Tag Archives: Lindsay Lohan

Anatomy of a Film Franchise – Disney’s Tron Legacy

Admittedly, I might not be the ideal blogger to provide you with the inside scoop on Walt Disney Pictures’ upcoming action film, Tron Legacy.  After all, I never saw the original film, which hit theaters back in 1982, and starred that guy who played The Dude in The Big Lebowski.

Jeff Bridges

I did recently catch the original trailer on YouTube, however!  I found it highly amusing . . . though probably not for the reasons its creators intended.

Was this a comedy?

Given that the film is heading into its late-twenties, I expected the special effects to be more than a bit dated.  What I didn’t expect was the unintentional hilarity of Cheesy TV Announcer Guy.  Seriously, this guy should do stand-up!  Take, for example, this gem-like line from the trailer:  “Trapped inside an electronic arena, where love and escape do not compute.”  (Now, if only I could find an excuse to make use of this awesome phrase, in my day-to-day life . . .)

“Hi, you’ve reached TV Recappers’ phone.  I can’t take your call right now, because I am trapped in an electronic arena, where love and escape do not compute . . .”

But, before I go any further, perhaps I should give you the opportunity to enjoy the 1982 trailer for yourself . . .

Cheesy and over-dramatic as it may seem now, apparently, THIS was the film that paved the way for all of the CGI graphics and high tech special effects we take for granted today.  It also spawned a commercial EMPIRE, including a line of toys;

a cavalcade of super sexy fan geeks;

Yum!

and, perhaps, most importantly, a video arcade game featuring lots of PRETTY COLORS . . . and . . . not much else.

But, believe it or not, all this 80’s themed goodness, is NOT what prompted my interest in Tron Legacy.  Rather, it was my, way too late, introduction to THIS GUY .  . .

Meet Garrett Hedlund, age 25,who will be starring alongside Jeff Bridges in the NEW Tron Legacy.  Although the actor has been mistakenly tauted as a “newcomer” by members of the American press, he’s not.  Here’s a picture of Garrett in the 2004 film Friday Night Lights (on which the successful NBC TV series of the same name was based).

And here’s a picture of Garrett chilling with Mark Wahlberg and Tyrese, on the set of the 2005 film Four Brothers.

Here’s a picture of Garrett in that Ridiculously Bad Lindsay Lohan movie, Georgia Rule  (although, I imagine he would prefer we just forgot about that one . . . ).

“Hey, baby!  I’m thirsty!  How’d ya like to pour some beer on my SCRAM bracelet!”

Finally, here’s a screencap of Garrett taken by yours truly from the Tron Legacy trailer that aired during the movie, Inception.  It was this picture that prompted me to fall in love with Garrett, and, eventually, write this blog post . . .

Sigh!

But, perhaps you aren’t as shallow as I am.  And the appearance of Garrett alone isn’t enough to make you see this film. 

I know, Monkey.  It doesn’t make sense to me either .  . .

Well, it also stars the  Olivia Wilde, a.k.a. that enviably attractive, intimidatingly cool, and unfairly talented lady, of House and The O.C. fame.

Remember that time when she made out with Mischa Barton?

Good times!

But Tron Legacy not only has a stellar cast, it’s also absolutely destined to have an amazing soundtrack!  After all, Disney hired none other than Daft Punk to pen the film’s score.

Now, even if electronic music is not really your thing (and, I admit, it’s not usually mine), you have to appreciate the talent of a band like Daft Punk.  Technologic remains my favorite workout song of all time!  Try listening to this song and NOT getting pumped up.  (Note:  I WOULD have embedded the video for Technologic in this post, but the creepy Robo-Baby in it scares me.  Click on the link, and you’ll see what I mean . . .)

Another cool Daft Punk song is Harder, Better, Faster, Stronger.  Unlike Technologic, this one has a very cool, non-scary, music video accompanying it.  Therefore, I will post it here for your viewing pleasure:

Along with a fabulous soundtrack, to promote the film, Disney will also be releasing a brand new, slightly less rainbow-y, video game, entitled Tron Evolution, as well as some brand new toys!

Most notable, among of the toys, of course, is the Sam Flynn / Garrett Hedlund ACTION FIGURE!

Sexiness that fits in your pocket!

Now THAT’S something I’d buy!

As for the trailer itself, it’s pretty intense.

“Look at me!  I’m intense!’

The basic premise of the film is that Garrett’s character, Sam Flynn, enters into the computerized world of the first film to retrieve his father, Computer Genius, Kevin Flynn (Jeff Bridges), who he hasn’t seen in 20-years.  And, let me tell you, they’ve got some good botox in Computer World, because the first time we see “The Dude” in the trailer, he looks like THIS . . .

But then, later in the film, the Botox must wear off, because he starts looking like this . . .

