“A long time ago, we used to be friends . . .” – Thoughts and Speculation on The Veronica Mars Movie

 

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Unless you happen to have been living under a rock this past week, you’ve probably heard a little something about the Massively Successful Kickstarter Campaign to convert Veronica Mars from long-defunct television series to Movie for the Me Generation.

 

So, now that us long-time VM fans finally have our movie, the logical next question is: “What’s it going to be about?”

Series creator Rob Thomas has wasted little time providing us with a surprisingly detailed answer to that probing question.

A 10-year high school reunion?  A high-profile celebrity murder?  A “friend” of Veronica’s accused of a crime he (probably?) didn’t commit?  It’s like all the best plot points of Season 1 of the series, rolled into one awesomely pint-sized package!  Kind of like Veronica herself .  . .

 

 

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And let us not forget the most important thing.  Logan Echolls . . . he’s SINGLE ladies!

 

 

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Having a Dead Girlfriend will do that for you . . .

Now, while the general film plot points are already in place, there’s still quite a bit of speculation to be had, about what sort of things we can expect to see in this film.  Of course, certain aspects of the film are already a given.  Here are a few things I am 100% positive will appear in the Veronica Mars Movie:

 

 

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1) Cast Cameos Galore

Nothing says fan-backed film like a full-on cast reunion.  Obviously, no Veronica Mars film would be complete without the likes of Logan Echolls, Keith Mars, Wallace Fennel, Mac Mackenzie, Dick Casablancas, and Weevil.

But what about fan favorites, like the hilariously ruthless Vinnie Van Lowe?

 

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Deputy Leo (or as many of know him better, Schmidt from New Girl)?

Logan’s troubled sister, Trina?

That hilarious chick from Freaks and Geeks?

And JONATHAN TAYLOR THOMAS as The Crooked CIA Agent, who inadvertently brought about the first Logan/Veronica kiss?

 

 

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But with every character we’d love to see return to the series, there are a few we’d just as soon relegate to the video vault, never to be seen again . . .

Like, for example, almost all of Veronicas and Logan’s annoying (why even bother trying) temporary love interests . . .

Piz . . .

 

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Parker . . .

Hannah . . .

That Drug Dealer Dude, who dated Veronica for three episodes . . .

Pretty much, all of Wallace Fennel’s love interests . .  .

 

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That character played by that chick from The Hills .  . .

 

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And the “B from Apartment 23” (Sorry Krysten Ritter!)

 

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2) Celebrity Cameos that (hopefully) do not include Paris Hilton

Though the Veronica Mars cast was mainly comprised of young, talented, unknowns, who were still waiting to get their feet wet in Hollywood, quite a few well-established actors made notable appearances on the show, including, but not limited to .  . .

Leighton Meester . . .

Kevin Smith . . .

Paul Rudd . . .

Michael Cera . . .

Alyson Hannigan . . .

and Joss Whedon . . .

We already know from Rob Thomas that Logan will be dating a pop star.  Wouldn’t it be great if a real-life pop star took on the role, in a self-deprecatingly exaggerated version of herself?  Someone like Carly Rae Jepsen, perhaps, or Taylor Swift, maybe even Britney Spears . . .

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What celebrities would you like to see featured in the new Veronica Mars movie?

3) Veronica Mars’ trademark snarky voiceover narration

One of the things I always adored about Veronica Mars as a character, was her distinctive voice. When done incorrectly, voiceovers can be an annoyance, distracting from, and hindering the main plot, with needless exposition.  But, somehow, Rob Thomas managed to make Veronica Mars’ voiceovers a welcome, and necessary, addition to the series.  They made you feel closer to the main character, almost like you knew her personally.  I’m hoping that Thomas opts to continue this trend, during the film.

 

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4) Oodles of Super Sweet (but not too sappy) Daddy / Daughter moments

Most shows geared toward a teen audience tend to substantially minimize the roles of any character over the age of 30.  Parents usually exist on these shows, solely as an impediment to the action of the main plot.  They ground the characters, to prevent them from going to the parties they need to attend.  They disapprove of their significant others.  They razz them about their grades and poor school attendance.

Not so, for Veronica Mars.  As a young P.I., adults were an integral part of Veronica’s world.  They were her clients, suspects in her cases, and, sometimes, they were her friends.  But no adult was more important to Veronica’s life than her father, Keith Mars.  There was just something so real, and authentic about this daddy/ daughter relationship.  Unlike many TV parents, Keith Mars was a good dad.  He cared about his daughter, and related to her, not only as a guardian, but also as a friend, confidant and colleague.

Now, that Veronica herself is an adult, I can only imagine that her and Keith Mars will come to regard one another even more as equals.   And I look forward to seeing their relationship develop, during the film.

5) Flashbacks, flashbacks, and more flashbacks . . .

Since one of it’s main characters was a corpse . . .

Veronica Mars was a TV series that spent a lot of time in the past.  Hazy, dreamlike flashback scenes, became a mainstay of the show, often offering important insight into current character motivations, and, sometimes, even invaluable clues for solving the murder mystery at hand.

Considering that The Veronica Mars movie will be taking place ten-years after the series’ conclusion, I suspect we will be treated to plenty of flashbacks that will fill in the blanks as to what Veronica, Logan and company have been doing during all these long, lost years . . .

6) Off the charts LoVe sexual tension!

Ahhhh, LoVe . . . sweet, sensual . . . dysfunctional, destructive .  . . LoVe.  It’s no secret that I’ve always been a big fan of this pairing, which still ranks right up their in my uber competitive list of the Top Ten TV Couples of All Time.

LoVe fans were left with a bit of an ambiguous ending for this star-crossed duo, in the series finale of the show, which left off with the characters definitively separated from one another, but still making googly eyes at one another from across a crowded lunchroom . . .

 

 

Based on the premise of the film, Veronica and Logan have not yet experienced their happily ever after.  We learn right off the bat, that Logan has been in as series relationship with someone else.  And Veronica’s love life, for the time being, still remains a mystery.

 

 

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But with a 10-year high school reunion looming large over their heads, and Logan in desperate need of Veronica’s sleuthing services, one can only imagine that this scorching couple will be falling into one another’s orbits once again.  And we all know what happens when these two come into close contact with one another . . .

Here are a few other VM plot points that may / or may not make their way to the silver screen:

1) A Surprise Mac / Dick Coupling?

She’s a cynical computer whiz, raised by a blue-collar family,  despite having come from silver spoon roots.  He’s the arrogant, airheaded son of a white collar criminal, and the brother of a murderous sociopath.

A match made in Heaven, this was certainly not . . .  And yet, there was just something about these two that made you wonder if Rob Thomas was contemplating coupledom for them, had the series continued on for a fourth and fifth season.

Perhaps, The Veronica Mars Movie will enable these polar opposites to finally attract . . .

2) A Ghostly Lily Visitation?

Though virtually unknown as an actress prior to receiving her role as the mysterious, complex, and deeply flawed, Dead Best Friend Lily on Veronica Mars, Amanda Seyfried is now, pretty much a household name, having landed major movie roles in films like Mean Girls, Les Miserables, and the critically acclaimed television series, Big Love.

 

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When your character is killed off a television show, bringing you back for the reunion is always a challenge.  But if there is a way to do it, rest assured Rob Thomas will find it .  . .

 

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3) Veronica’s return to Mars Investigations?

Given how heavily Veronica’s FBI aspirations were featured in the show, and how much time she spent working as a private investigator for her father’s firm,  I was a bit surprised that that Rob Thomas ultimately decided to make her a lawyer.  For one thing, it’s a pretty hefty departure from Thomas’ original ideas for the show’s fourth season.

 

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I’m thinking there’s a sob story behind this radical career change.  And if that’s the case, there’s a strong possibility that Veronica’s film happily ever after might set her back on her original path . . .

Speaking of Happily Ever Afters . . .

4) Love for Keith Mars

From alcoholics to married women to Wallace’s mom, Keith Mars was no stranger to messy, doomed, relationships.  Will The Veronica Mars Movie finally bring TV’s Favorite Dad his perpetual Plus One?  Here’s hoping . . .

And finally . . .

