Tag Archives: layden

It’s Official, Scott McCall is the Worst – A Recap of Teen Wolf’s “Lies of Omission”

wrench“Die a hero, or live long enough to see yourself become the villain.”

Such were the wise words of Harvey Dent. You might remember him from the Batman film, The Dark Knight Rises, as That Guy Who (Spoiler Alert) Definitely Didn’t Die a Hero.

which oneOK, so not every person who doesn’t die young is destined to become a deformed super villain with multiple personality disorder. But I think it is safe to say that, at least for most of us, the longer we live, the more inevitable stains and tears we are going to rack up on our White Knight and Shining Armor pant suits.

At least from Season 2, onward, Scott McCall has always been more of a Superman-brand of hero, than a Batman-type one, reserving the very human pitfalls of heroism for the rest of his pack mates (broodiness and hunger for power for Derek, vanity for Lydia, a thirst for revenge for Allison, introspection and crippling self-doubt for Stiles) so that he could focus more fully on the “special snowflake” aspects of his job.

2 10 alpha bits

The True Alpha . . . Bits

And while special snowflake heroes tend to be the ones you’d choose first to rescue you from a burning building or sadistic serial killer, they also tend to be the last ones you choose to do anything else with you, because they are just so friggin uptight, judgmental, and downright BORING!

sleeping stilesUp until this season, Scott had a fix for that problem too. He never had to be charming, or even particularly likeable, because he came as a package deal with this awesome group of pals who were charming and likeable for him!

stiles-15Then those awful, unsanitary, poorly dressed, mumbling low-rent Darth Vader Dredd Doctors and their little minion Theo came along, and stole Scott’s special snowflake-ness from him. They gently pushed him to alienate his charming friends. Until, eventually, all that was left was a self-righteous kid with asthma, who was kind of a dick.

bad scottThe kind of guy who wouldn’t lift a finger to save his surrogate little brother’s dying girlfriend, because it didn’t conform with his “moral code” . . .

scott dog dishThe kind of guy who lets his own girlfriend sacrifice herself to an uncertain fate, just because the fox costume she always wears inadvertently took some steroids . . .

kira modeThe kind of guy who would believe the words of a douchebag he used to hang out with on swing sets eight years ago, over those of his best friend for life, Stiles.

rain stilesAnd really, anyone who hurts Stiles is a villain in my book . . . plain and simple

Let’s review, shall we?

[As always, special thanks to Andre for fearlessly screencapping so many gross pictures of silver nose snot.  He’s got a stomach of steel, that one!]

Adventures in Monologuing

immense darkness

Scott’s even starting to monologue like a super villain! But instead of talking about cool stuff, like world domination and mass murder, he’s talking about lame stuff, like his feelings, how his friends don’t smile at him in the hallways anymore, and his asthma. In fact, the entire opening sequence reminds me of one of those commercials for antidepressants starring Scott and his pals in the role of The Sad Egg . . .

https://youtu.be/twhvtzd6gXA

“All of your whining is seriously harshing my buzz. I’m going to go hang out with my evil friends, the Dredd Dorks. At least they know how to party,” mutters Theo.

closed

“What did you say?” Scott asks with raised eyebrows.

“Um . . . I said, everything is fine, Cuz! I’m going to go eat some moo shoo pork. I don’t want to be tardy,” covers Theo, as he exits stage left, laughing maniacally.

theo as wolf“Theo is such a standup guy,” Scott muses, as he watches from the window, while his new pal stabs three elderly ladies, kicks two puppies, and blows up a playground full of happy school children. “Inviting him to join our pack was my best decision ever.”

“Pee on me. Sit on me”

peregree syszegy

Theo heads on over to the Dredd Doctors lab, where the guys are clearly busy taking hits of their own “experimental” drug product.

No wonder we can never understand a word these guys are saying. They must be stoned out of their minds all the time!

inject“Hey fellow Bad Guys,” begins Theo conversationally. “Listen, I know you wanted to off Hayden so the Naked Garbage Man can add her to his ever growing Burning-Tree Stump Collection? But Jeff Davis told me to tell you that you can’t murder her yet, since she’s going to be a series regular next season.   Because Young Love and stuff. Also because all the other ships on this show are pretty much dead in the water.”

