Tag Archives: Lauren Cohan

When things go bump (and grind) in the night . . . – A Recap of The Vampire Diaries’ “Heart of Darkness”

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The moment I got an electric shock from fondling my television screen . . . Totally worth it.

Welcome back, Fangbangers!  Long time, no fangirl!  Just in case you missed it, this week on TVD, ELENA FINALLY KISSED DAMON . . . and they humped against a dirty motel wall . . . and did some rather naughty things with their fingers in bed . . . it was all so deliciously tawdry, and long awaited, that I spent much of the episode celebrating . . .

Also, there was THIS . . .

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Oh, and I guess some other stuff happened too . . .

So, let your Big Bad Alter Ego out to play, because this episode of TVD is rated “M” for “More Makeouts Than We’ve Seen All Season.”

The Mysterious Case of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Saltzman

We begin the episode, in the basement of La Casa de Rich and Awesome, also known as ‘The Time Out Corner for Misbehaving Salvatores and Friends.”  That little cage sees more action than a motel that rents by the hour i.e. the place where Damon and Elena shacked up this week   I mean, think about it.  Stefan goes there when he’s all Mean and Rippery.

Damon “rested there,” while he suffered from a nasty case of were-rabies.

Elijah vacationed there, during one of his many Temporary Deaths.

And now it’s Multiple Personality Disorder Alaric’s turn!

Psychotic or not, you have to give Alaric credit for his willingness to endure self-imposed lockdown, so that his Jack Nicholson from The Shining Other Self doesn’t run off and murder all his friends, while he sleeps.

However, when Elena popped by to offer him some food and light reading . . .

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 . . . I couldn’t help but wonder how long he’d been down there, and what the Good History teacher was doing about the all-important Three S’s” of Life (sh*t, shower, shave).  Because I definitely didn’t see a toilet in there . . . or a hose.  So, unless Warden Stefan was willing to act as chaperone, I’m thinking that place smelled pretty darn rank.

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Anywhoo . . . Elena’s real reason for visiting Alaric, of course, has more to do with her, than with him.  After all, she’s going on a little road trip to Denver with Damon to sow her wild sex oats  “rescue Jeremy,” and she needs a little moral support from her erstwhile father figure.

Understandably,  Alaric is pretty grumpy about the idea that Damon and Elena will be off exploring one another’s nether regions, while he’s busy playing “Find the Stake” with Stefan.  I mean, from the looks of things, it’s been a while since Prisoner Alaric has received a conjugal visit from the Good Doctor Crazy Nanny Carrie Meredith.  (Apparently, attempted murder is not so great for your sex life.  Who knew?)

Except . . . as it turns out, ALARIC’S a total psycho, which means he and Crazy Nanny Carrie are kind of perfect for one another . . . 

Alaric wonders out loud how Stefan is feeling about this Delena Sexcation.  And Elena responds that it was HIS IDEA!  Well now, this takes the concept of Brotherly Love to a whole new level, doesn’t it?

“Bye honey!  Be SAFE!  Have fun dry humping my brother!

A bit of awkwardness ensues, when Elena pops by La Casa de Rich and Awesome to meet up with Damon, and Stefan meets her at the door.  “Have fun trying to coax that Big Stick out of Alaric,” Elena offers helpfully.  (No, she doesn’t actually say that.  But I kind of wish she did.)

“Be safe,” Stefan replies morosely, as Damon whisks Elena toward the door.

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Oh don’t you worry your pretty little head about that, Steffie.  You know vampires can’t impregnate humans or spread STDs!  Though they do love to try . . .

Battle of the Blondes

We then move over to Mystic Falls High, where the students are hard at work preparing for their Bloodbath Prom . . . er . . . I mean Decade Dance.  Seriously, at this point the administration should just pick a day at random, where they line the students up against a wall, and randomly slaughter them, Hunger Games style.  It would be much more efficient.  But while we are on the subject of high school, does anyone else find it ironic that 1,000-year old vampire, Rebekah, seems to be the only one who regularly attends?

Caroline and Rebekah are apparently having a contest to see which of them can out “Regina George” the other.

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And the passive aggressive insults are flying across the gym like dodgeballs . . .  Personally, I think Caroline won this fight, though.  Her, “at least I don’t have sex with everyone I make eye contact with,” comment was filled with win.

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(Everybody knows that “slut jokes and fat jokes,” are the girlfight equivalent of “yo mama” jokes  . . .)  As for Rebekah’s retort . . .

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 . . . it probably would have been more effective if the two girls didn’t look so very much alike . . .  And yet, when Blonde Boy Matt sided with Rebekah, when it came to choosing a 20’s themed decade dance, over Caroline’s proffered 70’s one, it appeared that former featherweight champion, Vampire Barbie, might be forced to concede a victory in this round.  The latter stormed out of the gym in a huff, while Rebekah looked on, her face practically brimming with smug satisfaction . . .

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But, as it turns out, the jokes on Rebekah.  Apparently, Matt and Caroline orchestrated the entire argument, just to give Caroline an excuse to leave school, and engage in Sexy Times with Tyler.  (Seriously?  What is with all these guys offering up their ex-girlfriends as sexual sacrifices to the Altar of Alpha Male?)

Now, maybe this makes me a Bad Person.  But I would rather eat glue, than give an ex-boyfriend I’m not over yet, free reign to start boning my more attractive and probably better in bed rival . . .  It’s one thing to accept that your ex has moved on.  It’s quite another to give them an INVITATION to do it . . . particularly, when YOU aren’t getting any, yourself.

“Doh!” 

Boozing Buddies

Speaking of sacrificial males, Stefan has decided that in order for Bad Alaric to come out to play, Good Alaric needs to take a nap.  So, the Broody Vampire decides to speed matters along, by offering Alchyric some liquid lunch . . . which actually makes sense, since I’ve never seen the guy eat.  (You know how vampires only require blood for sustenance?  I’m starting to think the same concept applies to Alaric and Booze.)

Alaric, of course, tries to go all Dr. Phil on Stefan, and his mind boggling decision to get Elena to explore her feelings for Damon via road trip.  Stefan basically admits that in order for him to continue to pursue things with Elena, he has to know she isn’t lusting after his brother.  (Why Stefan?  It never stopped you, before.)

“Scoot over, brother.  It’s my turn to get the neck.”

Alaric and Stefan also reflect upon whether their Psycho and Ripper so-called alter egos, respectively, are really just themselves after a Bad Day.  “The same things that drive him, drive me,” Alaric reflects wisely.

Of course, if anyone knows anything about being driven by bloodlust to do Bad Things, it’s Stefan.  But for Alaric’s sake, he puts a kinder spin on things.  “It’s not you,” he reassures his buddy boy.  “It’s just your darkest parts.”  (Well, THAT sounds dirty . . .)

The “darkest parts” of Alaric’s Chunky Monkey, a.k.a. the chocolate fudge . . .

But while all this navel-gazing and moody self-reflection might BORE Alaric, it doesn’t necessarily put him to sleep.  This, of course, means more “physical” tactics will have to be employed.  And, unfortunately, I’m not talking about sex.  Though really, nothing sends a warm-blooded male to dreamland faster than a solid roll in the hay.  I’m referring to a good, old-fashioned ASS KICKING . . .

Fortunately, Klaus has magically appeared to deliver said ass-kicking.  And when Stefan gives his ex boyfriend the Cliff Notes version of the whole “Save the Cheerleader, save the World Destroy the Missing Stake.  Save the Vampire Bloodline,” concept, Klaus helpfully breaks Alaric’s neck, thereby FINALLY powering this starting-to-become-a-bit-draggy plot line forward.

Sweet Dreams, Good Alaric!  (And THANK YOU, KLAUS!)

“Have you met YOU?”

I have to admit I was a bit disappointed, when the episode cut directly to Damon and Elena, already in Denver.  I mean, isn’t the whole point of a Sexy Times Road Trip, the hours and hours of having absolutely nothing to do but stare at one another, and bond over the bad in-flight movie?

Obviously the duo MORE than made up for this, by the episode’s end.  But at this point in the game, I was a little peeved.

Damon and Elena find Jeremy alone at the batting cages, striking out, of course.  “I should have compelled him to be better at baseball,” Damon quips.  (I don’t know.  If I was a teenage boy, there are a few things I’d want to be compelled to be “better” at, but baseball isn’t one of them.)

“STRIKE ONE”

“STRIKE TWO”

“STRIKE THREE!  YOU’RE OUTTTT!”

 The duo quickly fill Jeremy in on at least part of the reason they are really here . . . to get “I See Dead People” Jeremy to “talk” to Rose, and find out which Original sired her, so that the Scooby Gang doesn’t kill that one.  “So, you came all the way up here to get me to talk to some dead vampire?”  Jeremy gripes.

No, we also came up here, to make sure that Ring of Immortality Ring your wearing hasn’t already turned you into a drooling, vampire-hating loony toons, like your guardian, Alchyric.  “Dead and vampire is redundant, but yes,” Damon replies.

Jeremy promptly informs his darling sister, who has effectively traveled across the country to have sex with Damon effectively prevent the extinction of vampire kind, that the Vampire Apocalypse is just going to have to wait.  Apparently, Mini Gilbert has much more important things to do than save the world . . . like whacking balls with a “dear friend.”

Remember that time, an episode or two ago, when  Jeremy told Elena over the phone that he was heading out to spend time with “some friends?”  And most of the fandom immediately took this a a sign that Jeremy, much like his guardian before him, had already taken a One Way Trip to Crazy Town?  In fact, many fans even went as far as to suggest that these “friends” Jeremy was referring to may actually be vampires he’d already murdered, in the same way he offed that hybrid, before being sent away in the first place . . .

As it turns out, fans were right to be worried about the fact that Jeremy made “a friend.”  Apparently, sexy little Jer is only allowed to have real “friends” if they belong to his sister, or secretly want to sleep with him.  “Didn’t you find it a little weird that you made a friend so fast?  Have you met you?”  Damon chastises Jeremy later for his poor judgment.

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So, yeah, long story short, Jeremy’s friend was “Kol,” a reveal that probably surprised precisely no one, since we knew the Original Vamp had been stalking Jeremy, and his new dog (See, at least Jeremy has a Man’s Best Friend), ever since the latter arrived in Denver.  That said, I must admit, I did feel a bit bad for Jeremy, when Kol admitted.  “You and I are not really buds,” before bashing Damon’s head in with an aluminum bat.  (Of course, I felt worse for Damon for being beaten by an aluminum bat.  But, I felt bad for Jeremy too!  I mean, everyone should have REAL friends right.  Even if those friends just so happen to be blood sucking sociopaths . . .)

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Eventually, Damon manages to stake Kol with something that ISN’T dipped in or made from white oak ash (i.e. good for temporary death nap, but nothing more), and the threesome escape the batting cages, relatively unscathed.  But  . . . with Kol knowing the groups whereabouts, they can’t well stay in Denver.  So, you know what that means.  It’s time to check into the Sex Motel!  (Can I get a hell yeah!)

In which I take back everything bad I ever said about Rose the Vampire . . .

Unfortunately, this vacation isn’t only for Delena pleasure.  It’s for business too.  So, upon arriving at the hotel Jeremy “I talk to dead people” Gilbert manages to channel Ghost Vampire Rose, through Damon’s memories of her.

When Damon first starts waxing poetic about Rose’s death being beautiful, and sweet, and blah, blah, blah, Elena thinks he’s blowing smoke up Jeremy’s ass.  And understandably so.  After all, the last time Elena saw Rose, she looked like this . .  .

. . . and was literally trying to chew Elena’s face off.  It’s not really an image one soon forgets.  Interestingly enough, it’s Jeremy, who has either already connected with Rose, or simply managed to get hi s hand on the TVD Season 2 DVD that corrects Elena’s misinterpretation of the situation.  “Damon was talking about the dream he gave her when she died,” he offers.

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(Damn, Ghost Whisperers, always thinking they know everything . .  .)  After the reunited pair get the banal chitchat out of the way . . . (Yes, Rose is still hot.  Yes, she misses Damon, but is NOT obsessed with him.) . . . things start to get really interesting.

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Now, those of you who have read my recaps before know full well, that I was far from Rose’s biggest fan.  I believe the nickname I used for her was “Boyfriend Stealer.”

In fact, for weeks after she died, I refused to use any other photograph to illustrate this character but her Were-Rabies Mugshot.

Here we go again . . .

 It wasn’t really anything personal.  It’s just that, as a Delena shipper, I found the fact that Rose was constantly humping Damon to be . . . well . . . how do I put this kindly .  . . REALLY ANNOYING!

That all changed when Elena told Jeremy THESE fateful words, “Tell Damon I’m rooting for him and Elena.”

That’s right, Fangbangers.  Apparently, my former fictional arch rival is a fellow Delena shipper.

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This means she and I have the incontrovertible bond of folks who share the same ship.  And, therefore, I must love her like a sister.  (It’s easy for me to do this, since I am an only child, and really have no concept of what “loving someone like a sister” actually means.)  So, Rose, if you are out there . . . in Heaven, or wherever it is that rabid vampires go .  . . I’m sorry for calling you Man Stealer, posting ugly pictures of you on the internet, and not being particularly sad when you died.  I truly hope you can forgive me.  Oh, and if you ever want to come to my house, and watch Season 2 of The Vampire Diaries with me on DVD (We can skip your death episode of course), I promise to invite you inside.

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Oh, but back to the real reason we called Rose.  Who sired her?  As it turns out, it wasn’t ANY of the Originals.  Rather, the woman who sired Rose was a girl named “Mary Porter,” a.k.a. Scary Mary.  (Well, this certainly complicates things.)  Though Rose doesn’t know where Scary Mary lives off hand, apparently there’s some Vampire Phone Chain she can tap into.  Rose promises the Scooby Gang that she will do some research, and get back to them with an answer, before bidding them a fond adieu.

This, of course, means Damon, Elena and Jeremy can’t leave until they hear back from Rose.  Damon calls Stefan with the AWESOME . . . er . . . I mean terrible news.  “We’re stuck in a motel,” says Damon glibly.

The look on Stefan’s face upon hearing this admission is totally priceless.  Sorry, buddy.  But hey, you wanted Elena to explore her feelings for Damon.  And now she’s going to have an entire night in a not particularly big bed to do just that . . .

Mother/Daughter bonding?  (Yeah, we should have remembered that NEVER really happens on this show.)

Back at La Casa de Richer and Awesomer, But Not as Well Decorated (also known as the Originals’ house), Matt drives Rebekah home from school.  And she is so impressed that a boy actually did something nice for her, that she looks like she wants to hump his leg.  All joking aside, I REALLY these two together, and hope they both live long enough on this show to make a go of it.

“Thank you!  I WILL have a nice life.  Because I’m the only human left on this show . . . unless you kill me, of course.”

Rebekah’s good mood is short-lived though.  Because when she crosses the threshhold into her home she’s greeted by none other than her miserable murderous, slightly bug-eyed Mommy.  Mommy Dearest tells Rebekah that the latter really should have no hard feelings about the whole “I tried to kill you” thing, because she’s dying now too.  We all know how starved Rebekah is for ANY show of love and kindness.  So, of course, she cracks immediately, cradling her mother’s hands as the latter . . .  “dies.”

In the words of Julia Roberts in Pretty Woman.  “Big mistake . . . HUGE!”

“Tell him to suck it,” and other moments of Forwood Cave Porn

Meanwhile a much happier reunion is occurring in the Forest Where Bad Things Happen.  I really do love how horny Caroline and Tyler always seem to be.  I mean, think about it, whenever they aren’t broken up, these two are ALWAYS, ALWAYS boning.  This week they were almost too busy boning to engage in any dialogue at all.

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They boned against the tree .  . . They boned against the cave wall . . . They boned on the cave floor.

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They would have boned at Caroline’s house.  But they couldn’t because Lizard Forbes was home, which meant they actually had to talk.  Well, that don’t go over so well . . .

(Yes, before you guys, all jump down my throat, I know that Caroline and Tyler had a very sweet post coital conversation on the cave floor, during which Caroline said Klaus should suck it (HE WISHES!), and admitted to Tyler that if the Scooby Gang killed Klaus he would die too.  Caroline and Tyler are fully capable of engaging in adult conversation.  They’d just much rather have sex.  And there’s nothing wrong with that.  I mean, have YOU seen them?  I’d bone all the time too . . .)

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But back to Caroline’s house, where everything went to hell, and all because Caroline just COULDN’T bear to throw away that darn pony picture that Klaus drew her.  Ruh-roh!  Tyler didn’t like that one bit.  And I for one, think his anger was justified.  I mean, the way I see it, if a sociopathic psycho killer draws a picture of you, there are only two rational reasons why you would want to keep it.  (1) He’s a FAMOUS psycho killer.  And you plan on selling the picture on E-bay for a crapload of money.  (2) You’re hot for the psycho killer.

Sorry Caroline . . . we haven’t seen you on E-bay.  So, I’m thinking it’s option 2 for you . . .

Meanwhile, over at the Looooooooove Shack . . .

In which Elena finally ravages Damon, a.k.a. YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAYYYYYY!!!

His suspicion piqued by Rose’s offhand comment, Jeremy understandably wants to know what’s going on between Elena and Damon.  The problem is that Elena’s not quite ready to admit what’s going on to herself yet .  . . at least not for another hour or so.  But Jeremy takes the hint anyway, and lets Elena and Damon share the second bed, while he sleeps alone.  Smart boy . . .

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Later that night, Elena is watching an open shirted Damon strut around the hotel room with his shirt hanging open (which is my FAVORITE Damon Look, by the way), and looking hotter than I’ve seen him look like .  . . EVER.