5) A Veronica / Logan Endgame?

 

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Movie makers are artists.  But they are also, to some extent, hired hands, who are struggling to earn a paycheck, just like the rest of us working stiffs.  I’m sure you’ve all read the stories about the film creator who was forced to compromise his vision at the hands of the Big Studio Suits, whose hands were holding the purse strings.  Substitute those four or five Big Studio Suits for 55,000 intense TV fans, and you’ve got an idea of what Rob Thomas is up against, when he’s deciding how to properly conclude the Veronica Mars saga.

 

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Given that, I honestly can’t imagine a scenario in which Rob Thomas doesn’t conclude this film with a Veronica and Logan Happily Ever After.  And, I for one, am THRILLED that this is the case . . .

But here’s the thing, when you care about a TV couple, as much as I care about Veronica and Logan, you want what’s best for them.  So, my hope for this story, is that the inevitable Veronica and Logan reunion is written in such a way that feels authentic and true to the characters . . . not like something that was just slapped on to the end of the movie, because the writers felt like that was what fans wanted.

Obviously, a Veronica and Logan coupling is going to have complications, given the amount of offscreen time, during which they’ve presumably been apart.  And, of course, let’s not forget, the whole, “Logan’s Got a Dead Rockstar Girlfriend” thing . . .

 

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Of course, we’ve survived Logan’s Dead Girlfriends, before.  Despite Lily remaining a strong presence in both Veronica’s and Logan’s lives, the writers somehow managed to make the development of Veronica’s romance with her dead best friend’s ex-boyfriend feel genuine and not cheap.  But can lightening strike twice in this spot, especially when so much time has past?

 

All fingers crossed . . .

So, tell me, Veronica Mars fans, what kinds of things are YOU expecting / hoping to see in the upcoming feature film?

 

[www.juliekushner.com][Fangirls Forever]

Gossip Girl is DEAD . . . and a Donut?! – A Recap of Gossip Girl’s SERIES Finale

“I’m Mini Bass.”

My dear GGers.  I know I’ve been a bit remiss this season about recapping the trials and tribulations of our favorite Upper East Siders.  (OK . . . I haven’t recapped them at all.)

However, seeing as Gossip Girl uttered her final XOXO earlier this week, I felt I couldn’t possibly bid the series a fond adieu, without at least offering up some final words .  . . consider it a eulogy, of sorts.

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In which Bart Bass proves that Evil Old Men can fly . .  . and die.

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Here’s a philosophical question for you. If a man falls from the roof of a heavily populated skyscraper, onto a busy street, and no one sees him go splat (or is squashed by him), did it really happen?

Last week, we all laughed inappropriately at the sight of Chuck Bass battling his Big Bad Dad on the roof, as “SCARY” Music swelled awkwardly in the background.  We marveled at how a single push from Chuck, who, let’s face it, has never exactly been the athletic type . . .

Bass-ketball, anyone?

. . . was enough to send NotDonaldTrump soaring over the side of the skyscraper, like an inept super villain in the final pages of a comic book.

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“Just hanging out . . .”

Then, we giggled as Blair and Chuck did all but throw the man a Going Away Party as the Big Bass-tard plummeted to his death.

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Hey, that was actually kind of fun to watch.  Let’s see that again . . .

I know.  I’m a terrible person.  Moving on . . .

Perhaps, all the hot air that filled Bart Bass’s head facilitated a surprisingly smooth landing.  Because, not only did the real estate magnate’s dive-bombing body not cause ANY damage whatsoever to the streets below, the sheet that is now covering it is conspicuously free of blood.  Talk about a classy way to go!  Then again, Bart Bass is what some would call an Expert Die-r.  He’s done this before . . .

Reporters are now on the scene.  And police are questioning everyone on the Upper East Side, even going as far as to stop limos leaving the party where Bart Bass was last seen.  Of course, they are only checking the back seats of those limos . . . not the trunks.  After all, why would someone who just committed murder hide away in the trunk of a car?  That would be silly!

Possible conception spot for Henry Bass?

Yes, boys and girls, Chuck and Blair are ON THE LAM!  (I’ve always wanted to say that.)

They’ve turned themselves into a modern-day Bonnie and Clyde.  You know how I know?  Because the song playing in the background on Gossip Girl says so!

In which everyone finds out Bart Bass is dead, and Chuck is a suspect, except . . . you know . . . THE GUY WHO OWNS THE NEWSPAPER!

Oh dear sweet Nate, with your permanently glassy (but still very pretty) blue eyes from a decade of pot smoking ./ . . and your equal opportunity boning of tweens and cougars alike . . . you must seriously be the WORST NEWSPAPER MAN EVER!  OK . . . OK, I know you are dating a 17-year old.  And she probably told you that using pretty-colored handwritten index cards to study once helped her earn a B+ on a very hard exam about the Civil War.  But seriously?  This is how you choose to solve the mystery of Gossip Girl’s identity?  No wonder it took you five years!

Also, hey I majored in journalism   write a blog  watched Newsroom a few times on HBO!  I know that all major news outlets get blasts on the wire, before everybody else.  Not Nate though.  He has to get a call from Ivy/Charlie/CallMeSerena telling him to turn on the television, where Bart’s death has made prime time.  Nate Archibald, you’ve just been scooped . . . again.

I like how uniformly uncooperative the rest of the Non-Judging Breakfast Club, and their respective parental units, are when the police come snooping around for C and B, especially since it seems like most of them are 100% certain their friends / children are guilty of murder.  Now that’s what I call true friendship.  If I had to choose a favorite brush-off of the po-po, however, I’d probably have to go with Nate.  I mean, it takes a real true blue friend to tell a cop.  “Yes, there’s a rather young looking woman in my bedroom.  And yes, it’s quite obvious I’m sleeping with her, which I know is statutory rape.  But no, she can’t talk to you about Chuck Bass, Mr Policeman, because she is much too young.

“Do you think we can hurry this up?  Spongebob Squarepants is on in three minutes.”

Speaking of super sneaky legal loopholes . . .

“It’s twisted, but very you . . .”

“Peekaboob!”

Chuck and Blair are holed up in a hotel . . . ON THE LAM (Twice in one recap, WOO HOO!).  And who should pop in with a tray he stole from room service (probably after schtupping the maid), but a surprisingly twiggy looking Jack Bass?    (Oh, seeing these three individuals in a hotel room together, brings back bad memories.  No me gusta.)

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Turns out, the dude put a tracking device on Chuck Bass’ limo, just for sh*ts and giggles.  You know, because that’s not creepy at all . . .

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Anywhoo, since Blair is the only person on the entire planet who saw Chuck, not so much kill Bart, as huff and puff and blow his body off the building, Jack comes up with the idea that the two should get married!

This will enable the pair to take advantage of the spousal privilege laws that prevent husbands and wives from testifying against one another in court.  It will also serve as a massive apology to Chair fans, who have suffered through Blair’s ill-fated pseudo-romantic relationships with the likes of a Louis-bot and  a certain doughy pastry, who shall remain not-so-nameless.

“It’s twisted, but it’s very you,” Jack Bass muses.

(It’s also the Graysons on Revenge.  Spousal privilege marriages are SO the new Greencard Marriages.)

Chuck is bothered by this.  He wants the love of his life to have the wedding of her dreams.  Blair reminds him that she did that already, back last season when she married the cyborg with the weird accent, thus proving that dreams are usually VERY overrated.

She also reminds Chuck of this memorable moment between them . . .

Upon being reminded that he and Blair aren’t a boring couple .  . . like say Louis-bot and Blair . . . or Blair and You Know Who, Chuck decides to propose again.  And why not?  He knows this is the only realistic way to get him and Blair married off and spawning during this abridged final hour of television, amidst about 30 minutes of those cloying Carrie Diaries commercials loves this woman, and wants to spent the rest of his life with her.  The ends therefore, definitely justify the shady means . . .

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Meanwhile, on some private jet . . .

In which Serena forgives Donut way too quickly, despite never actually receiving an apology (or a retraction)

Call me callous.  But if someone published really crappy things about me in Vanity Fair for the world to read.  And then he sent me some nice words about me that he never planned to publish, I would probably use the paper containing those “nice words” as toilet paper, the next time I really had to pee.