“Perigee-Syzegy” says one of the Dredd Doctors, as he takes another hit of what looks like heroine mixed with really dirty bong water.

chatting with dreddy“Pee on me? Sit on me?” Theo asks, clearly confused, as we all are.

“Perigee-Syzegy,” repeats the Dredd Doctor, more firmly, this time.

“Did you just say pot of bees, sick of fleas?” Theo posits.

“PERIGEE-SYZEGY!” The Dredd Doctor says a third time. (Now he’s really getting pissed.)

other“What about a Pedigree Symphony?” Theo inquires.

“You are going to die tonight, you hunk of dumb evil junk!” The Dredd Doctor growls.

“Ohhhhh Perigee-Syzegy! The Supermoon! You need it to complete your weird science experiment or whatever. Why didn’t you say that in the first place? Honestly, you stoners could be such intellectual snobs sometimes,” Theo replies with a knowing wink at the audience.

Meanwhile over at the love shack, otherwise known as “Behind the School Bus in Beacon Hills High” . .. .

Love Means Never Having to Say “You have silver boogers in your nose.”

kssin

Awww, Liam and Hayden! So cute! With their confessions of love, and their tongue kisses, and their patent inability to use tissues when they clearly need them . . .

noseApparently, not only are the Dredd Doctors raging drug addicts, they are giving all the teen wuzzles at school massive cocaine problems.   “Please don’t tell anybody about my gross snot thing,” Hayden pleads to her new boo. “It’s really embarrassing. Almost as embarrassing as that time during sixth grade when I had to take my school picture with a broken nose because you punched . . . too soon?”

nose pic“Let’s run away together! I’ll protect you from the Dredd Doctors. I’ll pack a bag with lots of energy bars for us to eat, and lots of tissues for me to clean the snot off your nose,” Liam decides impulsively.

“But I’ve only known you for about four episodes, and most of that time we’ve spent either unconscious or punching one another in the face,” Hayden posits. “How do we know our sudden passion for one another isn’t borne from the adrenaline rush of our recent brush with death, and won’t fade the minute, some other pretty wuzzle with a nose bleed casts a fist in the general direction of your nasal cavity?”

scared face punch“Ummmm . . . ,” replies Liam.

“Screw it, let’s do it,” exclaims Hayden excitedly, shooting an adorable snot rocket in Liam’s direction to seal the deal. (Everything Hayden does is adorable, obviously.)

“Oh hey, Scott!” Liam exclaims super awkwardly, a bit later, as he hauls a duffel bag filled with a lifetime supply of snot tissues and wuzzle food onto the bench in front of him. “Please ignore this massive piece of evidence sitting right in front of you that I am about to put myself in harms way.”

protein

“Nice getaway duffel bag you got there. I’d love to stay and chat, but I have to go suck on my inhaler and monologue some more. Be careful of the upcoming Supermoon and your IBS,” Scott notes.

“I don’t have irritable bowel syndrome!” Liam protests.

confused liam“Oops. I mean IED. I always mess those two up. Anyway. Gotta jet,” offers Scott, as he skips off stage left.

“Seriously? You didn’t even notice how shady I’m acting? My loud and plaintive cries for help weren’t loud enough for you? You are the worst dad ever, Scott! And you think I have IBS? What a jerk! I’m going to go take my girlfriend to the creepy gay club and get us both killed now. Thanks for your support!” Liam huffs.

Meanwhile, elsewhere on campus, Stiles IS DEAD!!!

better picBabyScaredJust kidding. This show would so be cancelled, if that were even remotely true.   That’s just Stiles’ guilt talking. And Stiles’ Guilt has a big mouth, and a real knack for hyperbole.

Enough of this guilt talk. Let’s go to the gym, and get ripped with new wuzzle Corey!

I Wanna Get Physical!

liftBecause Teen Wolf is nothing, if not an educational program, I proudly present to you, “Workout tips from Soon-to-be-Dead Wuzzles.”