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And this is including all those shower scenes!  She’s staring him like she wants to swallow him whole.  And even though she tries to pretend she’s sleeping when he turns around, he notices . . . as all hot guys notice, when girls are ogling them like construction workers.

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Sensing an opening (smart boy), Damon crawls into bed with Elena, but lays on his back, so as not to make her feel pressured.  It’s not the first time they’ve slept together.  But it IS the first time Elena has seemed so very eager.  And Damon doesn’t want to screw up the moment.

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Elena starts the conversation, as she turns toward Damon, her eyes roving his mostly naked body.  Her eyes are already filled with yearning and wanting.  I suspect it’s already taking all her strength not to jump him right here and now.  But she’s got to treadly lightly too, as this is a “test of her true feelings.” And she doesn’t want her hormones to get in the way.

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“You never told me what you did for Rose,” Elena muses.

“It wasn’t about you,” Damon responds wisely.

It’s an important point to make.  Because, as far as Elena has always been concerned, Damon only did good, and selfless things for Elena’s benefit, because he loved her, and sought her approval.  But Damon’s selfless actions with regard to Rose, really didn’t have anything to do with Elena, or even with love for that matter.  Damon did what he did, because he cared about Rose as a friend, and because it was . . . wait for it . . . the right thing to do.  In fact, when he had the opportunity to tell Elena about it, when she comforted him later in the episode, he chose not too, because, as he said, it had nothing to do with Elena or his love for her.

Elena can be dense sometimes, but even she recognizes a selfless gesture when she sees one.  And this gesture of Damon’s is starting to make Elena feel all tingly in her pants.  You can see her face flush, and breathing quicken, even though it is dark.  As much as Elena “loves” Stefan, I don’t recall a time where she ever seemed this incontrovertibly turned on by his mere presence and the sound of his voice.

“Why don’t you let people see the good in you?”  Elena muses.

I love what Damon said here . . .  “When people see good, they expect good.  And I don’t want to have to live up to anyone’s expectations.”

Those two sentences explain so much about who Damon is, and why he behaves the way he does.  In the same way Rebekah craves affection, Damon fears rejection.  And why not?  In a way, he’s been rejected all his life . . . by his father . . . by his brother . . . by the women he loves.  So, rather than put himself out there, and risk being rejected again, Damon turns inward.  He pretends to be cold and heartless, because it’s easier that way.  Because if people saw how truly large his heart was, they might toy with it, and break it.  And he’s simply not ready to bear the brunt of that pain for another eternity.

Of course, we have seen Damon show his goodness to many people . . . people he loves and cares about . . . like Stefan, Elena, Alaric, and Rose.  But he always does so with a caveat.  “I don’t do GOOD,” he tells them all . . . a pleading refrain.

When what he really means is, “Please don’t break my heart again.”

Elena understands all this instinctively, which is why she’s now so incredibly hot for Damon, she can’t breathe.   She turns her body toward the ceiling, mimicking his earlier gesture, but not before she reaches for his hand . . . What starts as a gesture of solidarity and understanding, becomes something much more . . . intense.  Seconds later, these two are having some serious Hand Sex.  There’s rubbing, massaging, groping and fondling.  Put it this way, if these were any other body parts, aside from fingers, this scene would be rated NC-17.

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Can you blame Elena for needing to go outside for some “air?”  And, more importantly, can you blame Damon for following her?  He knows a turned on hot tottie when he sees one!

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 By the time Damon approaches Elena, she’s literally gasping for breath.  She can’t resist any longer.  She grabs him, and kisses him intensely.  He throws her against the wall of the dirty motel passionately, as he kisses her chest and neck . . . there is not a single erogenous zone left untouched.  (Well . . . maybe ONE erogenous zone.)  She’s moaning, he’s panting.  It’s the dry hump of all dry humps.  And it is awesome.  And for one brief minute, the world is a perfect SEXY place.

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And then Cockblock Jeremy comes and ruins it all . . .

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Apparently, Rose has found Scary Mary in Texas, or wherever.  Who cares?  I want more Delena Almost Sex!  I’ve waited THREE SEASONS FOR THIS, DAMMIT!  Let’s relive it, shall we?

Where’s Fake Friend Kol when you need him?

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Vampire Hoarders – Scary Mary Edition

All sexual frustration aside, you know what?  I’m kind of disappointed that we never got to meet Scary Mary.  I mean, if DAMON thought she was creepy,  she must have really been a piece of work.  And yet, not creepy enough for our Bad Boy Vamp not to screw her in the past.

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That IS pretty Scary . . . Mary . . . 

“I said she was creepy, not ugly,” Damon quips, as Damon and Elena wander her haunted farmhouse of freakishness.  (They made Jeremy wait outside.  “Why so you two can make out more?”  Jeremy griped.  WE WISH!)

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Don’t mind if we do  . . .

Of course, Kol killed Scary Mary, before they got there.  Now, not only will we never get to meet Scary Mary.  We aren’t going to find out which Original sired her . . . probably for another season or so.  Maybe I’m exaggerating.  But I’m starting to think not.  Kol starts beating Damon up again.  Because it seems that poor Damon can’t go two episodes without getting torture or a beat down.  That’s just the price you pay for being a stud, I guess.

On a shippers note, I did love how both Elena and Damon put themselves in harms way to protect their makeout buddies.  “Don’t you touch her,” Damon growled, thereby causing my panties to drop again for about the 80th time this hour.

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But be wary, Delena fans.  Angst is-a comin . . .

In which Elena screws everything up (AGAIN),  but Rose gives us hope . . .

Outside Scary Mary’s house, Damon and Elena fondle one another’s wounds, as we know they LOOOOVE to do with one another.

But Damon makes the mistake of asking Elena what her sudden change of behavior is all about.  “Stefan thinks I have feelings for you,” Elena mumbles pathetically.

“Do you?” Damon asks stupidly?

(Really Damon?  You have to ask.  I mean, did you WATCH that hotel scene?)

“I don’t know,” replies Elena.

(AGRRRRHHHHH!  These people are killing me!)

Then, Elena has to go be all b*tchy, and admit that part of her was hoping that Damon would sabotage their makeout session, so Elena wouldn’t have to face the fact that she’s in love with someone who isn’t SAINT Stefan.

As frustrating as this scene was, I have to say, I was super proud of Damon for staunchly refusing to behave badl, thereby giving Elena an excuse to deny her feelings, and go running back to Stefan again.  Things may have ended badly between Damon and Elena, this week.  But I think, overall, it was a positive thing that Damon held his ground and leveled the playing field.  It’s about time, Elena chose a Salvatore once and for all, based on her true feelings, and not on some lame technicality . . .

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On the car ride home, Ghost Rose whispers in Jeremy’s ear that Damon and Elena had a fight, which is why they are now not talking, whereas, prior to this, they were eating one another’s faces.  (Well, THANKYOU, Captain Obvious!  And here, I thought they had just caught a bad case of mono / bronchitus, from all that kissing they were doing earlier.)

But like I said, I can’t bash Rose any more . . . especially not when she assumes the voice of the entire Delena fandom, by explaining why exactly, Stefan is the “safe” choice for Elena (because Rippers are SUPER safe), while Damon is the SEXY choice.  “She makes him a better person.  But he changes her too,” she explains surprisingly eloquently.  Damon challenges [Elena].  He makes her question her beliefs.  He is either the best thing for her or the worst.”

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Well, I’m going to go with THE BEST . . . but, other than that, I really couldn’t have said it myself.  I never thought I’d say this, but THANK YOU, Rose.  Thanks a lot.  (And, hey, if you ever want a side career, in TV recapping, you know who to call . . .)

Welcome back, Psycho Killer!

Back in Psycho Killer rehab, Alaric has woken up from his neckbreaking still himself . . . unfortunately.  Now, Stefan has to resort to beating Good Alaric up, in order to get Bad Alaric to come out and play.  Alaric even removes his ring, to raise the stakes.  It’s a surprisingly unpleasant scene, with Alaric bleeding everywhere, and Stefan desperately trying to fight the bloodlust he NEEDS to make this happen.

Eventually, Psycho!Alaric does appear.  And he starts flinging insults at Stefan like it’s his job.  “You’re pathetic,” he sneers.  “You’re nothing,” etc. etc.

But Psycho!Alaric isn’t all that smart, apparently, because it only takes him about two minutes to reveal that he hid the stake in the cave “where no vampire can get it.”  (Seriously, what’s with these people and caves?  Doesn’t anyone in Mystic Falls like to hang out above ground anymore?)

Of course, by the time Stefan and Psycho!Alaric arrive upstairs, Klaus and Rebekah are already waiting for them.  “Rebekah” gallantly offers to escort Psycho!Alaric to the cave, so Klaus can flirt some more with Stefan.  Honestly, Klaus has such a big boner for Stefan it’s not even funny.  It makes his boner for Caroline, look like . . . well . . .a handdrawn picture of a pony.  “I want my friend back,” Klaus gripes.

But Stefan isn’t about to be won over so easily this time.  He’s accepted his Ripperness, dagnamit!  And now NO ONE can control him . . . well . . . except for maybe Elena . . . boyfriend is TOTALLY whipped.

Here comes the TWIST . . .

Meanwhile, over in the caves, Psycho!Alaric, knowing he’s in grave danger of an Original Ass-Whipping / Cave Murder, tries to strike a deal with Klaus Barbie, before he crosses the threshhold back to where vampires CAN travel.  “Only one Original has to die,” he pleads.  “Help me, and I’ll make sure it’s not you.”

A fair enough proposal, but Rebekah isn’t having it . . . as she Boldly Goes into the Cave Where No Vampire Has Gone Before.  You see . . . because Rebekah isn’t a vampire anymore . . . She isn’t even Rebekah, anymore.  She’s MAMA “I WANT ALL VAMPIRES TO DIE” Esther  . . . .

. . . who’s currently borrowing her daughter’s body, like I used to borrow my best friend’s clothing in junior high.  (Her body fits better though . . . My best friend was WAY TOO TALL for me to fit in her pants.)

I smell an ALLIANCE OF EVIL . . .

And that was “Heart of Darkness” in a nutshell . . . next week we get another Deadly Decade Dance.  You can check out the Extended Promo, and a sneak peek here . . . (I’d give you the Canadian one too, if I could find it . . .)

Until next time, my fellow Fangbangers!

[www.juliekushner.com][Fangirls Forever]

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Filed under The Vampire Diaries

You Better Knock on Wood! – A Recap of The Vampire Diaries’ “The Murder of One”

“Hey Rebekah, would you mind if we finish reenacting your favorite scene from Fifty Shades of Grey, later?  I kind of have to pee.” 

Greetings, Fangbangers!  Our favorite vampire show has become quite the merciless tease, hasn’t it?

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The promos promised us Open Season on Originals . . . a veritable Vampire Bloodbath . . . our heros, armed with more stakes than they had targets. “The odds ever in their favor.”

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What we got was one lowly kill, of a character who’s claim to fame was literally being a Creepy Mama’s Boy.  Also, dude couldn’t fight worth a sh*t.  (Let’s face it, my grandma would have put up more of a fight than Finn did.)  Then again, in his defense, if you had spent the last 900 years napping, you’d probably be a bit off your game too.

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Additionally, the promos promised us intensely erotic Delena kisses.

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What we got was a Dream Sequence . . .

. . . oldest trick in the book . . . And yet, I manage to fall for it Every Single Time.

Shame on me.

Petty frustrations aside, there WAS definitely some fun to be had during “The Murder of One.”  For starters, we were treated to a rather clever twist on the concept of “Vampire Family.”  (So, which Original do you think sired Rose?)

Mommy? 

In related news, our Scooby Gang reached new levels of stupidity, when it willing ARMED the serial killer . . . again.  (They really would have been better off hiding the stake in the soapdish . . .)

So, stroke . . . er . . . I mean sharpen your woody . . . and chain up your half-naked pet vampire.  Because it’s time for another TVD-cap . . .

(As always, special thanks to my expert screencapper, Andre for the filled with awesomesauce screencaps you see here.)

“Shhh . . . be very, very quiet.  We’re hunting Originals.”

“Elena, please stop hounding me for sex.  You are starting to sound a little desperate.” 

Truth be told, Damon is acting a little cagey, when Elena pops by the site of Alaric’s “house arrest,” to drop off the latter’s Breakfast of Psycho Killer Champions.  The dark-haired vampire seems unusually eager for the love of his life to leave.  In fact, he pretty blatantly rebuffs her attempts to cross the threshhold into the apartment.

(And we all know how much Damon and Elena generally enjoy their bedroom rendezvous.)

Something is definitely UP, but what could it be?

Perhaps, Bad!Alaric has gone on a rampage, and destroyed the house?  Or, maybe the two bromantic buddies are having a dance-off.  Maybe, Damon and Alaric are watching a Lifetime movie together.  And they have just reached the part where Tori Spelling finally escapes her wife beating-shrew of a husband, and finds her way into the waiting arms of the mildly attractive B-list actor, who loved her all along . . .

“Funny . . . I always thought the most dangerous weapon in the world was in my pants . . .” 

It isn’t until after Damon closes the door in Elena’s face, that we find out what he’s really hiding . . . It’s his morning wood . . .-en stakes, that is.  That’s right, boys and girls!  It turns out that Psycho Killer Alaric Saltzman is a whiz with a buzz saw!  (Take that, crazy family from The Texas Chainsaw Massacre.) 

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And Damon?  Well, he can whittle like nobody’s business!  Their Herculean efforts (combined with Stefan’s griping and complaining about his wood not being sufficiently erect) turn an old lame wooden bridge sign, into no less than TWELVE lean, mean, Originals- killing machines . . .  (Though part of me thinks they could have had more, if they made them a little smaller.  Silly men – always so preoccupied with the size of their sticks . . .)

Then, because five whole minutes have passed in the episode without anyone having done anything stupid, Damon and Stefan convince Psycho!Alaric to not only NOT turn himself in to the cops, but also to wear his “Jamaican Me Crazy” ring, for sh*ts and giggles.  Then . . . they actually GIVE this lunatic a stake!!!  Can you believe it?

Speaking of Psycho!Alaric, Elena tells Caroline that she should TOTALLY forgive him for murdering her father.  After all, it’s not his fault that he has REALLY bad taste in jewelry!

“It could be worse, he could have a Jamaican Me Crazy Nipple Ring . . .” 

Just like it’s not Caroline’s fault that she used to sometimes drink her favorite B Positive Blood from peoples’ necks, instead of using a straw, like the rest of us . . .

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After all, everybody knows that if Elena chose to turn her back on her friends and lovers JUST because they were serial killers, she wouldn’t have any friends at all!  (Plus, she’d pretty much never, ever get laid.)

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Caroline is super impressed by Elena’s Mother Theresa-esque attitude toward supernatural murderers.  So, she vows to be more tolerant of her father’s stake-wielding, cold blooded killer, in the future.  All  together now: Awwwww!

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As it turns out, Elena and Caroline aren’t just frolicking in the woods for their health.  They have a date with destiny!  Stefan has gathered the entire Scooby Gang . . . and Matt . . . in order to indoctrinate them into Team Kill Originals.

“No, Damon!  Everytime you make us play shirts versus skins, Vampire Killers, you always make us be skins.  It’s not fair!” 

“I can take off my pants, if that helps.  (I’m not wearing any underwear.)” 

And why shouldn’t everyone get to play?  There are plenty of stakes to go around!  Plus, since Mommy Original Witch’s spell has succesfully linked the family’s lives together, all the group needs to do is manage to kill ONE Original, and the rest of them will die shortly thereafter.

Now, surely, this stalwart crew of monsters, murderers and  . . Matt . . . can manage to kill one measley vampire, right?

Well . . .

On one hand, I adored the lighthearted nature of this “training” scene.  I smirked when Elena got to “roleplay” Klaus.  And I smiled again, when Caroline, (a.k.a. Klaus Bait) got to roleplay Rebekah.  My only gripe with this scene was that I thought there should have been a whole lot less planning, and a whole lot more .  . . STABBING of things.  Just sayin.’

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Finn Mikaelson . . . you are The Weakest Link.

Little does the Scooby Gang know that an Originals-Killing opportunity is closer at hand, than they think.  As it turns out, The World’s Most Self-Loathing Vampire (though, it could be argued that his vampire-eating, father hated himself more), did not actually leave town, as initially suspected.  In fact, he’s wandering around the Mystic Falls’ town square, RIGHT NOW.  It is here, where brother and sister dearest, Klaus and Rebekah corner him, and drag him back to their family lair.

“Check out those pects!  Have you been working out?” 

But Klaus and Rebekah are no dummies.  They know, full well, that they can catch more flies with honey, than with Finn-egar.   (See what I did there?)  Knowing that Finn will not guard his  life, to save his own siblings, they opt to offer him another reason to live  .  . . a.k.a. his lover girl, Sage . . . the boxing mind raper.  (Well, we all know who wore the pants in THAT relationship.)

Personally, my impression of Finn has always been that the only woman he’s ever dreamed about being horizontal with, is the one who breast fed him.  But hey, at least cares enough about Sage to put off whacking himself, long enough to accompany her to the Only Bar / Social Establishment in Mystic Falls for some bottom shelf tequila.  Ahhh, true love!

“He always shouted out, ‘Mommy,’ whenever we had sex.  I thought it was a cute pet name . . . until that time, when his mother tried to climb into bed with us  . . .”

Well, hello, there, Bondage Damon!

Back at La Casa de Rich and Awesome, Damon and Alaric (Wait . . . they are letting the Psycho Killer out of the house now?  What happened to house arrest?)  . . .