But I guess Serena is a better person than me . . . or at least a dumber one.  Because all it takes is a few kind paper words from Donut Dan.  And, suddenly, girlfriend has abandoned her private jet to LaLa land (must be nice), and returned to the “villain’s” apartment for “answers,” and, I suspect, a hopeful shot at makeup sex.

“I also have very little self respect.  Shhh!”

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Now, maybe it’s just because I’m not a big Dan Fan.  But, honestly, I didn’t find the guy’s apology all that “apologetic.”  Basically, Dan’s explanation for why he wrote terrible things about Serena was because he developed a crush on her sophomore year, to the tunes of Rihanna’s Pon de Replay, and has been stalking her ass ever since?  That sounds more like a confession of guilt to me.  But hey, at least it gave us the opportunity to see Flashback!Chuck and Flashback!Nate in HIDEOUS wigs, and hear Flashback!Blair utter the words “Happy Barf Day!”

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Elsewhere in Manhattan . . .

Ivy Dickens, Queen of the Swamp People, star of “Nobody Gives a Damn”

Question: If a woman who is always boning younger guys is called a cougar, what do you call a young woman with a penchant for humping fogies?  Cougarthritis?

Maybe you just call her Charlie/Ivy/CallmeSerena . . .

Yeah, poor St. Ives . . . She thought the death of Bart Bass meant a beginning of public bliss for her and the perpetually sniveling Dr. VDW.  But, in a classic case of Turnabout is Fair Poison Ivy, the good doctor — who once tried to poison his ex wife, in order to get her to love him again — was only using Ivy to get to Lily, just as Ivy was using Rufus for the exact same reason . . . well sort of . . .

Be careful, VDW.  This chick has bunny burner written all over her . . .

So you could imagine how mortified / miserable Ivy became when Dr. VDW denied their relationship ever existed, in front of none other than Miss Lily herself.  “You’re a Lifetime movie called ‘Nobody Gives a Damn,’ the Ivy Dickens story.  Actually, I think I saw that one before.  Didn’t Tori Spelling star in it?

Just as hilarious is Dr. VDW’s assessment that Ivy’s Florida roots made her “Queen of the Swamp People.”  There is always a certain type of New Yorker, who believes that any residence outside of the five boroughs is basically Hillbilly town.  VDW is definitely one of those dudes.  He’s a total douche, but at least he’s damn funny.  Maybe they should have made him Gossip Girl . . .

The Quick and The Wed

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I don’t know about you.  But if I had a bunch of cops out looking for me, and I didn’t want to be found, the absolute last place I’d go would be the local courthouse.  But that’s where Chuck and Blair go to get their quickie marriage license.  (Now, come on.  I know it’s not Vegas. But there’s gotta be at least one of those crazy drive-thru chapel’s in Manhattan.  Just saying . . .)

Once their marriage is legal, Chuck and Blair decide to make it official, inviting all of their friends for an impromptu wedding over at . . . of all places THE MET!  How fitting!  Chuck even gives Blair an Egyptian Snake ring to seal the deal.  It’s no Harry Winston.  That’s for sure.  But in a way, like the circumstances surrounding their marriage, it’s . . . wait for it . . . “twisted, but totally them.”

At the wedding Dan magically gives Worst Newsman Ever Nate a Vanity Fair piece on Gossip Girl, and Nate acts like he’s just received inside information on the taking down of Osama Bin Laden.  (Knowing Nate, he probably isn’t even aware that’s happened yet.)  He gets his high school girlfriend to publish the scoop on his behalf (because, you know, Nate’s “staff” only consists of people he porks), and turns his attention back to the wedding.

When the Newsie overhears Mini Blair and Mini Serena (remember those two?) on the steps of the Met complaining that Gossip Girl never published their scoop on Chuck and Blair’s quickie wedding, Nate FINALLY puts two and two together, and figures out that . . . DAN . . . IS . . . GOSSIP GIRL!

But then the girls end up reporting C&B to the police.  (INGRATES!)  And now it’s race against the clock to get them “kiss the briding” in time.  Chuck dips Blair into a triumphant kiss, uttering his trademark, “three words, eight letters” line just moments before the cops take him and his new bride away.  Part of me kind of wishes that, when the cops came for “Blair Waldorf,” she would have announced “I’m Blair Bass,” in true “Mrs. Chuck” style.

But she didn’t.  I guess Blair isn’t really the type to take a man’s last name, even if it’s Chuck Bass’.  Oh well . . .

It’s Donut Dan’s Coming Out Party, and YOU’RE Invited

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Hilarity ensues, when Nate’s cheeseball newspaper outs Dan Humphrey as Gossip Girl, and we get to watch all the show’s past guest stars react.  “I always thought it was Dorota,” exclaims Mayor Michael Bloomberg.

(Sure, blame the maid.  Typical New York politician . . .)

“That B*TCH!” Announces Agnes, that chick who once burned Little Jenny Humphrey’s fashion designs in an outdoor trashcan  . . .

Juliet and Vanessa are also shocked,  but not quite as shocked as Rachel Bilson and the voice of GG herself, Kristen Bell, who in a highly meta scene, play themselves auditioning for the film version of Dan’s book, Inside.  “Gossip Girl is real?”  Bilson exclaims, as Kristen Bell offers an exaggerated wink at the camera.

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Oh Veronica Mars!  I haven’t had this much fun watching you on my screen, since that one time when you killed Sookie Stackhouse .  . .

. . .  or that other time when you got really, REALLY excited about a sloth . . .

Plothole, Schmathole.  It’s the FINALE!

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OK.  Now despite having never been a Dan Fan, there are some things I really like about his character ending up being Gossip Girl.  For one thing, unlike that goopy love letter he wrote to Serena that somehow ended up in the New Yorker, during Season 1, or that crap Dair fanfiction we know better as Dan’s first “novel” Inside,  the fact that Dan, even at the young age of 16, was able to so seamlessly mimic the voice of a snooty Upper East Side female actually makes him a GOOD writer.  This show has always been telling us, ad nauseum, that Dan had talent, but this is the first and only time I actually believe it.

And yeah, that “talent” also makes him a sociopath . . . one that most likely has multiple personality disorder.

It’s the only possible explanation for his sending blasts to Gossip Girl, and acting visibly surprised when they hit his own e-mail, despite being alone at the time he received them.  Or how about that time when Gossip Girl outed Dan for porking a teacher?  Or the time when Dan porked the Hillary Duff character, and Gossip Girl knew she was an actress back when she first appeared, but it took “Dan” weeks to figure it out . . .  Let’s not forget that the whole time Dan dated Blair, Gossip Girl thought she was a better match for Chuck . . .

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It’s actually pretty clear that the writers hadn’t decided on the identity of Gossip Girl, until at least early Season 5, despite their protests to the contrary.

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But hey, now we just have another reason to re-rent those DVD’s and prove them wrong right?  From a marketing perspective, choosing Dan as Gossip Girl was actually pretty genius . . .

Oh, and I did like the idea that Little J knew that Dan was Gossip Girl, and used it to her own advantage, like when she wanted to challenge Blair as Queen B, and when she wanted to leave town, after her unfortunate virginity slicing rendezvous with Chuck . . .

In short, those Humpty Dumpty’s really were the ultimate scheming social climbers .  . . something we’ve really always secretly suspected,  back in Season 1.

But what I don’t understand is why everyone but Blair was totally cool with it, especially considering how many times Gossip Girl ruined each of their lives, while Donut Dan sat idly by and feigned moral anguish?

I guess considering the guy has already lambasted the entire Upper East Side crew, first in a national bestseller, and then in Vanity Fair, nothing would surprise them about this douche.

And yet, when Dan triumphantly announced that Gossip Girl is dead, part of me wishes the entire cast pulled out their carving knives and killed him.  Now THAT would have been a cool ending . . .

A Derena Wedding and the Most Adorable Mini Bass EVER

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Flash forward five years into the future.  Chuck and Blair are happily married with the best-cast child star EVER as their kid “Henry Bass.”  (a clever nod to Chuck’s days living in Europe under the pseudonym “Henry Prince”).

