Chuck: “It was nice to FINALLY get scenes with you again this week, Blair. For a while there, I was worried that the writers were AFRAID to have us interact, out of fear of showing the world just how much our CURRENT so-called relationships PALE in comparison to what you and I have together.”
Blair: “Tell me about it! You have about as much romantic chemistry with that Raina chick, as I have with Raccoon Zombie, Little J!”
Chuck: “Good point . . . but what about Dan? Do you think YOU have romantic chemistry with him?”
I like to think of this week’s installment of Gossip Girl as the “Special Guest Episode.” Now, I’m not saying that the episode was particularly “special”
or even all that good, for that matter. I’m simply referring to the fact that, during this episode, our favorite Upper East Siders spent the majority of the hour interacting with and talking about special guests characters, most of whom we all KNOW won’t be around in about three or four episodes, anyway. In fact, TWO of these special guest characters “peaced out,” even before the final XOXO . . .
Screw Little J! If Gossip Girl ever does go off the air, I, personally think THIS guy has the most spinoff potential. In fact, I can picture the title of his new series now: “High Times with Drug-Dealing Damien.” (Zac Efron would co-star, as his younger, straight-edge brother,
Troy Bolton Ramien!)
So, what are we waiting for? Let’s go find out what the characters we do care about are saying about those we don’t.
Good Vibrations (or the lack thereof)
Is it just me, or does EVERY single Chuck / Raina sex scene on Gossip Girl look exactly the same (i.e. dull and colorless)? In fact, not only do Chuck/Raina sex scenes not titillate me, they actually have the adverse effect of making me incredibly depressed.
Why? You ask . . .
Well, you see, everytime I watch Chuck and Raina power through one of their Five-Minute Missionary Position Lunch Break Lays, I can’t help but think of what I could be watching instead . . .
When Chuck and Blair have sex it’s a Contact Sport, one in which the competitors get extra points for creativity. When Chuck and Raina do it, it’s an item on the To Do List, right underneath “Confirm Client Meeting” and “Make Sure the Maid Washes My Underwear.”
Anywhoo . . . the episode opens with Chuck and Raina doing it zzzzzzzzzzz. Don’t feel bad if they are boring you, because Chuck’s bored too. So, bored in fact, that when Raina’s cell phone vibrates, Chuck suggests she bring it into bed with her to up Arousal Factor. (Note: If this were Chuck and Blair in bed, they’d be going at it so aggressively, that not only would no one PICK UP the cell phone, it would probably get literally crushed beneath the sheer magnitude of the couple’s
grinding backsides love.)
Raina, however, ignores Chuck’s advice, opting to pick up her phone, rather than use it as a Sex Toy. In hindsight, that was probably a good decision, especially considering that the person calling Raina was HER FATHER . . .
The Awkward Moment when you are using your cell phone as a vibrator, and your DAD’S FACE appears on its screen . . .
Speaking of Chuck and Raina . . . zzzzzzzzzzzz . . .
(OK, I’m up! I’m up!)
What’s their ship name, anyway? Ruck? Chaina? Is it even worth the effort of making one up? Do any fans ACTUALLY ship these two as a couple? I didn’t think so . . .
Always at Daddy’s beck and call, Raina exits the premises, leaving Chuck to nurse THESE . . .
Meanwhile, elsewhere on the Upper East Side . . .
Epperley Needs a Date (Wait . . . who the f*&k is Epperley?)
At W Magazine, Blair is finding herself in a very unique situation, one she has NEVER experienced in all her time on Gossip Girl: She has to work . . . hard.
“Surely, this is the first sign of
Show Cancellation Shark Jumping the Apocalypse!”
As luck would have it, Blair’s new boss, Epperley, is completely stressed out about the
Plot Device Party Upcoming W Magazine event, and is working Poor Blair’s little french manicured fingers to the bone, as a result. This, of course, is completely unacceptable to Blair. No self-respecting woman should willingly busy herself with menial office tasks (That’s what DOROTA is for!). In fact, according to Blair, any woman who DOES work hard in a career setting, MUST be hard up for loving!
Sorry . . . I just couldn’t help myself . . .
Fear not, Upper East Siders. Blair Waldorf has A PLAN!
Blair and Chuck Put their Heads Together (Unfortunately, no other body parts touch, in the process.)
After work (or before . . . or during . . . Annoying and inconsequential things like TIME, never seem to matter all that much to the ridiculously rich.), Blair (with Epperley in tow) heads over to La Casa de Chuck and Nate to
screw Chuck’s brains out request a favor of her soulmate former beau.
Isn’t this picture SO much better, when taken completely out of the lame context of this episode?
The stated reason for the visit is that Blair wants to host the W Magazine function on Chuck’s property. Of course, we all KNOW that Chuck could have probably agreed to host Blair’s event over the phone, thereby saving her and her boss the commute. I SMELL A SCHEME!
Of course, we are not at all surprised, when Blair requests that Nate give Epperley a tour of the place, leaving Blair and Chuck alone to
screw like bunny rabbits talk.