Then again, maybe some fresh air wouldn’t hurt . . .

 . . . are busy hiding their Originals-killing stakes.  When Damon decides to hide his in the fire kindling, Alaric hilariously reminds him of the “Moonstone in the Soapdish” incident.  Crazy Train is right, Damon.

Hiding valuable objects in plain sight might not be the best idea, in this instance.  . .

Unfortunately, Damon is about to have bigger problems than merely choosing a poor hiding place for his surrogate weiner.  Suddenly, Alaric has been knocked out cold, by an unseen force.

Alaric: “I’ve fallen and I can’t get up.”

Alaric’s alter ego: “Suck it up, loser!  We’ve got people to kill!” 

Next thing you know, Damon is being staked in the gut, to the point of unconsciousness.  “Hello, lover,” coos Rebekah, as she drags her “ex boyfriend” out of the house.  Well, that’s one way to let a guy know you are interested . . .

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This is another . . . 

Sometime during the commercial break, Rebekah, the sadist – who was none too happy to learn that Damon had used her body for sex, and then mind-raped her too boot (I don’t know, sounds like a pretty great time to me) has taken the opportunity to chain Damon to her ceiling.

Now, that’s a lot of heavy hardware to have just “lying around” your new mansion.  In fact, it made me wonder where one goes to purchase such a contraption.  (Something tells me an S&M sex shop wouldn’t do particularly good business in an old-fashioned town, like Mystic Falls.  Then again, considering about ¾ of the people we’ve met who live there are bloodthirsty vampires, witches, and werewolves, perhaps some intrepid entrepreneur capitalized on what he saw as a good business opportunity.)

Question, fangbangers:  Does the fact that I was turned on by the sight of an open-shirted Damon chained to the ceiling make me a bad person?  I strongly suspect that it does.  Then again, unless this is the first recap of mine that you are reading, you probably already knew I was a bad person, anyway, and have decided to withhold judgment against me for it.  So, thank you for that.

You know what’s nifty about the Salvatores?   (Yes, I just used the word “nifty.”  1954 has been calling me ever since I typed it, asking that I return the word to its proper decade.)  They even bleed pretty.  Back in “As I Lay Dying” the makeup department did a pretty awesome job  of making the gorgeous Ian Somerhalder genuinely look like a sickly vampire, mere moments away from suffering the True Death.

But this time, Bondage Damon just looked like a gogo dancer at an S&M themed strip joint . . . one who’d been splattered with red body paint to accentuate his perfectly muscled abs.

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Klaus must have noticed this too.  Upon seeing Damon Salvatore, The Extra Large Christmas Tree Ornament Version, he suggested that Rebekah HANG HIM UPSIDE DOWN.  Now, that is something I would have liked to have seen!  (I suspect Ian and his agents would likely have disagreed to that though.)  The implied method to Klaus’ awesomeness madness is that an upside down Damon can be bled for vervain much faster than one that is right side up, which would make him a quicker candidate for compulsion.

Rebekah balked at the idea . . . not necessarily because it was a bad one . . . but, more so because it was Klaus’ idea.  And Rebekah can torture her ex boyfriends just fine, without his help, thank you very much.  Also, I suspect, based that Rebekah was much more interested in torturing Damon and making him bleed, than actually .  . . oh, I don’t know . . . making him do something useful for the Original’s cause.  Such motivation (or lack thereof) is kind of consistent with who Rebekah is as a character, I think.  She’s never really been one to concern herself with mundane things like “goals, plans, and  . . . logic.”

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In other words, it’s all “id” all the time, for this chick . . .

Mystic Falls, we have a problem . . .

Unlike Bonnie, who never seems to pick up her cell phone, or return anyone’s calls (It looks like someone got a bad cell phone plan at Witchmart), Damon is usually rather chatty.

So, when Alaric has no clue where Damon has gone, and the latter is not answering his phone, Stefan knows that something is drastically wrong.  He tells Elena to hold off on staking Finn in the town square, because the Team is in trouble.

Upon hearing about that Damon might have been captured by the enemy, Elena immediately campaigns for a rescue mission.  “Please Stefan,” she says “Rescue your brother, because I strongly suspect he is half naked, and, back when you were chained to a ceiling half-naked by older vampires, he dropped everything to go out in the rain and rescue you.   Also, I’m in love with the guy, and would very much like to bone him” Elena says (more or less).

Stefan replies, “Meh, maybe later.  Killing Originals is wayyyy more important than my brother’s life. He’ll understand” (failing to realize, of course, that because Damon has been captured BY AN ORIGINAL, this would be an excellent opportunity to kill two birds with one stake.)”

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*clears throat*

Elena pouts in frustration.  But will she defy her exes instrustions to rescue his brother?  Only time will tell . . .

Damn you, promo makers.  DAMN YOU!

Rebekah may not be her brother’s equal, when it comes to Concocting Plans of World Domination / Vampire vervain draining, but she can definitely hold her own, when it comes to psychological torture.  Later on in the episode, we see a fully drained and rather pale Damon, still chained alone in the grand hall area, when a “mysterious female figure” approaches him.  It’s “Elena.”  “Elena” looks at Damon with obvious concern, as he weakly motions for her to free him from his chains.

“If you wanted to be kinky, Damon, a pair of fuzzy handcuffs would have been much cheaper.”

Damon’s body collapses into Elena’s, as the two stumble dramatically toward the exit, calling to mind a similar situation that occurred back in “As I Laying Dying.”  But Damon is too weak from loss of blood, and he falls to the floor, zapped of strength.  “I’m not leaving you,” Elena says heroically, cupping her lover’s face in her hands, as she offers him her wrist.  “Drink, she says.”

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And drink he does.  It’s so sweet and erotic, that you really can’t blame the pair for wanting to make out, afterwards, despite the fact that they are minutes away from being discovered and killed by ORIGINAL VAMPIRES.  (What can you do?  The tongue wants what it wants.)

Then, Damon awakens to a triumphant looking Rebekah, who clearly planned the entire hallucination.

Well . . . that BITES! I throw my shoe at the television, in disgust . . .

 Between a Rock and a Klaus Place

Damon may not be having the best day, but it might give him comfort to know he isn’t the only Team Scooby, who’s stuck being an Original’s b*tch, this week.  Klaus has Bonnie, who he has been holding under duress to perform the spell that will unlink the Original siblings lives.  When Bonnie claims not to know any such spell, Klaus threatens Jeremy’s life (via Kol, who’s secretly watching the future serial killer), and the life of her errant mother.

This recap has been brought to you by Apple iPhone . . . 

Suddenly, Bonnie’s memory returns to her.  (It’s a miracle!)  She mumbles a bit over the blood of the Originals, and it starts to escape in separate directions.  And, just like that, the spell has been completed.  Well, that was easy . . .

How many friggin candles does this chick have?  Seriously, she must light about 30 in every episode.  And they are always these boring white ones too.  A little color wouldn’t hurt, ya know?

On the way out of Klaus House, Bonnie catches sight of Bondage Damon, and opts to leave him there rotting, when Klaus reminds her of what he did to her sorry excuse for a mother.

Clearly, someone hasn’t been attending the Elena Gilbert School of Supernatural Forgiveness.   Once Bonnie is outside the house, she calls Elena to let her know that Klaus still has her lover boy.

After that, the stresses of the day overtake Bonnie, and she cries until snot pours out of her nose . . . literally.  I guess this means that snot and tears are the new nosebleed.  Look on the bright side Bonnie, it will save you a lot of money on dry cleaning.  And hey, life could be worse: SOMEONE COULD HAVE LEFT YOU CHAINED TO THE CEILING, HALF NAKED, AND ON THE VERGE OF DEATH!

The Wild and Wacky World of Vampire Genetics

It’s too bad the Scooby Gang doesn’t watch The Vampire Diaries.  If they did, they would have known about the whole separation spell having already been completed.  It would have saved them a stake . . .

Over at The Only Bar / Social Establishment in Mystic Falls, lovebirds, Sage and Finn, are enjoying shots of tequila.  Apparently, the 1,000ish year old Finn was a “tequila virgin,” up until this point.  (Yikes.  What a way to live!  No wonder he was always wanting to die!)

“The more of these I drink, the more you look like my mother.” 

A few shots later, Finn has decided to save his own life . .  . which, of course, means he’s about to get shanked . . .  That’s just how this show works. But before Finn can be killed, we have to endure a discussion between Finn and Sage about how many people they’ve each turned.  Finn seems to suggest he turned ONLY Sage, and did so out of loooooooove.

Sage, on the other hand, was a vampire-turning slut, converting humans left and right, whenever the mood hit her.  She even recently turned some dude in the bar, on the way to the bathroom . . .

With the help of Plot Device Matt, Stefan slips some vervain into Sage’s and Finn’s tequila.  When they go outside to investigate.  Stefan stakes Finn, and he goes kablooey.  Sage cries, and snots, like Bonnie did earlier.

“Listen honey, I know you’re hot for me, but this is just ridiculous.” 

And Stefan leaves, triumphant, thinking he’s just killed Klaus.  Sucks to be him . . . But hey, it could be worse, he could be CHAINED TO THE CEILING HALF NAKED . . . or . . . even worse than that . . . he could be Finn . . .

“One tequila, two tequila, three tequila . . . floor.” 

Who will save YOUR soul?

When Stefan learns from Elena, via Bonnie, that Klaus is not-so-much-dead, he’s furious, and finally ready to retrieve his brother, so that he can personally kill Klaus.  (Well, it’s about damn time!)  Shortly thereafter, Sage arrives to avenge her loverboy Finn’s death, along with that random vampire she turned in the bar.  Fortunately, for Stefan, the pair start coughing up blood, and die,  before they can do any real damage.

This looks like the before picture in a Botox commercial. 

Maybe she died of a broken heart, mused Caroline “B Positive” Forbes, who was there for moral support.  Nahh, if vampires could die of a broken heart, all the vampires on this show would have been dead a long time ago . . .

Eventually, Elena and Caroline figure out the “loophole” to their little plan.  Apparently, when an Original dies, he takes his entire bloodline along with him.  Well, hello BIG TWIST!

Of course, this means that ONE of the Original’s holds the key to the Salvatore Brothers’ and Caroline’s mortality.  After all, these three vampires come from the same “bloodline.”  Damon’s blood turned Caroline.  Katherine’s blood turned Stefan and Damon.  And Rose’s blood turned Katherine.

The question is . . . which Original turned Rose?   Because that’s the one our Scooby Gang can’t kill.  Personally, my money’s on Elijah, the Original, who’s continued existence for all eternity is the least likely to have a negative impact on the Salvatore Brother’s lives.  (If you recall, both Rose and Trevor were working for Elijah, during their first appearance on the show.)  This also gives Daniel Gillies, a “get back on the show” free card for the rest of the program’s run, which makes me very happy.

In other news, Tyler clearly comes from Klaus’ bloodline, which kinda sucks for Caroline, who’s pretty much destined to lose two love interests in a single episode.  But hey, at least she’s not CHAINED TO A CEILING, HALF NAKED. 🙂  Sorry, I couldn’t resist.

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Meanwhile, over at Klaus House, Stefan comes to rescue Damon.  “This went much differently in my head,” the Elder Salvatore brother jokes.

It went differently in my head too . . .

Stefan admits to killing Finn, and offers to make a deal with the Devil.  Eight Original Killing Stakes in exchange for Damon.  (Sounds like a good deal to me!)

But Klaus is smarter than I am, and knows there must be more than eight stakes left over.  So, he evilly compels Damon to try to break free from his chains, causing the poor guy excruciating pain . . . scratch that  . . . MORE excruciating pain.

Someone needs a nap . . . 

It really has not been a good episode for Damon.  Has it?  He then compels Damon to tell him the actual number of stakes remaining, which, as we know, is eleven (since the stake in Finn is gone, gone, gone).

Interestingly enough, it’s actually scorned lady Rebekah, who ultimately shows Damon mercy, offering up Damon’s freedom as a sign of good faith, while Stefan retrieves the remaining stakes, and brings them back to Klaus.  Drats, foiled again, Scooby Gang.  But hey, look on the bright side, Klaus might end up being your “daddy,” and then you’ll be glad you didn’t kill him / commit suicide.

Heart-to-Bloody Heart

In the aftermath of this twist of fate in Kill Klaus games, Rebekah balks at Klaus’ complete inability to mourn his brother’s passing.  Klaus calls Finn pathetic, and better off dead.  (Well, we certainly won’t be having HIM speak at the funeral.)  Rebekah notes sadly that, for all their manipulations the Salvatore brothers are willing to  risk their lives for one another, whereas the Mikaelsons only seem to give two craps about one another, when they are magically linked.

Klaus pouts,  promising Rebekah that he will make his own family, who are magically inclined to love him, no matter how many people he kills, or cheesy horse pictures he draws.  That’s the spirit Klaus!  Everyone knows there’s no better friend than a love slave . . .

Speaking of love slaves, Stefan’s kind of bummed that he can no longer focus all his life energy on killing Klaus, anymore.  This means, he’ll have to finally cope with what a douchenozzle he’s been to everybody this season.  That makes Stefan sad.

Stefan is also finally going to have to cope with the consequences of his recent actions . . . and one consequence in particular . . . the fact that his departure paved the way for Elena to fall in love with Damon.

“Look me in the eye and tell me that you don’t feel something for him,” says Stefan solemnly to his lady love.

Elena claims she doesn’t know what she feels.  But everyone else in Mystic Falls does . . .

Bad!Alaric strikes again.

Earlier on in the episode, Caroline had an awkward, “It’s OK that you killed my dad,” conversation with Alaric, who was supposedly “cured” from being a serial killer by some of Bonnie’s magic “Serial Killer Be Gone” soup.

“It’s OK, Alaric.  My father will always live on in my memories.  We shared so many good times together.” 

During that conversation she talked about the folks that she killed, back when she first turned vamp . . . like that random high school kid Connor, and her mom’s police boy partner . . . “We all have blood on our hands,” Caroline mused. sympathetically.

“Was it as good for you, as it was for me?” 

But Alaric’s got bigger problems now than “blood on his hands.”  He’s also still got psychopath on the BRAIN.  (Bonnie Soup = FAIL!)  Alaric comes to THIS painful realization, when Damon comes to collect his Originals killing stake, and Alaric learns that he’s stolen it . . . from himself.  (Don’t you just hate it when that happens?)

Maybe it’s hidden in your Chunky Monkey. 

Two weeks from now, on TVD, Elena will finally admit her feelings for Damon on a Vampire Road Trup.  Then, the two will share a bed together, and have “finger sex.”  *sigh*

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(This better not be another dream sequence, or someone’s going to get a stake up their ass, courtesy of one very angry TV Recapper.)

Dead Rose will also appear, thanks to Ghost Whisperer/ Future Psycho Killer Jeremy.  In other news, Tyler’s back.  And he’s wasted no time reuniting his tongue with Caroline’s.

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But is he still Gay for Klaus?  Only time will tell . . .You can check out the trailer for that episode here:

Until next time, Fangbangers!

[www.juliekushner.com][Fangirls Forever]

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Filed under The Vampire Diaries

Love Means Never Having to Say, “I Drank Your Blood” – A Recap of The Vampire Diaries’ Season 2 Finale “As I Lay Dying”

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ELENA:  “Mmmm . . . your face tastes good . . . like chocolate . . . and sex.  I’ve been waiting for TWO SEASONS to do this!”

DAMON: “Yes, Elena.  My mouth is heavenly, isn’t it?  You know what OTHER part of me is heavenly?  I’ll give you a hint, you’re leaning against it, right now.”

ELENA:  “Slow down, horndog!  Save something for the SEASON 3 FINALE!”

 Holy heck, Fangbangers!  Say what you will about the TVD writers, but they SURE do know how to end off a season with a bang . . . (and a bite . . . and a suck . . . and an “Aren’t you supposed to already be dead?”).  Perhaps, I should take a moment to remind you about the LAST SEASON FINALE . . .  Remember THIS?

. . . and THIS?

 . . . and THIS?

How about THIS?

As I was watching the Season 2 Finale, I kept thinking back on TVD’s FIRST season ender, and realizing what very different “creatures” these two episodes were.  While the Season 1 Finale, was all about nonstop action, chaos, and the creation of multiple cliffhangers . . .

 . . . the Season 2 Finale was quieter and slower moving, but, arguably, more thought provoking.  The way I see it, “As I Lay Dying,” was less about what actually HAPPENED during the episode, and more about HOW the things that happened reflected events of the show’s past, while foreshadowing its a VERY different future  . . .

Speaking of foreshadowing for the future, NEVER, in my whole history of television watching, has a season finale made me MORE excited for the show’s subsequent season, than THIS Season Finale did for TVD’s Season 3.  And no, I’m not just saying that because Season 3 promises to be the Year of Delena . . .

 . . . Dark Stefan . . .

and . . . “Damn, that Jeremy Gets Around!”

On second thought .  . . who am I kidding?  That’s EXACTLY why I’m saying it!

Well, we’ve got a heck of a lot to cover.  So, what do you say, we get started?

It’s Too Late to Apologize . . . Or Is It?

“Oh, come on, Elena!  How could you NOT forgive a face like this?  And really . . . I mean . . . when you think about it, what I did to you THIS time was no where NEAR as bad as the Jeremy Neck Snap Incident!”

We begin the episode with a closeup on Sad Elena.  She checks on a still-sleeping Jeremy, before taking an extremely maudlin journey into the Now-Dead Useless Aunt Jenna’s room, where the yummy stench of Alaric’s Chunky Monkey still hangs in the air, like a promise unfulfilled . . .