So, without further adieu, the trailer for Tron Legacy . . .

Not enough Tron Legacy goodness for you?  You can catch the other two released trailers for the film here and here.  You can also learn more about the film, here.

Tron Legacy hits theaters December 17, 2010.  Will YOU see it?

[www.juliekushner.com]

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So You Wanna Be a Vampire? Read this before making your “life-changing” decision.

 

As a recapper of television shows involving vampires, and a voracious reader of “vampire literature,” people often write to me requesting information on how one should go about turning into a vampire.  I always welcome these questions.  After all, the decision to make the “human-to-vampire transition” is not one that should be taken lightly.  And I’ve seen far too many friends jump into this life choice, without having been truly informed as to all of its attendant consequences.

It’s like my Great, Great, Great, Great, Great Grandmother Vampire Sara once said: “Life is short, but immortality is forever.”

Don’t believe Vampire Sara? Just ask THIS GUY . . . He’s ANCIENT!

Since, regretably, I do not have the time to answer ALL of your questions (I am only human, after all), I’ve decided to devise this list of Frequently Asked Questions on the topic of vampirism.  Hopefully this list will serve to shed some light on this increasingly prevalent issue.

1) How do I go about becoming a vampire?

There are some shows schools of thought that would have you believe that in order to become a vampire, all you have to do is be bitten by one.

Still other movies like The Lost Boys schools of thought would suggest that you can become a vampire, merely by drinking a few sips of another vampire’s blood.

Well GEEZ!  If THAT was the case, EVERYBODY would do it, now wouldn’t they?   Unfortunately, making the transition is not so easy.  For starters, in most cases, it involves you DYING!

NOT FUN!

So, how do you die?  Well in most cases, a hot vampire can kill you, by draining all of the human blood from your body.

If you are lucky, he will break your neck first, so you won’t actually feel any pain when he does it.  And if you’re REALLY lucky, he’ll let you dance with him, half-naked, first . . .

The next step involves YOU drinking vampire blood.  This part can be tricky.  Especially, if you are already dead, and therefore, not  thirsty.  So, I say, drink lots of vampire blood NOW, while you are alive.  This way, by the time you want to turn, it won’t be an issue anymore.

Not sure where to get vampire blood?  Call me . . . I have some L.A. connections . . .

But don’t wait too long . . . because I have a feeling my “connection” is going to “dry up” real soon.

For those of you with cash to burn, rumor has it that, somewhere in a remote village in Alaska, there is a medical clinic that can perform the procedure in three days.  So you can become immortal, and be back at work in NO TIME!  The procedure is performed by a well-renown plastic surgeon  . . .

. . . and a highly experienced anesthesiologist . . .

All it takes is a simple lethal injection, and a quick-as-a-wink blood transfusion.  The best part?   NO unnecessary bodily decay or unsightly death scars!   In fact, many local celebrities have already been spotted frequenting the clinic  . . .

Feel free to contact the Alaska Division of Tourism for more information on this exciting opportunity.

2) All the vampires I know are young and/or hot.  I’m old as dirt and ugly as sin.  Can I still be a vampire?

First of all, sir.  I am SURE you are NOT nearly as old or ugly as you say you are. (pauses to look at the picture included as e-mail attachment – gags reflexively)

Hmmmmm . . . OK . . . well . . . Surely, there are SOME vampires that are neither young nor hot.  Let me think about this for a moment . . .

Nope.  You are right.  Unfortunately, there just doesn’t seem to be a real market out there for old ugly bloodsuckers.   Sorry about that.  Thanks for playing.  Better luck next life time . . .

3) What about that whole “can’t go out in the sunlight” thing?  I’m kind of a morning person.  So, I’m not sure I could handle that.

I can see how the whole “sunlight allergy” and “dead until dark” thing, could put a real crimp in your social and professional life.  Fortunately, today’s vampires have found many ways around this pesky inconvenience.  For example, you could, wear ugly sun-repellant jewelry like those boys in The Vampire Diaries . . .

. . . or pour glitter all over your naked body, like a drag queen at a gay nightclub  . . .

And if THAT doesn’t work, just suck it up and hang out with other vampires, who keep your same hours . . .

After you’ve become a super cool vampire, you aren’t going to want to associate with us lame ass humans, anyway.

4) I’m a pretty peaceful person.  I just don’t know if it’s in me to kill other people for their blood.  How would I survive?

Wait . . . you mean to tell me that you DON’T lick and bite people for fun?  Clearly, you are missing out.

You see, nowadays, most vampires don’t need to kill to survive.  There are lots of other options available to you.  For example, you can take a little nip of your lover during foreplay.  Very sexy!

You can also “borrow” blood from blood banks, like that dude from Moonlight . . .