As it turns out, both Blair and Chuck have favors to ask one another. Chuck goes first. He wants Blair to tell him how he can win Raina’s heart (blech!), so that she can convince her father not to sell Bass Industries out from under him. (Ummm yeah . . . because asking your EX girlfriend
, who you are CLEARLY still in love with, how to seduce your current one is not inappropriate AT ALL!)
Improprieties aside, Blair actually offers Chuck some pretty helpful advice. Contrary to what Chuck might think, hours and hours of sex (particularly the boring kind of sex he has with Raina) do not make a woman fall in love with a man. Rather, Chuck will probably have to find some commonality between him and Raina that he can exploit, in order to make her feel connected to him.
“You mean I actually have to TALK to her? I’m bored already . . .”
For Blair’s part, she wants Chuck to seduce Epperley, so that she doesn’t make Blair work so hard. (Ummmm yeah . . . because asking your EX Boyfriend
, who you are CLEARLY still in love with to have sex with your boss, so that he can sleep YOUR way to the top, is not inappropriate AT ALL!) Unfortunately for Blair, Chuck declines her request. Don’t get him wrong, it’s not that Chuck is AVERSE to having multiple sex partners at one time . . .
. . . it’s just that this whole “talking to Raina” thing is going to be using up all his excess mental energy, not to mention his patience. So, there is simply not enough Chuck left over for Epperley.
No bother! If Blair can’t have Chuck, she’ll take the Next Best Thing . . .
OMG! It’s Gossip Girl, Season 1, all over again!
So, Blair wants NATE to seduce Epperley now. But she wants him to be a more “generous” lover with Epperley than he was with HER. (Who knew Little Nate Archibald was such a glutton in the sack?) Slutty as he may be, however, Nate is going to need a bit of convincing, before he lets Blair pimp him out.
And so, when Chuck calls, while Blair is still with Nate, Blair pretends he’s Epperley, and starts talking to “her” about how “she” [Epperley] thinks Nate is a majorly Hot Piece of Ass, who she desperately wants to bone at the W party.
“Epperley” and I can agree on this point.
“You’re overselling. Wrap it up,” Chuck kindly advices his Lady Love, immediately understanding EXACTLY what she is trying to do.
Then, when Chuck notices Raina and her RIDICULOUS hat looming in the distance, he starts playing the SAME game — casually telling Blair what a DEEP connection he and Raina share together . . .
“Legend has it, if you look at my hat for too long, you can turn to stone . . .”
Chuck and Raina Play Hotel Hide and Seek
Knowing that Raina’s dad’s company will vote on the buyout of Bass Industries in just a few short hours, Chuck really turns on the charm. He takes Raina out to lunch at his hotel, and sweet talks every busboy or waiter that passes him by. When Raina notes that all this “Kindness for the Poor” stuff Chuck is doing seems like a Big Ole Crock of Sh&t, Chuck starts waxing poetic about his young days growing up
on the Disney Show the Suite Life of Zack and Cody and Chuck on hotel property. And, wouldn’t you know it? RAINA GREW UP in a hotel TOO!
You mean to tell me kids who’s Fathers Own HOTELS spend a lot of time in HOTELS? I’M SHOCKED!
The two Children of Hotel Barons even shared the same Childhood Hiding Place! This must be
Lame True Love, right? Recognizing that he has Raina in his clutches, Chuck allows the other shoe to drop, by inviting Raina to attend Blair’s W party event, thereby missing the vote to take over Bass Industries, which, conveniently enough, must be unanimous in order to pass. Raina accepts!
“I am SO GOOD!”
And yet, neither Chuck, nor Raina counted on Raina’s Kill Joy Dad crashing the party. Thorpe quickly informs Raina that the Little Bass-tard knew all about the timing of the vote, and was only using her to save his company. Raina asks Chuck if this is true. He admits that it is, but assures her that, in the process of manipulating Raina, he eventually grew to “really care about her” and blah, blah, blah *cough . . . bullsh*t . . . cough*
“Nothing can make me trust you again,” pouts Raina, before stalking off.
“I’m MAD AS HELL. And I’m not going to take it . . . for the next five minutes, at least!”
Apparently, when Raina said that “nothing” would make her trust Chuck again, she might have been exaggerating just a little bit. Because all it takes is an itty bitty phone call from Blair telling her how much Chuck REALLY cares about her, for Raina to wind herself right back into Chuck’s bed. (Wow! She must REALLY like Boring Missionary Sex!)
Blair to Shark: “Consider yourself JUMPED.”
Speaking of Meaningless Sex, Blair has finally managed to convince Epperley to attend the W event, so that she can screw Nate there, and, hopefully, start being nicer to Blair, as a result. On the night of the event, when Nate starts getting cold feet about essentially being Blair’s Man Whore, our Queen B gets a little handsy . . .
Later that night, W Magazine enters into a bit of a crisis situation (Apparently, it had something to do with gift bags, or something else equally unimportant). Unfortunately, for Blair, her boss, Epperley, is nowhere to be found. Nate is there, however . . .