But where was Monkey?

“I’ve been replaced by a child star.  GRRR!”

Blair has taken over Waldorf designs, with none other than Jenny Humphrey herself, as her prime fashion designer . . .

(She’s come a long way since her days as a rabid raccoon . . .)

(Though, honestly, these two’s fashion senses couldn’t be more disparate, so I’m not really sure how that works.)

Lily is married to Dr. VDW again.  And Rufus is married to . . . wait for it . . . Lisa LOEB.  Remember her?

All those years, and girlfriend never bought a new pair of glasses . . .

Jack Bass hooked up with Georgina Sparks, which kind of works, considering they are pretty much both the same person.

(Though I do wonder what happened to Baby Milo and that “Nice Guy” she used to call her husband.)

Nate is single, but running for MAYOR?!

(And you said Gossip Girl wasn’t funny!)

Eric VDW is back from the set of Revenge, and spouting some facial hair.  But he’s single too.

And how could we forget Charlie/Ivy/CallMeSerena Dickens?

He’s PSYCHIC!

Oh, and it took five years, but Serena finally married Gossip Girl.  Ahhh . . . a gay wedding, in more ways than one . . .

Even Donuts deserve love . . .

In the episode’s final moments, Kristen Bell reprises her role as the voice of Gossip Girl one more time, only this time around she’s the voice of a NEW GENERATION of Upper East Siders.  And so what was once old has theoretically become new again.

All in all it was a flawed but fitting end to a series with which us fans, I suspect, all have a pretty complicated relationship . . . much like the relationship it’s main characters have with one another.  We loved it. . .

We hated it . . .

We were aroused . . .

We were nauseated . . .

We wanted more . . .

We wanted it to end . . .

But through all the ups and downs, Gossip Girl will remain an important part of my TV viewing history . . . one that I suspect will send me clamoring back to YouTube for nostalgia’s sake, for years to come.  And for that I have the show’s cast, its crew, its costume designers, and, yes, even its writers to thank.

They all know we love them, and will miss them terribly.  XOXO,

[www.juliekushner.com][Fangirls Forever 2]

Veronica Mars Meets Mad Men Meets Rich People You Hate Taking Your Money and Laughing About It – A Brief Look at the Pilot Episode of Showtime’s “House of Lies”

As you may or may not have noticed,  I haven’t been around much lately.  Now, I can make up a bunch of fairly lame excuses for this.  But I won’t, because you’re smart enough not to believe most of them. 🙂

Basically, the reason I haven’t been blogging this past week or so, is because I have fallen into the Vast Wasteland that is Winter Hiatus Television.  And I can’t GET OUT!

Man, it’s dark and dismal out there, in the world of repeats, countless Christmas movies starring Mario Lopez, and infomercials for Forever Lazy!

The one item of clothing capable of making a Snuggie look chic and fashionable by comparison.

Useless as the state of prime time TV has become of late,  I find myself spending a good deal of the time I usually spend watching television shows and writing about them doing productive things with my time, like charity work, training for triathalons, and socializing with Real Live Human Beings refreshing the homepages of ew.com and tvline.com, in hopes of finding spoilers for The Vampire Diaries and Gossip Girl. 

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Pathetic?  Yes!  Ashamed?  No sir!  Do you know why?  Because trolling the interwebs, has enabled me to find the pilot for a BRAND NEW SHOW!

The show is called House of Lies, and it premieres on January 8th on Showtime.  Don’t have Showtime?

Worry not!  Because you can watch the entire pilot episode, RIGHT HERE, ON THIS BLOG.  Though, admittedly, they cut out all the good stuff, like the cursing . . . and the naked people.  But mostly it’s naked women, so if you are a straight girl, like me, you probably won’t mind much. 

The show is, more or less, about these fast-talking, manipulative, take-your-money-and-run, high-powered management consultants, and how they bilk wealthy douchebag companies out of their not-so-hard-earned cash, in ways that are entirely legal.  (Honestly, I’m not quite sure who you are supposed to be rooting for, in this scenario.)  Showtime, of course, has a bit more to say about the premise of the show.  So, if you are curious, you can check out the official website here.

House of Lies is loosely based on a book of the same name written by THIS GUY . . .

Hey, at least he’s honest!

Therefore, it is probably not surprising that the main character of the show is a man named Marty Kaan, which, is probably the way Martin Kihn’s clients say his name, after they’ve had a few drinks, when they aren’t calling him “Asshole” of course.   What might surprise you though, is that Marty Kaan is played by THIS GUY . . .

The resemblance is striking.  Don’t you think?

Yes, fellow film fanatics.  The handsome man pictured above is Don Cheadle, otherwise known as that Actor From Every Oscar-Award-Winning Movie You Ever Saw . . . and, of course, Hotel for Dogs. 

To be completely honest, though, Don Cheadle wasn’t who brought me to this show . . . She did . . .

Source 

That’s right!  Kristen Bell is in this show . . . a.k.a. Veronica Mars . . . a.k.a. one half of one of my favorite TV Couples of ALL TIME

Between you and me, I have a bit of a girl crush on Kristen Bell . . .

Not like that!  (Get your mind out of the gutter!) 

So, much of a girl crush, in fact, that I even enjoyed THIS adorably heartfelt, and yet, at the same time, gut-wrenching and utterly disturbing, music video . . .

While Bell’s character, Jeannie Van Der Hooven, is neither quite as edgy, nor as spunky, as a certain high school detective we all know and love, she does share some of that trademark sarcastic wit, acerbic nature, take-no-prisoners attitude, and hidden vulnerability, with her slightly more youthful alter ego.

Source

As a Veronica Mars fan, I found this kind of refreshing.   It was almost as if House of Lies took place in some alternate universe, where Lily Kane never died, Keith Mars kept his job as sheriff, and Veronica graduated high school as a better dressed, if a tad less accessible, “Niner” who had her sights set on business school.  (If you’ve never watched VM, feel free to disregard this entire paragraph, as it probably makes no sense to you, whatsoever.)

 

Source

Also starring in House of Lives is Dawn Olivieri, a.k.a. one of Damon’s many dead ex girlfriends from The Vampire Diaries . . .

R.I.P. Andie Starr 

Dawn plays Marty’s drug addict ex-wife and business rival, Monica.  Three seconds into the pilot these two are already buck naked . . . if you’re into that sort of thing . . .

 Hmm . . . I wonder if there will be biting involved, in future episodes?

Now, that I’ve given you a rundown on the cast, you are probably wondering what I actually thought of the pilot.  Here’s what’s interesting . . . for the first, I’d say, ten minutes or so, I wasn’t a fan.  Mainly, I think, this had to do with a certain annoying little gimmick employed by the writers, way too frequently, during the first third of the show.  I’m, of course, referring to those instances during which Cheadle’s character would literally FREEZE TIME, in order to break the proverbial “Fourth Wall,”so as to define a particular term for the viewing audience that didn’t really need to be defined, or explain something to them that didn’t particularly need explaining . . .

It was pedantic, annoying, and made me feel like I was watching Sesame Street for Rich People, or a really cheesy sitcom from the early 90’s.

And then, weirdly, about 15 minutes into the episode, this gimmick completely disappeared . . . almost as if the writers forgot they were doing it in the first place.

I also wasn’t entirely sold on Cheadle’s character.  He seemed smarmy, but not in a particularly funny, or likeable way . . .

NOT Don Draper . . .

Yet, despite all that, I found the pilot to be REALLY funny.  I laughed out loud more than once, which, is unusual for me, when watching a TV show.  Two subplots . . . one involving “Marty’s” son auditioning for a school production of Grease, and another involving a . . . um . . . double date, were particularly amusing.

That’s where House of Lies pleasantly surprised me.  For a seemingly sleek, “adult,” pay cable show, about arrogant greedy rich people, House of Lies was more screwball, and a bit more campy, than the glossy advertising, and designer-suit wearing cast would have you believe.  This is a show that definitely doesn’t take it self too seriously . . . a quality that more television programs could stand to adopt, nowadays.

And it’s that aspect of the show that’s convinced me to give it a second chance . . . (also, because Veronica Mars is in it, obviously).  (But they REALLLLY have to get rid of that Freeze Frame Tutorial Thing, IMMEDIATELY!)