“Come on, Elena!  Don’t be sad!  Might I interest you in some Comfort Food?”

Then Damon magically appears . . .

“I think I’ll have some of that Comfort Food now, please.”

We, of course, know, by this point, that Damon believes his diagnosis of Were Rabies to be a death sentence.  But Elena doesn’t know about it yet.   And Damon plans to keep it that way. 

He comes to Elena begging for forgivness.  Like a terminal cancer patient receiving his last rights, Damon wants absolution for the sins he’s committed against the woman he loves most.  “Feeding you my blood,” he begins.  “It was wrong.”

“I know I don’t deserve your forgiveness UHHH YEAH YOU DO, especially considering the fact that she is NOT A VAMPIRE, and also NOT DEAD, because of YOU!, but I need it,” Damon explains.

I love how unassuming and quietly reserved Damon is, when he says these words.  As fans, we know EXACTLY how desperate Damon is for Elena to forgive him for what he has done, before he dies.  And yet, Damon carefully hides his desperation from Elena, not wanting to reveal to her his lethal secret.  If Elena is to forgive him now, Damon wants to be sure that she does it from her heart, and not because she feels forced to do so by Damon, or worse, does it out of pity.

“And I need some time . . . maybe a lot of time,” says Elena to the guy she THINKS will live forever. 

(Ahh, the benefits of hanging out with vampires.   You get to hold a grudge for a REALLY LONG TIME.  And they will probably still take you back, when you are finished with your YEARS of sulking . . . but only if you look like Nina Dobrev.)

“Take all the time you need,” fibs Damon dejectedly, already resigned to his fate. 

Damon even manages to give Elena a small wistful smile, as he leaves her home, while on the inside, we know that he is doing THIS . . .

A dejected Damon then stumbles back to La Casa de Rich and Awesome to pour himself, what he believes to be, his Last Breakfast of Bourbon and Tears . . .

“Oh, my dear, sweet liquor!  At least YOU will never let me down, by being a total brat to me, while I’m on my DEATH BED.”

Damon then takes off his shirt (YEAH!) rolls up his sleeve (DARN!) to examine his were bite.  I’m not going to lie.  It’s pretty darn fugly looking.  At this point, Damon sees the writing on the wall.  He knows that in less than a day, he’s going to start to go bonkers, and, if history is any indication, become a SUPER ANNOYING, DROOLING, MENACE TO MYSTIC FALLS, much like THIS GIRL was  . . .

Becoming Rabid Man Stealer Rose is a FATE WORSE THAN DEATH . . .

Not wanting this to happen to him, Damon removes his Sunscreen Ring and his shirt (COME ON, WRITERS!  WORK WITH ME HERE!), and walks toward his unusually-ornate-for-a-bachelor-pad stained-glass window (religious imagery much?),  while whiny contemplative chick music moans in the background (And, if THAT’S not enough to make you kill yourself, I don’t know what is!).

“Geez, I’m dying here!  Can’t I at least go out to the tune of something COOL . . . like Anberlin’s ‘Enjoy the Silence?'”

But just when Damon’s face starts to show signs of serious sun damage, OUT OF FRIGGIN NOWHERE, Stefan, that BAD ASS MO FO (And, really, how often do I describe Stefan in this way?) rushes onto the scene, tackle hugs his brother, and then pushes him against the wall, in one of the season’s Most Homoerotic Wall Slams EVER!

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“Kiss me, you fool!”

After he finishes wall-humping his hot older brother, Stefan tosses Damon into La Casa de Rich and Awesome’s Very Own, Correctional Institution for Wayward Vampires (past residents of said institution include the now-long-dead Zach Salvatore, Bloodaholic Stefan, and Rabid Rose) . . .

“I’ll be watching you, Damon . . . (so, don’t drop the soap)!”

Suddenly, having plenty of time on his hands, Damon takes this opportunity to get better acquainted with the hardwood floor that will be his home (and only true companion) for the duration . . .

“Hey babe!  What are YOU in for?”

But then Damon hacks up a whole boatload of blood all over said Floor, thereby shutting off any chance of a meaningful relationship between them.  And yet, just because Damon is dying from a terrible disease, destined to become Annoying Rose, and might never get laid again, doesn’t mean he can’t have a sense of humor about his  increasingly dire situation . . .

“Would it be too much to ask for a conjugal visit with your girlfriend?”

Damon wonders what’s going on in Prison Warden Stefan’s head.  “What’s the plan, Superman?”  He inquires dryly.

“Is that kryptonite in your pocket, or are you just happy to see me?”

Damon then suggests that Stefan “tell him goodbye, and get it over with.”  But Superman Stefan is not ready to bid his brother adieu.  He’s got a cure to find . . . and a witch to visit.

Meanwhile, in a random forest, there lies a shirtless Original Were Vamp . . . (Thank YOU!  At least SOMEONE understands the meaning of the phrase “clothing optional.”)

Hey, Look!  It’s Adam and Eve (if Adam was a vampire . . . and Eve was his brother . . . and instead of eating forbidden fruit, they ate HUMANS)!

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OMG!  That Crazy Brother F*&ker!  (Just so you know, what happens in the forest, STAYS in the forest.)

And you thought Damon and Stefan had SEXUAL TENSION?  These two brothers have NOTHING on Elijah and Klaus — two clearly bisexual (and incestual?) half-brother vampires, who have undoubtedly endured a MILLENNIUM of hating one another, while still wanting to jump eachother’s bones on a regular basis  . . .

Klaus, who’s been . . . umm . . . “not quite himself, lately”  . . .

 . . . asks his patiently waiting (and still perfectly coiffed, despite having spent days in the forest without a change of clothing, a shower, or indoor plumbing) brother for a recap of the past few days.  Elijah remarks with a bit of brotherly pride, that Klaus remained a wolf, even after the full moon, thus signifying that he can change at will.  Elijah then MAJORLY pisses off fans, by helping Klaus put his friggin clothing back on.  (LAME!)

The brothers eye f*&k a bit, as Elijah reminds Klaus that the latter promised to reunite him with the rest of his family, who, last we checked, were not-so-much buried at sea.  Klaus, echoing Elijah’s earlier in the season words to Elena, vows to keep his promise to his brother, despite the fact that Elijah . . . sort of/kind of tried to kill him.  “That’s OK,” offers Klaus, kindly.   “No ONE can kill me now . . . not even YOU.”

THIS . . . is becoming LESS AND LESS TRUE by the minute.  (But hey, at least he’ll always have that hair . . .)

Speaking of getting wrecked (bad transition?), back at the Only Bar / Social Establishment in Mystic Falls, our SECOND favorite Alchy (because DAMON is first, obviously) is busy getting blotto, having lost his SECOND SEXUAL PARTNER to vampiric death in the course of five episodes . . .

(Alaric is officially the NEW Jeremy . . .)

“Damon’s Dying . . . Please Help Him Get Sh*tfaced.”

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Is it just me, or does Alaric Saltzman get hotter with every episode?  Clearly, I have a thing for drunks (and chunky monkeys)?

 As Alaric stumbles off his bar stool, he gets a phone call from Stefan.  “I’m sorry, you’ve reached someone, who is currently not operating,” Alaric slurs.  (I swear, he sounds like Damon, more and more, every day!)

You know, with all that happened in last week’s episode, I totally forgot about Alaric’s Locked in the House by Bonnie’s Spell Thing.    That is until Stefan called Alaric, asking for help, and Alaric petulantly replied that he is “not allowed to help.  I am only allowed to sit back in the house, while my girlfriend gets sacrificed in some weird vampire ritual.”

“Awwww . . . man!  You’re still pissed at me about that?  Didn’t you get the ‘I’m sorry you were locked in the house by a witch’s spell, while your girlfriend was sacrificed by some weird vampire ritual’ roses and e-card I sent you?”

But Matt Davis is nothing if not a master in subtle changes in facial expression.  And when Stefan tells Alaric that Damon is dying, we immediately see all color drain from the poor guy’s face, and all stubborn anger leave his body.  Alaric has already lost his girlfriend.  He’ll be damned if he has to lose his BEST friend too.  “What do you need me to do?” He inquires solemnly.

Yes, my fellow fangbangers . .  . Team Bad Ass is back in action . . .

“You can’t die, Man!  Because I really need my wingman / drinking buddy back!”

But this wouldn’t be a season finale without a Random (and kind of stupid) Mystic Falls Event.  And this one is the Period Piece Picnic and Showing of Gone with the Wind in the Park . . .

 “You’re Aunt and Uncle /Father are dead.  My Mom wants to kill me.  So, let’s watch a movie, and make fun of people who are dressed like ASSH*LES.”

Elena and Jeremy are determined to regain some sense of normalcy in their lives.  (Well . . . Elena is . . . Jeremy’s just kind of moodily sulking, and looking all SAD HOT.)

“I need a hug.”

The mopey pair meet up with an almost unnervingly happy Caroline (Is that an “I just got laid” glow on your face, Vampire Barbie?) . . .

 . . . who believes that watching Gone with the Wind is just the thing this depressed duo needs to lift their spirits.   “The war is over.  Atlanta has burned.  Let’s move on!”  Caroline remarks cheerily.  (Oh, yeah!  She’s SO had sex, recently!)

Of course, watching Caroline perkily emote, I couldn’t help but wonder where TYLER was, during all this.

“Frankly, my dear, I don’t give a damn about period movies, or picnics, or stupid outfits . . .”

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“But I’d gladly dress like a Civil War Reenacting Reject for YOU, Caroline.”

Speaking of reenactments . . . I think it’s time for YET ANOTHER of Bonnie’s Witchy Spells, don’t you?  (No?  Well, unfortunately, you’re going to get one, anyway . . .)

In the words of Damon Salvatore, “Screw YOU, EMILY!”

I like you better when you are Maya from Pretty Little Liars . . .

Why is it that every time I see Bonnie, and her friggin candles, with her friggin eyes closed, mumbling gibberish, I get this terrible sense of deja vu?  It’s like the morning after a night of binge drinking, when, gradually, memories of the people you HUMILIATED yourself in front of rise unbidden to the surface of your mind.  That’s what these scenes feel like for me.  Maybe I would hate them less, if I didn’t have to see them EVERY SINGLE WEEK!

“Hey look!  There’s a spell in here that actually doesn’t involve filling an ENTIRE room with lit white candles.  Nahhh . . . too risky.”

Speaking of the candles, do you think Bonnie reuses the same ones for every spell, or just keeps buying new ones?  Because, if the latter is true, girlfriend should seriously consider buying stock in Yankee Candle, by now! 

Anywhoo, Stefan wants Bonnie to “summon the spirits” in order to see if any of them know of a werebite cure.  She closes her eyes, mumbles, candles flicker . . . blah, blah, blah, Witch Emergency, blah.  And all of the sudden Bonnie is “Emily,” which means she speaks in a slightly higher, but infinitely more haughty and obnoxious, voice.

“Woah, now she thinks she’s EMILY?  This B*tch is CRAZY!”

Stefan asks “Emily” about the cure for a werewolf bite.  But Emily, apparently, still has a big BUG up her ass about Damon, and doesn’t want to give up the intel. (I really never understood Emily’s DAMON hate.  I mean, didn’t he try to SAVE HER from being burned, so that she could help him find Katherine?  What gives, lady?)  “Emily” babbles on for WAY TOO LONG about the “balance of nature in the universe,” while I zone out for a bit, and have a Damon Sex Fantasy . . .

 . . . but then BONNIE wakes me up with her writhing in pain, and screaming.  (DAMN YOU, Bonnie!  I was having a good dream!)

“I’ve really gotta cut back on all the coke snorting I do  . . .”

Apparently, Emily isn’t the only witch with a Big Fat Bug up her ass.  The WHOLE Dead Coven seems to be collectively experiencing its Time of the Month.  They beat up on Bonnie, because they think she is “abusing their power.”  I think they all just need to get laid.  And, judging by the end of the episode . . . Jeremy may just be able to help them with that little problem, next season.

“Imma f*&k all you b*tches, REAL GOOD!”

Fortunately, the witches aren’t SO mad at Bonnie, that they aren’t willing to give her a little hint as to what she needs to do to save our Damon.  But since complete sentences just aren’t their style, they only give her a name, “Klaus.”

 Speaking of women on their periods . . .

Lizard Forbes gets her ASS handed to her by Mama Lockwood . . .

“This scene was supposed to make you feel bad for me.  But because I am an evil lizard / child killer, it fails, MISERABLY.”

I think this scene is completely random, and probably should have landed on the cutting room floor, in exchange for a Shirtless Damon scene. 

But since, I’m actually writing this recap in REAL TIME (i.e. watch a scene, press Pause, recap it, watch the next scene . . . wash, rinse, repeat) you have the joy of hearing me describe it, anyway. 

Mayor Lockwood is DONE being the sweet little lady who hosts charity events, and says kind things to Elena, and lends Elijah her house, and rejoices over her son’s return from Werewolf Camp, even though she is laid up in the hospital, following a “bad fall” down those Pesky Mansion Steps . . .

“That Damon Salvatore, sure is sexy!  Maybe I can hire him to come and give me a nice long sponge bath.”

Now, because the script requires it she is a kind-of-scary, Vampire-Hating Poopy Head .  . .

 . . . who thinks Lizard Forbes isn’t doing enough to remedy the “Vampire Situation” in Mystic Falls. 

Don’t get me wrong!  I LOVE seeing Lizard Forbes being abused by ANYONE willing to take on the job.  However, considering that everything concerning the “Vampire Emergency,” since Rose’s rabid rampage, has either been (1) explained away by natural means; (2) erased from the general public’s memory through compulsion; or (3) happened in secret (like John’s and Jenna’s deaths), I’m not really seeing Mama Lockwood’s sudden sense of immediacy here. 

Aside from that, the acting in this scene was just really, really, ridiculously, bad . . . Yeah, I went there.

Meanwhile, back at the picnic, with the people we ACTUALLY care about . . .

Blabbermouth Stefan Spills Yet Another One of Damon’s Secrets (SURPRISE!)

“Hey Elena!  It looks like it’s time for our Regularly Scheduled Moody, Yet Loving, Public Display of Affection.”

I’m going to say something here that might surprise you, given the DIEHARD Delena-ite I am.  As much as it bugs me that Stefan is COMPLETELY INCAPABLE of keeping ANY secrets whatsoever, I’m actually REALLY HAPPY that he ended up telling Elena about THIS secret. 

I know, crazy, right?

For one thing, it led to all the SUPER YUMMY Delena moments we were treated to, toward the end of the episode. 

The Delena ship has SET SAIL for Season 3!  And it’s going FULL STEAM AHEAD!

For another, I just feel like Elena had the right to know that one of the people she cares about most in the world was dying. Sure, as Damon gently brought up to Stefan, Elena ha certainly been through enough in her life these past few weeks, that she doesn’t need to mourn another loss right now.  But, honestly, if Damon died without Elena having made things right with him, I don’t think she ever would have forgiven herself for the cold way she treated him, at the beginning of the episode. 

“I had Damon in a BEDROOM  . . . in my HOUSE . . . and I turned him AWAY.  I am SUCH A FRIGGIN MORON!”

You can tell that this is the case, by the shocked, tearful, and genuinely heartbroken look on Elena’s face, when she first learns of Damon’s illness.  In some ways, Elena feels this diagnosis more than Stefan, because, unlike him, SHE witnessed it first hand with Rose.  (And where were YOU then, Mr. Salvatore?  Hanging out with EVIL ISOBEL, I presume!  Just sayin . . .) 

Also, given everything that’s gone down between Damon and Stefan, these past few episodes, the fact that Stefan actually ENCOURAGED Elena to go “comfort” Damon in his hour of need and give him hours and hours of hot Pre-Death Sex “hope,” was either the most generous thing he could have done, or the stupidest . . . I haven’t decided which, yet.  It made me VERY happy, though . . .

And yet, that happiness quickly sours, when we return to the Correctional Institution for Wayward Vampires, and learn that, Damon’s condition has already rapidly deteriorated.  Time is clearly running out for him . . .

Doppelganger Hijinks, a Super Sexy Hallucination, and the Possibility of a Twin Threesome.  (Now, that’s MY KIND OF SCENE!)

“I assume you’ve both been tested for STDs.  I really can’t afford another case of crabs painful disease.”

If you recall from “The Descent,” as Rose’s condition worsened, she broke further, and further from reality, repeatedly mistaking Elena from Katherine, and then attacking the poor innocent human, like the FREAKSHOW she was. 

Those of us who were concerned that Damon would end up doing the same thing, needn’t have worried.  Because unlike Rose, who HATED Katherine, Damon luuuuved her .  . well, at least he did in 1864.  So, when Damon starts hallucinating, it comes off less like a frightening psychotic episode, and more like free porn / a therapy session. 

Most of us had always assumed that Damon became a Civil War Deserter, back in 1864, because he disliked the regimented living of being in the army, and wasn’t comfortable with all the Yankee killing he’d have to do . . .

But, as it turns out, Damon’s reasons for going AWOL may have been a lot more simplistic than that. Back in 1864, we see that now-familiar sweetly polite, and almost tentative Damon, approach Katherine in her bedroom, as she “struggles” to undo her corset.  (AGAIN with the “Can you help me get naked routine?”  Seriously?  You would think that after all these years, girlfriend would have finally learned some new material . . .)

That being said, I must admit I was still turned on by the way Damon leaned in toward Katherine, gently massaging her shoulders and softly blowing on her neck, as she relaxed against him.  We hear Katherine actually TELL Damon that she loves BOTH him and Stefan, and that she can’t bear the thought of him leaving for war . . .