  • When lifting weights, always make sure to have a spotter, who weighs more than eighty pounds soaking wet..
  • Be sure to stretch before you get started, to avoid muscle strain.
  • Eat a light meal about 20 to 30 minutes before your workout to maximize your energy levels. Emphasis on light. Eating too much right before a workout, could result in some serious embarrassment, not to mention a ruined muscle-tee. And muscle tees aren’t cheap!
oops

“I saw this going a whole lot better in my head.”

While Corey gets shipped off to the hospital with the 98% fatality rate, to blend into some walls, hurt some folks, and suffer an unceremonious demise at the hand of one of the Dredd Doctors . . .

corey dead . . . another one is at the school killing this chick, who doesn’t seem to have any cool powers, apart from being really efficient at biting her nails. Lame! Failure indeed.

gross nail

weird

done deadSay what you will about the Dredd Doctors, but they really are the best when it comes to Team Work with a capital T!

Malia is just so done with this Dredd Doctor sh*t.  Dead wuzzles? A “pack leader” who can’t fight, and monologues too much? Shitty teachers that don’t appreciate her awesome color contacts? Living in a cave in the woods and eating her own poop is starting to seem like a really good idea right now. #Nostalgia.

color con opover thisSpeaking of nostalgia . . .

Lydia and Stiles reunite . . . for about two seconds

 Remember a few seasons back, when Lydia and Stiles used to sleuth together all the time, doing all the heavy intellectual lifting for their big hearted, but little brained pals, each week, tossing off a few witty one-liners and the occasional eye-f*ck as they worked side by side?

stydiaI miss that about this show. And we got some of it this week, while Lydia and Stiles wandered through the woods in search of the lost Nemeton . . . you know, because Big Ass Trees roughly the size of an entire town with mountains of dead bodies adorning them are SUPER hard to find.

huh

“You know, it’s been fun sleuthing with you again. But I should really get Naked Garbage Man Parrish to help out with this instead because Sex,” Lydia insists. “Besides, it’s always better when the secretly evil characters on this show learn that they are evil.”

dont do it“Yeah, because when I found out I was secretly evil, I locked myself up I an insane asylum, had sex with Malia, killed a bunch of folks, and almost murdered Scott,” Stiles notes.

“Exactly, I knew you’d understand,” replies Lydia, patting Stiles on the head like he’s a dog.

flirting with lyd“So, really this is only about sex and nothing else,” Stiles says.

“Pretty much, yeah,” Lydia admits.

there it is“You know what would be fun, if we beat the sh*t out of each other in this forest,” Lydia says to Naked Garbage Man Parrish later that day.

“Why do all the couples on this show have to beat each other up this season? I feel like it sends a bad message to today’s youth that they should equate assault with foreplay,” Parrish posits.

“Stop acting like you have a brain, and look pretty,” Lydia insists. “Also punch me in the face.”

fighting more battle“OK,” Parrish responds, before giving Lydia a black eye. “Hey check it out! Isn’t that the tree where I carry all the dead wuzzle bodies?” Parrish notes.

turned“And to think, it’s been right behind us this whole time, and all it took was a little physical abuse for us to find it,” Lydia responds excitedly.

threeim afraid of me not afraidLater, Parrish locks himself up in a jail cell that might as well be made of paper clips, for all it will do to keep the Naked Garbage Man from stealing more dead bodies.

lock me up“Amateur Hour,” mutters Stiles under his breath, while shaking his head.

If Theo Can’t Have Stiles, NO ONE CAN!

theo equals evilYou know everyone believes that Theo is all obsessed with Scott, and wants to alienate him from all his friends, so he could like, become him, or something?  But personally, I think Theo is all about Stiles. This is simply a case of a boy, standing in front of another boy, with a bunch of decapitated puppy heads in his fist, asking him to love him.

car flirt
Step one in Theo’s master plan to win Stiles’ heart, is to break him up from his first love, Scott. “Hey Scott,” Theo begins casually, as the pair go for a nice leisurely drive around town, because Theo loves nothing more than riding in cars with boys. “I think it’s really cool how supportive you’ve been of Stiles, even though he beat that wuzzle with a wrench, killed him, and tried to cover it up. You’re a good friend!”

kept hitting him“WHAT?   STILES IS A MURDERER . . . ON PURPOSE, THIS TIME?” Scott exclaims.

trademark scott face“Oops, was I not supposed to tell you that?” Theo says with a wink at the camera, as he sticks his arm out the car window, and strangles a nun.

new guy theoStep two in Theo’s seduction of Stiles plan, is to get in good with his dad, by telling him that HE killed Donovan to save the Sheriff’s and Stiles’ life, this has the dual effect of exonerating Stiles for the murder HE committed, and making Theo look like a hero in front of his hopefully future father in law.

let him kill didnt knowSmooth, Theo! Super smooth!