Thanks Mr. Chead . . . er . . . I mean Marty.  I never would have remembered to do that, if you hadn’t held up that handy dandy sign for me to read.  🙂  So, without further adieu, I present to you, the pilot episode of House of Lies . . .

 

If you have a spare half hour or so, give it try.  Because it sure beats watching It’s a Wonderful Life for the 85,000th time .  . . .

Happy viewing!

[www.juliekushner.com][Fangirls Forever]

TV Couples Showdown: Veronica and Logan (of Veronica Mars) versus Caroline and Tyler (of The Vampire Diaries)

Last week, I thoroughly entertained myself, by conducting a fairly in-depth comparison two of my favorite television couples, Pacey and Joey of Dawson’s Creek, and Damon and Elena of The Vampire Diaries.  In fact, I was SO entertained, that I thought it might be fun to try again, with two other television couples I have to come to adore, namely, veteran couple, Logan Echolls and Veronica Mars of Veronica Mars, and newbie couple, Tyler Lockwood and Caroline Forbes of The Vampire Diaries. 

As you can see, Caroline is a HUGE LoVe fan!  So, she is very excited about this.

(Special thanks for this post go out to the veronicamars tumblr, for many of the fabulous GIFs and screencaps you see here; and to my brilliant blogger pal Cherie, for her inspiration, and for allowing me to pick her brain on many occasions, regarding what makes both of these couples tick.  Oh . . . and you know the drill on the YouTube videos.  Most of them aren’t embedded. So, just click on the internal links and ENJOY!)

Tyler Lockwood and Logan Echolls —  Poor Little Rich Sheep in Wolves’ Clothing

Regarding Logan Echolls, in the pilot episode of Veronica Mars, Veronica can be quoted as saying, “Every school has an obligatory psychotic jackass.  And he’s ours.”

Given that Logan bashed in the headlights on Veronica’s car with a crowbar, shortly thereafter, we certainly can’t blame her for making such a harsh comment toward her future soulmate.

One might argue that, had we asked Caroline who the “obligatory psychotic jackass” in her school was, at least during the pilot episode of The Vampire Diaries, she probably would have said, “Tyler Lockwood.”

And though Tyler didn’t bash in the headlights on anybody’s car, he DID bully young Jeremy Gilbert, and date rape Vicki Donovan . . .

Perhaps, Logan and Tyler are such major asshats when we first meet them, because of their startlingly similar upbringings. 

Both teens are extraordinarily wealthy.  Logan’s father is a famous, award-winning, actor.  Tyler’s father is the Mayor of Mystic Falls.  Both dads are TOTAL jackasses, who emotionally abuse their sons, and beat the crap out of them, on a regular basis.

At school, Tyler and Logan would both be considered “popular,” though whether said popularity is attributed to their “pleasing personalities,” or their wealth and, tendency to beat up others who disagree with them, is arguable.  Nonetheless, at the start of their respective series’, both Tyler and Logan have hot girlfriends, with matching reputations for “putting out.”

Tyler’s girlfriend was Vicki Donovan.  She was eventually murdered by Damon Salvatore.  Then turned into a vampire. 

Vampire Vicki was then murdered again by Stefan Salvatore (but he only did it in self-defense).  To make a long story short: Vicki’s DEAD!

Logan dated Lilly Kane. 

Lilly screwed Logan’s dad (Ewww!) . . . and videotaped it.  So, Logan’s dad killed her. 

Unlike Vicki, Lilly only died once . . .  (though bloody incarnations of her appeared throughout the series; so, it felt like she died multiple times).

Following the deaths of their first loves (slutty though they may have been), both Tyler and Logan experience a run of bad luck.  And each blow they receive causes them to feel even more vulnerable and alone.  Tyler’s father dies in what he believes was a freak fire (he was actually murdered by some Angry Tomb Vampires) . . .

Logan’s mom commits suicide, by jumping off a bridge . . .

Logan learns his dad killed his girlfriend.  And, to add insult to injury, he just so happened to be porking her at the time.  Tyler learns his dad was a WEREWOLF!  And, to add insult to injury, because Tyler killed someone accidentally, he’s going to become a WEREWOLF TOO!

As you can probably tell. by now, these are some SERIOUSLY DAMAGED DUDES!  And it’s going to take a pair of really special ladies to fix their wagons up right! 😉

Caroline Forbes and Veronica Mars:  Spunky Blondes with Major Ass-Kicking Capabilities

In addition to being blonde and petite, Veronica and Caroline possess many similarities to one another.  For starters, they were each the daughter of a Town Sheriff.

As for Caroline’s and Veronica’s other parents (Caroline’s dad and Veronica’s mom, respectively), they were more or less, absentee.  Caroline’s dad left Caroline’s Sheriff Mom for another man.  (Yep!  That’s gotta hurt!)  Veronica’s mom left Veronica’s Sheriff Dad because she was an alcoholic depressive, who was unable to cope with family trauma.

When their series’ began, both Caroline and Veronica were dating sweet, but kind of bland boys, who just so happened to be best friends with their respective eventual soulmates.  Caroline dated Matt Donovan (brother of Dead Vicki) . . .

Matt and Tyler were best friends.

Veronica dated Duncan Kane (brother of Dead Lilly) . . .

Duncan and Logan were best friends.

Before the series began, both Veronica and Caroline were rather naive and innocent, and had little to worry about, aside from what they were going to wear to prom . . .

 . . . or whether they would win the local beauty pageant . . .

But then, things happened in both of their lives, that forced them to reevaluate their priorities.  Veronica’s best friend died.  And as a result of the murder investigation that followed, her father was shunned by the community, and lost his job as sheriff.  She was then dumped by her boyfriend, and all of her rich friends, and date raped at a party.

As for Caroline . . . well . . . she was in a near-fatal car accident, then killed by a girl who looked JUST like her best friend.  And then . . . she became a vampire.

The teens’ respective experiences forced them to grow up fast.  It made them wiser, tougher, and a bit more jaded about the world around them.  But it also caused them to become fiercely protective of the ones they love.  In other words, Caroline’s and Veronica’s trials and tribulations prepared them for the intensely dramatic (and sometimes traumatic) romantic relationships into which they were about to enter . . .

Love Begins . . .

Tyler and Logan came to Caroline and Veronica, when both were at extremely vulnerable places in their lives.  Logan refused to believe that his mother had committed suicide, and, knowing that Veronica had a knack for private investigation, begged her to help him learn the truth about what really happened to her.

Tyler came to Caroline, upon learning that he was a werewolf, because she seemed to know more about his condition than he did himself.  Since Caroline was a Baby Vamp (a fact she later reveals to Tyler) she has some idea what he’s going through, and promises to help him cope with his first Full Moon Transformation . . .

Both Caroline and Veronica are there to support Tyler and Logan, when their respective research projects result in them learning some SERIOUSLY BAD NEWS.  Logan is forced to come to terms with the fact that his mother has, in fact, committed suicide, and is not merely hiding from her husband, as Logan originally suspected . . .

(Hey, did you catch how Big Sis Trina called Logan’s dad, The Big Bad Wolf?  Now if that’s not a Tyler parallel, I don’t know what is!)

For their part, Tyler’s and Caroline’s research turns up a DVD of a VERY PAINFUL werewolf transformation, as experienced by Tyler’s cousin Mason.  Tyler realizes to his horror that the awful experience he just witnessed on his computer screen is inevitable for him . . .

On the day of the transformation, Caroline accompanies Tyler to an underground dungeon, and supports him through the whole horrifying ordeal, hugging him, and whispering to him calmly, as he writhes in pain. 

 

Caroline does this, despite the fact that, with every extra second she remains in that dungeon, the amount of danger she is in increases tenfold  . . .

When it is all over, Caroline’s is the first name Tyler calls . . .

After going through such intense experiences together, it is inevitable that these two pairs will couple.  And so, both women are eventually rewarded for supporting their Vulnerable Bad Boys, with Ambush Kisses .  . .

