argued that this episode’s body count is the highest in TVD history . . .
Bonnie’s pretty pissed about the whole “no dance” thing. (She blew up those 99 damn red balloons for nothing!)
“Oddly enough, this is the most action I’ve had since I stopped sleeping with my almost brother.”
And I imagine her No Dance rage had a bit to do with her going all Stephen King’s Carrie on Kol, when he tried to accost her in the hallway by the lockers.
“NO! Not popped balloons! Anything but popped balloons! Please Bonnie, have mercy on my soul! (Maybe you could just give me a papercut, like you did that Shane guy.)”
Now granted, Bonnie does some pretty cool witchy things, by the end of this episode. So, I’ll give her a break here. But it must be said, that, just like with last week’s “gave Shane a paper cut,” moment, Bonnie’s “defense” against Kol’s advances is pretty Magic Lame. Popping balloons? Slamming lockers? Around these parts that’s what we call a Temper Tantrum.
And yet “All Powerful Original Vampire” Kol was on his knees, inexplicably screaming in anguish from this lackluster demonstration. So, Not-Yet-Dark-Willow 2.0 must have been doing something right. . .
Damon Salvatore’s Revenge Sex Handbook, and other items on my Must Read List
Dirty, pride-wounded, and half drained of blood, Damon is still looking mighty hot, as he naps on the floor of the Makeshift Correctional Institution for Wayward Salvatores. Stefan treats his brother like a dog, throwing blood vial treats on the floor by his face, and offering him probably piss warm re-bottled tap water to drink. (Important later) What’s the matter, Steffy? You couldn’t spring from some Poland Spring?
Oh how the mighty hath fallen! Big Bad Klaus has been relegated to the job of babysitter/ prison warden, while Stefan heads out looking for Rebekah’s Make-the-Originals-Take-a-Nap Dagger to use on Kol.
“Peekaboo! It’s your friendly neighborhood prison warden!”
He shares with Damon gossip about Stefan’s sexcapades with Rebekah. And I’ll be damned if big bro doesn’t seem just the slightest bit proud of his brother’s newfound sluttiness!
“Look whose taken a page out of my Revenge Sex Handbook,” muses Damon.
First Katherine, then Elena, and now Rebekah . . . these two bro vamps sure do seem to enjoy dipping their pens in the same company ink, don’t they? Speaking of Salvatore Sex Buddies . . .
Elena’s Master Plan
Stefan is pissed off enough at Elena to remove her picture from his cell phone, but not pissed enough to delete her from his contacts entirely. So, when Elena calls Stefan, the generic “Male Silhouette” pops up on his phone, instead of his ex-girlfriend’s smug face.
I thought it was pretty hilarious that, when Elena started detailing her plans to Stefan on how she planned to kill Kol, Stefan turned on his motorcycle, so Klaus couldn’t hear them.
“Previously on The Vampire Diaries . . .”
“Wait, I’m turning on my motorcycle so Klaus can’t hear us.”
“I SAID, I’M TURNING ON THE MOTORCYCLE, SO KLAUS CAN’T HEAR . . . oh, fudge!”
Riiiiight, because the Original Vampire’s Super Hearing is strong enough that he can hear telephone conversations going on UPSTAIRS and OUTSIDE HOUSE WALLS, but not telephone conversations that are DROWNED OUT BY THE DULL ROAR OF AN ENGINE.
Anywhoo, Elena wants Stefan to use the Make-Originals-Take-a-Nap dagger on Rebekah (or, rather, have Matt do it for him), so that Jeremy can kill Kol, and Bonnie can “do something” to Klaus. And, just like that, the Band is back together again . . .
Happy House Guests and Maneaters
All two people who shipped Elena and Kol as a couple were probably thrilled that it was her job to hit on him in her home, while Matt helped Stefan look for Rebekah’s dagger, and JerBear headed off in search of BonBon. Kol tries to smooth, by waxing poetic about “music” and yammering on about the classy alcoholic beverages of yesteryear. But let’s face it, he’s no Elijah . . .
ELENA: “Yooooo hooo, I’m flirting with you, and plying you with alcohol! It’s your job to love me! Don’t forget what show you’re on!”
KOL: “Shut up, wench. I’m in the middle of beating Grand Theft Auto.”