Then, his conscience, Elena, magically appears . . .

“Why can’t you remove MY clothing like that?”

“Elena” forces Damon– who had always laid the blame for what happened to him on Katherine (for manipulating his affections), and Stefan (for “forcing” him to go vamp) — to recognize the fact that he ultimately made the decisions that sealed his fate.  Knowing that Katherine was simultaneously making a play for BOTH Damon and Stefan, Damon STILL chose to defect from the Civil War, in order to be with her.  And it was that FIRST mistake Damon made, that ultimately led to everything that came after it . . .

It’s a profoundly enlightening moment for Damon.  It’s just too bad he has to be DYING OF WERE RABIES to experience it!

Speaking of that manipulative hot mess, Katherine, she’s still “stuck” at Alaric’s house, raiding his liquor cabinet, having been compelled by the still-living Klaus to stay there until “further notice.”

No wonder Alchy-Ric has to spend all his time alone at the Only Bar / Social Establishment in Mystic Falls!  He’s probably completely out of booze, by now!

Oh my god, you killed Elijah!  (You BASTARD!)

“Again?  Seriously?  I’m getting too old for this sh*t!”

So, I thought Elijah was supposed to be this Big Bad Ass!  Since when did he become the TVD version of Kenny from South Park?  Seriously, this is Elijah’s THIRD staking, in HOW many episodes?  Dude oughta seriously consider upping his accident insurance premiums!

“Fear me, for I am the Grim Reaper . . . of myself.”

When Stefan arrives at Alaric’s apartment (I guess Alaric must have invited him in, at some point?), Katherine is WAY pissed about this whole “still being under compulsion” thing.  But she’s not too pissed to give her ex-boyfriend an old Wall Slam for old time’s sake . . .

This Moment is interrupted by the return of Klaus and Elijah.  Not having time for pleasantries, Stefan wants Klaus to give him the cure for Damon’s were bite, but Klaus has “other matters” to tend to first.  Remember how Klaus promised Elijah he would “reunite him with his family”?  And remember how Klaus STAKED HIS ENTIRE FAMILY?  Yeah, Elijah may be hot, but apparently, he’s not a real whiz when it comes to reading comprehension.  So, of course, Klaus STAKES HIS OWN BROTHER, just as Elijah SHOULD have staked Klaus last week, but couldn’t.

Now, I’d mourn Elijah’s death, if I hadn’t already done so twice before.  Rest assured folks, this guy will LIVE to DIE AGAIN!  No wonder Katherine looked so completely BORED, during the staking . . .

“Things I’d rather be doing than watching Klaus stake Elijah:

(1) wall sex with Stefan

(2) floor sex with Damon

(3) freaky Doppelganger sex with Elena

(4) drunken couch sex with Alaric

(5) dancing

(6) washing my hair

(7) cleaning Alaric’s skanky man cave bathroom with a toothbrush”

Now, Katherine might be bored to tears, but Stefan is frightened / grudgingly impressed with his nemesis.  And Klaus, well, Klaus is just plain turned on.  He starts leering at Stefan and getting all up in his personal space, like he wants to eat the vamp’s weiner for lunch.

“So, Stefan, tell me.  What’s your sign?”

Then, Klaus stakes Stefan somewhere in the vicinity of his heart.  But, honestly, I feel like the gesture was more of a ploy to get the sexy ab-tastic vampire to lean into him, so Klaus could whisper sweet nothings in his ear. 

Klaus-y LIKE!

I mean, Joseph Morgan was literally WHISPERING CREEPILY the entire episode.  I don’t know how he did it for so long, without losing his voice entirely.  I mean, that’s impressive!

Now, it’s Katherine’s turn to kick up the energy a notch.  “He’s just trying to save his brother,” Katherine pleads, a look of concern in her eyes.  (Awww!  She might actually really CARE!  Who knew?)  But STEFAN, who’s still got a BIG FAT STAKE in his CHEST, seems unimpressed by Klaus’s bizarre S&M attempts to hit on him.  “Yeah, whatever, drag that stake around my innards.  I’ve been here before,” Stefan seems to be saying, “Just tell me how to save Damon.”

But then . . . Stefan utters three words that he will probably live to regret for the remainder of the Third Season, “I’ll . . . Do . . . Anything . .  .”

“Anything?”

Oh, Steffy, you are in TROUBLE NOW!

Speaking of trouble . . .

Team Bad Ass:  Reunited and it feels so . . . (Wait, what just happened?)

“Trap me in your house, and allow my girlfriend to die?  No biggie!  Turn my wife into a vampire?  That’s OK!  Call me, Elena, and try to compel me to KILL my favorite drinking buddy?  You are so going to PAY for that one, Damon!”

You know, with all the SERIOUS bonding we’ve experienced between Damon and Alaric during the course of the past two seasons, it’s easy to forget that these two guys HATED eachother, when they first met.  Actually . . . Alaric hated DAMON, for what Damon did to his wife.  And Damon . . . well . . . he didn’t really give two craps about Alaric . . .

But things have changed now.  And when Alaric comes to visit Damon at the Correctional Institution for Wayward Vampires, the bromantic chemistry between the two is palpable.  Having maintained a false sense of strength and bravado in front of Elena and Stefan, to protect their psyches, it’s ALARIC to whom Damon finally admits just how much pain he’s in.  “Do I look awful?  Because I feel ten times worse,” groans Damon.

In return for his honesty, Alaric rewards Damon with just what he needs, his Sunscreen Ring (a poignant reminder of Damon’s suicide attempt from earlier in the episode), and, of course, a shot of Bourbon.  Unfortunately, for Alaric, Damon still seems intent on dying.  And if he can’t do it by “meeting the sun,” he’s going to try to accomplish it another way.  First, he taunts Alaric, by playing the “Dead Girlfriend” card.

“You probably want to kill me.  It’s my fault Jenna is dead,” Damon offers.

Useless Aunt Jenna strikes again .  . .

“I don’t blame you for what happened to Jenna,” Alaric replies (But the pain in his eyes, tells a bit of a different story).

Damon then brings up Isobel, which affects Alaric even more.  But still, no Death Card for Damon.  “We are not drunk enough to be having this conversation,” suggests Alaric.  (Translation:  LET”S GET DRUNKER!)

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But Damon has more tricks up his sleeve.  He aggressively lunges at Alaric through the bars, hoping that it will anger Alaric enough to get a response.  It does, and Alaric grabs Damon by his neck, through the metal bars.  Desperate and in pain, Damon attempts to lock eyes with Alaric and compel his friend to kill him. 

Seeing Damon so weak, and so willing to die, is hard to watch for us fans.  So, it must be TORTURE for Alaric.  Plus, Alaric’s also a little pissed about the whole Compulsion / Suicide by Proxy thing.  So, we can’t really blame Alaric for stabbing Damon roughly in the shoulder with his pocket knife.

 “I wasn’t expecting THAT!”

“Screw YOU, Damon!” A hurt Alaric replies, as Damon groans and drops to the floor. 

Then something interesting happens.  We see Elena rushing toward La Casa de Rich and Awesome.  And, as if sensing her presence, Damon calls out her name.  “Elena’s not here, Damon,” Alaric replies to a prone on the floor Damon, who is desperately begging for blood.  Except SHE IS!


Lizard Forbes gets taken DOWN!  (BOOYAH!)  But lives to tell the tale.  (LAME!)

“Umm . . . do you have a search warrant, Missy?”

You know how vampires can’t enter a house, unless they’ve explicitly been invited inside?  Don’t you wish they had something like that to keep out annoying bumbling cops?  Damon does!  Seconds before Elena can open the front door to La Casa de Rich and Awesome, Lizard grabs her and pulls her aside.  She has ILLEGAL business to finish. 

So, Lizard and her NEW police boy (because Caroline ATE the old one) barge into Damon’s place, pass by Alaric in the cellar, and STUPIDLY lock themselves inside the room with the were-bitten Damon. 

Once, on the floor, and half dead, Damon is, suddenly, miraculously alive, well, and able to CRUSH LIZARD FORBES INTO THE WALL!

“Hi Liz,” Damon says, conversationally.

“Bye Liz,” I say . . . hopefully.

Then, because DUMB ASS KEYSTONE COP LIZARD OPENED THE DOOR TO HIS CELL, Were Rabies Damon escapes to find Elena, just as Were Rabies Rose escaped to . . . eat random people . . . in The Descent.  Alaric calls Jeremy hoping that he’s with Elena, and warning him to be on the lookout.  Of course, WE KNOW that Elena is RIGHT OUTSIDE THE HOUSE.

Concerned for the health of both his sister and Damon, Jeremy leaves the picnic (where, all of the sudden, it’s night time, and pitch dark outside?  When did that happen?) to go find them.  Bonnie . .  . being Bonnie . . . suggests that Jeremy just let Damon die and /or possibly hurt Elena in a were-rabies rage.  REALLY BONNIE?  After all Elena sacrificed to keep YOU alive?

“What . . . the . . . f*ck?”

So, of course, I was REALLY happy, when Jeremy finally grew some balls, and called Bonnie out for repeatedly trying to neuter him and keep him out of trouble.  She continues to do this, even though, despite her best efforts, Jeremy seems to keep ending up in danger ANYWAY, and his friends and family just keep on croaking.

“You TELL HER, Sexy Jer!”

Then again, considering what ends up happening to JEREMY next, Judgy, Boyfriend-Neutering Bonnie may have actually been right . . . THIS TIME.

“Gotta Love Mother Nature!”

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Oh, man!  Will you two just get a room already!  Just by watching you two on my television screen hitting on eachother like you are, I am at risk for pregnancy . . .

Interesting point of fact:  Klaus has been stalking Stefan for decades.  He’s taken a REAL interest in the younger Salvatore Brother.  Apparently, Stefan has sexual talents that Klaus finds erotic useful.  Apparently, at some point in 1917, Stefan MURDERED AN ENTIRE VILLAGE OF INNOCENT HUMANS, just because he COULD . . .

Well, Damon may not have killed an entire village, but he’s screwed an entire sorority!  And that’s gotta count for something!

Klaus’ “little anecdote” about Stefan’s past, actually raises a continuity issue for me.  Remember “Crying Wolf,” where Stefan told this story about how he was this Big Bad Vampire for like three days in 1864?  But then he found Lexi . ..  who taught him about the importance of LOVE . . .  so, he “went clean?”

Liar, liar, pants on fire!

Well . . . either LOVE and Lexi couldn’t keep Stefan from having a few bloodaholic relapses, between now, and present day, or the TVD writers up and changed their mind about how pervasive Dark Stefan was in the proverbial history books . . .  Either way, this is canon now. 

Bloodaholic Stefan is apparently Klaus’ HERO!  And Klaus would very much like Dark Stefan on Team Evil Were-Vamp.  (After all, the “death” of Elijah, has provided a recent opening for the position.)

Just to show he’s serious, Klaus WERE-BITES Katherine, and then feeds her his blood, promptly curing the werewolf bite, as if it was never there.  “You wanted a cure, there it is.  I’m your cure.  Gotta love Mother Nature,” Klaus coos, clearly impressed with himself.

That’s all well and good.  But, of course, the question is NOT what Klaus can do for you, Stefan, but what YOU can do for Klaus.

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Stefan Salvatore:  Sex Slave Extraordinaire

You SHOT JEREMY!  YOU LIZARD!

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“Nice one, Lizard!  Maybe you should have had MATT DONOVAN do your shooting for you!  At least HE knows how to use a gun!  Loser!”

(Wow .  . . Lizard made me so mad that she got me to say something sort of NICE about Matt . . . Weird.)

So Damon is wandering about Mystic Falls, hacking and coughing all over innocent bystanders.  (I hope were-rabies isn’t contagious!)  Jeremy finds him, and carries the poor sickly bastard to the Only Bar / Social Establishment in Mystic Falls.  (How appropriate!) Meanwhile, Elena confronts Lizard at the police station.  But the Lizard tries to keep Elena “safe” at the station, while she heads off to save the world from rabid vampires Jeremy.  So, Elena, who’s become SUPER KICK ASS this season, takes matters into her own hands. 

Free Elena!  (Public property be DAMNED!)

Things start happening pretty fast at this point.  Lizard rushes the bar, and sees Jeremy carrying a sickly Damon.  So Lizard, being the “careful” and “well trained” cop she is, just randomly fires out at the duo, as Damon rushes forward.  She hits JEREMY, and he falls to the floor!

Jeremy is wearing his RING OF IMMORTALITY, but it doesn’t work, because the b*tch who shot him is a sorry excuse for a  human!

Then Caroline and Bonnie rush forward.  And Caroline attempts to feed Jeremy her blood, which, if he was still partially alive, would make him a vampire, but at least keep him from final death.  But Jeremy doesn’t drink the blood, because he is already DEAD-DEAD!

But WAIT . . . here comes BONNIE and her NOSEBLEEDS! 

After convincing Lizard to let Alaric move Jeremy’s body out of the “crime scene,” (SERIOUSLY?  Now, is when she decides to be a stickler for the rules?)  Bonnie emotionally evokes the witchy spirits for the 80,00oth time this season.  They are tired hearing her yap.  And, maybe it’s just me, but I think they are out for revenge.  So, when Bonnie tells Emily, how much she LOOOOOOOOVES Jeremy and NEEEEDS him to be alive, Emily and the Team Witch grant her wish.  Jeremy gets to live . . .

Bonnie genuinely smiles and laughs for the first time . . . I think since the pilot episode.  She strokes Jeremy’s forehead, as he comes back to life, and for exactly two seconds I am Jonnie fan.

Tyler is pleased . . . (See Cherie, I make random Tyler references too!)

Oh, but before you get too excited, Jonnie fans . .  . There’s a catch. 😉

Shortly thereafter . . .

“Don’t hate me, because I’m a vampire.  I don’t hate YOU because you are an Evil Lizard!”

Lizard is relieved when Caroline informs her that Jeremy is not-so-much dead anymore.  (No thanks to LIZARD!)  Caroline finally comes clean to her mother, about the fact that she’s an out-and-proud vampire, but that doesn’t make her a bad person like her mother.  Caroline explains to Lizard, that she used to be afraid of her because the woman can’t SHOOT FOR SH*T.  And that’s why she compelled her to forget all those Supernatural Cliff Notes she gave her, a few episodes back. 

But Caroline isn’t afraid of Lizard anymore.  “And you shouldn’t be afraid of me either, Mom,” explains Caroline.  “I’m still your little girl.”

Lizard and Caroline share a good cry, and hug one another. 

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And I’m happy for Caroline that she doesn’t have to live in secret anymore, or worry that her mom is going to shoot her in her sleep.  (Though, let’s face it, if Lizard TRIED to shoot Caroline, she’d probably miss and end up shooting herself.  WIN!  WIN!)  But I can’t soften my stance on the woman who SHOT JEREMY, schemed against her own daughter, and tried to “sell her up the river,” because of a transformation that happened TO HER, one over which she, unlike Damon, had no control, or choice.  That’s just how I roll . . .

I guess, when it comes to Lizard Forbes, for me, anyway, old habits die hard.  Speaking of old habits . . .

“Thank you, sir!  May I have another!”

You KNOW a drink is tasty, when drinking it causes you to cross your eyes in ecstasy!

So, Klaus finally reveals his GRAND PLANS for Stefan: a life spent in servitude and wingman-dom.  But Klaus doesn’t want GOOD Stefan frolicking in the forest with him.  He’d much prefer Dark Stefan.  (Because, let’s face it, Dark Stefan is WAY sexier!) 

Initially, Stefan declines the offer.  But, because he really wants to save Damon, he ultimately relents.  I mean, how bad could it be drinking a teensy bit of blood?  After all, Stefan has built up a tolerance, right?

WRONG!  All of the sudden Alaric’s house, appropriately enough, becomes a BINGE DRINKING FRAT PARTY NIGHTMARE, with Klaus naughtily egging Stefan on, as he chugs, blood bag, after blood bag.  Stefan’s eyes  aregetting shiftier and shiftier, as the drinks keep on coming.  You can almost feel Good Stefan slipping away, and Dark Stefan taking his place.  After all, we all know what happened the LAST time Stefan went on a bender like this . . .

Once Stefan has satisfied Klaus’ Fraternity Hazing Ritual, and has agreed to follow the Original Douche into EVIL ETERNITY, Klaus relents and gives up a vial of his blood to cure Damon.  The catch?  He gives it to KATHERINE, who he finally frees from the captivity of Alaric’s house to dispense the cure.  The problem of course, is that there is no guarantee that Katherine will get there in time, or, if left to her own devices, she will get there AT ALL . . .

Will Damon end up regretting these words?

Damon Salvatore might not be the only person who wishes he had bitten his tongue.  (Or, at least, attached a headset to his computer, before Skyping with his girlfriend).

“And the Day after that . .  . And the Day after that . . .”

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So . . . remember back during the first Season, when Jeremy used to do emo, Bella Swan-esque, things, like look up “vampires” on the internet?

“I want to find out about vampires, and all I get are badly photoshopped naked pictures of Robert Pattinson.  What gives, man?”

Do you also remember that AWFULLY cheesy scene at the end of “The Last Dance,” where Jeremy brought his computer down to Bonnie’s fake grave,so that she and Elena could Skype?  Well, today, TVD brilliantly decided to self-reference it’s own cheesiness TWICE in one single scene, by (1) having Jeremy do a Bing search for, cleverly enough “back from the dead.”  While he is doing THIS (2) Bonnie interrupts him on Skype to ask him “How he’s feeling?”