“Our First Kiss Won’t Be The Last”

When a good girl rescues a bad boy, it is only natural that he rescue her right back.  In Veronica’s case, Logan beats the crap out of an undercover FBI agent who’s sort of / kind of kidnapped her . . .

The incident culminates in Veronica’s and Logan’s first kiss.  She kisses him chastely at first to show her gratitude for the rescue attempt.  Logan’s return kiss is MUCH more aggressive (and WAY hotter)!

 As for Tyler saving Caroline, and kissing her . . . well . . . neither event has actually occurred on the show as of the date of this blog entry.  HOWEVER, during the preview for The Vampire Diaries’ January 27th episode, entitled “The Descent” we DID see Tyler promising Caroline that he would do ANYTHING for her.

(Brought to you by the F-Yeah Tyler Lockwood Tumblr!) 

Later in the same episode (at least, according to that AWESOME promo), Tyler follows through with his promise, by giving Caroline EXACTLY what she needs .  . . a big juicy AMBUSH KISS!

Yes, boys and girls.  When it comes to Tyler and Caroline, things are DEFINITELY headed in the direction of love . . . or should I say LoVe!

Other Similarities

Aside from having similar beginnings, the parallels between Logan’s and Veronica’s relationship and Tyler’s and Caroline’s are simply not to be ignored!  Check out the couples’ mutual love for “playing dress-up” . . .

 . . . and um . . .  undress . . .down?

As for Caroline and Veronica, both are VERY feisty!  And neither is afraid to kick her boyfriend’s ass, when he deserves it . . .

(from TVD gifs)

And I guess . . . on occasion, they also kick the asses of people who aren’t their boyfriends .  . . at least, when the situation requires it.

Unfortunately, Veronica’s and Logan’s story is already over . . .

But Caroline’s and Tyler’s is JUST BEGINNING!

And, while we don’t know exactly where Baby Vamp Caroline and Baby Were Tyler will take us in the upcoming TVD seasons, if their predecessors, Veronica and Logan are any indication, we can be sure, that it will be EPIC . . .

[www.juliekushner.com]

Anatomy of a Trailer: Scream 4 (Contains Possible Spoilers)

I can’t believe it’s been 14 years since the first Scream movie came out in theaters!  It seems like only yesterday that I was sneaking into the movie theater to see it on opening night, having sneakily purchased tickets to some more “family friendly fare.”

That’s right!  Just like, I suspect, many of you, I wasn’t yet 17 when the first Scream came out in theaters . . .

(You know, I’ll never, for the life of me, understand why horror films, like this one, scrabble for the “Hard R” rating, when probably more than half of their movie viewing population has to be dropped off at the theater by their parents, because they don’t have their drivers licenses yet.  I mean, I get that it’s supposed to be this big “Status Symbol” to be “Rated R,” as a horror film.  Yet, all that Big Bad Letter really does is end up getting a lot of Movie Ticket Takers fired, for not properly ID-ing their patrons.)

“I swear, boss.  He totally looked 17 to me!”

But I digress.  There I was, underage, hanging with a bunch of my friends, and viewing Scream for the first time.  I remember when the movie started, seeing Drew Barrymore on the screen  (who was kind of a “big deal” at the time), and kind of rolling my eyes a bit.  “They aren’t going to kill Drew!”  I whispered to whoever was sitting next to me.  “Her face is on the movie poster.  And her name is one of ‘top billed.'”

 

And then they gutted her like a fish, in the first five minutes . . .

I was HORRIFIED . . . but, at the same time, very impressed.  I knew, right then, that I was witnessing the start of something pretty amazing.  As far as “horror movie cliches” were concerned, all bets were off!  We were all going to be in for quite a ride . . .

I saw the next two films in the trilogy on their opening nights as well.  And while neither had quite the shock value of the first installment  (The minute Jada Pinkett Smith walked into that movie theater at the beginning of Scream 2, I knew not to get too attached to her character . . .

 . . . ditto for Buffy the Vampire Slayer . . .)

 . . . I still found both films to be enjoyable, witty, and surprisingly well-written.

So, I was intrigued, when I started hearing buzz around the internet that the first film of a new Scream trilogy would be “stabbing” its way into theaters in 2011.  Like the first film, Scream 4 will be penned by Kevin Williamson (writer of none other than my current FAVORITE television show, The Vampire Diaries) . . .

 . . . and directed by, that denizen of horror himself, Wes Craven. 

As the poster for the film suggests, the new tagline for Scream 4 is “New Decade, New Rules.”  At this year’s Scream Awards, Wes Craven promised us a movie for  the “next generation” of horror fans.  Here, the same, now- tired, old rules, won’t necessarily apply.  You know what that means, don’t you?  Oh yeah . . . the Ghostface Killer is TOTALLY iPhone-ready.

“Psycho Serial Killer?  There’s an app for that!”

Sure, Scream 4 may be ready for the “next generation of horror movie fans,” but, the question remains, is it ready for us?   After all, in this new culture, of leaked scripts, pirated films, screencapped trailers, and endless film analysis on message boards and blogs, it is REALLY hard to keep a secret, and even harder to genuinely surprise fans.  Because, now, not only are horror movie goers more savvy, as Craven, himself suggested, they are also more well-informed.

For example, we NOW know that when an actress boasts a “cameo” in a horror film, and her character doesn’t have a “name” on the movie’s IMDB page , we can probably expect her to show up in one scene, die a quick but gruesome death, and never be seen again . . .

Usually a lover of all things spoilery, I personally found myself a bit disappointed when, after merely viewing the film’s teaser trailer and perusing the message boards, I already pieced together what will probably be the opening murder sequence (including the “fakeout” that will likely come with it). 

And . . . well . . . why don’t I let you watch for yourself . . .

Now that’s a trailer chocked full of spoilery information, if I’ve ever seen one! 

I’m just going to share a few screencaps with you that I found particularly instructive.  However, you can find ALL the screencaps for this trailer here.  (Special thanks to CNE20, who was kind enough to post these!)

Oh, and for all you Spoilerphobes out there, this would be a good time to STOP READING!

:12 “Welcome home, Sydney!  You’re a survivor, aren’t you, Sydney?  What good is it being a survivor, if everyone around you is DEAD!”

Yes, boys and girls, Scream queen, Neve Campbell (now 37), will be reprising her role as the much-abused Sydney Prescott.  After all this poor woman has been through, you would think she would FINALLY suck it up, and cancel her landline.  Cell phones, Sydney!  They are all the rage these days . . . not to mention that having them makes it much easier to RUN AWAY from the Psycho Serial Killer who always seems to be INSIDE YOUR HOUSE!

:18 – “All you can do is WATCH!”

Anna Paquin (Soookeh! of  True Blood) and Kristen Bell (Veronica Mars) have both publicly admitted to having “cameos” in this film.  (We all know what THAT means!)  Many “experts” have posited that the first “murder” of the film, will not be a “real” murder, but actually a scene from the fictional Scream-like series, Stab (featured prominently in Scream 2 and 3), which Anna’s and Kristen’s characters will be watching at home on DVD.  These same experts suggest that Anna and Kristen, like Drew Barrymore and Jada Pinkett Smith, before them, will be the new film’s first REAL victims.  This scene here, which features Anna, turning off a DVD, while a frightened Kristen looks on, would seem to suggest as much . . .

:19 – “Ahhhhhhhh!”

Golly gee!  For two girls credited as having “cameos” in the film, Lucy Hale (Pretty Little Liars) and Shenae Grimes (90210) sure got a lot of face time in the teaser trailer!  Many suspect that this is because these two will be stars of the Stab installment that Anna and Kristen are watching, in the film’s opening scene. 

(Note to Kevin Williamson:  It is not too late to CHANGE THIS!  In fact, if this is the actual concept for the opening sequence, and you want to REALLY shock fans, as you have done consistently in the past, you probably SHOULD!)

:21 – “Modern fans have become savvy to the rules of the originals.  I mean, there are still rules, but the rules have changed.”

OMG, Rory Culkin!  My, have you grown!  (I bet you’re taller than Macauley Culkin now . . . and Kieran Culkin, for that matter.)  It looks as though Rory will be inhabiting the “Horror Film Geek”  role, previously inhabited by Jamie Kennedy (who played “Randy Meeks”), in the first two films.