ELENA: “You’re sooo not surviving this episode . . .”
Why not stick to what you do best, Kol? Making people stab themselves, and clocking them on the head with baseball bats?
Meanwhile, Rebekah is rocking out to the song “Maneater,” while whining about the lameness of 80’s fashions. Having missed every single decade dance, since the show’s inception, Rebekah seems more resigned than dejected, when she learns that this one was canceled.
And yet, try as she might to look nonchalant, when Stefan presents her with the idea of attending the dance anyway, the perpetual 17-year old’s face lights up, like a kid on Christmas morning . . .
“If this were really an 80’s movie, you’d be the bitchy girl, who, dated James Spader, and got screwed in the end, while Molly Ringwald got the boy. But since you were sleeping during that decade, we can pretend it’s the other way around.”
Villain Bonding Session
In my second favorite scene in the episode (we’ll get to my favorite soon enough), Klaus randomly asks Damon for advice on how to get the girl of your dreams to fall in love with you, despite the fact that you occasionally murder people she cares about . . .
“Been there, done her . . .”
As I mentioned at the beginning of this recap, Damon advises Klaus that the key to being a redeemable villain is doing bad things for good reasons. Unfortunately, this doesn’t help Klaus all that much. After all, he’s the guy that killed Aunt Jenna, because he wanted to build himself a Slave Army, and killed Tyler’s mom and twelve hybrids, because he was Having a Bad Day . . .
Cheer up, Klaus. Redemption is overrated, anyway . . .
Worst . . . Family Meeting EVERRRRRR!
Sucky is when your dad confiscates your cell phone and your car keys, so you can’t go out and play in the Save Elena games with your Scooby Gang.
“I got your phone, and you can’t have it, Nah-nah, nah-nah, nah-nahhhhhh.”
SUPER SUCKY is when your ex-boyfriend barges in and tries to kill your vampire mother, so she suffocates you, and drugs you, so you can’t leave the house . . .
“Ew, mom, your hand stinks. Who have you been eating?”
Ode to the 80’s
Unlike some of the other decades this series has represented, you can tell that the 80’s is one that a majority of the show’s writers have actually lived through, and thoroughly enjoyed, tacky wardrobe choices notwithstanding. Paul Wesley (speaking in Stefan’s voice, of course), who, himself is an 80’s baby, seems almost wistful, as he describes movies like Say Anything, The Princess Bride, and The Breakfast Club.
I gotta say though, I kind of thought they’d go with a Pretty in Pink reference, especially given the locale . . .
But I guess that’s not really a “Dude Movie,” not even for “sensitive vampire dudes” like Stefan . . .
Though I bet Edward Cullen would just eat that sh*t up . . .
And while, as far as plot points go, this scene did little to advance the main story, it did serve to reveal a side of both Rebekah and Stefan that we haven’t seen before . . . their shared sentimentality and sense of nostalgia. Plus, I thought it was a little kinky that Rebekah’s “koala corsage,” was grabbing at her boob the whole time they danced . . .
Upon learning that Rebekah has conveniently hidden the dagger in her boot, Stefan gets right to business, cleverly suggesting the pair practice The Breakfast Club Slide (Is that a Thing? I didn’t know that was a Thing?), as a way to get her barefoot.
She sees right through his evil scheme, though . . .
Ruh Roh! Nice knowing ya, Steffy!
Except . . . wait a minute . . . Rebekah’s totally COOL with giving her little bro the Big Sleep . . .
. . . if it means getting a chance to use the vampire cure on herself, that is . . .
Sorry Matt Donovan, Dagger Finder! You’ve just been rendered entirely useless, for yet another episode . . .
“Always a bridesmaid . . .”
Speaking of Originals, who know they’ve been betrayed . . .
After phoning Brother Klaus to give him the 411 on his so-called allies, Kol angrily barges back into Casa Gilbert to tell Elena he’s denied her phony request for a truce. He stabs Elena with some wood, tries to chop off Jeremy’s arm on the carving table, gets sprayed in the face with vervain water, and chases Elena and JerBear around the house a bit, like he’s the Wil E. Coyote, and they are the Road Runners.
“Anybody hungry? I thought I’d make some Hunter’s Stew, heavy on the hunter.”