Nate explains to Blair that he struck out in his manwhoring with Epperley, when some dude with a British accent hit on her, causing her to go off with him. Blair then commandeers Nate to help her fix the Gift Bag Crisis, by threatening him to reveal his favorite musical to everyone, if he doesn’t help. Apparently, Nate thinks that The Sound of Music is the Bees Knees, because it has “guns and Nazis, and Julie Andrews was hot.”
With the help of the apparently Nazi-loving Nate, Blair does manage to singlehandedly SAVE W Magazine from the horror that is having a party with NO gift bags. So, when Blair arrives at the office the next morning, she is surprised to learn that Epperley has been in the Editor’s office for OVER AN HOUR. (“What could they POSSIBLY be talking about?” She wonders.)
When Epperley emerges from the office, she gives Blair the news. Apparently, Epperley’s British One-Night Stand ended up being a LONG TIME ex-beau, who wanted to take her to Bali so the pair could do yoga together, or something. So, Epperley decided to QUIT her much coveted, insanely prestigious, job.
“You are leaving the magazine for ‘Eat, Pray, Love’?” Blair inquires, confused by Epperley’s
plot device change of heart.
As it turns out, not only did Epperley quit the magazine, but she has requested that Blair, an INTERN and COLLEGE SOPHOMORE / FULL TIME STUDENT, who she knew for MAYBE A WEEK, and who, during that time, GOT INTO A WRESTLING MATCH AT A HIGH PROFILE COMPANY EVENT, to be her replacement . . .
“Well . . . on a positive note . . . this will make me feel successful enough in my own right to start dating Chuck again!”
In other news . . .
Ugh! Ben . . . again! When is this guy going to GO AWAY, already? Isn’t it bad enough we had to cope with HIS EVIL PSYCHO SISTER for half a season?
Now, I know Drug Dealing Damien is a “Bad Guy” who “Tried to Date Rape Raccoon Zombie” and “Hurt Eric’s Feelings,” but still . . . was any one else, besides me, actually ROOTING FOR HIM, this week?
Did I mention he’s REALLY hot?
Anyway, as you might recall from last week, Rufus took Serena advice (at the SECRET behest of Lily), and offered Ben the opportunity to live out the remainder of his parole at DAN’S APARTMENT. He did this, mind you, without asking DAN whether it would be OK.
“W . . . T . . . F!”
To make matters worse, Ben is an AWFUL ROOMMATE. For starters, he PUTS THE SALAD BOWLS BACK ON THE WRONG SHELF! (The horror!) Ben also constantly eyef*&ks Dan’s ex girlfriend, EATS
her out SUSHI with her, and agrees to attend W Magazine events with her . . .
NOT COOL, BRO!
Fortunately for Dan, help is on the way, in the form of Drug Dealing Damien, and Friendless Eric. Honestly, I had to laugh when Damien started going into that ridiculously fake sob story, about how Ben threatened to tell his parents on him for DEALING DRUGS, and how Damien is SO VERY SCARED of Ben, and Eric ACTUALLY BELIEVED HIM!
(Seriously, Eric? Have years and years of being FRIENDS with Raccoon Zombie Little J, a step-sibling to Chuck Bass, and a son to your Lying Manipulative B*tch of a Mother taught you NOTHING?)
“So, I come off as gullible and mentally deficient in this episode. So, what? At least they gave me a PLOTLINE, for a change!”
Together, Damien and Eric come to Dan for help with Operation Make Ben Look Crazy so his Parole Officer will Cart him Back to Jail. At the W party, Damien tries to provoke Ben into a fight, but fails.
Not willing to give up, Damien then has ERIC punch him in the face. He then has Dan invite Ben’s parole officer to the party, so that the latter can see Damien’s smushed face, and think Ben did it. (That’s A LOT of trouble to go through for some guy you just “don’t like very much.” Isn’t it, Damien?)
When Serena arrives at the party, to find Ben being dragged away by his parole officer, she is not a Happy Camper . . .
“I am NOT a Happy Camper.”
Serena does not believe for ONE SECOND that Ben would willingly hurt Drug Dealing Damien at a public event. And yet, when she confronts Ben about it, he doesn’t deny it, or try to defend himself
because he is such a Boring Loser. Later, Eric tries hitting on his “new friend” Drug Dealing Damien again. However, this time, the latter admits to, more or less, just using him to get back at Ben, and wants nothing more to do with him. As a result of this rejection, a heartbroken, and incredibly guilty-feeling, Baby VDW comes clean to Rufus, about what he and Drug Dealing Damien did (with Dan’s help, of course). Then, Dan and Eric rat Drug Dealing Damien out to his Mommy and Daddy for being a drug dealer, and make him cry . . .
Ultimately, Ben is cleared of all charges. He is also eventually allowed to move back into Dan’s place . . . and Serena’s pants.
“Welcome Ben, prepare to boldly go where every male (and some inanimate objects) on this show have already been . . .”
And that was “Panic Roommate” in a nutshell, Upper East Siders! Until next time . . .XOXO!