“I feel like I’ve been shot in the chest by a Lizard, and brought back to life, by a vampire, an alcoholic and a witch.  But, other than that, just peachy!”

Jeremy, never one for big speeches, can’t express enough gratitude to his girlfriend for giving up so many pints of snot and noseblood on his behalf.  “Oh, that’s OK,” coos Bonnie, in a very un-Bonnielike way.  “You can thank me tomorrow . . . and the day after that . . . and the day after that . . .”

Then Alaric magically appears, with a little smirk on his face, that only Alaric can make.  He’s planning to go home, but something (like the fact that Jeremy is a MINOR, who is constantly getting KILLED and beaten up) convinces him to stick around.  Marble Mouth Jeremy doesn’t know how to thank ALARIC for being his new Drunken, but still awesome, Dad either.  “That’s OK,” Alaric coos, hilariously.  “You can thank me tomorrow .  . and the day after that .  . . and the day after that.”

I love how Alaric came back to the door, to give Jeremy one final “and the day after that,” even AFTER Jeremy threw a pillow at his head.  Now, that’s a Fun Daddy!  Happy Early Father’s Day, Alaric!

But Alaric’s not only going to have to assume a parental role over Jeremy.  There is also Elena to consider.  And ELENA might be in a bit of trouble . . . HEART trouble that is! 😉

Elena Rescues Damon . . . and his LIPS!

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There are no words to describe how happy this image makes me!

We see Elena rushing out into the Mystic Falls movie-watching crowd, when she hears a voice behind her.  It’s Damon.  He calls out to her.  And she grabs a hold of him, fully prepared to hide him from the Lizard she assumes is still on his warpath .  . .

The problem is that Damon is losing his grip on reality.  As a result, he is remembering the day he made the choice he would spend an eternity regretting.  This, of course, was the day he decided to drink Katherine’s blood.  This way, when he died, he could become a vampire and (so he thought) be with her forever.

Immortality, here I come!

Though Damon had always assured Stefan that, unlike with HIM, Katherine NEVER compelled Damon, there was always a part of the fan contingency, who inferred that, because we had SEEN Katherine compel Damon at least once, that she had sneakily fed him blood as well.  But this was not the case.  In fact, Katherine explicitly required that Damon make the CHOICE to become a vampire.  “If you want my blood, you have to take it,” she said, seductively pointing at her neck.

Meanwhile, back in the REAL WORLD, THIS is happening . . .

“You don’t have to do this, Damon!”  Elena yelps, helplessly, as a delirious Damon clutches her shoulders and learns toward her neck.

It is almost as if Elena is speaking to 1864 Damon, and forcing him to take responsibility for his actions, all those years ago.  But Damon is too far gone to realize what is happening.  At this point, he doesn’t see Elena at all . . . only Katherine.  “I choose YOU, Katherine,” Damon says, eerily echoing the words he said to Elena, back in “The Last Dance.”

And then, he leans forward and BITES ELENA, just as he bit Katherine in the past.  The minute that blood hit Damon’s system, back in 1864, his fate was already sealed.  It’s Elena’s cries of anguish that ultimately bring Damon back to himself.

Realizing what he has done to the woman he loves, causes Damon so much internal pain, that he falls to the ground in anguish.  Still clutching her now-bloody neck, Elena helps Damon up and carries him back to La Casa de Rich and Awesome, just as he did for HER last week .  . .

Back in Damon’s bedroom . . . (We always end up back there, don’t we? ;)), Elena comforts Damon during what she believes will be the last moments of his life, just as Damon comforted Rose during HERS.  Damon tells Elena that he recognizes that the choices he made during his life, have brought him to this moment in bed, being cuddled by Elena!!!.  He realizes that it was HIS OWN choices that led to him becoming a vampire, and “going bad” for a period of time.  Katherine didn’t do this to him, nor did Stefan.  

Damon looks up at Elena with wide innocent eyes, and tells her to tell Stefan he is sorry.  Elena doesn’t mince words with Damon, by telling him that he can apologize to Stefan in person, because he is going to live.  She just tearfully nods, and hugs Damon ever closer to her, stroking his head calmingly, as he slowly slips out of consciousness.

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But of course, of all of the Delena exchanges that came out of this episode, it was THIS ONE, in which Damon FINALLY told Elena that he loved her AGAIN, and DID NOT COMPEL HER TO FORGET IT, that made me squeal like the crazy fangirl I am.

Two things I’ve been waiting to see ALL SEASON, and they BOTH happened in this one exchange!  (Number 1) I’ve always wanted to hear Elena tell Damon, that she loves and accepts him for exactly who he is . . . flaws and all.  In all the time Elena has known Damon, she has NEVER admitted this to him.  Always, Elena told Damon that he had “goodness” in him, that he wasn’t showing . . . that he “didn’t have to be this way” .  .  and that he should, “be the better man.” 

But when push came to shove, and Damon suggested that she would like him better in 1864, back when he was more like Stefan, she explicitly denied that this was the case.  “I like you just the way you are,” she told him.

Hear THAT?  She LOOOOOOVEEEEESSS likes him JUST THE WAY HE IS!  Awww yeah! 

And I think it was that admission on Elena’s part that finally gave Damon the courage to admit that he loved her.  (And THERE’S NUMBER 2!)  Just like his first admission, this one was completely unselfish.  Damon wasn’t trying to get Elena to STOP loving Stefan, or to NOT choose Stefan.  He merely felt that Elena had the right to know that someone she cared deeply about loved her more than life itself. 

So, of course, that prompted Elena to PLANT A NICE WET KISS ON DAMON’S SEXY WET LIPS!

This was the REAL DEAL . . . the Delena kiss we’ve been waiting for ever since the FAKE one that Katherine, posing as Elena, planted on Damon, in the final moments of the Season 1 Finale.  And a lot of naysayers called it a Pity Kiss.  But I call them WRONG! 

You know how I KNOW it wasn’t a pity kiss?  Because Damon was UNCONSCIOUS, when she started it!  Yes, boys and girls, Elena wanted to kiss Damon, EVEN IF HE WASN’T AWAKE FOR IT!  Such are her feelings of tenderness toward this vampire. 

Of course, Damon DID awaken during that kiss.  And he accepted it with a slight, but sweet, pucker of his own lips, and a smile on his face.  “Thank you,” Damon said to Elena, perhaps, wondering himself, whether this was a Pity Kiss.  But we, of course,  know better.  😉

And, as it turns out, so does Katherine, who arrived at just that moment with the WERE-BITE CURE!

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Elena — who looks a bit nonplussed at being caught in such a compromising position by Katherine, of all people — moves quickly from the bed, to let her Doppelganger to “her thang.”  (Note:  Elena is also probably wondering who actually invited Katherine IN to the house.  After all, it’s changed ownership, since Katherine last resided there.  No matter.  What’s a little continuity amongst hot friends?  Right?)

The fact that Katherine came to “rescue” Damon, of her own free will, does not go unnoticed by Damon.  “You got free .  . . and you still came,” remarks the vampire, as he gratefully sips Klaus’ blood.

“I owed you one,” replied Katherine. 

But Katherine’s not exactly a Gal of Honor.  So, we have to figure she actually cared enough about Damon’s life to rescue him.  Who knows?  Maybe there’s a little soul in that gal yet?

Speaking of souls?  Elena’s wondering about Stefan’s.  Kat showed herself to be a Delena fan at heart when she uttered, THIS classic line . . .

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Just as Alaric DIDN’T miss that cheeseball Skype exchange between Jeremy and Bonnie, Katherine CLEARLY did not miss the intense looks shared by Damon and Elena on Damon’s BED, when she arrived.  Katherine fills Damon and Elena in on Stefan’s deal with Klaus, making sure to add insult to injury, by telling Elena, “He sacrificed everything to save his brother . . . even you.”

Ever the hopeful one, Elena texts Stefan to tell him that Damon is OK.  But Stefan is occupied by his Homoerotic Chugging Olympics with Klaus, and is nonresponsive.  “At least you have Damon, now,” Kat notes.  (TRUE!  THAT’S TRUE!  THANKS KAT!  YOU”RE THE BEST DELENA FAN EVER!)

But Kat’s not done spreading “joy” and advice to Elena .  . .

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Astute TVD fans will recall that THIS was the line that ROSE was supposed to utter to Elena, back when SHE was dying of Were Rabies during “The Descent.”  At the time, us Delena fans were ANNOYED that this excellent line was removed from the script.  Of course, now that I think about it, it makes A LOT more sense coming from Katherine.  Good CHOICE, TVD WRITERS!

Delena Happiness aside, Damon and Elena look EXTREMELY CONCERNED for Stefan’s well being after Katherine exits the bedroom stage left.  And, as it turns out, they have good reason to be frightened for his SOUL . . .

History Repeating

I wonder if Elijah needed a mortitian, or if his suit came perfectly pressed, and hair perfectly coiffed from the floor to the grave . . Knowing Elijah, I suspect the latter.

After Klaus creepily instructs one of his minions to store Elijah “with the OTHERS,” he turns his attention back to his Super Man Crush Stefan.  It seems Stefan is DONE with Mystic Falls, and wants to get this whole Eternity as Klaus’ Sex Slave thing over with.  But there’s one problem, Stefan while significantly DARKER than he was about 10 blood bags ago, is not DARK ENOUGH for Klaus’ taste.  For that, Stefan needs to consume HUMAN BLOOD . .  . RIGHT FROM THE HUMAN.

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In a move that is OBVIOUSLY meant to be symbolic of the moment when Stefan ultimately enticed Damon to drink human blood, thereby completing his vampire transition (Stalker much, Klaus?), Klaus offers Stefan a HUMAN SACRIFICE of sorts, symbolizing his completion of the transition from Good Stefan to Dark Stefan.  (Of course, it’s female.  The only male Klaus wants Stefan to bite is KLAUS, if you catch my drift.) 

Unable to resist any longer, Stefan willingly accepts the Sacrifice, and bites into her, as if she’s a yummy piece of chocolate.  The chewing sounds he makes when he does this, are, admittedly pretty gross.  (Hasn’t anybody ever taught you to chew human’s with your mouth closed Stefan?)  The scene ends with Stefan and Klaus hungrily eye f*&king as only two Bad Ass Vampires of Questionable Sexual Preference can . ..

Speaking of the promise of FUTURE SEXUAL ACTIVITY . . .

Jeremy Sees Dead People . . . and Immediately Wants to Sex with Them

Steven R. McQueen:  “Best . . . future storyline . . . EVER!”

Remember when I told you that there was a CATCH for Bonnie to be able to bring Jeremy back from the dead.  Well . .  . here it comes . . . In a moment that EITHER harkens back to that AWESOME Bruce Willis / Haley Joe Osment movie, “The Sixth Sense” . . .

“I see dead hot chicks.”

 . . . or that AWFUL Matt McMconauhey Movie, “Ghosts of Girlfriends’ Past” . . .

 . .  . Jeremy senses EYES on him, while he’s sleeping, and tiptoes downstairs to investigate.  Creepily enough, us viewers notice that he is being FOLLOWED . . .

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I’ll admit this scene made me jump.  And, of course, WHO COULD HAVE POSSIBLY expected the Season 2 finale of TVD to truly end with Jeremy confronted on ONE SIDE, by his Dead Vampire Girlfriend Anna, and on the OTHER SIDE, his OTHER Dead Vampire Girlfriend Vicki?  We can suspect that their presence was brought on by Bonnie’s spell.  Namely, to get Bonnie back for overusing their powers, the witches decided to test Bonnie’s LOVE for Jeremy, by bringing back his FIRST two loves. 

The question though . . . is what ARE THEY?   Are they ghosts?  Humans, brought back from the dead, like Jeremy?  Vampires?  Zombie?  Hallucinations?  Of course, whatever they are, the possibilities for these fan favorite characters’ return are ENDLESS.  For example,  will we get to see more Jeremy and Anna hand-gasming, for example?

Or (all fingers crossed) another Damon/ Vicki Dance?

Something tells me that Elena is not going to let this one happen again.  And, as much as I LOVE this scene, I love Delena MORE!

And what about BONNIE?  What is she going to say about this tomorrow . . . and the day after that .  . . and the day after that . . .

Die, VAMPIRE BOYFRIEND STEALING ZOMBIES!

I suspect we will all have to wait until September to find out the answer to these BURNING questions.  If I SURVIVE that long!  A world without TVD is not a world I want to live in, that’s for sure!

I need a HUG, fellow fangirls and fanboys!

P.S.  Hi gang!  You may notice that the bottom of this post says, Comments are Closed.  I didn’t do this.  And I’m not sure how it happened.  But it’s not intentional, I promise you!  If you’d like to comment, before I get this issue fixed, please feel free to leave your comment on the blog entry following this one, relating to the TVD finale liveblog.   I will definitely respond to you, from there.  Sorry for any inconvenice or confusion this may have caused you! 😦

[www.juliekushner.com] [Fangirls Forever]

Comments Off on Love Means Never Having to Say, “I Drank Your Blood” – A Recap of The Vampire Diaries’ Season 2 Finale “As I Lay Dying”

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The Vampire Diaries Season 2 Finale – We are Liveblogging It!

ELENA:  “Damon, those girls are watching us again . . .”

DAMON: “Just pretend you don’t see them.   Maybe they will take the hint, and GO AWAY . .  .”

ELENA: “Hmmmm . . . try taking off your shirt.”

DAMON:  “Elena!  What makes you think my taking off my shirt will make them GO AWAY?”

ELENA:  “It probably won’t.  I’d just really like for you to take off your shirt . . .”

DAMON:  *grumbles*  “Fine!”

DAMON:  “Are you happy, now?”

The last time my pals (Amy, over at Imaginary Men, and Cherie, over at My Spidey Sense is Tingling) and I live blogged The Vampire Diaries was during the twelfth episode of Season 2, entitled “The Descent.”  If you recall, THAT was the episode in which that MAN STEALER, Vampire Rose, got Were-Rabies, and wandered around the entire hour, looking like THIS . . .

. . . and like THIS . . .

. . . and, occasionally, like THIS . . .

So, it’s probably fitting that our NEXT Live Blog installment should cover “As I Lay Dying,” the episode in which DAMON gets Were-Rabies . . .

The obvious difference, of course, is that while I HATED Rose with a passion, I LOVE my Damon Salvatore to pieces!  So, this, undoubtedly, will be a very difficult time for me . . .

And yet, like Damon Salvatore, I prefer to cover up my sadness and fear with a healthy a dose of snark . . .

.  . . some laughter . . .

Happiness is a warm (and dancing) Delena . . .

. . .  and, hopefully, a whole boatload of NAKED . . .

 

 

(Well . . .  not MY NAKED, of course . . . but HIS NAKED!)

All things considered, I actually think this upcoming Live Blog will be the PERFECT medicine for what ails me.  Don’t you?

What’s a LiveBlog, you ask?  Well, it’s kind of like a chat room where you can talk (well, more accurately, “type”) about “As I Lay Dying” with other fabulous fangirls (and boys), like yourself, while the show is airing.  Or, if you’re shy, just read along.  And let US do the work for you!

  In addition to covering the play-by-play of the episode, and repeatedly cooing over the hotness of the show’s cast  (Comments like “OMG!  HE IS SO GORGEOUS!” are, of course, inevitable, in these types of forums, and TOTALLY welcome!), Amy, Cherie and I will also be regaling you with screenshots from the episode, hot photos of the cast, and fun live polls, in which can take part. 

TYLER: *reads*  “Who’s the hottest character on The Vampire Diaries?  I’m going to go with choice “C,” Tyler!”

CAROLINE:  “Hmmmm . . . what are the other choices?”

TYLER:  “Hey!  Don’t make me BITE YOU!”

Of course, if you miss the LiveBlog, and want to check it out after the episode airs, you can do that too!  Here’s an example of a LiveBlog we did back in January, for the show’s mid-season premiere.

(Oh, and just a quick note, because we had some confusion last year.  A LiveBlog is not the same thing as a LiveStream.  Unfortunately, the technology we have available to us from CoverItLive does not allow us to stream the episode to other viewers, over the internet.  It provides ”chat” services only.  There are a number of other websites that will stream the episode for you, of course.  However, us fangirls don’t have the resources – or the necessary legal approval – to offer you that particular service.  Sorry, in advance!)

So, if you are up for celebrating The Vampire Diaries’ Season 2 Finale with a bunch of crazy fangirl bloggers, who share a love of  both snarky commentary and shirtless vampires . . .

CLICK HERE at 8 p.m. on Thursday, May 12th! 

Until then, feel free to watch (and rewatch, and rewatch . . .) this extended preview for the Season 2 Finale of The Vampire Diaries . . .

. . . and here’s a Super Secret and Very Sexy Webclip from the episode, (Hot Captive Damon, anyone?)

See you soon, My Fellow Fangbangers!

[www.juliekushner.com][Fangirls Forever]

 

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Filed under Live Blogging Event, The Vampire Diaries

Watch out for those mood swings! – A Recap of The Vampire Diaries’ “The Descent”

Nice knowing ya, Rosie!  Well . . . actually . . . it wasn’t all that nice.   But to rank on the dead is just in poor taste.  Don’t ya think?

Welcome back, fellow Fangbangers!  How excited are you to have TVD back on your weekly TV viewing schedule?  Because I’m positively THRILLED!

Tonight’s mid-season premiere episode DEFINITELY did not disappoint!  The entire hour was JAM PACKED with massive makeout sessions (there were THREE!), major betrayals (Who’d have thought Jules would end up being a scarier super villain than Old Vampire Elijah?), suspense, oodles of sexual tension, and LOTS of dead bodies (I think this may have been the bloodiest episode in TVD history!). 