:50 – “Go ahead, if you have the guts!”

This highly controversial, and much discussed, screencap features Courtney Cox, seemingly about to get gutted by the Ghostface Killer.  Could the makers of this trailer be brave enough (or stupid enough, depending on how you look at it) to forecast the death of Gale Weathers –one of the three MAIN CHARACTERS from the original trilogy — so early in the film’s promotional campaign?  (Or will someone come to to her rescue, at the last minute, as is usually the case in these type of movie situations?)

:54 – “Well, it’s time for someone new to die.”

Here’s Rory Culkin again, along with Hayden Panettiere and Marielle Jaffe.  These three will likely function as the “Scooby Gang” to lead player, Emma Robert’s “Jill.”  Hayden will be playing Kirby Reed, “Jill’s” best friend.  The “best friend” moniker should keep her safe for at least the first half of the film.

Marielle will be playing “Olivia,” who, based on this  scene alone, looks and sounds like kind of a b*tch.  Since b*tches never fare particularly well in this genre, I’m guessing “Olivia” will be a goner, fairly early on . . .

:58 – “These aren’t just random killings.”

David Arquette (who I am liking SO MUCH LESS NOW, especially after his ridiculous drunken T.M.I. rant on Howard Stern) will be reprising his role as Deputy Dewey.  Also donning the dorky Rent-A-Cop uniform in this film, will be the adorable Adam Brody . . .

(Seth Cohen is a cop?)

 . . . and the very cuddly, Anthony Anderson . . .

1:00 – iPhone product placement alert!

I said it before, but it bears repeating.  Between the killer videotaping his murders, and the cast members running around with iPhones, it does seem that new technologies will play a major role in the new trilogy.

1:01 –  Emma Roberts alert!

Although she looks like she’s in a pretty tough spot right now, I’m thinking that Emma Roberts, who has been tauted by producers as “the NEW Sydney Prescott” (she plays Sydney’s cousin, in the film), will probably be around for a while.  In other words, if you happen to be watching the film, and really have to pee, the scenes where “Jill” is in “peril” are the best time to go . . .  At least, this way, you won’t risk missing a “cool death scene.”

1:16 – “I hear you like horror movies.”

              “It’s for you.”

I know I showed these two already.  However, this line was the only one in the trailer that actually made me giggle out loud.   It also seemed a bit cheesy, by Scream standards.  This only supports my hypothesis that all scenes featuring Shenae and Lucy are meant to come from the fictional Stab series.  Of course, I could be wrong . . . (I still kind of hope I am.)

Scream 4 scares into theaters April 15, 2011.  Will YOU see it?

[www.juliekushner.com]

Anatomy of a Trailer – Burlesque

The way I see it, Burlesque, the upcoming movie / musical starring Christina Aguilera, in her big screen debut, will either be truly spectacular . . .

 . . . or ridiculously bad.

The film follows Ali (Aquilera), as she escapes from whatever podunk town she came from, and heads off to Hollywood with big dreams and little cash.

View from a dirty bus window.

She finds a job as a waitress at a struggling night club, called Burlesque Lounge, run by Tess (Cher).  And . . . well, I’ll let you see for yourself .  . .

:32 – “When you are putting on your makeup, it is like you’re an artist.  But instead of painting a canvas, you are painting a face.”

 . . . or, in Cher’s case, a face made of canvas.

So, after seeing Cher in this trailer, I’ve come to two conclusions: (1) She looks pretty good.  Her face really hasn’t changed that much since the 90’s . . .

(2) The reason Cher’s face hasn’t changed since the 90’s, is that it hasn’t moved since then.  Did you watch that scene where she was putting on her makeup?  I felt like I was watching an expert ventriloquist!

Bet you can’t guess which one is real?

:49 – “Great enthusiasm, terrible timing.”

It looks like Stanley Tucci will be playing the role of the “man behind the older woman” . . .

 and the “staunch supporter / behind the scenes mentor” of the younger one. 

It’s The Devil Wears Prada all over again.

:57 – Kristen Bell is in this movie!

I heart her, even when she plays mean and unlikeable characters . . .

  . . . and it seems like she will be playing one here too.

1:02 – “The question is, do you have the talent?  Because you’re on . . .”

Hey, that was Cam Gigandet!

What?  You don’t remember CAM?  Sure you do!  He was the douche responsible for Marissa Cooper’s death on The O.C.  . . .

 . . . and the douche who wanted to beat Sean Farris to a pulp in Never Back Down .  . .

 . . . and the douche who wanted to eat Bella in Twilight . . .

In fact, Cam’s “Douching Schedule” was SO uncompromising, that he rarely had time to put on a shirt . . .

 .  . . which is why I love him!

1:12 – “What happened to all the great dancers in L.A.?” 

             “They’re all Dancing with the Stars.“

I think this was meant to be somewhat of an inside joke, as Dancing with the Stars’ Julianne Hough is said to have signed on to  this film.

It seems a little odd that they didn’t put her in the trailer, though.

1:17 – “What is she doing up there?”

The Genie in a Bottle dance, perhaps?

1:27 – “Nobody can tell you.  You gotta make me believe that you belong on that stage.  That it’s yours, and that nobody can take it from you.  Now you want to show me something?  Show me THAT!”

WOW, Cher, I’m so inspired now!

I might even start taking violin lessons — on a tiny violin, kind of like the one I heard playing in the background, during that speech you just made.

1:46 – And there are those infamous Aguilera pipes we’ve come to know so well. . .

Too bad she’s dressed like a bachelor party stripper . . .

1:48 – OMG!  It’s Alan Cummings!

This guy kinda scares me.   But I can’t remember why . . .

Now I remember . . .

1:51 – McSteamy ALERT!  McSteamy ALERT!

Hold on to your panties, ladies.  Because they are about to fall . . .

2:07 – “Clearly, one of us has underestimated the other.”

Oooh!  I smell a Cat Fight!  And I don’t know about you, but my money is on Veronica Mars!

She’s small, but scrappy.  Then again . . .

This could actually be a real toss up.

2:16 – Aww Cam!  I knew you wouldn’t let me down!

2:24 – “Alice?  Well, welcome to Wonderland.”

Burlesque dances into theaters on November 24, 2010 (Thanksgiving).  Will YOU see it?

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OMFG? Not so much . . . – The Top Ten “Been There, Seen That” Teen Television Cliches (Part 2 of 2)

A couple of days ago, I came up with a list of the top ten plotline cliches featured in teen-oriented television dramas.  In the first installment of this blog entry, I posted the first five of these cliches.  That list included: (1) the Pregnancy Plotline; (2) the Death of a Peripheral Character Plotline; (3) the Student / Teacher Relationship Plotline; (4) the Cheating on a Test  / Plagiarism Plotline; and, finally, (5) the “Bad Influence” Plotline.

This installment will focus on the following popular Teen Television Cliches: (1) the Love Triangle; (2) the Summer in Europe; (3) the Love / Hate Relationship; (4) the School Ski Trip; and, of course (5) the Prom.  So, without further adieu, what do you say we take off our creative thinking caps, embrace conformity, and get started?

1) “Can’t we all just . . . have a threesome, instead?” – The Love Triangle Plotline

The Storyline:  Girl meets boy.  Boy is attractive. 

Boy is also nice and sweet, albeit a tad boring (and, sometimes, a bit of a whiny b*tch). 

Or, conversely, Boy is total douche; 

but Girl’s parents love him;

He looks “good on paper.”

and Boy is sure to make Girl a very wealthy, but very bored, housewife, some time in the not-so-distant future, if she plays her cards right.

But then . . . Other Boy magically appears.

Unlike the original Boy, Other Boy is a little dangerous . . .

Maybe he’s from the wrong side of the proverbial “tracks” . . .

Or, perhaps he has a reputation for being a bit of male slut . . .

 . . . or a criminal.

 Or maybe he has a bit of a mean streak, so Girl isn’t sure she can really trust him.

But there is just something about the way Other Boy makes Girl feel . . .

She smiles and laughs more when she’s around him. 

(Click the internal link to watch.)

He makes her more fun!