. . . Or drink that synthetic stuff that looks like beer, but tastes like orange soda . . .

And, FINALLY, if you HATE little defenseless animals, and have no heart, you can go out into the woods and drink from Bambi’s mother . . .

Personally, I think this is the WORST / most immoral of ALL the above options.  However, folks in the literary world seem to equate Deer-Sucking with sainthood.  So far be it for me to judge, right?

5) Will I have any special powers when I’m a vampire?

You mean, ASIDE from being IMMORTAL, HOT and TOTALLY AWESOME?  . . .  Plenty.  As a vampire, you will have super-human strength and speed.

You will also f*ck like a rockstar . . .

Some say that you can even fly.  But, as far as I’m concerned, the coolest vampire skill of all that you will obtain is your ability to control people’s minds.

Aside from being hot, young, and Olympic-caliber f&ckers, THIS is probably the main reason why vampires ALWAYS get their mate.  Call it compulsion; call it “glamour;” call it “persuasion.”  Whatever you call it, it always works the same way.  Stare at your target with your beautiful eyes.  She falls into a deep trance.  You tell her exactly what you want her to do.  She does it.  Now, how awesome is THAT?

6) Do I REALLY need to be invited in EVERY time I want to enter a new human’s home?

The fact that you are even asking this question tells me that you are a completely rude turd, with no manners whatsoever .  . . no offense.  YES, you have to be invited in!  But the better question is, why is that a problem for you?  Is it your “thing” to just randomly go barging into people’s houses uninvited?  Talk about a BAD house guest.

Fish and YOU smell after three days . . .

Coincidentally, if you REALLY want to get into someone’s house, and the person isn’t inviting you in, just COMPEL him or her to WANT to invite you inside.  Problem solved.

7) I’ve been a vampire for many, MANY years now. All my friends are dead.  I’m bored.  What do I do now?

Ugh!  Type O, AGAIN?  I just drank that on Tuesday!

Simple.  Off yourself.  There are plenty of easy ways to do it.  For starters, you can, go on vacation someplace tropical . . .

Take a long walk into a short stake . . .

 . . . lose your head . . .

(I made this picture small, because it creeped me out too much, when it was larger.)

 . . . or just hang out with Buffy . . .

You’ll be chilling in Heaven in NO TIME!  Well . . . maybe not Heaven . . .

8 ) Any parting advice before I make “the change?”

Yes . . . invest in some good dental insurance.  You are going to have some f*&ked up teeth, for sure!

Well, that’s all I’ve got, folks.  See you on the “Other Side.”

 [What is Life Sucks Death Bites?]  [What is The Exquisite Corpse?] [ Who is Bellamy Jordan?]

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Filed under Buffy the Vampire Slayer, FAQs, The Vampire Diaries, True Blood, Twilight Book Series, Vampires

Anatomy of a Trailer – Touchstone Pictures’ “You Again”

OK.  So, a film about a former high school nerd, who is now “all-grown up” and successful, but soon finds herself reverting back to her old ways, when the school bully conveniently re-enters her life?  It’s not exactly the most original movie premise out there.  And yet, with a cast that includes none other than:

 my girl-crush Kristen Bell (of Veronica Mars fame),

Jamie Lee Curtis,

Sigourney Weaver,

Kristin Chenoweth,

Cloris Leachman,

and the always ADORABLE Betty White

 . . . I simply HAD to post this trailer.  So, here it is (special thanks to TrailerDelinquent, over at YouTube, for posting this):

Let’s analyze, shall we . . .

:12 – I’m not sure how I feel about Jaime Lee Curtis and Victor Garber as Kristen Bell’s parents.  Don’t get me wrong, they are both GREAT actors.  It’s just that they are so “dark complected” compared to Bell’s blonde, fair-skinned, look.  Maybe she is supposed have been adopted?

That being said .  . . I’m TOTALLY loving Garber’s “doo-rag” in this dinner scene!

:28 – I was wondering how they would make the super cute Kristen Bell into a convincing nerd, for “flashback scene” purposes.  I don’t have to wonder anymore . . .

Nice job, wardrobe and makeup department!  They even (gasp!) gave my girl highly realistic looking PIMPLES!

:36 – Now, I may be broadcasting my “inner nerd” when I say this, but I think mascots, in general, are pretty awesome . . . Well, maybe not that one.

Now, do you see what I mean about the pimples?

:47 – “Hugsies!”  – UGGHHH!  I already HATE Odette Yustman’s character, and it’s been less than a minute!

:54 – It definitely looks like they photoshopped together ACTUAL high school pictures of Jaime Lee Curtis and Sigourney Weaver to make this fake yearbook picture.  (Devil horns not included, of course.)

1:12 – OH NO!  They DID NOT just allude to a Jamie Lee Curtis “money shot!”