But perhaps, most importantly, this episode showcased the PHENOMENON that is Ian Somerhalder.  Damon Salvatore broke my heart, and RIPPED IT OUT, many times over, throughout this episode.  And his final scene positively stopped my heart.

Would someone PLEASE give this man an Emmy?  PLEASE!

So, what are we waiting for?  Let’s RIP into this recap.  Shall we?

(By the way, Katherine was no where to be found, anywhere in the episode.  Bonnie and Jeremy were missing too, for that matter.  Very strange . . .)

Worst Camping Trip EVER!

Question:  Which TVD character would you most want to go on a camping trip with?  Answer:  Not JULES! 

The episode begins with Jules waking up stark naked in the forest.  “Well THAT sounds like a FUN Camping Trip,” you say!  Ummm . . . yeah, but not when you wake up naked next to a HEAPING PILE OF GROSS DEAD BODIES AND DISMEMBERED LIMBS!

Realizing that her werewolf self must have REALLY gone off her diet last night (Campers are SO fattening!), Jules begins the process of torching the place, to destroy all evidence of her binge.  But when a park ranger arrives on the scene, Jules knows she has to think fast.  So she rushes into the bloody tent and starts fake crying about how “A Werewolf ate all my friends!  Boo HOO HOO  Wahhhh!”

Helpful Mr. Park Ranger decides to help “Poor Defenseless Jules” by “calling in the accident [to the local police].”  BAD MOVE!  Within a second, Jules has wacked Ranger Rick to death, with some nearby wood . . . and NOT in a good way.  See what I mean about this episode being a BLOODBATH?  We haven’t even SEEN the opening title card yet, and already there are approximately five dead bodies (4 campers, and one now-headless ranger).

(Something tells me there’s going to be some HEAVY competition for the Senseless Death Award tonight!)

Stefan rewards fans for surviving the hiatus, by taking off his shirt . . .

So, BEFORE the title card, we get LOTS of death and destruction, and within 30-seconds after it, we get a HALF-NAKED Salvatore!  You’ve gotta hand it to those TVD writers!  They sure know how to give us girls what we want!  Elena is greeted by Shirtless Stefan in his bedroom at La Casa de Rich and Awesome.  And, because she cares deeply about us fans and our SUPREME case of Vampire Love Deprivation, she takes FULL advantage of the situation, by pulling him in for a sexy kiss.  (Wouldn’t you?)

Now, if this was DAMON, said kiss would be IMMEDIATELY followed by a raunchy sex scene of EPIC PROPORTIONS.  But this is the “Sensible Vampire Brother.”  And so Stefan decides he and Elena should “talk” instead.  “I’m going to totally ruin the mood, aren’t I?”  Stefan notes wisely, as he PUTS HIS SHIRT BACK ON.

Mood = Ruined

In typical Sensible Stefan fashion, he would like talk to Elena about her Bad Life Decisions.  Specifically, Stefan is concerned about the Bad Life Decision, that caused Elena to “get in bed” with Elijah (See what I did there?), in order to, presumably, save the rest of the Scooby Gang from suffering Death by Santa Klaus . . .

Elena wryly notes all the times STEFAN has put HIS life in danger, to save her.  Speaking of putting one’s life in danger, it appears that both Elena and Stefan have been taking daily shots of vervain together, which is not nearly as fun as “shots of tequila” . . .

The purpose of this exercise is two-fold.  First, they want to provide Elena protection from ALL the evil vampires that will inevitably try to kill her throughout the rest of the season. Second, they want Stefan to build up a vervain tolerance, a la Vampire Katherine.  Speaking of Vampire Katherine, Elena is postively THRILLED that her doppelganger is still locked away in that tomb.  However, she can’t, for the life of her, understand how Elijah was able to COMPEL her to stay there . . . her being . . . you know . . . a blood sucker and all.

Recalling his “conversation” with Vampire Katherine from the previous episode . . .

I wish my “conversations” went more like this . . .

 . . . Stefan notes that Elena’s Bad Mommy Isobel would be the best person to provide Stefan with the Cliff Notes version of the Original Vampires  for Dummies Handbook.

“Remember ME, b*tches?”

Elena HATES the idea of Stefan getting involved with her Mommy Dearest.  And yet, since she’s “in bed” with Elijah, she really doesn’t have the right to complain about who Stefan chooses to “hang out with,” now does she?

Tell Me Lies.  Tell Me Sweet Little Lies.

 

You know how, when you ask your boyfriend if “these pants make you look fat,” you’re really asking him to lie through his teeth, to make you feel better?  Well, apparently, the same goes for vampires Gnarly Grotesque Werewolf Bites.  When we first reunite with Damon, after a TOO LONG HIATUS . . .

Man, I LOVE this GIF!

 . . . he is playing Doctor Feel Good to an increasingly weepy Man Stealer Rose, who is waxing poetic about her LONG, LONG, LONG, LONG life.  Clearly feeling generous with his compliments, Damon compares Rose to a fine wine, which, if you think about it, is really just a nice way of saying you’re an Old Hag.  When Rose notes that perhaps her time has come to die (Oh, it HAS, honey!  It definitely has!), Damon chastizes her for being a Negative Nelly.  “If you are going to keep being maudlin, I’ll kill you myself, just to put ME out of your misery.”  (Foreshadowing much?)

Doctor Damon then prescribes Rose some tasty vampire blood.  (“Drink a cup of this, and call me in the morning.”)  Rose announces that she thinks the blood is helping her back wound.  But when Damon goes to investigate, it looks like TOTAL CRAP! 

“That is one SERIOUSLY UGLY back!”

And yet, having 140 plus years of practice at being the boyfriend of COUNTLESS girls (and then eating them, of course), Damon knows well enough that Rose wants him to lie through her teeth.  “It looks better!”  He fibs.  “And for the record, those pants don’t make you look fat AT ALL!”

Enter Elena . . . Damon wants HER to lie about Rose’s gnarly back too!

“Oh that sh*t is just GROSS!  That’s what you get for screwing with My Man, HO!”

Elena has come to ask Damon to talk Stefan OUT of contacting Isobel, because she thinks Elijah won’t like it.  Apparently, at some point, during the hiatus, Elena has become Elijah’s b*tch, in more ways than one.  But Damon AGREES with Stefan about getting help from Isobel.  (Hmmmm .  . . I wonder why!)

So, Damon’s not going to help Elena.  But he wants Elena to help HIM, by playing nursemaid to Brokeback Rose, while he heads out on the town.  “Elena is a do-gooder.  It’s in her nature.  She can’t resist,” remarks Damon.  (Awww!  He so luuuuuuuuves her!)

Before Damon can leave, however, Elena pulls him aside.  She wants him to talk about his FEELINGS because she luuuuuves him.  You see, Elena understands Damon, and knows that he’s affected by Rose’s upcoming demise.  Damon, however, isn’t quite ready to let Elena into his screwed up psyche again, not after what happened that LAST time . . .

“I luuuuve you.  It’s just too bad you can’t remember that.  Because we could have really great sex, if you did.”

“Death happens.  The sooner she dies, the better,” explains Damon.  (Awwww, Damon!  I agree.  But we all know you don’t really feel that way about your F*ck Buddy!  And the sooner you accept those feelings, the better!)

But Damon’s right.  All this death stuff is getting kind of maudlin.  It’s time for a change of scenery.  Don’t you think?

 It’s Barbecue Time!

Given that the first 10 minutes of the episode feature a series of dismembered bodies going up in flames, and a gross-out shot of Rose’s charred and bitten back, I’d say the fact that Mystic Falls’ Event of the Week is a Barbecue is a wee bit inappropriate.  Don’t you?

No matter though.  Everything is all rainbows and cute puppies, when Caroline runs into Tyler (who is looking positively adorable in his football uniform, by the way) for the first time since, well  . . . THIS . . .

Caroline, ever the cheerleader, is all peppy and friendly, as she congratulates Tyler on a a job well done, during Baby’s First Were Transformation.  “Last night was a victory. Let’s take it!”  Caroline exclaims.  “So, what do you say we have a little Victory Party in your bed?”

Tyler, though slightly “sore” from the previous night’s adventures (hint, hint, wink, wink) clearly feels a lot of gratitude toward Caroline for helping him through this difficult time, and tells her as much.  “I don’t know what I would have done if you hadn’t been there,” he remarks.

Though their dialogue may seem benign enough, the whole scene is just CHARGED with delicious sexual tension.  Caroline keeps tilting her head to the side flirtatiously, blinking compulsively, grinning from ear to ear, and giggling like a school girl.  She also can’t stop staring at Tyler’s mouth. 

Can you blame her?

For his part, Tyler is looking at Caroline adoringly, his head cocked toward her, like she’s the most beautiful Baby Vamp in the world.  And he’s SMILING!  Tyler NEVER SMILES!  It’s enough to make me want to run through the television screen, rip off both of their clothes, and tell the two of them to JUST DO IT ALREADY!

So, it’s kind of depressing that Caroline has to ruin the mood, by telling Tyler that he sort of, kind of, almost killed her last night.  “It’s no big deal, really.  But . . . one bite, and it’s curtains for me,” Caroline notes nonchalantly.

Tyler wisely inquires as to how Caroline knew about the Legend of the Were Bite.  But Caroline demurs, asserting that she must have “read it somewhere.”  (Werewolf Bites for Dummies, perhaps?)  Unfortunately, before Tyler can piece together the extent of the sacrifice Caroline made for him, Matt arrives and cock blocks him .  . .

Caroline immediately starts babbling about how “there’s nothing between [her] and Tyler.”  And, you know what?   Me thinks thou protest WAYYYY too much!  But Matt doesn’t notice, of course.  Because Matt doesn’t really notice ANYTHING .  . . ever.

To prove this, he starts telling Caroline what a sublimely HONEST person she is, and how refreshing it is that she never keeps anything from him. 

Yeah, Caroline.  It was pretty hilarious, wasn’t it?

Matt then tells her, he’s not happy about the “way things are between them.”  (You mean because she’s in love with your best friend, Matt?)  To prove, just how NOT happy Matt is, he plants a long wet one on Caroline.  It was the third hottest kiss of the evening.  #2 went to Stefan and Elena, from earlier in the episode.  Number 1 is on it’s way . . . (How’s that for subtle foreshadowing? ;))

And how does Caroline respond to said kiss?  Well, she runs away, of course.  You see Matt? Werewolf Tyler tried to literally bite her head off in a dungeon, and she STAYED.  You made out with her for five seconds, and she LEFT.  That should probably tell you something. . . .

 Doing Damon’s Dirty Work (Sounds Kinky!)

So, Team Bad Ass is back!

Well . . . sort of.  I love how Alaric went from being Damon’s mortal enemy, to Damon’s ass-kicking buddy, to Damon’s b*tch in a matter of half a season.  We see Mr. Chunky Monkey himself . . .

 . . . lounging at the Only Bar / Social Establishment in Mystic Falls . . . again.  (See, that’s one thing Damon and Alaric will always have in common, Alcoholism.)  Alaric’s mission, should he choose to accept it, is to call Damon, when Evil Werewolf Jules arrives back at the bar.  And arrive she has!  Stefan has also arrived at the bar.  And though he chastizes Alaric for getting Dirty with Damon doing Damon’s dirty work, he too has a favor to ask the Scooby Gang Errand boy.  Specifically, he wants Isobel’s digits.

The Awkward Moment when the boyfriend of your Slutty Vampire Ex’s kid asks for your Ex’s number, so the two of them can hook up.

Alaric honestly doesn’t seem all that keen on Stefan contacting Isobel.  But, being the good Errand Boy he is, he promises to text Stefan with Isobel’s updated contact information, once he is able to track it down.

Rose Goes Batsh*t Crazy – Take 1

Bed head and pasty face . . . NOT a good look for you, Rose.

Meanwhile, back at La Casa de Rich and Awesome, things are getting hot and heavy between Nurse Elena and bed-ridden Rose.  For starters, they are hanging out in the Very Special Place where EVERY TVD viewer wants to be . . . DAMON’S BEDROOM!

Rose makes me like her a little more (a VERY little bit, mind you) when she forces Elena to admit that she’s massively turned on by being in Damon’s bedroom, and shocked that it’s not quite the Love Shack she expected it to be.  Elena was secretly hoping that Damon invested in silk sheets (MUCH better for screwing!).  No matter though, Elena.  I strongly suspect that Damon will BURN his bedsheets, now that Rose and her cooties have been in them.  His next pair will DEFINITELY be silk, for YOU.

Rose also forces Elena to see how lucky she is that two hot vampires LOVE her.  (Thank you Captain Obvious!)  She then chastizes her new Nurse for getting involved with Elijah, and risking her precious human life.  “You really are determined to die, aren’t you?  Rose inquires.  (Woah, Rosie’s on a roll!)

But then, suddenly Rose gets all loopy, and starts mumbling about the horses.  Next thing you know, she’s choking on blood, and spitting up.  So, Elena rushes to get her glass of water.  But when she returns, the Man Stealer is gone!

OK . .. I spoke too soon.  She’s not gone.  She’s just behind Elena, looking LIKE A CRAZED LUNATIC!

Rose pushes Elena up against a wall, and starts rambling on about how this is all HER fault.  Elena holds her ground, forcefully reminding Rose that she is ELENA, not Katherine.  Eventually, Rose snaps out of it, and starts blubbering about how sorry she is for trying to MURDER Elena, after having just told the poor girl not to risk her life.  “Don’t be scared of me!”  Rose insists, as she heads back to bed.  (Worst . . . advice . . . ever!)

Back at the Only Bar / Social Establishment in Mystic Falls . . .

Salvatore Brothers Unite / Damon and Jules engage in a pissing contest

While he is waiting for his hot older brother Stefan gets a text from Alaric, including Isobel’s new number.  He rings her up, and leaves her a message.

“Yo Izzie!  It’s me, Stef!  Heeyyyyy!  We should totally meet up!  Drink some bunnies, talk about how we can control Elena’s life — it will be just like old times!”

When Damon arrives, all smouldering and angry, and sexy, Stefan tries to calm him down long enough to talk about his “feelings” regarding Rose’s probable demise.  (Am I the only one noticing a pattern here?)   “I’m FINE!”  Damon exclaims, which, by the way, is the Official Motto of the NOT Fine.

Stefan kindly reminds Pissy Damon that the Only Bar / Social Establishment in Mystic Falls is unusually crowded today.  (Doesn’t anybody work or go to school in this town?)  So, ripping Werewolf Jules’ spleen out of her throat here would probably be ill advised.  (But A LOT OF FUN!)  Damon then confronts Jules, and asks for a Werewolf Bite Cure, in exchange for her getting to keep her spleen.  It’s not much of a bargain really, and Jules tells him as much.

“Spleens aren’t essential organs, anyway.  So there!”

Jules tells Damon that the only way to “cure” Rapid Vampire Zombie Rose is to drive her stake through her heart, which we all pretty much already knew.  She then tells Damon to bite her, before stalking out like the Evil People Eater she is.

“You want me to bite you, Jules?  Well, that can be arranged . . .”

Meanwhile, back at La Casa de Rich and Awesome . . .

Rose Goes Batshit Crazy – Take 2

Someone get this chick a bib . . . and a muzzle!

Elena has kindly brought Rose some fresh bed sheets.  (I bet they aren’t silk though!)  However, when she returns to Damon’s bedroom . . . SURPRISE . . . Rose is gone again!  (Honestly, I’m not sure why they didn’t chain that b*tch to the bed, the first time.)  Unfortunately, Elena doesn’t have Evil Zombie Vampire GPS, so she tries the next best thing.  She calls Damon. 

 “Get the f*&k home you, Bloodsucking Bastard!  Your Lunatic Screw Toy is TRYING TO KILL ME!”

Elena finds Rose stuffing her face with Damon’s and Stefan’s soccer mom blood stash.  When Elena confronts Rose, she GOES NUTS!  (Must be a Closet Eater!)  Looking bloody, gross and nauseating, Decrepit Zombie Rose chases Elena through the house.  And suddenly, this has gone from The Vampire Diaries to Dawn of the Dead 2: Electric Boogalo0.  When Elena opened her curtains and let the Sunscreen Ring-free Rose’s skin get burned by the sun, I CHEERED FOR JOY!  (She deserved it, dammit!)

But then, Elena DUG HER NAILS in Rose’s gross werewolf wound!  And, I must admit, I threw up in my mouth a little bit. 

Elena then wisely holes herself up in Damon’s study.  Dimwitted Rose never seemed like much of a reader.  So, Elena feels safe there.  Through the door, Rose starts apologizing to Elena, and telling her she “won’t try to kill her again.  She promises.”  (Yeah, Elena!  And if you believe that I have a Statue of Liberty I’d like to sell you for real cheap!)

Fear not, though.  Because Elena is smarter than I sometimes give her credit for.  And she doesn’t trust that Rapid Zombie Vamp for a second!

When Elena finally finds the courage to leave the study, armed with a stake, she runs into Damon.  “Where’s Rose?”  He inquires, clearly concerned.

“Why, she’s at the Mystic Falls barbecue, gnawing on a janitor, of course,” replies Elena. . .(or, at least, that’s what she WOULD reply, if she actually KNEW what Rose was doing).

Civil Service is a MIGHTY dangerous occupation in Mystic Falls.   Random Janitor guy, this award’s for you!

Matt Donovan, “You Can’t HANDLE the TRUTH!”