And Other Boy continues to believe in Girl, and support her, long after everyone else has seemingly abandoned her (including the original Boy).

So, what’s a Girl to do, when she wants them both?

Who does she choose?  Well, that depends on the season . . . the Television Season, that is . . .

Examples: Joey, Pacey, and Dawson (Dawson’s Creek); Veronica, Logan, and Duncan (Veronica Mars); Marissa, Ryan, and Luke (The O.C.); Elena, Damon, and Stefan (The Vampire Diaries); Rory, Jesse, and Dean (Gilmore Girls); Blair, Chuck, and Nate (Gossip Girl); Peyton, Lucas, and Nate (One Tree Hill); Emma, Sean, and Peter (Degrassi: The Next Generation); Felicity, Ben, and Noel (Felicity); Casey, Cappie, and Evan (Greek); Lyla, Tim, and Jason (Friday Night Lights)

Why it’s a cliche?  Three words (One of them is a contraction).  Because . . . It’s . . . AWESOME!

When it comes to successful teen drama plotlines, The Love Triangle, is a surefire WIN!  After all, what girl wouldn’t want to have two totally hot guys, who are complete opposites of one another fighting over her!  Aside from allowing female fans to vicariously fulfill their deepest fantasies, Love Triangles provide the added benefit of making Teen Television watching a TEAM SPORT!  Boys have football and basketball.  Girls have  THIS . . .

Yes, boys and girls, choosing sides in a Love Triangle War is SERIOUS business!  (Girls have been shot over WAY less!)  Don’t believe me?  Check out the sheer intensity of THESE fan-fueled debates  . . .

About Blair, Chuck and Nate. 

About Elena, Damon, and Stefan

About Felicity, Ben, and Noel . . .

(The above video debate between these two twenty-somethings kind of goes off the rails, after the first five minutes.  But I love their obvious enthusiasm for a show that’s been off the air now for nearly a decade!  I also love their accents . . . and the very impressive “Portrait of Ben” one of them created.  Scott Speedman, himself, would be proud!)

2) “Go to Europe . . . because no one could possibly ‘find themselves’ in the States!”  – The Summer in Europe Plotline

“When in France, do as the French do . . . French kiss!”

(Here we go again!  Internal link clicking time!)

The Storyline: It’s close to the end of the Season.  Our female protagonist’s life is a mess!  It’s just jam packed with unresolved love triangles, family issues, and massive blowout fights with former friends.  And what better way is there to deal with all of your problems, than to run away from them?  So, our female protagonist jaunts off to Europe (usually Paris), leaving pining boys and cliffhangers in her wake . . .

 Once there, our female protagonist sees the sights . . .

and miraculously FINDS HERSELF!  When she comes back, she’s a COMPLETELY different person, than when she left.  Who knows?  She might even have a new completely random, doesn’t belong on the show at all boyfriend!

Examples: Serena and Blair (Gossip Girl); Joey Potter (Dawson’s Creek); Brenda and Donna (90210); Holly (What I Like About You)

Why it’s a Cliche?  The main character’s temporary departure from his or her home base is a great way to bring about a Teen Television Drama’s summer hiatus.  If us fans are forced to spend an ENTIRE summer away from our beloved gang of characters, at least we can sleep better knowing that they aren’t hanging out with one another EITHER!  Plus, filming a scene or two “across the pond” makes for a great excuse for the show’s writers to say to their producer, “I’d like an all expense paid European vacation, please.  What!  It’s for THE SHOW!”

A summer in another country is also a pretty good excuse to suddenly change the entire personality and demeanor of a character, without any rational explanation whatsoever .  . .

“I got my new girlfriend and a frontal lobe lobotomy in Prague.  Doesn’t everybody?

3) “He Loves Me  . . . He Hates My Guts . . . He Loves Me . . .” – The Love/ Hate Relationship Plotline

The Storyline: He’s a playboy, and a real ladies man.  But he comes across as mean, and kind of shallow.  She’s a Type A personality, who comes across as cold and a bit uptight. 

They butt heads from the moment they first appear on screen together.  They fight, and call eachother names.  They insult one another, and play nasty tricks on eachother. 

But there is a passion boiling beneath the surface, that both he and she are trying desperately to deny. 

At the time, he and she are both involved with other people.  Their significant others notice the sexual tension laced beneath their supposed hatred, and try in vain to ignore it.  But the tension only grows.  Jealous and longing looks become prevalent.  Lingering touches, and moments of out-of-character “niceness,” between the two make each member of the pair begin to question their feelings. 

The guy in this scenario typically recognizes his feelings for her first. 

(You know the drill . . .)

But he usually keeps this to himself, out of fear of being ridiculed by the new object of his desires.  Then the two are placed in a dramatic situation.  Suddenly their mutual passion for one another overtakes them.  And they both give in to their desires.

Examples: Joey and Pacey (Dawson’s Creek); Buffy and Spike (Buffy the Vampire Slayer); Veronica and Logan (Veronica Mars); Seth and Summer (The O.C. – sort of . . . well . . . she hated him); Elena and Damon (The Vampire Diaries); Blair and Chuck (Gossip Girl)

Why it’s a Cliche?  You know how everyone always talks about how hot Makeup Sex is?  A couple fights, and then they make up.  All that angst and sexual energy, built up from all that red-faced arguing, is just kindling for the inevitable Orgasmic Fire of “Getting Back Together.”  And THAT’S from a fight that might last a day!  You can just imagine how hot Makeup Sex would be if the couple fought nonstop for TWO SEASONS!

4) “When the temperatures get COLD, the action gets HOT!” – The Ski Trip Plotline

The Storyline:  I’m going to be honest, this one was less of a “storyline” and more of a “plot convention.”  (Hey!  YOU try to come up with ten of these things . . . It’s not as easy as it looks.)  But did you ever notice how virtually EVERY teen drama features at least one ski trip?  BIG THINGS always happen on ski trips too!  People get drunk, get laid, get raped, or cheat on their significant other!   And someone ALWAYS hurts their foot, and conveniently can’t ski!

Examples:

Dawson’s Creek:

Jenn hurts her foot, gets wasted, and almost screws Gay Jack. 

Pacey and Joey do it for the first time!

Boy Meets World:

Cory hurts his foot too!  And makes out with Linda Cardellini!

Other fabulous shows featuring wild and crazy teen ski trips include Degrassi: Next Generation (Darcy gets date raped), and What I Like About You (Holly comes to terms with her feelings for Vince).

Precisely NONE of these characters were ever shown ACTUALLY skiing . . .

Why it’s a Cliche?  There’s just something about being away from home and your parents . . . about sleeping in a log cabin, right next to the fire.  You relax.  You let your guard down.  You get a little slutty and make bad choices.  (Except in the case of Pacey and Joey . . . that choice was GOOD!)  Plus, it’s WAY cheaper to film on location in some fake ski lodge than say . . . taking your entire cast and crew to Europe.

5) “Question:  What happened at Prom?  Answer: EVERYTHING!” – The Prom Plotline

The Storyline: It’s the event of the WHOLE season!  The entire cast will be in attendance!  But not everybody is going with the person they WANT to be going with. 

 A couple will break up.  A couple will get back together. 

Someone will win prom queen. 

 

Someone’s heart will be broken. 

A couple will finally do it. 

Another couple will ALMOST do it, but decide to wait . . . Oh, and someone will get wasted and make an ass of herself.

Examples: Dawson’s Creek, The O.C., 90210, Veronica Mars, Gossip Girl

Why it’s a Cliche?  For every high school girl, the Prom is the culminating social event of her entire pre-college academic career.  Even the most jaded of high school students (and I, myself, was already pretty jaded by that time) can’t help but dream of having the perfect dress, the perfect limo, the perfect Prom date, and the perfect slow dance.  For most of us, with all that build up and preparation, Prom itself ends up being pretty anti-climactic.  (The Post Prom Beach Trip, on the other hand . . . now, THAT ROCKED!).  But if we CAN’T have the perfect Prom, at least we can get the joy of seeing our television friends experience it for us.

So, there you have it – Ten Trashtastic Teen Television Cliches for your viewing pleasure!  Doesn’t it all make you feel OLD?