All of this ultimately results in Scott dumping Stiles, in the pouring rain, no less! “You believe Theo over me, your best friend, about the whole murder of Donovan thing?” Stiles asks incredulously. “The guy wears a heart shaped locket around his neck with Adolf Hitler’s picture on one side and Darth Vader’s on the other. He’s so obviously a bad dude! What the heck is wrong with you this season that you can’t see that?”

believe me backs away“Whatever, I don’t like you anymore, because The Plot makes it so. Off to make some more ridiculously poor life choices. See ya,” Scott calls out over his shoulder.

waiting crying stiles raincrying jessIn Which Scott Makes More Ridiculously Poor Life Choices . . .

 found out

Hiding out at the gay club, where the Dredd Doctors are VIPs, who seem to show up there at least once an episode, seems like a great idea to lovebirds Liam and Hayden. The pair barely have enough time to steal some cash from the safe, and do a few shots of tequila off one another’s oh-so-perfect abdominals, when guess who shows up to spoil their fun.

Surprise! It’s the Dredd Doctors.

me againep 9 obviously stilesFortunately, Scott and Theo are there to suck royally at life, and not help at all!

uselesThen, the Dredd Doctors give Hayden another heroine injection and she dies.

drugs

“Give hugs not drugs?”

cracked eysurprised-faceJust kidding! She’s fine! Heroine is not dangerous at all, kids!

Later, in the car on the way home, Hayden conveniently decides that she’s dying again. So, Theo suggests that Scott turn her into a full-on werewolf to prevent this from happening. “Awww, can you do it, Daddy Werewolf? Can you, pretty pretty please with a cherry on top? I’ll be your best friend,” pleads Liam.

we can save give biteno“No! You’re grounded. Go to your room, Liam. And don’t even think about using your cell phone, playing video games, or watching the love of your life suffer a slow cruel and senseless death,” Scott scolds.

becoming wolf“I hate you, Dad! I wish you were dead!” Liam cries in anguish.

Meanwhile, somewhere off stage, Theo is kissing the photograph of Stiles he keeps in his boxer shorts, and dancing the Macarena in triumph . . . “Soon, my lover boy! Soon you will be mine,” he whispers to the photograph.

See you next time, Werebangers!

stiles with wolf hat

 

 

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Very Unsanitary – A Recap of Teen Wolf’s “Ouroboros”

unsannSo, I’ve been thinking a lot about this, this past week. Do you want to know what I’ve decided makes the Dredd Doctors so terrifying?

It’s not the fact that I can never understand what the heck they are saying . . .

Or that they consider scuba masks with trench coats a fashion statement . . .

chatting with dreddyIt’s not even that they enjoy finding creative ways to murder teenagers, because every villain on this show does that . . . (bo-ring!)

Honestly, the Dredd Doctors freak me out, because they are such unbelievable pigs!

You want to know why all your little medical experiments are such “failures”, Dredd Doctors?

Perhaps, it has something to do with the fact that you operate on your “patients” on top of cars . . .

zoinc. . . or on dirty floors and rusted operating tables . . .

trac wolf

. . . reusing the same bloody medical equipment over and over again . . .

vlcsnap-9290-09-18-20h01m46s355

. . . after “sterilizing” it in murky gross vomit water with little (but not cute) creatures living inside it . . .

nasty stuff

. . . and then, after you operate, you leave all these kids’ wounds exposed, gory and festering . . .

dirty tabblood wound

They have these things called Bandaids now, Dredd Doctors. Maybe it’s time you learned to use them . . .

bandaids

As if it wasn’t frustrating enough that the Dredd Doctors’ MO is murky at best: (Make the best wuzzle ever? Kill all the teenagers in Beacon Hills? Make everyone hallucinate for no conceivable reason? Turn Scott into a whiny b*tch?), they don’t even seem to be particularly good at their job!