Sheesh!  The woman does ONE movie with Lindsay Lohan . . .

 . . .  and already she’s exposing herself in public.  This is yet another GREAT reason to ban “Lilo” from all future cinematic appearances!

1:16 and 1:48 – For a movie trailer, this has has a surprisingly  good soundtrack!  The first song you hear is “Good Girls Go Bad,” by Cobra Starship.  The second one is Little Jackie’s “The World Should Revolve Around Me.”  Remind me to add these two tracks to my ipod, OK?

2:08 – “Somebody call US Weekly.  Let’s find out who wore it best!”

Sorry Jamie Lee!  I’m going to have to go with Sigourney on this one . . .

2:24 – “I’m also on the Facebook . . . and the Twitter.”  –  I heart Betty White!  I’ll definitely be stalking her on both Facebook AND Twitter, once I finish this post.

 

You Again bullies into theaters on September 24, 2010.  Will YOU see it?

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Filed under Movie Trailer Recaplets, You Again

You’re So Vain, You Probably Think This E-Trade Baby is About You . . .

Lindsay Lohan: Milkaholic?

Just a few weeks ago, I paid a little tribute to those adorably sassy E-Trade Babies.  Little did I know then that those babies lives and livelihoods would be threatened by something so EVIL, so SINISTER, that the mere utterance of its name is enough to send shivers down the spines of millions of Americans . . . LINDSAY!

It all started during Super Bowl XLIV, when the E-Trade babies found the courage to show us a side of them that they had never shown before.  Those cute and innocent babies have . . .  GIRLFRIENDS!

All seemed well in E-Trade Baby Land.  The truth was out.  The time had finally come for the world to accept the E-Trade babies as the diaper-chasing heartthrobs they were.  Unforunately, LINDSAY could not accept the E-Trade babies’ happiness.  (Plus, she was really low on cash, and hadn’t been featured on TMZ in nearly a month!).  So, she did what any red-blooded (and haired) teen star (?) would do.  She slapped those smiling infants with a lawsuit for  . . . 100 Million Dollars!

LINDSAY claimed the E-Trade commercial was all about her.  After all, it did feature a baby named “LINDSAY,” and she WAS a milkaholic, and . . . well, you saw that Got Milk ad!  Those mustaches don’t make themselves . . .

Lindsay Lohan’s version of Temptation Island.

What is interesting about this case (and by “interesting” I mean both ironic and moronic), is that Lohan is not claiming that E-Trade defamed her in the commercial.  In other words, assuming the baby WAS actually supposed to represent Lohan (hahahahahahaha), the “actress” is not asserting that the commercial wrongly implied that she is a slutty bimbo with a drinking problem.  Quite the contrary.  In order for her legal claim to succeed, these things must all be TRUE about Lindsay!

You can’t handle the TRUTH!

The tort that Lohan is alleging that E-Trade violated, arises from California’s Right of Publicity Law (a  favorite among the Hollywood crowd, for obvious reasons).  The law was created on the premise that public figures (actresses, actors, politicians etc.) are lucrative money-making entities in and of themselves, sometimes more so, even, than the products they help to create.  Therefore, if another business profits from using a celebrity’s name or likeness, that celebrity should be entitled to a cut of the profits earned.  (Legal geeks, like me, can find the law, in its entirety, here).

Assuming the California court system doesn’t throw this case out, like the stinky poopy diaper that it is . . .

and this case actually makes it to court, in order for Lohan to win her 100 Million Dollars

she will have to prove that:

(1)  she is a “celebrity” (hahahaha), whose name and likeness is so HOT that merely mentioning it in the media can earn a company millions of dollars;

(2) the “easy,” not-too-bright, alcoholic milkaholic baby shared so many physical and personality characteristics with Lindsay Lohan, that the public automatically ASSUMED that the commercial was about her, and not any of the millions of other LINDSAYS on the planet. 

(Remember what I said about Lindsay having to prove she is a slutty alcoholic bimbo to win this case?  This was what I meant.);

and

(3) BECAUSE the viewing public immediately recognized LINDSAY LOHAN in the advertisement on Super Bowl Sunday, they quickly dropped their beers and hot wings, jumped on the internet, and instantly began spending 100 Million Dollars on E-Trade (since the name “Lindsay Lohan” is obviously synonymous with moral and fiscal responsibility).

I’m quite certain the E-Trade babies are pooping in their pants right now . . .

not because they are scared of the lawsuit, or anything.  They’ve just all really gotta go . . .

All of you law students out there might want to keep an eye on this one.  Dumb is at might seem, I’d be willing to bet you 100 Million Dollars (which I totally don’t have, by the way), that some variation of this case will make a cameo appearance on your Torts or Media Law exam this semester.

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Filed under E-Trade Babies, lawsuit, Lindsay Lohan