And just like the Wil E. Coyote, Kol makes one VERY stupid mistake . . .
Hey buddy, question for you. Why would you bring THE WEAPON DESIGNED SPECIFICALLY TO KILL ONLY YOU to the house of the people who REALLY WANT TO KILL YOU?
“I’m a mini villain, and even I know that’s a bad idea.”
And kill him they do! While Kol is being distracted by vervain water and shiny objects (like Elena’s boobs), Elena grabs the stake from him, tosses it to JerBear, and allows the latter to finish the job.
“Stop drop and roll, buddy. Just stop, drop and roll . . .”
KABLOOEY, Hot Kol has just become REALLY HOT KOL . . .
And then ASH KOL . . .
And then DEAD KOL . . .
No spinoff for you, little man! That’s what you get for not being nice to Elena on the Everybody Loves Elena show. . . Better luck, next series!
Klaus the Mime
Hey guys, Kol’s dead!
You know what that means. That’s right. An uncompelled Damon has earned his Get of Jail Free card from the Correctional Institution for Wayward Salvatores. More importantly, now he can go back to screwing Elena. YIPPEEE!
In other news, Bonnie went all Witchy Roid Rage on her parental units, and made it back to Casa Gilbert just in time for a furious Klaus to land on their doorstep, and realize his brother is Definitely Dead this time . . . not just taking a 500 year nap, like last time . . .
Klaus, of course, is hopping mad, and threatens to blow Elena’s house down, like the wolf in the Three Little Pigs story. Actually, he threatens to BURN it down. Honey, your brother already tried that. It didn’t work out so well for him.
Turns out, Klaus didn’t really want the cure to make Elena human, and make more hybrids. He wants to DESTROY IT!
(Really, Klaus? You go through all that trouble to find something, and then you want to throw it away? Wouldn’t it have just been easier to go along with Kol’s plan, and prevent the cure from being found at all?)
“Now you tell me?”
In an unintentionally hilarious moment, Bonnie leads Klaus into the Gilbert living room, and inexplicably uses some witchy juju to LOCK HIM IN . . .
“Klaus, you’re doing it wrong. Clearly, in your thousand years of time on Earth, you never spent time at the Jersey Shore. A fist pump looks like this.”
Cue Klaus screaming and banging his fist against the air. That homeless mime, who I see every day outside the subway would be SO impressed. Screw the Originals spinoff. I want to watch a show that features new guest stars every week coming to talk to a faux-imprisoned Klaus at the Gilbert Home. Imagine all the hijinks! They could call it “Klaus in a Box.”
Speaking of funny . . .
You wouldn’t like JerBear when he’s angry . . .
Back at La Casa de Rich and Awesome the Scooby Gang reunites for my favorite scene of the episode. At first, nothing much happens. Damon and Elena hug and kiss, but can’t do much else, because all those pesky other people are there watching.
Stefan pops in to inform everyone that their former nemesis, Rebekah, has now joined the Scoobies. And why not? After all, Rebekah has already paid the membership fee, by getting a Stefan injection . . . if you catch my drift . . .
Elena, of course, thinks this idea is crap. Because
she’s the fairest one of all, gosh darn it! And she’s not going to have to put up with another lady who has intimate knowledge of which Salvatore brother has the bigger weiner. No sir! Not on the Everybody Loves Elena Show! she doesn’t trust Rebekah.
Damon and Stefan exchange words about their lady loves. Stefan issues a particularly below the belt sire bond comment.
The two are about to beat the crap out of one another for the 85,000 time this series . . .
. . . when . . . MY FAVORITE PART OF THE EPISODE HAPPENS!
JerBear starts growling, and ripping off his shirt, like he’s just been told he got the starring role in Hulk: The Musical. And I start laughing hysterically at his expense, until I see his muscles all covered in dead vampire tattoos. Then, suddenly, I fall silent, mesmerized by the hotness of it all.
Surely, the sight of Jeremy’s naked chest makes the death of thousands of vampires, worth it? Doesn’t it?
Next week on The Vampire Diaries, the Scooby Gang goes camping on Lost island! (Here’s hoping Damon and Elena have sex in a bear cage.)
See you then, Fangbangers!