A nice young studly doctor in a white lab coat, with a hospital full of sterile medical equipment, (not to mention lots and lots of bandaids!) would make way better wuzzles than these Dredd Dorks . . . just saying . . .

jackson-photo_537x358

Anywhoo, let’s review, mmm-kay?

[As always, a special thanks to Andre, who somehow manages to make an episode that, to me, looked like a big ole ugly infected wound, into a work of screencapping art!]

Deaton Goes on Spring Break

Possibly because flights to Disney World, Vegas and Hawaii were too expensive (Since no one in Beacon Hills lives long enough to get themselves a pet, the vet business in Beacon Hills isn’t what it used to be.), Deaton decides to take his annual vacation to . . . a water treatment facility somewhere in Europe that is seemingly identical to the one in Beacon Hills?

Talk about a waste of frequent flier miles!

cryptic vetApparently, the Dredd Doctors were there too. The Dredd Doctors just looooove water treatment facilities, which makes me really glad my liquid diet consists entirely of Sugar Free Energy Drinks and wine. Water is dangerous!

We know this particular water treatment facility is a hang out for the Dredd Doctors because it has their logo on it, the Ouroboros, which is basically a snake eating its tail. I don’t about you, but if I was a Franken Doctor, I would choose a mascot that inspired a bit more confidence . . .. like, for example, ANYTHING ELSE IN THE WHOLE WORLD!

ouroborosEating your own body parts is just a bad idea generally. I mean, I bite my nails on occasion, but you don’t see me listing it as a skill on my resume . . .

At the water treatment facility, Deaton meets Malia’s mom, the Desert Wolf, who helpfully kills Deaton’s Russian-accented friend, so that the two can have a “private conversation.” Why is Malia’s mom hanging out at a random water treatment facility in Europe? I don’t know. I decided to stop asking logical questions about this show around the same time Dead Peter became a ghost teenage version of himself, so that Lydia could dig up his grave and make out with his rotted corpse.

Anywhoo, Malia’s mom wants to kill Malia, supposedly, but hasn’t been able to do so for 18 years, even though she’s supposedly the best hit woman in the whole wide world.

kill againNice to meet you, Desert Wolf. You are going to fit right in on this show!

Meanwhile, back in Beacon Hills, Scott is frustrated, because Baby Wolf Liam has been kidnapped, and his Alpha Wolf nostrils can’t smell the kid anymore.

disturbedDamn you, Old Spice Deodorant! DAMN YOUUUUUUUU!!!!!

At the Adult Table . . .

Mama McCall is quickly becoming my second favorite character on this show. (First, is Stiles, obviously.) This makes me feel old and very uncool, but also like I have good taste, because Mama McCall is awesome. (Giving birth to Scott, notwithstanding.)

wordShe calls her soon-to-be boyfriend, Sheriff Stilinski over to her house to help her with a rather pressing matter. “You’re a strong man, aren’t you Sheriff Stilinski?” Mama McCall inquires coyly. “Think you could help me move this monster teen’s corpse with Kira’s sword in it off my kitchen table for me? It is really hard to serve pot roast on top of her, as the murder weapon keeps getting in the way.”

suspic“You do realize I have to report this dead body to the rest of the police department, don’t you?” Sheriff responds judgmentally.

“Oh, don’t be such a stick in the mud!” Mama McCall complains. “Teens on this show have the lifespans of fruit flies. Who is going to miss another dead one? This one didn’t even get a name. Now, move her, so I can eat my dinner!”

the deadbody in kit“No!” Sheriff Stilinski retorts. “This girl is dead and your son’s girlfriend killed her. I’m going to make sure she gets the death penalty, and try to get your son thrown in jail too, for having such awful taste in women. I’m not sure that’s a crime per se, but I’ll find a way to make it one.”

“Are you just behaving this way, so viewers will understand why Stiles is so freaked out about telling you he killed that punk who wanted to murder you in self-defense?” Mama McCall inquires.