Also at the barbecue, is a decidedly less Bloody Matt, who wants to know why Caroline ran away from his tongue kisses, and what exactly she’s hiding from him. 

“Watch this, Matt!  Maybe it will help!”

A tearful Caroline tells Matt that she loves him, which, if you didn’t know she was a vampire, would probably seem like the biggest non-sequitur ever!  Fortunately, before Caroline is forced to explain herself, Matt gets distracted by a Shiny Cheerleader seeking Hamburgers.  So, Caroline takes that opportunity to escape.

“You Went on a Murderous Rampage.  It Happens!”

Damon and Elena find Rose, at the barbecue, eventually.  But not until AFTER she kills YET another unsuspecting Mystic Falls resident, by breaking in to the roof of her CAR!  Rose feels kind of guilty for all the eating she’s been doing (PIG!)  But Damon, ever the non-judgmental f*ck buddy, doesn’t seem to be bothered by it.  “You went on a murderous rampage.  It happens,” he assures her.

Back in bed, Rose starts monologuing about the joys of humanity, and how Elena, should appreciate her life, and blah, blah, blah . . . I just fell asleep typing that sentence . . .

Damon tells Elena to leave, and does a bit of Inception Mind F*king on Rose, placing her in a dreamy version of her home village, where she lived when she was human.  Rose has long crimped 80’s hair now, and a fugly floor-length blue dress.  It’s all very Little House on the Prairie.  Rose and Damon have a perfectly idyllic time together in dream land, racing through the fields, reminiscing about old times.  Meanwhile, in the REAL WORLD, Damon is cradling a sleeping Rose, with a stake poised at her chest.  And he is CRYING . . .

Damon hesitates a bit.  This is clearly hard for him.  But eventually, he stakes Rose.  It’s a mercy killing, really . . . She was in pain.  And she was PAINFUL to watch.  Now we have ALL been put out of our misery .  . . well, except for Damon.  And he’s miserable enough for all of us!

Damon drives Rose’s body out to Sheriff Forbes, who has been compelled to forget that he’s a vampire.  So, she thanks him profusely for keeping the town “safe” from vampires, and bids him adieu.  When he arrives back at La Casa de Rich and Awesome, Elena is waiting there for him.

Elena understands Damon in a way that nobody else does, not even Stefan.  And she knows he’s hurting.  Damon, however, is not willing to admit his pain to the woman he loves . . . yet.  “You want to hear that I cared about Rose.   I didn’t”

“I don’t believe that,” Elena presses.  “You feel something.”

“I feel it, and it SUCKS,” Damon admits.  “Especially, because it was supposed to be me.”

“You feel guilty,” Elena notes.  “You are so close [to humanity].  You can’t give up.”

At this point, Damon fires back at Elena, telling her what everybody else has been thinking, ever since she made that fateful deal with Elijah.  “All you’ve DONE is give up!”  (And then again . . . perhaps, Damon’s talking about Elena giving up on her romantic feelings for HIM!  Yeah, that’s probably just wishful thinking on my part.)

“Go home, Elena,” Damon repeats sadly.  “I’ve had enough doom, gloom, and personal growth for one night.”

“OK,” Elena relents. 

She then turns to leave, but not before turning toward him, and offering him a sweet and powerful embrace.  Their eyes lock for a moment, and volumes of thoughts and emotions are exchanged in a single glance.  For a moment, it looks like they might kiss.  But it wouldn’t be the right time, not now.  Instead, Damon puts his head on Elena’s shoulder and allows himself a few quiet sobs.  It’s touching, and beautiful.  And I only wish it lasted longer . . .

Speaking of scenes I wish lasted longer . . .

Hallelujah!  It’s a Forwood Ambush KISS!

Remember earlier, when I was ranking the episode’s steamiest kisses?  Here comes #1!

When Caroline arrives home from the Barbecue, Tyler is waiting for her on her porch.

“We need to talk,” Tyler opens. 

(Usually, those are words signifying BAD NEWS.  But that’s not so, here.)

“Why would you risk it?” Tyler asks, referring of course to the couple’s night of hot passion, and Tyler’s poisonous teeth.

Caroline downplays the extent of her sacrifice for Tyler, explaining simply, that he needed help, and she was there.  But Tyler is not so easily convinced.  He senses that Caroline has some romantic feelings for him, ones that mirror his own.  And, so he presses further.  “I don’t understand you, Caroline!”

Caroline can’t take it anymore.  Overwhelmed with emotion, she lashes out at the Baby Wolf.  “Why is it so hard for you to let people help you  .  . . to let someone care?   Well, I’m sorry Tyler, but I cared.  I care about you.”

And that’s all Tyler needs to hear.  He rushes to Caroline, and presses her up against the wall, holding her face, and kissing her passionately.  No longer able to control her emotions, she kisses him back with an intensity and fervor, she never knew was possible before. ( Intense Nights Spent in a Dungeon with a Hot Naked Boy can do that do a girl.)  And yet, I had to wonder, whether, if a Werewolf Bite could kill a vampire, what would a Werewolf Hickey do?

Caroline must be thinking about this too, which is why she pulls away from Tyler. 

Baby’s first Vampire-gasm

  “We can’t do that,” she exclaims.

Rather than argue with her, Tyler actually apologizes, which makes me love him even more. 

“Everybody needs to stop kissing me!” Caroline whines, as she rushes into the house. 

(Coincidentally, Caroline, if you ever get tired of all that pesky kissing, I’d be MORE than happy to take your place.  Just sayin’)

Evil Jules Does the UNTHINKABLE

His heart still filled with love, and his tongue still covered in sweet vampire saliva, Tyler heads toward the Only Bar / Social Establishment in Mystic Falls to meet up with Jules, who seems to have been there ALL FRIGGIN DAY.  (Just what Mystic Falls needs!  Another Alchy!)  Jules doesn’t waste any time, clawing her way into Tyler’s head.  Within a matter of about a minute, she’s dropped about five bombshells on the poor werewolf.  And here they are:

(1) She knows about him and Caroline, and their (True Natures)

(2) Uncle Mason is DEAD.

(3) Caroline may have played a role in his demise.

(4) Mystic Falls is crawling with vampires, and Caroline is in league with them.

(5) Mystic Falls will soon be crawling with werewolves like Jules and Tyler.

Poor Tyler!  It seems Damon isn’t the only TVD guy in serious need of a hug!

Speaking of unwanted guests invading Mystic Falls,  did I mention that Creepy Uncle / Father John is back in town?

Hmmmm . .  . I wonder if Elena’s less than proud papa is going to ask Jeremy for his Ring of Immortality back, now that  vampires will most likely be trying to kill him again . . .

Damon has an Emotional Breakthrough (and Breakdown)

A highly distraught, emotional, and . . . you guessed it . . . WASTED, Damon is lying around in the middle of an abandoned road, when an unlikely driver comes upon him.  Her name is Jessica, and she is definitely in for a ROUGH NIGHT!

Damon compels Jessica to stand still, but doesn’t compel her to be calm, which would have made things much more pleasant for her, I think.  He needs someone to talk to, and she’s there for him, whether she wants to be, or not.  He is lost . . . metaphorically, and existentially . .. and she . . . a human, and a female, represents the crux of his existential crisis. 

Elena’s words to him about him being “so close” to humanity are clearly on Damon’s mind, when he says, “All I’ve got is trouble . . . I’ve got a secret .  . . I can’t be what SHE wants me to be . . . This is who I am,” Damon cries.

 He is unhinged, and more emotional than we have EVER seen him before.  (It’s heartbreaking and fascinating to watch.  And if Ian Somerhalder doesn’t get an Emmy nomination for it, I will personally drive down to the Academy of Television Arts and Sciences and give them a piece of my mind.  Anybody with me?)

Jessica pleads with Damon for her life.  “Are you going to hurt me?”  She whispers.

“I’m not sure,” he replies truthfully.  “I’m NOT HUMAN . . . and I miss it . . . more than anything.  That’s my Big Secret,” admits Damon,  his voice choked by tears.

He then sets Jessica free, and the viewers breathe a sigh of relief.  But, in typical TVD fashion, just when we think we’ve got it all figured out, EVERYTHING CHANGES.  Moments after Damon let’s the girl go, he rushes her, and kills her.  His bloody face filled with pain and remorse, once he’s done. 

 (“You went on a murderous rampage.  It happens!”)

As we focus on Damon’s vamped out visage, the music playing in the background, creepily belts out the words “Who’s next?” as the screen fades to black. 

Next week’s presumably werewolf-centric episode, entitled “Daddy Issues,” promises some tough times between Hot Couple, Tyler and Caroline, as the Bany Werewolf begins to question the Baby Vamp’s loyalties and true intentions.  Oh, and Elena seems to be wearing an ABNORMALLY high PONYTAIL.  What’s up with that?

You can watch the EXTENDED preview for the episode, here:

So, what did you think folks?   Did you enjoy The Descent?  Were you as NOT sorry to see Rose go, as I was?  Do you want to KILL Jules for turning Tyler against Caroline, as much as I do?  The comment section is all yours, my fello Fangbangers!

[www.juliekushner.com]

39 Comments

Filed under Live Blogging Event, The Descent, The Vampire Diaries

The Vampire Diaries has FINALLY returned! Let’s celebrate with a LIVEBLOG!

It’s been a loooooooooong time, since The Vampire Diaries last graced our television screens . . .

Not quite 145 years .  . . but it sure felt like that long!

We have waited patiently . . .

(Admittedly, some of us may have been more patient than others .  . .)

And FINALLY our patience (or lack thereof) has been rewarded.  Because the wait is over, Fangbangers!  As for those Sexy Salvatore Brothers, well . . . THEY’RE BAAAAAAACK!

As you ALL probably know, The Vampire Diaries’ “The Descent” premieres January 27th at 8 p.m. on the CW.  The question is, how do YOU plan to celebrate?

Will you DANCE?

Or, perhaps, have a few drinks?

Do you plan on getting laid that night?

Maybe, you will get to do a ALL OF THE ABOVE!  (You lucky DOG, you!) 

But whatever you decide to do, momentous occasions like this simply don’t happen every day!  And when they do come around, it’s important to share them with fellow fangirls (and boys) like yourselves!  For this reason, my Brilliant, Gorgeous, Hilarious, and All Around Amazing Blogging Pals, Amy of Imaginary Men, and Cherie over at My Spidey Sense is Tingling, and I have decided to LIVEBLOG THE MID-SEASON PREMIERE!

What’s a LiveBlog, you ask?  Well, it’s kind of like a chat room where you can talk (well, more accurately, “type”) about “The Descent” with other fabulous fangirls, like yourself, while the show is airing.  Or, if you’re shy, just read along.  And let US do the work for you!

  In addition to covering the play-by-play of the episode, and repeatedly cooing over the hotness of the show’s cast  (Comments like “OMG!  HE IS SO GORGEOUS!” are, of course, inevitable, in these types of forums, and TOTALLY welcome!), Amy, Cherie and I will also be regaling you with screenshots from the episode, hot photos of the cast, and fun live polls, in which can take part. 

TYLER: *reads*  “Who’s the hottest character on The Vampire Diaries?  I’m going to go with choice “C,” Tyler!”

CAROLINE:  “Hmmmm . . . what are the other choices?”

TYLER:  “Hey!  Don’t make me go all werewolf on you, again!”

Of course, if you miss the LiveBlog, and want to check it out after the episode airs, you can do that too!  Here’s an example of a LiveBlog we did back in September, for the show’s season premiere. 

“Haha!  Those girls TOTALLY thought I was dead, when Damon broke my neck, back in ‘The Return.’  Silly Fangbangers!”

(Oh, and just a quick note, because we had some confusion last year.  A LiveBlog is not the same thing as a LiveStream.  Unfortunately, the technology we have available to us from CoverItLive does not allow us to stream the episode to other viewers, over the internet.  It provides “chat” services only.  There are a number of other websites that will stream the episode for you, of course.  However, us fangirls don’t have the resources — or the necessary legal approval — to offer you that particular service.  Sorry, in advance!)

So, if you are up for celebrating The Vampire Diaries’ mid-season premiere with a bunch of crazy fangirl bloggers, who share a love of  both snarky commentary and shirtless vampires . . .

 . . . CLICK HERE at 8 p.m. on Thursday, January 27th! 

(You never know WHO you might meet! 😉 )

[www.juliekushner.com]

6 Comments

Filed under Live Blogging Event, The Vampire Diaries

Let’s Have Some Fun with The Vampire Diaries’ Promotional Posters!

Aside from being an amazing show, with stellar writing, and a talented, not to mention, sublimely sexy, cast, The Vampire Diaries is also known for its INGENIOUS marketing strategies.  Every few months, the CW marketing department releases a few new fabulous posters to promote the show.  These posters tend to feature one or more of the cast members in a sexually suggestive pose, adorned by both the TVD logo, and a titillating tagline, which hints a bit at what’s to come on the show. 

Here are a few of my favorite promotional posters, from The Vampire Diaries’ recent past . . .

In honor of the upcoming mid-season premiere of The Vampire Diaries, the CW has released three NEW posters, one featuring each of the show’s three main characters.  The first poster was released around the time that the show’s mid-season finale, “By the Light of the Moon” aired.  Elena was the focus of that poster. 

Its tagline,  “Death is a sacrifice Elena is not willing to make,” was a not-so-subtle reference to the dangerous deal Elena made with Elijah, in order to release Stefan from the Underground Tomb, where he and Katherine were heretofore trapped.  (It also probably referred to “The Sacrifice,” the title of Season 2’s tenth episode.)

The second new promotional poster was released in early January 2011.  I’m pleased to report, that it featured my FAVORITE character, Damon Salvatore, in a mesmerizing EXTREME CLOSEUP! 

As for its tagline, “Look out Damon, your emotions are showing,” it refers to Damon’s increasing inability to “turn off his emotions,” particularly when it comes to the people he loves (Stefan and Elena), and the friends, who have helped him along the way.  Could these not-so-hidden emotions impact his relationship with Elena, in the upcoming episodes?  Will Damon’s “forgotten” declaration of love to his brother’s girlfriend, be “remembered,” once again?  (MAN, I HOPE SO!)

The third installment of this new poster series, features Stefan Salvatore.  According to interviews with Paul Wesley, himself, his tagline,  “There’s a reason he always gets the girl,” refers to Stefan’s nefarious, almost Damon-like past, and the one woman in it who deemed him capable of redemption. 

This can only mean two things, TVD fans: (1) more flashbacks to 1864; and (2) DARK STEFAN RETURNS!

But why must Elena, Damon, and Stefan be the only cast members of The Vampire Diaries to get their own promotional posters?  What about the rest of the cast?  Honestly, I think this is a travesty of justice!  For this reason, I have decided to create MY OWN posters for some of the OTHER residents of Mystic Falls . . .

Here’s one for our favorite Baby Werewolf, Tyler Lockwood . . .

Not creative enough for you?  Perhaps, this one will be more to your liking . . .

But what about Tyler’s new Gal Friday, Caroline?  Surely SHE deserves a poster too!

In fact, I don’t think one poster is enough for Caroline Forbes.  After all, Vampire Barbie isn’t just a character, she’s a commodity to be “played with” by fangirls (and adoring boys) EVERYWHERE!

Having already covered, Tyler and Caroline, I would be remiss not to create a poster for the third point of that aforementioned Love Triangle.  Of course, I’m referring to the Cute but Clueless, Matt Donovan . . .

Speaking of Clueless, what about Aunt Jenna?  Doesn’t SHE deserve some poster love too?

While we are on the subject of Jenna, what about her dashing History Teacher Turned Vampire Slayer Boyfriend, Alaric Saltzman?  Surely, Damon’s bromantic buddy, and favorite weapons enthusiast is worthy of a poster all his own.  Isn’t he?

Hmmm . . . I think I’m missing a new couple here . . . Oh, I KNOW!  It’s Mini Gilbert and Bonnie the Teenage Witch!

But enough about all these Good Guys, I need some VILLAIN posters!   Let’s start with the biggest villain of them all . . . ROSE!  (Hey, she interferes with my Delena Mother Ship!  That makes her a BIG BAD VILLAIN, OK?)

But, you know, there are villains I ACTUALLY LIKE on this show.  And one of them is Kickass Vampire Katherine.  Granted, unlike the other cast members for whom I’ve created posters, Katherine HAS already been featured in promotions before.  (See the poster featuring her and Stefan, above).  Nevertheless, this Tomb-Dwelling Femme Fatale has never had her OWN poster . . . until now . . .

(It’s a Full House reference . . . just in case you missed it.)

Another villain we all love to hate, is the mysterious OLD VAMP, Elijah.  He’s smart, intense, wryly humorous, and scary as ALL HELL!  So, I for one, think it’s high time, he got inducted into our TVD Poster Hall of Fame . . .

Well, that about does it for the villains, we KNOW.  But what about the ones we haven’t met yet . . .  You all know who I’m talking about, right?  I’ll give you a hint, he’s a vampire who’s name rhymes with “mouse.” 😉

So, there you have it.  Now ALL of the main cast members of The Vampire Diaries have their own promotional posters, just in time for mid-season premiere . . .

Well . . . almost everyone . . . 

Speaking of “The Descent,” I am proud to report that my blogging pals, Amy from Imaginary Men and Cherie from My Spidey Sense is Tingling, will be LIVE BLOGGING the entire episode!  Be sure to check back here, later this week (probably this Tuesday or Wednesday) to find out how YOU can join in with the fangirly festivities. 

See you then, my fellow FANGBANGERS!

[www.juliekushner.com]

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Filed under Promotional Posters, The Vampire Diaries