Who said television can’t be educational?
This week on New Girl, Jess brought her new Silver Fox boyfriend, Russell, into the fold, by letting him play with her Nick . . .
Also, Winston got a new job. And Schmidt . . . um . . . got laid some more . . .
But this isn’t a recap. It’s a “teaching post.” So . . . let’s get down to learning, shall we?
(And don’t worry. I promise there won’t be a quiz, afterwards . . .)
Lesson Number One: A corn holder
(So, THAT’s what those things are called that hold your corn! Clever!) can double as a Gentleman’s Shiv! Talk about getting a good bang for your buck!
Lesson Number Two: Is your sink or toilet bowl acting up? Just stick a bat in it. And hit that bat with a frying pan. Works like a charm!
Yeah . . . because THAT doesn’t look phallic at all . . .
Speaking of phallic . . .
Lesson Number Three: Putting your balls in someone’s milkshake is apparently a “Guy Thing” that I wouldn’t understand . . .
(possibly because I lack balls . . .
. . . and am occasionally lactose intolerant.)
Lesson Number 3 and 1/2: I guess I should probably take “typing” off of MY resume . . .
What about “blogging,” guys? Is that still cool?
Wait . . . don’t answer that . . .
Lesson Number Four: Nick has an Idea Book, which he really hopes no one will ever steal. *clears throat, winks suggestively*
Lesson Number Five: In other Nick Miller News – 1/8th Cherokee . . . who knew?
He’s my TV Boyfriend. I NEED to know these things, OK?
Lesson Number Six: Apparently, there’s this amazing new drinking game out there called True American. And now, I know how to play it. (Actually, New Girl didn’t really teach me how to play this game. But the lovely folks who took the time to write the rules down on Wikipedia did!)
Lesson Number Seven: This is REALLY the most surefire way to win True American. (But it’s probably more fun for the loser than for you . . .)
Of course, with any luck, you’ll be too drunk to care . . .
Lesson Number Eight: When Kareem Abdul Jabbar fears for your life, you should be afraid . . . VERY afraid.
And NO, he will not let you sit on his shoulders . . . (no matter how politely you ask).
Lesson Number Nine: This one is for all you guys out there.
I’m looking at YOU, Nick Miller. If you want to be Jess’ lover, you have to get with her friends. (And, yes, that IS a Spice Girls song.)
And finally . . . (drumroll please)
Lesson Number Ten: Who needs Vacation Days, when you can have Sexcation ones?
And there you have it . . . Ten and a Half things I learned from this week’s episode of New Girl.
Wow . . . shortest . . . post . . . ever.
Consider yourself SCHOOLED!
Until next time, my fellow New Girlians!