“Pretty much,” responds Sheriff Stilinski.

moving slapSo, Mama McCall does what any woman would do while hanging out with a corpse and a cop in the kitchen, she smacks Sheriff Stilinski in the face. “And to think, I was going to have sex with you on this murder table!” She mutters under her breath.

Mama McCall isn’t done having foreplay with Stiles’ dad yet though. She pops down to the station later on to file a police report about the dead body that is basically a recap of Seasons 1 through 5 of Teen Wolf.

“You know, I can’t file this, Melissa!” Sheriff Stilinski scolds. “There are way too many plot holes and inconsistent character development. Plus, who the heck is this Danny character? He’s around for four seasons, then he just disappears and everyone forgets he existed?”

sassy momThen, Mama McCall and Sheriff Stilinski start having hot angry hate sex right on Sheriff Stilinski’s desk . . . or at least they would if I wrote this episode . . .

Out on some random street, Kira is wandering around in a daze. So, Hayden’s sister tricks her into getting into the back of the cop car and arrests her for murder. Of course, she doesn’t read Kira her Miranda rights, so the arrest is totally invalid. But hey, at least they got the police code right. It’s 187 for homicide, like that 50 Cent song!

187 homicideKira’s dad confesses to the murder in Kira’s place, even though he totally thinks his daughter is a psycho fox killer, who will most definitely strike again. This makes him a good dad (better than Stiles’ dad!), but a bad member of society.

kira modeMeanwhile, over in the most unsanitary water treatment facility ever . . .

“Her condition worsens.”

The adorable Hayden and Liam are lying on matching operating tables, so that the Dredd Doctors can inject them with dirty water, and chop little pieces out of them for no logical reason. When the Dredd Doctors are done doing this, they leave the two teens on the dirty floor. They do this even though the operating tables aren’t in use, and it would make more sense to keep the teens on the tables, separated from one another, so they can’t (1) plot their escape; and (2) DIE FROM NASTY FLOOR INFECTIONS!

gross floorLiam tries to take Hayden’s pain from her by squeezing her hand in his own, but it doesn’t work, because his hands are not where Liam’s strength lies. (As we will find out, by the end of the episode, there are other parts of his body that are much stronger.)

mad about tLiam and Hayden are then taken to another room, where they meet another wuzzle, whose name is Zac, but whom, for purposes of convenience, I will call Exposition Chimera. Exposition Chimera helpfully tells Liam and Hayden that this is where the Dredd Doctors take all their failures, so they can morph into monsters, bleed silver, and then be subsequently murdered.

Exposition Chimera then shows Liam and Hayden his back, where he used to have wings, before the Dredd Doctors inexplicably chopped them off.   We know they used to be wings, because the Dredd Doctors are terrible at using scissors, and only cut off ¾ of the wings, so that two p*nis-like stubs can stick out of Exposition Chimera’s back.

my beck wiggle ing

Having given us all the information we need for this episode, which, honestly, isn’t much, Exposition Chimera starts bleeding silver, and is subsequently dragged away by the Dredd Doctors.

“Don’t worry,” Liam reassures Hayden. “Scott will save us before we bleed silver.”

“Scott?” Hayden inquires. “Isn’t that your loser friend who took a nap, while we got kidnapped, and has asthma, but needed you to growl at him so that he could remember how to use his inhaler?”

huh law“Yeah, that’s him,” Liam responds.

“We are SOOO dying!” Hayden replies.

We Interrupt this Important Plot Point to Bring You Deputy Parrish (a.k.a your friendly neighborhood Naked Garbage Man), in a Towel . . .

cleaned up speak up wearing a towel

You are welcome . . .

Reading is Fun. . . damental

Teen Wolf continues its war against literacy, when Kira angrily throws her Dredd Doctor book against the wall. “Mom, I’m supposed to read this book for Scott’s book club. But it’s a really sucky book with boring villains, so I can’t finish it. Also, I’m illiterate this season, because I’m dumb as a fox. Get it? Dumb as a fox? See, that was a clever play on a well-known saying the likes of which you’d never read in this crappy book,” Kira complains.

cant read kira“You should read the book backwards then,” Kira’s mom offers.

“But then I won’t understand it,” Kira argues.

“Which is exactly how fans feel about this Dredd Doctor plot . . .” Kira’s mom notes wisely.

bookKira reads the book backwards, and it causes her to remember that time in the premiere episode, when the Dredd Doctors experimented on her right in the middle of a traffic jam on Highway 115, in front of thousands of people, but nobody cared or tried to stop it, including her parents, because most drivers are selfish bastards.

best expWe interrupt this important plot point to bring you the first initial of Stiles’ real name

m stil

It’s “M”. Even though a few seasons back it was “G”.

genimYou are welcome . . .

Finding Liam

Desperate to locate Baby Wolf and Little Miss Baby Wolf, an increasingly desperate Scott rapes the back of chimera Corey’s neck to tap into his memories. Evil Theo watches him do this, and silently reminds himself to wear turtlenecks every day for the rest of the season . . .

neck tap liking neck tapOnce Corey’s neck has been successfully impregnated, Scott draws what he was thinking about during the whole neck fondling incident. It looks a bit like this . . .

drawingnow kiss cartoon

Just kidding. He draws the water plant! Scott, Malia and Mason immediately head there to find the baby wolves, while Theo continues to grill Corey on the information that was conveniently left out during the whole neck rape thing, like WHERE IN THE HUGE WATER PLANT CHIMERAS ARE ACTUALLY KEPT.

Long story short. Scott, Malia and Mason wander around the water plant aimlessly for hours, while Scott cries for his mother, and puffs on his inhaler. Then, Theo rescues both Baby Wolves in about the amount of time it takes someone to take a leak after they drank a small glass of soda . . .

open sesameIn the car, on the way home, Liam the PLAYA has come up with another idea on how to remove Hayden’s pain. He’s going to do it with his p*nis! Just kidding . . . it’s with his tongue. But still. Smooth, Liam, very smooth!

the mack daddTheo creepily watches the pair of baby wolves eating each others’ faces off in his rearview mirror, and contemplates canceling his internet porn subscription. Between this, and his front row seat to the neck raping earlier this episode, he’s totally covered in the sexual desires department.

creepin on

A Naked Garbage Man’s Job is Never Done

Back at the morgue, Parrish successfully mists an entire police force to steal yet another body, and is back on the job before you can say, “These cops are terrible!”

another body

Parrish acts so shady throughout the whole episode that it’s pretty much as if he’s wearing a t-shirt that says, “The Naked Garbage Man: Carrying Dead Bodies to a Tree without Wearing any Underwear Since Episode 2.”

soking dub

“I knew I should never have smoked those twelve doobies before coming to work. So incredibly baked right now.”

But just in case you happen to be illiterate like Kira, he also leaves his nametag at the scene for Lydia to find.

“For most people, this would be a total dating dealbreaker,” Lydia explains. “But if you’ve met any of my previous boyfriends, you’d know that psychopathy, multiple personality disorder, and a generalized fear of wearing clothes are pretty much my three biggest turn-ons.”

lydia smirk

Scott has a Major Case of the Sads

Good news, Kira’s dad fans . . . or should I say, the one person who really likes Kira’s dad . . . who is probably Kira’s mom? No dead body equals no murder, so the cops have to let him go.

Once this happens, Kira and her family decide to skip town, so that Kira won’t accidentally murder someone and leave her dead body on his boyfriend’s mom’s kitchen table. (I mean, obviously, she’ll keep murdering people, she’ll just leave them on kitchen tables that don’t belong to her boyfriend’s mom.)

poor kira

Kira’s fox self has been hitting the steroids hard, since it first appeared on the show . . .

old fox

Kira says goodbye to Scott, and the Lord is so sad about this that he cries raindrops down on them from Heaven. I’m not talking one or two tears here either. This is some serious ugly-face cry, bawling that’s going on here.

mackin in the rainpeace

We end the episode with Scott sitting in a closet, holding the leash of a dead dog. The pathetic scene is pretty much a metaphor for the character’s super crappy life right now.   “I am the worst True Alpha ever,” Scott mopes.

dead dog leash

“Yeah, pretty much,” Mama McCall agrees. “Now, if you excuse me, I’m going to see if I can find Sheriff Stilinski on Tinder, so I can right swipe his ass all night long.”

climb that like a tree badelaI love Mama McCall! Until next time, Werebangers!

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